Hi guys, it's Steve from the podcast and I just want a minute of
your time before we start the show to tell you about an exciting R rated
comedy fantasy adventure coming your way. It's lizard versus wizard in this magic,
flinging, fire breathing Quest for Vengeance. The Last of the Giant Fire Lizards,
written and performed by Christopher John Feveroff, is available on audio now.
The very same Christopher John Faveroff, known as the voice of rickwalteries build a
Vampire so you know you're in good hands. You can check out a sample
of this brand new adventure at www dot Giant Dashlizards dot com. That's Giant
Dashlizards dot com. If you're looking for some fun, fantasy, chaotic madness,
and we know you are, That's why you're here, then check out
The Last of the Giant Fire Lizards today, available on audiobook and coming soon
on ebook. Jun Well, he did the kid? Join the Questing is
charted? Join the Icy bast Six writers face off by a roll of the
dice tale, Fight Dirty, leave nothing behind but fingerprits and a tall tale
steal a cart breaking fats with plenty of time to kill Icybasts ten episode alas
Icy and you know the Cabby Jasty Fasts. Come on and join the Dicey
Faster. Hey, there a Devians, Junior Adventures and friends. Welcome to
episode one of Authors and Dragons presents the dice E Bassards. My name is
Mk Gibson, your DM and host for today, author of such books as
Villain's Rule and To Beat the Devil and but we're not here for me today.
We're here for my good friends and better authors. Uh. Starting with
Robert Bevan Bevin Beastpeak kind of is introduced yourself. Hello friends, my name
is Robert Bevin. I played the role of Troucer the Sorcerer, The Sorcerer
with the Mulsareer. In real life. I write the Coverts and Creature series
of comedy fantasy novels, the short stories, and a lot of the books
in the Shingles series. Go buy them fantastic. Next up is Rick Walteriery
or better known to us as Ricky Guatemala. Fuck you, Okay, I'm
gonna make sure that joke is never Jack. Keep going. You're doing great,
You're doing great. D Hey everyone, my name is Rick Waltieri and
I play Oofeesater. In real life, I write several different series, including
The Toma Bill Bill, The Dead High Moon, and my most recent release
for war Go check that shit out freakin' awesome. All right. Next up,
mister Drew Hayes, Sir, how are you doing well? Doing well?
And today I am playing Cabert, the Expedients character we will learn more
about in the game to come. But as for me myself, I write
books such as Superpowers, NPC's Fred, the Vampire Accountant, Five Minute Sherlock,
and The Villain's Code, the latest books of which are Villains Vignettes and
Five Minute Sherlock The Case of the Felonious Fair, respectively. That is a
mouthful, indeed, my god. All right? Next up is E.
M. Kaplan. Hey, it's your friend, Emily, and I am
bringing back Claudia, who has died many times and probably that won't be the
last. I write under the name E. M. Kaplan, and I
write Josie Tucker Mysteries. But my newest book is Arsenic and Alibis, which
is the newest in the Virtual Vigilante series from Falstaff Books. Fantastic and last,
but certainly not least, only alphabetically Steve frickin' weaverel how are you,
sir? They're all right? And today and once again playing Stan Dandiliva,
a man trying to rebuild a legacy that no one cares about and everybody's forgotten.
In real life, I'm doing much the same and you can find my
books on Amazon. Awesome. Well as this is, we've had some previous
dicey bastards and the little zero games everybody. Most people got a chance to
feel out the character a little bit and hopefully the audience enjoyed it. Drew's
too busy for me. He told me to go fuck myself, So thanks,
Drew, Hey, hey give me, give me please go fuck yourself.
I'm sad that is true. Well, you are polite about like like
you like, you're like very oddly specific, like take your thumb and then
lup it up and then I'm like, okay, I know where this is
going. All right? Is everybody ready? I'm excited? So am I.
Let's see this is hot garbage. Let's see if this is hot garbage
or I don't hold garbage, old garbage, right, tasty garbage, funny
garbage? All right, who's ever control of that? There? Screen?
Zoomed in. Let's let's let's let's dive into this dive in greetings all,
I want to tell you a story, a fantastic tale of adventure and excitement,
with daring rescues, a herring escapes, and a far off land.
But I cannot. Sadly, the sad sack of crap that I'm attached to
refuses to get up before the crack of noon. I always thought that old
people didn't need as much sleep. Yeah, talking, I'm doing my introduction.
Shut up, I'm doing my introduction. Stand up. As I was
saying, Stan Dandyliver, the agent icon of beloviating buffoonery, who I haven't
even taken as ship yet, I am. I am practicing for when we
do our memoirs again. He pisses away another day of potential prosperity with his
new roommate and bedfellow Jocerah the Sorcerer. Why did he say bedfella like that?
There's any one you should ask? Uh? Hello fellow? I thought
I said top and tail Joe, Sir, Why am I look at your
face? This is supposed to be a practical arrangement. Stop cuddling me.
Is that my clothes at the foot of the bed. No, that is
that is actually so have been paying attention to this series. That is a
nice little rat bed in the newly renovated castrated ram. It has been several
days since dandany liver gave way too much platinum to Trudy good Night. And
when Trudy good Nights asks a favor, shit gets done, you flash platinum
on the street of mud Man. Things get changed real fast. So over
the course of the last four or five days, stand your your old shitty,
weather worn and creaking wood of mildew shithole that you called a bar,
tavern and brothel has been transformed new glass, new wood. Do everything did
they scrape that come out of the grout? And the two rats used to
wake up to humping now have their own little bed at the at the foot
of the bed. There isn't that nice? But if I'm still waking up
the humping although, but no, you have a different wake up now because
again this is a bar and brothel and some of the rooms are actually charged
nightly now not hourly. That's how upscale you've gone. So one of the
rats is now a professional sex whicker, is what you tell me. Well,
the rest of your actual sex workers take up a lot of the rooms,
and with Joriser having nowhere to live, the only room left was your
own. So you wake up, stretch, reach over, and uh accidentally
touch a doughey man booba that's not a female boom, but the nipple is
erect the procession of doors slamming in Jorcer's face upon the realization that he needs
at lodging Like Bethlehem, there was no room at the end. This is
this is your guys's time to shine. How are you guys feeling this?
On this wonderful morning, the day of the recruitment stand, Dandy Liver has
put the word out on the slide that he might have a job in a
far away land with high riches to come. So this is supposed to be
the day that that the plucky recruits show up. You get to start picking
and choosing your team. Ah, yes, today is showtime, jaw ser,
Stop being nude. We've worked to do. Oh, I mean you've
already gotten started. You you know, reached down and finished the job.
We live at an entire time and filled with sex workers. Hey, you
started it. I'm not sure I did stop castlighting me. Anyway, this
is weird. Let's get watched up, go downstairs, pretend this didn't happen.
All right, what are you feeling right now? I mean, okay,
you can't say people didn't know what they were getting after episode one,
bod the hell you didn't need a room. You could have pitched your own
tenth My god back in the zero episode. Uh, mister Weatherill was nice
of to say, give it's not gonna take you long. I it took
me zero minutes to actually just embrace, embrace the suck as it were.
So uh, Georgier, the floor is yours for the moment. What would
you like to do? Oh well, I mean, sir, the floor
is yours, sir on the dance from all right, Stan seems like he's
not as into this as h he led me to believe. So Dorser would
like to, uh, you know, get up, cover his wonder and
okay and get ready for the day. All right, Well you two go
down by the window and taking oh yeah, taking the thing you did at
the house with the press salami. Make that noise where stretches across the freshly
clean glass. Oh yeah, all right, forgot, there's a yeah,
Uh, precedent already established. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Okay,
fantastic, that's not horrifying. Uh, for the sake of those listening on
the podcast service in theater of the mine, how arouses Georser at the moment,
I'm just curious. It's just we can paint a mental picture of the
outline. I mean, you can tell them when I step away from the
window, there's there's gonna be a smudge if you had the breaking glass pane.
Is it like that scene in Top Secret where they're playing tik tac toe
they're shooting to the glass. So but much wess give me much was fantastic.
Well, while you two have your little uh whatever it is you're doing
your room, we're gonna cut to another couple real fast. Uh. At
the bottom of the castrated ram bar brothel on tavern is another couple. Moog.
It's been a couple of days since you've been down there. After you
your little and after being uh put to sleep by one good true good night.
The next the next she woke there is a woman sitting in front of
you, looking a little scorch, a little worse for wear, wearing a
lot of furs. She's rather filthy, just staring at you. Hey,
Moog, not pay for companionship. Wake up, man, I've been sitting
here for days. Days been your days. Move must have gotten hit harder
than harder than they thoughts. Oh so hello dirty bear woman. My name's
Claudia, and I'm weirdly not hungry. If we have been here for days,
you have been here for like it's been like at least let me see
you guy here the day after. So you've been saying here for like two
to two and a half days. It's about two and a half days later.
Yes, okay, so Moog must be hungry, which is a little
scary. Moog, are you hungry? Because I'm really filthy and inedible?
Just so you know, Moove could eat? Why are you offering to buy
moove breakfast? Well, actually, Claudia does have bread and cheese in her
bag, so she will appease the Moove pair woman. How you get here?
I have no freaking clue, but if there are pipes here, I'm
banging on the pipes and say, hey, anybody up there in the bird
cage want to let us out? Uh? Claudia, give me a quick
history check. It's been a couple of days, and let's see how much
you remember from that particular incident. Claudia Rules A twelve. It's not hard
to remember. You showed up. You were following a certain tracks after your
little incident, and you follow the tracks a circle back around to the burnt
out house. You're like, damn it. You eventually made your way to
the town of Galahad, where after talking to some of the local sex workers,
because the sex net is everything, they informed you that there was a
guy looking for potential work for a crew, and you figured why not,
you have nothing better to do, so you came to this location whereupon you
and sure the cash rated ram and saw the the uh uh, the rug
that was a former giant dier bear, and the dwarf Willie Pete who had
killed that dire bear and was displaying it. And you picked a fight with
a dwarf who happened to be a wizard and an evocation specialist who with way
more experience than yourself. You cut off his beard and then he basically burned
you alive with scorching rays. Should you good night? Saved you and just
gave you a healing potion and dumped your unconscious ass in the bottom of the
uh in the pantry storage beneath the tavern. Okay, so Claudia during these
days has braided the beard and stuck it in her belt, so it's like
a little trophy. Moog. I think we've been hired as unpaid interns,
not be hired. Mook was upstairs drinking after after glorious day of setting fire
to El family who will deserve to die, and then mot Move came here.
Moog was depressed because MoU could have wished himself to be an orc again,
but Moo didn't move instead wasted wish. So Mu got drunk and then
decided to challenge barbarian woman upstairs to punching match, in which case Moog lost.
Wait you set fire to something, right, Yes? I came out
of a burning building. Wait you you You didn't happen to be, like,
you know, part of of el family that owns boarding house, right?
Nah, those fuckers probably deserved it. Oh good, good, because
because other otherwise Move would be Moove does not like to leave unfinished business.
But good good to know. Do you need a friend? Mugis had friends
before, not a friend in that way, just like a friend, a
buddy, a companion. MUGAs had friends before most most of Moog's friends have
and end up dying in horrific ways. But you know, this is this
is our life goes. Sometimes Lift smiles upon you. Sometimes lift sets you
on fire and you scream horribly until you burn to death. Yeah, fire
sucks. Move, give me your quick perception check at eleven. It's not
hard to notice like this this basement is, you know, it's it's like
any other basement and of like a fantasy medieval type of thing. It's a
cold storage location. It's like menything down there's moistures, water, it keeps
the keeps everything nice. So there's that mildewy, damp smell but coming off
despite the fil if you see on this girl, she smells like a fresh
straw and cinnamon. Okay, so smell disgusting. Yeah, I agree,
I agree. We're going to what move going to wander over to chamber pot
in uh in corner might not be chamber pot, might be serving pot,
but move going to use it anyway. It's just a bucket, and it
is just a good old fashioned bucket to use it as you see fit.
Give me a fucking bucket if you want, that's your call. Moog will
take a good long pe in it. Okay, not the not the pond
or the small rivers that are down in the bottom here, No, the
actual buck Okay, you do you, buddy sophisticated? All right? Uh?
Do you guys plan on remaining down here for the moment? Are you
just gonna chum it up some more? Is door not locked? Yeah?
Well there's no one's tried it like you've just been sitting it. Moon was
half unconscious for a couple of days after true good night, and I did
naturally back. Yes, it's there, watching you cruefully for two and a
half days. Oh, just continue to watch me as I whip it out
and pee in a bucket. Your performance check. In fact, I want
two rules of me. I want one performance. Okay, So the stream
is good. The arc it's a good clean arc. Uh, now give
me a let's go with a sleight of hand, just to make sure you
know I'm a spillage actually happens eighteen not a drops build. I mean that
writes his name in that bucket. You could like back away, arms out
wide like a Creed video, arms wide open, and just like and just
ark it like mugs fountain nothing fab list is probably done. Appreciate how impressive
this is. But it is very impressive unless unless Claudia wants to one up
them. That's her calls, so I mean that would be even more impressive.
Clay Bear women one cup, dude, I was just drink a call
for that and was spray it. Fuck you. Claudia has been known for
peeing standing up in the past, but she's just gonna be waiting for mood
because she hasn't tried the door because uh, someone up there kicked her ass
earlier. Also, and okay, she'd like move to go first, fair
enough, Okay, I mean move Moo got ass kicked as well, but
Moog also paid for ask to be kicked, so makes it a little different.
Consensual Moog will finished up with one least uh one less flourish and then
he will step a fast Claudia and head upstairs. Fantastic all right? Uh
you guys, you go up to the top of the stairs, give it
a bump bomb bomb, you start to lift up the lid. Looking down
upon you is the woman that beat the living ship out of you, all
right, Dary if you're gonna come up here, are you gonna play nice?
We'll always plays nice. I'm not talking to you, Dary, I'm
talking to her. Does does Willy Pete need his beard back? Claudia's gonna
Willy Pea click it on his best behavior. I've ensured it. Now as
long as you keep the peace, that won't be a problem. Or also
I have to put you both back to sleep. Do you understand me,
dear? Yeah, sure, Moog have a question, yes, Willie Pete
Elf? Now, Willie Pete is the dwarf that was u when you first
came into the sleeping half drunk dwarf sleeping on the bar. Move not care.
He's now missing his beard. By the way, a herdless dwarf is
like is like giant Madden. Baby, It's like a hairless cat. It's
just wrong on every level. Are you two or behind the bar moment?
Where are you coming? Where you came out of the hatch there? And
let's see. I believe Jorcerer and Stan are to the bottom right where they
are coming downstairs after whatever they did upstairs. Stan, welcome to the new
and improved castrated ram. The room it is clean, the wood has been
refurnished. Everything. Like I said, you flashed the amount of platte that
you did, and things get done. Your loyal group of horrores of the
of the afternoon shift are here. You have too much Ted, Molly,
Holly, and of course the mistress Rosie Cheeks. Good morning, Haws,
Good morning, sir, Morning, sir, Toody Darling, you've done a
more amazing John, Willie Pete. You make this place look untidy. What
the fuck happened to your bit? That bitch cut my beard off. I'm
not really interested, man, just smarting. Not All I did was ask
her for her hat and she wouldn't give it to me. Well, I
have a nice hat. She probably had a nice hat. Where's your hat?
Fuck you? Well, you're position yourselves around the room because it is
recruitment time. The doors this is there's a big sign closed for private event
recruiting for team listed because that's what you told them to do. So that's
what the horror spread around. Not much information was going out other than recruiting
a team for adventure and profit. Jaucera, this is my favorite part.
Can you feel the excitement in the air. I really want it. I'm
feeling my favorite part. Right now, I wanted how many boys? How
many girls? Oh? You mean your couck right? Oh? No,
well you're ruined that sort of dumpness. True, dy, some breakfast shots
if you will. I've got a horrible taste in my mouth. It's lunchtime,
dearie. Once again, you slept till noon. Brunch booze? Please
mimosas it is? Would you like prosecco or straight up champagny? Uh?
Whatever? One is a more like paid stripper please. I don't know if
I told you it's choicer. In the last two years I have paid to
developed something of a drinking problem. Oh say that again, standing, you
have been drinking quite too much and I'm not a fond of it. Well,
I'm hoping I can not get into a drinking solution. We'll see how
it goes. All right, Well, it's his buying. Well, it's
his bar. So you guys saddle on a move your character sheet, move
your tokens over to the bar Becau's front and center. U Cowbert, you're
standing outside of a gaggle of fuck wits. That's the best way to describe
it. Like. Unfortunately, the Hooker Network really didn't go that far across
the town of Galahad. In fact, it they kind of kept this thing
to like one town, so the chances of recruiting good adventures out of one
town is not good. So you have a bunch of like wanna bees tryhards.
Never has beens, never could bees. One or two might have potential.
You're currently standing between a goliath named thunder Junk and a tortal named Da
Vinci, both thinking that they're gonna be the next hot thing in all of
adventuring. Are there any animals nearby? Rats, vermins, birds, et
cetera. It's this is off the street of Mud, so yeah, there's
like there's the occasional rat. This week's by sure. Okay, I'm gonna
say that Kavert will have struck up a conversation with one of the rats to
get the information about the local lay of the land. Okay, easily said
than done. The rats network is actually is even better than the whore network.
They used to come to this particular bar because it was a place for
It's kind of like where teenagers would come to make out, and some of
the rats used to like to use this one room in particular to like they's
like screw on top of this old silver fox man that would just sleep whole
time and be drunk. But yeah, they give you the lay of the
land, you know the rain. You're also from the town. You are
very Oh I've tied it all together, sir, don't well, don't you
or that none? Uh so, Uh No, you've got you've got to
You've got the vibe for this town. This isn't your town in particular.
But you know, you've done some jobs for a gentleman known as a father
brand and the mage father. You're not in the family, just a friend
of the family, and uh you're kind of just here the moment, like
you know what he wants you to do, but you're kind of getting a
feel for what's what's what you know? Some of these guys you're looking around,
you've heard tail one or two of them. A few of them have
got some records. Some are just ship just like I said, just morons.
So we'll see how this goes. And you want to do specifically,
I would like to h tip the rat some uh bread from my ration bag.
Sounds good. I always always keep your informant. Well, yeah,
to everybody else's squeak, squeaker squeakers, and but to you know, to
you, it's like, hey, thanks man, We'll get you whatever else
you need. Don't don't worry about it. I also want to add kaberis
in no way attempting to hide the fact that he's talking to a rat that
no one else can understand. Not a problem like you're like again, like
I said, you're standing between a goliath and a turtle. Like you are
not the weirdest thing here. Hey, I got a negative one charisma and
I'm in customer service, so I'm trying to find ways to uh keep that
applicable. It's it's I got talking and I'm flexing it. I love it.
Gotta gotta gotta keep it, keep it real. I also, uh
the coloration of all the different characters of people in mind. It makes for
a very fun game of spot the main character exactly that was on purpose you
in PC exactly these people. This brings us to the part of the game.
I like to call him prob Okay, So who was like, all
right, Dary, the dime is ready. We're gonna start sending in the
candidates one at a time. So does any of our cast like to step
up first. Also, by the way, stand before we get to that
real fast. Right behind you, a bloody face, weirdest shit, murderous,
rage looking elf and a bear woman are standing behind your bar, and
Trudy gives you a thumb over the sholder like, Ah, they showed up
in here a couple of days ago that you might want to sweep. Had
a boss staff. They look like terrible boss staff. Why they behind my
bar? Oh they're not whores? Did I kept them in cold storage in
case you need? Then? He kept them fresh? I suppose you there,
vagrants out from behind my bar. Please you can buy a drink like
the rest of the customers. You clearly have a fabulous hat, So I'm
guessing you're the boss. Uh, yes, that's how that what Jue Srah
have a less impressive hat. I don't need you to outshine me. What
was she talking to me? You don't have a favor and as I think,
it's just a dildo, this is your time and move's not sure what's
going on. So he's just gonna go take a seat and u and watch
no secret of the fact that he's eavesdropping. Fair enough, love customer,
Is it done? Buy? Anything. My least favorite kind of customers.
It's like you go to Starbucks, you order that one small coffee user free
wife for the next You know, if I catch you using the fucking bathroom,
that'll be hell already used downstairs bucket. There is an actual bathroom to
the southwest. The bucket's fine, that's what it's full. Okay, Trudy,
Uh send in the potential. Uh. One of the one of the
characters who are out here wanders in. You see you see a rather a
rather disreputable You know, it kind of gives you like a chill because he's
covered head to toe in a black cloak, with his head covered, and
as he seems to lurch closer to you, you notice these seems there seems
to be drip, something dripping out from beneath his hood. Joecer is a
friend of yours. Some kind of shadows shadow Jaeucer all the time will tell
cam closer mysterious dripping friend. And as he wanders up up to you,
he throws back his hood and you see this horrific thing he's he has no
nose, he has open sores dripping down his face. Kind of looks like
he's dissolving before before your very eyes. And he looks up and he's like,
I hear you looking for adventurers. My name him is Kevin the Leper.
Okay, I don't know. Maybe you're not from around here? Does
lepa means some big different way mu're from? Maybe some kind of wizard subclass?
I am mad? Or just are you just a man with a disease?
He is as advertised. I figured this. I figured this is my
last chance to be a hero before U before my flesh falls off my bones.
It sounded like a good opportunity. And well, you know, I'm
kind of running out of fingers here, so while I can still hold a
sword, all right, I kind of like him, does that urgency.
He's motivated, and I don't think we're gonna have to pay him. I
don't think he could accept a coin if we tried. He reaches, he
reaches out us stand. He's like, pleasure to meet you, and like
his his hand is missing three fingers and the open sores are just running dround,
dripping on the table in front of you. We'll take joeysu as ha,
but it his had to shake it out of the pleasure to meet you.
I assume you're immune. I'm gonna make that assumption now as well.
Tell me, Kevin the what what skills do you bring to the table?
Please don't leave anything on my table right now. It's kind of dripping onto
the giant dire bear. Bears are absorbent. That's what it is there for.
Excuse me? Look at that? Am I lying? Claudia will be
fingering her dagger? Hey boss, do you want me to put the thank
you put this guy out of his misery? I think you're supposed to kill
dying animals like that. Well, Kevin has agency. I don't show how
much agency he's got. Last maybe eight minutes. I still have one ear
left. I could hear you, Hey, Rick, to your favorit roll
me a persuasion role with Kevin. Like let's let's say Kevin's got like a
uh you know, not a no bonus and actually a minus two to his
charisma. So just roll me a D twenty one minus two to see how
charismatic so one you don't see that very often. He's got a dirty one
stand and George for doo with that as you see fit. Well, Kevin,
I wouldn't normally say we have an opening for a human shield. But
I don't know. You like cheap toilet paper, my friend, there's not
a lot of protection going off. So jos, what do you what do
you reckon? No? I don't really want to wipe my ass with him,
but stop. I uh, I don't know. I see the potential
as a human shield. Let me just point out in case my conditions an
issue, it's never been diagnosed. It might just be an extremely advanced case
of syphilis. Jost here you go, what do you think. I don't
think just needs competition. Take a whiff. Does that sound familiar to you?
No, it does not. Your chief prostitute walks over and checks out.
She's like, no, that's not that's not that. No, that's
totally different. Nice one. I can always rely on your very specific medical
ectspatise. Welcome Boston, all right, I said we put them on the
waiting list. Yes, Kevin, wait outside for ten minutes, Joseph,
he'll probably be dead in ten minutes. Sure you just see if he's still
alive. Thanks guys, you, thank you, Kevin. Goodbye? All
right. You see a very happy, smiling chipper person in mad robes walk
in and go. How you ever bought it. How's it going? Well,
we're doing fun. You don't have any open souls I should know about
before we start this conversation. D All right, well we don't know that.
Now let me do you know magic user to magic user? I'm going
to I'll show you how to find out. All right, Georcier opens his
robe and says, welcome, behold my wonder. All right, Now does
this guy do the same? Uh no, he looks very unconscious, so
I'm not sure that's a universal magical language. I think that's just the un
thing. I don't know. I don't need a lot of spellcasters, but
I assume that's how we greet each other. So I don't know. I
don't trust this guy. My friend was just trying to ascertain. But you'll
medically sound for an adventuring job. Now, what's your name? Where do
you come from? What do you like to do when you spend time?
Oh? Well, they call me Tarill the turd mancer. Although I'm for
the term fecal Frankly, tad mance is a bit cute at least, but
fecal matter master rolls off the tongue better. Oh no, well, I
used to I used to shovel horseeshit on my daddy's horseeshit farm. And then
I one day I discovered I could could bend the turds to my will.
You're a toad bender, is what you're telling me. Well, it's it's
a sorcery specialty that apparently not many people develop, and those who do.
Uhla, but I let me. Can I show you what I can do?
You're gonna point to one of the random worker NPCs, and uh,
let's just assume that Arrell the turd answer is good enough that they dashed toward
the nearest rest room, so the close one closer done there would be Holly.
Holly runs down to the bath like I'm so sorry, mister mister David,
I have and she runs into the toilet down here, so yes,
hang on, hang on. Claudia would like to step up. Hey dude,
I haven't pooped in like days. The real test, all right,
that's up to giving. We're not talking about an NPC now, Oh no,
that's up to Claudia. Like, no, it's you know that was
clicked. See the character with agency is asking the NPC with poop powers to
unplug her. All right, Uh, I guess Tarrell the turd answer,
who did not expect to be useful? Well? Uh uh wave his hand
and uh, I guess magic. Say it's only an act of eight.
If you're resisting the magic, you don't have one against deals. So uh,
I guess Claudia, you would feel your whatever impaction you're dealing with is
definitely loosening up at her rapid pace. The weird thing is, though nothing
happens, discipline you could you just don't need to. Just don't need to.
I mean you can. It's kind of like, kind of like the
eating and drinking. You could if you wanted to. Do you want to?
No, she doesn't want this guy to succeed, so she's nothing.
No poopy since a great still illness in your bowls, quiet like an eighty
night sky. Think you're a failure. Quentin Tarantino playing the evil the blind
Preacher, little Nikky. Something's great and evil about you, sensing good things.
The Devil's now if one of you would be willing to take a ship
upon the floor, I could show you my manipulation skills. Sir, you're
up? WILLI p like I'm just saying I could just burn the sky alive,
right, now I think it's I am quite an elderly man and somebody
who can make me have a satisfying ships on command. That's a skill set.
Two birds and one stone. You know, Torcer is not close,
all right? So Stan you've got you've got the turd mancer here. Uh
well, I'm supposed to be putting on a front of the people conscious myself
at the bar. It's not Saturday night, my friend, it's Monday morning.
Ah, it's actually Wednesday night. Oh all right, Well you know
what Willie Pete can pull. Willie Pete, you're useless fuck and all I
can rely on you for always to ship on the floor. So it's time
for you to do that. You're you're kidding me, right? I am
an experience how you say that? But every time I see you, you're
already drunk and you've already shipped on the floor. So let's not let's not
play games. Willi Pete's give me persuasion. Roll there standing with advantage because
you're one. You're his boss until you're killing me, so the tree should
always come with advantage. Givvy. It's true, but I mean he's the
guy I still doesn't want to seven all right up to seventeen. All right,
Well, the idea wasn't so that he would do it voluntarily. Don't
do it on the carpet. And I'm gonna do some way we can mop
this up now, I'm doing over in the corner. Just hang on,
just let me. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. If
someone's saying or or something, it's trady, run a tap with you,
don per request. Trudy pours a couple of things of water just to look
the sound. And like Willie Pete drops trow and drops seduce Hondia on the
floor. Count sad uh Tarrell the Turdmanser waves his hand and the ship animates
like a small clay smelly dog walking around. Isn't it amazing? No combat
capabilities whatsoever. I can't stress that enough. It is just a lug of
ship. It will fall apart immediately. But isn't it amazing? Amazing?
Isn't always good? I know. I think I'd like to keep you around,
you know, just for a kind of convenience. PEPs is. I'm
not sure how use will you'd be in a combat situation. Is you make
everyone uncomfortable and we already have we do need a janitorial service. We need
Trudy just about a part time position in our commode. I think we can
monetize this. I really did. Your end is gonna have the cleanest bathrooms,
absolutely the BUCkies of the fantasy world. They'll be saying to themselves,
where can I go to take a satisfying shit in public after I bought a
drink? Of course, I've always get the fuck out the castrated rat,
That's what they'll say. You have a word with Trudy's son. We'll sort
you out. But you're not. You're not going on a fucking adventure with
me. Can you make it go back up? Can you make it go
back up? Don't don't do that? Please? Well, Georgia has a
curious curiosity. Curious it He needs to scratch, probably hammery. That might
have been from Kevin. Oh no, oh no, I'm gonna eat the
dolls. God no, God got too far even oh God no, Like
it's wildly out of character for Georcer. I cast firebolt at the little turd
monster. How did I know you were going to do that? So flash
fry of stinking somebody like the match. I have a feeling the end does
not smell good. Now, buddy, you just smell good. It's well,
it smells like burnt poop, Burt dwarf and poop. So yes,
okay, i'd say, Willie Pete, you're a neckro Man said, lights
and fucking candles, would you? I'm a evocation. I got this.
I've got the vanilla and lavender ones. He goes in the back of theres
lighting candles because it is a little stink. Okay, tad Man's have a
wood with U. I hesitate to use the phrase back of house, but
have a uh so the turd manser he takes. He takes a position over
here by the bathroom just as a he's coming back out. I am so
sorry. Uh so, yeah, you have a likely new staff member.
Does anybody else have an NPC? They'd like to He might be more valuable
here than on the road. But all right, this guy walks it.
He uh tall, tall human. Uh. He's very fit, like like
disgustingly fit like, kind of like he's got more veins that he should kind
of fit. Uh. He's dark haired, he's a chisel jawl lines like,
good ie, you on here about the job. This guy he's got
an air of ruggingness about him. Some side look like he's not conspired with
a crocoddile. The trick a journalist in loving him. First question, No,
no, it's not a knife. Now, my name's Jack, Jack
Human. I've heard about the job, and uh it might be the right
gud. Well you certainly look look the pot. Tell me what's your experience?
Because he swings from behind him, He swings out a pair of back
a set of bagpipes, puts us to his lips and blows. He goes
on a song and dance bard and he starts dancing around. After about three
minutes of playing, he be mage hand. Now, how crikey, isn't
that good? Wrong there? I you knows need a bond on these advantagres.
Someone's just like really announces that you're here. And when a dud I
could do a little song, I can little dance Scott's I's got that down.
Jack Human is not wrong. My dad was a bad funk off.
But go take your take your harry bag and onto this rugged looking ladies lost
I'm do I love you out on the street where you belong, your vagabond,
Well, aren't you just your shoe shoe bot shoe bonza. All right,
and he takes off. All right, Well, I'm not gonna make
any waves here. Oh he liked him. Well, you know, I'm
looking at the recruits we've got. We've got leper and ship man, which
each have their uses eight both better than a fucking bat. Next walks in
a he's a he's a kind of a swashbuckley titan. Look at this fella.
Ha ha, he's not a bad My name is just in Time.
I am a swashbuckling hero for hire. Haha. Never knew my father,
and I am looking for adventure with any crew that will have me. Of
course, is this man? This man seems rather too good to be true.
What's your peace? I'm seeing a lot of that's right, Just in
Time, he's staying. I gotta be honest with you. I think I
think you grow to resent this guy here. He's like a young Stan.
Well, no, he's got an I don't know. I'm here, sir,
I am not speaking to you. You wait there, we're talking about
you, not to you. That's quite hurtful. Actually, all right,
do you think he's a little bitch? He starts just carving, carving a
j with his sword into the bearskin rugs. Now's your art? Yeah,
and he's not even you know. He thinks he's cool. I can tell
that, but I don't know you bad lady. You seem like a hem
here is to be a half elf and it's like kind of silvery hair.
But he's young. He starts growing a little bit his hand. That's a
bit wonky, isn't it. I'm telling you, young, stant silver head,
that's just age. Did you did you call me? Do you want
me to shoot him? Well? Not yet. Did you seem to have
a good you called out the tadman's to buke. You seem to have a
good sense of character. What do you think of this person? Inferior me?
Or definitely a douche? Well, let's shoot him. I'm add he's
right, doesn't have les, he can't control tads. All he seems to
be doing is sorry, we already have a douche in the party. Please
leave, all right. It gives me more time to find my father.
Good luck with that. Mine was a bad He can fuck off. So
after Justin leaves, you see a small bear ignore the token walk in?
Oh? Can we keep him? I don't he just seems to have wandered
it off the street. He's a tiny bear. Hello, oh god,
he ignore the form. Yes, yes, my name is Kowala ty time.
Uh and I I'm doing two great lengths to avoid my annoying son quality.
All right, stop the fucking podcast. Found the stupidest day. It's
done. I transfigured myself into this form to hide from him. He's just
he's such a fucking douche. Who is well? I have to ask,
I'm curious now who is your son? Oh you didn't meet Justin who just
slept out of here? I completely agree you. I thought this was going
to be a stands I was drew cut my legs. Yeah, I mean
this guy could just be an insane bear, you know, strange bear.
He's just wondering in here. Normally I was always setting up a plot line
for down the line. But yeah, let's let's go with the quality.
I have a little bit of contempt for fathers who abandoned their son's been in
your case, you're probably right. Maybe just stay a tiny bear. I
think you know what. You seem like son of a failure. Maybe you're
my thun what who? Let's not talk fighting what heads you're adorable. I
don't want to stab you. Hmm coward too. Yeah, you definitely might
be my boy. Oh, I see what's going on it, boy,
I like this guy a lot. Somebody fetch a broom, broom this bear
send this cut back to the criddle. It's got a mouthfud it. I
need, I need, I need Claudia to give me some kind of Claudia,
need some kind of roll to resist hugging this bear that's right back.
Oh, go wrestle it, snap its neck. Oh, if you want
to give me a tack roll, if you want to, if you want
to grapple this bear, yeah, it's it's a yeah, it's okay,
wait, tackroll. If you hit his armor class, then you do athletics
twenty one. I think that's gonna hit the bear. He's a tiny band.
I either when you keep him or wear his skin, I'm not really
sure. Well you can do both. Hang as you squeeze him. He
says, you're much too strong to be my side. A clicking at me.
Choke it, choke it. I'm gonna squeeze it to death. Give
me an athletics roll quad okay twenty five Natural twenty uh Drew roll a D
twenty and I don't know if this is just a guy or what a bear.
Let's give a plus three to his athletics. But you gotta be natural
twenty less you're now or plushy. Oh yeah, I think this bear should
absolutely just be silently here the whole time. Okay, you just want to
sleep, but she cuts off its wing pipe. Uh, well, it
doesn't really matter what the plus is. He rolled a six quality time.
Yeah, let's just say his voice box got crushed. Well, miss the
mouthfee bed looks like you belong to that lady. Now you know my problem.
Next this is I heard your little boy Blue. The man on the
moon is unwilling familiar a thing. Yeah, that's a sleep. It's just
I love that she's just carrying this this creature around by the throat. In
fact, I'm gonna give control also to Claudia. I guess that it's like
this is her bear. Now, yeah, I think that is actually happening.
So Claudia, you now have control of that bear as well. And
the person that is transfigured to look like a bear is now your property.
This is better than Christmas. It's either a look. It's either a talking
koala or a person who transformed themselves into a koala. But either way we
know it's an asshole. Like not my problem. Next, I say,
Joe, sir, she handled that back quite well. What do you think
you have a you have a choked to bear out? I don't know.
That's a weight question to ask. Let's carry out. There was a festival
once a tee fling walks in who uh seems to smolder with brimstone and heat
coming off of a Heil traveler. Where do you come from? And why
do you want to be an adventurer? Oh? You do? Uh?
Well, I'm one of the few tee flings that lives in the city.
Uh, I'm a warlock. My name is Matt Demon and uh I've decided
to you know, I heard the I heard you looking for adventurers and uh,
you know, you know a little bit of adventure and I need that
to get out of this town, you know. So, Yeah, he's
motivated, he looks cool. I suspect he's thought range. You wouldn't suspect,
do you think that? But without my uh I found flack left,
I can't I'm useless. So but you know, I really think I'll be
part of a team. You know, I really want to like do my
job and don't mind the brimstone smell. It just you know, you get
used to it after a while. No, it's it's fine. It's covering
the ship. Yeah, that's true. It didn't smell great in here before
you came in. What's your skill set, Matt? Uh Well, I'm
a warlocks, so I can do a little bit of everything. A little
bit of range, a little bit of fighting, a little bit of magic.
I require a lot of law. I need short rest constantly to get
my spells back. But other than that, I am I'm not great at
anything, but I'm very above average at everything else, you know. I
I'm like you're universal. He's more vastatile than you think, as long as
you don't mind me paying homage to a dark demon. Friends, and I
have to sacrifice the blood of the young every so often, you know,
as one does. How Yeah, like that bear, for example, perfect
like that. I could just kill that in its sleep, and then that
that'll set. That'll sait my uh my patron for another like probably two weeks
or so to kill the bear in its sleep. Man. But uh well,
we're gonna it's awake. If it's screams, it's even better. Like
my patron really enjoys the suffering. Well, yeah, i've met patrons before.
They are they are suckers for terrible content. Uh, I'll tell you
what about. We're gonna put you in the maybe pile. How does that
sound? Well? I think all right. I'd like you demonstrate your force
grubbing skills in the meantime. That would be handy if you could just see
yes, oh you did say you were versatility and clean up that giant skid
mark. That would be nice, right, But okay, what do you
pay here? Because I'm looking? Yeah, how do you like them?
App part of the interview? Yeah, consider this a pre internship if you
will. I didn't realize this was an entry level position. You know,
all positions are entry I thought this was a team. We're all part of
the team, but some of us have to clean up the ship stain it's
on the floor. I mean that's kind of terrible though, right, he
casts press and digitation and it's done. Okay, Well, into the maybe
pile with you. Good day. You suck right here next to Jack Human
they compare notes. This guy's a bit of a hot mess. All right,
So you see, you see rather short, disheveled, emaciated dwarf walking.
He's uh, he's dressed in rags. As he gets closer, you
realize that his eyes are bloodshot and there is an upside down hammer branded into
his forehead. He walks up to you and says, I am pig shit,
for that is all we are in the eyes of muddy to Rag.
You think you're you think you're here to recruit you, but I'm recruit me.
But I'm here to recruit you Weprient Centers, and we will cleanse this
town of all the filth and plus femers. Do me, your favorite tore
guy, please take a give me a dexterity saving give me a dexterity saving
throw DC twenty ten. Okay, the lightning bolt from Willie p that's coming
in is let's see as he takes forty five lightning damage uh and is blown
up on the spot. Unless because these are like roughly level two or three
adventurers. So yeah, you uh, you're paste at this point, Thank
you, Torek. Well you look back Willie pieces in the smoking finger,
You're like, I don't like the Holy roller types. Yeah, whoever had
the broom, could you bresh him into the maybe pots And finally Moog starts
clapping like Moog appreciate floor show. This U this most entertaining bar move been
in in long time. Maybe you could buy a drink. I think this
is about the time that Cabert kind of pushes his way through the rest of
the crowd. I mean, unless you want to meet right on target thunder
junk, page turner, the cleric u missus peeps the aracoca lester shakewake,
the bald muscular monk or sir Whisker mittens the tobacxi. Then this is out
the time the Cabert pushes his way through the throng and enters the establishment.
Oh ho, gentleman, only that for us? Well, it's to half
the counts apparently. Indeed, comic cabet expedient. I get your where you're
going with what you need when you need it. Ah, sort, that's
exactly what I need. Yeah, I mean that's what everyone needs, right
wedd they go were they need it? That sounds and when I need it?
Yeah, exactly. He's already coming in strong there, Kibert, tell
me what's your experience, Cobert, do your favorite give me a quick perception
check. Oh okay, Cabera gets the twenty You were standing dead center.
You look around, you realize you're standing the blast radius of what looks like
something blew up or someone blew up right where you're standing. So there's enough
viscera of what used to be a tour egg follower, like just everywhere around
you. You're standing smacking. Cabert will casually take two steps forward, okay,
and kind of clop off his heel. Okay, mind the weird.
Oh sorry, it's it's we need to get that rug cleaned. So,
uh, your father a vague yet impressive introduction, Tell me what is your
experience in adventuring? Typically, uh, facilitate expedient movements away from locations.
I can get you there too, but usually speed's not as much of an
issue on the approach, if you know what I mean. Also handle some
minor patching duties. Looks to me like you are heavy on firepower, light
on mending. And Kebert will kind of put his hands together and part to
reveal a handful of good berries, but basically there are ten magic berries.
He'll kind of just hand them around to everybody. They restore hit points,
so if you are down one, they feel good and they provide enough nutrition
to keep you sustained for a day. How they do on hangovers, they
heal a hit point, so presumably actually it wouldn't hurt it that that particularly
good bearily does one. Yeah, they kind of cure hangovers. They are
kind of like your catch all feel much better, miracle Max, almost like
I don't need this breakfast booze and yet truly two more breakfast booze please coming
right up, Dane meals are part of the ride. Well, that's impressive
for us start for the nature of our our adventure. And yeah, it
would behoove us haha to have somebody that can I can move thing. I
see what you did. I can also, Uh, that was a pretty
good talking to animals. It'll kind of look at the quality, not that
one that one seems like an asshole, that one's been choked out, has
been a limp at a sleep in her arm very tightly. No good barry
for we've already all talked to it. So that wouldn't be very impressive.
Yeah, let's speak up and say wait, move, have question and then
Dan expuly get up, walk next to you, sit down next to you
as if he belongs there, and he will turn to Cabert and be like,
moove, I have a question for you. You say, name is
Cabert. Yes, you don't have to then how come? Then? Hel
come you horse and not bear? I should clarify, I no, can
you answer? Can you answer that? Who the fuck this man is?
Yeah? Yeah, obviously obviously a horse wouldn't need a cab. Then shouldn't
name be horse? Now again, horse wouldn't need a cab. Be a
cab good enough for a bear. That's not what my name means. But
you scratching, I have driven to you know. I think he answered your
question. This one confuses logistically logistically speaking, mister Cabby, do you you
pull a cart? Or am I putting the cart before the I should also
I should also clarify she's not supposed to be asking questions. But again,
it's a good question. Yeah. I used to usually have a card that's
had a had a rough job between carts right now? Part of the reason
I am, oh, well, does anybody else want to ask a question?
Turd manser, rosie fucking whoever walks in up the street feel free to
interrogate this man. Heard massers down at the bottom Poler cures janitorial duties.
The other guys are outside. I actually have a question, Dearie. A
truly good night sets from behind you. Oh, please do, Trudy.
It appears to me now I personally fought the the crazy dumb one there.
Man. It's not bad, you know, it's good for muscle. Which
crazy dumb one? Did I fight you, Deary? Oh? Did I?
I don't remember. I respect your outos. Please now that one up
there, the one who's choking the bed of death. She took many hits
from Willie Peat and she stayed standing for a while, cut his beard off
and even knocked him down. She's very quick with a dagger. I think
you at least have two members of your team if you're looking for them,
dary this if you've got the last guy and it seems like a balanced party
to me, well, you know what, Trudy, I do trust your
intuition. I always have. But I can think of a very quick way
to solve this. If the rest of the adventures would like to enter the
bar, please no. The rest of the adventures are like they see that
done, and like no, they're they're going to back away, but several
other people start moving into positions. Okay, oh no, terrold No,
I've I devised a very simple test just to say, if your adventure quality
fast, rule, don't kill anyone, second, rule, have fun,
and then standanney Leville will throw his glass at the nearest adventure Judy good night
when in the back yell haus assemble and uh to me, my sex weckers,
that is where we're gonna end the first episode of the dice E Bassards.
We will be back as action begins because this ragtag team of newcomers will
take on the prostitutes of the castrated a rambar in brothel. Nice. Well,
that's a cliffhanger if I ever heard one. Oh, without a doubt.
Now for the rest of you all, do you have anything to say
before we sign off for this particular episode? Oh my, don't forget to
tip your server, except for the leper guy Mook's still trying to wonder how
bare his horse. Yeah. The only time you'll overhear Claudia said bros.
Before hose On behalf of Drew Hayes, Emily Kaplan, Ricky Gualta, Walter
Ricky Guatemala, Steve Weatherall and Robert Bevan. I'm Mkay Gibson. We're the
Dicey Bastards and you've been great. Thank you all very much. We'll see
you next time. Bye, goodbye, friend byeye. Dicey Bastards is brought
to you by Authors and Dragons, the Channel by Deeps four geeks. If
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Theme music performed by the Gold Called For They called me Tarrell, The turd manswer