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Welcome to Softcore History. What is up? Welcome to Softcore History. I
am your host for the week, Rob Fox. I am joined as always
by Jake Goldman and Dan Rochester. Hey, hi you guys soon today?
Good? Why are you talking like that? I don't know, just trying
to be friendly. That's cool, that's cool, just like hello, I
like it. Let's guess. Okay, what kind of ruses thisything for you?
It'd be nice. Yeah, today's today. I tell you, what's
your play? I want to make you the godfather of my second child,
not Rory, not the first one. Well, that's your mortal one.
He's got a godfather? Yeah, but can I like challenge him for that
title? I don't think that's all. I think you'd lose, be honest,
do you think I'll lose? Yeah? Who is in a fight?
Then? Yeah? Yeah he could. He could give you a good fight.
He was an he was a bouncer in Chicago. M hmm, what's
his ground game? Like? What's his ground game like? Yeah, I
don't know. He's stronger than you switchblade. I don't think he's six five
easily got you on weight. Was it the wedding? Yeah, he's my
best man. I got him big trees fall hard man. All right,
sure? Why not? Uh? Today we have a topic. Do you
have a name, by the way for the second child? Yet? We
do, but I'm not saying it right. You don't want to say it
a loud Yeah. I don't want to say tell me all fair? No?
No, can I be the godfather? Is that it? Well?
If you you we have a couple of people we have to fight against.
But we'll get into that later. Is that a Is that a thing?
Not saying the name? Well, we don't want to say it because people
will be like, oh that are like oh if they take it, yeah,
I haven't dog named that or whatever the fuck? Oh yeah it's Wheeler,
isn't it. Yea, it's Wheeler. Yeah. Actually, if you
told us right now, I would get another dog. Yeah, it's and
to name it that, it's actually Chase Wheeler Fox. It's a good middle
name too. I'll take it. Yeah, you get this is your middle
name? Um. Before we get started, was getting into the topic too
quickly before we get started. A thank you for listening. B. We
have a Patreon Patreon dot com slash softcore history where you get a ton of
bonus content, first and foremost an extra episode every week. Secondly, I
do a daily blog Monday through Friday. I just you know, the news
blogs you read, normal modern news, whatever funny thing happened, or political
thing happened. Whatever. I do that, except it's pulled from newspapers of
the past. Today for example, Uh, we had or I did an
article on I guess some courts rule that flirting could no longer be grounds for
divorce. Really, yeah, interesting it was. That's funny that it was
round breaking case the bar a little bit higher. Yeah, Like so it's
like, what like a guy'll be like, oh hey there, yeah,
divorce shit, Yeah, she got a little too friendly with that chapa with
that divorce was Oh, but women couldn't divorce the guy for it. They
could go either way. Some day labor whistles. I'll probably usually the guy.
Yeah, he's like you, you were too friendly with him. I
want to divorce you. And this has nothing to do with me having sex
with that sixteen year old mate of Oz nothing at all. I'm not running
away with her, leaving the children with you. You just flat too much.
You're flat, You've let you're dead. You flat. Uh yeah,
Patreon dot com, slash software, he's here a lot of great ship.
Five dollars a month and really it should be more. It should be,
but it never will be. It will only be five only every five dollars
a month. And we do our Christmas raffle, of course, which is
if you sign it your last month to sign up. It ends December first,
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you'll see whatever the number is, Janner, and you don't tell the I
r US about it, wink. Yeah, no, it's it's a marketing
expense which could have we had to write off for us. Yeah, yeah,
figure it out, Jake, I'm sure. Yeah, makembers work.
Yeah, thanks, guys, do the say it, do the thing,
say it, do the j thing, the Jake Ding. Yeah, the
Jake thing, Jake Ding. I don't want to use the J word,
but Jake, but Jake, yeah, fuck you, fuck you guys.
We also would appreciate it if you rate our show a five star and leave
a review that has actually been meaning to say something. You guys have kind
of been slacking with that. A lot of reviews lately leave us some reviews
plea need to get up over a thousand. You can say whatever you want
about us any terrible stars, five stars. Yeah, someone railed me about
the Gettysburg ding. I don't want to go in October. I know October
is spooky month, but probably closer to the date of the battle is would
be the better ghost. What is the date again, July? For a
second of time, it's gonna be so fucking hot. Yeah, I just
fuck during the battle. Was actually at the Lincoln Memorial on Saturday, saw
the whole speech first time. First time seeing the speech, I mean,
yeah, yeah, reading the entire thing actually kind of kind of skim through
it. Yeah. It was too long. It very It's like one of
the shortest speeches in history. Yeah, but on a wall. It was
so short that they didn't get a picture of them because they thought it was
going to be like an hour and it was like fucking five minutes. I
like the Jefferson Memorial. Most Lincoln's really good. Actually top tier. What
I think is real dope is Grant's tomb. Where's that in DC? On
it's off them all? I think near them all. I don't know the
Grants tombs go. And then I thought the Washington Memorial or Monument wasn't like
super cool until you're like the closure you get to it, the more impressive
it gets. Yeah, yeah, it's and it's like weirdly like you're when
you're at the Washington Monument, you can see straight into the backyard of the
White House. Yeah, it's weird. Actually, did you get a chance
to go to Arlington Cemetery? Now? Oh, the cemetery is sick.
Actually, yeah, we did stay in the cemetery. You stay there,
I mean we're cutting costs here, so camped out. Yeah. The Two
of the Unknown Soldier is a really cool thing to get to go see if
you ever get a chance to AKA if you listen to this podcast, you
probably know this because you like history a little bit. But that is Roberty
Lee's old plantation. Oh really, I didn't know that. I'd probably learned
that and forgot. Yeah. Yeah, so, uh, the Union like
quartermaster or whatever, like the main one. His son died in battle and
Lee's plantation was like, you know, right next to DC or whatever,
and it had already been seized, you know what I mean, Like it
had already been conquered whatever you want to call it. And so he was
like, you want to kill my son, all right, fuck you,
and he just started burying bodies on the property. Damn. Yeah. And
now it's a cemetery. And they never gave it. Actually. I think
the Lees sued after the war and that got it back, but then donated
it back to the government after Lee's son died or something like. I will
say though, that straight shot from cam Memorial to the Capitol, it's a
very pleasant walk. Oh the mall, dude, Yeah, it's so nice.
But me and Georgio were cracking down. I think there's some type of
like ice cream mafia in DC. What Like, everywhere you go there's at
least thirteen ice creams high were you by the way, I wasn't high at
all. No, I haven't spoke to me in a long time. Just
Georgio. Georgio every day yet, right, But literally, no matter where
you go at all times, there's like thirteen or fourteen ice cream chucks.
Really there's too much ice cream in d They're all just CIA fronts. Actually
they had to be. We were thinking they're like surveillance. Probably it's all
CIA fronts. And I got an ice cream cone from a man by the
name of a Mere dream Cream. Did he change his name or that?
I only know that because he had cash app, had a cash app.
It was a mere first name. He didn't take card. It was just
cash app. It was ten bucks for a fucking cone. Then, yeah,
everything's expensive in DC's expensive. Everything else wasn't that bad, but the
ice cream cone ten bucks, it's a CIA front easily, you just funded
a que and like an ester in Africa. Yeah, yeah, I just
you know, replaced dictate. Especially all those ice cream trucks are like training
for how they like can just spy on random people. Like it makes sense
if there's three or four, because you know, there's a lot of school
trips in DC. But literally I count I counted on one block there was
fourteen. That's crazy and an absurd amount of ice and they all sell the
same shit. Yes, that's that's that's CIA. Maybe FBI as well,
competing in NSA. Why not? Well, yeah, because like they never
they never communicate. Well, so it's just you just had a big cone
of microchips. You just ate, like so many microchips? Did you got
microchips all up in you? They're listening to us right now, Well someone
is, well leave a five star review. You're gonna listen to us out
of Dan's asshole. Listen to the eighteen different people monitoring Dan right now.
If you could give us a like and to subscribe, that'd be great.
Really cool town though, great food, great boost, great bar scene,
yeah, great people, great architecture, great everything. Love it. Uh,
but let's get into this week's topic because we have a lot to cover.
I couldn't help myself. I have ten pages of notes here. Jesus.
Yeah, um, it's for a good reason, me and Jake and
leave then right, yeah, eventually it's fine. Today we are talking about
a little pocketbook, and that little pocketbook is called Harris's List of Covent Garden
Ladies. What, oh like an actual book poet? Yeah, it's like
a witch book. Uh no, Uh, it was a handy little pocketbook
published between seventeen fifties. I don't like the word pocketbook and said, well
that's what it was. The book that goes in your pocket, Dan,
No, I get that. Why don't you like it? Because that's not
what like the term pocket book. I just think of somebody's like coin back.
Well, no, that's not what it means anymore, or that's not
what I meant back then, like a handy book of reference for your pocket
four cell phones? Yeah, pa book, I guess I don't know.
Um. It was a pocket book sorry, published between seventeen fifty seven and
seventeen ninety one. And what it did was it gave a quick review or
overview, whatever you want to call it, just a quick rundown of London's
best known midpriced prostitutes. Okay, Oh, it was a review system.
It was like a back page. It was like zagat, zagat. How
do you say it? Um, zanga zag it zag it? Yeah,
what do you mean? Zag it? It's like a restaurant review Michelin,
like a little Michelin book. I even like Zaga, like the block Zaga
is a food restaurant, like yeah or Lulu remember that? I was Yeah,
wait was that the one where rated you? Yeah? You couldn't access
it as a guy, but you could see through your friends. Yeah,
raak guys in college trash actually a good rating as well. Yeah well yeah,
but like sometimes you upset Lenin No, I never did, always pleased.
I always got the wondering eye. Yeah. And by this is that
basically this is Lulu, but it is curated. It's more of a like,
it's a more trusted source. Yeah yeah, yeah, this isn't like
crowdsourced. There's a curated list from experts, and by expert it's one guy
probably. Oh my god, can you imagine if Lulu was the other way
around? In college people lost their fucking mind then, but now for sure,
Yeah yeah it still plays now things for people forget that. Things really
started to get wild about twenty fourteen, twenty fifteen, that is when things
really started to get like college gampus started to go Banana. I can't all
right, I can't do this. We're moving on. Uh, just go
game. Another incident that like goes boys, I'm not I'm not going to
do that. That was the inside and it was not a moment. It
was not but not defending that here. It was missoo, oh my god.
Whatever the downfall society in America happened in Columbia, Missouri. That's why
you get the raging liberal lady meme from Melissa Click. Let's click who I
had? I had a class? How was she with as a teacher?
It's awful? Fucking hate her? She can't I I by far had the
worst teacher of all of us, worst professor. Who'd you have famous?
The one that was a pedophile? You know who's the head of the film
department. He got pop for child pornography. So yeah, yeah, we
can't meme that this is a normal old man getting popped for child porn.
M He almost almost didn't graduate college because of him. He gave me a
D on the paper I needed to see in the class. Wow, the
entire class was dictated on that paper. And to think he was just funny.
He was probably a point that it was a good paper too. That's
I don't write for a liman or didn't write for a living. Yeah,
maybe it wasn't what he's saying. It wasn't good paper because he fucked kids.
Has nothing to do with him. Fucking kids are loving like he just
disag him. Liking naked kids had nothing to do with the quality of your
pay. He just disagreed with my opinion. It's not a reason to fail
someone. And he almost failed me out of school. We're not failed by
it almost didn't. That is not a reason to fail someone. That's why
I loved all my creative writing classes is that you can't really fault someone for
anything other than not turning in the work. I'm sorry. Political science is
even better because then you have a fucking civil suit. It's like, what
do you think? I can't believe what I believe, folks, won't you?
Man? So the pocket Book that was a guide to London's best known
mid price prostitutes between seventeen fifty seven. Some mid prosties, some mid prosties.
So it's like the middle classman's hooker. Right, These aren't high end
hookers. These are but not bottom of the barrel. No no, these
are every man every man. No. Helen Sligerman's in this book. No
no, no, no, Allen's Oh D gave them my guy, Harris
Boggy will go he went tell you um. Even the low effort is still
much appreciated. Ellen Slickerman is my favorite thing from Spare Bedroom. It was
the first sketch, was it. It's one of my favorites, all right?
I think? Yeah? It was in might. So it was started
by Samuel Derek he uh. His credit was starting the book after his death
in seventeen sixty nine. The authors are unknown, though it was authored under
the pseudonym every Year by a quote h Ranger from the late seventeen eighties.
Er. Yeah, probably like horny police ranger. Either one. Well,
that's more like ranger back then, means more like explorer. You know what
I mean. No, you take the law on your own hands. Whatever.
Yeah, they're ranging through a Texas ranger and Dick's the gun horny ranger.
We'll get into those euphemisms. Oh man, I bet they're great.
It abounds from the late seventeen eighties on. We know it was printed by
three men, John and James Roach and John Aitken. Now this was not
the first book published about the locations, acts, prices and quality of London
prostitutes. Between sixteen sixty and sixteen sixty one, a book called The Wandering
Whore ran for five issues. It's just like a real Betamax vhs. Huh
yeah, I guess yeah. Everything's got competition. Sisterhood of the Traveling Underpants
In sixteen ninety one, another book, a Catalog of jilts, cracks and
prostitutes, night walkers, whores, she friends, kind women, and other
of the linting linen lifting tribe was printed. This catalogs the physical attributes of
twenty one women who could be found around town. One described was Mary Holland.
She was apparently tall, graceful, and comely, shy of her favors,
but could be mullified at a cost of twenty pounds, which twenty pounds
and is not twenty pounds now, so I don't really understand that. Her
sister Elizabeth was less expensive, being indifferent to money, but a supper and
two guineas will tempt her, so she was less attractive and less expensive.
A supper and two checks out, though, wait, dinner and two Italians
will get her? Is that what that means? Give her two Italian slaves
and no no guineas is like a fucking nicol or something. Okay, rightly,
I really didn't know what that meant, yeah, or just actual guinea
pigs. She loves pets pretty much. It's awful, but the police smells
like straw. I one time me and Courtney visit in New York and we
visited one of our friends from high school, nice people adult. I don't
want to talk, Yes, I don't want to talk to shit on them
or anything. But we went we went into their Upper east Side apartment.
That was like, they have a rabbit, a guinea pig, three guinea
pigs. Oh, that's too many, and and they had a whole habitat
and they lived in a four hundred square foot apartment. Man, the habitat
was basically in their kitchen. It probably didn't smell good, you know,
they did a good job of dealing with the smell. But it was mostly
just like was it the sounds that were bad? No, it was just
like, how you're wasting space you don't even have. Yeah, it was
well at that point, you can't really have a dog, you Oh,
dog would have been less. Space takes the space of the dog. The
dog moves, the dog can relocate wherever you aren't. Yeah, just keep
the guinea pig out. You get some dead guinea pigs, yeah, yeah,
get a ferret um No, I mean, if you get any ferrets.
Do smell bad if you get if you get these rodents, if you're
a rodent person, I'm not saying you're as bad as a bird person,
but you're like on part I I said I had. I said I had
a fairt and culture. What I should clarify is I took care of someone's
ferret in college for a year. Let's see, he couldn't have it in
his apartment. And we liked the ferret because it was a nice, funny
little guy, and we kept it in our room and that room smelled like
ferret shit and piss smell so fucking bad. I'm sorry. We had a
sugar glider in our house because Joe had one. Those things seem awesome.
They're really cool, actually, but they get lonely, they get very sad.
Did you say it would just like cry it it kind of died of
loneliness. No, you're supposed to get him with a friend, so keep
each other company. I thought you were gonna say it got sad and lonely,
so I started jerking off. No, No, it like Joe went
on vacation for a little bit when were taking care of it, and it
got like it made itself sick heartbreak. Yeah, it's a really sad story.
But the thing that I didn't like was it an eternal so like I
I'd sleep on the couch a lot, like pass out watching a movie and
like middian Knight, I just hear like fight out. I'm laying on my
face. Yeah, like god damn it, w what are you doing?
And like pick him up and put him somewhere else. He lived in my
golf bag because that was his favorite place. Like I'd go to go golfing,
I pick up the bag. It would just start going, like Jesus
Rist, It's like living with a cartoon. It was very deeply irresponsible for
college. He had to buy a sugar You're gonna kill that animal. We
had a sugar layer in our house too. You know what happened to it?
You know how that met its end? Moved it into his house,
like after he moved out of the fraternity, he lived in the Fratorney house
and moved into another house after he moved out of the Turney house, like
just because you know, yeah, and um, they all got drunk one
night. I don't like this story, and um they're like, let's tossing
and djorn No oh no, it was the sugar gladder in the oven.
Ye oh no, that's so sad. Dude, you cooked did it?
Did they at least eat it? No? That's so fucked up, man,
Yeah, that's so irresponsible. I know they just pre eated the oven.
Huh the sugarlider can check for a sugar glider. We have a small
animal that hides in small spaces. Yeah, you're back to chat how to
get in the oven? They get places, dude, I don't know.
Yeah. So it wasn't like in the main of an area, but it
had wedge itself into a place where it was cooked. Yeah. Yeah,
not great. But back to the point, you want to be a bird
guy like, yeah, also, where are you supposed to keep a sugar
glider? Like, who's supposed to have keep a birdcage? Basically do keep
it in a birdcage? Yeah? Yeah, man, it was depressed.
It was free range in our home. But you want to clip a bird's
wings and just keep it in a cage? Uh? Yes, for my
own pleasure. Um. But yeah, so the thing got the book got
ended. In seventeen ninety five. The guy's got kind of sued. Uh.
One did a year in jail. The judge said, um, it
was a most indecent and immoral publication and you got to jail for this,
said roaches. Crime was an offense of greater enormity that could hardly be committed.
Yeah, it's fucking seventeen nineties at that point. I mean, morality
is a big deal. Kind of some places kind of pick and choose where.
So there was a turn. The society was fine, fine ish with
prostitution in London basically throughout the publication of this book, but by the end
of it there was kind of a just so sort of social turn on it.
Here it got a little puritanical. I guess you could say, true
someone most powerful woman in the world, like especially throughout history. I've been
prostitutes, so that's fine, that's fine, but just Madams started to be
dicks about it. But look, I'm not here to talk about nerds shit,
No, all right, I'm not here to be like, oh,
how when did this book start getting published? Did they use a printing press?
What's a hack writer? All that type of stuff? DDE fuck that.
I want to know who had the most bomb ass pussy. We're going
to read prostitute reviews, okay from the seventeen eighties. So I found a
copy of this from seventeen eighty eight online, fantastic, and we're just gonna
start reading hooker reviews. Names they did they hookers written? So oh they
doxed the hookers. They gave their addresses. Oh god, well, how
else are you gonna find them? Fair? Right? But what's funny is
they leave out part of their name. So like on the first one,
miss l is miss l possibly miss Lancaster, they printed as miss ell dash
st dash r, So they leave out a couple of litters, they leave
out the vowels. Basically, yeah, like more or less the play wheel
fortune. Anybody could be Miss Lester. I don't know, but it's not
hard to guess address. The addresses were there. Yeah, so let's just
get into it. And by the way I went down, they were about
one hundred and ninety entries in this book. I picked out the best ones
that I could find. I read through them. I read a lot of
prosty reviews, right as one does. That's research, man, you could
pick to do that. Now let's go kinda. I don't KNOCKU pay to
do it. And now time machine. You now have a little if you
want to go back to London, Rob gets approached by a time traveling bandit
that's like you can bring one thing with you or I was like, all
right, I got the book. Let's go, miss Lanisterre. Yeah.
Look I I didn't not start to get curious about some of these women,
to be quite honest, I mean some of them could have been your dream
girl. Let's go. You don't get in like another time, another dimension.
Let's bread these horror reviews, this whore, the wandering one that got
away. You know, this book isn't like listed in order, you know
what I mean, best to worst. It's not like rings. But they
did lead off with the goat. Oh so, yeah, they did lead
off with the number one, the Gretzky. Yeah. Essentially, she got
the top spot, she got above the fold, she got this is the
one you want to find number one in the book. Like I said,
I call her Miss Lancaster. Could be missed. I don't know such I'm
reading from the book now. Such are all pleasing. Landcaster leads the train
and, smiling like the morn, unfolds her heaven of beauties. Now arrived
at the tempting age of nineteen, Her imagination is filled with every luscious idea,
refined sensibility, and fierce desire can unite. Her form is majetstick,
tall and elegant. She's pretty okay, so what's so pretty about her?
Her pouting lips distill nectarious balm, and through the flame it's thrilling. Transports
dart, which, when parted, display a casket of snow white pearls ranged
in the nicest regularity. She got a good teeth. She has a nice
smile, staying a lot. Oh that is well, they focus on teeth
a lot in this book. They're also seeing right at the top that she's
adventurous too. I think it's kind of the classic Oh these young girls,
man, you don't know what they're into. Now, it's crazy. Like
that's what that paragraph kind of said's full of these things. They she's full
of these ideas, and like this is one of the tamest reviews I read.
WHOA Really Yeah, I thought they were just kind of dressing it up
a little bit. Oh, they do dress it up, okayout, but
it gets wilder, okay, Okay. So she has a nice smile,
very sweet. Next the neighboring hills below full ripe for manual pleasure, firm
and elastic and heave at every touch. Scut big boobs. Yeah, I
got nice titties. Uh does it get more graphic than that. Sure,
I hope the Elysian font in the center of a black bewitching grove. So
she has pubes and she she has a vagina with a nice black bush.
Yeah, okay, which I think I guess is Elician's like heaven like right,
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Elsie and perfect can get used to describe
a lot of dicks pussies, uh, supported by two pyramids, white as
alabaster, very delicate and soft as turtles down. I think that's her butt,
but I don't know that's actually two pyramids pyramids or kind Oh. Actually,
yes, that's what I'm thinking. That's that's You're absolutely right, I
think that's what I You just figured that out. Yeah, yeah, that
is what that is. I was trying to figure that out but I couldn't.
Yeah. Nobody back then had an ass. Not in England, No,
well no, not anywhere really mean anywhere. Concave butts, people with
asses had asses. Nobody had an ass back then anywhere in the world.
Man, it's a new invention until like the eighties. Dude. Yeah,
honestly, feel my ass hasn't come around since, like I mean, first
year. It probably popped up as like two thousand and five. Sure,
why not? There was no asses prior to two thousand and five. Pancakes
Ass, Okay, that's all they had. Next pancakes are on the menu.
That's it. I don't even hate it. I mean, I'm gonna
do it to be honest. At the approach of their favorite Lord unfold and
for three guineas he is conducted to this harbor of never failing delight favorite Lord.
That's a cock ah. Then she puts it in her pussy and they
fuck and it's delightful and it's delightful. Add to all this that she sings
well oh and is a very cheerful companion and has only been in this life
nine months, so she can say, well, she's not all used up
relatively. No, yeah, you have a good time with her. And
then she sings you a nice little yea entertainment, nice little show tunes.
I like how this book tries to like they say, like, they try
to like dress it up, and they'll be like, and you know she's
really smart too, No, she's like super cool. Yeah, she's like
a good hang, she's good hang, like the voice not terrible. I
don't know what you we'll get it into because they just it gets there's more.
So next we have who I, Miss Holland start the review already down.
Yep, those who choose to sail the island of love in a first
rate ship or to enclose an armful of delight must be pleased with this lady.
This hooker is solid. You're gonna like the way you feel. I
guarantee it motion in the ocean. But she's also not number one, and
I think they let off with the best. But then they just started.
They just started started listening them after that in no order, because they do
get into pros and cons. There were just no cons on number one.
Who So the first one's perfect? Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, no
complaints. So miss Holland, though, who, though only seventeen and short,
is very fat and corpulent. Ah what does that mean? I take
back, I retract my previous statement of amard down, got that off her
name fat and short. Now you're like this Holland. I love it.
It's not Miss Holland, Like, does this missy universe competences? This is
your last name? Bro? Damn well, dun goofed du goofed, Like
they're here to be honest, it's this is it's you know, it's a
review publication. Okay, fan shut, but she probably works hard, right
Yet notwithstanding, she is a fine piece of frailty. Her face is handsome
and her nut brown locks, which are placed above and below, so she's
got a nice brown bush. Big carpet matches the drapes. Handsome face,
handsome is quite acceptable for beautiful. Yeah at the time, promise a luscious
treat to the voluptuary. Her temper is agreeable and pleasing, and she is
so far from being mercenary that a single guinea is the bound boundage of her
wish. So she gonna cost that much. Oh yeah, So she's not
like so far from being mercenary. I mean like she's not like out there
trying to get paid. She's like, oh, do it on the side,
yeah, yeah, Yeah. If you're in a pinch, she's your
girl. Yeah. If you're nice and you know she's feeling it, she's
not gonna break the back. And sometimes you've had five or six pints and
it's more about getting it done than who you get it done with. Yeah,
it's masturbating with another body. Gross, Dan, what do you not
understand that? I understand it completely good it probably i'd imagine, Yeah,
you're not above that. We all have. It's called college, and there's
everyone's been there old college, or also like half of life in Austin,
which is just college. Peter pan Land. It is Peter pan Land.
I don't want to grow up. Next up we have miss Johnson. Indeed,
this fair one is not afraid of work, but we'll undergo a great
deal of labor in the action. She sings, dances and we'll drink a
cheerful glass and is a good companion. Good hang. You gotta love a
girl who's gonna, you know, drink with you wine and dinya. You
know, she'll put on a show. She has such God damn it forgret
willis because they really take a left turn from She's a good hang too.
She has such a noble elasticity in her loins that she can cast her lover
to a pleasing height and receive him again with the utmost dexterity. Her price
is one pound one, which means a pound and a shilling, I think,
and for her person and amorous qualifications, she is well worth the money.
What I think that means is she can lick it. She can write
it while you slip it and slide it. She can do all them little
tricks, keep the dick up inside it. Wow did you write that?
I did. We're here to go, man, Thank you A plus lyrical
genius. So they wrote this. She uses her pussy good. I heard
flexibility, elasticity, she keep it tight. Well, no, or actually
that'd be the opposite. It means it ain't that type, but she can
make it. She can still do stuff. Okay, right, and by
the way, I am paraphrasing because some of these reviews are long. Not
paraphrasing, but just taking the best part. And I actually appreciate your translation.
Yeah, it's good. I hope you did more I do I do
for the whole thing I did? Okay, Next up, we have a
one, Miss Brown. If you would wish to find a good bedfellow,
though not blessed with every other perfection, this lady will perhaps suit her price,
which is two pounds two. I don't understand that that's possible. Like
this chick's mediocre, but she costs the more than Miss Johnson, who Miss
Johnson had a fire ass like cunt. And yeah, I don't understand the
review on Miss Brown. But sure, why not? There's a little and
I noticed this as I was reading through it, like they kind of I
don't know, they got very contradictory. I guess at one point this is
okay, and another point this is a dog, this is not okay.
Drinking especially comes up a lot. Yeah, really like that she was too
drunk. Oh okay, we'll too sloppy. Listen, sometimes you don't adhere
to your own rules that you set, your your own ranking system can kind
of be shot out the window after a certain point. But also you're just
not adhering to standards you've already set, right, and you're just like,
you know what, each individual girl is their own thing. It's like gambling,
right, Like just because it's on Black five times on Roulette straight,
Sure it's not. It's independent, right, it's gambling gambler's fallacy. Yeah.
No, I mean it's like, sure, you gotta be read this
time. Yeah, but every time the odds were set right, So they're
just looking at each girl independently. Yes, fair, which fair enough.
Yeah, So they haven't they don't go back, they don't read the stuff
they've already written. No, again, they're not ranking they led with the
first one and everything else's independent review. That actually makes sense, and I
think that's actually the best way to do it. Yeah, I kind of
wonder why and not hold them to previously ranked. Yeah, what a gig.
By the way, I was just about to say, who were Like,
so there was just dudes out there like this, you gotta ranking this
year. This one was written by three man Okay, but there's like one
hundred and ninety chicks in here. Now they're ranking systems. How do you
think they come to an agreement? Well, they're not system Yeah, like
what's that? I think they what's that? Like? Brainstorm and said they
probably divvied it up and wrote their own, like, yeah, I don't
think they were trying together. One takes sixty prostitute. Yeah, I think
that was pretty much. It is like, all right, you do sixty,
you do sixty, you do sixty one, You got miss Johnson,
you got miss Brown, And they fought over who the first, who got
the first one? Yeah? Probably what if they did like a fantasy draft.
They probably did We're going snake auction? Oh you gotta go snake all
right? Maybe you go auctions? Yeah, I think auctions like you're paying.
You probably are like a salary cap, like you can't go You can't
just like spread all your money on all the good ones. Yes, yes,
yeah, you're making like a draft Kings team. Yeah, of prostest.
That seems like the right way to do it. And I don't blame
the person who picked the goat, just their entire bank roll, all of
it, all of it. Um. Next up we have missus dowd Oh,
missus. She is indeed turned of forty, rather fat and short,
yet she looks well, dress, is neat and can divide as smartly covered
and as neat a leg and foot as has ever beat time to the silent
flute. She's old and fat, cleans up nice, she's got nice feet,
and uh she'll work your dick as well as anyone else. That's what
silent flute is. Silent flute is dick, no kidding, what else would
it mean. She's not actually busting out of flute. She's really bad though
you can't even hear it. So yeah, old fat cleans up nice,
works that dick. Right, let's go on. If you are not soon
disposed for the attack, she will show you such a set of pictures that
very seldom fails to alarm the sleeping member. So she shows you porn to
get you hard. Yeah. So if you look at her and you're like,
oh, gross, I don't want to fuck you, she's like a
couple of pictures and lady nish picture of a means how about this picture of
das nipple ray and are you rushing bee? Yeah? She just posts up
photos and then and there's a glory hole, right you essentially like you would
tie one of the pictures to her face and you look at that. Oh,
it's all right, Helen, you know what. I'm glad in that
bit. Helen Sligerman was. She was my prostitute in the bit. And
also, if nothing came of spare bedroom, at least we have this,
Oh won't be taken of offense if you put one of my own cards let
me vice, it's all right. Um. Yeah, So she'll show you
porn if she can't get your horny, and she won't and she won't she
needs if she's got it on deck. You know she's not. She's just
got a fucking purse full of weird drawn porn. It's like it's like Randy
in the I know, you know, that when there's new Internet and there's
a guy just catching poor tie Hooker's cot on their feet, there's our Southwark
reference. Yeah, I just imagine though. It's like her version of Tarot
cards. Yeah, she's all right, let's work for you, let's work
for you. One or two going to the eye doctor. Yeah, I
can never tell. It's like it kind of looks similar air b whatever,
like one two, Like I don't know, I can see them both.
It's too much pressure, because that's gonna really infest our lives. Quiz right,
like it's it's it stops, it ceases to be you just being honest
about your eyes and you just wanted to guess right, and it's a real
world consequences. Yeah, if you fuck it up, it's like, oh
well that's my eyesight. Yeah yeah. Um. Not done with her review
yet, perfectly skilled in every delightful maneuver, knowing how to keep time,
when to advance and retreat, to face to the right or left, and
went to shower down a whole volley of love so she can fuck real good.
She's old, she knows how to work it. She's been Yeah,
she's got she's got the years. Man. But here is maybe the most
important thing about her of all. She is perfectly mistress in the art of
restoring life and performs the tender friction with a hand soft as turtles down.
She's good handies, great hand jobs. So maybe you come too fast,
you come and you want to go again because you paid for the hour or
three hours or fucking long you paid for. She'll get you going again.
Just start working with the hand again. Uh, I thought it was over.
She's so unattractive you have to look away and she'll just get you off
with their hand. Oh, I was worry about it. Love. My
face maybe raw, but my hand it's as soft as turtles down. I
get his voice all day, and I've had enough alcohol and I'm a little
sick. Where I'm in perfect slaggerman like range, Yeah, yeah, where
I just got. I got the right amount of rust in my throat.
If you want to know, Helen Sligerman is looking spearbedry, right, we
need to put that up for free. Pat at some point might as well.
Yeah. Uh, next step, we have Miss Richardson, a pretty
lively, fair complexioned girl with a dainty leg and foot. They talk about
feet a lot. It's really weird. You need nice feet. Think about
how narrow yeah, especially back then, like just coal covered, like just
fucking walking around cobbled streets barefoot, just fucking fucked. Yeah. It's not
like you just go get a pair of nail clippers. He probably gonna like
really try to do that manually. Think about a girl now who hasn't gotten
a fucking pedicure in long enough. If maybe she just has like not great
genetics and maybe her feet get a little like dryer or something in the normal
person, if she doesn't get a pedicure regularly, that's a fucking nightmare.
I've really paid zero attention to feed. I love feet. I don't pay
attention to any of this, really, feet, hands, anything. I
got the soul I go, uh yeah, the soul of the foot.
Okay, foot guy, Rob's big fun guy. That's I just learned that.
That's what I've learned. That's what I learned today. What'd you learn
today? Rob? What's the fuck my feet? We're not your feet,
well, anyone's feet. There's just someone's feed. Are you into foot point?
Like when people are banging the feet pressed together? Are you the guy
sold picks too? It's just robbed the whole time he come getting my cake.
Dan Uh, I will say this. I'm not at like a foot
fetish guy, but I will notice if you have like gnarly feet, I
could see you just like out out to fucking dinner with Courtney at dinner,
just braiding her, being like, huh it's been a while. Huh.
No pedicure, yea, when did you get your last pedicure? Feter looking
rough? Yeah? What do you? What do you been have You've been
breaking bricks? Girl? That's stolen from some black comedian in the nineties.
I forget who, though, Well there's only like two right, yes,
Bernie mc why not? He is great? Um, but yeah, miss,
I was gonna say Patrese, maybe patris Yeah, it would be a
Patriso o Neil joke. Actually yeah, it could be, Like I really
I've heard that. I heard that was the black comedian said that, but
I don't remember Patriso O Neil is a big red pill comedian at the end
there, right, yeah, r I p because he's red Yeah yeah,
sure, why not? And only he's dead going on and it's pretty a
pair of pouting bubbies as ever, went against Demand's stomach, So repeat that
yeah, as pretty a pair of Pouding bubbies as ever went against Demand's stomach
bubbies. Yeah, so Pouding threw me off because of the lips, but
kind of little tear droppers, I think, no, no, if they're
going against a man's belly, which when you're hug him or your fucking are
or they're just sagging so low. No no, no no, they talk
about saggy ones. Okay, they're like, no, they don't say so.
This is when they say pouting. I think they mean like tear drop,
like a you know, like a down and up type of yeah,
yeah, yeah yeah. Um. By the way, that one of my
favorite things they're reading this is the way they talk about tits an ass and
dick and pussy. It ranges from like bizarre too hilariously eloquent, m like
to the point where they describe in this like filthy porno rag of a pocket
book. They describe that better than like a YELP review on Applebee's. Now
there's like a Hooker's in the seventeen to eighties, like apple He's not like
that that new casit had tasted like fucking Donkey's asshole. Yeah, and now
and at this point, like they use like literary references to describe vaginas and
like better like more eloquent communicators just in general back than though too. Yes,
especially if you're writing. I mean you got to think of like the
privilege of the fact that you're putting out a publication, right, Like,
so it was very like it was mass media at this point. I mean
this was mass media, but still the occasion of publishing something gave it more
weight. So I'm assuming they put a lot more behind one percent. Yeah,
there's a difference between publishing this and publishing a fucking tweet, right exactly.
Yeah, you didn't have the time you can just fired it off,
like you had to really plan this out. Yeah, because like Kirkcanal turned
a man to stone harder than Medusa, like right, yeah, well yeah,
a little Greek mythology in there, yeah, right, but it's like
the whole thing is euphemism, you know what I mean. It's like his
saluting colonel was turned to stone, like Medusa's first wide eyed lover in the
flood, Like too much fluff the colonel. Yeah, it never stops.
It's like layer on layer of It's like euphemism stacked on euphemism, so just
my writing a CFM. Yes, yeah, they can't. They couldn't edit
themselves. They had a fourth guy that was just really bad, Like she
got nice twitch, dude. I think at some point some of these people
had to just be like, I don't I didn't read that, all right,
you just tell me what fucking count ty slot or I want to know
where Connie Ty slot and I want to know if a taf of that or
if they yet out they what she got any teeth at? Oh, I
want to know she fought. I didn't read you fucking great mythology. Just
tell me what what the Connie types thought and what the teddies look like?
Round fuck Madden, Like I'm drunk right now. I can't even fucking read
this ship through a Steinbeck novel just to get to the review man her pussy
a taste like seven day porridge. There was actually I didn't include her in
this, but one of the reviews I read was of a French chick who
was fat, and they were like, but unlike all these British chicks,
she does this weird French thing where she cleans her pussy. She'll sit on
her bidet for minutes on end. She's probably just getting yeah. So like
the British chicks would only clean their armpits and ship, but she would clean
the vagina. Like, that's a curious French, French thing that she does.
So you're going in, I don't know, seven eight deep guy's before
you. Oh it's no wonder how many venereal diseases went around so quickly.
It's amazing. He like, while you're wet, and I was like,
well that's not me. Oh well, this is so uncomfortable, sticky.
Huh, let's crunch at the end. Oh god, all right, keep
going on. She is pleasing. We're still on, miss Richardson. She
is pleasing, though fond, and can make wantonness delightful. Every part assists
to bring on the momentary delirium, and then each part combines to raise up
the fallen member again seventeen eighty eight Boner euphemism. Her price is commonly two
guineas, but if a man is clever, she is ready to make some
abatement. So if you can haggle, you can haggle with it. It's
all right. Listen, Richardson, I clever, myself clever. Call her
an Italian market so you can haggle. Yeah, oh about this This is
someone just walks up to say, we'll see two guineas. Oh about this
one. Oh, I have a boy that's just naming your price. Oh,
a man who sets his price. Well, I'd love to just walk
into car our car dealership. You say thirty five? Thou how about twenty?
You're pretty smart man. Done. It's a bridge process is use your
Toyota Camry. Next up, we have Miss Lucas. This might be my
favorite one. This one. This review is it defies every ounce of logic.
It's wonderful. Go on. So we have Miss Lucas. She has
said, like the river Nile frequently to overflow. Whoa, she's squirt.
That was my thought, right, I think we might have our first squirt.
Yeah, has entered the conversation. Yeah, minimum, it's a whop,
but I think it's a squirter puss. Yeah. By the way,
this is one of the first things that reminded me of So I had this
girl I went to grade school with. What wait, you can't no grade
school with her? Oh okay, I didn't say. This random grade school
girl I know reminded me of her. There's wet pussy situation reminded me of
this sixth grader. I know, okay, but you see where I got.
No, I don't because I said it clearly the first time. Nah,
I don't know about that. You're weird, man. I'm still Facebook.
I'm Facebook grass. There one time like she used to post like wild
shit about sex all the time, or one time she did like a repost
like a meme or some like like account that's like I would love to get
my pussy eight or some weird shit like that, you know what I mean,
Like one of your trash home friends will like re share some like wild
shit. Yeah. Facebook's accesspool, dude, It's awesome, wonderful. Why
then my trash friends there's a royal you I think though, Uh yeah,
I think he's looking directly at me. First of I'm telling a story of
my trash friend. You only have one trash friend. This is a story
about one, and I know you have these types of friends as well.
Let's just drop the drop all airs here. Yeah, come on, you
know where you're from. We're in a prostitute review episode. Let's be rural
Florida. You're from fucking Delco. I'm from Saint Louis, it's fine.
Yes, she posted this thing, and she was like she was like a
green with it. She was like mm hmmm, and uh it was essentially
like, he ain't eating yo pussy, right if you don't squirt? Yeah,
I mean I dated a girl like that not that long ago. What
you met her? Um, you don't used to say. Yeah, I
won't say an but like she would share stuff like, uh, I take
a pill so he can note to me. He's he can take a pill
so he can deal with my cats. Oh that's different. Oh I know
who that is. Yeah, that's fine. I don't care about that.
I don't care about this either. But I was just like, who is
this four? I'm not gonna say her name, but like I was like,
who is this four? Right, Sarah? That's a fake name,
Sarah, Like Sarah, who who are you posting plans? Her name is
Sarah. They'll never expect Sarah. No, it's not, it's not.
But I just this is the first thing that reminded me. I was just
like, this chick was like, you can only successfully eat my pussy if
I piss all over your face. I agree, I see no lies?
Yeah right, yeahpot Sarah you guys get square on way more than that.
I guess, m it is just pe yeah is it? It's a little
bit pee, but both yea and whatever juices were in there. I will
say, it does suck when you have to sleep next to it that avoid
the wet spot. Yeah, it's cold, it's real cold. That needs
to be her half of the best agreed, Like, that's her mess.
That's her mess, right. You'd also just like if you if you accidentally
came on a pillow and no one was everyone was too lazy to get rid
of it. Sleeping on that pillow, flip the pillow over, right,
but that's your pillow for the night. Yeah right, we'll flip the mattress
over, even if it's not double sided. That seems awful. I know.
Yeah, she's sleeping on the floor. You're spraying it. You lay
in it. Man, I just did my job, right, you were
just there to work. You're just falling orders. M the banality of evil
A fucking squirt joke? Okay, cool? Why not? Yeah? So
I do think this chick is a squirter, because that's the only way that
this next part makes sense. Okay, But somehow or another, her inundations
differ from those of that ever, meaning the Nile, as they do not
produce fecundity. Some skillful gardeners are of the opinion that she drowns the seed,
which is the reason that it does not take root. She s worked
so hard she doesn't get the stuff up in her she doesn't get pregnant.
She blasts out the cup. WHOA, I think that what that's this is
saying is I'm blown away that we didn't put this one behind a paywall.
By the way, yeah, this is the one premium content. We might
need to switch these sufer But in the words of Future, I fucked made
her p I mean that's if she can do it all once. I know
you are. I'm just quoting it. I'm not knocking you, dude.
I'm just saying the subject matter definitely feels more paywall. I'm not saying we
keep it behind the man there's fucking gnarlier shit on Apple podcast. Oh absolutely,
yeah, yeah no, no, this is team I'm just I'm just
making a point. Yeah, Jake's just vanilla. She blasts your jizz out
of her vagina, but with her squirts, and that's why she never gets
pregnant. It's that logic makes sense. It's a good I mean, it's
it's a great um kind of attribute to have here in this time. If
you're working, Yeah, you avoid UTIs, Yeah, I mean that is
a good way to avoid you. Everyone should. The amount of chicks I
know or like hooked up with who at some point I had to be like,
you should go pee? And they're like, what do you mean?
And I was like, I feel like you shouldn't tell them that, but
I was like, like, at some point, actually I did have to
tell them that because because you're gonna get a yeast infection. Yeah, my
gal, I mean I like, yeah, I feel everyone everyone should have
have a pee after sex. Guys too, Guys too, Yeah, I
don't really gonna have that little venom p whereis yeah? Yeah? And then
it goes to straight two barrel and then you have just pushed so hard that
it gets out one barrel. But sometimes you shoot your pants. Yeah yeah,
well sure me for certain. But you were doing sitting down, so
it's fun. M Yeah, I'm more comfortable. Honestly, why not.
I'm gonna I'm gonna pee sitting down in my own home, all right,
I'll do what I want. Yeah, sometimes I'll fake a ship. I
used to all the time at work, and well I work, for sure,
but I don't mean at home because now home is work because I'm a
child. Yeah. Yeah, So it's kind of the same thing where you're
like, uh, you need twenty minutes in the bathroom, and I just
run to the bathroom like I ain't a masic food pooping on company time,
Yeah exactly. Well, you know it's actually awful is when she's not home
and I actually do have to shit, Like I can just get kicked in
the stomach and I just do you have to bring the baby in? Yep,
you're just shitting in front of your baby. Yep. It's called trauma.
Brother. I literally I'll give him my phone and I'll like play with
this and sometimes I'll just try to release turn them away from you. There's
no turning anything. He can walk. Yeah, he turned the baby around.
He turns back around. He's not making memories yet. Is he in
the is in the pool but he's jumping in. No, he's just he's
fascinated. He will come up to me and try to like grab my knee,
or he'll sometimes he'll be like Hey, hey, like pick me up,
and I'll be like, I can't do that right now. These are
things more points in the con side for having a child. Yeah, you
don't want to poop in front of your baby. I have one. I
don't have to think about it. It's the best. Kids are the best.
Not pooping Frene, baby's best, but kids the best. It's the
greatest lie every parent tells, isn't it. Actually that's the number one reason
I have a kid, Rob said, because he gets the poop in front
of them. Yeah, finally I get to shit in front of a kid.
One out seat guy likes shit in public too. Huh. We're learning
a lot today. Anyway. If you think that was the peak of that
review, it gets weirder. This is a disagreeable circumstance to those who may
wish to not till in vain. If you're trying to get the hooker pregnant,
right, what fuck? Trying to get the hooker pregnant? Listen,
Sometimes, especially back then, some of these guys, you know, they
didn't have a whole lot of luck, and if they could find a woman
that would sleep, a working woman, even though they have to pay,
they can lock that down and then let her keep working. There was a
missus in here not too long. Yeah. No, maybe they're just trying
to like, no, I can get you out of this life. I
can rescue you. Let me save you girl, save your complex. It's
not new like forget. And by the way, this isn't like it you
gross? You want to get that type of woman pregnant? It's say,
the whole point of fucking a hooker if you fuck the hooker and then cut
ties immediately. Wow, how presumptuous of you, Rob, Rob Tell that
to Jesus Christ. Did he fuck Mary Magalan for sure? Well? He
had a kid with her allegedly, Yeah, according to Dan Brown, so
he got a hooker pregnant. Yeah, but she stopped hooking because of him,
all right, And I guess he died and went to heaven. He
kind of ran out of his family. Bad dad. Yeah, I gotta
go. Yeah, Jesus not around for his son. It's like if I've
abounded my boy. The modern version of that, it is like a rich
guy getting a Christ J. J. Christ. The modern version of that
is like a rich guy getting a hooker pregnant and then his dad just like,
I don't know flies him on a PJ to Abiza. Yeah, it's
like, listen, dude, you're an next pat now. Yeah, yeah,
I respect it, um, but it keeps going yep. But to
others who would prefer the pleasure of the sorry, but to others who would
prefer the pleasure without the expensive consequences, which should be fucking everybody. Yeah,
sure she is the most desirable as they are, sure that all that,
all who bathe in her Castilian spring will be overwhelmed with a flood of
delight, so she'll blast out all your normal people's is no problem. Castilian
spring is great. Ye. Next up we have miss Wilkinson. We're just
gonna get straight to the vagina stuff on this one. Cool cool. Next,
take a view of nature centrally. No folding lapel, no gaping orifice,
no horrid golf is here, but the loving lips tenderly kiss each other
and shelter from the cold. A small but easily stretched passage not done whose
depth none but the blind boy has liberty to fathom. So you have to
be words. You essentially have to be the only way you can understand how
deeper pussy is is to be blind and live in eternal darkness? What do
you even do with that? Like? Is this a pro? I get
fucking yeah? Divon end, dude, spur lunkin. Now, do you
like a deep vagina dan? Um? No, because I'm not working with
a whole lot, you know, Yeah, so I need it to be
pretty shallow. Bit of a Tunican. Tunican dan is what they called me.
I also want to know, like what horrid golf means here, because
we're talking about eighteenth century vaginas. We're talking about seventeen hundreds of vaginas.
What's bad for a seventeen hundreds vaginas? Oh? Man, it's got to
be a war zone down there. It's it's like, I don't think we
have any room to judge. It's a landfi with everything We've already said.
We don't slut shame here, We don't. Absolutely, I'm not. Look,
they were dealing with what they had to work with, yeah, and
we don't want to except for the French chip who washed everything, So they
kind of weren't dealing with everything we had to work with. We don't want
to talk unkindly about the dead, but you know what it was, it
was probably likely it was an RB sandwich you have. I don't think anyone
smelled or looked good. Nah, but there was no I mean for the
time, but even for the time, there's probably people that smell terrible.
Everything's relative, is what you're trying to say. Yeah. They ended with
a little more of vagina talk between the tempting lips. The coral headed tip
stands sentinel. So coral headed tip is a dickhead or that's a or or
that's a clip, and I couldn't tell which one. Coral headed tip stands
sentinel between the ten lips. The coral headed tip stands sentinel. That's that's
definitely penis. Coral sounds like a penis, right, yeah, coral,
Like I checked my penis after reading that, you're like, that's definitely coral.
It's coral colored. Yeah, give a coral colored little ring, coral
cut, coral colored, it's caramel car he's Portuguese jew man. Yeah,
I forgot sheltered by a raven colored bush. So a nice black bush,
h quote the raven of them all and for one half guinea conduct the well
erected friend safe into port So pretty cheap and not bad. I guess.
Next up we had missed Noble, who was a blowjob expert. Oh,
I was wondering when this was gonna come up, actually, because it was
like, is this happening at this time? First woman to ever use the
mouth? Yeah, he's like, oh no, oh, I was thinking,
what if, oh, number three year, there's gotta we gotta do
an episode in the history of a blow job, right, like, who's
the first? It's gotta be out there, it's not. It predates writing
by probably one hundred thousand years. Yeah, you gotta think before we were
even like farming, that was happening some chimpanzees who blow each other but almost
chimps. It just feels good, dude, Okay, yeah, you think
they didn't figure that out intermediately? We were blowing each other before we're human
beings. That's actually what evobed us. Probably better ways to blow each other.
I guarantee evolution. People are like, oh, evolution happens, because
this isn't that a lot of times I think evolution happens for really stupid reasons
all the time. Yeah, And I assume we're going to hit a wave
of that at some point. I'll be dead, but it'll happen like sooner
rather later. Have you seen your child, It's already happened. Look at
his head. His head is well shaped, sir, A little off still
oh off? Tick a look, how would you know you weren't at his
birthday party? Yeah, dick, that's true, you would know better.
He's in the bathroom when you shit. He is often every parent, so
you're probably getting like a good view two of his head. Just you're down
lower. I'm down lower than my child who you're shitting, But you're kind
of like on his level because you're you're sitting down. I'm like still two
feet above him. He's been a man. He's like this big. He
like comes up my fucking knee. Yeah. By the way, every parent
listening to this is like, yeah, shit in the same room as my
one. That's all our fucking app mentions are gonna be after this episode is
like, I actually I do agree with Rob. Staying with Rob. So
the blowjob queen here, Miss Nobel. Her tongue has a double charm,
both when speaking and when silent. For the tip of it, properly applied,
can talk eloquently to the heart whilst no sound pervades the ear and sends
such feelings to the central spot that immediately demands the more noble weapon to close
the melting scene. So melting scene means blast off. It's fucking come come
your come, come your come out of your penis hole. Thank you,
come here, come out of your penis. Well, gout it, man,
I'm glad you laid it out for me that way. I didn't get
it from the first part. Yeah. I try to put in twenty first
century terms. I try to juxtapose how we speak with you busting a no
cab for real, get out, shut up, dude, I should be
put out of your mouth. Blondie. Uh well, we're starting to get
some roots starting to grow back, Yeah a little bit. Yeah, looking
less and less like a die hard villain every day, which is sad.
I'm keep it up. Get a touch up, man, have Jesse to
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book that could have used Honey. Next up, we have what I think
is a black prostitute impetuous flood of longing, expected rapture. She is a
charming black beauty. I don't know what else I could mean, because they
talk about black hair on a lot of these women, and they never say
that, yeah, it's it's definitely. Maybe her heart is black. I
don't think so, because she sounds nice, Okay, like she sounds I'll
hear her out like a good hooker. But I don't know, I don't
know. I'm this is a full guest ring. I mean it's pretty I
think that's pretty straightforward. And there is something later in another review that will
make it make this seem more likely that it's she's like though, she's very
fond of U. Noun substantiative. I don't know what that means. Fucking
uh that can stand by itself. Oh it means dick. Sorry, Yeah,
so she's yeah, she's found of dick. I actually wonder if she
needs a big dick. So I think that they left this in here and
forgot to, like they're like, oh, think of something for dick.
Oh like noun substantial, that's like the filler. Yeah, yeah, they
put in like blah blah blah. Yeah, put in the rest later,
and they just forgot. They just forgot. But that's actually that's actually a
good euphemism in ite of itself. It really is. Yeah, but I
kind of think the publishers just forgot to say something fancy for dick. H
boner or whatever. Uh. Yeah, she loves to make it fall,
and indeed the stoutest man cannot stand long before her. Many a fine weapon.
She has made a beer hanger and the most stubborn steel hath melted in
her sheath. You won't last so long, bro Yep, She's gonna make
you come real fucking fast. Damn. All right, how long are you
gonna last? In? All right? Well, clearly not very the best
swordsman being melted like a like a just a blacksmith taking find a sword.
So let's say that the average guy goes a hot one minute with her,
Missy Elliott, What are you doing in comparison to these seventeen eighty eight man?
Probably better? Honestly, yeah, do you do it much better than
like a seventeen hundred man? Do you think she? Are you? Though?
They might be fucking like wild? No? I don't know. I
think we underestimate the past. I think the so people always say the winners,
right history, right, yeah, sure, but there's no winners in
this situation. And what's being written here or what was being written about this
time wasn't necessarily well, it was written by the winners. It was written
by the upper class, right, So they want to they want to present
a certain view to you that things were prim and proper and whatever, and
they didn't really care about these fucking mud people. I've already been self deprecating
about the size. I can't double down, you can't go time. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, that's that's just too cliche. Hard to get overwhelmed
when barely anything's in there exactly, like, no, I'm going in an
hour, all right. Yeah. But I think I think when we talk
about history have been written by the winners. It's not just about oh,
they won the war, so they write the history. It's about the upper
class for a lot of history was the only one that can fucking right.
So they write the history, and they want to project themselves certain ways.
Yeah, it's about perspective more than anything. Yeah, and they're gonna ignore
essentially these mud people, even these like middle lower middle class people that honestly,
it sounds like they're fucking constantly. Yeah, yeah, it's every night.
What else are you gonna do? It's an easy get Yeah. It
sounds like it's easier to get laid here than it is to the state school
because no one's fucking rob no one wants to fuck anymore. Kids aren't fucking
anymore. They're so lazy, we're not reproducing. That's the same, right,
good kids, good less less humans. It's better for the planet or
something. No, I don't give a shit about that. More resources for
me, baby. Uh they go on, Yet no one complains, but
rather rejoices at the debility she produces and wishes for repetition, which she enjoys
with a go peculiar to herself and is possessed of every amorous means to produce
it, and she is of every luscious one to destroy it. Uh so
she just fucks real good again. Essentially, there's all these just flowery paragraphs.
It's like, yeah, but she's just like, no, just a
good. It would be a boring book if it only said that. That's
why they do it. Yeah, this one fuck good. This one through,
it's more of a pamphlet. Yeah, it's way What was that hooker
website we went to? Probably back page was then of a backpage or something
like that, like her page one day. It's fucking weird. I know
they shut that down there past me, No either of you. No,
no, I would legally well not married now, but like I would be
down like an answer Damn's red lights like next week you probably right, Yeah,
I was good an answer damn for a show when I win the Powerball.
It's not cheating. If you're a billionaire, nothing is. You can
give your wife a good severance. Let's go. She listen, that's fine,
right, didn't you see her? But I think her dad is.
But if you win the Powerball, you're not staying together. Yeah, yeah,
it's kind of irresponsible. You mean, what do you mean? What
do I mean? I can't do that to my child? A little bud,
I would say with my wife if I win the Powerball? What,
don't be a liar, I'm not lying. Shut up. I mean she
could have a pool boy, Like, yeah, yeah, that's really the
situation. Yeah, that's all right, if you have kind of a handshake
agreement. Yeah, I think that's more the more likely situation. But I
like that you said she has the pool boy and you have nothing after you
win the power Ball. I'm self loss. You're like, yes, she
my my wife's husband. I want to say what I would say? What
I said a ross before he left here. I was like, the thing
you would have to worry about for the Powerball for me is you have to
make sure I don't die the minute I find out I win the Powerball,
because I would be very out of all the people here. I might be
the first one to die if if I win the Powerball, just pure like
I have a heart attack, just like party mode. I'd be like whoa
Like would I get sober because I wouldn't want to die because I have all
this money with my luck. I said this before before the show. But
I would have the ticket, the winning ticket in my tra fucking it would
be smashed and broken into and they would take that and I'd had to go
to court with a man who robbed me yep, pretty much, and you
wouldn't be able to prove it. No, and he'd be a billionaire and
he wouldn't even pay for my window. Nope. Yeah, Like, shut
up, poor, you'd be five dollars out of lug. Yeah. Well,
and actually I forgot your happens every year. It happens every days.
Next step, we have miss ward. Um. Not a great review on
this one. Oh, Like I said, they don't get great reviews on
everybody. She is so not the inspiration for maitland Ward. Maybe maybe it's
her descendant or her ancestor. I checked out some of her work after she
came on the show. Pretty good, She's enthusiastic, she's yeah, like
not you know, I'm not the best looking, but like I like a
girl. I think porn really comes down to like how into it are you?
That's more important selling it, And that's what she was saying on the
show. The way was like, it's not just about like what you look
like. Well, she was talking about like story and something. I know.
I agree with that though. I think that's but it's like hearing an
It's like hearing an actor and be like you gotta find like where they're from
and blah blah blah. And it's like you to play in Lincoln, just
do a Lincoln impression, right, And that's what you think because you can't
act, but the actor needs to give me a fucking psycho about it to
be a good actor. Yes, so she's same way, oh porn actor.
But then when you hear her, it is what is every actor sounds
like an asshole. I don't know, uh, miss Ward. She is
really a delicious piece and her terra incognita is so very agreeable to every traveler
therein that it hath it hath ceased to deserve that name. So the her
vagina can no longer be called Tara incognita because so many people have fucked her,
it has become well known and a much frequented country, freely taking in
the stranger. So even for a prostitute, she's sucked a lot of fucking
guys. Yikes, she's a floozie for a prostitute. I guess she's a
horse whrror. You know, but this is the really liked your favorite horse
favorite horror. It's it's a comics, it's comedians, comedian you know,
it's a horse whrror. I mean she must be good looking, then no,
if she's getting a lot of business, that's not what they it's well,
they just say she'll take anybody. Can hookers deny people? Yes,
yes, well yeah, but like if they're gonna pay the right price,
it depends on the person. And we'll talk about that. I didn't realize
we'll get to that. They had. Imagine getting denied by a hooker.
It's pretty low. Yeah, probably happened back day for you. It probably
happens a lot, a lot. It probably happened all the fu time.
I would imagine. It's like you to think, man, like most you'll
call I don't know how many dudes are going to hookers and stuff, but
like run in the middle guy's probably not going so you gotta think, like
now you're getting like lower quarters higher. It's either gonna be high end businessmen
or low end dudes who can't get laid right, And the high end dudes
who are super businessmen probably aren't that great either they're working so much or probably
a little. Right. I imagine hygiene's a big problem for a lot of
these chicks. So they're probably no, you stink, bro, Yeah it
doesn't matter. I don't. It's not like, yeah, you can get
whatever money you want and walk into a you know, like a fucking McDonald's
and buy fifty dollars worth McDonald's. But you can't just have fifty dollars and
walk up from a prostitute and be like, I have this, gimme.
Yeah, it's not They do their own quality check, right, Like no,
no, there's nance to that in your pants. Yeah, I'm not
gonna fuck you. Ohough, that'd be sick if you went to McDonald's and
they didn't do I mean, they can also do that, they're just less
like flea to do that. It's like we're making an he's in his car,
what's the worst he can smell like you know, but versus like,
oh, I have to let you inside of me. Yeah, there's gonna
be some ground rules. There's some nuance to this ship. It's not just
give me money get in. Yeah, you know, right, But you
go to McDonald's like, no, we're cutting you off. I'd be insane.
I mean an even lower point, to be quite, that would be
lower. Yeah, I'm being rejected by a process understandable for many reasons.
But yeah, that's actually pretty bad. Like we're not gonna feed you.
I mean you had enough? Like no, I'm not gonna fuck you is
a sentence most people here. Everyone everyone's heard. But I'm not gonna feed
you. Is you hear that? Less? Like you don't need this?
Yeah? Uh so that's a pretty bad start. The review doesn't get better.
Okay, she does not pretend to restore sight for the blood. She
does not pretend to restore sight to the blind. She'll place but she will
place him in such a direction that he cannot mistake the way. So she's
not a good lay but you know what you gotta do. But she gets
the job done right, Like she's not gonna blow your mind, but you'll
come yeah, okay, you'll finish, Miss Simms. By the way,
they're running out of ways to describe and or com just getting tired Gina at
this point. Yeah, we hear her. Low countries are far from being
capacious, but like a well made boot, it fits well, is drawn
on the leg with some difficulty, and fits so close as to give great
pleasure to the wearer. Okay, so she's tight tight. It is about
two years since her boot has been accustomed to wear legs in, and though
it has been often sold and sold, it has to wear out. So
it's been a while since she's she's been fucking for two years, but still
tight. So she is a cock cobbler, cock cobbler, cobbler, cobbler.
Yeah, that's what he said. That's why it was funny they to
fit, all right. Just comparing a vagina to a boot is not the
best. It's a lot and that's what I'm saying. Like they're running out
of euphemism at this point. Yeah, I would push back on that.
If you're a bootsman, that's actually probably if they're making like, well,
the vagina fits on your dick so well like a boot handmaid. All right,
Miss Betsy Clark, the common destroyer of beauty, has made few dells
on the face of this fair jewess. Oh, one of the tribe.
Let's go. But a pair of pretty dimples makes ample amends and quite over
the balance, quite overbalances these trifling imperfections. So she get a little bit
of acne and she's a jew but she's still pretty cool. Well, your
tribe should match your vibe. What I missed? It tired? It's okay,
it happens. It's been a long day. Yeah, uh, miss
Coop. Strange it is, but no less strange than true that Englishmen in
general have a great ish for variety. But according to our promissory note in
the preface, we here present them with one of the finest, fattest figures,
as fully finished for fun and frolic, as fertile fancy, ever formed,
fraught with ever melting charms. Okay, stop, she's fat. This
is too much alliteration. I fucking know that's insane. Starts to get bananas
you start reading. That's like doctor Seuss wrote that Hooker review, fut and
fun and fuck off dude and fun and fanciful and for fluffy and like yeah,
stop stop it's absurd. That's where I think, Yeah, these people
had to be like, just tell me where to fucking vajoina is care about
your pottery all to tell me where I can fucking come? Green eggs and
ham might have actually just been played your eyes from this. It really if
if a vagina in this book was described as green eggs and ham, would
it would you be surprised at all? At first? At first you deny
it, but then when you try it you like it. Yeah, yeah,
it's some moral of the story. Try it first, man, Now
you get into Yeah, we're almost there that like, just we're like ten
pages deep, dude, all right, I'll get it. I would do
like two more, Okay, Miss Nancy Davos. She has a tolerable pretty
mouth. We wish we could say the same, or we wish we could
pay her teeth the same compliment. Oh no, girl, that mouse she
thinks serves as an index to the cousin below. That's her pussy. Uh.
To be sure, she has learned the wriggling part of pleasing and would
willingly make her gentleman believe when in the heat blah blah. She's got a
pretty used up pussy, but she knows how to use it. Okay,
uh she little teethe, bad teeth. But like with the blow jobs,
I think they would have said something about that. Okay, in a long
pros most likely Oh yeah, uh here is my favor. Let me find
the one I can listen to you honestly, like, there's gotta be one
though that's just caught your eye. There is one in particular where oh yeah,
here we go. All right, so I'll just this is my last
one. Okay. I think that if it's your favorite, I think that's
how we should my law. It's just funny because if you're with this hooker
and you get charged a certain way, oh it says says something value.
Yeah, yeah, um, this is miss Corbett. So she's just given
out potentially like Podrick rides. Oh pod the god God. Yeah that's two
Lane Street, you know what I mean? Yeah, miss Corbett. Some
girls have been debauched by delusive arts and under promises of marriage, and others
have commenced harlots through want, but neither of these motives actuated this lady's principles.
It was mere lewdness that overpowered all nature's works and stamped the principles of
conjunction and copulation at a very early period. When air twelve summers AKA when
she was twelve had warmed her consultation, she learned the use of different machines
and felt the effects of friction as soon as she had any genital fluid within
her. Oh gross, who first stamped her virgin mold? We are at
a loss to tell. We don't know who banged the twelve year old.
Yeah, but from the luxuriance of the present soil, guess it was broke
open at an early period. So she's a little used up. So that's
exactly what it sounds like. Yeah, she uh, I don't know,
she's a child puberty early, got horny early, was in some sort of
sexual situation, consensual or non consensual. I do not know. Yeah,
it's probably the ladder, right, Yeah, probably the ladder. And she
got fucked real young again, whether consentially or not. I don't know how.
How does she hear the review a couple of years older? But don't
feel great about this? Here's the good part, okay. In regard to
price, she has one fixed rule. She always measures a gentleman's may pull
by a standard of nine inches and expects a guinea for every inch it is
short of full measure. Wow. So if yo dick, you got to
pay extract. But if it is nine nine or above, or if it's
ten eleven, yeah, she's paying you. Yeah, she's knocking it off.
I hope. So okay, I kind of respect. I feel like
that's a fucking that's a big ask, Like that's a pretty like so for
what it's worth with that nine inches then isn't nine inches now? Inches have
been changed changed, But essentially what she's saying is for if your dick doesn't
mean a certain size, it drop below that size, it costs more.
So she's I'm not having fun, she's she's a side queen. Yeah,
she's price fixing. She's dick fixing, brom Can you imagine the indignity?
What would you do if they're like, yeah, I know it's it's normally
a thousand, but you're twelve hundred. That means it's only two inches shorter
right than nine? Well? No, well nine seventeen eighty eight inches.
That might be six to five inches for all we know. No, well,
I think we're good. That mind's about cell phone size. Cell phone,
Yeah, gotta measure it okay, but yeah, that one was especially
like, man, you have to be like almost brave to fuck her.
Like it's almost like the It's almost like a carnival challenge. It's like I
think I can make the bill ring, you know, if I hit this
thing or enough or like if you know, like I'm strong enough, like
you going. It's like, man, she charged me more. God damn
it, the game was rigged. I think the game is rigged by the
way from the start where she measure from right, because in my experience,
you have to take the ruler and push it as hard and as you can
your pelvis yep, until you're basically bleeding. You have to measure from the
top touching bone. I typically go from my asshole. Yeah yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, which which is fair as well. That's European measurement
mainland, right, you know it varies with country. Yeah. Um,
it's like shoe sizes like in China, it's it's different size, like a
men's ten is not the same. No, it's not. What did you
guys learn today? You're your foot guy? Bro? Yeah, you're a
foot guy. You're also h I feel like you probably brate your wife for
not keeping up a certain standard a foot foot in hand. Yeah, I
like it, like you're off the turtles doown you like you like? Pause?
Bro, I like hand the softest turtles down digits in the mits.
Then did you learn anybot history today? Oh? Yeah, we've always had
a backpage. This isn't a back page. That's actually a review site,
which there are also those. This is its own thing. Yeah, we're
a little too flowery with our smart and yeah, I agree with that.
I can't imagine a drunk person having to flip through this, I know,
because these people are kind of drunk when they're doing it. Like, this
has to be four I imagine this might be four upper class people too,
says it's four middle class people, but middle classes. Yeah, but I
think it's for upper class people to go. Guy's not getting off the docks
and writing this. Nor could they afford it to be about could they be
twenty dollars today for what they charged back then? Nor could they read it?
But it was middle class, like middle class feel could afford it?
Okay, fair enough. So if you're like, uh, to give an
example that people would understand, Um, if you're Bob crash it right,
you don't own the business. But you are an accountant at the at at
Scrooge's business, you could afford this. Yeah, and I guess like you're
taking the you're biting the bullet on this twenty dollars book so that you don't
waste money later on exactly. So he's getting a prostitute instead of paying for
tiny ten. Yes, you get the surgery. Yes, what surgery?
What surgery? A foot? Yeah, they cut off his head and you
don't have a crippled kid anymore. That's true. Takes care of the problem.
I mean people, that's how they don't with shit like that back then.
I don't know what you want me to say. Hating the cure is
their problem? Yeah, Harry Christmas, who's today is hitler? Um trying
to think? I don't know if there is one. Yeah, these women
are offering a service to lonely men. I think the hitler is anyone that
is stealing from this last woman who has a dick over nine inches. So
there, so they're like, you gotta charged me less, No, she
got to pay them. Yeah, so she's hitler. No, they are.
If you have big dick dudes right there, hitler dance calling dudes with
big dicks Hitler Yeah, okay, um My Hitler would be probably I don't
have one the first time as a whole for you know, kind of looking
down. Do you have a Hitler? It's the judge that's setting someone that
wrote this to prison. Yeah, for you, that's bullshit. It's a
book, right, fucking free speech man, will you Nazi? That's my
pick? Right? Uh My Hitler is gross feet, Rob Fox, Jake
Coleman, I'm damnage Ester and you just got saficer