This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty,
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app Doctor Doctor. You
even lose that AFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Oh my goodness, are you
feeling hot? Hot? Hot? Well, it's coming. That heatwave is
coming. I think all over the country. I've been looking at weather reports.
There seems to be not a cool place anywhere, even Canada. Who's
burning? That's what I think about. Hey, if you have if you're
new to the show, I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I have a PhD in
clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at California State University, Channel Island,
and I have been obsessed with the science of love for many decades. I've
written three books on relationships. I did my dissertation on attachment theory and speaking
about attachment style. We are going to be talking about attachments a lot tonight
for the next two hours. I'm here to help all of you solve the
puzzle of relationship madness, as I did for myself. You know, I'm
the beneficiary of many, many, many years of therapy, and I studied
the stuff. I just want every I want to scream from the rooftops.
Here's what you need to know. Literally, every time I took a class
in psychology, I'd be like, wait a minute, everybody needs to know
this. Everybody needs to know this, And I'm good at turning things into
hopefully words that everyone can understand. Producer, Kayla, how are you?
Producer Kayla with us? She's she's running, Hey, Kayla, how are
you? She's in the next room. She's in the next room. This
is what happens when she's back to back producing. She's running up and down
near the halls. But good to see you all. Christine. Do you
know what your attachment style is? Yes, I'm the one that's back and
forth whatever. That one is. Anxious ambivalent, Yes, ma'am, that's
me. I'm lucky you and me both anxious ambivalent. But I really feel
that I've healed through everything, and we're gonna be talking about that today.
Also, let me just ask you, Christine, do you think it's possible
it's like to when Harry met Sally question? Do you think men and women
can be platonic friends if they're both heterosexual. I'd like to think so.
I like to believe in that, but everything that I keep seeing tells me
no. I would like to ask a gentleman, Raoul, is it possible
to be a platonic friend? If you're both single and you have platonic female
friend? Is it possible to never have thoughts of you know? Yes,
it's it is possible. It helps if she knows we're like all the like
they say, the dead bodies are buried, and she knows better than the
mess with me. Yes, definitely, do you have dead bodies buried?
So where are you coming off that last show? Because I'm telling you that
was pretty darn creepy. No, no, no, but like, yeah,
my my best friend is a female and she knows everything and there's no
secrets, and I'm sure that's probably why she's like, no way would I
ever deal with that guy? So? Are you single? In her single
though? Yes? Okay? And when she dates other people? What's that
like for you? Oh? I love it. I want her to find
a husband because she wants one really bad and she just has kind of like
bad luck. She's gonna kill me for saying this on air. It's not
luck, it's not luck. It's still relationships are not about luck. That's
still that's why I'm here. I asked her to talk to you and she
was like, no way, no way, you're doing it for her.
Oh my go. Well, there's a new series on things on Apple Plus
called Platonic and it's with Seth Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne and they play a
pair of like former best friends who clearly had been very close at one point
but didn't date, and then they're both approaching midlife. They're both unhappy in
their relationships, sorry, in their lives for different reasons. She is a
nonpracticing lawyer who's a stay at home mom with three kids. He's approaching fourty,
and he's still living in bro culture, like owning some kind of pub,
etc. And so the whole series that I haven't seen, the whole
thing. I saw the first and I was like, I have some problems
with this um. But apparently it's a comedy and apparently their lives become completely
destabilized because maybe just maybe attraction happens in fact. Rout, Well, do
you have the trailer? Let's listen to a part of the trailer from Platonic.
Oh, I don't think I don't have it. Oh see, producer
Kayle is running up and down the halls and she didn't get you that link.
It's okay. Here's what I want to tell you. That happens in
the trailer. She learns by looking at social media or something that her former
best friend is suddenly going through a divorce. Uh huh and her husband.
Okay, you have it all right? Roll it? Family movie night,
guys. Oh whoa what gevce? So call him? I literally haven't spoken
to each other in a year. Call him. That's what friends do.
Why are you? How's the fair business? I'm actually the brewmaster at my
own Barnett family yours wether there. So here's what bothers me about the show
No Husband on the Planet. When he finds out that his wife's former best
friend, who's a dude who's heterosexual, is suddenly on the dating on the
mating marketplace, No husband is going to say, call him, call him,
That's what friends do. Am I crazy? But I can't imagine a
guy saying this. Guys are going to be hopefully protective and hopefully worried that
this could threaten their marriage or the relationship. The other thing about the series
that drives me crazy is that she goes to his bar, they go partying,
they do all kinds of stuff together. She's married with three little kids.
How does she have time? Look, I had two kids and I
was too exhausted to go out. I don't, so it doesn't reflect reality.
I looked online and what people are saying, Sorry producers of platonic,
They're basically saying, skip it. But it made me think can platonic relationships
work? It was the big question that was asked in the famous movie when
Harry met Sally, or do we always keep them as backupmates? And the
truth is, there's research that shows that if you do have a backupmate,
you have better mental health. Literally, you have calm your anxiety. Remember,
we are born as human beings, tiny, vulnerable, terrified infants.
That's what lives inside us to this day, and our fears that we're going
to die at any moment, and so our primary attachment figure, the thought
of losing them is almost like a little death to us emotionally, right psychologically,
And so if we think in the back of our heads, you know,
if something ever happened to my guy or my gal, I probably could
make a move in this direction with that person if we have that thought and
do not act on it, do not flirt with the person, but just
have it there. It calms our anxiety. Right, So it's good for
our mental health to have backupmates. And evolutionary psychologists like doctor David Buss at
the University of Texas would say that we all have backupmates, and that men
and women who are heterosexual probably can't can't be just purely platonic friends. That
they're always some kind of backupmate. But I think it depends on the guy's
age, because I notice something as I've reached a certain age myself. Guys
get in their fifties and sixties. They're divorced, they've got bills, they're
paying ex wives, they're paying kids, whatever, and a lot of them
have social friends women who are social friends. They realize the value of having
an emotional girlfriend around young guys who are full of testosterone. I'm sorry,
ladies, you're a backupmate. That's what you are. Also, it depends
on the woman's self esteem, so she can tolerate that her male best friend
is out there dating and she can be the wing man and whatever. But
if she's out there thinking, you know, I don't want them to have
anybody but me, even though we're not really going to cross that boundary.
You know, I like to say it, sometimes there is some value in
learning how to stay in the friend zone. So I've come up with a
handy dandy little list of doctor Wendy rules or how to stay in the friend
zone with boundaries. First of all, be honest about your feelings over and
over again. You can't be like, well I told them when we first
met, I just want to be friends. Why did they make them move
on me because you didn't tell them over and over again and remind them that
this is just platonic. Also, set really logical boundaries like no, I
don't go out alone with you, or we don't go out at night,
or I don't know, we don't hold hands or whatever. Don't expect them
to read your mind. Just be honest. If you're single and they're single,
help them find a mate. Don't sit there pulling them off the mating
market by filling their time as a halfway date. Help them find a mate,
and definitely refrain from physical affection. Okay, I will allow a greeting
hug. How are you? They just get off the bus, Hello,
nice to see you. No sexual contact. I guarantee even a kiss will
ruin a friendship and there's no going back once it happened. Right. Also,
remember to give your platonic friend their own personal space. This isn't your
love partner. They don't know you, any explanations for where they've been or
what they're doing. They're a buddy, all right, buddies, that's it.
And I do want to say this. If you do not want to
slide down the slippery slope into romance, you want to stay firmly in the
friend zone in your platonic opposite sex relationship, then don't ever talk about sex.
Don't talk about sex that with other people. Don't talk about sex with
yourself, don't talk about just don't. Don't. Don't go there because it
inspires people, particularly men, It inspires them. Look there, we talked
about this last week. There's so much research to show that men think about
sex way more than women do. When we come back, I have a
few more rules I want to go over. Also, I had an interesting
conversation with a girlfriend yesterday about the silent treatment. We've all either given the
silent treatment at the one point or been the recipient of that painful silent treatment,
and I want to talk about the experience of both people because it's very
different for both. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf
I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty a f I
Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Before I talk about the silent treatment, a great
song, Kayla, I want to continue talking a little bit about platonic relationships
between heterosexual men and women. We know there are lots of platonic relationships between
gay men and straight women. Yes, everyone wants a gay best friend.
It's like having a girlfriend, but more male. I don't know, and
so that's very common because the sexual energy isn't there, there's not that awkwardness,
etc. If you do have a male best friend or close friend,
I want to say that it's really important that you introduce them to your partner
because you want to protect your primary relationship. If you're in a primary relationship.
As I mentioned that TV show Platonic, I think didn't reflect reality when
they had actually the girl's husband going, you should call him. That's what
friends do. He's your friend, you should call him. I Usually guys
would be like, who's this dude? Why why is he calling it?
What's up right? But here's a way to protect your primary relationship. Don't
disclose intimate things about your primary relationship. This definitely isn't a girlfriend. Remember,
on some level, whether they realize it or not, some deep,
unconscious level, they are thinking of you as a backup mate or maybe you're
thinking of them that way, and it's a way to grow intimacy. So
be really respectful to your partner. And when you socialize together, make sure
you compliment your partner, you're affectionate with your partner, etc. Make it
very clear who you're with. And also, if you do have a best
friend who's of the opposite sex, who's heterosexual, don't do these date like
hangouts. No no, no no no, not like oh I got tickets
to this hot new restaurant and my husband's out of town. Why don't you
just come with me so as someone to be with. No. No,
that sounds like a date. I don't like that, Okay, and definitely
final. Don't get drunk and get cozy with them. You're going to regret
it again. You want to stay in the friend zone. Stay in the
friend zone. As we know because people call my show all the time and
ask this question, doctor Wendy, how do I get out of the friend
zone? People have been put in the friend zone forever, but staying in
the friend zone in a platonic relationship, I think there can be a lot
of value in getting to know guys, getting to know women, getting to
know people as people, and keeping the structure and the boundaries clear. All
right, moving right along. Christina mentioned earlier that she thinks she has I
called it an anxious ambivalent attachment style. Producer Kayleb, do you know what
kind of attachment style you might have? I want to claim secure. Okay,
secure meets anxious to exact. Well, that's sort of normal, right
If you have a mate that you value, you worry about losing them,
like you know. In my Patreon zoom room last week, I don't know
how the subject came up, but by the way, if you ever want
to come to my zoom room, it's Wednesday nights. This Wednesday, we're
taking a little holiday because it's kind of July forth, but we'll be back
next week. It's at six thirty on Wednesday night, So you can go
to patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh can come into my zoom room.
But we got into this conversation and I was saying that because of various obligations
to our young adult children, Julio and I are separated a lot this summer,
and I said, I'm just so worry that he's going to find somebody
else if too much time goes by. And somebody said, well, are
you you know, are you feeling insecure about it? And I'm like,
no, I think this is a secure attachment, like Kayla said, with
a healthy amount of anxiety, like you don't want to go too long away
from your partner. If you value your partner, you don't worry that somebody
might take them because they're a good partner in your mind. Right Anyway,
I previous to my secure attachment style that I helped heal through eighteen years of
therapy, and good attachment to my kids. Previous to that, I think
Christina I also had an anxious, ambivalent attachment style, and so I was
the come closer, come closer, go away, But I tended to be
attracted to I didn't know they were this at the time. Men who were
very emotionally avoidant. And you know, this goes back to my childhood and
my dad being in the navy and gone a lot, etc. So I
used to call them the strong, silent type. You know, I somehow
made it romantic. It's some way. Or I'd say, he's just very
stoic, right, he's a man of few words. Those are the ways
that I would rationalize the fact that they weren't giving me anything back emotionally right
now. Interestingly enough, over the course of my life's bam, When I
look back, I see that many of my girlfriends also were kind of emotionally
avoidant. They don't stay that way once they hang with me. By the
way, we start talking about all the emotions, right, And there have
been times where various girlfriends at different times got mad at me for something and
stopped talking. Are you surprised that someone got mad at me for something?
No, they do. I say the wrong thing all the time. Remember
I am an external processor. This is why I do radio. Sometimes the
first time I am aware of a thought is when it comes out my lips.
Uh huh. This is not a good way to be. It's who
I am. So sometimes I say something it hurts people's feelings, I immediately
go Canadian, I'm sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry. Oh my god,
I didn't know that hurt you didn't matter. They're they're upset and they
were not given the tools or the skills to manage their feelings at the time,
to find words to talk about it. And so then they give me
the silent treatment. Da da da da. Literally seeing friends who don't talk
to you just turn the other way, or you reach out to them and
there's no response, no text, no phone call or whatever. And I
have to tell you, It's happened to me a number of times in my
life span. I think I'm normal. If it happened to me, it's
probably happened to you. And so I want everyone to know that the person
being ignored or dismissed is going through huge emotional pain. I'm not gonna lie
to you. I lost full night's sleep many times worrying about I should would
have could have. I should have said, Oh my gosh, am I
ever going to have them back up? They're gonna call me back. Oh,
I'm so humiliated. I'm ashamed. I must be a bad person if
they're not talking to me. I feel so sad, you know, blah
blah blah. So interesting enough. Yesterday I had a conversation with a girlfriend
of mine at a long time, like, you know, thirty year girlfriend,
I mean thirty years we've been prince we both look thirty right now.
Okay, I just want to say that. But I've known her for thirty
years and we had had a falling out in the past, and she said
something that was so helpful to me. She said, it's not that I
didn't want to talk to you about what was going on. I couldn't find
the words, couldn't find the words, didn't know what to say. So
this made me do a kind of deep dive into what the experience is like
for somebody who hasn't avoidant attachment style because I was so busy in my own
pain at different times that I didn't understand what they were going through. I
also just want to say so that you understand attachment style attachment style is partly
genetic, it's partly learned behavior of what happens in literally the first year of
life times three years, right, People with an avoidant attachment style probably had
caregivers that were not very emotionally available. I mean they were present, they
were there, they were you know, driving to the ball, practices,
doing whatever. But when situations get emotionally strong, those caregivers get more distant.
So when we come back, I'm going to talk about two sides to
the silent treatment. And if you're hearing a description of yourself here, let's
talk about how you can find ways to get more emotionally intimate with others.
And again, these labels are not labels, they're not judgments. They're just
ways of understanding people's models. If you will for love, you are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I AM six forty alive everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I
AM sixty k I AM six forty to Wendy Waalsh with you. This is
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I mentioned earlier that I would think that I
used to have an anxious ambivalent attachment style, meaning come closer, come closer,
Oop, that's too close, go away. And so my favorite my
fingers are making quotation marks here. A favorite kind of guy that I was
attracted to was the strong, silent, stoic, emotionally avoidant person. And
here's how it works, no matter what your gender is, if you are
attracted to people and inside you have a little voice that says, I'm just
gonna make them love me. If I can make them lovely love me,
then all be okay, then all be a good person. That's how the
anxious person behaves when they have that attachment style. But I always assumed that
when the avoidant person got avoidant, and happens when things get emotional, that
they were doing something to hurt me, that they deliberately knew they were hurting
me. I'm going to disclose something to you. I'm never told to anybody,
so please do not tell anybody. This is a secret. So one
time there was a you know, one of those on again, off again
boyfriends who was very avoidant, and we were in an off again thing and
I was pining for him. Pining for him. That's a romantic way of
saying, I was having an anxious attachment fit over him, and thinking about
him, and ruminating and worrying about him, and thinking and thinking and losing
sleep over it. And one night I was falling to sleep and I had
a sort of dream, and I say sort of dream because I was aware
that this was going on in my head, and I pictured myself in my
front yard, him lying down and me jumping up and down on his chest
and screaming and yelling like a tiny child baby crazy. Now, I also
did some research. By the way, if you have homicidal thoughts, they're
not dangerous, it's homicidal behaviors, by the way, that are dangerous.
Thoughts aren't dangerous, Okay, they're okay. It was a manifestation of how
angry I was because I believed he was hurting me. He was deliberately knew
how much I was suffering, and every day that he didn't call me back
or didn't text, he was doing something to me. Well, now I
know, the people with an avoidant attachment style are not even thinking about you
one little bit. They're busy trying to manage their own feelings because nobody gave
them a roadmap for how to do it. When they were tiny children,
their caregivers would become more distant. When situations became emotionally strong, The parents
would literally become more unavailable when the child was most needy, or they would
become a disciplinarian. When the child expressed anger or sadness, the parents would
tell them to toughen up, suck it up. I don't want to hear
you know. My parents used to say to me, you go to your
room and come back when you've changed your attitude, like somehow I have to
just go there and figure out how to be happy and come back right.
So, anyway, what happens when these dismissed and ignored babies become adults,
well, in adult romantic relationships, if they're an avoidant person, when emotional
stress happens, they tend to deflect by focusing on things they can control,
like their careers, their life goals. Or they might emulate their parents and
get angry that their partner has feelings, or they feel so uncomfortable with their
partners feelings and this is the big one, they us to hurt me so
much, so uncomfortable with their partners feelings that they laugh at their partner.
That was the worst one for me. They literally may move away from a
partner who's expressing feelings. By the way, I knew that Julio was the
man for me because when we had our first tiny little fight, I was
able to have enough insight and awareness to say to him. He was mad
at me for something to say to him. I have a running feeling in
my stomach and I just want to run away right now. And he stood
up, we were in two chairs, step towards me, put his hands
on my shoulder and goes, no, no, no, this is not
that big of a deal. It's not a running thing. And I was
like, oh my god. A man who comes forward when there's emotions or
expression of emotions. People with an avoidant attachment style tend not to seek comfort
and support from their loved ones when they need it because they've never been taught
to do that, because it was never there for them. They may sulk
or complain instead of directly asking for help. They also do preemptive strategies.
They break up with their partner to cope with their own feelings of love.
I know it sounds crazy, but their feelings of love feel overwhelming to them.
So, if I'm describing you, I want to ask you, are
you interested in changing? Are you interested in having healthier relationships? Are you
triggering anxious people and sending them running? If so, I've cut three tips
for you. One is, instead of running away and ghosting, just simply
ask for space when you need it. You know it would have been so
soothing to me if my avoidant dude said I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I
need a week to think about this. Can we talk next week? I
could contain myself for that amount of time. You could say things like,
you know, I'm really thankful you're always there for me, and when i'm
ready, I promise I'll talk to you about this. As long as we
know you're coming back, we can survive. You might say something like it's
really important I know to you that we discussed this, but I feel like
I need a couple of minutes or a couple of days to clear my head.
I just need a little time. But I do want to talk to
you about this, So that's the language you need to learn to use.
Also, I want you to challenge any thoughts that you might have that your
feelings make you a weak person. Or a bad person. Your emotions are
valid and getting into your stomach, asking your stomach what it feels like is
very important. And finally, don't be afraid to reach out to a licensed
therapist. That's where you can learn the skills that you need. Okay,
So, avoidant people do trigger anxious people. If you're on the other end
of the scale and you're easily triggered by abandonment issues coming up, I've got
some actually green flags that you might perceive as red flags. I'll explain.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells showing kf I AM six forty one live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
kf I AM sixty. Red flags, Oh no, IP train. This
guy looks day injurious. This is what women write about all the time.
To me, they're like, I don't know, is this a red flag?
Is that a red flag? You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls show
in kf I AM sixty. When you have an insecure attachment style, you're
normal. About sixty percent of Americans have some kind of insecure attachment. So
whether it's avoidant or anxious. I have a funny thing to tell you.
I have a new stool, like a new little barstool thing that I put
together myself. But I didn't do it right because it keeps sliding up and
making me like super tall, and then it starts sinking down slowly. So
it's just it's a rhyde. I'm on here while I'm doing the show anyway
up back to red flags and green flags. Just thought i'd share what's going
on. Here's the problem when you don't have a deep understanding of what it
feels like to have a secure attachment, to have deep trust, to be
able to say and so that perfect little spidy sense that says, this person
can't have a healthy relationship, I need to move away. Many people don't
have those guideposts, those internal emotional guideposts. So instead they write to people
like me and say, look, this person did this on this date.
Would this be a red flag? And they talk about red flags and green
flags. Obviously, people want to prevent heartbreak. This is their goal.
Like, if I can just determine that it's all going to go south soon,
then it'll be easier somehow. So, but here's a problem when you
have an anxious attachment style. You don't even know to recognize the green flags.
Okay, so let me give you some examples of things that might be
a green flag, like go forward. At the beginning of a relationship,
your date seems kind of uninterested. They don't call and text incessantly at the
very beginning. Now, this may mean that they have a secure attachment style.
They're using caution to move slowly because they want to build a healthy connection
in the time that it takes to build intimacy. But here's the problem.
People who have an anxious attachment style often want their new partners to prove to
them right away that they're lovable somehow, and so they put them to the
task. They play games right, and they try to either be distant,
they try to get them to chase them and beg them to come back.
So a healthy person when they see the game player, they're like, Okay,
I guess this person needs a little space to figure themselves out, figure
out maybe what they really want. And then the anxious person thinks, oh,
they're boring, they're not interested. They're just not interested in me because
they're not chasing me hard. Let me tell you when a relationship begins with
hard chasing and hard passion. Love that word hard hard. You know,
there's some hard involved. When a relationship begins with that craziness of love and
infactuation and lust, it's usually going to go south. I just want to
say that, it's usually going to go south because it's based on something else.
And that's how anxious attached me. They want to get close very quickly.
They can't stand living in the land of unknowing, that in between stage
where they're not really sure if it's a thing or not, and so they're
deregulated, and they want they want to know whether you're in or you're out
right. All right. Here's another green flag that often is misinterpreted and thought
of as a red flag. Your relationship feels boring. I hear young women
say all the time, the thing that I used to say. You know,
I met this guy and he's nice, but he's kind of too nice.
You know, he's not a challenge for me. Oh please, a
challenge. This is not what you should be looking for when you have a
secure attachment. All those butterflies in your stomach, I mean they're there to
a little degree at the beginning, but it feels more like peace, it
feels more like calm, it feels more like quiet joy. But if your
definition of love is chaos and unpredictability, then that's what you're familiar with.
That's your comfort zone. And if there's no chaos and no craziness, you
think, oh, this feels so boring, But this might actually be the
drama free relationship that you need. All right, here's another green flag that
is often misinterpreted as a red flag by people with an anxious attachment style.
Your partner feels too busy because they have lots of interests. Now, want
to remind you, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might have
experienced abandonment in your past. And so what you do unconsciously, it's usually
not conscious. Unconsciously, did you try to control your partner's time, Because
if you know that your partner is always available to you, this gives you
a sense of security and safety. So what happens is your partner, let's
assume they have a secure attachment style, they think in their mind, well,
I'm going to see your Saturday, but I'm going to golf on Wednesday,
and I've got long, some long work days ahead of me and I'll
not go fishing whatever, and I'll see your Saturday, because that's what the
blan is. And you're like, why is he calling and texting every day?
What's happening? Who is he fishing with? What is happening right?
And so you're thinking it's a red flag that he's not again hard chasing you,
or that you're having to compete with this other interests. News flash,
people with secure attachment style have a balanced life. They have good social support
from their friends and family, they have all kinds of interests, and yes,
they grow slowly into a deep secure attachment. Here's another sometimes green flag
that you might think is a red flag. Your new partner pulls away after
the cocooning phase. It's usually about ninety days the verse ninety days when two
people fall in love. It is a cocktail of neural hormones that assault the
brain. It's very exciting, as very full of lust and passion and excitement.
It's great, and it's too much for the brain, and it's somewhere
between. Somewhere in the three to six month mark, one partner goes,
oh, this is too much a little break and I forgot who I am
I forgot who my friends are. If forgot I haven't been working enough,
whatever. So there's a little pulling away. And it is at this stage
that the person who has the anxious attachment style needs to learn how to self
regulate, because later in the show, I want to talk about micro ghosting,
which is different from just kind of slowing things down because they've been moving
too fast. Micro Ghosting is something entirely different, and I'll tell you the
distinction of it later. But after a cocooning phase that's been really hot and
heavy, there's often a kind of refractory period where people are like, WHOA,
I need a tiny little break. I need to slow this down.
And during that time, the healthy person that's you needs to self regulate.
Go find your other friends, Go find your family, Go find your hobbies
and interests. Just know it's going to be okay, because if it's meant
to be, it'll be, So you just have to calm down. Here's
another green flag that is often misinterpreted as a red flag. You're having arguments
with the person that you're in a relationship with. Let me tell you this.
Healthy relationships have regular, healthy arguments. In fact, they have the
most amount of conflict, but they are never the knockdown, drag them out
crazy you know, wild fights. What they are, our little border skirmishes
all day long that reinstate the boundaries. So what happens is anxious people fear
abandonments so much that they are so afraid of conflict because they're afraid if they
upset their partner, their partner might abandon them. So they think, oh,
ye had to fight, it must be over right. That's what's happening.
So there are some real red flags though. Okay, these are real
red flags that should make you go, h should I move forward? And
here's why, because plenty of anxious people tolerate all kinds of hurtful behavior because
they're afraid of conflict. They're afraid of abandonment, so they put up with
a lot. Some real red flags are you have expressed your feelings in a
very loving, non confrontational way and they get dismissive, they laugh at you,
they get angry, or they disappear. That's a huge red flag.
Also if they literally don't call you back. Okay, somebody with a secure
attachment style gets back to you, maybe not within an hour, but they
get back to you also somebody who only texts, never calls. They're avoidant.
No, it's not working. Don't do it when we come back.
This is a question I get all the time on social media. I really
want to help my partner. He or she is having some mental health issues.
They're having a crisis, but I don't know how I can emotionally support
them when we come back. How to help your partner without becoming their therapist.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy
Walls. You can always hear us live on kf I AM six forty from
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