When your old career gives you lemons throwing some ice, mix in some vodka.
Call it a podcast from the Mac of All Trade Studio in Fairport and
driven by Victor Chrysler Dots Jim Ram. It's Billified, the Bill Moran Podcast.
Well, hello and welcome. Thanks for getting your pawn on, Thanks
for telling a friend. That's how we spread the word about the pirate ship.
You can like us on YouTube, follow our YouTube page Billified. We're
streaming there now. You can find us on Facebook, Billified, Billified Underscore
Pawn on Instagram. It's all right there for you, right here, baby,
It's all right here. He and Dougie fresh Tonight in the House,
a dynamic duel from Gotham, City of Brothers and Sisters. Lock the doors,
Send the kids, the neighbors. We started drinking early. Brother.
Yeah, it's a good thing because usually days like today are a little bit
tough for me. And I say that because and I don't know this will
sound I hope it doesn't sound shitty to you when I say it, But
I don't know that you can really relate to it, because I don't know
that anybody can relate to anything unless they've experienced something like that, you know,
and I don't mean that. So I had to drop my thirteen year
old off at the airport, and sometimes I got to tell you, when
I spend time with him, I feel more like an uncle than I do
necessarily a dad, and just only because you have a finite amount of time
that he's here and then he goes back to his mom, which is out
of state. And it's something that I had to agree to, and so
you're less about the rules. You try to coach, coach them up a
little bit, but you're not necessarily being tough. So even like last night
at ten thirty, we went and got snacks at seven to eleven. I
would never go on a Monday night at ten thirty seven elve having to buy
cheefs pay. You don't want to be the bad guy. You want to
have fun, you want to I was trying to be cool and all that
stuff. It's just the stuff that I would normally never do. And uh,
you know, he's a wise young kid, like he catches everything.
He's very on top of stuff. But uh so I went. I took
him to the airport this morning and he was flying out of like eleven thirty
five, and I waited. I watched the plane get up in the air,
and I could feel like a little rumble in my stomach. I'm like,
I should probably use the bathroom, all right. I thought you were
going to say you felt a little you know, your heart dropped a little
bit when you saw us playing. No, you you got to use the
bathroom. My heart, my heart. I better get home really quick because
I don't want to I don't want to go into delta if this is disgusting,
I don't want to hear it this. Wait. So I'm thinking,
like, because the night before I was talking to him and I started to
get a little emotional, and I would normally not let you know. I
don't think any of the boys had ever really seen me cry. As I've
gotten older in a certain situation, since I certainly have been more emotional with
some people than I have ever been in my life. But that that is
nothing. So last time, I don't tell your friends. I couldn't get
it up. Please like, yeah, exactly, how did you know you've
been there? No? So he uh saw Then at one point we're talking
and he didn't know this for a while, and then he looks at me
goes, are you crying? And I go I get a little upset about
it. He goes, yeah, I know what you mean. And so
it was all right, but h but here's the thing. I'm leaving the
airport and I go ooh, I'm on the side of the city in Henrietta
area that has BJS with the really cheap gas. Yes, so I roll
up the BJS where it's ja scutty Boulevard. Yeah, it's three dollars and
seven cents. And I go, hey, and hang on a second.
The police chief, the police chief is walking in here. Esto, what's
going on? Chief? Yeah, we're live. Yeah, have a seat.
You don't have a warrant out for now. We're just talking about I
was just talking about dropping my kid off at the airport before because he was
going back to his mom for the holidays. So wait a second, So
what is happening here? Worry You're not you're out of uniform. You're in
casuoard meeting. Well who is this? This is the police chief, Matt
Barnes, Fairport Police Chief of Fairport. Fantastic. Yeah, so I was
just talking about driving over and then I saw it he was talking about.
But let me ask you this because you're a police I was. I was
talking about BJ's, but not that kind of BEJS. I mean, he
sends you. So while I'm in there's a line at this BJ's gas station
in Henrietta because it's three dollars and seven cents, and I decided that fucking
I'll wait in the line. And all of a sudden, I see a
car trying to wedge into one of the lines, and then the woman pops
out of the car. She picks up a giant traffic cone and drops it
in front of the car in front of her, and she starts screaming,
you're not getting in this light, you're not cutting in this line. Now
she seems to be cutting this guy, So now I'm intrigued. I'm watching
this. This guy gets out and he's got a very thick Indian accent,
and he starts saying that you don't want to act this way, you don't
want to be like this, and he picks up the cone and puts it.
She's screaming, you motherfucker. And I'm going do people lose their minds
more this time of year than any other time of year? Or is this
all the time that you guys are dealing with this kind of shit because this
could have escalated very easily. Like just last night, we played a video
of a road rage case, and I think it was in Texas, where
all of a sudden people, some guys said, yeah, I saw this
car speed up and one car throws a nice tea at it. The other
guy throws a big gulp. So I whipped out my camera and you see
a sedan take an suv up and over a cement barrier and then they're out
like swinging at each other. And I go, I don't know if this
which is different obviously now than it was even ten years ago, let alone
twenty years ago, But yeah, I think people are I had an old
time construction guy who used to help me I dug my pie for me years
ago, and he said, there's nothing funnier in life than people. And
I believe that. You know, people are just humorous, so of all
all ages and makes and models, but it just seems to give. I
don't know, maybe I'm seeing it more now. They meant right here,
right now, they can get it on their phone, they can microwave it.
I want it right now, and if I don't get it right now,
I'm blown agains. I'm in Walmart over Thanksgiving week, right, it's
like Black Friday or something, maybe Saturday. My son wants to play basketball.
We're gonna go over there and just pick up a basketball. It's gonna
be one of these throw away five dollars basketball so you can get so you
can shoot some hoops. And we're in there and all of a sudden,
we hear you're a fucking potato suck. This lady's losing her fucking mind over
the potatoes. She's screaming. They're chasing her out of the store, and
she's fucking losing her shit in Walmart. And I go, what is happening?
Older? Younger, uh, probably in her forties, And I go,
this is what you have to deal with on a daily basis and be
and keep that smile on that face. Or or she's leaving out this exit
screaming and yelling and all the attentions on her and her two friends are out.
The other exit could be with a bag of something they shouldn't have been
making. That's an old one too, all right. That could be.
I don't know. I just saw like all the employees followed her out there.
Was like, all these walla they need their around. Some people need
their fifteen minutes of fane. They need some release to just yelling at the
world. They have nobody yell at. My kid goes, let me,
I gotta go film her. I go, don't she's having a bad day,
leave her be don't don't do this. Then he's like, later on,
he goes, you got to see some of these people in Walmart.
There's a lady on a cart right those shopping carts that the one of the
one of the security guards is driving it. Her hands are handcuffed behind her,
and she's screaming, this is an American? The fuck is happening?
Seriously, what is happening? What is the general topic tonight? Is that
the topic of showing Well, you came in. I didn't mean there were
lots of things going on. I just figured since she sat down, I'd
ask you, are we still going to do a Yes? We are all
right, yep. First taping is going to be December fifteenth, When of
theirs is however long it takes you a night at it that we'll get it
all edited up. What are we doing? We appreciate you doing. He
wants to do a podcast about Fairport. I got to get you on a
on a camera. Yeah, let me see if I can get you over
here there. I don't need to be on camera. There are that's fine,
perfectly good. Outside of the camera. They hide the faces so they
everybody, No, they do not know. Everybody knows Matt Barnes. I
love them and they love the barn The Barnes brothers law enforcement. How did
two brothers end up in law enforcement? I was in the Service and I
came home the army, army and uh, my brother is a CAP.
And I did a ride along with them, okay, and when we see
an officer here, and I'd be wat and I did wasn't really sure what
I wanted to do. I knew I was getting out of the service and
going to school, and so I started going to school and then ended up
taking the RPD examined up getting hired by RPD, and then we both ended
up coming out here. He left last October, and I don't think I'm
far behind. But we'll see, Oh come, we'll see see how many,
We'll see how long I want to do this one? So I think
I'm in my twenty. How's my math? Twenty. I think I'm in
my twenty sixty year now. Yeah, it's a long time to be in
that kind of young man is well, it's just I would just think that
after a while, don't. Can't you retire after twenty years? Yeah?
You can't? Yah? Yeah, And I think there's there's a reason why
is it? It probably is the reason, not only just as somebody can
put up with that much shit for that long and see that. I mean
most of the stuff you're dealing with is people at their lowest moment in life.
So it's funny. Years ago I was working third between I bet this
is ten twelve years ago, there was a lady here locally and tonic summer
night. We went to recall and and she goes, you guys always go
somewhere where there's something that went wrong. I said, yeah, I said,
wild, Would people call n one? I said, no one's ever
called r ice? No one's right, dude, can you come by the
seventh let me get a bag of ice? Said thirty pack. Dude will
tip you. And she found that amazing, And I go, man,
I go, people don't call us to tell us they're having a good night.
I said. Second in great night tonight, thanks so much. So
like a year went by, that was in the summer, nice night,
A year went by that next summer. Just happened to be working that night
too, And we get a nine on one call shortly there after dinner,
and uh, over the air, the dispatcher said, you know such and
such from such such a dress called and just wanted to wish you a happy
night, and that she had food for you, a sweet as this,
and over the air, I said, okay, you know Roger that and
blah blah blah. So we just found to the same house and she goes,
you said you would never been to a nine of one call that someone
called your friending good. She bought us dinosaur barbecue. Wow, they're really
sweet, but she hearn her husband called nine on one, Oh my god,
to give us dinosaur barbecue. Myself my partner editor picnic table, and
we ate dinosaur barbecue was really nice. So I guess that's the only time
I've ever called the Yeah, you know, something went good, so very
very seat. Yeah. How many years has it been here in Fairport for
you? Twenty? Over twenty now over twenty in Fairport? Yeah, yeah,
So Doug was and I always find this a bit of a mystery.
No, no, no, the hornet went off. The horn that went
off, and I go, it's so funny because as soon as it went
off, I go, hey, lassie, a boy fell in the canal.
But that's that was what alerted people to an emergency. Yeah, they
haven't gotten rid of it, almost tradition at this point. It's loud,
it's loud. Yes, it's weird something. And actually there was an ex
board member here named Don Ferro. I don't know if you remember him,
and I have served down our village board for a long time. He was
a city fireman. He was a Rochester City fireman. He passed several years
ago, but he was the one that kept this siren alive. And the
sirens on top of the village hall is obviously you heard. But the huge
air tanks that power that siren right here in this garage right across from your
studio. Oh they are, yeah, And the air tanks are probably eight
or nine feet long by you know, four feet in diameter, and there's
two of them. So yeah, yeah, they sit in that garage.
And then how does it go off? Is it electronics? Somewhere? Someone
there's electronic, but it is an airhorn. There's still who decides that it's
going to go off, and the name of one center activates that alarm by
dispatching the fire services. Okay, that's it every time. Well that's what
I thought it was volunteer fire department. Oh that was the original reason,
right, Yeah, you knew that people would go and uh do that sort
of thing. Stop pumping your wife and there's a fire. I'll get there.
Don't worry about it, Bobs. I don't know if it should be
on this podcast. Yeah, you love you love this podcast right now.
Currently seventy MVA's motor vehicle accidents waiting to be responded to tonight because roads real
eleven zero yeah, yeah, yeah, And I don't think that included parts
of the west side of the county. So we think that it happens the
first snow every year it does. Why is that? Do I forget how
to drive? Is it that slicker than we thought? I'll tell you people
are still driving like idiots. There's no Curtis for Uber driver Uber seven hours
a day and just go slower, expected to be slippery with slippery coming on
four ninety yeah five ninety. But try to keep you know, good,
fifty to one hundred feet back. You know, break a little earlier,
put your turn signal on. There's people that aren't putting their lights on.
I said this earlier. They're not using their turn signals. Just gotta go
a little slower. And if you're walking a dog. And this happened in
Irondequoit. This is white woman. She dressed all in black or little dog.
I barely saw her put on a white T shirt. Put on some
you know, go to the dollar store, get some flashers. Just they
have some common sense for crying out loud. You no, I lived down
in a lot. Okay, you live in Charlotte, now, yeah,
because that's why I just wonder I had a right. No, you're here
in Fairport. Fairport's probably the best town in Rochester. Would you agree in
metropolitan Rochester? Well it's well nothing, there's really no discussion. Well,
since you since you cornered me and I have to drive home to night,
you already get my license plate number. Wait till you're retire to change my
answer. What do you have? You have? Nine one one out here?
For what a paper cut? She knows they have a band aid for
you know what else he did. It's very nice down, don't get me
right. I wish we could do some things in Chilatte. I think you
have the festival lights out here too. I think it's probably a festival.
Yeah, wee lit up, yes, where people aren't gonna be jackasses and
jump up and rip the ship down. I mean that builds up a community.
You feel safe for you. You know your neighbor. You talk to
your neighbor. I drive people home in the summer Thurston Hudson, Clifford Clinton,
and I'm like, oh, what are you doing this summer? Nothing?
What do you mean nothing? I'm staying in. I know my neighbors
are out on bikes, are a loud all My it's not nice. She
goes, No, it's just the way it is. There's no changing it.
Wow. Yeah, I feel awful. I was hoping this new mayor
would do something, but I've seen him planet a tree and open a library.
That's about it. I hadn't seen him on the news doing too much
more. You know, we're still getting cars just being theft. I don't
see him in the community. You know, what can I do to I
don't know you know, you need somebody who's out there walking, I think.
So there was a guy that I really liked, that I thought was
pretty good, and then he made a terrible mistake. But he knew the
city and he knew people, and he said to me, in twenty years,
the city's going to have a problem because the kids are being raised by
grandparents and they're gonna die. Yes, And he goes, you're gonna see
shit fall apart. And that was Adam McFadden and Ada McFadden did something that
a lot of people but I'll tell you what, man, he and he
wasn't. I'll never forget when there was this whole thing and Lovely Warn was
running for mayor, yeah, and she was coming in. There was a
something that had happened in the news where officer had all you saw was kind
of smacked a woman upside the back of her head, had her up against
going and smacked her upside the back of the head. And that was getting
all this stuff, and I go, man, I feel like there's more
to this. And Adam heard me, and he goes, I have other
video from another angle, and you see the woman reach back. You don't
know if she's reaching for the guy's gun or he's reaching for his balls.
But he just kind of just quick, right. But that became the news
that it was a white officer and black woman, and that was the thing.
But it was Adam McFadden who came and goes, hold on here,
let's look at this for what. And I always thought he knew man.
He knew the good guys, the bad guys, the drug he knew everything
in that city. He used to walk the streets. I mean, I
remember when that woman went out to defend her kid on Dewey and went up
dead. That just got beat up by bunch. And he went and talked
to all the people in the neighborhood and some people were afraid to say anything
of you know, of course, yeah that's the thing. But he was
the kind of guy because I used to say, man, you you should
be mayor somebody who's going to kind of get in the trenches. And I
know nothing about the job. I'll be willing to do that. We don't
see that real quick. Speaking of trenches, he did the Baja Races down
in Mexico with's a border of the Baja and you got it. Him and
Sheriff Baxter. Yeah, yeah, actually just came back from Baija last week.
You did. Yeah. So two weeks ago, I got a call
from a team out there that I know, and it was nothing Tuesday night,
like at midnight, and he actually called me. Ignored the call.
Then he texted me called me asap, so I figured something was wrong with
one of his loved ones. So I called him. I sself, what's
up and he was, Hey, one of our guys just broke his ribs
today and he can't get in the truck. He gues, do you want
to fly out here and do the one thousand? And I'm like, isn't
that like next week? And he goes yeah, And I said when do
I have to be there by? And he said Thursday morning and he goes
to trust leaving that's like Thanksgiving morning, that's twenty four hours from now.
I got a job, and he goes, if you can make it,
he goes, you can be in trophy truck eighty six and I'm like me
calling you in the morning. So got the time off, bought a flight,
flew out there, and then I was heading to Baha within twenty four
hours. This is over the desert and the bumps and everything. Yeah,
so you did this? Just just got back. Yes, I had a
chance to go with the team from two San Arizona and San Diego, California,
and it was in a trophy truck and they had we had everything,
I mean everything you can think of. We had a helicopter, we had
four pre runners, we had four chase trucks, we had everything. We
had starlink capabilities, everything. So pretty pretty wild. How'd you do?
So? Myself and my partner did race Moult two hundred to Racemouth six hundred.
Yeah. And basically so it's like a almost like a uh team takes
over. Yeah. So this year's bajam On thousand was the longest Baha one
thousand ever. It was thirteen hundred and ten miles or whatever. And they
started in a town called La Paz and they went north to a town called
Senata and Sanada. I hear that's a lot like Fairport just south of Tijuana.
The world's most dangerous Tijuana is more like Charlotte. I mean, homicides
are in Tijuana one year's time. No, I think like a couple years
ago, there's twenty seven hundred. Whoa in a year. I think it's
the world's most dangerous. What are we complaining about around here? What's gone?
I know, I'm that vacation in Tijuana. Yeah, no, that's
just south of the border itself. Wow. Yeah. So we went down
in New Mexico and uh had a good time. Just long days, you
know what I mean. Yeah, you going six hundred miles we did.
We went four hundred on my section, okay. Four truck owner took it
from you know, the start up through a place called the Steps out of
the Pass and gave it to us in a town called Insurentes, Okay.
And then we took it from Insurentes to a town called Viscayano just south of
There's two states in Northe and Baja Sewer. Yeah, so basically about North
and Baja South. We we drove in the Baja South portion he like the
Mason Dixon line. Okay, So we drove down south. But good time,
rough, just good opportunity. But yeah, so Backster and I were
together to day. We were talking about, you know, maybe next year,
so we'll see what we gotta get sponsors. That's the big thing.
You know. That race is not cheap and it's a it's a year in
the making, so you have to start some time in January to be prepared
by November. And there's so much more to it than just money. But
yeah, it takes money too. So yeah, see if we can get
some sponsors. But the fact that you stood out to somebody that they will
call you stupid enough to say because of great he's a great drive or anything
he brings the air bags. Yeah, sure, note that's funny. Yeah,
good, good time. So that's what we just got done doing,
very good. What else are we discussing? Are we out out of time?
We're going to take a short break and then we'll come back. You
want to hang I'm probably gonna go home and eat dinner, all right.
Well, yeah, it's a good scene you get No, you are the
party. You are. You're the chief of police of Fairport Man. Come
on, that's awesome, fantastic to meet you and thank you for your service.
When are you moving out here? You got a place in your basement?
Are you off the air? No? No, no there, yeah,
but you got in handcuffs a way I should say. I'm joking.
Doug fell in love over Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving and we'll get to that next.
But first Comedy at the Carlson welcomes the extremely funny Rich Ironovitch this weekend.
Will be there Thursday night at seven thirty and then two shows Friday and Saturday
night seven and nine, both nights. Rich he saw my mom topless.
He may not remember that. And I saw him years before that. I'm
walking through Soho on a Tuesday night and people were going, hey, free
comedy show, free comedy show. I go in and there was a writer
from the Chris Rock Show when he had that HBO show. And then Rich
Ironovitch got up and it was about fifteen people and he killed and I go,
that guy's got it. Go see him this weekend Thursday, two shows,
Friday, two shows Saturday. Lock those tickets down for the extremely funny
Rich Ironovitch at Carlsoncomedy dot com. Caylestone on mein dot com. Full sending
Skiing Outdoors Chief Executive Officer, Zach Hallett. You know, your skis,
your snowboards, everything needs to be serviced every year. It's very important to
get that stuff done before the season because when the snowfalls, everybody wants to
get out there. You don't want to be put on a delay. Full
send Skan Outdoor Kenned Dake. When the snowfalls, we want you out there
and enjoin the sport, so we make sure that we have a three to
five day turn around. Full Send skin Outdoor Kenned Dick was we don't want
to make people wait. Jimmy Z's Plates and Shakes celebrating twenty years main Street
Brockport Plates and Shakes dot Com BTV would fire peach and grill in the mall
at Grease Ridge. You know there's only a couple of days left to take
advantage of the great November specials. Last night I had the pb J Burger
and I loved it to half pound burger, jollapeno grape jam, peanut butter
cream cheese which I didn't even know existed, lettuce, tomato, onion,
and served with fries. I actually had mine with the chips. You can
have either but delicious. And here's the thing. Maybe you go, wow,
I'm really not into hot stuff. It's perfect that jolapeno grape jam.
It's that sweet and spicy, but not overly spicy. It is maybe the
best burger I've ever had, and I love I've put panu butter on burs
before and grab that Rattlesnake rab while you can. It's Nashville Chicken, Jlopanios
tomatoes, bacon, provolone, spinach, a oli and that served with fries.
And don't forget the draft of the month Roebox Vanilla Porter. It's our
friends over at Rollbox Brewing Company, Rochester's original craft brewery. Or you can
try in Angry Balls Bottle of Angry Orchard with a side car of fireball.
And of course it's a great place to see the game with over fifty TVs.
No matter the game, it's on at bTB wood Fire Pizza and Grill
in the mall like Greese Ridge. The music tumbled out of the kids,
but with myself a cup of ambition. Oh man, in fact that she
can fucking sick this. Oh my absolutely. Let me tell you the rest
of So. I saw that fight at the gas station. Then I get
home. Now my colon's going bad. Okay, I release a little thinking
I'm good. I get home, unload, I look down and I have
a dollar in my underwear in the shape of a Hershey kiss. And you
know what I thought of. There's no fucking way that Dolly Park Thois thanks
to the ad de Gray for that halftime show Thanksgiving. She look good.
She did a hell of a job. She looked like she was on a
fucking boat. She was like all wobbly holding on for she looked like she
was seven years old. Show high seasick up there. I dropped my pants
and rubbed off right there in her her. Granted, I'm not allowed back
to my sisters for Christmas dinner. But man's got to do what a man's
gotta do. I go, man, they need to have spank sponsored.
Oh. I was down at the my buddy's bar, you'd open up for
some friends, and she came out and I'm looking at this smile, and
my Buddy's like, Doggie, what's you in a New York minute, That's
the dumbest question I gotta say, because Dolly Parton has been asked to do
the halftime show for the Super Bowl a couple yeah, a couple of times,
and she's turned it down all the time. And she said she turned
it down because she either had something going on or she didn't think she was
big enough star to do it. And she said it's such a big production.
Well, I think that was a huge production that was the biggest production
ever at at and T Stadium for a halftime show. Yes, yeah,
I think the biggest. Yes, well, yeah, let's put it that
way, because I don't know what other concerts have been there. That's true,
right, So yeah, but definitely I don't even know. I know
she's say I know that because finally my friends told me to shut the hell
up after I kept singing it during the forty nine game. We get it
first down, I'm like, Joline, Jolie, Jolie the Doug, shut
the fuck up and just damn it beer. She's saying nine to five,
and then I don't remember the other couple of tunes that I don't know what's
for. We were at dinner, so this happened a couple of years ago.
I'll get my father in on this. So we're playing cards, my
father, stepmother, Kathy's wife, and it's the three of us, and
she goes Alexa play Christmas music and comes on Dolly Parton. Maybe I'll dye
my hair, maybe I'll go somewhere me I'll be just fine and dandy.
And I'm listening to this and I and I'm looking at my cards. I
slowly raised my head and I look at him. I go, you do
know this song was in the movie with Bert Reynolds, The Best Little Whorehouse
in Texas. So now when I go for Christmas, I'm like, hey,
horror music for Christmas. It's gonna be a whole Christmas. Oh my
gosh. Yeah, I forgot about that. I added to this woman though
I mean quietly, always positive, stayed apolitical when many can't. Dollywood,
I've heard nothing but great things about Dollywood. Nothing but great things. Yes,
seriously, very down to earth with a country girl. Yeah, you
know, great career legend, I would say, in the country, I
will tell you want to doubt a legend. One of my favorite songs.
Since we're talking about Dolly Parton night, Oh, I wrote a song I
remember. I told you. Yeah, Stephanie your old host part host.
She says, so, hang on, hang on, she's not old.
She still comes around. Okay, I just I don't know. So when
she would break up with a guy, she would write songs. She would
write a song. No, not break up, she would be with the
guy with the guy, and she would write a song for the guy,
which I thought was fucking weird. Well, I wrote a song for Dolly.
They usually ended up with a breakup. Okay, well you'll get arrested
if you released this. No, it's only a couple of lyrics already.
Yeah, I would love to hear. Do you need accompaniment with? No?
No, No, it's just it's just a like a white man rap,
Yeah, something like that. She was a country girl with country style.
She had country eyes in a big country smile. Oh yeah, she
was a beauty. Now I hate Dell, I hate the Cowboys, and
I hate Dallas. But after that halftime show was started taking sea Alie.
Oh yeah, brown chicken, brown cow. That's what you do. You
know what you get when you cross a brown chicken and brown cow? What
do you get? Brown chicken, brown cow. I don't think I'm gonna
wear any win any Grammys. I might get it. I might get a
granny for my grammy. You might so, since I knew this was a
deal for you. Her birthday is in January, Coach met how do you
know this? Why do you know this? Don't tell me that you spend
so much time. Somebody wikipedia it. When we were they did, nobody
named Doug. No, they said, how old you think I go seventy
seven. Yeah, and like Dougie right, I'm like, of course,
I'm right. How can you tell you count the rings arounder? Areola?
Both of them? They by pie three point four? You know? I
had then that night there's a website called sixty and me dot com, and
I had the list of what they call beautiful celebrity women over sixty. Let's
let's see if you agree with some of these. Okay. Jane Fonda,
Oh yeah, legend. Now I folloween legend she is, She's a legend.
I don't know if I ever found Jane. Did you ever see trading
places? Yeah? Oh yeah, yeah, eighty But now now she's eighty
five years old. Now she looks great. She looks great. But when
I saw eighty five, I went, whoa Jane Seymour, Oh smoking hot,
James John girl, doctor Quinn. She was just in wedding crashes,
like twenty years ago. Now I think she's kept in good shape. Or
she's seventy two aged wonderfully. I look at Jane Fonda and I saw when
I was looking this up, I went to you could go to her Instagram
page and I looked at her, and I go, she's just radiant.
She just she smiles. She's one of these people that is probably as nice
as she looks. She is equally as nice as a radian is a great
word for older women, is trouble. Alluring is alluring? Yes, you're
very alluring. Somebody could be hot, yeah early, and then they fizzle
out, but you can stay alluring. Well, here's the long here's the
problem. And society is a problem. Yeah. Oh, society is bad
because there's a lot of power and good looks. Right, talk to any
hot chicken high school. She didn't really have to work for much right in
life, she didn't like even even the gym teacher. They're just passing you.
They saw you in your shorts and that was it. You didn't have
to do a fucking thing. Then it goes away, and what happens is
you sort of get disregarded, You sort of get pushed to the side.
And if you talk to women over a certain age, I don't know what
the line of demarcation is, but let's say it's between fifteen and fifty five,
they'll say they're invisible in society. Oh, if you want to see
some really hard times, which I go talk to some old strippers I used
to work for. Yeah, and once they start going, that's a sad
thing because I was in the business for sixteen years. Yeah, seeing when
they start out and they're crying in the back room, they're not making any
money. And then give them a few months now they're the young girl.
Then they get the feet wet. They go a couple of years. Now
they're raking in all the money. And a few years after that then they
have another young girl coming in. Nobody's looking at them. Then they go
for the plax surgery, they get the fake boobs, they're getting collegen and
they're Muhammad Ali roping open on the uh in the back room. It's a
bad thing because and it is this thing where like we want to look younger,
be younger, feel younger. And I don't know if this is true
or not. I don't know if I'm of a certain age and live in
a certain world. My perspective fifty two fifty two. My perspective is that
I see women who I've always seen in movies and stuff still making movies.
Selma Hayak is still in leading roles and she's fifty seven years old. I
don't think that was happening thirty years ago, forty years ago. Yeah,
going back in the eighties, I don't remember women in their late fifties having
leading roles. Sigourney Weaver's now, well she's aliens, yeah, but she
was like in her thirties. I don't think so. I mean that's another
thirty years ago. Yeah, so know how she used today? Meryl Streep
they have on there, She's all right, she's okay. Yeah. Oprah
who actually, at times i've seen Oprah. That woman can look amazing,
depends on her weight loss, and I haven't seen her in a long time.
Sixty nine a mon Aman, Yeah, the model she was with David
Bowie. She's sixty eight. She looks incredible, okay. Elizabeth Hurley,
she still looks great. Sixty eight, sixty eight, Yes, Diane Lane
one of my all powers. Gosh, yeah, I love Diane Lane.
She's been in the business a long time. You ever see her in Unfaithful?
Yeah? I mean I only watched that five minutes, like twenty three
times, but I thought that was some hell of an acting. She's fifty
eight years old. She was married to uh, gosh, I can't think
of his name. He was the voice of Thanos. But yeah, she
is a good looking woman. Is she depending on makeup? And I just
heard this on the radio today that Jennifer Lawrence has been asked a bunch lately
about having plastic surgery? Really and she says she denies this, says,
no, I have a new makeup artist that could be and he's just changed
the way that he does things. And they say a lot of it to
makeup because Diane Lane and unfaithful looked ononderful hot girl next door or whatever.
Yeah, and then she was the mother of Clark Kent. Yeah, Justice
League. But they added, you know, makeup, makeup. Makeup can
make you look old if they do it right. Yeah, yeah I could.
I mean, I don't need makeup to make me look good. I
need somebody to drink fifteen shots or that's how I get to look better.
Do you want another sharp and ey honey? Yeah? What's your pickup?
If you see a woman in the bar? What's my pickup? When I
don't go to bars and pick up with him anymore, I go to the
dollar store. I figure, if we're on the same budget, you know,
something's got to happen. Is that what your walking stick down? Or
you're happy to say me. I go up and down the roads and you
know, I look for somebody with a cart and I'm like, hey,
baby, you can need that pack of boloneya by yourself. You know what
I always wonder too is remember the movie American Pie. Yes, I always
wonder if after that did more moms get hit on, because in that movie,
it's stiff and it's with Yeah. I think there was a well you
can say the graduate as well, but which is going back into graduate was
way too far. I think there was some older women that I don't remember
moms being the focus though, like that became. I mean there was a
few years Diffler's Mom. Yeah, within fifteen to twenty years, there was
something that changed where moms were sexually. The second sexiness was lasting longer,
and to be honest, and it's almost like they're cutting shit. Well,
there was a thing called the mom cut, the mom jeans the mom when
did you still the term milf came out. I think that came out with
American Pie. I don't know why. I thought that was where I first
heard it, maybe somewhere around there, but that was also thirty years ago.
That was I bet that was two thousand and two. They came out.
It's not that thirty twenty one, twenty one, yeah, all right,
it's twenty twenty three, and math is okay, it's going on otay,
all right. I don't want to be that fucking at all. I'm
waiting for the next hot milk. I mean, uh actra I didn't have
any other ones. I just that was Katherin Hepperd on that list. So
Phila Ren's still kicking it. That's too old now. See that's the thing.
Is it a certain point? I think the older you get, the
less you're like, okay, let's let's just connect. Maybe I think that
there's so many dating sites out there, you're just waiting for the bigger,
better thing instead of in that settling but making things kind of work out,
and like, okay, she or he is seven out of ten things I
want, and you know, I gotta fucking I'll wait for somebody to be
ten out of ten and it's not gonna happen. My parents are in their
later seventies. My mom has a friend she went to college with who got
remarried. Husband died and she got remarried. My father. I want to
do that, but some people just like that companionship and like having a married
life and life saying this is my husband, and you know they would want
me to be happy the previous one, and you know whatever. But I
saw this today on the internet and I grabbed it just because it was one
of these things I go, I don't know if I'll ever use this or
not. It's a ninety three year old guy, and it's a young guy,
well maybe younger. No, no, no, there's like a twenty
one year old kid interviewing this guy on a park bench and the kid is
almost speechless at one point. But this is what he says, What's been
the most memorable time period of your life? Okay, so what must been
the most memorable time period of your life? So this guy has lived and
you'll find out. And here he says, his age ninety three, it's
a long time, a lot of memories to go through, a lot of
great things, probably a lot of disappointing things. It's life. There's upstairs
downs. What do you think his answer is. I can tell by the
one second he's going to say, being married. That would be my guess.
Married to my wife for fifty one year. I'll never forget her.
We were a perfect couple and enjoyed it, stay together. And when I
lost her, I lost my life. So I'm just existing now. I
lost her. I lost my life. I don't know if the guy's got
Alzheimer's and he's not remembering things clearly, but I would say that we're all
joking aside, all shitty jokes aside. Probably one of the most important decisions.
And I should be careful even saying, this is the person you choose
to be your partner, because it can extend your life or it can shorten
your life. Yeah, I really think, right, I go and join
her. And I'm ninety three years old, so I don't have much time
left. I'm sure this kid just say he doesn't know what to say.
The kid's sitting next to him, just sitting there. Oh. Do you
know what, If you're lucky, you'll find a woman like I did.
I'll never argue, never fight, never do anything against sue, and she'll
love you and you'll love her in the rest of your life too. That's
all you can ask for is a good partner. Yeah, never argue,
never fight. There's been I mean I have. I grew up in a
very loud, Irish Catholic family. We're screaming and yelling when I it's part
of the part of the love. And I found out later on when I
went to college, especially that there are kids who I went to school with.
There are people I don't today never heard their parents argue never I go
what I go, how's that? How's that? Even? Fuck about?
How's that? I tape recorded my parents arguing, was playing it back and
laughing my ass off. My father came in the room, took the tape
out and stomped on it. No evidence. No, I think you are
very lucky. And it doesn't happen with everybody. No, you know that.
I mean, that's it's amazing. It was like a sweet thing,
right, you know, and then it's very sweet those I played with that
for you because I just want you know, there's still hope. There is
still hope. If I meet a girl tomorrow, maybe your name's Hope,
but maybe it is. I'd be fifty three and a half, maybe marrier
fifty five, fifty six, twenty years together, seventy six. Hopefully she's
rich ninety three. Wow. And it was sad. You see this guy
and he looked like he was in great shape, you know, obviously moving
around. He's in a park, he's fully dressed, groomed well, obviously
taking care of himself. I don't know anything if he's an insisted living or
on his own. Where was that off of Uh? It was just off
of Instagram, and it was on something called Don't Laugh at Me success Addicts.
I follow something called success Addicts, and every once in a while they
put up these sort of wisdom things. I need wisdom in my life.
I don't have many people around, so I have to do that. And
I'm kidding. I just I found it interesting. I find a lot of
that. I don't have post him. I have a show. That's it
all right? Who else is on the list though, Diane? That was
it? That was the only ones I pulled off that list? They had
Anne Curry? Do you remember her from the Today Show and courage? Her?
Fifty attractive? I had forgotten better, and I actually didn't only didn't
mention her because I don't think many people may remember her. She was on
the Today Show for many years. She did. I just know from working
with so many women though, and I get joked about, I don't know
what my thing is with older women or why they connect with me. But
I see somebody and I have worked with some the hottest women that you would
like, oh my gosh, you worked with her, you know, drop
dead stripper, gorgeous. Yeah, and then you're around them and you're just
like, you couldn't stand being next to them with how they were demeaning and
there how they held themselves and the way they talked or swore. And then
you see, you know, you meet somebody out and there they're they're bubbly,
they're they're joyful, they have such a positive attitude, and you're like,
oh my gosh, this is awesome, and it just brings out her
beauty and makes the other person look so well, well, it's so funny
you say that, because I was thinking, like, how many times have
we met somebody that you thought or you looked at someone well it was not
not necessarily a stripper. But let's say you're with a bunch of friends,
you see somebody or whatever, no, no, but and you see this
person, Wow, how attractive, And then you spend five minutes you go,
what a awful person? Say whatever, bitch, gosh damn. Yeah,
And then have you ever met though somebody who defies that. You see
them and you think they're beautiful, like there's pretty, and then there's beautiful.
To me, there's something. It's one level up. And then you
meet them and you get to know them and they're kind and they're fun and
they're funny, and you go, holy ship, like that is the past.
The package. That's the package. That's the package. If I can
make her laugh, I can make her snort, you know ye laughing so
hard. Yes, that's her laughing so hard that she snorts and farts.
No, not far, Why just a little bit by action. It's just
a wind, Doug. It's like a it's a wind, not win,
a wind. If you can make her sound like a party favorite, both
ends, you are as all I'm saying, Doug. So I'm trying to
tell you no, I'm not telling you that joke anymore. All Right.
I found research. It's called Change Research. It's the name of the organization
that did this, and it's red flags on dating ser red flags for people
dating. So I'll ask you, are the some red flags for you dating?
Okay? All right, we'll take a break, we'll come back,
we'll find out and you know what, I'll even open up the phone lines
five eight five two o six eighty eight sixty six. Say that again,
nice and slow five eight five two zero six eighty eight sixty six. There
you go. We'll open that up and Doug is here if you want to
chat with him, ladies, and we'll see if these are any of the
especially if you had a rotary phone you're in. We should call miss Kleo
and find out if he's gonna get anybody to go in. F O you
there, fo, I need, I need Rochester five the hey dollly We'll
take a moment. We'll get to that next. But first, Iron Smoke
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two comp. Connerson Ferris, your workers cop attorneys. Back through the years,
I go undering once again, back to the seasons of my you a
box of rags. If someone gave us, she would be phenomenal in the
backyard with a bidfire playing the guitar. Thirty peg lay next to me.
There were rags of many colors, that every piece was small, and I
didn't have a coat, and it was the way down in the fall.
Mama sould She made my coat of many colors that I was so proud of
as she sold, she told the story from the Bible she had read about
a coat of many colors Joseph Wren. Then she said, perhaps this could
of bringing did look and happiness, and I just couldn't a way to wear
it, and Mama Bla stayed away. It's amazing to me when you look
back at times like an I think of, like, my great this is
sappy, but my uh, what would be my great grandparents during the depression
and stuff, they opened their home to somebody who they had eight kids,
and this so the southern family. They just couldn't afford to feed their kid.
And so my grand my great grandfather took that kid in. Now they
had nine kids in the house. I think it was about maybe a year
or two later he came to get the kid, and my great grandfather was
really felt like a piece of the family was missing. And this is my
grandfather telling me the story. And it's amazing. And I always love this
song because I go your destitute, poor, to the point where people are
dropping rags off at your house, but your mom takes those and makes a
coat and says to you, maybe this coat will bring you good, Like
makes it a magical thing. And you can hear it in the song.
It's a happy thing. Most people will be like, fucking man, I
got this miserable coat. Everybody else's got this, and they got that,
they got their Gucci and they got their leave right and no. And when
you grow old enough, you you realize it is nothing to mean shit,
right, it doesn't mean shit, and it is You're fun. It's funny
you say that, because I don't think I actually paid attention to that song
till I was in my mid forties. Forties. Yeah, so she was
in Steel Magnolias. I know that's a that's very popular with the ladies.
Yeah, that movie. They're helping you out, you drop these references.
I did not watch Steel. I know Steel Magnolias. It's a I break
movie. I broke out my beta man, just a hundred. Dolly through
it. Nine to five, killed the rewine Bud nine to five, like
I always want to. Yeah, Dolly Parton and Lily that's right. Could
I forget? You know? I was thinking I knew we were going to
bring up Dolly Party today. By the seven degrees of Kevin Bacon, seven
people you can connect. I don't know how you or I could connect to
Dolly Parton. I can't. I can't. I don't think I can.
Uh, if anybody out there could connect me to Dolly, I let her
know that I'm writing a song for her, I think I can. You
think so? Yes, Well I can definitely connect to Kevin Bacon very quickly,
because, Uh, there was a woman who was a comedian. Her
name is Beth Donahue. I remember Beth and Beth and I were pretty good
friends when especially when she came here and they thought, uh, they had
her on doing nights on on the station I was on, and Beth I
used to call Beth's show at night and she would always say things to me
like what are you doing? Somebody asked me a question, what are you
doing? Podcast? So I used to call Beth show all the time and
she go, hey, ay cat, what are you doing? Because I
was always drunk? And Andy caaps O his life was Florence, and they
thought I loved Beth. I mean, I'd been one of the truly authentically
funny people I'd ever met. She was a stand up comic, right,
yeah, she traveled a lot. She yeah, she's out, She's completely
out. Now she's bagging groceries in Nashville. She lives in Nashville's completely out.
She was part of the male like they had the blue Collar Comedy Tour.
She was the country Chicks to comedy. They put her on there.
She had a chance. She was had a CBS contract for the original Steve
Harvey Show on CBS. UH and then a producer came along and said she
was too fat for the role, and so she got out. And then
she wrote a book. Remember Susan Powder. Susan Powder was the like the
shade. She had a Yes, she was all self wad Beth wrote it
like the counter book to that. I mean, she's just so funny and
really bright. But I had some problems with pills and different things and weight
fluctuation and all that. But she got out of comedy completely and she was
brilliantly funny, like fucking goddamn. She was like a room level funny.
I remember Tommy Mellay talking about this show. It was a survivor series for
comedians and you only have five minutes at the stage. She didn't make it,
and he's like, this show is bullshit because she headlines. She headlines.
Actually, yeah, she didn't try last either. No, she did.
She did try out for that. I remember that. So I had
actually tried out to do a show with Beth in Nashville, to do a
radio show. Really yeah, but Beth was down there. Beth had been
on a rock station in Nashville after here, and Kevin Bacon and his wife,
Uh, what's her name? I know who it is, I can,
I can picture. So they contacted death and she was doing a show.
She was going to be a talk show host. Kevin Bacon's wife a
radio talk show host, and they based the character on Beth. And I
think it lasted, like most everything in Beth's career, about four episodes.
But that would be my connection to Kevin Bacon. Okay, about one degree
of separation because she had met here centric yeah herea very good yeah, that
one out of the all right. According to a recent survey by Change Research
Doug Change Change, I'm sorry, the biggest dating red flags is when someone
identifies as a communist. I have never seen that on any I can't imagine.
I went what a whopping? Sixty four percent said this political leaning would
be a turnoff. I I haven't seen that. I'm well, I'm not
on any dating I'm on the Facebook dating site. Yeah, not going so
for winners to get on a fucking once you do what match dot com?
Something like that, e Harmony silver singles? I guess sign know for that
silver singles? Do you no our time? Our time? Our time is
called? That's for what? Oh? Yeah? No. Fifty Coming in
second place was having no hobbies fall by identifying as a maga Republican and yeah,
I see that a lot. No Trumpers. Yeah, okay, okay,
see I can see that too. More than half fifty five percent of
women said identifying as a communist as a red flag, but other socio political
stances were more problematic. Do you care if she's really hot and she says
hate capitalism, I don't like this whole uber thing. No, Actually that
would be more almost communism and that we're sharing the profits with everybody. So
I don't know. Maybe you already in the cab. First of all,
if you're that smoking hot, what are you doing on a dating site?
In my opinion, and I'm not saying people that are if you see a
smoke after average, you're just getting out there. But can you see a
smoking hot woman on it on a dating site? Do you think it's fake.
I think something's it's the same way, and I don't want to sound
cruel, but people like, hey, you ever pick up any hot women?
I'm like, no hot women in your They either have a boyfriend driving
around or somebody who's bought them a car, like you were sating earlier.
But hot is a different term for me, because again it's it's how I
connect with somebody that really cooks my eggs. Let's get cook your eggs.
You can't judge a book by its cover. Picture says a thousand words,
you know, like these analogies. I was tucking traffic ubering today. I
had to write something down. All right, here's one that would really be
your thing. Would you be okay dating a woman that can drink you under
the table? Uh? Not? Oh anymore? Not anymore. I can't
stand sloppy drunks, and even I've embarrassed myself a few many hundred times.
But once you get older, you kinda I mean, don't get me wrong.
I still go out and you know you're gonna tie one on. I
you know I'm over and we'll meet you there. It's gonna be a long
night. Okay. I dated somebody for a while, it had fun,
and it was a couple of years, and there were two or three incidents
where the person they wouldn't get like obnoxiously drunk or anything, but all of
a sudden they just fell off a barstool, like didn't even put out their
hands to fucking brace themselves. It's like dang, yeah. And there were
a couple of times, and then sometimes some silly things would happen, but
always swaying. It just looks sloppy. I was like, people are saying
sent to me and we're walking on the Marges and Marges is perpetually under construction,
and they had those tarps hanging off with like a lead pipe. As
he came out, and all of a sudden, she like disappears behind that.
She's like so fucking falls she get lost. She just fell right right
through it. And I'm standing there and I'm like homely embarrassed, right embarrassed.
So now I got to help her to the car now, and this
is where I go. I can't. I can't do this anymore because instead
of like holding her hand or anything, I grabbed her like a bouncer wood
from the back of her arm and her elbow and I had one hand here,
one hand here. She kept swaying. The next day she goes,
oh my god, what happened? She had like my hand print on her
arm. Now, I didn't hit, I didn't do anything, but I
was clearly squeezing. I was squeezing because I'm on one side of you keeping
you fall traffic. Well, she's fucking right, but either way, I
go, this ain't good. This isn't good. I can't. So that
was, well, why is it okay for you to get that drunken?
Well, I'm not falling down on my face and falling was all of a
sudden, fucking disappearing behind cannon, behind plastic. Am I falling off fucking
barstools? It was like, it's somebody just went they hit that level and
book God, no, I couldn't. Uh have you ever seen one of
these? We've talked about this, and I know they're out there in our
area for men for women. Excuse me saying are we dating the same guy?
Rochester dot com? Are we saying that? Are we dating the same
guy Rochester Facebook? I've never heard of that. So now there's are we
dating the same girl? And somebody writes, hey, FYI something I've learned
through the years of these dating profiles. If a woman states not into one
night stands or quote no hookups, that's an automatic green light. They do
it. If that's what you're looking for. I see that awful. I
gotta go. I bet that motherfucker's right. I bet he's right. I
bet that that changes everything. That's an automatic green light. And then he
says they might be a touch where reluctant, but don't worry. It's like
they feel guilty and are trying to erase their wrongs and convince themselves. Many
encounters with women who acted the exact opposite. I'm sure there's a lot of
women. I'll tell you this here. It depends on the hotness of the
dude or the compatibility. If she's having a great time and she's like her
inhibitions are a little bit gone, she may agree to do something and fully
aware it's consent. Could be absolutely if you pull up into a VW or
you pull up in a Lamborghini. Yeah, it's a big difference. Yeah,
that's a big difference. All right, turn on or turn off?
Moaning while eating? Oh I can't stand people to make How about lips back
and oh I can't stand that. I try to be very careful noise I'm
eating, and it just drives me up the wall. No, I would
not, I couldn't. No, no, oh god, it's like a
cow with cud. Yeah about it? Yeah? All right? Are there
more turned on? That was on? I just kind of went through what
I thought I thought of you because I go, oh wait, I never
opened the phone lines for you. Oh thanks, I apologize. Let me
see I can grab it right now. You know what one instant uh like
is instant like like is uh? Girls they have a picture with overall on
farmer overalls. I think those are the sexiest cash damn things. The farmer's
daughter look done with nothing else. Well, no, you can have a
shirt underneath, but this see uh that you know face you just take the
buttons off and it's go. It's just that's I mean, I think we're
all right. Okay, okay, call me streets weird. I I think
I think I'm not. I'm not saying that, you know what. This
is part of my bit that I last year I was dating on an older
woman and uh, you know, when women get to be older, they
still want to be sexy and she goes, you go in the bedroom and
I'll be in a couple of minutes after something specially, I'm like, okay,
okay, So I'm laying there. She comes in with a G string
on. It was a Depends G string. Yeah, I can't crush.
I go all right, I'm in, I'm on board. What happens she's
trying for me? I get it. There's no Depends. Of course,
there's not a Depends drink. Did you imagine what? Obviously I came up
with a joke kind of turned me out. I know she didn't get in
a show World maybe yes, the uh fu? Seriously, seriously, what
is you stop wearing strings? I mean I never warned them, Doug,
So I can't. I think there's the last roller coaster ride for all of
us when you get older. I mean, you're gonna be like, you
know, okay, I'm I'm done doing this. I'm done working out,
I'm done taking walks and whatever happens. And you know, I've tried losing
weight and I'm just I'm just gonna be comfortable with myself from here on out.
Yeah, or living denial like I don't. I don't. Okay,
So the age that they stopped worrying. Would it gross you out if you
found out your mom was still wearing g strings? Yeah, it would would
gross you out. Well, yeah, because it's my mom. Yeah,
well okay, but I'm okay, but what about your mom's friends? Have
any friends? What about an ant? What if you had an ant he
found out she's seventy fun Dolly Parton wore a G string, which Dolly Parton
did wear sparkled right because it was it depends since she wet herself. You
caught the light, right, it just looked like it was down there.
It's all drug that would you? Would that bother you? Yeah? I
mean yeah, but if I was an older gentleman and we had a relationship,
but she was trying to spark things up in the bedroom or whatever,
you kind of go with it, you know. Yeah, I mean there's
role playing and people after you're married for so many years, you might try
to do a little something. AskMen dot com. It's a big article in
the in the current issue about having the conversation with your partner about They say
that's one of the hardest thing. Yes, it is. It is because
because I think it becomes a guilt thing. And A and you feel like
you're not doing your eye don't. There's often I was married, and times
where it just you got the kids, you're up in the middle of the
night, things aren't happening, and as a guy, you're you don't even
want to ask because she could already be in a bad mood and now you're
making a worse mood. And I don't want to be rejected, like I'm
just gonna lay here and jerk off. It's it's like the old Penthouse cartoon
or the guys laying there. Well you read the cartoons, yes, she
lost. They read the cartoons and Penthouse they were fucking funny as ship.
It was like, remember, there were two that I just thought of.
Let me tell you the first one I remember on this conversation, and then
I'll give you the other one. The first one I remember that pertains to
our conversation was a guy laying in a couple. They're both in bed.
He's reading a book one hundred and one Ways to Turn on your wife,
and hers was one hundred and two excuses. I remember that one, yes,
yes, right. The other one I remember was the fat lady who
was poking up the hanging up the thing going missing dog but stuck in the
crack. Yes was the dog. Yes. And I was probably about somewhere
between twelve and fourteen when I first saw those, and I remember thinking they
were the funniest shit I had ever seen. Playboy was the hoddest thing back
then. I think were they Playboy or was it Penhouse Playboy Hustler? Oh
it was a hustler cartoon. Oh, it was hustling cartoons because they had
their own I just remember thinking Penhouse had the volume of cartoons. Those cartoons
were hilarious. Yeah, you had to have a kind of a raunchy mind,
some of them were. And I had a pop them exactly. Let's
be honest, it's all good. But I mean those artists would sell their
their artwork to all three of those and plus other even the New Yorker,
and they would down. Yes, it was a lot of this similar artists
not dumb it down, but they didn't have to make it dirty or sexist,
or they weren't dumblant down for the New Yorker. I think New Yorker
was a little more cerebral. The others were a little easy York. Of
course, that wasn't happening. I used to New York. I don't know
why I went with that. But other magazine they had comedy in them.
Yeah, I mean even Mad Magazine. They probably sold some clips to them.
I guess, I don't know. Yeah, being a cartoonist, you
get your name out there. All right, there are two things I want
to take a moment. Okay, dog is going to be on stage in
a week Thursday, Thursday. Right, it's going to be opening up for
Mike Danbrough, who's a Rochester guy. But it placed clubs all over the
country. I was just looking them up on YouTube dot com. Last he
used to do a whole bit that just had people in absolute stitches and it
was like the whole from start to finish. It was like a forty five
minute set and it was fantastic. I don't know that he does that anymore.
He certainly got talent to do anything. But you'll be opening it's just
you and he, just me and him. That's yeah. You're doing fifteen
to twenty minutes upfront. YEP five shows one Thursday, two Friday to Saturday,
and you can get your tickets at Carlsoncomedy dot com and you're but you
have some of your material. Yeah, I've been practicing it. Would you
you you mentioned it when you came in here. Do you want to do
it here? You know what? Why not? So even if you're going
to the show, you want to hear some of it? No, but
it's I think it's cool to hear it here and then go see it playing
the right rule. Thinking about that today because I was practicing the evolution of
it right. Yeah, I think that's kind of cool. And then the
other is you're a fan of the forty nine ers, yes, or shocked
that the Philadelphia Eagles are an underdog at home to the forty nine ers this
week? What is it? Three and a half? Three and a half,
But that's still you get three and a half for being you get three
for being home. We were winning last year in the NFC Championship when his
Brock Scott his arm broke and that was pretty ugly, pretty ugly. I
love Brock Purdy. He's got the seventies, poor name like Jerk Diggler brox
So and we want him bad. Yes. Well, I'll give you some
of the odds and they're still I believe the Vegas odds favorite to win the
Super Bowl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so this could all be a
great omen for you with your comedy coming on. Yes, well let's see.
We'll get to all that next. But first, manscaped, let me
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me, Oh Dolly, Come on break on that cheerleader outfit. Let me
take it to the fifty yard line and bag baby. Now, I want
to hand it to her because she didn't play loved it. I'd love to
hand it to her. Yeah, you would. She did playboy, She
wasn't nude. She had her Yeah, I mean you can't miss them.
No, and those are you know, those aren't enhanced. But she did
say, yes, I was on a Titanic. Yeah boo. She was
on either on Jay Leno or Johnny Carston jay Leno. And she said that
if she's not feeling right, she'll have a little nip tuck here and there.
Over the years, she's had a lot of work done. But she
says it openly. Yes, you know, not like these other actresses you
know have a little something done. They claim, No, I didn't do
anything. She's there, Yeah I had a done. I mean she might
have had a little lyft, a little tummy tucky. Why do we get
it's it's a funny thing, is said Jolie. I'm just here. No,
you were saying it all fucking nuts. You annoyed your friends. I
annoyed one friend. No, what I was gonna say is, why do
we get upset with people who would deny the nip talk. What do we
care? Right? But there is something about aging gray fully versus because sometimes
it can go too far, Like even Jane Fonda at eighty five, there's
work. It almost looks unnatural at some point just people say I never have
that done. Well, most people don't have an extra ten or fifteen grand
to have it done fifteen. I think some of it's okay, probably even
more than that. You know, you get that deep neck contour, turkey
neck gun. Yeah, that's that's expensive. That penis enlargement. Whoa,
there's actually a doctor here in Rochester. I found out about this two summers
ago. So we're all I'm at a buddy's house. We're all drinking,
and this one woman goes, yeah, there's a doctor. He's a plastic
surge or something. He's been doing penile enlargement, Like he's trying to get
guys to come in, and he shoots you up. She goes, really
just to give you more girth, and she's like, you know, basically
it's like botox. I go, no, it's not. No, it's
not that's botox, baby, that's boat Cox. Maybe if I get any
more, girthy, We're a sweatpants real twenty four to seven, Yeah,
without a doubt, and number again two seven five, May five to zero,
six eighty eight sixty six. There you go call us in now four
off from sixty nine baby. That's right, you love doctor sixty eight.
Oh you won sixty O you won. That's so funny. All right,
So do what do you want to do first? Your comedy or do you
want to do your uh, your forty nine ers brag? Whatever you want
to do, that's your shorty nine ers bragging will end on the high note
of your comedy. Okay, forty nine ers bragging. Now, I did
not know this until you just said this. No, I didn't look at
the line or anything. So I know we're playing next. It's been in
fact four thirty Yes, this Sunday, This Sunday. Yeah, this is
a big game. It is because the Buffalo Bills. I mean, they
really took them right to the edge. And to me, I'm going to
say this, but I feel like when I say it, I every time
it's about to come out of my mouth, I've eaten the words because it's
not it's not true to say they blew it. But they didn't. No,
they did blow it. I believe that they beat themselves out there on
many cases, right down to the coaching staff. I mean, just let
him try to kick a fifty nine yarder. If they make it, they
make it. If they don't, why are we icing the kicker on a
fifty nine fucking windy Rady night. Come on, man, nobody hits that.
Okay, the guy got it, but it doesn't matter. It didn't
change anything, is my point. And you would have had twenty seconds and
he got Josh Allen, who knows. I thought Josh Allen that game,
honestly, and we talked that nauseam about this was the best player in the
NFL last Sunday, absolutely the best player. That guy was unbelievable. But
I want to say they were the better team, and yeah they were,
but they weren't because they lost and they committed so many penalties. I just
don't think they were as prepared as the Eagles. I don't think that.
I don't think they're coaching staff. Yeah, you don't let Josh Allen run
for three or four games, and now you see him against the Phildale Fieagles
and you're letting him run, letting him do it. Yeah, so you've
blown your own season. So they can lose one more game against Miami or
Miami, yeah, or a casey and win the rest and have a ten
and seven record and maybe squeak it, maybe squeak it maybe maybe. Yeah.
I mean that, that's absolutely true. But I also will say that
everybody when that after the coordinator change and here comes Joe Brady, and everybody's
going, I can't tell much from this game. And I watched the game
and I thought, oh, they're probably right. These guys, these prognosticators
are smart guys. They talk about sports all the time, smart guy Jocksniffers
team. I watch it, I go, you know what, bullshit?
They changed that offense and there's no fucking way they would have done in this
swell against the Philadelphia Eagles if Dorsey were in there, they ran the ball
three times in a row. They had never done that all season. Do
you know what the line on that game was? No? Three and a
half. It was yeah right. People are saying that the the bar and
they're like, can you believe that line? Yeah? What do they know?
What are the bookies know that we do? Because I think they saw
all the changes in the offense, and they know Josh Allen, I really
do now. But here so I think Philadelphia looks vulnerable. They are vulnerable
with the with the right vulnerable. The only other word I know is vagina.
And you have to remember, I gotta remember, did you say virgina?
I know, virgina, vulture, and vulnerable. They're all two or
three syllable words, and those are very deficult for me. The forty nine
ers, so I believe they're three point favorites this weekend in Philly. In
Philly, yeah, which I mean, that's rare, man, that's rare.
But they are plus four hundred to win the Super Bowl. That's the
best odds, followed by the Kansas City Chiefs at four to twenty five Eagles
at four fifty plus four fifty. Yeah. I don't I don't see how
it's not. The Niners are Philly out of the NFC. Yeah, really,
I mean the Niners. Look, I mean the Niners with everything clicking
after the bye week, and that Philadelphia back field, defensive backfield is suspect.
Yeah, And I don't feel that way with the Niners. Now,
We've got a lot of we got a lot of talent. I was all
from DraftKings. So it's not like some fly by night. Probably twenty four
second that's all they did. That's all they did. That's all they do.
Who else did they got? They get the Niners, they have the
Dolphins and the Ravens tied at plus eight hundred. That makes sense. Cowboys
at plus nine Cowboys are making Lions at plus twelve hundred, and the Jags
at plus fifteen hundred, plus fifteen hundred. Yeah, and the AFC Chiefs,
Dolphins, and he got Jalen Hurts, raven favorite to win the MVP
because you know, I don't think the the person that's one of the MVP
has won the Super Bowl in the same year. A lot of times.
It's only happening. Yeah, I think you're right. I think he's right.
It's great. He's got to be one of those guys. I think
so. And I think then could another one be Montana? I think so.
I don't know, yeah, something like that. Anyway, I just
thought I would share that with you become a forty nine Ers. Everybody liked
the Cowboys are Steelers when you were a kid. Yeah, I think I
was two. Yeah, I don't remember that. Like I got into football
was the Niners and they won the Super Bowl and I'm like, okay,
I'll stick with it. Yeah not just changed my team to whoever wins the
Super Bowl? Right, So nin fan Ever since, I've been there a
bunch of times. Yeah, they've been there five times, I know seven
times or five and two? So have you been out to when you wherever?
At when they played in Candlestick? Did you? I was not a
Candlestick. Me and my best friend Mike Gilbert had tickets to the Monday night
game. It was supposed to be Buffalo in San Frane. We had plane
tickets and COVID hit oh shit, really yeah, the money bag for the
tickets. We tried to sell the tickets on line in Buffalo or wherever they
were, and I got stuck with the money. I wasn't very good at
it, and the tickets went down from I think we paid two or three
hundred dollars each. It's not outrageous by today's standards, but that's a lot.
Yeah. I think we were trying to sell them for another game or
they said you could exchange them again. I was very good at that.
I should have got some help and and I try to put on Facebook and
Facebook and no takers for a Buffalo game. That's the best we had because
they had moved the game from San France to Arizona. The Niners got blown
out. Yeah, and it is what it is in the past, and
the Niners will be in Buffalo next year. They play each other every six
years and every twelve years, you know, it goes to different stags.
Yes, so I did see Montana play when he was with the Chiefs in
the AFC Championship game. I've seen the Niners the past three times they've been
here over eighteen years. I've seen Jerry Rice, Steve Young, even Kaepernick
when he knelt, and I really turned my stomach for the national anthem.
Oh it did. Ye. I didn't have a problem with it because I
thought it was a fair solution to him sitting. The sitting I thought was
worse. And when a marine came to him, I think it was a
marine came to him and said, how about we meet somewhere in the middle.
I thought the kneeling was okay because the prior weeks he was sitting on
the bench. He didn't even stand, and I thought this was at least
somewhat respectful. Hey, I got a problem here, but I'm gonna honor
the flag and I'm gonna do it. And he had a serviceman next to
him, so that that softened it for me. A lot of people will
say I'm crazy for that, So don't don't take don't take my thing on
it. But I thought the kneeling was better than the sitting. The sitting,
I thought, yeah, that's not I don't like that. We shouldn't.
We should probably. I mean, there's a lot of people who made
this who do an awful lot to make this country right, you know,
so that I thought the sitting was pretty bad. But yeah, Kaepernick lock.
I think he won a collusion case against the NFL, saying that they
conluded to keep him out. After that, I don't remember that. Yeah
he did. I'm pretty sure he did. It was kept fairly quiet.
But I think he got money from the NFL, a couple million more than
the eighteen million the Nike was paying him. Yeah, I think, Yeah.
I think I thought it would have been two or two and a half,
and I'm pretty sure it was. Who was his lawyer's defense attorney?
I have to find that out put. Yeah it wasn't, Jenny cachran right,
No, no, no, no, no, no no. I
think I think Johnny might have been fast by this. I'm not sure.
All right? Should we do Doug's comedy here? Sure? Now? Hang
on here? This is how we uh. I think this is usually the
intro they use. Welcome to the jungle. Yeah yeah, ladies and gentlemen,
please turn off your phones, keep your laughter loud and you're talking to
a minimum man. Please welcome to the stage, the funniest man behind the
wheel dog fail. It's usually what they bring up to it. Yes,
Oh, good evening, Carlson, good evening, everybody on Bilified podcast.
Here we go. You look Bill, you look fantastic. I gotta tell
you me not so much. This was gonna be my year to lose weight,
and it has been an epic fail. Well. I did start out
right in January. I bought one of those fitbits, those watches that count
your steps. Yes, ecept, I made the mistake of wearing it while
I masturbated, and I looked at it. It told me I ran twenty
eight miles and seven minutes. Wow. Yeah, So I returned it right
there and then wow, Now that's crazy. Now I'm not allowed in Dick
Sporting Goods anymore. Apparently you're not allowed to Apparently you're not allowed to work
out in store. I did join a gym, I got a personal trainer.
Or to waste of money. That was some jacked up Arnold Schwartz.
Nigger guy goes mister Phelps. He goes, what do you want to work
on? Do you want to build muscle masks? Do you want to tone
up? Do you want to lose weight? I'm like, easy, does
it? Arnold? All you gotta do is tell me what machine I have
to use in here to get a woman in my bedroom. He goes the
ATM perfect, thank you, best workout ever. I didn't even break a
sweat. Well, you want to be attractive, you know you want to
have you know, people always ask me. You asked me, like Doug,
I see on Facebook, you're always pictures with women and they got their
arms around you. I'm like, this is just they're just fun pictures with
friends. I have no game with women. My game with women is like
a game of monopoly, where I'm the shoe. I start with only fifteen
bucks and the only property I can get his Oriental Avenue. That's that's my
game with women. And sometimes I'm thinking I'm gonna do good. You know,
I'm coming around. Go I'm gonna get that two hundred and I follow
the property deck and it all goes to hell. I have buddies that have
game. They got park place on boardwalk, all four railroads. I mean,
they do good with women me, although my luck might be changing though.
Last night I was at a bar and this woman bought me a beer
and she goes, you in that comedy show next week of the Carlson I
go, well, yes, i am. She goes, do you think
you're funny? I go, yeah, I think I'm funny. She goes,
how are you in bed? I'm like oh, I'm like, well,
sweetie, I'm like, did Jack grab it? Roller Coaster over Sea
Breeze takes about twenty minutes to get on the ride, last minute thirty eight
seconds, and then the park shuts down five hours for repairs. But you
walk away going that's a good ride. I like that ride. I'm not
gonna ride it again this year, but next year I'm I'm gonna give it
a ride. I'm gonna I'm gonna give it a ride. I love that
joke. Well, you know, people, you're not gonna want me at
your show? Why because I'm gonna meaning the fuck it back. I'll start
cracking up. That's all of a sudden, I'll go, I love this
one. You'll hear it from across the room. Well, I have my
niece tries to play matchmaker. I am single, I'm fifty three, and
she goes, Ncle Doug, you're funny. But girls like funny. You
just need some younger terms. And I'm like, I have urs. I
don't have younger terms. I just she goes, no, you do.
If you heard this one, Billity, you have Netflix and chill. Yeah,
text he calls somebody and hey, you want a Netflix and chill And
they come over and you pick something on Netflix and chill watch it right then
you go, well, you go to the next level. They have Hulu
and do you okay, which is just like Netflix and chill. Something come
over and they if you can see me that you're you're pounding it. And
I said, Maris, I don't the women I hang out with don't tell
me the Netflix and Chill. The women I hang out would tell me if
I lose the station on the left hand side of my body. Squeeze my
hands, squeeze my necklace, read my bracelet, call my daughter her numbers
on the fridge. If you know me, I bang them old. I
am an old buck hunter, oldest old baby, oldest gold. My wheelhouse
for women is between seventy and you will. I like it where they can
smack me in the ass and call me a rascal as long as they're not
riding one. I just turned into McMahon. That's a good one there,
Doug. Sorry. And I've been kicking it with this older woman for a
couple of years. I don't want to tell you how old she is,
but she has buried three husbands. She is a three time widower. My
Spanish friends have a cute nickname for me. They call me Quatro. You
know, it doesn't matter the age. There's always ups and downs. There's
always she gets mad at me. She you know, we get in our
fights. And when she's mad at me, her thing is she will hide
my TV remote. That drives me up the wall. I get mad at
her and I hide her teeth. And she's always so funny. When she
wants the back, She's like, okay, smart where are they this time?
I'm like, what, I don't know? What are you talking about?
So that's a little bit of the tape that really impressed. Thank you,
And I'll tell you why, because to sit here and do it is
uncomfortable a little bit. I've been rehearsing at home as you I made fun
of you. That's all right, But did you video it? I didn't
have video. You should video it, just to see because sometimes you'lln't even
notice things that can make it funnier physical comedy. Here's the microphone. Yes
see, I showed you. Did you see now? It's funny as you
said that because I had a Dolly Parton give some Dolly Parton? What cookware
from Delago? How did you get that from? How do you get?
Uh? They give free gifts and I and get them, usually find her
friend then I regift them. But I kept that one for a friend of
mine and I send this picture. When you do, I go, I'm
rehearsing my comedy. She goes with Dolly Parton and the Living Girl, which
I thought was hilarious. Do you stand in front of that microphone? Yeah,
I would say, and I know that I made fun of you for
doing this, But I think it's a really smart thing to do because I
did the same thing. I would do it. I would do rehearse and
stand. I wouldn't stand in front of a mirror and I have just paced
back and forth, but be standing and picturing myself with the audience. But
having the microphone and seeing how you stand with it. What's natural? What's
funny? Because I can tell you what you just did here is really funny
stuff. But it's it's uncomfortable you're doing it to me. Oh, I
got to do it somewhere. You got to get over that fear. No,
I understand, but reality. But there I've heard of like that woman
beth don Hill I was talking about earlier. She went to some big club,
I don't remember what it was, and the owner goes, all right,
come in here, give me your time, do ten minutes for me.
And you had to stand there in front of him. And he's doing
other work, like he's checking this, he's looking at the computer, the
bill sheets come in, he's signing something, and you got to stand there
and do your act for this guy. And that's like that can really make
or break you in a sense. Uh. And it's uncomfortable. I thought
this was smooth. You know, the material, it all flows, it
all fits. I don't know. I think it's gonna go great for you.
So because what's gonna happen is you're gonna have more energy in that room.
Yes, and you're gonna be more excited and a little bit nervous,
which really is just excitement, and then you're gonna fucking crush. I think
it's great. Go out and see Doug. You're gonna love it. Thank
you. Yeah, it's on Carlsoncomedy dot com. Yeah, I'm opening up
for Mike Danbro who Mike is some of his on YouTube or wherever. Yeah,
you know, and my and Mike is from Rochester. Yes, I
think, uh, yeah, I don't know where. I've been handing out
some flyers to some over riders at yeah, and they talking like, yeah,
I know this guy. I've seen him before, you know, recognize
him from some pass. You know he's clicking in people's heads and that's a
good thing. Yeah, Well he's been around and he won. They used
to have the Captain's attic had the funniest person in Rochester stuff, And I
think Mike won. That's a long time ago. There was at the mall,
right in the mall, and then there was one ale in Greece to
the Captain's Cove. No, there was a captain's adic with web closing.
I don't know much about nothing, but he would win those. And you're
right, the comedy was at the mall at Marketplace Mall. Yeah, that's
where they did do it, okay, and he he had won that a
couple of times. But then since then he's gone on to do a ton
of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I looked him up. He was touring
from Can. I think you're gonna like him, and uh, he's enjoyable,
yes, yeah, And I no, but I think you're gonna like
him as a guy just hanging out. And I don't mean that it's so
horrible, but sometimes the odd stage persona's not doesn't match the off stage persona.
He's the same guy. Yeah, and I think you're gonna enjoy that.
But I I think that was great. And the fact that you even
just agreed to just sit here and do it, I think it's even better.
Well, of course I'm gonna agree. I love making you laugh,
it's a fun time. I love making it. I love the listeners yes,
well, of course, Yeah, people loved Doug. Last week was
fucking hilarious. Yes, did you get good feedback to people call in?
I don't know. I haven't talked to him Thanksgiving? Your kids were in
task, yes, you know. I don't know if people are writing in,
calling in, or if my kids were in town. And then I
told this last night, and my dad called me today, and I know
he listens to the podcast and he'll say, you, oh, I read
the little blurb, but if you're doing an interview, I'll listen. Otherwise,
I figure it's not aimed at me, is what he'll say. I
listened last night with your dad getting the bill, the bill, No,
not the bill. He was fine, he says he's gonna do this.
My brother's got the right attitude. Fuck, this is what he does.
But when the two bottles of wine, Doug, I'm sitting next to him.
He's steaming, and he's going to be old. He's mumbling under his
breath and he's saying all this shit, and I feel like a little kid
again, like I'm in trouble. Right, I didn't do it. All
I did was trying to get one goddamn drink, right, it's like,
right, he's stealing as somebody. Yeah, and he's just had and he's
he's huffing and puffing about it and huffing. Then uh, you know,
I I said, I showed him where the bathroom was. There's a little
bit of a walkers and we're walking back. It's two bottles, two bottles.
The next day we're on the street, he goes, I'm gonna go
in the liquor store see if I can find seventy eight dollar bunles of wine.
Like he would not let it go. Now, where were you?
Uh? Mer bou merbou is a it's a it's actually it's not a chain.
It is a spa. It's a spa restaurant. You go in there.
Uh, they were fifty dollars bottles away, seventy eight, seventy eight.
But these were So there's one in Skinny Atlas and then there's one in
ryan Beck and they're putting another one. I think a little further down.
I don't if somebody else knew that. I think there may be three locations.
Now. I believe the original one was Skinny Antlas, so i'd been
there. How was the food? Food was fantastic? It was fantastic.
That kind of price you expect to it was awesome. I thought everything was
great, and it was fun hanging out with everybody. It was fun seeing
all the grand kids together and my kids and I stood with my boys and
I look like I'm in a hole next to them. Because so, how's
the podcast doing, Uncle Bill? Oh? Yeah, it's uh, it's
coming. I get all these questions. Oh, I'm sure. Oh,
I get tons of questions. That's all right, all right, we will
close it out. Dog. I can't wait to see you on state.
Wait, will be here next week? Yeah, leading up, Yeah,
I'll be practicing all this week. Oh, now that you did about what?
They're five seven minutes we heard? Yeah, right around there? Can
you give us like three minutes of stuff we haven't heard next week. I
don't want you to do anything that you close on, but I love the
jack rabbit joke. You did that at the Funniest Person in Rochester. It
was really great. And you never repeated jokes when you did that. No,
I didn't because I knew your foto coming back. Yeah, some people
said that, but I wanted to keep it fresh and new. And if
this is gonna go somewhere. You gotta keep working on your material some way,
and you're not always in the mood. So when I write something down,
I gotta keep it. Like going out to uh dinner with an older
woman, you know, I'll usually have a Jenny Lader dirty Martini. She
has a Captain Morgan and Insure. Hey, Bill, I'm really excited to
be here though, but last week I got to tell you what. I
started a new job. What's that? I started my first porno? Really?
Yeah, I play the husband that leaves her work for Dougie Fresh.
I'm Bill Murran. We'll see you tomorrow. Tired of the mess and hashle
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