This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I AM six forty,
the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty.
You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy wall
Show. Stop watching Apaheimer you guys. We will give you the latest.
Okay, what's happening. That's sweet? You know, Kaylie, you're gonna
be watching right in case we missed anything in the Academy Awards. Oh yes,
the Oscars. Honey, it's a holiday. There's a couple left.
I know. There was like no traffic today, there was no people.
Everyone's tucked away in their parties already early. It was great coming to work.
It's been lovely. And Robert Downey Junior apparently won something very deserving,
so here for I was very very beautiful for him. So, if you're
new to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm obsessed
with the science of love. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor.
As I like to say, I like to teach future therapists. I
teach a cal State Channel Islands. But I've written three books on relationships because
I am obsessed with the biological, the psychological, the sociological pieces of love,
and in particular, I am fascinated with evolutionary psychology. And I want
to talk about Biden's State of the Union because it was so anthropologically correct in
the way that what he was doing is courting voters like a peacock would perform
for a woman. Did you know, Kayla, that a peacock is not
the name of the bird. What is it? That's that's like the male
it's a p hen p hen and a peacock. It's a p ah because
the men have That's where the whole word that we used to describe male appendage
as humans, that's where's from. Wow, Because you see, Darwin looked
at that bird and was very very confused because he believed in survival of the
fittest, So anything that evolved on our bodies or behavior was designed to bring
us food or protects us from predators. But the peacock had this giant tail,
the male pea, and it was so huge that it was more than
one third of its body weight. So for survival, it had to get
so many calories just to maintain that beautiful tail. Also, it was made
him very vulnerable to predators. So Darwin was very confused by this until he
realized that that tale really turned chicks on. Literally, p hens love them,
and the pea hens would mate with the beautiful tails and guys with beautiful
tails, and then they their sons would have beautiful tails, and their sons
would have beautiful tales, and so on and so on and so on,
and that's why today we have a peacock with an exaggerated tail, and the
pea hens look so silly, small and brown. But anyway, so that's
what Biden was doing. He was like a male peacock. And let me
tell you how humans compete with other humans to acquire mates. First of all,
they put down their rivals, right, especially with males. They're male
to male putdowns. That's why when you look at men like women no matter
what. We create a village because historically we always needed childcare, so we
wanted all the women to be friends with us. So we make this little
village and we say things to women that we barely know. No, no,
you don't look fat in those jeans at all. You look totally cute.
No, I think you should wear it, you look great. But
then you see guys they barely know each other, and they're doing these little
digs all the time because they're constantly competing on this little ladder to see who's
the alpha and who's not. Well. I think Biden did that a little
bit with Trump. He assailed his competition by doing what many men do,
giving them a derogatory nickname instead of calling them by their name. So he
only referred to him as my predecessor, right, like something the king before.
It's old news, ignore him exactly. The other thing men do when
they're competing for mates is they do public displays of prowess. Well, he
might not have actually had a peacock's tail, but men will fight with other
men to show strength. They actually have done research on dating apps. And
when men mention any kind of military service or police service, they get far
morsewipe rights. The women love those fighter guys. Right. Who did he
fight with at the State of the Union, Marjorie Taylor Green? Right,
he did a little sparring, little public sparring. He also did what a
lot of men do to attract mates. He showcased resources. Yeah, he
didn't do a Lambeau or display monetary waste. Instead, he bragged about the
economy. He said, I inherited economy that was on the brink. Now
our economy is the envy of the world. Right, I got the money,
Show me the money, it's here. Right. He also another thing
that men do to try to impress women is he tried to act as a
protector of women. He devoted a lot of time talking about the abolition of
Roe v. Wade, and he predicted that quote the power of women would
show itself in twenty twenty four. In other words, I'll protect you girls.
We're going to fix that problem for you. He also played the older
wiser card. You know, there's research to show that no matter how many
years of education a woman makes, no matter how much money she makes,
she still prefers a mate that's a little older, a little wiser than her.
And what a Biden say. I know I may not look like it,
but I've been around a while. Right, he's openly playing with it.
Oh, and can we talk about Katie Britt. I know everyone's been
talking about her, so I just went to her website, so I want
to know what she says about herself. Right, She's a proud champion from
her website of hardworking Families. As a United States Senator for the great state
of Alabama. She's a practicing attorney by trade. We didn't hear that at
her kitchen table. We just saw mom, But apparently she's an attorney.
Went to University of Alabama and the University of Alabama School of Law. She's
a Christian. We knew that because she wore the jewelry. She's a wife,
mother, faith, family, all that stuff, and so you know,
it only took Scarlett Johanson one day to emulate her and listen to her
spoof from Saturday Night Live, Pity Name America. My name is Katie Britt,
and I have the honor of serving the great people of Alabama. But
tonight I'll be auditioning for the part of Scary Mom, and I'll be performing
an original monologue called this Country is Hell. You see, I'm not just
a senator. I'm a wife, a mother, and the craziest bitch in
the target parking lot. I agreed about the future. I'm not quite sure
what Katie Britt. That was Scarlett Johansson, by the way, the actress,
I don't know what Katie britt was trying to achieve. Is she trying
to reach out to women who maybe feel left behind by feminism, because from
my understanding, is a feminist that it's all about allowing women to make a
choice, a choice to be a full time mother and homemaker if you want.
It's all about choice and supporting mothers who also may want to work,
like getting free childcare or good breastfeeding laws, et cetera. So I'm really
confused about this turnback of the clock into the fifties and putting her into the
kitchen. Anyway, when we come back, let us talk about new research
that talks about the reasons the most common reasons by American couples divorce. And
by the way, divorce is not always a bad thing. I'll explain when
we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. KFI six forty, We've got
doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show, Love
and Marriage. You know things have been changing nothing's really changed by the way
in the way humans behave across history. What's changed is our acceptance and awareness
of the variability varietability. Did I say that right of how people date,
mate and relate. Remember a couple of weeks ago I had was it last
week the author Christopher Ryan of Sex at Dawn, who really believes that we
are closer to Bonobo's than we are chimpanzees, and that most humans are not
so aggressive, and in fact we do make love, not war. And
we're also probably not all monogamous. Now, we might be monogamous at different
stages of our life for very good reason, but we are definitely socially monogamous,
meaning that the world is socially organized around couplehood. So I have always
said that because of our very long life spans, when till death do us
part was invented way back when death was pretty imminent, and now we shouldn't
be surprised that a relationship doesn't last twenty thirty, forty fifty sixty years because
we are outliving the purpose the contracts of our specific relationships. And that's why
I take great exception to the words failed marriage drives me crazy when people say
that, well that marriage was a failure. Well, my first marriage failed.
So your only definition of a successful marriage is one that lasts for a
long time, So duration is the only litmus test. It could have been
a terrible relationship, could have involved emotional abuse, domestic violence, intimidation,
no intimacy, no sex, and it could have lasted all those decades and
you would call it successful. So you're getting my point. Divorce for many
people is inevitable. Now, not right away, okay. I mean,
if you got married in the year nineteen hundred and professed we will stay together
until death do us part, the average length of that marriage was twelve years
because people were dying so young. If you got married in nineteen ninety and
professed will be together until death do us part, the average length of that
marriage was twelve years. Right, So, but now divorce not death,
all right. Forbes did a survey. Now, whenever I quote research,
I try to be honest about the sources, where it came from, how
they collected an Internet survey, so people answer whatever they want. And only
a thousand Americans. I know that's a big number to you, but to
generalize across the whole population, one thousand. M I'm okay with that,
right. So they surveyed a thousand Americans who are divorced or who are in
the process of divorcing. And this is Forbes language again, bothers me.
We try to discover why marriages fail. No, why marriages end, Why
marriages culminate, Why marriages come to a conclusion, Why marriages finally reach the
precipice and decide it's downhill from here. Okay, stop using the word fail
drives me crazy, all right. Based on their data, here are some
of the reasons that marriages are most likely to end. Okay. Oh,
first of all, let me just say some things. They also learned that,
despite what you think about conscious uncoupling, it's a lovely trend taking the
time with a therapist unconscious because the two of you have agreed that it's time
to end. The majority of divorces are initiated by only one person. One
person has made the decision to divorce. The other person has to get with
the program, and they're not happy about that. Usually. Right now,
when do divorces most often happen? Oh somewhere between three and seven year mark.
Now, again, this is not every single American in America? Who's
ever divorced? This is survey of a thousand so and who knows where they
were from? Okay, between three and seven years. That's seven year itch.
It's a thing people get bored, right, But if you get through
those ten years, only four percent of divorces happen after that ten year mark.
Pretty much everybody knows somebody who's been divorced. Divorced, by the way,
is highly contagious among social circles, really contagious. In fact, you
might not even know the divorce and couple. They're friends of friends of friends
of friends. It could be like six degrees of separation, and you will
unconsciously learn it's accepted in your social circle. That's why it's contagious. Okay.
The number one reason the People's site is lack of compatibility. I'm sorry,
that says nothing. There's no information in that for me. So let's
dig a little deeper and find out what some of the other questions were.
All right, As it turns out, the biggest common cause of divorce in
America, according to a thousand people they interviewed, career choices. Fascinating.
So if one spouse is gone all the time, maybe they're in the military
or whatever, or they're overworking too much, they're neglecting the family, or
they take a job in another city and it's separating so career and that's,
if you think of it, human nature, the decision between survival, getting
food, getting some money that leads to bread on the table. Okay,
So the number two reason is parenting differences. Oh, I believe this one.
When my kids were in preschool, the amount of divorces that were flying
around that preschool classroom, I could not believe the breakups because it is during
that time where you've got small kids in the family and it is very,
very difficult get along because you're both projecting on that tiny, little, often
pre verbal infant what your infant experience was, and you're angry with your spouse
like you are angry as a child at your mother or father. It's all
unconscious, you're not even aware that you're doing it. But parents stand over
the cradle and argue for hour. They're hot, they're cool, pick them
up, don't pick them up. They need this, they need that,
and they just fight over parenting different You're being too easy on them. You
need to be stricter. I need more discipline. You're being too mean.
I think that's abuse. Right. As the parents do, it'll come to
the table being a unified union. Right. Another big reason for divorce,
I get this one division of household labor. Of course, women are sick
and tired, especially if they're working full time. If they have to come
home and clean a kitchen and make a bed and put on a meal,
and there's been somebody else home earlier who hasn't done it. We don't like
that anymore. And now we have a paycheck and we can leave. And
finally, lack of family support. You know, I used to host a
show for Investigation Discovery called Happily Never After about brides and grooms who murdered each
other. He was usually the grooms. We had to look far and wide
for crazy brides who murdered their grooms. And almost one hundred percent of the
time, the extended family either didn't know about the marriage because they eloped,
or they didn't support it. You know, a relationship is a bridge between
tribes. You got to introduce those tribes at Christmas time. My sweet Julio
drove all the way from Boston to Ottawa. Yeah, you can map that
on ways and see what that was about with his brother, so they could
have dinner with my family and get to know the tribe because we're getting married
next summer. That's what you do, right. When people say it's an
affair, I want to remind them that an affair is usually a symptom of
a problem. It's not the problem. And I think divorce can be prevented
by examining what a marriage really should look like before you get into it.
So what I want to talk about next, it's very dear to my heart.
In fact, I tried it out on Julio this morning. Ten questions
to ask each other before getting married. If you're thinking about getting married,
or you have a son or daughter thinking about getting married, you want to
listen up after this. Ten questions you need to ask each other before getting
married. You were listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six
forty. We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Kayla, you got the music
for me? I must say that was Mondo. Mondo gave me one because
I was oh, he was doing the music he did the music today very
nice. I need it favors. So you know, Julio are not Julio
and I are not going to a chapel. I was raised Catholic. I
don't think the Catholic church would take me back. I really don't. Laugh
of the amount of partners you said you had, doctor Wendy slept with one
hundreds of I don't know kick you stopped County at a certain point. I
know you did, but you know what, I'm too old to have a
reputation, so it doesn't matter at this point. But we are going to
get married next summer. And I decided to test him because I found this
very interesting survey ten questions to ask each other before getting married. And you
know what's interesting. The first question on the list is the one that it
seems like many many people keep asking him and keep asking me. You know,
the question is, Kayla, have you even had this question thinking about
us? I don't know why why are you getting married? So people say
why are you getting married? Well, I know the doctor Wendy when Jolio
is here, and the doctor Wendy win Hoolio's out of town, so I
have no question asked why you guys are getting married, how would you describe
that? Your battery is fully charged? You are happy, you are bubbly,
you are just on top of the world. When Jolio's in town,
and when he's not, I feel like a part of you is missing.
Oh that's so sweet. I'll tell you the reason. I mean, there's
no reason financially right. If you think about why you get married as a
young person in your twenties, there's lots of legal protections if you're raising kids,
if one person makes more money than the other, all that kind of
stuff. But we're peers. We're financial peers. Any assets we might have
we'd go to our adult children, So there's no financial reason. In fact,
we'll clearly have a pre nup that says my stuff's mind, his stuff's
his, doesn't matter. You know, we'll split the household bills like roommates.
Do you know that kind of thing based on I love Susie Orman,
and she always says base, you're splitting up of the household expenses on the
percentage of who makes what, So if somebody makes more, they pay a
little more, et cetera. But here's why we're getting married. I was
a single mother. For I'll tell you my side. I was a single
mother for eighteen years. I dated a little bit here and there in romantic
compartments. Didn't like to expose my kids to a bad romantic choice that I
might make. I read some statistics that were so disturbing to me that one
of the most unsafe places for a child to live in in America is in
a home with a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend, stepfather, stepbrother.
Apparently eight times the rate of abuse, whether it's emotional, physical, or
sexual. Right, So, I was too unsure of my skills that I
was not going to be able to choose a good person. Ironically, you
know, I met Julio way later. Had I met him earlier, he
probably would have been a great step dad. Now all the kids are grown,
there's no blended family happening, right, it's all done. It's a
happy, you know, eventually retirement relationship. But for me, after sacrificing
for those eighteen years being the mother, the father, the driver, the
caregiver, the provider, everything, it's just so nice to only have half
a brain working because he does the other half of everything. Like, for
instance, I don't think I'd sat in the passenger seat of my car in
a decade, and to be able to sit there and be driven around is
amazing to have somebody. We're a very good match in our household stuff.
I like to cook, he likes to do the dishes. I mean we
literally will sit there after dinner, me chatting to him, sipping my wine.
Well, he's cleaning up after it, cleaning those pots and pants.
And I don't feel guilty, okay, because I have a true partner.
But the main thing is, you know, there are two times in your
life if a relationship is an exchange of care, and that care, of
course can take many many forms, but if it is an exchange of care,
there are two times in our lives when we really need that care.
One is when we're raising a family, when we're young, and the other
is, you know, at the near the ends of our lives, not
that we're near the end, but you're middle, but where our bodies start
to decline and we need to give each other instrumental care, physical care.
So my answer when we asked each other, why do you want to get
married? Is I want to, you know, make a public statement that
we are together forever. And that I know that we'll be together forever.
And the other thing is we're young and healthy enough. That is great to
be able to plan a big party. You know, all our friends are
coming and it's a big deal. So that's fun to put. I mean,
we never turned down an excuse for a party. He wants the sense
of commitment. He's a bit of a traditionalist. All right. Here's another
question you should ask yourself before you get married. What parts of your parents'
marriage do you want to emulate and what parts of your parents' marriage do you
not want to have happen at all. So the first one for me would
be, you know how helpful my dad was around the house and everything.
I like that, and Julio definitely represents that. I think what I don't
want is the fact that my dad was in the navy and gone a good
fifty percent of the time. I want a partner who's going to be there.
Another question is what kind of wedding do you really want? I was
so scared to ask Julio this question because you know, I've become bridezilla in
the last couple months. It doesn't matter how old you are, you become
bridezilla When you start getting into the flowers, the dresses, the table decorations,
the budget, it gets wild. He said that he would probably do
it a lot smaller. Anyway, he's doing a bigger one for me.
Other questions, what are the rules and boundaries around extended family? So do
mother in laws get to just come and stay for two months? Do adult
kids get to move in and out of the house? What are all the
rules going to be for all the other people? Where are you going to
go on the holidays? These are important questions to ask, as are things
like what are non negotiables in your marriage? Oh? Oh, and here's
a big one. Do not forget this one. What constitutes cheating? Some
people feel if a man looks at porn it's cheating. I don't feel that.
Or maybe he's just swiping through ig and he's got a lot of Instagram
models on his feed. Okay, so that's not cheating. But what if
he's dming with some of them? What if he's saying things bleeding into emotional
cheating? Right? If you've chosen chosen non monogamy and your relationship, what
are the rules? You gotta have rules and boundaries. Figure out what they're
gonna be how will you deal with your finances? And the biggest one,
what's your plan when boredom hits? Because it's going to get boring at a
certain point. You got to find a way to add novelty, all right.
For those who have not yet found their mate, not yet walked towards
the aisle or become bridezilla, let's talk about falling in love and why I
think it's better to walk into love and not allow yourself to fall into it.
Let's talk about intentional dating. When we return, we're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio an you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show. I know people love love, They love
the feeling of love. You know, love is the best drug we have.
They've done research where they put people in MRI machines and they get them
to they say they're deeply in love, and they get them to look at
pictures of their lovers and they see which parts of their brains light up and
guess what they find out. It's the same areas of the brain like a
drug. Addiction feels good. We love love, But here's the problem.
They've also done research on people newly in love, and they've discovered that their
skills of discernment are reduced. In other words, they think the person's perfect
when they're not. And that's why there's sometimes a danger in meeting somebody and
getting alone in a cocoon, in a bubble without having the opinions of your
friends and family there because you need them. I like to think that you
can get the benefits of the drug love when you make a choice to walk
into love instead of allowing yourself to fall in love. I hear people say
things like, ah, I don't know why I had that affair. It
just happened. Just happened. You know what. You had to get a
phone number, you had detect somebody, you had to book a hotel room,
you had to drive there. It didn't just happen. Okay, But
that's what that drug will do, that drug of love and attraction. But
if you're looking for a long term, committed relationship, you need to understand
that the effects of that drug don't last that long, and before you know
it, you're looking at the practicality of love. I jokingly used to say,
but not really that. At a certain point, if you're planning on
having a family with a man, you should check out his mother, because
when you're lying in bed with an episiotomy that's healing and two bleeding nipples and
a crying baby, her, she the mother in law, will be far
more important to you than him. It's about a bridge between tribes, and
there's practical things that happen. We wish that this lust and love that we
would fall into would also be the thing that sustains us during the hardships of
a long life together. Right. You know, Julio used to criticize me
when we first met because he loves love and he's a romantic and he'd try
to do all those romantic things and I kind of roll my eyes a bit,
like I'm not going to fall for that. I am checking you out
right, And he said, you're like a CEO, you're not really romantic.
But when I finally allowed myself to intentionally walk into love instead of fall
into it, I got the same feeling of the drug as anybody else,
but I had made a choice to let it happen. Right. So what
really is intentional dating? It's being really honest with yourself and the other people
that you're dating, that you're looking for a committed relationship. Do you know
there's lots of young people out there who thinks that it's shameful to want a
committed relationship. Shameful, I'm sorry. Humans are wired to bond. We
do best when we're with each other. And the other thing that makes dating
intentional is when you really think about what you want instead of how you should
behave to appeal to somebody else. If what you're doing for your dates is
m I'm gonna address like this because they'll like that. I'm going to talk
about these things because they'll like that. That's not intentional love. How about
I'm going to ask these questions to find out if they're a good match for
me. What intentional dating is is prioritizing quality over quantity. Please, if
you're on dating apps, it's not about a bunch of swipes and likes and
messages in your box. It's about finding one person and actually connecting. Here's
a prickly thing. Intentional dating is also being really honest with yourself about your
status in the mating marketplace. There is somebody for everybody. It may not
be that person that's out of your league, and may be somebody who's comfortably
right in your league and that's best for you. Intentional dating is also considering
the consequences of sex. I do not believe, even if it's a hookup
or sports sex, that there is any such thing as no strings attached sex.
Two people are having an experience. It's an emotional experience, it's a
physiological experience. There's some little strings there, okay, But it's important that
you make a decision to love instead of being emotionally hijacked by love. I
like to think of the word love as a verb. It's an action word.
It is the verb to give, and you were going to give your
love once you'd gathered some information on whether that person is deserving of your love.
So how do you intentionally date? What are some of the things you
can do? First of all, ditch your fears of abandonment. If you're
more worried that somebody you're dating will go shoe or abandon you, then you're
you're dating at a disadvantage. You need to be more worried about whether they're
good enough for you, whether they're going to match for you, instead of
worrying about, well they won't like me if I say that. No,
be authentic, okay. Also, ditch the idea that physical attraction is the
most important thing you guys. Got to get over that hump. It is
a short term fleeting thing because before you know it, you're going to be
looking each other on your sick days with no makeup, laid up in bed,
look in your worse and physical attraction is not going to matter. Okay,
ditch it because you might find the most lovely heart tucked inside somebody who
might not have been your physical type. The other thing I say, and
people don't. Some people don't agree with this, but I totally agree with
it. I said it when I needed it, when I was looking for
it. Be very clear on the first date about what you're looking for.
Don't say things like, well, you know, I'm just looking for something
casual and you know if it happens, it happens. I want to see
what happens. No, Instead, you're going to say I'm kind of curious
to see where this goes. I mean, I definitely want a committed relationship
and we don't know each other well enough to say that this is going to
be it. But I'm not looking for a casual hookup. Say that from
the beginning if that's what you're looking for, have genuine conversations. Forget the
games. Just be completely upfront. And a big part of intentional dating is
setting boundaries. Okay, so let's say you made somebody you think they're absolutely
perfect. So you're like, I'm just going to make all the time in
the world for them because I think they're perfect. Well, they're not going
to think you're perfect if you're just too available and you drop everything for them.
Don't do booty calls. Don't cancel plans because you get a last minute
invitation from this date. Practice self care. If you have planned to take
a Friday night and go to a Korean spa and do nothing but hang out
in Koreatown, eat something and relax and somebody calls that you're really interested in
and said you want to catch a movie, say oh, I've planned for
self care, can we do it tomorrow night? You will be raised in
value in their eyes because people respect people who like themselves and care for themselves,
and also reframe and ghosting. Listen, when somebody ghosts you, hopefully
they don't ghost you. They'll say, you know, I don't think this
is working out or whatever. They disappear for whatever reason. I want you
to celebrate because guess what, they're an inappropriate mate and they left early.
The goal of catching a like minded mate is achieved by letting the wrong one
and swim away. Guess what, your time wasn't wasted because early on,
you guys figured it wasn't great. So somebody disappeared and you go, great,
I'm free. I can move on. People stay attached to bad relationships
because they're in love with hope. It's the craziest thing. And finally,
go slow. Did we not learn anything from Resa Tisa? Not her fault,
great woman, but it was COVID and they moved way too fast.
He moved in within a few weeks and then they were married within a few
months. Just slow down, let your brain process what you're seeing. All
right. When we come back, I am going to social media because you,
guys, I guess while you were watching the Academy Awards, you were
sending on me your DMS and you're at your Academy Award party now, so
I know you don't have the privacy to pick up the phone, so let
me go to social media and answer some of your relationship questions. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six point forty.
Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.
You can always hear us live on KFI A M six forty from seven
to nine p m on Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app.