WEBVTT

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I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis. And this is safe word. Safe

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word is sex therapy unhinged because instead
of being a blank slate that's just here

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to support you, we're telling you
the details on our own sex lives,

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relationships, identities, and more.
This isn't sex and it's not therapy,

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but we are sex therapists and what
you hear today may excite you. Each

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week we tackle the theme related to
sex, relationships, gender, and more.

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This week we're diving into the theme
initiation M M an initiation station.

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I don't know why I always I
don't know. You gotta rhyme, you

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can't help it. I always gotta
rhyn I gotta throw in a little jingle,

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A little jingle Jingle's just the sad
theme song with I don't know whatever

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comes to mind with my freestyling.
This is the last episode of the season.

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Can we do like an emotions check
in? I feel like this season

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was kind of long. Do you
feel like it was? I feel like

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it went by you know that saying
like the days are long, but the

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years are short. No. I
feel like each episode I feel like we

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are here for six hours, but
then when I look back this season,

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I'm like, oh, that went
by kind of fast. I can't believe

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we've done two seasons. I can't
believe that we've done two seasons. Yeah,

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yeah, we're tired. Yeah,
we're tired. I'm happy to be

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here, and I'm happy that I
get to see you on these weeks.

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I get to have multiple face to
face as well. I know. Just

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reminded me. Sometimes my clients will
be like, how are you, and

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I won't think very hard and I'll
just be like, I'm exhausted, and

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then I'll have to be like,
but I really love being here. I'm

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so happy to be here. I
feel like that's what we just did.

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But yeah, I think we get
too. I was like, tired,

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No, no, not, I'm
tired before in my life. Yeah,

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it feels wrong to admit that we're
tired, but I mean we we're busy.

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We got a lot going on,
and you're sick right now and you

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should probably not even be here sicken
and denial though, Yeah, I'm gonna

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work on because I have told myself
that it doesn't that doesn't happen to me

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anymore, like you grew out of
it. Yeah, yeah, because I

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got my tonsils out in my like
mid to late twenties, and ever it

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was literally life changing, and so
I just I'm like, this doesn't affect

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me anymore. I've never had COVID, you know of I am a super

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I'm a superhuman. So yeah,
it's really it's really that simple, kids,

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Okay, in initiation? Should we
should we go? There? I

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love initiating. Do you do?
Oh? I feel like I'm to learn

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from you today. I love those
episodes. I love initiating, especially like

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in public when I'm interested in somebody, Like if I'm like, I'm very

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quick to get eye contact. I'm
very quick to be like, oh that's

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cutie over there's cutie over there.
I'm gonna like there, you will be

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mine. So it's very I don't
know if I told the story on this

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podcast of my like my approach to
somebody where I just is like do you

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want to fuck? If you did, it's worth telling again. I was

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out with somebody and it was supposed
to be like a business lune. Oh

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yeah, yeah, okay, all
right, but tell it again, tell

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it again, and tell us about
initiating. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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I think that Like for me,
it comes with my impulsive. Yeah,

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I think impulsivity where I'm just like
and impatience and I'm just like, if

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they don't, if they don't do
it, and then I never see them

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again and the moment has passed,
but it doesn't. It's very anxiety provoking

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to me. Sometimes, um like
I will feel the physical manifestations of anxiety.

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I will feel my heart racing when
I hear my voice it sounds like

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it's shaking. Then I'll be like, you look, I don't know,

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but like, I think that I
came off super confident in that clearly it

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worked said yes, it worked a
charm, yes, yes, And but

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I think like in general, like
I feel like, yeah, I'm bold,

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I'm really really bold. I don't
I don't know. I was in

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the Bay a couple of weekends ago
and there was this girl and she was

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our server at like this one restaurant
and then happened to be bartending at the

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at the bar the next night,
and I was like, give me your

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number. So I think initiation when
it comes to all of these, like

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I'm I'm as bold as fuck.
I don't care. I'm quick to hit

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somebody with a little wave, a
little eye contact, a little linger a

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little smirk. I'm like, I
want you to give me lessons in the

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I mean, I don't know what
am I initiating these days. Yeah,

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you know, but you you get
initiate Friendship's true. I did have a

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really oh this is kind of a
sad story. I'll tell it and then

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we can decide if we want to
keep it. But I there was this

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cat that was living outside of my
house. Yeah, and I was working

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with this like animal activist group,
and they were helping me decide like is

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this feral cat or is this a
cat that's like lost, And they kind

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of determined, like this isn't a
feral cat, we should get it inside

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and bring it to the beat whatever. So for a week I was just

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trying to build trust with his cat. Finally got it inside and it died

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two days later, and it was
like in your house in my house and

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found out that it had like advanced
leukemia. Were both the animal, right,

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that's your initiation rites people were like
queer and cool, and I was

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like, you're the only people that
knew Sammy the cat, Like we have

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to hang out and that's that is
truly my form of initiating, Like whether

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it's a date or a friendship or
anything. I will sort of like it's

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way less straightforward, it's way worse
than yours. If I'm honest, like,

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I will just make something up that
that feels like something we have in

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common. I guess that's probably not
so bad. Um, that's not bad.

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I'm like, I feel like I
did I initiate with you, initiated

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give me their information, email them
right now, initiated with me. But

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I was gonna do it anyway.
It was just gonna take me well because

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I had to come up with a
whole story that, you know, that

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would make sense. So I don't
know. I guess I'm a little bit

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more of a pisces that way.
Could that be? Um? Yeah,

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but I think lately initiating sexually,
I don't like mal and I both I

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think initiate pretty fifty fifty. And
our form of initiation at this point is

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pretty much one of two things.
It's either should we have sex right now,

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or it's like kissing that escalates into
a very particular type of kissing that

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we both know but have never talked
about. Means like I want sex right

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now, and so our forms of
rejecting initiation are either like no, I

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don't want to have sex right now, or like one person is leaning in

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escalating the kiss and the other is
like giving little pex and like then you

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know, we stop, and then
like ten minutes go by, and then

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the person who like was trying to
initiate is like feeling really sad and rejected,

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and then we emotionally process what the
experience that I know, and then

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like the whole night we could have
been having sex, but instead we're talking

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about what it was like that you
were kissing me this way and I was

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not as into it, and you
know, and then often we end up

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having sex because maybe that conversation turns
us on. I don't know, but

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yeah, we're in a we're in
a routine of either very straightforward or very

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round about. Do you prefer when
someone initiates sex with you or do you

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prefer to initiate personally? I hate
initiating. Yeah no, no, I'm

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exact opposite of you. I love
a strong initiation. The more clear it

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is, the better, because I
have I have contextual desire, but the

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context that makes me desire somebody is
a strong initiation. So it's like even

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if I'm well, that makes it
hard for mal I think, and for

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any partner that I've had because because
I am, like exist in a state

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of usually not being turned on and
it takes a strong initiation to get me

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there. That's a huge risk that
I ask my partners to take because they're

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like sensing that I'm not turned on
and they have to take that leap of

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faith to like pull me into desire. It's interesting. Yeah, I haven't

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figured it out fully. It's interesting
because I like lean more submissive sexually,

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but but you top from the bottom. I feel like you really tap from

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the bottom. I think so too. That really uts that's hidden because I'm

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all I'm like, I'm like,
I DTF is my like state. My

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HOMEO state is DTF. So it's
like if somebody's trying to like just yeahones

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are flying for real, I don't
know. It's deep, it's real deep.

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Yeah. I feel like most of
like people that I've like been in

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long term relationships with, they're like
okay, and all my friends are like

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and Camille still wants to have sex
all the time, like years into my

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relationships and are like, I don't
know, that's that's magic. I love

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that for you, and I learned
from you. I learned from you.

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Okay, should we talk about other
people? Let's get it to get all

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right? Oh, okay relatable.
We schedule sex, and sometimes the starting

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can be awkward. Tips for moving
from appointment vibes to sexy. My answer

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is probably going to be annoying.
Do you ever feel that like this.

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Do you feel like, because you're
a therapist, you give therapisty answers to

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things and they're annoying. Yes to
your clients and to your friends and to

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the world. Yes, yeah,
okay, yeah with good because I'm like,

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I feel like the appointment can be
sexy. That's literally I feel like

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it's kind of annoying. But I
do feel like I think that because we

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are taught that the only way that
sex is sexy is if it's like this

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spontaneous, nonverbal we just are on
the same wavelength all the time. Thing

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that this has been like constructed into
making us feel like if we do schedule

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sex, that it isn't as genuine
as hot, as sexy, as real.

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And I think that you can make
your appointments like you could put role

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play into them, like I don't
know that's what's coming up for me.

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I'm on a lot of cough medicine
and right now wavelength you're on. I

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love it. Yeah, but I'm
like, you know, like you could

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be like I feel like this would
be a good teacher student type of thing

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that you could do to spice it
up and then be like, this is

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like it's time for our appointment,
like I will try it a sex appointment

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or is it a doctor's up?
Yeah? Yeah, exactly exactly, or

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are you in trouble with the principle, Like I don't know, Like I

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think that it's just like the more
than that, you can start to normalize

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that this is what happens and lots
of relationships, short term, long term

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and everything in between. You could
put less pressure on yourself and then it

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won't you won't feel so internalize judgment
over the way that sex happens in your

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relationship. I love it. Mic
drop Yeah, I I'm just narrating what

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you're doing. You dropped, you
dropped the mic. Yeah. I feel

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like it doesn't have to be like
we show up in the bedroom, we

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get on our bed, each of
us around our knees, looking at each

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other, and then one of us
reaches out. Although you know, it's

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like a notebook style sex. That
could work. Yeah, that could work.

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I love it though. I love
it that like, just because it's

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an appointment for sex doesn't mean it
has to be an appointment for a certain

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kind of sex. I also was
going to give a very annoying, different

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therapistic answer, which is like,
what if starting is awkward, that's okay,

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yep. Equally as annoying YEA,
thank you, because I do think

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that starting sex and long term relationships
can very often be awkward. Whenever you

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are starting an embodied activity, it
makes sense that your body needs a second

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to get back in the room sex
For most people from bodied activity, the

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body needs a warm up. So
if you don't want to do the warm

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up when you meet each other at
the appointment, do it with yourself in

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another room first, right, Like
you could say a little bit a little

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solo sex an essential shower. If
you don't want to warm up together,

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you're gonna have to warm up somewhere
else. Next person says, for women,

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love and women, how to initiate
in a way that isn't ikey in

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this is het man way. M
hmm. Interesting, This is a layered

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question. Yes, should we start
by I mean yeah, no, hear

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you? No, No, go
ahead. I was gonna say we should

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we try to put words to the
ikeys is Man way that this person is

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trying to describe. Yeah language,
Yeah, absolutely, I feel like that's

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a good place to go because I'm
like, what are what are we talking

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about? Like? Is it?
Because when I think of like Ichy sis

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het Man way, I think of
violation and I think of like won't take

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no for an answer, or a
no is just a no until it's a

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yes type thing. That's the flavor
that feels like this person might be trying

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to get out is you know,
um violations of concern And I totally,

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I totally think so. And I
also think that people who are not sisman

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often feel like any kind of initiation
is pressure any like not from a sisman

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to other people. Like when when
non sisman are initiating, I think that

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our bar is low to feel like
we have done too much oppression, right,

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Like when you have like a marginalized
identity and you feel like taking up

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space is potentially unsafe for you,
or you will be told that you are

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too much, or you between you
will be told that you're asking too much.

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It makes sense that you adapt and
adjust and then you're like, well,

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up, I'll occupy less space then, so I won't initiate. I

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will I will be ready for when
somebody wants me, but I won't,

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you know, maybe be the initiator
or like a maybe a really present advocate

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for my needs and placing them front
and center in the spotlight one hundred percent.

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And I think along those lines,
and with the additional layer of purity

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culture, we have very much cast
specifically women in the role of the gatekeepers

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of sexuality, like it is their
job to say yes or no to something,

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it is not their job to ask
that question. And I think when

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we are then in a place where
we're asking that question, it feels something

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about it feels feels aggressive to us
because because we have been taught that,

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you know, women are sexually demure
and and responsible for preserving purity and preserving

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knows and not asking for yeses.
So I think, but I think that's

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part and parcel with also what you're
talking about. I think that's really well

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said. And I think that when
it comes to this person and their question

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is like also the ways in which
patriarchy and systems of oppression natural really infiltrate

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everyone. So also being like,
what does initiation if I were to define

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it for myself in my relationships,
what would it look like? And maybe

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it does borrow from archetypes that you
have seen and that artists had meant maybe

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it does borrow from some of that, And it sounds like you're in queer

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relationships, so those things are also
queer for you, and like being able

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00:16:26.519 --> 00:16:33.360
to kind of like redefine it and
being assertive and having a more aggressive kind

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of approach that you know obviously respects
body autonomy and consent, but being like,

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00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:42.879
this is still an okay way for
me to be because I think that

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00:16:42.919 --> 00:16:47.360
there is shame and being like,
okay, well i can't initiate in this

219
00:16:47.399 --> 00:16:49.720
way because then I'm going to feel
like a gross sist dude. And it's

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00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:52.639
like, well, it can also
be like something that makes you feel really

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empowered and sexy and turns you on, and that gets to be okay for

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you. I love that you brought
up the archetype piece because I think what

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00:17:02.120 --> 00:17:08.079
I'm like feeling so much empathy for
for this person for myself is that you

224
00:17:08.119 --> 00:17:11.200
know, I'm somebody that I would
love to be a better initiator of sex.

225
00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:15.720
And who are the fucking examples I
have to look at to show me

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00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:21.319
what that looks like. Not very
many nuanced ones, not very many people

227
00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:26.839
that look like me. So I
guess that, like, in the light

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00:17:26.880 --> 00:17:30.319
of that, this question makes all
the sense in the world. It's sort

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00:17:30.359 --> 00:17:33.599
of like, okay, so here's
the template we've been given. What is

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00:17:33.640 --> 00:17:41.279
an alternative to that that is still
strong and assertive and clear because it is

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00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:44.960
it is a hard line, right, Like some people, well, what

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00:17:45.160 --> 00:17:47.480
really love is somebody walked up to
them in a bar and put their arm

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around their shoulder, depending on who
that person was in the context, and

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other people would be like, what
the fuck And we don't know, we

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00:17:53.839 --> 00:18:00.240
don't know, and and so I
really feel it like, yeah, we

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00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:04.880
have to err on the side of
caution and asking those questions, and yeah,

237
00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:07.559
how do we how do we keep
it sexy? At the same time,

238
00:18:07.599 --> 00:18:12.599
it's hard, but I could see
it being really sexy if somebody came

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00:18:12.680 --> 00:18:17.839
up to me and was like,
like, I'd love to put my arm

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00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:22.519
around you or whatever version of that. Yeah, if you can't ask questions

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about what somebody wants in a way
that is confident. I think that might

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00:18:27.000 --> 00:18:33.079
be part of a middle ground.
All right. The next question says,

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00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:41.319
how to ask out my best friend
of five years? First of all,

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00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:47.640
yeah, like so hot, first
of all. Second of all, potentially

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00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:51.599
re traumatizing because how many of us
have fallen in love with straight best friends

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00:18:51.599 --> 00:18:56.480
in our past? And I'm gonna
go ahead and assume that you know this

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00:18:56.480 --> 00:19:02.119
person isn't straight, because I can't
go there right now. That's the truth.

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00:19:03.160 --> 00:19:07.720
That's really hard. Okay, Mike, this is not an answer.

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00:19:07.720 --> 00:19:11.240
This is a story. My godmother's
My godmother is queer, but did not

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00:19:11.640 --> 00:19:14.880
did not know she was queer,
was not in touch with her queerness until

251
00:19:14.920 --> 00:19:18.079
her late twenties early thirties, and
she had a coworker and they became like

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best best best friends and hung out
for like years, And then I asked

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00:19:23.599 --> 00:19:26.519
them the other day. I was
like, so, how did this start?

254
00:19:26.599 --> 00:19:27.480
Like you didn't even know? You
were like, how did this go?

255
00:19:27.920 --> 00:19:32.920
And she was like, we were
at dinner, sitting across from each

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00:19:32.920 --> 00:19:36.559
other, and I just like started
playing footsie with her, and I just

257
00:19:36.599 --> 00:19:41.759
like put my foot on like next
to her leg or on her lap,

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and she just sort of started like
rubbing it and that was there. That

259
00:19:45.559 --> 00:19:49.079
was how it started. So that's
one way to do it, Isn't that

260
00:19:49.200 --> 00:19:53.000
kind of cute? That's so cute. Yeah, it melted my heart and

261
00:19:53.039 --> 00:19:56.559
that was like, you know,
that was the nineties, right, so

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00:19:56.599 --> 00:19:59.920
that was that was kind of a
big deal. You're That story you just

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shared is like so much. It
talks about initiation in so many ways and

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00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:07.160
like the different ways that it can
present itself. And I think, how

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00:20:07.160 --> 00:20:10.319
would you do it? Like,
m like I'm going to try to figure

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00:20:10.359 --> 00:20:12.480
out my best friend and think,
like how the fuck would I? I

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00:20:12.480 --> 00:20:15.799
would never ask out my best friend, So I don't know because I've like

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00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:21.559
hooked up with Oh that's true,
that's a couple of my best how died?

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00:20:21.799 --> 00:20:25.599
Like? Can maybe can you share
if you're open to it? Yeah?

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00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:30.400
How that starts? Is it?
Is there any acknowledgement of attraction ahead

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00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:33.279
of time or does it just kind
of happen? You know? It's It's

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00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:37.599
interesting because when I'm thinking about this
one friend in particular, I'm trying to

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remember, like when was the first
time that she and I kissed? And

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00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:45.160
why? Because I feel like we
had been Like no, like you're just

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00:20:45.400 --> 00:20:48.599
friends. Oh my god, I've
known you since you were seventeen. Da

276
00:20:48.960 --> 00:20:52.880
da. I think that I just
maybe like sense that there was a vibe

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00:20:53.039 --> 00:20:57.960
shift there. And I think what's
really like, I feel really fortunate is

278
00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:03.160
that I've been able to like hook
up with her, and that it doesn't

279
00:21:03.200 --> 00:21:07.720
always it hasn't changed like the course
of our friendship, and that we're able

280
00:21:07.759 --> 00:21:11.640
to still be friends and then sometimes
we make out and sometimes we might have

281
00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:17.680
sex, and then sometimes we won't
at all. But I guess this person

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00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:21.559
is asking something different because it sounds
like this person relationship. Yeah, I

283
00:21:21.599 --> 00:21:23.960
think too. So, okay,
best friends, you probably talk about everything.

284
00:21:25.839 --> 00:21:29.720
I wonder if you could start out
talking about this in a way that

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00:21:29.880 --> 00:21:33.759
isn't asking them to go out with
you, but is sort of exploring whether

286
00:21:33.880 --> 00:21:37.039
or not they've ever thought about you
in that way, as like, so

287
00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:45.119
I have this friend and not okay, not quite that roundabout and passive,

288
00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:49.000
but more like, um gosh,
why can't I think of an example of

289
00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:53.200
this right now? Let me think
this is a tough question. Why is

290
00:21:53.240 --> 00:21:56.599
it tough? Why do you think
it's tough? Okay, I'll I'll tell

291
00:21:56.640 --> 00:22:00.720
you why I think it's tough.
I think that probably for this person feels

292
00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:03.960
like there's a lot at steak,
more at steak than than asking a strang

293
00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:07.279
how a stranger what happens if they
say no? What if I make it

294
00:22:07.319 --> 00:22:08.680
awkward? What if I win the
friendship and maybe we'd I mean, I'm

295
00:22:08.680 --> 00:22:14.279
glad you asked that question, because
if the friendship isn't a friendship that could

296
00:22:14.319 --> 00:22:18.000
handle that. I don't know if
it's the relationship, but I would want

297
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:22.359
to be in Oh maybe, like
that would be the kind of conversation I

298
00:22:22.359 --> 00:22:26.119
would want to be able to have
and bounce back from with somebody, even

299
00:22:26.119 --> 00:22:29.640
if maybe they needed time of course
that would make sense. Yeah, but

300
00:22:29.720 --> 00:22:33.599
like I don't know how they respond
to this question for me would be a

301
00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:37.680
great indicator of what I actually want
to go out with them. Yeah.

302
00:22:37.720 --> 00:22:40.880
I think another thing that makes it
hard is like the fear of rejection,

303
00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:44.319
Like what does it mean if you're
if your best friend of five years is

304
00:22:44.359 --> 00:22:49.559
oh right, they really know yourself
and then like, yeah, what was

305
00:22:49.599 --> 00:22:53.079
it because of this? This?
This? What have you? So?

306
00:22:53.160 --> 00:22:56.759
I feel like that's what makes it
hard. Like every time I went through

307
00:22:56.759 --> 00:23:00.839
a breakup and my best friend told
me you're hot, anyone would be lucky

308
00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:04.880
enough to have you. They were
lying because they didn't want me. Yeah,

309
00:23:06.079 --> 00:23:10.680
yeah, yeah. The stakes.
I can understand why that the stakes

310
00:23:10.680 --> 00:23:14.400
are high. I think the stakes
are high and the stakes are low because

311
00:23:14.440 --> 00:23:18.480
it's gonna be okay. It's gonna
be okay. And I think that you,

312
00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:22.599
I think testing the waters in a
sense of like, maybe things do

313
00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:26.960
feel a little bit flirtatious, and
you can kind of sense you might know

314
00:23:27.039 --> 00:23:32.400
what this person's flirt style looks like
or when they are into you. Like

315
00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:37.160
as best friends, you do have
a really intimate knowledge of one another.

316
00:23:37.240 --> 00:23:38.440
So I think that there are ways
that you might be able to be like,

317
00:23:40.119 --> 00:23:44.000
you know, gently curious about like
what happens. And it could be

318
00:23:44.039 --> 00:23:48.799
like a foot seat moment. It
could be like a you know, just

319
00:23:48.920 --> 00:23:53.000
a lingering glance. I don't know, Okay, could we explore the other

320
00:23:53.079 --> 00:23:56.559
end of the spectrum where they just
come out and say it. I just

321
00:23:56.599 --> 00:24:00.400
want to put that out, Like
what if they they ask friend to go

322
00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:03.079
to dinner. Friend doesn't necessarily like
necessarily know what that means, and that's

323
00:24:03.119 --> 00:24:07.880
fine, I think, And at
dinner you maybe have this conversation and say,

324
00:24:07.920 --> 00:24:10.680
like, hey, I know,
we go to dinner all the time

325
00:24:10.839 --> 00:24:15.599
as friends, and part of me
is hoping that, like, you might

326
00:24:15.599 --> 00:24:18.960
be interested in something else, and
if not, we can continue this dinner

327
00:24:19.240 --> 00:24:22.880
as friends as we would have.
I will, oh a surprise date,

328
00:24:23.160 --> 00:24:26.440
well not a SKay okay, okay, wait wait you're right, that's not

329
00:24:26.480 --> 00:24:30.160
a good thing. But are we
on a date now or not? Okay?

330
00:24:30.160 --> 00:24:33.359
Because I'm just thinking like you,
but I like, I like,

331
00:24:33.640 --> 00:24:37.880
I actually don't think that what you're
suggesting is a bad thing. You could

332
00:24:37.880 --> 00:24:41.400
text your friend and say, do
you want to go on a date with

333
00:24:41.440 --> 00:24:42.880
me? I just feel like there
needs to be a little bit more of

334
00:24:42.920 --> 00:24:48.319
like a here's how I got from
there to hear yeah, and I'm like

335
00:24:48.759 --> 00:24:52.160
yeah, I say. I like
the idea of presenting it as like,

336
00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:56.359
hey, if this is something you
have ever thought about you want to explore,

337
00:24:56.960 --> 00:25:03.000
like sweet, we can and continue
this dinner as friends and go on

338
00:25:03.039 --> 00:25:04.200
a date later if you decide that
something you're interested in. If you're not

339
00:25:04.240 --> 00:25:07.079
interested at all, we can just
continue this dinner as friends. Like I

340
00:25:07.160 --> 00:25:12.480
like the idea of being together for
the conversation and making it clear that you're

341
00:25:12.519 --> 00:25:17.240
not going anywhere either way, because
I think that there could be some built

342
00:25:17.240 --> 00:25:21.400
in aftercare for both of you and
something like that that maybe wouldn't be there.

343
00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:26.759
I kind of do agree in kind
of like where the maybe explicit nature

344
00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:30.480
of a conversation needs to be had, of like I would like to go

345
00:25:30.519 --> 00:25:33.839
on a date with you rather than
like because if you hang out all the

346
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:37.160
time, it's like and a lot
of us flit with our friends all the

347
00:25:37.200 --> 00:25:40.119
time. I know, I know
you know, you know it too well.

348
00:25:41.240 --> 00:25:45.559
Well, I want this person to
update us, please dear they do

349
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:52.440
ask out their friend, please tell
us. I want the tea and ful

350
00:25:52.880 --> 00:25:55.240
I'm gonna ask all my friends,
how would you want me to ask you

351
00:25:55.279 --> 00:25:56.440
out? If I asked you out? And then I will purport back,

352
00:25:56.799 --> 00:26:00.480
I will poor back in the safe
word stories. Yeah, and I'll say

353
00:26:00.519 --> 00:26:03.440
I wouldn't want you to ask me
out. So one of my friends did

354
00:26:03.480 --> 00:26:07.559
ask me out one time. Actually
yeah, he was like we were at

355
00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:11.920
dinner once and we were hanging out, and then like the next day or

356
00:26:11.960 --> 00:26:14.400
two he texted me and was like, hey, like, so some of

357
00:26:14.640 --> 00:26:17.400
the things that you said, Like, I was wondering if this is like

358
00:26:17.440 --> 00:26:18.200
something that you would want to do, because I joked, and I was

359
00:26:18.240 --> 00:26:23.680
like, because we were both resonating
on like our dating struggles and being like

360
00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:27.839
really intense, like passionate people who've
fallen in love and whatever, and I

361
00:26:27.920 --> 00:26:30.799
was like, ah, we should
just date something like that, you know.

362
00:26:32.680 --> 00:26:34.319
And then he was just like,
you know, he was very straight

363
00:26:34.400 --> 00:26:37.920
up, and he was like,
either way is fine, but I'm just

364
00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:41.359
like wondering if that's something that you
were serious no matter if he wanted to

365
00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:45.680
like look into more. And and
I was like, oh gosh, because

366
00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:48.119
you were kidding. You were not
interested? No, no, no,

367
00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:52.079
I was not interested. But I
really appreciated that and like and then he

368
00:26:52.160 --> 00:26:56.279
was like, cool, I'm grown. That's fine. We moved on,

369
00:26:56.400 --> 00:26:59.839
and I was like, dope,
can I tell one more story because I

370
00:27:00.240 --> 00:27:03.000
I've actually asked out a friend before
she was out on a date with somebody

371
00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:07.440
else, and I just texted her
I feel a little bit jealous, and

372
00:27:07.799 --> 00:27:14.119
that was my way in, and
it was like, I'm just sharing my

373
00:27:14.200 --> 00:27:18.559
feeling. You can decide for yourself
if you want to interpret it as like

374
00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:21.759
I'm jealous you're on a date or
I'm jealous someone's on a date with you.

375
00:27:21.839 --> 00:27:26.559
But she like went right with it
and we dated. So oh there

376
00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:30.960
it is, look at you initiating. Yeah yeah, in my own special

377
00:27:30.000 --> 00:27:41.720
way, I love it. This
week's safe Word is Pineapple from at tc

378
00:27:41.359 --> 00:27:48.160
r n K, so I like
all them consonants in your Instagram name.

379
00:27:48.839 --> 00:27:52.720
Safe Word is hosted by Casey Tanner
and Kam Lewis and is produced by coordinator

380
00:27:52.799 --> 00:27:56.640
et Townsend. Our theme song is
written and performed by Emma Jane and Tory

381
00:27:56.759 --> 00:28:00.000
Rainey. To support the show,
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382
00:28:00.039 --> 00:28:03.480
moment right now to give us five
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383
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Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to
podcasts this summer. You can still submit

384
00:28:08.440 --> 00:28:12.000
questions. To submit long form questions
in writing or in your own voice,

385
00:28:12.279 --> 00:28:17.119
go to the Safe Word pod or
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386
00:28:17.119 --> 00:28:21.000
our link tree in the bio to
write out longer questions. If anything today

387
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made you curious about seeking support,
the Expansive Group has a great team of

388
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therapists and mentors to discuss challenges you
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