Uh, how do we start this? In this episode, we have an
announcement. We do, Shelley and I have news. Don't panic, it's
okay, it's okay. And then after we share our news, we are
going to read a couple of listener letters today. I love the listener letters.
M Yeah, I think it's been a little while. Yeah, these
are both from current Mormons, not for long. Oh sorry, members of
the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints. Don't use that wind for
Satan. Nope. All right, let's take a break and then get into
it when get back. All right, Hey, everybody, welcome to Latter
Day Lesbian, the podcast about the next Mormon gay girl just trying to figure
out a life. My name is Mary, my name is Shelley, and
I'm a little bit under the weather. So if i sound a little you
know, deeper voice, sexy, or than normal, that's why. Also,
we are not our studio today. We're down at one of the airbnbs
and the sound is not great, right, so quit your bitch in.
We're doing our best. Dan hates these travel Mike. Sorry Dan, Dan,
Well, there's a weird EQ thing. I don't know what you just
said. Righty eq element op is gonna be way off. Yeah, it's
gonna be kind of funky, Okay. We have put this off as long
as possible, Yes, because of lots of reasons. Trying to figure out
what the future holds, right is one of them. Trying to get over
the pain is another. Everyone's very alarmed right now. Mary and I have
broken up. It's not a joke, it's not April Fools. It's true.
We broke up. I don't know, two months ago now, I
want to say, yeah, over the summer. Over the summer and we
just kind of had to take a break from the podcasting just to work through
everything. We don't want to get into details about the breakup. It's personal,
of course, but I just want everyone to know that A there was
no infidelity, and for some reason for me, like in the Mormon world,
when someone breaks up, divorces or whatever, my first thought was always
somebody cheated or somebody left the church, and good thing they divorced. I
know it's fucked up. Well, I left the church a long time.
I guess you did, so did I did? I did not that church
though, different church. Right. In case you're listening for the first time
any people are bottom and go back back to the beginning one. I know,
Jesus, so in the last couple of months, it's been hard on
both of us. We both know and understand that we needed to take that
relationship break not like break up. Not we're on a break like breakup,
and we had to take time apart and figure it all out. Sure,
yeah, I mean, you don't just like break up and everything's great.
Me being the more And this is not a diss on you, Me being
the more feeling one, I guess because I'm cold and dead and side.
No. No, because I'm the one that gets devastated by everything. That's
just who I am. You are all up in your fields, I am.
I am so in all honesty, it was very hard for me.
My mom got sick and passed away all in the same week. I would
say, very bad timing, horrible timing. Yeah, but what do you
do. It's like, you break up and then my mom dies, and
then do we say, never mind, let's get back together while you work
through your mom grief and then we'll break up Like that's it's I mean,
our cat was out of the bag for us, and then your mom got
second passed and it was just bad time. It was bad. It was
bad. So the one two punch for me losing Mary as my girlfriend and
losing my mom as my mom definitely put me in a spiral of massive depression,
massive anxiety that I haven't felt in a long time there, And I'm
just gonna throw those out there. I guess we need to trigger warning.
Suicide ideation, I guess is our trigger warning there. I definitely was in
a very bad, unsafe place there, And you know, I'm just laying
this out there for you people because that's what we do. Sure, the
breakup basically happened in Mary's apartment, and I don't think I would have done
anything, because I didn't. But when I get to that point, it's
like my brain starts the panic and doesn't think logically and was like, you
know, Shelley, Mary lives on the sixth floor. There's a balcony.
It wouldn't be that hard to just go take a leap and make make it
stop hurting. I didn't know you. I mean, that's not considered an
active plan. No, it was. I was having the impulses, which,
by the way, talking to a doctor after that, you checked yourself
into an AR. Yeah. So when I checked into the AR, and
that was probably the next day, she told me most people don't make plans.
Most people it's impulsive and they can't handle it and they do something that
they wouldn't necessarily have done if they could have sat and talked it through or
whatever. So whether or not I would have done that, I don't know,
who knows, But I recognize that those thoughts were coming in and I
knew it wasn't good, and so I spent probably the next day. Gosh,
for sure, the next day was horrible, but it was non stop
grief and crying and wailing and just wanting to get away from all these feelings.
And by the way, Mary, you were very sweet and very kind
and try to help me. I didn't leave your side for like three days.
No, you didn't, And you also had a lot of support from
a lot of friends. I did. I figured I'd get a little hearing
on this, but yeah, I'm just kind of going back there in my
mind and it's not happy, Yeah, I know. So yeah, the
next day when I was just in a horrible place, you know, wailing
out loud, just not being able to handle anything, and kind of rocking
back and forth and just major anxiety. The neighbors. I can't believe they
didn't call the cops because it wasn't like quiet wailing. It was like grief
morning. Anyway, my daughter Genevieve was home, thank god. Well actually
she was at work a lot of the day, but she knew what had
happened, and she knew I was in a real shitty place. And she
would text me like every hour, Mom, how are you doing? Are
you okay? Yeah? My kids they're just oh, they're amazing humans.
And one time I just text her and I said, Genevieve, I'm not
I'm not good. I'm I'm not good. I'm scared. And she came
home right away. And I was also talking to Kimberly and Jess are therapist
friends, and they were very helpful with me understanding like the danger of what
was going on. Right, and they're making all these calls trying to find
a facilitate for you as Yeah, they knew it was bad. And I
remember Kimberly asked, are you safe? And I said I don't think so,
and she said you need to go to the hospital, and I agreed,
I'm like, yes, for sure. Genevieve came home when she took
me to the hospital and Mary met me there. They wouldn't even let me
go back there. Those assholes I know well because Genevieve was back there with
them one visitor of time. And by the way, there actually wasn't room
for you in there because I only made it to a like a gurney,
not that they had to wheel me somewhere because I couldn't walk, but they
had me laid down on a gurney in the hall while they talked to me
and asked me questions. And it seems an appropriate place for all that.
Yeah, just in some hallway, I know, like, oh, I
feel so cared for. But the great thing, this is my private ship
that I need to talk about. I know they're asking me out loud if
I'm making plans to kill myself, and you know where everyone's listening up together
around we're about to start a podcast. So what was slightly entertaining? But
I guess I shouldn't have been entertained because it's sad. But in the room
like connecting to the hall where I was, there was a person there because
I eaves dropped very well. The doctors assumed he had taken way too many
meds, like on purpose, but he was irritable. He was yelling,
he was trying to, you know, throw things around, and so they
had I'm not exaggerating, at least ten security officers, some in the room,
some standing in the hall. So I felt very safe. I don't
know, but it was kind of nice. I don't know. It sounds
horrible to say it was nice to have the distraction of someone else who was
suffering, but whatever, it is, what it is. Mary met me
back in the waiting room because the doctors wanted to admit me into that hospital.
There for like seventy two hour watch, and I just didn't want to
be there. I just felt I didn't want to be without my people,
you know, I didn't want to be confined to some place. Anyway,
Mary met me, she brought me home. Genevieve went back home in my
car, and no, you stayed with me for a while. Yeah,
you did, and it was I wanted to make sure you're okay. I
know, I love you. I love you too so much. That hasn't
changed, you know, never will never. Sometimes you just have to make
the really hard decisions in life. Yes, and Marriott was the right decision.
I know. For the first few weeks I was just like a fucking
train wreck. And I am glad that you stood strong and the resolve that
this needs to be ended. As far as the girlfriend relationship, but we're
still podcasting partners and business partners. For sure. We're like best friends.
I mean we're I don't have any less love for you. I really don't
say thank you. So after the hospital experience, I was trying to check
myself into like a mental therapy rehab, like an inpatient day thirty right,
what do they call it? Is it called inpatient? Like where you living
here? I think so, because in my mind I knew I needed to
work on myself. I knew I needed to get away from everything. I
just needed separation. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to
run, and so to me, this was my my I'm going to run
away and get better and then come back to my life. I'm gonna say,
fortunately, at this point, my insurance wouldn't pay for it. Yeah,
your insurance sucks. Sorry, Kaiser. You know it's funny about that
too, looking back, is that I finally got a call back from Kaiser
to talk about what I was wanting, and the lady that was talking to
me, she had looked up the rehab facility on the internet because it was,
you know, about an hour away from where I lived, the kids
could visit blah blah blah. And she was like, yeah, we don't
pay for that. That looks like a really nice place. Like you bitch,
I think I'm trying to go on vacation, Like what the fuck?
That was kind of funny, but and I'm gonna let you talk in a
minute, Mary. Sorry's getting us all out that some thing's never change,
even broken up. You know, I'm still me, You're still you.
Yep, I'm still a sidekick on a podcast over here. No, just
a co hot on a podcast whose co host talks a lot Israel Jetty totally
blah blah blah. Kiser sucks. But the reason that I was looking back
glad is because it was right around that time when when I was trying to
get in and I didn't know that they weren't going to let me in because
it's too nice or whatever the fuck was when I found out that my mom
had a couple of weeks left, maybe it and in my mind. I
was on the waitlist to get into one of these facilities. I hadn't found
out yet the Kaiser was a piece of shit, and I had to make
the decision do I go out and see my mom or if the a bed
opens up for me, because these places are very hard to get into.
If a bed opens up for me, is it the better choice to just
go to the facility and start my recovery right? And I went back and
forth on a little bit. I did, and actually I didn't even hear
back from Kaiser until after I had made the decision I need to go see
my mom. I was told that my mom had a couple of weeks left,
and I flew out and I got there in the morning. It's like
the very next morning that I found out, and I was able to spend
time with her and we talked about a lot of this. I don't you
know. At this point, Kimberly and I have been podcasting about my experience
in Utah with my family and the funeral, and at this point, I
don't know if that episode will have come out by now. Probably we're going
to release this one first, okay, and you have to release part two
of that and record rather part two of that. Yeah, so the detailed
story is coming. Don't worry. I'm I'm not brushing over good stuff,
but I'm just saying that I am so glad that I went out there to
see my mom. She died the very next morning after I got there,
and all the experiences they had through that entire time with my two brothers that
I'm close with, and helping my dad understand what was going on he has
severe dementia now, and being able to hold my mom's hand, like God,
if I would have missed that, yeah, and I wouldn't have known
how much I would have missed, But after gone through it, I'm like
I would that those are moments in my life that are etched in my brain,
etched in my heart, and I would literally be less of a person
had I not had that experience. Well, and you can go into more
details about that on the podcast episodes center are going to be coming up,
But the rest of us here we're really worried about you making that choice to
go to Utah because you didn't seem okay, right right. I wasn't,
but it was like, fuck, I gotta go see my mom. I
bought a one way ticket, and I had decided to like, if I
got the phone called that there's a bed ready, I would have come back.
And because I just wanted to go see her one more time, right,
it was so good for me to be there and have a distraction from
our breakup. I mean, I was still horribly sad and grieving and I
cried every day. But being there with my mom and her laugh hours and
spending time with my two brothers that I like and we could all grieve together
and make jokes and make each other laugh. I needed that. That was
that was so good for me to do, and I'm so glad that I
did that, you know, came back the Funeral's funeral was like three weeks
later, and they had to keep my mom on ice before before we could
get everybody out there, all the family out there for the funeral. But
that's the funeral part that's in the Me and Kimberly podcast, you know.
But coming back again so hard. We kind of distanced ourselves from each other.
It was needed. We still talk every day and at this point,
obviously because we're podcasting together again, we're in a really good place, I
know, and I'm amazed I'm amazed is because I'm amazing. Well, you
had mentioned a long time ago that if we ever did break up, you
couldn't have me in your life anymore. I was terrifying for me. Yeah,
I felt that way then, and I didn't want to lose you.
I know. Yeah, I get it. I get it saying those things
back then, I meant them, sure, you know. But now that
here we are, God, I can't imagine being without you in my life.
Say yeah, so now that we've worked through, Another thing about us
and about Mary that I love is that we were able to have a lot
of good conversations about the relationship and what had happened and what was good and
what didn't work. And I think that maybe, well, most of the
people I know after breakups, they're just pissed and they don't really talk.
It's just like, well, fuck you, fuck you, you did this,
you did that. And Mary and I have been able to just sit
and I've been able to cry because that's what I do, and just talk
it out. We're also hella old. I don't have the energy to be
angry well, and I like to talk with Age potentially comes wisdom, not
always, but sometimes luckily for us. I think we did a lot of
learning about ourselves. Yeah, I know you did. I know I did
too. But from our talking I went into therapy. Oh you had exactly
Yeah, And don't you have an appointment coming up? I do. I
went to like three back to back days of therapy right after the breakup,
and then I went to Utah. And now I'm set up with a therapist
that I've gone to before that I really love. Good. Not that I
didn't like the one before, but I don't. I don't know. Whatever
you find your therapists is our point, right, And therapy is good.
Yes, therapy is good. But again, being able to sit down with
Mary and still have that same love work for the grief of knowing it's different
now, but being able to talk about and to apologize to each other.
Yeah, to be able to bring something up Mary, this hurt me,
blah blah blah. You think about it, You're like, wow, I
didn't mean that to hurt you in such a way. I'm sorry. And
having all those back and forth apologies and understandings, it's just kind of beautiful,
honestly, I know. I love that we were able to just talk
through everything. And process it. Multiple conversations as many as it took,
and all the time texts sometimes you were here for it as many as many
conversations as it took to feel better right and get everything said. And it's
not easy. Oh god, this were hard conversations. Wow, like being
you know, we've always been honest with each other, but there were some
things where I don't know if we want to say the honesty was less or
guarded because we didn't want to hurt the other kind of I mean we kind
of say what was going on, but not necessarily in a way that we
understood how dire, yes, how dire, how much whatever was going on
was hurting, just kind of hey, this is what's up. And but
we really went there. We really went there, and I think that helped
both of us understand why the falling apart of the relationship. I don't know.
Again, I'm like, I don't want to go into the wise.
We're just it just is and now it's great truly. Like Mary said,
we're down at the river right now. This is our first podcast we've done
since the breakup. I wasn't ready to podcast, and I actually had someone
would so if I don't want to do the podcast because of the hurt and
how weird it would be and how I would probably be so sad. But
I went back and listened to a couple of the earlier podcasts, and in
those there were some letters that we had read from people who wrote in and
just fucking hit me like a ton of bricks, like people are hurting,
people need to hear us and to help. And I'm like, I don't
want to stop this. Y I enjoy I love the podcast. Be it.
It does good for the world. And so Michael, I think also
started to interrupt you. I'm talking to your ability to be vulnerable and put
it all out there is inspirational to a lot of people who maybe haven't had
that opportunity. You know, absolutely no, I think it gives people courage
to be authentic with who they are, you know, right, I know
you and I had a discussion about how do we tell the listeners that we
broke up, and in my extreme grief, I was just like, just
stop the podcast. Done, we disappear. You know, obviously we've worked
through that. I was I was not great. No, you weren't in
a good place. I was not. But we we talked about like,
you know what, honestly most relationships end. Are we letting people down right
now with that cold trip. Statistically speaking, divorces over fifty percent, and
so to pretend like this relationship was perfect and to just drop it at the
you know, when we break up, I think that does a disservice to
our listeners because we want to talk about how things are now. We want
to talk about how we worked through it. We want to talk about those
those things because I think it matters. Also, I have reframed what this
breakup is. You can look at breakups as a failure, and I do
not at all look at the relationship as a failure. The fact that we
broke up showing that that was a failure. No, nothing about this,
meeting you, loving you, starting the podcast, everything that led us to
this point. None of it was wrong. None of it was a failure.
I don't want to do over for any of it. I don't.
I don't regret a single moment of it. Right, it took me a
little longer to get there, I understand, because you know me, I'm
a feeler. I'm there now, I really honestly am. I think in
our six years almost six years whatever, we have had amazing times. We've
helped each other through some very hard things. We have this podcast that I
know has been life changing for so many people, and I've loved doing with
you. So yeah, that's that's where we are. Did you want to
add anything else to that? No, I think I said it, you
did. I said it a lot more. The podcast is continuing. We
want to make sure you all realize that we're not done. No, we
just took a big gass break, and honestly, I know we've been way
less than weekly for a while, I'll say, but I think a lot
of it was just the build up of the stress and pressure in the relationship
and just you know, being unhappy, yeah, and not knowing what to
do about it. I still don't think we're going to be able to get
back to weekly only because you're so busy, right with kids in like twenty
five jobs. I think up to a lot getting us in the same place
at the same time. It's challenging, it is, it is, but
we're not stopping. No, no, no, And now that I'm to
a place where I'm like, fuck, yeah, we're gonna keep doing the
podcast, am I am most definitely more motivated to get together and do this
thing again. It's not we weekly, it might be monthly. I don't
know. We might do a bunch in two weeks and then we might not
do anything for a while. It doesn't matter. We're going to do things
on our own time and things that don't stress us out, because the last
thing we need is more stress. But because we really want to give a
good product out to you all, absolutely and folks who enjoyed the last time
we were on god Awful Movies talking about Charlie God, that was so god
awful. We released some of those videos on Patreon. We haven't yet.
Well, maybe by the time this comes up, those videos will be up.
I've been a little bit busy, but we're gonna be on god Awful
Movies again. Look, yeah, what's the name of the movie. Maybe
these people want to watch it and it's not a Mormid movie. But I
can I can rip apart any fucking religions. I don't. I don't know
anything about this movie. We still have to watch it. It's called Unwanted
Presence presents not like gifts right like things around you think you can look it
up on YouTube. Yeah, it's a YouTube one. I don't think it
made it to like IMAX didn't. I could check check check on IMDb see
if it was in the IX Charlie's theron and that. Now I'm just doubtful.
Yeah, but that's supposed to come out the tenth of October. That's
when they're going to drop the episode, the god awful podcast episode with us,
So we'll still be showing up here and there if if you're not getting
your fill of LDL, I'm hearing about some people whore going back to the
beginning and were listening to Oh, I'm so sorry, will start over,
and that's actually awesome. Do it? You might have missed some good shit.
You might have been laughing so hard at one joke that you missed the
one I dropped right after Oh, because they were laughing at my joke.
Oh wow, crickets, I know, Dan, Please don't serve crickets on
that one. That was fucking awesome. That needs a good cricket. That
is funny. Well, I'm looking at the clock and thinking we should probably
get to the letters. We take a break first. Yeah, we're gonna
take a break. Is there anything else you wanted to say before we take
our break. I just want to reiterate again that Mary and I are happy.
We've moved through the grief stage. I know that healing isn't linear.
You know, I might cry once a while. Mary might hit a wall
where she's like, fuck, that will be the extent of my emotions.
Yeah, fuck, then back to work. But we are like, well,
shit, shit, but we love each other. We spend time together,
like we're here at the river right now, together in the same house,
and it's good. We've really enjoy being around each other. We do,
so I think we're getting the best of everything right now. You know,
we can work on our own shit, we can be in each other's
lives. We can still podcast, you know, we can go out to
eat whatever. But we're also free of the stress in all the things that
we're happening in the relationships. I'm happy. Yeah, So nobody do a
favor. Nobody take team Shelley team Mary sides on this one. We're in
it together, although I know it would be team Shelley. I'm fucking around.
Yes, we are the team. Yeah, we are still a team.
It's still not about the toaster ebbins, but we are still a fucking
team one day, I'll night when you over on that score. Hmmmm.
Well all right, let's go ahead and take our break, and when we
come back, we have a listener letter. Let's do it. Be right
back and we're back here we are, okay, So I'm going to read
one, and then Shelley, we'll read one. I've changed both their names
just in case this person I changed their name to tea like the tea drink
could be ok or just the letter T green tea possibly Okay, green tea,
go try T, says dear latter day Lesbian. Hey, that's us,
always will be. I wanted to thank you so much for the podcast
that both of you do. Hearing Shelley's story and listening to Mary's thoughts have
helped me so much in my life. I've recently discovered the podcast. I
started binging it from the first episode, Way to Go all the way to
the most recent one. By the way, this letter, I know it's
I think it's I think it's been a while. Oh it's a couple of
years. So she thought she was done, but guess what, two more
years there's more keep going. I wanted to thank you for helping me get
through my life and for just everything you two do. See I know,
see, Okay, I hope I don't offend you with this, but I
am a Mormons. The fuck is wrong. Now we're going to actually reply
to that letter. We're going to need an update for sure. Yet I
agree with every single thing you've said. I completely agree with your thoughts and
with everything you said about tithing and prophets and meetings, etc. I've always
questioned my sexuality, and hearing this podcast, hearing Shelley share her story,
it has helped me come to terms with who I am and who I like.
Thank you. And while I would love to be who I am,
love who I love and get out, I know my parents, whoever pretty
stronghold over my life, will not accept me. Does t say how old
she is? They I don't know what the wait for it, I'm not
sure sorry, and will not allow me to be who I want to be,
and they will hate me and everyone I know will hate me, and
I'm scared to take a stand. Oh God, been there. I'm so
sorry. That is such a hard place to be in In it, Yeah,
it feels like I'm trapped with few decisions, especially because if I want
to go to college. Okay, so she's young. I have to go
to a church school otherwise they won't pay or let me go. God,
I'm thinking, B where you Idaho? Or B y u fucking provo?
I hate that. Yeah, you go over someone's head, right, you
go to church school, or you're paying on your own right to the line.
Yep, you know. I think Jesus was really into extortion, pretty
sure? Yeah, have you read the New Testament? The extortion is Jesus
Christ of Latter day Saints. It's applicable to that version. Sure, I
hate that, but hearing the podcast has inspired me and always makes my day.
Writer. I love that I've done stuff that isn't contrary to what people
teach, and I've seen how people in the church isolate those people, I
guess, the ones who are contrary. Yeah, don't fucking pierce your nose.
Saw how that went down for me, shouldn't do it. So I've
always been afraid and terrified, not just afraid, but terrified, Shelley,
but hearing you tell your story has made me feel less alone. So thank
you, You're welcome. Thank you so much Mary and Shelley for everything you've
done. And I hope you guys continue to do the podcast. Oh we
are. Don't you worry about that, because it is truly amazing. I
love your podcast and keep being you. Sincerely, te Oh Tea, thank
you. I know what a lovely letter. I'm so sorry you feel stuck.
You feel trapped. You feel like you have to do exactly everything that
your parents are telling you to do, and other maybe friends and family members.
I hate that for you. That sucks. You know, it's hard
enough to feel that when you are an adult, but to feel that when
you are still living under your parents roof and they are the money holders,
and they are they hold, they hold all of the decision like it just
fucking sucks. It sucks, and I'm so sorry. Yeah, same,
I put mark that email when I'm going to reply finally and get an update.
Okay, how about that? That sounds good to Green Tea. I
believe it's she her pronounced be good to see what the update is on her
life? Yes, now, oh my goodness, Well thank you for writing.
Should we take one final break? I don't think we're gonna do patrons
this time? No, I don't say it. I mean we have somebody
I haven't had the chance to look them up. We will get to it.
Yes, we will get to your names. So let's just take one
last break and get to let her two. All right, back, we're
back. We're back, Shelley, I emailed you. Shit, let me
open it up my computer. Sorry, is it gonna make a lot of
noise on your phone? No? But I don't bring my Oh I do
have my reading glasses holders, ladys. No, they're sexy librarian glasses,
just like yours. M hm, okay, alright, sexy librarian glasses annex
and the case for them is kind of gay, rainbow striped. Hold on.
Okay, Now, so Mary and I are sitting on opposite couches.
Now, when I look at Mary, I only see a blur. But
when I look at my phone, I can see shit. So this person
was kind enough to change their name for us, and well I did that.
Oh but thank you for calling me kind. God, I'm glad we
get still laugh at dumb shit. I know. By the way, here
at the at the river this time, we've been here for a couple of
days. We've been laughing so much. We have we had some good deep
conversations too. We have been cracking the fuck up, and that's we enjoy
each other. We do. We truly do. Okay from Ophelia. The
name that Mary gave I thought I liked it, so I was about to
say how great this name was. This person changed too, but you did
it, so I'll tell you great name. Thanks. Hi, Mary and
Shelley. I want to thank you both for starting the Latter Day Lesbian podcast.
You're welcome. I recently just started to listen to you both and it's
been so helpful for me that I'm not alone and what I'm dealing and facing.
Once again, this letter's possibly a couple of years old, so well,
I'm sure they're still feeling that. Mark that one in the email too,
and I'll reply. We'll do updates. Okay, here's a little bit
of my story. I'm needing advice and I don't have many in my personal
life that I can turn to to discuss this with. I understand if you
don't have the time to reply back. I mean I kind of didn't,
but I will. I think you may have replied at one time. You'll
have to check. Well, how am I going to know? Because you
change your name to fucking Ophelia, you'll know okay, plus the rest of
the letter, it will look exactly like the one but the original name.
See how that works. Mary still a smart one and you're the emotional one.
It's so true. Listen, that will never fucking change. We are
who we the fuck are? You know what's funny too? Sorry sidetrack,
Sorry, Ophelia, my know, Ophelia. Hold please. When I went
back and was listening to a few of the earlier, earlier episodes, you're
so utah, I'm so fucking it's hilarious because we were kind of trying not
to swear. I know, what the hell, what the fuck, the
fuck the fuck fuck you? That was making me giggle because it's like,
oh, wait till you hear what's coming for anyone who's starting. At the
beginning, we were gonna do a podcast episode where we was just trying to
be like approved Mormon swears, but we never did that. Like fetch or
fetch, I know, I don't really know all of them. There's lots
fetch, flip, there's so many. Okay, hopefully you will get where
I'm at. As I explained my story down below, I'm still thinking through
things. I'm scared to come out to my family and friends about it.
I'm twenty four years old. I'm still active in the eldest church. I've
still only dated one guy, which did not go well. We broke up
in a month of dating, which was hard on me because I struggled throughout
the whole thing. And after the breakup, I found myself questioning if I
even liked men. You probably don't, Shelley's like, you know, you
know everyone's a laws man. Yeah, I mean they are, right.
I started to open myself up more to girls and talking to them. Row.
Yeah, that's how it starts. Don't start talking to girls, they
will recruit you and boobs and boobs. I feel like, right now I
could be bisexual. We know how I feel about this. Yeah, you
think it's the gateway dress. Bisexual is the gateway. Some people are truly
bisexual. I know it's a thing. I know, I know it's not
fake. I'm just like when you are straight in quotations and then you start
wondering if you're not straight. The safer, the safer path to say,
I'm stopped by bisexual land right, because then you're only half bad, You're
only a half center. That's fucked up. But yeah, I said it.
I feel like, right now I could be bisexual, but I'm not
even sure if that's what it is. It's not. Also, I have
my endowments. Oh fuck, she's been through good temple. Also, I
have my endowments and have been through the temple. So I'm so scared to
say anything due to that because I know I will get a mouthful on the
whole You made temple covenants and you're breaking them. Oh wow, bah blah
blah. I have shown so many people the fucking magic handshakes at this point,
no lightning has hit me and everyone exactly. Everyone's like, that's weird.
I know, m yeah, I think you're gonna have to cut your
own throat. I don't want to. I'm not about it. Thankfully they
took that out of the ceremony right well, sure, but it doesn't mean
it didn't they didn't say it in the first place. Sure, Okay.
I haven't come close to wanting to leave the church yet. I just feel
so alone on this, and the people I've told are people outside of the
church that I know I can trust. I've always had a good feeling toward
the church, but I never liked the whole thing on why the church judges
the LGBTQ community like it does. I don't like that either as bullshit.
Yeah, I mean remember in the New Testament where Jesus was just judging the
funk out of everyone. It's a great reason to leave. Yes, it
really is nothing else. If nothing else, leave for that. Yeah.
I can't look at you, Mary, it makes my eyes blurry, cut
of my glasses. I'll look over the top anymore. Whatever you need to
do, Okay, thanks. Let's see I have a brother on a mission
and my sister just got married in the temple. And as for me,
I'm confused and I'm trying to do everything the right way as my parents have
told me to do. But I don't know how much longer by mental health
can handle this. Listen, if what you're being told to do and what
your church is telling you to do blah blah blah is fucking with your mental
health, that is a sign. That is a sign. Choose you.
Yes, choose you, Oh God, please choose you. Yes. I'm
not going to do anything to physically hurt myself. Good, thank God.
Yeah, I just need some guidance on what I should do. Sorry for
the long email. I hope you got where I'm coming from. Thanks for
taking the time to read this. Signed Ophelia not her name. Advice you
go leave? Okay? Yes? And how do you deal with that with
your family? Okay? First of all, do you live with your family?
Did she say shouldn't say? She's twenty four? Not? I that
that means anything. It makes a difference if you're living under the roof of
believers, who are you know, forcing your hand and expecting certain things,
certain behaviors, et cetera. Very true, makes a huge difference. If
you're on your own, it opens up some possibilities. Absolutely, And I
don't think you're saying, and I'm not saying wait until you're out on your
own. If you do live at home, just know that it's a little
more complicated. I know that you hate to see them every day. You're
just gonna get more shit, right, I know. Sometimes it's not possible
to just leave. I get it. Maybe there are small ways in which
you can start to choose, you like coffee, a feeling. You're going
to just have to gauge how it works with you, maybe wanting to skip
church a few times here and there, see how that feels absolutely, And
I know there have been people who are kind of made to go to church
with their family and they have been able to sort of tune it out for
now, right, get on your fucking phone, do wordle like. I'm
just I don't know what's going to work for you, whatever crossword puzzles.
I don't know what's going to work for you. I don't have the answers
for everyone at all. But I'm just saying some people who have to go
because either they live at home or they're just worried about they're not yet ready
to, you know, flick that domino over. They've been okay, going
along in the motions and just checking out of it mentally. Again, not
advice, I'm just saying that's what some people have been able to do well.
And honestly, putting yourself first, putting the needs of others second,
and choosing yourself is a lifelong journey. Sometimes Absolutely, you'll sure to figure
this out in like a month or something. And you sure didn't learn how
to do that in the Mormon Church. So probably when you start putting yourself
you will be labeled as selfish. Sure that is the Mormon way. That's
a lot of the ways. Actually, yeah, I mean also boundaries when
you set a boundary with someone that can be laid to selfish when when the
other person doesn't understand the boundary, doesn't like the boundary, doesn't like change,
You're mean, you're selfish, right, doesn't like change. So these
are things that are really challenging, really hard to do. But you're already
recognizing this current situation is not working for you, right o, Philia,
you are on your way? Yeah, you you have actually taken a huge
step on your path. Yes, because of acknowledging it and knowing that where
you want to get. That's huge. So give yourself some credit. I
know that you're you know, inside you feel lost and depressed. I so
understand that. But you have already taken a huge ass step, right yeah,
congratulations' And that's really brave for writing in. You didn't specifically say to
change your name well either letter, but I just decided to do it.
They're young and still in the church, and so I decided to change names.
Sure, yeah, you know, shout out to everyone out there,
But I'm thinking of the who have written in. You all are so brave,
no matter what point in your life. You've written in where you are
in your story. The fact that you are somewhere in your story thinking that
you need to get away from this cult is huge and brave and scary.
I am just in awe our listeners, Honestly, I know y'all fucking badasses.
Yes, yes, you are so, Ophelia. It's gonna get easier,
yes, Mike, a little harder, but over time it will get
easier. Putting yourself first can feel scary and selfish, but with practice,
it does get easier. Right. And when I say it's harder, you're
gonna get some some backlash from people, for sure, yeah, or shit
shitty backlash, backlashy shit shit lash. You'll be getting some shitlash. Okay,
Okay, sorry, go, but you know what, You're worth it
and you should come first. It's your life. Yeah, this is your
story. Be the protagonist, Be the hero of your own story. This
is all about you. Yes, And people are just gonna have to deal
they are, and people will get used to it. They will, they
won't, And who the fuck cares? Yeah? Sometimes you have to figure
out who truly loves you, who your true friends are, and they may
not be blood related, you know. Yeah, it ends okay, Yeah,
it is okay, it is okay. You've got us, Ophelia say
and t you both have us. I guess that's gonna wrap up this episode.
We've been sort of putting off the breakup episode as we're working through shit,
so we don't actually have a lot planned to talk about. So yeah,
that's it. I feel How do you feel, Mary, now that
we've done this, I feel okay, and I'm glad we didn't go into
a lot of detail. Yeah, it's our personal shit, yeah for sure,
but it does feel good to share with our listeners who've been very invested
in us, in the podcast and whatever. It feels good to just lay
it down there and be good with it. And I want to thank everybody
in advance for their support as we go through this. Yep, this isn't
a sides thing like we mentioned before. No, please just support us both
and this decision. This is absolutely a no fault divorce, right. I
know, like movie stars say that shit and it's not true, but and
then it comes out later and they had seventeen girlfriends on the side, and
then you're Johnny Depp and you're in court. Well fuck, that was a
good one. Yes, no fault divorce seriously, and we love each other
and we're going to keep loving each other and keep doing the things that we
love to do together. And that's not going to change. No, absolutely
not. And I want to thank both Tea and Ophelia for writing in.
Thank you for your bravery, thank you for sharing your stories. I also
want to thank Dan from Extension Audio. You know, I don't think Dan
has heard us thank him in a while. Thanks for leaving it in Dan.
Ye. And he also didn't realize we had broken up, so this
he will find that out listening to this podcast. Yeah, when we send
this for the first edit, he's gonna be like, oh fuck, yeah,
it's gonna be news to Dan. It's not talent. Let's just send
that good over, ok. Yeah? Wow, Dan, If you want
to record your response at the end of this episode and put it in there
and fucking do it, that's up to you, buddy, do you Dan,
We're all doing ourselvesselves. That's bad well these days? True? Oh
God you Mary, I love you. We will be talking to y'all soon.
Absolutely, we're not quitting. Can you still say this, Dear Clear
of Cults, because that's still applicable. Well you just did. No,
I didn't because there's no joke, no joke at all. You later byeye