Welcome to Softcore History. Happy holidays, Welcome back to Softcore History. I'm
your host for the week, Damna Jester, and I am joined as always
by Rob Fox and Jake Go Man. What is up? Boys? It's
Merry Christmas for one. I'm up because it's early in the morning. It's
early in the morning, these guys, these guys early in the morning.
It's nine am. I know it's early work for us, it is early
work for you. You guys don't really work this early. Huh. I'm
surprised you're up. This is this is the time I'm normally right. Why
holy fuck are you up? Yeah, you guys, asked me. I
said I'd come in whenever. I said. You were here at eight o'clock
in the morning as I pulled up. Yeah, I was actually here early.
Oh wow, we're here last night as well, recording stuff for the
Patreon picture on dot com slash Software history. Yeah, Jake had not left,
right, so I just think he slept here. Yeah, yeah,
that's that's probably I slept here. I did yea in his car or in
Joel's trailer in the back. His wife was like, I'll come back to
you have a job and it's like, well, I'm a podcaster now,
but yeah, this is my job. Dream live in the dream. I'm
having estella at nine o'clock in the morning. Well, that's not feasible because
we don't have enough people on the Patreon for this to be our single employment.
Yeah, so go ahead and take a look see at patreon dot com
slash software history. Two additional episodes every week, that's right, that's right.
Buy it for yourself for the holidays, for Christmas. Oh, get
it as a little Christmas gift to yourselves. Also, you know, a
whole back catalog as well, so you're not just paying for two episodes.
I would actually say, yeah, if you're traveling this Christmas, like if
you're about to start driving or whatever, Yeah, and you need some content.
At this point, we have two years of Patreon content. Yeah,
go ahead and throw down the five bucks, even if it's just for the
month. Yeah, to just have stuff to listen to, maybe gifted to
someone if they don't have the patroon, you can probably do that. I
don't we don't know how it works. Yeah, functionally, I bet you
can't. With Patreon. Someone what's twelve times five sixty sixty? Ye?
Give someone sixty dollars. No, it's fifty four. Oh just yeah,
give them a year of us. But anyway, but today we're actually going
to talk about a little known tradition in Peru. Okay, around this time,
typically from December twenty fourth to December twenty sixth, always on Christmas Day
though, that's what the main menut. It's like a bowl game, always
on New Year's The big ones are on New Year's Day. Yes, okay,
this is peruvia New Year six Hell yeah, we're talking high up in
the Andes Mountains at an elevation of around thirty six hundred meters, which I
believe is twelve thousand feet in Santo Tomas, Peru, the whole town of
indigenous people get together to celebrate Christmas with a week long bender of drinking,
dancing, and settling scores in a community created fight pit. Hell yeah,
what's it called, dan? It is called taka naqui. Fucking nailed it,
dude. We're practicing that this morning. I had to listen to try
to figure it out. I will surely fuck it up throughout this episode.
Whatever. Yeah, but yeah, it's tucking' aqui. Long before Frank Costanza,
created Festivus, men, women, and children of Santo Tomas could all
air out their grievances and test feats of strength against anyone they were beefing with
that year. Oh my god, in hand to hand combat. Is this
a beef squashing holiday? Yeah, that's what it's meant for. That's fantastic.
Every Christmas, just briget your problems with this motherfucker all year. You
know how they say, like, you can't go to bed angry when you're
like with a a significant other, with your neighbors. You can't end the
year angry, right, Just squash it now so we can go in f
Otherwise I typically agree with that you shouldn't let your neighbor leave you angry.
All beef be squashed immediately, but before the end of the year. Hoa,
you want to start the new year, right, Yeah, h should
do this ha press for sure. Hey, beef squashing Christmas Day. I
need to fight the guy who's dog bit my dog with honor? Yeah,
with honor. Santo Tomas is historically one of the poorest areas in Peru,
cut off not only geographically from the power centers and financial interest of the Pacific
Coast, but most resources and government services from their country, as it's about
a twelve hour drive from the nearest court. Oh, imagine that the poor
people have a holiday around violence. Let's get sick the country club. Yeah
no, I guarantee you in the brown stones of Peru, they are not
doing this. They're not doing this in Lima. Yeah, no, they're
not. Maybe they are, maybe they're maybe they've adopted this tradition, this
practice. I think we'll get to that, Okay, Yeah, I just
want to see where it is. I'm just like looking up on the mountain.
It's middle of nowhere, Peru. It's high up in the andies.
Yeah. I was watching a bit of the uh the Vice Guide to this,
and I believe he said it was a ten hour drive there, like
from where Lima probably, which is the capital, and that looks about right
distance wise. And the fact that it's in the fucking mountain and there's like
probably one road in Yeah, god man, Peru, Chile. Ironically you
take thirty five to get there. I'm serious. Thirty five is the highway
to go through something. No, it is, it is, actually there
is one. Thirty five goes all the way down what like from there is
a didn't you and McGregor just do that on Netflix? He went from like
the tip of South America all the way up to fucking Canada. I think
you can yeah, I think you can't take highways. You gotta you gotta
bring some money with you though, Oh yeah, you gotta pay off some
cartels. Like yeah, you you're a real dick if you want to fuck
over obi Wan though, Like if obi Wan came up for me, think
some guy who's in the middle of a cartel knows who obi Wan is?
He should dude? What if they did, though? Like, oh she
is obi Wan? It's a simple It's like a simple jack horrifying gorilla unit.
Yeah, that's just like kidnapping peasants and stuff. But they're like,
should obi what? Simple Jack? It's it's seriously that moment they have a
bunch of hostages in hoods. Yeah, and then you McGregor kind of rolls
up to their toll stop and they're like, oh you're good man. Ah,
I love looking for it. BA you save the prequels, man,
you're the best. Oh man, Sick Joe kind of sucked, But that
wasn't your fault. That wasn't your fault. Dude, it's just bad riding.
Dude, you're giving nothing, given nothing. They give him not once
a year between the twenty fourth and twenty sixth December. Anyone can handle outstanding
disagreements by throwing hands in a public arena as the rest of their community watches.
The word takanaqui translates to when blood is boiling in the native tongue.
That's pretty sweet in the native tongue. So oh, it's an indigenous word.
They don't speak Spanish. Really. I love that. They don't really
speak English. They speak a little bit lick of Spanish, but there's a
a native tongue that is. What are they are? They they're not inc
and probably probably what they were probably under the Incan Empire. They actually fought
off the Incas. They did Okay, this is uh. They don't necessarily
know where this tradition came from, but part of it was a celebration of
their history fighting off the Spanish, Spanish conquistadors, the Incas. They're kind
of their own thing. They're subsect I don't know how to say the word,
so I'm not going to try. Just Native Peruvians, you know,
Oh, you don't know how to see the tribal name. No, that's
how's it's about. It's probably it's hard. There's probably ex's they don't make
sense. What's really funny is that my Patreon episode this week that we're going
to record next takes place in the exact same part of the world. Why
you guys this it was a coincidence, coincident. No, we planned it.
And I'm pretty sure the word takin' Aqui showed up and Peru in my
research sports Chile, but same same vibes. I mean they're right next.
Yeah, I mean it's the chumb of Alachus province. Uh, the indigenous
people are, oh what you did? What I do know him? Okay,
okay, the Chilean dictator? No, oh not him, No,
it's another native Oh okay, interesting. Yeah. During the pre fight festivities,
a procession of people dressed in traditional cowboy leg wear and bright woven ski
mask. What hold on, it's about spring Breakers outfit? Exactly what I
saw. I showed you Vanessa Hudgens at the end of spring Breakers. I
showed you some of the videos. Yeah, they were like, I guess
I didn't key in on that kind of kind of Luca leebra ski mask.
Yeah, it did kind of look like that. Now they're fucking all about
that, and they proceed through the town dancing to jliam music, which is
every song has the same chorus and can get a bit repetitive. The music
that he showed me was hilarious. It's just a bunch of dudes in the
street with ski mescued. It's amazing. It's not far off. No,
I mean like it's it's seriously that it's it looks kind of fun. It
would probably drive you insane. Oh after about an hour the noise. If
this is all you hear, If that's all you heard for an entire day,
I don't want to fight someone and you're drinking all day. Yeah,
and you're drinking. That's cannot be understated. I'm here to squatch some p
this is I think about drinking festivity. Yeah, think about how much you
wanted to fight Joe after he kept playing the boys are back in town at
your bathroom party, at every bar, dude. Actually, it would get
to the point where I wanted to fight him, and then like it would
get funny again. I know there was times where it got really but it
went through that swing. Every time. Yeah, you'd just be sitting there.
It'd be like but no, no, no, no, no no
no, And Jake would be like, God, damn it, you're fucking
ruining this Barty like every different bar, every here bar. But no,
no, no, no, no no no no. I like get a
little triggered. Still, there's only one song about the Boys being back,
though, there's plenty of songs about Santa, but only one song about the
boys. Actually, there's not that many songs about Santa. If you think
about it. That is a bit in the South could Park. Yeah,
Santa gets mad at Jesus because he starts singing Duran Durant. Yeah, her
name is Rio and she Yeah, but I didn't see mama kissing Jesus.
Well, it's because your mom's a whore. Your mom is a work as
Jesus is inside of her instead of all of us. Yeah, she's the
Holy Spirit at least, but Jesus is in the Holy Spirit taking both ends.
And then God watches or something. Yeah, God, God's in the
corner. Yeah, jer God's present. God's just cooked, no man,
he's the cuok it Master, the cook it master. Yeah, in the
corner in his chair though. Yeah, there's two little marionettes. Oh he's
the yeah, the cuck it Master. It's in and out of place.
Share two. It's just that black he breathes his own chair. He's actually
that guy from that He's that guy from that gift that like fucking whips out
the lawn chair. Okay, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm thinking
like hotel out of place doesn't go with any of the rest of the decor.
Okay, we all have our own. The important thing is that our
girls getting stuffed up by Christ in the Holy Spirit. And God's watching,
yeah always, But Sanna is always watching too. But Santa is always watching.
Yeah. It's like how the FBI and the NSA are always watching.
Yeah, well that is true. Two separate entities connected certainly, but yeah,
they're getting their own data. Can't sell Santa without a NSA. Mm
hmm. You every think of that? I didn't both very much. Real,
yeah, real, both of them absolutely and Santa. Yeah, Santa
is actually an agent for the NSA. It's sad. He can literally get
into every Americans house. He's been compromised. I think we probably killed him
at some point during the warrant there. Yeah, and we replaced him with
uh an asset an asset. Yeah, Sanna's definitely a three letter asset.
I mean, look at this, how can you trust this? A man
from Turkey who can get into any Americans house, not even Turkish too.
He's Greek, yeah, grew up in Anatolia, lived in Anatolia. I'm
telling you that is the last guy you want in every American It's not not
what you want. We got this new guy. His name's Jim Smith.
He is like a good Christian. Yeah, he is just as Yeah,
we're talking like Lutheran or something. We're not talking Catholic. No, no,
no, no, no, no, you don't want that. No,
he is a full on Protestant. Being ineberated is a common thing for
both Dorian and after the festivities, with people starting to drink early on Christmas
Day and being drunk while fighting. It just sounds like an Irish Christmas say
Irish, it's how Yeah. Yeah, we're all the same. We're all
the same. That's what That's what it comes down to, is everybody for
as different as we are, we have the same core values. Yeah,
drink and traditions, drink and fight, drink, eat, fight, fuck,
drink, be angry. At the people around you. I want to
adopt this death. Okay, I think we should all celebrate talking Nakwis you
just think so because you'd win the fights? We man, I guess it's
it's literally too late this year. We nexture, we got to do a
Christmas sweatshirt. Marry taking Aqui. It's just two Indians beating out of each
other. One. We should do a saturn Alia sweater. We need both.
Yeah, we need non Christmas Christmas sweaters. Yeah, for all the
things that are celebrated around this time. Yeah, sat but Takanaqui. We
should definitely have a Yule timee Lads yule Ads or yule Lads sweater. Yeah,
yule Ads are part of the Sabrina universe. In the New Sabrina Netflix
special, Katie was watching that during Halloween. Oh really, and the Yule
Lads showed up. That's funny, which is our Nordic No, they just
incorporated a lot of different Like it's a terrible show. They just toss a
lot of shit into it. Yeah, they see with what see what sticks?
Yeah? Pretty much? Look at I love. I'm a huge,
like fucking hard on for Kieran and Chipka Love her super hot. But Sally
Draper, Yeah, I never watched mad Men, So I can you you
so like you get to actually see her as an adult? Yeah, I
only know her as an adult. That's so weird to me, because like
I only see her as like an eight year old, right right, right
right, because I watched I have to like clarify that every time, Like,
dude, I think Kieren and Ship gets a fucking smoke show because people
like, dude, didn't you watch mad Men? The Little Girl like she's
like a little girl forever? Yeah, well, and I've seen clips of
her in it since then, and I'm like, her face has not changed.
No, she looks exactly. She has a little kid face, Yeah
she does. But I didn't. I only know her as a fucking adult.
I don't think it would matter to you, honestly, even if you
did watch it. And kidding, I was sitting there rubbing my hands watching
man. All right, Sally all right, As I said earlier, The
origins of the festival are still unclear, but many connected back to the Spanish
invasion in the sixteenth century, when indigenous people and colonizers would come to blow
to settle their scores. Mostly who owns this land. You say it's you,
but here I am. That's so weird. Better better fight it out.
My favorite thing listen, if they were going kind of blow for blow,
fist for fist, I'm okay with that. My favorite shitty political meme
right now, yeah, is a social A lot of socialist accounts posted this
thing where it's like, oh, we want to take your house. They're
like, well, it's my house, you can't have it. Like it's
like some aristocrat lord of the manor They're like, well how do you get
It's like I got it from my father and it's like, well how'd he
get it? He fought for it. It's like, well, we'll fight
you for it. And it's like, I want to kind of put this
out there. If you're like a socialist that thinks everyone should be equal,
yeah, you're not gonna like fighting people for the property. I don't know
if you're gonna be really aware of how that worked out last time, but
uh, socialism didn't win. I've met a lot of people at these fight
gyms. Yeah, they don't lean left, No, they don't No,
Yeah, they don't lean right either. They're just kind of their own thing.
They're Uh, they're insane. They're mostly conspiracy theorists. They're anarco Sigmas.
Uh. Yeah, they're definitely and cap Yeah for sure. Yeah,
I wouldn't say sigmas. No, just complete weirdos. Okay. Anyone that
rolls with other men upsilons a little odd, they're upsalance for sure. Yeah.
I think if anyone who's like is jiu jitsu is their prime marry hobbies
or wrestling to wrestling. Yeah, if you're a D one wrestler, you're
off. If you have Caulflower, You're I'm staying away from you. You
can beat up everybody, but that doesn't mean you should. No, please
stop. Yeah, learning virtue. You can once wrestle anyone except your own
demons with the past. Oh, you're constantly wrestling with them, right,
you can pin anyone except you can pit anyone but your demons. Oh that's
good. Love you Georgia. That wasn't I would even talk about Georgia.
Oh I assumed you were talking directly to him. No, he's actually one
of the cooler Yeah, he's the sweetest guy in the world. Uh.
Two of my favorite wrestlers are Georgia and my buddy Brian. Brian Mitchell is
also a wrestler. Yeah yeah, similar fighting festivities exist in other parts of
Peru and the Bolivian Andies, but they don't happen around Christmas time. So
this is unique in his own way. And they almost kind of rip this
tradition and we're like, we'll do it in they who the Bolivians and okay,
but they moved it. Okay, yeah, yeah, lame fuck off?
What man, what do you do for Easter? Easter is actually April?
So what yeah, what are you doing in made? It's like a
spring start of summer? Better fight? That's stupid that, Chris. I
don't know enough beliving history to answer that. I mean, it's simon South
America. Yeah, the fighters masked enter the fighting arena and call out their
match by first and last name. Okay, so you call out so yeah,
you don't even know sometimes who you're gonna fight that day. You're just
like drinking. You're like, dude, I wonder who's mad at you?
Like, Dave your dog? Shut up by lawn fucking nineteen tides, first
and last name too? Yes? Good here, Steve Harris, Yeah,
that's awesome. The two are ready to duke it out. Their hands are
wrapped in cloth, and the match begins after a handshaker hug. So every
fight starts with every Hug's gotta just be like being superable here. I want
to fucking kill you. Whoop your house. I'm gonna fucking kill you for
what you did this year, you bitch. Yeah, I'm gonna make you
a bitch in front of everybody. Fuck you. All right, good fight,
good fight, let's go. Let's go. Only you kicks, you
got topic, whips, slaps and punches are allowed, but biden hair pulling
and hitting someone while they're down. It's not so. This is no rough
and tumble. No, this is just a good, good old scrap scrap
man. From the videos I watched, it was almost like sparrn uh.
Really a lot of you know, not too intense, not too crazy.
Some did some would escalate. What if some guy was just like so confident
he was gonna win and he just was like, I'm going slaps oly,
just only slap. Only slaps. That's the most disrespectful thing you can do.
Yeah, yeah, it's gotta be it. You're only trying to slap
me, bro, I'm gonna like the other guy's throwing punches and you're just
like dodge. Just a little slap slap fighting. Yeah, as kids,
that was huge for us. Slap fighting. There's what the slap if you
hit somebody hard enough would eventually turn to a real turns into a real fight.
No, one hundred times out of one hundred. The first time you
get your bell rung a little bit, like something triggers every time. Like
I it like when my kid has head butted me before. Like, if
you actually get a real blow to that head, you got to restrain yourself
pretty quickly because like my first instinct is just like fuck and then yeah,
you know, calm down immediately. But it is like that was different than
your little smack or whatever, Like you just hurt me. Is that the
first time you hit Rory? Oh, don't worry about that. No,
but it is really from behind the first time he fucking reared back and head
butted me. Because I wasn't looking for it either. Yeah, I was
just like god, damn it, dude. Yeah, I was doing summer
campshit one time as a camp counselor Yeah, a kid like just shot a
basketball so bad. Yeah, it like hit me in the head. Basically
when you weren't looking. I was looking. Oh, I just like I
didn't think they could shoot it that badly, And I was like, all
right, I want to kill you. He's kid. Growing up, there's
always this kid Mike. I won't say his last name, but shouts to
him sounds Italian. He was Italian. I knew it was. Yeah,
he wasn't a Mikey. He was just a mic older than me. We
all played the same sports, and he always tried to slap fight me every
day, so we would do it. I was always reluctant and I would
beat him in the slap fights. No, he would. He was much
bigger than me, but I would I was I was playing shots. No,
no he was. He was jacked for like a seventh or eighth grader
who was shacked. But I could let I had better hands than him until
it turned into a real fight. He would always just destroy me in the
real fight until it was time to throw a weight around. Yeah. Yeah,
yeah, so he'd want to slap fight you. He'd always try to
like get one back in slap fights every other day, and I would always
hit him well, like better than he would hit me. But then he
just beat then he would just beat my ass. Yeah what why would you
do this? Because I was younger and I didn't have a choice. So
you were bullied by proxy through a slap fight I got. I got bullied
into fighting and then into another fight, fight, into another fight every day.
That's sweet. That's how I grew up. That sounds like the most
filly hellscape of a childhood I've ever heard of. He made me stronger.
Hey, Rejester, come slap me around, a slap fight me? You
touch me? Oh, Mikey d Silva not far off. I knew it
was Italian as soon as you said Mike, I was like, this is
this dude's fucking Italian. I don't want to say his last name because he's
connected. I also saw him in college and uh when I went back,
still big, but he was very nice. Yeah that's good. He's like
acting like you didn't just beat my ass for two straight years. When do
you get a hold against the seventh grader? Yeah? Everything that was a
funny say. When I hear people say shit like that, it's like they
made my life a living hell. And Junior High it's like they don't Junior
High was going to be living hell for you regardless of Yeah, like they
did, they were not operate, like it wasn't if it was a teacher,
sure, but like another fucking twelve year old, like they don't know
what they're doing. Well he was older than they, yeah, two years
older than they. At a seventh grade English teacher asked me why Jesus were
evangelical. I had to like sit there and be like, I don't know,
man, And he's like, well, if there was like a bridge
out down the road, wouldn't you tell someone about it? And it's like,
how's that the same thing? He's like, because you're not saving people.
I was like, that's not what gus. I have this conversation with
a public school teacher, like it's crazy. Did you hear about that public
school teacher the other day who some girl was like, take down you're Israeli
flag and he was like they caught it on audio. He was like slit
her fucking throat to the kid. Yeah, Jesus, Like you're an adult,
sir, don't do that. Yeah, maybe don't at A man teacher
fired like the year after I graduated high school for telling some kid to slit
his own risks. That's hilarious. Yeah, I'm sorry, it's not funny,
but like it's funny. It's kind of fun he was, he was
like doing I think so. I think I told s over there like he
was like, I think it was like fucking with him. He was like
punned right with and he's like, slit your own wrists and ride it in
fucking blood. That's insane. Yeah, and they're different time, Jake,
it was a different time. This was probably like in the last twenty years.
This happened like two thousand and five. Yeah. We went to Catholic
school for elementary, so I'll get I get my ass beat by teachers.
They would lay their hands on me. We also definitely had Yeah, he'd
like be yanked that type of thing. We didn't have that kind of shit.
I didn't known tell me I was going to Hell good. I was
in eighth Graderit good. Good, you're in a religious school. You should
be worried about that. Ship let him know, Well, I was going
to public high school. That's what it was. Yeah. Oh, she
was concerned for my soul because I was going to public high school. Was
right. I couldn't afford to go to like Cardinal Hair for ten grand a
year. Why didn't you just tie that? Is your tithe ten grand a
year to get paid up pay for the Catholic high school? Is the tithing?
Yeah, I felt like if not, I'm making that. People don't
realize that, like Catholic elementary school in grade school cheap, really affordable,
super affordable high schools where they get you. Yeah. But yeah, like
if you can't afford the tuition, you can tie a certain amount. No,
that's that that's how it wasn't like Florida. Well that sounds fair.
Yeah, but you guys got bright futures. If you had a pulse and
you got over like a two to five, they just paid for your college.
Like, that's off, that's not true. It was you'd have to
have over a three eight. It was a three. Like I had so
many kids in my fraternity that retarded in seventy five percent of their education.
Was Oh, you're saying maintaining the bright features. Yes, all you had
to do is maintain a three to zero and you your tuition was good pretty
much. Yeah, it was awesome. I like, I would drop a
lot at three point zero, but if you brought it back up by a
certain point, so I'd always like for the fall, like a little probation
period. Yeah, for the fall, I'd always slip under it. Yeah,
get it above like Okay, your account's over drawn, just move the
money or saving. Yeah, but still going out of state in Florida was
cheaper than going in state in like penn State. Yeah. And also like
what public school would you want to go to in Pennsylvania besides Penn State.
I feel like the rest are slippery rock Temple I Temple Public. Yeah,
that was privately. I thought it was probably it sounds super any any I
that doesn't have a state's name in it, I think it's privately. That
and if it's in a city. If it's in a city, I almost
automatically assume it's private. I can understand that they'll nova's very private, but
it's not in the city. It's main line. But it's like in metro
Philly, you know what I mean, it's not its own separate right thing.
Yeah, I get you t T I l today today I learned you
call it Temple State, Temple States. Yeah, it sounds like a university
in Tel Aviv. Bill Cosby and John Cheney and dip for a little bit.
I think dipple as bunch of u CF for a year, way more
on brand, very much on brand. Honestly, would be great if he
was like Arizona State UCF. Just hit up all the parties. Yeah,
the arena is filled with judges holding whips. Sweet, So what you can't
leave until the fight's over. You get whipped if you get too close to
the it's for crowd control. Okay, get back in case like a family
member or French trise to jump in. That's awesome, that's fantastic. That's
a good rule. That's the job you want with boy. Crowd whip.
Yeah, yeah, they should actually just do that at golf. They're like
a guy with a quiet please, bunch of some fucking douchebags, like good,
yeah, whip to the fucking just see some fucking forty five year old
dude and slacks just hit the turf. Yeah that's what I want. Yeah,
his Mike Ultra explodes on the ground. Yeah, that's that should happen.
Just think it. Back to the TPCSS Scottsdale. But that's the one
where it's allowed. They they do these turns through that at like every tournament.
Now they really do potatoes that's so dumb. Howard Stern you know that,
right? Why do they do that? I don't know. Bo is
definitely Howard Baba Bo, Howard Stern's penis. They're just like yelled out at
press conferences or wherever just to get on TV's so dumb y'all softcore history.
If you're at a wait, what what's the yell for us? Oh?
Man, was there shoot Judge? Shoot Judge? Tatoes all this time?
We might get a season desist for that. Yeah, we don't want to
keep that on the radar. Was it Jeff Don and Ron Ron Don and
Jeff Yeah, it would be good or just like Justice for Topsy, Justice
for Topsy would be a good one. People are just gonna think that's Bob's
Burgers though, Oh they would do is top or Yeah, Bob's Burgers just
has like they have a Topsy episode. I know they have a Topsy episode,
but they just they own Topsy. Now it's the most prominent featuring of
tops. No media, we are no, not even close, not even
fun. Eventually we will be Yeah, no, maybe I doubt it.
Yeah, probably not. Sorry, that's a network television show, you're kidding.
Unless we get our own show mout tops. Yeah. The fights are
about proven to the community you are dependable and ready to protect yourself and love
ones against injustice, stolen lover, sheep, food, daily hardships. The
festival seeks to resolve conflict, strength and community bonds and hopefully arrive at a
greater piece. On the day of Takanakui, social status is suspended. The
bosses fight the employees still into it. The waiter fights the merchant, the
sisters fight each other. Of course, people of every age from small children
to old bastards and any gender can participate. If is there cross gender fighting,
I have not seen that. Okay, I feel like they wouldn't do
that in Peru. Yeah. And if this is your first talk and Aqui,
you have to in the infant round. Yeah we should, Yes,
we should go and have to fight. Yeah, that should be an episode
of our show once, once we get our show. What's our TV show
goes? Yeah? Yeah, all right, now, hey, when what
are we doing the TV show? We have to uh, we'll talk about
it. I do like the idea that you can see like seventy year old
guys just thrown down and then you have like seven year old kids yeah,
well that's the next fight. It's just fight quick. Yeah, it's quick
turnaround too. Well, let's see a peep of street beefs, right,
like, you got me turned onto street beefs, and like there will often
be like very fit mma fighter dude's but then sometimes it's like fifty five year
old dads. Right, they're not off the shift, they're not in shape,
right, yeah at the supermarket, they don't even change. I watched
a dude in slides beat up a guy in jim shorts, like, and
they were just fat dads. Hell, yeah, you don't want to fight
a guy in slides. No, got comfortable swinging and slides. Yeah,
the guy it's comfortable kicking and slides. Yep, it's incredible. That's like
the most iconic scene in The Ultimate Fighter with chel Son and is he takes
a guy down with flip flops on nothing you can do there. No,
you're you're getting smoked if that guy can get you in flip flops. Not
yeah, that's over. You're You're lucky he didn't wear a harder shoe.
Yeah, because you're just dead. Honestly, it's probably you're lucky. It's
probably not barefoot. Yeah, When you do go out, though, and
you decide to wear flip flops, you are choosing non violence because you don't
want to fight anybody in flip flops. No, you're like, I hope
I don't get robbed, but I don't have to do anything quickly. Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I honestly make a concidered choice or like a conscious
choice too, uh on the type of shoe I wear when I take my
kids somewhere in case they like run away from me or we get in a
car accident or something like, probably shouldn't wear birken stocks while I'm driving them
to the you know what, out to the store. You're at the public
park and he's running towards the road. You're in flip flops. You have
to try to dishes flops. Yeah, yeah, like you can't, like
I have to be like, oh, I should probably wear like tennis shoots
or something. Yeah, for everything, Like I shouldn't even like or if
like the boots too heavy, it'd be like like I could chase my kid
down a very big barefoot person Like personally, I would love to be put
up the mitochondria, that's right. Well, I mean like most of the
time I'm in barefoot, Like if I'm around the house, if I go
outside on barefoot, it's floor to thing. I'm pretty barefoot off like the
major I socked foot. I get cold very easily. Socked foot in the
yard. No, not in the yard. Oh. I was like,
that's a psycho move. No, yeah, that's horrible. I just put
on my berks for that. But I only have socks when I have sex
feet warm. Yeah, it's not good for the erection to have cold feet.
Well, I put it. You put it around your balls. The
sock. Yeah, the ball sock. Yeah, the ball sock around your
balls. That's a different sock. Yeah, but it's still sock. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, what were you talking about. We're talking about shoe
choices. You're fighting, Yeah, just for daily Yeah. I used to
golf barefoot for a while until John Daly. I just I could. I
could get away with it. In Florida. It was nice, But then
they had hooke bear fin over here. They treated the greens that I was
golfing at the course. I was golfing at my feet like peeled for a
week from the sand, from the chemicals, from the chemicals that they were
using to treat the and yeah they punched it though. Well no, they
were treating the grass though with like past the side, and that's uh.
My dad was golfing once. He had a similar situation. He wasn't barefoot
like a fucking hillbilly, but him and his him and my uncles put their
cigars down on the green to put it's being treated, picked the scars back
up and smoked them. They were all violently ill. I've golfed barefoot,
I've golfed shirtless. That's the beauty of the municipal golf course. That's right,
that's what I don't. I don't go off private. Are you kidding
me? No? Fourteen bucks for eighteen way two stuff? Yeah, but
I'm gonna pay no more than like thirty five dollars a round. Yeah easy,
but no. Yeah, I used to look like a little huckman.
I'd walk around barefoot with a dip in for high school golf practice. Hell
yeah, because there's no adults around, you're going and playing by yourself.
Yeah, in practice, it's fantastic. My golf coach was my dad's golf
coach, so he's a he was an adult. He was like eighty Yeah,
but he wasn't like with you the whole time. Would you guys play
together? No, Whenever I did something stupid in a match, he would
somehow be there. Like I would throw a club and he would just pop
out of it somehow in his golf car. Yeah, come out with the
bush. And that's not the spirit of the game that golf call good.
Throwing clubs is fucking lame. It is it is Lamb. We had a
kid that I don't get mad at golf anim This was in high school.
I was a different person, the kid that barely broke ninety that would snap
his club sometimes It'd be like, dude, you barely break ninety. Now
I'm than this. No, you're not, and you're not, dude,
this is as good as you're ever gonna be. I've accepted that. With
my older age, nothing really obsessed Marik. It's me too tuned up.
But like a fucking I mean, a seventeen year old that can barely shoot
under like eighty eight shouldn't know that he's not going anywhere with golf. Like,
if you're not breaking fucking par like at eighteen, you're not. I
think you can get a scholarship if you can shoot like under over three over,
Yeah, like a D one scholarship. No, okay, maybe D
one. You gotta be shoot because there's definitely on like if you have the
tools, like if you can drive the fuck out of the ball on yourself,
shooting like two or three over. But you're oh, you're fine.
If you're raw, Yeah, somebody will take you yeaheah, but you're not.
If you're not shooting scratch, you're not gonna D one. And there's
a huge difference between scratch golfer and a pro golfer. Absolutely, it's immense.
There's an immense gap. We're talking pro golfers are like plus handicaps,
but it's it's more than that for sure. I mean we can get we
can get a lot of that. Let's get back to the fights. No,
no, no golf. Each fight it's typically very quick, sometimes lasts
less than a minute. The match. These people don't know stam enough for
they don't. Yeah, they're harmer too, Yeah yeah, yeah, they're
drunk and they're normal. I want to see a hammered toddler just throw hands,
and I guarantee they're drunk to they're probably just taking naps at that point.
If they're a toddler, hammeron, toddler is asleep, they're still fighting
fighting their sleep. No, they're fighting and then they go taking out.
They're fighting live tak a nap in their in their mom's arms. Yeah.
The match ends when a fighter is rendered out of commission or by decision of
the whip wielding judge. So he just whips it and he's like, fight
over. They can, okay, cool, But the whips again are for
crowd control for the most part. It's like my homies trying to jump in
stay back, give me one that job. The fight must end with a
handshaker hug, and hopefully the person is conscious enough to do so. Afterwards,
if someone disagrees with the outcome of the fight, he or she can
appeal for another fight. Mean, disagree with the outcome, like if it
goes to points, goes to the yeah, it goes to the whip.
If it goes the whip, then yeah. No. If they just didn't
like how it went down, if they got like their fault, yeah,
but you can still you can. The next taking aku is they're angry about
how the last takanaqui went. Just wait at your motherfuckers sounds like a vicious
cycle. Yeah, you just trained for a year. Yeah, you're like
little Rocky Montage. I'll see you next Christmas. Motherfucker. That'd be over.
That'd be a funny bit. Like in July, someone pisses someone else
off, like your neighbor, and then like for the next five months,
they're just like looking at you, like yeah, carrying aside of beef up
the fucking mountains, like fucking you dude. Yeah, goat on the shoulders.
Yeah. You can also settle disputes, legal disputes, with property disputes,
with these fights. So quite literally, this is my land. Yeah
I'm here. That's because again the nearest court is twelve hours away. I
mean that they're like, no lawyers, none of this. It's just nonsense.
We're not gonna get tied up in legal fees. Imagine one on one
combat for your wife. Good lord, I mentioned the cost of getting to
a court is more detrimental than just having a fight over it. How is
there just not a court nearby? They're in a town. What do you
mean that is the court? There's only like three police officers if they have
caught I mean, god damn no, the court is the Takanaqui Santodamas.
Like, there's restaurants in this town. I'm looking at it on the map.
There's a hospital. They don't have a court. They chose this life.
They're an old school people. They chose this life. I kind of
liked this life. I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm saying it seems like
a conscious choice to not have a I mean, there's a bar. This
is a bar in the town. They don't like. There's this this food
from the boss on Google maps the courts, that's fantastic. Yeah, they
don't like govern big government. I like this. Just play to meat and
fries. Get your politics out here. Yeah, we should go here.
We should go here. Sounds like a good time. Yeah, hell yeah,
look at this. They got cocktails. They don't have a court.
Okay, why are you acting like cocktails and courthouses, margaritas, frozen margarita
machine. I bet a fucking court. Yeah, dude, have you ever
been to fucking like Cabo. They have plenty of frozen marks. I don't.
I don't remember a courthouse on the resort grounds. Like, why why
are these things they have to exist together? For you? In your mind?
A justice system seems harder to kind of put together than a frozen content.
Dude, you're telling like, it just seems like they have a lot
of amenity. Why does Applebee's have their own magna carta like, like they
have a lot of amenities. I don't understand. I mean, there's TVs
in here, you can watch the game, and these are things that have
to exist together. I can't have a little hut with a fucking arbitrator in
it. That's how easy it is. Why would they have that when they
have takanaqui. I guess, man, you don't need to say you have
takos Like. It's not like, oh, they can't have it because they're
so far away. They clearly have so many other things that they scrapped on
the back people. They put it on the back of a donkey and made
it go twelve hours. Yeah, you can't just do an arbitrator in a
court system on the back of a donkey. It's yes, you can't.
They could train one live there, train a donkey. No, they trained
the arbitrator and then he rides the donkey. We're gonna listen. They're very
distrusting of the government. They don't listen to. They don't listen to the
rest of Peru. They live by the rules of how you feel about it.
The existence of a frozen margerita does not necessitate the existence of a court
system. I'm just saying they shouldn't you if you're if your town has a
frozen margarita. No, However, this sentence goes, if your town has
a frozen margarita machine, then a twelve hour drive is no excuse to not
have a judge in your town. That's not true. I could buy a
margaritaville and live in the desert, right, so now a judge should exist
there. If you have access to a frozen margarita machine, you should be
able to have access to a judge. What kind of fuck for? Because
a frozen margarita machine is so fucking superfluous that what the fuck would it be
there? And something likesity necessity to civil society, an arbitrator, a judge
wouldn't be there. I just don't think you get it. It doesn't matter.
I don't think you get the point I'm making, which is there not
have a judge. They don't not have a judge because they can't have one.
They don't have a judge because they don't want one, is what I'm
saying. Because if they wanted they they wanted a frozen margarita machine, and
they got that. If they wanted they wanted to have judge, they could
get that. But that's a whole separate person. Like, uh, a
frozen margarity machine is a machine? What's he there? There? So what?
So? What of them could be a judge? No, that's not
how it works. Just like I this arbitrary point to judge. Yeah,
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Bros. The fighters with grudges settled in sore hands, heads and bodies will
then proceed to drink more on the very merry Christmas Day. The government of
Lima has tried to eradicate Takanaqui. I know an easy way they can do
that. Just send a judge along with the next Margarita machine you get.
By the way, as an object of one of those is a person,
right, twenty six thousand people live in this town. Yeah, that's more
of an argument than the frozen mark machine. I would just put forward that
the fact they have no court and there's twenty six thousand people. I think
that there's no way you could appoint a judge. Oh, it's twelve hours
away. Is you know the rule if you're more than twelve hours away from
something, you can't have a judge. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't
think one. I guarantee there's a core house there. I guarant would imagine.
I guarantee you there is. I'm sure they there's a way to defer
arbitration to takanaqui legally trial by combat. It's only that they're like, hey,
it's not like a oh we can we have to do takanaqui because there's
no way else to do this. It's hey, do you want to avoid
court fees and just do it Takanaqui style? And they are like, yeah,
for sure, are you telling me these articles lied to me? No,
I'm just saying, like, I think you're misinterpreting it. What if
I'm not? What if you're not. There's a good chance you're not.
There might be a very good chance. They don't have a courthouse. They
have a pretty sweet city hall. Look at this all they have a place
to make laws. Look at this old Spanish mission. That's cool, that's
pretty cool. Yeah, this town actually seems sweet. Yeah we should go
there. It's really hard to get to. This is the meat and fries.
They fucking got a margarine. I don't know, Well, you know,
yeah, you're right, you know what Rob, Rob, You're right
if if a margarita machine just exists in space, there should be an arbitrator
nearby. Well, here's the thing. People and Cuzco and a lot of
urban areas in the rest of Peru have adopted this practice and are now taking
part of the originally indigenous cultural custom. Okay, they have their spin classes
in this town. If there's a spin class on Pluto, there should be
a judge there too. I guess this is the dumbest target. It's not
up because you've got so far down the line. You have a spin class,
how did you skip courthouse? Say you have a space station and there's
a fucking margarita machine on it. Do you need a judge up there too?
This audio is gonna be so blown out. Do you need a judge
in the space station and one of the things on it is spinning? Cool?
They ride stationary bikes. That's a poor gym. Yoga. I'm just
saying. I'm just saying this. There is yoga in plenty of places without
judges. Half of India. Bro Oh, they have a pizzeria. The
idea is they're mostly poor, this seems like, and they can't afford legal
fees. I think somebody's you know, exaggerating a little bit. Not you,
whoever you, who ever told you this, Like, oh, we're
so cool, we have to fight. They're just like leave spin class.
They're like, okay, let's fight. We'll have to investigate ourselves. We
have to dictate whether or not this is true. Ride three boroughs to Santo
to Santo Toamas. This practice has cross class barriers, and people of middle
and upper class are now taking part of the celebration. There's a similar event
in Bolivia and called Tinku. The event takes place in May. Like I
said earlier, in the village of Patasi. This practice is very similar to
takanaqui. However, the women rarely fight in the fights between men and are
usually larger brawls. It's a little bit more intense. This is more civil,
one on one combat. Sometimes it breaks out to somebody jumping in,
maybe a few friends jumping in. Women participate, old people, children of
all ages. And I think this is an awesome tradition that we should all
adopt, and we should get rid of courthouses. No more courthouses, all
trial by I'm okay, replace every courthouse with a Margarita. I was,
We'll say, replace every courthouse with the island drink just the Margaritaville. Yeah,
no, just to drive through Margaritaville. Yeah, so I only you
can You can't actually go inside and drink there, you can only drive through.
I think this place is really really popular to visit because there are I'm
literally just looking at the Google maps right now, there's like twenty hostels.
Whoa, I mean there are a fuck ton so it's probably beautiful. W's
there be like a PF. Chang's there, but like there's no courthouse.
Get there and they're like this is ludicrous. Yeah, it's the McDonald's.
Yeah, what do they say? Two countries with the McDonald's never fought each
other. It's like any town with the McDonald's doesn't have trial by combat.
Yeah, it's true. What'd you guys learning today? I learned that this
place is a liar about how remote it is. It's like you know what
you get in New Orleans're like, oh, ever, since Katrino, we
can't have credit card payments, split payments. Well, we're twelve miles away
from a courthouse, so we fight. Yeah, like you like here,
like it's dude, that was eighteen years ago, two thousand and five.
Yeah, and you're telling me you can take credit card payments, but you
can't split them because of Katrina. That could Katrina? I mean they did
that for years, dude. They still blame shit on Katrina. In New
Orleans. It's hilarious, Like, I love it. It's good out.
It's ever since Katrina, there's always been rats in the kitchen, like since
yeah, you know how it is, Ever since Katrina. The casinos fallover.
You know why you should do that with Pearl Harbor. Ever since Pearl
Harbor Man, you know, the Arizona it's kind of messing with stuff still
down there. Oh, ever since the Alamo. You know, we just
can't get it together here in San Antonio. All right? Yeah, what
did I learn? I learned that Rob has a really weird idea of how
judges should be implemented. I think what I was saying makes perfect sense.
When you get your bartender license, you should also be here's a judge.
Yeah, if there's a TAB certified person in your town, there should be
a judge there. I feel I'm just saying, I feel like if you
don't have a judge, but have certain amenities. You may have skipped a
step, possibly on purpose, and for that I'm thankful for it. Who's
hitler? Who's hitler? To they? I don't even know, no one,
no one. If you anyone who gets whipped in the face, no,
no, no, for trying to jump in. Yeah. Yeah,
I'm gonna say any type of modernization of the city, of any modernization,
I'm I got bad news for you. It's it's pretty decent. It's getting
They're they're losing their their tradition, the core of their their town. Dude,
apparently. I mean, I'll just look down the main road here on
I thirty five. Maybe it's too far gone, do you think so?
Maybe this was like totally remote five years ago people heard about her. Now
they've done like a pilgrimage to fight. It's like like a bunch of like
ski towns in Colorado, you know what I mean That we're like these gorgeous
little small towns are just getting like obliterated by people moving there. I mean,
look, it's not it's definitely you know, it's definitely in Peru,
but it's not the not the worst little town square that's cool. Yeah,
I would definitely drink all week, dance in the streets, and then have
a fight, then fight around the world. Yeah, especially because I think
they're a little smaller than us. They're scrappier though, they're like little Oh
they are like knives in the way, much more hardened there. They're They're
just little balls of muscle that go fast. I got to reach though,
Dude, there's there's no way they're taller than like they're six they're Oh man,
they have a bullfighting arena. That's typically where they have the fights.
Oh well, it's in that little pit this m hm oh, dude,
we gotta go to this. Look at this. That's sick. Yeah,
but there's a bulb like on top. I think it is used for bude.
You imagine we get some like coca and just like go to the fights
and the Takanaqui fights. However much coke we do, they're gonna have.
They're gonna be on way more and we should fight somebody for their land.
Get up, you just own it. Now, get a vacation rental property.
Mine for their time share. Yeah hell yeah. If you buy timeshare,
you should have to fight for it for every every year. I don't
want this week. I want that week. All right. Well that's all
I got for today's episode. Thanks for tuning in again. Make sure to
check out pictureon dot com slash software history for two episodes a week. Additionally,
we also have Merchant Software History dot com. Leave a review on Apple
and Spotify. Please and thank you five stars if he can, and yeah,
we love you guys. Happy holidays. I hope you have a wonderful
time with your family, your friends, yourself. Really, you're unlucky enough
Jesus Sorry, guys. Enjoy your own presence though, you know, sometimes
being alone is the best it is. Man. Yeah, this guy will
fucked you up. He doesn't look big, but he looks mean. He
does look mean. Yeah, I think you gotta you target somebody that's older,
smaller, weaker. Well, here's like the town, the village idiot.
Get this guy. You fight the hammer guy. Yeah, although he
might not be able to feel anything, so he just comes at you like
a zombie. Yeah, just keep knocking him down. He keeps getting back
up. Dust himself off. I ain't hear no bell, all right,
but I think I did just hear the bell for this podcast. So for
Jake Goldman and Rob Fox I'm damn Rochester and you just got off served