WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.040 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I AM six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.560 the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. 3 00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:12.519 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy wall 4 00:00:12.679 --> 00:00:16.120 Show. Stop watching Apaheimer you guys. We will give you the latest. 5 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:19.640 Okay, what's happening. That's sweet? You know, Kaylie, you're gonna 6 00:00:19.640 --> 00:00:23.120 be watching right in case we missed anything in the Academy Awards. Oh yes, 7 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:25.719 the Oscars. Honey, it's a holiday. There's a couple left. 8 00:00:25.760 --> 00:00:29.320 I know. There was like no traffic today, there was no people. 9 00:00:29.320 --> 00:00:33.520 Everyone's tucked away in their parties already early. It was great coming to work. 10 00:00:33.560 --> 00:00:37.520 It's been lovely. And Robert Downey Junior apparently won something very deserving, 11 00:00:37.679 --> 00:00:41.799 so here for I was very very beautiful for him. So, if you're 12 00:00:41.840 --> 00:00:45.840 new to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm obsessed 13 00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:49.840 with the science of love. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. 14 00:00:50.200 --> 00:00:54.560 As I like to say, I like to teach future therapists. I 15 00:00:54.640 --> 00:00:59.159 teach a cal State Channel Islands. But I've written three books on relationships because 16 00:00:59.280 --> 00:01:03.959 I am obsessed with the biological, the psychological, the sociological pieces of love, 17 00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:11.159 and in particular, I am fascinated with evolutionary psychology. And I want 18 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:19.560 to talk about Biden's State of the Union because it was so anthropologically correct in 19 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:27.519 the way that what he was doing is courting voters like a peacock would perform 20 00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:30.640 for a woman. Did you know, Kayla, that a peacock is not 21 00:01:30.799 --> 00:01:34.439 the name of the bird. What is it? That's that's like the male 22 00:01:34.959 --> 00:01:40.079 it's a p hen p hen and a peacock. It's a p ah because 23 00:01:40.200 --> 00:01:45.920 the men have That's where the whole word that we used to describe male appendage 24 00:01:45.959 --> 00:01:49.920 as humans, that's where's from. Wow, Because you see, Darwin looked 25 00:01:49.920 --> 00:01:55.879 at that bird and was very very confused because he believed in survival of the 26 00:01:55.879 --> 00:02:00.599 fittest, So anything that evolved on our bodies or behavior was designed to bring 27 00:02:00.680 --> 00:02:05.239 us food or protects us from predators. But the peacock had this giant tail, 28 00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:08.680 the male pea, and it was so huge that it was more than 29 00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:12.639 one third of its body weight. So for survival, it had to get 30 00:02:12.680 --> 00:02:19.439 so many calories just to maintain that beautiful tail. Also, it was made 31 00:02:19.479 --> 00:02:24.039 him very vulnerable to predators. So Darwin was very confused by this until he 32 00:02:24.080 --> 00:02:31.000 realized that that tale really turned chicks on. Literally, p hens love them, 33 00:02:31.520 --> 00:02:36.759 and the pea hens would mate with the beautiful tails and guys with beautiful 34 00:02:36.759 --> 00:02:39.759 tails, and then they their sons would have beautiful tails, and their sons 35 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:43.360 would have beautiful tales, and so on and so on and so on, 36 00:02:43.599 --> 00:02:47.560 and that's why today we have a peacock with an exaggerated tail, and the 37 00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:53.520 pea hens look so silly, small and brown. But anyway, so that's 38 00:02:53.560 --> 00:02:57.360 what Biden was doing. He was like a male peacock. And let me 39 00:02:57.400 --> 00:03:04.879 tell you how humans compete with other humans to acquire mates. First of all, 40 00:03:04.919 --> 00:03:07.639 they put down their rivals, right, especially with males. They're male 41 00:03:07.759 --> 00:03:12.400 to male putdowns. That's why when you look at men like women no matter 42 00:03:12.400 --> 00:03:15.840 what. We create a village because historically we always needed childcare, so we 43 00:03:15.879 --> 00:03:17.840 wanted all the women to be friends with us. So we make this little 44 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:21.520 village and we say things to women that we barely know. No, no, 45 00:03:21.840 --> 00:03:23.599 you don't look fat in those jeans at all. You look totally cute. 46 00:03:23.960 --> 00:03:27.080 No, I think you should wear it, you look great. But 47 00:03:27.199 --> 00:03:30.639 then you see guys they barely know each other, and they're doing these little 48 00:03:30.680 --> 00:03:36.879 digs all the time because they're constantly competing on this little ladder to see who's 49 00:03:36.879 --> 00:03:39.719 the alpha and who's not. Well. I think Biden did that a little 50 00:03:39.759 --> 00:03:46.560 bit with Trump. He assailed his competition by doing what many men do, 51 00:03:46.039 --> 00:03:51.159 giving them a derogatory nickname instead of calling them by their name. So he 52 00:03:51.280 --> 00:03:54.719 only referred to him as my predecessor, right, like something the king before. 53 00:03:55.280 --> 00:04:00.120 It's old news, ignore him exactly. The other thing men do when 54 00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:03.800 they're competing for mates is they do public displays of prowess. Well, he 55 00:04:03.879 --> 00:04:10.240 might not have actually had a peacock's tail, but men will fight with other 56 00:04:10.360 --> 00:04:15.960 men to show strength. They actually have done research on dating apps. And 57 00:04:15.000 --> 00:04:19.319 when men mention any kind of military service or police service, they get far 58 00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:24.279 morsewipe rights. The women love those fighter guys. Right. Who did he 59 00:04:24.319 --> 00:04:27.959 fight with at the State of the Union, Marjorie Taylor Green? Right, 60 00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:31.120 he did a little sparring, little public sparring. He also did what a 61 00:04:31.120 --> 00:04:35.040 lot of men do to attract mates. He showcased resources. Yeah, he 62 00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:41.480 didn't do a Lambeau or display monetary waste. Instead, he bragged about the 63 00:04:41.519 --> 00:04:45.240 economy. He said, I inherited economy that was on the brink. Now 64 00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:48.079 our economy is the envy of the world. Right, I got the money, 65 00:04:48.319 --> 00:04:54.000 Show me the money, it's here. Right. He also another thing 66 00:04:54.040 --> 00:04:58.720 that men do to try to impress women is he tried to act as a 67 00:04:58.759 --> 00:05:04.040 protector of women. He devoted a lot of time talking about the abolition of 68 00:05:04.120 --> 00:05:09.519 Roe v. Wade, and he predicted that quote the power of women would 69 00:05:09.519 --> 00:05:12.439 show itself in twenty twenty four. In other words, I'll protect you girls. 70 00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.439 We're going to fix that problem for you. He also played the older 71 00:05:15.439 --> 00:05:18.600 wiser card. You know, there's research to show that no matter how many 72 00:05:18.639 --> 00:05:21.879 years of education a woman makes, no matter how much money she makes, 73 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:26.720 she still prefers a mate that's a little older, a little wiser than her. 74 00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:30.160 And what a Biden say. I know I may not look like it, 75 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:32.560 but I've been around a while. Right, he's openly playing with it. 76 00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:39.120 Oh, and can we talk about Katie Britt. I know everyone's been 77 00:05:39.160 --> 00:05:42.439 talking about her, so I just went to her website, so I want 78 00:05:42.439 --> 00:05:46.160 to know what she says about herself. Right, She's a proud champion from 79 00:05:46.199 --> 00:05:48.920 her website of hardworking Families. As a United States Senator for the great state 80 00:05:48.959 --> 00:05:53.800 of Alabama. She's a practicing attorney by trade. We didn't hear that at 81 00:05:53.800 --> 00:05:58.040 her kitchen table. We just saw mom, But apparently she's an attorney. 82 00:05:58.680 --> 00:06:01.800 Went to University of Alabama and the University of Alabama School of Law. She's 83 00:06:01.800 --> 00:06:04.560 a Christian. We knew that because she wore the jewelry. She's a wife, 84 00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:10.319 mother, faith, family, all that stuff, and so you know, 85 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:15.600 it only took Scarlett Johanson one day to emulate her and listen to her 86 00:06:15.680 --> 00:06:26.360 spoof from Saturday Night Live, Pity Name America. My name is Katie Britt, 87 00:06:26.879 --> 00:06:33.040 and I have the honor of serving the great people of Alabama. But 88 00:06:33.199 --> 00:06:40.879 tonight I'll be auditioning for the part of Scary Mom, and I'll be performing 89 00:06:40.920 --> 00:06:46.480 an original monologue called this Country is Hell. You see, I'm not just 90 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:50.639 a senator. I'm a wife, a mother, and the craziest bitch in 91 00:06:50.680 --> 00:06:58.319 the target parking lot. I agreed about the future. I'm not quite sure 92 00:06:58.439 --> 00:07:00.959 what Katie Britt. That was Scarlett Johansson, by the way, the actress, 93 00:07:01.279 --> 00:07:03.560 I don't know what Katie britt was trying to achieve. Is she trying 94 00:07:03.560 --> 00:07:09.800 to reach out to women who maybe feel left behind by feminism, because from 95 00:07:09.839 --> 00:07:13.639 my understanding, is a feminist that it's all about allowing women to make a 96 00:07:13.720 --> 00:07:15.519 choice, a choice to be a full time mother and homemaker if you want. 97 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:19.639 It's all about choice and supporting mothers who also may want to work, 98 00:07:19.680 --> 00:07:24.560 like getting free childcare or good breastfeeding laws, et cetera. So I'm really 99 00:07:24.600 --> 00:07:28.199 confused about this turnback of the clock into the fifties and putting her into the 100 00:07:28.279 --> 00:07:31.839 kitchen. Anyway, when we come back, let us talk about new research 101 00:07:32.079 --> 00:07:39.879 that talks about the reasons the most common reasons by American couples divorce. And 102 00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:43.160 by the way, divorce is not always a bad thing. I'll explain when 103 00:07:43.160 --> 00:07:46.240 we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM 104 00:07:46.360 --> 00:07:51.040 six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy 105 00:07:51.079 --> 00:08:00.360 Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. KFI six forty, We've got 106 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:03.480 doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show, Love 107 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:09.160 and Marriage. You know things have been changing nothing's really changed by the way 108 00:08:09.399 --> 00:08:16.920 in the way humans behave across history. What's changed is our acceptance and awareness 109 00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:22.959 of the variability varietability. Did I say that right of how people date, 110 00:08:24.519 --> 00:08:28.360 mate and relate. Remember a couple of weeks ago I had was it last 111 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:35.960 week the author Christopher Ryan of Sex at Dawn, who really believes that we 112 00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:43.879 are closer to Bonobo's than we are chimpanzees, and that most humans are not 113 00:08:45.000 --> 00:08:48.879 so aggressive, and in fact we do make love, not war. And 114 00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:54.679 we're also probably not all monogamous. Now, we might be monogamous at different 115 00:08:54.679 --> 00:09:00.960 stages of our life for very good reason, but we are definitely socially monogamous, 116 00:09:01.879 --> 00:09:07.399 meaning that the world is socially organized around couplehood. So I have always 117 00:09:07.440 --> 00:09:13.360 said that because of our very long life spans, when till death do us 118 00:09:13.399 --> 00:09:18.519 part was invented way back when death was pretty imminent, and now we shouldn't 119 00:09:18.559 --> 00:09:28.000 be surprised that a relationship doesn't last twenty thirty, forty fifty sixty years because 120 00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:35.919 we are outliving the purpose the contracts of our specific relationships. And that's why 121 00:09:35.960 --> 00:09:41.879 I take great exception to the words failed marriage drives me crazy when people say 122 00:09:41.919 --> 00:09:46.039 that, well that marriage was a failure. Well, my first marriage failed. 123 00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:52.240 So your only definition of a successful marriage is one that lasts for a 124 00:09:52.279 --> 00:09:56.559 long time, So duration is the only litmus test. It could have been 125 00:09:56.559 --> 00:10:01.440 a terrible relationship, could have involved emotional abuse, domestic violence, intimidation, 126 00:10:03.360 --> 00:10:07.440 no intimacy, no sex, and it could have lasted all those decades and 127 00:10:07.480 --> 00:10:15.840 you would call it successful. So you're getting my point. Divorce for many 128 00:10:15.879 --> 00:10:20.440 people is inevitable. Now, not right away, okay. I mean, 129 00:10:20.480 --> 00:10:24.799 if you got married in the year nineteen hundred and professed we will stay together 130 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:28.519 until death do us part, the average length of that marriage was twelve years 131 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:33.039 because people were dying so young. If you got married in nineteen ninety and 132 00:10:33.080 --> 00:10:37.159 professed will be together until death do us part, the average length of that 133 00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:43.000 marriage was twelve years. Right, So, but now divorce not death, 134 00:10:43.879 --> 00:10:48.840 all right. Forbes did a survey. Now, whenever I quote research, 135 00:10:48.879 --> 00:10:52.799 I try to be honest about the sources, where it came from, how 136 00:10:52.799 --> 00:10:56.720 they collected an Internet survey, so people answer whatever they want. And only 137 00:10:56.759 --> 00:11:00.440 a thousand Americans. I know that's a big number to you, but to 138 00:11:00.559 --> 00:11:03.039 generalize across the whole population, one thousand. M I'm okay with that, 139 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:07.879 right. So they surveyed a thousand Americans who are divorced or who are in 140 00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:13.080 the process of divorcing. And this is Forbes language again, bothers me. 141 00:11:13.840 --> 00:11:20.279 We try to discover why marriages fail. No, why marriages end, Why 142 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:26.279 marriages culminate, Why marriages come to a conclusion, Why marriages finally reach the 143 00:11:26.279 --> 00:11:31.600 precipice and decide it's downhill from here. Okay, stop using the word fail 144 00:11:31.919 --> 00:11:35.279 drives me crazy, all right. Based on their data, here are some 145 00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:43.480 of the reasons that marriages are most likely to end. Okay. Oh, 146 00:11:43.559 --> 00:11:45.960 first of all, let me just say some things. They also learned that, 147 00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:50.639 despite what you think about conscious uncoupling, it's a lovely trend taking the 148 00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:54.480 time with a therapist unconscious because the two of you have agreed that it's time 149 00:11:54.519 --> 00:12:00.279 to end. The majority of divorces are initiated by only one person. One 150 00:12:00.279 --> 00:12:03.840 person has made the decision to divorce. The other person has to get with 151 00:12:03.879 --> 00:12:07.279 the program, and they're not happy about that. Usually. Right now, 152 00:12:07.399 --> 00:12:13.080 when do divorces most often happen? Oh somewhere between three and seven year mark. 153 00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:16.879 Now, again, this is not every single American in America? Who's 154 00:12:16.879 --> 00:12:18.840 ever divorced? This is survey of a thousand so and who knows where they 155 00:12:18.879 --> 00:12:22.720 were from? Okay, between three and seven years. That's seven year itch. 156 00:12:22.759 --> 00:12:26.679 It's a thing people get bored, right, But if you get through 157 00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:33.320 those ten years, only four percent of divorces happen after that ten year mark. 158 00:12:35.360 --> 00:12:37.440 Pretty much everybody knows somebody who's been divorced. Divorced, by the way, 159 00:12:37.559 --> 00:12:43.120 is highly contagious among social circles, really contagious. In fact, you 160 00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:46.159 might not even know the divorce and couple. They're friends of friends of friends 161 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:48.919 of friends. It could be like six degrees of separation, and you will 162 00:12:50.000 --> 00:12:54.120 unconsciously learn it's accepted in your social circle. That's why it's contagious. Okay. 163 00:12:54.120 --> 00:12:58.360 The number one reason the People's site is lack of compatibility. I'm sorry, 164 00:12:58.440 --> 00:13:03.679 that says nothing. There's no information in that for me. So let's 165 00:13:03.720 --> 00:13:05.399 dig a little deeper and find out what some of the other questions were. 166 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:09.759 All right, As it turns out, the biggest common cause of divorce in 167 00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:16.159 America, according to a thousand people they interviewed, career choices. Fascinating. 168 00:13:16.960 --> 00:13:20.840 So if one spouse is gone all the time, maybe they're in the military 169 00:13:20.919 --> 00:13:26.080 or whatever, or they're overworking too much, they're neglecting the family, or 170 00:13:26.120 --> 00:13:30.720 they take a job in another city and it's separating so career and that's, 171 00:13:30.759 --> 00:13:35.039 if you think of it, human nature, the decision between survival, getting 172 00:13:35.320 --> 00:13:37.840 food, getting some money that leads to bread on the table. Okay, 173 00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:43.240 So the number two reason is parenting differences. Oh, I believe this one. 174 00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:48.039 When my kids were in preschool, the amount of divorces that were flying 175 00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:54.399 around that preschool classroom, I could not believe the breakups because it is during 176 00:13:54.480 --> 00:13:58.159 that time where you've got small kids in the family and it is very, 177 00:13:58.279 --> 00:14:03.919 very difficult get along because you're both projecting on that tiny, little, often 178 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:09.960 pre verbal infant what your infant experience was, and you're angry with your spouse 179 00:14:11.039 --> 00:14:13.159 like you are angry as a child at your mother or father. It's all 180 00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:16.759 unconscious, you're not even aware that you're doing it. But parents stand over 181 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:20.320 the cradle and argue for hour. They're hot, they're cool, pick them 182 00:14:20.360 --> 00:14:22.440 up, don't pick them up. They need this, they need that, 183 00:14:22.519 --> 00:14:26.080 and they just fight over parenting different You're being too easy on them. You 184 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:30.159 need to be stricter. I need more discipline. You're being too mean. 185 00:14:30.679 --> 00:14:33.919 I think that's abuse. Right. As the parents do, it'll come to 186 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:39.600 the table being a unified union. Right. Another big reason for divorce, 187 00:14:39.759 --> 00:14:45.639 I get this one division of household labor. Of course, women are sick 188 00:14:45.720 --> 00:14:48.120 and tired, especially if they're working full time. If they have to come 189 00:14:48.159 --> 00:14:50.360 home and clean a kitchen and make a bed and put on a meal, 190 00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:56.919 and there's been somebody else home earlier who hasn't done it. We don't like 191 00:14:56.000 --> 00:15:00.320 that anymore. And now we have a paycheck and we can leave. And 192 00:15:00.360 --> 00:15:03.399 finally, lack of family support. You know, I used to host a 193 00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:09.440 show for Investigation Discovery called Happily Never After about brides and grooms who murdered each 194 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:13.000 other. He was usually the grooms. We had to look far and wide 195 00:15:13.039 --> 00:15:16.759 for crazy brides who murdered their grooms. And almost one hundred percent of the 196 00:15:16.759 --> 00:15:22.240 time, the extended family either didn't know about the marriage because they eloped, 197 00:15:22.600 --> 00:15:26.320 or they didn't support it. You know, a relationship is a bridge between 198 00:15:26.360 --> 00:15:31.240 tribes. You got to introduce those tribes at Christmas time. My sweet Julio 199 00:15:31.600 --> 00:15:35.080 drove all the way from Boston to Ottawa. Yeah, you can map that 200 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:37.480 on ways and see what that was about with his brother, so they could 201 00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:41.000 have dinner with my family and get to know the tribe because we're getting married 202 00:15:41.200 --> 00:15:46.799 next summer. That's what you do, right. When people say it's an 203 00:15:46.840 --> 00:15:50.840 affair, I want to remind them that an affair is usually a symptom of 204 00:15:50.879 --> 00:15:56.440 a problem. It's not the problem. And I think divorce can be prevented 205 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:03.679 by examining what a marriage really should look like before you get into it. 206 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:07.559 So what I want to talk about next, it's very dear to my heart. 207 00:16:07.720 --> 00:16:11.519 In fact, I tried it out on Julio this morning. Ten questions 208 00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:15.919 to ask each other before getting married. If you're thinking about getting married, 209 00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:18.000 or you have a son or daughter thinking about getting married, you want to 210 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:22.639 listen up after this. Ten questions you need to ask each other before getting 211 00:16:22.639 --> 00:16:26.360 married. You were listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six 212 00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:30.600 forty. We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy 213 00:16:30.679 --> 00:16:37.039 Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Kayla, you got the music 214 00:16:37.080 --> 00:16:40.799 for me? I must say that was Mondo. Mondo gave me one because 215 00:16:40.840 --> 00:16:42.720 I was oh, he was doing the music he did the music today very 216 00:16:42.759 --> 00:16:45.639 nice. I need it favors. So you know, Julio are not Julio 217 00:16:45.639 --> 00:16:49.320 and I are not going to a chapel. I was raised Catholic. I 218 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:55.279 don't think the Catholic church would take me back. I really don't. Laugh 219 00:16:55.360 --> 00:16:57.799 of the amount of partners you said you had, doctor Wendy slept with one 220 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:02.399 hundreds of I don't know kick you stopped County at a certain point. I 221 00:17:02.440 --> 00:17:04.039 know you did, but you know what, I'm too old to have a 222 00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:10.160 reputation, so it doesn't matter at this point. But we are going to 223 00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:14.359 get married next summer. And I decided to test him because I found this 224 00:17:14.480 --> 00:17:19.480 very interesting survey ten questions to ask each other before getting married. And you 225 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:23.680 know what's interesting. The first question on the list is the one that it 226 00:17:23.799 --> 00:17:30.720 seems like many many people keep asking him and keep asking me. You know, 227 00:17:30.799 --> 00:17:33.680 the question is, Kayla, have you even had this question thinking about 228 00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:37.119 us? I don't know why why are you getting married? So people say 229 00:17:37.160 --> 00:17:40.519 why are you getting married? Well, I know the doctor Wendy when Jolio 230 00:17:40.680 --> 00:17:42.599 is here, and the doctor Wendy win Hoolio's out of town, so I 231 00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:45.640 have no question asked why you guys are getting married, how would you describe 232 00:17:45.640 --> 00:17:49.640 that? Your battery is fully charged? You are happy, you are bubbly, 233 00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:52.039 you are just on top of the world. When Jolio's in town, 234 00:17:52.079 --> 00:17:55.319 and when he's not, I feel like a part of you is missing. 235 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:59.759 Oh that's so sweet. I'll tell you the reason. I mean, there's 236 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:03.519 no reason financially right. If you think about why you get married as a 237 00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:07.880 young person in your twenties, there's lots of legal protections if you're raising kids, 238 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:10.279 if one person makes more money than the other, all that kind of 239 00:18:10.279 --> 00:18:14.160 stuff. But we're peers. We're financial peers. Any assets we might have 240 00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:18.440 we'd go to our adult children, So there's no financial reason. In fact, 241 00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:21.559 we'll clearly have a pre nup that says my stuff's mind, his stuff's 242 00:18:21.599 --> 00:18:25.680 his, doesn't matter. You know, we'll split the household bills like roommates. 243 00:18:25.720 --> 00:18:29.759 Do you know that kind of thing based on I love Susie Orman, 244 00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:34.759 and she always says base, you're splitting up of the household expenses on the 245 00:18:34.799 --> 00:18:37.720 percentage of who makes what, So if somebody makes more, they pay a 246 00:18:37.759 --> 00:18:42.319 little more, et cetera. But here's why we're getting married. I was 247 00:18:42.359 --> 00:18:45.079 a single mother. For I'll tell you my side. I was a single 248 00:18:45.079 --> 00:18:48.920 mother for eighteen years. I dated a little bit here and there in romantic 249 00:18:48.920 --> 00:18:52.880 compartments. Didn't like to expose my kids to a bad romantic choice that I 250 00:18:52.960 --> 00:18:57.880 might make. I read some statistics that were so disturbing to me that one 251 00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:03.119 of the most unsafe places for a child to live in in America is in 252 00:19:03.359 --> 00:19:11.079 a home with a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend, stepfather, stepbrother. 253 00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:17.000 Apparently eight times the rate of abuse, whether it's emotional, physical, or 254 00:19:17.079 --> 00:19:22.640 sexual. Right, So, I was too unsure of my skills that I 255 00:19:22.759 --> 00:19:26.440 was not going to be able to choose a good person. Ironically, you 256 00:19:26.440 --> 00:19:29.440 know, I met Julio way later. Had I met him earlier, he 257 00:19:29.440 --> 00:19:30.759 probably would have been a great step dad. Now all the kids are grown, 258 00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:33.720 there's no blended family happening, right, it's all done. It's a 259 00:19:33.759 --> 00:19:40.920 happy, you know, eventually retirement relationship. But for me, after sacrificing 260 00:19:40.920 --> 00:19:44.720 for those eighteen years being the mother, the father, the driver, the 261 00:19:44.759 --> 00:19:51.160 caregiver, the provider, everything, it's just so nice to only have half 262 00:19:51.160 --> 00:19:53.839 a brain working because he does the other half of everything. Like, for 263 00:19:53.839 --> 00:19:59.480 instance, I don't think I'd sat in the passenger seat of my car in 264 00:19:59.519 --> 00:20:02.799 a decade, and to be able to sit there and be driven around is 265 00:20:02.920 --> 00:20:06.920 amazing to have somebody. We're a very good match in our household stuff. 266 00:20:06.920 --> 00:20:08.000 I like to cook, he likes to do the dishes. I mean we 267 00:20:08.079 --> 00:20:11.799 literally will sit there after dinner, me chatting to him, sipping my wine. 268 00:20:12.119 --> 00:20:15.839 Well, he's cleaning up after it, cleaning those pots and pants. 269 00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:18.160 And I don't feel guilty, okay, because I have a true partner. 270 00:20:18.559 --> 00:20:22.640 But the main thing is, you know, there are two times in your 271 00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:26.440 life if a relationship is an exchange of care, and that care, of 272 00:20:26.440 --> 00:20:29.839 course can take many many forms, but if it is an exchange of care, 273 00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:32.799 there are two times in our lives when we really need that care. 274 00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:37.160 One is when we're raising a family, when we're young, and the other 275 00:20:37.559 --> 00:20:40.400 is, you know, at the near the ends of our lives, not 276 00:20:40.440 --> 00:20:44.240 that we're near the end, but you're middle, but where our bodies start 277 00:20:44.279 --> 00:20:48.160 to decline and we need to give each other instrumental care, physical care. 278 00:20:49.000 --> 00:20:52.359 So my answer when we asked each other, why do you want to get 279 00:20:52.400 --> 00:20:57.640 married? Is I want to, you know, make a public statement that 280 00:20:57.680 --> 00:21:02.240 we are together forever. And that I know that we'll be together forever. 281 00:21:02.920 --> 00:21:04.960 And the other thing is we're young and healthy enough. That is great to 282 00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:07.799 be able to plan a big party. You know, all our friends are 283 00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:11.160 coming and it's a big deal. So that's fun to put. I mean, 284 00:21:11.160 --> 00:21:15.440 we never turned down an excuse for a party. He wants the sense 285 00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:18.559 of commitment. He's a bit of a traditionalist. All right. Here's another 286 00:21:18.640 --> 00:21:22.400 question you should ask yourself before you get married. What parts of your parents' 287 00:21:22.519 --> 00:21:26.400 marriage do you want to emulate and what parts of your parents' marriage do you 288 00:21:26.440 --> 00:21:30.160 not want to have happen at all. So the first one for me would 289 00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:33.519 be, you know how helpful my dad was around the house and everything. 290 00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:38.000 I like that, and Julio definitely represents that. I think what I don't 291 00:21:38.000 --> 00:21:41.799 want is the fact that my dad was in the navy and gone a good 292 00:21:41.799 --> 00:21:44.519 fifty percent of the time. I want a partner who's going to be there. 293 00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:48.400 Another question is what kind of wedding do you really want? I was 294 00:21:48.440 --> 00:21:51.319 so scared to ask Julio this question because you know, I've become bridezilla in 295 00:21:51.319 --> 00:21:52.559 the last couple months. It doesn't matter how old you are, you become 296 00:21:52.599 --> 00:21:56.759 bridezilla When you start getting into the flowers, the dresses, the table decorations, 297 00:21:56.960 --> 00:22:02.720 the budget, it gets wild. He said that he would probably do 298 00:22:02.759 --> 00:22:07.039 it a lot smaller. Anyway, he's doing a bigger one for me. 299 00:22:07.319 --> 00:22:14.319 Other questions, what are the rules and boundaries around extended family? So do 300 00:22:14.440 --> 00:22:17.880 mother in laws get to just come and stay for two months? Do adult 301 00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:19.400 kids get to move in and out of the house? What are all the 302 00:22:19.480 --> 00:22:22.400 rules going to be for all the other people? Where are you going to 303 00:22:22.480 --> 00:22:26.920 go on the holidays? These are important questions to ask, as are things 304 00:22:27.000 --> 00:22:32.519 like what are non negotiables in your marriage? Oh? Oh, and here's 305 00:22:32.519 --> 00:22:37.640 a big one. Do not forget this one. What constitutes cheating? Some 306 00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:40.519 people feel if a man looks at porn it's cheating. I don't feel that. 307 00:22:41.240 --> 00:22:44.079 Or maybe he's just swiping through ig and he's got a lot of Instagram 308 00:22:44.079 --> 00:22:48.519 models on his feed. Okay, so that's not cheating. But what if 309 00:22:48.519 --> 00:22:52.480 he's dming with some of them? What if he's saying things bleeding into emotional 310 00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:57.960 cheating? Right? If you've chosen chosen non monogamy and your relationship, what 311 00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:02.519 are the rules? You gotta have rules and boundaries. Figure out what they're 312 00:23:02.519 --> 00:23:07.599 gonna be how will you deal with your finances? And the biggest one, 313 00:23:07.519 --> 00:23:11.119 what's your plan when boredom hits? Because it's going to get boring at a 314 00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:17.079 certain point. You got to find a way to add novelty, all right. 315 00:23:18.079 --> 00:23:22.839 For those who have not yet found their mate, not yet walked towards 316 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:27.480 the aisle or become bridezilla, let's talk about falling in love and why I 317 00:23:27.640 --> 00:23:34.119 think it's better to walk into love and not allow yourself to fall into it. 318 00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:38.440 Let's talk about intentional dating. When we return, we're listening to the 319 00:23:38.440 --> 00:23:42.680 Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 320 00:23:42.720 --> 00:23:49.079 iHeartRadio an you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. 321 00:23:49.799 --> 00:23:53.440 KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This 322 00:23:53.759 --> 00:24:00.279 is the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show. I know people love love, They love 323 00:24:00.319 --> 00:24:03.680 the feeling of love. You know, love is the best drug we have. 324 00:24:04.480 --> 00:24:07.559 They've done research where they put people in MRI machines and they get them 325 00:24:07.559 --> 00:24:11.440 to they say they're deeply in love, and they get them to look at 326 00:24:11.480 --> 00:24:15.920 pictures of their lovers and they see which parts of their brains light up and 327 00:24:15.960 --> 00:24:19.200 guess what they find out. It's the same areas of the brain like a 328 00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:26.000 drug. Addiction feels good. We love love, But here's the problem. 329 00:24:26.599 --> 00:24:32.359 They've also done research on people newly in love, and they've discovered that their 330 00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:38.559 skills of discernment are reduced. In other words, they think the person's perfect 331 00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:42.839 when they're not. And that's why there's sometimes a danger in meeting somebody and 332 00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:47.519 getting alone in a cocoon, in a bubble without having the opinions of your 333 00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:53.400 friends and family there because you need them. I like to think that you 334 00:24:53.480 --> 00:25:00.079 can get the benefits of the drug love when you make a choice to walk 335 00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:07.839 into love instead of allowing yourself to fall in love. I hear people say 336 00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:11.319 things like, ah, I don't know why I had that affair. It 337 00:25:11.480 --> 00:25:15.480 just happened. Just happened. You know what. You had to get a 338 00:25:15.480 --> 00:25:18.880 phone number, you had detect somebody, you had to book a hotel room, 339 00:25:18.240 --> 00:25:22.839 you had to drive there. It didn't just happen. Okay, But 340 00:25:22.960 --> 00:25:27.680 that's what that drug will do, that drug of love and attraction. But 341 00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:33.160 if you're looking for a long term, committed relationship, you need to understand 342 00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:37.480 that the effects of that drug don't last that long, and before you know 343 00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:41.160 it, you're looking at the practicality of love. I jokingly used to say, 344 00:25:41.319 --> 00:25:45.519 but not really that. At a certain point, if you're planning on 345 00:25:45.559 --> 00:25:48.440 having a family with a man, you should check out his mother, because 346 00:25:48.440 --> 00:25:53.160 when you're lying in bed with an episiotomy that's healing and two bleeding nipples and 347 00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:56.839 a crying baby, her, she the mother in law, will be far 348 00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:02.319 more important to you than him. It's about a bridge between tribes, and 349 00:26:02.359 --> 00:26:07.319 there's practical things that happen. We wish that this lust and love that we 350 00:26:07.359 --> 00:26:14.880 would fall into would also be the thing that sustains us during the hardships of 351 00:26:14.920 --> 00:26:19.119 a long life together. Right. You know, Julio used to criticize me 352 00:26:19.200 --> 00:26:23.079 when we first met because he loves love and he's a romantic and he'd try 353 00:26:23.079 --> 00:26:26.759 to do all those romantic things and I kind of roll my eyes a bit, 354 00:26:26.079 --> 00:26:29.640 like I'm not going to fall for that. I am checking you out 355 00:26:30.039 --> 00:26:33.960 right, And he said, you're like a CEO, you're not really romantic. 356 00:26:34.759 --> 00:26:42.680 But when I finally allowed myself to intentionally walk into love instead of fall 357 00:26:42.839 --> 00:26:47.559 into it, I got the same feeling of the drug as anybody else, 358 00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:52.559 but I had made a choice to let it happen. Right. So what 359 00:26:52.720 --> 00:27:00.960 really is intentional dating? It's being really honest with yourself and the other people 360 00:27:00.960 --> 00:27:03.240 that you're dating, that you're looking for a committed relationship. Do you know 361 00:27:03.240 --> 00:27:08.119 there's lots of young people out there who thinks that it's shameful to want a 362 00:27:08.160 --> 00:27:15.759 committed relationship. Shameful, I'm sorry. Humans are wired to bond. We 363 00:27:15.799 --> 00:27:19.920 do best when we're with each other. And the other thing that makes dating 364 00:27:19.960 --> 00:27:27.440 intentional is when you really think about what you want instead of how you should 365 00:27:27.480 --> 00:27:32.960 behave to appeal to somebody else. If what you're doing for your dates is 366 00:27:33.079 --> 00:27:36.559 m I'm gonna address like this because they'll like that. I'm going to talk 367 00:27:36.559 --> 00:27:41.720 about these things because they'll like that. That's not intentional love. How about 368 00:27:41.720 --> 00:27:45.799 I'm going to ask these questions to find out if they're a good match for 369 00:27:45.880 --> 00:27:53.000 me. What intentional dating is is prioritizing quality over quantity. Please, if 370 00:27:53.039 --> 00:27:56.079 you're on dating apps, it's not about a bunch of swipes and likes and 371 00:27:56.160 --> 00:28:04.319 messages in your box. It's about finding one person and actually connecting. Here's 372 00:28:04.319 --> 00:28:11.559 a prickly thing. Intentional dating is also being really honest with yourself about your 373 00:28:11.599 --> 00:28:18.359 status in the mating marketplace. There is somebody for everybody. It may not 374 00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:22.279 be that person that's out of your league, and may be somebody who's comfortably 375 00:28:22.400 --> 00:28:27.960 right in your league and that's best for you. Intentional dating is also considering 376 00:28:29.000 --> 00:28:32.519 the consequences of sex. I do not believe, even if it's a hookup 377 00:28:32.559 --> 00:28:36.640 or sports sex, that there is any such thing as no strings attached sex. 378 00:28:37.359 --> 00:28:40.640 Two people are having an experience. It's an emotional experience, it's a 379 00:28:40.640 --> 00:28:45.359 physiological experience. There's some little strings there, okay, But it's important that 380 00:28:45.400 --> 00:28:52.359 you make a decision to love instead of being emotionally hijacked by love. I 381 00:28:52.440 --> 00:28:56.200 like to think of the word love as a verb. It's an action word. 382 00:28:56.680 --> 00:29:02.599 It is the verb to give, and you were going to give your 383 00:29:02.680 --> 00:29:07.319 love once you'd gathered some information on whether that person is deserving of your love. 384 00:29:08.880 --> 00:29:11.440 So how do you intentionally date? What are some of the things you 385 00:29:11.440 --> 00:29:15.680 can do? First of all, ditch your fears of abandonment. If you're 386 00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:19.599 more worried that somebody you're dating will go shoe or abandon you, then you're 387 00:29:19.640 --> 00:29:23.079 you're dating at a disadvantage. You need to be more worried about whether they're 388 00:29:23.119 --> 00:29:26.440 good enough for you, whether they're going to match for you, instead of 389 00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:29.599 worrying about, well they won't like me if I say that. No, 390 00:29:29.720 --> 00:29:36.319 be authentic, okay. Also, ditch the idea that physical attraction is the 391 00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:38.640 most important thing you guys. Got to get over that hump. It is 392 00:29:38.680 --> 00:29:42.400 a short term fleeting thing because before you know it, you're going to be 393 00:29:42.440 --> 00:29:47.599 looking each other on your sick days with no makeup, laid up in bed, 394 00:29:47.759 --> 00:29:51.519 look in your worse and physical attraction is not going to matter. Okay, 395 00:29:51.640 --> 00:29:56.319 ditch it because you might find the most lovely heart tucked inside somebody who 396 00:29:56.519 --> 00:30:02.079 might not have been your physical type. The other thing I say, and 397 00:30:02.240 --> 00:30:04.240 people don't. Some people don't agree with this, but I totally agree with 398 00:30:04.240 --> 00:30:07.480 it. I said it when I needed it, when I was looking for 399 00:30:07.559 --> 00:30:10.480 it. Be very clear on the first date about what you're looking for. 400 00:30:11.119 --> 00:30:15.079 Don't say things like, well, you know, I'm just looking for something 401 00:30:15.119 --> 00:30:17.880 casual and you know if it happens, it happens. I want to see 402 00:30:17.880 --> 00:30:22.400 what happens. No, Instead, you're going to say I'm kind of curious 403 00:30:22.440 --> 00:30:26.400 to see where this goes. I mean, I definitely want a committed relationship 404 00:30:26.440 --> 00:30:27.960 and we don't know each other well enough to say that this is going to 405 00:30:29.000 --> 00:30:33.200 be it. But I'm not looking for a casual hookup. Say that from 406 00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:40.960 the beginning if that's what you're looking for, have genuine conversations. Forget the 407 00:30:41.000 --> 00:30:48.200 games. Just be completely upfront. And a big part of intentional dating is 408 00:30:48.279 --> 00:30:52.720 setting boundaries. Okay, so let's say you made somebody you think they're absolutely 409 00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:53.519 perfect. So you're like, I'm just going to make all the time in 410 00:30:53.559 --> 00:30:56.839 the world for them because I think they're perfect. Well, they're not going 411 00:30:56.920 --> 00:31:00.119 to think you're perfect if you're just too available and you drop everything for them. 412 00:31:00.640 --> 00:31:04.759 Don't do booty calls. Don't cancel plans because you get a last minute 413 00:31:04.799 --> 00:31:11.000 invitation from this date. Practice self care. If you have planned to take 414 00:31:11.039 --> 00:31:15.200 a Friday night and go to a Korean spa and do nothing but hang out 415 00:31:15.240 --> 00:31:19.759 in Koreatown, eat something and relax and somebody calls that you're really interested in 416 00:31:19.839 --> 00:31:22.519 and said you want to catch a movie, say oh, I've planned for 417 00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:26.200 self care, can we do it tomorrow night? You will be raised in 418 00:31:26.319 --> 00:31:32.680 value in their eyes because people respect people who like themselves and care for themselves, 419 00:31:33.000 --> 00:31:41.000 and also reframe and ghosting. Listen, when somebody ghosts you, hopefully 420 00:31:41.000 --> 00:31:44.400 they don't ghost you. They'll say, you know, I don't think this 421 00:31:44.480 --> 00:31:48.640 is working out or whatever. They disappear for whatever reason. I want you 422 00:31:48.720 --> 00:31:52.640 to celebrate because guess what, they're an inappropriate mate and they left early. 423 00:31:53.799 --> 00:31:59.960 The goal of catching a like minded mate is achieved by letting the wrong one 424 00:32:00.000 --> 00:32:05.160 and swim away. Guess what, your time wasn't wasted because early on, 425 00:32:05.559 --> 00:32:08.119 you guys figured it wasn't great. So somebody disappeared and you go, great, 426 00:32:08.519 --> 00:32:13.920 I'm free. I can move on. People stay attached to bad relationships 427 00:32:13.920 --> 00:32:17.319 because they're in love with hope. It's the craziest thing. And finally, 428 00:32:17.359 --> 00:32:22.119 go slow. Did we not learn anything from Resa Tisa? Not her fault, 429 00:32:22.240 --> 00:32:24.960 great woman, but it was COVID and they moved way too fast. 430 00:32:25.559 --> 00:32:29.720 He moved in within a few weeks and then they were married within a few 431 00:32:29.720 --> 00:32:36.319 months. Just slow down, let your brain process what you're seeing. All 432 00:32:36.400 --> 00:32:38.039 right. When we come back, I am going to social media because you, 433 00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:40.799 guys, I guess while you were watching the Academy Awards, you were 434 00:32:40.839 --> 00:32:45.279 sending on me your DMS and you're at your Academy Award party now, so 435 00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:49.200 I know you don't have the privacy to pick up the phone, so let 436 00:32:49.200 --> 00:32:52.160 me go to social media and answer some of your relationship questions. You are 437 00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:55.960 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six point forty. 438 00:32:55.960 --> 00:33:01.839 Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 439 00:33:01.880 --> 00:33:05.920 You can always hear us live on KFI A M six forty from seven 440 00:33:05.960 --> 00:33:09.480 to nine p m on Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app.