WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.240 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, The 2 00:00:04.320 --> 00:00:12.359 Doctor Wendy Wall Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app, Doctor Doctor, Kimmy 3 00:00:12.480 --> 00:00:20.120 the News. I gotta loving you KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor 4 00:00:20.120 --> 00:00:24.160 Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendywall Show. I gotta tell 5 00:00:24.199 --> 00:00:27.839 you, guys a secret. One time I got on an airplane American Airlines 6 00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:33.039 flight and the flight attendants we're all female. You're not surprised by that, 7 00:00:33.840 --> 00:00:37.960 but the pilot and the co pilot we're also female. I felt so safe. 8 00:00:38.280 --> 00:00:42.039 Guess what you should feel safe right now because the entire crew of KFI 9 00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:45.960 is female. Hey, Robin, how you doing? Robin on the soundboard. 10 00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:49.840 Good to see you, Ashley Johnson. Welcome to the Dr Wendywall Show. 11 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:54.079 Such a treat. Of course, we've got producer Kayla running around somewhere. 12 00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:57.719 She'll be back in the studio in a minute. So if you think 13 00:00:57.719 --> 00:01:00.640 that things are going well in radio, it's because you got four women at 14 00:01:00.719 --> 00:01:04.079 the controls. Okay, you're going to be fine. Sit back, because 15 00:01:04.159 --> 00:01:08.280 we are going to talk about your love life. How much does age really 16 00:01:08.319 --> 00:01:12.400 matter? In a relationship. I get calls all the time and emails about 17 00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:17.560 the age gap thing. What about the opinions of others? You know, 18 00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:23.200 I've always said that relationships are a bridge between tribes. So if your friends 19 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:27.000 or family aren't getting behind your new person, what do you do? Also, 20 00:01:29.159 --> 00:01:32.040 we hear a lot about red flags, red flags, red flags in 21 00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:34.560 relationship, don't go further. I saw a red flag. What about green 22 00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:40.400 flags? When you meet somebody new, how do you recognize that this is 23 00:01:40.599 --> 00:01:45.040 a place you should keep moving forward? But before we get going, I 24 00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:48.200 want to talk a little bit about what happened to me this week. I 25 00:01:48.239 --> 00:01:53.920 did something rare for me. I scheduled some fun. I'm not joking. 26 00:01:55.159 --> 00:02:00.519 I scheduled some fun. Here's the thing, as we get to a certain 27 00:02:00.560 --> 00:02:06.519 age, everything in our life is either serving others, caregiving kids, family, 28 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:13.639 working, surviving, paying bills, sitting on LA freeways. But when 29 00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:17.319 you know, when you're young, you're running out to clubs. I as 30 00:02:17.360 --> 00:02:22.159 I go to sleep at ten o'clock at night, I jokingly but not so, 31 00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:23.800 say to Julio, do you remember the days we would go to a 32 00:02:23.840 --> 00:02:29.520 club that opened at midnight like it just started. The door's opened at midnight, 33 00:02:29.800 --> 00:02:31.919 and he's like, I couldn't imagine that. I couldn't imagine. And 34 00:02:32.000 --> 00:02:36.400 so we used to have fun all the time when we were young. We 35 00:02:36.439 --> 00:02:38.400 didn't care if we were tired. We didn't care. No, I'm going 36 00:02:38.439 --> 00:02:42.319 to tell you the craziest story that my roommate and I did. One time. 37 00:02:42.360 --> 00:02:45.120 We're both at separate offices working. I think I was working for HBO 38 00:02:45.199 --> 00:02:47.840 at the time. She was working in Century City, and somebody called me. 39 00:02:49.120 --> 00:02:51.479 Okay, he was an Olympic athlete and he said, hey, I'm 40 00:02:51.520 --> 00:02:54.360 in Vegas. You want to bring friend and kamalace party tonight? And I 41 00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:57.879 call he goes, I can get you a flight right out of Burbank right 42 00:02:57.919 --> 00:03:00.719 after work, you know. So I call my roomate up and I say, 43 00:03:00.199 --> 00:03:02.800 hey, do you have a wild hair? And she goes, well, 44 00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:06.199 I had a pregnancy at fifteen. I guess I do. And I 45 00:03:06.280 --> 00:03:09.080 said, okay, okay, let's go, And so we went. We 46 00:03:09.120 --> 00:03:13.960 got on this plane right after work onlike a freaking Tuesday, like the boring 47 00:03:14.000 --> 00:03:16.759 week. We fly to Vegas. All right. We party all night with 48 00:03:16.879 --> 00:03:20.960 the I am and his friends, and we have a great old time and 49 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:23.879 then we catch a flight the next morning. We get to our hotel room 50 00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:25.879 before because we get you know, we got like three three hours sleep, 51 00:03:25.879 --> 00:03:30.000 maybe four hours sleep, and we look at each other. Then we had 52 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:32.360 picked up the little vanity kit at the airport with the toothbrush and deorderant, 53 00:03:32.360 --> 00:03:36.280 the mini things we needed, and we looked at each other and we said, 54 00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:39.439 we forgot to bring clothes, like we have to go back to work 55 00:03:39.479 --> 00:03:45.280 tomorrow with the walk of shame wearing the same outfit from the day before. 56 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:49.439 And we looked at each other and said, let's switch. And we just 57 00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:52.599 wore each other's clothes to work the next day. So there you go. 58 00:03:52.680 --> 00:03:58.919 We had fun then, But now raising kids, managing household, managing business, 59 00:03:58.960 --> 00:04:00.520 who has time for fun? Well, let me tell you the fun 60 00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:04.919 that I scheduled this week. I actually went on a tour of a farm. 61 00:04:05.000 --> 00:04:08.319 Okay, don't laugh, it's a different life. Now. Have you 62 00:04:08.360 --> 00:04:11.840 ever heard of apricot lane farms? You probably see them at one of five 63 00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:16.439 farmers' markets. There's a great documentary called My Biggest Little Farm that you should 64 00:04:16.439 --> 00:04:23.319 see. In a nutshell, a female chef from Santa Monica married to a 65 00:04:23.360 --> 00:04:29.720 wildlife videographer living in an apartment growing vegetables on a tiny balcony. Decided, 66 00:04:30.279 --> 00:04:32.120 I don't know how they did this part. They had a lot of parties 67 00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:34.120 with a lot of friends and begged for a lot of money, and somehow 68 00:04:34.199 --> 00:04:39.600 some venture capital came into their lap and they bought two hundred and thirty five 69 00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:42.839 dead acres up in More Park. When I say dead, I mean dead. 70 00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:45.839 It was like sand. It was the Sahara. And they started to 71 00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:50.600 learn about soil health. The documentary is hysterical because they are stumbling, bumbling 72 00:04:50.680 --> 00:04:56.160 farmers, but it is a very successful enterprise today and people line up to 73 00:04:56.160 --> 00:04:59.560 get tickets to tour it. Yes, if you've seen the documentary, Emma 74 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:02.079 the pig has passed away, but you can visit her grave. We saw 75 00:05:02.879 --> 00:05:09.279 cute at little lambs and chickens. I learned more about soil and how soil 76 00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:12.480 can save the planet. I don't have to tell you that round up is 77 00:05:12.519 --> 00:05:15.720 everywhere in glypha, sate, pesticide, whatever they are, we things. 78 00:05:15.879 --> 00:05:19.639 They're bad, bad, bad bad, Okay, And so did you know 79 00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:24.199 if you keep good soil and you compost and you put your good, healthy 80 00:05:24.240 --> 00:05:29.519 microbe soil on your property, it actually they attack, They attack the glypha 81 00:05:29.560 --> 00:05:31.399 sate so they can't come and get you. Oh no, you think this 82 00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:35.800 is boring. This was totally fun for me. This was so exciting and 83 00:05:35.959 --> 00:05:41.680 fun. So it is really important that we take time to pleasure. I'm 84 00:05:41.680 --> 00:05:44.319 not watching the clock, Robin, Are you telling me when I stop talking? 85 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:46.759 By the way, just letting you know. Oh, there's Kayla watching 86 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:53.600 the clock. Okay. I love to ramble on the radio. I've been 87 00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:57.839 doing radio for ten years now, and I have not learned how to talk 88 00:05:58.519 --> 00:06:00.920 and watch a clock. It is the craziest thing, and yet it's all 89 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:05.720 about the clock. So that's why I have an army of professional women around 90 00:06:05.720 --> 00:06:12.040 me who hold up fingers and make rap sound. Not that finger, Kayla's 91 00:06:12.199 --> 00:06:15.279 so professional. No professional finger, she gives me. No, she holds 92 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:18.639 aout how many minutes left and whatever? Whatever. Okay, I want to 93 00:06:18.680 --> 00:06:24.240 get back to fun for a little bit. You know what. Having fun, 94 00:06:25.079 --> 00:06:31.639 truly experiencing pleasure and joy in life is just as important to the human 95 00:06:31.720 --> 00:06:39.759 experience as being productive, and there is research to support that having fun has 96 00:06:39.879 --> 00:06:46.920 positive biological effects. When we do something pleasurable, it releases dopamine. Dopamine 97 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:51.319 leads to positivity and this counteracts all those awful feelings that we have. We 98 00:06:51.399 --> 00:06:57.040 all have them. We have feelings of hopelessness. Sometimes we have feelings of 99 00:06:57.079 --> 00:07:00.000 stress, we have feelings of anxiety. This might be a moment for me 100 00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:03.000 to pause and say, you know you're supposed to have a whole rainbow of 101 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:06.319 feelings, right. You know you're not supposed to be happy all the time, 102 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:09.720 because if you were happy all the time, you would not recognize it. 103 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:16.199 But when we have the less comfortable feelings, we should learn coping strategies. 104 00:07:16.680 --> 00:07:21.639 We should learn how to manage those feelings, having enough daily buffers in 105 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:27.639 so that we don't sink into the depths of despair. One of my favorite 106 00:07:27.959 --> 00:07:30.759 daily buffers is to have a couple friends on speed dial. We all have 107 00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:35.040 one or two friends this way who are just hysterical. No matter what trouble 108 00:07:35.079 --> 00:07:39.560 you call them with, they actually crack you up. They manage to turn 109 00:07:39.600 --> 00:07:43.279 it into something funny. I keep those people when I need to. But 110 00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:47.959 touring Apricot Lane Farms in Moore Park was my special fun this week and I 111 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:53.639 loved it. And don't laugh, Okay, A bought a bag of soil. 112 00:07:54.160 --> 00:07:57.560 A bought a bag of soil composted soil. So I'm going to change 113 00:07:57.560 --> 00:08:00.759 the plan. I'm gonna make compost t I go to put it in my 114 00:08:00.879 --> 00:08:05.399 gardens. All right, now, let's talk about our relationships. Well, 115 00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:09.839 you know, our mental health is important too. Why do we have these 116 00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:15.079 dating what we know about deal breakers right that list, But why do we 117 00:08:15.120 --> 00:08:20.639 have dating deal makers? And why when you find that one person that you're 118 00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:24.600 attracted to and you're like, oh, they have this one thing, so 119 00:08:24.879 --> 00:08:28.120 they must be great. Why does that happen? I'm going to explain when 120 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:35.120 we come back, why we have a dating deal makers. You're listening to 121 00:08:35.399 --> 00:08:41.039 doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI Am six forty. I don't know. 122 00:08:41.080 --> 00:08:46.960 I've been talking about hashtag where's Milania all of twenty twenty four because she flippin' 123 00:08:46.039 --> 00:08:52.759 disappeared. Remember we reported back in November that Milania Trump had renegotiated her performance 124 00:08:52.759 --> 00:08:58.639 contract I mean her prenuptial agreement. Apparently her appearance, I mean her prenuptial 125 00:08:58.639 --> 00:09:05.200 agreement was up for renewal and she did it. We don't know what was 126 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:09.600 in it. That was November. Then she was not there at New Year's 127 00:09:09.799 --> 00:09:13.279 and at mar a lago. He made a comment about her mom being in 128 00:09:13.320 --> 00:09:16.799 the hospital, and then her mom died sadly on January ninth. But then 129 00:09:18.039 --> 00:09:22.840 February March April, we like never heard of her. So Saturday night she 130 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:26.600 shows up at a fundraiser with him in Palm Beach. There's a picture in 131 00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:31.279 the New York Times. You guys have to go look at Okay, it's 132 00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:35.120 probably all over. They posed for a photo op in front of somebody's mansion 133 00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:41.799 who held this event. And I'm not a body language expert by any means, 134 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:46.600 but anybody with eyeballs can look at this and go, this is not 135 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:50.679 a happy couple. This is not even a couple. They are standing far 136 00:09:50.720 --> 00:09:54.399 away from each other. They're not touching each other and not looking at each 137 00:09:54.399 --> 00:09:58.639 other. They look like a couple who've just had a big fight and had 138 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:03.320 to go stand out for a It's weird, right, Kayla. I mean 139 00:10:03.480 --> 00:10:07.080 you say look like they are enemies. I'm definitely not a married couple. 140 00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:11.120 It's so interesting anyway, just throwing that out there. I watch couples. 141 00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:16.360 I swear I can sit in a restaurant and I can look at couples and 142 00:10:16.440 --> 00:10:20.320 tell you who's dating, who's bored with each other, who's about to get 143 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:24.600 divorced, who's happy. It's just so easy because I just almost have like 144 00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:30.480 a savant like knowledge, only because I myself was so damaged for so many 145 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:33.960 years and lived in those kinds of relationships, and then, thankfully, through 146 00:10:33.960 --> 00:10:39.919 the help of a good therapist, I was able to heal. And I'm 147 00:10:39.960 --> 00:10:43.480 always asking my question about love, Why? Why this person? Really? 148 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:48.519 What is love? First of all, when somebody says to me, I'm 149 00:10:48.679 --> 00:10:54.080 just looking for my soulmate, I want to throw up. I'm sorry. 150 00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:58.279 There's no such thing as a soulmate. You can have a fantasy about a 151 00:10:58.480 --> 00:11:05.480 soul mate, but the truth is love is a bio biological, psycho psychological, 152 00:11:05.960 --> 00:11:11.039 social event. Biologically, a bunch of neurohormones hit your brain when the 153 00:11:11.080 --> 00:11:15.759 sites and smells. Yes, the pheromones of an attractive mate comes along. 154 00:11:16.279 --> 00:11:20.720 Psychologically, somebody who feels like your intellectual match or an emotional exchange of care 155 00:11:22.279 --> 00:11:26.080 or the right attachment style for your attachment. And then social do they live 156 00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:30.519 in the right zip code, do they have the right bank account? Do 157 00:11:30.600 --> 00:11:33.679 they eat the right diet? Vegan paleo? Where we go in folks. 158 00:11:33.759 --> 00:11:37.120 Right, what's their politics? Like? Right, that's the social part. 159 00:11:37.600 --> 00:11:43.039 You put all those three together, you're going to find your version of love. 160 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:48.799 You could also look at love through the famous psychologist Robert Sternberg's triangular theory 161 00:11:48.799 --> 00:11:52.120 of love. He said, love is like a triangle three different points. 162 00:11:52.360 --> 00:11:58.480 One point is passion, that's the lust, the sexual attraction. The other 163 00:11:58.759 --> 00:12:03.879 is intimacy, meaning the emotional intimacy, and finally the third is commitment. 164 00:12:03.879 --> 00:12:07.200 And that's all about the brain, the brain that does a cost benefit analysis 165 00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:09.840 about this mate and goes, you know what, I'm gonna make a commitment 166 00:12:09.840 --> 00:12:11.639 to them. I know they have these flaws, but they're great in this 167 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:16.120 area. La la la la la, I'll commit right. And so he 168 00:12:16.159 --> 00:12:20.279 says that some relationships, most relationships, actually have only two of those. 169 00:12:20.559 --> 00:12:24.440 They might have lost and emotional intimacy, but commitment never happens. They might 170 00:12:24.480 --> 00:12:28.159 have commitment and intimacy, but they're not really sexually attracted to each other. 171 00:12:28.159 --> 00:12:33.440 But the marriage works only the lucky ones of us, actually ones of us. 172 00:12:33.519 --> 00:12:35.679 Is that it does not even list the lucky one the ones of us 173 00:12:35.879 --> 00:12:39.600 some of us, sure, a few of us, Yeah, Like are 174 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:46.480 the lucky ones are able to find passion, intimacy, and commitment. Well, 175 00:12:46.960 --> 00:12:50.440 there's a new study out. It was actually a series of studies done. 176 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:54.720 Where was it printed one of those famous academic journals that I was flipping 177 00:12:54.759 --> 00:13:00.480 through? Oh, it's a Boston University researcher there you go. Uh. 178 00:13:00.559 --> 00:13:05.960 Do you ever notice when you're maybe reading somebody's dating app profile, or you've 179 00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:11.679 just met somebody, you get really excited if they happen to have the love 180 00:13:11.840 --> 00:13:18.200 of the same band that's your favorite band, or your favorite politician is their 181 00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:22.039 favorite politician, or that the two of you just find the same things funny. 182 00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:26.639 Maybe the both of you have dark humor. By the way, I 183 00:13:26.759 --> 00:13:31.240 have learned through Julio, who's very light and happy my fiance, that I 184 00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:39.240 have dark humor that apparently the most dark things make me laugh. And I 185 00:13:39.320 --> 00:13:41.639 don't know where I got it from. I think being a news reporter for 186 00:13:41.679 --> 00:13:46.080 many years, seeing so much tragedy out there in the world, I learned 187 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:52.480 to steal myself with kind of dark humor. You know where I made a 188 00:13:52.519 --> 00:13:56.960 mistake one time of using my dark humor. Nobody got this joke. I 189 00:13:56.039 --> 00:14:01.639 was on a plane and I was flying somewhere. I think I was hosting 190 00:14:01.639 --> 00:14:03.799 the show extra and they were flying me to New York. So I got 191 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:07.759 to sit in business. I'm a business class and there's a guy beside me. 192 00:14:09.120 --> 00:14:11.960 And you know how if you never sat in business, they come along 193 00:14:11.960 --> 00:14:15.919 and they address you by name. Oh, hello, miss Walsh, Hello, 194 00:14:15.960 --> 00:14:18.440 mister Johnson, whatever, and would you like, you know, champagne 195 00:14:18.480 --> 00:14:22.879 or orange juice before we take off? Right? And so she gets to 196 00:14:22.919 --> 00:14:24.320 the guy who's sitting beside me, and he goes, oh, actually, 197 00:14:24.360 --> 00:14:28.240 this is my wife's seat. We switched. She's over there, and she 198 00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:33.240 said, I need you to take the seat that was assigned to you for 199 00:14:33.440 --> 00:14:39.519 takeoff. And I said, I regret saying this. I said, honey, 200 00:14:39.519 --> 00:14:43.240 you got to do that because that's how they could identify the bodies later 201 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:50.519 now to me, because he got to know who's strapped into what seat. 202 00:14:50.720 --> 00:14:52.200 Not right, i'd take off on a plane, I know. No, 203 00:14:52.559 --> 00:14:56.039 Oh god, I didn't read the World. Oh no, you did. 204 00:14:56.120 --> 00:15:01.720 I did not read that on very well. So anyway, maybe, but 205 00:15:01.600 --> 00:15:07.360 I learned that Julio has light humor and he does not like my dark humor 206 00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:09.039 at all. So that's not the thing we have in common. You know 207 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:11.120 what we have in common? The New York Times. It's like a funny 208 00:15:11.120 --> 00:15:13.759 game with us. At any hour of the day, we're checking it all 209 00:15:13.799 --> 00:15:18.120 the time. Like you guys check Tinder or Instagram, we're checking New York 210 00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:20.799 Times to see if they posted a new And by the way, for those 211 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:24.360 who have menopause related insomnia, they post their new articles at three am. 212 00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:28.399 And I rushed them sometimes because it puts me back to sleep to read darkness. 213 00:15:28.519 --> 00:15:31.399 I don't know. But anyway, our thing in common is that we 214 00:15:31.559 --> 00:15:35.159 rush to want to be the first one with the news. Did you hear 215 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:37.200 that? So and so? Yeah, I already read it, I say, 216 00:15:37.360 --> 00:15:39.600 right. And that's our funny little thing we have together anyway. So 217 00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:46.480 this research out of Boston University called there's something called a similarity attraction effect, 218 00:15:46.039 --> 00:15:52.360 which is we basically like people who are like us. So this researcher did 219 00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:56.799 a whole bunch of different studies and he found that there was one critical factor 220 00:15:56.519 --> 00:16:03.159 that psychologists call isn't this psycho bath self essentialist reasoning? Okay, what that 221 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:08.879 means is if there's something about you that you believe is essential to you, 222 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:11.799 your sense of self. Maybe it's that you're the fan of the greatest ban 223 00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:15.679 on earth. Maybe it's that you're a die hard fan of I don't know, 224 00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:19.240 Yankees baseball. Maybe it's no, we have to say, La Dodgers. 225 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:23.799 We're here in La. And so you believe that in your deepest core 226 00:16:23.919 --> 00:16:30.080 of self lies this essence. Well, guess what if you meet somebody who 227 00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:36.559 likes or dislikes that exact same thing as you, you believe that they must 228 00:16:36.639 --> 00:16:40.639 be like you in many, many, many levels. And that's why you 229 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:45.320 imagine there's such a thing as a soulmate. The truth is, everybody, 230 00:16:45.879 --> 00:16:51.000 relationships are far more about skill than luck. And if you can learn, 231 00:16:51.080 --> 00:16:56.440 as I did in my lifespan, learn good solid relationship skills, you'll meet 232 00:16:56.440 --> 00:16:59.720 many, many solmtes, if you want to call them that, you'll meet 233 00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:03.599 many people who you can have good relationships with. So there you go. 234 00:17:04.000 --> 00:17:08.359 Just because they're a fan of whatever doesn't mean they're perfect in every other way. 235 00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:11.200 But that's when we sort of cast a whole thing. They are like 236 00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:15.880 me. Love it all right? When we come back. The one question 237 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:19.079 I get all the time, all the time, does age matter? I'm 238 00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:23.119 talking about an age gap in a relationship. Well, I've got some research 239 00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:29.799 for you. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 240 00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:32.200 forty. If you're new to my show, I just want to remind you 241 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:36.200 I have a PhD in clinical psychology, but I'm not a therapist. I'm 242 00:17:36.200 --> 00:17:41.079 a psychology professor, although my little hobby husband that I'm obsessed with the science 243 00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:44.640 of love. So I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on 244 00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:48.200 attachment theory, and I'm just sort of a nerdy savant who loves to weigh 245 00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:52.480 in on people's love lives. I can't stop, okay, because I spent 246 00:17:52.599 --> 00:17:56.640 so many years in therapy healing my own stuff. It is just fascinating to 247 00:17:56.680 --> 00:18:03.480 me how human beings relate, and it's important because it is the essence of 248 00:18:03.519 --> 00:18:10.799 being human. We are wired to bond. We don't do well in isolation. 249 00:18:11.319 --> 00:18:15.240 You remember COVID quarantine. Yeah, we don't do well in isolation. 250 00:18:15.960 --> 00:18:19.519 We are meant to connect with others. We are meant to exchange care. 251 00:18:21.200 --> 00:18:26.519 We are meant to fall in love. But things happen in our childhood that 252 00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:33.119 often make love a prickly path for many many people. One of the things 253 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:37.400 I want to talk about today is the age difference thing, because I get 254 00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:41.880 an enormous amount of questions about this, and I'll start by telling you my 255 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:48.920 story is that pretty much I've dated peers across the lifespan. Now. Exception 256 00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:53.000 would be when I was in my twenties, I lived with a guy for 257 00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:59.440 four years who is in his forties now. I eventually outgrew him because I 258 00:18:59.480 --> 00:19:02.680 grew up right and I thought, you know, why is a guy in 259 00:19:02.720 --> 00:19:07.119 his forties hanging out with people in their twenties. You eventually learn when you 260 00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:14.599 get to be thirty, and he's still twenty mentally. So he treated me 261 00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:18.240 very well. It was a lovely life. Everything was great, But I 262 00:19:18.279 --> 00:19:22.240 outgrew him later when I found myself as a single mother, and I dipped 263 00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:26.319 my toe into dating many times, trying to, of course, always protect 264 00:19:26.359 --> 00:19:32.880 my children from my romantic life. I tried dating younger men because they were 265 00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:37.319 They looked physically attractive to me, and some of them even appeared to be 266 00:19:37.599 --> 00:19:41.519 educated and quite smart. But it doesn't matter how many degrees you have when 267 00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:47.319 you get together. If there's a big age gap, the references are off 268 00:19:47.960 --> 00:19:51.759 and the power lies with the older one one hundred percent of the time, 269 00:19:52.319 --> 00:19:56.119 because the older one usually has more financial security, doesn't matter the gender. 270 00:19:56.839 --> 00:20:03.039 Also, the older one just has more life experience no matter what, right, 271 00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:07.400 And so I just felt like a teacher, and I didn't like feeling 272 00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:11.079 like a teacher. I mean, I got a little patriarchy swimming inside my 273 00:20:11.160 --> 00:20:15.000 head too. You can't shake all of culture. And I'm like, I 274 00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:18.440 want a man who I can look up to you. I want a man 275 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:23.240 right Ironically, I feel like I have the greatest peer relationship right now, 276 00:20:23.559 --> 00:20:27.559 somebody who loves strong women but knows when to be strong himself. So it's 277 00:20:27.599 --> 00:20:33.240 a good, good balance between us. But just the other day, he 278 00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:36.599 and I had dinner with a guy that he's doing some work with, and 279 00:20:36.799 --> 00:20:38.839 the guy was saying that he's dating a woman who's ten years younger than him. 280 00:20:40.079 --> 00:20:41.759 Now, ten years isn't a big gat. Now ten years is a 281 00:20:41.799 --> 00:20:48.960 gap if somebody is eighteen and twenty eight, or god forbid, fifteen and 282 00:20:48.000 --> 00:20:52.559 twenty five, I think that's illegal, folks. But if somebody is he's 283 00:20:52.599 --> 00:20:56.279 like forty three and she's thirty three, Like, that's not really a ten 284 00:20:56.359 --> 00:21:02.440 year that matters. But then he said she didn't had never even seen some 285 00:21:02.519 --> 00:21:06.400 of my favorite movies. She didn't even know some of my favorite music stars. 286 00:21:07.240 --> 00:21:10.599 I actually remember that. This goes back a really long time, but 287 00:21:10.680 --> 00:21:14.000 I remember dating a guy a little bit younger than me, and I looked 288 00:21:14.039 --> 00:21:15.680 at him one time when it was time to break up, and he said, 289 00:21:17.119 --> 00:21:19.440 why are you breaking up with me? And I said, because you 290 00:21:19.480 --> 00:21:26.839 don't remember disco. You were never you were never there. I was there, 291 00:21:27.160 --> 00:21:32.440 Okay, now I was underage, and those clumbs when here's a funny 292 00:21:32.440 --> 00:21:36.240 disco story. By the way, So Julio's mom had him very young, 293 00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:40.319 and she's very cool. I look up to her more than anybody. She 294 00:21:40.480 --> 00:21:44.279 is the coolest woman. I mean, she was a single mother of two 295 00:21:44.400 --> 00:21:49.039 boys in the nineteen seventies in New York City, like the ultimate feminist, 296 00:21:49.200 --> 00:21:52.920 right, But because she had her boys very young, as people did back 297 00:21:52.920 --> 00:21:56.599 then, I think she was like nineteen and twenty or twenty and twenty one 298 00:21:56.640 --> 00:22:00.160 or whatever. By the time Julio got to be clubbing age, he would 299 00:22:00.200 --> 00:22:04.960 sometimes run into his mom because I remember it begets Studio fifty four. One 300 00:22:06.000 --> 00:22:10.759 time one of my buddies goes, dude, your mom's here. I love 301 00:22:10.799 --> 00:22:15.799 that story. I just think she's so so cool. All right, So 302 00:22:15.400 --> 00:22:21.000 does age really matter? Well, according to a study that was published in 303 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:30.920 the Journal of Population Economics, marital satisfaction Listen closely, marital satisfaction decreases significantly 304 00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:36.599 in couples with a larger age difference when compared with couples of similar ages. 305 00:22:36.680 --> 00:22:41.200 I have always said peers are attracted to peers across the lifespan. Now here's 306 00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:47.119 what the research came up with. Couples with a zero to three year age 307 00:22:47.160 --> 00:22:49.480 gap, so in other words, they're the same age or three years apart, 308 00:22:51.200 --> 00:22:56.279 showed greater satisfaction than those with a just a four to six year gap, 309 00:22:56.039 --> 00:23:03.000 And then couples with a four to six year gap showed greater relationship satisfaction 310 00:23:03.759 --> 00:23:07.960 than those with a seven plus year gap. Now the researcher scratched their head. 311 00:23:07.960 --> 00:23:10.400 They had to come up with a theory like why why, because everybody 312 00:23:10.480 --> 00:23:14.240 always asks why, what do your results mean? What's the discussion? Section 313 00:23:14.440 --> 00:23:22.240 say? And they say that differently aged couples might be less resilient to the 314 00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:29.559 negative shocks that happen in a relationship, whether it's economic hardship or God forbid 315 00:23:29.680 --> 00:23:34.000 illness. Right, there might be things like a mismatch with children. I 316 00:23:34.119 --> 00:23:38.759 always say this, it doesn't matter about the age. It matters whether the 317 00:23:38.839 --> 00:23:44.680 child bearing work is over, the raising of kids is over or not. 318 00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:52.519 If you've got somebody who's a dude who's divorced and he's forty eight years old 319 00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:56.480 and he's got kids that are like, let's go with teenagers or something, 320 00:23:56.799 --> 00:24:00.319 and he's back and forth with the kids the week and week off, and 321 00:24:00.359 --> 00:24:06.160 he meets a woman who's fabulous and she's thirty eight. He's forty eight. 322 00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:10.400 She's thirty eight. This is hypothetical, and she's at the end of her 323 00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:14.000 fertility window and she wants to have kids more than anything in the world. 324 00:24:14.839 --> 00:24:17.920 It doesn't matter how tracted you are, folks. If this dude is like 325 00:24:18.039 --> 00:24:22.599 done with family stuff because he's already produced and raised, is not gonna happen. 326 00:24:22.920 --> 00:24:26.839 This is the most important question in the age gap relationship. Other questions 327 00:24:26.880 --> 00:24:30.240 are you know, what goals do you have for your life in general, 328 00:24:30.359 --> 00:24:34.480 your future goals. If somebody is heading into retirement and somebody's still charging ahead 329 00:24:34.480 --> 00:24:38.519 with their career, you're gonna have problems. Right If somebody wants to have 330 00:24:38.599 --> 00:24:44.359 kids and somebody doesn't, you're gonna have problems. You have to have honest 331 00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:51.759 conversations about the big life events. And then also what are your common interests. 332 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:56.599 These will become even more important as you grow older. So if you're 333 00:24:56.680 --> 00:25:00.880 like, Okay, I'll go out to the clubs with this young th until 334 00:25:00.880 --> 00:25:03.759 they like me enough and then they'll stay in with me. No, they're 335 00:25:03.759 --> 00:25:06.920 probably not going to stay in with you. They're too young to stay in 336 00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:10.359 with you. You've got to figure out what your hobbies are like and that 337 00:25:10.400 --> 00:25:15.240 you're going to do things that can strengthen your connection. For instance, today 338 00:25:15.319 --> 00:25:19.640 Hulu and I spend an afternoon in home depot and we bought some flooring and 339 00:25:19.680 --> 00:25:22.559 we figured out we're going to watch YouTube videos to install the flooring in my 340 00:25:22.599 --> 00:25:27.039 laundry room. And he's happy to help me and my home maintenance stuff. 341 00:25:27.559 --> 00:25:30.559 See, we're good. And then the other big one. No matter what 342 00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:37.839 your age is, do your morals and your values match up? And finally, 343 00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:41.039 are you resilient to other people's opinions because you're going to be criticized, 344 00:25:41.240 --> 00:25:44.440 especially if the age gap is like twenty years or thirty years. People are 345 00:25:44.480 --> 00:25:47.759 going to look down on you, look some of them work. I actually 346 00:25:47.920 --> 00:25:52.640 know a couple who have I think like a thirty year age difference, and 347 00:25:52.759 --> 00:25:56.000 they are so deeply in love. He's now older, of course, the 348 00:25:56.000 --> 00:26:00.160 older one experiencing some health issues, and she's there caring for him, and 349 00:26:00.359 --> 00:26:04.559 it's going to be sad, but the love was strong. They raised a 350 00:26:04.559 --> 00:26:07.759 family. All good, All right. When we come back, we hear 351 00:26:07.799 --> 00:26:11.400 a lot about red flags. Oh gosh, it's a red flag, don't 352 00:26:11.400 --> 00:26:14.440 go forward, Oh no, don't go on another date. But what about 353 00:26:14.440 --> 00:26:18.200 a green flag? When do you know that you really should hit the accelerator 354 00:26:18.200 --> 00:26:21.000 and go forward this person, Let's talk about this when we come back. 355 00:26:21.559 --> 00:26:26.160 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. I 356 00:26:26.279 --> 00:26:34.440 talk a lot about red flags in relationships, partly because I myself came through 357 00:26:34.519 --> 00:26:41.599 an era of poor boundaries, weak boundaries. My therapist used to say, 358 00:26:42.160 --> 00:26:48.200 you are the most tolerant person I have ever met. So as a result, 359 00:26:48.720 --> 00:26:52.640 my journey was about learning to go ugh, I'm out no oh, 360 00:26:52.759 --> 00:26:56.160 instead of oh, well, maybe they're nice, you know, maybe it's 361 00:26:56.160 --> 00:27:00.839 not their fault. Where did this come from? In me? I actually 362 00:27:00.920 --> 00:27:07.519 had a Pollyanna positive, mom, which was great in all kinds of ways. 363 00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:10.240 Let's go here, kids, Oh my gosh, it's going to be 364 00:27:10.279 --> 00:27:14.039 so much fun. Mom. I just saw this weird man and he asked 365 00:27:14.039 --> 00:27:17.880 me to get into his convertible car. Now, honey, don't always think 366 00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:22.680 about the worst in people. That's how my mother would talk. I know. 367 00:27:22.680 --> 00:27:26.880 She didn't teach me to be cautious and scared. She taught me to 368 00:27:26.920 --> 00:27:30.079 look for the good in all people. Remember a few weeks ago, we 369 00:27:30.079 --> 00:27:34.960 were talking about Resa Tisa from the internet. Starting with TikTok. Millions of 370 00:27:34.960 --> 00:27:38.640 people followed her story where she all the red flags were there and she missed 371 00:27:38.680 --> 00:27:45.359 them. And the problem is, when you are a good moral person, 372 00:27:47.279 --> 00:27:53.680 it is very difficult to imagine that other people can be completely immoral, completely 373 00:27:53.799 --> 00:28:00.880 unethical, duplicitous liars. Right. So it's so therefore I write about red 374 00:28:02.200 --> 00:28:07.599 flags a lot because many of the people who follow me on social media are 375 00:28:07.640 --> 00:28:11.559 people with boundary issues they need to work hard on saying no, this is 376 00:28:11.599 --> 00:28:17.759 not right. However, it is important that I also talk about the green 377 00:28:17.799 --> 00:28:21.720 flags because there are another group of people out there, and these are the 378 00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:26.519 ones whose quote unquote boundaries are so intact that they won't let anybody get close 379 00:28:26.559 --> 00:28:30.039 to them. They are so fearful that someone's going to hurt them. Be 380 00:28:30.160 --> 00:28:34.359 out to get them is probably lying that really good people pass through their lives 381 00:28:34.759 --> 00:28:40.799 and they're unable to see it. So we do have to talk about green 382 00:28:41.240 --> 00:28:48.079 flags. A green flag in a new relationship is basically some kind of behavior 383 00:28:48.799 --> 00:28:56.359 that shows that a potential partner might be trustworthy, caring and or commitment oriented. 384 00:28:57.359 --> 00:29:02.519 And it is so important to look for these green flags as well as, 385 00:29:02.519 --> 00:29:07.519 of course don't ignore the red flags. And here's the science behind it. 386 00:29:07.559 --> 00:29:14.640 Our brains become so easily overwhelmed by making choices. Dating apps present too 387 00:29:14.680 --> 00:29:18.400 many choices. The mating marketplace, believe it or not, as crowded right 388 00:29:18.400 --> 00:29:23.319 now. So to reduce the cognitive overload involved in making a choice, our 389 00:29:23.400 --> 00:29:30.160 brain wants us to make quick judgments. Our brain wants us to swiftly eliminate 390 00:29:30.240 --> 00:29:34.480 a bunch of choices. Add to that the fact that our brains operate on 391 00:29:34.519 --> 00:29:41.920 something called a negative bias. That's our natural tendency to dwell on the negative 392 00:29:41.000 --> 00:29:45.279 more than the positive. Now, it evolved in us as human beings as 393 00:29:45.319 --> 00:29:49.480 a protective mechanism right to keep us safe from danger. So we've got these 394 00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:56.319 built in reflexes to look for red flags and eliminate quickly. But that might 395 00:29:56.440 --> 00:30:03.039 mean that we're accidentally rejectingotentially good mates. So to override this system, we 396 00:30:03.160 --> 00:30:07.759 do need to consciously look for positive traits called green flags. Now, I'm 397 00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:11.839 warning you if you are somebody who misses red flags regularly, don't listen. 398 00:30:11.880 --> 00:30:14.480 Go put your fingers in your ears right now and go la la, la, 399 00:30:14.599 --> 00:30:17.200 la la until the end of this. You need to focus on those 400 00:30:17.200 --> 00:30:19.400 red flags. But if you are the kind of person who your friends keep 401 00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:22.119 saying, why don't you give them a chance? You just get rid of 402 00:30:22.119 --> 00:30:26.839 them so fast, then you need to listen up. Okay, So here 403 00:30:26.920 --> 00:30:30.720 are some green flags that you want to keep an eye out for. Number 404 00:30:30.720 --> 00:30:38.079 one, somebody's words are backed up by actions, promises, promises, promises. 405 00:30:38.720 --> 00:30:42.759 Mates who are hoping to maybe just add you to their stable, or 406 00:30:42.880 --> 00:30:48.759 extract sex without love, or steal your money, or who are emotionally unable 407 00:30:48.759 --> 00:30:56.119 to have a serious relationship. They string people along with promises. They dangle 408 00:30:56.240 --> 00:31:03.519 carets like potential business introductions, vacations, and just kind gestures that will appear 409 00:31:03.559 --> 00:31:08.640 in your future if you just hang in there. Bright green flags, on 410 00:31:08.680 --> 00:31:15.039 the other hand, are welcome actions, not empty promises. When somebody you 411 00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:19.759 have just met backs up their words with actions, this is an indication that 412 00:31:19.799 --> 00:31:25.599 they can be counted on, especially when the going might get tough in the 413 00:31:25.599 --> 00:31:29.880 future. Right, So look for actions, not did they say it? 414 00:31:30.240 --> 00:31:34.359 Have they done it? Right? All right? Second green flag, It's 415 00:31:34.440 --> 00:31:42.640 super important how they respond to your bid for care. I quote these people 416 00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:48.119 all the time. Groundbreaking work by doctors John and Julie Gotman at the Marriage 417 00:31:48.160 --> 00:31:52.880 Lab at the University of Washington say that the single biggest indicator of a long 418 00:31:52.960 --> 00:32:00.480 term happy relationship is that a partner turns toward rather than turns away when there 419 00:32:00.519 --> 00:32:04.720 is a bid for care. Now, that may mean physically turning toward somebody, 420 00:32:04.960 --> 00:32:09.119 it may mean emotionally turning towards somebody. So let's think of an example. 421 00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:13.960 Let's say on a date, you express that you had a bad day 422 00:32:14.000 --> 00:32:19.400 at work. So your date leans in, touches your arm, looks empathetic 423 00:32:19.480 --> 00:32:22.319 with their face, asks to hear more. On the other end, it's 424 00:32:22.319 --> 00:32:27.359 a red flag if your date changes the subject makes a joke about it, 425 00:32:27.400 --> 00:32:31.400 dismisses it by saying like you'll be fine, you're tough. But a positive 426 00:32:31.440 --> 00:32:37.519 response where somebody really shows empathy means that they've got emotional intelligence, and this 427 00:32:37.640 --> 00:32:40.720 is really important for commitment and especially for if you're ever going to get into 428 00:32:40.720 --> 00:32:45.319 parentoo with this person. All right. Third favorite green flag of mine. 429 00:32:45.839 --> 00:32:49.240 I think I wrote this in my book The Boyfriend Test way back. When 430 00:32:49.839 --> 00:32:52.200 they introduce you to close friends and family. To their close friends and family, 431 00:32:52.920 --> 00:32:58.720 you see people who aren't commitment oriented like to hide their little romantic trists, 432 00:32:59.119 --> 00:33:02.000 so there are a few loose sends to tie up after they've dispose of 433 00:33:02.000 --> 00:33:07.599 the relationship. It's a really nice green flag. If the person you're dating 434 00:33:07.599 --> 00:33:10.599 begins to introduce you to their close friends and their family within a few months 435 00:33:10.599 --> 00:33:16.799 of dating, this shows that they're hopeful about integrating you into their clan for 436 00:33:16.839 --> 00:33:22.559 the long term. It shows that their family oriented, that they understand that 437 00:33:22.680 --> 00:33:29.720 relationships are a bridge between tribes. So if you're the person who gets rid 438 00:33:29.759 --> 00:33:35.480 of people really easily for silly reasons like I didn't like their tie or their 439 00:33:35.480 --> 00:33:39.599 shoes, people do that or their car, stop and look for the green 440 00:33:39.640 --> 00:33:46.480 flags, the ones that show emotional maturity, the ones that show an ability 441 00:33:46.799 --> 00:33:51.480 to care. All right, when we come back, There's another thing that 442 00:33:51.519 --> 00:33:53.920 comes up in relationships a lot, and I get these questions and new relationships, 443 00:33:54.000 --> 00:34:00.640 especially what if your friends and family don't approve of your new partner? 444 00:34:00.119 --> 00:34:05.400 H what if they don't? What do you do? How do you handle 445 00:34:05.519 --> 00:34:07.760 something like that? And after that, I am going to be taking your 446 00:34:07.760 --> 00:34:12.559 calls. I'm going to throw the phone number out here now. Producer Kayla 447 00:34:12.599 --> 00:34:15.079 is going to go to the phones at eight fifteen. The number is one 448 00:34:15.119 --> 00:34:21.000 eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero 449 00:34:21.119 --> 00:34:23.400 one five three four. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology 450 00:34:23.440 --> 00:34:28.679 professor, but I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment 451 00:34:28.679 --> 00:34:32.280 theory, and I'm always happy to weigh in on your love life because I've 452 00:34:32.320 --> 00:34:37.119 got some opinions that I'd like to share with you. That's at eight fifteen. 453 00:34:37.199 --> 00:34:43.519 The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You've 454 00:34:43.519 --> 00:34:45.679 been listening to doctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear us live on KFI 455 00:34:45.840 --> 00:34:51.440 AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on 456 00:34:51.519 --> 00:34:52.719 the iHeartRadio app.