WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:11.279 This is Pod Populi podcast for the people, The Greatest Love Debate. It's 2 00:00:11.279 --> 00:00:17.640 the Greatest Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate. 3 00:00:18.039 --> 00:00:21.719 Hi again, everyone's Brian Howie. Welcome to The Great Love Debate, 4 00:00:21.719 --> 00:00:26.640 the world's number one dating and relationship podcasts. It's twenty fifteen little special episode 5 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:28.440 today. So first of all, I want to give you guys a heads 6 00:00:28.519 --> 00:00:33.280 up. I am recording this in the onset of summer and as you guys 7 00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:39.039 know, each year we do a different theme on our annual Summer Love in 8 00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:45.159 mailbag, and this year we are doing summer activities in summer sports. So 9 00:00:45.200 --> 00:00:48.159 if you have a boyfriend or a husband that likes to do something in the 10 00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:51.719 summer that drives you crazy, or if you have a girlfriend that does something 11 00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:56.159 only in the summer that you don't understand, shoot us an email Great Love 12 00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:59.359 Debate at gmail dot com. We are going to tackle that on the next 13 00:00:59.439 --> 00:01:03.159 episode. All of your summer and that could be anything from barbecue habits to 14 00:01:04.560 --> 00:01:08.359 corn home, So send those along and we're gonna break open the annual Summer 15 00:01:08.359 --> 00:01:12.159 Love in Mayo Bag on the next episode this one. So the thing that 16 00:01:12.239 --> 00:01:19.920 comes up the most at our shows and emails, and I did a whole 17 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:23.079 episode on it about two years ago, and that is the subject of ghosting, 18 00:01:23.439 --> 00:01:27.159 and I have my own personal philosophy on that, and I've heard from 19 00:01:27.159 --> 00:01:34.439 you over and over and over. So rather than revisit it, I wanted 20 00:01:34.439 --> 00:01:37.280 to run that episode as like a best of which. Don't call me lazy. 21 00:01:37.319 --> 00:01:38.560 I haven't run out of things to talk about, but people keep asking 22 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:42.280 me about it. I guessed it on a podcast about it about a week 23 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:44.000 ago, and I'm like, you know what, let me go and see 24 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:48.120 if that episode that I did still holds up. I don't even know which 25 00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:49.519 episode it is, so I don't want you to go back crawling through the 26 00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:53.439 animals and the archives to try and find it. So I'm gonna run it 27 00:01:53.480 --> 00:01:57.359 again. I believe it still holds up. I believe it's still important. 28 00:01:57.400 --> 00:02:02.640 I believe my philosophy on ghosting and and everybody's seeking closure still holds up. 29 00:02:02.680 --> 00:02:12.639 So without further ado, here you go. As I mentioned previously on a 30 00:02:12.680 --> 00:02:19.000 bunch of episodes, I'm sure I devour a ton of news every day, 31 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:23.360 every single day. It drives me nuts to not know what's going on from 32 00:02:23.360 --> 00:02:27.280 all sorts of sources. I like to know what's happening. I like to 33 00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:30.439 feel in the loop. I don't like the feeling of something happening without me 34 00:02:30.520 --> 00:02:36.840 knowing about it, or being involved in it, or more importantly, having 35 00:02:36.840 --> 00:02:40.520 an opinion on it. My worst nightmare is having somebody ask me something and 36 00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:46.800 not have three hundred very well thought out and eloquent words in the holster ready 37 00:02:46.800 --> 00:02:50.919 to fire back at them. But, as you're probably aware, whether you 38 00:02:50.960 --> 00:02:58.039 are a keen observer of current events or not, news stories, especially in 39 00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:02.680 a clickbait culture that we live in, they tend to either be fabricated or 40 00:03:02.759 --> 00:03:09.639 exaggerated to get attention. So a writer, blogger, reporter, alleged journalist, 41 00:03:09.719 --> 00:03:15.159 they may hear of something happening once or two people engaging in something or 42 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:16.560 some activity, and suddenly it shows up in the New York Times as a 43 00:03:16.599 --> 00:03:21.400 trend. This is the hottest trend or the latest trend, and it's really 44 00:03:21.400 --> 00:03:23.960 not a trend. It's a couple of people doing it, and the journalists 45 00:03:23.199 --> 00:03:25.599 journalists is like, well, I see a story here, and suddenly it's 46 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:29.560 in New York Times, and millions of people believe something is a trend. 47 00:03:29.560 --> 00:03:32.080 When it's really just two people in Brooklyn doing something that nobody else is doing. 48 00:03:32.960 --> 00:03:37.080 It's not a trend if nobody ever heard of it, and almost nobody 49 00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:45.639 is engaging in it. And because media outlets absolutely love the dating and sex 50 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:52.080 and relationship stuff, which is very good for our business, obviously, excuse 51 00:03:52.120 --> 00:03:58.759 me, they tend to latch onto every half baked term or talking point and 52 00:03:58.800 --> 00:04:01.719 they try and spin it as a trend. So I think that started. 53 00:04:01.759 --> 00:04:08.080 I think the first one was cuffing a few years ago, which then turned 54 00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:13.439 into cuffing season, and that turned into a more mainstream term used to describe 55 00:04:13.439 --> 00:04:17.720 how you simply could go out at night in Chicago in the summertime and you 56 00:04:17.759 --> 00:04:21.399 couldn't anymore because the weather turned miserable, so you might as well just took 57 00:04:21.480 --> 00:04:26.480 up with your neighbor or make your neighbor your girlfriend or boyfriend for three months 58 00:04:27.240 --> 00:04:30.079 till the thought comes okay. So they labeled a term for an activity that 59 00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:32.839 was not a trend. It was something that people had always been doing, 60 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:38.399 but somebody put a label on it. So the word cuffing it actually had 61 00:04:38.439 --> 00:04:43.279 some behavioral significance, and it, for better or worse, has stuck. 62 00:04:44.639 --> 00:04:48.240 Cat fishing. That's another term that didn't really exist fifteen years ago. It 63 00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:54.879 gained some significance in traction as online dating began to grow, because people were 64 00:04:54.920 --> 00:05:00.480 obviously hiding behind fake personnas and profiles. But then it got this bigger societal 65 00:05:00.519 --> 00:05:05.519 stamp of approval when MTV decided to do a show about it. Okay, 66 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:09.720 you want to get the mainstream culture. MTV is going to do a show 67 00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:16.120 about it. But then we got into these these little microbehaviors, and I 68 00:05:16.240 --> 00:05:21.120 get called to do interviews about them or comment on them all the time because 69 00:05:21.160 --> 00:05:26.439 of, you know, the status of this show, and people think I 70 00:05:26.480 --> 00:05:28.720 have something to say, So I get asked about them, and they ask 71 00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:30.959 me, and they'll email me or they'll call me and say, you want 72 00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:38.199 to come on and talk about kitten fishing or fleabagging. And then when the 73 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:42.800 reporter asked me these things, my answer is some variation on that's nothing. 74 00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:46.920 That's not a real thing. That's somebody sitting in a room and try to 75 00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:51.040 come up with something clever to add to the modern vocabulary. They want to 76 00:05:51.079 --> 00:05:59.160 be somehow some sort of nomenclature trend setter, and it's really just I'm trying 77 00:05:59.160 --> 00:06:00.480 to be super clever, and I'm trying to get out front, and I'm 78 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:06.040 trying to label something that's just normal behavior. And a huge percentage of these 79 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:12.480 terms tend to fall under the auspices of a term that didn't have a name 80 00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:17.839 twenty years ago, but certainly the behavior did and has been around for millions 81 00:06:17.879 --> 00:06:20.759 of years, or at least as long as we have been around, and 82 00:06:20.839 --> 00:06:27.000 that is ghosting. So that's where we're going to take a deep dive today. 83 00:06:27.399 --> 00:06:35.360 I want to give you sort of the definitive definition and explanation of what 84 00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:43.079 it is, when it matters, why it doesn't, and most importantly, 85 00:06:43.439 --> 00:06:46.480 how to get over it. So let's start there. Since Adam and Eve, 86 00:06:47.279 --> 00:06:54.040 there's always been a situation where somebody just didn't like somebody anymore and there 87 00:06:54.120 --> 00:07:00.560 was no goodbye, there's no neat ending, no movie style tier parting. 88 00:07:00.600 --> 00:07:04.040 It was simply that was that, and for millions of years it was actually 89 00:07:04.079 --> 00:07:10.199 sort of fine. I'm sort of bullish on ghosting. People think I'm kind 90 00:07:10.199 --> 00:07:12.759 of a dick about it, but I think if you don't want to see 91 00:07:12.759 --> 00:07:15.319 someone again, or somebody just want to see you anymore, oh well that's 92 00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:18.879 it, and just quitting it cold turkey is not the worst thing in the 93 00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:24.639 world. We didn't used to be such babies about it. You didn't used 94 00:07:24.680 --> 00:07:27.680 to have to call somebody who you went out with a handful of times and 95 00:07:27.839 --> 00:07:31.160 very politely explain to them that you don't like them. And that just seems 96 00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:35.120 weird to me. I don't want somebody politely telling me they don't like me. 97 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:39.759 You're basically putting a little polish on something very it's the old lipstick on 98 00:07:39.800 --> 00:07:42.399 a pig, Like you don't like me is really the nugget here. I 99 00:07:42.399 --> 00:07:45.600 don't care how politely you tell me or don't tell me. You know, 100 00:07:45.720 --> 00:07:50.160 back in the day, fifteen years ago, ten years ago, you simply 101 00:07:50.199 --> 00:07:55.480 didn't call them back, or you didn't call them again. Don't call us, 102 00:07:55.560 --> 00:08:00.680 we'll call you. And honestly, that was absolutely fucking fine. And 103 00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:03.600 in the days and the dates before, you were actually in a committed relationship 104 00:08:03.879 --> 00:08:09.000 exclusively dating boyfriend and girlfriend, whatever you want to call it, you could 105 00:08:09.040 --> 00:08:13.399 and you can pull the parachute whenever you want, however you want. That's 106 00:08:13.439 --> 00:08:18.680 how I feel about it, especially the ladies. You aren't feeling it. 107 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:22.879 You see red flags, you don't feel entirely comfortable and you're not completely into 108 00:08:22.959 --> 00:08:24.399 him. Fuck him, you don't know him. A phone call or a 109 00:08:24.480 --> 00:08:30.480 text or a farewell you can delete or block or move on without a second 110 00:08:30.480 --> 00:08:35.440 thought or a moment's notice. Because guys can be dicks, and they don't 111 00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:39.440 take rejection well, and they don't take no easily, and they can be 112 00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:41.840 manipulative, and it's sometimes not worth the headache when he doesn't want to hear 113 00:08:41.879 --> 00:08:46.399 your explanation anyway, he doesn't want to hear your polite I just don't think 114 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:50.000 it's a fit. You owe him nothing. Boop, goodbye. And guys, 115 00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:54.200 you owe her nothing. This person that you went out with once or 116 00:08:54.240 --> 00:08:58.799 twice or three times before, this sort of pre relationship status, not a 117 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:03.240 she isn't your girlfriend, not if you haven't gotten anywhere, that's anything in 118 00:09:03.320 --> 00:09:09.519 terms of relationship. And as we talked about add infinitum on this show, 119 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:16.960 there is no such thing as closure. Things don't end neatly. You're never 120 00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:18.639 going to get the answer you want when you want it. I would rather 121 00:09:18.679 --> 00:09:22.960 have somebody lie to me than tell me they don't like me. What would 122 00:09:22.960 --> 00:09:28.360 you rather hear? I don't think this is a connection which is the truth 123 00:09:28.799 --> 00:09:33.000 or listen, I am so attracted to you, I will never be able 124 00:09:33.039 --> 00:09:35.559 to get my work done and I'll lose my job because of thinking about you 125 00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:39.039 all day. Give me that one, give me the second one, give 126 00:09:39.080 --> 00:09:41.559 me the lie all day long. I feel great about myself if you just 127 00:09:41.559 --> 00:09:46.200 give me that response. But basically, you're asking somebody to bullshit you, 128 00:09:46.399 --> 00:09:50.960 so asking for one extra piece of bullshit at a person that's not necessarily better 129 00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:54.960 either. When did we get to this point? How did we get to 130 00:09:56.000 --> 00:10:00.320 the point where we had to tell somebody that we didn't like them. We 131 00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:05.000 spend a ton of time on this podcast talking about ways to communicate that you 132 00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:11.720 are into someone that our signals are not getting picked up on. The reason 133 00:10:11.960 --> 00:10:16.519 we spend less time on telling people that you don't like them is, honestly, 134 00:10:16.679 --> 00:10:22.759 who fucking cares? Who cares? Why do you need to know to 135 00:10:22.840 --> 00:10:28.759 satisfy your curiosity? Here is your answer, and you can plug and play 136 00:10:28.879 --> 00:10:31.840 or copy and paste whatever you want to do with this. Here's your answer 137 00:10:31.879 --> 00:10:33.360 of why you haven't heard from them anymore. They just didn't like you enough, 138 00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:39.399 They didn't like you the old They're just not into you. Oh well, 139 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:45.000 too bad. The end. That's it. Dating is not neat. 140 00:10:45.519 --> 00:10:50.840 Things are always messy and fraught with bad communication, especially early on, and 141 00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:54.480 online dating has made it worse. Not that you're less likely to make a 142 00:10:54.480 --> 00:10:58.120 true connection that way. I have come around on that, and I think 143 00:10:58.159 --> 00:11:01.720 you're just as likely to make a true connect in that way because eventually that 144 00:11:01.919 --> 00:11:05.000 how you met is going to move offline and move somewhere out. So you're 145 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:09.159 not less likely to make a true connection that way. But the whole online 146 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:18.240 dating landscape is set up with a distancing, a technological barrier of protection between 147 00:11:18.320 --> 00:11:22.120 you. We hide on the way in and we hide on the way out. 148 00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:28.120 That's the way we are. I care a lot more about us hiding 149 00:11:28.440 --> 00:11:31.360 on the way in, because hiding on the way in takes you out of 150 00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:35.159 the chance the game and doesn't give you as many chances or possibilities. If 151 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:39.360 you're hiding on the way out. I don't care nearly as much because that's 152 00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:48.240 the way it is. It's over safini, so we're not close to say 153 00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:52.559 elfin finito, but we do have to take a quick break, and then 154 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:58.600 we'll get into how to do it and how to deal with it right after 155 00:11:58.039 --> 00:12:09.240 this, and we are back, and before you get all he's such a 156 00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:16.879 dick. Brian is such a cold, unfeeling bastard, especially you gen zers 157 00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:22.600 and you sensitive young millennials out there. We did come up with something that 158 00:12:22.679 --> 00:12:28.399 seems to work for everyone when it comes to parting ways amicably. If you 159 00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:33.759 don't like someone, or you don't like them enough, you need to handle 160 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:37.519 it Shark Tank style. And I know all you guys watch Shark Tank because 161 00:12:37.559 --> 00:12:41.279 you have all you all have some terrible idea for a product that won't change 162 00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:46.799 the world. It won't, I'm sorry, and you simply turn on your 163 00:12:46.399 --> 00:12:52.080 hidden mister Wonderful and say, I like you, but I'm not feeling it, 164 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:56.840 and for that reason I'm out. Okay, just like they do on 165 00:12:56.879 --> 00:12:58.279 the show. I like you, I'm not feeling it, and for that 166 00:12:58.360 --> 00:13:03.799 reason I'm out on Shark Tank. When that happens, the contestants, they 167 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:07.399 simply nod their head, they take their medicine, and that is it. 168 00:13:07.399 --> 00:13:11.440 It's clean, it's quick, it's neat, and it doesn't require any more 169 00:13:11.639 --> 00:13:16.240 explanation beyond that. The Shark Tank contestants aren't like wait, no, mister 170 00:13:16.320 --> 00:13:18.080 Cubean, you don't understand the revenue model. No, that's it. It's 171 00:13:18.120 --> 00:13:24.480 done, game set match. So my shark Tank one liner probably would work 172 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:30.399 most of the time. But sometimes life and love and dating doesn't fit into 173 00:13:30.399 --> 00:13:35.600 a neat package, no matter how clever and practical you're thinking is. So, 174 00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:39.399 let me back up a tad and explain further. When do you owe 175 00:13:39.440 --> 00:13:48.600 somebody something? And the short answer is still almost never. If it's somebody 176 00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:52.600 you've been messaging with online and then suddenly you don't want to or you meet 177 00:13:52.639 --> 00:13:56.759 somebody else, do you owe that person you were messaging with a formal goodbye? 178 00:13:58.039 --> 00:14:01.399 No, you do not. And if they need a formal goodbye, 179 00:14:01.480 --> 00:14:05.240 the person's fucked up and you shouldn't have been dating him in the first place. 180 00:14:05.000 --> 00:14:09.200 If you went out for drinks with someone and the next day you decide 181 00:14:09.639 --> 00:14:11.399 it wasn't that great, do you owe that person a phone call to tell 182 00:14:11.440 --> 00:14:16.360 them? No, you do not. If you went out to dinner with 183 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:20.639 someone where one of you and I, God, I certainly hope it was 184 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:24.759 him spent I don't know one hundred and forty bucks and three hours of time. 185 00:14:26.440 --> 00:14:28.879 Do you owe them a text or call to say you don't want to 186 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:31.120 do it again? No, you do not, but you do owe them 187 00:14:31.120 --> 00:14:35.000 a thank you for last night, and then that's it. That's the end 188 00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:41.480 of it. Thank you is goodbye. It's appreciative and it's dismissive. You 189 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:45.559 might never see the person again who held the door for you at Target. 190 00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:48.240 You owe that person a thank you, you don't owe them a formal farewell, 191 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:54.919 same sort of thing. Now, did you spend some time in an 192 00:14:54.960 --> 00:15:00.879 outfit and some emotional capital on someone you went out with once or twice or 193 00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:05.080 three times, and you have so much fun when you went out with them, 194 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:07.399 and even more fun when you went home with them, and then you 195 00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:13.480 never heard from them again. Oh well, that's dating. You had your 196 00:15:13.480 --> 00:15:18.159 fun, be appreciated for that, and on to the next You really want 197 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:20.440 to hear, oh my god, that was so much fun. We won't 198 00:15:20.519 --> 00:15:24.279 be doing it again. That's what you want. That's the response you want 199 00:15:24.320 --> 00:15:28.840 that you need that, of course not. It's the pride and the curiosity 200 00:15:30.039 --> 00:15:35.919 that is interfering with your logic. Enjoy what you had, don't focus on 201 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:39.960 what you don't, and you most certainly will be better off. You know, 202 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:43.519 there's a friend of mine who was on a podcast a couple of years 203 00:15:43.519 --> 00:15:46.960 back, maybe it was the Great Food Feud. I think it was the 204 00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:50.120 Great Food Feud. It's another show. I do you should listen to the 205 00:15:50.159 --> 00:15:52.360 Great Food Feud? I forget. I host a lot of shows. She 206 00:15:52.480 --> 00:16:00.000 was dating someone for I think like three years maybe longer, when he suddenly 207 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:06.639 he stopped communicating with her, and eventually she just moved and people would ask 208 00:16:06.639 --> 00:16:07.480 her, like, whatever happened with him? And she's like, I don't 209 00:16:07.480 --> 00:16:15.879 know. Is that fucked up? Yes? Did? She deserves some explanation 210 00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:21.639 short of he died? That would make sense for sure, absolutely, But 211 00:16:21.720 --> 00:16:26.000 would any answer really change things? Once a few days and weeks went by, 212 00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:32.279 Probably not, it's fucked up. A few days and weeks went by, 213 00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:36.000 she quickly realized that. She basically said, I guess this isn't what 214 00:16:36.080 --> 00:16:38.320 I thought it was. She got a little angry and then sad, and 215 00:16:38.360 --> 00:16:42.480 then she was totally fine. And if he had called her up and sat 216 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:47.200 her down or written a letter on day one and said I don't want to 217 00:16:47.240 --> 00:16:51.480 see you anymore, she would have gotten angry and then sad and then again 218 00:16:51.840 --> 00:16:56.960 totally fine. And I guess my point is you are focused on something that 219 00:16:56.000 --> 00:17:00.000 you really have no control over, and the person who i'd control over it 220 00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:06.519 simply didn't feel the same way you did or think that you merited continuing communication 221 00:17:06.599 --> 00:17:11.440 with that sucks. It's sad, and so what, seriously, so what? 222 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:15.079 I don't really believe it makes it any easier to get the answer just 223 00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:18.079 a little bit more satisfying. And you know, if you're dating to try 224 00:17:18.119 --> 00:17:22.920 and get satisfying situations, I think you're doing it wrong. You want to 225 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:27.759 be satisfied by something that ultimately wasn't satisfying enough to the other person. So 226 00:17:27.799 --> 00:17:33.160 who really cares? This weird combo platter that we want served up? That 227 00:17:33.279 --> 00:17:38.200 is a mixture of pride and need to know and curiosity and closure and satisfaction 228 00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:45.000 and mostly at the end of the day, manners, and none of that 229 00:17:45.039 --> 00:17:47.920 will matter if you move forward and on to the next. Our manner is 230 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:49.599 nice to have. Yeah, do you need them out of your ex or 231 00:17:49.599 --> 00:17:55.400 somebody doesn't want to see you anymore? Fucking cares they're not that into you, 232 00:17:55.559 --> 00:17:57.440 They didn't care enough, didn't matter, didn't get it, and they 233 00:17:57.440 --> 00:18:00.519 didn't have the balls or courtesy or anything else you want to use as a 234 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:06.839 reason. But at the end of the day, who fucking cares. They 235 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:11.160 did not care about you, They did not care about the situation or the 236 00:18:11.279 --> 00:18:17.920 relationship beyond the point they decided not to care anymore or at all. Is 237 00:18:17.920 --> 00:18:22.079 it confusing? Yeah? Does it hurt? Sure? Is it frustrating? 238 00:18:23.079 --> 00:18:30.839 Of course? Does it feel like betrayal? Probably? But always focus forward. 239 00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:36.279 Every second you worry about what you are owed or what you deserve or 240 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:40.519 what you should have gotten or what you need from someone who doesn't care nearly 241 00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:44.000 as much about you as you want them to or need to, is a 242 00:18:44.079 --> 00:18:49.759 wasted second. And you might say, but I feel used. Listen, 243 00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:56.559 we are all used. We're all using each other. We want what we 244 00:18:56.599 --> 00:19:00.640 need, and we need what we want, and at the end of the 245 00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:04.920 day, we're hoping for the best. But dating doesn't always bring out our 246 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:08.720 best. You might not get the best response, You might not get the 247 00:19:08.720 --> 00:19:12.920 best outfit when he shows up. You might not get the best reaction. 248 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:18.480 You might not the best communicating because it never brings out the best, not 249 00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:23.119 in our behavior, not in our manners, rarely in our emotions, and 250 00:19:23.319 --> 00:19:29.319 most definitely not in our communication. We're not that great on the way in, 251 00:19:29.559 --> 00:19:33.200 and we're a lot worse on the way out. But you know, 252 00:19:33.240 --> 00:19:37.839 we have said over and over around here, all dating success is about two 253 00:19:37.920 --> 00:19:47.400 things. It is about confidence and communication. Confidence on your end may have 254 00:19:47.400 --> 00:19:56.279 been adequate, the communication on their end insufficient at best. So yep, 255 00:19:56.519 --> 00:20:03.440 it sucks, it's confusing, it's frustrating, it's often very hurtful. But 256 00:20:03.559 --> 00:20:07.400 that person did not look out for your best interest. They looked out for 257 00:20:07.480 --> 00:20:10.880 their own. And you know what, at the end of the day, 258 00:20:11.319 --> 00:20:14.440 they might have been right to do. So you look out for you. 259 00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:19.359 That's your responsibility here. Can't change them, and you shouldn't go backwards. 260 00:20:19.960 --> 00:20:25.279 And the right person, when the fit is right and the time comes along, 261 00:20:26.759 --> 00:20:30.400 they will look out for them, you and both of you together, 262 00:20:30.039 --> 00:20:37.960 So onto them, onto the next. Bygones and bygones, that's a good 263 00:20:37.960 --> 00:20:41.880 word. It's a great word. Bygones not only has the word by in 264 00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:48.799 it, and has the word gone in it. Bygones, the literal definition 265 00:20:48.599 --> 00:20:55.359 of bygones is in the past, dating from an earlier time, dating from 266 00:20:55.400 --> 00:21:00.799 an earlier time. That's exactly what this was. That it's exactly what you 267 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:07.880 did, and now it's gone. Ghosting, eh, ghosts aren't real. 268 00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:15.119 And whatever that connection or commitment was, it wasn't real either, So let 269 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:21.000 it go onward. As far as us, we are moving onward. Live 270 00:21:21.039 --> 00:21:23.119 shows coming up, live live shows, come to the Great Love Debate. 271 00:21:23.119 --> 00:21:26.000 We're not gonna do that many for that much longer, that many more years, 272 00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:30.279 So you better get it while the getting's good. October seventh at the 273 00:21:30.319 --> 00:21:34.960 Beautiful Boca black Box for the Center Backla Boca black Box Center for the Arts. 274 00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:38.759 You say that one several times. October seventh, tickets are on sale. 275 00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:41.759 Come see me in a whole lot of fun and fancy South Floridians. 276 00:21:42.039 --> 00:21:48.119 October twenty feet at the Lovely Citywinery back for an encore, Boston, Massachusetts. 277 00:21:48.279 --> 00:21:51.960 Shoot us an email please, Great Love Debate at gmail dot com and 278 00:21:52.480 --> 00:21:56.559 go to our website Great Love Debate dot com to see if we're adding a 279 00:21:56.559 --> 00:22:00.519 whole bunch of more shows. We shall see because, as always is at 280 00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:03.000 the Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love. See you next time, 281 00:22:08.039 --> 00:22:15.119 the Greatest Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love 282 00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:18.079 Debate. It's the Great Love Debate.