WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.440 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:09.119 Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome did the Doctor Wendy 3 00:00:09.160 --> 00:00:13.640 Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app 4 00:00:13.880 --> 00:00:17.120 if you're new to my show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. 5 00:00:17.399 --> 00:00:23.039 I'm a psychology professor at California State University, Channel Islands. I teach psychology 6 00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:28.079 of health counseling. I teach developmental psychology, which is psychology across the life 7 00:00:28.120 --> 00:00:33.079 span and for all those new students just entering college life. I also teach 8 00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:39.119 introduction to psychology. But I have been obsessed with the science of love for 9 00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:43.840 oh gosh, decades and decades. I wrote my first book before I'd even 10 00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:46.719 gone to graduate school. It was called The Boyfriend Test, How do we 11 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:50.880 evaluate his potential before you lose your heart? Later on, when I had 12 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:55.840 a master's in psychology, I wrote The Girlfriend Test, How datable are you 13 00:00:55.880 --> 00:00:59.719 really? I interviewed a hundred men for that book, one hundred recently married 14 00:00:59.759 --> 00:01:03.040 man, and I basically asked them, why did you marry her? And 15 00:01:03.120 --> 00:01:07.480 why didn't you call the rest of us back? And it was very enlightening. 16 00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:11.920 Later, after I had a PhD, I wrote the Thirty Day Love 17 00:01:11.079 --> 00:01:17.439 DTOX, how to cleanse yourself of bad boys and commitment fobes and find a 18 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:23.000 real relationship. Obviously, I was also spending all those years healing myself and 19 00:01:23.159 --> 00:01:26.599 my own attachment injuries. I would like to think that I had a kind 20 00:01:26.640 --> 00:01:33.079 of anxious, ambivalent attachment style. We're actually going to be talking about attachment 21 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:38.560 style later in the show, and I have one of the world renowned researchers 22 00:01:38.599 --> 00:01:42.599 on attachment style joining us later in the show. I also want to talk 23 00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:46.359 about why good friends are important to your love life. I'm going to go 24 00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:49.319 to social media also and to help you answer some of your questions, because 25 00:01:49.319 --> 00:01:53.159 I know when we do calls, you get nervous. It's intimate, and 26 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:57.200 you're what if you're asking me about your relationship and that other person is listening. 27 00:01:57.200 --> 00:02:00.680 I get it. So it's fun to go into the DM every while 28 00:02:00.760 --> 00:02:04.400 once in a while and get those kinds of things. Also, if you're 29 00:02:04.439 --> 00:02:07.319 single, I want you to stay to the end. This is a very 30 00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:12.639 special three hour show. But in the third hour I want to focus on 31 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:16.080 how to find a mate if you're single, so getting on those dating apps, 32 00:02:16.080 --> 00:02:21.680 what to put in your profile or not, steps to finding love on 33 00:02:21.719 --> 00:02:25.280 a dating app, going from hey, we're a match to oh we're dating? 34 00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:29.960 What are we now? And later in the show, I also want 35 00:02:29.960 --> 00:02:36.000 to talk about slow love and my prescription for growing love the slow way. 36 00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:42.159 Now, my week has been very interesting because a piece of me is coming 37 00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:45.520 together. It's a long story, but during the pandemic, like many of 38 00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:50.039 you, I was uprooted, buying a place somewhere else and putting tenants in 39 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:53.520 my place, and then renting to get a kid in one school and moving 40 00:02:53.520 --> 00:02:59.680 a moving storage facilities, moving boxes, moving whatever. But this week I 41 00:02:59.800 --> 00:03:05.000 did the great purge where you realize I'm not going to have a storage facility 42 00:03:05.039 --> 00:03:07.000 anymore. I'm not going to have that other place. I'm gonna put everything 43 00:03:07.120 --> 00:03:13.560 in one place. So there's some feelings of like just coming together, and 44 00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:17.919 also the purge saying goodbye to lots of stuff. You know, our stuff 45 00:03:17.919 --> 00:03:23.960 holds memories, every chair we ever sat in for every dinner, every piece 46 00:03:23.960 --> 00:03:29.439 of clothing we wore. Clothing in particular, it's a reflection of our identity. 47 00:03:29.719 --> 00:03:31.719 And when you get rid of clothes, you're getting rid of a piece 48 00:03:31.759 --> 00:03:37.159 of your identity. I've heard this theory mostly by wardrobe stylists, who say 49 00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:42.159 that if you haven't worn thing, something, an article in one calendar year, 50 00:03:42.719 --> 00:03:45.639 that you should just get rid of it right one calendar year. Producer, 51 00:03:45.719 --> 00:03:47.280 Kayla, you did not like that idea, did you? I did 52 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:52.080 not. I like to have my options, but I think you're ever going 53 00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:57.840 to dig in, like like you know exactly so when. So here's the 54 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:00.400 thing with me. I've gotten rid of a lot of stuff that I don't 55 00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:02.159 wear anymore because I'm not like on TV every night like when I was a 56 00:04:02.199 --> 00:04:06.599 news anchor. But there's still these really sexy high heels that I can't get 57 00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:12.039 rid of because I'm like, there's still like maybe maybe I'll get invited. 58 00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:16.240 There's I could you will get invited? And you eat those hills really yeah? 59 00:04:16.360 --> 00:04:18.920 Yeah, I don't even know if I could walk in them anymore. 60 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:21.759 I got to practice around your kitchen just from the you know what, it 61 00:04:21.800 --> 00:04:26.120 was COVID. We all got into sneakers with COVID and flats and now I'm 62 00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:29.759 you know what Julio gave me for my birthday? Oh my god, I've 63 00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:32.920 never had anything like this. Gucci loafers is not a waste of money or 64 00:04:32.920 --> 00:04:38.160 what? Are they? Like? Extremely extremely extremely comfortable? Yes, yes, 65 00:04:38.240 --> 00:04:41.480 yes, yes, I'm extremely expensive. Like we could have had like 66 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:43.639 a trip around the world for that. I don't know, maybe not, 67 00:04:44.279 --> 00:04:46.439 but anyway, there, I'm into the flats. But you see, that's 68 00:04:46.480 --> 00:04:50.399 my point. Am I letting go of my glamorous self? Am I ready 69 00:04:50.439 --> 00:04:54.639 to let go of you know, something sexy even if it's uncomfortable? Am 70 00:04:54.639 --> 00:04:58.439 I letting? And these are the real questions that happen when you purge and 71 00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:00.800 you get rid of things. The the thing I did, of course, 72 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:04.439 is dug through all the baby pictures I'm also holding because my parents died when 73 00:05:04.480 --> 00:05:08.480 I was thirty, and I'm holding their boxes of stuff too, So I've 74 00:05:08.519 --> 00:05:12.319 got like my mom's wedding album and her single girls. I got a lot 75 00:05:12.360 --> 00:05:18.639 of stuff. And so going through those pictures brought this overwhelming feeling of melancholy 76 00:05:18.759 --> 00:05:24.399 to me. And I'm telling you this because I know I'm not alone and 77 00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:27.399 it may be other things that bring it up for you, But I want 78 00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:31.000 you to know that all feelings are welcome and usually bad things happen to us 79 00:05:31.040 --> 00:05:34.040 when we try to suppress feelings because they find a way to come out in 80 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:38.800 all kinds of weird behavior. So sometimes, like I did, if you 81 00:05:38.879 --> 00:05:43.040 need to take a night off and just sit and cry, because I'm just 82 00:05:43.079 --> 00:05:46.879 saying I've all the baby pictures over Mother's Day and my girls are grown, 83 00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:50.279 so I was like having delayed empty nest syndrome as well at the same time. 84 00:05:51.240 --> 00:05:56.279 Anyway, my point is that all feelings are welcome, and we should 85 00:05:56.279 --> 00:06:01.279 respect our feelings as important messagers in our our lives. Something else that's important 86 00:06:01.279 --> 00:06:05.879 in our lives good friends. Did you know that good friends can actually make 87 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:09.759 your love life better, not because they're fixing you up with somebody. But 88 00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:13.600 let me explain why you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 89 00:06:13.639 --> 00:06:17.480 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to 90 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:25.079 Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the 91 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:29.040 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 92 00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:32.240 iHeartRadio app. You know, friends are very very important to our mental health, 93 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:34.600 and we all need social support. I think a couple of weeks ago, 94 00:06:34.600 --> 00:06:40.000 I was talking about the new Surgeon General's report saying that loneliness has become 95 00:06:40.040 --> 00:06:45.160 an epidemic in America and many of us need to work harder to make sure 96 00:06:45.160 --> 00:06:49.959 we keep up those social connections because we evolved to be social creatures. We 97 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:56.560 are a many one brained species, and we cooperate together, we share together, 98 00:06:57.120 --> 00:07:00.079 and loneliness is bad for our mental health and it's bad for our physical 99 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:03.639 health. I have a number of friends who I've had since pretty much the 100 00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:09.480 beginning of time. I have a friend from seventh grade, a friend from 101 00:07:09.560 --> 00:07:13.920 eighth grade, a friend here in LA that I've had for thirty three years. 102 00:07:14.160 --> 00:07:15.519 In fact, I was digging through, as I mentioned, pictures in 103 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:19.360 boxes, and one of them I found of us all standing at like the 104 00:07:19.399 --> 00:07:26.360 Beverly Hilton at some charity event that I was the chair of and we were 105 00:07:26.360 --> 00:07:29.079 all dressed up and there was a bunch of couples and whatever, and I 106 00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:30.839 took a picture of it and I sent it to her and I was like, 107 00:07:30.120 --> 00:07:32.439 do you remember who the guy is you're with? And She's like, 108 00:07:32.920 --> 00:07:36.120 oh God, I wonder if he's still alive. Listen, she said. 109 00:07:39.560 --> 00:07:41.360 I'm like, I think you went out with him for a few years. 110 00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:46.480 She goes, I know what was I thinking. But it is fun to 111 00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:51.399 have historical friends, friends who have those memories with you, remember those times 112 00:07:51.399 --> 00:07:55.839 together. Now, not every friend has to be a long term friend. 113 00:07:55.879 --> 00:07:59.399 We can have friends that are common interest friends, like maybe we go to 114 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:05.120 yoga lotties with a group that we see regularly, or maybe we're lucky enough 115 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:09.160 to have a couple deeply intimate friends. They're all kinds of friends out there. 116 00:08:09.800 --> 00:08:15.680 Research has shown that the wider your social circle, the happier you are. 117 00:08:16.600 --> 00:08:18.720 And I used to think those friends of mine, I call them the 118 00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:22.560 connectors that have a referral for everything. I used to think, oh, 119 00:08:22.600 --> 00:08:24.800 they're not really close to anybody, They're just like they have a few But 120 00:08:24.920 --> 00:08:30.279 turns out the research shows they're happy as anything because they have connections to all 121 00:08:30.360 --> 00:08:35.360 kinds of people. They have referrals to people. They have doctors they can 122 00:08:35.360 --> 00:08:37.000 call. Okay, they have lawyers they could call. They have connections, 123 00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:41.759 they have plumbers, they got it all. So the more people we have 124 00:08:41.799 --> 00:08:46.080 in our life, the better. But when it comes to our romantic life, 125 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:50.120 I know, when you first meet somebody. Your cocoon a little bit, 126 00:08:50.399 --> 00:08:54.279 right, everybody does, you leave your friends behind, your friends get 127 00:08:54.279 --> 00:08:58.679 mad, you go into your little romantic compartment just thinking and dreaming and breathing 128 00:08:58.679 --> 00:09:03.639 in that person, and then you come out of it like who am I? 129 00:09:03.799 --> 00:09:07.039 What was this? Well, let me explain why you need to reach 130 00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:09.320 out after cocooning and reconnect with some of those friends, and that they will 131 00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:15.399 actually help you with your relationship. First of all, they fulfill needs that 132 00:09:15.519 --> 00:09:22.639 your partner cannot. The famous relationship analyst or therapist Esther Perell says that one 133 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:28.600 of the biggest problems in our relationships today is that we have replaced the village 134 00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:33.759 with one person. We expect our partner to be everything. We expect our 135 00:09:33.799 --> 00:09:39.519 partner to be our emotional support, our intellectual stimulation, our jungle gym for 136 00:09:39.600 --> 00:09:45.639 our sexual pleasure, our financial partner. It is too much. It's too 137 00:09:45.759 --> 00:09:48.759 much to put on one person, and so having a social network of people 138 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:56.279 that you can call and rely on actually help support your relationship. The research 139 00:09:56.279 --> 00:10:01.320 shows that people with lots of social relationship ships outside of their primary romantic relationship 140 00:10:03.159 --> 00:10:07.759 actually have higher life satisfaction. You know this morning, I was up early 141 00:10:07.960 --> 00:10:11.159 for some reason. Julio slept in longer than me, and I was out 142 00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:15.240 in the living room and I got on the phone with my best friend Maria 143 00:10:15.279 --> 00:10:18.039 and we were just chatted about everything. I didn't even notice that he got 144 00:10:18.120 --> 00:10:22.679 up started making breakfast whatever. I was just in another And you know you 145 00:10:22.759 --> 00:10:26.399 need it all, You really do need it all now. I mentioned in 146 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:31.320 one of my books. I can't remember if it was the boyfriend test of 147 00:10:31.360 --> 00:10:35.200 the girlfriend test, but one of the questions was do your friends support your 148 00:10:35.240 --> 00:10:39.559 relationship or support your single life. I remember rack when I was a young 149 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:43.759 woman dating that I had these certain friends that they would always find things wrong 150 00:10:43.799 --> 00:10:48.159 with the people I was dating. And then I realized, oh, they're 151 00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:50.559 not wanting me to be happy. They need me out in the single world 152 00:10:50.679 --> 00:10:54.320 because they're my wing girls and they're out there getting my seconds. So they 153 00:10:54.320 --> 00:10:58.000 don't want me hooked up and out there with a guy because then they've lost 154 00:10:58.039 --> 00:11:03.679 me. So if you have good friends that support your relationship, they can 155 00:11:03.759 --> 00:11:09.000 actually help salvage your relationship when times get tough, when there is conflict and 156 00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:11.639 you go talk to your girlfriend about it. And that's the kind of girlfriend 157 00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:13.919 that says, you know what you need to give him break? Seriously, 158 00:11:13.960 --> 00:11:16.559 you're bring a little bit hard on him. Think about the times that he 159 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:20.200 did this, or vice versa. Dude, you call up your guy friend 160 00:11:20.240 --> 00:11:22.679 and you go, ah, I think I just need a divorce, and 161 00:11:22.679 --> 00:11:24.360 he's gonna say, no, Man, look what she does for you. 162 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:26.120 You want to stay with her. She's good. You don't want to be 163 00:11:26.120 --> 00:11:33.120 out of here with us single guys. So have friendships that support your relationship. 164 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:37.000 And the other one is they help you not lose yourself completely in the 165 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:41.519 relationship. Now, relationships become part of our identity. Right. It's often 166 00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:45.879 when people are dealing with long term grieving after the loss of a loved one, 167 00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:50.799 whether it's divorce or death, they've actually lost a piece of themselves because 168 00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:52.759 when you get in a relationship where you're so in sync, you only have 169 00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:56.279 to use half a brain because the other person is doing the other half of 170 00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:00.639 everything. Even feeling, the feeling work and the thinking work, and having 171 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:05.480 friends helps you remember who you are, remember who you were, so that 172 00:12:05.600 --> 00:12:11.600 you don't get sucked into that vortex of love wound around somebody in a relationship. 173 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.759 So I'm telling you keep your friendships up. Yes, that means go 174 00:12:16.840 --> 00:12:20.159 out for your girlfriend knights, not the girlfriends that are not supportive of your 175 00:12:20.159 --> 00:12:24.039 relationship, not the girlfriends that want to drag you out to singles clubs or 176 00:12:24.080 --> 00:12:26.519 whatever. I understand what your partner doesn't want you hanging with them, but 177 00:12:26.840 --> 00:12:31.480 think about other people in secure relationships and then just go hang out with the 178 00:12:31.480 --> 00:12:33.399 same sex. Part of that. Go out and you know, guys, 179 00:12:33.480 --> 00:12:37.480 go golfing, go to card night, go watch boxing, whatever you do, 180 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:41.399 Yankee games, oh no, Dodger games sorry, run city. And 181 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:48.120 then ladies go to book club, hang go to yoga together. It's so 182 00:12:48.360 --> 00:12:52.720 important for your love relationship. Okay, speaking of love relationships. When we 183 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:56.159 come back, I'm going to take a dive into my social media and check 184 00:12:56.159 --> 00:12:58.879 out my dms. If you'd like to send me a message, it is 185 00:12:58.919 --> 00:13:03.759 at doctor Wendy wall at Dr Wendy Walter, start Instagram, TikTok. Maybe 186 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:07.480 let's look into the dms and see if you have some relationship questions, because 187 00:13:07.480 --> 00:13:11.200 I've got some drive by makeshift relationship advice coming next you listening to the Doctor 188 00:13:11.200 --> 00:13:15.960 Wendy Walsh Show and k if I am six forty We're live everywhere on the 189 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:22.440 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am 190 00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:26.600 six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM 191 00:13:26.639 --> 00:13:30.679 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right, I 192 00:13:30.679 --> 00:13:33.039 would like to take some time to answer some of your relationship questions. I 193 00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:37.639 want to remind you this isn't therapy. I'm not a therapist. I happen 194 00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:41.960 to have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor. But I've 195 00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:46.440 been reading about and writing about the science of love for quite a few decades. 196 00:13:46.840 --> 00:13:50.279 I also have a lot of life experience. Think of me as your 197 00:13:50.279 --> 00:13:54.039 old auntie who has had some bad things happen to her in relationships, oh 198 00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:58.240 and some good things too. So I'm happy to share my wisdom. So 199 00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:01.720 let us go to the DM Instagram or TikTok. If you'd like to send 200 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:05.440 a message, you just send a DM on there. The handle is at 201 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:13.720 doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Dear doctor Wendy, I don't know 202 00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:16.159 if it's politically correct to say this. See when you start out like that 203 00:14:16.600 --> 00:14:20.039 and what is this is a dude? Yeah, dude, When you start 204 00:14:20.039 --> 00:14:24.639 out like that, probably it's not politically correct, he said, But I 205 00:14:24.679 --> 00:14:28.440 have to say it. My wife is letting herself go. She used to 206 00:14:28.480 --> 00:14:33.000 be always so well dressed and put together, but for the past year she 207 00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:37.960 hasn't been putting effort into herself. How can I say something without hurting her 208 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:46.039 feelings? Well, I want to remind you that everybody's behavior is a what's 209 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:52.279 the word? The behaviors are motivated by feelings. I'm worried about a couple 210 00:14:52.279 --> 00:14:56.039 of things. Maybe she's like, I'm going to ask you to ask yourself. 211 00:14:56.600 --> 00:15:01.200 What else has she been going through in the past year? Is she 212 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:05.399 suffering from depression? Have there been stuff that happens? What's going on in 213 00:15:05.440 --> 00:15:09.799 the relationship with you? You know, try to get her talking about what 214 00:15:09.919 --> 00:15:13.759 she's experiencing, because I promise you her not you know, spend it. 215 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:18.759 Look, I know what it's like. There are days, many days where 216 00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:20.600 I do not want to put on hair and makeup. I do not want 217 00:15:20.600 --> 00:15:24.240 to get dressed up, and I don't on those days. And luckily I 218 00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:28.960 work in radio now, so I don't always have to. But if you 219 00:15:28.039 --> 00:15:33.879 see this as consistent. It's a reflection of what's going on inside her somewhere. 220 00:15:33.480 --> 00:15:37.799 Nagging her and telling her to look nicer is only going to backfire. 221 00:15:39.000 --> 00:15:41.480 It's the worst thing you can do. I might give you permission to say 222 00:15:41.559 --> 00:15:45.320 something like, hey, baby, I haven't taken you out dancing in a 223 00:15:45.360 --> 00:15:48.080 long time. Why don't you get a new dress and let's go out dancing 224 00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:50.679 together. Let's make a nice night of it. That makes sense, right, 225 00:15:50.759 --> 00:15:54.519 Kayla? Does that make sense? But that sound hurtful? That sounds 226 00:15:54.559 --> 00:15:56.440 lovely? Yeah, I think that would be okay. Yeah, And then 227 00:15:56.559 --> 00:16:03.360 ask her how she's feeling not aren't you dressing nice? Right? Okay? 228 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:11.720 Dear doctor Wendy. Oh, so my husband and my best friend had a 229 00:16:11.759 --> 00:16:17.080 platonic relationship outside of me. I'm gonna pause there to say, are you 230 00:16:17.159 --> 00:16:22.360 sure? Okay? They were really good friends. They had a disagreement and 231 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:25.639 no longer talk to each other. I find myself in the middle of it. 232 00:16:25.960 --> 00:16:29.159 This is becoming stressful. How can I get out of the middle. 233 00:16:29.320 --> 00:16:33.600 I don't think they will ever be friends again. Well, I would like 234 00:16:33.679 --> 00:16:37.879 to know what the fight was about. I think there's way more material in 235 00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:41.200 there that you don't know. About there, because you would have told me 236 00:16:41.480 --> 00:16:45.360 if you knew more, you would have told me. You know, you 237 00:16:45.440 --> 00:16:48.799 got to choose your husband over your best friend. Sorry, that's the union, 238 00:16:48.919 --> 00:16:52.240 right, You've made this commitment. Maybe you have kids together. I 239 00:16:52.279 --> 00:16:57.159 don't know. Maybe the level of their platonic relationship was a little deeper than 240 00:16:57.200 --> 00:17:03.480 you thought, and maybe this disagreement was long overdue, and maybe they do 241 00:17:03.600 --> 00:17:06.799 need to take some space. And maybe you need to take some space from 242 00:17:06.799 --> 00:17:10.599 this best friend if she's a threat to your relationship. That's all I'm going 243 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:14.160 to say. But there's some more material in there. I know there is. 244 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:17.680 There's something you don't know. It's making me think. It's just making 245 00:17:17.720 --> 00:17:23.000 me think. Dear doctor went, oh, I get this stuff all the 246 00:17:23.079 --> 00:17:29.680 time. This is from a gentleman. And he said, dear doctor, 247 00:17:29.720 --> 00:17:33.480 Wendy, I'm having really bad luck on the dating apps and I can't get 248 00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:38.880 a girlfriend. I'm wondering if it's because I'm short and I don't make a 249 00:17:38.880 --> 00:17:42.680 lot of money. I work in the fast food industry. How can I 250 00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:47.720 get ladies to see what a lover I am. Well, I just want 251 00:17:47.720 --> 00:17:52.799 to tell you that the ways that men showcase their mating strategy isn't always by 252 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:57.880 height and a full head of hair and a big thick wallet. It's by 253 00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:04.519 intelligence and humor and how you make a woman feel. I promise you there 254 00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:10.079 are other women working at that fast food place who would think you're hysterical and 255 00:18:10.319 --> 00:18:14.279 fun if you gave them the time of day in the right way. I 256 00:18:14.319 --> 00:18:18.359 was listening to Steve Harvey the other day. He was telling a story from 257 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:21.440 college how his brother gave him advice about how to pick up a woman. 258 00:18:21.880 --> 00:18:25.279 And it was the cutest story because he said, the first day you walk 259 00:18:25.319 --> 00:18:26.799 by her in the cafeterier, you just say hello and you keep moving. 260 00:18:27.359 --> 00:18:30.400 This next time you see or you walk by and you just say hello. 261 00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:33.759 Would you mind telling me your name? She'll say the name, and then 262 00:18:33.759 --> 00:18:36.880 you say hello, and you walk by. Then you wait a couple of 263 00:18:36.960 --> 00:18:40.000 days, then you walk by again, and this time you say hi, 264 00:18:40.240 --> 00:18:44.200 whatever name is, Felicia. I just want to think the name actually, 265 00:18:44.279 --> 00:18:47.960 was that Caleb? I just want you, And now that I know your 266 00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:49.079 name, you should know mine. Who was saying hello to my name is 267 00:18:49.079 --> 00:18:52.680 Steve And she said hi, Steve, and then the brothers said keep walking, 268 00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:56.400 just keep walking anyway, It took like two weeks for him to say, 269 00:18:56.799 --> 00:19:00.119 you know, I'd like to take you out for pizza one night and 270 00:19:00.200 --> 00:19:02.359 I'll come pick you. He goes. By the time I got to her 271 00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:06.119 dorm to walk her to pizza, there were thirty women standing outside. Gone 272 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:11.839 r look at you because he played hard to get in a cool way right 273 00:19:11.920 --> 00:19:15.160 to say Hi, Just be simple and move away. And for sure, 274 00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:18.039 I know it's hard. You don't want to look desperate, right, You 275 00:19:18.079 --> 00:19:21.279 don't want to be a victim. You just got to get your mojo back. 276 00:19:21.519 --> 00:19:25.559 Got to get yourself confidence because these are inner voices inside you. Other 277 00:19:25.559 --> 00:19:27.920 people might not think the negative things about you that you'll think about you, 278 00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:32.920 right, You got to change those into positive voices. Okay, when we 279 00:19:32.920 --> 00:19:34.799 come back, I'm going to continue to answer your questions from social media. 280 00:19:34.799 --> 00:19:38.160 If you'd like to send me a question, just DM it at at doctor 281 00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:41.519 Wendy Walsh Instagram and TikTok is where I'm checking. Right now, you're listening 282 00:19:41.559 --> 00:19:45.440 to the Doctor Endy Walsh Show and kf I Am six forty. We're live 283 00:19:45.480 --> 00:19:51.240 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 284 00:19:51.359 --> 00:19:55.680 kf I Am six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Dy Walsh Show on 285 00:19:55.839 --> 00:20:00.440 KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right, 286 00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:04.279 more of my drive by makeshift relationship advice. If you'd like to send 287 00:20:04.319 --> 00:20:10.759 a private message a DM, you can on my Instagram or on my TikTok. 288 00:20:11.400 --> 00:20:14.839 I don't know if producer Kalis checking the comments on YouTube, but you 289 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.880 can follow me anywhere. Everything is at Dr Wendy Walsh. You know, 290 00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:25.160 we we switch it up a lot. Sometimes we do something that's all phone 291 00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:27.480 calls, and sometimes we just check the dms. You know, these are 292 00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:32.599 very tender, intimate questions, and I really am honored that you send them 293 00:20:32.599 --> 00:20:34.200 to me. So it's okay to change your name. I will never say 294 00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:38.240 your name out on air. If you call in on other weeks, I 295 00:20:38.319 --> 00:20:41.680 won't say. You know you can change your name. I don't care. 296 00:20:41.440 --> 00:20:48.920 Okay. Like here, here's an interesting one, Dear Doctor Wendy. My 297 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:53.000 girlfriend broke up with me because I got her earrings and a coat that she 298 00:20:53.079 --> 00:20:57.319 said is not her style. I'm so hurt. I tried buying her more 299 00:20:57.359 --> 00:21:00.519 gifts, but she won't accept them. I love her so much. Where 300 00:21:00.519 --> 00:21:04.640 did I go wrong? Okay, sir, this is not about the gifts. 301 00:21:06.119 --> 00:21:08.319 It has nothing to do with the gifts. It has to do with 302 00:21:08.359 --> 00:21:12.359 what your relationship was based on. First of all, I'm wondering if your 303 00:21:12.359 --> 00:21:18.880 relationship was only material like Okay, we do know that relationships are an exchange 304 00:21:18.920 --> 00:21:22.880 of care, and that care can take many forms. It can be instrumental 305 00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:26.920 care. It give be emotional support care. It can be caring for someone 306 00:21:26.920 --> 00:21:30.200 if they're sick. It could be intellectual stimulation care. It can be sexual 307 00:21:30.200 --> 00:21:33.000 care. And yeah, it can be financial care. It can be childcare. 308 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:36.319 It can be domestic responsibility care. They're all kinds of ways that we 309 00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:41.440 care for each other. But if your relationship is just based on the material 310 00:21:41.559 --> 00:21:44.759 on her end, well I don't really like him that much, but it 311 00:21:44.759 --> 00:21:48.319 gives me these gifts so I'll hang around. Then it's a false relationship, 312 00:21:48.440 --> 00:21:55.119 right, It's not gonna last. On the other hand, I'm wondering if 313 00:21:55.160 --> 00:22:00.720 she wanted more more of you emotionally. You know. I remember years ago 314 00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:03.200 I was dating this guy and I was really really into him. I thought 315 00:22:03.200 --> 00:22:07.920 he was great, and he gave me this designer belt, like so I 316 00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:11.599 can't remember which line this belt, and he made me open up it up 317 00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:15.680 in front of this other couple friends, and the woman made a point of 318 00:22:15.720 --> 00:22:19.200 going, oh, wow, you must be really special. Look at that 319 00:22:19.279 --> 00:22:26.599 wonderful gift, And I said and again, I process externally, So sometimes 320 00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:29.920 I hear thoughts for the first time out of my lips. And I found 321 00:22:29.920 --> 00:22:33.599 myself saying I don't want stuff. I want love. That's what I said 322 00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:37.960 right at the dinner table with that other couple. And he felt so hurt 323 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:41.240 that he bought me this nice gift, and I really insulted him. I 324 00:22:41.279 --> 00:22:45.720 feel bad about saying that, but basically he was trying to give me stuff 325 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:52.200 as a surrogate for giving me what I really wanted, which was an emotional 326 00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:56.799 connection, which was him. So I'm wondering, if your girlfriend wants you 327 00:22:57.720 --> 00:23:03.960 not the coat, not the earrings, or if she just wants your money 328 00:23:03.960 --> 00:23:06.839 and you didn't spend enough, do you really want her anyway? I'm just 329 00:23:06.920 --> 00:23:11.319 going to say that. Okay, back to the dms on Instagram. Oh 330 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:15.440 here's a good one. Let me see, ah, Dear doctor Wendy, 331 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:21.119 I feel like I keep attracting unavailable players. It's the only thing I'm attracted 332 00:23:21.160 --> 00:23:25.119 to nice guys, just don't do it for me. Why am I addicted 333 00:23:25.119 --> 00:23:30.799 to being hurt? Well, the answer to this, the exact answer to 334 00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:36.200 this, will come up between you and your therapist, especially if you go 335 00:23:36.279 --> 00:23:40.920 to a psychoanalytic therapist like I did, because I went with the same question, 336 00:23:41.359 --> 00:23:45.400 you are exactly me When I was thirty thirty two years old, right, 337 00:23:45.920 --> 00:23:48.440 bad boys, bad boys, bad boys, nice guys turn me off. 338 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:52.480 I would say, oh, they're too nice, right, And so, 339 00:23:52.440 --> 00:23:57.640 you know, my therapist helped me understand that I had a faulty attachment 340 00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:04.039 system, that I actually was more in love with longing than I was with 341 00:24:04.119 --> 00:24:08.400 feelings of security. So if a guy would bring up feelings of longing, 342 00:24:08.920 --> 00:24:15.440 I got all activated. And here's the crazy thing how attachment style works. 343 00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:22.519 We usually get really sexually aroused by those that will hurt us the most if 344 00:24:22.519 --> 00:24:26.799 we have an anxious attachment style, right. And so when I would say, 345 00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:29.279 ah, just you know, those nice guys don't do it for me, 346 00:24:29.359 --> 00:24:33.000 I'm not even aroused. I'm not attracted to them, right. It 347 00:24:33.079 --> 00:24:37.440 was because I was in love with longing. I wasn't in love with feelings 348 00:24:37.480 --> 00:24:44.920 of safety and security. Eventually, through years of therapy and lots of reading 349 00:24:44.920 --> 00:24:48.799 and writing and lots of changing my behaviors, I was able to change. 350 00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:55.640 I was able to understand that I deserve care. I deserve somebody who can 351 00:24:55.680 --> 00:24:59.960 take care of me. I deserve that I can have a great, wonder 352 00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:03.480 full, exciting sex life with somebody like that because I've made the choice. 353 00:25:04.039 --> 00:25:08.079 I've made the choice to have a rational love. And I hope you can 354 00:25:08.200 --> 00:25:12.559 understand that a lot of this often has to do with early childhood trauma that 355 00:25:12.680 --> 00:25:17.720 only you and your therapist can tease apart. You can get to the bottom 356 00:25:17.759 --> 00:25:23.119 of the why, and then you can change your patterns by making different choices, 357 00:25:23.759 --> 00:25:30.480 by learning how to tolerate kindness, learning how to be around niceness and 358 00:25:30.599 --> 00:25:36.240 find that very attractive. This is a choice for you to make. All 359 00:25:36.319 --> 00:25:40.200 right, When we come back, I have a very special guest of the 360 00:25:40.240 --> 00:25:45.079 show, doctor Olmri Gilath, from the Department of Psychology at the University of 361 00:25:45.200 --> 00:25:51.400 Kansas. He has been studying close relationships and attachment theory for two decades and 362 00:25:51.680 --> 00:25:56.319 he's done the most interesting study. Did you know you can prime somebody, 363 00:25:56.359 --> 00:25:59.839 give them certain kinds of cues, and then when they get asked out on 364 00:25:59.839 --> 00:26:03.319 a date, they're going to choose a short term or a long term relationship 365 00:26:03.640 --> 00:26:07.079 based on how they were primed. It's going to be a really interesting conversation. 366 00:26:07.480 --> 00:26:11.119 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. 367 00:26:11.119 --> 00:26:17.599 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy 368 00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:19.559 Walsh. You can always hear us live on k f I am six forty 369 00:26:19.599 --> 00:26:25.519 from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.