WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.160
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to KF I Am six forty,

2
00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:12.519
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app Doctor Doctor Gilly the

3
00:00:12.640 --> 00:00:27.079
Lows, I gotta's loving you.
KF I Am six forty. You have

4
00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:30.920
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I

5
00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:34.439
am here every Sunday from seven to
nine pm. And I am in love

6
00:00:34.640 --> 00:00:39.000
with love. Well, I'm in
love with the science of relationships. The

7
00:00:39.000 --> 00:00:42.520
good, the bad, the ugly, the difficult. That is my bag.

8
00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:48.359
Uh. You know what. The
fallout continues with the Golden Bachelor couple.

9
00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:52.960
You know, I followed every little
bit about it right, and then

10
00:00:53.039 --> 00:00:57.479
they get married and their divorce.
They announced their divorce just three months later.

11
00:00:58.359 --> 00:01:03.000
Uh. This week the Golden Bacher's
name is Gary Turner. Teresa Nist,

12
00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:08.879
Teresa NIS's daughter speaks out, Jen
Wolston. She says she will always

13
00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:15.599
think of Jerry Turner and his kids
as family. Yes. She opened up

14
00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:22.000
about the split on Instagram, of
course, alongside a photo of the couple

15
00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:26.480
and their families at a favorite a
famous wedding course in January. She says,

16
00:01:26.519 --> 00:01:30.280
I had only the loveliest experiences being
with Gary and his family, and

17
00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:34.640
I will hold the days we were
off officially family, those just ninety days

18
00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:41.040
in my heart forever. We will
think of them as family. Always Gag

19
00:01:41.120 --> 00:01:44.840
me with a spoon. Okay,
everybody knows how to do this publicity now,

20
00:01:45.159 --> 00:01:49.920
even the daughter. So they revealed
on NBC The Today Show that they're

21
00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:56.560
splitting after three months. They the
big reason they're giving the world is that

22
00:01:57.879 --> 00:02:02.239
their separation was really caused by the
distance. Apparently he lives in Indiana,

23
00:02:02.719 --> 00:02:09.360
she lives in New Jersey. They're
not that far apart. But I have

24
00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:15.080
my take, my opinion, my
gossip on what I think are the real

25
00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:17.439
reasons for their divorce. I'm just
going to get this out. By the

26
00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:21.199
way, I'm going to pause to
tell you that later in the show,

27
00:02:21.360 --> 00:02:23.400
I want to talk about you and
your love life, how to have better

28
00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:28.520
fights. Is it possible to have
love at first sight. I'll be answering

29
00:02:28.680 --> 00:02:31.759
your questions when I'll give out the
phone number later. And I'm going to

30
00:02:31.840 --> 00:02:37.159
teach you some self talk that you
should never be using. And I think

31
00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:39.960
that maybe Gary and Theresa should listen
to the show. All right here are

32
00:02:40.599 --> 00:02:45.280
the real reasons for their divorce in
my opinion, she actually has said this.

33
00:02:45.719 --> 00:02:50.719
She was on a podcast in March
and got married in January called Deer

34
00:02:50.759 --> 00:02:57.400
Shandy Podcast, and she said that
her career is a big problem. She

35
00:02:57.439 --> 00:03:01.479
said, I still work, so
that's a hurdle. She was able,

36
00:03:01.639 --> 00:03:05.960
apparently to get time off to do
the show. She said that she was

37
00:03:05.960 --> 00:03:07.520
probably only going to be on the
show for one day and then kicked off,

38
00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:09.680
and then it just kept going and
going and going, so it ended

39
00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:15.800
up being weeks. But I have
a question. They're both they're golden.

40
00:03:16.360 --> 00:03:21.240
They're golden, which means they're older, right, She's how old is Teresa

41
00:03:21.240 --> 00:03:23.759
anyway? I think she was the
one of the oldest bachelorettes. I think

42
00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:28.080
she was seventy and he's seventy two, so they both get Social Security.

43
00:03:28.680 --> 00:03:31.120
Why is she working? Like,
seriously, why is she working? Does

44
00:03:31.120 --> 00:03:35.400
she not have any savings, pension
plan, real estate whatever. Also,

45
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:39.759
he's supposed to be this big restauranteur, right, where's his money? He

46
00:03:39.800 --> 00:03:43.599
doesn't have enough money support her.
Why does she have to work? She's

47
00:03:43.639 --> 00:03:46.960
seventy years old. The age of
retirement is sixty five, and she's not

48
00:03:47.080 --> 00:03:51.319
saying, you know, I love
my job and it brings great meaning to

49
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:53.199
me, and it keeps me alive
and it keeps me going. I really

50
00:03:53.199 --> 00:03:55.639
want to keep my job. No, she said, I still have to

51
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:00.840
work, so it's a hurdle.
There's a money problem between the two of

52
00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:08.159
them. Okay. Also, I
believe there's a bit of a social class

53
00:04:08.159 --> 00:04:12.439
clash. Apparently she's classier than him. Maybe in New Jersey is a classier

54
00:04:12.439 --> 00:04:17.279
place than Indiana, I don't know. Apparently a podcast host, Casey Kate

55
00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:25.639
Casey, claimed that she had details. Here's her source. Her son's girlfriend

56
00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:30.519
is friends with Jerry's youngest granddaughter.
Look at that, Okay, the podcast

57
00:04:30.600 --> 00:04:34.920
host has a son, that son
has a girlfriend. That girlfriend is friends

58
00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:42.600
with Jerry's youngest granddaughter. To figure
that out anyway. So apparently the news

59
00:04:42.759 --> 00:04:46.319
is that Jerry wanted a divorce because
he felt that Teresa was too a uppity

60
00:04:46.759 --> 00:04:51.000
uppity for him and it used the
example to the family as he was complaining

61
00:04:51.000 --> 00:04:58.879
about her that she would not pump
her own gas, would not pump her

62
00:04:58.879 --> 00:05:01.399
own gasse, girls, she should
not have to. That is ridiculous.

63
00:05:01.439 --> 00:05:05.199
I literally hate pumping my own gas
so much. Out here it's ridiculous.

64
00:05:05.319 --> 00:05:08.480
Okay, do you know why.
I don't think the rest of the world

65
00:05:08.560 --> 00:05:13.399
knows. In New Jersey you're not
allowed to pump your own gas. She

66
00:05:13.560 --> 00:05:15.839
may not even know how to do
it. I learned in twenty twenty.

67
00:05:15.959 --> 00:05:19.560
Uh huh. And I want to
tell you, guys, the first time

68
00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:24.759
I told Julio I loved him was
right after he pumped my gas. Because

69
00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:27.720
I have been and that is not
a metaphor. Do not make that face.

70
00:05:27.759 --> 00:05:30.199
Okay, what after he pumped my
gas? Okay, So what happened

71
00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:34.759
was I have pumped my gas my
whole life. I had brothers who showed

72
00:05:34.759 --> 00:05:38.759
me how to drive a stick and
pump gas and change. I took auto

73
00:05:38.800 --> 00:05:42.800
mechanics in school. I changed a
gas ket on a gas on a gas

74
00:05:42.879 --> 00:05:45.160
plug. I don't know what I
did. I did something in ninth grade.

75
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:47.279
Then I got kicked out for wearing
open toed shoes in the shop.

76
00:05:48.199 --> 00:05:54.040
That guy so sexist. Anyway,
So I also was a single mom for

77
00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:58.800
eighteen years driving kids around. I've
driven and driven and driven and driven and

78
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:02.079
drove everywhere my hole life. And
to get in the passenger seat every once

79
00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:05.120
in a while is just such a
treat. So anyway, we were doing

80
00:06:05.120 --> 00:06:09.920
a long drive he and I like
where we switch off every few hours down

81
00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:13.800
the five the whole state of California. We know it well. And we

82
00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:15.920
pulled in a gas station. I
was in the driver's seat, and he

83
00:06:16.360 --> 00:06:19.720
very quickly popped out and ran around
to the other side and started pumping,

84
00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:24.920
and he came over to give me
a kiss to use his time up while

85
00:06:24.920 --> 00:06:28.319
it's pumping. And I said to
him, I love you, and he

86
00:06:28.519 --> 00:06:31.120
said, are you for real?
You're doing this at a gas station.

87
00:06:31.560 --> 00:06:35.879
You are not romantic. This is
not romantic at all. Okay, back

88
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:43.040
to the Golden Couple, poor conflict
resolution skills. M A source told US

89
00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:46.720
magazine that Teresa's inner circle wasn't surprised
by the split, that they didn't see

90
00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:51.519
eye to eye. In fact,
they'd been fighting, say the friends every

91
00:06:51.600 --> 00:06:57.160
day since the wedding. But here, I think is the big one.

92
00:06:57.240 --> 00:07:01.240
Their mate status increased. When you
get the limelight on you and then you

93
00:07:01.279 --> 00:07:04.800
go home to your hometown, you
realize how datable you are in your own

94
00:07:04.839 --> 00:07:08.920
backyard, and they're like, hey, wait, I could get somebody even

95
00:07:08.959 --> 00:07:12.639
better right here. It's like the
curse of the female oscar Win. Did

96
00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:15.879
you know that in like ninety percent
of the times if a woman wins an

97
00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:18.120
oscar and she's married, she's divorced
within the year. Oh yeah, there's

98
00:07:18.120 --> 00:07:21.079
a whole thing. It's the curse
of the female oscar Win because she realizes

99
00:07:21.079 --> 00:07:25.759
her value and the mate. Okay, now the bigger question is why the

100
00:07:25.800 --> 00:07:28.759
heck did they get married? When
we come back, how to avoid the

101
00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:34.399
relationship mistakes that happened with the Golden
Bachelor and Bachelorettes? Why bother getting married?

102
00:07:35.600 --> 00:07:41.959
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from KFI AM six forty.

103
00:07:43.079 --> 00:07:47.199
Well, let's talk a little bit
about marriage. Why do people get married

104
00:07:47.560 --> 00:07:54.319
nowadays? Well, I really believe
that while people can live independently and they

105
00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:59.040
can be economically, it's you know, less of an economic necessity. Certainly

106
00:07:59.040 --> 00:08:03.519
for women, they don't need marriage
like they used to. Marriage is a

107
00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:07.319
public commitment for many people. It's
a spiritual commitment, a religious commitment.

108
00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:11.519
It's a public commitment where you're now
sort of doing business socially as a couple.

109
00:08:13.199 --> 00:08:16.680
And I believe there are two times
in people's lives when marriage is probably

110
00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:22.319
pretty appropriate, when they're young and
when they're planning to have a family,

111
00:08:22.439 --> 00:08:26.199
right when they're young and planning to
have a family. That's a good time

112
00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:31.399
because even though you know we would
love it to be we would love for

113
00:08:31.439 --> 00:08:35.480
this to be the future where there
would be childcare in every workplace. The

114
00:08:35.519 --> 00:08:41.279
truth is that legally the best nest
we have for kids in modern American capitalism

115
00:08:41.799 --> 00:08:43.840
is marriage. Right, we know
the kids do better to parent, household,

116
00:08:43.840 --> 00:08:48.840
et cetera. The statistics are there. The other time that I think

117
00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:52.039
marriage is good and appropriate is at
the end of our life span, when

118
00:08:52.080 --> 00:08:56.799
our bodies are eventually going to start
to fail us. Because what is a

119
00:08:56.840 --> 00:09:01.320
relationship is that it is an exchange
of care. That care can take all

120
00:09:01.440 --> 00:09:07.799
kinds of forms, but as people
get older and start to think about retirement,

121
00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:13.639
it actually means instrumental care as our
bodies start to step down. You

122
00:09:13.720 --> 00:09:18.600
may know that I'm engaged at the
age of sixty something. Yeah, and

123
00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:22.600
I'm very excited about it because this
is going to be a time or someone

124
00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:26.559
actually says till death do us part, and we mean it. I'm not

125
00:09:26.559 --> 00:09:28.519
saying we're going to kill each other. We're going to be there till the

126
00:09:28.639 --> 00:09:33.679
end. Remember when til death do
us part was invented, death was pretty

127
00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:37.440
imminent. Even the most monogamous of
people can expect two or three long stances

128
00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:43.360
of monogamy in their lifespan, with
some mate selection in between. So why

129
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:50.440
did the Golden Bachelor and the Bachelorette
Jerry and Teresa Gary Gary and Teresa get

130
00:09:50.440 --> 00:09:54.519
married. Well, let's do a
little timeline. So they met in September

131
00:09:54.519 --> 00:10:00.399
of twenty twenty three on a TV
set with lights, cameras, action,

132
00:10:00.600 --> 00:10:03.519
people fawning over them, hair and
makeup, et cetera. She didn't get

133
00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:11.000
that first impression Rose, but remember
when she got the very first show when

134
00:10:11.039 --> 00:10:16.399
she got out of the limo,
she was wearing her birthday suit that wasn't

135
00:10:16.440 --> 00:10:18.960
actually she came out in a robe, and then she opened up the robe

136
00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:22.200
and said for you, it's my
birthday, so I wanted to show you

137
00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:26.720
my birthday suit. And she opened
the robe and we're all like, ough,

138
00:10:26.039 --> 00:10:28.320
seventy year old woman, are we
gonna see her naked? But she

139
00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:33.840
was wearing a skin colored like spanks
or Kim Kardashian's skins or something, so

140
00:10:35.159 --> 00:10:39.440
we couldn't actually see anything. When
they did their little first date, she

141
00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:43.039
gave him a kiss just to get
some of the frosting off his mouth.

142
00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:48.799
Yes, she was pretty forward,
all right. By November they start on

143
00:10:48.879 --> 00:10:52.240
the show. They started having overnight
dates, and this is when Gary was

144
00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:56.919
full on head over heels. When
they went to the Fantasy sweets. He

145
00:10:56.080 --> 00:11:01.799
said, it's the first time he
seriously told her he loved her. He

146
00:11:01.879 --> 00:11:03.440
said, I said it three times, Teresa, I love you, I

147
00:11:03.440 --> 00:11:09.600
love you, I love you.
So that's November. They you know,

148
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:13.559
she picks her, she wins the
show. Yeah, yeah, yay.

149
00:11:13.879 --> 00:11:18.200
On December thirty, first they jet
off to New York City to celebrate New

150
00:11:18.279 --> 00:11:22.200
Year's even Times Square. Another fantasy
night in a long line of fantasy nights.

151
00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:28.200
Let's pay attention to that word fantasy. Nothing about what happened to them

152
00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:33.279
is a real relationship at this point. Okay. Then they announced they do

153
00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:37.360
like an after the show special,
after the Rose Special, and they announced

154
00:11:37.399 --> 00:11:43.240
there that they're getting married in a
here's the keyword televised wedding special, and

155
00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:46.840
they shared plans to move to Charleston, South Carolina. Now let's go back

156
00:11:46.879 --> 00:11:50.639
and remember he's living in Indiana,
she's living in New Jersey. They announced

157
00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:54.679
they're moving to Charleston, South Carolina. On January fourth, they got married

158
00:11:56.559 --> 00:12:00.559
and they had this big, fancy
televised thing. Okay, I'll tell you

159
00:12:00.600 --> 00:12:05.559
everything they did wrong because they're divorcing
now. First of all, she was

160
00:12:05.600 --> 00:12:07.360
too sexy, too soon, and
he was an old guy who just went

161
00:12:07.399 --> 00:12:09.159
for it. Right. She'd gave
him kiss on the first date. She

162
00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:13.799
showed up in her quote unquote birthday
suit. The other thing, they were

163
00:12:13.799 --> 00:12:16.600
in the Hollywood limelight for their entire
relationship. All their dates were paid for.

164
00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:20.960
They were fake. Look, if
money's flowing and health is good and

165
00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:24.799
you've got a glam squad around you, anybody can fall in love any two

166
00:12:24.799 --> 00:12:30.200
people. Also, because the way
the show's set up for competition, right,

167
00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:33.559
they perceived mate competition. Remember the
drama with Kathy, the other woman

168
00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:39.720
who yelled at Teresa because she was
disclosing too much about a private dates and

169
00:12:39.799 --> 00:12:41.639
she didn't like it. So,
you know, set up a little competition.

170
00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:46.240
And then the proposal was in Costa
Rica. Can you get more romantic

171
00:12:46.240 --> 00:12:50.320
than that little tropical We'll do on
your skin in the humidity. Right,

172
00:12:52.440 --> 00:12:56.000
And let's get to the real reason
why they got married. They were paid

173
00:12:56.039 --> 00:13:03.879
to get married. Do you think
thatvised ceremony was for free? They might

174
00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:07.240
have gone on The Bachelor for free. They might have not been given a

175
00:13:07.240 --> 00:13:11.840
stipend to do the after show,
but no way did they put together this

176
00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:15.039
huge, big TV show and a
big glamorous wedding and they didn't get bank

177
00:13:15.120 --> 00:13:18.279
for it. That's my opinion.
They got paid to get married. This

178
00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:20.960
whole thing was fake. You guys. TV's fake. Oh you know that

179
00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:28.279
reality TV is an oxymoron? It
is not is not. Yeah, So

180
00:13:30.039 --> 00:13:33.879
I think what we can learn from
it is, don't date with cameras around,

181
00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:39.399
don't date in some kind of fake
setting, and slow down people.

182
00:13:41.200 --> 00:13:43.759
Don't have sex too quickly, don't
get in some fantasy suite too quickly.

183
00:13:45.080 --> 00:13:50.799
Really, don't rush it. Spend
some time. They visited each other's families

184
00:13:50.879 --> 00:13:54.320
like once, and then they get
married. No, no, you gotta

185
00:13:54.360 --> 00:13:58.399
go visit see what the tribe is
like. That's what I say. Hey,

186
00:13:58.399 --> 00:14:03.679
when we come back, can we
talk about birthday blues. I've got

187
00:14:03.720 --> 00:14:07.480
a birthday coming up. It's not
a round number, nothing to see here,

188
00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:09.600
but it's a it's a birthday.
And I've noticed that I've been feeling

189
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:13.279
a little down lately, and it's
not about getting close to death. It's

190
00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:18.200
about a bunch of other things.
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand

191
00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:22.080
from KFI Am six forty. So
I'm gonna share a secret with you,

192
00:14:22.159 --> 00:14:24.840
Kayla. I don't even know if
you know this secret. So I've been

193
00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:31.000
with my Julio like almost four years, and I've never celebrated my birthday with

194
00:14:31.120 --> 00:14:33.559
him. No. No, I
mean there's always a reason, like one

195
00:14:33.559 --> 00:14:37.000
of us is out of town.
I mean we celebrated but at a different

196
00:14:37.080 --> 00:14:41.159
day and all that. But my
actual birthday, I either take control myself

197
00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:45.919
and organize something. So it took
me a little time to analyze this.

198
00:14:46.559 --> 00:14:52.759
And the analysis is that maybe I
feel like a man is gonna let me

199
00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:56.679
down. They're not gonna celebrate me
the way I deserve to be celebrated on

200
00:14:56.759 --> 00:15:01.960
a birthday, so I go and
control. You know, there was one

201
00:15:01.039 --> 00:15:05.200
year I can't remember how old I
turned, but I had gone to culinary

202
00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:11.360
school for that year, and I
had a dinner party for all my girlfriends

203
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:15.360
and I cooked everything. I even
baked my own birthday cake because I was

204
00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:18.480
trying to show off my cooking skills, right, and I had like fourteen

205
00:15:18.519 --> 00:15:24.120
girlfriends there and I was dating someone
at the time, and he was invited

206
00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:31.840
and he didn't show, and then
he tried to make it seem somehow like

207
00:15:31.879 --> 00:15:33.480
it was my fault and sent me
some nasty text or something. It was

208
00:15:33.519 --> 00:15:39.480
something on the phone, you know. And I knew that he didn't show

209
00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:43.039
because we had only been dating like
three months, and so he didn't show

210
00:15:43.080 --> 00:15:46.759
because that would have been making a
public statement that we were together as a

211
00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:50.559
couple, right, And all my
friends were there, But it reconfirmed my

212
00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.799
belief that a guy cannot be counted
on to give me the love that I

213
00:15:54.840 --> 00:16:00.000
deserve. I'm on birthday, I
take it back. There was one birthday

214
00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:03.399
we were together up at my farm
in Oregon, and he said, what

215
00:16:03.440 --> 00:16:04.799
do you want to do for your
birthday? And I said, we really

216
00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:07.440
need to go to home depot and
we need to do a dump run.

217
00:16:07.879 --> 00:16:11.360
And we load up my truck and
we went to the dump. I'm telling

218
00:16:11.440 --> 00:16:15.320
you, I felt very happy that
day because those dumps. Have you ever

219
00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:18.320
been inside one of those dumps?
First of all, they have the big

220
00:16:18.440 --> 00:16:22.159
jaws of life that pick up the
trash and take its big like if you're

221
00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:23.559
a guy, you should be really
into it, but I'm a girl and

222
00:16:23.600 --> 00:16:27.399
I was totally into it. And
you get they give you a spot and

223
00:16:27.440 --> 00:16:30.360
you back up where all these big
machines are ready to take your stuff,

224
00:16:30.600 --> 00:16:33.720
and you stand in the back of
your truck with big gloves on and you

225
00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:38.240
just throw everything toilets, metal,
trash bags, glass, and you just

226
00:16:38.320 --> 00:16:44.039
throw it like just like get into
the air, crashing down, and then

227
00:16:44.039 --> 00:16:47.399
you have a little broom and you
sweep see sweep your truck out, and

228
00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:49.120
then you got to move fast because
there's another truck waiting to come into your

229
00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:52.879
spot. And it's very exciting and
it's loud. All the people working there

230
00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:56.440
have earphones on and it's exciting.
So that was That was my birthday.

231
00:16:56.440 --> 00:17:00.440
When you're okay, so this year, my birthday's coming up in a little

232
00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:04.359
bit, I'm doing I've made no
plan. It's the first time ever there's

233
00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:10.880
a big test for me. No
plan, nothing, So it's all up

234
00:17:10.880 --> 00:17:15.119
to Julio to execute the perfect birthday. I have no doubt that he's naturally

235
00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:18.160
a caring, thoughtful person. So
yes, it's gonna be great. What

236
00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:22.640
if he forgets it's my birthday?
Nobody can forget your birthday. When I

237
00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:26.359
even know your birthday, I'm not
engaged to you. He's a big card

238
00:17:26.400 --> 00:17:30.039
guy. He does right, really, mushy cars and words of affirmation are

239
00:17:30.079 --> 00:17:34.839
so important. That's right, that's
the thing. Okay, So when we

240
00:17:34.920 --> 00:17:40.240
celebrate our birthdays, we're essentially celebrating
ourselves. Have you ever known here's another

241
00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:42.119
thing about birthdays. I love?
So, you know, I always believe

242
00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:48.079
that every friend we have actually enlivens
a part of our personality. And you

243
00:17:48.119 --> 00:17:52.240
know how when you put a dinner
table together with all your friends, many

244
00:17:52.279 --> 00:17:56.559
of them don't know each other because
you know them from different parts. Maybe

245
00:17:56.559 --> 00:18:00.200
you work with some, maybe you
go to pilates with some, maybe to

246
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:02.640
school with some, whatever, whatever, and then some are just friends.

247
00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:07.960
You get them together at that dinner
and don't you feel complete because it's like

248
00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:11.920
all pieces of your personality together at
one table. I love that. So

249
00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:18.799
some people, though, do have
the birthday blues, negative feelings about their

250
00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:23.400
birthdays. Maybe it's tied up to
previous negative experiences. The one that happened

251
00:18:23.400 --> 00:18:26.880
to me wasn't the thing that created
it. I was actually thinking back,

252
00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:33.720
wandering back into my childhood today,
going did I have any great birthdays or

253
00:18:33.799 --> 00:18:37.319
bad birthday experiences. And I don't
even remember many of my birth I remember

254
00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:41.839
one birthday with pin the tail on
the donkey in the basement of a blindfold

255
00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:48.000
on and I remember one barbiecake that
my aunt made, but I don't remember

256
00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:51.160
it being well. I don't think
birthdays were as big of a deal back

257
00:18:51.160 --> 00:18:52.400
then as they are now. That's
the other thing I mean with my kids.

258
00:18:52.440 --> 00:18:56.279
I rented ponies, I had all
kinds of nuts. One kid,

259
00:18:56.319 --> 00:19:00.920
when she turned thirteen, wanted a
big old part and they pretended they had

260
00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:04.799
a nightclub inside. And all we
did is drove around LA and stopped for

261
00:19:04.839 --> 00:19:10.720
pizza somewhere. I know things we
do for our kids. Okay, So

262
00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:15.759
some people, though, look back
and think, have I accomplished enough?

263
00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:19.079
Right? Maybe I'm reflecting, and
some people might just have a fear of

264
00:19:19.119 --> 00:19:23.839
death. I don't have that.
I actually follow this woman on TikTok nurse

265
00:19:25.160 --> 00:19:29.519
Julie. I think hospice nurse Julie. Hospice nurse Julie, And she's a

266
00:19:29.640 --> 00:19:33.400
hospice nurse who has sat by the
beds of thousands of people who've passed away,

267
00:19:33.640 --> 00:19:37.279
and her TikTok channel is all positive
stories of death and dying, and

268
00:19:37.319 --> 00:19:41.039
I feel like so prepared for whenever
it ever happens to me way down the

269
00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:45.240
road, folks, decades and decades
from now, down the road. But

270
00:19:45.400 --> 00:19:49.400
I don't have that fear. So
how do you know if you have birthday

271
00:19:49.480 --> 00:19:52.519
blues? Well as leading up to
your birthday? Do you notice a change

272
00:19:52.519 --> 00:19:57.480
in mood that persists for several days? Yep, that's me. Are you

273
00:19:57.519 --> 00:20:02.119
feeling kind of down low sad?
Yeah, but I'm blaming on other things.

274
00:20:02.240 --> 00:20:04.880
M M. Are you crying more
often than usual? Hey, I

275
00:20:04.880 --> 00:20:08.200
have to tell you something. Don't
tell anybody this. So when you're young,

276
00:20:08.519 --> 00:20:12.319
you have more estrogen, and when
you have more estrogen, you cry

277
00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:18.039
more often, and then you get
old and you get cold and bitchy.

278
00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:22.319
You just don't cry, but you're
not. But I can't cry anymore,

279
00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:25.599
really until a couple of months ago. Don't tell anybody this, Okay,

280
00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:26.559
it's just you and I hear right, Yeah, nobody knows. I went

281
00:20:26.599 --> 00:20:32.519
on the estrogen patch and I was
crying at a movie. I don't even

282
00:20:32.519 --> 00:20:33.400
remember which movie, but there was
a sad scene. I started going.

283
00:20:33.440 --> 00:20:37.440
I said, Oh, I haven't
cried over a movie or you were like,

284
00:20:37.480 --> 00:20:38.559
oh, let me take this patch
off. No, it's a release.

285
00:20:40.400 --> 00:20:45.039
It's like a really big relief.
I think my hair got thicker,

286
00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:49.319
my lips got fuller. Yeah,
it's a good thing. Then I called

287
00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:52.799
my doctor and I'm like, am
I gonna get cancer from this thing?

288
00:20:52.519 --> 00:20:56.079
And she said, let's cut the
dose in half. You're getting a big

289
00:20:56.119 --> 00:21:02.680
response. Okay. Well, so
if birthday signs of the birthday blues might

290
00:21:02.680 --> 00:21:06.759
be that you're ruminating about the past, you're stressing about how much time you

291
00:21:06.799 --> 00:21:10.720
have left to live, that's definitely
not me. Not having energy or motivation,

292
00:21:11.480 --> 00:21:15.640
changes in sleep pattern, changes in
appetite, wanting to avoid the actual

293
00:21:15.759 --> 00:21:18.680
day of your birthday. I don't
like it when people do that. All

294
00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.119
right, here's what I want you
to do. Just allow all feelings okay,

295
00:21:22.680 --> 00:21:29.039
and practice a little self compassion,
self soothed. Remind yourself that you're

296
00:21:29.079 --> 00:21:30.759
a human being. We all have
a range of emotions. It's okay.

297
00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:36.160
Talk to someone you love and trust, reach out to somebody. Please talk

298
00:21:36.200 --> 00:21:41.960
about this and do something healthy for
your birthday and celebrate however you want.

299
00:21:41.480 --> 00:21:45.200
Don't do a party just because other
people think you need to do a party.

300
00:21:45.720 --> 00:21:48.599
I mean last year, I actually
went hiking in the wilderness and sat

301
00:21:48.640 --> 00:21:51.480
by a lonely lake in the middle
of nowhere. You can look on my

302
00:21:51.519 --> 00:21:52.920
Instagram. It's there. That's what
I did for my birthday. I was

303
00:21:52.960 --> 00:21:56.359
just alone. I loved it.
I'll let you know what happens this year.

304
00:21:56.359 --> 00:21:59.880
It's coming up, coming up.
All right, when we come back,

305
00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:06.039
do you believe in love at first
site? Let me lay the science

306
00:22:06.119 --> 00:22:11.079
on you. You're listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI Am six

307
00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:14.640
forty. I'd like to welcome my
TikTok audience. If you want to see

308
00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:18.960
what we're doing here in the studio, just log on to TikTok and at

309
00:22:18.039 --> 00:22:21.759
doctor Wendy Walsh and you can see
what we're doing in the studio. All

310
00:22:21.839 --> 00:22:26.759
right, let's talk about love at
first sight. A lot of people think

311
00:22:26.759 --> 00:22:30.400
it's real. You know, there's
a term producer Kayla that I hear and

312
00:22:30.480 --> 00:22:36.160
it makes me get itchy. I
don't like it. What term limericks?

313
00:22:36.640 --> 00:22:40.880
No, soulmate? You don't like
that term soulmate? I have like seven

314
00:22:40.920 --> 00:22:45.039
soulmates. No, yeah, okay, that's better. Seven soulmates. Yeah,

315
00:22:45.359 --> 00:22:48.359
okay. I'm just gonna tell you
in a word, scientifically, there

316
00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:55.039
is no such thing as love at
first site. Okay, you know what

317
00:22:55.160 --> 00:23:00.200
happens at first site last, but
that's not love. I liked it of

318
00:23:00.240 --> 00:23:04.480
love as the as an action word, the verb to give. So researchers

319
00:23:04.559 --> 00:23:11.119
in love about love talk about love
is having a biological, a psychological,

320
00:23:11.480 --> 00:23:18.119
and a social piece. Biologically,
we are meant and people talk about chemistry,

321
00:23:18.200 --> 00:23:22.039
right, we're meant to get close
to people often because they have the

322
00:23:22.759 --> 00:23:26.799
right combination of pheromones. They smell
delicious. You know what the right combination

323
00:23:26.839 --> 00:23:33.519
of pheromones means. It means that
they have different immune cells than you do.

324
00:23:33.759 --> 00:23:37.279
Yeah, back in our anthropological past, that's how you could tell if

325
00:23:37.279 --> 00:23:40.279
somebody could make it fit babies with
you. You would smell them. If

326
00:23:40.279 --> 00:23:44.960
they smell delicious, you'd want to
have sex because the pheromones that they're giving

327
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:48.759
out indicate what kind of disease is
they're immune to, and if they're different

328
00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:52.279
from this group that you are immune
to, then you're going to make a

329
00:23:52.319 --> 00:23:56.559
stronger human. So it might be
smelled, might be sight things that there's

330
00:23:56.599 --> 00:24:00.839
a research to say that we are, you know, deliciously attracted to people

331
00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:07.079
that look just a little bit like
our opposite gender parent, Uh huh,

332
00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:14.079
something like that. So that's the
biological piece. Then there's the psychology attachment

333
00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:19.200
style. Right. You know,
love isn't about finding happiness. Love is

334
00:24:19.200 --> 00:24:23.920
about finding the familiar. So if
somebody has a kind of family system or

335
00:24:23.960 --> 00:24:27.599
attachment style that matches yours in some
way, you might find that attractive.

336
00:24:29.400 --> 00:24:32.680
Then there's the social piece. That's
what we put in our dating app profiles,

337
00:24:32.960 --> 00:24:36.000
how old we are, how tall
we are, what we eat,

338
00:24:36.119 --> 00:24:38.559
how we vote, what zip code
we live in. That's just the social

339
00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:45.880
piece. Because you could have great
pheromones and you could have a great attachment

340
00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:48.720
style, a secure attachment style with
somebody who has another secure attachment style,

341
00:24:49.559 --> 00:24:53.279
But if you have a different social
class or live in a different place,

342
00:24:53.559 --> 00:24:59.759
it's not going to work. Right
at Cornell University, there's a famous researcher

343
00:24:59.799 --> 00:25:03.559
name Robert Sternberg who has what's called
a triangular theory of love. He believes

344
00:25:03.720 --> 00:25:10.880
love is about passion, intimacy,
and commitment. Passion, he would say,

345
00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:15.839
would be the physical passion the lust
the attraction. Intimacy would be the

346
00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:19.519
emotional intimacy, and commitment is The
intellectual piece is when you do a real

347
00:25:19.559 --> 00:25:22.640
cost benefit analysis after the hormones die
down, and you go, do I

348
00:25:22.640 --> 00:25:25.440
really want to be with this person? Is it going to work out?

349
00:25:25.680 --> 00:25:27.720
Yes, I'll make a commitment.
I'll stay in there even when the going

350
00:25:27.759 --> 00:25:33.640
gets tough. That's commitment. Now, it's only a lucky few who have

351
00:25:33.720 --> 00:25:37.160
both passion, emotional intimacy, and
commitment. Any of people just have two.

352
00:25:37.480 --> 00:25:42.640
They don't even have all three.
Right, So what exactly is love

353
00:25:42.799 --> 00:25:48.920
at first sight? Well, it's
a big surge of hormones, that's all.

354
00:25:48.960 --> 00:25:52.519
It is a bunch of neuro hormones
that are activating the brain, and

355
00:25:52.559 --> 00:25:59.640
they're actually activating the scent of the
areas of the brain responsible for addiction and

356
00:26:00.359 --> 00:26:06.559
behaviors. So you see somebody,
you find them physiologically attractive, your brain

357
00:26:06.640 --> 00:26:08.720
wants to see more and more and
more of them, and you call it

358
00:26:10.440 --> 00:26:14.480
love at first sight. You might
even go so far as to call it

359
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:18.200
I've met my soulmate. No such
thing. You know, relationships are far

360
00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:23.680
more about skill than they are luck, And if you have good relationship skills,

361
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:29.519
then you're going to find far more
people are attracted to you, and

362
00:26:29.559 --> 00:26:36.960
you're attracted to more people because you
have good relationship skills. So I mentioned

363
00:26:37.000 --> 00:26:40.720
that the biological piece is kind of
hysterical. There's been lots of research to

364
00:26:40.759 --> 00:26:48.480
show that people prefer faces of paramours
who resemble those of their opposite sex parent.

365
00:26:49.079 --> 00:26:53.319
Can you believe it? And it
sounds kind of creepy. The neurotransmitters

366
00:26:53.319 --> 00:27:00.880
that I'm talking about include dopamine,
ner adrenaline, cortisol. That's what happens

367
00:27:00.000 --> 00:27:04.319
when you're first attracted to somebody,
and this is why it's important. You

368
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:14.279
may think you have found love at
first sight, but it's probably just lust,

369
00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:18.640
and plenty of people make some very
bad decisions in that early stage of

370
00:27:18.640 --> 00:27:25.559
a relationship when they're just in the
lust phase. Love develops over time.

371
00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:29.640
So what happens is, here's how
the neural hormones work. At the very

372
00:27:29.640 --> 00:27:32.519
beginning, you are getting this surge
of neual hormones like, oh my god,

373
00:27:32.519 --> 00:27:33.440
I love this person, I want
to be with this person, let's

374
00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:37.480
be together all the time. They
go into that cocoon phase right and after

375
00:27:37.559 --> 00:27:42.279
a while, just like a drug, you develop a tolerance. Your brain

376
00:27:42.359 --> 00:27:45.720
gets used to these neural hormones.
You want more and more and more of

377
00:27:45.759 --> 00:27:48.640
the person until all of a sudden
you're like, wait, it doesn't feel

378
00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:52.960
as exciting to see them anymore.
Plenty of people make the mistake of thinking

379
00:27:53.000 --> 00:27:56.599
at that stage, and it could
happen at three months, six months,

380
00:27:56.680 --> 00:28:00.160
nine months, whatever. They make
the mistake of thinking that they've fallen out

381
00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:06.680
of love when their brain becomes used
to those neuro hormones. In fact,

382
00:28:07.279 --> 00:28:11.880
this is when love is just beginning, because the lust is dying down and

383
00:28:11.960 --> 00:28:18.160
now it's safer to get into more
emotional intimacy. For many people, the

384
00:28:18.200 --> 00:28:25.799
act of exposing themselves physically at the
same time that they're exposing themselves emotionally is

385
00:28:25.920 --> 00:28:29.119
like too much for the brain to
take, so they do it in these

386
00:28:29.240 --> 00:28:33.240
kinds of stages. Then when you
build the emotional intimacy, you can make

387
00:28:33.240 --> 00:28:40.960
the decision about whether you're going to
make an intellectual commitment to love. What

388
00:28:41.039 --> 00:28:45.200
is a relationship? It's an exchange
of care are you going to and it

389
00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:48.920
is the action word to give.
That's what love is, to give to

390
00:28:48.960 --> 00:28:52.519
another and decide to give to another. All right, when we come back,

391
00:28:52.799 --> 00:28:56.720
I am going to take your calls
and answer your social media questions.

392
00:28:56.759 --> 00:29:00.400
The number is one eight hundred and
five two zero one five three four.

393
00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:04.880
That's one eight hundred five two zero
one KFI. One eight hundred five two

394
00:29:06.000 --> 00:29:11.799
zero one KFI. You've been listening
to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always

395
00:29:11.799 --> 00:29:15.680
hear us live on KFI Am six
forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday

396
00:29:15.920 --> 00:29:18.960
and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio
app