Welcome to soft Core History. What is up? Welcome back to soft Core
History. I am your host for the week, Rob Fox. I am
joined as always by Jake Goldman and Dan Regester. I forget you have hair?
Mean he always wears a hat. Me. You're taking to him?
Rob? Oh, you are talking? He gives me ship for that constantly.
He has a great head of hair on. He does have good hair.
How am I like the least attractive person on the podcast? Now?
Rob's a hot? Dude? You're hot? Now, dude, I'm hot?
Or unemployed? I've been saying it forever. Oh, yeah, you're
unemployed. I don't think people know that. Oh I'm very unemployed. Yeah,
so please subscribe to our Patreon Patreon dot com slash software history. This
that's Jake's first job. Now, yeah, that's Jake's first job. Income.
This is podcast. My god, you're gonna hear more desperate Jake.
You're gonna hear probably an EDGI or Drake, which I like, I enjoy.
Yeah. Uh God. If anyone's ever listened to me throughout my entire
podcasting career, I've had like so many chops. I know it's insane.
You're getting too comfortable. You mean too. You can tell when you've been
at a job too long me personally, Yeah, your your attitude changes.
What is it? You're squishy? You do have like a Chandler being situation
too, where someone was like, what's Jake do for a living? I'm
like, I have no idea. There was There was literally a point where
I was doing Import Export, which was insane Costanza that was like Castando worked
for the Yankees. Bro. Yeah, but he also I thought was an
import export. I thought that was Chandler. I don't know know the whole
joke was. No one ever knew what Chandler. I thought the whole joke
was it was import export. Who knows, I don't know. I don't
I don't watch the show. I didn't watched enough either, but yeah,
Patreon dot com last off core three five dollars a month gets you two extra
episodes a week and then obviously an entire giant back catalog of content. So
that's all evergreen. So you know, five dollars gets you just like an
infinite content of fucking an intimate infinite and if you really want catalog of content,
that's what I say. Also like and leave a review on Apple.
That'd be sweet if you did that with plenty of content to stroke your dick
too. Oh yeah, really that's how we're selling it now. I mean,
attack all angles, baby, whatever we gotta do whatever market. Do
you think there's just one listener out there that's like, whatever it is,
our fucking dumb voices do the a SMR thing for them. Someone's at least
came to us, you think, so, Yeah, someone did tell it
just happening on in the back. Oh, it just popped on when they
were having sex, yeah, right, or masturbating like mid stroke. He
think he was having sex with his wife. He was like mid you know,
stroke, And all of a sudden it went from like I don't know,
let's just say I hope it was the Patreon edition and it was just
me or just hit it. He busted to the Slackerman. The Slackerman voice
came and he just immediately busted at or that'd be good that or Jimmy,
it's gotta be one of those one of the voices that Rob does. Yeah,
one of my many cartoonish I. I just want to be a voice
actor now. I think that's like my main goal. He should be.
I don't know why or not. We just bait you into doing them half
the time. I know it's just like yeah, but I mean the second
I learned how to animate, it'll be pretty useless because A I'll do it.
We should just make That's what I'm waiting for, when A I can
do when I can just be like, hey, I don't know, fucking
Alexa, make me this cartoon any of this, and then I can just
I'm completely done learning skill sets. I don't need it. Do you think
like AI voice actors and AI writers can like create enough of a buffer for
slurs to be reintroduced back into comedy slur for AI, Yeah, it depends
on whose voice it is. So you could probably get somebody from like you
get like John Wayne, and he would say a slur. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, it's okay if John Wayne, John Wayne would say all this,
and that's not one of my voices. I don't have. I don't
have Wayne in the cattle because, like you were just talking about this the
other day, like the Cartman thing where it's like Cartman's so bad and people
hate that people love him. Where we talking about that on air? I
can't remember? Yeah, yeah, how people people get annoyed at at like
raunchy jokes or like I guess, like mean spirited jokes like paging doctor uh
faggot from hangover Hangover. I mean that's what they say. Sorry, that's
what they say. And anyway, people are like dots funny. That's a
nobody said that back then though. Everybody everyone well. But the thing though,
is that people forgets like the character bad characters is a piece of ships,
giants, a piece with all the characters in all the sunny that's how
you get away with it character. But then people get angry because they're like,
but they're funny, and so people like them, and so people forget
that they're a piece of ship. Yeah, it's I mean, what are
you supposed to write an unwatchable character? Right? Right? You're gonna put
a character who sucks in there and make them uninteresting and lame. Those people
exist in real life though, like just total scumbags that you hang out with
because they're funny. There are there are scumbags, like total dirt bags I
met my life that you can give as friends you've had from like ten years
ago a pass because they've just they've been around. Yeah, you wouldn't bring
a kid around him, but like funny as ship. Yeah, I love
that. He's still good time. He's a party guy. Yeah, he's
definitely a party guy. He's like he's like twenty eight, fat and terrible
hair, but just can crush a Miller lit like with the best of them.
Doesn't have to be fat. He could just be a piece of shit
in shape as well. You could be in shape too. This are you
just saying you're a piece of shit friend? Though? No? Okay,
yeah that sounded like you're being defensive. You have to be fat fat,
he'd be like pretty hot. He could be like blonde and cute. I
don't want to reach the point where I've given up on my prospects of being
an okay human being. I think you're fine. Yeah, yeah, I
don't worry about I'm not punting on that yet. Yeah, good for you.
Give it eight years thirty eight a window, no like forty forty Yeah,
anyway, lets get into the day's episod. So, you know,
there's some days I like to like weave a narrative and tell a story,
you know, go through somebody's life or an event and be like, dude,
you know these look at all these threads that came together really weave a
web. I feel like I like to do that. Right, Today's not
one of those days. Today you're like, I don't want to work.
Well, last night I didn't. I had intended to work, But like
Jake, I too need money and need you to subscribe to the Patreon and
shit because if my fucking kid had to go to the er last night with
RSV, which I hate a billion times more than COVID, which kid Finn,
Finn had to go to the er or your guy? Is he okay?
Yeah, he's fine. He didn't stay, he didn't have to stay
the night like Rory did last year. So well, tougher stock Finn.
We've always said that, you know, it's the kid you'd pay least attention
to, so stronger, stronger, stronger. Yeah, he's like a rubar,
but he's almost being raised by wolves at this point. He does.
Yeah, well, our dogs Jack do a lot of Jack and Leo do
a lot out of it, and they they do, the three of them
fight over food. Yeah, because Rory's just like an attention how Yeah,
me and me and me and my wife feed Rory still as Finn sits in
the corner eat gnawing on chicken bones with he probably went to the hospital US
or with scurvy. Uh No, he gets plenty of vitamincy because we just
throw berries into the corner. Yeah, the dog corner where he is.
You just fill his dog bowl full of caprice son. Yeah, he loves
it. He's babies love caprice son. But yeah, so we got another
sweet er bill coming. I like, seriously, dude, I tweeted this
the other day, but it's like, it's like the holidays start to suck
ass when you have kids, just because it's the season that everyone has a
thousand fucking diseases. Yeah, that's true. Everyone does get sicker. I
remember, like I didn't get sick for like fifteen years, really yeah,
and then I had kids, and every like thing ever I got again,
every fucking thing. As a like, it's thankfully I'm just wolver Everything just
heals within like thirty seconds. No, it doesn't. If you spent a
fucking two weeks with my kids right now, I think I'd be fine,
You'll be dead. You'll be like the first time I got sick from a
kid flush with white blood cells. Kids do get you the sickest, so
much so that they attacked my white blood cells attack each other. You don't
even know that's cancer. I think that's cross Oh cuss those aides. Uh
when you don't have white blood cells, Oh they go away. Uh So
fuck R s V and fuck you know, working really hard. I didn't
writ last night. I don't write well when i'm like because I didn't know
if I was gonna have to go go meet my wife, and plenty of
time at the hospital. So dude, that's the worst place to write.
Trust me, I was there for five days. You're not inspired, No,
the fucking opposite of inspired. Inspired to just like hang myself on like
one of the heart monitors like chords and just being just leave. That's how
I want to leave through the morgue. But today we are doing a fun
topic that I'm pretty excited about. Not inspired by your an episode. Actually
I kind of just randomly went on a rabbit hole, down a rabbit hole.
And but today we're doing the worst botched executions in history. Oh hell
yeah. Now, obviously these are the worst really recorded botched extra sure history.
I'm sure you know when when the Aztecs were cutting out two hundred thousand
hearts a day or whatever it was. They probably missed a few times.
Yeah, everybody knows they killed two hundred and fifty thousand people a year.
Yes, that's right. Yeah, no, I think they couldn't have missed.
They were so efficient to get through all those people. There's a robot
at that. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like car efficient. Build
a butcher, like he just knows, you know, that's killed. That's
whatever. But it must lose all of its joy when you're going through that
many bodies. It has to look at all these people that like leave sports
early because they're like, I don't love it anymore. Yeah, it's not
it's work to me. Yeah. Uh. A lot of the executioners here,
I'm not necessarily sure they loved their jobs either. Certainly this first executioner
didn't. Although we'll talk about the person executed. Really, we begin with
Margaret Pole, the Countess of Salisbury in fifteen forty one in England. We
don't need to get into her whole backstory, but suffice it to say she
ended up quite literally on the chopping block, because you know, she's mixed
up with Henry the Eighth and the whole Catholic versus Protestant situation in England.
Right, So it's a rough one to be mixed up. Don't want to
be mixed up in that. She was not a wife. She was not
a wife. She wasn't like Anne Bolan or anything like that. She was
just found herself on the wrong side of things. It's a rough, rough
break. So she was kind of controversial for a while when she was in
the court. Took care of one of Henry's child, Mary, who would
later be executed herself in a botched execution. Actually was her actual name poll
or was it like given to her because no, she was a stripper or
something. No, No, Margaret Pole real name far as I know,
just checking the old medieval poll. Yeah, haul, that's strip club.
Like would a medieval strip club even be like the awful? I think it's
just like tits out, probably just clogging on a table more. Yeah,
I imagine it's whatever Game of Thrones brothel you see. Yeah, essentially just
that's grief. So she uh eventually found herself arrested after the I don't know
then that time period of England's version of the Feds, UH just planted evidence
in her home specifically a tunic bearing the five Wounds of Christ, which allegedly
symbolized her support her support of the Catholic Church. This is actually what put
m I six on the map. This was their first big first case.
Yeah, the FBI had Dillinger, my six had this bit Margaret Pole.
No one knows how far back am I six goes, but they think it's
this. Yeah, yeah, they do. A lot of people, a
lot of people are saying that. Yeah. They said that she supported the
Catholic Church and also the rule of her son Reginald and the king, who
is I guess married to the King's Catholic daughter Mary. Mary was the daughter
of Henry the eighth and Catherine of Aragon or whatever. H Spanish who think
she was Spanish anyway, and Catholic. So anyway, I could tell you
didn't do much research on this episode. I'm pretty sure I just got that,
all right. It just doesn't really matter. We're trying to get to
the point of the story here, which is the botched execution. So she
was arrested and sent to the Tower of London, the infamous Tower of London,
uh, where she lived for two years with her grandson Henry just in
a fucking in the Tower. I think people still live in the Tower of
London. Actually I think it's a museum now, No, but I think,
yeah, I think there's still people that live there. Like that's a
that's a part of a lordship, Like that's a piece of like you're the
lord of the tower. Oh really, Yeah, I think that's like I
guess one you've lived there, like that's your estate. Yeah, you're that
specific like slice of nobility. It is nice though, when I turn a
full fledged like terrible, horrific prison into like a tourist attraction. Yeah,
Philly does that with Eastern State Penitentiary. Uh. One I've always wanted to
go to is the I believe there's like a French revolution. Best feel yes
that, Yeah, I want to go there. Best you'll be sick.
I would love to go to Alcatraz for that matter. Yeah, yeah,
for sure, for like a tech party, that would be I was this
close to getting to go to a party on Alcatraz when I was in San
Francisco for the Super Bowl. Man the Broncos panthers on, Like Annheuser couldn't
lock down fucking Alcatraz rock, I guess not. Man, I was pissed.
I was like, dude, I want to rage. I want to
fucking it would be so cold do coke on Alcatraz. There were probably people
that had died in there for having cocaine, and then I could have just
been doing cocaine. Alcatraz might have actually been done before cocaine was illegal.
Oh yeah, damn, Like cocaine wasn't illegal I think until like mid nineteen
hundreds, and then when you're on all the cocaine, you probably just try
to like test whether or not you could swim back. Dude. Yeah,
absolutely in those cold shark infested waters. First thing you're thinking when you're on
a bunch of coke, because I'm sorry, are they shark infested? Yes,
there's pretty very much. So. Yeah, it's where a lot of
great whites are. Not only did people die of hypothermia trying to escape and
like swim off the rock. But yeah, that was like kind of the
big thing was you're gonna get eaten by a shark, like a great white
shark will eat I mean there's a lot of seals there. It makes sense,
I guess, Yeah, a lot of prey, a lot of sad
the jumpers a gang of seals beat the fuck out of you and the water.
Dude, seals are mean, you don't want to fuck. When I
was in Hawaii for my honeymoon, there was like a monk seal swimming around.
What you're doing snorkeling and there was a monk seal kind of like a
little away ways away, and they didn't really know if it was gonna swim
nearest or not. We were still allowed to go on the water and shit,
but they're like, if the seal should happen to come relatively near you,
do not engage with it. It will fuck you up. That's hilarious.
Do not. Yeah, it's like a deer, a deer in the
water. We're like, you don't want to get too close to a buck
because you will just that will fuck you up. Y. Yeah, Well,
first off, a monk seal is seven to seven and a half feet
long. Fuck that that doesn't sound right. That's too big. Yeah,
it is seven and a half feet long for a seal, and they can
weigh up to five hundred pounds. That's a walrus. Yeah, that's a
toothless walrus. I don't even know what is it? Like? Wait,
Like it's like if it gets close to you, don't engage, does it
like get in your face, Like, what do you mean, Uh,
don't try to get its attention, I guess, don't go up to it
or anything like just ignore it. You just ignore it. Yeah, don't
be funny if it like tried to all like to like get it, you
though. Yeah, he's gonna work a jab. He's got no defense.
I think I'm just gonna point in the death. I think. No,
that thing's gonna kill you. Not the fuck seven foot seal now in the
water, Nah, Dan, you're done. I'm great in the water.
You're not. There's no way. One of the best. I don't know
if you remember Dan stories of swimming drunk out as far as he could into
the ocean, swimming back here. So that's pretty dumb in the water,
which makes them strong in the water. So she had several servants up there
too, who you know, we're waiting on her and everything. She just
wasn't allowed to leave. It's just living her her life as a countess.
But just in the Tower of London. You know, if you're in prison,
but your noble, I guess, even if you're accused of treason,
you get to live an okay life. But then one day someone showed up
to her cell and was like, hey, uh, in an hour,
we're gonna kill you. Sure. It's a terrible bedside manner. Yeah right.
And she was like, uh, well I haven't even had a trial,
and also I didn't do anything. Hey guy, get this yeah,
yeah, no, what do you mean. They were like, uh,
okay, see you in an hour. Jokes on you. Yeah. So
it turns out that the day they chose to go up and say hey,
you're getting killed in an hour, it was a really really bad day to
be executed. Windy worse than well no, well maybe probably some hail.
No, it was just that, Uh, it was a shitty day because
the the executioner he's on vacation. He wasn't there. Yeah, he was
up north dealing with rebels. I don't know what that means, but he
was killing rebels. Yeah, probably had a whole slew of prisoners there to
kill, so they had to, uh, they had to play the backup.
It's pretty sick though, to be the executioner during war. A lot
of work. Yeah, but you're sitting on the hillside waiting for the battle
to band. Yeah, getting a hoarding for pow. Here's dude's pad and
stats. Fucking all the reward, none of the risk. Yeah sure,
yeah, I guess so. Was a guy in a hood like all right,
boys, bring it back? So they had to play the backup exit.
The other side just targets him like a fucking medic. What the executioner?
Why? Although really though, if you're already captured, it's it would
be worse to not have the guy who knows how to chop your head off
good, As Margaret Pole soon found out, they just pull a guy off
the streets, dude. So the guy was described the backup was described as
a wretched blundering youth. So they just handed a kid an axe, a
wretched blundering youth. We found the scraggliest, lankiest boy we could find,
who looks like Bye, Oot the fox, it's like him. Yeah,
you'd be chopping on a woman's head off today, Hold on, not much
chopping the head, no, sir, what's kind of stables? Sir?
Bye? You're swing the axe? When I say yeah, but what's he
gonna do? Say? No? Was he get killed too? If he
says no? Maybe I don't know It's just it sounds like they found like
the lankiest boy they could find. That's exactly what it sounds like, like
like an awkward like, oh man, so this kid, I don't know
if he'd done the job before even, but he was bad at it,
bad at swinging that big axe. And to make matters worse, Margaret was
like, I'm not putting my head on that fucking chopping block because that's where
traders put their heads and I'm not a trader, then why are we putting
your head on this thing? Also, she only worked out traps. She's
just like brock Lessner's daughter. Yeah, just stacked. Have you seen that?
Which, by the way, man, clearly brock Lesner's daughter. All
the genetics, the jeans are strong, noble in that zero sable, all
that is literally open. Unfortunate Brocklesterner, dude, like one one of the
all time hot women of our childhood. That's your mom and you got all
your dad's genetics. That's tough. That's tough break. I'm not gonna say
anymore because she'd kick my ass. Oh she beat the ship out on me.
Yeah, yeah, easily. With Lesner she would still. Yeah,
I don't want any of that smoke. That's always the best part about like
talking m m A being on an MMA podcast. I have to like trash
someone and they can all beat me up, and they might be here and
they all take it personally. Yeah, their fights. Yeah. So she
said to the executioner if if he wanted her head so badly. I remember
this as a kid who's like, oh man, yeah, ah, gotta
cut her head off. Today, she was like, if you want my
head, you're gonna have to come and get it. Come and take this
head. Yeah, come and take it this room. This is an awkward
request. According to an eyewitness, she was literally ducking and dodging his axe
swings. It's like fucking Looney Tunes. Shit. She probably could take the
axe from him. Well, her hands were bound and stuff. I think,
oh okay, And this caused the newbie executioner and to miss, of
course, but he didn't miss entirely. He's just taking chunks out of her
shoulder. Yep, yeah, yep, he's just taking pieces out of her
back. So he's just exacts murdering her. Basically. The ambassador to England
from the Holy Roman Empire was one of the people there to witness the execution,
and he claimed that basically the backup executioner just hacked giant pieces out of
Margaret's neck and head and shoulder. At a certain point, I feel like
you just get on your knees and take it right your own sake. It
took eleven swings to finally kill her. That's not that bad. I was
expecting like fifty five. It's ten more than I would want. It's not
one two three. Yeah, I know she's yeah, she's kind of doing
the uh Ali against the ropes, yeah, but not not getting not dodging
it entirely. Yeah. But I mean he wasn't either. He's getting glance
on the shoulder and stuff, true blocking it. Uh. Eventually she did
die, obviously in recognition of Margaret, the Catholic Church actually beautified her.
Now, beatification is it's like a step below sainthood. Basically, they said
what beatification means is the Catholic Church comes out and says she's absolutely in heaven.
Oh that's cool and confirmed and very affirmed heaven, and got to call
down from up top upstairs, called down, she's in confirmed in heaven and
you can pray to her, and she can like react to your prayers.
She can act upon your prayers on like every tear of idolatry in your religion,
we have a I do like tears teared idolatry. You have saints and
fucking like it keeps in order. I don't. Everyone can't be on the
same level. I just love how God it is such a it's so yes,
ANDed what well, there's too many of them. Yeah, and so
we got to make a lower level. And we also, like you guys,
it's the most improved religion. But it holds up. It's great.
It's the goat religion. It's fantastic. Bro. Yes, absolutely, I
mean if Hell has layers, heaven has to symmetry, right, yeah,
exactly. So yeah, the Catholic Church is like she's in heaven. You
can pray to her and she'll do stuff on your behalf. So yeah,
Margaret Pole, Countess of Salisbury in heaven confirmed it took too long. You're
taking eleven hacks go to heaven. Yeah, that's I feel like you take
that deal. That's I take that deal. That's a fair compromise, Like
that's a fair like Okay, listen, if we can't catch him one swoop
at two or three and you're wrongfully executed for being Catholic. Well, yeah,
I guess that's that's got to be part of it. Yeah, bad
deal. Next, we're fast forwarding to England sixteen eighty three and the execution
of a one Lord Russell, who, unlike our last victim, was definitely
guilty of being a trader. I'm not gonna get into his whole plot either.
It is what it is. It doesn't matter. I mean, I
read it. It's just not interesting, Like it's just like, you know,
he's like a dollar store guy fox type of you know what, we
tried to overthrow something? Right? Who cares it's funny or how he died
than what he did to die, So he definitely guilty. He's sent to
the block to be beheaded by at the time a somewhat famous executioner, an
executioner of note, not a backup. Jack Ketch was the executioner's name.
Ketch was no rookie. He knew how to get shit done. But that
would not be the case for Lord Russell. Everyone has tough days, Yeah,
No one bouts a thousand. No, you have a few misses,
which is unfortunate for the misses. Yeah, for the guys who get missed
on because they get exemplified more like the amplified more yeah, yeah, Oh,
the negative stuff always gets over amplified. It's like being a referee,
or just like, you know, you go on so many decent flights,
but the one with turbulence, you know, right, or the one where
it's like the one time and not an airline difficult all the time, but
the one time something relatively reliable sucks up, You're like, yeah, you
remember that. Yeah. So this account of the execution that I'm about to
read comes from a book entitled Great Bastards and History, which sounds like a
sweet book. It does. So this is from the book itself I'm reading
for beatim. Here catch wielded the instrument of death, either with such sadistically
nuanced skill or with such a lack of simple dexterity. Nobody could tell,
which that the victims suffered horrifically under below after blow, each excruciating but not
in itself lethal. So they were like, we couldn't tell if he was
so good at being a psycho or so bad at just doing his job,
Like that's he might have been into it. Basically right. Yeah, that's
how fuck this execution was never worked in your life. Yeah, like maybe
he was just having a bad day. You gotta take some things out,
right, Yeah, it's better he does it at his his job, his
occupation. They if he does it, don't take it home. Yeah,
don't take your wife or anything. I think it would be impossible to.
Once the head's off, you know, you're like, yeah, I'm new,
so there's no better feeling. I'd imagine, continuing from the book,
fucking just releases empty pure, you know, even among the bloodthirsty throngs that
habitually attended English beheadings, which, by the way, hilarious that there are
seasoned ticket holders fucking beheadings. Yeah. Now, I'm actually like, bro,
you go to the week like you Steve, you go to so many
of these things. I'm actually a booster. I pay for I pay for
the gallows. Yeah, that's my Jake Goldman gallows. That's me. I
give him. I give him a couple of quid when he walks through the
parking lot. Do you want to meet Jack Ketch? Do you want to
meet him? Dude, he's uh, he's coming to my kids. Uh.
Bar mitzvah. He's fucking cool, dude. We get to we can
we can actually go to the locker room before them. He's actually executing my
kid at his bar. Meth No, I mean he's killing my kid.
Dude. It's gonna be sick. I feel like it. He'd be more
like a celebrity moil if you want to go Jewish traditions like Jack Catch,
Jack Ketch. He's cutting off my kids forced dude, it's such a clean
line. Yeah, he's never fucked up. He's never had a double dip.
I hope he didn't have a bad day today though he's supposed to give
him a high top. Fade loves the nick ahead. Yeah, so uh
what it goes on. The gory and agonizing display had created such outrage that
Catch felt moved to write and publish a pamphlet titled Apology. So it was
such a fucked up execution, the executioner apologizes, and that even the psychos
who love going to executions were like, oh my god, his pr guys
like you gotta get like bust out the notes, app Bro, He notes
after his own execution, it's the first Twitter apology He's like to who I
offended. I'm deeply sorry and I regret this. Uh. In this pamphlet,
he claimed uh that he literally victim blamed essentially and was like, it's
not my fucking fault. Yeah, he goes Lord Russell did. He basically
said, like Lord Russell didn't like set himself upright, and that distracted him
and that's why he had to just like hack him to death all weird instead
of just cut his head off clean. He's like, I wasn't on my
a game today, but this guy laid down fucking funny and it's because of
this guy. Yeah no, if he if he wasn't being all weird about
it, that's pretty much it. Yeah, he just called him weird.
Always passed the buck. Never take the blame, especially onto a dead person.
Why wouldn't you double down? I would blame dead people constantly if I
if I could, if the situation presented itself. Yeah, I mean you
blame a dead person, immediately disparage that name? What's the good? Every
time? Yeah? What's that name doing? Being dead? I think every
podcast we should uh put all of our own issues and problems on somebody else,
yeah dead clearly? Yeah? Yeah, I agree, So Kissinger he
just thought. I've said this on a million podcasts on this one I know
said on probably drinking Broths two. But one of the funniest scenes of all
time to this day his chest or Jenny's boyfriend in Forrest Gump, who's wearing
a Nazi jacket by the way, uh, being like, sorry, I
beat you up to Jenny. Just Nixon had me all pissed off. He's
just like, you know, Nixon and stuff. Nixon was too literal.
I'm guessing what Wait, the Nazi was pissed off by Nixon. Oh,
he was wearing a Nazi jacket, probably to be like you got your Nazis
or something. Oh god. But anyway, he just blamed beating up Jenny
on Richard Nixon. Listen. That was kind of par for the course of
the time. We don't like to talk about it, but whenever, like
I wish we had an old school relationships back, I'm like, I don't
think you do. It's a lot of hitting, a lot of women being
put in their place hitting well. I actually, I don't know there's any
way to grab this, but I would imagine domestic violence has like low key
falling off a cliff. Oh, easily since the fifties. Oh my god,
like it's still horrific. But oh it's still bad. It's still is
not. Yeah, it's not even talking about sniffing the numbers. Yeah,
I was talking about right stats here, not that it's not when it does
happen, not worse and it used to be or whatever. No, I'm
still saying it's probably way too high. I mean, any one is way
too one, too many, probably astronomically higher than you would think. Oh
yeah, yeah, but I was saying it's still probably much lower than it
then. It wasn't like the fifty six. Also, we're moving in the
right direction. Does Jenny have hepatitis? The author? The author claimed it
was not AIDS because then it would have been passed on to the kid maybe
right, or at least not to know you it's easier to get AIDS.
Yeah, I do know that she got it from a needle. I imagine,
well you would have to it was hepatitis, but also the needle you're
receiving. It's true. I'm just saying, what what was Magic Johnson doing?
Well, I think he was a plant. I don't think he had
AIDS. I think you think magic Johnson's AIDS was a false flag. I
kind to do he's kind of fat. Who did it, Magic Johnson.
Let's just say the CIA, yeah for qui bona, No I do.
I do think there's a legit. I don't really think that's how they operate,
that they're just I don't think benefit is actually for the CI. Know,
they don't care. It's just to watch things fuck up, right.
I think there's a legitimate reason for like the government to have a face of
AIDS. It's to be like, hey, because like even back then,
people thought if you got breathed on, or if like you hung around somebody
with AIDS, you get AIDS. And I think Magic Johnson was just kind
of that person that they threw out there to be like, no, look,
you can live a perfectly fine life. It was actually a thing.
I remember it being a reading. It was a big deal that Princess Diana
shook someone with aids's hand. Yeah, because they really didn't know how got
transmitted. There was a minute and actually I actually don't think this is This
is gonna sound crazy, but I don't. I remember reading this about the
history of AIDS and thinking to myself, like, well, obviously it's wrong.
We know that now, but it sort of passes like an initial logic
to where you're like, oh, fuck, where people when AIDS was getting
rampant Los Angeles were terrified of mosquitoes. Yeah, that actually happened in my
hometown. Like people wouldn't eat outside. Yeah. Shit. Also, internet
doesn't exist really hard to look. Shu up, what are you gonna do?
Go getting in encyclopedia that was printed in nineteen seventy two and find does
mosquitoes give me AIDS? It's not in there, not fucking in there.
Yeah, you gotta trust your doctor who doesn't know your doctor. Dude,
your local doctor doesn't know what I'm saying. Like it passes like an initial
sort of logic test of like it's plausible. I feel like back then,
if you went in and asked your doctor that I'd be like shit, I
never thought. Are still kind of similar to what they were was in the
eighties and nineties. But it's similar. Not what changed about kidneys? Nothing,
there's stuff that changes. I think. I think the route, the
direction of knowledge you're going down is probably medical efficacy was so like biological knowledge,
where you're like, oh, things that they still have an updated that
we know are medically better for you. No, no, because people want
to sling textbooks. Yeah, so where was I? Oh okay, so
Catch apologize and all good. But unfortunately there was another instance that was even
worse. Here is the what they said about this from the same source.
Fuck. I didn't write down who he was executing, but it was another
nobleman. Trust me, dude, this one was crazy. I think you
have kind of written out You've weaved your own story within the story, which
is me doing this this afternoon because I was up all night wondering if I
needed to go meet my wife at the hospital. Yeah. Yeah, where
You're just like, yeah, it doesn't matter what this guy did. It
doesn't. So another duke was being executed, and this is what it says.
He the duke would not make use of a cap or other circumstance,
but lying down bid the fellow, the fellow being Jack Catch, to do
his office better than to the late Lord Russell, and gave him gold.
So he paid him. He was like, he literally gave him gold and
was like, do better than you fucking did to Lord Russell. With the
love of gud. I know I'm about to die, but here's money him
to not fucking do me as bad as you deep that clean. Maybe tipping
culture has been around for a while. Now tip your executioner. Yeah you
don't notice. On the other side of the chopping block, you can turn
it around. He tipped his executioner. But the executioner, Okay, so
you guys didn't tip enough. What if he shorted him like it was a
bad tip? Twelve shekels, that's it. You know you're gonna get lopped
again twelve times again from the book to quote. But the wretch made five
chops before he had his head off, which so incensed the people. So
this saying, people are like, oh my god, again, I can't
watch the ship anymore. I thought this is one of the goats. This
is like he's got the yips. He got the yips. He's got for
sure that had it was a bad period. He got executed in like sixteen
nine extra hop. You know, people going it's like a hitter or quarterback.
They're gonna have to go back to cold streaks. You get cold so
anyway, and then he's starting to question yourself. You get in your own
head. It gets aggressively worse. One after like thirty. Yeah, and
you're like, what he's never miss So the people the books essentially said,
they're like, if if Jack Catch had not been guarded as he was led
away, the crowd would have ripped him to pieces. Damn Well, all
right, so what is he using a battle axe? Like big acts?
Big acts? Two sided? Maybe I don't know why it would be to
be quite very dumb, unless he had a lot of executions that day.
Yeah, because changing a little there was definitely maybe we've talked about this on
the podcast before, but there was a thing in the French Revolution where if
you knew you were getting it, you want it first. You want to
be first. Yeah, you want to You want the cleanest fucking blade do
you get because you didn't want to get hepatitis from the other people who went
before you on oriental trading? You want, but you'll get hepatitis. Your
dead body will get hypatetis. Uh. It depends really on the country what
kind of axe you get. Fair So, if you take someone's head as
it's still kind of conscious, has its immediately ripped off their body and you
freeze it, you have like one sided a Ted Williams situation where you're fine.
Ted Williams got his head. Ted Williams had his frozen somewhere. Oh,
he just did the head. Why wouldn't you do like the body too,
because all you need is you can just attach it to some fucking meat
vessel. I guess, yeah, like Futurama style. Yeah, but why
woudn't you just like it? Could just make your body better. I think
Walt Disney does too. I think it's this whole body. Though Disney might
be his whole body. I bet you Disney is Williams is definitely his head.
Yeah. Well, Williams didn't have a great bod, right, I'm
about Are you telling me that Walt Disney had a better body than Ted Williams.
Absolutely one of the hitters of all time. I mean he but he
didn't have that body anymore. He was like eighty five. He was in
a fucking wheelchairs a s. You roll him out there for like for at
bats, he's getting a hit. He you think he's hitting two fifty into
days the league? Yeah at ninety Yeah, okay, I do, just
because the brain power he has. People love the big brains that work so
hard in sports. He's at least getting a bunt down his fucking head.
Sure, uh out there and he just takes it, takes one hundred and
the ribs. He just fucking one can't get one hundred and two to the
ribs. If if if it was still his whole body would just go through
them through his fucking frail body, dude, it would just be the SNL
schedule goes through with Jason. Oh my god, can you imagine one hundred
mile or fastball through a ninety year old man. That's how we get people
back into baseball, dude, baseball's bad. But anyway, if you think
that that death sounds bad, this death is worse. That's how we should
execute old people fastballs. So if we catch like the last guard at Auschwitz
or some like from the forties, yeah, that'll be the first at bet
when Otani comes off TJ again and he's good to go, that's how he
practices, whether or not he's he can pitch again. Uh, you actually
don't even want a pitcher to do it. Actually, you probably want an
outfielder like Ronald Acunya getting a running start a little crow hop Yeah, okay,
because they're throwing like one hundred and three. Yeah, just watch your
heads explode. I mean, just Randy Johnson in his prime, or know.
I think it's funny how I'm always like, I don't know if i'd
ever watch executions, but then you you played out this scenario, be like,
I'd probably watch it once. I would see an old man take a
one hundred and five the fucking dome. Yeah. First off, these executions
that people went to all the time hit five chops and they were like,
I can't watch this anymore, and they went to them all the time.
You two have seen a combined zero people beheaded in person. Don't know that.
I do know that. I do know that. Dan, you laugh
too much for someone that's seen that. You play too much? Shake,
I play too much. Have you been watched it online? Have you watched
it online? Yeah? Way too young? Everyone? No, okay,
no one's the right age to see someone get their head, but especially like
too young, my ass like, like us, a forty five year old
man right now, he's not gonna be okay. Those but heading videos came
out when we were like ten online. Yeah, but like, let's not
act like there's a right age. That's just a bad thing to see regardless
of your age. Yeah, actually it might be better younger in some way.
In some ways it's better. More ignorant you are, Yeah, like
you can't even like you don't know like how long of a life that is
experienced with your kid. That's like almost in it's hey, it's on a
screen. All right, let's see. Let's see how you feel about maybe
watching this next execution, which was a we're getting this guy out of here,
like extremely public. He's clearly we're off Jack Catch, We're off Jack
Catch did that in his career? No, I hope, no, No,
you just had two game. Ye. He gets sent to the miners
or something. He sent them down to He found them down to Dublin.
He found his groove. He found his groove again. That is funny.
If Dublin's like the double A for so for England at the time, they
this guy can this guy's making it horrible. Send him to the Irish no
real quick. Before we keep going on with these executions, we do have
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So anyway, we're gonna cross the English channel. Now we're gonna head
to France. Next. We're talking about Now, we're talking about Robert Froscois
Demong's just because of his name, he does serves the day. Yeah,
well, actually I pronounced it wrong, Robert Frost. While if I want
to French roll back Frost last name is dem Young's Demos smiles. Uh.
It's seventeen fifty seven, all right, And if you honestly, if you
guys think the last ones are bad, and if I actually don't think they've
been that bad, hacky, Yeah, there's just described in like a horror
film. All right, Well, see what you think about this one.
And if you watch, you can watch this one. Let's get creative.
Come on, And whether so this one, this guy's also extremely guilty of
his crime. Does that make it better? I think so. I think
it does because this, in particular, his crime is so stupid and this
is definitely a play stupid games, win the stupidest prize you could ever win.
So he stabbed King Louis the fifteenth of France in the chest. Oh
that's a bad call. He got to Louis. Though he got to Louis.
Was he in the court? What was his deal? Louis was getting
in a carriage, and he pushed his way through the crowd and passed the
cards. Guards should be on the block. Dabbed him in the chest.
Well, here's the problem. They should be Yeah, they should be agree.
Here's a problem though. So he ran up on Louis stabbed him in
the chest. Right, there's two problems. In daylight and broad daylight,
in front of everybody. He didn't even run away after he stabbed him.
The horrors. He was just like, gotcha, he did his job,
He's like, and he gave himself up. Yep. I was like,
I did what I needed to do. Fuck you. Here's a problem though.
There's two problems. One he only used a pen knife. Oh,
so that's a pretty big problem, break the sternham. And two it was
the middle of winter and Louie was outside, so it didn't even break probably
that second jacket. Uh, it did get one centimeter into Louie's chest skin,
so it just broke the skin a little cut one centimeters. It's an
annoying wound. Yeah, so Louis was fine, bleeding, certainly, but
fine. Despite that, Louis immediately freaked the fuck out, screamed for a
priest so he could give confession and start getting his last rights, because he
was like, oh, my frid and I imagine it's soft hands king,
soft hands kings or hurt. It probably hurts a lot. And yeah,
and he was bleeding. Not a warrior, No, nobody wore at this
point. Yeah, fucking eighteenth century France. Yeah, so Louis, I
mean the Polean fucking saw battle. He did. But Napoleon wasn't born soft
hands. No, the Pollyan was born. So he he it hurt a
lot, and so he thought he was dying, even though he for sure
was not. As soon as he was stabbed. Also, the queen ran
to Louis's side, right there on the spot in front of the carriage.
And uh. While lou was waiting to confess to a priest and get his
last rites, thinking he was dying, Louis also began to confess to his
wife, begging her for forgiveness for all the other chicks he was fucking and
listing them off. That's pretty common with French heads of state. Actually,
what Yeah, they all got side pieces I met, apologizing on their death
pat or something. Oh no, no, they always just have side pieces.
Yeah, that's that surprising. It's not even heads of stage. What's
surprising is that in general, He's like. She's like, oh my god,
are you all right. He's like, babe, I'm sorry. I
fuck Kristen and Anna and fucking Sophie, your sister Sarah, oh yeah,
all your sisters, oh god, and your mom. Ah. And you
forgive me, right, you forget me, Please forget me. She's like,
you're not even dying. She shoved her dirty finger into the hole just
garfields her ass, so he obviously swabs. Louis does too. It's awkward.
Demiens, however, is immediately arrested, of course, because he didn't
even try to escape, and it's taken away immediately to be tortured so that
they could see if there was anyone else involved in this plot. Now again,
was he rogue? Was he was rogue? And I'm not going to
get into the plot because it was just some dumb religious dispute that you would
have never heard of. And this is I was saying about this after I
wrote this, actually, and this is what's really funny to me about this
and about what's about to happen to this man because it was probably it was
definitely a national political thing at the time that he was upset about. It
was half religious, half political as everything was back then to an extent,
and I'm sure at the time it had a lot of people really up in
arms. Right, if I told you what it was, I don't even
remember the name of it. But if I told you what it was,
you wouldn't know it. It was a minor dispute, all things considered,
but it had a lot of people hot and bothered, and it had this
guy's blood up so much that he tried to assassinate a king. Mm hm.
What I was starting thinking about was the phrase that I think is now
especially you think is the dumbest thing I've ever heard it, which is like
a stand for nothing, fall for everything? Is now what it is?
Oh, it's fall for anything? Yeah, it's something like that. Yeah.
The problem is you need to be judicious about what you stand for.
Yeah, and maybe have some kind of fucking perspective on earth and life and
existence. Yeah, before you go stab a king that no one's gonna remember
in one hundred and fifty years over a dispute that definitely no one other than
historians on French history from a very specific time. The most ironic part about
this whole thing is that the person and thing that is remembered the most about
this entire incident is how this dipshit who stood for something ended up dying.
Yeah, no, which is poetic. You have to kind of weigh how
important the figure you're about to assassinate is. I feel like he's super important,
though, Yeah, but you you need to kind of like ten thousand
foot view it. You need to take a step back, look objectively,
like is he really in the grand scheme of things in France that important?
And if the answer is no, then I don't think he thought the answer
was no. I think I think most people didn't think the answer was no,
most at that time King of France. No. But but I need
like multiple wars won I need why he's the king and also he is actually
he's kind of losing wars. I should say he's about to lose the French
and Indian War this quote unquote seven years war? Why is every assassin bad?
Like all these assassins are so bad? Ad Like you think about it,
like this bad assassination attempt wasn't Garfield's pretty shitty? Yes, yeah,
Charles, because that was not a good was terrible? Oh, ferdinance dude,
propt props to fucking Kennedy's assassin. Oh, smooth sailing all the Kennedy's.
Yeah, both of them. John Wilkes Booth king, Yeah, but
like that whole conspiracy kind of asked they were like one for nine. Weren't
they supposed to kill a bunch of people? Yes, the only one guy
got it off. John Wilkes Booth, though, very very smart because not
a lot of distance between the gun and the head. No, I mean
it was low failure rate. Although I will say he is lucky that he
didn't. I guess he he he's lucky he waited to showboat until after he
scored the touch he broke his legs. Well, no, well, also
because imagine if he was dumb enough to scream the sixth semper Tyrannus before he
shot link because he wanted Lincoln to hear it. It's been stupid. I
feel like there's a not I feel like that's the thing the act. I
feel like that's the thing. He was debating in his head, Right should
I say it to him or if they still think it's part of the show.
Well, but it might make Lincoln turn around and dodge, and you
only get he had a he didn't have a six shooter, I know,
and then Lincoln would have probably gone for like a single leg Yeah, set
him in a head and arm dude, but he's taking it back. Yeah,
and she's gonna choke him out. Yeah. What if what if John
Wilkes booth saved us from a tyrannical Lincoln? Just a monster? What if
Lincoln? What if Lincoln was like high on his own supply for winning the
Civil War, then fucking leg locks his would be assassin and chokes him to
death in a fancy booth and then he gives the play to keep going,
and then he just gets so high on his ship that he's like there's no
term limits at that time, by the way, so he just serves something.
He serves a life. He's like I was like Caesar, right,
like, I'll just do it for life and then we'll go I clearly fix
this country. Right Yeah? What if what if I don't know? We
don't if you'll get Grant as our president, who was you know, a
good dude but clearly trusted the wrong people who ran Yeah, well Grant probably
succeed Well, no, I wouldn't succeed. Well, who knows anyway,
So back to my main point when you hear people say shit like stand for
something or you'll fall for anything. It's stand for nothing, fall for anything.
You're right, stand for nothing, fall for anything, don't stand for
anything. Be really judicious about what you stand for. And this guy,
this was a big deal at the time. This was like, honestly,
this this I don't want to get like some political where like this would be
like getting upset about Clinton's Whitewater thing or or or or Hunter Biden's whatever he
his cracked cocaine shit or something like that. She's like, how much he
actually spent on hookers? So much? It's so much mine, I know,
But this is like at the the it's kind of dumb. It's worthy
of an episode, I think probably, But eventually I just all the all
the warring around White House people just in general. You can get it like
Kennedy's Bidens all them. But I think if you stand for nothing, you
also fall for nothing, because like I know you, this was a big
deal at the time. If you stand for nothing, you don't do anything.
But you can't fall for anything. You can't fall if you don't go.
That's right. If I'm not climbing the ladder, I can't fall,
say for nothing, fall for anything. It's like, what you think,
I'm just gonna bite on everything. I don't believe in. That phrase too
is kind of dumb too. It's like, don't climb any ladders, fall
off every ladder because you're already on the ground. And that's what happens when
you fall the ladder. You're on the ground. You're on the ground.
But like this guy really like he was like, I'm not this just the
biggest fucking deal ever. And it was again, like I said, it
was a contentious political issue at the time, This dumb little religious Yeah,
you got that. You gotta like kind of power rank where he is in
the hierarchy of leaders. He's an active We know Lincoln and we know Kenneth.
So Louis the fifteenth. Let me give you some background because you probably
don't know this. Louis the fifteenth. Cole is the Sun. Oh,
most people don't know this. He falls under most people. You don't know
this either. I guarantee you don't. You think you're an elitist, you
only you don't even just associate with like the blue collar man like myself.
No, I don't. You are fucking not blue collar. What are you
talking about? I have a blue collar mentality, that's all it takes.
That doesn't leave you. I still have poor brain. Okay, fair enough,
Yes, that's true. So Louis the fifteenth is the son of Louis
the fourteenth, who is known as the son King, the man who built
Versailles. Louis the fourteenth is arguably, I mean, on the very short
list for the greatest French kings of all time, like the top two or
three. It'd be like him, Saint Louis, Charlete Mane, and Charlemagne
honestly, who may not have existed, well you know, anyway, it's
like though it might be those three let's questions. Fifteenth is the immediate heir
lose fifteenth is the immediate heir to the son King lou the fourteenth. France
at this time is probably the most powerful nation on earth. So this is
the leader of the most powerful nation on earth and the son of a top
three French king. I would have I think, personally, the sequels never
better, though it doesn't matter, though this is the most this is.
This guy is a big fucking deal. Killing the son of someone who is
a big deal is a big deal in itself, right, So all that
it's like JFK Junior and the paraglider. You know, well the CIA missile
that took his plane out of this guy. The guy's flying an ultra light.
Yeah, he's asking for it, So I think he should fly those
things. You ever seen them? They should crash the paragliders. Yeah,
this things, dude, honestly, have you seen anyone high profile? Why
the funk would you get in that? Is he now the second most famous
paraglider? Have you ever? Oh? No, oh no, who's the
first? The gods, the sevenths, Yeah, oh yeah, they crushed
thelider game. Have you ever seen the plane that Roy Halladay was flying.
Yeah, it's a little toy plane. It's stupid. It deserves to crash.
Wind up, it's actually wind up plane. It kind of he like
gets out. It's like cranky. It's like my kid's toy plane. Yeah.
Also not the first Phillies pictured to crash plane. See those ultra light
things that people fly in that have no motor you took they get toed up
and they get dropped from a plane and you just glide them down. Oh
well that's actually how World War two gliders worked. There were glider troops in
World War Two. Yeah, yeah, no for sure, but like those
were death sentences. Those things they worked for the most part. I mean
think of like World War one plane kind of. I mean when they didn't
work, think of the dog fights in World War One. Those things were
probably going like a snail's pace. Oh yeah, those are slow as fuck.
I'm just saying it's crazy that people like, as a hobby glide.
That's imagine in World War One they were like shooting each other out of the
sky with handguns. No, that's amazing that, It's just fucking cool.
That's sweet. That's that's not a hobby though, that's for war. Like
I get why that that was out of necessity, right, Like they weren't
doing that for fun. That's why I was hearing me out executions World War
One planes drive bys. So tommy gun from a fucking zero plane is like,
oh, he's better than fucking blue angel shows. Yeah, at least
that would be better. Yeah, all right, So anyway, we gotta
get to this because it's gnarly. So he was obviously a torture, but
you know, tried to figure out if anyone else was involved. In the
plot, no one was. So Damien's was sentenced to die for attempted regicide,
which is quite literally the worst thing you can be convicted of in this
time period as far as I can tell. Yeah, failed king or kingslayer
either one. In fact, some people were like, dude, you treated
him like he did the job, which he didn't, but like god,
damn, you have to make an example of him. You can't have any
repeat Well, they did incidents, let me let me, let me get
into it. So before he was set to be actually killed killed on March
twenty eighth, seventeen fifty seven. That day, that same day, he
was tortured as well, because he had to be tortured before he was finished
off. So on March twenty eighth, seventeen fifty seven, Damiens suffered the
following punishments. Prior to execution, his legs were painfully compressed by the devices
we know as boots, the fucking things that just smash your legs or whatever.
Oh, just getting a little compression. Yeah, I mean we do
that kind of for recovery at this point. Yeah, you wear the recovery
boots or you just go to like you know, one of those uh manicure
places like great nails where like the little people just punch you in the leg.
Yeah, so it sounds like a day at the spot so far.
Go Okay. He was then tortured with red hot pincers. We do a
hot cold thing. Now you cold plunge go into song on a still recovery
here, yeah okay, Uh, then a little bit of a stretch,
but we're making a work. The hand he held the knife with during his
attempt at assassination was burned with sulfur, molten look wax, and then molten
lead. They're just getting them game day ready, Yeah, man, getting
this this cute nice and soft, you know. Okay yeah uh. And
then the holes that they punctured him with the red hot pincers with they poured
boiling oil into. Oh I don't got one for that. That sounds like
it hurts being fried from the inside kind of like cupping. It's not,
it's not like it's just like you're a churo now, dude, Like what
are you at that point? Like that's that's a fucking I've never heard of
anyone having boiling oil. So you're being fried from the inside quite literally.
Yea. Then it was finally time to be executed. He was sent to
the Royal executioner, Charles already Sound Soul, which ironically was the same guy
who would go on to execute Louis the fifteenth son Louis the sixteenth. Nice,
so he's tenured. Maybe not at this point, but eventually Sanson started
off, you know, as his tradition, I guess, for regicide,
attempted regicide, felon or whatever, by cutting off Damien's penis and testicles.
Have to oh, have to yeah, make a meet him. They didn't
do that. Was that the Colombian bow tie? No, that's the tongue
through the throat. Yeah. Yeah, so that part one is planned,
by the way, That part went fine. That part went fine. They
cut it off, swift cut, swift cut, castraight. Then Damien was
set to be drawn and quartered, so each arm and leg was tied to
a different horse, and uh, yeah, this is where the problems arise.
Oh now huh yeah yeah, Now finally something goes wrong for Damian's smooth
sailing before then, so you know, they slapped the horses asses or whatever.
Yeah, uh, and the horses started walking or running and did the
pulling. But Damiellenes apparently was pretty fucking yoked because these horses, they were
doing the normal thing. They ripped arms off, legs off all the time
doing this. They could not get his arms and legs off. He's elastic,
girl. No matter how hard they tried, it's just swolled. No
matter how many times they could. They were ripping. You know, everything
was just located, all that stuff. They were going and going, but
he would not come apart. That sucks, man, he just would not.
Embarrassing for the horses, for the horses, for the executioner. Like
at this point, I like, I don't even understand how a human being
can like they'd be using like petting zoo ponies. I really don't get it.
If they were like big horses, they were big horses, that's weird.
Maybe they just weren't having Maybe they were having a bad day. I
don't know. There's a couple of guys out there. I think a horse
couldn't rip apart you on that list. I have not reached that list,
But if I get on some TRT next year, maybe I don't think he
was on TRT. I don't know that. I feel you didn't confirm that
I feel confident. I didn't confirm it. It's just on here. That's
what he's getting killed for her to feel like. If he was on TRT,
he could have got more than a centimeter into the King's chest. I
would have fucking punched a hole through what he's doing. He didn't get TRT
until prison. Well, you gotta get prison jacked. Maybe it's just all
lower body. Well the armor things come off either, yeah, now,
but the legs were it's it's, you know, like a squat. It's
like eighty percent of your entire body, right, you're working out, So
you don't like he could be mostly lower body but still yoked in the arms
because he squat so much. Right, Well, the horses kept trying,
kept trying. They could not do it. So finally the executioner was instructed
to, uh slice all of Damien's tendons. Oh, so they had to
chop up a little bit kind of you know, the pickle jock for the
horses. That's like bumpers at the bowling out it is it is. Yeah,
it's like, come on, horses don't get credit for that now.
So finally, finally, after he was halfway sliced, the horses were able
to rip off his limbs one by one. By the way, they do
not all come off simultaneously. They're just juicing the balls for these executions.
Yet, suck. If your legs are the last to come off, you
think, yeah, legs, well, think about it. So the arms
come off first. Then you're you're from the bottom ripped in half because you
got to think, right, there's no more tension up top. Yeah,
so you're you're being split apart. Yeah, well, they got all four
off eventually. Finally, finally they ripped all of his limbs off. Good
for them, problem was he wasn't dead. Well wait, you can't rip
all his limbs off though. There has to be one last one, right,
that's just drat. You're getting there. At that point, you kind
of hold them down. I guess maybe you could be a tore, but
usually you die from that. I would think, so, yeah he didn't.
Oh no, so he's just a nugg at this point, he's just
a nugget without a wiener, sitting there screaming his fucking face. I think
at that point you let him live. Oh that's way worse. Oh yeah,
honestly, this sounds so agonizing. This is the worst one and then
he just let him out into the streets. But all right, you're free
now, but good luck roll along. Well they didn't do that. They're
like, what do we do now? Looking around, like, what do
we do now? I remember it fhl king live as a nugget. Well,
instead what they did was they took his still living nugget torso and burned
it at the stake. Geez. Yeah, no, this is kind of
what I was expecting from the whole episode. Everybody else is getting chopped up.
It's like, no, I want some metal ship. Yeah, like
everyone was just bad hack jobs. This guy turned into a fucking popcorn chicken
like this dude, This dude was too durable. Yeah, the best abilities
availability and he was too available. Yeah, dying hard, good, trying
to execute like Frank Gore, he just keeps coming. Yeah, Like it's
just you can't. This man is indestructible. If there's one thing I don't
want to be quality wise in my life, it's hard to kill. Oh,
he's hard to kill. Like it's bad at the wrong time. Yeah,
for this easily the worst quality to be described as for a UFC fighter.
And then they fighter is durable. Just get the shit kicked out of
him. Dude. Yeah, if that's the first thing they mentioned, it's
like, this guy has no skill. He's just really good at getting punched.
You don't want to be Homer Simpson. Essentially, yeah, uh so
the execution, believe it or not, at least for the time. It
is obviously kind of a footnote of history now, but it was a big
deal for a while. It was used by supporters of the French Revolution as
proof that the French monarchy was barbaric and evil. It was used against Robespierre,
who was from the same village as his dummy ns Once they royalists were
like, oh, ropes p only hates the king. He's actually not about
the people or whatever. He's just mad because his uncle, and he said
they said that he was a nephew of Demis. He's just mad because his
uncle was executive for trying to kill the last king. Demien's execution was written
about by Thomas Paine for calt Edmund Burke, Mark Twain Voltaire, Charles Dickens
in a Tale of Two Cities. Some big hitters there, I mean,
those are some of your most important, essentially most every single one was essentially
in reference to how brutal the French monarchy was, Like, it's so barbaric
that we're gonna let this guy continue to be an executioner and also take out
the king. What oh yeah, yeah, so he ends up killing Louis
the sixteenth and he just gets to keep a job. Really, he's the
one that episode. At some point, there is no literally can't do a
French Revolution episode, there's too many, But you can do a Reign of
Terror episodes. Maybe I think a Reign of Terror episode would be great.
That's really the part of the French Revolution that matters in terms of like what
you think of when you think of French Revolution. I took a hole still
crazier than you think. I took a whole class on the French Revolution in
college, Like it was literally just revolutionary France and it was super boring.
I just did it to learn about more about Napoleon because I love Napoleon.
But yes, the Napoleon episode brot. Yeah, there's no way. Guess
what, yeah, get this topless guy checking out the movie? I guess
wasn't that good? So we're fine, Yeah, we do whatever we want.
It wasn't like we missed Oppenheimer. No, well, I still need
to see it to judge off for myself. But yeah, anyway, Damielles
was His execution went down in history. It was used against the French monarchy.
It was referenced, like I said, by every major rioter at the
time who was either pro democracy or pro rights of man or just you know,
don't do that to people, right, No, yeah, Next,
last, but not least, we come to the first ever electric chair exit
cution in eighteen ninety in the United States. And you know this didn't fucking
go right. Couldn't have the first ever electricity sponge, dude, There's no
way they figured out the conducttion. This was a This was a real no
sponge situation. William Kimler live. He murdered his common law wife, Tillie
Ziggler with a hatchet. They got an argument, he was over it,
chopped her to pieces with a hatchet, went to the neighbor's house and was
like, will I just killed my girlfriend. Guys, sounds like an idiot,
yep. The New York Times described him as follows at the time.
William Kemmler was a vegetable peddler in the slums of Buffalo New York an alcoholic,
damn. So he was the worst. Well, I a if you,
like we always say, if you're being described as an alcoholic at that
time, all he had to do was go to fucking Vermont and he would
have been fine. No, that's that's the thing. That he's an idiot,
Like move town over. Nobody literally could have just left Buffalo, no
DNA. Yeah. So he was tried found guilty of first degree murder because
he admitted to the murder. Yeah, neighbors death, all that stuff,
blah blah blah. I mean he's an idiot because he killed his wife,
but also like for a laundry list of other reasons. Yeah, you can
still kill your wife and be universally beloved. You can just not be a
fucking idiot in general. Yeah all that. Yeah, So lucky him.
He murdered her at the exact right time because he was going to be the
first person ever to get the chair. You think he was like score.
Oh yeah. Death by electrocution had recently been voted as the new standard of
execution in New York. He took out Topsy so futuristic this before Topsy eighteen
ninety when he Yeah, I think I looked it up to, so what
is what's funny? Though? This ends up being a part of the topsy
story because of like the voltage, the AC DC, the current wars,
this is, this ends up becoming part of the current wars. So there
were some who did not want him executed by electricity, specifically George Westinghouse of
a C fame alternating current fame. Because alternating current is what was going to
be used in this man's execution. Westinghouse sued to get the method of execution
labeled as a violation of the Eighth Amendment under the Cruel and Unusual Punishment clause.
Now westing House thinking of a fuck about this guy, or about this
guy being in pain, We don't worry. We're gonna slowly dip him in
fucking acid. Westing House will have been like, oh, oh cool,
whatever, I don't care anymore. Westinghouse just didn't want his electricity being used
because it's about his rivals, chief among them Thomas Edison, who were doing
DC direct current, right, yeah, didn't he? They wanted a C
to be seen as the deadly electricity behind the kills se right, that's why
they used it for Topsy. This just I mean, that's just that's trus
You what like lack of education does to people though too, don't You don't
want to get that deadly electricity? You just like, no, that's the
bad one, dude. There's like twelve people in the whole world that know
anything about electricity. But that's the education. But think about that, there's
only twelve people that know about electricity. And their first thought was like propaganda.
Yeah, we cannot be honest with the people. We got to trick
them and thinking, one kind of electricity you'll kill you. The other kind,
your toddler can lick the fucking socket. Because the man on that side
is Thomas Edison. It was a ginormous piece of shit. I'm saying.
It's like humans are pretty funny, man, No matter what. It's never
like it's lie immediately we're doing this for sciences because you get to that high
of a level and you're just like fuck it. But I mean, Tesla,
Tesla was on Weston House's side, I'd imagine, yeah, I think
so. Yeah, he was alternating game boy, yeah a boy. Yeah.
So the appeal was denied. Kendler was set to be executed by electrocution
on August sixth, eighteen ninety, the execution was set to go down.
Kemler was notably calm when he was strapped into the chair. He was ready
to go. He was just like, it's cool. He actually was also
like like it's cool. I'm going to heaven. Like he had beatified himself
and it's like, dude, you chrapped your wife up with a fucking act
like you're not. But he's really sorry. I don't I didn't see anything
about him expressing sorrow. He was just like, I know, I'm going
to a better place. And people between him god brother. He literally goes
like he he had all these like flowery words for the for the executionery was
like I know, I go to a better place something like that. Also,
side note, you're his wife, right who gets chopped in pieces?
What if she goes to heaven? He is really sorry, He apologizes,
does last confession, last rides he makes to heaven. Somehow they run into
each other. How's that conversation go? Maybe they forgive each other. Maybe
like I think she has to see a manager. Let this, dude,
you gotta talk to Saint Peter. I feel like, you know you're beyond
your corporal needs and wants. You're just floating. Now you can fly.
It's what you have Now you can fly. Okay, sure that's a fucking
hard not a hard cell, man, it's this, but you can fly
sick. That's kind of sick, slightly sicker, some fucking weak pitch dude,
Earth too, I'm flying sick, the fucking lamest m m O RPG
Earth of All Time, Life two or Earth too? What was that?
It's just where you like, like, hey, it's Earth, but you
can do whatever you want. It's like, oh, you can do that
on Earth. It's called life. What about just the sims? But it
wasn't an MMO RPG that was Are you talking about second life? Second Life?
Yeah, yeah, it's no, it's it's just it truly is just
what Dan is saying. It's like Earth but you can fly. Yeah,
it's just one of the things like something like that. It's like, but
you can be like remember they talk about in the office, It's like,
yeah, Dwight a sports writer in this world or something like this, you
can do that. It's like in Hot Suptime Machine, the kids in jail
in Second Life. Yeah, yeah, it's like I've got to do my
time. It is a dumb game. It's really stupid. Just go do
that in life. You could do that in life, but to waste of
time. So anyway, uh, Kemler had all these flowery words. He
was like a go to a better place, make it fast and do it
true, or just some dumb shit like that. The executioner, the executioner,
that was just like his words were the excuse. Just after he's all
done, the excution just goes goodbye. William Burn just all right, man,
see it, dude, was like, I what do you wana to
fucking say? Man, it's like two thirty on high. So they flipped
the switch and they ran a thousand vaults through William Kemmler. This had been
more than enough to kill a horse. The day before they tried it out
on a horse. I was gonna say, did they try it on a
pig? First? Did they tried on horse? It went heavier than Kemler,
Right, they went bigger. That's how I was about to ask,
is that enough for a person? Well, it was enough for a horse.
They did a thousand balls to a horse. You used to get murdered
and executed for stealing a horse. Now they're just just casually. They bought
a far and square. You do whatever you wanted the horse once you have
it. Yeah, it's one those loss You don't know what you legally acquire
the horse. They could have just killed and just fried the cows. Not
sure cook the meat, oh man, speaking of cooked meat. Um,
yeah, this guy. The current passed through Kemler for seventeen seconds. The
power was then turned off and Kemler was declared dead, which I think was
just someone was like, he's dead, because witnesses were immediately like, he's
breathing, He's still there. He cook absolutely fucking alive. Did he shit
himself? Of course you probably his fucking eyes probably melted in his head,
dude, not yet, oh soon, so madic. The doctors went up
confirmed he was still alive, and one of the doctors reportedly called out,
have the current turned on again, quick, no delay, Like he's still
alive now he's just suffering. Like you got out up the vault. Yeah,
finished the job. Just run the battery. So they were like,
you know what, let's double it, keep the car running, So they
ran two thousand vaults through him this time. This caused his whole body explode
with the fuck the blood vessels to explode inside of his body. Oh my
god, this whole body exploded on You got microwaved, yep, pretty much.
Yeah, you got microwave. And then he caught on fire. Witnesses
claimed that his flesh burst open and flames started shooting out. It's like when
that guy on Twitter just like was like, I'm gonna put a hot dog
in an air fryer for as long as I can let it go. You
ever see that cat? Oh so funny man, He'll do that with like
a big mac and shit. He's like his neighbors just call the cops on
him every Timely funny. It's been sixty hours. It turns into like a
flaming puck. It's amazing. You should check this guy out. The New
York Times wrote, an awful odor began to permeate through the death chamber,
and then, as though to cap the climax of the fearful sight, it
was seen that the hair under and around the electrode of the head, and
flesh under and around the electrode at the base of the spine was singing.
The stench was unbearable. Witnesses said that the smell of burning flesh left several
people nauseated as they tried to like bust out of the room. They ran
two thousand volts through him for eight minutes. Oh my god, so long
and he was still alive. That's the whole that's freebird with the solo.
That's how I want to go. And he just run a fucking so much
electricity three me and blastpreymbird. The New York Times headline for the story the
next day was far worse than hanging. Yeah sounds terrible. Stinghouse commented,
they would have done better using an act. It's a safe electricity. No,
this was the dangerous No, well now it is. Yeah, right
now, That's all I got for today. Boys, those are the four
worst botched executions that I could find. There is actually a fifth, but
it's relatively recent. We talked about an RPR about the guy in the gas
chamber, but they use cyanide gash and it didn't work so good. Like
it hurt a lot, but it didn't work very quick. Well, there
he started, he got he ripped himself off the table and started slamming his
head into a metal pole in order to knock himself unconscious. So he couldn't
feel the pain anymore. Oh my god, dude, but he raped a
three year old and killed Oh you know in that case, I'm fine with
whatever. Yeah, yeah, no, but it is weird like in like
the Midwest and stuff, because these chemicals are harder to get, like they're
kind of like winging it. Yeah, with execution chemicals. Now is the
South? I think is like Mississippiously, I don't remember either way. Yeah,
but that's all is brought to you by Monsanto. It right, Tyson
Chicken. It would just be what if they just killed him with like a
round up? They checked him with the round up. I have a frattornity
brother who currently has cancer from using roundup. People forget about that. But
yeah, I can't wait till you get he cashes like a thirty five dollars
check. What is it just from getting it on your skin? Little class
action? Uh? He had a landscaping company in high school. Uh,
and I think college over summers and then he's round up a lot. Yeah,
you'd probably get on your skin. He's fine now. Part of his
heart is made of a cow. That's fine at this at this point.
Yeah, that's strong arm. Shout out to Trevor. Uh anyway, who
is Oh sorry, what'd you guys learn today? You don't want to be
the first person that gets executed by any means, no, any method,
especially electricity. When it comes to that and they're still trying to figure things
out. You want to have it down before you get electrocuted. Mm hmm.
You don't want to be the first anything. No, yeah you know
what I mean? Or bad? Yeah, no, like it would be
a trail bla. Same with the vaccine. Yah, yeah, I'm not.
I'm not doing that first ever. I don't care what anyone says.
I'm not the first one to do it. I'll be like a million that's
fine. Like these people sign up to go to Mars or something, No,
no way, bro, space travel. When they're like, oh,
take a flight to the moon, I'll be like, kiss my ass,
I need to even a hundred thousand of those Mars. Like even let's go
back in time and someone's like, hey, they discovered a new continent.
You want to go over there and build a town, Like, I'll call
after the town as well established. Perhaps I will not go over there building
what is essentially a different planet and fucking build the down with you across what
an ocean? Yeah? Have people crossed that before? No? You right
me? When the town is up and running, because I mean other than
Columbus, the ocean is out and maybe John Smith. You don't know anybody
else from those those days. The Pilgrims, they're just kind of categorizes one
truly. There's not one pilgrim that sticks out everyone. Probably John Smith and
Columbus are like easily the top two, you know, the the other ones
like Wall, John Rolfs like that. But yeah, but that same story,
yeah him and Smith, Yeah, yeah, true, But yeah,
you're right. But yeah, those people probably thought, oh, we're pioneers
here, we're trailblazers. We're gonna our names will be in history one day.
Nah, you're long forgotten. I gotta say the main thing I learned.
I already talked about it, but like, stand have some perspective on
what you're getting very angry about politically or religiously. Nah, gets just get
mad, get emotional. Yeah, hold it like a hot rock, burn
yourself. A window suffered a death so bad it was written about for centuries.
Yeah, but he's dead now. Who cares over a religious I didn't
bother riding down because I know you haven't heard of it, but they felt
good. One he tried to stab all the big hitters wrote about him,
twain. Do you think he appreciated that death in his own way? For
sure? Uh? Who's today's hitler? Today's hitler? I'm gonna go with
Homeboy. That was allegedly one of the best that just had. Yeah,
the old Hackey Mhackerson five swings. You gotta be a professional jack catch jack
ketch. Yeah. And then when the guy, the guy who tipped him
did a worse job, it paid you man, tip your executioner. Hey,
I don't tip people. What is it? You don't tip people for
things you can do yourself? Right? Yeah? I can kill myself just
fine, get better. He's not getting tipped. Yeah, ive already told
you I want to do it. Gonna get some piano wire and super glue
my hands to my head. Yeah, then hang myself because then it's gonna
look like I pulled off my own head. That's sick. Yeah, it's
pretty metal. What do you sorry? Who's clean up with the piano wire?
Oh? This is gonna be you know, after Katie and Wheeler are
gone. Okay, but they'll just know the piano wire did it. Yeah,
it just look like well, the piano. Oh, you're right.
I gotta hide the piano wire. Yeah, you gotta hire something. Yeah,
a lot of old skin there. You're right, so I gotta have
someone, Dan, can you move the piano wire. This is why you
should have children to kill you. But they won't like they want with the
piano wire. Children, if you've walked through the room and seen that I've
removed my head from my body, yeah, you'll find some piano wire on
the ceiling. Take it out. Take it out and tell everyone that I
took my head off of my body. Do it on Halloween too, like
a prank. Yeah, Flora, you'll be the ultimate Florida Man. Florida
man, rip head off body in sick Halloween prank. Yeah, gone wrong
because at first they would think it's a decoration. Oh that Jakey's so crazy,
you go so hard browlling. Oh my god, that's his that's his
sad. Well, that's thanks all I got for today. Thank you so
much for listening again. Patreon dot com slash software History five dollars a month
for a giant catalog of content. And there's new stuff every two, new
episodes every week. Please like and leave a review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
For Jake Goldman and Dan Richester, I'm Rob Fox. You just got
saw Served,