My heart to mind the arrows to the part when those they don't go bland
it what are looking? All holy? Save the sea is RUPs don't need
no cus okus and dry those in all those and dry I beat hertis and
cleep my fantasy. All berries take on a sadistic games mascart will be s
hi everybody. I'm John Hartness and I'll be playing the role of Alphonse,
light Bringer monk with poor impulse control and a just a really bad attitude,
which is not much of a stretch for me in real life. I'm the
founder and publisher of Falstaff Books, as well as the author of multiple series,
including Bubba the Monster Hunter, Quincy Harker, Demon Hunter, and the
Black Night Chronicles. And I'll have a whole bunch of new releases and audio
coming out within the next three months, so please pay attention to my social
media newsletter for that. Thanks. I am Joseph Brassie. I play the
role of Stone Paladin Calhashwood. I was an author on the Mongoliad books.
My Drifting Land series, Skyfire and Dragon Road can be found from Anger Robot
Books and everywhere books are sold. And I am the author of such non
existent titles as what's on your feet? It's flesh because your feet are made
of flesh. Salutations you, flesh footed fellows. I am Drew Hayes,
author of books such as Superpowers and PC's and Fred the Vampire Accountant, the
last of which postumes education is coming out in you book and print on December
sixth. But in this game, I play Metallic Kazam, the electrical ethical
Enforcer, and yeah, I like to blow shit up. Hello friends,
my name is Treport Peppin. I play the role of Jorser the Sorcerer.
In real life, I am Right the Caverns and Creatures series of comedy fantasy
novels and short stories, starting with the first book, Critical Failures. Go
get It, Stand Dan Deliver Here form a holder of both a heroic reputation
and the reliable penis these days not so much. In real life, I
am Steve Weaverville, probably both those things, and I write such books as
The doomsay A Journeys with Foulstaff books. Go check them out. Hey everyone,
my name is Rick Waltiri, and I am the genius businessman who's decided
that the best way to make money is to launch salty Bastard's Blue in which
I charge all of these guys eight dollars for every dice roll. Oh yeah,
in real life I write several several things, including the Tomb of Bills
series Bill Are Dead and false Icons and last time we left off, which,
yes we are aware it's been a while. Sorry, shit happens.
But last time we left off, the group was in the sewer. No
surprise there. They had just droid Clack the sewer Scorpion and claimed his treasure,
of which I believe they identified one of the three items they found the
bag of the sewers. Before they can do much more other than Georcerer trying
to bizarrely hackaway at this thing's tail, a couple of the guys found a
giant sewer snake. Oh and Georcerer's family showed up for whatever reasons, including
his cousin Krunk the Monk, his other cousin Whiter the Fighter, and his
arch nemesis from childhood, Jizzard the Wizard. Now I remember everything, Oh
now I hate everything all right? And just a reminder, Alphons you still
there's something wrong with your eyes. You have negative one to all attack rolls.
I see you've met Jizzard the Wizard. I haven't even seen Jizzard the
Wizard up Jisord the wise Ord. Oh damn it, I always mesh that
up. So anyway, it's been uh, it's been a while since since
we've done this something. Just clean up this, uh the screen. But
this scorpion is. Jorg has just been beating the hell out of it.
And Jorcer, yes, you were, you were standing in front of your
I mean, come on, George has been beating the hell out of it.
So you and Metallica Zammer in the room. Uh, your your relatives
showed up in a flash of lights and uh, Jisard turns to you,
Jorcerer, He's like, oh, Josher, you you failure. You we
meet again, Jesud, you've brought shame upon the family, which shame.
Why my poor father, uncle, your uncle, he's beside himself. I
was, Sorcer, like, no man can God. I've been sitting on
that stupid joke for a fucking month. Now next time, can I just
get ship in my ears? A word of your crimes has reached the homestead.
More importantly, the people of this good town have hired us to rid
them of your presence. Oh, my I'm not present there. He's got
you there, mushion accomplished fuckers, fine to rid you from being from underneath
there out foxed by Jorcer or that one has to sting. Now you're just
moving the goal post man Whiter. In the meantime, you're human supremist.
Cousin turns and points a finger toward towards Metallicazam. What the hell is that,
Jorcer, You're hanging around with some humans. Now metallic as Am is
going to point at the fighter. What the is that? Sir? You
shamed the family. You have shamed the party. As Crunk the Monk just
kind of looks between you two. It's like, damn, this is trippy.
I left this family for a reason. That's fascinating. As all of
this is josher, I have to I'm afraid that you and your friends are
under arrest. Come quietly, now, by whose authority? I am?
Joser the Sorcerer? Behold my wonder, I am just the wizard. Do
you're mother? Oh? Dare you talking about mother? My mother? Well?
All right, well you know I will. I shall wait to see
what they do, and I shall have a prismatic spray at the ready,
Well, why don't we Why don't we get into initiative and we can see,
uh what what that will be. Since it's been a while, why
don't we roll fresh numbers for everybody? Everybody here makes sense? Actually click
on my token and remember to do that this time. Alphonse rolls a nine.
That's a seventeen for cal Jus of the Sorcer rules of fifteen, Metalla
Kazan selects a thirteen. Stand Dan deliver rolls of thirteen and Alphon do you
still have a giant snake right behind you? Yeahag, I know dessert appears
to appears to you know, ready a spell? You see him like,
you know, you see him like reach his hands under his robe and start
fiddling with something. Oh my, this is gonna be a jerk off fight.
Oh god. Yeah, I'm going to tell you this one's choice,
sir, and only once come quietly. I'm pretty sure he doesn't know how
to do anything quietly, especially not that well you're you're technically don't know.
It's true, I'm down the hallway. Can I yell that down the hallway?
He jesus, I mean it is a sewer, So okay, hold
on a second, give me a reception. Make sure fourteen Okay, yes,
you definitely hear it. Okay, I'm pretty sure he can't do that.
All right. He gave an ultimatum that's uh and appears the ready a
spell. Caw, it's your turn. All right, I'm gonna head back
towards the is. The is the giant snake. Like I forget a m
I aware of the giant fucking snake. I'm pretty sure you you stand and
alphons are very aware of the giant snake. Okay, he's pretty funckl about
the giant snake, specially me. Yeah. Al, let's go back into
the room. Umm, I'm thinking we don't want to tangle with the fucking
snake, but it looks really punchable. Yeah. But also if we bring
it back, then we have the snake. Plus I fucking fucking you want
me to fight the snake? I mean, you do, you baby,
you live your best life? But uh god, I mean I'm a little
We can take the snake back to Jeorcer and back there. I'm pretty sure
that it's annoyed enough to follow me. All Right, I'm gonna do a
double movement to get back into the room. Wait, why do I want
the giant snake or the motherfucking sorcerer because genetics did not gift you with one
in this game. You didn't roll for it. Cal's gonna run into the
room. He's still got his sword drawn and he's just gonna be like,
oh hey, y'all, giant fucking snakes right behind us? What what race
are you? Cal? Half half of? All right? Running there and
like giant snake course for it's your turn? Oh my, Um, I
shall color spray right well, that doesn't make it less creepy. No,
no, this is not good. This is raw yours or a baby the
use of his ready to action. But I will let you go first,
color of spray, all right, Rick? Yes, do you need me
to read the description or what do you need? I mean, I'm reading
it right now. Sixty ten. The total is how many hit points of
creatures this set belt can effect. Here's five D ten and I'm gonna add
one more, so that's twenty seven. Okay, Um, you can affect
one of one of them. So who are you aiming at? Yeah?
The lowest current hit points? Lowest? Okay? All right, then,
so what do I what do I need at DC? What safe. It's
there, we're looking at the same things. Creature respective from the affected by
the spell is blinded until the spell ends. Okay, so there probably should
be a save. Yeah, no saves allowed. Okay, no, no
saves. What does the blinded condition do? You can't see things? That
depends? Have you been blinded by the light cut? Look, it's disadvantage
to attacks, and people get advantage to attacks on them. I think that's
pretty much it. You have done a color spray into Jizzard's eyes. Oh
good, I was hoping it would be him. I had of tables of
tents all right, but his ready spelled goes off effectively simultaneously. Here,
how is it? Double bell cocky? Did they did they meet in the
center and something like that? You do a color spray in his eyes and
uh, it's like dragon ball Z, but with Z it's a come Oh
it's oh it is close. So basically, a tidal wave of white liquid
appears, oh from his hands and slams into you and uh and col oh
no you fucking oh oh oh no, this is not okay. So wait
so he just he just wanked and inflicted on me. I love the idea
of Georsper being affronted at this it's magic, I'm not sure that it is.
George is affronted at being that being just one. I have never been
so glad to play a character who doesn't have to breathe. It's the lack
of finesse. Yeah, it's one thing ever comes straight from the source.
But it's coming from his hands. That's just disrespectful. It's a whole.
It's a giant wave that explodes. His hands are underneath his robe as in
my mouth. So a tidal wave of wait liquid slams into you both.
I need a DC fifteen save from both stands staying out here and fighting the
snake. D DC fifteen de sex. That's a hat one from Calx Dirty
eight. Okay, you both take fourteen bludgeoning damage. You were both knocked
prone and cal you are knocked five feet back and yeah, so I'm definitely
got in your mouth. I'm gonna kill that guy. He's like, oh
my eyes, I loaned this color spray last or is duration one round?
Okay? Yeah? Alright, alright, Dan, Dan deliver. You see
a wall of stuff come flying down the tunnel. Fortunately, Peter's out about
ten feet in front of you. Came out of his Peter. I'm running
from a greater evil here, I expect you know. I'm running into the
room. Jeosra, I need your help handling my giant snake. Oh never
mind, Actually I can see you're busy, just like skidding cartoon style before
his boots can stop in it two, Jeoss cast an illusion with oh dare
you? I but Jizzard, I should have no idea not shitting. Of
course, he's not talking in your direction. He's like trying to wipe stuff
out of his eyes. Isn't everybody thought? First sewer, this is surprisingly
disgusting, surprisingly like, this is worse than you would expect from the sewer.
Oh, the head point damage was bad, but the psychic damage is
worse. All right, Just in case anyone you know has any reservations or
second thoughts, I would like to shout, I give not the fuck about
these people. Wait speaking, Well, all right, I sure made that
clear? Yeah, um yeah, well the one that just injured me playing
both sides to the end. No, no, I was I was just
blaming this dude. I thought, you know, all right, um,
hey, let's all take it down a notch. I blinded you, but
you sent a tidal wave of jizz to wound me. Brother cousin, It's
good to know that you don't like a dude who jizzed all over you with
a bludgeoning force. Listen, I'm not homophobic saying I mean no, neither
am I. It's just you know it was non consenting for all I know.
This is just how you guys like the party. There was a non
zero chance that Jorser was gonna like this, Are we under attack? Or
is it Saturday night? Somebody filled me in? All right, Stan,
so what are you doing other than walking up gingerly into Yeah, I don't
know how quickly I can sort of skip along the jizz, but I am
definitely running away from a giant snake. And I did hear alphons his plans
to lure it this way. So me being in this tight card, this
tight snake shaped corridor not great idea. I'm gonna use the rest of humber
next to my friend Metallica is am what, my non jiz covered friend,
what race are you? By the way, Stan, Canonically Stan pretends to
be human, so he looks older, but he's half And also I have
mentioned that yet only in my character all right, that's up to you.
He can probably if he if he's super racist, he can probably tell he's
a halfway fund and a hat. Well, we'll see when we get to
him. Metallica is am, you've just watched some interesting human behavior. Ah
yeah, so typic clear? Is it? Is it rough terrain? Uh?
At the moment, At the moment, it's no more rougher than than
than it normally would spell the spell. I'm dried up quickly. All right,
Well, I am going to uh wish stand dan deliver the very best
of luck and use my movements to exit uh behind cal uh. And then
once I am safely behind my friend the paladin h the distinct call of just
we'll ring out as a sword made of magic comes bursting forth into existence right
here, and it's a it's gonna go ahead and stab the jiz king there?
Oh my, what is what is it? This fellic delight? Uh?
Stabbing the jis King sounds like a really metal band. His name is
Jess the Wizard. That doesn't make him the jis King. We're now battling
over who gets to We'll see who's the jis King. Damn it. That
was a good role and it didn't show up. I'm gonna refresh. It
must have done some kind of update recently. All right, I'm gonna I'm
gonna try again. This doesn't work, I'll just okay, I think it'll
work this time. And now I get a natural one. Motherfucker, roll
another D twenty Yeah something, you know something I actually don't don't because I'll
give you the benefit of doubt for that. For that, for that first
role, I appreciate. We'll call that just a wash. The sword even
doesn't really want to touch. Now does the sword actually take up space or
uh no, it's it's insubstantial. Uh okay, I can. I think
I can push the thing and oh sorry, that was damaged non applicable.
But yeah, I was trying to find the I'll just I'll copy and paste.
That's probably easier. I am floating spectral weapon. Cronks turn. She
kind of looks between your spr and Jizzard and it's like, I'm definitely not
getting in the middle of this. Sorry, um, just true. You
said you got a natural one. You know you had an advantage on that,
right, What Why did my weapon have advantage because he's blind? Oh?
Yeah, because Dessert is blind. So okay, so roll another and
see what happens. All right, let's let's give it a shot. Thanks
Bob, good catch good. Yeah, I wanted my spell to do something
twenty two all right, that hits five forced damage. Hell yeah, it's
better than I had. Oh my, I have been penetrated. Fuck you,
desert, and now we all regret it. All right. Krunk comes
down to you, Stan and she looks in the eye and she's like,
so, is it gonna be the easy way or the hard way? Which
one involves the least amount of jazz? Oh, that's a good question.
I was gonna go with the hard way, but not the easy way.
It could be applicable as well. She's like, yeah, I thought,
so moves to punch you in the face twice. That was a legitimate question.
Now, so she punches you in the face once for five dace for
a cryp for five damage, and there's a nineteen hits you. Yeah,
all right, how's that for the hard way? Well it was painful and
unnecessary. All right, Alfonse, you are facing off against the giant snake
and there's stuff going on down the hall. Give me a perception check,
King, where your where your attention? Lies. Well, uh, that's
a twenty two all right? Yeah, you were where that some weird shits
going going on back down the hall and apparently some kind of family feud.
Have I hit the snake yet? You? No, no, no,
no, you haven't. You and the snake haven't actually done anything to each
other yet. Now do I know that the snake wants to kill me?
It's slithered up from the hole and it's pssing at you. You know you
want to do things with each other. Yeah, I'm gonna run away,
Run like hell, back down the hallway, turn run from the feelings sounds
like it's kind of sliver in. Well, I'm gonna say the snake is
not going to take an ope attack because technically has engaged you yet. All
right, then I can use one move. We'll put me here and yeah,
I think I'm just gonna do a double move. I can move past,
I can move through occupied squares friendlies. Yeah, yeah, all right,
I'll I'll use my the rest of my movement. I'll use the rest
of my movement to get over here. And as I pass Metallicazam and cal
big fucking snake, Big fucking snake, Big fucking snake and then um,
yeah, I think that's that's enough. I'm just going to kind of hang
out and oh, I'll spend a key point to take the dodge action,
all right, because I had the ship beat out of me already and could
easily die. Snakes turn. None of you can see it at moments.
You're not sure what's going on with that. It's probably fine to whiter the
fighter's turn. As he like screams out, trustfer hanging out with so many
sabio bans. I don't like this guy. You nobody does. He lifts
up his sword cow, you know, and then he looks at it for
a second. He's like, it's like, you're not worth my gleaming white
sword. And as he starts to kick you while you're down, Oh you
little bitch. He kicks you twice and yeah and no twenty one and a
krip. Okay, how much damage both of those heads? So yes,
just ow. He's curb stumping with armored boots. Oh god, you make
fucking nugget. I will turn you into dug shit upon my boots. All
right. Back to Jizzard. He can't see very well. He's blinded at
the moment, so let's see here casts another spell and suddenly the floor is
covered in a in a slippery white mess, the entirety of the room.
It is. Now you must be so okay, I'll get this guy credit.
He sticks to his theming sticks. He is to die, so I
take the take the reins again. All right, So everybody must succeed on
the deck. Every and that's including including him too. It's difficult to rain,
and everyone in there must succeed on a saving throw or fall prone?
Is it running all the way down the hallways or can you show us swear
it cutting off? It cuts it's it's just the size of the does doesn't
um? No said dex save, dex dex save on your turn on our
turn. Okay, So creature that enters the area or end it turned there
must succeed on a dexterity save or fall prone or end its turn there,
so we can start our turn with no penalties. All right, As he's
like finishes wiping the crust out of his eyes. So here, let me
let me let me draw that. No, no, it's okay, we
don't. We don't need a visual No, a right there, there is
a there's your white square quote unquote white grease spell. Yeah, no,
that's that's that's no. No, we did not need we did not need
grease lightning up in this bitch. Are all my relatives white supremacists? No?
Okay, his his his magic is a different white. But thanks for
asking. All right, Cal, you are prone and now sitting in the
stuff. Okay, do I need to roll a DEXA have to get up?
I didn't mean my character, I'll say no, okay, And is
getting it? Remind me? Is getting up a move action? Or is
that my standard action? What is it half your move? Yeah, it's
half your move? Okay, so I can get up and attack? Cool,
gonna get up, I'm gonna attack wider the fighter. Um, let's
play off filthy hands upon me. No, I'm not laying my hands on
you, you bitch, and laying my sword on you. All right,
give it a try. That's a fourteen problem with lances off his his gleaming
white armor. Oh god, Cal, you're too sober tech a pill.
I don't have any of those man lick the floor us. No, you
would have done it when it was just sewer floor, but not when it
Oh yeah, I got do I it too. And that's right. I
am five. That's all right, hold on a second second attack that's an
eight. So no, all right, we'll let deck save. All right,
let's do this. That's thirteen. So Cal goes back down with with
alright, joys, you are sitting down now, whiter the finer is wearing
metal armor? Correct? Oh, yes, all right, I shall grab
him in the crotch with a shocking grasp. Oh that's that's that's good.
That's that's tasty. All right, since he's wearing oh god would then I
had it? Um, But since he's wearing metal armor, I got advantage
on the attack. All right, go for it. And when I hit
the tonge it takes one D lightning damage and it can't take reactions or we
can't take reactions. Takes reactions, all right, um, everybody the ready
to action? Yeah yeah, or a reaction spell shocking gross natural twenty yeah
hell yeah? All right? Wow? Wow shit, wait? Why do
I get that much? You did? You did a crib? Yeah?
Was that krid damage? All right? Cool? So seven plus four two
is twenty one? Yeah that doesn't sound right, but yeah, I'll take
it. Sizzle his new sizzle, his peanuts. He screams out er,
stop torture my dick. Oh god, definitely not the first time he said
that. Oh, and give me a deck saved. Oh you didn't get
up, so you just reached over from where wit was I prone? Yeah?
You were prone? When was I prone? You got knocked prone by
the uh all right, right right, okay, awesome, all awsome.
You're just still sitting there. Yeah, that's fine, all right. Put
them in like perfect nut grabbing height like that. Well, all right,
I'm gonna use vicious mockery again on Crunk the Monk as soon as I remember
how to do this. We really should not leave a month between games,
right, okay, unleash your string of insults, throw or take one D
four's psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next turn. All right, and
the saving frow is wisdom fourteen. She does not make it interesting company.
You keep what's your martial arts style way of the open hand job damn outstanding,
open fantastic. So D four takes free damage and disadvantage on the next
attack. I thought, I thought, I thought it rolled the damage up
here five cyclic? Oh did it? Yeah? Yeah, alright, cool,
that's much better than what I did ye go with an edge, all
right, Metallica's am alrighty. We will open things up with a good old
bonus action slash. Oh justice, I assume he is no longer blinded.
Nope, what a dick, very inconsiderate of him. Fifteen No, that
miss is all right. Well, to soften the blow, I will fire
off a firebolt. Oh and stand, I need to deck save it from
you. Thanks save coming up sixteen sixteen nuts six NASA twenty decks safe from
stan Dandyliver. Oh my, roasting my chestnuts. It's a love crutch heating
going on in this game. You know, you know, Jissard I coined,
Oh my, that's what this said time rivalry is about. Only because
you stole it from me, you can all right, So stand, you're
still on your feet, tax amb you went, I did crunk. It's
her turn, and she did not appreciate she was She was eyeing alphons there
and she turns back to you. She's like, oh, so I I
see, we need to have more discussion with my fists. Witty. I'll
take some psychic damage from that. I'm sure, all right, So I
assume at thirteen and the nine missus, they both miss you, all right.
She eats a key point and flor you blues. Yeah that this company
you're keeping at thirteen and nine? Yeah, stand is out for the count
No, No thirteen and the nine. Oh of course I had none of
them hit. Oh wow, damn, you're a slipper, little fucker,
kind of like my cousin over here. I made the same mistake as the
Steve because I was looking at the first two hits that were like, yeah,
that's amazing, all right, yeah, well, good, good use
of it. All right, Alphonse, How damaged does um Wider the fighter
look? Well, there's definitely smoke rising from his cod piece, but he
looks more more angry than uh, than hurt than anything. All Right,
well, I feel like Cal's got that guy pretty well from the floor.
Hold on, I gotta roll up dex Si. Nope, she goes down,
whiffed full times than an old man, and fell over instant cheers.
That was a cutting insult. I'm feeling we're forgetting that entire bite anyway.
So I will use my Monk of the sun soul radiant sunbolt ability and burn
my last key point to you to fire off two more in my bonus action.
All right, so I you're firing it. I'm gonna fire it at
Jizzard, all right, because you know usually if we kill the wizard,
things get better. That's a seventeen and a twenty one, and there we
have three hits. Yeah, all right, so eight and four and four
is sixteen radiant damage. All right, let the sunshine in, Jiz boy.
Okay, I still have no what's the snake's doing? And I fire
off three radiant sunbolts at Jizzard's dick and promptly fall on my ass. Thank
you for remember, all right, cal alright, um, well, no,
no, I'm sorry. It's it's whiter Waiter's turn. Okay, all
right. He turns away from you to your torsera, and he does not
look happy. It would be wait if he did for you. He pulls
out his long sword. I thought that's what app The og is pure white
long sword, all right? Does the twenty one hitch almost certainly? Yes?
All right? So he slashes you for four damage and then and I
assume a nine misses, Yes, slashes you for four damage, and the
pure whiteness of his of his blade freezes you for an additional four. Oh
my vanilla ice, Hey minutes, just the keep his feet all right,
dessert, you got his attention. Alphonse, so fiddling beneath his robes.
Suddenly he thrusts his hips in your direction, and a knife made of some
substance comes flying out. But it only let's see here. I mean,
if the knife is magic, that's cool. But if he for a knife
of his dick, that's cool. You're not wrong. But I assume an
eleven misses you. I'm gonna assume that is yes, on eleven misses me.
All right, The rather disturbingly uh you know, solid solid dagger of
something goes flying past you. Let's had a spiked condom and he just shot
it off. There's no way he had a condom on. I kind of
didn't want to know that either. It's just calcified. I think anybody in
this family ever has a condom on Conquering Maybe, Oh God, shoot me
now. I don't think you want Jizzard to shoot you. Jizzard's just proven
himself fucking incapable of shooting me. Yeah, but that wave earlier. All
right, Kyle, it's your turn, all right? Do I need to
roll anything to get up? No? Okay, I'm gonna attack wider the
fighter twice again. All right, let's do this. Thirteen, No,
that hits. All right, we are going to We're gonna do the damage
with the long sword. There we go. That's nine slashing damage. And
we're gonna drop a divine smite. That's another eight. So uh, seventeen,
all right, slamming it. Hey, hey, hey hey, little
human supremacist bitch attacking me from behind, just like a sub human. All
right, anything else, Kyle getting vibes off the sky. I'm gonna yeah,
actually, I'm gonna burn. Let's see here. I want to see
how much I've gotten my layon hands bul Yeah, I'm gonna burn half my
lay on hands bull on myself. So that's ten hit points. Oh wait,
no, that's a standard action, standard action. Never mind. Um
yeah, I'm gonna just stand in front of metallic zam. All right,
give me a deck save and all right? Sixteen all right, you are
you remain erect. I can't back the white buddy totally been forgetting this.
But just remember if you are if you are attacking from prone, you have
disadvantage. And if you were being attacked while you are prone, the other
person has advantage, so your surer you are currently prone. Alright, glad?
I did remember that when I had my natural twenty last time. Yeah,
yeah, I'll let you keep that. That was that was my bad?
Is the is the the white? You know? Just pool still around?
Yes? All right? Uh? Can I get up? Surprised?
He found disappointed by that? Yes, you can get up? I can
I get up and attack? Yes? All right, well then I'll do
that and shock and grass worked well enough last time. I'll give that another
go. I shall grab Whitey the Smighty and the balls again. Oh more?
Oh shit? Natural one? He blocked you easily. First one is
free? Second one is? Why was the first one free? Alright?
Roll another? Roll another D twenty eighteen? All right, just a miss
stan. Okay, well I'm going to run away from this person. Um.
I think I got lucky last time. That was fun, but I
don't want to be beaten to death. I go to take a cunning action
to disengage. I'm going to move where I've got a little bit more back
up, difficult to rain. Do you want me to roll the decks?
Saying? And I roll the decks after you're done? Okay, Well,
I'm going to be going to stand next to the human supremacist and I will
roll a deck safe four twelve and down. You go, oh, yes
you do. Can I take any other action? Or am I just too
busy falling down? Um? I mean you still have your act, You
still have your action. Okay, I would like to know you disengage.
That's a cunning action, is that? Um? Well, I'm not going
to try anything from a prime position anyway, but I would like to test
a theory. Um. I know I can't draw my dagger since picking up
a couple of those items, but I wonder if I can actually draw the
cursed rapier. It might not be a good idea, but being unarmed is
probably a worse idea. So I'm gonna try it. All right. You
pull the rapier out, and once it's in your hand, you realize you
don't want to, let you know, ever use a different weapon. This
feels it feels good. Hmm. Oh, give me a give me,
give me a wisdom safe, wisdom safe okay, not the wisest of men,
natural one. Okay, that tracks. So, since Crunk is the
person who's injured you, you feel compelled to race back. Once you get
up again, and finish the fight with the rapier. I was feeling sensible.
Now I'm just failing sexy. You ax, Crunk, you'll feel better
after the rapier ejaculates. Um oh, okay, well let's start off with
a good old fashioned justice slash on Jizzard to see how my how my dice
are doing? Twenty three all right? Good? Ten four damage. It's
uh there is looking well, he wasn't looking good to begin with. Uh,
you know what, I will toll the dead. So he is going
to have to roll a DC fifteen Wisdom save or take two D eight sorry,
two D twelve damage because he's been damaged. Wisdom save. Yeah here,
I'll just yeah, I kind of put it in the window, yea
for the folks at home, DC fifteen wi save. Nope, he does
not get it all right, and he takes six necrotic damage. Okay,
as a I snapped my fingers and a big bell tolls. He's definitely looking
a little haggard around the edges and James Hetfield is pissed off. M all
right. Crunk gets up, steps over to you. Alphonse looks down at
you, cracks your knuckles, and she's like, yo, monk, get
ready to meet Crunk. These are coming in with advantage because you are down,
so Alphons, she's not very good at one. Lioness used at against
ten. I assume a ten misses because it does A nineteen hit you.
Yeah, nineteen does hit me, and then she throws a key point for
some uh for some floria blows action. So it's seventeen and an eighteen uh
halfling down, all right, because that's a total of seventeen damnage yep,
halfling down? Cool like, yeah, there's only one good monk and her
name he's crunk, all right, Alphons lying in the white grease when it's
give me a death save fail all right, that's one failure. I think
it's really just kind of a kind of emblematic of a greater systemic failure.
All right, So it's whiter's turn. Cal what's good for you? Odds
or evens? Um hmm, let's take odds? All right? All right,
he's still pissed at a jorcerer. Yeah, okay, understandable, goes
after you er all right, er, I assume a twenty one and seventeen
both hit you. Yes, oh wait, actually a twenty one any crit
since you're prone. That's not looking good for me. So the first attack
is eight plus three cold. All right, Well that's enough, Okay,
I have ten hit ones. Yeah, pounds the shit out of you.
Yeah, who's touching? Who's dick? Now? Huh huh huh. There's
a lot to unpack with this family that I very much do not want to
you. Yes, why are they here? I didn't invite them. I
left them for a reason. Yeah. I don't get the feeling these people
have been invited anywhere every certainly not twice. If I live through this,
I'm I'm gonna be so embarrassed when you know we're looking over all the dead
bodies of my family. So I'm sorry, guys. Does this release in
time for Thanksgiving? Oh? I hope? So? Oh god, it's
so yeah. Yeah. All right, So you've been you've been chipping away
at a jizzard, So cal and uh and Metallica. Jizzard casts a lightning
bolt which flies through both of your spaces. Okay, so a deck saved
from both of you. Cal and Metallica's am alrighty, Rudy, that's a
five. All right? You take twenty four lightning damage? All right?
Uh? All right, Um, cow has six head points left, so
you take twelve damage. Yeah it was. Let's say, if if you
would not one that being a metal being, that might have been bad.
Take that's you walking fallus you. I've put things such as you where the
sun don't shine? All right, caw white lightning shit is bunk. Okay,
I appreciate that. All right, Cal is going to dump the last
of his lay on hands pool into alphons. So that's ten hit points left
for alphons or ten hit points for alphons. All right, that brings you
up ten alphons, thanks bud. Yeah, good, now let's like hit
people before we all die. You got it? All right? Well that's
an action. Do you have you want to do anything with movement or anything?
Umcond is an action to yell the inspiration? Can I move and stand
over jorcer alas can occupy the same space? Yeah, I would like he's
a layer hands upon me. Well, I don't have any more lay on
hands magic. But if I stand, if I stand, if I occupy
the same space as Georgia and stand over him, I can give standing might
not be relevant. They don't really have flank rules. We doing no flank,
never used them. We've never used them. I'm pretty sure we haven't.
People have like if someone's engaged in melee like a sneak attack, but
that one doesn't specify flanking. It's just yea if someone is engaged. Okay,
flank is entirely optional enough, Okay, okay, cool, I would
still like you to lay your hands upon me. Well, I don't have
any lay on hands. You can't say shit right now, he's not really
asking for it. For by the way, both both of them made their
odd dex saves just for the people at home. Okay, I'm gonna I'm
still gonna move over, stand over Georgia if I can. I'm just sure
it's just make it a little harder for it to hit him. Oh God,
damn, I'm doing this, Muscue. You're standing over Jorcererer. You're
unconscious, so you don't see a cow above you. But give me a
death save. I'll see if I seem or not. Nine yep, don't
see that. Somebody sent you an angel? No, all right, so
that's one down. All right, Stan, You are compelled to race back
into the fight with with krunk try a farling with the rapier in your hand.
You feel the need to stab I'm gonna call this blade Matilda. Come
on, Darling, let's dance. So I will attack, but I'm also
going to use my bonus action to cast my last first level spell, which
is healing. Word on Jeorserer four six, come on, jeosper out son,
stand up and watch me stab this bitch. Oh I do see a
croutch above me. All right, hold on one second. If you're waking
up jors her or cow, you need to pick another square two. Okay,
I will move, not on my account, my own shit. Okay,
I'm just trying to think of what good I'll move above one above there.
I really hope you're going to give that monk another target. Oh well,
broh, well he's got months, got to never have enough friends.
So I got I got six ten points? Yeah, all right? Was
that was that an action or a or a bonus? That was a bonus.
So my action will be to attack, and you gotta have no choice.
I will attack four bloop seventeen all right, damage It was eight plus
one, so nine damage. All right. Definitely noticed that that I've been
very good at gang or attention anything else. Give me a deck save myself
will look less punishable. I guess, but deck save only an eight.
Don't you go give me look more punishable. I daresay you're probably right.
Okay, we tellica am ohkay, I will open, of course with the
old justice slash eighteen and it's eight fourth damage. All right, Jizzard goes
down. Excellent. I think I dirted myself lapses. You know, Jurser
may be disgusting and perverted and almost certainly a sex criminal, but at least
he's not a filthy fucking wizard. We all we all have our lines.
I guess, uh, and I'm going to toll the dead on craw Wait,
hang on, no, I'm gonna firebolt or firebolt crunk the monk.
Okay, I'm guessing at ten, don't do jack. Nope, all right,
well I killed Jizar. That was something well done. All right,
so crunks. Good she is since you just stabbed her. Yeah, yeah,
Stan, she is going to focus on you, and then if she
has anything left over, she's gonna use it on an owl is. Yep,
you guessed it. More flurry blues. I do not need to be
Stan dandyliver or sloppy seconds. All right to a tax come in Stan eighteen
nineteen. Yeah for fifteen damage stands down. Oh yeah for the knockout.
Now it's your turn, little guy. Twenty five and a fourteen twenty five
A hit eight points. I'm still well. I was gonna say standing,
but I'm swelling, lying here, still sitting in a pile of jays.
I'm still sitting here in a pilo jip. By by the way, the
pile of the jiz has disappeared now with the jizzard going down, so people
will get up. You don't have to do that same thing anymore. She's
like, oh tough, little guy. Huh. She cracks her knuckles.
She's like, well, there's more where that came from. Yeah, you're
about to find out where that came from. Let's do this, although maybe
let's not talk about things that came with the two wizards in the room.
One sorcerer, Thank you all right? Return outputs, because because our other
useful sorcerer just killed the fuck out of your other guy, He's like,
did you just fucking cool my friend a wizard down? Yeah? I should
be pissed off enough to have advantage off of that. I assume you're get
I assume you're gonna get up. Yeah, I'm getting up and I'm going
to take an unarmed strike, all right for a fourteen? That HiT's all
right for eight all right, and that's all I got. I think I
can. I'm out of key points, so yeah, I can maybe ready
to dodge, but that's all I got. All right, Well, moving
on to whiter. Whiter turns to you, Cal, because uh, he's
not pleased that you helped yoursurer. Like when I kicked Yourserer's ass, I
expect it's to stay kicked. I mean it stayed kick. You just suck
at this twenty and at sixteen, those both head all right, so the
first one is ten points down. Cal's down. Oh okay, yeah,
all right then all right, Jizzard is down. Cal. Can I get
a death save nineteen? All right? You're good and Yourserer? All right,
last time my attacked I forgot to roll advantage because the met I shall
not make that mistake again. Are you going to get up because you're sitting
down and now give me this advantage? I am going to get up.
I was already planning to do that. Yeah, being helpful, Thank you,
I appreciate it, all right, shucking gross shucking sixteen all right,
as he's as he's like, you know, concerned with cal You try reaching
between his legs, but before you can grab hold of his junk, his
like you know, his armored butt cheeks clenched down on your wrist. Oh,
keep you from keep you from reaching your goal. I don't know how
many times do you think I'm gonna fall for that jorcer? At least once
more? You have learned much since we were children. No oh ah,
and this is this stam, Can I get a death save? And maybe
I'll take a death save to with the hope that I'll fail. It wasn't
Bud I did to bring my family into this twelve right, you are good,
telicas am. I think it's time for Crunk the Monk to taste the
spectral blade of Justice. Boo boo boo. That will move and strike from
a bonus as soon as I can get to my rolling part natural twenty.
It's hell yeah, we needed that. Yep, So twelve forced damage to
Crunk the Monk, all right, solid hit and uh sorry, Budd,
nobody fucks with my paladin. You are up for eight with healing word excellent.
Ah, that's the good stuff. You're welcome. Thank you anything else.
Uh, I'll take a five foot step back. Crunks turn. I
got the spunky little monk in front of her. Let's see how what how
it goes? Sixteen down? Oh, we're getting our asses kick. I'm
going down in this fight more than Jorcer's mom on a Saturday night. He's
no, she's not even here. Comes after you, Matt Telka's ham gets
in your face and it's like, it's like, let's let's see if your
metal face is good enough for my fist as she sucks down another key point
slurb slurp twenty six and a nat I'm sorry, a chrip and an eleven?
What if the not twenties? Somehow miss would be nice? But I'm
pretty sure that ain't the case. Well, that's where you're wrong, motherfucker.
No, I don't have a spell for that, but that would be
a great time to bust one out. It would all right, I can
take six damage thus for six Yep, not happily, but all right,
Alfonds death save eighteen good whiter. Let's see here he is looking between two
of you. You were actually still down on the ground. Cow orser,
what's lucky for you? Odds or evens odds. All right, fortunately for
you, as much as Whider hates your gutsjors for it's a fucking half elf.
Thank god for rices. Got to stop saying that. Man, it's
getting hard. Thank god Steve has to edit himself out. Yeah, all
right, So that's a nineteen and the twenty one those both head all right,
So first one, I'm pretty sure down again. Yeah, that's so
all right, you go down. Dessert is still down, Kyle, just
for the sake of brevity, because we're running out of We're starting to run
out of time. Shit, we're starting to run out a party. Metallica's
am well when pushed into a corner, they say there's only one thing to
do, run like a motherfucker. Well that's not my solution. Can he
transform? Please say he can transform? Well, sorry, everybody, I
know, Oh we all gonna die. Oh boy, do I drop the
fireball and wipe the party? The gentleman's farewell? Fuck? Yeah, you
know, but part part of me is tempted to be like, we'll find
out next time on fuck this. I want to see what happens. Okay,
what happens is the perfect Okay, I will drop a misty step bonus
action to teleport myself thirty feet uh, and then I will give me perception
checking. Oh shit. Twenty three there is a loud hissing coming from relatively
close to behind you. Yeah, well, I've got another one of these
things that can rock and load. Okay, with my apologies, Stan and
Alphons, I think you guys are gonna have to take this too. It's
the best I can do. We're not gonna know about it. Scizzard did
it. I can't believe that son of a bitch would cast a fireball right
here that would get whiter than Nighter and Crunk the Monk and Stan Dandy Liver
and Alphons all right, roll it up. I can't believe it's either.
I a hundred percent can DC fifteen decksterity saying all right, whiter makes it,
damn and Crunk makes it. They still take eight fire damage each.
Does your friend's body start burning there? Does that all them? No?
No, no, I don't think so you have to do damage equal to
like Now, that's just flavor textile. Gotcha? All right? And it
is Crunk the Monk's turn, and she does not look happy, and she
races in I'm sorry. Twenty two to hit twenty two will hit yes,
and they're just rolling like fire tonight and that one and then rolls in nine.
So first is five damage and then she drops another key point kind of
pissed her off, and I'm down cool and you go down and she's like
you out. You see her grinning face over you as you power down.
It's all up to Joyster, it all. Yeah, it's all. It's
all up to uh, um, you know something. We got a few
minutes. Why don't we play this out? I mean no, it all
comes down to, uh, what's his face? Why he goes next?
You know something. I'm just gonna roll his backs and we'll see what happened
there, because I'm probably gonna go down and eight missus And what third does
thirteen hitches? What stab himself? Stab himself to the death to the thirteen
hits for thirteen for nine damage and four? I'm down? All right,
sir? Do you actually roll any stats? Would your sir like ten hit
points and no abilities? I've got a plenty of abilities. It all goes
black ship for the for the party. What yeah, oh well you know
what when you said that, my my uh like my computer, I just
hadn't touched the mouse in a while. It went black. WHOA, well
this is well, it's probably it all went black. So to see the
fate of of the party, as especially Joyce for at the hands of his
family, I guess you'll have to tune in next time on Salty Bastards at
just you know, just the wizard went down before me. That's yeah,
I'm fine. How many times have we had a TPK now with this group?
I guess it's the second one. I was not gonna say third.
Oh yeah, this is the third. Yeah, all got our asses kicked,
squad iron glued. I mean we did go up against basically a counter
party after we'd been worn down in a sewer. Yeah no, no,
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