Comedy Central Podcast. Good night, good night. You have to be original.
Even traveling, many people go to London to learn English. Not me,
I' m original. I' ve been living in Siberia for three
years. And in Siberia life is different. One morning I say good tonight
for a drink, so nothing. It was daylight. Was it daylight?
Was it daylight? Was it daylight? It was day to drink something at
night in Siberia and a dick in Siberia is six months in a row day
and six months in a row at night. The fifth month in a row
of day my father called me, says Dani how about and me with a
dream that you shit here the sunrise lasts two months. The aphonic cocks,
a cold in Siberia, a cold, the penguins with scarf sucking thermometers.
I' m wearing the Trevibal mp shivering. I' m going to ombar.
I go to a bar I say give me a bottle of water,
water tells me about the weather. Johnny de Coña, impressive not to sleep
six months, had some shiners. I had no shiners, my eyes were
underlined and they say. He looks rested. I say no, I look
tired, I look like another son of a pushy shoemaker. There' s
no room for me. There is no atmosphere in Siberia, no one echoes
their own affairs. I mean, I' m going somewhere where there'
s atmosphere or something. I went to China. In China they are an
egg in China you go down the street walking and you get stuck. Besides,
the bastards, well, they' re really weird, but what are
you gonna expect from a guy who' s born with an amber face?
No. In addition, the bastards adapt us to our language. They don
' t adapt. The other day I run into one, say hello,
tell me six and what you' re worth. Then I was in Asterdan.
I don' t remember anything, because I' m usual. I
started smoking too. Well, I went out of shop windows, didn'
t buy anything I rented and then went to see my brother, who lives
in America. He works at NASA. The other day he calls me,
says Dan, and they' re gonna kick me out of NASA and I
' m gonna kick you out of NASA. Normal, there' s not
the rocket- throwing thing, but, well, that' s fine.
That thing about us Spaniards going around the world. You' ve seen that
Spanish show all over the world. You' ve seen it, because screwing
you up isn' t going to be much more episodes either, because there
aren' t so many Spaniards around the world either. However, a million
episodes of Romanians have already been shot by Spain. The good thing about traveling.
Many who see a lot of celebrities and are the same as the Spanish,
the famous foreigners. It' s been a bunch of regular celebrities and
assholes. Normals are normal. The assholes wear sunglasses from between an airport.
For example, the captain of Madrid Gaul does not wear glasses. A normal
guy pantoja a glasses. So every time you stop at a traffic light,
yonkeye cleans them, then there are people who don' t asshole, but
with eternal sunglasses. That French matías parents and man who was born at the
age of sixty- three has always been sixty years older than transmitting football and
bulls, bulls and football. In the end, the pot went away.
I listen to her wearing butragueño or black, bragao, cornibleto astifino, obisco
of the left python of the livestock of Real Madrid. I' m not
famous, but I' m an asshole. Yeah, I can see ways.
The other day I went to a party, with a white wig,
with a cane, with a handkerchief on my neck and reciting poems. They
told me I had to go for the gala and the amazing. I remember
that party. I remember that party. At that party, I ate a
Galician empanada It was delicious. The Galician empanada was called Virginia de Vigo.
My grandmother told me, children, this good fucks you travez ylla granny,
granny, where it says g granny, I have an older grandmother, tells
me son, ale case to achieve franes do not fail everything. They'
re telling the truth. I, as if an innocent man believed her They
say, for example, that it' s better to try what strength.
I agree. That' s why, in the end, I' ll
finish it off with one from Zaragoza, because it' s easier to get
to Zaragoza. Tona de Zaragoza you call her a wench, you feel like
it, she says fuck Auntie. This guy' s got the way.
You tell one of Madrid and the fuck is small. The humor to jiff
To me it is that the humor that I like the most is the intelligent
humor, because always you are well, the one that is smart is dissing
and the one that does not get the grace is getting even more dissing so
that the others do not think it is silly. But I, because I
' m not very smart, don' t know how to make that mood.
In all families there is a member who is a bit of a dick.
I had the bad luck that touched me already I could see ways as
small. My father told me what beautiful eyes you have and I came with
my head when I became funny. He wanted me to be a billionaire.
I was told Dani and the situation is a hundred euros plus the hotel and
I fucking and the 200 euros for expenses. The hotel I sell. Then
the school went very badly, although if I think about it, the school
is not worth anything, not at all. The other day I go to
a video club and I watch porn movie three euros and period and he'
s already in school. I threw myself four years saying how much X is
worth. They told me who Ramón y Cajal was and I gamón a Spaniard
who agajan no fucking ideas. I wasn' t good at it. The
school, however, approved why. It' s very simple, because the
teachers, especially the English teacher, liked me so much, and I noticed
it. I said to Dan and you know how he says nose in English
and I don' t know and he says good you lack pronunciation and suspension,
because it wasn' t that bad, because the day they gave you
the notes where I lived, the day they gave you the notes, that
day they opened the bars in the morning and for every suspense they invited you
to a cubata that my father Dani told me, how about the notes and
I fucking, free bar with this shit to cover with a schoolboy. They
pictured my jobs as shit,' cause it sucks. I loved writing,
but they didn' t publish anything to me. My poems talked about life
itself. I have that one that says if you enter a ship in lights
and it' s not December or January it' s clear, it'
s not Christmas. The bar' s a potter, and if that ugly
guy' s hooking up with you, you don' t think the ugly
guy' s cute, it' s a house. Good bitches. I
just haven' t. I' m Daniel Fontecha, you' ll beat
him 30 years old and a whore who doesn' t fuck. I'
m kidding, not if you win him well. Ap Despite all this,
despite all this, I had a girlfriend because there' s something I do
know and many guys don' t know. Today I know and it doesn
' t fail. I know when you' re dwelling on an aunt,
it doesn' t fail. They are cool or not depending on the kiss
they write to you in the mobile message. They have a scale of importance.
If they put you on, see you, get past you, see
you, it means good, I like you, you' re nice,
but what they think is go fuck yourself. We went up on a scale
b sse they have invented them in vowels for arraigning, which is not bothering
me to put a good aus. You didn' t come in original I
' m sending you a kiss for looking good, but they' re thinking
go fuck yourself. We went up phase kiss with an o, the same
thing that there is a kiss coffee and here are songs. They have invented
it they m a k moas with one more, with three ace and six
ace muachco and admirations. The other one of an aunt put moascos six ace
and admirations and in the half hour we were fucking. Plus she put her
boyfriend Kari. I can' t meet today. See you, by the
way, for a sub- paragraph. There are more and more spelling failures
to shorten because of mobile messages. There are more and more misspellings. So
I' m asking, please, from here for more control over the subject.
Well, then, yes, then? Yeah? Well, yeah?
Thank you. I don' t recommend online flirting because you' re being
fooled, man. Take an aunt without a picture. I was saying I
' m brunette and athletic. In the end it was Morena, but fat
athletic. And I don' t want to be cruel. I don'
t want to be cruel. If a pretty fat one, it' s
pretty, but if an ugly fat one, no, no, because there
' s fat ones in the gut. It tells the ztas what' s
going to happen. That' s not it either. That' s not
it either. I told my girlfriend the chubby, the zepelin. And that
day, to top it off, I have a car accident. He had
a car accident here I get serious. I, on July 4th last year,
had a car accident. I was going with my bm ub leaves drinking
by the m forty eight turns of bell. I fell on my feet and
nothing happened to me. I got a cop. He tells me we'
re taking him to the hospital. I' m really fine. It tells
me that you' re okay, you say so, because in an accident
there are people who say they' re okay and then they' re blown
up inside. I thought what. Son of a bitch I insist we go
to the hospital that besides I' m married. I finish my shift and
my wife is home alone. I ah you' re married and you say
yes, I am that your wife is alone at home. He says yes,
I say well, that' s what you say, Jah, that
' s what you say. Maybe you' re not alone and someone'
s blowing it up through Entraajjhahahahahahaha. I had a bunch of car problems.
The other day it happened to me with the car, the same as to
Lord Beatle. If I were to die to lingostar, I ran out of
battery. Unbelievable I get stopped by the police and says put the papers down.
I' ve lost them at the drink bar that I didn' t
hesitate and I don' t hesitate. I mean, he' s not
this cop, by the way. I sewed and I pull the thread,
get pissed and get out of the car low. He gives me a little
white plastic and tells me to blow until I say it already. My question
is when they make you blow. When the fuck he gets there, he
never gets there. I started blowing like a platoon his old days, a
dizzying blow I swear I don' t get a drink and say nine.
You call me stop stop and that' s it. We' re going
to immobilize the vehicle. I' m going to immobilize the vehicle. I
keep looking at him, I say what hair, you have to wear to
see him in incredible motion. When thank you, thank you very much.
I' m not messing with people much anymore. I' ve had enough
with my family. My father hasn' t done very well in his life
either. His first job was on the subway that they told my mother what
a deal with the job and he said good on his line had we had
very little money, we bought some shitty steaks, a few nerves. My
mother, in seeing you potatoes, would put us in valiums and buy glass
yogurts and then take advantage of the container as a glass. Then my mother
started getting more money from the drownings and started buying glasses. It was and
when I started drinking by a tube. I drink a lot. I have
a lot of problems with drunkenness, yes, I drink a lot. I
was invited to a shot the other day. They tell me what you want
it about and I' ll take coke tail in a ball cup, so
don' t bring me ice. I know it' s a shot,
I do. I have a lot of shows with the Borgacheras and also with
the r yando whore well, yes, yes so much they have noticed.
It' s a bitch. It' s a bitch. I don'
t pronounce it, because if I had the dough in the car that'
s cool with a Roice roll, I can' t buy it. The
only car he buys me in my life I say the ranger Robert, the
commercial jajajacá paca, I say fuck me, give me the panda. If
I' m out Wisky, I don' t like it because I don
' t ask for rum less, I' m lucky I' m not
Don Juan Carlos first, if I wouldn' t be the gay of Spain.
Of course I met her at a bar in Majorca. Al wanted to
go unnoticed, but he didn' t make it. I asked for a
little bitter in a little crown. I drink bitterca. Yes, I am
I' m going to Siberia. I' m original and I also see
bitercas. Nobody drinks it. If the glassware talked, I' d give
him coke. I' m your menstruation. Anyway, he smoked a lot,
too. I smoke more than philosophers. But there are people who smoked
more than philosophers, cartoon writers. Those people did smoke. For example,
Hediy' s screenwriter who made Peter and Heidie clear in short Manga in the
Alps. My sister loved Heydi. I have a smaller sister. He never
cooks. The other day I said a paella and burned it 18 years.
She' s past her drop, and then there' s my mother,
that my mother, like all mothers, has mother phrases. They don'
t have a chip that, even if they can talk about it, they
already have mother phrases. Gilipollices of the caliber of you choke and tells you
that you' ve gone the other way. What' s the other side?
What' s the other side? I don' t know what the
other side is anymore, but eating. What' s the other side?
What' s the other side? There' s no other side. Or
it' s very good they give the melon at night it hurts. Let
' s see what I say if you say it, daughter, why the
hell does the melon in the night hurt? I mean, I imagine the
antibodies in there making his life, something comes in because of the esophagus,
you who comes in with a piece of steak, hellish creed, who doesn
' t fucking, who loses shit, who comes in with a melon that
time is nine. But I will not see by day, so come and
give us a muse. I could say and he said hear my mother,
and then there' s my grandmother, my grandmother who speaks for her elbows
and I' m all normal. The other day I said my grandmother was
talking about her elbows. There' s a Ijo coming up on the stage.
He tells me it' s scientifically impossible for your grandmother to speak for
her elbows. I' ll, then leave me alone. Time progresses,
and my grandmother says, son, time progresses, technology progresses, but there
are things that don' t change. Look at the toilet paper. I
just kept thinking about it I mean, my abulilla. He' s right,
because I wonder what' s going on in the 21st century. There
' s everything about toilet paper, toilet paper, no, what about the
first run of toilet paper, which we all premiered. Cut the middle to
the right. Maybe you take one layer out of the middle to the left,
two, it doesn' t match. Keep pulling the middle for the
right, three layers of the middle for the left, five don' t
match. Come on another lap. Seven layers to the right, eighteen to
the left, twenty- three layers to the right twenty- eight to the
left, until in the end you say pussy that I have to clean you
stick my finger. You get it out. On the other side, you
pull to match. You cut the ball that you pull weighs half a roll.
Fuck me. Every time I release a roll, I end up cleaning
with the cardboard and awesome. Well, I' ve had a lot of
diarrhea problems this week. I' ve taken pills. I didn' t
think of it in the end I' ve seen the solution. I ate
a hundred and three hundred euro notes so I wouldn' t shit loose.
Like I didn' t miss it. Seen a crucifix. I mean,
there' s the solution. I took the crucifix. San Pancracio was like
this. I took the crucifix, took off San Pancracio from the crucifix and
stuck a finger of San Pancracio up my ass. Hey, Santo' s
hand. It' s been a pleasure. Dani put on chaor ciero.
Good night, thank you so much and never go out in the morning.
Good night.