Others a dragon, time of magic age to fight a band of he will
step bump to the fight, playing with powers they don't understand whole they fucking
are all they save the lads frecher altering and words as the bring out cars,
as a dragon, a dragon, zair powers combine to a group of
fantasy authors take on a statistic games bast Will they survive? I hope not.
I hate these guys others A Dragons, a dragon. Hi. My
name is Joseph Brassi. I played the role of Jorg Garanson, enthusiastic and
violent barbarian. I was an author on the Mongoliad books. My novel Skyfair
and Dragon Road can be found everywhere books are sold, and I am the
other author of such non existent titles as it's a face in my face on
my face. Oh god, hey everyone, My name is Rick WALTERI and
I play Silas Kane, who unmasked last week as a Arrow of the gods,
but nobody believes them so secret identity. Yeah. In real life,
I write several things, but my big news right now is I am pushing
everything towards a direct shop. You know, right off my website you can
go to Rick Gee's tone of deals, where instead of giving link you know,
a chunk of your money to like, you know, to buy Jeff
Bezos another yacht, you can give it all to me instead. How awesome
is that? Because I don't have any yachts, at least not yet.
Hello friends, my name is Robert Pavan. I play the role of Klaus
Richter, the notorious rogue and someone who always suspected Arrow of the Gods of
being Silas Kane. In real life, I write the Coverage Creature series of
comedy fantasy novels and short stories, starting with the first book, Critical Failures.
Go get it, Hi, Nah, my name is Steve Weverll,
and I played Brandon Fiemast, the monk who definitely didn't see Silas Kane,
pretending to be our of the gods he has deliberately forgotten that. In real
life, I write such books as to Doom say a Johnny's, and you
can find them on the Internet. Hey, everybody, I am Drew Hayes,
the Bugbear, Judge of This Shit Court, the dungeon Master of This
Game, an author of books such as Superpowers and PC's and Fred the Vampire
Accountant, the latest of which Postumeers Education is available in ebook, audio,
and print. And when last we left our intrepid adventurers, they oh wait,
wait, what's what's this? Now? This this can't be right.
They had gone back to receive quest completion rewards for something they done. This
is clearly fucking bullshit, but it's what's written down. So I guess we're
just going to have to pretend that somehow y'all did do something competent and got
yourselves a bunch of kick ass weapons and even have secured another source of additional
infantry for your upcoming battle. For those who are keeping tracks so far,
they have one over the Golem and its creations, as well as Judge Hungry,
and however much force he commands, I still feel bad I didn't kill
more of those creations. So we've got one broken Golem and to Judge Hungry,
I think that's probably all we need. And Promegtheus and Prometheus and the
egg Child. I mean, if you can mentally enslave even Abolith, you
know that's not bringing nothing to a fight. It's pretty cool handy considering off,
I'll say, indeed. Um, So basically, Judge Hungary has dismissed
you all to wander through, um Landports, restock where you are able.
Things are a bit more pressed since you were here, since the attacks have
kept up Caldern able to Caldern, that's right. Landport was the last one.
Um, so Caldern. And again things are thinner, but you can
still find some things. Um, you know past common you just have to
roll for them. And y'all stocked up on potions, etc. So uh,
you have basically the rest of the day to prepare, be it through
shopping, prayer, working on I don't know spells, whatever your individual class
requirements might be. Um, you have have a game session before a big
ass fight. Do with that information what you see fit. We are going
to go ahead and roll into initiative though, um, just so we can
track everybody and it's not a scramble Silas Rolls of twelve Brandon Fimester roles A
twelve. You are rules are nine Class director rules of sixteen? All right,
And for some reason the turn order thing captured absolutely none of that.
No, it just it just refreshed. Yeah, we got here. I
clicked on my icon. I believe Joe, We're going. It was just
showing me a blank screen. Maybe That's just what happens when we will remember
to click on our icon. Yeah, even this thing was like, wait
a minute, what the fuck is going on? Quest completion icon clicking?
This is not the podcast I signed up for. It took us seven and
a half years. And as you all step outside and begin the shopping that
you did last session, we'll say you all kind of wandered through the market
to knock that part out, and a bucket falls from the sky, crashing
on Defendingo's head. He was definitely on his way to a horse horse horse,
but probably just as well. Honestly, Caldern is probably better off for
the bucket. Um, all right, Klaus, you are up first an
initiative, so you can, you know, make your your preparations and journey
first all just looking at the courtroom, because you know that's what it is
I've got. I actually, do you still have the map for calder I
have a weapon that I was gifted. I'm not gonna do any better than
that. I don't worry about that. That's fantastic weapon. Uh. I
have plus one stud of the other armor. Probably not doing better than that,
correct, Uh. Yeah. For context of the scale of D and
D since we did kind of change over systems. UM. A plus one
is sort of your UM that's attainable, that that you have to have the
gold and maybe the connections for it, but that that's doable. A plus
two is a lot rarer, like truly very very difficult to find. You
would maybe be able to purchase it in like a really high end UM city
with like lots of money flowing through it. UM plus threes are basically considered
legendary from the way they're labeled. Literally, they're labeled as legendary UM.
So anything of that caliber is basically either handed down or churned up by aboliths.
UM. You know, it's the it's the completion for seven and a
half years of questing. All right, Well, hopefully that's apple. It's
not wearing this UM. Let's see, I've got I got twenty twenty water
skins full of wine. I have both elf and gnome porn. All right,
if there's a nearby temple, I have one hundred and twenty three teeth,
I'd like to try to get them enchanted. There is certainly a temple
in a say the size of Caldern that I do feel would absolutely still be
true. And especially in dire times, because I mean not to get you
know, too metaphysical on it, but divine magic is provably real in their
world. So like, that's not shit you neglect. I am. I
appreciate a coolback, but I am deadly curious as to how this is a
kind of player. Yeah, so we will say you can. You will
spend your turn looking around, and you will find a temple. That'll be
your first turn as you locate a temple. It's not dedicated to any particular
god. It's just sort of a you know, this is a port,
it's a sailing town. Come here and pray to whoever you want. Yeah,
the Horrors temple. Okay, Brandon time master. Oh I'm gonna revisit.
I believe it was a half gentleman in a stall um and have my
broom of doom rebristled. All right. Broom bristles, I think are a
fairly common component. I don't see any reason you would have issues getting that
excellent say one gold, just because I'm lazy and don't feel like calculating the
cost of bristles. So they're they're a gold, but they're really nice.
I will make small talk with this with this stall. Keep it see if
he remembers me him. Get a lot of nudists around here, that's surprising,
Actually not really oceans right there? Any newtists? Uh? With brooms?
Uh? You know what, let's find out ten perc sent chance feels
around right for that range. The janitor is a nudist. Pick pick your
range, buddy. Uh, let's go for What did you say to the
chances of ten percent percent? Tennis? Keep it simple? Thirty three?
All right? No, no brooms. Two mops in a weirdo with a
dustbin, but no brooms. Well at least there keeping things clean and humble.
Anyway, Nice to see you again, random store keeper from many years
ago. Thank you for the broom. It served me well my pleasure.
Come back anytime. Nudist, I'd know that hard to see, but I
am wearing shots. I try not to look past the waist. That's well,
that's very sensible. Keeps things polite. You know, I haven't picked
up much wisdom on much travels. In fact, you could say I've probably
picked up the opposite of wisdom. Maybe I don't know. You seem like
a pretty wise guy. What's the light beliness? Storekeeper peaceful, easy going.
Is that when monster's attack, of course, then it's terrified. Huh,
I guess it's not that much different from why I'm doing. They never
have exact change. She just runs the everything's one gold store to keep it
easy. Well, I guess I'll see you. I mean, maybe not.
But the good news is if I don't come back, we're probably all
going to die anyway. But bye, all right, you wander off and
hear him mumble the third person this week to say that world's bigger than just
y'all man, all right, Silas Kane, what horrors will you one leash?
Well? Actually, and that's just might seem a little out of character,
But Sila has been thinking a lot about the upcoming and potential end of
the world and his inability to say as God's name. So, uh,
I'm going to try to seek out a shrine of torreg in U in Caldern's
Uh. I want to see if I can do something about that. I've
come to kind of like, you know, a bit of insight with regards
to what needs to be done. So I'd like to find another priest in
my order and us see what they what they have to say about it.
All right, you can head to the general temple um that class found.
It'll also take you your turn to locate that shit. Don't do that.
Uh yeah, So Claus, you find the temple and then in the in
the distance, you hear the clang of Sila's cane approaching. Uh Bjorg Bjornson,
Oh wow. Um, you know, I don't know if I don't
think that he has any more shopping to do. And Georg's, let's face
it, not super freaking religious. So I think he's gonna go find a
garden somewhere, the prettiest garden he can find, and seek out just a
little bit of peace to kind of gather his thoughts before he goes all rage
monster in the final battle. All right, and Gordon Skinflints will disappear.
He one of you can, I don't know, y'all can spot him occasionally
running three card monte a shell game, just very clearly trying to scrape some
cash together. You very much assume we're looking for him. Yeah, you
glimpse him in the background. Whether you care or not, it's entirely up
to you. All Right, Klaus, we come back around to you,
sir. All Right, I found the temple. Yes, all right,
I'll walk to the nearest person that looks like he belongs there and say,
sir, can you enchant these teeth? Cat can? I? Well,
cat can is a is an interesting question. What what sort of enchantment were
you looking for to start with? And where did you get these teeth?
Yeah? Listen, you want to be careful how you talk to me.
I am the last line of defense and saving the world. So you know,
whatever you can do to these teeth to help me? Do that?
You know? Yeah, do that, sir. I could throw them in
the garbage, I could bury them. Does not help me? Well,
all right, maybe I haven't made myself clear the you know the world is
going to end? Yes, yes, I've got to fight with are these
teeth? So make them better? I want to if I throw them at
somebody, I want them to turn to the stone. Can you do that?
Ah? No, that's uh, that's very much a wizard kind of
thing. I can do this. And he holds out a hand very much
not touching the teeth. I want to explicit clear about this. All right,
Wellion holds out a hand and uh and one of the uh, one
of the teeth begins to glow. Whoa, all right, what does that
do? It makes it glow. That's a little bit helpful. I mean
yeah, more helpful than you know, just ordinary teeth. But now exactly
what I was looking for. Claus. You can actually roll me a knowledge
arcana if you have it, or just straight up intelligence check you are a
so I think you might actually have it. Oh maybe I do. All
right, I'm gonna roll it, roll intelligence to see if you remember that
you're a wizard. Oh you have no fucking idea how he did this?
Man, this is who? This is a magic baby? All right?
Oh, thank you sir. Uh shoot your effort. I'm gonna go look
for a wizard because yeah, this is stupid. Thanks for nothing, asshole.
You really turned on him. At the end of the day, Brandon
Flymaster, Brandon Flymaster is going to take a walk through the crowd and let's
have a look around to see what we can see. Um, he's just
going to enjoy being among people for a little while. All right, Um,
you can actually roll my perception. We'll see how much you see.
Okay, coming up exception at twenty one. Who all right, you can
walk through the markets of Caltern. You can see people still buzzing about.
It is still a port city even when things are a little bit more strapped.
Um, definitely notice people are kind of holding themselves a little closer.
More people are armed. It's just generally a tensor vibe. But it is
still a fairly upbeat and halfy place. Lots of smiling people. It doesn't
look like food rations have gotten too bad or anything yet, so you know,
not nothing too dire. You see plenty of people in armor watching the
water nervously, several men unloading a ship. You of course take note of
their excellent form because you know, physical work. Um, yeah, it's
it's a port city in the day. Yeah, I'm gonna help it.
I shift some boxes. See if they mind. Uh no, they will
not say no to free labor. That that one is true in universal D
and D and our world. Um, all right, you can you can
begin helping them with the boxes. I will. I will just uh experience
that for a little while. All right, Uh silas Kane, all right
in the temple, I'll like you know, I'll walk through like you know,
kind of pointing towards the my my holy symbols. I can't say,
toreg be like you know, just asking around, be like, I see
I seek a priest of my order for guidance. They'll definitely have an area
for Torec. I don't know if they would have a dedicated priest. I
feel like, I guess we'll roll for that and and act like it'll do
it. Uh, we'll give you. We'll give you a thirty percent chance.
So I'm doing a D one hundred pick a range of thirty three thirty
three. Okay, I guess I should actually just do a D three.
That would be the easier way to do it. Huh, all right,
I'm doing a D three pick a number one three. All right, there
is not a priest of tourag. But here, let's see, that doesn't
mean there's no one with any toura acknowledge. There's a second. We'll give
you a fifty percent chance on this one. Do you want higher? Low
ninety seven? Okay, So there is not a dedicated priest of torreg But
after lots of pointing and asking around, um, you do get directed around
to one of the arch priests who has studied multiple disciplines for multiple gods um
as part of like a grand united divination theory and torreg is a subject that
he has researched at length, so he is knowledgeable about toag If not a
dedicated priest, well approach and be like, maybe maybe we have May I
have a word your your eminence of course? Oh who see guys, Oh
welcome. First I'm gonna pull out a big bag of gold um with eleven
thousand gold pieces and say, first I would like to make a donation.
Church always appreciates your general whoa, whoa, whoah, your generosity. That
should that should buy his attention for a few minutes. So I'll start when
telling my tale, be like, well, I've been for a long time
now I thought I was cursed by my God. He sent an avatar to
me and to rerube my ability to speak the Great God's name. But lately
I've been thinking about that and I realized it wasn't a curse, it was
a sign. It was a blessing. And I think I know what to
do. Now. All right, we're gonna cliffhanger that one and go over
to b Org Star. I'm very curious you what this is gonna lead them?
All right? Umorg, you have spent your last turn finding a garden
area which you do. This is a big enough city that they would definitely
have some dedicated public space for that. So yeah, you can find a
good area with lots of flowers to kind of sit down and sender yourself.
You You sort of feel that your blade is a little more at peace here
too. Yes, that's just good. Um, there's no mechanic for this,
but I think Georg is going to commune with his ancestors. Yeah,
go for it. Man. Is that like a class thing or it's not
class thing at all. He's just kind of no worries. If he had
some incense, he'd light it, but you know, he ain't got any
flowers or the incense. Man, slowly weave some flowers into a crown and
center himself and think about how far he's come and how you know what,
if he's gonna die, there are worse ways to do it, all right,
Gordon will continue his series of scams and hustles throughout the city. I
love the idea that because Gordon, like all of this is happening at a
relatively accelerated pace, which means Gordon is literally lightning blasting from scam to scamp.
He's just he's just speed running crime. I just gotta get aid that
he is part monk. He does have an hand speed. He's running simultaneous
scams. He's aign fucking mocking the crowd. Flurry of schemes, flurry of
escapes, ultimate rogue, monk hybrid. That's something to think about. All
right. Um, So while he'sips around like a cartoon character, Klaus,
we are back to you, all right, Klaus has an idea. Instead
of searching for a wizard, Klaus will search for a dentist. Okay,
I always want to class. This problem was he didn't have enough spatty.
Well, now I've got to make a really interesting world decision on the fly
or whatever passes for a dentist. I have, Like I said, I
have twenty wineskins. There's not a dedicated dentist. Um someone with there is
a dedicated Like it's just a fucking dwarf. He's like, I can knock
your fucking defout. Yeah, I'm wondering, like how deep to go?
Yeah, there's got to be some medical science because magic isn't super around.
So there is a medicinal clinic you can go to. It's not there's not
enough medical science to specialize out but anything that's injury based, you would go
to them. So you can find the clinic. That's fine. That's why
what I will do. Okay, you will look around and you can find
a clinic without too much trouble. It's made to be easily find both for
obvious reasons. Are we still going? Oh all right, let you run
get in there a little bit. I want to ask whoever I can.
I would like you to replace one of my teeth with this, and I
will produce the globe and tooth like. What I'm thinking is I can keep
my mouth closed and when when they're dark, I can surprise smile. Light
sharpshooter, There you go. This is the teeth, you cow of a
disgusting monster. I don't I don't remember where I got this teeth. I
mean, I'm pretty sure it's just a mishmashed bag of teeth. At this
point, he's he's taking a long various teeth. It's a grab bag.
It's a surprise part of the teeth, big bag of smiles. Yeah that
The clerk go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, we can do that.
We can do that. What are you what are you looking for?
You are you want the you want the sheet. You want this person sounds
like this happens all the time. You're in a port man, I felt
clever. You want the good or you want the great? Uh, give
me the great. I got somebody to burn. Honestly, that is the
right call because the first two do not come with anesthetic magic. Awesome I
have I do have like twenty jugs of anesthetic magic. That will be five
gold for the great. Five gold to say five go all right, all
right, you pay five gold for scale. That is a shitload of money.
It gets lost in the D and D shuffle. But like y'all burn
through so much wealth as adventurers. So yeah, five gold for a pretty
simple procedure. They take you into a room and that's where we'll cut off
for you. Brandon simemaster, Brandon will he's got a bag of seventy five
Plantum, he'll chuck it to the nearest duck backet. They thanks, guys,
and wonder Uh yeah, we'll say. You feel refreshed after the good
old physical labor. It's not training, but it did give you an opportunity
to lift everything's flex Those muscles bring you back in tune with the core of
your discipline. Working out, and I would like to while i'mbited dock,
see if I can find a quiet place to try and commune with Brandick.
All right, you can go out to the donk, and it takes you
a little time, but you can't eventually reach him. It's a little bit
fuzzy because of the distance he has to stay out. Hey, buddy,
staying out of trouble. I have eaten several monsters. They are delicious.
You're so cute. Hey, I wanted to ask you, do you remember
much about when you were an egg? No, particularly though your voice and
the loud ones did break through. They certainly were many loud ones. I
don't know. Man, we left you on a boat quite a lot.
I mean, we had ship going on. But I just want to say
that it was nice having you around as a little a thank you, and
do not feel bad for the moments of abandonment. Many would have cast me
aside or left me in that place at the slightest suspicion of my nature.
I am very grateful to you all. Yeah, I'm glad. Yeah,
I've been doing some thinking lately. You know, I've always been pretty certain
that I can never die, because you know, I'm ye, as you
probably know, I seek to become one with the universe, and us become
perfect as an entity can be. Well, I always for the universe would
be greatly diminished by my presence sort of not being there, so I always
just assumed that that would never happen. I just I don't know, Man,
I had this guy I really looked up to, and it turns out
he might not exist, and that's it's kind of unbalanced me. And now
I'm I don't know. Maybe I can die. God, if the champion
you believed it turned out to be false, then you must simply become that
champion instead. You know what, I think You've got a point, man,
Good talk. I'll see you on a boat, all right. We've
all been waiting for it. Silas Game. The Silas launched in his stories
like like I always thought, my like you know, my, my my
place in this life. My mission was to spread the faith of the Greek
God. Of the Greek God to excuse me. In fact, I screamed
his name with every breath to anyone who would listen, and he sent an
avatar to still my tongue. And for the longest time I was upset by
this. But now I realized I was unworthy to speak his name. But
I also realized something else. No one is worthy to speak his name.
So I realize what he has like, you know, the mission he has
given me. I finally figured it out. From here on in my life's
goal will be to not only spread the word of his faith, but to
remind those to remind mere mortals that they are unworthy of speaking his name.
And thus I shall cut out the tongues of nonbelievers everywhere, and true believers
as well. Yeah, probably most of the true believers. Yeah. So
what do you think of this idea? You are one of those gentlemen on
the deadly abolith mission tomorrow? Correct? Correct? True? I will pray
for the outcome of your life, my boy. I can promise that I
shall pray to the gods and speak about the length of your life. Yeah,
excellent, And in return I shall I shall say, speak no more
of the Greek God's name. Otherwise you may wake up one night and I
will be there with a knife spread the word. And this is how Silence
became the arch villain of the setting became game. Have you been watching Silence?
Having unburdened himself. Silence will walk out, But keep an eye and
ear open for anybody who's uh, who's speaking, who's profaning? You know
Torreg's name by speaking it, all all right. Anyone who is outside can
catch sight of Gordon dashing by in multiple costumes, sometimes from conflicting directions.
In fact, I don't want to say full on Scooby doo doors, but
not far off. He's got into such a well wood of scam. He's
playing free card Monty with himself. All right, Klaus, you are going
to spend your round getting surgery done awesome, all right, and when the
round is over you will have a tooth that is currently glowing. All right,
Brandon thigh Master, you are at the docks. Well, it was
some time to kill. Brandon's going to go and find any sort of town
square or place of gathering, find the highest point he can, some kind
of convenient plint and just relax by striking a pose for a bit. All
you can climb up onto one of the buildings. In Caldern. You are
able to literally walk up the sides of buildings, so there's not much point
in rolling for it. Just casually strolling up the sides of a building.
I do imagine that sometimes it's like, I know it's technically because you're moving
so fast, but it's hard not to picture just like a walk, a
casual stroll. His toes are so muscular he can just grip in between the
bricks. It's fine, as long as I don't stop. As long as
nobody thinks about this, it's fine. That would be the fun. Next
level of the monk climbing is like the wily coyote air stomach is unlock,
the Looney Tunes level. You can run on air, so long as you
don't look down, look down, no matter what that fucking bud tells you.
All right, Uh, okay, yeah, I will guess. I
will roll a performance shatless oiled, so with advantage, I believe. Is
it courage my role natural twenty? Okay, you hear some clapping from the
people in the market, and go and roll my perception perception natural one.
All right, you don't hear anyone comments about where you rank among the nudists
that have done similar feats. Probably just as well. All right, Silas
you have threatened an archpriest, declared your intent to cut out tongues, what's
next? I guess I'll I'll walk through the town and see if there's anybody
who looks who looks distraught and in need of comforting, because that's what paladins
do. Yeah, you do see what appears to be a noble woman in
fine dress crying over a broken locket, but upon closer inspection, that's Gordon.
So you're not sure what that's about. But that's just probably not your
problem, not at all. Um. Yeah, I have a descripture earlier
and everything was peaceful, so currently everything is peaceful, all right, the
nice little piece y'all are fighting to protect. Eventually, then I'll wander over
to the poor sections, because poor people are always destruct and in need of
guidance. Silas just really wants to cut out someone's tongue and get arrested before
this. Yeah, you're not wrong, um, Silence roll me a perception
check. Excellent, Silence rolls the seven. It appears as if the poor
section has become deserted. Yorg, all right, communing with the ancestors.
That's right, you're communing with your ancestors. And Gordon has finished his locket
scam and is currently trying to sell musical instruments to a struggling academy, feel
that while he was in Goblin form, we had so many unresolved. Plus
is just going through the entire plot of the Music Man while we're oh yeah,
among others, there's an entire Broadway series of Broadway shows happening in the
background, one of which he's producing to fake a loss. All right,
class, all right, I awake. Yes, you have finished up your
surgery. You got the great one. So it was quick, painless and
easy. Is my tooth clowing? Your tooth continues to glow? All right.
I guess we have a mission to get on. But while we have
some shore leave, I guess I'll go visit a wizard. And so if
there anything can be done with the other one hundred two, you can look
around and find a shop that sells magic items that does have a wizard working
there. All right, Uh, what can you do with these teeth?
Oh? Oh god? Uh? Consecration for the crime that's been committed?
Are you a priest? I've already done this. Look at this, I
give him. I give him a big grin. I have scroll for it.
I mean, I didn't know why I would need it, but this
feels like the day once with the morals, buddy, I already told to
a priest, I give him a big shiny smiley ha ha I, I
guess, uh all right, oh yeah that's nice. Um, maybe how
how many teeth do you want? Two plus the ones? Hang on?
I actually you have to look something. Each one could do a different thing
that would be awesome, like well, the ones in my mouth, and
then other ones that like e one, No I would ever have to go.
I could uh yeah, I said to the priest. I said,
you could throw it at somebody and turn a stone. I said, go
see this wizard guy. He said, go see you and you could do
that? All right, one more time. Those were his exact words.
How many how many teeth do you have? Two plus the ones in my
mouth? Okay? Um? So the the shopkeeper will kind of look them
over and be like, yeah, I uh, I can't really do any
of that. That that's like fancy wizard stuff. I'm I'm like the kind
of wizard who runs a shop man. That's not I'm not out there kicking
ass. I'm just trying to get by. But I deal with a lot
of weird scrolls that come through, and I do actually have one that might
be able to use these materials and get the fuck out of my shop?
What do you got for me? Uh? So he will tell you that
he can use a scroll of bone forging to create a tooth. Goal on
how much is that? It's not cheap? It cost five thousand golds all
right? Uh he will take the collection of teeth from you and we will
begin the actual magic next turn. Because I also have to try and figure
out how big this thing is going to be. I don't know, maybe
link eight in just all well, it's like, what what do I what
do you dimension my looking for? I guess am I looking for like the
square foot of a tooth? Are you asking me? I don't. I
don't anybody who's matthey make like a lego man out of teeth. I had
to look up how much a tooth weighed and run the calculations to see if
that would be enough to constitute a golem. I feel like a two hundred
and thirty pound golam is enough. That's yeah, all right, all right,
I'm just gonna be freelancing on the sides. All right, We're gonna
go with whatever feels right. Um, but we'll get to that none of
this feels right? Yeah, absolutely, probably not the words I should have
used. Brandon, it's your turn, Please God cleanse the talent. Oh
well that was uh, that was refreshing. Flexing and stretching and being too
worried about who's actually looking for a change. So Brandon will use his vantage
point to look for his compatriots. See who can who he can see?
Um outside, currently, Klaus is doing teeth stuff. Silas is looking for
trouble of endingho has a bucket. Bjorg is over in a garden. So
you can see Silas and Gordon. Not great options. I'm not ready to
talk to Silence yet. I will wander around see if I can find the
others. Um, okay, roll me a excuse me, roll me a
D four You don't want a one D four four? All right, you
find Bjorg. He is sitting peacefully in a patch of flowers in the city
garden. Up here's to be deep in meditation. Let's say, hey,
man seeking in a piece I want. How's that working out for you,
buddy? Well, I have thought about my ancestors, mused and ruminated upon
all of the travels I have had since I have You've gone this journey from
my homeland in the North, and I have come to the conclusion that if
this upcoming battle is one in which I should perish, there are far worse
ways to die. You know. It's a sound way of looking at it.
I was kind of I don't know. I was always sort of thinking
it's about being the best he can be, you know. But I had
a little chat with brand Dagg, and I'm starting to think that maybe it's
I don't know, maybe it's about surrounding yourself for the best people. And
I only got you, guys, but I thought I got some gold left
you fancy again to drink? That sounds delightful, honestly cool. Let's round
up the idiots, see what you're up to. I think, well as
y'all. Y'all can walk out and easily find silence. K Hey, silas,
I've decided to forgive you for crushing my fucking dreams. You want to
get a drink? Um? I mean, I guess I could use some
uh, some dishwater. Yeah, I can stand here around a dishwater and
maybe maybe there's maybe there's people. The people at the bar in need of
having their tongues removed almost certainly. On second thought, perhaps it's very good
that we maintained watch over this man. Yeah, kind again that he kind
of feels like he's your albat ross. Now, uh, geor did you
want to do anything besides uh go to the bar? Now they're gonna go
with all right. Um, Gordon will finish up his hustles and arrive in
the bar next to y'all. Uh, sweating, panting, but holding a
new item. Uh. He got his own weapon through lots of chicanery,
keeping yourself busy. I had so much time to make up for Oh man,
if we live through this, I'm gonna steal everything that's not nailed down
in the next town. Yes, A good at you. You can't make
the best of the time you have or the worst, I suppose, all
right. Uh and Klaus, all right, this may seem a little meta
gamy, but yeah, Brandon and Jorgan silence of all kind of seek to
better themselves, and I feel bad that I'm not doing the same thing.
So I'd like to go. Are you talking about you got the two?
Well, you're getting a tooth goal in this round? All right? Yeah?
Well, oh, after that happens, I'd like to go visit that
pretty star, I call it an asshole and apologize. All right. Uh,
so we're gonna say that the clerk is gonna work on your tooth golm
for a little while. It'll it'll take some time to convince the gods to
let this exist, basically, so you'll you'll get tooth golm before you head
out. But you can go to the priest and make your apologies, all
right, and well, all right, so what does he say? So
listen, man, I'm sorry I was a little short tempered. Look at
what I did, though, I smile at him. Huh, very lovely,
very love all right, It is all right, my son. In
dire times, we all find our patients truth. All right. Good now
that now that I've got them where I want them, I'll pull out my
dick. Can't you do that to this? And Claus is banned from the
top officially got sex crime. It's not a sex crime. It's not not
a sex crime. Sufficient gray area to have you been from the temple?
Yeah, I feel like pulling your dick out. I'll get you toss in
pretty most place. Uh you do hear someone mutter damn nudists again? Because
that's a no, all right. Well, yes, blowing Dick would have
awesome. But yeah, that's fine, all right, class you have anything
else you wanted to do? Uh? No, man, the tooth golum
was more than I expected. Mcclow and Dick would have been gravy. But
I'm fine, all right. I will assume you wander your way to the
bar, because well it's been seven and a half years, we know this
character. Uh. You guys can toast and drink to your potential last night
together. Um, you all have a good evening. You turn in.
When you turn in, that's up to you individually. Wants what's everyone's toast?
I'm not really toasting. I'm kind of I'm paying attention to what everybody's
saying, seeing if anybody's blaspheming, because I don't know if it dag around
me. But I do have a long sword in a miner's pick. So
wow, that's a toast. Everyone drink? There you go, Um,
Before you head out, a crate is delivered to the ship for Klaus with
a note that the item he requested has been completed and there is a magical
seal on the box to ensure it cannot be opened until you are out to
see. Um, yeah, that this was put in place by the coltern
overseers of the market, and he does agree with them. God, what
have we created a tooth goal? Yeah, it's exactly as horrible as you
think. I'll see if I can find some art before next time. But
yeah, y'all set out to see. You are joined by a couple of
ships from Caldern lead with Judge Hungry at the prow. You all begin following
the giant monster with a top hat toward the Abolis Layer, where the final
battle of the Chronicles of Calamity will begin. Next time on Authors and Dragons,
Do I get to cut out anybody's tongue on the trip? Not so
far, but we'll We still have a few more games, all right,
But as you know, we are not done. We carefully collect corral and
cultivate your questions as we are doing the game, but both on Facebook and
on our discord, which is associated to our patreonatre dot com slash Authors and
Dragons if you want to join and hang out. It's a fun community,
would do lots of cool shit. And on top of that, I was
vamping so Rick could find us. Our first question Rick laid on me.
He oddly enough. Our first question is an easy one. What was your
favorite part of Shingles the movie? Now we'll look for pre order from authors
and dragons dot com. That last part wasn't part of the question. That
was just me adding it. It would have been a very considerate question had
they added that. Yeah, that would have been nice. I'm sure we
all have our own individual parts. But speaking from having been on the commentary,
Buick Buick. If there's a team answer, I think it's Buick.
She She killed that part so well freally yeah, really embodied it well.
I would say one of my favorite parts was an idea I had for Gore
gag ages Ago, and I didn't think they'd give it much credence, but
I will just say it. There's a scene with a gnome and a power
drill that was it just looks really fucking cool. Oh it's my idea,
but it's not. It's all cod I wrote. Yeah, great, Yeah,
I wrote this, this happens with a gnome that would be funny,
but the magic of Cody made it look as awesome as I dreamed, And
I think it's a real standout horror movie effect. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah
yeah. Um to shout out a favorite part from my particular story, I
loved the interplay of Peeb Smooth and Um stephen Zinski as the two co leads
on that when that was very funny. I thought they were great. They
were fun anytime Buick Buick sings a song which apparently she made up on set,
Um, they're just funny. Fuck. Yeah that was that was gonna
be mine, Like, I feel like this is an actress who really understands
what I'm doing here, and I'm grooving upon it, and that is not
that is not a compliment. I give out lightly a step above absolutely.
Our friend Queen Crush asks the all important question dragons or dinosaurs. Dragons dinosaurs
can't cast magic dragons? Uh, dinosaurs because they can't cast magic. Shit,
man, I think I just thought of her an ex fantasy series dinosaurs,
but they can cast magic. Terra Dactylsaurus. Motherfucked. I'll say dinosaurs
as long as they're not at dinosaur Land. Those what dinosaur wizards look like,
raike. I so want, like if I ever become a billionaire,
to the point of a night at the Museum movie set in that dinosaur relate
shit he was coming to you want to see that mammoth kill somebody, You
need to kill us ricol Her existence, Man, it's just spent the entire
night just doing meth. Another not for meth. Mammoth just starts chasing people
around and demanding to know if they have meth, just sniffing them big with
that trump, I smell it on you. Oh god, Okay, if
any of us become billionaires, we have to promise. Yeah, I solemnly
swear it would be morally remissive me not to absolutely that's the way you waste
a billion dollars. Not even that's that's why you want to be a billionaire,
because you only have to waste like, yeah, twenty thousand on that.
Yeah, I mean, how much do you think those things cost?
Oh? Oh, I know, but imagine if you did put like two
hundred million intel. You're doing it wrong in James Cameron's style. I'm making
intricate free D models of those things. It's all Imax three D. Motherfucker.
And if I'm a billionaire, I can actually afford to fucking pay my
animates. Oh god, novel? Yeah, no life of pipe bullshit here.
It would be the worst movie you ever made, but everybody who worked
on it would remember it fundly. It would be like, yeah, we
had a special effects studio that didn't go bankrupt immediately after finishing the project.
It's the weirdest day. We made horrors, absolute horrors, but we got
paid. When I die, I will have to answer to God for what
I have done, and I'm just going to show him the check. Five
Knights at dinosaur Land. There's what's the I can't remember the movie that Michael
Kane is in that's famously terrible, Jaws the Revenge I think it is.
It's Jaws the Revenge And there's an interview where someone asks him have you ever
seen it? And he says no, but I have seen the beach house
that the paycheck bought me, and it was lovely, hoastly respect. If
anybody deserves that, it's Michael Kane. Yeah, Michael Caine deserves a beach
house. I forgot what the question was in the fantasy Yeah, Michael Kane
and dinosaur Land there was still dragons or dinosaurs. Oh wow, wow,
we really this one? No, I think we answered that the industrial light
and magic dinosaurs. Yeah, the answer is Michael Kane all right. So,
our friend Kyle the Goof asks I'm facing some fair big life decisions right
now, is I shop for a new car but in a fresh job and
contemplate moving. What are the biggest decisions you've made in your lives? Probably
the biggest and best one I made was, which is ironically one everyone says
not to do, is I got married at twenty two. But it's worked
out pretty great. I think I've talked about this a little bit, but
professionally speaking, I took the jump into being a full time writer way before
I should have. Just looking back, it is callingley stupid, but it
was somehow the right call because the books I wrote then helped me keep things
going with momentum that I really needed to kind of push off and sustain.
And so it's it's a weird. It's a weird one to think about,
but it was both logistically a really dangerous, stupid decision, but somehow the
right one. I don't make decisions. I just let things happen and then
uh complain about it. I went to Korea. Uh that was yeah.
For someone with no direction at the time, that seemed like an okay choice,
and uh yeah, it worked out. For me. I mean sometimes
the biggest decisions come from the smallest things. That liked a snowball, and
I mean ultimately it came when mine came down to one year. I had
no idea what to get my way from for her birthday. And I went
up in like you know, in that at my job in your office with
a VP who's telling me who just would not shut up about It's like,
oh yeah, I put this thing called that kindle and it's like awesome and
like you know stuff, and I was just like, okay, that's After
a few minutes, I was like, all right, I think I got
a gift for gift for her. And honestly, if I hadn't, if
I hadn't bought that, there would be no build the Vampire, no Hybrid
of High Moon, none of that stuff. My Jude probably still be hearing
a steady paycheck. But to take that as you will, Yeah, the
small decisions are are weird to think about, like in hindsight, Like I
talked about the big moment, but the small moment was I got an office
job where I was bored a ship a lot of the time, and got
into web cereals and decided to try to write one, and that was my
tipping point. The gateway into my career was basically choosing to go to a
sword class after hearing a guy who was teaching them on a forum. I
went for an hour, and that that sword class turned into the going to
the other school that basically had a number of writers in it. That basically
kicked off my actual career. So if I hadn't gone to that random sword
class because I saw someone posting about teaching on a web forum, I don't
know where my career would be right now. All right, we have one
more. It's kind of a combination of two, but it's pretty much kind
of the same question. So our friend's Earth Skater and Zack of All Trades
asks, do any of your characters have guilty pleasures you didn't get to rite
about? Or head cannon that hasn't made it into the game. Our characters
guilty pleasures are all over the pages. God help us. If Klaus has
a thing he wants to keep hidden, I think Borg's part elections are pretty
clearly out there. I don't think he hasn't. I think pretty much Borg
is what you see is what you get. Very much the case of Brandon
also, but don't think he believes in guilt. Yeah, like Silas spent
the first twenty years of his life just having to Eric literally beaten into him,
like you know, as far as he's concerned, Like you know,
the concept of guilty pleasures are a sin. I would say the concept of
pleasures probably no pleasure, just guilt. I think I got to see one
of Gordon's guilty pleasure slash head cannon things, now that he's freed from his
goblin thing is he loves to scare. He did have to get in trouble
in the first place, so makes sense. We can assume that Fendingo's guilty
pleasure is being in the bucket. Oh god, he liked it all along,
did we? Rick? Was that the last from the Facebook or from
the discord? From the discord? Okay, all right, why don't we
head on over to the Facebook and see what folks are wondering about. I
think we've still got time for a couple more. All right, let's see
here. Our friend Jaman asks, April Fools is almost here. What's your
favorite prank you've ever pulled? Oh god, is there such a fucking thing
as a good prank? Yeah, those have gotten less funny as I've gotten
older. I'll be honest. Yeah, yeah, all right, surprise unless
the prank is like surprised paying someone's electricity bill, that's a great prank.
Do that prank all day. I mean my I agree most pranks tradiction,
but I had I had a bit of fun one time, and I think
I've told this story growing up. My Like my uncle used to like,
you know, tell me that, like, you know, he had all
sorts of things. He had like wolves in his backyard. He had a
shark, like you know, in like a hidden bathroom in a bathtub or
so, and I believe all this stuff. But I was like, growing
up, I always thought this was great, like you know these stories.
So my oldest I convinced her and her friends. I was like, I
told him one time. I was like, we have a we have a
I keep a pack of wolves underneath the backyard deck, you know. And
the kids are like, well, show me, and I was like,
a whole I can't. They're asleep right now. It's during the middle of
the day. You're like, But I was like, I'll tell you what,
why don't you go and play and I'll see if I can wake him
up. So they went and played and I got out, like you know,
I got out some red food coloring and I poured it all over my
hand and I started yelling and they came out, and I was like,
I tried to wake him up, but see what happened. And the thing
was, you could see in their face that they didn't buy it for a
second. There was but there were young, so there was just enough disbelief
there for like the eyes to open wide and be like, should we go
check this, sir? I think I've told this one before. My dad,
during Halloween one year, got a mannequin and a coffin and like dressed
it up in a big Dracula suit with a latex mask and everything for like
a month leading up to Halloween. So you know, everybody just got very
used to the mannequin that was there, no big deal, etc. So
when Halloween actually arrived, he went out early before people were like off of
school and everything, took the mannequin in, put the costume and latex mask
on himself, and then took his position in the coffin so that he could
jump out and like scare our neighbors and stuff. Who were just like walking
past it without a second thought. Nice. Yeah, that's fantastic. I've
told my family about that story. I don't know why you guys are so
down on pranks, uh, I mean I am, because I haven't done
any good ones. I was talking about this the other day to my sister.
I'd forgotten about it until she mentioned it. But when she was about
she would have been about thirteen and I was about fifteen, and she had
a slumber pie and she had a load of mates over for a birthday.
We worked out this plan that they would start telling each other scary stories,
and that she would tell a particular scary story with a trigger phrase. And
I had this big navy coat and for Dora, and the trigger phrase was
said, and I basically just kicked down the door of a butcher knife.
Okay, I was fucking It worked perfectly. There was screams, there were
tears. It was christ It was just absolutely a case of to the right
idea, the right time, the right atmosphere, the right look, perfect
timing. Ah. I mean, I don't know that would There'll probably be
some complaints these days. If I friend people's children from the fucking s JW's
back then it was I don't know, it was just a good time.
Oh man, that's dependous prank. I probably pulled better pranks. But the
only one that I can remember is or when I was so a late teenager.
It was when payed the pump gas stations started to be more common.
Use your credit card there at the pump, and uh yeah, my sister
didn't know about it. So here's my credit card. I fell up the
tank and I I said, should we just go? No, I don't
think you should do that, honestly full when he first thoughted, tell I
get I thought I was, I would stole a bunch of ships. Is
that you take someone some money? Oh? Oh no, I don't have
a ton of funny banks in my own back start. There's one in my
family likes to talk about sometimes. My dad's great uncle I think was a
moonshiner um and he he had I don't think he was like a big,
a big deal or anything, but you know, his prohibition and they the
local police discovered his operation, and so they came to his farm um to
arrest him, and he left his He left his snuck out of the house
as they were approaching and startled and let all of his cattle out, and
there was a massive stampede, basically like a Benny Hill routine. Spent the
next like twelve hours trying to corral his cattle back. Would you'd be like,
you know, the punchline was like a massive stampede. Sixteen people were
killed. Was killed. But apparently afterwards he apparently afterwards he dressed up in
his finest Sunday clothes, turned him into the police station and explained that he
didn't want to be arrested and his arrested in his farm smock. That's a
that's a power move. I was gonna say, it's like, that's you
know, my Sunday best. That's that's some alkapi own shit. Let's walking
in like you own the place. No motherfucker, I come in on my
terms. All right? What we say we take one more from Facebook?
Yeah? Sure. Our friend Stephanie asks, once the conclusion happens, can
we get a little epilogue, often to the sunset on each character. Does
the group finally abandoned Silas? I mean, might Silas for all we know?
Yeah? I think now it is important to establish, you know,
final battle by Nader made to be a little bit harrowing, so not for
sure everyone will make it through, but I think if y'all want to do
some epiloguing, we can certainly make space for that. That's that's kind of
up to the individuals playing their characters. M yeah, I think it'd be
a fun thing. If you know, if York survives all rip something up,
there's a certain well I want to check out. I kind of feel
like the end of the campaign has to be class climbing back into the well.
Yeah. Right. It is actually probably important to note here as well,
though, that although Chronicles of Calamity is coming to an end, that
does not mean that these characters are, you know, written out forever.
As we do more campaigns going forward, one of the things we really want
to do is be able to mix in match and make combinations with old and
new characters that we haven't seen before. So although this particular adventure will have
reached its conclusion, that definitely doesn't mean there might not be more in the
future, be it together or off on different other adventures that you would want
to tune in and check out. Indeed, unless they're fucking dead, if
they all die, then none of that. I'm just waiting to see if
we get the demon horse at the end. Let's say the group finally banded
Silas. I think it's more important to the Silas let them abandon him.
Yeah, I've never thought that anyone was inviting Silas along. Oh man,
all right, everybody, Well, that is going to do it for this
week on Authors and Dragons, Thank you so much for joining us. We
will be back next week with a side quest, and then again in two
weeks time with the next chapter in the final chapters of the Chronicles of Calamity,
and we've had a lot of prep. But next next time it starts
the big battle, the ableth fight, the gathering of the forces. It's
getting real in the whole Foods parking lot, y'all. Hell yeah, until
then, Bye, good bye, Give me your tongue. Altisen Dragons brought
to under Creative Commons License, meaning you were free to share this material so
long as credit is given to those who created it, which is us.
People. You just heard to play the game opening and closing themes performed by
the Gore Core four. There's not a sex cribe