WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.119 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio Appy by Am six forty. 3 00:00:09.160 --> 00:00:12.679 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 4 00:00:12.759 --> 00:00:16.679 My favorite part of the show answering your relationship questions. I want to 5 00:00:16.679 --> 00:00:19.239 remind you I'm not a therapist. I don't have a license. I'm a 6 00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:23.600 psychology professor. But I've been reading about the science of love for a few 7 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:26.960 decades and I wrote some books on relationships. So I like to call this 8 00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:31.440 my drive by makeshift relationship advice. If you send me a DM online, 9 00:00:31.480 --> 00:00:35.719 whether it's a Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, whatever, We'll get them and 10 00:00:36.119 --> 00:00:40.600 I will keep your identity a secret. Okay, here we go. Dear 11 00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:44.119 doctor Wendy, I've been seeing this woman for six months. In the beginning, 12 00:00:44.880 --> 00:00:48.560 she let me know that we were just friends with benefits. Oh you 13 00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:52.240 know where this is going. Fast forward six months to today. I have 14 00:00:52.280 --> 00:00:56.399 started developing feelings for her. I've brought up my feelings for her recently, 15 00:00:56.439 --> 00:01:00.520 and she reminded me that we were just friends and that she's not the right 16 00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:03.680 woman for me. Now she's become distant. How do I go about the 17 00:01:03.719 --> 00:01:08.959 relationship? Should I just walk away? Or should I continue being friends with 18 00:01:10.040 --> 00:01:15.120 benefits? Well, you only you know the answer to this question. If 19 00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:19.879 you're in a relationship with somebody and you're having sex with them and it is 20 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:23.879 becoming unrequited love, then that can be very painful. And as somebody who 21 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:30.719 I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory, and I am so fascinated by how 22 00:01:30.840 --> 00:01:34.680 people with an avoidant attachment style, that's the woman who says, hey, 23 00:01:34.719 --> 00:01:37.159 you know that's just friends with benefits, don't get too close. I'm not 24 00:01:37.200 --> 00:01:42.359 the right one for you, often become very attractive to people who have an 25 00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:47.760 anxious attachment style. And the reason why I'm suggesting this might be the case 26 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:49.799 is because if you had a secure attachment style, you wouldn't ask the question. 27 00:01:51.120 --> 00:01:53.239 You go, eh, i'm developing feelings, she's not there for it, 28 00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:57.040 that's not what I need, and you'd move off. But the fact 29 00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:00.640 that you'd rather stay in a halfway relationship where your needs aren't met all the 30 00:02:00.640 --> 00:02:06.200 way tells me that maybe you might want to go and see a therapist and 31 00:02:06.239 --> 00:02:09.159 find a little bit. This is an opportunity for you to explore who you 32 00:02:09.199 --> 00:02:15.680 are, right, Dear doctor Wendy. Can a narcissist get professional help and 33 00:02:15.879 --> 00:02:22.439 change? How do I help him? You are not your partner's therapist. 34 00:02:23.199 --> 00:02:27.240 It's not your job that therapies him. It's not your job to help him 35 00:02:27.560 --> 00:02:30.960 or change him. I will say this that generally, now you know, 36 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:35.080 we throw around this term narcissist like it's all over the place, is less 37 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:39.680 than one percent of the population who actually have a narcissistic personality disorder. It 38 00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:43.120 could be somebody who just doesn't have a lot of empathy and a little bit 39 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:46.800 selfish. That doesn't mean they're a full blown narcissist, but in general, 40 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:51.479 I remember a professor telling me this in graduate school. The only time narcissists 41 00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:57.240 go to therapy is when their whole world is falling apart because their wife is 42 00:02:57.360 --> 00:03:00.520 leaving them or whatever, their husbands leaving them, or the court makes them 43 00:03:00.560 --> 00:03:06.479 go. And then what ends up happening is the way a therapist would attend 44 00:03:06.560 --> 00:03:08.960 to somebody who's a narcissist. You know, you've got to earn their trust, 45 00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:13.599 right, so you have to. My professor used to say, you 46 00:03:13.599 --> 00:03:16.719 have to collude with the ego, meaning that you have to kiss the ring. 47 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:21.439 You have to say, oh, that's terrible. Your wife is leaving 48 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:24.719 you because she's saying you'reselfish. Oh my god, must feel terrible to have 49 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:28.840 it. I can't believe they're being so mean to you. So you collude, 50 00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:31.919 you agree with them, you earn their trust, and then you know 51 00:03:31.919 --> 00:03:36.199 what happened. They stay about three months and then they go, Wow, 52 00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:38.280 you're the best doc in the world. I feel great. Their ego defenses 53 00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:43.199 are all shored up again, and they're out the door being they're busy narcissist 54 00:03:43.240 --> 00:03:46.800 again. So yes, can narcissists be healed through therapy? Yeah, but 55 00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:49.639 they got to stick with it and it could take years. It's not something 56 00:03:49.639 --> 00:03:53.319 you go to a few sessions for. And can you help a narcissist? 57 00:03:53.919 --> 00:03:58.120 Sometimes the only way you can help a narcissist is by leaving them, giving 58 00:03:58.120 --> 00:04:02.919 them a wake up call, just saying hey, doctor, Wendy says this 59 00:04:03.000 --> 00:04:09.039 listener. I grew up in Minnesota and lived all over the US for school. 60 00:04:09.520 --> 00:04:12.680 I met my fiance a medical school and we were together for six years 61 00:04:12.719 --> 00:04:18.120 before he proposed. He suddenly called the wedding off a month beforehand, and 62 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:24.439 I am busy still returning dresses and wedding decorps. Oh heartbreaking. I feel 63 00:04:24.439 --> 00:04:28.000 so low and lost. How do I get back out there? Well, 64 00:04:28.040 --> 00:04:31.439 you need to spend some time healing. Okay, this is a big shock 65 00:04:31.519 --> 00:04:35.079 to you, but it's also a gift for you. This is a guy 66 00:04:35.120 --> 00:04:39.000 who did not want to get married now, or did not want to get 67 00:04:39.040 --> 00:04:42.800 married to you or whatever, And those six years of your life were not 68 00:04:42.839 --> 00:04:46.839 wasted. Okay, you had a relationship. You felt that it was good, 69 00:04:47.079 --> 00:04:51.279 and it was good for the time that it was needed. You needed 70 00:04:51.279 --> 00:04:56.720 each other for that time. Now, I know you feel low, but 71 00:04:56.839 --> 00:05:00.560 I promise you this. You don't have a crystal, you can't look into 72 00:05:00.600 --> 00:05:05.759 the future, but I know there's happiness there for you. There are plenty 73 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:10.480 of other mates, and you're going to get back out there when the time 74 00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:13.600 is right. You're going to go and meet them, and you're going to 75 00:05:13.639 --> 00:05:15.480 have an even better relationship. And you're going to look back on this day 76 00:05:15.800 --> 00:05:18.240 and I'm gonna say, I can't believe I was so upset about that. 77 00:05:18.600 --> 00:05:23.240 Yeah, I know, returning the dresses and the wedding decor. There's financial 78 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:28.439 inconvenience. There, there's social shame. You know. I actually knew a 79 00:05:28.439 --> 00:05:30.720 woman who had been engaged in a very short period of time to three different 80 00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:34.639 people, and they kept calling off the weddings like it was like her own 81 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:42.879 anxious attachment style made her seek out these absolute commitment fox guys to sort of 82 00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:46.000 get that wake up call. She ended up later marrying a fabulous person, 83 00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:50.399 having a long term, wonderful relationship with children. But I just remember those 84 00:05:50.519 --> 00:05:56.560 years and thinking, Wow, she's really hurting herself, and she was racing 85 00:05:56.600 --> 00:06:00.519 to the altar with all of them, and you know, I'm not going 86 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:02.639 to get into her childhood, but there was a reason there were some daddy 87 00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:08.240 issues there. Just saying, dear doctor Wendy, I have never had any 88 00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:12.560 luck on dating apps, and I'm starting to think they aren't right for me. 89 00:06:13.000 --> 00:06:15.879 How can I meet my partner? Okay, I want to remind you 90 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:20.839 that love is not about luck, it's about skill. And dating apps are 91 00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:25.199 no different than going into a nightclub in the olden days. Right. They're 92 00:06:25.199 --> 00:06:27.439 not a place to date. They're a place to maybe get a phone number, 93 00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:30.160 maybe meet somebody, And in order to do that, you have to 94 00:06:30.160 --> 00:06:33.120 have skills. You have to have skills with the app. Now, apps 95 00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:38.319 may not be for you, and so therefore you have to go out in 96 00:06:38.399 --> 00:06:41.800 public with friends and talk to strangers. You got to talk to people in 97 00:06:41.839 --> 00:06:44.839 the cucumber aisle, you got to talk to people at Starbucks. You got 98 00:06:44.839 --> 00:06:46.040 to get out there. And if you're not that kind of person, then 99 00:06:46.120 --> 00:06:49.639 use the apps. And I would say the way to use the apps are, 100 00:06:49.720 --> 00:06:53.480 whenever there's a match, get on the phone as quickly as possible. 101 00:06:53.879 --> 00:06:59.480 Turn it into a real world get to know a human. Right, do 102 00:06:59.519 --> 00:07:01.079 you have time for one more role? Are we going to a break? 103 00:07:02.079 --> 00:07:08.079 Okay, dear doctor Wendy, what oh okay, I'm reading the sentence for 104 00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:10.480 the first time, and I'm sorry, I just my jaw just dropped. 105 00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:14.759 You're not going to believe this. I'm gonna read it to you and I'm 106 00:07:14.759 --> 00:07:16.959 going to answer it after the break because I can't believe what I'm reading right 107 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:24.720 now, Dear doctor Wendy, my mother in law got me stoned on her 108 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:30.480 brownies and now I have cut her off. She thinks I take life too 109 00:07:30.519 --> 00:07:34.959 seriously and always makes comments, but I never thought she would get me stoned 110 00:07:35.319 --> 00:07:40.639 without my consent. Now I don't talk to her. I send the kids 111 00:07:41.079 --> 00:07:45.079 and my love to her with my husband, but I never want to be 112 00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:49.879 around her again. Am I wrong? I have a lot to say about 113 00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:54.000 this. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I am 114 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:59.560 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor 115 00:07:59.560 --> 00:08:05.160 Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I am six forty. Ay, I I 116 00:08:05.480 --> 00:08:07.839 am six forty. You have doctor Wenny Walsh with you. This is the 117 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:13.399 Doctor Wenny Welsh Show. This is my drive by makeshift relationship advice. If 118 00:08:13.439 --> 00:08:16.199 you were listening before the break, A woman wrote to me saying that her 119 00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:20.439 mother in law got her stoned on brownies and now she cut her off. 120 00:08:22.519 --> 00:08:26.319 She had always the mother in law had been saying that this woman had been 121 00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:31.920 taking life too seriously, but she got her stoned without her consent. She 122 00:08:31.959 --> 00:08:33.440 says, Now I don't talk to her. I send the kids and my 123 00:08:33.519 --> 00:08:37.279 love to her with my husband, but I never want to be around her 124 00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:39.519 again. Am I wrong? No? You are not wrong? And why 125 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:43.080 is your husband going over there? First of all, that's an assault. 126 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:50.360 Okay, that's dangerous. Giving any human being a drug without their consent is 127 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:56.919 wrong. You were assaulted. You could have a criminal case against this woman. 128 00:08:56.480 --> 00:09:01.679 And the fact that your husband doesn't have some pathy for what you're experiencing, 129 00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:03.639 that he's still just going over there like everything's fine, I'll see you 130 00:09:03.720 --> 00:09:07.000 later. You do not have to see this woman ever again. My concern, 131 00:09:07.080 --> 00:09:11.600 however, is for your children. What's she going to do to them 132 00:09:11.639 --> 00:09:13.960 someday if she thinks this is funny? You know. I want to remind 133 00:09:13.960 --> 00:09:20.480 everybody that weed is being marked as a medicinal because that was the keyhole that 134 00:09:20.600 --> 00:09:24.440 got the legislation through so that the state could tax. But the truth is 135 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:30.240 it's an intoxicant, folks, it's a recreational drug and it should not be 136 00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:35.799 given to anybody without their consent. What a terrifying thing. If someone did 137 00:09:35.840 --> 00:09:39.320 that to me, I'm sorry, but I would call the police. I 138 00:09:39.320 --> 00:09:41.600 would turn them in. That's just that's who I am. I'm sorry you're 139 00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:48.200 going through that, all right. Next question sent on Instagram. If you'd 140 00:09:48.240 --> 00:09:50.120 like to send in a question, the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. 141 00:09:50.159 --> 00:09:54.759 That's at dr Wendy Walsh Instagram. TikTok Facebook all over the place YouTube, 142 00:09:54.519 --> 00:10:00.080 Hey doctor Wendy, Should I take a job to move closer with my boy 143 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:05.480 friend who hasn't committed committed to what? Let's find out? We have been 144 00:10:05.679 --> 00:10:09.320 in a pretty successful long distance relationship for nine months. Nine months. It's 145 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:13.440 a pregnancy right there, gave birth to love. I got a job offer 146 00:10:13.519 --> 00:10:16.759 and would be closer, but it would be a step down from my current 147 00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:24.759 position. Should I move? Well, this is purely old Auntie Wendy giving 148 00:10:24.799 --> 00:10:28.840 her opinion here. And my answer is, what does he say? I 149 00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:33.240 mean, is he literally encouraging you to be there and please come and it's 150 00:10:33.240 --> 00:10:35.360 gonna be fine, it's gonna be worked out, it's gonna be or is 151 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:37.879 he like, well, you know, if you want to, I understand 152 00:10:37.879 --> 00:10:41.320 if you don't, though, right like, where is he in this decision? 153 00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:46.960 Because these kinds of decisions couples need to make together. But the other 154 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:50.960 thing is I would want to get if I don't know how old you are, 155 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:52.039 I don't know whether you want to have kids, I don't know what 156 00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:56.559 your relationship goals are and what he hasn't committed yet. Do you mean he 157 00:10:56.639 --> 00:11:00.519 hasn't proposed or is he still seeing other people, if he's seeing other people, 158 00:11:00.840 --> 00:11:03.519 forget it, or you're in a situation ship, no way, don't 159 00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:05.679 go. It's done. Forget it. But if you're waiting for him to 160 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:09.240 propose you it has only been nine months, but you might say to him, 161 00:11:09.279 --> 00:11:11.679 I'd like to give it a year, and let's see after a year 162 00:11:11.720 --> 00:11:15.039 at this job, whether I need to come back to the big city and 163 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:20.200 get back on my pay scale, or if you're taking a discount in salary, 164 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:22.080 is he going to pick up and do some of the payments, and 165 00:11:22.120 --> 00:11:26.799 are you living together so much to discuss. The two of you need to 166 00:11:26.799 --> 00:11:30.720 have a talk, But I'd be careful if he's not totally on board and 167 00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:35.519 ready to help and support you while you're making such a sacrifice for him. 168 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:41.480 Dear doctor Wendy, I read this one earlier and I couldn't believe. I'm 169 00:11:41.519 --> 00:11:48.000 sure this happens all the time. Ah. Dear doctor Wendy, I overheard 170 00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:56.200 my husband venting to our baby about me through the baby monitor. How many 171 00:11:56.200 --> 00:12:00.960 conversations do you think people here through the baby monitor you forget? Look at 172 00:12:01.039 --> 00:12:03.720 I want to tell you people forget so often that they're wearing a microphone. 173 00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:07.759 I am very microphone savvy because I came up through the TV business and I 174 00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:11.200 know how it is. You know, years and years and years ago, 175 00:12:11.799 --> 00:12:16.000 I worked for HBO Entertainment News, like decades and decades ago, and there 176 00:12:16.159 --> 00:12:20.519 supposedly was a videotape going around that was just audio because the audio people recorded 177 00:12:20.559 --> 00:12:24.759 it, and all it was was a videotape of celebrities peeing. No no 178 00:12:24.840 --> 00:12:28.919 video, just the audio, the sounds of celebrities peeing. Everybody forgets one 179 00:12:30.000 --> 00:12:33.679 hundred percent of the time that they're wearing a microphone, so of course they 180 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:39.279 forget the baby monitors on and he's telling the baby that you're a problem. 181 00:12:39.720 --> 00:12:43.080 What did he say? He said he doesn't know who I have become, 182 00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:50.200 and that I let the baby turn me into a stereotypical mom. WHOA, 183 00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:56.080 There's something deep there that's rather dark. He's sitting there blaming the baby and 184 00:12:56.320 --> 00:13:01.960 telling the baby, I'm actually terrified. I'm worried for your relationship. She 185 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:05.240 says. I don't even know what that means, but I was so hurt, 186 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:09.320 justifiably. When I asked him about it, he said, I'm overreacting. 187 00:13:09.759 --> 00:13:11.679 How do I get him to talk to me? You guys need to 188 00:13:11.720 --> 00:13:15.840 go to couple's therapy like immediately. First of all, let me say that 189 00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:20.360 when a new baby comes into the house, it is one of probably the 190 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:24.480 most stressful time for any couple. If you can get through this baby and 191 00:13:24.519 --> 00:13:28.039 toddler life, you guys are going to be fine, okay. And one 192 00:13:28.039 --> 00:13:33.799 of the reasons why is that when two adults are looking into the cradle of 193 00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:39.960 a screaming little baby, they are both projecting their own memories onto that baby 194 00:13:41.120 --> 00:13:45.480 of their pre verbal self. So you see, we have this kind of 195 00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:50.799 early life amnesia where we don't store memories as narrative because we didn't have language, 196 00:13:50.879 --> 00:13:54.159 right, We weren't speaking language, so we don't have stories about it. 197 00:13:54.200 --> 00:13:56.159 You know, when I was nine months old one day I was walking 198 00:13:56.240 --> 00:14:01.200 up. No, we don't have narratives when we're young. But that doesn't 199 00:14:01.240 --> 00:14:05.879 mean that stuff that happens to a baby isn't stored. But it's stored in 200 00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:11.679 a different way. It's stored in the bones as feelings. And so what 201 00:14:11.799 --> 00:14:15.840 happens is the baby cries or the baby's upset and their parents are overtired, 202 00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:20.240 and their body remembers they remember how hard it was when they were a baby. 203 00:14:20.440 --> 00:14:24.799 And they start screaming at each other across the bassinet. Right, No 204 00:14:24.879 --> 00:14:28.879 they're too warm, No they're too cold. No they're diapers wet. No 205 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:30.759 you need to leave them alone and let them cry. No, you need 206 00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:33.240 to cuddle them and walk them around, and they get into these big battles. 207 00:14:33.559 --> 00:14:39.639 Right. So a baby is not supposed to divide a couple, but 208 00:14:39.759 --> 00:14:43.679 it often does because now we have gender roles involved. And I always say, 209 00:14:43.799 --> 00:14:46.600 you're gonna have two men in a room until a baby walks in, 210 00:14:46.600 --> 00:14:50.120 and then there has to be a mother, right, there's somebody breastfeeding, 211 00:14:50.120 --> 00:14:54.559 there's somebody giving the bulk of the care, somebody overtired, etc. And 212 00:14:54.639 --> 00:14:58.279 so as a result, this is a very, very stressful time for all 213 00:14:58.320 --> 00:15:03.240 relationships. But it's kind of weird. He's like blaming the baby and talking 214 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:07.639 directly to the baby, like that's the thing that scares me a little bit. 215 00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:13.360 So I would encourage your husband to seek therapy. If he will not 216 00:15:13.399 --> 00:15:16.320 go to couple's therapy with you, you should go to therapy alone and talk 217 00:15:16.360 --> 00:15:20.399 about ways that you can get through this because it's a rough time. I 218 00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:24.000 want to say, it's a rough time, all right, Dear doctor, 219 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:28.919 Wendy. My girlfriend started started what she got, Oh, she got really 220 00:15:28.159 --> 00:15:31.799 short hair. She cut her hair, that's all that happened. And I 221 00:15:31.799 --> 00:15:37.159 don't like it. So I started wearing pink nail polish and she doesn't like 222 00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:41.320 it, so she colored her hair orange. How can I stop this cycle? 223 00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:45.399 You guys need to stop doing stuff and start talking about things. What 224 00:15:45.480 --> 00:15:50.000 the heck? I mean? First of all, everybody has a right to 225 00:15:50.000 --> 00:15:52.519 adorn their body anyway they want, whether it's nail polish, cut your hair, 226 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:58.039 any hair color, or whatever. I mean, We're not designed to 227 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:00.799 be just sexual objects for our partner. On the other hand, I do 228 00:16:00.879 --> 00:16:06.360 want to say something. I had a therapist teacher one time in grad school, 229 00:16:06.600 --> 00:16:10.600 and he told me that whenever there's a dramatic hair changed by somebody in 230 00:16:10.600 --> 00:16:15.600 a relationship, there's something sexual going on. Either they want to leave the 231 00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:18.679 relationship or they're hunkering down and not having sex. Look when I have my 232 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:22.159 baby and I was breastfeeding my first baby, and my hormones were like sunk 233 00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:26.240 down to anything, and the last thing I was interested in the world was 234 00:16:26.279 --> 00:16:27.960 sex. What did I do? I died Mayer brown and cut it really 235 00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:32.039 short. It's like I am a non sexual being, right, it's so 236 00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.639 interesting. So anyway, I think there's a lot more going on in this 237 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:38.159 relationship than just the color of the hair and nail polish. And you need 238 00:16:38.200 --> 00:16:44.080 to be talking about it, all right. Please send in your questions every 239 00:16:44.080 --> 00:16:47.200 week or every other week. I either take phone calls or I go on 240 00:16:47.240 --> 00:16:49.279 social media. I'm happy to weigh in. I will keep your identity a 241 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:53.080 secret. Again, I don't have a license. It's drive by makeshift relationship 242 00:16:53.159 --> 00:16:59.559 therapy. I am a psychology professor, but boy, am I obsessed with 243 00:16:59.639 --> 00:17:06.039 the science of love. When we come back. One simple way to tell 244 00:17:06.519 --> 00:17:11.039 if you are in a secure bond. You won't believe how simple this is. 245 00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:14.279 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six 246 00:17:14.359 --> 00:17:18.839 forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 247 00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:23.960 on demand from kf I Am sixty k I Am six forty. You have 248 00:17:25.039 --> 00:17:27.960 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy 249 00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:34.119 Walls Show. You know, sometimes if you want information about somebody or even 250 00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:40.440 your relationship, you don't have to ask a hundred questions. You don't have 251 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:45.119 to probe. You can ask one simple thing and you can learn a lot 252 00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:48.920 from that one question. For instance, did you know there's a test out 253 00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:55.400 there? There's a real test to determine if somebody is a narcissist, and 254 00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:00.160 it is. The test has just one question, and the question, as 255 00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:06.960 you ask the person, do you think you're a narcissist? Guess what? 256 00:18:07.720 --> 00:18:11.720 Most narcissists laugh and say, yeah, I probably am. They literally they're 257 00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:15.680 that narcissistic that they want to take the handle, they want to take the 258 00:18:15.759 --> 00:18:25.400 identity one question. There's another question that can indicate how high someone's intelligence is 259 00:18:26.119 --> 00:18:33.279 and how much empathy they have. That question, what's a really good argument 260 00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:38.640 for the other side of an issue you feel strongly about? So, for 261 00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:45.400 instance, if somebody is pro choice, you might say, if you had 262 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:51.279 to play Devil's advocate and argue as a pro life person, what would you 263 00:18:51.359 --> 00:18:56.960 say? It shows that the smarter people are able to think of both sides. 264 00:18:56.440 --> 00:19:00.799 You know, Cognitive dissonance is being able to hold two thoughts opposing thoughts 265 00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:03.880 at the same time, and being able to make distinctions about which you're going 266 00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:10.000 to go with and why. But Also it shows empathy because you can understand 267 00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:11.759 if somebody says, oh no, they're just on the other side of it. 268 00:19:12.039 --> 00:19:15.640 I could never think of an argument they're just idiots, you know? 269 00:19:15.319 --> 00:19:22.200 Then you know? Right. So there's a question that therapists use all the 270 00:19:22.279 --> 00:19:30.039 time to determine how much personal growth somebody's done in their life, to determine 271 00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:34.400 how much internal insight they have. And it's really a statement, but it's 272 00:19:36.039 --> 00:19:41.000 this, tell me about your mother. Every therapist says that, tell me 273 00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:45.519 about your mother, because how they respond tells you a lot if they say 274 00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:49.240 And by the way, that's also in my book the boyfriend test, how 275 00:19:49.240 --> 00:19:52.400 do we evaluate his potential before you lose your heart? Somewhere in the ninety 276 00:19:52.440 --> 00:19:56.119 day probation period, you're supposed to ask what kind of relationship does he have 277 00:19:56.160 --> 00:20:03.279 with his mother? And you're looking for one of three things. You don't 278 00:20:03.279 --> 00:20:08.680 want somebody who absolutely hates their mother, because you eventually will take that role 279 00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:14.240 for him. Right, he will transfer his unresolved feelings of anger to his 280 00:20:14.319 --> 00:20:18.839 mother and put it on you if you become his primary attachment figure. This 281 00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:22.000 works with all genders. By the way, you can ask a girl that 282 00:20:22.119 --> 00:20:26.079 too, and you also don't want somebody who says, oh, I have 283 00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:27.839 the best mother in the world. I adore her. In fact, I 284 00:20:27.920 --> 00:20:30.240 bring my laundry over on the weekends, we have dinner twice. We got 285 00:20:30.279 --> 00:20:34.599 talked to my mother every day because guess what, in his mind, he 286 00:20:34.599 --> 00:20:38.319 already has a wife. All you'll ever be is the mistress. Right. 287 00:20:38.680 --> 00:20:44.480 There are some especially sons of single mothers. I see this all the time, 288 00:20:45.160 --> 00:20:49.160 who are so enmeshed emotionally with their mothers that they can't separate, and 289 00:20:49.200 --> 00:20:55.160 they feel guilty falling in love with someone else, like somehow they're betraying their 290 00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:59.160 mother. No, the answer you're looking for is, you know my mother, 291 00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:02.200 I go there on holidays and birthdays. I call her once in a 292 00:21:02.240 --> 00:21:03.839 while. She did the best with the tools she had. I mean, 293 00:21:03.880 --> 00:21:07.519 we had some great moments in our childhood. There were some other areas where 294 00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:11.240 she could have worked on. And I'll do things differently with my kids. 295 00:21:11.319 --> 00:21:14.960 You know, that's a healthy perspective. We're all supposed to have that healthy 296 00:21:15.160 --> 00:21:18.720 answer when we're talking about either of our parents. In fact, oh, 297 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:23.200 here's a one question thing to determine somebody's dark side. All you say is, 298 00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:26.960 what's the single most thing you hate about a person, because Carl Jung 299 00:21:27.000 --> 00:21:30.359 would say, that's your shadow, and you can't tolerate even seeing your own 300 00:21:30.359 --> 00:21:33.519 shadows, so your point fingers at others. So if you think of what 301 00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:37.920 it is that you really really hate about somebody, then it's really always about 302 00:21:37.960 --> 00:21:44.279 you. Just saying, but is there one simple way to tell if you're 303 00:21:44.359 --> 00:21:48.640 in a successful relationship. Yes, there's one simple question to tell if you 304 00:21:48.680 --> 00:21:55.920 have a secure bond, and the question is how easily do you fall asleep 305 00:21:56.000 --> 00:22:00.680 with them? We have a funny joke in my relationship Juleo and I whenever 306 00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:03.839 we start to cuddle, I start yawning, and he always says, I'm 307 00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:04.920 putting you to sleep? Is that all I'm doing? I'm putting you to 308 00:22:04.960 --> 00:22:11.720 sleep? But actually what's happening is that my body's emitting high levels of oxytocin. 309 00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:17.079 That oxytocin, we call it the cuddle hormone, is associated with close 310 00:22:17.160 --> 00:22:21.559 pair bonds, right, and it can have a positive impact on our sleep. 311 00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:26.279 In fact, big surges of oxytocin have been shown to make people fall 312 00:22:26.319 --> 00:22:33.119 asleep more quickly, and sleep more soundly, and actually have more rem rapid 313 00:22:33.160 --> 00:22:37.200 eye movement sleep. That's the really refueling, restorative kind of sleep episodes. 314 00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:44.279 So we call oxytocin the love hormone because it's often released during sexual activity, 315 00:22:44.519 --> 00:22:49.119 particularly during orgasm. But you can get oxytocin just by cuddling, just by 316 00:22:49.359 --> 00:22:53.119 being with your partner, just by putting your head on their chest and listening 317 00:22:53.160 --> 00:23:00.279 to their heart. And how well you sleep with somebody is an indicator of 318 00:23:00.440 --> 00:23:04.920 how secure your brain believes the relationship is, and in fact there's lots of 319 00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:11.240 research on this. One study out of Australia found that if people regular relationships, 320 00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:18.160 sexual satisfaction increase, even frequency of orgasm, all associated with better sleep 321 00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:22.559 and being able to fall asleep quickly with your partners. So don't complain if 322 00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:26.240 he falls asleep right afterwards, it means he loved you. It's he's relaxed 323 00:23:26.759 --> 00:23:34.920 right. Another study found that that those who had lower levels of anxiety were 324 00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:41.799 able to fall asleep better and more soundly together. So basically you have lower 325 00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:45.960 stress hormone cortis of A levels when you're in a healthy, secure bond. 326 00:23:45.039 --> 00:23:48.799 Now, there are some people, because of their own childhood issues, are 327 00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:52.680 actually in relationships with people that ignite the fear centers of their brain. That 328 00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:56.279 literally, I mean they're attracted to the person on paper and everything, and 329 00:23:56.319 --> 00:24:00.079 they can have great sex and whatever, but they don't feel safe on a 330 00:24:00.119 --> 00:24:04.440 deep level. Their cortisol levels actually go up because in their early childhood, 331 00:24:06.000 --> 00:24:08.359 you know, the person that they loved and were attached to could have also 332 00:24:08.400 --> 00:24:12.240 been the person who hurt them. So there's one way to tell. If 333 00:24:12.279 --> 00:24:18.000 you fall asleep easily with somebody means you have a good, healthy, secure 334 00:24:18.119 --> 00:24:22.039 bond. All right. That brings the Doctor Wendy Walls Show to a close. 335 00:24:22.480 --> 00:24:26.400 You can always follow me on my social media all week long. I 336 00:24:26.440 --> 00:24:29.200 do have one more after this? Did I miss one more? Am I 337 00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:33.119 not watching the clock? How time flies when you're having fun? Oh my 338 00:24:33.279 --> 00:24:37.680 goodness, I have more calls than I need to take. I need to 339 00:24:37.720 --> 00:24:38.680 go to social media, is what I need to do, because all these 340 00:24:38.759 --> 00:24:42.039 questions keep flying in. I think that's what I'm gonna do. All right, 341 00:24:42.200 --> 00:24:45.440 we'll be back in a minute. I'm gonna answer more of your relationship 342 00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:48.039 questions. See it's not over. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show 343 00:24:48.039 --> 00:24:51.640 on Camp I am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio. After 344 00:24:51.880 --> 00:24:56.920 you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I am sixty, I 345 00:24:57.319 --> 00:25:00.680 am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 346 00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:04.880 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I know what happened. I didn't talk about loneliness 347 00:25:04.960 --> 00:25:08.119 as long as I wanted to, and I'm going to analyze that. I 348 00:25:08.160 --> 00:25:11.640 am going to go to my therapist and go why did I rush through the 349 00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:15.839 loneliness segment. I had a whole other segment about why loneliness can actually or 350 00:25:15.960 --> 00:25:21.920 feel isolation and self imposed time alone can actually be good for you, and 351 00:25:21.960 --> 00:25:26.000 I didn't do the segment. I am avoiding that thought. How interesting, 352 00:25:26.160 --> 00:25:30.519 da da da da? What would doctor Freud say? Anyway, I'm still 353 00:25:30.559 --> 00:25:33.039 here for you. I have a couple more questions. I want to ask 354 00:25:33.160 --> 00:25:37.839 an answer from my Instagram, and then I want to share with you a 355 00:25:37.880 --> 00:25:45.400 few tips. I didn't learn how to have a healthy relationship necessarily by what 356 00:25:45.519 --> 00:25:48.799 went on with my family of origin and my childhood. It was stuff that 357 00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:53.599 I had to figure out and I had to practice it, and I came 358 00:25:53.680 --> 00:25:57.720 up with a few things that if everybody would just do these things, I 359 00:25:57.839 --> 00:26:02.680 promise you your lives would totally transform. So I'll give you some of those 360 00:26:02.680 --> 00:26:04.599 tips for it. But I promised these listeners I would answer these two last 361 00:26:04.680 --> 00:26:08.400 questions. So here we go, Dear doctor Wendy, I found condoms in 362 00:26:08.480 --> 00:26:14.720 my girlfriend's car, Da Da da Da. Does this automatically mean that she 363 00:26:14.880 --> 00:26:18.880 is cheating? Or am I overreacting? Well, there's no answer to this. 364 00:26:18.279 --> 00:26:22.359 You have to ask her what it means. This is an opportunity to 365 00:26:22.440 --> 00:26:27.759 grow close, sir. It's an opportunity to understand maybe she's thinking of cheating, 366 00:26:29.240 --> 00:26:32.119 and not that she's going to tell you the truth, but her reaction 367 00:26:32.559 --> 00:26:37.559 will get you more information. I would definitely want to know. I remember 368 00:26:37.559 --> 00:26:40.799 one time I was young and I was dating a guy and he went to 369 00:26:40.839 --> 00:26:44.119 Europe to go visit his family. And he came back and I picked him 370 00:26:44.119 --> 00:26:47.960 at the airport. We went back to my place and then I happen to 371 00:26:48.000 --> 00:26:49.759 go to the bathroom and I said his toilet tree bag was open because he'd 372 00:26:49.759 --> 00:26:52.799 just gotten off the plane and had a bunch of condoms in it, and 373 00:26:52.839 --> 00:26:55.559 I'm sorry, I just went off. I was like, what are you 374 00:26:55.559 --> 00:26:57.200 doing? You're going to Europe? To visit your family, but you have 375 00:26:57.200 --> 00:27:00.200 to take condoms with you for that, And he's like, they're just always 376 00:27:00.240 --> 00:27:03.319 in my toiletry bag. That's just the way it is. They're just always 377 00:27:03.359 --> 00:27:11.640 there for emergency emergencies. You're gonna have a sexual emergency anyway. But you 378 00:27:11.720 --> 00:27:15.720 know, opened up some conversation for us, so you got to talk about 379 00:27:15.720 --> 00:27:18.640 stuff, all right. Here's another one, Dear doctor Wendy. My partner 380 00:27:18.640 --> 00:27:23.720 and I got into an explosive argument and we said some things we can't take 381 00:27:23.920 --> 00:27:30.200 back. Really why not? Oh? We broke up and I'm so lost 382 00:27:30.319 --> 00:27:33.200 and sorry. I know I went way below the belt. I said awful 383 00:27:33.240 --> 00:27:37.079 things. Should I heal or fight from my relationship? You're asking me? 384 00:27:37.400 --> 00:27:41.160 Okay, first of all, let me just say, do you want this 385 00:27:41.240 --> 00:27:44.319 relationship? If you want this relationship, then now is the time to do 386 00:27:44.319 --> 00:27:48.000 the work of relationship. There's no such thing as can't take something back. 387 00:27:48.599 --> 00:27:52.839 All you do is you use that magic word I'm sorry, and you say 388 00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:56.400 what can I do to make it up to you? What can I do 389 00:27:56.799 --> 00:28:00.119 that I can get you back? How can we heal after that? I 390 00:28:00.119 --> 00:28:03.920 don't really feel that way. I was being defensive and protective I was feeling 391 00:28:03.920 --> 00:28:07.039 scared. Be open, honest, vulnerable. You can win them back if 392 00:28:07.039 --> 00:28:11.160 they want to. Right. But if this big blowout was just like the 393 00:28:11.240 --> 00:28:17.720 relationship was falling apart anyway, and now this was like the final straw thing, 394 00:28:17.799 --> 00:28:22.559 well, I don't know, but you decide if you want this relationship 395 00:28:22.599 --> 00:28:25.440 back, and then you go to do the work that you need to do. 396 00:28:26.200 --> 00:28:30.799 Okay, here's some of my advice for how to have a healthy relationship 397 00:28:30.119 --> 00:28:33.480 based on the science that I have read for the last few decades. And 398 00:28:33.599 --> 00:28:40.480 let me tell you I practice this stuff all right. Number one, whenever 399 00:28:40.480 --> 00:28:44.440 there's an issue, deal with it right away. Never put it off, 400 00:28:44.839 --> 00:28:49.200 never avoid. Research shows that the healthiest couples actually have regular conflict. They're 401 00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:52.720 fighting and bickering all the time, but not in a mean, awful way, 402 00:28:52.759 --> 00:28:55.359 and not saying things they don't feel they can take back. They are 403 00:28:55.440 --> 00:29:00.720 literally having little border skirmishes all day long while they're negotiating their boundaries. They 404 00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:07.680 don't let stuff go. If you avoid a problem, I promise you it 405 00:29:07.720 --> 00:29:11.880 will get bigger. Okay, make sex a priority. Now that's a little 406 00:29:11.880 --> 00:29:17.920 different from me saying have sex even if you don't want to. But I'm 407 00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:22.960 kind of saying that too. Listen, female sexuality is responsive, right, 408 00:29:22.319 --> 00:29:26.079 It's not like we're running around all day going, oh yeah, I can't 409 00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:27.039 wait till I get home tonight, I'm gonna have sex. It's gonna be 410 00:29:27.039 --> 00:29:32.519 great. Yeah, maybe if you're twenty two. But it's more like once 411 00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:34.839 you're in the act, once your body becomes aroused, then you're like, 412 00:29:34.839 --> 00:29:37.119 ah, now I remember this, this is why I'm into it. Right. 413 00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:41.319 So sometimes you have to do the work in long term monogamy of scheduling 414 00:29:41.319 --> 00:29:47.720 sex so you know that Saturday is the night, or Tuesday and Thursday whenever 415 00:29:47.759 --> 00:29:51.079 it has figured out, and make it a priority, because as soon as 416 00:29:51.079 --> 00:29:57.000 your relationship becomes sex lists, the next step is it becomes less affectionate because 417 00:29:57.000 --> 00:30:00.000 people are afraid to touch because they think that's going to be pressure, that 418 00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:03.200 it's somehow going to be perceived as for play, And then you get into 419 00:30:03.240 --> 00:30:07.319 this whole cycle of ignoring each other. So, no matter how busy you 420 00:30:07.359 --> 00:30:14.119 are, trying to make it a priority. Here's you know, some of 421 00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:17.440 the best advice I can ever give you. I didn't invent this. This 422 00:30:17.599 --> 00:30:21.279 came from the Gottman's up at the University of Washington at the Marriage Lab. 423 00:30:21.319 --> 00:30:26.240 We've been studying partners in all kinds of states of conflict for years and they 424 00:30:26.680 --> 00:30:33.759 came up with this idea that partners are often asking for bids for care, 425 00:30:33.880 --> 00:30:40.319 bids for connection, bids for care. And sometimes those asks aren't like I 426 00:30:40.359 --> 00:30:42.000 would like you to console me now because I have had a bad day at 427 00:30:42.000 --> 00:30:45.319 work? Can I please have a hug? Instead they just say something like 428 00:30:47.440 --> 00:30:49.640 life sucks. It's such a bad day. That's a bid for care. 429 00:30:49.880 --> 00:30:53.000 You need to take that queue and run over and hug them. You need 430 00:30:53.039 --> 00:30:57.079 to say instead of well why did you even take that job? I told 431 00:30:57.079 --> 00:31:00.279 you you shouldn't even work for that guy. No, that's not what you 432 00:31:00.319 --> 00:31:04.559 say when you give care. You say, ah, honey, I'm so 433 00:31:04.599 --> 00:31:07.960 sorry you had a bad day, came here, let me give you a 434 00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:14.319 hug. Right, So, when your partner needs emotional care, healthy partners 435 00:31:14.720 --> 00:31:19.720 respond to it and have no problem giving care. The other thing is they 436 00:31:19.759 --> 00:31:25.359 get to know their partner and they're not afraid to show their love, to 437 00:31:25.519 --> 00:31:29.599 give love in the way their partner wants it. I know, I'm not 438 00:31:29.640 --> 00:31:32.759 a huge believer in all those love languages thing, but because there's not a 439 00:31:32.799 --> 00:31:34.440 lot of research to support it, but it kind of makes a lot of 440 00:31:34.480 --> 00:31:40.839 practical sense. Right. Some people need words, some people need touch, 441 00:31:40.960 --> 00:31:45.279 some people need different ways to feel loved. And if somebody says, well, 442 00:31:45.319 --> 00:31:48.960 I tell them I love them, I don't know why they no. 443 00:31:48.200 --> 00:31:52.839 Figure out what they need to feel loved. That's what you need to do. 444 00:31:53.079 --> 00:31:56.920 And don't be miserly. Don't withhold it just because that's not the way 445 00:31:57.000 --> 00:32:01.559 you experience love. If that's why they want, whether it's holding hands in 446 00:32:01.599 --> 00:32:06.519 public, whether it's compliments, you know, stop asking me if you look 447 00:32:06.519 --> 00:32:08.559 good in those genes. Just tell her she looks good in the genes as 448 00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:13.400 often as she asks. Okay, that's all you need to do. Show 449 00:32:13.480 --> 00:32:21.000 them love the way they want to be loved. And finally, are you 450 00:32:21.039 --> 00:32:27.440 the kind of person that believes that you can create a happy future? Because 451 00:32:27.480 --> 00:32:32.480 you can? Did you know that all of life is a self fulfilling prophecy? 452 00:32:32.559 --> 00:32:37.000 And if you believe you're with a great person, if you believe your 453 00:32:37.000 --> 00:32:40.480 relationship is happy, then it is who are we to argue as an outsider? 454 00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:46.559 Right? So that's called having a growth mindset, thinking about what your 455 00:32:46.599 --> 00:32:51.799 goals are, what your new goals, being ready to rewrite the relationship contract 456 00:32:51.920 --> 00:32:54.319 from time to time because you're gonna have to. You're two individual people. 457 00:32:54.640 --> 00:32:59.000 You're changing, You're going to need to do different things together. You're gonna 458 00:32:59.039 --> 00:33:01.160 need to add novel. Oh, I'm always screaming about that. And let 459 00:33:01.200 --> 00:33:04.599 me tell you, my sweet Julio is so nice. He doesn't even like 460 00:33:04.680 --> 00:33:07.400 to go see stand up comedy. But one time he surprised me because he 461 00:33:07.480 --> 00:33:10.240 listened to my radio show and he said, my relationship needs more novelty. 462 00:33:10.480 --> 00:33:15.400 I got us tickets to the improv. It was so sweet. So try 463 00:33:15.440 --> 00:33:20.960 new things together. Let your partner expose you to new things in life. 464 00:33:21.319 --> 00:33:25.480 You have to constantly open your eyes in awe for each other. And that 465 00:33:27.559 --> 00:33:31.319 is the work of love. That's the work of love. It's not just 466 00:33:31.359 --> 00:33:37.559 getting through the fights. It's not about doing things because you have to doing 467 00:33:37.599 --> 00:33:40.160 things that you don't want to do, having to deal with your partner and 468 00:33:40.200 --> 00:33:46.119 have those conversations. No, the work of love is deeply getting to know 469 00:33:46.279 --> 00:33:53.200 your partner and also introducing your partner to you even as you change and grow 470 00:33:53.279 --> 00:34:01.279 across the lifespan. That is called intimacy. That is what love is about 471 00:34:02.119 --> 00:34:07.719 being unafraid to be real, open, authentic, honest. You know, 472 00:34:07.760 --> 00:34:12.119 I heard a woman say recently, Oh, all that talking. It's so 473 00:34:12.239 --> 00:34:16.199 unromantic like quit. Love is supposed to be mysterious where two people are holding 474 00:34:16.199 --> 00:34:23.039 their thoughts inside and nobody knows anyway. Go out and have some wonderful love. 475 00:34:23.280 --> 00:34:28.119 Make your relationship better this week. Thanks so much for being with me. 476 00:34:28.639 --> 00:34:32.079 I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm here on KFI every Sunday between seven and 477 00:34:32.199 --> 00:34:36.840 nine pm. You can follow me on my social media at doctor Wendy Welsh 478 00:34:37.280 --> 00:34:39.639 during the week, but I'll see you next week right here on KFI. 479 00:34:39.800 --> 00:34:44.760 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I Am six forty're 480 00:34:44.840 --> 00:34:50.719 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 481 00:34:50.719 --> 00:34:52.920 You can always hear us live on kf I Am six forty from seven to 482 00:34:53.000 --> 00:34:58.280 nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.