WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.280 --> 00:00:06.160 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand kf I AM six forty. 2 00:00:06.200 --> 00:00:09.359 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 3 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:12.720 I'm taking your calls and answering your social media questions. Reminder, I'm 4 00:00:12.759 --> 00:00:16.559 not a therapist. This is not mental health counseling. This is a little 5 00:00:16.600 --> 00:00:20.559 bit of wise wisdom from a woman who happens to have a PhD in clinical 6 00:00:20.640 --> 00:00:25.480 psychology. I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships and well, 7 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:28.760 I've had a lot of bad relationships in my life and I've learned a 8 00:00:28.760 --> 00:00:32.320 lot, so I'm happy to share my wisdom. If you'd like to call 9 00:00:32.359 --> 00:00:36.359 in, the number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. 10 00:00:36.759 --> 00:00:41.600 That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer, 11 00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.119 Kayla, Who do we have? First? We have best with the question 12 00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:50.359 best b e ss Bess, Hi, Bess. Hello, It's test with 13 00:00:50.679 --> 00:00:54.799 Okay, y with a C or a T? No? A T like 14 00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:59.200 is in Thomas? Oh like Tess? Tess? Yeah? Hi? Test? 15 00:00:59.479 --> 00:01:03.519 How are you do? I for what I'm going through? I am 16 00:01:03.560 --> 00:01:10.680 wonderful. Oh what are you going through? Love. I recently, within 17 00:01:10.799 --> 00:01:14.879 this last week, found out thesode gentlemen that I've been seeing for the last 18 00:01:14.959 --> 00:01:21.519 year has five other women on the string and one that he's been living with 19 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:27.400 for a long time. Oh that is heartbreaking. And I hope you heard 20 00:01:27.439 --> 00:01:33.799 the earlier segment where I told everybody it's not your fault. Okay, these 21 00:01:34.120 --> 00:01:37.400 I did not, but I know it's not. These men are sociopaths. 22 00:01:38.120 --> 00:01:41.319 The guy for those on Instagram, I just want to say, she's been 23 00:01:41.400 --> 00:01:44.000 dating a guy for more than a year and found out that he has five 24 00:01:44.040 --> 00:01:47.079 women on the string and one he's living with. You not test. My 25 00:01:47.159 --> 00:01:49.879 best friend years ago was dating a guy on and off for like eight or 26 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:53.680 nine years. Turns out he was living with another woman and having kids with 27 00:01:53.719 --> 00:01:59.439 her, and she never knew. Right, So it's not our fault, 28 00:01:59.799 --> 00:02:05.599 but going forward, it is our responsibility to set boundaries. So you do 29 00:02:05.719 --> 00:02:08.159 have to completely do no contact. You know that, right, And you're 30 00:02:08.159 --> 00:02:12.080 still going to feel a loss, even though you're mad at him, even 31 00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:15.000 though you hate him, You're still going to feel a loss. It's like 32 00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:19.319 Gangreene, that leg had to go, but it has to go. So 33 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:24.680 I want you to be strong, not talk to him again and not completely 34 00:02:24.759 --> 00:02:29.599 lose hope. That's the thing. We get jaded, and we get critical 35 00:02:29.639 --> 00:02:31.800 and cynical. I don't want that to happen to you, Tess. So 36 00:02:31.879 --> 00:02:36.520 next time around, I want you to open your heart and just be really 37 00:02:36.520 --> 00:02:40.199 observant of any little red flags. I'm so sorry that happened. Oh breaks 38 00:02:40.280 --> 00:02:43.960 my heart. I've been there though, I've been there. Okay, Producer, 39 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:46.599 Kayla, who do we have next? We have Jackie with the question 40 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:51.599 Jackie. Hello Jackie, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy, thank 41 00:02:51.639 --> 00:02:54.840 you for your time. I'm currently studying Chinese medicine and I was a sequel 42 00:02:54.919 --> 00:03:00.319 mother, and I am not in a pace for I can date right now. 43 00:03:00.360 --> 00:03:04.400 But I wondered if you had any advice for me. I have great 44 00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:07.879 advice for you. Yes, really great advice for you. So Jackie is 45 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:13.080 a single mother, she's in medical school, she's not in a place where 46 00:03:13.080 --> 00:03:15.599 she can date. But what is her advice? So I want to say 47 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:19.639 this, I was a single mother for eighteen years with little kids. I 48 00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:24.960 did not want to expose my girls to any bad romantic choice that I might 49 00:03:25.080 --> 00:03:30.240 make. So that's what I held in my heart is I don't want to 50 00:03:30.280 --> 00:03:32.000 do this to my girls, because I've picked some bad ones in the past 51 00:03:32.240 --> 00:03:36.919 and I don't want them around my kids. I also read a terrible statistic 52 00:03:37.240 --> 00:03:40.039 that said kids are most in danger when they're living in the home with an 53 00:03:40.120 --> 00:03:45.639 unbiologically related male mommy's boyfriend, husband, stepbrother, whatever. I was like, 54 00:03:45.759 --> 00:03:46.840 no, I got little girls. I don't want that to happen. 55 00:03:47.319 --> 00:03:53.280 But there are ways that you can get the benefits of single life without dating. 56 00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:55.479 For instance, for the touch, make sure you get regular massages, 57 00:03:55.479 --> 00:03:59.719 make sure you cuddle your kids, maybe get a pet to pet. For 58 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:03.479 the social support, I started cooking dinners on Sunday, where I'd invite any 59 00:04:03.479 --> 00:04:05.960 parents. I'd meet at the preschool, the elementary school, and I'd have 60 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:10.080 a kid's table. I'd say, you bring the wine, I'll bring them 61 00:04:10.080 --> 00:04:14.639 pasta, whatever. And I started inviting people being the host so that I 62 00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:18.160 had the social support. I had the village around me. When I would 63 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:21.199 meet men, I would say to them, listen, I'm a three pack. 64 00:04:21.319 --> 00:04:25.399 Here's the deal. I am not going to be entering into a relationship. 65 00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:28.680 If you did, oh, I won't lie to you. I did 66 00:04:28.720 --> 00:04:30.759 have some little romantic compartments on the side, but I didn't drag my kids 67 00:04:30.759 --> 00:04:33.720 through that. I remember years later, when my daughter was in her twenties, 68 00:04:33.720 --> 00:04:36.800 she's like, how did how would you said you dated so and so? 69 00:04:36.959 --> 00:04:40.759 How did you I'm like, you'll never know. Okay, you'll never 70 00:04:40.759 --> 00:04:44.240 know when or where or how I did it. But that's what you gotta 71 00:04:44.279 --> 00:04:48.120 do because you only have your kids for eighteen years, yet you're going to 72 00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:53.319 live for eighty so there are plenty of time to date other people. Jackie, 73 00:04:53.319 --> 00:04:56.360 I'm so glad you asked me that question. Okay, Producer Kayla, 74 00:04:56.399 --> 00:04:59.399 who do we have next? We have Sarah with the question. Sarah, 75 00:04:59.480 --> 00:05:03.680 Hi, Sarah, it's doctor Wendy. Hello, doctor, thank you for 76 00:05:03.720 --> 00:05:10.199 taking my call, my pleasure. What's your question? Love? Oh? 77 00:05:10.399 --> 00:05:15.279 I made a gentleman of um younger than me. He's attorney professional and I 78 00:05:15.360 --> 00:05:21.920 am my own my own business and UM well educated. Ask for as me 79 00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:29.920 and him is educated? And how many years younger? How old is he 80 00:05:30.879 --> 00:05:36.720 Katie Speman? And how old are you? Sixty two? Uh huh? 81 00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:40.959 So what's your what's your plan? What are you looking for? Do you 82 00:05:41.120 --> 00:05:45.879 do you either of you have kids? Um? On my kids is grown 83 00:05:45.959 --> 00:05:49.480 up, your kids are grown up? And yeah, m hmmm, and 84 00:05:49.959 --> 00:05:55.160 does he have kids? Mutual attraction? I'm sorry, does he have kids? 85 00:05:57.000 --> 00:06:01.360 No? No, no? Does he want kids? I didn't ask 86 00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:05.600 and we just had dinners twice. That's a big question. And I'll tell 87 00:06:05.639 --> 00:06:12.079 you why. I have no problem with May December relationships. The age is 88 00:06:12.079 --> 00:06:15.720 nothing but a number. However, reproduction is often urgent, no matter what 89 00:06:15.839 --> 00:06:19.600 your gender. So if he's thirty seven years old and has no kids and 90 00:06:19.639 --> 00:06:24.680 says he wants a family, you're like setting yourself up for heartbreak. On 91 00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:29.000 the other hand, there's that wonderful documentary online right now of Mary Tyler Moore 92 00:06:29.399 --> 00:06:33.360 and in her sixties she met a guy who was a very young doctor and 93 00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:38.879 it is like late twenties and they were together until she passed away and had 94 00:06:38.920 --> 00:06:44.279 a wonderful love relationship. So again you want to talk about stage of life. 95 00:06:44.399 --> 00:06:47.639 And I also want to remind you this, even though he's younger and 96 00:06:47.759 --> 00:06:53.800 has a career, you actually have more power because the older person in every 97 00:06:54.360 --> 00:07:00.279 age difference relationship has more wisdom and more life experience. So I say, 98 00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:03.000 go for it, but ask all the right questions so you're not just setting 99 00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:06.959 yourself up for heartbreak. I mean, why not thirty seven years old? 100 00:07:08.360 --> 00:07:11.839 You can go for it all right? Do we have somebody else's should go 101 00:07:11.879 --> 00:07:14.439 to social media? Oh? Of course we have people we got We asked 102 00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:20.720 Shirley with a question. Surely, Hi, surely it's doctor Wendy him. 103 00:07:21.519 --> 00:07:27.759 Yes, doctor Wendy. I have a question. My ex husband and I 104 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:32.480 have been divorced for about thirty five years, and we came back in contact 105 00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:35.759 with each other a year ago because our son passed away. Oh my god, 106 00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:42.480 I'm so sorry, thank you. And so I've been single for seventeen 107 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:46.079 years. He's been single for about eight years his wife passed away, and 108 00:07:47.120 --> 00:07:50.879 I kind of think we might be forming a connection. But I'm not sure, 109 00:07:50.920 --> 00:07:55.079 and I don't know. I don't want to blow it. But how 110 00:07:55.120 --> 00:08:01.519 do I How could you blow it? Well? I could say something to 111 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:05.879 him, like, for instance, they're having a birthday party at my daughter's 112 00:08:05.879 --> 00:08:09.759 house and he lives in to Mexico and I live in Oklahoma, and he 113 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:13.439 was telling my daughter he wants to come to the party. Well that kind 114 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:20.839 of makes me feel like that maybe maybe if I say something like I want 115 00:08:20.839 --> 00:08:24.360 you to come, I'm fraid I'm gonna be too forward. Oh, so 116 00:08:24.519 --> 00:08:28.120 here's how you get around that. Okay, So first of all, you 117 00:08:28.160 --> 00:08:31.879 can say you're welcome to come, which is very different than I want you 118 00:08:31.960 --> 00:08:37.480 to come, right, ok Yeah, you're welcome to come. Just want 119 00:08:37.480 --> 00:08:41.559 to make you know. Our daughter mentioned that you're interested in coming. I 120 00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:45.039 want you to know you're welcome to come, and that sounds like a family 121 00:08:45.080 --> 00:08:48.919 invitation. You know, It's really common for people who have been separated for 122 00:08:48.960 --> 00:08:52.320 a long time to come together over grief. I've even known of couples who, 123 00:08:52.720 --> 00:08:56.879 you know, fought so much during the early years of raising the kids 124 00:08:56.879 --> 00:08:58.200 they couldn't stand each other, and then the kids grew up and they went 125 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:03.279 back and got married because what they had was the love affair at the beginning. 126 00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:07.759 That all came later. So I think I wouldn't worry too much. 127 00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:11.559 I think I would just um, you know, allow the circumstances. In 128 00:09:11.559 --> 00:09:16.679 other words, allow him to show up. Don't be too forward, and 129 00:09:16.799 --> 00:09:20.279 don't be too you know, pulling back, and just see what happens. 130 00:09:20.320 --> 00:09:26.480 I mean, you're both grieving right now, and that you're grieving over the 131 00:09:26.559 --> 00:09:31.080 loss of somebody that both of you have invested in that both of you care 132 00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:37.279 about, and so it's so understandable that it can be confusing that your feelings 133 00:09:37.279 --> 00:09:43.240 of sadness bringing the two of you together. But let happen what is meant 134 00:09:43.279 --> 00:09:46.879 to happen, and maybe there's going to be love there, maybe not, 135 00:09:48.440 --> 00:09:52.360 but we have to stay in the land of unknowing in order for love to 136 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:56.039 grow. I'm so sorry about your loss, surely, but I'm so happy 137 00:09:56.120 --> 00:10:01.159 to hear that you've rekindled this connection. I love family. Thank you so 138 00:10:01.240 --> 00:10:05.440 much for calling, and if you would like to call, the number is 139 00:10:05.480 --> 00:10:11.200 one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred 140 00:10:11.639 --> 00:10:15.960 five two zero one. KFI you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show 141 00:10:16.080 --> 00:10:20.080 on kf I AM six forty Ever live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're 142 00:10:20.159 --> 00:10:26.399 listening to kf I AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty you have 143 00:10:26.440 --> 00:10:30.559 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm 144 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:35.039 doing my drive by makeshift relationship advice. I'm happy to take your calls and 145 00:10:35.240 --> 00:10:39.639 personally way in on what I think you should do. All right, who 146 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:41.919 do we have on the line. We have Mike with the question. Okay, 147 00:10:43.000 --> 00:10:48.600 Hi Mike, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. So I've 148 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:54.799 been married to my wife for twenty years. About a year ago, she 149 00:10:56.440 --> 00:10:58.840 was a really nar she was an narcissist for twenty years, belittle me, 150 00:11:00.320 --> 00:11:03.600 furate me, and insult me in front of her family, just terribly, 151 00:11:03.799 --> 00:11:09.720 terribly. About a year ago, I said, you know, I'm done, 152 00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:13.559 I'm leaving. She came and said, I'm going to change, and 153 00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:20.080 she did Wow, except I am now, I am not in it anymore. 154 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:22.279 That that day was the day the music died for me. And I'm 155 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:28.279 not happy. Even though she's changed, I can't find the catalyst to leave, 156 00:11:28.720 --> 00:11:33.240 and I'm unhappy. It's so interesting because you know, when I was 157 00:11:33.399 --> 00:11:41.120 in therapist school, if you will graduate school, I remember a teacher saying 158 00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:45.559 to me what a therapist should be asking in the back of their head when 159 00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:50.840 somebody presents some kind of problem is what is the function of the dysfunction? 160 00:11:52.559 --> 00:11:56.440 And so that's the question I would ask you that if we could say the 161 00:11:56.519 --> 00:12:01.960 dysfunction in the situation, Mike, is that she constantly nagged you and belittled 162 00:12:01.000 --> 00:12:07.240 you and you hated it, but you hated it for twenty years, so 163 00:12:07.279 --> 00:12:11.759 it served a function in some way. Then, according to you, she 164 00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:16.559 cleaned up her act. She's no longer critical, she's a nice person. 165 00:12:16.120 --> 00:12:20.720 You've lost attraction for her, do you see what I mean? Right? 166 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:26.799 So I would say that this is a great opportunity for not necessarily couples therapy, 167 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:31.559 but individual therapy, for you to go figure out what was it that 168 00:12:31.679 --> 00:12:35.840 kept you attached for twenty years to somebody who treated you badly. Now it 169 00:12:35.840 --> 00:12:41.519 could be that at this point she's gotten kind, but it's too little, 170 00:12:41.559 --> 00:12:43.320 too late. In other words, you're like, there, I don't really 171 00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:46.000 believe it. I don't trust it. I know the real you. It's 172 00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:50.600 happened twenty years. That may be what you're feeling, or it may be 173 00:12:50.759 --> 00:12:54.320 something else entirely, maybe that you need someone nagging you because for some reason, 174 00:12:54.919 --> 00:12:58.399 that feels like love, that feels familiar, even though you hate it. 175 00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:03.440 See, that's the thing. Our models for love are created in our 176 00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:09.799 early life, and sometimes we will go into these relationships that remind us of 177 00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:13.159 our nagging mother or our abusive father, and we hate it and we don't 178 00:13:13.159 --> 00:13:18.559 like it, but it's what we know, and we get attached that way. 179 00:13:18.200 --> 00:13:24.200 So I really highly recommend that you try some individual therapy before you jump, 180 00:13:24.519 --> 00:13:28.600 before you make this decision to leave your marriage. But thanks for calling, 181 00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:31.240 Mike. I really appreciate it. I know it's quite a dilemma, 182 00:13:31.720 --> 00:13:35.639 all right, Producer, Kayla or Christina? Who do we have? We 183 00:13:35.720 --> 00:13:39.480 have Diana with the question. Diana, Hi, Diana, it's doctor Wendy 184 00:13:41.799 --> 00:13:43.960 Hid. It's so good to hear you. I'm a big fan of yours. 185 00:13:43.960 --> 00:13:50.720 Oh thank you. Yeah. So I'm calling from New York and I'm 186 00:13:50.759 --> 00:13:54.799 on evenly by the way from Europe. So but just okay, it does 187 00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:58.320 maybe really matter. So the question is I just explained that, you know, 188 00:13:58.399 --> 00:14:03.559 I'm dating someone. It's been one year and he makes significantly more than 189 00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:09.399 I do. Um. He also says I'm attective to successful women like all 190 00:14:09.440 --> 00:14:13.519 the time, you know, and he's been married before he was making like 191 00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:18.039 almost as much as he does, and yeah, it makes me feel insecure. 192 00:14:18.279 --> 00:14:24.879 So well, it sounds like it sounds like he might be making it 193 00:14:24.960 --> 00:14:30.200 an issue by making these comments about I usually date successful women. Is that? 194 00:14:30.240 --> 00:14:33.799 What is it when he says that that it brings these feelings of insecurity. 195 00:14:33.879 --> 00:14:37.000 Up now, I'm sorry. I think I didn't explain it. Okay, 196 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:41.679 So he said he actually didn't date successful women. It's actually was the 197 00:14:41.720 --> 00:14:46.279 opposite. However, he also says, I am attective to successful women, 198 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:50.799 and I know from his you know past, he's been married to like, 199 00:14:50.879 --> 00:14:54.120 you know, she was making pretty good money. So this is all coming 200 00:14:54.159 --> 00:14:58.320 from you. It's not like he's dangling it in front of you and I'm 201 00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:01.399 plying. Okay, So this makes it. This makes a difference. So 202 00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:07.360 I want to know, like, why you think you have less to give 203 00:15:07.440 --> 00:15:11.840 to the relationship, because, like who told you bringing money to the party 204 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:15.240 is the most important part of a love relationship? Where'd you learn that? 205 00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:20.600 Um? It just looks my life experience. Maybe I'm cynical. I think 206 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:26.159 that's kind of truth, But you know, I feel like around like people 207 00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:33.279 like break up because of this issue all the time. So in your mind, 208 00:15:33.559 --> 00:15:37.840 there's a rule that says that men and women must make the exact same 209 00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:41.639 amount of money, or the woman must make more to keep the man. 210 00:15:41.600 --> 00:15:46.000 Is that what you think? I'm just curious. Um, I just think 211 00:15:46.120 --> 00:15:50.720 that because it's faith. Even in friendship, there is only friendship if there 212 00:15:50.759 --> 00:15:56.440 is equality between two partners. Ah, I think there is no inequality. 213 00:15:56.559 --> 00:15:58.519 How is he even going to respect me? You know? Well, I 214 00:15:58.519 --> 00:16:03.840 think of a child. Here's what I want to share with you that financially 215 00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:11.000 finances are one way that you can examine a relationship. But a relationship is 216 00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:18.120 an exchange of care. That care can take many forms. It can be 217 00:16:18.279 --> 00:16:23.960 financial care, it can be sexual care. It can be domestic responsibility care. 218 00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:30.600 It can be emotional support care. It can be intellectual stimulation care. 219 00:16:30.159 --> 00:16:37.159 It can be childcare. What you are holding in your body is a womb 220 00:16:37.600 --> 00:16:41.759 and eggs that are far more valuable than any bank account. If you were 221 00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:47.440 to talk to an evolutionary psychologist, he would say or she would say, 222 00:16:47.720 --> 00:16:52.080 that men should have more money to impress a woman and keep her near because 223 00:16:52.080 --> 00:16:57.279 she's caring the most expensive thing that exists in the human species, which are 224 00:16:57.360 --> 00:17:03.960 human eggs. You know that. Could you imagine that your job was to 225 00:17:04.000 --> 00:17:11.599 go out and convince somebody to donate their body to you for nine months and 226 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:15.720 potentially even a high risk pregnancy that could kill them, and then devote eighteen 227 00:17:15.799 --> 00:17:21.640 years of their lives to raising your jeans. Guys have to think about that 228 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:26.720 every day. How are they going to get a woman to cooperate and you 229 00:17:27.519 --> 00:17:33.599 are feeling insecure. You're feeling insecure, Diana, like somehow you have you're 230 00:17:33.640 --> 00:17:37.480 bringing less to the party. You know, even if we're not talking about 231 00:17:37.480 --> 00:17:44.680 eggs, bringing kindness, bringing joy. You know, my sweet boyfriend Julio 232 00:17:44.880 --> 00:17:48.920 needs to eat more cooked tomatoes. For those who know about prostate males prostates, 233 00:17:48.160 --> 00:17:52.480 you'll understand what this is. More cooked tomatoes. So today he was 234 00:17:52.559 --> 00:17:56.079 out for a few hours. I made a giant, big pot of boulonnaise 235 00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:00.960 sauce. I put it all in a little tupperware containers in the freezer for 236 00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:03.599 him, so they can always have it to just warm up whenever he needs 237 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:07.319 it, whenever he needs a quick meal. That didn't cost me much money. 238 00:18:07.759 --> 00:18:10.440 I hope he didn't come home and say, whoa wait, I pay 239 00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:14.799 for an expensive dinner sometime. Where did you buy some Trader Joe's tomatoes? 240 00:18:15.160 --> 00:18:22.319 No? No, no. Relationships should never be about keeping score calculating money. 241 00:18:22.279 --> 00:18:29.079 They should be about caring for the other person, investing in the relationship, 242 00:18:29.799 --> 00:18:36.079 and knowing that you are good enough. You are good enough, Diana, 243 00:18:36.200 --> 00:18:41.599 Thanks for calling producer Kaylie. Do have time for one more or somebody, 244 00:18:41.640 --> 00:18:45.400 well, somebody just connected with somebody earlier. She had a question, 245 00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:48.400 and the question was Yeah. Julia's situation was that her husband is a cop 246 00:18:48.680 --> 00:18:52.839 and his whole life is private to her. She said that nothing is in 247 00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:56.559 her name and she doesn't work, so she's wondering what she can do now. 248 00:18:56.640 --> 00:18:59.559 She didn't sound too happy. Sounds like she's in a cult, not 249 00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:02.720 a cop. Yeah. I don't think it has to do necessarily with what 250 00:19:02.759 --> 00:19:06.319 he does for a living. It's control. He's trying to control and not 251 00:19:06.440 --> 00:19:11.079 share. And my answer would be why does she say there? So she's 252 00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:18.599 someone who is a victim of what we call financial abuse. Women who are 253 00:19:18.599 --> 00:19:22.000 not allowed to see the finances, have access to the bank accounts, have 254 00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:26.440 anything in their name, are being controlled. It's a form of stalking. 255 00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:30.480 It's a form of domestic violence. She should reach out to the National Domestic 256 00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:36.680 Violence Hotline. She should reach out to a therapist. It's not okay, 257 00:19:37.480 --> 00:19:41.480 wow, okay. When we come back, we're going to move from romantic 258 00:19:41.559 --> 00:19:47.400 love into something else. Do you have a young adult in your house who's 259 00:19:47.440 --> 00:19:51.000 failing to launch one of your kids. It's a big trend right now. 260 00:19:51.039 --> 00:19:53.240 We need to talk about this. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show 261 00:19:53.240 --> 00:19:57.279 and kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 262 00:19:57.799 --> 00:20:03.039 You're listening to kf I Am six forty on demand. I Am six forty. 263 00:20:03.119 --> 00:20:07.200 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh. This is the Doctor Andy Walsh Show. 264 00:20:07.200 --> 00:20:11.119 Okay, just between you and I had a thing with my just turned twenty 265 00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:15.240 year old daughter this week. I just feel like it's taking forever for her 266 00:20:15.279 --> 00:20:18.559 to launch. She's not you know, she has lots of learning differences. 267 00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:22.240 She's not college bound, and she had a I'm very proud of her. 268 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:26.559 She has a driver's lize, in's a car. She works. She's worked 269 00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:30.119 at a job for a year. But she had an extra little weekend job 270 00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:32.359 and she quit it. And that bothered me because I was just like, 271 00:20:33.400 --> 00:20:36.000 like when I was your age, I had fourteen jobs. I was trying 272 00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:37.039 to bank money so I can move and go out. She's like, I 273 00:20:37.079 --> 00:20:40.759 don't I don't actually want to leave you. I should take that as a 274 00:20:40.799 --> 00:20:45.920 compliment, shouldn't I She doesn't want to leave her mother. There is research 275 00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:55.160 to show that the generation emotionally most effective by COVID nineteen pandemic, the quarantine 276 00:20:55.160 --> 00:21:00.319 time. We're young adults, teenagers and young adults, because this the time 277 00:21:00.319 --> 00:21:03.240 they're supposed to be getting together in packs and finding each other, stepping stones 278 00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:07.400 away from their family of origin. But where were they. They were in 279 00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:11.240 their dark bedrooms on zoom and TikTok for two years. Okay, So it's 280 00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:15.079 like they missed two years of development. I'll tell you. I noticed it 281 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:18.640 when I got back in the university classroom. We had taught on zoom for 282 00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:22.440 a year and a half. The students came back and I have never seen 283 00:21:22.599 --> 00:21:26.400 so much social anxiety, so much nervousness. I put them in discussion groups 284 00:21:26.440 --> 00:21:30.039 to talk and solve some kind of question, and I go rove around the 285 00:21:30.119 --> 00:21:33.599 room and they're all staring at their phones. I'm just like, no, 286 00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:37.880 no, put the phones away. Let's debate this question. Let's talk about 287 00:21:37.880 --> 00:21:45.759 it. Okay. So I found a twenty twenty Pew research study. So 288 00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:49.559 this is really before the pandemic. So it was data from twenty nineteen that 289 00:21:49.680 --> 00:21:56.079 said that fifty two percent of eighteen through twenty nine year olds we're living at 290 00:21:56.119 --> 00:22:03.359 home with their parents, the highest person scentage since the Great Depression. I'll 291 00:22:03.400 --> 00:22:07.880 bet you that number is even higher now. So if you have a twenty 292 00:22:07.880 --> 00:22:10.359 two year old, twenty three year old, twenty five year old, twenty 293 00:22:10.400 --> 00:22:14.720 eight year old, twenty nine year old living in your house, you're still 294 00:22:14.759 --> 00:22:21.079 the majority now. When I was coming up, we all launched, grew 295 00:22:21.119 --> 00:22:25.880 our wings, flew from that nest. When we turned eighteen, my mom 296 00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:30.319 had a strategy, which was on our eighteenth birthday. She had two rules. 297 00:22:30.640 --> 00:22:33.880 If you were in school full time, you could live in her house 298 00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:37.160 for free. If you were not, you had to pay one hundred dollars 299 00:22:37.920 --> 00:22:41.839 back this long time ago, a one hundred dollars a month rent. Do 300 00:22:41.880 --> 00:22:48.799 you know how insulted I was to pay for laundry and food because I had 301 00:22:48.839 --> 00:22:52.200 gotten it for free my whole life. I swear I paid that girl rent 302 00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:55.279 one time, and I went and got roommates, and I was out right. 303 00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:59.079 I was done. So maybe I'm not as okay. So let's talk 304 00:22:59.119 --> 00:23:03.519 about what are the things that are helping some of our young adults fail to 305 00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:10.359 launch. Some of them just have poor self management skills, poor task initiation, 306 00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:15.640 poor emotional regulation. There is a lot of parental enablement going on you're 307 00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:22.000 listening. I'm talking to me. Look, it's it's never easy to see 308 00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:26.440 our kids struggle and tough. Love is hard to do, and then we 309 00:23:26.559 --> 00:23:30.559 live like what if they end up like homeless if we're too tough on them? 310 00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:33.680 Like where is that boundary? I had a conversation with a friend the 311 00:23:33.720 --> 00:23:37.359 other day whose daughter has some disabilities, and she's like, I know, 312 00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:41.640 I want to be strong with her so she succeeds, but then I want 313 00:23:41.640 --> 00:23:45.759 to be kind too. It's so hard. Also, some of these kids 314 00:23:45.799 --> 00:23:51.319 missed very important rites of passage. Now, rights of passage are very important 315 00:23:51.359 --> 00:23:55.240 times where you go through a graduation, a culmination, move forward. If 316 00:23:55.279 --> 00:23:56.640 you are in your bed on TikTok for two years, you missed a lot 317 00:23:56.720 --> 00:24:00.680 of these things. Okay, so they don't know, like the is ticking. 318 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:03.119 We had a graduation, you know. My daughter, my other daughter 319 00:24:03.160 --> 00:24:07.119 graduated from Harvard during the pandemic. We watched it on video. It was 320 00:24:07.240 --> 00:24:10.359 terrible. She wasn't there. We were in the living room in gowns. 321 00:24:11.799 --> 00:24:14.920 They FedEx them the cap and gown. They sat in the couch. It 322 00:24:15.039 --> 00:24:21.599 was terrible. Some of our kids have substance abuse disorders. Some of our 323 00:24:21.680 --> 00:24:26.880 kids have mental health disorders. Some of our kids have learning differences or motivation 324 00:24:26.039 --> 00:24:30.119 issues. So what do you do well? The first important thing is I'm 325 00:24:30.119 --> 00:24:34.559 talking to me here. Sorry. We need to set clear expectations that we 326 00:24:34.680 --> 00:24:38.759 feel are fair and appropriate for each individual child. There should not be one 327 00:24:38.839 --> 00:24:41.599 rule for every kid in our house. They're all different and they all have 328 00:24:41.640 --> 00:24:45.759 different parents. Even though you think you're the same parent, you're very different 329 00:24:45.759 --> 00:24:49.079 to each one of them. I promise you are. So your expectations might 330 00:24:49.119 --> 00:24:53.200 include things like chores, cleaning dishes. My daughter's really good at all that, 331 00:24:53.279 --> 00:25:00.720 I will say that helping to cook meals. You may expect reasonable employment, 332 00:25:00.920 --> 00:25:04.319 whether it's even part time employment. And yes, that means driving them 333 00:25:04.680 --> 00:25:08.039 to them all, going door to door with them, asking for applicant. 334 00:25:08.079 --> 00:25:11.799 And you know what the managers say, it's all online. You a planline. 335 00:25:11.799 --> 00:25:14.640 That's why they always say online, online, online, But that's why 336 00:25:14.680 --> 00:25:18.200 you go visit. That's how my daughter got her job. She went in 337 00:25:18.319 --> 00:25:21.480 and said, Hi, I submitted my application online. Could I see the 338 00:25:21.480 --> 00:25:23.519 manager? Can I tell her where to go? Look for it? Right? 339 00:25:23.640 --> 00:25:26.039 Go in as a face and let them see. Yes, you may 340 00:25:26.160 --> 00:25:29.200 need to drive them. You need to walk them in. That's what you 341 00:25:29.240 --> 00:25:33.200 got to do. Don't just nag at them, help them, right. 342 00:25:33.200 --> 00:25:37.359 You also have to consider consequences. So do you go from you didn't do 343 00:25:37.359 --> 00:25:42.119 the dishes, you're kicked out? What you have to think of small consequences 344 00:25:42.559 --> 00:25:48.160 for small failings, right. I know a woman who's a single mom, 345 00:25:48.200 --> 00:25:52.880 and she said that her son is in the basement trying to build an empire 346 00:25:53.319 --> 00:25:57.279 selling like sneakers online or something. I don't know what that means. Do 347 00:25:57.279 --> 00:26:00.599 you buy them from one and sell them on another site? And it's a 348 00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:04.119 whole thing, right, yeah, that's it's a thing. But mostly he's 349 00:26:04.119 --> 00:26:07.119 playing video games and ordering door Dash. And she said to me, I 350 00:26:07.160 --> 00:26:11.759 cook meals. There's food in the fridge. Why does he ordered door Dash? 351 00:26:11.160 --> 00:26:15.920 And I said to her, who pays for the door Dash? And 352 00:26:15.960 --> 00:26:18.640 she said, well I do because he's hungry. I'm like, okay, 353 00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:21.920 Well there's the first problem. The first boundary should be no door Dash. 354 00:26:22.160 --> 00:26:23.279 There's food in the fridge, right, and if you want it, you 355 00:26:23.359 --> 00:26:26.920 gotta pay for it exactly. And then you also have to think of small 356 00:26:27.000 --> 00:26:30.400 consequences, like, for instance, I know it's really hard if they don't 357 00:26:30.440 --> 00:26:34.039 put the dishes in the dishwasher, leave them there. You know, a 358 00:26:34.079 --> 00:26:37.920 friend of mine let her son. Her son was the coffee cup in his 359 00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:41.200 bedroom guy until they totally ran out of coffee cups and she switched to paper 360 00:26:41.200 --> 00:26:45.079 cups for herself. Until his room had so many coffee cups that he had 361 00:26:45.079 --> 00:26:47.480 to one day bring them all out and put them in the dishwasher. Okay, 362 00:26:47.559 --> 00:26:48.920 that's the walk of seam. Yeah, you have to have to do 363 00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:52.960 it at some point, right, So you got to figure out what those 364 00:26:52.960 --> 00:27:00.480 boundaries are. I also highly suggest if your kid won't go to their or 365 00:27:00.480 --> 00:27:03.440 coaching or whatever, that you do it. There's a woman I have on 366 00:27:03.519 --> 00:27:07.519 speed dial who's her name is Cynthia Widham. I'm just going to stay it 367 00:27:07.519 --> 00:27:11.359 out there. She works at UCLA. I met her at the neuropsych Institute 368 00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:12.920 whatever years ago. She has a private practice. I'm West La, and 369 00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:18.759 she works with parents to tell them how to parent, basically, especially with 370 00:27:18.799 --> 00:27:21.519 teenage kids. So one of the times I went to her, I go 371 00:27:21.599 --> 00:27:22.880 every once in a while. I said, Okay, so my daughter, 372 00:27:23.200 --> 00:27:26.640 I'm just so tired of doing laundry. I just can't take it, and 373 00:27:26.680 --> 00:27:30.359 she goes, why are you doing your laundry then, and I said, 374 00:27:30.359 --> 00:27:32.720 well, because you know it piles up in it needs to be done and 375 00:27:32.759 --> 00:27:34.440 whatever. And she said, okay, here's what do you hate about laundry. 376 00:27:34.440 --> 00:27:37.640 I said, hate folding it? Hey, putting it away. I 377 00:27:37.640 --> 00:27:38.759 don't man putting it in the washer or the dryer. But it just this 378 00:27:38.839 --> 00:27:41.680 pile, It just keeps growing on the dryer. And she goes, okay, 379 00:27:41.720 --> 00:27:44.759 I want you to go to your daughter. I think she was like 380 00:27:44.839 --> 00:27:48.519 fourteen fifteen then, and you say to her, I no longer am going 381 00:27:48.599 --> 00:27:53.039 to fold your laundry. Where would you like me to put it? And 382 00:27:53.400 --> 00:27:57.680 she pointed to a corner of the carpet in her room and she said, 383 00:27:57.720 --> 00:28:03.759 on this corner of my car. And I said okay. And so Cynthia 384 00:28:03.799 --> 00:28:07.480 Wiham said, now it's your job to not fold the laundry and keep putting 385 00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:11.160 it on that corner. And I said, but every time I walk by, 386 00:28:11.240 --> 00:28:12.160 if I see the pile just getting bigger. But she goes, then 387 00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:17.519 you should close the bedroom door. This is your problem, it is not 388 00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:22.599 their problem. These are her clothes, this is her room. Let her 389 00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:26.720 live it. So I watched the pile get bigger and bigger. And bigger, 390 00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:32.079 And one day the door happened to be cracked open, and that carpet 391 00:28:32.119 --> 00:28:37.200 was empty, and everything was put away neatly. And now she's the neatest 392 00:28:37.240 --> 00:28:38.920 girl with her uncle. You know why, because she couldn't find her stuff. 393 00:28:40.279 --> 00:28:42.400 She was digging through the pile and it was everywhere. So she learned 394 00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:47.119 to fold her own stuff and put it away. To this day, that's 395 00:28:47.160 --> 00:28:48.119 got to be five, six, seven, eight, nine years ago. 396 00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:53.440 To this day she has the neatest closet you've ever seen. But I had 397 00:28:53.440 --> 00:28:57.039 to walk by and put blinders on and not look at that pile. So 398 00:28:57.440 --> 00:29:00.880 this is a long thing to say. You know what, parents, sometimes 399 00:29:00.920 --> 00:29:04.880 you need counseling on how to have boundaries and how to think up good consequences 400 00:29:06.200 --> 00:29:11.400 for your young adult kid or your teenager or your young kid. You don't 401 00:29:11.400 --> 00:29:15.599 have to force them into therapy. You can force yourself into therapy so you 402 00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:18.880 can learn how to behave with them. So anyway, but also relax, 403 00:29:19.480 --> 00:29:22.319 you're not alone. If you have a young adult at home now. If 404 00:29:22.359 --> 00:29:26.079 they have substance abuse issues, you've got to get them help. If they 405 00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:29.400 have mental health issues, you've got to get them help. The problem is 406 00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:33.680 if they're over eighteen, you can't legally force them into anything. And that's 407 00:29:33.720 --> 00:29:37.279 why I suggest going to therapy yourself so that you can get some strategies on 408 00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:41.240 how to deal with this. And I know it's scary to think we're going 409 00:29:41.279 --> 00:29:44.160 to turn our kids out on the street. Oh my mom did was charge 410 00:29:44.200 --> 00:29:47.400 me a little rent and then before you know it, I was out there. 411 00:29:47.440 --> 00:29:53.319 Okay, listen, plenty of people get into marriages and somewhere around seven 412 00:29:53.359 --> 00:29:57.079 to fourteen years. I find that's my opinion. You get into the adult 413 00:29:57.160 --> 00:30:00.319 rooms of the marriage. You look at that person in your life. Why 414 00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:03.720 did I marry this person? This person I'm not even attracted to anymore? 415 00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:06.480 Wait, I'm supposed to have sex with this person? What the heck? 416 00:30:07.279 --> 00:30:11.640 This is normal? Your marriage is in the duldrums? Does that mean it's 417 00:30:11.640 --> 00:30:15.960 headed for divorce court? Not necessarily. When we come back. Things that 418 00:30:17.000 --> 00:30:21.440 you should try before giving up on your marriage. You're listening to The Doctor 419 00:30:21.440 --> 00:30:25.880 Wendy Walls Show and kf I AM six forty but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 420 00:30:25.920 --> 00:30:30.920 app. You're listening to kf I AM six forty on demand. Kf I 421 00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:33.000 Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy wallsh with you. This is actually 422 00:30:33.039 --> 00:30:37.599 the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Last segment what two hours 423 00:30:37.640 --> 00:30:40.799 goes by fast? Doesn't? Producer Kayla, it flew by tonight. It's 424 00:30:40.839 --> 00:30:44.160 so much funny. I had two producers. That's why producer Christina here as 425 00:30:44.160 --> 00:30:48.279 well. She did great with the music today, by the way, really 426 00:30:48.359 --> 00:30:52.119 fun. They make a lot of give me one munch. I'm surprised you 427 00:30:52.160 --> 00:30:55.160 knew that old throwback country. So I love it. I love it. 428 00:30:55.160 --> 00:30:56.200 Well. You know I have a double life, right, I also own 429 00:30:56.200 --> 00:31:00.720 a place in a rural area and a drop sport truck and drive a Ford 430 00:31:00.759 --> 00:31:03.160 truck without listen to country music, right girl, I'll come to La again 431 00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:07.279 in mon Tesla and I listen to my jazz. Just saying of a double 432 00:31:07.359 --> 00:31:11.200 life. So I was having lunch with a friend whose marriages and the duldrums 433 00:31:11.240 --> 00:31:15.599 as many marriages are, you know, Kayla on the break brought up the 434 00:31:15.640 --> 00:31:18.680 movie seven Year Itch, right, the Mail Monroe movie that is all about 435 00:31:18.720 --> 00:31:25.839 like after a certain point the excitement goes down. That doesn't mean that the 436 00:31:25.920 --> 00:31:30.599 quality of the relationship doesn't has to go down. It doesn't mean that you're 437 00:31:30.640 --> 00:31:34.680 not attached, right. So I was giving my friend advice based on just 438 00:31:34.720 --> 00:31:40.599 the research I read all the time, and I apply this to my relationship 439 00:31:40.640 --> 00:31:42.960 with Julio. So, Huli and I have only been together for three years. 440 00:31:44.359 --> 00:31:47.759 He keeps saying it's a new relationship, and I keep saying, we 441 00:31:47.799 --> 00:31:52.039 need to make sure that it always feels new. So, like tomorrow, 442 00:31:52.039 --> 00:31:53.680 we both have the day off, and I said, why don't we drive 443 00:31:55.200 --> 00:31:59.079 and eat somewhere we ate in the early days of our dating. Let's just 444 00:31:59.160 --> 00:32:00.960 find a place that we have good memories. He because, don't you do 445 00:32:01.000 --> 00:32:04.880 that when you've been married, like twenty years go back to I go no, 446 00:32:04.960 --> 00:32:08.839 no, even now too. So the research shows that long term, 447 00:32:09.319 --> 00:32:15.839 committed, happy people do often revisit, either mentally or physically, the early 448 00:32:15.920 --> 00:32:17.799 days of their relationship. Remember where we went on our first date. Remember 449 00:32:17.799 --> 00:32:21.119 the time when we got caught in the rain at that place. Oh my 450 00:32:21.160 --> 00:32:23.400 god, that was And so it puts your brain back in that place. 451 00:32:23.880 --> 00:32:30.480 But in the same sense, we also need newness. So we like sameness, 452 00:32:30.799 --> 00:32:32.519 and we need newness. That's such a star our brain works. So 453 00:32:32.559 --> 00:32:37.119 that means doing different things with your partner that you've never done before. This 454 00:32:37.240 --> 00:32:42.960 is hard to do when you've been together a really long time because you know 455 00:32:43.039 --> 00:32:45.319 each other inside and out. You know what you like, you know what 456 00:32:45.359 --> 00:32:49.559 they like. You just kind of do the same things. But finding something 457 00:32:49.599 --> 00:32:52.279 different and getting off the couch and saying we are going to do this is 458 00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:58.720 a good idea. And here's an example. I have heard that some couples 459 00:32:58.720 --> 00:33:04.240 do this. It's called the glass bowl the glass bowl game. You keep 460 00:33:04.279 --> 00:33:09.160 a glass bowl somewhere in your house and whenever either of you has an idea 461 00:33:09.359 --> 00:33:14.160 of a thing you'd like to do sometime, a museum you'd like to go 462 00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:17.400 to, a restaurant you'd like to try, a hiking trail you haven't been 463 00:33:17.440 --> 00:33:22.839 on a yoga retreat, skydiving, I don't know. A race car driving 464 00:33:22.880 --> 00:33:24.240 on the week. You know, if you do that, you can rent 465 00:33:24.279 --> 00:33:27.920 like a race car and go to track or to Porsha track down there. 466 00:33:27.920 --> 00:33:31.279 I think they do it down a Manhattan beature hing whatever. Anything, write 467 00:33:31.279 --> 00:33:34.640 it down, put it on the piece of paper. Okay, yes, 468 00:33:34.799 --> 00:33:37.759 you can put new sexual positions there too. Okay. Everything. And then 469 00:33:38.160 --> 00:33:42.559 every once in a while, when you're starting to feel bored with your relationship 470 00:33:42.680 --> 00:33:45.000 or you're fighting or whatever. We're going to the bowl. We're going to 471 00:33:45.039 --> 00:33:49.279 the bowl, and you pull out and you have a deal. You open 472 00:33:49.359 --> 00:33:52.640 that paper and you have to do whatever's in there. Right. It doesn't 473 00:33:52.640 --> 00:33:55.279 matter who put it in. It's random. It's going to be random. 474 00:33:55.359 --> 00:34:00.880 Ncause makes it exciting. But you have to People say relationships are work. 475 00:34:02.119 --> 00:34:06.720 That's what the work is, and it should be joyful work. You should 476 00:34:06.720 --> 00:34:09.400 think when you do something for your partner that you don't want to do or 477 00:34:09.440 --> 00:34:15.880 you it's not about them taking something from you. It's about you investing in 478 00:34:15.920 --> 00:34:21.880 the relationship and investing for the future. So producer Kayla and I have a 479 00:34:22.000 --> 00:34:25.440 favorite researcher, doctor John Gottman, the Marriage Lab of the University of Washington, 480 00:34:27.039 --> 00:34:31.559 and here are some things that he suggests to try before giving up on 481 00:34:31.599 --> 00:34:37.400 your marriage. Number one, complain without blame. Are you in the habit 482 00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:45.039 of totally criticizing your partner and blaming them for all your problems? Guess what 483 00:34:45.760 --> 00:34:50.800 it's better to say instead of saying, like you're always late, how about 484 00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:54.280 I was really worried when you didn't call me. That's the truth. Stay 485 00:34:54.280 --> 00:35:01.000 on your feelings right. Also, learn to Number two, pair conflicts skillfully. 486 00:35:02.039 --> 00:35:12.440 Don't put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. I want you to 487 00:35:12.480 --> 00:35:17.199 talk about things rather than dismissing them. Because that water under the bridge flows 488 00:35:17.199 --> 00:35:22.440 back. Trust me, you have to deal with it. The healthiest couples 489 00:35:22.440 --> 00:35:28.280 have tiny little fights on a regular basis. Number three, he calls it, 490 00:35:28.360 --> 00:35:30.440 stay focused on the issues at hand. I call it, don't flood 491 00:35:30.960 --> 00:35:36.079 right, focus on just the deal that you're talking about. Oh and another 492 00:35:36.119 --> 00:35:38.400 thing. Oh, this sounds like last week when you did that. Right, 493 00:35:38.599 --> 00:35:44.079 don't go there, Stay on one thing. Now, here's a big 494 00:35:44.079 --> 00:35:45.880 one, he suggests. And I'm a big believer in this. Boost your 495 00:35:45.880 --> 00:35:52.840 physical affection. Hold hands, hug, touch, It releases oxytocin, dope 496 00:35:52.840 --> 00:35:58.000 and meine serotonin. It calms you down. I mentioned that Julio and I 497 00:35:58.039 --> 00:36:00.519 have been a part in the last week or two, and we back together 498 00:36:00.559 --> 00:36:05.440 and I've been sleepy and calm and relax. I can feel the oxytocin and 499 00:36:05.519 --> 00:36:08.960 dopamine flowing through my body. So even though the person's driving you crazy, 500 00:36:09.320 --> 00:36:14.119 touch them more, even though they're being avoidant, reach out to them. 501 00:36:15.079 --> 00:36:20.719 Nurt your fondness and admiration. I say, remember why you valued your partner, 502 00:36:20.800 --> 00:36:24.079 Remember why you were there in the first place. And instead of always 503 00:36:24.119 --> 00:36:28.639 insisting on your way, because it never feels good to win a fight when 504 00:36:28.679 --> 00:36:34.239 they go, oh all right, think instead about where your common ground is 505 00:36:34.639 --> 00:36:38.079 for both of you. Also, spend time together. You know, I 506 00:36:38.159 --> 00:36:42.000 know partners who say, you know, my relationships so boring right now, 507 00:36:42.280 --> 00:36:45.639 we're just adding excitement by doing things separately a lot. We're just going out 508 00:36:45.679 --> 00:36:50.679 and doing different things. That's not the way to it. Find new things 509 00:36:50.760 --> 00:36:58.880 to do together. Communicate honestly about all the key issues. I've heard people 510 00:36:58.920 --> 00:37:00.280 say, I don't know how to tell my husband this, so I'm just 511 00:37:00.280 --> 00:37:02.880 not going to bring it up. No, bring it up. Find a 512 00:37:02.920 --> 00:37:07.239 way to bring it up. And finally, and this is a big one, 513 00:37:07.639 --> 00:37:14.440 practice not only forgiveness, but practice gratitude. You know, if you 514 00:37:14.559 --> 00:37:19.360 are constantly thinking about what your partner has not done for you lately, if 515 00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:23.039 you're constantly thinking about the problems in the relationship, of course the next step 516 00:37:23.119 --> 00:37:27.840 is going to be divorced about. Ask yourself why you were there in the 517 00:37:27.840 --> 00:37:31.199 first place, what they do right, how you value them, and if 518 00:37:31.199 --> 00:37:37.039 they had made mistakes. Be the bigger person and forgive, learn to forgive, 519 00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:40.480 learn to accept people. At the end of my lunch with my friend, 520 00:37:40.800 --> 00:37:43.519 you know, she was saying, Oh, you know my husband, 521 00:37:43.559 --> 00:37:45.599 all he does is work or this or that, and he likes to go 522 00:37:45.639 --> 00:37:47.599 to the gym and he doesn't like to do the thing. I said, 523 00:37:47.599 --> 00:37:52.239 maybe that's what it all. He's got accept it. That's who he is, 524 00:37:52.840 --> 00:37:55.079 and it's okay. Everybody's not meant to be a clone of us. 525 00:37:55.599 --> 00:38:00.320 They're different people, they really are. Our partner is a different person. 526 00:38:00.000 --> 00:38:07.239 So forgive them for their faults, have gratitude, and then you will remind 527 00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:10.599 your brain of why you're there in the first place. You have been listening 528 00:38:10.639 --> 00:38:14.400 to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I invite you to join my Patreon. 529 00:38:14.480 --> 00:38:19.039 We have zoom rooms every Wednesday at six thirty. The handle is patreon dot 530 00:38:19.079 --> 00:38:22.039 com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. It's like ten bucks a month. It's but 531 00:38:22.159 --> 00:38:24.480 just a fun thing. We have a lot of Kfi listeners in our zoom 532 00:38:24.519 --> 00:38:29.760 room on Wednesday nights. You can also follow me my social media at doctor 533 00:38:29.760 --> 00:38:32.559 Wendy Walsh. You can also listen to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 534 00:38:32.559 --> 00:38:37.239 if you ever miss any episodes on the iHeartRadio app. Thanks for being with 535 00:38:37.239 --> 00:38:39.760 me. You've been listening to The Doctor, Wendy Walsh Show and kf I 536 00:38:39.920 --> 00:38:46.000 AM six forty. We're live everywhere the iHeartRadio app, kf I AM sixty on demand