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Welcome to Round three is the Parenting
Roundabout podcast for the week of April twenty

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four. I'm the Polaritics. I'm
here with Terry Morrow. Hello, Thank

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Catherine Heleco. Hello. We're mums
of teens and young adults. So when

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it comes to parenting, we've been
there, done that, bought the T

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shirt. But we're still waiting for
that day when we'll reach the finish line

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and have no further need to lay
down in a dark room with a wet

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rag of our eyes wearing about something
or other. Wednesday is complaint Day here

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on the Parenting Roundabout, and today
we are complaining about sources of tension between

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parents and adult kids. So usually
we talk about when they're younger, but

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now that our children are getting older, what is creating that tension. There's

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no tension at all. Everything is
fine, perfect, he's getting along.

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I was just reading a quick article
on how like parenting older children is such

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a much It's a much longer duration
of time than parenting younger children, yet

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we have so much focus on them
when they're you know, there's so much

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more information on parenting young children than
the older children. So we're we're kind

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of we're out there in you know, unexplored territory. But there was an

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article that this whole tension thing came
about from because it was cult sources of

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tension between adult children and their parents
came from psychology today. And so some

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of the sources of tension that this
article suggested. And I think this was

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a listical, isn't it. I'm
not sure? Yeah, say it qualifies

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right, um, the assumption of
quid pro quo, so meaning that some

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parents believe that, by virtue of
their involvement in their child's adult life,

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must see their child's in their adult
child's life, in their adult child's I

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work so hard for you and you
won't even come to see me all the

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things I did for you. I
think that's what they're talking about. They

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are guaranteed some kind of payback.
Yes, disappointment in partner choices, I

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can see that. Disagreement with life
choices. Criticism of the adults child's child

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rearing. Oh gosh, that is
one door I don't want to open,

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like I just I am so,
but you're ready it's gonna swing open all

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by itself, isn't it. On? Yeah, I really have really to

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do with that. Comparisons and labeling
disagreement as disrespectful. Well, okay,

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that's just the truth, right,
There's there's a lot, yes, and

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it's a lot of like basically,
mom, let go right, this was

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something Terry and I are watching and
brothers and yes, yes you can to

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all of these, doesn't she?
Yes? Right? But yeah, I

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think the problem is we've said before, is your child is your project for

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so many years, and then you're
just supposed to step back and have nothing

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to do with it. Anything else
like that, you would be expected to

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maintain an interest in an active voice, but this you have to just stop.

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And it's very hard because you've invested
you know, it's it's their life,

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but you've also invested a large portion
of your life in it, and

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so therefore you have an interest in
seeing how it turns out. And maybe

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the last tweaks will be necessary.
But do we really think that, like,

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do we really literally think that parenting
stops when they turn eighteen? Exactly?

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I mean, but I have I
have some friends who, you know,

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the minute their kids turn eighteen,
it was a switch had turned off,

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and they now the kids make all
of their own deficitions. Like I

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was, we were having this conversation
and it was around um a topic,

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and the parent was saying, you
know, I don't know why they're not

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giving my child any guidance at school
on this topic. And I'm thinking in

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my head, no, that's your
job. Yeah, I'm going to do

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that, right, Yeah, you
can't just wash your hands of parenting your

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child and they expect that university will
take over or right. It's just strange

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how I mean, Yeah, but
I think society is telling us we should

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but should we? Yeah? I
think it's confusing these days because there is

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such a much longer period of transition
from adolescents to adulthood. You know,

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it used to be people would get
married much younger, including yourself, Nicole.

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But you know, if somebody graduates
high school, gets married, starts

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to having kids, their parents' role
in their life is you know, we

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still maybe sitting, but you know, the parent could still have opinions,

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but the person is outliving their life
and they are taken on an adult role.

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And now it's sort of like,
well, you know, your kids

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live at home for fifteen years and
then maybe they get married, and it's

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like you're still sort of in charge
of them, even if they technically are

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adults, So even if they're living
by themselves, you still feel, I

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think there's not as clean a break
as I think that they're used to be.

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Yea. And so you know,
I did leave home, and so

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my mom could have her opinions,
but it didn't really affect me. But

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if I was there all the time, it was very clear it's much more

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difficult. So I don't know,
I mean with my kids, it's like,

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yeah, I'm still they are not
independent adults at this particular phase in

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time. I still have to have
an opinion. I still need to watch

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over things, whether I or they
want to or not. The world is

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not going to teach them, right, Yeah, but from their point of

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view, it's shut up mom for
sure. Well. And also I think

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if you if you look at this
list, I mean, it basically applies

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to little kids too. I mean
not that little kids are getting married and

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having children for you to criticize how
they're doing that, but you know,

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comparing kids to their siblings or to
other or their peers, you know,

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disappointment in I don't know, like
my one of my son's friends is one

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of his theater friends. You know, it's like really good at some of

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the technical theater stuff and really interested
in it, and he wanted to go

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to college for it, and his
parents were like, no, you can't,

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and you will not be paying for
your college if you do that,

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So change your mind, please,
And like, is that a way to

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have a relationship with your kid?
Yeah, like like maybe have a conversation

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like Nicole your dad did about you
know, let's think about how this is

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gonna go. But but this he
could he could have a career in that,

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Like that is one of the ways
you can make money. Yeah,

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So I drifted from what I was
saying that that you might experience this with

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younger kids too, but um,
but yeah, I mean my I think

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it's it's certainly hard for parents to
adapt to playing a very different role in

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their kids' lives, and that's why
this is about. But to me,

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it's like, I want to have
a relationship with my kids, so therefore

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I'm going to try not to you
know, do these things. Yeah,

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right, but it's a challenge and
when I fail at quite a lot.

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But it's like we've talked about,
you know, a problem my daughter had

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with a friend taking advantage of her, and fortunately it just entailed her being

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out a lot of money. It
didn't have any repercussions belong beyond that.

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But if I wasn't paying attention,
you know, apparently there's some guidance needed.

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And but now I don't want to
be It's hard to know how to

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do that. It's like, how
do you mentor your adult child without right

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creating a stressful situation? Right?
You know, if you see them doing

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things that you know are harmful,
that is your commentary is not welcome,

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but it may be necessary. Yeah, you know, stuff goes too far.

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And then you say, why didn't
the parents do anything? Why didn't

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they say anything? It's like,
well, what is our place here?

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Yeah? So I would like the
opportunity to be that disinterested parents who just

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sees them every so often. And
you know that sounds that sounds very relaxing.

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You know, if that were the
case, you would not be I

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would not. That is true,
That is true, but con visit me.

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It is picture they paint of coexisting
adults, adult children and parents as

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just you know, sort of like
friends, sort of like accepting each other,

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And that sounds really nice. Wouldn't
that be lovely? You could just

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go and sit on a deck chair
someplace and soak up the sun, and

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your children would go out and have
successful lives without you, and they would

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call every now and then and you
would. I don't know, is that

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is anybody having that? It sounds
lovely. Yeah, they you know,

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come with their perfectly chosen partner and
they're well parented children, and a nice

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time together could happen. Yeah,
I don't know. I don't know anybody.

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That happens too. And it's like, well, disappointed in partner choices.

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That's really bad. You know,
you got the cliche of the mom

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always hates the husband, is always
talking him down, whatever. But on

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the other hand, if you see
something's going on that's not good, you

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can't It's hard to know where the
line is between I just don't like him

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and I think something bad is happening. Right either way, you do not

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have permission to speak, but you
need to. I think you're asking a

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lot of parents psychology to do that, right. You think you're not actually

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there dealing this right experts, experts, But my children, what about comparisons?

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Since yeah, I really come from
that last week we were comparison the

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condari ram. But like say,
with relatives or um, does that ever

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come up in your conversations, like, oh, your cousin is doing such

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and such that not any other thing. I think it was at one time

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when they were younger, or I
certainly felt that it was and it bothered

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me. But now we're off so
far off the highway on our little rural

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route that the car is going fast
on the highway. Go with God,

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we can enjoy yourself. Um,
it doesn't bother me anymore, right,

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it really doesn't. It doesn't bother
me at all. Yeah. Yeah,

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we didn't have anybody close in age
really, so there was none of that.

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Yeah that went on, you know, we did. Yeah, my

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kids really only have like one first
cousin that they that they ever spend any

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time with, and um, and
she is, you know, just over

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a year older than my daughter.
So if they're definitely close in age,

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yeah, so um, but you
know they're different enough that you know,

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they just lead very different lives.
So yeah, I could see though if

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you had a very big family,
then a huge family with the cousins,

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and I could probably get a bit
sticky, right, Yeah, depending on

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the person. Let's get older,
Like, yeah, like you they just

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go and these avastly different paths,
so it's really hard to make those comparisons

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anyway. Yeah, M, I
don't think, but yeah, definitely,

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is there anything on there that hasn't
an address that causes tension in your husband?

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Disagreement? Is disrespectful? Is certainly
a thing. I think that's a

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valid a validum like reason for there
to be tension, you know, Yeah,

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I mean it is. Certainly.
It works both ways. You know,

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if the parent, if the child
disagrees, the parent may feel the

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child is being disrespectful. But if
the parent disagrees, the child may feel

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that their independence is not being respected. So both sides should probably knock it

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off and good luck with But it
also applies in all different you know,

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not just apparent child both ways,
but all different kinds of different kinds of

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relationships and experiences. Yeah, M, And I mean it does. It's

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accurate to say that it causes tension. It definitely does. It's like,

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I don't know that there is an
easy solution because you really can't stop some

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of it, right whether and it
probably you probably feel it more intensely too,

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because you have your children with you
like you do, and you know,

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I have opinions which are not always
welcomed by the young people. See

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if if if my young people don't
like my opinions, they just don't text

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me back. Yeah. Well that's
why I think when if you if your

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kids are not at home, they
can ignore you a lot more easily.

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They don't don't feel the invitation to
comment quite so much. Nor do you

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know everything that's going on. M
You might have plenty of comments if you

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could see what they were doing all
the day time, but you can't,

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so you don't. All right,
So, yeah, we have an extended

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adolescence coming on here. And I
think it's also it's also generational, right,

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I mean, you know, people
of different ages and life experiences have

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different and I mean my husband lived
at home until we got married, so

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he's in his mid thirties, and
so he has a frame of reference for

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how adults living at home, parents
living at home interact with one another that

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is not reflected in the way the
current generation feels that that should work.

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So he's expecting he's falling into the
role that his dad had, And his

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dad was a very yelly guy,
nice man, but made his you know,

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opinions known at a high volume.
And you know, I know,

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I know my husband just who was
the kind of guy who laid low,

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stayed under the radar, didn't make
any trouble, you know, worked,

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came home, watched baseball game with
his dad, put his money in the

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bank, and it was a very
low gay thing. You know, his

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brother and sister had much more conflicts. So he has a frame of reference

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for it that he is expecting his
current situation to reflect. Yeah, and

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it doesn't. Our kids are very
different for various reasons from as by the

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way he was, and he's expecting
that now he is the one who is

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going to be making the rules and
getting the respect, and if it doesn't

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work out that way, he's unhappy. So and I completely understand that.

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I completely see that. But yeah, I think things used to be different

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in this regard of these rules.
If they cause stress, then you just

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dealt with it. Whereas now we
respect, we respect everybody's opinions. Now.

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Darn it, who was stupid idea? Was that? Psychology? Today?

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I blame you? Yes, Well, tomorrow we're going to talk about

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how well things are going, So
we should probably stop here before we make

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that completely impossible and say that that
is it For today's Round three? Tune

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in tomorrow and will obsess, as
I said, about how these adult kids

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are doing, and then on Friday
to see what we've come up with for

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our Roundabout round up picks this week. Find all our episodes of Parenting round

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about dot com and talk back in
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