You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand kf I AM six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
I'm taking your calls and answering your social media questions. Reminder, I'm
not a therapist. This is not mental health counseling. This is a little
bit of wise wisdom from a woman who happens to have a PhD in clinical
psychology. I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships and well,
I've had a lot of bad relationships in my life and I've learned a
lot, so I'm happy to share my wisdom. If you'd like to call
in, the number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer,
Kayla, Who do we have? First? We have best with the question
best b e ss Bess, Hi, Bess. Hello, It's test with
Okay, y with a C or a T? No? A T like
is in Thomas? Oh like Tess? Tess? Yeah? Hi? Test?
How are you do? I for what I'm going through? I am
wonderful. Oh what are you going through? Love. I recently, within
this last week, found out thesode gentlemen that I've been seeing for the last
year has five other women on the string and one that he's been living with
for a long time. Oh that is heartbreaking. And I hope you heard
the earlier segment where I told everybody it's not your fault. Okay, these
I did not, but I know it's not. These men are sociopaths.
The guy for those on Instagram, I just want to say, she's been
dating a guy for more than a year and found out that he has five
women on the string and one he's living with. You not test. My
best friend years ago was dating a guy on and off for like eight or
nine years. Turns out he was living with another woman and having kids with
her, and she never knew. Right, So it's not our fault,
but going forward, it is our responsibility to set boundaries. So you do
have to completely do no contact. You know that, right, And you're
still going to feel a loss, even though you're mad at him, even
though you hate him, You're still going to feel a loss. It's like
Gangreene, that leg had to go, but it has to go. So
I want you to be strong, not talk to him again and not completely
lose hope. That's the thing. We get jaded, and we get critical
and cynical. I don't want that to happen to you, Tess. So
next time around, I want you to open your heart and just be really
observant of any little red flags. I'm so sorry that happened. Oh breaks
my heart. I've been there though, I've been there. Okay, Producer,
Kayla, who do we have next? We have Jackie with the question
Jackie. Hello Jackie, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy, thank
you for your time. I'm currently studying Chinese medicine and I was a sequel
mother, and I am not in a pace for I can date right now.
But I wondered if you had any advice for me. I have great
advice for you. Yes, really great advice for you. So Jackie is
a single mother, she's in medical school, she's not in a place where
she can date. But what is her advice? So I want to say
this, I was a single mother for eighteen years with little kids. I
did not want to expose my girls to any bad romantic choice that I might
make. So that's what I held in my heart is I don't want to
do this to my girls, because I've picked some bad ones in the past
and I don't want them around my kids. I also read a terrible statistic
that said kids are most in danger when they're living in the home with an
unbiologically related male mommy's boyfriend, husband, stepbrother, whatever. I was like,
no, I got little girls. I don't want that to happen.
But there are ways that you can get the benefits of single life without dating.
For instance, for the touch, make sure you get regular massages,
make sure you cuddle your kids, maybe get a pet to pet. For
the social support, I started cooking dinners on Sunday, where I'd invite any
parents. I'd meet at the preschool, the elementary school, and I'd have
a kid's table. I'd say, you bring the wine, I'll bring them
pasta, whatever. And I started inviting people being the host so that I
had the social support. I had the village around me. When I would
meet men, I would say to them, listen, I'm a three pack.
Here's the deal. I am not going to be entering into a relationship.
If you did, oh, I won't lie to you. I did
have some little romantic compartments on the side, but I didn't drag my kids
through that. I remember years later, when my daughter was in her twenties,
she's like, how did how would you said you dated so and so?
How did you I'm like, you'll never know. Okay, you'll never
know when or where or how I did it. But that's what you gotta
do because you only have your kids for eighteen years, yet you're going to
live for eighty so there are plenty of time to date other people. Jackie,
I'm so glad you asked me that question. Okay, Producer Kayla,
who do we have next? We have Sarah with the question. Sarah,
Hi, Sarah, it's doctor Wendy. Hello, doctor, thank you for
taking my call, my pleasure. What's your question? Love? Oh?
I made a gentleman of um younger than me. He's attorney professional and I
am my own my own business and UM well educated. Ask for as me
and him is educated? And how many years younger? How old is he
Katie Speman? And how old are you? Sixty two? Uh huh?
So what's your what's your plan? What are you looking for? Do you
do you either of you have kids? Um? On my kids is grown
up, your kids are grown up? And yeah, m hmmm, and
does he have kids? Mutual attraction? I'm sorry, does he have kids?
No? No, no? Does he want kids? I didn't ask
and we just had dinners twice. That's a big question. And I'll tell
you why. I have no problem with May December relationships. The age is
nothing but a number. However, reproduction is often urgent, no matter what
your gender. So if he's thirty seven years old and has no kids and
says he wants a family, you're like setting yourself up for heartbreak. On
the other hand, there's that wonderful documentary online right now of Mary Tyler Moore
and in her sixties she met a guy who was a very young doctor and
it is like late twenties and they were together until she passed away and had
a wonderful love relationship. So again you want to talk about stage of life.
And I also want to remind you this, even though he's younger and
has a career, you actually have more power because the older person in every
age difference relationship has more wisdom and more life experience. So I say,
go for it, but ask all the right questions so you're not just setting
yourself up for heartbreak. I mean, why not thirty seven years old?
You can go for it all right? Do we have somebody else's should go
to social media? Oh? Of course we have people we got We asked
Shirley with a question. Surely, Hi, surely it's doctor Wendy him.
Yes, doctor Wendy. I have a question. My ex husband and I
have been divorced for about thirty five years, and we came back in contact
with each other a year ago because our son passed away. Oh my god,
I'm so sorry, thank you. And so I've been single for seventeen
years. He's been single for about eight years his wife passed away, and
I kind of think we might be forming a connection. But I'm not sure,
and I don't know. I don't want to blow it. But how
do I How could you blow it? Well? I could say something to
him, like, for instance, they're having a birthday party at my daughter's
house and he lives in to Mexico and I live in Oklahoma, and he
was telling my daughter he wants to come to the party. Well that kind
of makes me feel like that maybe maybe if I say something like I want
you to come, I'm fraid I'm gonna be too forward. Oh, so
here's how you get around that. Okay, So first of all, you
can say you're welcome to come, which is very different than I want you
to come, right, ok Yeah, you're welcome to come. Just want
to make you know. Our daughter mentioned that you're interested in coming. I
want you to know you're welcome to come, and that sounds like a family
invitation. You know, It's really common for people who have been separated for
a long time to come together over grief. I've even known of couples who,
you know, fought so much during the early years of raising the kids
they couldn't stand each other, and then the kids grew up and they went
back and got married because what they had was the love affair at the beginning.
That all came later. So I think I wouldn't worry too much.
I think I would just um, you know, allow the circumstances. In
other words, allow him to show up. Don't be too forward, and
don't be too you know, pulling back, and just see what happens.
I mean, you're both grieving right now, and that you're grieving over the
loss of somebody that both of you have invested in that both of you care
about, and so it's so understandable that it can be confusing that your feelings
of sadness bringing the two of you together. But let happen what is meant
to happen, and maybe there's going to be love there, maybe not,
but we have to stay in the land of unknowing in order for love to
grow. I'm so sorry about your loss, surely, but I'm so happy
to hear that you've rekindled this connection. I love family. Thank you so
much for calling, and if you would like to call, the number is
one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred
five two zero one. KFI you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on kf I AM six forty Ever live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
listening to kf I AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty you have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm
doing my drive by makeshift relationship advice. I'm happy to take your calls and
personally way in on what I think you should do. All right, who
do we have on the line. We have Mike with the question. Okay,
Hi Mike, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. So I've
been married to my wife for twenty years. About a year ago, she
was a really nar she was an narcissist for twenty years, belittle me,
furate me, and insult me in front of her family, just terribly,
terribly. About a year ago, I said, you know, I'm done,
I'm leaving. She came and said, I'm going to change, and
she did Wow, except I am now, I am not in it anymore.
That that day was the day the music died for me. And I'm
not happy. Even though she's changed, I can't find the catalyst to leave,
and I'm unhappy. It's so interesting because you know, when I was
in therapist school, if you will graduate school, I remember a teacher saying
to me what a therapist should be asking in the back of their head when
somebody presents some kind of problem is what is the function of the dysfunction?
And so that's the question I would ask you that if we could say the
dysfunction in the situation, Mike, is that she constantly nagged you and belittled
you and you hated it, but you hated it for twenty years, so
it served a function in some way. Then, according to you, she
cleaned up her act. She's no longer critical, she's a nice person.
You've lost attraction for her, do you see what I mean? Right?
So I would say that this is a great opportunity for not necessarily couples therapy,
but individual therapy, for you to go figure out what was it that
kept you attached for twenty years to somebody who treated you badly. Now it
could be that at this point she's gotten kind, but it's too little,
too late. In other words, you're like, there, I don't really
believe it. I don't trust it. I know the real you. It's
happened twenty years. That may be what you're feeling, or it may be
something else entirely, maybe that you need someone nagging you because for some reason,
that feels like love, that feels familiar, even though you hate it.
See, that's the thing. Our models for love are created in our
early life, and sometimes we will go into these relationships that remind us of
our nagging mother or our abusive father, and we hate it and we don't
like it, but it's what we know, and we get attached that way.
So I really highly recommend that you try some individual therapy before you jump,
before you make this decision to leave your marriage. But thanks for calling,
Mike. I really appreciate it. I know it's quite a dilemma,
all right, Producer, Kayla or Christina? Who do we have? We
have Diana with the question. Diana, Hi, Diana, it's doctor Wendy
Hid. It's so good to hear you. I'm a big fan of yours.
Oh thank you. Yeah. So I'm calling from New York and I'm
on evenly by the way from Europe. So but just okay, it does
maybe really matter. So the question is I just explained that, you know,
I'm dating someone. It's been one year and he makes significantly more than
I do. Um. He also says I'm attective to successful women like all
the time, you know, and he's been married before he was making like
almost as much as he does, and yeah, it makes me feel insecure.
So well, it sounds like it sounds like he might be making it
an issue by making these comments about I usually date successful women. Is that?
What is it when he says that that it brings these feelings of insecurity.
Up now, I'm sorry. I think I didn't explain it. Okay,
So he said he actually didn't date successful women. It's actually was the
opposite. However, he also says, I am attective to successful women,
and I know from his you know past, he's been married to like,
you know, she was making pretty good money. So this is all coming
from you. It's not like he's dangling it in front of you and I'm
plying. Okay, So this makes it. This makes a difference. So
I want to know, like, why you think you have less to give
to the relationship, because, like who told you bringing money to the party
is the most important part of a love relationship? Where'd you learn that?
Um? It just looks my life experience. Maybe I'm cynical. I think
that's kind of truth, But you know, I feel like around like people
like break up because of this issue all the time. So in your mind,
there's a rule that says that men and women must make the exact same
amount of money, or the woman must make more to keep the man.
Is that what you think? I'm just curious. Um, I just think
that because it's faith. Even in friendship, there is only friendship if there
is equality between two partners. Ah, I think there is no inequality.
How is he even going to respect me? You know? Well, I
think of a child. Here's what I want to share with you that financially
finances are one way that you can examine a relationship. But a relationship is
an exchange of care. That care can take many forms. It can be
financial care, it can be sexual care. It can be domestic responsibility care.
It can be emotional support care. It can be intellectual stimulation care.
It can be childcare. What you are holding in your body is a womb
and eggs that are far more valuable than any bank account. If you were
to talk to an evolutionary psychologist, he would say or she would say,
that men should have more money to impress a woman and keep her near because
she's caring the most expensive thing that exists in the human species, which are
human eggs. You know that. Could you imagine that your job was to
go out and convince somebody to donate their body to you for nine months and
potentially even a high risk pregnancy that could kill them, and then devote eighteen
years of their lives to raising your jeans. Guys have to think about that
every day. How are they going to get a woman to cooperate and you
are feeling insecure. You're feeling insecure, Diana, like somehow you have you're
bringing less to the party. You know, even if we're not talking about
eggs, bringing kindness, bringing joy. You know, my sweet boyfriend Julio
needs to eat more cooked tomatoes. For those who know about prostate males prostates,
you'll understand what this is. More cooked tomatoes. So today he was
out for a few hours. I made a giant, big pot of boulonnaise
sauce. I put it all in a little tupperware containers in the freezer for
him, so they can always have it to just warm up whenever he needs
it, whenever he needs a quick meal. That didn't cost me much money.
I hope he didn't come home and say, whoa wait, I pay
for an expensive dinner sometime. Where did you buy some Trader Joe's tomatoes?
No? No, no. Relationships should never be about keeping score calculating money.
They should be about caring for the other person, investing in the relationship,
and knowing that you are good enough. You are good enough, Diana,
Thanks for calling producer Kaylie. Do have time for one more or somebody,
well, somebody just connected with somebody earlier. She had a question,
and the question was Yeah. Julia's situation was that her husband is a cop
and his whole life is private to her. She said that nothing is in
her name and she doesn't work, so she's wondering what she can do now.
She didn't sound too happy. Sounds like she's in a cult, not
a cop. Yeah. I don't think it has to do necessarily with what
he does for a living. It's control. He's trying to control and not
share. And my answer would be why does she say there? So she's
someone who is a victim of what we call financial abuse. Women who are
not allowed to see the finances, have access to the bank accounts, have
anything in their name, are being controlled. It's a form of stalking.
It's a form of domestic violence. She should reach out to the National Domestic
Violence Hotline. She should reach out to a therapist. It's not okay,
wow, okay. When we come back, we're going to move from romantic
love into something else. Do you have a young adult in your house who's
failing to launch one of your kids. It's a big trend right now.
We need to talk about this. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show
and kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to kf I Am six forty on demand. I Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh. This is the Doctor Andy Walsh Show.
Okay, just between you and I had a thing with my just turned twenty
year old daughter this week. I just feel like it's taking forever for her
to launch. She's not you know, she has lots of learning differences.
She's not college bound, and she had a I'm very proud of her.
She has a driver's lize, in's a car. She works. She's worked
at a job for a year. But she had an extra little weekend job
and she quit it. And that bothered me because I was just like,
like when I was your age, I had fourteen jobs. I was trying
to bank money so I can move and go out. She's like, I
don't I don't actually want to leave you. I should take that as a
compliment, shouldn't I She doesn't want to leave her mother. There is research
to show that the generation emotionally most effective by COVID nineteen pandemic, the quarantine
time. We're young adults, teenagers and young adults, because this the time
they're supposed to be getting together in packs and finding each other, stepping stones
away from their family of origin. But where were they. They were in
their dark bedrooms on zoom and TikTok for two years. Okay, So it's
like they missed two years of development. I'll tell you. I noticed it
when I got back in the university classroom. We had taught on zoom for
a year and a half. The students came back and I have never seen
so much social anxiety, so much nervousness. I put them in discussion groups
to talk and solve some kind of question, and I go rove around the
room and they're all staring at their phones. I'm just like, no,
no, put the phones away. Let's debate this question. Let's talk about
it. Okay. So I found a twenty twenty Pew research study. So
this is really before the pandemic. So it was data from twenty nineteen that
said that fifty two percent of eighteen through twenty nine year olds we're living at
home with their parents, the highest person scentage since the Great Depression. I'll
bet you that number is even higher now. So if you have a twenty
two year old, twenty three year old, twenty five year old, twenty
eight year old, twenty nine year old living in your house, you're still
the majority now. When I was coming up, we all launched, grew
our wings, flew from that nest. When we turned eighteen, my mom
had a strategy, which was on our eighteenth birthday. She had two rules.
If you were in school full time, you could live in her house
for free. If you were not, you had to pay one hundred dollars
back this long time ago, a one hundred dollars a month rent. Do
you know how insulted I was to pay for laundry and food because I had
gotten it for free my whole life. I swear I paid that girl rent
one time, and I went and got roommates, and I was out right.
I was done. So maybe I'm not as okay. So let's talk
about what are the things that are helping some of our young adults fail to
launch. Some of them just have poor self management skills, poor task initiation,
poor emotional regulation. There is a lot of parental enablement going on you're
listening. I'm talking to me. Look, it's it's never easy to see
our kids struggle and tough. Love is hard to do, and then we
live like what if they end up like homeless if we're too tough on them?
Like where is that boundary? I had a conversation with a friend the
other day whose daughter has some disabilities, and she's like, I know,
I want to be strong with her so she succeeds, but then I want
to be kind too. It's so hard. Also, some of these kids
missed very important rites of passage. Now, rights of passage are very important
times where you go through a graduation, a culmination, move forward. If
you are in your bed on TikTok for two years, you missed a lot
of these things. Okay, so they don't know, like the is ticking.
We had a graduation, you know. My daughter, my other daughter
graduated from Harvard during the pandemic. We watched it on video. It was
terrible. She wasn't there. We were in the living room in gowns.
They FedEx them the cap and gown. They sat in the couch. It
was terrible. Some of our kids have substance abuse disorders. Some of our
kids have mental health disorders. Some of our kids have learning differences or motivation
issues. So what do you do well? The first important thing is I'm
talking to me here. Sorry. We need to set clear expectations that we
feel are fair and appropriate for each individual child. There should not be one
rule for every kid in our house. They're all different and they all have
different parents. Even though you think you're the same parent, you're very different
to each one of them. I promise you are. So your expectations might
include things like chores, cleaning dishes. My daughter's really good at all that,
I will say that helping to cook meals. You may expect reasonable employment,
whether it's even part time employment. And yes, that means driving them
to them all, going door to door with them, asking for applicant.
And you know what the managers say, it's all online. You a planline.
That's why they always say online, online, online, But that's why
you go visit. That's how my daughter got her job. She went in
and said, Hi, I submitted my application online. Could I see the
manager? Can I tell her where to go? Look for it? Right?
Go in as a face and let them see. Yes, you may
need to drive them. You need to walk them in. That's what you
got to do. Don't just nag at them, help them, right.
You also have to consider consequences. So do you go from you didn't do
the dishes, you're kicked out? What you have to think of small consequences
for small failings, right. I know a woman who's a single mom,
and she said that her son is in the basement trying to build an empire
selling like sneakers online or something. I don't know what that means. Do
you buy them from one and sell them on another site? And it's a
whole thing, right, yeah, that's it's a thing. But mostly he's
playing video games and ordering door Dash. And she said to me, I
cook meals. There's food in the fridge. Why does he ordered door Dash?
And I said to her, who pays for the door Dash? And
she said, well I do because he's hungry. I'm like, okay,
Well there's the first problem. The first boundary should be no door Dash.
There's food in the fridge, right, and if you want it, you
gotta pay for it exactly. And then you also have to think of small
consequences, like, for instance, I know it's really hard if they don't
put the dishes in the dishwasher, leave them there. You know, a
friend of mine let her son. Her son was the coffee cup in his
bedroom guy until they totally ran out of coffee cups and she switched to paper
cups for herself. Until his room had so many coffee cups that he had
to one day bring them all out and put them in the dishwasher. Okay,
that's the walk of seam. Yeah, you have to have to do
it at some point, right, So you got to figure out what those
boundaries are. I also highly suggest if your kid won't go to their or
coaching or whatever, that you do it. There's a woman I have on
speed dial who's her name is Cynthia Widham. I'm just going to stay it
out there. She works at UCLA. I met her at the neuropsych Institute
whatever years ago. She has a private practice. I'm West La, and
she works with parents to tell them how to parent, basically, especially with
teenage kids. So one of the times I went to her, I go
every once in a while. I said, Okay, so my daughter,
I'm just so tired of doing laundry. I just can't take it, and
she goes, why are you doing your laundry then, and I said,
well, because you know it piles up in it needs to be done and
whatever. And she said, okay, here's what do you hate about laundry.
I said, hate folding it? Hey, putting it away. I
don't man putting it in the washer or the dryer. But it just this
pile, It just keeps growing on the dryer. And she goes, okay,
I want you to go to your daughter. I think she was like
fourteen fifteen then, and you say to her, I no longer am going
to fold your laundry. Where would you like me to put it? And
she pointed to a corner of the carpet in her room and she said,
on this corner of my car. And I said okay. And so Cynthia
Wiham said, now it's your job to not fold the laundry and keep putting
it on that corner. And I said, but every time I walk by,
if I see the pile just getting bigger. But she goes, then
you should close the bedroom door. This is your problem, it is not
their problem. These are her clothes, this is her room. Let her
live it. So I watched the pile get bigger and bigger. And bigger,
And one day the door happened to be cracked open, and that carpet
was empty, and everything was put away neatly. And now she's the neatest
girl with her uncle. You know why, because she couldn't find her stuff.
She was digging through the pile and it was everywhere. So she learned
to fold her own stuff and put it away. To this day, that's
got to be five, six, seven, eight, nine years ago.
To this day she has the neatest closet you've ever seen. But I had
to walk by and put blinders on and not look at that pile. So
this is a long thing to say. You know what, parents, sometimes
you need counseling on how to have boundaries and how to think up good consequences
for your young adult kid or your teenager or your young kid. You don't
have to force them into therapy. You can force yourself into therapy so you
can learn how to behave with them. So anyway, but also relax,
you're not alone. If you have a young adult at home now. If
they have substance abuse issues, you've got to get them help. If they
have mental health issues, you've got to get them help. The problem is
if they're over eighteen, you can't legally force them into anything. And that's
why I suggest going to therapy yourself so that you can get some strategies on
how to deal with this. And I know it's scary to think we're going
to turn our kids out on the street. Oh my mom did was charge
me a little rent and then before you know it, I was out there.
Okay, listen, plenty of people get into marriages and somewhere around seven
to fourteen years. I find that's my opinion. You get into the adult
rooms of the marriage. You look at that person in your life. Why
did I marry this person? This person I'm not even attracted to anymore?
Wait, I'm supposed to have sex with this person? What the heck?
This is normal? Your marriage is in the duldrums? Does that mean it's
headed for divorce court? Not necessarily. When we come back. Things that
you should try before giving up on your marriage. You're listening to The Doctor
Wendy Walls Show and kf I AM six forty but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. You're listening to kf I AM six forty on demand. Kf I
Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy wallsh with you. This is actually
the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. Last segment what two hours
goes by fast? Doesn't? Producer Kayla, it flew by tonight. It's
so much funny. I had two producers. That's why producer Christina here as
well. She did great with the music today, by the way, really
fun. They make a lot of give me one munch. I'm surprised you
knew that old throwback country. So I love it. I love it.
Well. You know I have a double life, right, I also own
a place in a rural area and a drop sport truck and drive a Ford
truck without listen to country music, right girl, I'll come to La again
in mon Tesla and I listen to my jazz. Just saying of a double
life. So I was having lunch with a friend whose marriages and the duldrums
as many marriages are, you know, Kayla on the break brought up the
movie seven Year Itch, right, the Mail Monroe movie that is all about
like after a certain point the excitement goes down. That doesn't mean that the
quality of the relationship doesn't has to go down. It doesn't mean that you're
not attached, right. So I was giving my friend advice based on just
the research I read all the time, and I apply this to my relationship
with Julio. So, Huli and I have only been together for three years.
He keeps saying it's a new relationship, and I keep saying, we
need to make sure that it always feels new. So, like tomorrow,
we both have the day off, and I said, why don't we drive
and eat somewhere we ate in the early days of our dating. Let's just
find a place that we have good memories. He because, don't you do
that when you've been married, like twenty years go back to I go no,
no, even now too. So the research shows that long term,
committed, happy people do often revisit, either mentally or physically, the early
days of their relationship. Remember where we went on our first date. Remember
the time when we got caught in the rain at that place. Oh my
god, that was And so it puts your brain back in that place.
But in the same sense, we also need newness. So we like sameness,
and we need newness. That's such a star our brain works. So
that means doing different things with your partner that you've never done before. This
is hard to do when you've been together a really long time because you know
each other inside and out. You know what you like, you know what
they like. You just kind of do the same things. But finding something
different and getting off the couch and saying we are going to do this is
a good idea. And here's an example. I have heard that some couples
do this. It's called the glass bowl the glass bowl game. You keep
a glass bowl somewhere in your house and whenever either of you has an idea
of a thing you'd like to do sometime, a museum you'd like to go
to, a restaurant you'd like to try, a hiking trail you haven't been
on a yoga retreat, skydiving, I don't know. A race car driving
on the week. You know, if you do that, you can rent
like a race car and go to track or to Porsha track down there.
I think they do it down a Manhattan beature hing whatever. Anything, write
it down, put it on the piece of paper. Okay, yes,
you can put new sexual positions there too. Okay. Everything. And then
every once in a while, when you're starting to feel bored with your relationship
or you're fighting or whatever. We're going to the bowl. We're going to
the bowl, and you pull out and you have a deal. You open
that paper and you have to do whatever's in there. Right. It doesn't
matter who put it in. It's random. It's going to be random.
Ncause makes it exciting. But you have to People say relationships are work.
That's what the work is, and it should be joyful work. You should
think when you do something for your partner that you don't want to do or
you it's not about them taking something from you. It's about you investing in
the relationship and investing for the future. So producer Kayla and I have a
favorite researcher, doctor John Gottman, the Marriage Lab of the University of Washington,
and here are some things that he suggests to try before giving up on
your marriage. Number one, complain without blame. Are you in the habit
of totally criticizing your partner and blaming them for all your problems? Guess what
it's better to say instead of saying, like you're always late, how about
I was really worried when you didn't call me. That's the truth. Stay
on your feelings right. Also, learn to Number two, pair conflicts skillfully.
Don't put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. I want you to
talk about things rather than dismissing them. Because that water under the bridge flows
back. Trust me, you have to deal with it. The healthiest couples
have tiny little fights on a regular basis. Number three, he calls it,
stay focused on the issues at hand. I call it, don't flood
right, focus on just the deal that you're talking about. Oh and another
thing. Oh, this sounds like last week when you did that. Right,
don't go there, Stay on one thing. Now, here's a big
one, he suggests. And I'm a big believer in this. Boost your
physical affection. Hold hands, hug, touch, It releases oxytocin, dope
and meine serotonin. It calms you down. I mentioned that Julio and I
have been a part in the last week or two, and we back together
and I've been sleepy and calm and relax. I can feel the oxytocin and
dopamine flowing through my body. So even though the person's driving you crazy,
touch them more, even though they're being avoidant, reach out to them.
Nurt your fondness and admiration. I say, remember why you valued your partner,
Remember why you were there in the first place. And instead of always
insisting on your way, because it never feels good to win a fight when
they go, oh all right, think instead about where your common ground is
for both of you. Also, spend time together. You know, I
know partners who say, you know, my relationships so boring right now,
we're just adding excitement by doing things separately a lot. We're just going out
and doing different things. That's not the way to it. Find new things
to do together. Communicate honestly about all the key issues. I've heard people
say, I don't know how to tell my husband this, so I'm just
not going to bring it up. No, bring it up. Find a
way to bring it up. And finally, and this is a big one,
practice not only forgiveness, but practice gratitude. You know, if you
are constantly thinking about what your partner has not done for you lately, if
you're constantly thinking about the problems in the relationship, of course the next step
is going to be divorced about. Ask yourself why you were there in the
first place, what they do right, how you value them, and if
they had made mistakes. Be the bigger person and forgive, learn to forgive,
learn to accept people. At the end of my lunch with my friend,
you know, she was saying, Oh, you know my husband,
all he does is work or this or that, and he likes to go
to the gym and he doesn't like to do the thing. I said,
maybe that's what it all. He's got accept it. That's who he is,
and it's okay. Everybody's not meant to be a clone of us.
They're different people, they really are. Our partner is a different person.
So forgive them for their faults, have gratitude, and then you will remind
your brain of why you're there in the first place. You have been listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I invite you to join my Patreon.
We have zoom rooms every Wednesday at six thirty. The handle is patreon dot
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