This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KF I Am six forty,
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app Doctor Doctor Gilly the
Lows, I gotta's loving you. KF I Am six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I
am here every Sunday from seven to nine pm. And I am in love
with love. Well, I'm in love with the science of relationships. The
good, the bad, the ugly, the difficult. That is my bag.
Uh. You know what. The fallout continues with the Golden Bachelor couple.
You know, I followed every little bit about it right, and then
they get married and their divorce. They announced their divorce just three months later.
Uh. This week the Golden Bacher's name is Gary Turner. Teresa Nist,
Teresa NIS's daughter speaks out, Jen Wolston. She says she will always
think of Jerry Turner and his kids as family. Yes. She opened up
about the split on Instagram, of course, alongside a photo of the couple
and their families at a favorite a famous wedding course in January. She says,
I had only the loveliest experiences being with Gary and his family, and
I will hold the days we were off officially family, those just ninety days
in my heart forever. We will think of them as family. Always Gag
me with a spoon. Okay, everybody knows how to do this publicity now,
even the daughter. So they revealed on NBC The Today Show that they're
splitting after three months. They the big reason they're giving the world is that
their separation was really caused by the distance. Apparently he lives in Indiana,
she lives in New Jersey. They're not that far apart. But I have
my take, my opinion, my gossip on what I think are the real
reasons for their divorce. I'm just going to get this out. By the
way, I'm going to pause to tell you that later in the show,
I want to talk about you and your love life, how to have better
fights. Is it possible to have love at first sight. I'll be answering
your questions when I'll give out the phone number later. And I'm going to
teach you some self talk that you should never be using. And I think
that maybe Gary and Theresa should listen to the show. All right here are
the real reasons for their divorce in my opinion, she actually has said this.
She was on a podcast in March and got married in January called Deer
Shandy Podcast, and she said that her career is a big problem. She
said, I still work, so that's a hurdle. She was able,
apparently to get time off to do the show. She said that she was
probably only going to be on the show for one day and then kicked off,
and then it just kept going and going and going, so it ended
up being weeks. But I have a question. They're both they're golden.
They're golden, which means they're older, right, She's how old is Teresa
anyway? I think she was the one of the oldest bachelorettes. I think
she was seventy and he's seventy two, so they both get Social Security.
Why is she working? Like, seriously, why is she working? Does
she not have any savings, pension plan, real estate whatever. Also,
he's supposed to be this big restauranteur, right, where's his money? He
doesn't have enough money support her. Why does she have to work? She's
seventy years old. The age of retirement is sixty five, and she's not
saying, you know, I love my job and it brings great meaning to
me, and it keeps me alive and it keeps me going. I really
want to keep my job. No, she said, I still have to
work, so it's a hurdle. There's a money problem between the two of
them. Okay. Also, I believe there's a bit of a social class
clash. Apparently she's classier than him. Maybe in New Jersey is a classier
place than Indiana, I don't know. Apparently a podcast host, Casey Kate
Casey, claimed that she had details. Here's her source. Her son's girlfriend
is friends with Jerry's youngest granddaughter. Look at that, Okay, the podcast
host has a son, that son has a girlfriend. That girlfriend is friends
with Jerry's youngest granddaughter. To figure that out anyway. So apparently the news
is that Jerry wanted a divorce because he felt that Teresa was too a uppity
uppity for him and it used the example to the family as he was complaining
about her that she would not pump her own gas, would not pump her
own gasse, girls, she should not have to. That is ridiculous.
I literally hate pumping my own gas so much. Out here it's ridiculous.
Okay, do you know why. I don't think the rest of the world
knows. In New Jersey you're not allowed to pump your own gas. She
may not even know how to do it. I learned in twenty twenty.
Uh huh. And I want to tell you, guys, the first time
I told Julio I loved him was right after he pumped my gas. Because
I have been and that is not a metaphor. Do not make that face.
Okay, what after he pumped my gas? Okay, So what happened
was I have pumped my gas my whole life. I had brothers who showed
me how to drive a stick and pump gas and change. I took auto
mechanics in school. I changed a gas ket on a gas on a gas
plug. I don't know what I did. I did something in ninth grade.
Then I got kicked out for wearing open toed shoes in the shop.
That guy so sexist. Anyway, So I also was a single mom for
eighteen years driving kids around. I've driven and driven and driven and driven and
drove everywhere my hole life. And to get in the passenger seat every once
in a while is just such a treat. So anyway, we were doing
a long drive he and I like where we switch off every few hours down
the five the whole state of California. We know it well. And we
pulled in a gas station. I was in the driver's seat, and he
very quickly popped out and ran around to the other side and started pumping,
and he came over to give me a kiss to use his time up while
it's pumping. And I said to him, I love you, and he
said, are you for real? You're doing this at a gas station.
You are not romantic. This is not romantic at all. Okay, back
to the Golden Couple, poor conflict resolution skills. M A source told US
magazine that Teresa's inner circle wasn't surprised by the split, that they didn't see
eye to eye. In fact, they'd been fighting, say the friends every
day since the wedding. But here, I think is the big one.
Their mate status increased. When you get the limelight on you and then you
go home to your hometown, you realize how datable you are in your own
backyard, and they're like, hey, wait, I could get somebody even
better right here. It's like the curse of the female oscar Win. Did
you know that in like ninety percent of the times if a woman wins an
oscar and she's married, she's divorced within the year. Oh yeah, there's
a whole thing. It's the curse of the female oscar Win because she realizes
her value and the mate. Okay, now the bigger question is why the
heck did they get married? When we come back, how to avoid the
relationship mistakes that happened with the Golden Bachelor and Bachelorettes? Why bother getting married?
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Well, let's talk a little bit about marriage. Why do people get married
nowadays? Well, I really believe that while people can live independently and they
can be economically, it's you know, less of an economic necessity. Certainly
for women, they don't need marriage like they used to. Marriage is a
public commitment for many people. It's a spiritual commitment, a religious commitment.
It's a public commitment where you're now sort of doing business socially as a couple.
And I believe there are two times in people's lives when marriage is probably
pretty appropriate, when they're young and when they're planning to have a family,
right when they're young and planning to have a family. That's a good time
because even though you know we would love it to be we would love for
this to be the future where there would be childcare in every workplace. The
truth is that legally the best nest we have for kids in modern American capitalism
is marriage. Right, we know the kids do better to parent, household,
et cetera. The statistics are there. The other time that I think
marriage is good and appropriate is at the end of our life span, when
our bodies are eventually going to start to fail us. Because what is a
relationship is that it is an exchange of care. That care can take all
kinds of forms, but as people get older and start to think about retirement,
it actually means instrumental care as our bodies start to step down. You
may know that I'm engaged at the age of sixty something. Yeah, and
I'm very excited about it because this is going to be a time or someone
actually says till death do us part, and we mean it. I'm not
saying we're going to kill each other. We're going to be there till the
end. Remember when til death do us part was invented, death was pretty
imminent. Even the most monogamous of people can expect two or three long stances
of monogamy in their lifespan, with some mate selection in between. So why
did the Golden Bachelor and the Bachelorette Jerry and Teresa Gary Gary and Teresa get
married. Well, let's do a little timeline. So they met in September
of twenty twenty three on a TV set with lights, cameras, action,
people fawning over them, hair and makeup, et cetera. She didn't get
that first impression Rose, but remember when she got the very first show when
she got out of the limo, she was wearing her birthday suit that wasn't
actually she came out in a robe, and then she opened up the robe
and said for you, it's my birthday, so I wanted to show you
my birthday suit. And she opened the robe and we're all like, ough,
seventy year old woman, are we gonna see her naked? But she
was wearing a skin colored like spanks or Kim Kardashian's skins or something, so
we couldn't actually see anything. When they did their little first date, she
gave him a kiss just to get some of the frosting off his mouth.
Yes, she was pretty forward, all right. By November they start on
the show. They started having overnight dates, and this is when Gary was
full on head over heels. When they went to the Fantasy sweets. He
said, it's the first time he seriously told her he loved her. He
said, I said it three times, Teresa, I love you, I
love you, I love you. So that's November. They you know,
she picks her, she wins the show. Yeah, yeah, yay.
On December thirty, first they jet off to New York City to celebrate New
Year's even Times Square. Another fantasy night in a long line of fantasy nights.
Let's pay attention to that word fantasy. Nothing about what happened to them
is a real relationship at this point. Okay. Then they announced they do
like an after the show special, after the Rose Special, and they announced
there that they're getting married in a here's the keyword televised wedding special, and
they shared plans to move to Charleston, South Carolina. Now let's go back
and remember he's living in Indiana, she's living in New Jersey. They announced
they're moving to Charleston, South Carolina. On January fourth, they got married
and they had this big, fancy televised thing. Okay, I'll tell you
everything they did wrong because they're divorcing now. First of all, she was
too sexy, too soon, and he was an old guy who just went
for it. Right. She'd gave him kiss on the first date. She
showed up in her quote unquote birthday suit. The other thing, they were
in the Hollywood limelight for their entire relationship. All their dates were paid for.
They were fake. Look, if money's flowing and health is good and
you've got a glam squad around you, anybody can fall in love any two
people. Also, because the way the show's set up for competition, right,
they perceived mate competition. Remember the drama with Kathy, the other woman
who yelled at Teresa because she was disclosing too much about a private dates and
she didn't like it. So, you know, set up a little competition.
And then the proposal was in Costa Rica. Can you get more romantic
than that little tropical We'll do on your skin in the humidity. Right,
And let's get to the real reason why they got married. They were paid
to get married. Do you think thatvised ceremony was for free? They might
have gone on The Bachelor for free. They might have not been given a
stipend to do the after show, but no way did they put together this
huge, big TV show and a big glamorous wedding and they didn't get bank
for it. That's my opinion. They got paid to get married. This
whole thing was fake. You guys. TV's fake. Oh you know that
reality TV is an oxymoron? It is not is not. Yeah, So
I think what we can learn from it is, don't date with cameras around,
don't date in some kind of fake setting, and slow down people.
Don't have sex too quickly, don't get in some fantasy suite too quickly.
Really, don't rush it. Spend some time. They visited each other's families
like once, and then they get married. No, no, you gotta
go visit see what the tribe is like. That's what I say. Hey,
when we come back, can we talk about birthday blues. I've got
a birthday coming up. It's not a round number, nothing to see here,
but it's a it's a birthday. And I've noticed that I've been feeling
a little down lately, and it's not about getting close to death. It's
about a bunch of other things. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand
from KFI Am six forty. So I'm gonna share a secret with you,
Kayla. I don't even know if you know this secret. So I've been
with my Julio like almost four years, and I've never celebrated my birthday with
him. No. No, I mean there's always a reason, like one
of us is out of town. I mean we celebrated but at a different
day and all that. But my actual birthday, I either take control myself
and organize something. So it took me a little time to analyze this.
And the analysis is that maybe I feel like a man is gonna let me
down. They're not gonna celebrate me the way I deserve to be celebrated on
a birthday, so I go and control. You know, there was one
year I can't remember how old I turned, but I had gone to culinary
school for that year, and I had a dinner party for all my girlfriends
and I cooked everything. I even baked my own birthday cake because I was
trying to show off my cooking skills, right, and I had like fourteen
girlfriends there and I was dating someone at the time, and he was invited
and he didn't show, and then he tried to make it seem somehow like
it was my fault and sent me some nasty text or something. It was
something on the phone, you know. And I knew that he didn't show
because we had only been dating like three months, and so he didn't show
because that would have been making a public statement that we were together as a
couple, right, And all my friends were there, But it reconfirmed my
belief that a guy cannot be counted on to give me the love that I
deserve. I'm on birthday, I take it back. There was one birthday
we were together up at my farm in Oregon, and he said, what
do you want to do for your birthday? And I said, we really
need to go to home depot and we need to do a dump run.
And we load up my truck and we went to the dump. I'm telling
you, I felt very happy that day because those dumps. Have you ever
been inside one of those dumps? First of all, they have the big
jaws of life that pick up the trash and take its big like if you're
a guy, you should be really into it, but I'm a girl and
I was totally into it. And you get they give you a spot and
you back up where all these big machines are ready to take your stuff,
and you stand in the back of your truck with big gloves on and you
just throw everything toilets, metal, trash bags, glass, and you just
throw it like just like get into the air, crashing down, and then
you have a little broom and you sweep see sweep your truck out, and
then you got to move fast because there's another truck waiting to come into your
spot. And it's very exciting and it's loud. All the people working there
have earphones on and it's exciting. So that was That was my birthday.
When you're okay, so this year, my birthday's coming up in a little
bit, I'm doing I've made no plan. It's the first time ever there's
a big test for me. No plan, nothing, So it's all up
to Julio to execute the perfect birthday. I have no doubt that he's naturally
a caring, thoughtful person. So yes, it's gonna be great. What
if he forgets it's my birthday? Nobody can forget your birthday. When I
even know your birthday, I'm not engaged to you. He's a big card
guy. He does right, really, mushy cars and words of affirmation are
so important. That's right, that's the thing. Okay, So when we
celebrate our birthdays, we're essentially celebrating ourselves. Have you ever known here's another
thing about birthdays. I love? So, you know, I always believe
that every friend we have actually enlivens a part of our personality. And you
know how when you put a dinner table together with all your friends, many
of them don't know each other because you know them from different parts. Maybe
you work with some, maybe you go to pilates with some, maybe to
school with some, whatever, whatever, and then some are just friends.
You get them together at that dinner and don't you feel complete because it's like
all pieces of your personality together at one table. I love that. So
some people, though, do have the birthday blues, negative feelings about their
birthdays. Maybe it's tied up to previous negative experiences. The one that happened
to me wasn't the thing that created it. I was actually thinking back,
wandering back into my childhood today, going did I have any great birthdays or
bad birthday experiences. And I don't even remember many of my birth I remember
one birthday with pin the tail on the donkey in the basement of a blindfold
on and I remember one barbiecake that my aunt made, but I don't remember
it being well. I don't think birthdays were as big of a deal back
then as they are now. That's the other thing I mean with my kids.
I rented ponies, I had all kinds of nuts. One kid,
when she turned thirteen, wanted a big old part and they pretended they had
a nightclub inside. And all we did is drove around LA and stopped for
pizza somewhere. I know things we do for our kids. Okay, So
some people, though, look back and think, have I accomplished enough?
Right? Maybe I'm reflecting, and some people might just have a fear of
death. I don't have that. I actually follow this woman on TikTok nurse
Julie. I think hospice nurse Julie. Hospice nurse Julie, And she's a
hospice nurse who has sat by the beds of thousands of people who've passed away,
and her TikTok channel is all positive stories of death and dying, and
I feel like so prepared for whenever it ever happens to me way down the
road, folks, decades and decades from now, down the road. But
I don't have that fear. So how do you know if you have birthday
blues? Well as leading up to your birthday? Do you notice a change
in mood that persists for several days? Yep, that's me. Are you
feeling kind of down low sad? Yeah, but I'm blaming on other things.
M M. Are you crying more often than usual? Hey, I
have to tell you something. Don't tell anybody this. So when you're young,
you have more estrogen, and when you have more estrogen, you cry
more often, and then you get old and you get cold and bitchy.
You just don't cry, but you're not. But I can't cry anymore,
really until a couple of months ago. Don't tell anybody this, Okay,
it's just you and I hear right, Yeah, nobody knows. I went
on the estrogen patch and I was crying at a movie. I don't even
remember which movie, but there was a sad scene. I started going.
I said, Oh, I haven't cried over a movie or you were like,
oh, let me take this patch off. No, it's a release.
It's like a really big relief. I think my hair got thicker,
my lips got fuller. Yeah, it's a good thing. Then I called
my doctor and I'm like, am I gonna get cancer from this thing?
And she said, let's cut the dose in half. You're getting a big
response. Okay. Well, so if birthday signs of the birthday blues might
be that you're ruminating about the past, you're stressing about how much time you
have left to live, that's definitely not me. Not having energy or motivation,
changes in sleep pattern, changes in appetite, wanting to avoid the actual
day of your birthday. I don't like it when people do that. All
right, here's what I want you to do. Just allow all feelings okay,
and practice a little self compassion, self soothed. Remind yourself that you're
a human being. We all have a range of emotions. It's okay.
Talk to someone you love and trust, reach out to somebody. Please talk
about this and do something healthy for your birthday and celebrate however you want.
Don't do a party just because other people think you need to do a party.
I mean last year, I actually went hiking in the wilderness and sat
by a lonely lake in the middle of nowhere. You can look on my
Instagram. It's there. That's what I did for my birthday. I was
just alone. I loved it. I'll let you know what happens this year.
It's coming up, coming up. All right, when we come back,
do you believe in love at first site? Let me lay the science
on you. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI Am six
forty. I'd like to welcome my TikTok audience. If you want to see
what we're doing here in the studio, just log on to TikTok and at
doctor Wendy Walsh and you can see what we're doing in the studio. All
right, let's talk about love at first sight. A lot of people think
it's real. You know, there's a term producer Kayla that I hear and
it makes me get itchy. I don't like it. What term limericks?
No, soulmate? You don't like that term soulmate? I have like seven
soulmates. No, yeah, okay, that's better. Seven soulmates. Yeah,
okay. I'm just gonna tell you in a word, scientifically, there
is no such thing as love at first site. Okay, you know what
happens at first site last, but that's not love. I liked it of
love as the as an action word, the verb to give. So researchers
in love about love talk about love is having a biological, a psychological,
and a social piece. Biologically, we are meant and people talk about chemistry,
right, we're meant to get close to people often because they have the
right combination of pheromones. They smell delicious. You know what the right combination
of pheromones means. It means that they have different immune cells than you do.
Yeah, back in our anthropological past, that's how you could tell if
somebody could make it fit babies with you. You would smell them. If
they smell delicious, you'd want to have sex because the pheromones that they're giving
out indicate what kind of disease is they're immune to, and if they're different
from this group that you are immune to, then you're going to make a
stronger human. So it might be smelled, might be sight things that there's
a research to say that we are, you know, deliciously attracted to people
that look just a little bit like our opposite gender parent, Uh huh,
something like that. So that's the biological piece. Then there's the psychology attachment
style. Right. You know, love isn't about finding happiness. Love is
about finding the familiar. So if somebody has a kind of family system or
attachment style that matches yours in some way, you might find that attractive.
Then there's the social piece. That's what we put in our dating app profiles,
how old we are, how tall we are, what we eat,
how we vote, what zip code we live in. That's just the social
piece. Because you could have great pheromones and you could have a great attachment
style, a secure attachment style with somebody who has another secure attachment style,
But if you have a different social class or live in a different place,
it's not going to work. Right at Cornell University, there's a famous researcher
name Robert Sternberg who has what's called a triangular theory of love. He believes
love is about passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion, he would say,
would be the physical passion the lust the attraction. Intimacy would be the
emotional intimacy, and commitment is The intellectual piece is when you do a real
cost benefit analysis after the hormones die down, and you go, do I
really want to be with this person? Is it going to work out?
Yes, I'll make a commitment. I'll stay in there even when the going
gets tough. That's commitment. Now, it's only a lucky few who have
both passion, emotional intimacy, and commitment. Any of people just have two.
They don't even have all three. Right, So what exactly is love
at first sight? Well, it's a big surge of hormones, that's all.
It is a bunch of neuro hormones that are activating the brain, and
they're actually activating the scent of the areas of the brain responsible for addiction and
behaviors. So you see somebody, you find them physiologically attractive, your brain
wants to see more and more and more of them, and you call it
love at first sight. You might even go so far as to call it
I've met my soulmate. No such thing. You know, relationships are far
more about skill than they are luck, And if you have good relationship skills,
then you're going to find far more people are attracted to you, and
you're attracted to more people because you have good relationship skills. So I mentioned
that the biological piece is kind of hysterical. There's been lots of research to
show that people prefer faces of paramours who resemble those of their opposite sex parent.
Can you believe it? And it sounds kind of creepy. The neurotransmitters
that I'm talking about include dopamine, ner adrenaline, cortisol. That's what happens
when you're first attracted to somebody, and this is why it's important. You
may think you have found love at first sight, but it's probably just lust,
and plenty of people make some very bad decisions in that early stage of
a relationship when they're just in the lust phase. Love develops over time.
So what happens is, here's how the neural hormones work. At the very
beginning, you are getting this surge of neual hormones like, oh my god,
I love this person, I want to be with this person, let's
be together all the time. They go into that cocoon phase right and after
a while, just like a drug, you develop a tolerance. Your brain
gets used to these neural hormones. You want more and more and more of
the person until all of a sudden you're like, wait, it doesn't feel
as exciting to see them anymore. Plenty of people make the mistake of thinking
at that stage, and it could happen at three months, six months,
nine months, whatever. They make the mistake of thinking that they've fallen out
of love when their brain becomes used to those neuro hormones. In fact,
this is when love is just beginning, because the lust is dying down and
now it's safer to get into more emotional intimacy. For many people, the
act of exposing themselves physically at the same time that they're exposing themselves emotionally is
like too much for the brain to take, so they do it in these
kinds of stages. Then when you build the emotional intimacy, you can make
the decision about whether you're going to make an intellectual commitment to love. What
is a relationship? It's an exchange of care are you going to and it
is the action word to give. That's what love is, to give to
another and decide to give to another. All right, when we come back,
I am going to take your calls and answer your social media questions.
The number is one eight hundred and five two zero one five three four.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. One eight hundred five two
zero one KFI. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always
hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app