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You're listening to kaf I Am six
forty on demand. Kaya fi Am six

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forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy

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Walsh Show. It's where I take
your calls and answer your social media questions.

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If you would like to call in, the number is one eight hundred

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five two zero one kfive. That's
one eight hundred five two zero one five

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three four. Just reminder, I'm
not a therapist. This is drive by

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makeshift relationship advice. However, I
do have a PhD in clinical psychology.

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I'm a professor of psychology. I've
written three books on relationships and I did

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my dissertation on attachment theory. Okay, producer Kayla, who do we have?

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First? We have Maxine with a
question. Okay, Hi Maxine,

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it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor
Wendy. What's your question? Love?

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Okay, So there's this guy.
He's been in my wife for ten plus

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years. He treats really nice.
Sim Nikis, we go on vacation.

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We're just friends, but he does
express that he loves me and how he

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feels about me, and it just
hasn't been there for me. I am

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getting older. I do want to
settle down. And I just want to

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know if you think, if it
hasn't happened yet, will it ever happened

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with him? He's such a good
guy. Should I just you know,

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take what I have available to me. Well, let me ask you this.

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How old are you and how old
is he? I'm thirty five going

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on thirty six. He's thirty eight. Okay, So I want to say

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something about this friendship you've had for
ten years with a guy who you take,

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accept gifts from, go on vacations
with. He expresses his love for

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you, but you don't have sex. Is that true? We've been incident

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before and I've told him before that
it's just not there for me. Okay,

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So I need to say this really
nicely magazine. You're using him?

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I mean, it's not. If
it's been ten years and there's no chemistry

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for you, then you have to
let him go. But more importantly,

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I would ask you to ask the
question of what need has he been fulfilling

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in you? And what has he
been protecting you from? Has he been

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protecting you from dating and finding a
real relationship? And I also do want

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to say that a good enough relationship
is a good enough relationship. So I

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see that you're there. You're kind
of on the fence. But if you

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do enter into a romantic relationship with
this guy, you're going to have to

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be physical Otherwise he's going to be
unhappy and it's not going to go well.

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So if you're sure you don't want
to be physical with him, then

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you've, I'm sorry to say,
for both of your health, you've got

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to cut it off so you can
move forward, so that you can find

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you have to be needy, like
he's actually satisfying so many of your needs,

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gifts, vacations, telling you he
loves you, he's adoring you,

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and so you need to be needy
of that. And in order to be

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needy of that, you've got to
let him go. I think that's the

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right thing, and I think it's
the moral thing to do, Maxine,

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instead of trying to force yourself into
having sex with somebody who don't want to

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and for the rest of your life, I think you should move on.

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But I'm sorry, bad news,
But thank you so much for telling me

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that. Okay, before I go
to social I want to say this a

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couple of questions. This came in
on Instagram Live and I want to make

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sure that I get them. One
question was what did I learn meaning me?

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What did you learn meaning me?
What did I learn from my very

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first marriage? So I had a
college marriage when I was twenty one,

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and I got married for my mother. My mother was very Catholic, and

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I had moved in with my college
boyfriend and she stopped talking to me,

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and I had the crazy girl logic
that, well, I'd had a relationship

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with this woman for twenty one years. I'd only had a relationship with this

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guy for one year. I should
probably go with her. So, first

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thing I learned is don't get married
because your mother wants you to. Second

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thing I learned is never ever ever
get married under the age of twenty five.

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Our prefrontal cortex is not fully formed
when we are that young. Literally,

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it was like two kids getting married
and we were became two different people

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very very quickly. Okay, Another
question just came in live on Instagram is

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how many dates do you have to
have before you know there's chemistry. Well

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that's a little bit like Maxine's question. Ten years she had and still wasn't

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sure if there was chemistry. I
have to say this, you don't have

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to have chemistry. Okay, there's
this idea, and let's talk about what

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chemistry is. So there is this
idea that you must have super hot,

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amazing, off the chart sex in
order to have a healthy, happy relationship.

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Well, actually, a good sex
life can be created between two people.

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It involves skills and involves communication,
It involves talking about your fantasies,

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it involves novelty and exploration. That's
how you can create a great sex life.

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Sometimes, and for some people,
their sexual attraction leads them to a

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car wreck every time. It's like
they go back to the scene of the

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crime from their early childhood trauma.
And often it's connected with their sexuality.

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So sometimes there are people out there
who, you know, when sex is

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hot and heavy, that's a red
flag, like they know this is not

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going to end well. Right,
So chemistry is not always necessary. But

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the real question is is when do
you know? Well? I want to

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say this, nobody should have sex
with anybody until they trust them. I

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spent the first half of the show
tonight talking about the tabby tinder swindler in

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New York. If you haven't seen
it on TikTok, it's a guy who

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had two dates with a woman,
had sex with her and then stole her

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one thousand dollars fashion shoes, and
the internet got back at him and the

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shoes all came back. But she
had sex with a guy she didn't know.

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She brought him to her apartment.
I'm not blaming her, not sluch

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shaming. This is not slut shaming. This is saying that sex is a

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much higher risk hobby for women than
it is for men. Women, because

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of our unique biology, are more
likely to catch and STI than men are.

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Women, because our bodies emit so
much oxytocin, which is one of

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the bonding hormones, we're more likely
to fall in love and it could be

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a loser, but we have these
feelings anyway, And of course we're more

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likely to catch in eighteen year case
a parent to it. And yes,

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now we have some protections, we
have condoms, we have birth control pills,

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et cetera. But there are women
out there who wouldn't give the keys

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to their house for a guide to
come and water their plants while they're out

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of town. Yet they'd expose their
bloodstream and their eggs to a complete stranger.

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So the answer is how long until
you know there's chemistry. I'll say,

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how long until you know there's trust? And that doesn't happen for at

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least a few weeks. You want
to watch how people treat how would they

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treat people out there in public?
You want to see how consistent they are,

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how reliable they are, how true
to their word they are. Anyway,

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so I think that's there's no one
right answer, because you will tell

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me anecdotally that, oh, well, I know somebody who slept together on

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the very first night and they've been
married now for twenty years. But the

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research doesn't support that. The research
actually supports that slow love leads to greater

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commitment, because what is commitment.
It is emotional intimacy. When two people

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have emotional intimacy, that's when they
have love and commitment and support each other.

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Okay, the numbers one eight hundred
five two zero one five three four.

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That's one eight hundred five to zero, one five three four. Who

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do we have on the line,
producer, Kayla, we have Jeremy.

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Jeremy, Hi, Jeremy, it's
doctor Wendy Hire Good. What's your question?

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So the weather it's going to be
getting cold around October ish? Is

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there a science to show that if
you haven't found some one special by now,

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that it will be kind of hard
to or you won't be able to

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once October rolls around. Oh,
you think summer is the only mating season

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for humans. It's a good question, but actually the research shows that's why

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we have the term cuffing season.
The research shows that people humans are most

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likely to hunker down and fall in
love near the holidays, during the darker

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days of the year, during the
colder times when you need each other to

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cuddle up. So yeah, flings
happen in the summer, and committed relationships

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are more likely to happen in the
fall. Good question, though, Jeremy,

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thanks for calling. All right,
when we come back, I'm going

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to continue to take your calls.
And also I want to go to social

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media. I have a bunch of
stuff in the DMS. The number is

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one eight hundred five two zero one
five three four. That's one eight hundred

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five two zero one KFI you are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show on

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kf I AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're

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listening to kf I AM six forty
on demand KF. I am six forty.

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You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh

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Show. I am taking your calls
and answering your social media questions. Reminder,

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I'm not a therapist. This isn't
therapy, but I have some knowledge

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about the science of relationships. Okay, Producer, Kayla, who do we

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have? First? We have a
talkback at a touchback? Okay, let's

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listen. Hey, doctor Wendy,
it's Arnold. We're talking about that Tabby

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Swindler and it got me to thinking
about how women are falling for these men.

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So I'm thinking, from what I've
been seeing, why aren't they learning

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better discernment and self control to help
keep them out of these situations and to

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find better mates. Excellent question.
Okay, so he Here's how evolution works.

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We adapt to different environmental stressors and
we do slowly change keyword there,

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slowly. It takes many, many, many generations for these environmental pressures like

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a bunch of playboys to work.
Now, women again have to have a

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lot of empathy and caring and nurturing
because that's their way of creating that bond

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and historically to be able to stay
connected and have the babies and stay connected

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their babies, et cetera. So
it's going to be a long time before

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they get better ability at discernment.
I mean, some women are better than

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others. However, technology is starting
to help women discern Thus, you know,

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attacking this guy and then the movie
The Tinder Swindler and this the tabby

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Tinder guy. They're now using the
most important thing that women have always used,

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which is girlfriend to girl friend guerrilla
research. Right, So they depend

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on the tribe to help them make
better decisions. And that's why, you

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know. I used to host a
show for Investigation Discovery called Happily Never After

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about basically bride and grooms that killed
each other, but it was rarely the

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groom that got killed, and it
was always these women. And I found

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like one hundred percent of the time
the marriages were elopements. In other words,

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they didn't have the tribe watching.
So I'm a big believer in getting

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that guy away from his guy pack, getting him into your girl crowd.

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I remember dating a guy when I
was young. He said, I feel

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I'm gonna dating you. I'm dating
a panel and I'm like, yeah,

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we are a panel. We are
all judging you, so he's going to

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pass a few tests. So I
think that they use their girl pack because

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as a compensation for the fact that, again not all women, but a

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big chunk of women don't have good
abilities of discernment. Good talk back,

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Arnold, Thanks for colling. What
do we get next? We ask Annie

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with the question Annie, Hi Annie, it's doctor Wendy. Hi doctor Wennie,

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thanks for taking my call. I
have one sister. She got married

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not almost three years ago, and
her husband and her have been fighting like

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every other area of their months or
something, and I don't know if I

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should get involved. There's a lot
of guilt tripping that he does, and

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it's bordering on gas almost I think
gas gas lighting. So it feels like

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emotional abused to you. Uh,
well, basically he like tries to make

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her feel guilty I think for doing
and may try to make him do something

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that he wants. Yeah, and
it's all fines when they were getting when

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they were dating, but I didn't
say anything really until and now it's just

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getting I don't know if every other
month is kind of tiring to hear the

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arguing to you, and well,
it sounds like they need to learn some

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conflict resolution skills, for sure.
I'd say the first thing and that I

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would suggest to your sister is that
she and he go to couple's therapy so

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they can learn to have better And
you know, you can say it in

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a way of like, I really
care about you and I'm really worried and

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this kind of fighting seems like it's
taking a toll on you, and I

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don't want it to escalate into anything
dangerous, So you know, can I

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help you find a couple's therapist.
Can you find a way to work on

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this because I love you and I
care about you, et cetera. That's

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where I would start, is try
to get them into professional therapy. But

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the other thing is you just it's
okay to give your opinion if you don't

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feel it's right. You're part of
her tribe, you're part of her family.

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And I would also suggest that you
elicit other family members and other friends

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so that she's not just thinking it's
you know, you and your vendetta and

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your weird opinion, but that other
people are seeing it. Because we don't

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want her her to slide into a
place where she experienced his domestic violence or

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chronic emotional abuse. So Annie,
thanks for Karen about your sister. I

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appreciate that you called. Okay,
let's go to social media, and I

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have this very interesting question. Hey, doctor, Wendy says this listener.

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I've been seeing a single father.
When I went to his place, he

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had a crib in his room.
A crib. Granted, I know he

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has a younger child, but I
feel uncomfortable sleeping in the same room that

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his child stays in. Is that
a red flag? No, it shows

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he has a good attachment to his
child and they want to sleep near.

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Now, it would be weird if
he wanted you to sleep in the same

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room while the child is there.
But it sounds like yours there during the

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week off, and so you have
problems with a piece of furniture. I

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don't know. I don't get that. It looks like he's a doting dad

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who has a good bed for his
child near him so he can wake up

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at the night if the child needs
anything. I would think that this is

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a green flag. This is a
good dad. But I wonder why that

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bothers you so much. I know
if there was a child in the bed,

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that would be a whole different thing. All right, one more quick

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question before we head to break.
Why do guys feel the need, Doctor

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Wendy to sleep with women before entering
a relationship. Why? Okay, so

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not every guy wants to sleep with
a woman before entering a relationship. If

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you meet a guy who wants to
audition you as a sexual object before looking

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at your heart or soul, then
you should run as fast as you possibly

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can. You are not a sex
object. You don't have to pass a

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sex audition to become a girlfriend.
Okay, So if there are guys out

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there, you can't fault them for
trying, right. There are plenty of

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guys out there looking for short term
relationships, and the best way to get

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a short term relationship is it pretend
you're looking for a long term relationship.

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Right, Let's just see if we
have chemistry, baby, and then we'll

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decide if we get know you have
the eggs Sperm chases egg not the reverse.

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So what you need to do is
say, when you have passed my

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audition, I'll decide if I'm going
to sleep with you. Uh huh,

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That's what I say. All right? When we come back, are you

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and your partner too and meshed?
I've got some details about what that means,

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because somebody's being too close is also
a problem, and also what you

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can do about it. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf

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00:16:37.159 --> 00:16:41.480
I Am six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening

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00:16:41.480 --> 00:16:48.799
to kf I AM sixty on demand
AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy

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Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. You know,

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I've been talking a lot about some
sort of negative sides of the science of

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love, and you know, I
try to explain that there's no one right

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way to have a healthy relationship.
There are many different kinds of relationships,

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and when you look at relationships from
the outside, you might think it's totally

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unfair, but it feels good to
the people in it. You know,

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finding love isn't always about finding pleasure
and happiness. It's about finding the familiar,

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and depending on what kind of family
you had growing up, you will

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try to find the same relationship dynamics. Hopefully your childhood wasn't filled with trauma

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and abuse, and then you grow
up to get into trauma bonds. But

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sometimes there's one certain family style that
I see come in relationships all the time.

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It's not necessarily bad, but if
you're feeling uncomfortable in it, then

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there are some things you can do
to change. I'm talking about enmeshment,

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where you're so ameshed nobody can remember
whose problem is whose lack of boundaries.

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You see a relationship, a love
relationship is like a end diagram. Those

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two circles beside each other, and
you don't want to have they overlap,

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right, So there's two individual people. Those are the circles. The circles

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overlap a little bit in that area
in the middle is the relationship. And

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when I see a relationship where those
two circles are beside each other, they're

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not even overlapping, then I think, where's the intimacy? Where's the connection?

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If I see circles that are almost
eclipsing each other, then I say,

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ah, there is the enmeshment.
So it's basically sometimes an unhealthy level

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of emotional and psychological fusion. And
here are some hallmarks of having a meshed

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relationship. The big one is lack
of personal boundaries. Do automatically just open

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each other's mail and go into each
other's clothing drawers and go into each other's

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phones. Is there no room for
any autonomy at all? Is are you

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able to say, no, this
is what I want? Is there a

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level of emotional dependency where you rely
on each other so much for emotional support

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and validation? You know, our
relationship is not supposed to be the basket

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that we put all our emotional eggs
into. Now, we shouldn't be having

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side relationships, emotional relationships that threaten
our primary relationship. But we should have

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close friendships. We should have family
that we can reach out to. If

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all you have is that other person, then may you're too emotionally dependent on

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them? Have you ever wondered if
you're losing your individuality When a relationship is

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enmeshed, individualism becomes less important.
The relationship becomes everything. And so what

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happens is partners sometimes struggle to maintain
their own interests. Now, I will

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say this, when you first start
to date somebody, there is a cocooning

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phase. Okay, sometimes it lasts
about a year and your friends are like,

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you didn't never come out anymore,
You never come and do that thing

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with me that we used to go
do. What happened? You just got

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a boyfriend, you got a girlfriend, and now you're not coming out right.

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So there's this time of cocooning where
you're going to bond, but then

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at a certain point you're like,
WHOA, I forgot who I am here.

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Let me find a better balance.
Let me make sure I see my

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friends, Let me make sure I
still do my hobbies right. So you

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can have that balance, and that's
really important. I think about my relationship

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with Julio, and here's a great
example. Today. It was a Sunday

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and we got up. He went
to the gym. I didn't because I

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knew I was going to swim later. So I worked on my show,

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reading all the articles like the one
on Ameshment that Kles sends to me,

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and so I was sort of in
bed with my coffee, doing my thing,

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and he went to the gym.
Then he came back and I made

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us a nice brunch. I made
crapes today. I was in a frenchy

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mood because I'm reading this book for
a book group called I'll Never Be French.

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It seems like it's a creative memoir. It's very funny, and they

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were talking about crapes a lot.
So I got up and made crapes.

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So we had a nice little kind
of brunch thing. And then he said,

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I'm gonna go ride my motorcycle for
a while, and I go,

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cool, I'm gonna go swimming.
So he went and wrote his motorcycle.

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I went swimming, and then we
came back and he said, oh,

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the men's tennis finals is still on, and we both enjoy tennis. So

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we both sat down and we started
watching tennis. Of course, then I

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00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:04.880
said maybe we should play tennis again. I haven't played in years. He

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00:22:04.920 --> 00:22:07.680
goes, neither of ie. And
the next thing, you know, I'm

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00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:12.680
like online looking for tennis rackets for
us to buy and anyway, and then

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eventually I got up in later and
made another little meal. Now you're saying

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00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:21.000
gender roles Jan, why doesn't he
cook? You know what he does.

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He cleans up everything afterwards and does
all the dishes. I don't even get

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00:22:25.200 --> 00:22:27.480
up and move after dinner. And
we both like it that way. It

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works for us. But what did
you hear in that description of our day?

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00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:38.720
Some relationship stuff and some individual stuff
that we do separately that feels healthy

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and normal. Now here's another thing, and mashed couples often have a shared

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00:22:44.640 --> 00:22:48.359
identity. Okay, if you have
one Facebook page for the two of you,

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00:22:48.839 --> 00:22:52.160
m are you really insecure that if
so insecure that if they have their

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00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:56.000
own separate Facebook page, that they're
going to leave you or meet somebody on

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00:22:56.039 --> 00:23:00.960
Facebook or something. Oh lord,
you can have your own separate stuff.

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00:23:02.279 --> 00:23:07.240
Here's some other signs that you're ameshed. Maybe you're in a rescuer victim dynamic.

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00:23:07.640 --> 00:23:11.319
You're always digging somebody out of a
hole. They're always like, oh

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00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:14.319
poor me, this bad thing happened
to me. You've gonna help me.

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00:23:14.960 --> 00:23:21.440
That's not a healthy relationship. Even
you might be neglecting your own self care.

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00:23:22.400 --> 00:23:26.680
Maybe you're not exercising, Maybe you're
not eating well because you're following them

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00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:30.279
around and doing everything they want and
they're being unhealthy. That's ameshed, right,

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00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:34.440
And the big one is are you
isolated from others? Emeshed couples tend

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00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:42.920
to isolate themselves from friends and family. They tend to prioritize their romantic relationship

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00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:51.200
and put it above all their other
social connections. Because the underlying feeling of

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00:23:51.240 --> 00:23:56.319
an ameshed relationship is fear of abandonment. Both partners fear abandonments, so they

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00:23:56.359 --> 00:24:03.000
go to any length to avoid anything
that might threaten the relationship. Now,

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00:24:03.119 --> 00:24:07.400
I want you to understand that there's
a difference between being interdependent and ameshed.

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00:24:07.799 --> 00:24:12.039
Interdependent means you take turns leaning on
each other's shoulders. You like to do

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00:24:12.119 --> 00:24:18.480
things together, but you do some
things separately. But ameshed is you're afraid

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00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:22.400
to be yourself. You're afraid to
be an individual because it might threaten the

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relationship. All right, if anything
I've said sounds familiar to you, when

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we come back, let's talk about
what you can do to overcome a meshment.

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You can make changes in your relationship. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy

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00:24:36.519 --> 00:24:41.039
Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio appet You're listening

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00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:47.960
to KFI AM sixty on demand.
KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor

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00:24:47.960 --> 00:24:51.680
Wendy Walsh with you. Producer Kayla, you pick the best music for these

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00:24:51.680 --> 00:24:56.880
segments. I love it. We're
talking about ameshment being a little too close.

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00:24:56.960 --> 00:25:00.160
I was talking about some of the
hallmarks for amishment. But producer Hey

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00:25:00.200 --> 00:25:03.319
Liz want to step ahead of us, and she posted a wonderful quiz that

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00:25:03.400 --> 00:25:08.720
was from Psychology Today dot com that
gives twenty five questions to tell if you're

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00:25:08.759 --> 00:25:14.000
ameshed. It is posted on our
KFI website, which is kfiam six forty

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00:25:14.119 --> 00:25:18.039
dot com slash doctor Yeah, slash
doctor Wendy Welsh. So what do you

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00:25:18.039 --> 00:25:22.160
do about it? Some of the
things I might have said earlier might have

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00:25:22.240 --> 00:25:27.160
made you go, who we got? That? I actually have some friends

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00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:34.000
who they're so coupily that I can't
call either one of them without them putting

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00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:38.759
the speakerphone on. Drives me crazy. It's rough when your friendship hits that,

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00:25:38.920 --> 00:25:41.039
Yeah, because it's like I was
friends with both of them and now

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00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:45.839
it's like it's just a weird blend
in between. Yeah, that's too ameshed.

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00:25:45.640 --> 00:25:48.599
Okay. So obviously, the first
and foremost thing that you can do

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00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:52.720
if you want to be a little
more of an individual, if you're afraid

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00:25:53.279 --> 00:25:56.960
to have a voice in your relationship, if you feel like you don't want

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00:25:56.960 --> 00:26:00.680
to leave your partner at home to
go out one night and do something you

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00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:06.640
want to do, is start with
couples therapy. Right. It is the

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00:26:06.720 --> 00:26:11.279
first intervention for all. You need
a trained, licensed therapist who can help

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00:26:11.319 --> 00:26:17.759
you guys in a safe environment,
discuss your feelings. And one of the

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00:26:17.759 --> 00:26:22.200
things that the therapist is going to
teach you to do is how to set

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00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:29.680
boundaries. Now, boundary setting is
about listening and acknowledging to what the other

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00:26:29.680 --> 00:26:32.640
person's boundaries are. I set a
boundary today. By the way, Kayla,

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00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:33.640
you know what happened, would you
do? Well? When I sat

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00:26:33.640 --> 00:26:37.920
down for that brunch that I made
with the crapes, and I also assotate

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00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:41.039
these mushrooms and onions and garlic to
put in them because they were savory crapes,

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00:26:41.079 --> 00:26:45.279
then we had dessert crapes later.
Anyway, Julio sat down started scooping

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00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:48.920
because the food was just so delicious, and my daughter Jones was there.

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00:26:48.920 --> 00:26:52.359
She started scooping, and I'm still
racing around trying to get the latte's out

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00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:56.000
and a few other things. And
I just turned around and said, excuse

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00:26:56.039 --> 00:27:00.720
me. We're going to have a
rule in this house now when I cook

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00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:04.759
a meal, nobody touches food until
the cook sits. I love that,

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00:27:04.799 --> 00:27:08.599
And he went, oh, okay, sorry, he could actually try to

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00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:11.920
get up to get to help me
with things that needed done in the game.

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00:27:11.160 --> 00:27:15.559
Nope, just sit there and just
wait. That's all that happened.

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00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:18.400
I said, how would you like
if you were tinkering with your motorcycle and

359
00:27:18.440 --> 00:27:22.200
you weren't finished? And I came
and sat on that motorcycle and said let's

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00:27:22.200 --> 00:27:23.960
go for a ride. And you
said, I'm not finished, right,

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00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:29.480
I need to get all the things
the misantla gotta get it all set out.

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00:27:29.680 --> 00:27:30.759
You shouldn't eat by yourself. If
egg you know, if you put

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00:27:30.799 --> 00:27:34.960
it all together for everybody, you
should all eat together. Yeah that's true.

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00:27:36.000 --> 00:27:37.680
So anyway, that's how you set
a boundary. You just say,

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00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:40.599
okay, here's and if you have
people who love you in your house,

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00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:44.799
they respect your boundaries. But if
you're in therapy, the therapist will help

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00:27:44.839 --> 00:27:49.079
you understand each other's boundaries. Now
here's another thing. If your partner won't

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00:27:49.079 --> 00:27:53.839
go to couples therapy, you can
always go to individual counseling because you can

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00:27:53.920 --> 00:27:59.039
change a relationship. Relationships are like
a machine with cogs and wheels, and

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00:27:59.079 --> 00:28:02.160
all you have to do is chain
one little mechanism in the machine and the

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00:28:02.160 --> 00:28:06.480
whole machine can change. So you
can change your reaction to them. You

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00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:11.680
can change your ability to set boundaries. It's okay to go to individual counseling

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00:28:11.079 --> 00:28:17.240
for couples therapy. They'll also teach
you good better communication skills so you can

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00:28:17.279 --> 00:28:19.920
have a voice and talk about who
you are and what you want. And

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00:28:22.440 --> 00:28:26.480
they'll help you explore the family of
origin issues that started all this because this

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00:28:26.519 --> 00:28:32.519
stuff is familiar to you because it
probably started earlier in life for you.

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00:28:33.759 --> 00:28:38.920
And obviously a therapist will give you
very good behavioral interventions changing your behavior because

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00:28:38.920 --> 00:28:41.440
you know what. I want you
to be an individual. I want you

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00:28:41.480 --> 00:28:45.440
to have your hobbies. I want
you to have your friends, and I

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00:28:45.519 --> 00:28:48.119
want you to have a healthy relationship
with your partner. And it's possible to

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00:28:48.119 --> 00:28:53.920
have both. You can't be clung
together because of fear of abandonment. You

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00:28:53.960 --> 00:28:59.319
have to be able to grow as
an individual, even within your relationship.

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00:29:00.960 --> 00:29:03.279
Oh Kayla, here we are again. Two hours went by so quickly.

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00:29:03.599 --> 00:29:07.720
Always does it flies by? I
learned so much. Yeah, listen.

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00:29:07.720 --> 00:29:10.559
If you want to follow me on
social media, the handle everywhere is at

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00:29:10.599 --> 00:29:15.319
doctor Wendy Walsh. Also, I
do a Patreon zoom room every Wednesday at

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00:29:15.319 --> 00:29:18.680
six thirty pm. You can go
to patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh

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00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:22.960
to join that. But I'm always
here for you every Sunday from seven to

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00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:26.599
nine pm. If you miss part
of the show or want to hear of

390
00:29:26.640 --> 00:29:29.799
a past show, just download that
iHeartRadio app. All the shows are up

391
00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:32.880
there, and Kayla will have this
one up there very soon in just a

392
00:29:32.880 --> 00:29:34.640
few minutes. Plus, you can
always listen live. Okay, there enough

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00:29:34.680 --> 00:29:37.160
Doctor Wendy for you wherever you want
it. Thanks for being with me.

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00:29:37.440 --> 00:29:41.880
It is always my pleasure to weigh
in on your love life and share the

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00:29:42.000 --> 00:29:45.680
science of human mating. You've been
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and

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00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:52.480
KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app kf I AM

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00:29:52.519 --> 00:29:53.000
sixty on demand