Hey, there are in Devian's Junior Adventures and Friends. This is MK Gibson,
the DM for the Dicey Bastards, and I'm going to take a moment
to let you know that this episode is sponsored by a friend of the podcast,
the multiple time authors and Dragon's Con guests, Scott Bertness. For those
who don't know Scott, he has a couple of trilogies that you should check
out now. I've personally read and loved his first series, The Monsters in
the Midwest, which begins with Wisconsin Vamp. This horror comedy series has bowling
vampires, beer drinking werewolves, and zombies I like to watch Jeopardy. Fans
of Rick Waaltereri's Bill a Dead or Drew Hayes' Vampire account Fred series will enjoy
The Slice of the Midwest Now as others. Trilogy, The Misadventures of a
Paranormal Post Relationship, Personal Effects Repossession Specialist is a comedic urban fantasy in the
style of Terry Bratchett and Charlene Harris, you know, provided they were getting
drunk and trying to write the dreas and files. The first book, The
Complete Misadventures of August Shade, Stars, Shape Shifter August Shade, the hero
we don't want, we don't need, or really considered to be much of
a hero at all. But he does need the cash, so he'll take
the job. You can find Scott's books on Amazon and ebook, paperback and
audio. But the beer you should drink while reading them, well that's in
your fridge. Come meg row Dirty, Come he did the can. Join
the questing is un charted. Join the icy basted six writers face off by
a roll of the dice Tale. Fight Dirty, leave nothing behind but fingerprits
and a tall tail, stealing cats, breaking fats with frenchy of time,
Take kill and spicy Bastess ten pisos diicing and you know the cabby jastybasts.
Come on and join Enticing Bastard. Hey, there're Devian's Junior Adventures and friends.
Welcome to the next episode too. I did for you their Steve of
Authors and Dragons presents the Dicey Bastards. I'm Mk Gibson, your host,
and dudge am Master, author of such books as she dreams of Fire and
the Capeses a lie. And who do I have with me today? Well,
it's the same people I always have so it's no surprise. Let's start
with Robert Bevan. Hello friends, Robert Bevin here, author of The Caverns
and Creatures, a series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories. Here I
am playing Torcer, the Sorcerer, the Sorcerer with the Moorcerer. Ah,
and that's pretty much it. Yeah, that's pretty good, all right.
Next up is Ricky Gird Ricky Gerd don't don't don't muck my uh the fact
that I was just like trying to breathe stomach bio last night. Anyway.
My name is ric Qulterion. I play oo fee Seater in real life.
I write several things, none of it I remember right now. Oh yes,
check out Tales of the Crypto Hunter. They have brand new covers,
but the same great terror, much like me trying to breathe last night.
All right, Drew Hayes, you got top that clip clup flip flop.
It's the Liberator Alligator Cobert, the expedient, riding high off of last sessions,
being useful and preparing to lose that buzz soon, played by me.
Drew Hayes, author of books such as Superpowered Spread, The Vampire Accountant,
and the Villain's Code series number three of which is coming out soon when I
don't know that's what I said soon. I'm going to give that a nine,
but the Russian judges gave it a four. I'm sorry about that.
Emily Kaplin your turn. Well, Hello, it's Emily. I'm playing Claudia,
of course, the rogue, the lady of layers, who has collected
her very first layer, which she hasn't worn yet, her wonderful Wala Tina
Mask. I write books under the name em Captain, and the newest one
is Arsenic and Alan Alibis, which you should definitely read. Fantastic. I'm
reading it myself right now. And Steve, well, yeah, Steve Weatherill,
your last but not list sir. Oh thank you. Hi there,
I'm Steve Webrell, and I play Stan Dandieliver, fearless leader or at least
mildly concerned leader of this group of widows and vagabonds. Also premium Alligator Surfer.
And in real life I write such books as ow I don't know everyone
you left will be eaten by wolves. Go check that out. It's depressing,
you know. The funny thing is the way you structured that Steve Oh,
I don't know, could have also been a book title. Yeah,
you know, that's that next effort coming next summer. I don't know.
All right, Before we get to the game, I want to a quick
moment to remind everybody listening that if you're not already part of the A and
D family, then you're missing out. Please head over to Patreon dot com
slash Authors and Dragons and check out our various tears of berks. Just the
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Someone just recently got married, It's amazing. Or you can head over
to Authors and Dragons dot com and check out the merch link at tea Public
for some really cool swag. Well, let me interterrupt you for a second.
Give you there, because Tea Public has some new swag out there,
and it's not with our great designs, but this time they're taken into account
the fact that not only should our unsightly bodies be covered by things like their
great T shirts, but are unsightly bald heads as well. Because Tea Public
is now offering baseball caps. Once again. I saw those They're actually pretty
cool. Once again with your favorite authors and dragons design. And if you
don't have a favorite authors and dragons design, go to Tea Public and pick
one. Jesus Christ, do I have to do everything for you at the
end? There big tour rag BT energy. Now, Frans, if you
don't have the cash but you are looking away to support the podcast, you
can always do the rigamarole. You can like subscribe, rate and leave comments
wherever for whatever podcasts you use or on YouTube. Those clicks and those comments
mean more to us than you realize. Okay, with that shilling out of
the way, let's get into the game. Yeah, if you just want
to DM me and tell me I'm a good boy, that's fine. That's
all I really need out of this. Yeah. That that is actually his
kink, so I'll give you his private thing after the end of the game.
All right, greetings, all this is Connie Stands Conscience. How are
you? I don't know about you, but I'm losing faith in this band
of no Dowells. Not only do they leave a Koala corpse in the room,
a bloody trail to the secret escape patch, they also nearly drowned from
a fairly simple swim. These people, am I right? On the last
adventue? Fully simple? You could be a bit fairy. I still have
a lung full of water here. How about your ease up on me?
Voice in my head? What do you mean? These people? You know?
Stand? Tell them? You know what I mean? You know those
people? Oh we are on your eard here, cuddie e fuck off Standel
Staniel. I never liked you all right. In the last adventure of the
Icy Bastards dove into the dark waters of a subterranean river to avoid the popo.
They found their water environments shucking narrowly dodging electrified kilt. The team nearly
managed to escape unscathed. A few bad rolls left Stan shorts of breath,
but thanks to the quick thinking and the luscious lips of one moog face eater,
Stand avoided drowning. But he did not escape the scornful glare of Claudia,
who was not pleased to see Stan checked cheating on his life partner.
Speaking of joryser the Sorcerer, due to a lifetime of being an indoor kid
and his lack of muscle tone meant he got zapped into his unconsciousness and into
complete shit, if you know what I mean. It was a sad day
indeed for Joyser went limp, but smart thinking on the part of our crimson
clad caster meant that the end of his stands rope was attached to Jorser's manhood,
allowed to be drug along like a perverted balloon. All of Jowser's muscle
tone is in his cock. Once again, move face either came to the
rescue. Our beloved orcish elf shoved a good buried down Grocer's throat, bringing
him back from the point of death. We left the team just as they
entered the domain of four legally distinct tortal monks and their were rat mentor let's
see what happens next league, you late the stake, total monk. All
right, folks, as we left off, you had just got done your
little little light swim there, and uh you did fairly well. Jorcer is
not looking good at barely one hit point. The rest of you got banged
up in a variety of ways. Kabb still being a crocodile, died did
the best. As you enter this domain, you do see four tortles who
appear to have a color coded a way about them, and they do have
a monk like persuasion. They're at the far end of the field is a
where rat. You've entered their home and they're now staring at you. The
game is yours? What would you like to do? I'm gotta remember that
for next time. I'm going to take some notes. Next time we're in
a water situation, be a crocodile. It recommend it did not hurt.
I'll say that I recommend. Okay, Well, then that was exciting,
wasn't it. Gang anyone else's life flashed before their eyes? Mine was pretty
entertaining. Not gonna lie? Well good, I mean you were behind me
on the rope, so that's fine. Remember you were down current from completion.
Well, let's forget that. Ever happened? Did that flash before your
eyes? Daniel Stan, your mustache is looking well waxed? Well, do
you know I take a take an inspiration the next time you need to.
If you really need to roll again, you can have it. That was
just come out of war, Like, why is my mustache the only thing
on me that's dry? And this is the quality people come back for us?
God? Okay, So as you guys are sitting there talking about yourselves.
These turtles start looking like they see you, and they start kind of
They're not hostile looking yet, but you are walking into their home. As
I've said last time, the only one that like none of you recognize him
except for Cobert, who's still an alligator for him because he stood next to
the one in purple Da Vinci when they were standing outside waiting for the tryouts
to be a part of the dicey bastards. And unfortunately I can't talk to
anybody while in Crocodile for I don't see why not. I mean, I
can't talk, but you guys can't understand me. Fair enough? Give you
when you say home, do you mean home or do you mean somebody has
put some furniture in some kind of sewer runoff the ladder? Okay, well,
stand out of the deliver is nothing if not polite. He will wipe
his feet before stepping into this shit stained tunnel of by all meats. All
right, so you make a show, give me, give me a performance
role. Let's see how well you uh you know, I want to I
want to see how well you uh show a little decorum If I end up
wiping something worse on that domat. I mean, it's it's credible, it
could be a right, okay, knocking on the well. You're you're right,
you're still in the entryways. So at thirteen above average, you know
everything ten is average, you know, so, but you did an above
average job of making a show of like a pardon me on, don't mean
to bring sewage and semen into your home, my bad so into you and
already seems replete with those substances. Yeah, it's a it's not a pleasant
smell down here, I'll say the least you know the it is, Uh,
it's pungent, turthy. Yeah, I'll try, I'll try and capitalize
on this. So far good first impression. All right, this aggressive looking
one in red steps steps up to Tuesday. What are you? Who are
you already doing at our home? Man? You greetings? Sewer moutants whoa
no use the M word. I'm sorry. I can't be expected to keep
up with that. You know, times just move so quickly. Some God
comes down from the heavens fucks the Swan, and all of a sudden I'm
supposed to learn the cultural sensitivities of the Swan folk. Ain't no sin no
swansea here man. You tell him, dude, And this other one comes
over. He seems a young girl more uh, a little more idiotic,
like something of a party dude, something like that, you know, just
a trail of cocaine dusting behind him. Oh my god, Yeah, he
blissed out of his mind. Yeah. Hello, I'd like to introduce you
to in something of a hurry, but this is my my party. We
are possibly the world's most fisc and fighting team. You have a moog,
he's a he's cool but crewed, by which I mean possibly a murderer,
and Jawcera is the party dude, by which I mean possibly too much of
a body dude. Hello, uh so, George, I needed to ask,
is your robe open or clothes at this point? Right now? It's
closed, okay, because you guys are soaked, so it's glad he still
has his robe. Prise God for small miracle are the there's no wonder to
show off right now? Yeah, because you got to. You had a
hemp based robin tug during that thing and dead and brought back, so you're
you're looking pretty peaked at the moment. Are these guys wearing masks by chance.
Uh you know what. No, they're like, we're again, legally
distinct. They just happen to have a nice color coating going on. Yeah,
they're holding pastry, they're holding I love. Don't tease me, sir.
I suppose they are in their living room. Why would they be disguised
it? Well, I don't know their proclivities, but you know, I
just thought I would ask. All right, the one in Pero comes by
and points, hey, wait a minute, adjust the spectacles he's got on
his monica. That will make a different Oh, you're that you're that stand
guy right, legally distinct, you're that stand guy right. You were holding
the tryouts, that's right, yeah, stand down. Deliver at your service,
providing you don't need me to do any cleaning work. Obviously. I
was waiting outside that that that that whorehouse for like the whole day, man,
the whole day. Oh uh, well, you know that's what people
do. They wait outside, they get over, they're shame, they go
into the wholehouse. That's how it works. No, to try out for
your team, man, Oh I see. Uh, well, you know
it's a busy day and a lot of strong contenders. Look Caba. He's
half horse. Also in the fight club they wait for three days. So
yeah, oh Cobera's not a horse half horse right now unless you change back
and I wasn't paying attention. Nope. Still, as Stan says this,
the alligator or the crocodile will wave a little. You mean the crocodile is
so basically, you walked a crocodile in on a leash, because it's still
on the rope. So I will gesture to my crocodile on a leash.
It's like, behold my half horse front. So that hang on. Dude,
seriously, dude, like you brought a reptile as your pet into our
home. You think owning a reptile is a cool thing to do. Dude
will just casually kind of reach up and well he was holding it in his
mouth. He could just drop the rope. I did not remember the details
of how we found Okay, I'll just to be honest. The reptile was
was leading us. If anything, he's sort of in charge of this incursion,
if you will, a lot of respect for reptiles. Yeah, the
were rat. He kind of SLINKs up and he's like he's he seems a
little feral, like, you know, there's some intelligence behind the eyes,
but he's definitely in a were rat form, and he's just kind of steering
you down, like, can't tell, are you a meal? Like feels
like these could go a variety of ways. So, oh, a ratman,
You'll be pleased to know that ninety percent of our surface steph are indeed
vermin. That immediately his tone ship's like, really, yeah, we're very
progressive establishment apparently, so rats are welcome in your establishment. Well, I
didn't have much choice in it, but incredibly prevalent. Let's saying there are
much rat fucking going on there. There is a lot of rat fucking.
He licks his lips at that. One's tell me more, tell me more.
It's not my job to talk you off, feller, I've only just
met you. Well, no, it's just okay. Why are you in
our home? Well, it's a long story. We don't know, wasn't
it? Tirely sure? Where the escape tunnel? Why you in my escape
tunnel? No, this is Trudy good Night's escape tunnel. She gives us
refuge down here. I was unaware of that arrangement, that's but yeah,
Treaty did say we could enter this tunnel. She didn't say anything about you,
guys. Oh, so you know Trudy a well apparently a little better
than I thought I did. Yes, Yes, Trudy a wonderful lady who
was assured our escape. And I'm sure if you could talk to her and
did. God, I hope she's still alive. She would vouchers as being
some cool guys. Well, he just rolled a natural one on his insight
check, so he basically believes everything you just said. Uh so to your
favorite, True, I understand, but he's still doing it. He wants
to know if you're lying. The game goes two ways, man, but
do me your favorite. Just give me a persuasion roll and beat a natural
one. He could be wrong. Kind of pressure, you could be both
not lying and incorrect. I guess seventeen. Okay, so la butter on
that basic truth. Then the guy like, I'm Master Flinder. Truthy's a
friend of ours. She's she's given refuge to those of us who don't quite
fit into normal society, because up top it's a lot of humans and elves
and half elves and and things like that, but not a lot of turtles
and folks like me. Are welcome in the town, so we have to
find refuge words to cancer. Trudy made sure we had a place to stay.
Would you care to take a dive in our ooze? Bond more confused.
So so Koala man who bare woman skinned was allowed to walk in town,
but turtles not what a reasonable response? Honestly, entirely reasonable. That
will just slap a hand over his face. So, yes, turtles aren't
exactly but loved up top because you know, obviously we're my, my,
my children, my adoptive children. They look different and they have hard shells
and they don't really pass. I guess all our cuture is that a Koala
mask that girl is wearing. Claudia will sidle up to Rembrand in a manner
of speaking and say, hey, I like your shell. Is that removable?
Oh no? Oh my okay, h no, but I can I
can retreat inside of it? You want to see hell? Yeah, So
he puts down his uh uh, let's say his his weapon. I won't
say which kind, and he retreats inside of his shell, this legally distinct
weapon. Yes, that definitely won't have to get left behind in the sequel
because it's too violent. Yes, if you wish to take nap now,
move can almost guarantee you that, like you know, the bear woman probably
won't do something heinous to you. Well, if you are friends of Trudy's,
then you are you are welcome in our home. Uh there. The
escape tunnel continues to the southeast as you can see, and leads into the
forest south side of the town. All I ask is that you don't tell
any nobody else that we're down here, because my children go up at night
to fight crime and help keep the streets as safe as possible, but we
get no respect for it. When do you say fight crime? Yes?
Are you just randomly assaulting people? Listen, man, let's not split hairs,
all right. Sometimes we work for this one guy and then father Brandon
who needs like he needs shake down on certain guys who haven't paid up.
Okay, we don't. We run a protection racket. Okay, you know,
but it's it's it's hard making work when you're aware rat and and four
tortals. Okay, So, yes, we shake people down. Is that
what you wanted to hear? Fine, you got it out of me.
Who's the big man with a fancy hat, who's the and who's the rat
man who's got a home and when whens some food and a warm place to
stay until you rest up. Okay, well I do have a fancy hat.
That's true, well Ja Jazz clause. While they're while they're talking,
the move wants to take like you know, eyeball the place and see if
there's any if there's anything outside of the filth of this being a sewer,
like you know, any clumps rat here, maybe like you know, sloughed
off turtle scales or so lying on the floor. Not really, they actually
keep it fairly well swept out. I mean the entry, I mean the
obviously it's a stone location. They have no mattresses. They sleep on wooden
slats and everything that's every book and piece of literature they have done here has
been kind of flushed away. So it's a lot of like copies of like
Shingles books that are just sitting on the shelves, so a natural accumulation of
Shingles books. And and there is of course a giant, like small lake
of well giant lake of ooze down there that kind of bubbles and churns and
royals. But other than that, it's it's fairly you know it's it's kept
nice. It's austere, but nice. I have to ask you, teenage
mutant ninja criminals. We are in hurry, But what's with the ooze?
First off, I'm twenty seven dude, so be respect. Uh that it
kind of came with the place. It's this stuff that's kind of been bubbling
up from like there's an old dwarfing like settlement below us, and they drill
too deep and now this caustic crab comes up. But for us, when
we dive into it, it it sometimes it makes us better. One time
I had a third arm. Uh, it changes every time you dive into
it. If you want to get a shot feel free, you know when
you never know what's gonna happen when you get into it. So I can
see how I fa might be b I could do some healing. Actually,
is that one of the effects? Uh? It has it has done that
in the past. Sure for me? Does anybody like master Phone is like
I could bite you and you can become aware of rat and that way you
would be much more resistant to natural damage. Wait until I can have an
erection. Again. He doesn't know how to answer that, so he's just
gonna take two steps back out the rat living in the sewer. Well just
maybe that's the way you survive a vampire movie, just as as soon as
they are better than wait wait till I'm hot. Uh. But so the
turtles uh like Rembrand pops out of his shows. I see, that's pretty
cool. Uh So the turtles uh callo. She being the leader, starts
telling them to like gather up some food and some things to help out,
you know, friends of truty. Good night. So they gather up some
well let's just say seafood of the sewers, and they start cooking it on
an open fire. It's the chicken of the sewage pipe. Yeah, so
I mean there, it wasn't natural waterway down there. It wasn't too dirty
well ish at you know, some sea life does make their way from the
bay into the sewer. It's it's all weird and just go with it.
So, yeah, you have some sewer bass cooking uh over an open fire.
Before too long, and the cots are set out for you guys to
crash upon if you wish to rest up, take a short rest and use
them some healing dice because it's still technically in the morning. Because you guys
woke up like in the middle of the night, so it's basically dawn.
I'm gonna pitch on the spot. Give me what kind of weapons did they
have? All right, so this one down here does have a a walking
staff that's got a blade on the enem it's more of a glave. Callo
does have a long sword, Rembrandts got a war pick, and Monette is
carrying a flail. All right, so well, what we're taking a wrestling
we talk to uh to Monet and pull out my my mace widow crippler.
Okay, well he's got a morning Stars he's got so it's every more than
a flail type thing, so it's it's dankly bit so it's like, that's
pretty cool, man. I will whisper to every Well, but before this
happens, let's not try to offend our hosts. Everyone be polite until we
can safely get the fuck out of this ship. Ah well, I'm up
on their hospitality and uh oh yeah, we want to we want to get
some hit points back before we uh yeah, we are half drowned. That
is not easy to get through. So good luck, I mean, good
job, Like, did you a good thing? You avoided the Uh.
Yeah, it's hard to get your breath back when everything smells of wet head?
Is that is that Move's breath? I don't know. I mean he's
only kissed you. So, like I said, move's going to try to
befriend Monet and okay, Move moves be like you know you, you like
you, you give you give Moog and friends help when Moog needs it.
Moo wishes to cement friendship. I give you, I give you this.
He looks at it and I guess it's described. Is the describe which one
are you giving to him? Widow Crippler describe it to me. It's amaze.
I understood it. It's amazed. But I mean, is it like
what is Is it like orchestra design? Is it like Elfish design? Is
it is the Elfish to design? All right? Because he looks it over
and he mutters in in an Orchish tongue, oh, this is beautiful.
So he's like he says thank you, but he like he looks at it
like this is the this is a this is an Orchish design. That's one
of my favorites, like thank you, Move, gift to you if if
you wish to give Move gift. Then Move will that that will cement us
as as brothers forever. He looks at the Can you use a flail?
Yes, can use flail? All right, Well do you mind if I
turn this into a flail because I'm better at flails. But I will offend
you if I have this converted, this mace converted into a flail. Do
it need to be done? All right, He'll swap your weapons. Mog
will put to put the flail in his bag. Okay, so who did
you kill with this? Who did you kill with this flail that you're just
trying to get rid of that move no moves. Move's main weapon is orphan
splitter, his axe, his his mace, ISA just a backup weapon.
Okay, so I forget, Oh this is legitimate. It felt nefarious.
I'm not gonna lie. I felt nefarious. I just put like they were
just going with that. Okay, cool. Oh you're not trying to,
you know, incriminate that tell that's that's refreshing. This is being a rav
Why would Move incriminate. It's not like we it's not like we using escape
tunnel to escape from authorities, were just taking midnight swim. That does raise
a good point, Master Flinder. It kind of like, so this is
an escape tunnel that Trudy had set up a long time ago. What are
you escaping from? Uh? Misunderstanding? Well, that's it. We didn't
see it. Sometimes I have vague misunderstandings. Well that means you. Okay,
you're the guy that's her boss. Correct, from the owner of the
establishment and her employer. I like to think with something of a co op,
but with me being in charge there and we if so much should come
down this way, we will cover for you, I recommend. I don't
well, how they are they hot on your heels? Do you even have
time to stay and take a short rest which takes an hour? H Do
you have time or do you need to go? Hmm, good question.
We barely made it fruit at the almost somehow familiar, familiarly dangerous tunnel.
True, Trudy didn't give you the underwater breathing potions. She may have forgot,
or she may have said it to me, and I may have missed
heard and be getting on a little bit. It was. It was chaotic,
okay. Uh, then you if you are being pursued by somebody question
mark, Yes, somebody's Okay, then you don't have time to stay,
so I recommend yeah, to the southeast. Is you can find the way
out, we'd let well, you can push you up if you want to
spend it hour, but I don't know if that's gonna That tunnel is dangerous,
but people obviously people can get through, and they need to. Now,
we we would not want friends to be caught up in in misunderstanding.
Okay, before I make a decision on that, I'd like to take a
dip in the ouse. Okay, go for it. Oo canon ball,
all right, give me a second. Okay, quit dip in use and
then we will continue running for our lives. Everybody agreed, Let's wait for
him to come out first. I just mean Joe, sir, I'm not
dipping in alligator noises. Second, here, now that pool is uh,
you know nine. For some reason, the ooze becomes more unappealing. Now
it's a Jews, the Jewish person. Sorry, sorry, not sorry,
sorry, not sorry. I guess like in the next eventure, we'll meet
like Bee popping rock Steady if they were all if they were both giant mutant
sperm. Oh no, I see what happens in your slash roll. I'm
gonna do a random thing for you. I mean, I've got cock steady,
I can't think of everything for bebopy becock. That'll do it. I'm
curious to find out why you're rolling for hey kitty, all right? Uh?
Or are well? No? Uh, you are healed back to full.
Every magic item, every magic item you are wearing disintegrates, and you
now have a third nipple. Oh wait, including his jewel ring. Uh
oh that's a very good yeah. Uh technically yes, oh well, this
wiped out incredibly for us. This was not planned because I was based.
I was basing this off of a deck of many things basically, so it
was kind of like with a few with a few advantages and disadvantages. So
yeah, the the cock bomb melts off. As far as I'm a web
that's the only magical. I mean, according to my inventory, I have
universal solvent and a wand of wonder. I don't know where either of those
came from. That came from the one shot I ran for you guys when
you guys, yes speaking, look it was it was. It was for
George, for Claudia and and uh uh Brandon thime Master. Oh well,
also I had two portions of healing, Well, you don't have it anymore.
They're all gone now it doesn't matter, yea. So so Moo can
like actually like wave his hand around and not like you worry about, like
you know, making grocers dick card. Yes, one hundred percent. Uh
that is that really undermined everything you guys are doing when it comes to like
like everything that I planned over like I mean, make sale, make payments
come back like that. Wow that Now that being said, you just broke
a contract with the age father, so nothing bad could possibly happen. So,
yes, the the bomb around your wiener is gone. Uh it is
now it is just now a normal cockran I don't know how to get rid
of things in my inventory. So that stand will and wisely say out loud
like, oh Greg, we're no longer bounded to I suppose they had to
cry master father of Brandon. I guess we fucked him over accidentally. Accidentally.
Crocodile noises got you back, Drew, Crocodile noises. Klaudia would love
to run over to the pond. And she's been digging around in her bag
she has if anybody remembers some goo organs, yes, and she would like
to dunk them into the goo and see the other the ooze. See what
happens. Okay, hang on slash roll. Please be a bomb, Please
be a bomb. Become bombs and bombs in Chorucer's cock. Okay, in
second, you really put your eyes and put me on the spot here,
all right, so here we go? Where did it go? Where we
go? Give me? You put a giant pull of ooz in here?
I did you put a random effect in front of them? Have you not?
I was hoping the timetable might push you a little bit, but you
know what? Fuck me? So all right, let's oh yeah, there
was. There was. As soon as you had a random effect encounter effects
table in play, someone's going to put a dick in it. Givvy.
It's just the way because also you know the time Crunch's let the people come
here from Crunch forced my hand. I couldn't use my uh my human dice.
Also, we're not in a bad spot here because at least half of
them are going to drown going through that tunnel. And we have reinforcements now,
although fighting murdered the authorities is not is not my first option here,
but we do have a choke point and go hu move. Didn't see a
badge on any of them. A lot of things rolling here. Nope,
yep, got a problem all right. Uh, you have a mirror in
your hand. Huh it is it is a platinum hand mirror. Oh uh
can you if you do not know what identified magining like that? We will
uh save that for other time. But you now have a platinum hand mirror
in your hand. It's okay. And also your your fingernails have all like
fallen out. And when Georcer comes out of the ooze, he is naked
safe for his hat. Well, well that's not really an improvement. No,
though I am tempted to dip my hand in the ooze for my clothes
magic. I don't even if we could blame that on the ooze or if
that was just him taking a moment to shed his clothing. It's not the
first time we've seen this man nude. Are you putting your hand in?
Then there one with the gem of food mark because yeah, not a problem,
Mark Fu. Yeah, Mark Mark Fu was on his dick and your
food Mark Ye, yep, not a problem. Slash oh twenty two twenty
two okay, all right, you gain proficiency in the persuasion skill, and
you double your checks whenever you make a proficiency skill and except on it negative
one right now, yes, so you have you gain proficiency, so you
could basically it's a proficience thing. So you can add your proficiency modi fire
and so basically become an expert in persuasion. And your hand is now missing.
It is just the like you pull your thing back and it's just gone.
At the wrist. It is just not there, like the skin is
gone, like you're the hand and the that gem. Then other plot line
is now gone. So cool, we'll touch it just to make sure it's
not like an invisible hand. Now, No, it is just gone.
Stand will lean over to uh, the rat that appears to be in charge,
and remind me how permanent are these effects? Well, for my children,
let's put it this way. They they weren't always turtles. They were
just four guys who are looking around and then weird. It just gets weird.
Uh, every time you dive into it, it gets weirder. So
I see, well that's problematic. Yeah, sorry, sorry, move you've
put one hand now Joecerah, you're nude. But I suppose that's but the
best part is only works like once a day, so now it's just weird
do for them going going to make fighting difficult since orphan splitter is two hundred
weapon. But oh, I was like, at least archer. Uh you
know, well alligator noise, Well there are you know, you know,
moves moves a break guy. There are artificials out there who can recreate a
hand You just got to kind them and pay them and then you get a
prosthetic. So uh, there are people that exist you can create prosthetics.
So uh oh yeah, you you starched far and wide for a good hand
job. But it's worth the after new quest. I feel like as a
responsible leader, I should have said this earlier. Nobody go in the weird
goo puddle, please work great for me. Alligator noises Chorcer was lucky.
Huh. I mean I lost a few magic items I forgot I had and
uh and my clothes were my robes magical or no. This is just it
just ate them off and it's just you know, it's and also it's also
funny this way, but you have a big third nipple right in the middle
and it's kind of way bigger than your other nipples. It's right in the
middle of your chest. Anything comes out of that. Okay, anybody else
want to fuck with the puddle of ooze? Or do they want to move
on because because alligator noises the back? Okay, standing shore you and put
your head in and see if it comes alive and eat your fucking face.
Uh no, you're right. Okay, Well this has been a terrible goodbye
all Okay, we will bye. You sure you're like, well, yeah,
you are being chased by somebody, okay, so yeah, yeah,
I don't I don't know if the short rest is worth the squeeze one.
You've taken my friend's hand and give it. You have what a massive nipple.
This will lead out into the woods and it will it will lead to
a location that you can you can find a place to hide once you're out
in the woods if you want to take a stop a short rest. Otherwise,
it's about another day's march to the halfway point, which would be the
crossroads in and tavern that you know. I think this one Elvish family runs
it. They're very sweet and they're very nice. They'll put you up for
the night. You have to bypass that think and that's unfortunately, is the
only way that Otherwise it's really hard over Lanta rained you have to go buy
it, but and then but you can continue on to like say know,
West Cherry or beyond if you just go past that. But there are plenty
of places you can like hide into the woods. So okay, anybody wants
to to stop at the alf tavern, raise two hands? Guess went by
passing? You can't it right now, but is flipping will turn to Monett
and be like, thank you friend. Moog will never forget you, and
I won't forget you either, dude. Uh, that's that's a rough one.
Yeah, I mean I got, I got stronger when I got in.
I mean it's it's I get. But it gave me one larger testicle
than the other. And you want to see, it's really weird. No,
okay, okay, I thought were friends. That's cool. I'm trying
to share my pain with you. But you know that's cool, you know,
you do you man, one always hangs a little loud and you have
a You're probably gonna be fine. No, I mean it's like really big.
It's like ones like the size of like a like you know, a
fist. In the other ones is a normal testical size. It's a fantastic
conversation. All we'll shake hands with you, but well, you know you've
got to you've got your hands. You gotta what you gotta, we gotta
Well, you got another hand. Claudia wants to see. Okay, he
comes over and pulls open his his He opens up his breeches there and pulls
them down a little bit, and sure a ship you know for these these
reptiles with testicles who probably shouldn't be there. One is like, you know,
normal testical golf ball size, and the other one is the size of
like a large fist. This is one of the turtles. Yeah, does
he have like another hole in a shell where they come out from? Yeah?
Like can he retract them? Yeah you can't. Actually would wouldn't be
a very good show. Yes, he can retract them. Yes, Klattie
will take out her platinum mirror and angle it so that the turtle, the
turtle can see better as well. Oh that's the scup. I don't need
look at that. Wonderfucking moddel I don't know. He stands from one side,
stands on the other side. What do you think is it too bad.
Is it weird? What do you think I'm unfamiliar with turtle testicles,
never mind the whole testicle realm, there's an audience for it. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, you could have a real money maker here, sir.
But thanks, thank you for science. Thank you. All right, do
you guys want to fuck around some like some some some turtle nuts and more
or you you want to head out of here? Absolutely? Not really?
Yeah, alligator noises as I'm scampering gathering, We'll give them an invisible wave.
Goodbye. I need to get out into the woods so that Claudia can
make me some clothes. I'd say it was a pleasure, but it really
wasn't. Goodbye. You guys go for a while, you hike through the
woods, and you do eventually find a spot to rest for the evening.
You press on, and you press on, you press on, and you
get to and you set up a camp site and and a pretty hidden culd
a sack. By this point, Drew's wild shape has worn off. He's
back to being his normal centaur himself. Because then you don't hold it for
X number of hours plus you'r h whatever it is. Yeah, yeah,
I was already from a little and journal. So that's what that was on
your character. Okay, it was bugging the shit. I mean I couldn't
figure it out, but uh yeah, being a druid you find a clearing
that's you know, pretty decent, so you guys can hold up for the
evening and take stock of whether at this point loaned my top or whatever they
have for lying on to make a I guess a not a robe. I
suppose more like an evening gown for choicer I just summoned to wrap around his
body. I don't know. Yeah, cocktail dress made of Yeah, it's
you basically you are. You've made a poncho, you know, or or
or to bar from Bevan's book, a serape of a tarp serape so lovely.
The top's probably not long enough to actually cover his cock. There's a
git. It was an effort. Okay, I did my best. I'm
actually kind of enjoying my cock being able to wave around freely for the first
time and forever. Oh I know, Oh well, because it's been so
restrictive every other time, you know, like I mean, it's just been
weighted down by gems and ship was this was this your penis is Goku in
the gravity disortion training arc. I don't know a powerful My wonder is once
I take off the training weights. Yeah. Now now that it's gone through
it's cockering weight training regimen. It's like, well, I'm sure they know
the power level. It's well you are now you are set to rest.
You can, uh, if you guys want to take a long rest and
press on, you can. If you want to, uh, take this
time to role play that the floor is yours. I'm here to facilitate.
Definitely gonna take up on the old spells. We want to do watches,
well, if we do, I want to take first watch so that if
if I do see an animal that I can skin for its hide and make
clothes out of that, I'll you know, use my spells to kill it
and then long rest to get it back. I'm glad you're watching overs so
diligently. Yeah. I can take whatever watches you guys need. Honestly,
I don't really feel tired at all, and move and move in his disgusting
elf form technically not sleep, just meditates. Well, I guess we can
relax for a little bit, dry out, eat some food, sleep tight.
Yeah, all your food is like at this point water logged with sewer
water, all your possessions have been I get likewise, So I mean there
might be a stream nearby that you could wash your clothes and leave them hang
out for the drive for the night. But this will be probably naked time
for everybody because you are ripe. You smell like's wish I had. I
feel like I'm gonna take this as a show of solidarity from the team,
So we'll just sit here naked and awkward while Claudia, wearing only the face
of a dead bear, watches. Well, no, she never takes off
her hat, so it's two bears at once. It's a face its head
bear and face bear, so double bear, yeah, bear on a bear
bear squared. Uh. Before we do the long rest, I have enough
spell slots that I will cast good Berry again to get us some fresh ones
that haven't been soaking at least, so thanks to a bear, you guys
are you are not hungry? I mean, you ate a berry, so
it's like you had a slim fast. You are nutritionally supplied and you are
not hungry. But I had some carefully prepared rations in that. But now
they will smell like pass at best. As we settle down, Moog will
approach Stan as we're both standing there, I guess, I guess disturbingly naked,
and and Moog will say you know you you you welcome for for what
move they did back in water cave. Remind me why I'm grateful. Well,
when you're drowning, move breathed air into your into your lungs. But
more important, but more importantly, you no longer have elf. Explain that
to me. Well, before move breathe errent, you move, said prayer
to Great Arac that when move breathe errant, you move only breathe air into
non elf half, and if you survive me, only non helf elf half
survive, whereas he would take soul of el half and I'll throw it into
his cauldron of eternal suffering. Okay, I mean you congratulations. Move.
Not sure what you are anymore, but you're not Elf. I'm glad I've
passed your psychotic racist test. But uh, also I kind of just feel
like how I was? You know, Actually, let me think about this.
Yes, move, whatever you did work perfectly, and I suppose I'm
just a half now excellent? No, no, now, move can feel
free to be friends with you without continually plotting your demise. Oh that is
reassuring. Well, you need a certain light reassuring. I mean it hasn't
solved some fundamental problems. Move. I really thought we were going to have
sort sort of a growth journey with you. But so far, all you've
done is lost the hands. I mean, yeah, move, move actually
a little bit, a little bit lighter. Wow, I mean he befriended
the total That was nice, and we had a nice cultural exchange there,
a very very nice cultural exchange. Lost a little weight, and you're you're
also your dominant hand, so this would be fun for them. I've got
to be honest with you, guys, this mission is not going as well
as I thought it. Don't worry for fancy non Elf. Moog have plan
that will make our lives much easier soon. Okay, but I already told
you that we're not going to that Elf staff. Yes, and and and
yes, and Moog would consider you know your your your orders if Moog considered
you to have any sort of authority over Moog. Oh, Moog trust Moog
have great plan. Two steps forward, one step back, Daniel, you
feel like are you feeling the whimsy that you're looking for. Oh no,
I mean I mean technically Moog is five percent less of a problem as he
was. But no, I'm a little bit worried about the Jewist for a
cock situation. I mean I always have been, but now for a different
reason. That was supposed to be our uh. I feeling great about it.
That was supposed to be our link to our benefactor. And now that
we've severed that link. No, you still have a link. I mean
you still have the little payment posts that you have to put in certain amount
of money every month otherwise, so you're also branded by him, so you
know, he can grab you whenever I find myself with a sudden advantage over
a man that I didn't really want a sudden advantage over him. They did
these magical families. They take these sort of power plays very seriously. Oh
that's for tomorrow, Staniel. Maybe you should get some resting, perhaps give
a rallying speech to your friends before we sign off for tonight. What do
you think, Yeah, I suppose that is sort of my job. Stand
will stand on a log and prepare to address the team after the first day,
Get up on a log for me. You got you got stumps there
and give me a give me an athletics. Roll makes you up there?
Okay, it's a stump giving it's slippery. Man, you're naked, I
have a splinter. You're also very close to fire. You know mistakes,
mistakes have happened, and this is the best ship. Give athletics. When
is he moving closer to the fire. We need to examine his skin for
bumps? A five fucking fantastic? All right, baby, will sit on
the stump. Well, that's you slip, you slip, fall, splinter,
hit your head on the rock and you're very much near the fire and
the plume on your hats is catching a blaze as we speak. Anybody else
but move inspired? All right, he'll try. I guess you'll just lean
on the stump with his hat still slightly on fire. Roll for concussion.
Give me a constitutions, by the way, I want to see how because
also I assume you're going to pad out the plume, the now scorched plume
on your hat. What is the constitution safeer? Do I do that too?
Hard? Yeah? Give me a constitution save yeah, yeah, just
I want to see how hard you hit the thing and how where's your wherewithal
Well, I've got a zero constitution, so just roll D twenty see what
happened? Seven? All right, long day, But there are four team
members in yourself, and you see eight of them, so U gather around
cruise spread out as you lean drunkenly on the stump. So I'm not going
to lie to you. It's not been the best first day on the JO.
Turns out I might have a daughter, which is surprising but probably the
only reason we're still alive. So thank me and whoever's mum she was later,
I guess Keber a plus. Well done adapting to the situation, retaining
a crocodile shape rather and to have to deal with those freaks. Good move.
Thanks for the caberres. Caber's that's a good name. You have to
start using that on the tour. Cabert and his cabires, Claudia, well
done. Yours had been a medium performance until just now when you sat down,
am moving you up to a B plus. JAWCERA. We may have
pissed off the most powerful crime lord in the area, but on the plus
side you got your cockback. Hooray, Moog you failed to learn any less?
Are you have to give him a great steadu you're doing for everybody else.
Plus his man boobs are much better than mine. You've got a new
nipple, so don't you a C minus to a C plus. But you've
lost all your clothes and I don't know minus to a seat cup. Yeah,
we'll leave it at ereh uh move. I can think it was a
total recall girl basically at this point. So, yeah, you've lost a
hand and you've also traded away your one handed weapon. Uh. Not a
great move all round, and you fail to learn any lessons. You're still
terrifying, and I'm worried about sleeping in your presence. D minus. But
you did save my life, so D plus. Oh, give him a
C plus, Daduel, he saved your life. He saved his life too.
He saved your life. Now he might still kill me in my sleep.
Actually, move move is giving you a thumbs up, right now,
move C plus. Don't kill me in my sleep? All right? So
that brings the average to basically a B minus to a C plus all the
way around. Ye, that's not a bad first day. It's above average.
I don't know what uh, and an extra grade through whoever lets me
sleep? Right? The hours without bothering me at all. Please don't where
the concussion will take care of that. You'll be absolutely with that. Stan
will just fall onto his back and snore very loudly and unhealthily. Uh And
I think this is a good place to end this particular episode of the Dicey
Bastards. It was a rough one they got they had a nice talk and
then work their way out of it and a few flops and follies. You
know, not everything is his action packed as an underwater sewage tunnel. But
you know what, I believe we're onto a good start giving the casual diplomatic
encounter with some titles is fucked us up way more than the death title.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't think anybody lost a limb from the tunnel.
Well, you know, I was truck well you'll you almost died a couple
of times. But I'll say this, I did put the ooze thing in
there, and I was like, let's see what happens and like like a
damn like like a like like flies to shit. Uh yeah, I should
have said that one coming. So anyway, So yeah, random effects will
always always be used, all right, so uh on behalf of the rest
of everybody, so stand where they're all Rick Waltery, Emily Kaplan, but
Robert Bevan and Drew Hayes. I'm Mk Gibson. We've the Dicey Bastards.
You've been great. Goodbye everybody. We'll see you next time. Bye.
Oh boy, that was a heck of an adventure. Dicey Bastards is brought
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