WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:03.960 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:12.480 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app Doctor Doctor. You 3 00:00:12.679 --> 00:00:21.600 even lose that AFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 4 00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:25.600 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Oh my goodness, are you 5 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:28.760 feeling hot? Hot? Hot? Well, it's coming. That heatwave is 6 00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:32.560 coming. I think all over the country. I've been looking at weather reports. 7 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:35.520 There seems to be not a cool place anywhere, even Canada. Who's 8 00:00:35.560 --> 00:00:38.520 burning? That's what I think about. Hey, if you have if you're 9 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:41.560 new to the show, I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I have a PhD in 10 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:47.079 clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at California State University, Channel Island, 11 00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:51.840 and I have been obsessed with the science of love for many decades. I've 12 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:55.960 written three books on relationships. I did my dissertation on attachment theory and speaking 13 00:00:55.960 --> 00:01:00.000 about attachment style. We are going to be talking about attachments a lot tonight 14 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:06.280 for the next two hours. I'm here to help all of you solve the 15 00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:11.519 puzzle of relationship madness, as I did for myself. You know, I'm 16 00:01:11.599 --> 00:01:15.920 the beneficiary of many, many, many years of therapy, and I studied 17 00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:19.920 the stuff. I just want every I want to scream from the rooftops. 18 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:22.879 Here's what you need to know. Literally, every time I took a class 19 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:26.879 in psychology, I'd be like, wait a minute, everybody needs to know 20 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:30.799 this. Everybody needs to know this, And I'm good at turning things into 21 00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:34.359 hopefully words that everyone can understand. Producer, Kayla, how are you? 22 00:01:36.200 --> 00:01:40.879 Producer Kayla with us? She's she's running, Hey, Kayla, how are 23 00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:48.079 you? She's in the next room. She's in the next room. This 24 00:01:48.120 --> 00:01:51.200 is what happens when she's back to back producing. She's running up and down 25 00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:53.599 near the halls. But good to see you all. Christine. Do you 26 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:57.519 know what your attachment style is? Yes, I'm the one that's back and 27 00:01:57.560 --> 00:02:06.079 forth whatever. That one is. Anxious ambivalent, Yes, ma'am, that's 28 00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:10.039 me. I'm lucky you and me both anxious ambivalent. But I really feel 29 00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:14.520 that I've healed through everything, and we're gonna be talking about that today. 30 00:02:14.759 --> 00:02:16.120 Also, let me just ask you, Christine, do you think it's possible 31 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:20.319 it's like to when Harry met Sally question? Do you think men and women 32 00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:23.680 can be platonic friends if they're both heterosexual. I'd like to think so. 33 00:02:23.800 --> 00:02:27.919 I like to believe in that, but everything that I keep seeing tells me 34 00:02:27.960 --> 00:02:30.639 no. I would like to ask a gentleman, Raoul, is it possible 35 00:02:30.680 --> 00:02:35.439 to be a platonic friend? If you're both single and you have platonic female 36 00:02:35.520 --> 00:02:38.800 friend? Is it possible to never have thoughts of you know? Yes, 37 00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:42.960 it's it is possible. It helps if she knows we're like all the like 38 00:02:43.000 --> 00:02:45.840 they say, the dead bodies are buried, and she knows better than the 39 00:02:45.879 --> 00:02:49.560 mess with me. Yes, definitely, do you have dead bodies buried? 40 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:52.400 So where are you coming off that last show? Because I'm telling you that 41 00:02:52.520 --> 00:02:54.439 was pretty darn creepy. No, no, no, but like, yeah, 42 00:02:54.479 --> 00:02:59.159 my my best friend is a female and she knows everything and there's no 43 00:02:59.199 --> 00:03:01.080 secrets, and I'm sure that's probably why she's like, no way would I 44 00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:05.319 ever deal with that guy? So? Are you single? In her single 45 00:03:05.360 --> 00:03:08.479 though? Yes? Okay? And when she dates other people? What's that 46 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:12.319 like for you? Oh? I love it. I want her to find 47 00:03:12.319 --> 00:03:15.439 a husband because she wants one really bad and she just has kind of like 48 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:17.479 bad luck. She's gonna kill me for saying this on air. It's not 49 00:03:17.680 --> 00:03:22.240 luck, it's not luck. It's still relationships are not about luck. That's 50 00:03:22.280 --> 00:03:23.599 still that's why I'm here. I asked her to talk to you and she 51 00:03:23.680 --> 00:03:29.879 was like, no way, no way, you're doing it for her. 52 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:34.639 Oh my go. Well, there's a new series on things on Apple Plus 53 00:03:34.680 --> 00:03:40.000 called Platonic and it's with Seth Seth Rogan and Rose Byrne and they play a 54 00:03:40.080 --> 00:03:45.240 pair of like former best friends who clearly had been very close at one point 55 00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:50.599 but didn't date, and then they're both approaching midlife. They're both unhappy in 56 00:03:50.639 --> 00:03:54.400 their relationships, sorry, in their lives for different reasons. She is a 57 00:03:54.479 --> 00:04:00.280 nonpracticing lawyer who's a stay at home mom with three kids. He's approaching fourty, 58 00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:02.960 and he's still living in bro culture, like owning some kind of pub, 59 00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:08.199 etc. And so the whole series that I haven't seen, the whole 60 00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:12.280 thing. I saw the first and I was like, I have some problems 61 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:16.759 with this um. But apparently it's a comedy and apparently their lives become completely 62 00:04:16.759 --> 00:04:20.920 destabilized because maybe just maybe attraction happens in fact. Rout, Well, do 63 00:04:20.920 --> 00:04:24.800 you have the trailer? Let's listen to a part of the trailer from Platonic. 64 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:29.079 Oh, I don't think I don't have it. Oh see, producer 65 00:04:29.160 --> 00:04:30.800 Kayle is running up and down the halls and she didn't get you that link. 66 00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:33.639 It's okay. Here's what I want to tell you. That happens in 67 00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:39.360 the trailer. She learns by looking at social media or something that her former 68 00:04:39.399 --> 00:04:45.040 best friend is suddenly going through a divorce. Uh huh and her husband. 69 00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:49.920 Okay, you have it all right? Roll it? Family movie night, 70 00:04:49.959 --> 00:04:56.800 guys. Oh whoa what gevce? So call him? I literally haven't spoken 71 00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:59.279 to each other in a year. Call him. That's what friends do. 72 00:05:00.920 --> 00:05:06.079 Why are you? How's the fair business? I'm actually the brewmaster at my 73 00:05:06.120 --> 00:05:17.879 own Barnett family yours wether there. So here's what bothers me about the show 74 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:24.720 No Husband on the Planet. When he finds out that his wife's former best 75 00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:29.879 friend, who's a dude who's heterosexual, is suddenly on the dating on the 76 00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:33.839 mating marketplace, No husband is going to say, call him, call him, 77 00:05:33.879 --> 00:05:39.720 That's what friends do. Am I crazy? But I can't imagine a 78 00:05:39.839 --> 00:05:45.600 guy saying this. Guys are going to be hopefully protective and hopefully worried that 79 00:05:45.639 --> 00:05:49.000 this could threaten their marriage or the relationship. The other thing about the series 80 00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:53.680 that drives me crazy is that she goes to his bar, they go partying, 81 00:05:53.720 --> 00:05:57.959 they do all kinds of stuff together. She's married with three little kids. 82 00:05:58.279 --> 00:06:00.920 How does she have time? Look, I had two kids and I 83 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:04.920 was too exhausted to go out. I don't, so it doesn't reflect reality. 84 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:10.319 I looked online and what people are saying, Sorry producers of platonic, 85 00:06:10.360 --> 00:06:16.120 They're basically saying, skip it. But it made me think can platonic relationships 86 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:19.199 work? It was the big question that was asked in the famous movie when 87 00:06:19.199 --> 00:06:25.360 Harry met Sally, or do we always keep them as backupmates? And the 88 00:06:25.399 --> 00:06:28.600 truth is, there's research that shows that if you do have a backupmate, 89 00:06:28.680 --> 00:06:31.199 you have better mental health. Literally, you have calm your anxiety. Remember, 90 00:06:31.360 --> 00:06:36.759 we are born as human beings, tiny, vulnerable, terrified infants. 91 00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:41.040 That's what lives inside us to this day, and our fears that we're going 92 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:45.439 to die at any moment, and so our primary attachment figure, the thought 93 00:06:45.439 --> 00:06:48.839 of losing them is almost like a little death to us emotionally, right psychologically, 94 00:06:49.199 --> 00:06:51.800 And so if we think in the back of our heads, you know, 95 00:06:53.399 --> 00:06:57.439 if something ever happened to my guy or my gal, I probably could 96 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:01.519 make a move in this direction with that person if we have that thought and 97 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:05.160 do not act on it, do not flirt with the person, but just 98 00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:09.480 have it there. It calms our anxiety. Right, So it's good for 99 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:14.120 our mental health to have backupmates. And evolutionary psychologists like doctor David Buss at 100 00:07:14.120 --> 00:07:17.240 the University of Texas would say that we all have backupmates, and that men 101 00:07:17.240 --> 00:07:24.839 and women who are heterosexual probably can't can't be just purely platonic friends. That 102 00:07:24.920 --> 00:07:30.240 they're always some kind of backupmate. But I think it depends on the guy's 103 00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:33.199 age, because I notice something as I've reached a certain age myself. Guys 104 00:07:33.240 --> 00:07:36.680 get in their fifties and sixties. They're divorced, they've got bills, they're 105 00:07:36.680 --> 00:07:41.120 paying ex wives, they're paying kids, whatever, and a lot of them 106 00:07:41.160 --> 00:07:45.720 have social friends women who are social friends. They realize the value of having 107 00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:50.439 an emotional girlfriend around young guys who are full of testosterone. I'm sorry, 108 00:07:50.519 --> 00:07:54.399 ladies, you're a backupmate. That's what you are. Also, it depends 109 00:07:54.399 --> 00:07:58.360 on the woman's self esteem, so she can tolerate that her male best friend 110 00:07:58.399 --> 00:08:01.439 is out there dating and she can be the wing man and whatever. But 111 00:08:01.519 --> 00:08:03.240 if she's out there thinking, you know, I don't want them to have 112 00:08:03.279 --> 00:08:07.319 anybody but me, even though we're not really going to cross that boundary. 113 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:11.759 You know, I like to say it, sometimes there is some value in 114 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:16.279 learning how to stay in the friend zone. So I've come up with a 115 00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:22.639 handy dandy little list of doctor Wendy rules or how to stay in the friend 116 00:08:22.759 --> 00:08:28.040 zone with boundaries. First of all, be honest about your feelings over and 117 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:30.879 over again. You can't be like, well I told them when we first 118 00:08:30.879 --> 00:08:33.000 met, I just want to be friends. Why did they make them move 119 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:37.159 on me because you didn't tell them over and over again and remind them that 120 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:43.120 this is just platonic. Also, set really logical boundaries like no, I 121 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:46.679 don't go out alone with you, or we don't go out at night, 122 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:48.879 or I don't know, we don't hold hands or whatever. Don't expect them 123 00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:52.879 to read your mind. Just be honest. If you're single and they're single, 124 00:08:52.919 --> 00:08:56.960 help them find a mate. Don't sit there pulling them off the mating 125 00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:03.080 market by filling their time as a halfway date. Help them find a mate, 126 00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:07.879 and definitely refrain from physical affection. Okay, I will allow a greeting 127 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:11.200 hug. How are you? They just get off the bus, Hello, 128 00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:16.639 nice to see you. No sexual contact. I guarantee even a kiss will 129 00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:20.879 ruin a friendship and there's no going back once it happened. Right. Also, 130 00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:28.039 remember to give your platonic friend their own personal space. This isn't your 131 00:09:28.039 --> 00:09:31.519 love partner. They don't know you, any explanations for where they've been or 132 00:09:31.559 --> 00:09:33.960 what they're doing. They're a buddy, all right, buddies, that's it. 133 00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:37.159 And I do want to say this. If you do not want to 134 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:41.919 slide down the slippery slope into romance, you want to stay firmly in the 135 00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:46.679 friend zone in your platonic opposite sex relationship, then don't ever talk about sex. 136 00:09:48.039 --> 00:09:50.399 Don't talk about sex that with other people. Don't talk about sex with 137 00:09:50.480 --> 00:09:54.279 yourself, don't talk about just don't. Don't. Don't go there because it 138 00:09:54.320 --> 00:10:00.279 inspires people, particularly men, It inspires them. Look there, we talked 139 00:10:00.279 --> 00:10:03.120 about this last week. There's so much research to show that men think about 140 00:10:03.159 --> 00:10:09.440 sex way more than women do. When we come back, I have a 141 00:10:09.440 --> 00:10:11.919 few more rules I want to go over. Also, I had an interesting 142 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:18.240 conversation with a girlfriend yesterday about the silent treatment. We've all either given the 143 00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:22.399 silent treatment at the one point or been the recipient of that painful silent treatment, 144 00:10:22.799 --> 00:10:26.080 and I want to talk about the experience of both people because it's very 145 00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:30.679 different for both. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf 146 00:10:30.759 --> 00:10:35.600 I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening 147 00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:41.039 to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty a f I 148 00:10:41.320 --> 00:10:45.679 Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the 149 00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:48.159 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Before I talk about the silent treatment, a great 150 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:54.679 song, Kayla, I want to continue talking a little bit about platonic relationships 151 00:10:54.720 --> 00:10:58.399 between heterosexual men and women. We know there are lots of platonic relationships between 152 00:10:58.559 --> 00:11:03.519 gay men and straight women. Yes, everyone wants a gay best friend. 153 00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:07.639 It's like having a girlfriend, but more male. I don't know, and 154 00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:13.679 so that's very common because the sexual energy isn't there, there's not that awkwardness, 155 00:11:13.759 --> 00:11:20.200 etc. If you do have a male best friend or close friend, 156 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:24.000 I want to say that it's really important that you introduce them to your partner 157 00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:28.639 because you want to protect your primary relationship. If you're in a primary relationship. 158 00:11:28.279 --> 00:11:33.480 As I mentioned that TV show Platonic, I think didn't reflect reality when 159 00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:35.320 they had actually the girl's husband going, you should call him. That's what 160 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:39.240 friends do. He's your friend, you should call him. I Usually guys 161 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:41.000 would be like, who's this dude? Why why is he calling it? 162 00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:48.799 What's up right? But here's a way to protect your primary relationship. Don't 163 00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:54.679 disclose intimate things about your primary relationship. This definitely isn't a girlfriend. Remember, 164 00:11:54.679 --> 00:11:58.120 on some level, whether they realize it or not, some deep, 165 00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:01.639 unconscious level, they are thinking of you as a backup mate or maybe you're 166 00:12:01.639 --> 00:12:07.120 thinking of them that way, and it's a way to grow intimacy. So 167 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:11.279 be really respectful to your partner. And when you socialize together, make sure 168 00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:15.440 you compliment your partner, you're affectionate with your partner, etc. Make it 169 00:12:15.600 --> 00:12:20.240 very clear who you're with. And also, if you do have a best 170 00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:24.919 friend who's of the opposite sex, who's heterosexual, don't do these date like 171 00:12:26.200 --> 00:12:30.480 hangouts. No no, no no no, not like oh I got tickets 172 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:33.440 to this hot new restaurant and my husband's out of town. Why don't you 173 00:12:33.440 --> 00:12:35.480 just come with me so as someone to be with. No. No, 174 00:12:35.559 --> 00:12:37.519 that sounds like a date. I don't like that, Okay, and definitely 175 00:12:37.559 --> 00:12:43.320 final. Don't get drunk and get cozy with them. You're going to regret 176 00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:45.720 it again. You want to stay in the friend zone. Stay in the 177 00:12:45.720 --> 00:12:48.600 friend zone. As we know because people call my show all the time and 178 00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:50.879 ask this question, doctor Wendy, how do I get out of the friend 179 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:56.320 zone? People have been put in the friend zone forever, but staying in 180 00:12:56.360 --> 00:12:58.039 the friend zone in a platonic relationship, I think there can be a lot 181 00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:03.399 of value in getting to know guys, getting to know women, getting to 182 00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:07.840 know people as people, and keeping the structure and the boundaries clear. All 183 00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:13.240 right, moving right along. Christina mentioned earlier that she thinks she has I 184 00:13:13.279 --> 00:13:16.840 called it an anxious ambivalent attachment style. Producer Kayleb, do you know what 185 00:13:16.919 --> 00:13:22.639 kind of attachment style you might have? I want to claim secure. Okay, 186 00:13:22.919 --> 00:13:28.279 secure meets anxious to exact. Well, that's sort of normal, right 187 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:31.440 If you have a mate that you value, you worry about losing them, 188 00:13:31.440 --> 00:13:35.200 like you know. In my Patreon zoom room last week, I don't know 189 00:13:35.240 --> 00:13:37.960 how the subject came up, but by the way, if you ever want 190 00:13:37.960 --> 00:13:39.360 to come to my zoom room, it's Wednesday nights. This Wednesday, we're 191 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:41.960 taking a little holiday because it's kind of July forth, but we'll be back 192 00:13:43.000 --> 00:13:45.200 next week. It's at six thirty on Wednesday night, So you can go 193 00:13:45.279 --> 00:13:48.240 to patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh can come into my zoom room. 194 00:13:48.399 --> 00:13:54.039 But we got into this conversation and I was saying that because of various obligations 195 00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:58.840 to our young adult children, Julio and I are separated a lot this summer, 196 00:13:58.159 --> 00:14:01.879 and I said, I'm just so worry that he's going to find somebody 197 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:05.000 else if too much time goes by. And somebody said, well, are 198 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:09.000 you you know, are you feeling insecure about it? And I'm like, 199 00:14:09.080 --> 00:14:13.120 no, I think this is a secure attachment, like Kayla said, with 200 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.320 a healthy amount of anxiety, like you don't want to go too long away 201 00:14:16.320 --> 00:14:20.399 from your partner. If you value your partner, you don't worry that somebody 202 00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:26.200 might take them because they're a good partner in your mind. Right Anyway, 203 00:14:26.919 --> 00:14:31.039 I previous to my secure attachment style that I helped heal through eighteen years of 204 00:14:31.080 --> 00:14:35.399 therapy, and good attachment to my kids. Previous to that, I think 205 00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:39.639 Christina I also had an anxious, ambivalent attachment style, and so I was 206 00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:45.200 the come closer, come closer, go away, But I tended to be 207 00:14:45.200 --> 00:14:48.559 attracted to I didn't know they were this at the time. Men who were 208 00:14:50.200 --> 00:14:54.360 very emotionally avoidant. And you know, this goes back to my childhood and 209 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:58.759 my dad being in the navy and gone a lot, etc. So I 210 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.080 used to call them the strong, silent type. You know, I somehow 211 00:15:01.120 --> 00:15:05.159 made it romantic. It's some way. Or I'd say, he's just very 212 00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:09.440 stoic, right, he's a man of few words. Those are the ways 213 00:15:09.639 --> 00:15:16.840 that I would rationalize the fact that they weren't giving me anything back emotionally right 214 00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:20.440 now. Interestingly enough, over the course of my life's bam, When I 215 00:15:20.480 --> 00:15:26.759 look back, I see that many of my girlfriends also were kind of emotionally 216 00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:30.440 avoidant. They don't stay that way once they hang with me. By the 217 00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:33.519 way, we start talking about all the emotions, right, And there have 218 00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:37.960 been times where various girlfriends at different times got mad at me for something and 219 00:15:37.080 --> 00:15:41.080 stopped talking. Are you surprised that someone got mad at me for something? 220 00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:45.960 No, they do. I say the wrong thing all the time. Remember 221 00:15:46.559 --> 00:15:50.440 I am an external processor. This is why I do radio. Sometimes the 222 00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:54.879 first time I am aware of a thought is when it comes out my lips. 223 00:15:56.039 --> 00:15:58.000 Uh huh. This is not a good way to be. It's who 224 00:15:58.000 --> 00:16:03.240 I am. So sometimes I say something it hurts people's feelings, I immediately 225 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:07.080 go Canadian, I'm sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry. Oh my god, 226 00:16:07.080 --> 00:16:11.759 I didn't know that hurt you didn't matter. They're they're upset and they 227 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:15.919 were not given the tools or the skills to manage their feelings at the time, 228 00:16:15.960 --> 00:16:19.840 to find words to talk about it. And so then they give me 229 00:16:19.919 --> 00:16:26.320 the silent treatment. Da da da da. Literally seeing friends who don't talk 230 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:27.159 to you just turn the other way, or you reach out to them and 231 00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:30.080 there's no response, no text, no phone call or whatever. And I 232 00:16:30.159 --> 00:16:33.360 have to tell you, It's happened to me a number of times in my 233 00:16:33.399 --> 00:16:36.159 life span. I think I'm normal. If it happened to me, it's 234 00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:40.720 probably happened to you. And so I want everyone to know that the person 235 00:16:40.879 --> 00:16:47.000 being ignored or dismissed is going through huge emotional pain. I'm not gonna lie 236 00:16:47.000 --> 00:16:51.679 to you. I lost full night's sleep many times worrying about I should would 237 00:16:51.679 --> 00:16:52.840 have could have. I should have said, Oh my gosh, am I 238 00:16:52.840 --> 00:16:55.639 ever going to have them back up? They're gonna call me back. Oh, 239 00:16:55.639 --> 00:16:59.919 I'm so humiliated. I'm ashamed. I must be a bad person if 240 00:17:00.000 --> 00:17:03.600 they're not talking to me. I feel so sad, you know, blah 241 00:17:03.600 --> 00:17:07.319 blah blah. So interesting enough. Yesterday I had a conversation with a girlfriend 242 00:17:07.319 --> 00:17:10.440 of mine at a long time, like, you know, thirty year girlfriend, 243 00:17:10.519 --> 00:17:12.960 I mean thirty years we've been prince we both look thirty right now. 244 00:17:14.000 --> 00:17:15.680 Okay, I just want to say that. But I've known her for thirty 245 00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:21.079 years and we had had a falling out in the past, and she said 246 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:26.160 something that was so helpful to me. She said, it's not that I 247 00:17:26.200 --> 00:17:29.839 didn't want to talk to you about what was going on. I couldn't find 248 00:17:29.839 --> 00:17:33.519 the words, couldn't find the words, didn't know what to say. So 249 00:17:33.559 --> 00:17:37.960 this made me do a kind of deep dive into what the experience is like 250 00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:42.839 for somebody who hasn't avoidant attachment style because I was so busy in my own 251 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:49.559 pain at different times that I didn't understand what they were going through. I 252 00:17:49.599 --> 00:17:53.079 also just want to say so that you understand attachment style attachment style is partly 253 00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:59.359 genetic, it's partly learned behavior of what happens in literally the first year of 254 00:17:59.400 --> 00:18:07.200 life times three years, right, People with an avoidant attachment style probably had 255 00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:11.000 caregivers that were not very emotionally available. I mean they were present, they 256 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:15.000 were there, they were you know, driving to the ball, practices, 257 00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:19.759 doing whatever. But when situations get emotionally strong, those caregivers get more distant. 258 00:18:21.079 --> 00:18:22.799 So when we come back, I'm going to talk about two sides to 259 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:29.920 the silent treatment. And if you're hearing a description of yourself here, let's 260 00:18:29.960 --> 00:18:36.599 talk about how you can find ways to get more emotionally intimate with others. 261 00:18:37.000 --> 00:18:40.759 And again, these labels are not labels, they're not judgments. They're just 262 00:18:40.839 --> 00:18:47.480 ways of understanding people's models. If you will for love, you are listening 263 00:18:47.519 --> 00:18:51.200 to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I AM six forty alive everywhere on 264 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:56.920 the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I 265 00:18:56.119 --> 00:19:00.519 AM sixty k I AM six forty to Wendy Waalsh with you. This is 266 00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:06.400 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I mentioned earlier that I would think that I 267 00:19:06.519 --> 00:19:11.519 used to have an anxious ambivalent attachment style, meaning come closer, come closer, 268 00:19:11.519 --> 00:19:14.519 Oop, that's too close, go away. And so my favorite my 269 00:19:14.599 --> 00:19:17.880 fingers are making quotation marks here. A favorite kind of guy that I was 270 00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:23.039 attracted to was the strong, silent, stoic, emotionally avoidant person. And 271 00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:26.440 here's how it works, no matter what your gender is, if you are 272 00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:32.039 attracted to people and inside you have a little voice that says, I'm just 273 00:19:32.039 --> 00:19:34.240 gonna make them love me. If I can make them lovely love me, 274 00:19:34.319 --> 00:19:38.799 then all be okay, then all be a good person. That's how the 275 00:19:38.839 --> 00:19:45.240 anxious person behaves when they have that attachment style. But I always assumed that 276 00:19:45.279 --> 00:19:49.720 when the avoidant person got avoidant, and happens when things get emotional, that 277 00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:56.200 they were doing something to hurt me, that they deliberately knew they were hurting 278 00:19:56.200 --> 00:20:00.559 me. I'm going to disclose something to you. I'm never told to anybody, 279 00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:03.799 so please do not tell anybody. This is a secret. So one 280 00:20:03.839 --> 00:20:07.480 time there was a you know, one of those on again, off again 281 00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:11.960 boyfriends who was very avoidant, and we were in an off again thing and 282 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:15.559 I was pining for him. Pining for him. That's a romantic way of 283 00:20:15.599 --> 00:20:18.799 saying, I was having an anxious attachment fit over him, and thinking about 284 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:22.799 him, and ruminating and worrying about him, and thinking and thinking and losing 285 00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:26.599 sleep over it. And one night I was falling to sleep and I had 286 00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:32.039 a sort of dream, and I say sort of dream because I was aware 287 00:20:32.359 --> 00:20:36.920 that this was going on in my head, and I pictured myself in my 288 00:20:37.079 --> 00:20:41.839 front yard, him lying down and me jumping up and down on his chest 289 00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:48.160 and screaming and yelling like a tiny child baby crazy. Now, I also 290 00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:52.720 did some research. By the way, if you have homicidal thoughts, they're 291 00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:55.680 not dangerous, it's homicidal behaviors, by the way, that are dangerous. 292 00:20:56.960 --> 00:21:02.559 Thoughts aren't dangerous, Okay, they're okay. It was a manifestation of how 293 00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:07.880 angry I was because I believed he was hurting me. He was deliberately knew 294 00:21:07.960 --> 00:21:11.839 how much I was suffering, and every day that he didn't call me back 295 00:21:11.920 --> 00:21:17.640 or didn't text, he was doing something to me. Well, now I 296 00:21:17.720 --> 00:21:22.599 know, the people with an avoidant attachment style are not even thinking about you 297 00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.759 one little bit. They're busy trying to manage their own feelings because nobody gave 298 00:21:26.759 --> 00:21:30.920 them a roadmap for how to do it. When they were tiny children, 299 00:21:32.680 --> 00:21:41.119 their caregivers would become more distant. When situations became emotionally strong, The parents 300 00:21:41.160 --> 00:21:45.480 would literally become more unavailable when the child was most needy, or they would 301 00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:52.039 become a disciplinarian. When the child expressed anger or sadness, the parents would 302 00:21:52.039 --> 00:21:56.000 tell them to toughen up, suck it up. I don't want to hear 303 00:21:56.079 --> 00:21:57.480 you know. My parents used to say to me, you go to your 304 00:21:57.519 --> 00:22:02.400 room and come back when you've changed your attitude, like somehow I have to 305 00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:06.599 just go there and figure out how to be happy and come back right. 306 00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:14.880 So, anyway, what happens when these dismissed and ignored babies become adults, 307 00:22:15.559 --> 00:22:21.440 well, in adult romantic relationships, if they're an avoidant person, when emotional 308 00:22:21.480 --> 00:22:26.680 stress happens, they tend to deflect by focusing on things they can control, 309 00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:32.839 like their careers, their life goals. Or they might emulate their parents and 310 00:22:32.920 --> 00:22:37.160 get angry that their partner has feelings, or they feel so uncomfortable with their 311 00:22:37.200 --> 00:22:40.359 partners feelings and this is the big one, they us to hurt me so 312 00:22:40.440 --> 00:22:45.519 much, so uncomfortable with their partners feelings that they laugh at their partner. 313 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:49.079 That was the worst one for me. They literally may move away from a 314 00:22:49.119 --> 00:22:53.039 partner who's expressing feelings. By the way, I knew that Julio was the 315 00:22:53.079 --> 00:22:59.240 man for me because when we had our first tiny little fight, I was 316 00:22:59.319 --> 00:23:04.200 able to have enough insight and awareness to say to him. He was mad 317 00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:08.640 at me for something to say to him. I have a running feeling in 318 00:23:08.680 --> 00:23:14.039 my stomach and I just want to run away right now. And he stood 319 00:23:14.079 --> 00:23:17.839 up, we were in two chairs, step towards me, put his hands 320 00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:18.599 on my shoulder and goes, no, no, no, this is not 321 00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:22.799 that big of a deal. It's not a running thing. And I was 322 00:23:22.799 --> 00:23:26.480 like, oh my god. A man who comes forward when there's emotions or 323 00:23:26.519 --> 00:23:33.200 expression of emotions. People with an avoidant attachment style tend not to seek comfort 324 00:23:33.240 --> 00:23:37.519 and support from their loved ones when they need it because they've never been taught 325 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:41.799 to do that, because it was never there for them. They may sulk 326 00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:47.839 or complain instead of directly asking for help. They also do preemptive strategies. 327 00:23:47.920 --> 00:23:51.359 They break up with their partner to cope with their own feelings of love. 328 00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:55.880 I know it sounds crazy, but their feelings of love feel overwhelming to them. 329 00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:00.680 So, if I'm describing you, I want to ask you, are 330 00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:07.319 you interested in changing? Are you interested in having healthier relationships? Are you 331 00:24:07.400 --> 00:24:12.079 triggering anxious people and sending them running? If so, I've cut three tips 332 00:24:12.079 --> 00:24:18.759 for you. One is, instead of running away and ghosting, just simply 333 00:24:18.839 --> 00:24:22.559 ask for space when you need it. You know it would have been so 334 00:24:22.559 --> 00:24:27.799 soothing to me if my avoidant dude said I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I 335 00:24:27.920 --> 00:24:30.680 need a week to think about this. Can we talk next week? I 336 00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:34.799 could contain myself for that amount of time. You could say things like, 337 00:24:36.480 --> 00:24:38.480 you know, I'm really thankful you're always there for me, and when i'm 338 00:24:38.519 --> 00:24:41.680 ready, I promise I'll talk to you about this. As long as we 339 00:24:41.720 --> 00:24:48.119 know you're coming back, we can survive. You might say something like it's 340 00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:52.240 really important I know to you that we discussed this, but I feel like 341 00:24:52.279 --> 00:24:53.680 I need a couple of minutes or a couple of days to clear my head. 342 00:24:56.160 --> 00:24:57.359 I just need a little time. But I do want to talk to 343 00:24:57.400 --> 00:25:03.000 you about this, So that's the language you need to learn to use. 344 00:25:04.160 --> 00:25:08.720 Also, I want you to challenge any thoughts that you might have that your 345 00:25:08.759 --> 00:25:14.599 feelings make you a weak person. Or a bad person. Your emotions are 346 00:25:14.680 --> 00:25:18.880 valid and getting into your stomach, asking your stomach what it feels like is 347 00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:22.960 very important. And finally, don't be afraid to reach out to a licensed 348 00:25:23.000 --> 00:25:29.279 therapist. That's where you can learn the skills that you need. Okay, 349 00:25:29.359 --> 00:25:33.000 So, avoidant people do trigger anxious people. If you're on the other end 350 00:25:33.039 --> 00:25:37.920 of the scale and you're easily triggered by abandonment issues coming up, I've got 351 00:25:37.960 --> 00:25:42.759 some actually green flags that you might perceive as red flags. I'll explain. 352 00:25:44.039 --> 00:25:47.359 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wells showing kf I AM six forty one live 353 00:25:47.440 --> 00:25:52.160 everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 354 00:25:52.240 --> 00:25:59.160 kf I AM sixty. Red flags, Oh no, IP train. This 355 00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:03.759 guy looks day injurious. This is what women write about all the time. 356 00:26:03.799 --> 00:26:04.920 To me, they're like, I don't know, is this a red flag? 357 00:26:06.039 --> 00:26:07.559 Is that a red flag? You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls show 358 00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:14.400 in kf I AM sixty. When you have an insecure attachment style, you're 359 00:26:14.480 --> 00:26:18.279 normal. About sixty percent of Americans have some kind of insecure attachment. So 360 00:26:18.480 --> 00:26:23.160 whether it's avoidant or anxious. I have a funny thing to tell you. 361 00:26:23.880 --> 00:26:27.599 I have a new stool, like a new little barstool thing that I put 362 00:26:27.599 --> 00:26:32.680 together myself. But I didn't do it right because it keeps sliding up and 363 00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:36.359 making me like super tall, and then it starts sinking down slowly. So 364 00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:40.880 it's just it's a rhyde. I'm on here while I'm doing the show anyway 365 00:26:41.079 --> 00:26:42.960 up back to red flags and green flags. Just thought i'd share what's going 366 00:26:44.000 --> 00:26:52.799 on. Here's the problem when you don't have a deep understanding of what it 367 00:26:52.839 --> 00:26:59.319 feels like to have a secure attachment, to have deep trust, to be 368 00:26:59.359 --> 00:27:03.440 able to say and so that perfect little spidy sense that says, this person 369 00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:07.759 can't have a healthy relationship, I need to move away. Many people don't 370 00:27:07.880 --> 00:27:15.359 have those guideposts, those internal emotional guideposts. So instead they write to people 371 00:27:15.359 --> 00:27:18.319 like me and say, look, this person did this on this date. 372 00:27:18.319 --> 00:27:22.640 Would this be a red flag? And they talk about red flags and green 373 00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:27.799 flags. Obviously, people want to prevent heartbreak. This is their goal. 374 00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:32.559 Like, if I can just determine that it's all going to go south soon, 375 00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:40.400 then it'll be easier somehow. So, but here's a problem when you 376 00:27:40.440 --> 00:27:45.799 have an anxious attachment style. You don't even know to recognize the green flags. 377 00:27:47.759 --> 00:27:51.480 Okay, so let me give you some examples of things that might be 378 00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:56.799 a green flag, like go forward. At the beginning of a relationship, 379 00:27:56.799 --> 00:28:04.279 your date seems kind of uninterested. They don't call and text incessantly at the 380 00:28:04.359 --> 00:28:11.039 very beginning. Now, this may mean that they have a secure attachment style. 381 00:28:11.759 --> 00:28:17.400 They're using caution to move slowly because they want to build a healthy connection 382 00:28:17.839 --> 00:28:22.559 in the time that it takes to build intimacy. But here's the problem. 383 00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:29.039 People who have an anxious attachment style often want their new partners to prove to 384 00:28:29.079 --> 00:28:33.480 them right away that they're lovable somehow, and so they put them to the 385 00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:37.240 task. They play games right, and they try to either be distant, 386 00:28:37.319 --> 00:28:41.000 they try to get them to chase them and beg them to come back. 387 00:28:41.680 --> 00:28:45.880 So a healthy person when they see the game player, they're like, Okay, 388 00:28:45.920 --> 00:28:49.839 I guess this person needs a little space to figure themselves out, figure 389 00:28:49.839 --> 00:28:55.480 out maybe what they really want. And then the anxious person thinks, oh, 390 00:28:55.519 --> 00:28:57.839 they're boring, they're not interested. They're just not interested in me because 391 00:28:57.839 --> 00:29:03.319 they're not chasing me hard. Let me tell you when a relationship begins with 392 00:29:03.559 --> 00:29:08.839 hard chasing and hard passion. Love that word hard hard. You know, 393 00:29:08.839 --> 00:29:15.319 there's some hard involved. When a relationship begins with that craziness of love and 394 00:29:15.319 --> 00:29:19.039 infactuation and lust, it's usually going to go south. I just want to 395 00:29:19.039 --> 00:29:22.160 say that, it's usually going to go south because it's based on something else. 396 00:29:22.200 --> 00:29:26.640 And that's how anxious attached me. They want to get close very quickly. 397 00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:32.319 They can't stand living in the land of unknowing, that in between stage 398 00:29:32.319 --> 00:29:36.480 where they're not really sure if it's a thing or not, and so they're 399 00:29:36.839 --> 00:29:40.920 deregulated, and they want they want to know whether you're in or you're out 400 00:29:41.359 --> 00:29:48.119 right. All right. Here's another green flag that often is misinterpreted and thought 401 00:29:48.119 --> 00:29:52.720 of as a red flag. Your relationship feels boring. I hear young women 402 00:29:52.799 --> 00:29:55.680 say all the time, the thing that I used to say. You know, 403 00:29:55.720 --> 00:30:00.480 I met this guy and he's nice, but he's kind of too nice. 404 00:30:00.480 --> 00:30:04.480 You know, he's not a challenge for me. Oh please, a 405 00:30:04.599 --> 00:30:08.839 challenge. This is not what you should be looking for when you have a 406 00:30:08.880 --> 00:30:14.480 secure attachment. All those butterflies in your stomach, I mean they're there to 407 00:30:14.559 --> 00:30:18.799 a little degree at the beginning, but it feels more like peace, it 408 00:30:18.839 --> 00:30:25.480 feels more like calm, it feels more like quiet joy. But if your 409 00:30:25.640 --> 00:30:33.720 definition of love is chaos and unpredictability, then that's what you're familiar with. 410 00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:37.240 That's your comfort zone. And if there's no chaos and no craziness, you 411 00:30:37.319 --> 00:30:42.599 think, oh, this feels so boring, But this might actually be the 412 00:30:42.799 --> 00:30:51.160 drama free relationship that you need. All right, here's another green flag that 413 00:30:51.359 --> 00:30:55.559 is often misinterpreted as a red flag by people with an anxious attachment style. 414 00:30:56.079 --> 00:31:03.240 Your partner feels too busy because they have lots of interests. Now, want 415 00:31:03.240 --> 00:31:07.200 to remind you, if you have an anxious attachment style, you might have 416 00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:12.039 experienced abandonment in your past. And so what you do unconsciously, it's usually 417 00:31:12.079 --> 00:31:17.880 not conscious. Unconsciously, did you try to control your partner's time, Because 418 00:31:17.960 --> 00:31:22.279 if you know that your partner is always available to you, this gives you 419 00:31:22.480 --> 00:31:26.880 a sense of security and safety. So what happens is your partner, let's 420 00:31:26.920 --> 00:31:30.759 assume they have a secure attachment style, they think in their mind, well, 421 00:31:30.920 --> 00:31:34.920 I'm going to see your Saturday, but I'm going to golf on Wednesday, 422 00:31:34.960 --> 00:31:37.920 and I've got long, some long work days ahead of me and I'll 423 00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:41.359 not go fishing whatever, and I'll see your Saturday, because that's what the 424 00:31:41.359 --> 00:31:45.319 blan is. And you're like, why is he calling and texting every day? 425 00:31:45.440 --> 00:31:48.759 What's happening? Who is he fishing with? What is happening right? 426 00:31:48.079 --> 00:31:52.920 And so you're thinking it's a red flag that he's not again hard chasing you, 427 00:31:53.319 --> 00:31:59.319 or that you're having to compete with this other interests. News flash, 428 00:31:59.480 --> 00:32:04.640 people with secure attachment style have a balanced life. They have good social support 429 00:32:04.680 --> 00:32:07.599 from their friends and family, they have all kinds of interests, and yes, 430 00:32:08.319 --> 00:32:15.880 they grow slowly into a deep secure attachment. Here's another sometimes green flag 431 00:32:15.920 --> 00:32:21.599 that you might think is a red flag. Your new partner pulls away after 432 00:32:21.640 --> 00:32:24.759 the cocooning phase. It's usually about ninety days the verse ninety days when two 433 00:32:24.759 --> 00:32:28.920 people fall in love. It is a cocktail of neural hormones that assault the 434 00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:31.279 brain. It's very exciting, as very full of lust and passion and excitement. 435 00:32:31.279 --> 00:32:36.039 It's great, and it's too much for the brain, and it's somewhere 436 00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:38.640 between. Somewhere in the three to six month mark, one partner goes, 437 00:32:39.119 --> 00:32:43.359 oh, this is too much a little break and I forgot who I am 438 00:32:43.400 --> 00:32:45.000 I forgot who my friends are. If forgot I haven't been working enough, 439 00:32:45.079 --> 00:32:51.720 whatever. So there's a little pulling away. And it is at this stage 440 00:32:52.519 --> 00:32:55.880 that the person who has the anxious attachment style needs to learn how to self 441 00:32:55.880 --> 00:33:00.920 regulate, because later in the show, I want to talk about micro ghosting, 442 00:33:01.559 --> 00:33:07.359 which is different from just kind of slowing things down because they've been moving 443 00:33:07.359 --> 00:33:12.039 too fast. Micro Ghosting is something entirely different, and I'll tell you the 444 00:33:12.039 --> 00:33:16.759 distinction of it later. But after a cocooning phase that's been really hot and 445 00:33:16.799 --> 00:33:21.680 heavy, there's often a kind of refractory period where people are like, WHOA, 446 00:33:22.039 --> 00:33:23.799 I need a tiny little break. I need to slow this down. 447 00:33:24.400 --> 00:33:30.279 And during that time, the healthy person that's you needs to self regulate. 448 00:33:30.839 --> 00:33:34.640 Go find your other friends, Go find your family, Go find your hobbies 449 00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:37.200 and interests. Just know it's going to be okay, because if it's meant 450 00:33:37.240 --> 00:33:43.160 to be, it'll be, So you just have to calm down. Here's 451 00:33:43.279 --> 00:33:50.319 another green flag that is often misinterpreted as a red flag. You're having arguments 452 00:33:50.480 --> 00:33:52.720 with the person that you're in a relationship with. Let me tell you this. 453 00:33:52.880 --> 00:33:57.799 Healthy relationships have regular, healthy arguments. In fact, they have the 454 00:33:57.960 --> 00:34:02.200 most amount of conflict, but they are never the knockdown, drag them out 455 00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:08.039 crazy you know, wild fights. What they are, our little border skirmishes 456 00:34:08.119 --> 00:34:15.320 all day long that reinstate the boundaries. So what happens is anxious people fear 457 00:34:15.400 --> 00:34:20.239 abandonments so much that they are so afraid of conflict because they're afraid if they 458 00:34:20.360 --> 00:34:23.519 upset their partner, their partner might abandon them. So they think, oh, 459 00:34:23.599 --> 00:34:27.360 ye had to fight, it must be over right. That's what's happening. 460 00:34:29.840 --> 00:34:31.960 So there are some real red flags though. Okay, these are real 461 00:34:32.039 --> 00:34:35.880 red flags that should make you go, h should I move forward? And 462 00:34:35.960 --> 00:34:39.360 here's why, because plenty of anxious people tolerate all kinds of hurtful behavior because 463 00:34:39.360 --> 00:34:42.880 they're afraid of conflict. They're afraid of abandonment, so they put up with 464 00:34:42.920 --> 00:34:49.239 a lot. Some real red flags are you have expressed your feelings in a 465 00:34:49.360 --> 00:34:52.840 very loving, non confrontational way and they get dismissive, they laugh at you, 466 00:34:52.880 --> 00:34:57.199 they get angry, or they disappear. That's a huge red flag. 467 00:34:58.320 --> 00:35:00.639 Also if they literally don't call you back. Okay, somebody with a secure 468 00:35:00.639 --> 00:35:05.440 attachment style gets back to you, maybe not within an hour, but they 469 00:35:05.480 --> 00:35:10.480 get back to you also somebody who only texts, never calls. They're avoidant. 470 00:35:10.880 --> 00:35:14.960 No, it's not working. Don't do it when we come back. 471 00:35:15.360 --> 00:35:17.719 This is a question I get all the time on social media. I really 472 00:35:17.719 --> 00:35:21.719 want to help my partner. He or she is having some mental health issues. 473 00:35:21.719 --> 00:35:24.599 They're having a crisis, but I don't know how I can emotionally support 474 00:35:24.679 --> 00:35:30.480 them when we come back. How to help your partner without becoming their therapist. 475 00:35:30.960 --> 00:35:34.000 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six forty. 476 00:35:34.039 --> 00:35:38.679 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy 477 00:35:38.679 --> 00:35:42.800 Walls. You can always hear us live on kf I AM six forty from 478 00:35:42.800 --> 00:35:46.559 seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.