Welcome to soft core history. Hello, and welcome back to softcore history.
I'm I'm a guest on the show. I guess who's Who's there? The
bulls backing down? Oh man, you don't even understand how funny it is.
He chose that song because it haunted his entire bachelor party weekend. Yeah,
Joe Nollet played the song. I would have to mention at least one
hundred and fifty times. I actually know that reference despite not being on the
bachelor party. Yeah, that I was not invited to, or the wedding
that I was not invited to. Sorry, well you were invited to my
bachelor party. You didn't go. Didn't go? I was poor at that
point. I also went to your wedding with ten dollars in my bank account.
That it was pretty fun though. That led to some good stories.
It was great. Yeah, some for another time. I almost overdrafted my
account with the parking situation, but then thankfully bouch covered it. And then
uh got proceeded to get robbed, got robbed. I met a lot of
people lost there lost their wallets that weekend, like it literally at least five
people lot. I think Andrew Adams lost everything, because I saw him at
the airport having to like go through security. They had to like verify it.
Oh my god, yeah, to verify like addresses, five addresses ago
and shit by Buddy Trevor lost his ship and accused the little black kid of
stealing it. But then but then they found it. He just left it
on the bar and then the little kid was like, so yeah, but
he actually chased him down the street. He did, did he really?
Chad? And you bucket drummer get back here, John, are so crafty?
How can they drum on the buckets and steal your wallet at the same
time? And then boot there was boosh, there's my buddy Denny, who
was the best man. I mean it was a lot. There was a
lot of people who like literally just became destitute over the weekend. I can't
imagine a worst city to lose your wallet. No, oh, actually,
is it the worst city or is it the best city? Because that's the
city you can immediately start prostituting yourself in. That's true. It's it's way
more loose. Morley and I think Fort Worth would be a bad city.
Also a great city to just start fresh, yeah, like new identity,
Well, if you're looking for a lot of fun and not losing your wallet
at the same time. For mere five dollars a month, you can get
two extra episodes a week of this show on our Patreon that's patreon dot com
slash softcore history. Yeah, a bunch of evergreen content. I have bones
to pick now because I'm back. I listened to content that we put out
except for the most recent episode. Gabby has not been on almost as much
as me. You guys all can't count. You guys are bad at counting.
Dan. It was close, Dan, you get a pass your Dan.
Your beard is back so fast, just ship. What the fuck is
that? This is so funny? But it's in that pewby middle ground.
I know, yeah, but you know what happens with my beard is it's
kind of like the Plato gets squashed into my face. There's gross hair Plato
in your in your jaw bone, and it gets squished through your poor like
stomping ship through a drain and a shower. When's the last time that the
shower. I've never shop in the shower. Every morning I ship pissed and
come in the shower. You've never shipped in the shower and like stomped it
down. I've never done that when you were like hungover, No, what
are you an animal? When are you a gorilla? I guess let me
uno reverse card. When was the last time you did that? It's been
within the year. Oh my god, that fucking foul. You've never risked
it on a fart and it just okay, So like juicy, are you
talking like full tard here? Are you talking like logs? Log? Not
logs but definitely spray. Okay, but that's like, that's not stomping it
through the I've never pooped in the shower, straight up, never pooped.
I never shipped myself in the shower. You know. I've had this disease
since I was like, yeah, I conquered crones with my mind or the
next only ship in the shower once a month, going to my crones.
Pick late both ways, dude, it's you want a quality, but you
want me to hold your door. It's like bi annual. God damn wait
wait wait wait wait wait wait bi annual. So twice a year, once
every other year, twice a year? What is once every other year?
Choose your own adventure, Jake worse, it's more less less this is worse
because flare ups. Man, You're like, when's gonna happen? Yeah,
so I did my my birthright uh to the Floridium one though. Yeah,
yeah, I jumped through a rotten manatee off of a pontoon book. We
can't really make the other birthright jokes at this point. No, no,
it's almost no poor taste. No it's not Portast but no, how could
it be in Portaste now and not two months ago when we were making this
joke. We're making those jokes pre October seventh. We were making those jokes
all the entire time, if jokes. Yeah, before it kind of got
sparked, I guess I have to plug this real quick. I've never actually
been in the IDF and you don't have to clarify that. Yeah, I'm
sure no one is mistaken. I don't. I woke up on October eighth
to a message from Jake that just said get some Oh man, that's weird.
It was weird. I was really drunk that night, oh man.
So yeah, I was in Florida though, I was visiting some family and
some nieces. So for like nine days of it, I was in ocal
first, and then I went up to. I stayed on the same beach
island, Valano Beach that I got married on. Rob, you've seen it,
and damn sure you've been to. It's technically like it's an island.
Technically it's like the other side of the Inner Coastal is like a long strip
of beach. It is an island. It's horrified sand bar, it really
is. It's a giant sandbar. I had no sense of it. You
know, you know when you travel to places and you don't really know where
you are, what is anything. You're just like, Okay, there's hot
hell and publics, and there's where Jake got married. And then there's a
third location where the fucking reception or not reception, the rehearsal dinner was.
And I don't even know what was around that. Oh okay, because the
fucking parking lot is like in a forest, almost like clearing in a forest.
And then it's out to the ocean. Yes, I don't know what's
outside the forest. I don't know. So that's actually you run the Inner
Coastal for the rehearsal dinner. The campground was right next to that restaurant,
so we could walk to it from our campground. Okay, I was in
an RV for nine days, uh, and I was just exploring a lot.
We had a lot of time to be out there. We didn't take
a taking a two week vacation since I got uh married for my honeymoon,
so we were like vacation all the time. I haven't had a two week
vacations. Oh my god. Yeah, we had three weeks vacation. I
had a two week vacation. I mean, like, I've had two weeks
off work. I haven't gone on like a two week cho I don't recall
ever having two weeks off work. Maybe ten like ten days. Oh what
Christmas or whatever? Christmas break? Yeah, it's like ten days. It's
like nine or ten days. Sometimes it's shorter, Reacher, I've been off
work for three and yeah, three months and some change, and it's you've
been on a permanent vacation, heaving the time of man life. I just
I just assume, like your trip was, yeah, very Florida. You
jump through a rotting manatee. You and your wife made love on a bed
of pythons. Also, oh no, that's South Florida. Yeah. But
when we were at Grandex, we had technically unlimited vacation that I never took
vacation. It's a trap. They do that so you feel bad about taking
more than six days. You also can't take off content. It never sleeps.
It never does, especially when you're bloging every day. You've unlimited vacation
that you have to approve. Although I used it a lot for I would
just basically just take Fridays off to like travel for football or something. But
that about it. So a couple of things I got to do that hadn't
done before. So Saint John's River has a ferry going across the like from
north of Jack's Beach to northeast Florida for Nadina Beach. So you can drive
onto a ferry and just go across the Saint John's River. It takes all
of five minutes to do it, but it's kind of fun. Like I've
never been on a car ferry before. Okay, it was named the Genre
Baul Genre Bowl. So is this kind of where you're trying to apply or
hybe you're gonna be a ferry driver maybe one day, but no, I
don't want it. That seems really complicated. That boat, that river's past
boat captain. That name is important though for later genre Baul we saw where
Fort Caroline used to be the French fort Fuck, not the Spanish for it.
In Saint Occut, there weren't a lot of good times, sir.
And then we also checked out south Saint Augustine, which I've never been to
before. And there's this inlet called the Matanzas Inlet that is part of the
Matanzas River and goes out to the Atlantic Ocean. I would say that is
like the most similar to the keys you can find in like mainland Florida.
It looks like that clear water, super clear water. If you look it
up, it's like like crystal blue Bahama. Wa. Wait is that the
river that has clear super clear There's a couple in Florida off of the head
springs, so like Itchiatucky has glass clear water. Yeah, Rainbow has pretty
clear water. Geenie Springs does not have clear water after like about twenty feet
from the head spring. It's full of poo. It's full of poo,
full of gators too. It's full of gator and gator pool. It's full
of tampons, bottles of steel. Reserve magical place anytimes, Like every river
I floated on in Missouri. Oh yeah, for sure, tampons and steel
reserve. But I don't have to pick up your tube like you do in
Texas. You have to walk. That is the river dry. No,
they're deep rivers in Florida. It's all just one river that doesn't raise consistently
in Florida. But you know, Saint Augustine obviously has a lot of history,
the oldest city in America. But there's this particular spot which a lot
of people don't know about. And that is the last thing I mentioned,
the Matanzas River. A couple of misnumbers. So want to just talk about
you know, and just talking about Saint Augustine. But Ponce de Leon first
laid his eyes on the coast of Florida on March twenty seventh, so a
couple of days from now, fifteen thirteen. A lot of people believe he
was in search of a fountain of youth. Do you guys think that?
I don't know. I feel like there was a lot of magical thinking about
the new world. Why not think wrong? I think he found it right
wrong, and we've confirmed it with all these you know, snowbirds coming down
living longer. Yeah, Kittie actually has a theory that all the Florida bad
press shit started once like snowbirds started moving down and be like, we can't
let more snowbirds move down here. It's kind of like the Iceland effect.
It's like, get all the crime published in national media. So they wanted
to prevent people from moving there. Yeah, because Florida is great. I
mean, didn't work. Didn't work, No it didn't. Well, no
it didn't. It didn't. It's just sur passing New York as the third
most populous state. Oh it did. Yeah, so it is. It
is crushing, Okay, in my hometown is actually the fastest growing state or
fastest growing city in the entire country right now. That's insane, which is
insane because if you go there, you'd be like, no, it's not
just way yeah it's not. But it's because it's all empty so far except
for a little bit. There's gonna be so many strip malls, beautiful.
Oh, I just want some good old fact. They already have overpriced apartments
with like no amenities that are called like lamp Blood District and shit like that.
It's like, oh no, it's coming here too. It's really lame
when a city like Austin, for example, explodes because everything that is like
new. Like you walk around here, there's no like historic architecture. Really,
it's an ugly city. It's very gross. Everything looks like shit and
is painted gray. I'm sorry. One of our buildings looks like an aw
Yeah, the frostile. That is one of the only good buildings. Like
tall buildings too. But I'm excited for Okaala. They're gonna put like a
Sunny's barbecue. There's so many sunnies in o'kel already, there's like five.
Maybe a hungry Howis will get it. There's a hungry howis there. It's
not like there's nothing there. It is the seats of Marion County, and
it is. There's the actual city population about seventy thousand right now, so
it's an absolute gin. Yeah, it's real, seventy thousand. Yeah,
metro three hundred and fifty. How big was it when you you grew up
there? Probably half that? So you your town that you grew up in
was the same size as the suburb that I grew up in. Yeah,
in terms of population probably, Yeah, it's probably about forty thousand or so.
Well, it's going I would guess maybe fifty that'd be a little bigger
than universities, but it's not very big metro. It's huge. Yeah,
it's like three hundred and fifty thousand. You go count the horses. All
of them horses are like oh it did go to the Wex Center actually too,
the World of Questrian Center out there. They just built it. It's
massive. There's a huge horse facility. You can bring your dog. So
I brought wheeler. Run with the horses. He saw a lot of horses.
Do you run with them? Did you ride a horse? I did
not ride a horse. No. You can just go out there for free,
though, and just like just look at horses. I'm actually terrified to
jump. Shit. I got thrown off a horse when I was like nine.
Of course you did. How much got stampeded? Stampeded or stampled?
Stampeded? Word it's not trample trampled. That's the word I'm thinking of.
Yeah, moufawsed. You got mofawsed. I got thrown off the horse because
of some like French couple. They were trying to go wild west with their
ship. They got thrown off their horses and then it spooped my horse.
He you off? He bucked me off, and then all the horses came
running back towards me. Oh, I just assumed you were hungover and pooped
on the horse as one tried to stamp it through its mane. Yeah yeah,
yeah, yeah, No. I was nine, so I had an
excuse to poop my pants. You did. Yeah? Did you poop myself
a little? I would when you fell so big. Every time I see
one up close, I'm like, no, I'm good, fucking giant.
And I was wearing boxers. That was it all came out. Yeah,
he imagines been being in front of a cavalry charge, just like God.
It's weird. Between the ages of like nine and twenty, I only wanted
to wear boxers. But everything other even when I swam, Yeah, everything
other than that brief you were underwear with your That was the cool thing to
do. You wore board shorts without netting and boxers and yeah, okay,
it was dumb. It was very garment news to me. I also had
pierced ears dance honorary for the radio. That doesn't surprise me. Yeah,
look the pierced here thing. My my buddy diamond studs, my buddy down
he had diamond studs in his ears too. He actually you can still see
the whole, doesn't He still doesn't have an earring still. No, I
thought he had a piercing. He has the holders still there. They might
have closed up enough now that he can. He brings it back occasionally for
his wife. He's engaged, but yeah, he also The funniest thing that
ever happened in high school was him getting grounded by his mom for getting his
tongue pierced. It made him take it out and he was feared a bar.
Did he get a bar like a I didn't get a stud? A
stud piercing? How do you do at? Yeah? Like do you have
like one of those little like spiky guys like a ball? Yeah? I
was like, he was like, do you buy? My Mom's so bad?
But I don't care, And I was like, not worth it.
It's gonna hurt because that thing stupid. No, dude, it's for her
man, it's for the ladies. Here. Get a blow jay from check
with it. Tongue piercing. No, I'm trying to think. Yeah,
I don't think so I have it was fine? Was it cool? It's
fine? Are you just asking us so you can tell us that you got
to that's such that that was, But I want to I don't really care
about that. Wasn't that wasn't that I was saying, It wasn't that cool,
like it was really whatever backed upon state Leon though the real reason he
found Florida, he wasn't looking for a fountain of youth. He was actually
the governor of Puerto Rico for a while. And uh, back to Rob's
point, I'm actually surprised that I never did, because you would think would
definitely between U c F and where you grew up. Oh yeah, somebody
got it, don't coo. They would have their backs pierced. Whoa,
yeah, yeah yeah, templesmples in the back. Dude. I saw chicks
with like corset piercings and stuff. Do you ever see those No, it's
rings up the side of your obliques. That's with ribbons dessert. Yeah.
There was a girl in college. I didn't hung up with her. Guy,
my fraternity was like regularly hooking up with her. She had both the
nipples peers. And what's funny is that I believe now she's a guidance counselor
at my high school. And every time I see her on the fucking social
media, Like what would the cvc W posts all they got just be like
ha ha. One of my exes had her nipples pears, but she had
a job that made sense. Stripper hooters. Well she used to be a
stripper. Yeah, okay, but not beer industry up. Yeah, I
guess what you a millerite girl. Bottle openers bro Yeah? Oh sugar,
wrong beer Jesus uh back to pots though. So h he was the governor
of Puerto Rico. He wasn't super like. People liked him like the King
of Spain. Liked him because he's like he was, but he was also
kind of a dick. Well weren't they all? Yeah, so I think
they made him. I don't know the exact reason why, but they made
him give up his governorship of Puerto Rico. But as a consolation, they
were like, hey, you can have Bimini, which was at that time
a fabled undiscovered land near the Bahamas. He's like, oh, hell yeah,
I'm gonna take Bimini. That's sick ah, Bimini sweet, I'll fucking
have it. That's what he was looking for when he discovered Florida on March
twenty seventh to fifteen thirteen. Uh, no mention of a fountin of youth
occurs in any known documents from Ponce's lifetime, including contracts and other official correspondences
with the crown. It didn't actually get connected until many years later after his
death. And they think there's just a Spanish court chronicler that was out to
discredit him like one. Obviously fucking happened a lot. Yeah, sure,
Bimini crickets. Uh yeah. And the state was named after the easter feast
Pascua Florida, which is the feast of flowers. But we're not talking about
all that today. We're talking about the Matanzas River. Do you know what
Matanzas means? There's too much set up for this. I don't. I
don't even have a joke for it. Matanzas means slaughters, slaughters, slaughters,
the river of slaughter. Okay. I was I always like to think
that slaughter Lane here is named after something horrible. I just call it south
laughter. No, I thought the person that just named slaughter Lane just crushed.
Yeah, that was a machine pull ass Uh. Saying s laughter is
funny because reminding me that this guy who was buddies with like Madison and stuff
who founded TFM. I went when we went on Nick Bravo's bachelor party,
was yeah, I see we were in New Orleans and he was like,
yeah, we'll go to like the hotels on Sea Anol Street, Central Anal.
It was so dumb. It's just that's just exactly what you're talking about.
You. I'm not gonna name Canal Street. Yeah. Yeah, it
makes me giggle every time. Very it's the perfect joke coming from that person
too, because that's the perfect that guy joke. Yes it is, But
yeah, I wanted to, Like, I just was like, man,
it's like Katie Studs, like, you should really look up what happened here.
I was like, Okay, then I did, and it's a fucking
nightmare. So uh. Once possibly On discovered Florida, they couldn't really do
anything or settle anything for quite a while. Afterward. He didn't like settle
it. He didn't found Saint Augustine. Another guy did, it's an uninhabitable
land as far as I'm concerned. Well, think about it too, like
constant storms, it's mosquitoes, it's hot as fuck, it's humid. But
Spanish attempts to establish a lasting presence in Florida filled until September fifteen sixty five,
so full fifty years later. Right, they couldn't settle it for that
long? Well, I mean when was Jamestown. That was the late fifteen
hundreds as well, I believe, and Jamestown was the first permanent English settlement
that was in Virginia. Yeah, it took them that long to get into
Virginia. Think about it, right, Once you actually finally conquer Florida,
you have those Siltan defense systems. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like
gets to be here. Oh. Man, there's a couple like sci fi
shows that are like that where it's like once you get through the cloud or
like in Dune too, like the southern hemisphere is guarded by the storms,
right, you have to get through the storm cloud. Nobody can live there.
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, that's We're not even gonna bother to
little I hope they make the second book. They finished it with the second
movie, right, they finished the first book. Okay, they are Dune.
Messiah is coming, oh for real? Yeah? Okay, man,
I hope they go to God Emperor. I hope they go to God Emperor
of Dune. I want them to get to the part where it's like one
thousand fucking years later. Yeah, and like, don't spoil it, Yeah,
okay, shut nothing. Well, like even if I told you exactly
what happens, you would immediately want to go see it in a movie.
It's insane. But anyway, in September fifteen sixty five, Pedro Menandez finally
founded Saint Augustine. Unfortunately for Pedro and Spain, the French settlement of Fort
Caroline, just thirty miles north on the Saint John's River, had been established
almost exactly a year before Saint Augustine was settled, So the French actually settled
first. And wow, the fifty years, we're giving the Spanish a little
bit of a participation trophy. Then, oh, no, you start,
it's how you finish, that's right, Rob. We always claimed St.
Augustine is the first US city. No, it's it's the first European settlement,
permanent, permanent, European settlement. And what this thing he's talking about
wasn't permanent? It was a fort. Well, it was there and it
could have been permanent had someone not. How would the kids put it unpermanented?
It permanent instead of un alive? Yeah, yeah, we have to
use that on YouTube now, just like TikTok. Oh. Yeah, you
can't say there's a shue word chop suey. So Menendas had not known that
the French had already arrived in the area, and upon discovering the existence of
Fort Caroline, he said no, yeah, he said, no, this
will not do No, no, no, no, no, no,
no no. The French they are a problem. But to be honest,
like, does Florida give this sort of vibe that like a Frenchman could handle
it? Louisiana seemed to Yeah, for a minute, Yeah, that's pretty
swampy and gross there. Yeah. But you see, there's more than just
the territorial issue. The French were spreading Lutheranism propaganda. French, they're Catholic.
A lot of Protestants, a lot of Protestants with this one this fuck
them. I mean New Orleans is Catholic as ship it is. Yeah,
but these French French side with the English. Lutheranism would be German, so
presumably they so presumably the German he just said Protestant, Well, protest Protestant
is just a for everything, not Catholic. Yeah, after the Calvins Episcopalian,
Anglican, Lutheran. Did everybody else is a pagan? I am everything
else is a heat savage infidel all those work. Not a pagan though,
but pagan well he didn't kind of an umbrella term for Protestants and Pagans.
Yeah. Yeah, so Protestantism, you're just fucking heathen yourself. No,
no, no, no, no, no no no. I've had I've
had to explain that to someone. I've had to actually explain that to a
Protestant before they were like like what religion? You know, They're like,
I'm a Protestant. That's not a fucking Religiou. That's like saying I'm a
Christian, which it's worse than that, because there are people are no denomination.
So do you have a problem with Showgun me? No? Why because
the entire time he's just like, I'm Protestant, I'm Protestant. Yeah,
it's stupid. Well maybe they refer to themselves that then because the English broke
off before Lutheranism did so at that point they were maybe the only Protestant when
you're the only one. Yeah, But I mean there's a lot of historical
accurausy some Showgun, but still a great show. Nonetheless, that's fine.
Yeah, I've only seen the first three episodes, so it drove me crazy
that until the eighteen hundreds all Japanese people were blonde, and that they didn't
include that is outrageous to me. Well, they're mostly bottom that show.
Yeah, but they on the sides. Hmmm. I don't know what to
do with that information. It's just fake. I guess it's completely fat.
I was about sick. Asians have the best hair too. They really do
that. You can do anything with that hair. It's thick and it's straight
but not thin, you know what I mean. Like it's thick, straight
hair like Jake's kind of got that really honestly. Yeah, you're welcome,
You're welcome. It's great hair. You've a Japanese had a hair. Yeah.
No, he's got a little jap in him. Jewish American princess works
prince. He's a Jewish American prince. Yeah, that's right. No,
he's a princess, all right, carrying me, just carry me, carry
me up the stairs. Why not? I got your baby, thank you
you. Uh. But yeah, he didn't want that Lutheranism spreading. He
considered them heretics and pirates and invaders. I agree, are agreed on all
front, even though we went the second well, but uh, he marched
his troops over and attacked the Huguenots settlement, sparing only women, children,
male Catholics, and a few skilled craftsmen necessary workers. It's like you can
They're like, yeah, well the necessary workers to stay for now. You
can build a nice door. All right, we'll keep you. We'll keep
you for the time being. So when the French Huguenot leader, Jean Rebault
r I B A U L T. Wait so I'm sorry, were they
Lutheran or Huguenot? What is what's the difference? I don't know they were
Huguenots. I think they were also Lutherans, though maybe maybe that's the French.
You don't need to look it at what is software history. I know
that Huguenots were a French Protestant situation. I just don't know. So like
Citronots off Brand cousin. Yeah, it's a it's like everyone's uh in this
guy Hugh and they want to go to space. Yeah that makes sense.
Well Hugo, right, Hugo not Yeah, Yeah, let's another movie called
Hugo. Yeah, but Martin Scorsese. He made it, and he's a
devout Catholic. But he goes to space in that movie. Right, it's
the moon where the fucking moon gets a a thing in its eye. Oh
oh, a flight to the moon. Yeah, I think that's what the
movie's about. So there's actually a connection there. Okay, so whoa,
whoa pull that out my ass. Hey, put that in your head and
think about it for a minute. Just think about it. Dan's just asking
questions and connecting dots. So he's a Huganist. Uh. No, Hugenots
are Calvinists. So Calvinist is not Lutheran. Oh, then they had some
Lutherans with them. They maybe just had Lutherans with them. I don't know
either way, though they had Protestants with them. Deserve to die. Sure,
Yeah, this is accore history whatever. So uh. When the French
Huguenot leader Jean Rabaul learned of the Spanish presence nearby before Menendas attacks, he
was like, fuck it, we're gonna go sail on them. We're gonna
get them. So they were going after each other at the exact same time.
Okay, two ships trying to murder each other in the night yeah,
yeah, so I guess God had other plans for Old Jean though, because
his ships were struck by what was likely a hurricane. Let's go, how
did were they not close enough that they both got hit by the hurricane?
How does only one side get hit by or it was like a tropical depression
or something. Well, they were going up from I guess when they're coming
out of the inlet, they look, you don't need I don't know,
rob one side had God the other day, right, so God, you
know, hit him with a quick hurricane. I buy it, Yes,
yes, yes. The French force because of the storm, was lost at
sea, leaving Jean and several hundred survivors and two groups shipwrecked with limited food
and supplies. One group was about fifty miles south of the Spanish colony in
the space now known as the Matanzas Inlet, and Jean's group was much farther
southward at Cape Canaveral, which is pretty significantly south Andedda's quickly moved to attack
the French party once he learned that they were stuck just south on the shore
of the Mantanzas Inlet. And when no food just little bitches is sitting there
just kind of stuck. It's never a good sign when your army has no
food and no god, no food, no god, no ships, no
vitamin C. Yeah, scurvy's common or pedro pedro. Menendez sent forty soldiers
to scout the French position, he himself with the chapelain some officers and twenty
soldiers rejoined the group at about midnight, so there's about sixty of them in
total. It really is funny that a lot of these battles, battles are
just like brawls. Oh the French wish this was a brawl, but it's
not, like, you know, it's not like Waterloo or battles that are
happening in Europe at the time or something where it's these Grand Armies is like
one hundred armed guys. Yeah, it's it's a fight. It's a street
fight basically, but on ships, ships land. They get on land,
yeah, they sometimes on ships, yeah yeah, but they can fight on
the even still, that's like a it's really like one on one, two
on two maybe maybe depending on the size. Yeah, that's fucking gnarly.
It's very firing cannons at each other, right, But it's like it's tight.
It's tight. It's not like the Battle of Trafalgar where you've got these
two or the Spanish Armada to be more timely. Like, it's not like
that where these grand navies. It's little little baby fights. One boat,
yeah, two boat, a bunch of dudes. Ancient boat fights are tight
because you just ram each other's and then bored. Yeah yeah, and then
fight on the boat. Yeah. That's actually the most fire. Arrows oh
man, I was listening to a book. Actually they found arrows from like
they found a fossilized not fossilis I guess old arrow artifact from like forty thousand
years ago. That sounds fossilized to me. Yeah, But they were like,
yeah, yeah, this is insane, Like we've been using this ship.
It's crazy, like what we started recording history like five thousand years ago
or something, yes, and forty thousand years ago we were already using like
wheels and axles and shit, and like, I mean, it's like,
how the majority of our two hundred three hundred thousand year history is fucking The
craziest had to be when they used Greek fire and essentially just little grenades that
they launched other shit. Oh, just pots full of unput outable fire and
you have to be close knough palm to throw at the other ship, so
you're gonna probably catch a little. You don't want to somebody yourself. Yeah,
yeah, somebody's dropping one for sure. It's gotta be rough. Be
so mad at that guy. You can't be good. Can't be good.
But I mean no, we've been. It's really interesting. Like nothing like
burning alive in the sea while you're drowning. It's like this scene and Arrested
Development where Tobias can't fall into the pool while he's on fire because there's the
invisible walkway and job was using for a magic trick. I've never laughed harder
at anything on to levision. Maybe it's just like on Fired, he's like,
why am I not sinking? For the love of God, why am
I not sinking? Uh? Well, Pedro Menendez Uh pushed forward to the
sight of the opposite of the French encampment the following morning. Having concealed his
men in the thicket, Menendez dressed himself in a French costume with a cape
over his shoulder, and Uh popped out and showed himself on the river bank,
accompanied by one of the French prisoners he had taken from Fort Caroline.
Oh no, using he did this in order to convince the castaways by his
boldness that he was well supported. Okay, So the frenchman sent one of
their men to swim over to where he was standing, and kind of once
he realized what the situation was, he threw himself at his feet and explained
that they were just French guys. They were just not trying to fight.
And he begged me, We're just frenchmen. We're just French. We're not
trying to we're not at war with Spain. There's one line and when on
Leidon want, that's essentially what he said. He's like, dude, we're
just here. Man like, don't worry about it. He asked Menende so
to grant him and his comrades a safe transport to Fort Caroline, as they
were not at war with Spaniards. Menendez's answer was pretty short. He's like,
oh, Fort Caroline, Yeah, we've taken your fort and killed all
the people in it, so so war now, Yeah, you're at war
with me? Yea And a letter from Menendez to King Philip the Second of
Spain. He did this quote because they had built it there without your permission,
and we're disseminating the Lutheran religion and these your Majesty's provinces, that I,
as Captain General of these provinces, was waging a war of fire and
blood against all who came to settle these parts and plant them with their evil
Lutheran sect. I mean people don't realize this, but legally, war is
a single consent affair. Yeah. No, one's like they don't have a
pre war meeting where they're like war war. I think it's I think it's
gonna be war. I think. So it doesn't agree to it if the
other side is still all about it. Wars on, Yeah, wars on.
It'd be funny if a Pearl harbor got bombed in America. Was just
like, no, not today, No, you call that war. That
is kind of what we kept doing with the Germans when they sunk our ships
in World War One and World War Two. But we were just like actually,
honestly, both Wilson and FDR were probably more like not big enough,
not enough people died. Yeah, but if you really want to get to
somebody, you really want to get at them, just ignore them, Yeah,
they want a reaction. Yeah, that's why they did it. That's
why they asked Mexico to do it too. Everyone forgets about that. Man,
This Differment Telegram is so funny because Mexico had no capability of doing that.
Way fucking kidding. Yeah, he joined us, and you'll get all
your territory back from America. Like you're gonna come over here and get them
you won't. Yeah, yeah, it's like you know how that goes,
right, don't do that. That was a false flag. It could have
been. I don't hate that conspiracy theory. I think we sent it to
ourselves, or we sent it to Mexico as Germany. Yeah, we captured
Wilson really wanted to get into the war. Yeah, he really wanted to
get in before he stroked out. I could also see, yeah, I
could also see, uh, the Lucitania being not like a well maybe a
false flag. Sure, right, A British subs sinks it. Oh we're
so good at him, We're so good at false flags. We've been doing
it. Why not. I'm not saying that's what happened. I'm just saying
why not. No, I'm saying that. Yeah, I'm saying that nine
to eleven was one two. Uh, you just got to monetize again,
what's up unmonetize ourselves? Yay, No, I think we got unmonetized last
episode because we talked about booshe fucking and banana Oh he went to that.
Well, huh, Well, I asked about it within in the first three
minutes, so I think as long as you avoid it within five minutes,
we're good. Yeah, okay, good job. We have like a five
o'clock, hits five. You can start talking about raping banana peels. Granted,
I did talk about stomping my shit down, so I don't know if
that's gonna well, you know what, but you you've said family because of
the illness, so they're gonna be they're being ablest if they modetize us for
that. After Meninda's had convinced the French, because they at first didn't believe
them. They were like, no, you just have this random French guy.
Yeah, you don't have fort Caroline. You didn't take that shit.
You just can't. You just found a random guy. Yeah. He showed
them some of the spoil he had taken and some of the prisoners he had
spared, so he brought a couple more out just to be like, no,
they killed everyone. Yeah. This guy's like, oh, okay,
we get it. You're not gonna take us back there. How about you
just let us take our ship out back to France. The next one that
comes, we'll get on it, we'll go, And then is replied that
he would willingly have given them one had they been Catholics, but sorry,
all my boats be doing other royal span of shit right now, and you're
not Catholic, so looks like you're out of luck. We're and you know,
it's like Catholic from a different country. It's like, you know,
it's like being It's like a fraternity from a different university, you know what
I mean. It's like sure, sure, like you might you might be
from my rival school, but you're in my house so that's fine. No,
No, we're gonna fight later. Yeah. Yeah. Again, he
was like, how about you let the next friendship take us, like I
said, and you don't have to give us any ships to give us safe
passage. And he's like, I don't know what. You don't get here.
No I'm not doing that. I'm gonna leave you to die, you
bitches, to all their requests. He replied with a demand to surrender their
arms and place themselves at his mercy so that he could do quote as our
Lord may command me, which, knowing the Spaniards right, the Lord commanded
them to do some stuff which no judgment. Lord, it's weird, but
he really wanted the Spaniards snarly maame people constantly. Yeah yeah, The Lord
says, your foot's gotta go. He regrets giving it to you. He
really was sad about that. It is his divine vision to murder frenchmen in
the ocean called free will. Baby, that's true. The gentleman carried back
to their comrades the terms he had been proposed, and two hours later the
lieutenant returned and offered to surrender their arms and to give him five thousand ducts
if he would spare their lives, which, to Wichmond and Is replied,
that's some was large enough for a poor soldier such as myself. But when
generosi and mercy are to be shown, they should be actuated by no such
self interest, which is essentially the Times way of saying, I'm not being
bought out from doing this, man, I'm doing God's work. I'm in
I'm all all right. Yeah. Also, I kill you, I take
your money, right right? What do you not get about this? Like
I just fucking burn down your fort, man, like I knocked your not
burn it down. Gold. Yeah, yeah, we're gonna keep the gold.
Yea God's gold. That's God's gold, that's King Phillip's gold. That's
gonna be a nice chalice. Yeah. Again. The envoy returned to his
companions, and in half an hour came their acceptance of the ambiguous conditions because
they realized, well, we don't have any food, we don't need boats.
This guy's not gonna let us do what we want. I guess we
have to do what he says, the friends of the fucking New World.
There is no rules. No one's gonna stop you from doing anything. No,
you do have to report back though, and get thrown in jail for
being too big of a dick. Hold Indians here, because man, they
really adopted a lot of his stuff. Like he went back. Yeah,
the keys did not go back. Yeah, just stay or go somewhere else,
or go to a new island around the world, do Magellan, you
gotta be just don't go to the Philippines. Marlon Brando and uh apocalypse.
Now you just got to make your own little kingdom in the jungle. Yeah,
it's it's a heart of darkness. Yeah, you just go deeper and
deeper in it. Yes, right, Yeah. The Frenchmen for centover a
boat with their banners, their pistols, their swords, and some helmets and
breast pieces. Then twenty Spaniards crossed in the boat and brought them now unarmed
Frenchmen over the lagoon that's in between the coasts of the inlet. He brought
everyone over in parties of ten. Like I said, I think there was
like about I think there's like just around one hundred or so folks. They
were subjected to no ill treatment when they were ferried over. This was to
the boat over well yeah, this was to not let them know about the
horrors that lay ahead. Okay. They were brought in what is probably the
most obvious bait and switch ever, from like we're not gonna arge you on
the boat. They were brought from shore where they landed on the other side,
to the rear of a sand dune, out of sight from the rest
of their comrades, where Menendez was concealed from view of prisoners who were crossing
in the boat. So Menendez is waiting behind the sand dune. To each
party, Menendez addressed the same request, gentlemen, but a few soldiers with
me, and you got so many, got like one hundred. It'd be
an easy thing for you to do to overpower us and avenge yourselves upon us,
because we took your fort and killed all those people. So for this
reason, it's necessary that you should march to my camp four leagues from here
with their hands tied behind your back, so you don't try to overpower us.
That's why we're bringing you over intents and what the French guys were like,
okay, uh yeah, that's exactly what I said. They're like,
that makes sense. Yeah, I would try to kill you for sure.
Yeah, I want to kill you. Yeah. Yeah. They're unarmed and
they couldn't offer any resistance, so their hands were bound behind them with cords
taken from the very arms they had surrendered, so they were like shit wrapped
around their swords and stuff like that. They got bound with their own weapons.
Okay, weapon fabric, which is just gotta be a humiliating feeling.
That ideal. Yeah, at the distance of a gunshot from the dune.
Medendez had drawn a line in the sand with a spear across the path they
were supposed to follow to the wherever they were came across the line, and
then bad things happened. Then he ordered the captain of the van guar I
literally drew a line in the sand. Drew a line in the sand.
Then he ordered the captain in the vanguard, which escorted the prisoners that on
reaching the line in the sand, he was to cut off the heads of
all of them. He also commanded the captain of the rear guard to do
the same. So over one hundred men were brought in parties of ten,
and one by one were beheaded and stacked just out of sight from the next
incoming party. Perfect. It was Saturday, twenty ninth of September fifteen sixty
five, the Feast of Saint Michael, when this happened. It's always it's
always good to do it on a feast day, which is actually every day
of the year. Really, yeah, it's every other every other day.
There's like one hundred and eighty of them, like, ah, this will
be a glorious feast of Saint Michael. Yeah, it's our version of sacrifice.
What is there's one of the things amous Shakespearean speeches, the one where
the term band of brothers comes from. I think they're fighting on Saint Crispin's
day. Who's Saint Crispin? Don't worry about who Saint Chrispin is. He's
the he's the patron scene of breakfast Cereal. Yeah, he's an elf.
He lives in a tree. But yeah, so, uh, the massacre
had started around noon and they wrapped up by sunset. So do anything fun
and flirty like Burry Guy in the sand? Or did I did they?
Oh? No, they just left those bodies the stack. Why the fuck
would I ask you if you left someone to die? And for digging a
hole in the beach. The Battle of Agincourt took place on Saint Crispin's Day,
and it's in Henry the Fifth, Shakespeare's Saint Crispin's Day. I don't
care. Yeah. Meanwhile, there's another group that got lost. This was
only the first group of the Frenchmen that they were massacrering on this day.
Genre Ball, who was farther down on shore with two hundred men, was
also kind of fucked. It was going on over there. Yeah, I
think we should check it out. Like the first party, their only hope
lay in a return to Fort Caroline, which he was unaware had been taken
by the Spaniards. I heard a lot of screaming got out of there.
Well, these guys were completely like they were miles away from this massacre going
on. They had shipwrecked for their south near Cape Canaverl. The only thing
they had saved was a small boat from their wreck. This was calked with
their shirts, and thirteen of the company had set for Fort Caroline in search
of assistance, hadn't returned because they were probably killed Fort Caroline. Stuff happened
to them. Yeah, I bet some crabs feasted. Oh, crabs definitely
feasted. Do you know the stone crab? You know stone crab? You
know their little claws have the pressure of twenty one tons of snap force.
You say that, and I don't really comprehend what that means. It's almost
incomprehensible how much force that is, Like it could cut your finger off cleanly.
Sure. Yeah, as we're ball in his companion, they had they
decided they had to march. They never had another boat come back or anything,
so they had to march which you can. You can march up this
very long sandbar. Uh. They marched the way northward in the direction of
the fort. They eventually found themselves guess where, cut off by them a
Tanzas inlet where the Spaniards were. Oh and all the bodies. They didn't
see that, okay, yeah, same spots. So bodies are behind a
sand dune. Yeah, yeah they don't. I mean they're probably like,
man, it stinks over here. Yeah, it's the ocean, like a
bunch of fish just died. Yeah. At the side of the Spaniards,
they saw the Spaniards over on the other side. The French displayed their banners,
sounded their fifes and drums, and offered them battle. But Menendez just
looked over and basically shrugged it off. He's like, what, No,
I'm not doing that. I'm not gonna over there. Yeah, I'm not
coming over you come over here. He ordered his men to all just start
eating breakfast. So they set up shop and just started eating breakfast while the
French are like play, Yeah, they're just just eat boys. We want
to be on defense. Yeah. So he turned to walk up and down
the shore with his two captains in full sight of the French, which the
French were like, what the fuck whipped out? His dick started, helicopter
took and piss right in the ocean, called a halt and sounded a trumpet
call, and then displayed a white flag, which weird fucking move, like,
let's fight all right, never mind, I surrender. The French pulled
out the white flag. Yes, of course, very fresh man. I
live up to the stereotype so hard. My wife's giving me ship the other
day. So I'm like a very fast eater, right. I grew up
in a family. They have three siblings, two of them are boys.
Type of thing where like you know, if you there's a good dinner on
the table, Like at dinner, everyone will you gotta eat fast to get
second fucking halo if you want to get second through it, like a pizza.
There's pizza. You didn't even stand out fast. You have to eat
to get seconds on pizza. So it's kind of stuck with me. You
had a very home alone upbringing. Yes, Uh, that kind of stuck
with me for life. And uh, you're not a fucking refugee and a
FEMA camp. It doesn't matter. There's only so much of the like good
dinner. And also, by the way, you don't know how many good
dinners you get because when your mother is Irish Catholic, which western is Midwestern
not Midwest, they don't they don't cook so good. Okay, one time
my mom cooked a whole chicken. This is like fucking two years ago,
cooked a whole chicken and I pulled it out. Now she pulled out and
was like, okay, dinner. And I was like, this chicken looks
weird. And I cut into it and it was still like raw in the
middle. I was like, Wow, this chicken isn't fucking cooked. And
then she's like to Courtney, She's like, he is just so particular like
that, like, what the are you talking about? Your chicken medium rare?
I know? So well, at least he married somebody that can't cook.
Yes, she actually is a good cook. Okay, I agree,
though Irish Catholic moms probably can't cook that so good, No very much,
my mom. Last time I went home, just nuked some awesome tomahawk steaks,
just really just grilled the fuck out of them, like overcook them.
Yeah, okay, yeah, just like charred the fuck out of them.
They were so well done tomahawk, good piece of steak, and put some
ketchup on it. At that point, you could I threw them out.
All you can do the best thing you can do at that point is get
a tortilla and try to like, no, I could taco out of it.
I ate it. I mean you can still eat it. It's probably
still still really good, tasted good. Yeah, but it's a fucking tomahawk,
but goddamn not as good as it could have. But there was so
much potential. She was like making fun of me for eating fast, and
she was like she lived in France for a summer or something like that.
She was like, French people would just be disgusted by how you eat.
I was like, well, I eat fast. They surrender fast. Everyone
does some stuff fast. Well, the French are also, They're gonna sit
at a cafe all day. Rob beats the French fast. The French surrender
fast. I come fast. Some people just do stuff fast, right,
I do lost, I come fast. I also don't think Europe has it
wrong with what their day to day chill. You know, why do you
know why? I don't care. I don't care what their economy is like.
It doesn't mean anything to me. It's not even that. It's because
for the longest time they weren't chilling. Their quality of life is so good.
We need war. They've know they've shifted. It's Daddy is here and
we take care of everything so that there used to be daddy. They're being
an empire. Sucks, it's awful. You want to be a protectorate a
former empire. Can't we get to Italy? You want to be retired?
Europe is basically an American protectorate the entirety of Europe. So so what what's
your point, dude? Day to day? How much does that affect?
Why? Who's gonna take care of daddy? Who takes care of daddy?
Daddy needs a break when daddy ain't ever getting paid back, you know,
daddy's never Daddy needs a neck massage, Daddy's never. Daddy's grinded. But
guess what being a parent is a thankless job. Oh god, we're that
parent. No, we're the we're actually we're assholes. We're like, you
don't even pay for in this house. And then like this is the wrong
analogy, where about like sixteen, Yeah, this is the wrong analogy.
We're the child, they're the grandparents at this point. Yeah, and we
put them in a home they are they're a fucking nursing home and we're fucking
paying. Please don't put me in the room with the schizophrenic Eastern European man.
Yeah. Sorry, man, that's the only room we can afford.
You gotta live there. But they're getting freaky like all old people in retirement
homes. Yeah, I think we I think we landed this plane. I
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yeah, they threw up the white flagman and I was like, oh,
we'll throw that up. Throw that white flag up, boy, and
a French sailor Sam, I'm over to them. And there's so much swimming.
There's a lot of swimming. It's not that far of a swim fast
though, it's not that far of a swim. But I mean, for
me, I drowned and die, but uh he returned immediately, bringing the
request that Ryeball send over someone authorized to state what he wanted. The sailor
returned again with a French gentleman who announced that he was sergeant major. Oh
so he didn't put up a white flag. This y put a white flag.
Be like he coms, we're sending over. Yeah, you ride with
you also ride with a white flag to out to the middle of whatever.
Yeah, it goes We're not killing each other in this moment, right right.
The sailor returned again with a French gentleman who announced that he was Sergeant
Major of genre Ball, Viceroy and Captain General Florida for the King of France,
which pissed's the fuck off because it's like, no, you're not.
I'm in charge here. Yeah, France don't own a goddamn answer this shit
hole. Yeah. So he returned headless. No no, no, no,
no no no. Uh. His commander, he said his commitder had
been wrecked on the coast of three hundred and fifty of his people about two
hundred, and he had sent to ask for boats with which to reach his
fort and toquire if they were Spaniards Menende said, get this, we are
Spaniards. I to whom you are speaking am the captain of the Spanish fleet.
My name is Pedro Menendez. Tell your general that I have captured your
fort and killed your French there, as well as those who had escaped from
the wreck of your fleet that were first here. Uh. Then he offered
Rebolt the same terms which he had extended the first party that Rabow had no
idea about, and led the French officer to wear a few rods beyond lay
the dead bodies of the shipwrecked and defenseless men he had massacred. Just oh,
he showed them the bodies. He showed them the bodies. Okay,
this is where I don't understand what happened. This is the part where I'm
like, you have all of the information now right. When uh jeenre Bauld
reviewed the heaped up corpses of his friends, he asked Menendez to send a
gentleman to Rebolt or I'm sorry. When the frenchman observed that I jumped around
a little bit and also might not be his friends. He might hate some
of the guys on the other ship. Yeah, in the afternoon about him.
That guy was awful. He was asking for him. He was good.
I could have seen that guy that was a skilled craftsman. You meant
to kill him. I will mention though, the Spaniards did spare everyone that
claimed to be Catholic, and they sent them to Saint Augustine to work forever.
Oh so slaves kind of they worked the galleys on boats and shit like
that. Yeah, boat slaves, Yeah, Catholic boat slaves. Being a
boat slave, yeah, I think so. So. Yeah, Ball,
I'm sorry he didn't show him the bodies first. He showed the frenchman that
was relaying all this information to Rebel the bodies, was like, tell him
this, tell him to come over them. Yeah. In the afternoon,
genre Baul crossed over with eight gentlemen, was entertained by Bernendez. The French
accepted some wine and preserves, because of course they did, but they would
not take more, knowing the face of their companions. Then Jean, yeah,
get drunk with you. I know how you were a fucking rolled.
We're not eating the food, man, We're not. Uh. Then Jehan,
pointing to the bodies, asked again for some ships to return to France.
He's like, hey, maybe we can just get out and go.
We're Catholic. It was he Calolic with generra Bo callik uh no, he
was Protestant, so within like he left kill him once, Menanda's like,
I'm not giving you boats. Within three hours he was back again. He
offered one hundred thousand ducts on the part of his companions to secur their lives,
but Menendas gave him the set of exchange right now one hundred thousand dukens
a lot. Probably a lot, I would imagine it's a lot. Actually
it's shockingly it's it's only about one hundred dollars. It's like it's like yen.
Yeah. Yeah. When you're watching like Physical one hundred and it's like
three hundred million yon and you're like what the fuck? And then it's like,
oh, it's fifty seven thousand dollars. Yeah, really what? But
it's like last week's episode, the families of Unit six eighty four, they
were awarded like six hundred million dollars in Korean, it was like two hundred
and fifty k Yeah. Yeah, it's a couple of Walmart gift cards.
Yeah, three hundred million Korean is I think like one hundred thousand dollars or
something like, you know, something like that. Split amongst all the families.
Yeah. So once Reball was like, hey, I'll give you a
hundred thousand, and it's just like when it comes to generosity, this is
not for me to decide with money. It's God's decision. Ex up to
God. Yeah, so he was not speaking through me, baby, he
was not backing down. As the evening was falling, John Agan withdrew across
the un saying he would bring his finals to the decision in the morning.
When the morning came, Reball returned with six of his captains and surrendered his
own person down arms. Do you think you've inspired Tom Petty's won't back down
Florida's own back The French were just backing down the entire time. Yeah,
like maybe it'll go different for us, unlike those idiots. Yeah, they
got a little they're trying to take charges and pick up basketball. Yeah.
Also just like fuck man, just they can't attack eat right. These Spanish
can't project force currently right, No, they can't. They have one hundred
and fifty men at this time because this is twelve day. The second group
showed up twelve days later and they had brought in reinforcements exactly, so they
had one hundred and fifty people there, but genre Baul had two hundred,
so the Spanish cannot project force on them. No, they well they when
they were taking breakfast. I forgot to mention this. They set up in
a way that made it look like they had a lot more people the Spanish.
It yeah, OK, so it looked a lot more evenly matched the
food. Well, the French shouldn' neat the food. They just got drunk
and they were seeing double They're like, oh my god, this must be
Yeah. So when Rebol went over before they finally accepted the terms, like
seventy or eighty dudes of his two hundred were like, fuck you yeah,
there's bodies over there, right, And they tried to kill a couple people,
like they tried to revolt in that Uni. Yeah yeah, fuck yeah,
And that got kind of snuffed out and they all just ran into the
woods. Yeah yeah, So there's about one hundred and forty one hundred and
fifty people left overall. They decided to surrender, though, and Menendez then
turned over genre Ble to Menendez's brother in law, Gonzolo Solely de Maris,
and to Captain Juan da San Vicente, with directions to kill him to kill
re Ball, to kill Reball, of course. Yeah. Rebol was wearing
a felt hat and the guy, the captain, Juan de Son Vicente,
was like, hey, give me that hat. I want your hat,
which genre Ball is like, all right, here you go. And then
the Spaniard said, you know, captains must obey their generals and execute their
commands. We must find your hands. Okay, yeah, that makes sense.
That's because he greeted the terms of we just have to keep you right,
tie you up right, which I guess they didn't know the circumstance of
the first massacre. Obviously, they weren't there. That they did. They
knew that people had died, they didn't know that they were falling for the
same exact trick. When this had been done and the three had proceeded a
little distance along the way, Vicente gave him a blow in the stomach with
his dagger, and then Maris thrust him through the breast with a pike,
and then they cut off his head as his men in groups of ten were
beheaded behind the sand dunes. I mean, good lord, one by one,
groups of ten were beheaded behind the sand dunes. So we're talking at
this point, I mean are there blades even sharp enough? I can't imagine
they are, but you know, so at this point they've killed about two
hundred and fifty to three hundred frenchmen one by one behind a sand dude.
Yeah, but this guy's a system captain. He's got the same move.
He does it over and over. He's has the air raid of massacres.
It's just like spread them out wide, spread them out, going for the
kilt inflated stats. Once somebody figures it out, it's like the Wildcat for
the first couple of years. Yeah, yeah, Oh, they're going to
run the ball Darren McFadden in the Wildcat when they first started running that ship.
Oh, what's gonna happen? They run the ball, Darren mcatten's run
to get it. Yeah, they don't. They don't throw or Felix Jones
in another spot, all right, I believe Peyton Hill. It's also or
mainly I'm talking mainly about the Dolphins when they implemented it in the NFL.
Oh yeah, just unstoppable. It was crazy. But yeah, Ever since
the twelfth of October fifteen sixty five, when genre ball and the larger part
of the French Huguenots who had survived the wreck were massacred by Menendez. The
inlet where the deed occurred has been known as matanzas again, meaning slaughters in
Spanish. What was what was that? What are you doing with your hands?
I'm just saying talking to the microphone, was I not? Yeah?
You always side mike it well when you read yeah, there you go again.
That means slaughters in Spanish and to this day and that I didn't let
if you drive over there, it is the most chill looking spot in the
world. Everyone's vacation home. Is there? Very pretty place to die.
It's I would love to just knock on someone's door there because I was there.
I was just like, oh, these are beautiful homes and stuff like
that, and like, you know, three hundred men were beheaded like right
there. I bet you they do. It'd be funny if one house was
just haunted. Fuck. I was gonna say, Like you ever think someone
goes like to an Airbnb or like vacation around They're like, man, the
vibes in here are fucking wird. Yeah. Everyone, there's like a bunch
of endless ghosts and people screaming in French every night. I feel like,
yeah, do you feel like you're hearing three hundred Frenchman scream? Because I
do. It could be the my dies talking. So some people thought Menndas
was a big old dick about this because he went against his word. He
was saying. Hey. They were like, hey, you kind of didn't
say you were gonna kill them. You tricked them and killed them behind a
dune like a coward, no honor. King Philip was like, listen,
yeah, it was kind of a dick move, but do you really want
Protestantism spreading in Florida? And everyone's like, that's a really good point,
King Philip. So Menenda's never got any shipped for that. Really. Some
people didn't like them. Some people thought he was also flags and banners fly
forever. Yes, you never heard about this, goddamn fortu Fort Caroline.
No, yeah, actually Fort Caroline was once it was taken by the Spanish,
was burned to the ground, I mean in retaliation I believe by the
French later, or it might have been around the same time. I don't
know. There's another hole. They renamed it San Mateo. They burned it,
it got burned, something happened, I don't know. And also the
Native Americans were very like pro like in cahoots with the Spanish. They were
ratten out on the French the entire time. Interesting, Yeah, the Americans
like the French better. Up north. It was like the Tamikua or the
I forget the name of the tribe. It wasn't the Seminoles, but they
were. Yeah, they were in codes with them. But I just thought
it was interesting just seeing a bunch of beautiful vacation homes. So oh,
Matanzas River. My father I was like, yeah, look that up.
See what happened here. It's like, oh, heads will roll. I
knew this was coming wherever. Whenever you go somewhere I talked to you immediately
talk about it after Yeah, because it's fresh. Yeah, like the West
Texas episode. I love that episode, the Zone of Silence where they just
decided to you know, no a big deal. We're just taking two hundred
thousand tons of sand from this one spot to study it in the Pentagon.
Real important. Nah, No, that's not sketchy. I do think that
there's I don't think that the Spanish commander is a liar. Members. Yeah,
you can only lie to people, not heathens. Yeah, you can
only lie to Catholics. Yeah, yeah, it's not a lie if they're
not Catholic. Would you guys learn to that. It's kind of like when
the Pope said, you can't use range weapons against fellow Catholics, right,
calculated, you can't use lies unless it's him again it's Catholic. Yeah right,
well the poking dude, you can always move the goalpost. What Therefore,
what I learned today, it's actually important to know that. I think
a lot of people don't realize that as far as colonialism goes. Uh,
we weren't just slaughtering the natives. Oh no, no, no, no,
everybody could get it. Yeah, everybody was getting it. Yeah.
That and what I learned today was Florida, the home of fraud, was
built on kind of a backstab in scheme a little bit. Yeah, it's
not's about right in Poco. Yeah, Poco the home of yeah, like
identity fraud, whatever, credit card theft, oh, elder abuse. Yeah
yeah, Miami's built on cocaine. You all know this because of Billy Corbyn.
But uh yeah, who's today's hitler? The fuck Menendez? Menanda's clearly
yeah, he said Catholicism aside. Yeah, he beheaded a lot fully hit.
What are squatter's rights like in Florida squatters rights? Yeah, in New
York it's thirty days with the Santa's probably not that many. Yeah, I
probably got rid of that. But with Rick Scott before him, like Florida
and Texas, I feel like you just shoot the person. Yeah. Florida,
if you all you have to do, if even if someone is legally
renting on your property, all you have to do is walk into that property,
say I E vict you, and then you can immediately shoot them.
Yeah you're actually you have to teleport out. Yeah, you get shot.
He's coming for us. Uh. The thing I totally forgot about to in
Florida is there's no requirement for concealed carry, so everyone the same as Texas.
No, I don't think so it is in Texas. Did they just
pass up. It's pretty new. Yeah, I think it's been around a
couple of years. I hate Yeah, it's but it's fairly new, especially
for Texas. Like you would think that that existed lot, you would think
it would never have. I have no problem with the open carry because you
can see it. Open carry is honestly stupid. Well, you should not
want because that just gives someone an excuse to crack you on the back of
the head and steal your gun. Yeah you can't oh personally doing it.
Yeah that's what I mean. Yeah, I mean think about every time you
see a cop you want to reach down for that gun. Oh, it's
the first thing you want to do. People with guns be like, oh
whatever, you should be able to do whatever you want to gun. But
like it. Conceal carry is fun because now every cop gets to assume you're
armed. Yeah, that's not what you want, and not in Florida at
least. God also just FHP whoeveryone in Florida is armed. Yeah, it's
a safe assumption. Yeah. But yeah, that's what I learned about when
I was on a little trip to Florida see my little nieces. Actually the
babies were so young, they were like less than three months. At one
point we were at the airbnb one of Katie's sisters rented. I had to
do hawk duty because there was a big hawk flying around. Good Lord,
and the baby was like out there and small enough, so you chewed the
food and spit it into their mouth. No I didn't, baby bird.
I didn't, baby Bird. I just shook my fist to pick birds as
they flew. The hawk would not be able to pick up the baby.
They could dive at it, though, they could dive out it. Are
they just crawling and they would have the hawks the babies. Babies don't move
that young. No, they don't move that they were sitting in the bouncy
thing, bouncy chair. Yeah, but the hawk could at any point just
swoop down, I mean, carried it away. It would hurt, significantly
hurt the baby. Fuck it up. Yeah, they can pick it up
by the little not hawks way like hawks like eight pounds. Hawks are not
that big. No, they're not. They're like, you know, the
eagles are huge eagles. An eagle could maybe pick up in the condor could
fucking fly with two babies. Yeah, yeah, but a condor is like
a vulture. It is, and it's South America. I believe California connors.
Do you have California content? And we'll get to vultures on the Anyone
who's like, oh, a hawk could eat my dog, you know,
like my little my tiny little chihuahua, like well, maybe a chiuala,
like a five pounds huala. Maybe owls are also big? What owls are
huge. Somehow they look big. No, they are big pound wise.
It depends on me how Actually, I think like a snowy white ouse pretty
big. I believe they are as well. I think those big barnows like
this tall too. That's a lot of people mistake this for aliens because they're
about like this. They're like three feet. Yeah. Birds are bigger than
anything. Hawk can only carry about four pounds. Actually, large eagles can
only car about five. But it's not about what they can carry, it's
about where they can kill and eat right there on the spot too. Okay.
The largest owl on earth is blackist on this fish owl, and it
is between six and a half to seven point nine pounds. What, there's
no way while the female actually gets bigger at that ten pounds. Uh,
the north the great gray owl, it's like about two feet tall. That's
fine, but that doesn't mean it's Are they fucking hollow? Yeah a lot?
Well no, they have hollow bones, hollow bones, and it's a
lot of the mass you see, it's just feathers. It's plumage, dude.
That's why there were dragons before their bones were hollow disintegrated. That would
make sense if they were related to dinosaurs, right, if there's like the
bird dinosaur connection, if there was still like large flying halfway throughs. Plus
there are acidic stomachs. That's how they make them fire. They make that
fire. But that's how the bones go. But again, though, you
cannot pick something up that weighs the same as you or more than you.
Let's fly away. Oh to fly yet an animal can't? You don't know
that? What if you had really strong wings? They don't do it?
Why not? They just don't. Why a pterodactyl way actually only nine pounds.
That's sick. It was all skin. We're about to flappies, getting
know they're huge Jesus Christ. They had a wingspan of about thirty feet,
weighed around five hundred and fifty pounds. Yeah, they'll pick you up.
Fuck that. It's a seven forty seven. Yeah, and it's getting eaten
in a pterodactyl nest. Yeah, they're not accidentally nose diving. Oh seven
thirty seven, My bad. Well that's it for the show, guys,
thanks so much for listening. Please like, will not like, please subscribe
again dot com slash off Core history. This week, we're actually going to
talk about vultures are we really a little bit well extra segue. Yeah,
also leave a review. Dan needs more reviews so we can drink and get
drunk on the show. We're almost there, yeah right now, thirty five
away. Yeah seems so far away. It's so far away. Yeah,
just someone make thirty five alts and let Dan drink. I want to drink.
We can't do it because that would be fraud. I just don't care.
I also don't care enough to hire a click farm to do it.
Yeah. No, no, no, no, I want it to be
legit. I don't have I don't have the energy to send fourteen dollars to
Indonesia. No, no, no. Plus, you don't want to send
them any money because they can probably figure out a way to send themselves more.
Yes, but uh yeah, that's it for a show. Thanks so
much for listening for Dan or Jester from Rob Fox. I'm Jake Goldman.
You just got saw served