Hey, there A and Devian's Junior Adventures and friends. Welcome to this very
special zero point eighty five episode of The Dicey Basterds. We're gonna get to
the first episode one day, I swear to you, but we're not there
yet. Today we're doing another little something special, a uh getting to know
a character as we introduced them back into the world, like kind of letting
an animal back into the wild, if you will. Uh. But we'll
get to that in a moment. I'm Mk Gibson, your dungeon Master and
author of such books as the Shadow Master series of Villain's Rule and the Techno
Mansag series To Beat the Devilment Anymore? With me today is my very good
friend, Uh, Rick quatemlea wreck that that's it. I'm done, Ricky
Guatemala. That's that's that's e. Screw you up and get all right.
So my name is actually Rick Quilterieri, and I play oo Fresh Easter in
real life. I write several things, including the tone of the tone of
Bill for War uh time Chaser. And I actually did have like, you
know, something clever I was gonna say, but it just rolled right off
my behind. So we'll just throw in a quick Robert Bevanesque. Hello friends,
was it? Was it? The Ricky Guadamala. I'm telling you that
thing's taken off. People are really enjoying that online. Like I don't know.
That's a hit man, a stripper or a hit stripper. There's the
next book hit stripper. Someone goes from town. Oh my god, holy
shit, hang on, we might be onto something. Let me know when
there's when there's a T shirt. Dude, I'm just saying, like one
of us could write that thing with. This is a male stripper that goes
from down to town and like just between oh my god, this it writes
itself and any greetings all. There are legends spread among towns and taverns about
noble champions, righteous paragons of virtue and valor, and then well, then
there are tales told about murderous masters of mayhem, sinister warriors who live for
blood, blood and blood shed. They thrive in misery. These tales are
not proclaimed, but rather whisper. For saying them too loud, they may
cause the gods of chaos to take note and perhaps pluck the streams of your
fate. Our story today is about one of those such dark Warriors, half
ork trapped in the body of an elf. This willowy mountain of muscle and
hate is Moog, Face Eater, son of Narro, Guts Splitter and marked
Testical Crusher. It's been many moons since his search with these foolish motley band
of fools for the Gem of food Mark. Now they succeeded. They found
the gem. They did a number of things. They made some wish and
after proposing grundle sweat laden public table humping with his favorite drewid companion, Mug
then used his wish to destroy the Gem of food Mark and commit reachis side
at the same time. It was quite a sight. The last fragment of
the gem is embedded in the back of Moog's right hand and he can't seem
to get rid of it. But after some time away from all that insanity,
Moog has come to something of a crossroads in his life, both spiritually
and literally. He currently stands in the middle of the wind Whisper Boarding House,
a family establishment that's been run for over one hundred years. Sadly,
the family is run by elves, and Moog, if you know him,
cares very little for the people that he he embodies so very little in fact,
that the family is currently tied up in the middle of the boarding house
with Moog searching for oil and open flame and something to make smores with.
And this is where our story begins. I'm gonna put us on the map.
Well, first of all, Mook wishes to say that Mook is Ork,
not half orc. Stupid voice in the sky. Oh well, then,
my apologies. I uh you know, it's like, does anybody really
listen to Moog? Okay, Moog listens to Moog? So Moog. You
are in the middle of this boarding house, the wind Whisper boarding House.
There are currently three uh you came along the woods sometimes saw the boarding house,
decide out to stay for the night as you wanted the countryside. Unfortunately
run by elves. There are no other patrons at the moment, so move
doing Moog things. You have a mother, a father and a child tied
up on the rug. They are currently screwed. Like, why are you
doing this? Please mister we don't even know you. Will give you half
rate, we promise, please, what are you doing? Okay, stupid
elves, Mook is merely going to horrifically murder you. So that you're no
longer on this planet, causing chaos. The wife begins to just sob on
control. What why we didn't do anything? We didn't We're good people.
Why would you do this? Stop your stopped right there? Yeah? You
you you elf? Yes? So are you? Was you born elf?
Yes? Yes, that's what you do. Elves scum. Moo kills elves.
Thus Mook must kill you. It's simple equation. What, by the
way, where you where you keep a lamp? Oil? Oddly enough?
Give me a perception check. Moke rolls at eighteen. That's pretty good.
Her eyes glance oddly enough towards the toilet. Mook, thank you, no,
no, no, please stop. We'll give you money, We'll give
you gold. Well, you know, please don't do that. This is
my family. You can just keep just for a record. Moo can take
gold and money after you did you? Uh, even though you're back to
them, you field this glare the child uh, a little dark haired child,
points of ears, staring just intense hate at you. Like of all
the screaming mother and father are screaming, but this child, uh, we'll
call them Eric is Eric is just glaring at you. I'm gonna kill you.
You hear me. And this child is maybe eleven maybe at best,
I mean in eleven years, but you know, like the the Elvin equivalent
of an eleven girls what is I'm fifty but still uh yeah, this this
young this young person is just staring murderous intent at you. Moo can appreciate
spirit even from you know, pathetic weak health. Move might be willing to
give you chance. But first, first things first, Moog will kick open
the door to the privy. Okay, uh, inside is just a privy.
Uh. There's like a little washpace in there. And whilst now on
the mapples do you see it or the mind we'll say yes, there are
like you know, kind of like there's like a little desk situation where it's
got you know, you're like you know, soaps, your lotions, your
towels, but also like additional oils. Uh and you know for fire starting
materials. All right, Google grab some of some of the some of the
oils. You know, he will be reminded momentarily of what what name,
what name of stupid character that he's trying to sell Moog oils give me,
give me remember technically, move not care, but trend something you know,
definitely trend something. Can you remember the name? This is a phone and
from move Moog. You know, you having this moment here, you know,
and you as you're about to commit, you know you're about to immolate
living people? Is people? Well, these these entities that speak and walk
and talk. Do you remember your old crew? This this looking at them
even like his you know there was Are there some elves in your crew or
some elfin like people? I mean like, do you even see these people
as people? Moo Mook remembers old party. We kind of liked evil evil
demon woman mm all the rest much hated. Really even wasn't there wasn't there
a certain uh uh no, I think she was half work. Wasn't there
a certain druid that you were prepared to like, uh bend over table?
Well, I mean not sure what came over moog. You know sometimes some
some sometimes sometimes moo Mook feels the need to find find the not whole and
hope that there are not too many bees in it. Yeah, Dix Spliners
that was her name. Oh yes, stupid half face orc stupid half that
is that isn't completely right and we're just talking to himself out loud oh yeah,
without doubt they're watching you. Yeah, he uncorks and he's as he
uncorks the oil and starts just drizzling it on them. Okay, uh,
dear God, all right. At this point, the father is going to
start pleading, please, you have to like I. Okay, you don't
like elves. I completely understand that. I can't help that I was born
this way. My wife can't help she was born this way. Our child
can't help that she was they were born this way. You have to please,
please. There has to be something inside of you that sees us as
living people that you're scenting and we don't want to die. You know,
mook sees you as living. That's why move is attempting to change that.
The person's going to try to roll the persuasion check. You know, they're
they're they're an innkeeper. Uh, you know, they've got to like you
know, they have to do something. So they got hit. They're a
little bit high on the wrist. We're gonna give a plus three to this
role. Sure, Natural twenty, Natural twenty. That's pretty damn good even
with plus plus sort of thing. So I don't whenever I run a game,
I don't believe that a persuasion or anything like that is not mind control.
I just I implore the the the the players who take this into consideration
when they when they role play. Stupid stupid elf. Mug is feeling just
charitable today. You get down on your knee like in front of him,
you know, and like, so here's Mug going mu going to do.
Mug will walk to the fireplace, grab a burning log out of it,
hear God, okay, and he will walk back and he will put it
put it down like here just outside of where the like you know, of
where the the oil touches. Okay. So Mug has his weapons. He
has a orphan splitter, but he will pull out his. He will also
pull out his his his mace, widow crippler. Okay, these just get
better and better. Okay. Mug will turned to the child be like and
look and look him in the eye. Were like your your father beggedick,
pathetic elf, Mug expect this, but you you glare it at Mug.
It almost like you have spirit of Orc trapped in stupid elf body, which
oddly enough, is something Moog understand. So Moo going to give you a
chance, stupid elf child, m hm, Moog will cut your bonds.
Moog will give you weapon, and you and Moog will fight, and if
you win, ten parents live and if you lose, everybody die. Seem
fair to Moog. Okay, all right, I see where we're going with
this. Uh give me a persuasion role ten. Uh, this kid doesn't
take me per no, Well, no, this kid wants to fight or
you go intimidation if you want. I mean, like, here's the thing.
You're trying to implore this child, and here's the thing. This child
is persuaded. Sure you only get a five persuade this child like, Yeah,
I'm gonna fight you. I'm gonna do this so uh so. So
so let's say, stupid elf child, you up for challenge. Yeah,
I'm up for the challenge. Excellent? All right. Uh. By the
way, Mook suggests that you probably try to, like, you know,
kill, move quickly, otherwise fire will spread and parents will burn and Mog
will laugh. So is did you set it? So? Is it the
thing on fire? Now? Set? I set a burning log down,
like I said, just outside of where the oil is. Okay, give
me a second here, I think I got some fire or something. My
assumption is yes, it probably will spread, all right, So I'm gonna
start this fire off small. Let me zoom in a little bit on the
screen so I can grab the thing. Where's the There we go. It's
going to start small and I'll put it put it right. So yeah,
so we now have a ticking clock of sorts. Okay, uh, this
child? So do you attempt to release the child? So I will drop
widow crippler on the floor, okay, and point to it like use use
mighty weapon to battle and then using orphan splitter, I will, like,
you know, just like you know, put it down and just like snap
his bonds. Okay. Now, how the three of them are tied up?
Are they tied up in a circle or are they tied up individually?
I would say individually? Okay, smart, Okay, you snap his bonds.
Okay. Eric looks at you, looks at orphan splitter. Now it
looks at widow. Crypt doesn't matter. You watch his child's eyes flicker and
his hair starts to lift like almost anime style. He points at you and
casts two Eldridge bolts. Three So does a seventeen hit? A seventeen hits?
Okay? Four? Five damage and you are pushed back ten feet.
It's a repelling blast from a warlock child. Okay, so you push back
to your bounce. You bounce off the wall over here, against the fire
wall. That's as far as you go, but boom, and the kid
smiles at you. Come on, you don't think you think I've been suffering
under this, these stupid idiots all this time. You're wanna kill my parents,
Buddy, I've made deals, pal, I've made deals. Let's do
this. Let's dance. And he starts to like it's like fire, starts
to crackler, like you think I'm a right a fire brig it. Okay,
I assume should initiative. Uh we can go back and forth because it's
just gonna be us too, so we don't need a big initiative round.
So, uh, Moog, you're right, this kid surprised you. You
know, uh what you're gonna do, Moog will cast magic missile at him.
Okay before damage. All right, kid takes it. Oh, he
shrugges, like, now it hurt him. I ain't gonna lie. It
hurt him. But he's like he's like he he's a kid, you know,
he ain't a fool adult you know, he's got he's had a few
abilities. But he's like, all right, all right, all right,
Uh that is your turn. I don't think you can't do it two attacks
a round yet, but I cann't move. Yeah, by all means we'll
walk back back up to him, like, actually, excellent first first shot.
Stupid of child. All right, buddy, all right, now it's
the environments and that does start to catch fire, so let us oops parents
burning. Now well it's it's it's circling around. But yeah, actually it
is so like this place is catching fire and the kid and so I would
like us both to take fire damage. Okay, it catches around, you're
in the custom of it. So well, I'm going to roll some damage
here real fast, and we are both going to take twelve fire damage,
both of us. You can do a dick staraty staving through if you like
to jump out of the way, sure, DC fourteen eighteen. You dive
over here, take half damage. You only take six. Kid is stuck
in there and he's screaming like you can't tell if he's screaming or cackling.
But yeah, both the parents are already kind of burning at this point,
and uh, the kid is melting, slowly, laughing but melting. Mook
almost like yusuf stupid old child, you wouldn't seen. I'll see you.
I'll see you. Think you think you won, I'll see you. And
the kid uh he casts another eldritch blast and then uses his movement to dive
into the fire. So he's gonna shoot two more blasts at you that missus
and a twenty hits that hits uh so for uh twelve points of damage and
you shove back another ten feet move appreciate its being shoved out of fire exactly.
You stumble over the furniture. But the kid man something something's not right
about this kid like uh so he like elp, yeah he he actually like
lowers himself into the flames and you see smoke and you see ash and you
but you don't see the kid anymore, just a pair of glowing eyes and
a little whisper on the wind. High will find you and this now this
home is really starting to burn. Ah well that was uh Mook found that
invigorating, Like elf child will We'll find Moog at some point. So you
want to stay inside of trying to loot the place. So are you gonna
try to get out of before Move not want stupid elf. Uh, you
know, possessions works for me. So Mook stands outside of a roaring fire,
and this is about the time the Moog's a I think Mood needs to
take a look at Moog. You know, where where does where does Moog
see himself these days? You know, obviously he had a team and he
uh, you know, he did team stuff. But what is Move doing
now? Mooke stares into the fire and he contemplates this child who seemed to
have almost the spirit of an Orc, except in a filthy elf body.
And Moog also mood like, you know, it takes a moment to contemplate,
and he's like, huh, Mook remembers being being Orc. One day
Moog will be Orc again. No, Moog just wishes and he stops as
he says this, and he says, wait, wish son of ah Moo
had wish Move could have wished to be Orc again. Instead Moog wasted.
I'm stupid gem that now is stuck in stupid elf hand. The moment you
say this, the the the gem on the back of your hand begins to
like crackle slightly with a little bit of like residual pulsing arcane energy. Uh
and it itches itch is like crazy. You turn the back of your right
which Hey, are you right or left handed? I'm right handed? Okay,
well moog is he could be left I don't know, turns his hand
over like and a fraction of that gem is stuck in the back of his
hand, just and it almost like it taunts you, Moog, this gem
like ever since then that one piece of strap nod. Now you have a
very fond memory of a piece of shrapnel going through that princess's head and ending
your life, you know, and that was fun. We can't how can
we say otherwise? Uh, Moo could have turned himself back into elf and
then killed princess like that, which would have been just as fun. Mook's
so stupid, he drops to his knees. It's just like Andy du Frain
and the like redemption hands with the sky, but as opposed to like actual
being redemption. It's more condemnation. Give me a performance, shag how well
does like the Woodland critters know how how how much mood laments is his folly
roll rolls the seven. His heart's not in it, you know, he's
done this before every once in a while, I guess you got to kick
yourself because it's been like, we haven't established a time frame, but it's
been some time since. Uh. You travel with the others and you kind
of like, moo tell me where Moog's been where ever since he left the
people, uh the other adventuring team and I left the Uh. I'm sure
you guys right of the town and took some golden as you're with you like
that. But what what's Moog been up to? You know, other than
you know, el Elvis, Elvin, uh immolation, moo move been wandering.
You know, Moog spent much time in woods, finding many many wasp
filled nutholes to to get to get memory of, like you know, of
stupid half face Orc out of Moog's mind. I'm really sure what Mook saw
in her mm hmm, you remember her name, Stupid half face Orc.
Okay, works for me, the same way that stupid oil lady mm hmm,
stupid pretty man and demon woman who Mooch did like. So yeah,
So I guess that comes down to the question is what does Moog want from
Moog? You know this is you know he's robe in the town. Is
like, you know, you don't care about how ripe you smell. You
know, you didn't even care that the boarding house at a washroom. It's
like it was more like Moves an orc of the land. You know,
he just happens to be trapped in this murderously beautiful uh form that he can't
stand. But you know in his heart he's always going to be a creature
of the land and the forest and and and violence. But what is it
that Moon wants? I mean, move, Move already said, Move won't
to become orc again. Therefore Move can return to tribe. Move had a
chance, and move can suck that up. So move, blew it.
Move knows this. You don't have to rub it in Moog's face. Stupid
stupid voice and skybox. I'm sorry, I'm loosing myself here that voices and
head. It seems to be going around with these, with these uh,
these these new batch of adventures. So so on the outside, you're standing
there, uh fire crackling behind you. I don't know if you take the
time to whip it out and piss on the fire. Maybe you wouldn't because
that might slow the flames. You really want to make sure the families,
these toasty you know, Move not care about them anymore. Moog is depressed,
not like not not even not even screen fading screams of dead elves make
Mook feel better. The only thing I think Moo's gonna miss is the fact
that he did have a chance to eat, and it has probably been some
time. You know, local floor and fawn is fine, but sometimes you
need a real meal and occasionally a real bed to sleep in. Yes,
But at the same time, does Mooke want to eat elf food? Well,
I mean elf elf food is meat with elf hands, and that like
putting elf fingers in mook mouth. Well, that's revolting on all fronts,
I tell you, unless is biting them off. Well, yeah, exactly,
you gna on that. So, standing outside where you're at at a
literal crossroads of life and in reality, give me a perception check with advantage,
because thanks to the burning fire it's very easy to see the crossroads signs,
Mooke gets a seven. Well, it only takes a five, thank
god, was a natural one. You know, like I said, listen,
there's a roaring blaze behind you that brightly illuminates the crossroads sign and basically
says you know the roads, the roads, the road, the way back.
You already know it's that way, a whole lot of nothing. But
there is a uh you know, it's now entering the land of Tottenshire,
town of Galahad. This way town got ahead. Maybe they have maybe they
have tavern not run by elves. That move could get drunken and forget mook
stupidity all right, So Move begins to uh make his way there. Give
me a nature or survival role depending out, like to see how long it
takes Move to get there. Let's do nature, okay, rural roads a
natural one, double natural ones. So after it there? Okay, No,
So what happens is like Moog sets out bravely, determinately, you know,
with gusto in confidence, and marches easily like a day uh into the
following this the clearly marked sign and road, And when the dawn breaks,
after walking through the night, he comes to the smoldering remains of the elf
house that he burnt down. This looked familiar, you don't it? Almost
like Ork was hearing burnt down elf house. That's howful is so stupid?
Move turned around? Let's just say that again, stupid elf body not no
directions. You know it had to have been the elf made sign. You
know, clearly it was the Elvin made sign that sent you in the wrong
direction when moo was never get lost, Mook like you don't always leave sign
like you know, like like like Mook would kill elf children and like mark
tree with elf blood. So Mook always now but no, moochs Mook stupid,
Try again, Mook at nine. Well, this time you Moog actually
realizes there is an actual path. Okay, next time, I won't just
walk on the side of the road to get you know, some not whole
action and then it's some more not whole action. That's always a series of
rights. It was three not whole actions in the road. That's what did
it. Damn it, damn it, dammit. Mook Will like you know,
Will will occasionally stop and carventry arrow to remind Moog which way move going?
Did he did? He carve it the right way though? All right?
So with a nine, you know, the town is usually like say,
a two days hike away with a nine takes you three, but you
get there, you know, uh, you eventually get to the town,
Moog. You get to the town of Galahad. And there it is a
you know, it's it's kind of generic fantasy town. You know, there's
a there is a a a lord's castle and manner up on the highest hill,
and some surrounding uh merchant shops and things like that, various streets.
You know, it's walled off and it's nice and it's tranquil. But you
know, Moog looking the way Moog looks and the way Mook smells, Mook
starts to eventually make it down to a certain quarter of the of the town.
That's a little uh, a little more uh moog speed. You know,
he's not he's not one of those high high uh high falutin types.
As I joke around, all of our guys have a follutant allergy. So
you end up on a street of mud, and oddly enough, you start
wandering one of the eyelids because you're looking for food. You smell food.
It is now breakfast time. You can smell it, and you're following your
nose. But then you get the sniff of something else. It's something gave
me, something ripe, something little on the dirty side, And you enter
two tooth hook a alley coming down the street. You start wandering down and
it is morning time for the horse. So after the night's work, they
are all taking their appropriate horse baths in the horse drops outside, cleaning themselves
up. You know, we're getting ready to rest. Some might go work
a double shift. But the road does seem to lead to the backside of
a inn and tavern. You see a sign that says the Castra did ram
in tavern brothel straight ahead, but as morning time, and so the hores
are all clocking out. But you are coming down the street and there's a
bevy of prostitutes in your way. Move can appreciate, uh, you know,
profession, but move want breakfast, So head to castrated ram. Okay,
do you even bothered any of the whores? You even look at them,
talk them anything to them if if if any make eye contact with Google
just like grunted them. That's basically what happens. Here's the thing after hard
night's work, because like you know, you know, they're reaching hands and
wars troths under their dresses, under their balls. One guys in the backers
like mass son's killing me, you know, So yeah it is, Uh,
it's it's just your standard morning prostitute parade, you know, very standard,
you know any prostitutes though, right, uh not at the moment.
No, Unfortunately, a lot of these are human. You know, there's
one, uh some girl that looks like she could be half dwarf. You
know, she's shorter and curvier than everybody else, or she would be a
short, curvy human. You know, you can get real close to see
if she's got any whispy hair. Move not seen the elves none? Then
then move have no reason to start slaughtering recklessly. Okay, So bypassing the
prostitutes, you come into the beginning of the entryway inside the castrated ram.
You come into it and it is kind of a rundown, damp, creaky
floor bloor I can't speak floorboard type of establishment that smells of old wood,
mildew, but fresh food and laying on side a dwarf. That's a dwarf
laying on his side. Yeah, there is a passed out dwarf who the
more you look at him, he's kind of away, kind of not you
know this, but the way there's almost a dent in the table. Howmuten
this guy lays there. So you are greeted by two women. One seems
to be a well a whore, but she has a regality amount or so
she's probably like you know, she seems to be the mistress or the madam
of the prostitute and a kind of barbarian looking woman. She's older, she's
in her like you know, human years, so she's in her like,
you know, mid late fifties. And she's Uh. How tall is Moog?
I'd say he's pretty pretty average type, maybe about five five Okay,
So this lady, she towers a few inches over you. For for a
woman, she's right around that five ten, five eleven without her boots on,
thick, old strong, it's like a miner. And she looks at
you and uh, she's like, what do you want? Dari? I
really need you to figure out what is it you want? You can stand
here in goack or do you want to play? You want to order some
food? Move? Move? Need food and drink and food and drink you
will have? Do you have coin? Well? Does I mean I did
get paid after the yes QFC, Yes, I guess depends how much I
wasted. Yeah, it really depends on how much you waste. So let's
let's ballpark how much Moog had after the quest for confidence Competence. Let's see
here, had we got five hundred cold pieces that be uh that we split
amongst the parties, so that would have been one hundred for Moog, I
think, okay, and that's been probably like let's let's guess to make time
now since salty bastards, it's been two years for this setting. So for
Quest for Competence, I don't know if it was a running in parallel or
to run afterwards. So six months a year, take a pick. How
long has it been since Quest for Competence? A six to six months?
Okay? By the way, do I still have the cursed Ring of Fandangulus
or fendulous? Uh? Everybody's allowed to have one free magic item, but
you might be taking your swords, so I'm not sure. Yeah, I
would. I would much rather have my my axe. Yeah, so probably
not. You might have lost that in a bet somewhere, all right,
A shame. So so what I would like to do is like, let's
come up with a series of roles. We'll see how much of that one
hundred gold Mog has left. So uh, well, we'll do a penny
wise and a pound foolish. So give me an intelligence role and a wisdom
Well, let me see, yeah, try, I think there's a couple
of rolls here. Let's see how foolish you Werelets see first, let' see
how fulish you were. Let's to waste some So give me a wisdom roll
A ten average. You know, you weren't stupid with your money, you
know, but you had the necessities. And let's give me an intelligence role
to see twelve again, average a little bit above, So i'd say you
probably have at least seventy gold. Well it's been six months, so let's
say you at least have forty five of that gold. You know, you
had to spend some things, do some things, lost a little here and
there, So let's say you have at least forty five of that gold left.
But based on this place, silver will get you what you need,
because this is not a gold established. But I will say this, there
seems to be some renovations going on. You hear some workers working in the
bark the cook slash bouncer. She's like, yes, don't mind the work.
We've received some capital to clean the place up. So the owner is
away for right now. He's off on a little rescue mission of sorts.
I'm in charge now, so don't cause me any trouble. Don't look at
me funny and you'll be just fine. Looks that are funny? What I
Moog will also put a gold piece down on the table. That's a good
Stot. Might just gave you one rule and you broke the rule immediately.
Please, mook, have money. Money buys funny staring. All right,
do me a favor, Give me a history or survival rule which everyone you
feel better with. Let's do history an eighth not a problem history. Uh,
there were tales of you know, you know, Move's been around a
little bit, you know, Moo. Here's the thing. It's kind of
like baseball cards. You know, you collect the people that you like,
or any kind of sports thing or even you know, anime cars. Pick
your card that you happen to be into. You know, you don't have
to be a real master you know Pokemon to know who Pikachu is. So
there were tales of uh, some warriors out there in your day. You
know, some people Move might have paid attention to, some not. But
there is one female human turned barbarrier, and that kind of like Mog has
heard of. Her name is Trudy good night. Uh, known for uh
punching people to death. And you're pretty sure that's what you're looking at right
now. It's been a few years, been out of the game a little
bit, but based on the bill, the description, the attitude, you're
ninety percent sure you're looking at miss Cheudy good night herself. All right,
well, Google pick a pet gold coin. Yeah, you're like Moog want
drink, Moog want food, and you keep rest as tip. But you
must do one thing for Moog. Yes, dary Mood needs to forget.
So you punch Moog in face. Not a problem. Okay, so,
uh, first things first, are you Are you truly asking me to just
clock you? Yes? You see you see pretty elf face here. Unfortunately,
yes, Moog does not like pretty elf face. Okay, so ugly
up Moog and maybe maybe you even knock Mug out, in which case Moo
gets Mook gets wonderful rest and forgets that he is such pretty elf. I'll
tell you what, Darie, you have yourself a nice breakfast and then you
and I will have a nice scrap. It's been a while. And she
looks you over and she game respects game, you know, without a doubt
She's like, but I like to beat somebody when they're beating me back?
Would you would you care to throw fists with Trudy Goodnight looks is his own
arm? Which is he? He is? He is reasonably strong, but
he looks at hers and mook Field realizes that he's probably going to lose.
So mook says, sure, good, because you're going to lose. I'm
just curious. This is inside. I'm gonna make you something special. What
would you like to eat? Mmmm? Something that elves hate. Oh,
then lots of venison by all means meets more meat. Those bery munches can
munch my berries if you will. I yes, so Rosie and she she
gestures over and Rosie cheeks. Mistress of the prostitutes comes over. She's like,
YESU see to this man's needs within reason. I'm going to go make
a fine, not elvish breakfast. I will be right back. Rosie comes
over. She's like, oh, hi, how are you? Uh?
We don't have much in the way of entertainment right now, but I can.
I can uh summon a few If you need something you have you have
orc half ork mmmm. I have enough of half work. Because problem with
half work and he just he's just starts branding problem with half work is the
half that not Orc and moog and that can be anything, could even be
elf. Move not understand why, like you know, why Ork would dirty
themself with ELF, but sometime it happened because sometimes Orc have needs. Like
she is like a practiced basically a quarterson. She is listening intently, giving
you like direct eye contact, looking away as necessary, placing a hand on
the arm when it feels appropriate, listening really at act, very active listener.
And she is like if that, I'm so sorry? Is I I
truly understand? Now? While we don't have orcs per se, we do
have masks and we can turn off the lights if anything you require goose fat
for lubrication, if you need toys to get in the mood, if you
need uh uh someone standing outside of screaming. We are a full service brothel.
Speaking of screaming, are there any are there? Do you have any
ELFs that not like? Is it not like? Then? Then move could
like you know, could take care of that problem. Let's see she get
let me Rosie's got a good insight. Let's let's let's see how well she
does here? Uh five well, well, the plus five. She she
understands. She's a little dim in the morning, it's been a long night,
but she's kind of picking up what you're putting down. She's like,
I think that's illegal in the inside Galahad town proper, I am, but
I there's always mercenary guilts. I'm sure there's somebody looking to uh remove somebody.
That's when the old old Dwarf wakes up. I just burn them.
That's what I like to do. Rolls back over like John Hart and his
style, and I'm stupid fucking kids drunk trunk and Dwarf have have have good
sense. In fact, before Mouke came here, Mirk was Mike was burning
some some elves. Uh. The Dwarf starts laughing. Rose He's like,
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, and I'm just gonna walk back away.
You're not gonna require anything for the night, so the morning, I'm
sorry, I'll just go over here. After a while, Truey comes out
with a basically the fantasy equivalents of like venison biscuits and gravy real heart already
stick to your ribs, kind of like savory foods made from like that you
can basically cultivate from like hunting parties and so like a breakfast stew with a
side of meat and another side of meat and all within a nice sausage gravy.
Right, Mooke will dig in with all the with all the table manners
that Mooke has, which is to say none, right of course, of
course. So once you are once you finish your meal, do you feel
sated? Do you feel like a nice full meal? All right? Like
I mean could be you know, he's just like he could be disgruntled with
a meal if you'd like, Mooke is fine with meal. Mooke just disgruntled
with Mooke. Oh okay, I understand. Trudy sits down next, and
she's like, well we get the wait thirty minutes for your stomach to settle,
or I can put you to sleep. You know. Now with a
full belly, Moog will pull out another gold coin and he will put it
between his teeth, and it would be like you, how you flipping me?
If you can, if you can, you can have interesting. Okay,
all right, I'm gonna put you on the actual battle map of the
cashed Rambar and Brothel. You are on one side Trudy's on the other Uh,
at this point, I would like us. I'm gonna bring up the
little initiative tracker here. This won't take long. I don't think where I
put the initiative track or turn we go turn. In a couple of days,
I was someone back to full. Oh yeah, yeah, you're back
to full yeah without it out. Yeah. Now, dearie, I'm going
to ask you to uh, like I said, don't hold back. How
about this, we both lead across counter punch for punch. Move goes down,
you get gold pieces if you go down. All right, Yeah,
I don't know. Move drink himself stupid well. Trudy rolled a thirteen on
her initiative. Okay, move rolls a seven, all right, Trudy's first.
All right, So Trudy's gonna like smile at you, flick you right
between the eyes just to piss you off, kind of like eye watering flick
right on the bridge of the nose. And let me give him myself an
athletics roll here. We're all fast, or you know, let's go with
acrobatics. With a twenty one, she vaults over the bar right next to
you, then intentionally backs away, bringing on like if you want attack of
opportunity to take it, because she intentionally backed away from you and standing in
the middle of the right, in the middle of the gigantic dire bear skin
ruck. No moog will not take it. Yeah, you're a funeral dan.
It's did move, will pull out widow or orphan splitter Outkay, We'll
slam it down in the middle of the bar, just kind of embedding it
into the wood. Okay, to show that he's unarmed. Okay, fantastic,
all right, and then he will walk over yep, and her arms
are wide bring it, do you all right? Arm strike? Sure a
nine uh one second. She doesn't dodge or move, she just takes it,
all right? Then for damage, not a problem? Your hand hurts
like hell, Like that's not bad, dear, that's not bad. I
are you? Don't talk like an alf that because move, not work or
not elf? All right? So what are you? Then she asks us,
and then she swings on you on arms strike. It's her turn.
If you're done your turn? Ye okay, fantastic. She rolls an eighteen.
Yeah, that hits mooke, thought you warrior Mook's still standing. Well
that was her first lunch, so next punch sixteen that misses all right?
Uh, all right, she throws it. She throws you got a jab
jab catches in the face and rocks her head back. She takes a swing
of a hook at you, but moves battle and sneaks stake over and he
duckts the hook. Are you still talking over the gold tooth, gold piece
in your mouth? Drink that the best you have? Oh, I'm just
woman up to all right, you're dan Come on, hit an old broad
fifteen. Let me see technically she has a sixteen. But again she just
takes it. She doesn't move, she doesn't use any dexterities. She just
takes the punch. It's been a while, like you can see like she's
kind of you. You see a kindred spirit in this this old woman.
She she enjoys the thrill of the fight. You know, her body is
a litany of scars and bruises that have calloused over time. And her nose
is permanently crooked, and for some reason that's even like it's homely, but
in a weird way attractive. You know, it's weird for an older woman.
All right, So give me some damage. Four not a problem.
She takes another four damage. You got anything, specially, you might want
to go get that sword. Deary that acts move. Understand that you're old
and not see you? Well, how me? I understand that you're uh
you know well without without a weapon, you're nothing, That's what I'm understanding.
Well, not trying to kill you, just trying to have a little
fun here, all right, little fun for her turn. She uh reaches
down and this is not I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it an
attack role to see if I hit. Yeah at nineteen that hits, but
she doesn't hit you. She flicks you in the balls? Ah, do
you think I you need weapons to be a fighter? Is that what it
is all? Does baby elf boy need weapons to be a fighter? Come
on, show me what you got so I can. I could, I
could roll some damage for ball damage for her flick will do half of whatever
it normally is, because it's so you take half of this, but the
rest is just emotional and testicular pain. So yeah, you take it appears
to be twelve, so half of that is six testical damage and the rest
is just that aching. We'll call it poison. You just feel that aching
sensation? Oh, and she did that with a flick of her finger.
You know. So she's like, come on, what you got you remind
Moog Moog mom marked testical crusher. As you're saying this, she swings with
her other strike and slaps you in the mouth. Duh sixteen again that missus
sixteen? Missus Okay, huh go get you go get your sword, dammy,
and you almost remind Moog father naral cut spiller move just casually hold that
as his hand and summon Orphan split her. Oh nice. Okay, so
is that a bonus action? Is that a free action? Let's see here.
I think it's a free action, Yeah, Eldard Knights, because warlocks
takes an action to someone theirs. No, No, that's a bonus action.
Okay, bonus action of something fantastic. Swing away, Meryl. But
Moog will hold in one hand and then just still and still just jabber with
his fist. Okay, which misses pathetically to seven. She's gonna allow it.
She's gonna allow it. It's one of those okay, cool four damage.
Then all right for her bonus action. She adds out, holds out
her hand and a mall, a two handed mall. Appears in her left
hand. Oh I knew I liked you. I knew I could smell my
own and then she punches you in the face with the other hand seventeen.
That hits, and this time she's going to, uh, it'll here's the
thing. It's the damage will be a D nine damage to your face plus
where you go one second, an additional twenty two points of four damage from
the ring of the ram that crushes you in the face right between the eyes.
That pretty much kills. So I don't know where your life's at right
now. Negative seventeen fantastic, so moog. It's like, in this brilliant
display, she told you to get the weapon, and you did, and
then you watched her. While a barbarian clearly has some levels in fighter.
Also, when Eldridge Knight summoned her own weapon and mirrored you back, clocks
you with her right hand and released the ring of the rams force damage,
it lifted you off. You are like a punk ass in a nineteen eighties
action comedy about the guy who's trying to like his dash when to shut down
the community EREC center kind of guy, Well, you just got uppercutted on
too, Like you know, the prom table up bending the punch bowl.
Move is lifted off his feet, clear's air for a good It feels like
a good three seconds to you as you slowly fade out of consciousness, and
the last thing you remember was when you hit the hardwood floor, clearing the
edge of the diar bear over to hear is Trudy good night, chuckling to
herself. I like that boy. If move died, then move go before
andrac and then I'm sure Andrek will to move you disappointing an undisclosed amount of
time later, you wake up and I'm gonna turn off to move turn order.
There we go. You wake up in a basement. Your wounds have
been tended. Your clothes are clean, disgustingly so like you have been top
to bottom clean. You are just in a way of blissful happiness comes over
to you, just something about like for because for it could have been days
you didn't remember that You're in the body of an elf. And there's a
little note next to you saying when it's time come upstairs, dary. There
there'll be food waiting for you. And if you wont another round, I'll
be there. Sign uh Trudy, good night. Uh, your weapons are
around you. Your clothes, like I said, are clean. Your your
gold's been replenished. It's like you're all the gold you spent. It's back
there. But there is Uh one of your teeth has been removed and replaced
with a gold tooth. You know, full memories, Dian and Uh Moog
in the bottom of a basement. Kind of blissed, Moog. How are
you feeling right now? So you move? Moog? Beaten, unconscious in
fair fair combat Moog enjoyed, blissful, Uh, blissful, no oblivion.
Mm hmmm, Now book Moog, feel like it's time to pick up the
pieces and try to find new quest. M You know that's I think that's
a fair I think that's a fair call for our friend move because you know,
call me crazy or you know, but sometimes, you know, certain
fake things happen, dungeons and dragons, plot contrivance happens. But I have
a feeling this is not the last we're gonna see of Moog there in the
basement of the castrated to ram. But it is what we're gonna leave this
adventurer Uh, We'll leave this adventure friends, as this is the end of
episode zero point eighty five, uh and interlude with Moog if you will,
Uh, Rick, is there anything you want to say to the to the
to the A and Dvians and junior adventures out there? I mean, you
know, I appreciate everybody, everybody you know who who listens in. I
hope they're all looking forward to uh, to the coming the coming game Dicey
Bastards, and I have a feeling that once, once we're all together,
however, in whatever formed, that will be well. I think that's when
that's when the real funnels start. Oh so you didn't have fun, Well,
fuck you too, Rick, Yeah, I'm thinking like, oh we
had a good time. Oh no, you're sorry. Fans you have to
see behind the scenes now when mom and dad fight. But on behalf of
Ricky Guatemala. I've ben MK Gibson and it has been our pleasure to run
this for you. We'll see you all next time, and thank you for
tuning again. Bye bye, everybody. Bye. You've been listening to Dicey
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