Welcome to soft Core History. Hello, and welcome back to Softcore History.
My name is Jake Goldman and I'm joined by my two co hosts, stan
Redchester and Rob Fox. For those of you that have never listened to the
show before, we are a soft core history podcast. We don't go too
deep into anything, but we try to make you laugh. We try to
find obscure stuff. We try to find weird stuff. So get into that.
And if we're wrong, we don't care. We don't. We truly
don't don't. Words of Stephen A. Smith. We don't care. We
don't care. It's not that's not why we're here. We're here. Don't
hang on, don't hang on to anything we say. Do not argue.
It's right, if it's right, if it's correct, then do that.
I'm gonna take everything they just said back. If you are in a position
to argue with your professor or boss, use our information. Definitely use it
in arguments. You should cite us in your papers, because that's a good
workaround from side Wikipedia. Yeah, that's right. We're the buffer in between.
We're that middleman baby. Yeah, yeah, I get used to it.
But yeah, also, just some good housekeeping as well. We have
a Patreon and here's the deal. We need your money more than ever.
Give us your money. Unemployed, I'm unemployed. Well, this is why
it's so desperate. Unemployment. Off the bat, the unemployment office does not
pay me for the weeks we get paid, which is hilarious. We can't
port it, you idiots. That's frauds commit tax fraud. No, I
the one place I don't want to commit fraud is probably Texas on unemployment and
welfare services. I keep telling you all the time, be gay and commit
crime, and you won't do either of those things. Do you know how
much our show would grow if you were just gay? I never thought about
it though, way and just a gay bro. I'll have to talk to
my wife about this. Maybe lean into it, dude, honey, if
you're listening, at least you'll be physically fit. I don't think becoming gay
just magically makes you. No, it's like trt Yeah, all of a
sudden, I just drop like thirty pounds. I mean, once you inject
testosterone into your body, naturally, you're saying I need a microtive some test
I think, yeah, okay, I thought I thought of a funny joke
to you somewhere. Well maybe it's not funny, but I don't know where
to use it yet, and like writing, and it's just like a huge
gay orgy and they're like trying to like get someone out of there for some
reason, like they have an emergency or something like you can't, you can't,
you can't take him out. He's a load bearing twink wow man,
and he's just getting pumped full of loads. I think the gay movement has
progressed as rapidly as it has because they're hot. Yes, they're hot dudes.
Yeah, I mean put them at the front. It looks like fucking
he man. Lesbians not so much, because they never put their best and
brightest up front. I don't think that's true. A lot of times they
don't a lot of times. It's uh, who's the front of either of
those movements when it comes to like lesbian movements, both of them. I
want to hear who's like the person you first think of for each of those
movements. You're really just saying, who's the most famous gay guy you can
think of? Right you? Jackman? Neil Patrick Harris. Jackman's gay And
it's like out out Neil Patrick Harris. Yeah, there's just any any gim
bro really, just any guy in a crop top tank top. Yeah,
okay, but you're right, they're hot, Like you're not really part of
you is never going to say no to he man, m m, you
know what I mean. The master of the universe. Yeah, and the
master of your butt anyway. Yeah, we do have a Patreon though,
do they get it? Man, it's patreon dot com. Slas Softcore History,
a bunch of additional episodes. We're a bunch of fun new stuff coming
this year, and I know we're like, oh quote two it starts in
February, basically is kind of this and the content is still there. There's
two years of evergreen content, huge catalog, so you just need more time
to kill. I encourage ever, you to tell any friend you have that
is driving a long distance in the near future. Yeah. Please. Actually,
Like, if someone's like, dude, I dad died and I can't
afford a plane ticket. I got a drive back home, you gotta be
like, oh dude, you don't cheer you up real quick. Not to
plug this, but like, I know it's a long drive because we live
in Miami and you're from Phoenix. Softcore History it's a strange drive. It
I is not a straight track from Miami to Phoenix. Well, I mean
you gotta once you get to Jacksonville. Yeah, but that the the up,
all right, So ninety five to ten. Sorry, you have two
roads, bro, it's two turns, yes, but that's that's just as
miserable. I would say that ninety five part. I used to do a
straight shot from Orlando to Philly. It was all ninety five. And you
know what, guys, this is the kind of content you won't hear on
the Patreon. You won't hear a traffic talk, So check it out.
Maybe I always save that for the main just to kind of extend the time.
Yeah, that's like, get you in. That's that man. What
was the book? Oh, fifty Shades of Gray got like dinged for that.
People were all annoyed at that because they talked about like unnecessary traffic roots
in the book, like they're important to you would go for already, just
like weird you know bdsm Sex to like I took I don't know what the
highways are up there. I took the ten to the fifteen because it was
one way, so like you can't go that way. Yeah, it was
ludicrous. Yeah. Also, the thing about fifty Shades too was the idea
that a young professional didn't know how to use it computer. Well, I
think that makes sense to it. Wasn't that chick like Mormon or something?
No, Stephanie Meyers Mormon. I don't know if this And then this chick
was doing Twilight fan fiction. Yeah, it's Twilight fan fiction. And but
the character doesn't know how to use a computer. Well, she's just a
sweet innocent girl. It's it's the ultimate just put yourself in the shoes.
Anyway, we're not. The whole point is she doesn't really she hasn't experienced
the world. This man is opening it up everything. Actually, what I
was going to talk about today, we're going to talk about fifty Shades of
Gray, what we each think of it. I've only seen like ten minutes.
I've never seen either read for you to fifty Shades. A great actor
on this very show. Yeah, dude, I wasn't here. Max Martini.
Yeah, we talked about it how he was in fifty Shades. He
plays like the dude's security advisor. Really, yeah, I must have not
been. So we interviewed Max go Back and I must have not been present
in that moment. Just half of that episode was me fan girling because he
was saving Private Ryan and just asking him questions that even he didn't know the
answer. He ship, you really just need to talk to Tom Hanks.
Max Martini was like, oh, yeah, yeah, if I wasn't in
it, I don't know. Respect by the way, that if he wasn't
directly in the scene, he had no idea. I mean, what,
it's a job, dude, He's not. Like. I wonder how many
actors just don't even watch the movies there in the right I think a lot.
I think even the good one, because he was talking about fifty Shades
is just a fucking job to like, you know, dog on Max.
He's a good actor, but like like a Celia Murphy, I don't think
he watched his movies. He didn't watch We don't think so he thinks he
saw been on record saying he doesn't. Oh oh sweet, good for him.
I like that. It would take me out of it if I saw
me in it, be like, I don't know my stupid voice like twelve
times a week, that's true. I'm on this show, I have to
edit it, and then I'm also on a new UFC show called Full Casual
Georgia. If you, uh, if you had to listen to that as
well. Download subscribe available where podcasting review whoa also on YouTube. No for
your ads, dude, it's my adre you paying? Nope? What the
fuck? Anyway? All right, well I'm gonna plug some stuff in.
Check you out at Jake W. Coleman. No, get to your show?
Okay, fine? Yeah, So, uh next week, big big
holiday in Florida. Do you guys know what it is? You know what
it is? I already told you so you should remember. Yeah, Pirate
Marty Gross, Pirate mart It's Gasparill Week. It's my favorite, I think
college event that we did. Yeah, it's fun. It was, so
you would, but he was familiar every college kid in the state of Florida
on this one particular, their weekend travel to Tampa dressed as pirates with uh,
I believe we all would get grain alcohol. Yeah, kids, I
guess call it what do they call it now? Borgs? Yes? Would
you know what that stands for? Big old rage gallon, blackout rage gallons,
blackoutrage gown. So back in the day, we just called it riot
punch because we watched that episode of All the Sunny Wait where they won the
World Series. The Phillies won the World Series and they were drinking the Riot
juice. So we would just fill a gallon jug full of grain alcohol and
some gatorade or maybe some sugary substance, some kool Aid mix and then get
blackout drunk during a day pirate Mardi Gras. Yeah, it's pretty fun.
And I would most little kids for beads, that's pretty cool, and then
give what little kids for beads. I would like Randy Mawson catch the beads
over them and then give them. Women. Would you see their titties sometimes?
Yeah, that happens. It's very much so. I was riding the
same rules as Marty Groom. I mean it's I think it's a little less
uh dirty. To be honest with you, Marti graus is filth. Have
you been to Marti grass I've never been a Marti graus Is discussed Gasparilla.
If you're on the public side, not the private side, Jake, you're
probably a private boy. I wasn't on private side. The public side is
equally as gross as Marty. It can't be. Yeah, to be honest,
there's people just fucking on the sidewalk. To be completely I don't remember
because I was so drunk. We're in a porta potty. Yeah, I
kind of don't remember Gasparolla that much. I remember the tail end when I
blacked back in and like I was like, oh, it's nighttime. Now,
this is weird. We would routinely lose somebody every year, Yeah,
well we would. We would with the fraternity go to Mons too for that
weekend. Us. Yeah, it is the strip club capital of the world.
It's Tampa. If you if it's a Mon's venus, like the size
of the mall, Mon's Venus is tiny, dude, Oh what isn't that
there was a huge No, it's just notoriously like gigantic. I guess stature.
It's like for it's a quality of woman. They don't have private rooms
there either, actually, so they're very like everything's out in the open.
Weirdest stories I've ever I've never actually done Monster. It's a big brother,
little brother kind of thing. And we had our pledge educator had to be
like, had to get on stage basically during it is like a whole thing.
Yeah, but uh, yeah, I'm not sure if we've ever,
I don't think we've ever covered this holiday before, but I know, uh,
I mean usually the holidays we've covered, like Saturn Awa. Yeah,
I wrote an entire romantic letter to Gasbrella at CFM, did you like,
I love you all my thoughts on Gasbrella. So I never have to participate
in this episode again. Yeah, you just google that. Actually, you
should just have AI read your article and like in intermittent spots, you just
click it. You just put that in. You really highlight the thing you
want to say and just have it speak and spell it. Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, So it's kind of like it's it's definitely smaller in scale than
Marty g Marty gross about a million people a year, but not one day.
It's not one day, but it's still it's over the course of like
well, so like the Marty Grass celebration is there's Tuesday, and then there's
the weekend before that. The weekend before that too, to the Tuesday is
huge too because there's a city holiday and all that ship, but the weekend
before is kind of where people really fucking is also broken in the two parades.
So there's day parade which we all go to, and then there's a
night parade on another weekend inny wore City, which I never got the pleasure
to go to, but he heard his freakierbre City is just freakier than Tampa.
Well, I mean, you know, there's a freakier event in New
Orleans, Dan Marty Gras, which one's the Southern Decades? What is that?
Gay Marty Gras? Have you been there? Yeah? What were you
doing in South for gay party? Was there? It's on Labor Day weekend.
We were just there. We're there, like I looked around, like
we just walk around like a lot of gay dudes. I was like,
are we in the gay party? Because there is like a gay strip of
yeah, Bourbon Street, And I was like, are we in the gay
part? What's going on? And then all of a sudden, I was
like I just kind of like, uh, it was like Homer in the
being barred. Like I just like realized, like, oh, I think
there's something going on. And then I asked somebody and they're like, yeah,
Southern decadence. I mean, dude, it was. That was maybe
the most fun weekend I've had in New Orleans other than my wedding. Sure.
I mean it's kind of like I imagine it's a lot like when you
show up on Gay Day at a Disney World, they're like, oh,
it's that day, huh, Like like what whoa, what's going on?
Yeah? But yeah, no, so this, you know, Mark Grass
like a million people over the course of the weekend, but Gasparilla is three
hundred thousand people show up for the event, NOLU. So it's it's a
big deal. It's a big tourist attraction. And there's like a normal parade
on the streets. There's a boat parade. Yeah, uh, there's I
was just about to say there's actually a full scale pirate ship parade in Tampa
that self, so they like simulate a pirate invasion. They had a Bowl
game for a bit. They did have the guest for all the bowl that's
shut up, Dan, I don't want to talk about that Bowl game.
Well what we'll have in the last time you guys playing the gasp. I
don't want to talk about it. U cfpt us. Yeah. If you've
ever wondered why, like the Tampa Bay NFL team is called the Buccaneers,
this is pretty much the reason this holiday. Yeah, so much like in
New Orleans, Marty Grass put together by local teams of organizers called cruise.
This is also put together by a single crew, more specifically Ye Misstic Crew
of Gasparilla or YKMG. We're gonna talk a little bit about them today.
But yeah, man, I mean this it's kind of interesting where it gets
its background. So currently, the YMTJ Invasion and Parade of Pirates, that's
the official name of the gust Rail Parade, ranks as the third largest parade
in the United States. And they also do a children's parade now too,
Dan, did you know this? Well, yeah, they get away.
There are kids at Marti Gras and as in the French Quarter, and you
are fucking You're a fucking lunatic. You're abusing your Kidsick. Yeah, it's
not good. No, kid's gotta grow, man, Yeah, how small?
What's the smallest child you've seen it during Marty Gras well? Baby,
baby's babies kind of okay? Yeah yeah, but I did see like eight
year old weird. I think anything like baby fine? Not well, first
off, anything younger than ten is like what the fuck? Anything younger than
thirteen thirteen? Honest, I mean by that point, you know you're on
the Internet show cast pros during the day. It is a family event if
you do it right. So the children's event they made it. I think
it's the weekend before the weekend after they do a completely separate kids thing now
just because they're like, we should just keep the kids and then when you
pay and go to the side. That's a little bit more laid back,
chill. I could see families doing that, but yeah, avoid just the
college anarchy. Yeah. Absolutely. The children's parade is actually the largest in
the United States for like children's it's the largest children's activity in the US.
Sweet sure, I mean it's a fun thing to do as a kid dressed
like a pirate. Are you sure it's the largest children's activity. I think
so, Like it's the large children's parade, A parade for children. I
don't know how you designate that. I don't know what the next or just
is it bigger than an Iowa game? Oh? Are they all wave at
the kid? They all wave at the cancer many kids there? Not long
a lot of Iowa fans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just
waving at like eight kids. How many kids in Central Iowa have cancer?
Really? Well, a lot of kids have cancer. I think, yeah,
they probably go there. Well, it is it a whole pediatric hospital.
Are they just waving to the pediactor wing? I don't know. You'd
have to ask in Iowa of him. Yeah, and I don't care to
no, nor would I want to talk about that. But here's the deal.
So this thing has Do you think Johnson visits Iowa. He's probably got
the Grim Reaper, He's probably got a townhouse the Angel of Death in live
Mooyne? Right, isn't it you North? You Iowan to Moyne. No,
it's in Iowa City, Okay, whatever, I got to a townhouse
there, I was. I did not know where Iowa was. I don't
I would. I wouldn't assume it was in Iowa City. I would assume
it was in Was it like Cedar Falls or not? Cedar Falls? Uh?
Not college town? What's the one des moin? Yeah? Yeah capital.
Isn't there like a Grand Rapids Iowa or some shit like? Yeah,
it's lonch of cities and I no one cares. We've done an episode on
Iowa. It wasn an axe murderer, but it's probably the most interesting thing
we live in at that axe murder place. Yeah, we could stay the
night there. Oh, let's do that. Anyway, how did this whole
thing start? Though? Where did this pirate weird like pirate hooker parade come
from? I am curious when it started, because Marty Grass goes back a
long, long way. Uh yeah, this does not. This feels like
something new slash. It does not go long, long way back. It's
pretty much like the turn of the twentieth century. So the theme of Gasprilla
was inspired by the legend of the pirate Jose Gaspar, who operated off the
west coast of Spanish Florida from the seventeen eighties through the eighteen twenties. Different
versions of his story say that he was either a Spanish nobleman and advisor to
King Charles the Third of Spain, who was exiled after a romantic scandal in
court. Some say he was a traitorous admiral of the Spanish Royal Navy who
stole a ship and fled when his treachery was revealed. Or he was just
an ambitious young officer in the Spanish navy he was driven to mutiny by a
tyrannically cruel captain. So there are three different theories on how Jose Gaspar became
this like rebel like pirate If we really wanted to, we could do like
an entire year of content on pirates. There's just so much. There's a
lot of pirate stuff. Yeah. I just found out about some pirate raid
in the sixteen hundreds in Ireland and Irish by like Muslim pirates in a place
called Baltimore, Ireland. Why aren't you doing an episode on that? I
might eventually, but I couldn't find enough information about it. Oh, kind
of just sad. It was just like they took a bunch of Irish people
and made them slaves. Got fund when the Muslims do it, but rad
when Vikings do it. Yeah, that's a good question. That's fucking different.
It's the swords. Do you prefer an acts? He's not a big
skim tar guy. I like a battle axe or like a something to bludgeon
someone with more of like a bat guy. Like a club, like a
nice club, just like variety like options. Yeah, well, you know,
whatever his origin story is, The legends agreed that gaspar fled to the
virtually at this time uninhabited southwestern coast of Spanish Florida. By the way,
it makes sense that you know you'd want to peace out because your captain's a
dick, because colonial Spaniard military people assholes. Really, Oh well, we
did the fucking thing. We just did an episode without the Patreoon, maybe
about fucking Indian Wolverine, the guy who those people were just cutting off hands
and feet and fucking everything. The Spaniards, they were every insane way of
doing it. But people also were kind of sailing under the Spanish flag that
weren't Spanish. But these people were like Columbus, Yeah, Columbus was Italian.
Yeah, he Vilians didn't want to foot the bill. You know,
Room's it's been a while since Rome. Same with Magellan. Magellan was Portuguese
and he sailed under uh in Portugal and put him out. No, I
guess uh, he just kind of he's kind of a social outcast in Portugal.
Yes, you were saying that they don't like him there he's from Yeah,
I mean they have statues and everything of his in his hometown because we
went past it, but they're like, yeah, he kind of lost all
credibility when he went to Spain. Look, man, if Portugal is not
going to bankroll it, what do you want the man to do? He's
got a fucking dream wait, wait for Portugal. Yeah, I mean,
if he's flying under the Portuguese flag, he maybe doesn't die in the Philippines.
I mean, yeah, true, maybe he gets away. The boat's
faster. Possibly they had better boats, the Portuguese. Yeah, Portuguese for
some reason just had dominated the season for two hundred and fifty years. I
mean they did a good job, they were good. But yeah. So
he eventually he's sailing around in the southwestern coast of off the southwestern coast of
Spanish Florida at the time, in the seventeen eighties, and he lands on
Gasparilla Island in Charlotte Harbor, which is just south of Tampa Bay, to
establish his pirate kingdom. You say, seventeen eighties. Yeah, okay,
seventeen eighties. So this is the middle of the Revolutionary War. I guess,
yeah, yeah, we'll be yeah, we'll near the end. But
yeah, yeah, so, I mean, and this guy is supposed to
be terrible. There's all this legends of it. He's just like raiding and
there's not a lot to raid though, either like Florida is very un it
pop up at Georgia and the Carolinas, yeah, or go to yeah,
like definitely hit like Cuba and yeah, stuff like Havana. Yeah, but
yeah. Gaspar is said to have taken many ships and held many female hostages
for ransom while praying on ships in the Gulf of Mexico from Louisiana to the
Spanish main aboard his flagship, the Flora Blanca. I gotta say low key
though, as a white man, a dope time to kind of be born
in if he wanted to like pick pick and choose anytime. Uh, well,
yeah, anytime. But you know, late seventeen hundreds in the Caribbean,
why kind of wild West vibes. You kind of go down there and
do whatever you want. Oh, totally. I mean you're you have carte
blanche to be an evil person if you would like. Yeah, you're you're
setting stuff up for empire. You're setting up like fruit plantations, sugar cane.
You just live in your life. Yeah, I mean, I you
heard it here first, folks, Dan thinks it would be dope to own
slaves. I didn't say that, you said it. You're reasoning for why
I said it would be dope to be a pirate. So pirates don't have
slaves, Well, they're crewman. Oh, you just want to be like
a crewman. Yeah, you want to be an unpaid crewman on the bat
well. Everyone's a hand, right, everyone, everyone's a hand this boat.
Yeah. Rob likes to say, well, Rob does a friend of
mine. You're almost friend of your acquaintance. Yeah, an unhoused friend.
If you're on a boat or a submarine, long enough, you're a hand.
That's right. Every long enough, I think within the first day,
and based on what we knew about another episode I did with the tiny chesture
gentleman. If if all you're a hand, if all you are is a
hand, you've made out real. He wasn't a hand, he was a
hole. Yeah. Yeah, much rather be a hand than the tiny But
listen, if you're gonna grow, he grows. He grew like a foot,
right, he grew like sad He became a normal sized boy. He
went from small, small person to normal you're telling me, all right,
I have to go through six months of that and I get to be six
four for he did it for years. Yeah, it was right, So
I'm saying six months, I'll grow four inches okay, Yeah, I mean
that stuff makes you grow up pretty fast, and it's good for your for
the podcast, Like we talked about being a gay bro. Your test would
be way higher. My test is up. I'm naturally jacked. Come back,
and then I'm six four. Who's the bad guy from The Hulk?
The bad guy in the first Abomination? Yeah, you're just a bomination.
Like it doesn't look good, but you are, Like, is that like
a classic Hulk? I just realized I know nothing about the Hulk at all.
I just it's from the Edward Norton movie. Okay, I just know
his name is Pruce Spanner. It's literally a good job, Jake. Yeah,
we get it. You don't watch superhero movies. You're too cool.
Well no, I know, like I fucking know, Like, yeah,
Shark, we get it. But like it had its day. Yeah,
I still give him any credit. Him and his wife just get high and
play Harry Potter every night on the switch. Don't play Harry Potter every night.
I played Fortnite. That's a lot of Fortnite, even where that is.
I love Fortnite? Are you twelve? I get woof. It's by
twelve year olds at Fortnite. It is amazing. No, I'm pretty good.
I'm actually in the top one percent kill death ratio in the world.
Are you ranked, bro, I am ranked. I was ranked at one
point in NCAA football on PlayStation two. Our friend is ranked Madden Player he
is, he's ranked highly. I am not highly ranked. Fortnit back is
I was like top five thousand in the world on PS two. That's pretty
sick. Oh, I can't wait for NCI to come back, and I'm
gonna go run. I'm just not going to leave my house. No,
I'm gonna start a fucking with Arkansas State. Yeah, dude, that's how
you do it. We're building our way up to the SEC. Yeah,
you get them in there. No, I love just like I think the
team i'd always pick is like Bowling Green. Oh you take a dog shit
team. Yeah, you have to, and then you make the recruits from
the local area and like you can't leave. Yeah you gotta stay here,
stay home, build a dynasty with me. But also you plug in a
punter. That's ship at punting. I didn't even do that. You didn't
even do that. That's always fun though, But like he has a rocket
arm, yeah, and he's got like throw power. But they're recruiting as
a punter. Yeah, that's that's a nice little cheat code. Yeah,
they never thought about. Dude. If they have like nil and conference realignment,
they should and both you can move a team to London and Madden and
ship. Actually they do. They already have conference realignment in the old NA.
All I hope is they don't try to make it too realistic like they
have Madden what like like the movements, I don't need to Like I want
to be able to throw off my back foot across field, across my body.
Yeah, and not have to throw in the dirt right exactly. Well,
anyway, this guy ship was named the Flora Blanca. His exploits came
to a sudden end in eighteen twenty one, when, to avoid being captured
by the US Navy, the pirate hunting schooner of the US Enterprise was after
him. He ended up like getting out onto his boat. He wrapped himself
in anchor chains and threw himself overboard while shouting gasp, Perilla dies by his
own hand, not the enemies, which is what the dumbest way out I've
ever heard. That's the stupidest thing I've every Also, it's not like the
Americans, We're gonna torture room or like do what a Spaniard would do to
him, like I just hang him, Yeah, yeah, that's it.
Or just go down. I mean look, I mean it's it's the pirate
equipment. God bless our boys in blue. But go down killing a few.
Yeah, you know what I mean inside by pirate hunter. Yeah.
Also, I think this is the pirate equivalent of you can't fire me,
I quit. That's literally what's happening. Yeah, which is just the weakest
move. But no, I think that's when you get tied to an anchor
and then they just drag you across all the boat. What was that thing
again? You did that episode right, the torture attach you to a rope
and they just yeah, I forget what it's called, but we did watch
that scene from Black Sails or whatever. Yeah, and like it just cuts
you up the barnacles or whatever. Yeah, and then you you bleed and
drown. You drown and well the salt water is just pouring into your open
wounds. Uh. Here's the kicker about all this. Despite this colorful history,
there is no evidence that a ship named gaspar or Gasprilla even existed.
Boo. It's kind of like the lore of every pirate. Black Beard's not
a real person, right, No, he is. Black Beard's very much
a real person, but he's kind of based on like multiple people. I
thought, I'm sure the legend has grown to absurd heights, but he's real.
Sure, But the I guess the stories they tell of all these pirates,
they're usually mashed up. Oh yeah, multiple, that's very common,
especially as the stories get bigger a lot. Jesus was twenty guys, Shakespeare's
a thousand. Shakespeare was just buzzy. It's just Gilgamesh coming back. Yeah,
yeah, it's like reboot it. Let's run it back one more time,
horsecarnated. Maybe let's read let's do him. What if you were just
a savior that was reincarnated every couple generations, that'd be almost taxing. Do
you get executed every time? Yeah? Yeah, well nowadays, you know,
just get a little lethal injection, although I guess I've heard that might
be terrible. Well, if they don't have the proper drugs, that can
be really bad. Yeah. Yeah, they've been doing their own chemistry kits
in the prisons because they don't want to pay top dollar for the killing you
drugs? Why would you know, how would you like to go out I
guess if you were on death row, what is your request? I might
go firing squad honestly, like, that's that's got to be the good shot.
That's got to be the fastest way to go. It's actually we're training
the police force today. Do you even that you have to be awake for
your death? Like, can't they just want don't just put you under?
Well, that's what lethal injection is supposed to do, put you under and
then kill you. Yeahah, it puts It knocks you out first, then
you die. But with the new drugs or the fucking I don't like that.
I want these people to kind of suffer. The whole point is to
no cruel and unusual punishment. Yeah, but if they're pieces of shit that
murdered, I'd rather than kind of suffer just a little. Well, you're
in luck because a lot of these fucking shoot them up drugs now are boiling
their insights. Yeah yeah, the first electric chair death but with chemicals.
Yeah, just imagine, like, hey, what would it feel like I
put acid in my body? That's what they're getting. It's just like burning
the whole way through. But uh yeah, So archives in Spain make no
mention of Gaspar as a member of the Spanish court or an officer in the
Spanish Navy. The US Navy has no documentation indicating that any of its vessels
ever encountered a pirate named Gaspar or a ship named the Flora Blanca, and
neither Gaspar or any one claiming to be a member of his crew are mentioned
in the records of hundreds of piracy trials from the era, which was well
after the Golden Nage of piracy. So like, even after the gold Nagi
of piracy, they started taking a lot more records because the gold Nage of
piracy was pre United States. Yeah, it was like the early eighteenth century.
Yeah, so like people were logging this ship though too. Also,
despite the fact that the supposed location of Gaspar's regal base at Gasparal Island had
been developed into a resort town of Boca Grande, no artifacts or other physical
evidence of the hideout of the ship or his lost treasure has ever been found
in southwest Florida, despite years of searching by amateur and professional treasure seekers.
So why didn't they look in Boca Boca Grande, No Boca Ratone. What
it's in the name, It's Boca Grande Boca. It's it's there, it's
a it's a Boca. Check all bocas. Okay, check, it's not
fucking complicated, Jake, Why are you so aghast when I say check Boca?
It seems dumb because that it's not on the top, but it's on
the other side of Florida. Have you heard of people moving treasure? I
guess yeah, but I feel like they wouldn't just I guess you know what
people have done, like name switcheries like Greenland and Iceland. So yeah,
do you know what boca ratone means pretty rat? It means old person,
rat lips, rat lips. I'm pretty sure Boca's mouth rat mouth. It
means blue plate special in the Spanish early bird special, baby ratone. Spanish
meeting is mouse, so yeah, it means mousemouth, mouse mouth. Sweet.
Yeah. But anyway, so how did this all come to be?
I guess is the question, like, we know this guy isn't real.
How did this legend story? And it's it's in Florida history books up until
a certain date because they're just like, yeah, fuck it exactly, Like
I'm sure at some point in Texas history books they were like and at the
Alamo. Davy Crockett killed five bears that the Mexicans throwed in on He actually
made a hat. He made the raccoon hat on site. David Crockett was
a crisis actor. David Krockett was a crisis actor. Hell yeah, we
need to make that sure. The Alamo wasn't even a thing. It wasn't.
Just give it up. Yeah, it's it's not even the real Alamo.
We've discussed this. It's not even the real Alamo. It's not what's
the real Alamo? That's just a different one. Okay, come and take
it. Okay, apparently that was a different battle. I was making that
joke for years there, like like I was some and some text and let
me up before rightfully rightly so because I was wrong. But I was just
like, yeah, the common take is the dumbest thing. Because the Texans
were like, come and take it, and the Mexicans were like, okay,
we're going to going to and then we did, and we told we
were going to. But he's like, no, it's a different battle,
you dumb fuck. Actually like, oh all right, but again, don't
correct us. Don't Also, I kind of think you should still say it
just like keep laying in and just like it's like a troll move, you
know. But yeah, the real simple truth to all of this is tourism.
Tourism is the reason we have this right. So they just wanted a
good story to sell to get people there. Yeah. So in the early
nineteen hundred, it's the southwest coast of Florida was seeking or seeing a boom
from being a fairly unpopulated area and not much of an attraction at all to
an actual destination in the early what nineteen hundreds, you said, Oh,
like the turn of the center. Is this when is Tampa a like cattle
area? Yet it was a big old bowl town. It's why USF is
the bowl. Yeah, yeah, it is. It's cattle. Now at
this point it's ATWN it smells like fucking humid. Yeah shit, yeah,
that's why USF is the Bulls if anyone's curious, but still doesn't make sense
that they're South Florida. No, that's because I don't think West Florida.
I don't think there's any other public school that far south yet at the time
it was made. Yeah, there certainly are. Yeah, now there are,
there's plenty. But just for context of understanding how small Tampa was.
Well, Florida is like the third most populated. It's date today in the
eighteen eighties, they're bottom, their bottom of the pack, they're like the
third both populated. Is the third most populated state the past. New York,
oh wow, in the twenty twenty censes all the New york Is came
down from COVID. COVID did it the fuck accent? Was that just just
riffing having fun. I don't need you and Jake all up in my fucking
joke. But your Boka thing was just bad. I'm gonna call it.
You don't yes and stuff when you're hosting it's fine, I don't. I
need to be better about that, you know what? This new year Dan?
Oh, yes and harder and we were like twenty days in. But
well, I just say maybe next year, maybe twenty twentive. We'll try
it next year. Okay, that sounds good, That sounds right, That
sounds right. So uh yeah. Basically in the eighteen eighties, floor is
like bottom of the pack. I think they're like the thirty third or fortieth.
Nobody's fucking there. Yeah, you don't really see a population boom in
Florida really until the nineteen sixties census. And I have to think that's because
it wasn't until the late fifties that most homes at AC. Yeah, so
you see it jump into like the twenties. Finally once AC becomes more prevalent.
But uh, in eighteen eighty, Tampa's population was less than a thousand,
so it eighteen eighties even, Yeah, so it's like seven hundred people,
but in just twenty five years it jumped to north of twenty thousand.
So around the time, Robbi, you have to remember these are fucking swamps.
Yeah, it is gross. In order to get there and build the
infrastructure in Florida, it took time. Yeah sure, Like what, uh
the oldest city in America technically is Saint Augustine. Saint Augustine, but Mann
Baniards did that. We have? Georgia was our buffer. I feel we're
not a part of the US really. I feel like especially that's true on
the Gulf coast because on the Atlantic Coast it probably is probably pretty easy to
at least like take a boat down Yeah sure from Charleston or New York,
yeah, or Baltimore whatever, But like, yeah, like who's going to
the Gulf side. Oh yeah, I mean it's hard to get to for
sure. I guess you'd go round that's not too bad. But uh yeah.
So basically, yeah, at around nineteen oh five, it's about twenty
thousand people in Tampa now, and there was a feeling that the city could
continue to grow. But the question is how do you get the city to
grow? Like it's growing, it's happening, but like, how do we
ramp it up and get more money? Right, get more people to visit
it. You make a dome, Yeah, put a baseball team and that's
right. You make the Tropic canad though, and then you're like, ten
years after it's built, they're like, this is a piece of shit.
We need to rebuild something ten years after you never do. They still haven't.
They are about to rebuild the They're actually gonna do it. They're finally
doing. Tropicana is not old. It's like twenty years old. No one's
going to go five years old. Yeah, it's it's fairly new. The
Marlins have a state of the art stadium in the middle of their entire Cuban
population, and no one goes to those goddamn game with a fucking fever dream,
Rube Goldberg machine. It's on the outside now, it's not the almost
the opinion major metropolitan city shouldn't have teams. Really, people would be a
lot more grateful, Like if you just dropped it in, like that's why
you send it to be tiers. He's like Oklahoma City loves a thunder.
Oh. St. Louis, the Cardinals, absolutely, Green Bay even like
an indie Indy loves the cult. Indianapolis has a lot of teams Pacers.
They don't have a baseball team. Do that? No, m that's interesting
to me. But it's a basketball state. It is a basketball state,
that's for sure. But yeah, the whole point of tourism Miss Suicie is
to track spending from visitors, and obviously the other like two prong part of
that is you bring more residence and for tax collection too, so you can
fund more public works projects. Uh. The first verifiable written account of Jose
gaspar appears in nineteen hundred, exactly, so a fat chance on this guy
being real for sure, Like, the first verifiable thing about him is nineteen
hundred. He's mentioned as part of an advertising brochure for the Gasparilla in and
the newly established town of Boca Grande on Gasparilla Island. So you know when
you go to like an amusement park, right and it's named like Colonel Willie's
or something like that, and it has like a backstory on Colonel Willie's not
real. Yeah, No, it turns out Colonel Willie not real. But
yeah, it's like, you know, it's got a little backstory. That's
who Jose gaspar Is. Okay, he's just a fake fucking guy for a
brochure for a shitty hotel. That anchor thing sounds fake, But I was
actually thinking about this. Who tied him the anchor? I guess his guys,
Yes, boys did and he was like, throw it off though,
I'm gonna be a legend for this one. Yeah, boy was he.
But yeah. So the brochure was produced and widely distributed by the Charlotte Harbor
and Northern Railway, which built the resort at the end of its rail line,
so it's definitely a railroad play. Besides promotional material and contact information for
the end, the brochure prominently features the story of Jose Gasprilla, the last
of the Buccaneers. It said he had tear race the Gulf of Mexico for
almost forty years, and that's kind of where that story comes from. But
among its many dubious claims, the short biography said that the nickname Gasparilla means
gaspar the outlaw. But that's also very verifiably false. That's just people don't
know Spanish. Yeah, yeah, Gasparilla literally just means if you go for
like what, it just means a little guy bar, which is all it
means, is the little guy a little gas bar. Yeah, where did
Bucko Bruce come from? Bucko Bruce? What's that? It's the buccaneer's logo,
the guy. Oh, the dude, the guy. Their old logo,
creamiles, the crimsicles. I believe his name is Bucko Bruce. Oh
no, I love the creamsickles though those are terrible. Unif dude. We
peaked in the nineties, there was no reason to change anything. Oh the
night wouldn't Everything had to be modernized for two thousands for some reason. Yeah,
it was futuristic and it's just like, no, it just looks like
gas. Everything's matrix. Now everyone's wearing leather like dumb neon colors, bright
greens, you know, not fun. Nineties colors. Neon had a time
in the nineties two in the eighties. But those were fun. It was
funny, you know, it was it was a good time. I think
all that the white two K greens, he had, the creamsicles for the
bucks, he had, the Broncos old Broncos, got it d with the
horse and utiful. Yeah, the old Seahawk's uniform. Yep. Yeah,
No, they were all good. Everything just got kind of like dumb,
and now we're going back. It's all cycles. Yeah, I imagine,
for example, I mean we're this game that we have on the background,
Bill's Chiefs both classic uniforms. They haven't changed much at all, not much.
Yeah, Bill's uniform is actually pretty good looking. Bill's logo is a
little different, I believe, just a different kind of Bill. Yeah,
that's definitely, that's definitely a two thousand. I think when they were losing
all their this is like the updated OJ version, when they were losing all
their Super Bowls, they had a blue helmet. Yeah that's right. No,
I think that a white helmet too. I think they might have had
alternates. Who knows, anyway, you know, so it claimed that Gasparillo
Island was named for the pirate, when the name actually appears on Spanish and
English maps from well before the supposed arrival of this pirate, and it claimed
that the bleached bones of Gaspar's victims, along the with many old coins,
had been discovered in local Indian mounds, when no such find has ever been
documented. It'd be funny if it was like mermaids and everyone was like,
oh, it was their man bones. Also, I like to think that
Gasparla they threw him off the ship, tied to an anchor, and he
went through a man. Yeah, he thought he was gonna bounce off of
it. Yeah. They like potatoes the deal. Uh, and that's are
they all are? They like just nothing but fat. I feel like that
would just be a great source of food for early flour. Like, how
did how did Indians in Florida not hunt those fucking things to death? They're
so easy to hunt they are. I bet they did, like they should
be, like so, I mean, look like Indian tribes should have truly
wiped them out. No, they used every part of the body. And
there's a lot of fucking blubber on that body. It's hard to get through.
Uh. There is a very very funny troll uh accounts or like website
that advertises manatee steaks and like they didn't it didn't look so obviously fake for
a while, and people were getting pissed. That's really fun. They're like,
no, it's fine. They're what's the big deal. They're great sources
of food. But yeah, I've I've never seen the manit meat, but
I'm very curious what it would look like. It's all marble, it's all
fat boy. You need to wear your glasses for these? Uh No,
I'm just always I do you struggle? I do? I do concern?
Man, Are you okay? What's your vision at? Bad? It's just
bad? Do you wear contacts? No? Twenty forty. I like to
think of my eyesight as like I live in a world like Monet. You
know, I'm just like living in an impressionist world where everything's not as you
know, I don't need it. I was kind of like that until I
was sixteen and I finally got contacts. But I still don't know how I
was able to play sports not being able to see. It's crazy. Now
you just get used to it. It's crazy that you didn't get a lot
better once you were able to see that is crazy. I got better at
hitting the baseball. Yeah, it's like if it's it's got to be baseball.
At least got better. Yeah yeah basketball it was all feel so now
yeah I could hit shots either way fair enough. But yeah. So the
brochure was penned by publicist Pat le moyne, who combined and embellished regional tall
tales attributed to well known and recently deceased local fishing guy Panther John. So
the is based off of Panther John, who probably didn't do that much.
He was just a fishing guy. He got into some ship, but like
most of its way with Panther John from the same era as gas Bar.
Uh. That sounds like a guy from the John sounds like a guy now
he just died when they wrote this pressure Oh okay, Yeah, Panther John
is like a booster for Plant High School. Yeah, trying to get all
these kids out of district reorganized. But money. No, but he has
establishments around Tampa area. Yeah, oh Plant, Yeah, yeah they are
they are a little powerhouse. No, they're a power plant. They are
a power plant them in a Quinas in Lakeland. Yeah, Panther John or
whatever the fuck is name. Panther John is a guy that is your local
high school. Just car dealership. Yeah, come on out to Panther John
for October Fest. Yeah, and then all the money goes out and support
get Bazi uniforms high school. He's got every fence, every infield or outfield.
It's got a logo for him. You know, I just want to
own a business one day. We got a sponsor, we should sponsor like
a local high school and just buy a sign like yeah Bowie's uh buy my
old house has a bunch of Yeah, we can totally just do that.
It's just it just reminds me. It's like a Buddy Garretty situation. Ye's
two thousand percent by Garrity. Yeah, that's Panther John totally. Uh real
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Years later, Lemoyne gave a local history lecture in which he admitted that
he'd written the Gasparilla story to quote him in a style that taurusts like to
hear, but that it was without a true fact in it, so it
was totally bullshit. Okay, So gaspar confirmed fake as fuck. The gas
part is confirmed, fake as fuck. Okay, But how did a brochure
tall tale become fact? That's the other thing. You say it long enough.
In nineteen twenty three, author Francis Bradley obtained a copy of the gasp
In brochure and, assuming it was a fact, include a gaspar in a
book he was writing about piracy in the West Indies. Oh like a historical
history nonfiction he didn't check his shit. He just assumed it. How do
you even check it? Like you got to write a letter to Spain to
get military records? Well, people, it would take like ten years to
write that book. But still, yeah, the records were available, is
what I'm saying. Like, and there's also records from the state of Florida
that would yea, are you not committed enough to a project to spend ten
years on It's probably take a long time. Yeah, but uh yeah.
So basically this guy. Anytime you guys want to knock on us for not
being right, just know that, like we aren't altering history any stretch of
the imagination. This guy actually did. So. This era led to Jose
Gaspard being mentioned in several additional other nonfiction books about piracy and Florida history,
because at that point, you're just cribbing in other people's works. Yep,
yeah, and that's like, oh that's a real book. This was cited
and sourced and all this stuff. He probably didn't include. Oh got this
from a fucking brochurew fucking ap style source, a hotel's brochure. Can you
imagine? Yeah, like, can you imagine, just like you're reading,
like a history book and then it starts talking about steamboat Willie and like the
steam engineers, Well, we can use steamboat Willy now public domain. Yeah,
we gotta find fun ways to do that. Here, h steamboat what
are you doing? How's the rim of today? He just pops up and
like holds the subscribe sign on our YouTube. Oh my god, do him?
But yeah, we should do that. Do that. He's just like
I saw, that's not he didn't have a voice. No he didn't.
He can't that making mouth boys form. Later he whistled. Yeah. Yeah,
So essentially what happened was someone didn't do their research and we got history
telephone. It's like when dudes get trolled kind of by like fake Twitter,
right stuff, and then like maybe one day we'll have a holiday or something
based off of a troll tweet. I hope, because like right now we
kind of do. And it's Gasprilla. Yeah, like, at least for
part of the country, like a big the third largest parade is due to
someone not looking something up. That's incredible to me. But yeah, the
funny story about all of this is the first Gasparilla parade happened almost immediately after
the story was fabricated. They did it like the date. Well hell yeah,
yeah, they're just like fuck it, let's go. So the first
parade was held in May nineteen oh four after the hamp A Tribune Society editor
and Tampa's Director of Customs decided to combine elements of Marty Grass with the legend
of gas Bar and you know, hypesh it up for Tampa, like make
an event. So the first occurrence consisted of several dozens. I mean,
first off, this is in a way, in a way, this sounds
like, look, we already have another holiday that is nationwide, technically worldwide
that is just nothing but lies. Thanksgiving, No Saint Patrick's Day. Oh
yeah, Saint Patrick snakes out of Ireland and all that shit like that is
gash Marilla. What's inaccurate about that story? Uh, he didn't drive the
snakes out of Ireland. In Ireland, he ate all of them. Yeah,
but have you been in Ireland? That's what I'm saying. He ate
all the snakes in Ireland. I ain't seen a single snake when I was
there. Again, because he ate in my dreams, he ate them all.
I've never been in Ireland. Okay, you should go. But yeah,
druids. Protestants, they are snakes. They are snakes. So the
first parade, although they weren't Protestant back then, they were just fucking pagan.
Yeah, Prosumes didn't exist yet. No, no, that was when
they wanted to separate from the church. It was long after Saint Patrick.
But still fuck the Protestants. Protagans, fuck them Protestants. I like Pagans.
They're cool. Pagans are cool because like, we steal a lot of
we hijack a lot of stuff from the Yeah, they had good stuff.
They had good stuff for Steve. They good. Yeah, yeah, great,
Ip. We took what we needed, Yeah, discarded the rest right,
the actual value. But you're like you made it like wonderbread basically,
like this isn't real. Everybody loves wonder Broad. Yeah. So the first
ever Gasparilla is my favorite one because, uh, these business guys just didn't
tell anyone they were doing it. So they just dressed as pirates during the
May Day Festival and like would run up to people be like start to harass
and be like I just kidding, come in May Day Parade, Pirate,
Like God, I did a Pirates any book, We got a parade come
on, fight it out. Yeah, so they were actually riding through town
on horses trying to simulate a surprise pirate invasion. It scared some people,
which was pretty funny. But what who did it scare one of the locals.
I don't know. They weren't a little They thought that piets from a
different century just showed up. You gotta imagine like probably just some like simpleton
what you know. But the second gasprill of the following year was not a
surprise, as every automobile owner in town. So geez, so they had
Oh boy, were cars around in nineteen oh five? Yeah, okay,
I guess I don't know the history of cars. Dog, we flew in
nineteen oh three. That doesn't mean anything to me. It does, nah,
it should Well, it doesn't mean just because we flew in nineteen oh
three doesn't mean we were like doing it. I don't think we had cars
by nineteen oh five. I don't think. I didn't necessarily think that everyone
would have one, Like I thought like a rich person or two might there
was enough. There's also you gotta think too, this is probably largely uh
or there's a lot of like people who you know are in industries that might
require an automobile. That's true. Actually in Florida too, probably a lot
more driving. Yeah, it's not like things are close, you know,
like up in New England. So but yeah, everyone with a car made
a braade flow. So the Pirate theme Festival was not held again though,
until nineteen ten, when it was revived as part of a community celebration marking
the opening of the Panama Canal and a party food Canal way far away.
I think Panama Canal is like a big deal at the time, like people
like huge are conquering fucking Earth, like Brooklyn Bridge and like before that,
I think the Brooklyn Bridge was probably the biggest engineer dog. It's a big
deal now the Panama Canal. Yes, absolutely, it's important. Yeah,
it's so important for supply chain. It's yeah, incredibly, you don't have
to go around two continents, like, it's great. I'll tell you that.
Here's how important the Panama Canal is. You know that. Basically the
Hoothy Rebels are kind of fucking with the Suez Canal. Not not literally the
canal, but traffic that get goes up into the Suez Canal. Right,
if someone was doing that to the Panama Canal. There would be an invasion
by the United States, oh into that territory air strikes, it would not
be missiles. I don't know why we gave it back. Yeah right,
we should control that. It's funny that we built that. The hot thing
to do was just like conquer something, but then like, hey, we're
just actually we're actually just leasing it for a hundred years, Panama Canal,
Andy, you ass Hong Kong and Britain. It was just like the ethical
way to conquer something and the late like nineteenth century. That's why everyone says
we lose these wars because we don't. We just stopped trying to colonize it.
I guess, yeah, we don't. We don't really occupy it.
We just kind of stay there for a couple of years and then leave.
It's because we don't rightfully don't play by like Mongolian rules anymore. We could.
We could. We could have Vietnam right now if we wanted. I
mean, we could have Korea. Listen, we could have fucking Afghanistan if
they let MacArthur do it he wanted. You can have everywhere. It just
wouldn't be worth having. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the thing right,
like, you can't just don't get to the sun. We dont sets
on the American Empire. She don't want how we would take we choose when
the sun rises. Yeah, in the America, we just blocked the sun
off from the rest of the world. We make a separated like you get
sun today, but maybe not tomorrow. Japan, you get two sunrises today
Hiroshima. Anyway, in nineteen thirteen, a gasper carnival that included a pirate
parade and weekend festivals organized as an independent event, and that's where the parade
has since sprung from. So the parade is kind of like has continued going
except for I think one year COVID. No COVID, it still happened because
it was in January. It was in January. Yeah. The year after
though, because it was bucking in like twenty twenty one. It happened to
Ron DeSantis is floor. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. COVID
wasn't a thing there or here. It was after the two weeks it was
over awesome. I'm sorry I brought it up. YouTube's going dances. God
damn it. What COVI just saying the word what we've said it we said
it three times. They hate it. Just bleep it out, Yeah,
just bleep it out anyway. The first shipboard invasion came in nineteen eleven,
when a merchant vessel was borrowed, decorated, and temporarily re christened the Jose
gas bar for the day. But yeah, a series of borrowed ships were
used into the nineteen thirties, and the current ship, the Jose Gasparilla two,
debuted in nineteen fifty four and continues to be used this day. So
they're still using this old ass ship. It's actually a one hundred and thirty
seven foot long, thirty six foot five steel barge that they just dressed up
like a pirate ship. It's just like the most stock boat. Yeah,
but yeah, the current ship has crossed the Tampa Bay to lead every Gasparilla
invasion since it's launching, except in nineteen seventy one when the weather was bad.
So they've had the parade every single year. They just didn't have an
invasion one year on stone boat Swemny theres is just a party with an amphibious
landing. Yeah, it's fucking those into that. I want to go to
Gasparla scause Gasparilla by the way what Marty gra is too, I guess,
Like I mean, I walked into fucking the French quarter of the day before
Martin Graul, like the Monday or whatever, and the first thing I saw
was a sixty something year old woman. It's on my Instagram. I day,
sixty something your old woman like sucking at dildo in the middle of the
street. Jesus Christ. Really, yeah, she's incredible. She was gross,
but she's doing it well. I was just kind of in there,
She's like in her like kind of like lazy. Yeah, it was just
kind of hanging out like a cigar. That's weird. That's that's troubling to
me. Let me try and find it. It was a troubling sight.
I mean, and I swear to God that was within like thirty fucking seconds.
Judge here. Oh, I'm not judging, but I was just like,
sounds a little judgmental. Then when I saw a kid like ten minutes
later, I was like, you shouldn't be here, sir. No,
I'm not judging her on the act itself. I'm judging her on the commitment
to the dude. There's no rules in Marty Gras. Oh, I'm saying,
like she was just kind of like a soft suck. Yeah, it
just seems if you're in the vicinity of Marty Grass or even let's just expect
it. The thing that you really need to remember if you're a young person
going to the gasparilla, it's better than because everyone dresses up like a slutty
pier. Everyone's a pirate and that's the best thing about college. Slutty costs,
harrdy costumes. Oh my god, this you gotta, you gotta so
you can superimpose it. Yeah, this is that's incredible. And she's wearing
Is that a New Orleans like Baby King jersey polo shirt? Yeah? Oh,
I thought, what is that? Like? Horrifying baby the Baby King
King, the King, Baby King, Baby King, the babies and the
King King. Yeah, it looked like a King baby hockey jersey. The
way from a distance, that's the baseball team, isn't it. No,
it's not. The King Baby is just uh, I mean they pull him
out for Pelican games. He shows up to the basketball arena, but he's
just a maskout for the Cake. I believe he's well, it's part of
the whole yeah New Orleans thing. Yeah, but I believe they also have
an amateur Yeah, they have a minor league baseball team called the King Babies
too. Okay, yeah that makes sense. That's like the actual thing.
But yeah, no, I mean, I truly, I'll be real.
The one time I did gasprill, I don't really even remember that much because
decisions. I only did it once. Yeah, I've been a gas brille,
I believe six times. You've been six times? That's a lot.
Wait every year did you go when you were just living in Yeah, postcrid,
I mean might as well. It's fun, it's a good time.
No, it's I mean, it's the third largest parade in the country.
It's a giant party fest for reverence, dress as pirates, and it's made
off of bullshit. It's the most American thing in the world. Really,
if you think about it. What's that? Just the dream of being a
pirate. Yeah, just the dream of being a pirate based on every child,
at some point in your life wanted to be a pirate, wanted to
be a goddamn pirate. So I'll tell the story. I I dressed as
a pirate one time when we went to Disney World. I wanted to dress
as a pirate. My Mom's like fucking whatever, that's fine as a kid
on the ride. See. I saw a kid go to my kid's daycare
dressed as Spider Man for like on like a normal day, and I was
like, kids, a loser. Kid's gonna grow up to be weird.
Yeah, but if you're go on Disney World, you can dress up as
a kid. Sure that's not your wife though, but she would your your
wife would definitely dress up to go to Disney, wouldn't she. We do
a lot of aerial play, yeah, yeah, m cosplay, but not
in the bedroom. Yeah, in the tub. Mm hm. Oh well
you gotta keep her alive. She has her own tail, Yeah, she
sakes it up. Those tails kill people. Oh yeah, So you've seen
that video that there's like a mall and I feel like it's Dubai or something
crazy like that where they have just like mermaids swimming around and this mermaid got
her tail stuck on a rock. Oh no, she got dragged under.
Yeah did she know she would, but they did kill her for taking the
tail. I was about to say, like, maybe at that do they
have just like mermaids floating at the top like when your fished eyes. Yeah,
it just floats at the top of the top and then they flush it
down a giant toilet. There's actually that Dubai for that specific reasons, because
they can build whatever they want, that's true. It's it's amazing to see
what they can do with unlimited money. Yeah, like just oh, we're
gonna just like do a whole like reef system, island system that looks like
the world. I don't believe a lot in this crazy world, but there's
one thing I do believe, and that's led to buy Cook and the Saudis.
Yeah, I've turned full, like a full one eight on the Saudis.
Let him cook, Let them do whatever they want. You you never
were anti Saudi. I was for a little bit because just because they're sucking
up his favorite sport, they're fucking golf. But well too late for that.
They've consumed it now, so I've accepted it. Yeah, I like
I like all them. I like all the rumors going around the like Texas
A and m As being their nils being funded by Saudi Ramco. Also just
like the NBS is Rob's age yea. It just runs the thirty th It's
like a big chunk of the Middle East he runs the Middle East pretty much
the most important person in that region, and I just like would put it
in the running for like top twenty most important people of the most I just
like the dynamic that he has to deal with him trying to be progressive quote
unquote for you know, the Middle East. He's like, can we just
not act like it's the year twelve hundred anymore? And he still has to
kind of like appease the old school. Yeah. I just have a couple
of beheadings old guard Yeah. Yeah, it's like, all right, we
gotta we gotta kill some gays. Yeah, but women can ride bikes now,
and she gets happy unless they're menstruating. Right. Yeah, Well that's
just so that's just like a fun dynamic. Yeah yeah, super super kitchy,
super fun, very cool. You can make that into like a little
sitcom. Yeah, totally. What you guys learn today, I didn't really
learn much. You already knew it. I mean, I'm entrenched in the
Gasparilla of Lore, so God, yeah, you're deep in it. You're
you're big pirate guy. I didn't realize the spell learn. Don't let history
get in the way of tourism. No, never, never, ever,
especially. I mean, we don't have to in Florida, and you know
what they should do. By the way, real quick, sorry, in
Gettysburg, you know the Lord, I tell you that I do this,
and I think I did it. In the Ghost of Gettysburg, we did
just repeat it. How The lore is that the twentieth Maine was lost on
their way to the battlefield, and the ghost of George Washington showed up,
yes, to guide them, and then the obviously the twentieth Maine made made
their amazing stand save the battle and all that stuff. They need to just
pick a spot and that's where George's ghost was. Yeah, that'd be sick.
Pick a spot. This is where they saw it. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. All these caves and uh, these tourist attractions in the middle
of nowhere, all these random just states like a West Virginia, Virginia.
You have all these like random areas to go. H what is Virginia has
the caves? Right? Virginia and West Virginia. Yeah, I've been just
make things up. What like Kentucky does to Kentucky has a ton of caves.
Maybe that was where I went. I went caves. Yeah, we
were coming back from DC. I went into like a huge cave system.
Like this is where JFK hid after he was allegedly assassinate. Yes, this
is where the underground tunnel from Dallas Hospital to d C runs through. This
is where the Jewish Tunnel starts. The Jewish Tunnel starts in Brooklyn and it
ends in Boca. And that's how you come full circle. Yeah, Boker
ratone, not Poke Grande. That's where the treasure's hitting. Just remember that,
all right, who's Hitler? You saved me for not? Yes ending?
Yeah? Is it Jake today? It's me? No. Hitler is
the fucking people that want to shit on this alleged lore just because it's not
true. Yeah, I love it. I think Hitler. They're not like
the bad guys, but like the people I hate the most from this episode
are the ones who somehow thought pirates from two hundred years prior were invading Tampa
Bay. Oh no, yeah, fire the cannons. Yeah, like I
fuck off. Yeah those people are terrible. They were fucking launching cannon balls
into Raymond Jams. Dude, I've never been to Raymond James Stadia. I've
never been on the pirate ship. I've never been on a pirate ship.
I've never been to a program and James quite a few times. My first
Raymond James game I actually went to was a Penn State Tennessee Outback Bowl,
Great great Bowl in like two thousand's I'm gonna say seven two thousand and eight.
You go for high school? I went high school. That's fun.
Outback Bowl is supposed to be really fun. What I've heard running around and
ship? Yeah, no, it's like it's weird. But like that,
go to outback steakhouse sometimes. Yeah, I fucking love outback steakhouse. I
don't why get blue on onions? Man? You know who actually met their
wife in an outback steakhouse? Ye? Dan Lannon, Dan Lanning? That
the church Oregon? Yeah, yeah, the chicks out. Was she serving?
I don't know. But he also has a tattoo of her breast?
What on his body? He has a tattoo of his wife's breast. Did
she lose it? No? He just loves his woman's boops. That's one
of the most unnerving things I've ever heard. That's a wild Does it make
different, Yes, it makes me. If I was an Alabama Booster and
I was thinking about Dan Lanning and then heard that he had his wife's boob,
not even full set of bread a boob, no boobs either way.
It's actually that's semantic. It doesn't even matter. I would be like next,
next. And then he met her in an outback steakhouse. I know
that's on brand that i'd be. That's fine. That is fine by itself.
I mean when you combine it, when you combine, there's one thing
here that you've lived off little debies, so that's the outback thing is fine.
There's some heavy lifting happening from one particular part of those two things you
told me about that. I gotta show you the tattoo. You really need
to. I'll look it up. You really need to, because I'm very
curious about that. Dan Lanning is Hitler. That's easily the weirdest thing.
You can. Please show me this while we're on there. You got it,
let's see it. It's literally her I mean it's also her face,
but her boobs are in it. Oh, it's like cleavage. Yeah,
I thought it was like a full set of hips. You know, it's
not. It's creepy either way. It's weird, and she is I believe
Native American. Oh dude, this whole thing. Yeah, this this Dan,
you undersold this. This is an insane tattoo. He also has on
her body, in her face, every spot that he's coached. Yeah,
it's this is really really bizarre. But yeah, her tits are out.
I like that the pit logo is going into her titties like she's getting titty
fucked by the pit logo. It's a it's a pit tit. Yeah,
it's an even crazier tattoo. I undersold it. You really fucking did.
In the middle right now, she has an organ throat tat. In the
middle of the throat tat is a yellow ribbon. So is that like a
cancer thing in the middle of the organ logo? So did he beat cancer?
Did someone beat cancer? What's a yellow ribbon? Red as a sounds
like testicular cancer because uh yellow, that's a good point. Wait, is
yellow ribbon for the troops? It's probably for multiple things, but could be
he just do awareness? Okay, and also ball cancer. That's the wristband.
Yeah, same thing. Yeah, totally a ribbon. But yeah,
no, he she has the reason he couldn't go to Alabama or leave organ
is because his tattoo of his wife who is Native American, I think so
that yeah kind of plays. But she has an organ throat tat. She
has a tattoo. Was he at Bama at some point though, because yeah,
he was a he was with Ga there, Okay, yeah he was.
He was there when Kirby was the DC. Because she does have a
Bama tat face tat. Yeah, so it's wild to me to see that
and then actually look at the woman and be like, oh, you aren't
covered head to toe with tattoos. No, that is weird. This is
the weirdest tattoo I've ever seen it. It's it's weirder than the phoenix on
Ben Affleck's pack. It's weirder than any I forgot about that. It's not
it's not as weird as fucking that giant dragon that Ben Affleck has or whatever.
It's weirder. I think Ben Afflex wants fine, like that is a
dumb tattoo ben Affleck has, But it's a phoenix. By the way,
what is written across her neck? Who knows? Want to do an entire
episode on Dan Lennon's tattoo of his wife. Is this something Titan? So
Caden Niles Titan? Is that their kids. Their kids names are that yeah,
spelled it all awful to Caden is c A D O N. Niles
is K and I out that's tough. There's a silent K in that kid's
name. I never want organ to win a fucking game again. Yeah,
of course he met her it out back. If their names are Kayden and
Niles with a K and titan, she's Native American. None of those are
native None of those are Native American names. Cayden, Come on, AnyWho,
now that we've had this revelation, thank you for listening. We really
appreciate it. Go check out our Patreon again, Patreon dot com, slash
softcore history like, subscribe, review, please review on Apple if you can
leave, like actually write something down. Is there something you wanted to read
Dan? Or are we gonna do that next week? Reviews man, and
we can read something good reviews right now? Yeah, let's do it.
Yeah, I gotta get off this photo of Dan Lenon's tattoo. But a
great show. Love the show. We love an episode diving into the history
of Big Game Safari. Maybe we can do that. Another great show.
Review Absolute Calamity. You'll learn stuff in a really dumb way. Somehow it's
perfect. I can't really explain it. Sick merch too. A review from
Maddie Ice twenty eight. Sup, this isn't substock. Thanks for the five
stars, but uh, maybe you'll get some substock content future. We'll see,
We'll see Patreon dot com sasta core history was a month. Maybe you
get a Patreon episode? Oh my god? Maybe maybe? Uh get Dan
drunk again? From Jared Text been listening forever. Eleven out of ten recommend
best way to kind of learn history. You boys finally got me to leave
Spotify and actually come on here to leave a review. Good work. Get
Dan on the booze. Yes, I will not be drinking until we hit
a thousand reviews. We are at nine nine. That's okay, serious fact,
I feel like this is if you want Dan to drink, please leave
review. Please. I don't know if anyone's gonna troll you and will dance
Dan with your initial drink. Be you just getting bombed on the show.
Yeah, I'll get bombed good Hamer in a free week. No, I'll
do it on a week. I do it on your show. Yeah,
I think that is the way to go. Okay, Well, well,
whenever it's whenever we hit a thousand review. Yeah, so please give episode.
But yeah, that's it. That's our time for Damner Jester, Rob
Fox. I'm Jake Goldman. You just got saw served