Welcome to Round three is the Parenting Roundabout podcast for the week of April twenty
four. I'm the Polaritics. I'm here with Terry Morrow. Hello, Thank
Catherine Heleco. Hello. We're mums of teens and young adults. So when
it comes to parenting, we've been there, done that, bought the T
shirt. But we're still waiting for that day when we'll reach the finish line
and have no further need to lay down in a dark room with a wet
rag of our eyes wearing about something or other. Wednesday is complaint Day here
on the Parenting Roundabout, and today we are complaining about sources of tension between
parents and adult kids. So usually we talk about when they're younger, but
now that our children are getting older, what is creating that tension. There's
no tension at all. Everything is fine, perfect, he's getting along.
I was just reading a quick article on how like parenting older children is such
a much It's a much longer duration of time than parenting younger children, yet
we have so much focus on them when they're you know, there's so much
more information on parenting young children than the older children. So we're we're kind
of we're out there in you know, unexplored territory. But there was an
article that this whole tension thing came about from because it was cult sources of
tension between adult children and their parents came from psychology today. And so some
of the sources of tension that this article suggested. And I think this was
a listical, isn't it. I'm not sure? Yeah, say it qualifies
right, um, the assumption of quid pro quo, so meaning that some
parents believe that, by virtue of their involvement in their child's adult life,
must see their child's in their adult child's life, in their adult child's I
work so hard for you and you won't even come to see me all the
things I did for you. I think that's what they're talking about. They
are guaranteed some kind of payback. Yes, disappointment in partner choices, I
can see that. Disagreement with life choices. Criticism of the adults child's child
rearing. Oh gosh, that is one door I don't want to open,
like I just I am so, but you're ready it's gonna swing open all
by itself, isn't it. On? Yeah, I really have really to
do with that. Comparisons and labeling disagreement as disrespectful. Well, okay,
that's just the truth, right, There's there's a lot, yes, and
it's a lot of like basically, mom, let go right, this was
something Terry and I are watching and brothers and yes, yes you can to
all of these, doesn't she? Yes? Right? But yeah, I
think the problem is we've said before, is your child is your project for
so many years, and then you're just supposed to step back and have nothing
to do with it. Anything else like that, you would be expected to
maintain an interest in an active voice, but this you have to just stop.
And it's very hard because you've invested you know, it's it's their life,
but you've also invested a large portion of your life in it, and
so therefore you have an interest in seeing how it turns out. And maybe
the last tweaks will be necessary. But do we really think that, like,
do we really literally think that parenting stops when they turn eighteen? Exactly?
I mean, but I have I have some friends who, you know,
the minute their kids turn eighteen, it was a switch had turned off,
and they now the kids make all of their own deficitions. Like I
was, we were having this conversation and it was around um a topic,
and the parent was saying, you know, I don't know why they're not
giving my child any guidance at school on this topic. And I'm thinking in
my head, no, that's your job. Yeah, I'm going to do
that, right, Yeah, you can't just wash your hands of parenting your
child and they expect that university will take over or right. It's just strange
how I mean, Yeah, but I think society is telling us we should
but should we? Yeah? I think it's confusing these days because there is
such a much longer period of transition from adolescents to adulthood. You know,
it used to be people would get married much younger, including yourself, Nicole.
But you know, if somebody graduates high school, gets married, starts
to having kids, their parents' role in their life is you know, we
still maybe sitting, but you know, the parent could still have opinions,
but the person is outliving their life and they are taken on an adult role.
And now it's sort of like, well, you know, your kids
live at home for fifteen years and then maybe they get married, and it's
like you're still sort of in charge of them, even if they technically are
adults, So even if they're living by themselves, you still feel, I
think there's not as clean a break as I think that they're used to be.
Yea. And so you know, I did leave home, and so
my mom could have her opinions, but it didn't really affect me. But
if I was there all the time, it was very clear it's much more
difficult. So I don't know, I mean with my kids, it's like,
yeah, I'm still they are not independent adults at this particular phase in
time. I still have to have an opinion. I still need to watch
over things, whether I or they want to or not. The world is
not going to teach them, right, Yeah, but from their point of
view, it's shut up mom for sure. Well. And also I think
if you if you look at this list, I mean, it basically applies
to little kids too. I mean not that little kids are getting married and
having children for you to criticize how they're doing that, but you know,
comparing kids to their siblings or to other or their peers, you know,
disappointment in I don't know, like my one of my son's friends is one
of his theater friends. You know, it's like really good at some of
the technical theater stuff and really interested in it, and he wanted to go
to college for it, and his parents were like, no, you can't,
and you will not be paying for your college if you do that,
So change your mind, please, And like, is that a way to
have a relationship with your kid? Yeah, like like maybe have a conversation
like Nicole your dad did about you know, let's think about how this is
gonna go. But but this he could he could have a career in that,
Like that is one of the ways you can make money. Yeah,
So I drifted from what I was saying that that you might experience this with
younger kids too, but um, but yeah, I mean my I think
it's it's certainly hard for parents to adapt to playing a very different role in
their kids' lives, and that's why this is about. But to me,
it's like, I want to have a relationship with my kids, so therefore
I'm going to try not to you know, do these things. Yeah,
right, but it's a challenge and when I fail at quite a lot.
But it's like we've talked about, you know, a problem my daughter had
with a friend taking advantage of her, and fortunately it just entailed her being
out a lot of money. It didn't have any repercussions belong beyond that.
But if I wasn't paying attention, you know, apparently there's some guidance needed.
And but now I don't want to be It's hard to know how to
do that. It's like, how do you mentor your adult child without right
creating a stressful situation? Right? You know, if you see them doing
things that you know are harmful, that is your commentary is not welcome,
but it may be necessary. Yeah, you know, stuff goes too far.
And then you say, why didn't the parents do anything? Why didn't
they say anything? It's like, well, what is our place here?
Yeah? So I would like the opportunity to be that disinterested parents who just
sees them every so often. And you know that sounds that sounds very relaxing.
You know, if that were the case, you would not be I
would not. That is true, That is true, but con visit me.
It is picture they paint of coexisting adults, adult children and parents as
just you know, sort of like friends, sort of like accepting each other,
And that sounds really nice. Wouldn't that be lovely? You could just
go and sit on a deck chair someplace and soak up the sun, and
your children would go out and have successful lives without you, and they would
call every now and then and you would. I don't know, is that
is anybody having that? It sounds lovely. Yeah, they you know,
come with their perfectly chosen partner and they're well parented children, and a nice
time together could happen. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know anybody.
That happens too. And it's like, well, disappointed in partner choices.
That's really bad. You know, you got the cliche of the mom
always hates the husband, is always talking him down, whatever. But on
the other hand, if you see something's going on that's not good, you
can't It's hard to know where the line is between I just don't like him
and I think something bad is happening. Right either way, you do not
have permission to speak, but you need to. I think you're asking a
lot of parents psychology to do that, right. You think you're not actually
there dealing this right experts, experts, But my children, what about comparisons?
Since yeah, I really come from that last week we were comparison the
condari ram. But like say, with relatives or um, does that ever
come up in your conversations, like, oh, your cousin is doing such
and such that not any other thing. I think it was at one time
when they were younger, or I certainly felt that it was and it bothered
me. But now we're off so far off the highway on our little rural
route that the car is going fast on the highway. Go with God,
we can enjoy yourself. Um, it doesn't bother me anymore, right,
it really doesn't. It doesn't bother me at all. Yeah. Yeah,
we didn't have anybody close in age really, so there was none of that.
Yeah that went on, you know, we did. Yeah, my
kids really only have like one first cousin that they that they ever spend any
time with, and um, and she is, you know, just over
a year older than my daughter. So if they're definitely close in age,
yeah, so um, but you know they're different enough that you know,
they just lead very different lives. So yeah, I could see though if
you had a very big family, then a huge family with the cousins,
and I could probably get a bit sticky, right, Yeah, depending on
the person. Let's get older, Like, yeah, like you they just
go and these avastly different paths, so it's really hard to make those comparisons
anyway. Yeah, M, I don't think, but yeah, definitely,
is there anything on there that hasn't an address that causes tension in your husband?
Disagreement? Is disrespectful? Is certainly a thing. I think that's a
valid a validum like reason for there to be tension, you know, Yeah,
I mean it is. Certainly. It works both ways. You know,
if the parent, if the child disagrees, the parent may feel the
child is being disrespectful. But if the parent disagrees, the child may feel
that their independence is not being respected. So both sides should probably knock it
off and good luck with But it also applies in all different you know,
not just apparent child both ways, but all different kinds of different kinds of
relationships and experiences. Yeah, M, And I mean it does. It's
accurate to say that it causes tension. It definitely does. It's like,
I don't know that there is an easy solution because you really can't stop some
of it, right whether and it probably you probably feel it more intensely too,
because you have your children with you like you do, and you know,
I have opinions which are not always welcomed by the young people. See
if if if my young people don't like my opinions, they just don't text
me back. Yeah. Well that's why I think when if you if your
kids are not at home, they can ignore you a lot more easily.
They don't don't feel the invitation to comment quite so much. Nor do you
know everything that's going on. M You might have plenty of comments if you
could see what they were doing all the day time, but you can't,
so you don't. All right, So, yeah, we have an extended
adolescence coming on here. And I think it's also it's also generational, right,
I mean, you know, people of different ages and life experiences have
different and I mean my husband lived at home until we got married, so
he's in his mid thirties, and so he has a frame of reference for
how adults living at home, parents living at home interact with one another that
is not reflected in the way the current generation feels that that should work.
So he's expecting he's falling into the role that his dad had, And his
dad was a very yelly guy, nice man, but made his you know,
opinions known at a high volume. And you know, I know,
I know my husband just who was the kind of guy who laid low,
stayed under the radar, didn't make any trouble, you know, worked,
came home, watched baseball game with his dad, put his money in the
bank, and it was a very low gay thing. You know, his
brother and sister had much more conflicts. So he has a frame of reference
for it that he is expecting his current situation to reflect. Yeah, and
it doesn't. Our kids are very different for various reasons from as by the
way he was, and he's expecting that now he is the one who is
going to be making the rules and getting the respect, and if it doesn't
work out that way, he's unhappy. So and I completely understand that.
I completely see that. But yeah, I think things used to be different
in this regard of these rules. If they cause stress, then you just
dealt with it. Whereas now we respect, we respect everybody's opinions. Now.
Darn it, who was stupid idea? Was that? Psychology? Today?
I blame you? Yes, Well, tomorrow we're going to talk about
how well things are going, So we should probably stop here before we make
that completely impossible and say that that is it For today's Round three? Tune
in tomorrow and will obsess, as I said, about how these adult kids
are doing, and then on Friday to see what we've come up with for
our Roundabout round up picks this week. Find all our episodes of Parenting round
about dot com and talk back in the comments there, on our Facebook page
or on Twitter, where you'll find us at round About check