This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio Appy by Am six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
My favorite part of the show answering your relationship questions. I want to
remind you I'm not a therapist. I don't have a license. I'm a
psychology professor. But I've been reading about the science of love for a few
decades and I wrote some books on relationships. So I like to call this
my drive by makeshift relationship advice. If you send me a DM online,
whether it's a Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, whatever, We'll get them and
I will keep your identity a secret. Okay, here we go. Dear
doctor Wendy, I've been seeing this woman for six months. In the beginning,
she let me know that we were just friends with benefits. Oh you
know where this is going. Fast forward six months to today. I have
started developing feelings for her. I've brought up my feelings for her recently,
and she reminded me that we were just friends and that she's not the right
woman for me. Now she's become distant. How do I go about the
relationship? Should I just walk away? Or should I continue being friends with
benefits? Well, you only you know the answer to this question. If
you're in a relationship with somebody and you're having sex with them and it is
becoming unrequited love, then that can be very painful. And as somebody who
I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory, and I am so fascinated by how
people with an avoidant attachment style, that's the woman who says, hey,
you know that's just friends with benefits, don't get too close. I'm not
the right one for you, often become very attractive to people who have an
anxious attachment style. And the reason why I'm suggesting this might be the case
is because if you had a secure attachment style, you wouldn't ask the question.
You go, eh, i'm developing feelings, she's not there for it,
that's not what I need, and you'd move off. But the fact
that you'd rather stay in a halfway relationship where your needs aren't met all the
way tells me that maybe you might want to go and see a therapist and
find a little bit. This is an opportunity for you to explore who you
are, right, Dear doctor Wendy. Can a narcissist get professional help and
change? How do I help him? You are not your partner's therapist.
It's not your job that therapies him. It's not your job to help him
or change him. I will say this that generally, now you know,
we throw around this term narcissist like it's all over the place, is less
than one percent of the population who actually have a narcissistic personality disorder. It
could be somebody who just doesn't have a lot of empathy and a little bit
selfish. That doesn't mean they're a full blown narcissist, but in general,
I remember a professor telling me this in graduate school. The only time narcissists
go to therapy is when their whole world is falling apart because their wife is
leaving them or whatever, their husbands leaving them, or the court makes them
go. And then what ends up happening is the way a therapist would attend
to somebody who's a narcissist. You know, you've got to earn their trust,
right, so you have to. My professor used to say, you
have to collude with the ego, meaning that you have to kiss the ring.
You have to say, oh, that's terrible. Your wife is leaving
you because she's saying you'reselfish. Oh my god, must feel terrible to have
it. I can't believe they're being so mean to you. So you collude,
you agree with them, you earn their trust, and then you know
what happened. They stay about three months and then they go, Wow,
you're the best doc in the world. I feel great. Their ego defenses
are all shored up again, and they're out the door being they're busy narcissist
again. So yes, can narcissists be healed through therapy? Yeah, but
they got to stick with it and it could take years. It's not something
you go to a few sessions for. And can you help a narcissist?
Sometimes the only way you can help a narcissist is by leaving them, giving
them a wake up call, just saying hey, doctor, Wendy says this
listener. I grew up in Minnesota and lived all over the US for school.
I met my fiance a medical school and we were together for six years
before he proposed. He suddenly called the wedding off a month beforehand, and
I am busy still returning dresses and wedding decorps. Oh heartbreaking. I feel
so low and lost. How do I get back out there? Well,
you need to spend some time healing. Okay, this is a big shock
to you, but it's also a gift for you. This is a guy
who did not want to get married now, or did not want to get
married to you or whatever, And those six years of your life were not
wasted. Okay, you had a relationship. You felt that it was good,
and it was good for the time that it was needed. You needed
each other for that time. Now, I know you feel low, but
I promise you this. You don't have a crystal, you can't look into
the future, but I know there's happiness there for you. There are plenty
of other mates, and you're going to get back out there when the time
is right. You're going to go and meet them, and you're going to
have an even better relationship. And you're going to look back on this day
and I'm gonna say, I can't believe I was so upset about that.
Yeah, I know, returning the dresses and the wedding decor. There's financial
inconvenience. There, there's social shame. You know. I actually knew a
woman who had been engaged in a very short period of time to three different
people, and they kept calling off the weddings like it was like her own
anxious attachment style made her seek out these absolute commitment fox guys to sort of
get that wake up call. She ended up later marrying a fabulous person,
having a long term, wonderful relationship with children. But I just remember those
years and thinking, Wow, she's really hurting herself, and she was racing
to the altar with all of them, and you know, I'm not going
to get into her childhood, but there was a reason there were some daddy
issues there. Just saying, dear doctor Wendy, I have never had any
luck on dating apps, and I'm starting to think they aren't right for me.
How can I meet my partner? Okay, I want to remind you
that love is not about luck, it's about skill. And dating apps are
no different than going into a nightclub in the olden days. Right. They're
not a place to date. They're a place to maybe get a phone number,
maybe meet somebody, And in order to do that, you have to
have skills. You have to have skills with the app. Now, apps
may not be for you, and so therefore you have to go out in
public with friends and talk to strangers. You got to talk to people in
the cucumber aisle, you got to talk to people at Starbucks. You got
to get out there. And if you're not that kind of person, then
use the apps. And I would say the way to use the apps are,
whenever there's a match, get on the phone as quickly as possible.
Turn it into a real world get to know a human. Right, do
you have time for one more role? Are we going to a break?
Okay, dear doctor Wendy, what oh okay, I'm reading the sentence for
the first time, and I'm sorry, I just my jaw just dropped.
You're not going to believe this. I'm gonna read it to you and I'm
going to answer it after the break because I can't believe what I'm reading right
now, Dear doctor Wendy, my mother in law got me stoned on her
brownies and now I have cut her off. She thinks I take life too
seriously and always makes comments, but I never thought she would get me stoned
without my consent. Now I don't talk to her. I send the kids
and my love to her with my husband, but I never want to be
around her again. Am I wrong? I have a lot to say about
this. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I am
six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I am six forty. Ay, I I
am six forty. You have doctor Wenny Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wenny Welsh Show. This is my drive by makeshift relationship advice. If
you were listening before the break, A woman wrote to me saying that her
mother in law got her stoned on brownies and now she cut her off.
She had always the mother in law had been saying that this woman had been
taking life too seriously, but she got her stoned without her consent. She
says, Now I don't talk to her. I send the kids and my
love to her with my husband, but I never want to be around her
again. Am I wrong? No? You are not wrong? And why
is your husband going over there? First of all, that's an assault.
Okay, that's dangerous. Giving any human being a drug without their consent is
wrong. You were assaulted. You could have a criminal case against this woman.
And the fact that your husband doesn't have some pathy for what you're experiencing,
that he's still just going over there like everything's fine, I'll see you
later. You do not have to see this woman ever again. My concern,
however, is for your children. What's she going to do to them
someday if she thinks this is funny? You know. I want to remind
everybody that weed is being marked as a medicinal because that was the keyhole that
got the legislation through so that the state could tax. But the truth is
it's an intoxicant, folks, it's a recreational drug and it should not be
given to anybody without their consent. What a terrifying thing. If someone did
that to me, I'm sorry, but I would call the police. I
would turn them in. That's just that's who I am. I'm sorry you're
going through that, all right. Next question sent on Instagram. If you'd
like to send in a question, the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
That's at dr Wendy Walsh Instagram. TikTok Facebook all over the place YouTube,
Hey doctor Wendy, Should I take a job to move closer with my boy
friend who hasn't committed committed to what? Let's find out? We have been
in a pretty successful long distance relationship for nine months. Nine months. It's
a pregnancy right there, gave birth to love. I got a job offer
and would be closer, but it would be a step down from my current
position. Should I move? Well, this is purely old Auntie Wendy giving
her opinion here. And my answer is, what does he say? I
mean, is he literally encouraging you to be there and please come and it's
gonna be fine, it's gonna be worked out, it's gonna be or is
he like, well, you know, if you want to, I understand
if you don't, though, right like, where is he in this decision?
Because these kinds of decisions couples need to make together. But the other
thing is I would want to get if I don't know how old you are,
I don't know whether you want to have kids, I don't know what
your relationship goals are and what he hasn't committed yet. Do you mean he
hasn't proposed or is he still seeing other people, if he's seeing other people,
forget it, or you're in a situation ship, no way, don't
go. It's done. Forget it. But if you're waiting for him to
propose you it has only been nine months, but you might say to him,
I'd like to give it a year, and let's see after a year
at this job, whether I need to come back to the big city and
get back on my pay scale, or if you're taking a discount in salary,
is he going to pick up and do some of the payments, and
are you living together so much to discuss. The two of you need to
have a talk, But I'd be careful if he's not totally on board and
ready to help and support you while you're making such a sacrifice for him.
Dear doctor Wendy, I read this one earlier and I couldn't believe. I'm
sure this happens all the time. Ah. Dear doctor Wendy, I overheard
my husband venting to our baby about me through the baby monitor. How many
conversations do you think people here through the baby monitor you forget? Look at
I want to tell you people forget so often that they're wearing a microphone.
I am very microphone savvy because I came up through the TV business and I
know how it is. You know, years and years and years ago,
I worked for HBO Entertainment News, like decades and decades ago, and there
supposedly was a videotape going around that was just audio because the audio people recorded
it, and all it was was a videotape of celebrities peeing. No no
video, just the audio, the sounds of celebrities peeing. Everybody forgets one
hundred percent of the time that they're wearing a microphone, so of course they
forget the baby monitors on and he's telling the baby that you're a problem.
What did he say? He said he doesn't know who I have become,
and that I let the baby turn me into a stereotypical mom. WHOA,
There's something deep there that's rather dark. He's sitting there blaming the baby and
telling the baby, I'm actually terrified. I'm worried for your relationship. She
says. I don't even know what that means, but I was so hurt,
justifiably. When I asked him about it, he said, I'm overreacting.
How do I get him to talk to me? You guys need to
go to couple's therapy like immediately. First of all, let me say that
when a new baby comes into the house, it is one of probably the
most stressful time for any couple. If you can get through this baby and
toddler life, you guys are going to be fine, okay. And one
of the reasons why is that when two adults are looking into the cradle of
a screaming little baby, they are both projecting their own memories onto that baby
of their pre verbal self. So you see, we have this kind of
early life amnesia where we don't store memories as narrative because we didn't have language,
right, We weren't speaking language, so we don't have stories about it.
You know, when I was nine months old one day I was walking
up. No, we don't have narratives when we're young. But that doesn't
mean that stuff that happens to a baby isn't stored. But it's stored in
a different way. It's stored in the bones as feelings. And so what
happens is the baby cries or the baby's upset and their parents are overtired,
and their body remembers they remember how hard it was when they were a baby.
And they start screaming at each other across the bassinet. Right, No
they're too warm, No they're too cold. No they're diapers wet. No
you need to leave them alone and let them cry. No, you need
to cuddle them and walk them around, and they get into these big battles.
Right. So a baby is not supposed to divide a couple, but
it often does because now we have gender roles involved. And I always say,
you're gonna have two men in a room until a baby walks in,
and then there has to be a mother, right, there's somebody breastfeeding,
there's somebody giving the bulk of the care, somebody overtired, etc. And
so as a result, this is a very, very stressful time for all
relationships. But it's kind of weird. He's like blaming the baby and talking
directly to the baby, like that's the thing that scares me a little bit.
So I would encourage your husband to seek therapy. If he will not
go to couple's therapy with you, you should go to therapy alone and talk
about ways that you can get through this because it's a rough time. I
want to say, it's a rough time, all right, Dear doctor,
Wendy. My girlfriend started started what she got, Oh, she got really
short hair. She cut her hair, that's all that happened. And I
don't like it. So I started wearing pink nail polish and she doesn't like
it, so she colored her hair orange. How can I stop this cycle?
You guys need to stop doing stuff and start talking about things. What
the heck? I mean? First of all, everybody has a right to
adorn their body anyway they want, whether it's nail polish, cut your hair,
any hair color, or whatever. I mean, We're not designed to
be just sexual objects for our partner. On the other hand, I do
want to say something. I had a therapist teacher one time in grad school,
and he told me that whenever there's a dramatic hair changed by somebody in
a relationship, there's something sexual going on. Either they want to leave the
relationship or they're hunkering down and not having sex. Look when I have my
baby and I was breastfeeding my first baby, and my hormones were like sunk
down to anything, and the last thing I was interested in the world was
sex. What did I do? I died Mayer brown and cut it really
short. It's like I am a non sexual being, right, it's so
interesting. So anyway, I think there's a lot more going on in this
relationship than just the color of the hair and nail polish. And you need
to be talking about it, all right. Please send in your questions every
week or every other week. I either take phone calls or I go on
social media. I'm happy to weigh in. I will keep your identity a
secret. Again, I don't have a license. It's drive by makeshift relationship
therapy. I am a psychology professor, but boy, am I obsessed with
the science of love. When we come back. One simple way to tell
if you are in a secure bond. You won't believe how simple this is.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six
forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I Am sixty k I Am six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show. You know, sometimes if you want information about somebody or even
your relationship, you don't have to ask a hundred questions. You don't have
to probe. You can ask one simple thing and you can learn a lot
from that one question. For instance, did you know there's a test out
there? There's a real test to determine if somebody is a narcissist, and
it is. The test has just one question, and the question, as
you ask the person, do you think you're a narcissist? Guess what?
Most narcissists laugh and say, yeah, I probably am. They literally they're
that narcissistic that they want to take the handle, they want to take the
identity one question. There's another question that can indicate how high someone's intelligence is
and how much empathy they have. That question, what's a really good argument
for the other side of an issue you feel strongly about? So, for
instance, if somebody is pro choice, you might say, if you had
to play Devil's advocate and argue as a pro life person, what would you
say? It shows that the smarter people are able to think of both sides.
You know, Cognitive dissonance is being able to hold two thoughts opposing thoughts
at the same time, and being able to make distinctions about which you're going
to go with and why. But Also it shows empathy because you can understand
if somebody says, oh no, they're just on the other side of it.
I could never think of an argument they're just idiots, you know?
Then you know? Right. So there's a question that therapists use all the
time to determine how much personal growth somebody's done in their life, to determine
how much internal insight they have. And it's really a statement, but it's
this, tell me about your mother. Every therapist says that, tell me
about your mother, because how they respond tells you a lot if they say
And by the way, that's also in my book the boyfriend test, how
do we evaluate his potential before you lose your heart? Somewhere in the ninety
day probation period, you're supposed to ask what kind of relationship does he have
with his mother? And you're looking for one of three things. You don't
want somebody who absolutely hates their mother, because you eventually will take that role
for him. Right, he will transfer his unresolved feelings of anger to his
mother and put it on you if you become his primary attachment figure. This
works with all genders. By the way, you can ask a girl that
too, and you also don't want somebody who says, oh, I have
the best mother in the world. I adore her. In fact, I
bring my laundry over on the weekends, we have dinner twice. We got
talked to my mother every day because guess what, in his mind, he
already has a wife. All you'll ever be is the mistress. Right.
There are some especially sons of single mothers. I see this all the time,
who are so enmeshed emotionally with their mothers that they can't separate, and
they feel guilty falling in love with someone else, like somehow they're betraying their
mother. No, the answer you're looking for is, you know my mother,
I go there on holidays and birthdays. I call her once in a
while. She did the best with the tools she had. I mean,
we had some great moments in our childhood. There were some other areas where
she could have worked on. And I'll do things differently with my kids.
You know, that's a healthy perspective. We're all supposed to have that healthy
answer when we're talking about either of our parents. In fact, oh,
here's a one question thing to determine somebody's dark side. All you say is,
what's the single most thing you hate about a person, because Carl Jung
would say, that's your shadow, and you can't tolerate even seeing your own
shadows, so your point fingers at others. So if you think of what
it is that you really really hate about somebody, then it's really always about
you. Just saying, but is there one simple way to tell if you're
in a successful relationship. Yes, there's one simple question to tell if you
have a secure bond, and the question is how easily do you fall asleep
with them? We have a funny joke in my relationship Juleo and I whenever
we start to cuddle, I start yawning, and he always says, I'm
putting you to sleep? Is that all I'm doing? I'm putting you to
sleep? But actually what's happening is that my body's emitting high levels of oxytocin.
That oxytocin, we call it the cuddle hormone, is associated with close
pair bonds, right, and it can have a positive impact on our sleep.
In fact, big surges of oxytocin have been shown to make people fall
asleep more quickly, and sleep more soundly, and actually have more rem rapid
eye movement sleep. That's the really refueling, restorative kind of sleep episodes.
So we call oxytocin the love hormone because it's often released during sexual activity,
particularly during orgasm. But you can get oxytocin just by cuddling, just by
being with your partner, just by putting your head on their chest and listening
to their heart. And how well you sleep with somebody is an indicator of
how secure your brain believes the relationship is, and in fact there's lots of
research on this. One study out of Australia found that if people regular relationships,
sexual satisfaction increase, even frequency of orgasm, all associated with better sleep
and being able to fall asleep quickly with your partners. So don't complain if
he falls asleep right afterwards, it means he loved you. It's he's relaxed
right. Another study found that that those who had lower levels of anxiety were
able to fall asleep better and more soundly together. So basically you have lower
stress hormone cortis of A levels when you're in a healthy, secure bond.
Now, there are some people, because of their own childhood issues, are
actually in relationships with people that ignite the fear centers of their brain. That
literally, I mean they're attracted to the person on paper and everything, and
they can have great sex and whatever, but they don't feel safe on a
deep level. Their cortisol levels actually go up because in their early childhood,
you know, the person that they loved and were attached to could have also
been the person who hurt them. So there's one way to tell. If
you fall asleep easily with somebody means you have a good, healthy, secure
bond. All right. That brings the Doctor Wendy Walls Show to a close.
You can always follow me on my social media all week long. I
do have one more after this? Did I miss one more? Am I
not watching the clock? How time flies when you're having fun? Oh my
goodness, I have more calls than I need to take. I need to
go to social media, is what I need to do, because all these
questions keep flying in. I think that's what I'm gonna do. All right,
we'll be back in a minute. I'm gonna answer more of your relationship
questions. See it's not over. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show
on Camp I am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio. After
you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I am sixty, I
am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I know what happened. I didn't talk about loneliness
as long as I wanted to, and I'm going to analyze that. I
am going to go to my therapist and go why did I rush through the
loneliness segment. I had a whole other segment about why loneliness can actually or
feel isolation and self imposed time alone can actually be good for you, and
I didn't do the segment. I am avoiding that thought. How interesting,
da da da da? What would doctor Freud say? Anyway, I'm still
here for you. I have a couple more questions. I want to ask
an answer from my Instagram, and then I want to share with you a
few tips. I didn't learn how to have a healthy relationship necessarily by what
went on with my family of origin and my childhood. It was stuff that
I had to figure out and I had to practice it, and I came
up with a few things that if everybody would just do these things, I
promise you your lives would totally transform. So I'll give you some of those
tips for it. But I promised these listeners I would answer these two last
questions. So here we go, Dear doctor Wendy, I found condoms in
my girlfriend's car, Da Da da Da. Does this automatically mean that she
is cheating? Or am I overreacting? Well, there's no answer to this.
You have to ask her what it means. This is an opportunity to
grow close, sir. It's an opportunity to understand maybe she's thinking of cheating,
and not that she's going to tell you the truth, but her reaction
will get you more information. I would definitely want to know. I remember
one time I was young and I was dating a guy and he went to
Europe to go visit his family. And he came back and I picked him
at the airport. We went back to my place and then I happen to
go to the bathroom and I said his toilet tree bag was open because he'd
just gotten off the plane and had a bunch of condoms in it, and
I'm sorry, I just went off. I was like, what are you
doing? You're going to Europe? To visit your family, but you have
to take condoms with you for that, And he's like, they're just always
in my toiletry bag. That's just the way it is. They're just always
there for emergency emergencies. You're gonna have a sexual emergency anyway. But you
know, opened up some conversation for us, so you got to talk about
stuff, all right. Here's another one, Dear doctor Wendy. My partner
and I got into an explosive argument and we said some things we can't take
back. Really why not? Oh? We broke up and I'm so lost
and sorry. I know I went way below the belt. I said awful
things. Should I heal or fight from my relationship? You're asking me?
Okay, first of all, let me just say, do you want this
relationship? If you want this relationship, then now is the time to do
the work of relationship. There's no such thing as can't take something back.
All you do is you use that magic word I'm sorry, and you say
what can I do to make it up to you? What can I do
that I can get you back? How can we heal after that? I
don't really feel that way. I was being defensive and protective I was feeling
scared. Be open, honest, vulnerable. You can win them back if
they want to. Right. But if this big blowout was just like the
relationship was falling apart anyway, and now this was like the final straw thing,
well, I don't know, but you decide if you want this relationship
back, and then you go to do the work that you need to do.
Okay, here's some of my advice for how to have a healthy relationship
based on the science that I have read for the last few decades. And
let me tell you I practice this stuff all right. Number one, whenever
there's an issue, deal with it right away. Never put it off,
never avoid. Research shows that the healthiest couples actually have regular conflict. They're
fighting and bickering all the time, but not in a mean, awful way,
and not saying things they don't feel they can take back. They are
literally having little border skirmishes all day long while they're negotiating their boundaries. They
don't let stuff go. If you avoid a problem, I promise you it
will get bigger. Okay, make sex a priority. Now that's a little
different from me saying have sex even if you don't want to. But I'm
kind of saying that too. Listen, female sexuality is responsive, right,
It's not like we're running around all day going, oh yeah, I can't
wait till I get home tonight, I'm gonna have sex. It's gonna be
great. Yeah, maybe if you're twenty two. But it's more like once
you're in the act, once your body becomes aroused, then you're like,
ah, now I remember this, this is why I'm into it. Right.
So sometimes you have to do the work in long term monogamy of scheduling
sex so you know that Saturday is the night, or Tuesday and Thursday whenever
it has figured out, and make it a priority, because as soon as
your relationship becomes sex lists, the next step is it becomes less affectionate because
people are afraid to touch because they think that's going to be pressure, that
it's somehow going to be perceived as for play, And then you get into
this whole cycle of ignoring each other. So, no matter how busy you
are, trying to make it a priority. Here's you know, some of
the best advice I can ever give you. I didn't invent this. This
came from the Gottman's up at the University of Washington at the Marriage Lab.
We've been studying partners in all kinds of states of conflict for years and they
came up with this idea that partners are often asking for bids for care,
bids for connection, bids for care. And sometimes those asks aren't like I
would like you to console me now because I have had a bad day at
work? Can I please have a hug? Instead they just say something like
life sucks. It's such a bad day. That's a bid for care.
You need to take that queue and run over and hug them. You need
to say instead of well why did you even take that job? I told
you you shouldn't even work for that guy. No, that's not what you
say when you give care. You say, ah, honey, I'm so
sorry you had a bad day, came here, let me give you a
hug. Right, So, when your partner needs emotional care, healthy partners
respond to it and have no problem giving care. The other thing is they
get to know their partner and they're not afraid to show their love, to
give love in the way their partner wants it. I know, I'm not
a huge believer in all those love languages thing, but because there's not a
lot of research to support it, but it kind of makes a lot of
practical sense. Right. Some people need words, some people need touch,
some people need different ways to feel loved. And if somebody says, well,
I tell them I love them, I don't know why they no.
Figure out what they need to feel loved. That's what you need to do.
And don't be miserly. Don't withhold it just because that's not the way
you experience love. If that's why they want, whether it's holding hands in
public, whether it's compliments, you know, stop asking me if you look
good in those genes. Just tell her she looks good in the genes as
often as she asks. Okay, that's all you need to do. Show
them love the way they want to be loved. And finally, are you
the kind of person that believes that you can create a happy future? Because
you can? Did you know that all of life is a self fulfilling prophecy?
And if you believe you're with a great person, if you believe your
relationship is happy, then it is who are we to argue as an outsider?
Right? So that's called having a growth mindset, thinking about what your
goals are, what your new goals, being ready to rewrite the relationship contract
from time to time because you're gonna have to. You're two individual people.
You're changing, You're going to need to do different things together. You're gonna
need to add novel. Oh, I'm always screaming about that. And let
me tell you, my sweet Julio is so nice. He doesn't even like
to go see stand up comedy. But one time he surprised me because he
listened to my radio show and he said, my relationship needs more novelty.
I got us tickets to the improv. It was so sweet. So try
new things together. Let your partner expose you to new things in life.
You have to constantly open your eyes in awe for each other. And that
is the work of love. That's the work of love. It's not just
getting through the fights. It's not about doing things because you have to doing
things that you don't want to do, having to deal with your partner and
have those conversations. No, the work of love is deeply getting to know
your partner and also introducing your partner to you even as you change and grow
across the lifespan. That is called intimacy. That is what love is about
being unafraid to be real, open, authentic, honest. You know,
I heard a woman say recently, Oh, all that talking. It's so
unromantic like quit. Love is supposed to be mysterious where two people are holding
their thoughts inside and nobody knows anyway. Go out and have some wonderful love.
Make your relationship better this week. Thanks so much for being with me.
I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm here on KFI every Sunday between seven and
nine pm. You can follow me on my social media at doctor Wendy Welsh
during the week, but I'll see you next week right here on KFI.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I Am six forty're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on kf I Am six forty from seven to
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.