WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.320 --> 00:00:07.400 It's the two seventeen Recovery Podcast with Corey Winfield. If you kind of look 2 00:00:07.480 --> 00:00:09.800 deeper at the situation, you know, which I'm sure you will, because 3 00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:13.960 everything that we go through is an experience that we learned from. And Justin 4 00:00:14.279 --> 00:00:17.640 Burke, I come right in. I am very sneaky about it. You'll 5 00:00:17.679 --> 00:00:20.679 be talking to someone and I'll just come in and set up my desk and 6 00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:27.839 just bust one out real quick. It is the twentieth of May, twenty 7 00:00:27.879 --> 00:00:33.039 twenty four, Monday, Fory Winfield and this is the two seventeen Recovery Podcast. 8 00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:37.679 Justin Burke. He in the studio. Fabulous, Yeah, how you 9 00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:42.960 doing? Fabulous? All right, wonderful. It is a fabulous state too. 10 00:00:43.000 --> 00:00:46.960 It is a little rainy, but it's still good. Yeah. And 11 00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:51.920 I know tomorrow I'm gonna be a little busier with other things in my life. 12 00:00:52.200 --> 00:00:55.359 Yeah, for a long time. Oh, next eighteen, I think 13 00:00:55.399 --> 00:01:00.240 for the next ever. Yeah, unless I know, I'm not going to 14 00:01:00.280 --> 00:01:03.079 be a dad who just walks away. No, I'm going to be there 15 00:01:03.079 --> 00:01:07.879 for my son. Yeah, my son, Parker. Were going tomorrow morning 16 00:01:07.599 --> 00:01:15.079 and we're gonna have a baby. And it's something that I've wanted for quite 17 00:01:15.120 --> 00:01:19.000 some time, and I'm glad that I didn't have a child when I was 18 00:01:19.319 --> 00:01:23.959 in active addiction. There was a time in my life, justin where I 19 00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:26.359 used to tell people, well, I'm going to stop drinking when I get 20 00:01:26.359 --> 00:01:30.280 married and have kids. Yeah, that don't work. I've had two during 21 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:37.159 active addiction, the only two I got, and my son ended up signing 22 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:40.120 off rights too, so that when I have to pitch child support, so 23 00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:46.920 I keep using and whatnot. And his mom ended up getting remarried and wanted 24 00:01:46.920 --> 00:01:51.040 their own little, perfect family. So I gave her what she wanted and 25 00:01:51.519 --> 00:01:56.359 was my daughter on the other hand, wasn't the case. I kept my 26 00:01:56.480 --> 00:02:00.799 rights for her and just continue to do for a lot of years and seeinger 27 00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:07.680 that some pieces over life and like it's hard on them. Yeah, And 28 00:02:07.719 --> 00:02:14.120 what you just said there is the fact and the truth that I didn't want 29 00:02:14.159 --> 00:02:15.639 to see at the time. You know, I just figured, oh, 30 00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:20.280 well, once I have them, I'll stop using. It doesn't work that 31 00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:23.039 way. No, it doesn't make you a bad person. And you said 32 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:24.800 you had to. You didn't have to, but you did. You know 33 00:02:24.840 --> 00:02:28.479 you signed off the rights. Is that something you would do today? Probably 34 00:02:28.520 --> 00:02:31.199 not? No, But when you're in active addiction. That's the only thing 35 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:35.560 that matters to you. And that's how addiction works. And that's why you 36 00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:42.919 hear stories of people putting their children in harms way because they're they're doing drugs 37 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:47.240 or making drugs. And it's not because at one time they were just born 38 00:02:47.360 --> 00:02:52.280 bad people. It's because the addiction takes over the brain and it makes the 39 00:02:52.319 --> 00:02:55.800 brain or the brain makes you want to do what the brain wants to do, 40 00:02:57.479 --> 00:03:00.879 and that is get more drugs. That is not sleep, it's not 41 00:03:00.960 --> 00:03:05.280 food, it's not protecting your family. It's more drugs, more drugs, 42 00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:08.520 more drugs, more drugs. And you know, thank god you did snap 43 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:12.039 out of it. You know, thank god that you did get busted and 44 00:03:12.039 --> 00:03:15.639 go to jail, you know, because that did save your life. You'd 45 00:03:15.680 --> 00:03:21.319 still be out there using today. You'd be dead probably day I had no 46 00:03:21.439 --> 00:03:24.639 teeth, and you just it wouldn't matter. And that's a lot of people 47 00:03:24.639 --> 00:03:30.520 will say, I'll I would never do that drug anyway. Well you say 48 00:03:30.680 --> 00:03:35.159 never, Yeah, you will try them all, and especially with my drug 49 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:40.319 of choice was alcohol, and alcohols is a funny one because you're younger and 50 00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:44.879 you can get buzz off a couple of beers. Then you like pride yourself, 51 00:03:44.919 --> 00:03:46.360 like I can drink a whole six pack, and then I can drink 52 00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:50.719 a whole Okay, you start priding yourself and it becomes a badge of honor, 53 00:03:51.719 --> 00:03:54.080 and then it flips immediately because you do something stupid. Oh well, 54 00:03:54.199 --> 00:03:58.039 it's because he's always drunk. Well it was before it was like, oh 55 00:03:58.039 --> 00:04:00.159 well look at Cory. He can drink a whole eighteen pack, and then 56 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:02.080 it becomes, oh, Corey, he's a drunk. I don't want to 57 00:04:02.120 --> 00:04:11.360 be around him, you know. And being someone who drinks, you're inhibitions 58 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:15.160 are lowered, your standards are lowered, The things you do are lowered. 59 00:04:15.240 --> 00:04:17.920 You know. That's that's why you can't drive a vehicle. You know. 60 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:23.680 You make bad decisions, you you, yeah, you used to make bad 61 00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:26.160 decisions. So if someone comes along and they have a different drug and you're 62 00:04:26.199 --> 00:04:29.120 like, well, I'm already drunk, like let me try that. That's 63 00:04:29.160 --> 00:04:31.040 how I tried every other drug ever. I was never just sober thought hey 64 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:34.720 let's do some coke today. You know. I was like sitting around going 65 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:39.319 all right, yeah, let's try let's try smoking meth. I wasn't was 66 00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:43.519 sitting around doing that. You already had a good buzz going and already mine 67 00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:47.079 altered, and well, it's worst that could happen, probably nothing, Yeah 68 00:04:47.199 --> 00:04:50.879 whatever, I almost killed myself drinking, So what is this? It's heroin? 69 00:04:50.920 --> 00:04:55.720 Sure, let's try it, you know, like that's the dangerous part 70 00:04:55.720 --> 00:05:00.720 of it. And like ice or meth whatever, like that is something you 71 00:05:00.759 --> 00:05:02.480 should never play with, you know, and being told early like, oh, 72 00:05:02.480 --> 00:05:06.199 marijuana is so bad. And then I started to distrust people when they 73 00:05:06.199 --> 00:05:09.720 would tell me, how, oh, don't ever try coke. That's that's 74 00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:12.800 horrible. And you know I didn't die. I didn't have a heart attack 75 00:05:12.839 --> 00:05:14.879 from it, you know, like what are they talking about? So I 76 00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:17.199 just assume that they lie about every other drug, But you know, meth 77 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:23.120 is one that I've never even heard someone say don't ever try that. But 78 00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:26.279 that's me saying don't ever try that. I tell people all the time, 79 00:05:26.360 --> 00:05:29.199 you know, don't even mess with it. Like, you'll try it, 80 00:05:29.680 --> 00:05:33.879 you'll probably enjoy it, but give yourself a week or two actually on it, 81 00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:38.600 and it'll eat your soul. Yeah, like it'll take everything away from 82 00:05:38.680 --> 00:05:41.720 you. And just try it once you're gonna want more and you're gonna be 83 00:05:41.759 --> 00:05:44.240 willing to do things that you never thought you would do to get more. 84 00:05:44.480 --> 00:05:46.560 Yep, and that's just the first time, so don't do it. But 85 00:05:46.600 --> 00:05:49.319 sometimes people get tricked into it. Sometimes people hey, you know, try 86 00:05:49.319 --> 00:05:51.959 this whatever, and that had no intention on it, but they were drunk. 87 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:56.480 Like I said, people make bad decisions when they're drunk, off to 88 00:05:56.560 --> 00:06:00.279 the races. And they never went to that party thinking they were gonna smoke 89 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:02.519 math and be addicted to math. But that's what happens, you know. 90 00:06:02.560 --> 00:06:05.480 But alcohol, you know, that's what they started. Oh yeah, that's 91 00:06:05.480 --> 00:06:10.639 safe and legal, isn't it. It's not safe. It's the number one 92 00:06:10.759 --> 00:06:13.680 killer. Really yeah, well there's a lot of safe and legal things, 93 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:16.519 but it doesn't make it okay. You know, are we just still living 94 00:06:16.519 --> 00:06:21.040 in the alcohol epidemic? Like like, sure, what's going on with that? 95 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:26.759 You know? And you know the opioid epidemic. Okay, it is 96 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:29.759 what it is. And I think people should, you know, get help 97 00:06:29.800 --> 00:06:31.839 for all all the stuff that they do. But you know the fact that 98 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:35.959 alcohol is treated such in such a different manner. And some people say, 99 00:06:35.959 --> 00:06:39.560 well, yeah, because some people can have some beers and go home, 100 00:06:39.720 --> 00:06:43.399 sure, you know, and that's like saying, like, I don't think 101 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:46.959 that people can just smoke some ice and go home and be fine. No, 102 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:48.519 maybe they can, maybe they can't. I don't know what I did 103 00:06:48.600 --> 00:06:53.480 in the beginning, but it didn't take long for me to be like, 104 00:06:53.720 --> 00:06:58.560 well that was fun. I want more. And it just evolved itself so 105 00:06:59.079 --> 00:07:03.000 rapidly, like I thought I had it under control, but looking back on 106 00:07:03.040 --> 00:07:11.519 it, there is no control over it. Yeah, And it's so acceptable 107 00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:13.959 to drink your problems. The way. We were watching the show the other 108 00:07:14.040 --> 00:07:16.639 day and the guy was like, oh, sit down there at this reading 109 00:07:16.720 --> 00:07:20.560 of the will, and the guy was telling the lady who lost her husband, 110 00:07:20.560 --> 00:07:24.600 you need to sit down here or have a drink a little early for 111 00:07:24.639 --> 00:07:27.199 that, and and he's like, you're gonna need You're gonna need it a 112 00:07:27.279 --> 00:07:30.800 couple of these. You get through this today, It's like okay. So 113 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:32.360 that's like saying, hey, man, sit down, you're gonna hear need 114 00:07:32.360 --> 00:07:36.439 to smoke this here here, here, just pop this pill real quick. 115 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:40.720 And people do that all the time too, And that's kind of another one 116 00:07:40.720 --> 00:07:44.040 that can kind of get away from you as well. I mean, they 117 00:07:44.040 --> 00:07:46.360 all can get away from you before you know it. But alcohol is one 118 00:07:46.399 --> 00:07:49.600 that you know, you're you're told that it's okay to you know, have 119 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:53.480 a few drinks and that yeah, people can't do it. But like my 120 00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:56.000 little brother, he doesn't do it all the time. You know, he 121 00:07:56.040 --> 00:07:59.160 can have beers. I step back and have beers. I didn't drink that 122 00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:01.759 way, no, you know, it was like, well, let's numb 123 00:08:01.800 --> 00:08:05.800 something, let's get messed up, and it was it was me trying to 124 00:08:05.879 --> 00:08:09.639 hide my pain and my suffering. But part of that was, well, 125 00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:13.600 I'll get married and have kids one day, you know, and then I'll 126 00:08:13.639 --> 00:08:16.000 then I'll stop the drinking, which is a lie because a no woman is 127 00:08:16.040 --> 00:08:20.839 going to stick with me for that. No, nobody wants to be around 128 00:08:20.839 --> 00:08:22.800 someone who's just drinking all the time in a drunk if you want to say 129 00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:28.360 those words. Not that I like beat him up or anything like that, 130 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:33.320 I'm sure I wasn't very pleasant, but it is one of those things. 131 00:08:33.360 --> 00:08:37.240 And so to think that someone is gonna stick with me long enough to get 132 00:08:37.279 --> 00:08:41.759 married to me, that's stupid. And then okay, so even if I 133 00:08:41.799 --> 00:08:45.879 did trick someone into it and they married me and then I had children, 134 00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:48.879 well, now I'm just gonna be a drunk father. I'm gonna be hiding 135 00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:52.360 it. I'm not going to be I'm not going to quit, you know, 136 00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:54.759 because addiction doesn't work that way. And some people will say, well, 137 00:08:54.759 --> 00:08:58.039 he's just a really bad dad, and that's not the case, you 138 00:08:58.039 --> 00:09:01.759 know. I mean, there are just really bad dads out there. Probably 139 00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:03.840 you don't even drink or use drugs. You know, they're just bad people. 140 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:09.240 But to say that every dad out there whoever had a problem with the 141 00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:13.360 substance as a bad person is incorrect. It doesn't mean that you don't love 142 00:09:13.399 --> 00:09:16.879 your child, even the one that you signed off the paper. This doesn't 143 00:09:16.919 --> 00:09:20.000 mean you don't love them, you know, I do. It was a 144 00:09:20.039 --> 00:09:22.120 huge part of your life, and was it something that you wish you could 145 00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:26.480 redo. I don't know, but you know I both know you can't go 146 00:09:26.559 --> 00:09:30.519 back and change time. There's nothing you can you can undo. You can 147 00:09:30.639 --> 00:09:33.919 be sober today so that maybe one day he wants to reach out to you 148 00:09:33.919 --> 00:09:37.440 and go dad, like what happened? You know, Maybe he just calls 149 00:09:37.480 --> 00:09:39.440 you justin whatever, you know, to have some kind of relationship with you, 150 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:43.600 because I'm sure you'd be open to it. And just I'm quite a 151 00:09:43.639 --> 00:09:48.960 bit here and there, yeah, and just to be like I'm up and 152 00:09:48.039 --> 00:09:52.240 up and and I'm sure she'll she tells him that, you know that, 153 00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:54.679 hey, yeah, your dad's doing better, you know, because I'm sure 154 00:09:54.679 --> 00:09:58.320 that they knew that no dad was. That's pretty messed up, you know, 155 00:09:58.360 --> 00:10:01.480 and you was messed up. And he signed overwrites to you, and 156 00:10:01.639 --> 00:10:03.840 that will make him feel some kind of way, and you know, maybe 157 00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:07.080 one day he hopefully he does, he'll want to reconnect with you and just 158 00:10:07.080 --> 00:10:09.720 be like, you know, tell me what happened, tell me you're side 159 00:10:09.720 --> 00:10:11.960 of the story. I know, emotions get involved and things can get kind 160 00:10:11.960 --> 00:10:16.200 of heated sometimes, but he'll be older, he'll be older, you know. 161 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:20.320 I had that conversation with my dad pretty much too. It's like, 162 00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:24.080 well, what happened? Man, Like, I'm too old to be blaming 163 00:10:24.120 --> 00:10:28.519 people for stuff that happened. We can't change the past. But to kind 164 00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:31.120 of get their side of the story from it, you know, is something 165 00:10:31.159 --> 00:10:35.200 that kind of makes you think. And it'll have to be at a certain 166 00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:39.840 maturity level. And maybe he already is where he can handle that kind of 167 00:10:39.879 --> 00:10:41.799 conversation. But it took me a while, and it took me a while 168 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:46.679 to be sober to even have that conversation. Yeah, but he's still going 169 00:10:46.679 --> 00:10:50.279 through growing pains. But so I mean, like I said, I talked 170 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:56.480 to his moms maybe once a week, if not every two weeks. We 171 00:10:56.759 --> 00:11:00.600 text each other, you know, here and there and with other day. 172 00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:07.360 You know. Oh that's good. Yeah, And I'm glad that I don't 173 00:11:07.399 --> 00:11:11.000 have to be a drunk dad. Yeah, I don't have to be somebody 174 00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:16.120 who's addicted. And it all is coming at the right time in my life, 175 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:22.639 in Marnie's life. It's it's just one of those things, man, 176 00:11:22.679 --> 00:11:28.000 that God is good. Yes, it's great. Great. Some people will 177 00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:31.600 say, you know, and I would be one of those people because when 178 00:11:31.639 --> 00:11:35.159 I decided to change the way I lived and to change my life, like 179 00:11:35.200 --> 00:11:39.440 I used to be all about well I still I am a little bit about 180 00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:43.159 me. And I used to be about my career and you know, being 181 00:11:43.159 --> 00:11:45.919 in radio and wanting to do this and wanting to do that. It was 182 00:11:45.960 --> 00:11:50.240 all about what I wanted and then me going after it so hard and you 183 00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:52.799 know, trying to make more money at it and trying to do this and 184 00:11:52.840 --> 00:12:01.240 trying to do that. And it's funny because all that all that I did 185 00:12:01.320 --> 00:12:03.720 was make money, so like a drink and wash it down the drain, 186 00:12:03.799 --> 00:12:07.159 you know, it just flushed it right down the toilet. And now I 187 00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:11.320 do something that I love, which is this podcast. It really helps me 188 00:12:11.440 --> 00:12:16.279 kind of get things off my chest. I get that fun and I don't 189 00:12:16.279 --> 00:12:18.600 make a dime off of it. But the other stuff that I'm doing behind 190 00:12:18.600 --> 00:12:22.200 the scenes, you know, like helping people and you know, creating this 191 00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:31.720 two seventeen recovery I don't know what you want to call it organization, nonprofit 192 00:12:31.159 --> 00:12:35.440 recovery, community organization. I mean, we do so many different things, 193 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:39.440 you know, Creating that is really kind of made things okay in my life. 194 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:43.000 And it wasn't like that all the time. It was hard at first, 195 00:12:43.039 --> 00:12:46.600 and I mean it's still hard now, but things didn't come easy, 196 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:50.519 and I had to trust and have faith in God that it was all going 197 00:12:50.559 --> 00:12:52.480 to work out how it was supposed to. And you know, doing something 198 00:12:52.559 --> 00:12:56.000 for a couple of years without getting paid anything at all, you know, 199 00:12:56.320 --> 00:12:58.600 is tough. And to stick through it and to just be like God, 200 00:12:58.679 --> 00:13:01.960 I'm just I'm doing this because I know there's something that's coming. I remember 201 00:13:03.080 --> 00:13:07.000 those days and it's like you have to stick with it, and it was 202 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:09.279 the very end, you know, when there's times like well I got to 203 00:13:09.320 --> 00:13:11.799 not help people anymore and I have to go get a real job, and 204 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:15.960 things kind of just fell right into place like they were supposed to, like 205 00:13:15.960 --> 00:13:20.200 God wanted it, you know. And I say quite a bit that just 206 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:22.480 like we want to see something from God, he wants to see something from 207 00:13:22.559 --> 00:13:24.360 us. You know. He wants to see that we do have faith in 208 00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:26.919 them. We're not just out here talking to talk about Oh God, it's 209 00:13:26.919 --> 00:13:28.759 great. Look at all the stuff I got. And it's not even about 210 00:13:28.759 --> 00:13:33.200 what I got, you know, it's not material stuff that I talk about. 211 00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:37.039 It's it's the real relationships. It's the love. It's just being present 212 00:13:37.080 --> 00:13:41.960 in the day. You know that that is something that is just so magical, 213 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:46.879 and the fact that we can achieve things that we once thought were impossible. 214 00:13:48.440 --> 00:13:52.320 People laughed at us. Oh we've told them, Yeah, our dreams 215 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:56.519 and our ambitions. They laugh at us, and yeah, here we are. 216 00:13:56.679 --> 00:14:00.440 It's funny how people used to laugh at us, be like, you 217 00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:03.519 guys are smoking crack. Ain't no way that it's ever going to happen. 218 00:14:03.840 --> 00:14:07.679 I don't think they ever said we were smoking crack but a little cigarette speech, 219 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:13.320 yeah, but you know, but it's yeah, it was funny, 220 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:18.080 you know to watch people laugh and then turn around and actually do it years 221 00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:22.679 later, you know, because you been at this now for three years doing 222 00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:33.559 the rides, probably nineteen twenty twenty, yeah, twenty twenty, so almost 223 00:14:33.559 --> 00:14:37.559 coming up on four years. Yeah, And so like the first two years 224 00:14:37.559 --> 00:14:41.840 were just me, you know, like not making a dime. You know, 225 00:14:41.879 --> 00:14:43.399 the company was making a little bit back in gas money. But then 226 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:48.240 we'd you know, get run into treatment centers who wouldn't turn in the bill, 227 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:52.080 and then we'd be left five grand in the hole, you know, 228 00:14:52.200 --> 00:14:56.240 And so that wasn't very cool, but it is what it is. And 229 00:14:56.279 --> 00:14:58.879 it wasn't about the treatment centers. It was about helping the people get to 230 00:15:00.120 --> 00:15:01.200 they needed to go, you know. And I had to be mad enough 231 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:05.480 to realize that, Like I can be beefing with all these people who didn't 232 00:15:05.480 --> 00:15:09.080 do their paperwork and who rightfully owed us five grand because they screwed it up, 233 00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:11.879 and then they act like, oh no, it's not torpor, and 234 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:16.320 these are treatment centers that are you know, making tons of money, and 235 00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:18.879 here I am, this dude doing the stuff just because I want to help 236 00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:22.840 people and because I think God wants me to and well, it all works 237 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:26.480 out how it's supposed to. You know, I could have been mad and 238 00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:28.960 bitter. I'm not doing one more ride. I'm not doing anymore you know. 239 00:15:30.279 --> 00:15:35.279 But that's not my attitude today. Jarge things. So it's it's good 240 00:15:35.279 --> 00:15:39.960 to change, and people are afraid to change. And there's a guy that 241 00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:43.320 reached out to me the day told me I need to be his sponsor. 242 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:46.759 Really, I was like, well, I don't work the Steps of AA 243 00:15:46.840 --> 00:15:50.200 and I don't consider myself in that program, so I don't know how much 244 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:52.480 to be your sponsor. But we do do recovery coaching here, so that's 245 00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:56.879 something we can look into. But you know, you have to have the 246 00:15:56.919 --> 00:16:00.039 desire to change, and sometimes you have the desire, but somehow the will 247 00:16:00.120 --> 00:16:04.240 is still not there, right or does bit? Yeah, the desire to 248 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:11.159 still go out and drink or use is much higher, and you don't want 249 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:17.759 to change anything, and sometimes you'll be blinded by I don't even know, 250 00:16:18.440 --> 00:16:22.960 maybe the addiction to where you can't see yourself as the problem. Right, 251 00:16:23.600 --> 00:16:26.720 And when my stepdad or whoever would tell me, well, just don't drink 252 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:33.600 anymore, just have two you know, Like that doesn't register with me. 253 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:37.600 Just don't drink anymore. That's like saying don't eat anymore, don't breathe anymore. 254 00:16:37.960 --> 00:16:41.440 Yeah, you know, but until you realize like that actually is the 255 00:16:41.440 --> 00:16:44.519 solution. But there's a lot of stuff I need to do in between all 256 00:16:44.559 --> 00:16:47.559 that. You know, obviously I don't drink anymore, you know, So 257 00:16:47.759 --> 00:16:49.919 there was some truth in that just don't drink anymore, okay, But there 258 00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:53.080 was the stuff I had to go through personally, and a lot of failures, 259 00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:57.080 a lot of trial and error and trying to figure out how I could 260 00:16:57.080 --> 00:17:00.440 still do it. Maybe just something we and maybe just here, maybe just 261 00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:07.119 there. But when you look in the mirror and you realize, like nothing 262 00:17:07.200 --> 00:17:11.960 good comes from this, Like when you make a list of ten great things 263 00:17:11.000 --> 00:17:15.440 that happen in your life because of alcohol, because you're a drug, you 264 00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:18.440 can't get to ten. No. Now, if you want to make a 265 00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:22.839 list all the stupid stuff, all the things that you regret embarrassed about that 266 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:26.279 list, you'll be going forever. Two days you're still writing, I'll be 267 00:17:26.279 --> 00:17:29.359 like, all right, stop, it'll be a long ass list, you 268 00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:33.240 know, And just that simple math that simple look at it on a piece 269 00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:41.319 of paper. It should tell some people like why am I fighting this hard? 270 00:17:41.799 --> 00:17:45.920 Why am I going against the grain when I know I've seen people in 271 00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:51.480 recovery who have stopped and their lives have gotten better, not overnight. You 272 00:17:51.519 --> 00:17:55.279 know, it takes time to change, and it takes time to build those 273 00:17:55.319 --> 00:17:57.279 new relationships and to go after what you want to go after in life. 274 00:17:57.279 --> 00:18:00.640 But anybody can do that. And they told me never say that, Never 275 00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:07.079 say that anybody can do this because some people can't. Well no, it's 276 00:18:07.720 --> 00:18:11.119 now that they can't do it. They don't want to do it. Yeah, 277 00:18:11.240 --> 00:18:15.559 it's a want thing, like you have to want recovery to achieve recovery 278 00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:19.559 and sobriety. Yeah, everyone could do it, but how many of them 279 00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:26.599 actually want it? The ones that actually want it keep it and cherish it 280 00:18:26.720 --> 00:18:32.000 and value their new life. But I used to think too early on, 281 00:18:32.119 --> 00:18:33.319 like, well I'm sober, I've been sober for three months. How come 282 00:18:33.359 --> 00:18:37.039 good things aren't happening? How Come I don't have a job where I'm making 283 00:18:37.839 --> 00:18:41.039 you know, tons of money, and I want a house again, I 284 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:44.599 want to how come I don't have that yet? But see, I didn't 285 00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:47.039 didn't know that. Well I didn't know that, but I didn't want that. 286 00:18:47.079 --> 00:18:51.240 I wanted it now like nothing's getting betteration and I'm still I was still 287 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:52.279 living at my mom's house. I'm like, come on, man, like 288 00:18:52.359 --> 00:18:56.200 I need to get out of here. I need to need to do things, 289 00:18:56.359 --> 00:19:00.720 and I need to do what I want to do. The whole gratification 290 00:19:00.799 --> 00:19:04.920 is still an addictive personality trait. Yeah it is, It really is, 291 00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:10.839 and it's hard to get over it. Like I want a new vehicle, 292 00:19:11.000 --> 00:19:15.799 like, yeah, I really do want a new vehicle for the price I 293 00:19:15.839 --> 00:19:18.480 pay for mine. Yeah, I mean I could afford probably two new vehicles. 294 00:19:19.079 --> 00:19:22.640 M h like. But at the end of the day, you know, 295 00:19:22.839 --> 00:19:26.119 I got stuck in a contract and I need to honor it because there 296 00:19:26.119 --> 00:19:30.039 ain't no way I can get a buyout from that. Yeah, and you 297 00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:33.599 know, it's just it is what it is. So I got two more 298 00:19:33.680 --> 00:19:40.839 years counting down the payments credit Carder told me I got twenty one on time 299 00:19:40.920 --> 00:19:45.200 payments. Well, I need to get forty nine, almost halfway there. 300 00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:56.559 Yeah, good luck with that. Parker will be like four Yeah, he 301 00:19:56.599 --> 00:19:59.559 won't be it. But yeah, so that's what we kind of want to 302 00:19:59.559 --> 00:20:00.839 do the podcast us down real quick, and then we kind of get off 303 00:20:00.839 --> 00:20:03.559 into recovery talk, which is which is good for change. Usually it's a 304 00:20:03.559 --> 00:20:07.960 lit way around. Yeah. Usually weve go off on some tangent and then 305 00:20:07.000 --> 00:20:11.920 it'll just be wait, wet you talk anything, right, But at least 306 00:20:11.920 --> 00:20:12.920 we got that all the way first. Yeah, and I know you got 307 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:17.799 a meeting the host and I have to go home and get ready for hospital 308 00:20:17.839 --> 00:20:22.880 in the morning, so I really want to see pictures of you shedding little 309 00:20:22.880 --> 00:20:26.839 happy tears tomorrow. Tears of joy, Yeah, tears of joy. Yeah, 310 00:20:26.920 --> 00:20:30.480 It's it's going to happen, and I'm cool with it, Like I'm 311 00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:36.079 going to cry my eyes out, like just with with happy tears and just 312 00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:40.160 this to be alive for this moment that I thought it was impossible. It's 313 00:20:40.200 --> 00:20:44.079 kind of like my wedding, which if you want to see the wedding two 314 00:20:44.119 --> 00:20:48.000 seventeen recovery dot Com slash wedding, it's a hidden page in our sight. 315 00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:52.839 Oh yeah, and you know I cried during that, you know, because 316 00:20:52.839 --> 00:20:56.039 it was again one of those moments I thought I'd never see. I thought 317 00:20:56.039 --> 00:21:00.079 I would die alone and from drinking myself to death. M hmm. And 318 00:21:00.160 --> 00:21:03.680 many times I wish for that, but to think that how dumb that was, 319 00:21:03.799 --> 00:21:08.400 and to still be on the end of it when not a lot of 320 00:21:08.400 --> 00:21:11.799 people well, I mean a lot of people do get to but a lot 321 00:21:11.799 --> 00:21:15.279 of people do die on the way before they can reach this point. So 322 00:21:17.400 --> 00:21:22.279 I feel blessed. And it's it's all God doing everything, man, And 323 00:21:22.559 --> 00:21:26.960 I give all the credit to God. So this office isn't get awful lonely 324 00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:32.680 over the next couple of months. He has to be pooping everywhere. No, 325 00:21:32.680 --> 00:21:36.279 nobody's gonna shit shame you here at the office. I'll still go next 326 00:21:36.279 --> 00:21:38.759 door. You know, you'd be shit shame with other people. Oh for 327 00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:41.440 sure, nobody's gonna be in here using the toilet. And the problem with 328 00:21:41.480 --> 00:21:45.200 this office there's I mean, it's a great office, yea. Like the 329 00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:48.000 bathroom is right up front, man, it's straight in the middle of the 330 00:21:48.079 --> 00:21:51.480 office. And then we found out once we put this scent thing in here 331 00:21:51.559 --> 00:21:55.839 that blows through the vents, which it smells good, but it goes from 332 00:21:56.119 --> 00:22:00.759 there somehow picks up the every cent in the bathroom and brings it right into 333 00:22:00.759 --> 00:22:03.720 my office. I think it's because the doors are real close together, so 334 00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:07.599 when it starts sucking in air, like it draws the air from that room, 335 00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:11.519 and the doors almost like connect like there's only like it's horrible, like 336 00:22:11.559 --> 00:22:15.920 they butt right up against each other, and so it just sucks the air 337 00:22:15.119 --> 00:22:19.720 like it all through. I'm not asking for too much here, but just 338 00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:23.680 a new office. And I love Jill. We love this office. We'll 339 00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:30.279 just have a different office. But I can go to want Lord GE's name. 340 00:22:30.319 --> 00:22:33.000 Amen, all right, we'll be done. Yes, I have to 341 00:22:33.039 --> 00:22:36.960 have a baby tomorrow. In the next podcast that I'll ever do in my 342 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:41.000 life, I will probably be talking about my son and how I'm posting pictures 343 00:22:41.000 --> 00:22:44.359 soon. It's all. It'll be good. We's just luck. We'll talk 344 00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:48.640 to you again at the time of my chooser later. Thanks for listening to 345 00:22:48.759 --> 00:22:53.240 the two seventeen Recovery podcast. We hope you come back for our next episode.