WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.760 --> 00:00:04.240 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KF I am six forty the 2 00:00:04.280 --> 00:00:08.400 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Oh. On today's 3 00:00:08.439 --> 00:00:12.880 show, let's talk about love and money. How income affects our relationships. 4 00:00:13.240 --> 00:00:16.280 You know, when women earn more than their partners, there can be certain 5 00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:19.719 problems. But when a man makes way more than her, oh, special 6 00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:23.320 problems there. Later in the show, I'll also be taking your relationship calls. 7 00:00:23.879 --> 00:00:26.760 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm 8 00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:31.359 a psychology professor. But I've written three books on relationships, and I did 9 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:35.520 my dissertation on attachment theory. I'm obsessed with the science of love. Producer 10 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:38.039 Kayla, how are you today? I am wonderful, Doctor Wendy. You 11 00:00:38.079 --> 00:00:41.359 look lovely. Thank You'll let you know you look lovely. Thank you very 12 00:00:41.399 --> 00:00:43.119 much. Like to switch it up every now and a ya, yes, 13 00:00:43.240 --> 00:00:45.920 yes, so you should. We got Sandy Wells in the newsroom. How 14 00:00:45.960 --> 00:00:49.280 are you doing? Do you make more or less money than your wife? 15 00:00:49.520 --> 00:00:55.000 You don't have to answer that question. We'll find out later what this means. 16 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:59.640 Tony, how are you, Tony Sargantino. It's one of my favorite 17 00:00:59.719 --> 00:01:06.439 board text because whenever I have technical problems, I call Tony at any time 18 00:01:06.439 --> 00:01:08.280 of the day or night. He could be mid byte in a restaurant, 19 00:01:08.319 --> 00:01:11.000 he could be in a swimming pool, and he picks up his phone and 20 00:01:11.000 --> 00:01:14.120 says, what's up, what do you what do you need? Both have 21 00:01:14.200 --> 00:01:18.959 happened. I've happened. He's like, I'm sitting by the pool with my 22 00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:22.159 friends. It's okay. But thank you Tony for all of that anytime. 23 00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:27.120 So last night I went to the Hollywood Bowl shout out Happy Birthday to my 24 00:01:27.159 --> 00:01:30.959 friend Lisa Bloom. It was her birthday and she had a group of girlfriends 25 00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:37.000 in a box there and her mom, Gloria Allread, was there looking gorgeous, 26 00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:45.519 and she invited me to see the Sound of Music sing Along movie. 27 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:49.560 Now, at first I was like, well, that's interesting, but I 28 00:01:49.599 --> 00:01:52.799 didn't realize. You know, there's a cult thing happening at the Hollywood Bowl 29 00:01:52.879 --> 00:01:56.760 every year for the Sound of Music sing Along that is not unlike Rocky Horror 30 00:01:56.799 --> 00:02:00.359 Picture Show, but better what do you mean? So everyone dresses up in 31 00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:07.680 costumes of either characters from the movie or lyrics from the songs and then they 32 00:02:07.680 --> 00:02:12.159 buried across stage. There was a hysterical comedian host and I don't know her 33 00:02:12.199 --> 00:02:15.479 name. Can you someone who's listening tell me her name. Her last name 34 00:02:15.520 --> 00:02:19.360 is Peterson, that's all I know. And she was a very funny comedian 35 00:02:19.599 --> 00:02:23.639 and she helped all these and then we applauded and certain people want I'll tell 36 00:02:23.639 --> 00:02:28.120 you who I wanted to win, and she didn't. There's a shout out 37 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:31.319 going to a grandmother somewhere who made these costumes. These two little girls came 38 00:02:31.360 --> 00:02:39.800 on stage and Kayla, is it okay to identify somebody by race if it 39 00:02:39.840 --> 00:02:43.960 makes them more beautiful when you tell the story of how visual they are. 40 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:47.400 I don't speak for all of my people, but I think it's okay to 41 00:02:47.400 --> 00:02:51.599 describe people by race. It's it's differences, is there? It's not a 42 00:02:51.599 --> 00:02:55.319 bad thing to say. I want you to picture two little, gorgeous brown 43 00:02:55.439 --> 00:03:02.680 girls dressed in canary yellow. One was a sunshine and the other was a 44 00:03:02.840 --> 00:03:07.639 drop of golden sunshine. I love that. She was like two years old 45 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:12.120 and she had a little yellow tutu and yellow tights and she was a drop 46 00:03:12.159 --> 00:03:15.560 of golden sunshine. Oh my god, I nearly. It caught my breath. 47 00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:19.520 Anyway, they didn't win. They should have won. Okay, the 48 00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:23.400 people who won were like, who can't the marionettes, That's who won anyway. 49 00:03:23.520 --> 00:03:27.560 So who are the people who go to this? You would think just 50 00:03:27.719 --> 00:03:30.120 families? Right, Yeah, that's her. What's her name? Melissa Peter, 51 00:03:30.280 --> 00:03:36.240 Melissa Peterman, Melissa Peterman follow her on Instagram. You guys, she's 52 00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:38.919 hysterical. I want to go see her perform because she's very funny. So 53 00:03:40.680 --> 00:03:46.800 the gay men love to come and dress up in their leaderhousuns, those short 54 00:03:46.919 --> 00:03:52.080 shorts with the suspenders and the knee socks. The lesbians loved to dress up 55 00:03:52.120 --> 00:03:55.800 as the nuns. The drag queens dressed up as the baroness, the glamor 56 00:03:55.919 --> 00:04:00.400 woman that he almost married before he mentioned married Maria. And all the kids 57 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:03.319 dressed up as all the kids. I mean it was we even all had 58 00:04:03.400 --> 00:04:08.319 nuns costumes in our group, so we were I was having a little PTSD 59 00:04:08.520 --> 00:04:11.360 having gone to Catholic school myself. I was like, I'm going to dawn 60 00:04:11.360 --> 00:04:15.039 a habit right now for this birthday party. But I did just the head 61 00:04:15.080 --> 00:04:17.800 dress part for me. But anyway, it was a lovely way to celebrate 62 00:04:17.839 --> 00:04:20.959 a birthday. And now that I know what it is, I'm gonna go 63 00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:25.319 every year. My friend Lisa Bloom now has me hooked. So you're a 64 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:27.720 part of the call. I'm part of the cult. It's no, it's 65 00:04:27.800 --> 00:04:31.399 like one of those Angelino experiences that everybody in Los Angeles should just do. 66 00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:35.399 Once one of my friends was saying his co parent and their daughter go every 67 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:39.160 year. Yeah, every year. Oh no, the lots of families there. 68 00:04:39.560 --> 00:04:43.680 It was. It was a cross section of everything great in Los Angeles. 69 00:04:43.959 --> 00:04:46.959 And then the fact that we sang as you know how many people the 70 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:51.000 Hollywood bull hold, I don't know, thousands singing together, and then when 71 00:04:51.040 --> 00:04:56.759 he sang Adelweiss, everybody holds up their iPhone with the light on, and 72 00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:59.560 it was like thousands and thousands of people a way. It was beautiful. 73 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:02.480 Anyway, I was touched. All right, Now, let's talk about men 74 00:05:02.600 --> 00:05:06.839 who have misspoken in the news this week. Look, I'm in radio, 75 00:05:08.319 --> 00:05:11.600 I worry. I'm on social media. I worry about saying the wrong thing 76 00:05:11.639 --> 00:05:15.160 all the time. I've been attacked by trolls. I've been told I've pulled 77 00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:18.560 down videos, I've said I'm sorry it's happened, but I haven't like lost 78 00:05:18.600 --> 00:05:25.279 my whole livelihood. No, I see your dms. They are vicious off 79 00:05:25.319 --> 00:05:27.199 I try not to read too many of them. I leave them for you, 80 00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:31.959 Caleb. So one gentleman is named John Wenner. He is the co 81 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:35.519 found of Rolling Stone magazine and also the co founder of the Rock and Roll 82 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:40.079 Hall of Fame. I'm gonna give him a little bit of a pass because 83 00:05:40.079 --> 00:05:44.279 he's seventy seven, but this week he was removed from the Hall's board of 84 00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:49.680 directors after making comments that we're seen as disparaging toward black and female musicians. 85 00:05:50.439 --> 00:05:56.160 You see, he's out promoting a new book where it features interviews that he's 86 00:05:56.160 --> 00:06:00.279 done over the years with seven super famous musicians. All well and good, 87 00:06:01.319 --> 00:06:05.879 but they're all white men, and so, you know, Mick Jaggern, 88 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:11.360 whatever, I think, Bruce Springsteen's in there. Whatever. So then the 89 00:06:11.399 --> 00:06:13.759 interviewer at the New York Times says to him, Hey, oh, I 90 00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:17.079 noticed like he didn't feature any women. And his quote is I'm going to 91 00:06:17.120 --> 00:06:21.519 read it directly insofar as women will, just none of them were as articulate 92 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:26.920 enough on this intellectual level. And the interviewer said, well, what about 93 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:30.000 Joni Mitchell. Well, you know, Joni's not a philosopher of rock and 94 00:06:30.120 --> 00:06:34.720 roll. She didn't really meet my test. I know. Then of black 95 00:06:34.839 --> 00:06:41.079 artists, he said, Stevie Wonder is a genius. Right, Well, 96 00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:46.720 I suppose you could use a word as broad as masters, maybe even Marvin 97 00:06:46.759 --> 00:06:49.759 Gay or Curtis Mayfield. I mean, they just didn't articulate at that level. 98 00:06:51.160 --> 00:06:56.000 And they later he says, you know, for public relations sake, 99 00:06:56.040 --> 00:06:59.560 maybe I should have gone and found a black person and a white woman are 100 00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:03.680 artists to include here, But then they wouldn't have measured up to some historical 101 00:07:03.720 --> 00:07:08.800 standards. Your racism is showing. Yeah, he's gone. He's gone. 102 00:07:09.279 --> 00:07:12.319 He's gone. Sorry, dude, you're gone. Bye bye. Okay. 103 00:07:12.360 --> 00:07:15.560 Tyler Perry, we love him, Yeah, but you didn't say that with 104 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:18.879 much authority. Right now, I'm proud of Tyler Perry. Tyler Perry. 105 00:07:18.879 --> 00:07:25.160 We left Perry. So he appeared on the Keep It Positive Sweetie podcast and 106 00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:28.959 he shared his feelings about dividing household expenses. You know, I told you 107 00:07:28.959 --> 00:07:32.480 we'd get to relationships, and he revealed that they don't have to split down 108 00:07:32.519 --> 00:07:39.360 the middle. And here's what he said in the in our society right now, 109 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:43.519 black women are making a lot more money for the most part than black 110 00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:45.720 men. Right There are a lot of black men who are successful, but 111 00:07:45.759 --> 00:07:47.240 for the most part, black women are making the money. So you, 112 00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:53.600 if you can find love, if that man works, you know, at 113 00:07:53.600 --> 00:07:59.279 whatever job, and is a good man and is good to you and honors 114 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:03.680 the house, honest wife, and does what he can because his gift may 115 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:07.959 not be your gift exactly, that is okay. That's not somebody who's beneath 116 00:08:07.959 --> 00:08:11.639 you. That's somebody who came to love you at your work, right and 117 00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:16.079 as long as he's secure in himself to know that, yep, she makes 118 00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:18.399 most of the money. All I can pay is a light deal. As 119 00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:20.120 long as she's comfortable enough to say, I'm going to cover the mortgage and 120 00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:22.519 all the other stuff. You can't light deal, baby, you can take 121 00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:26.639 me to dinner and every now and then, that is fine. Yeah, 122 00:08:26.240 --> 00:08:31.360 that's fine. Okay, Kayla. Why didn't you like this quote? I 123 00:08:31.440 --> 00:08:35.679 just feel like you are a rich male who does not need to tell women 124 00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:39.240 what they need to accept from a man, especially if with a life that 125 00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:43.440 you can't relate to. All right, I don't like a women tell women 126 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:46.240 how to be anyway or what to do. But he was on a podcast 127 00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:50.960 he was asked directly there this reminds me of who is the guy who wrote 128 00:08:50.960 --> 00:08:56.360 the book is Marriage for White People? That professor at was it Davis or 129 00:08:56.480 --> 00:09:05.240 Berkeley? And he basically says that if if you want to hold on to 130 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:09.320 the strong black family, you might want to marry outside of your race, 131 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:13.360 if you're going to look for a financial equal or whatever. But he also 132 00:09:13.480 --> 00:09:18.879 said to not look down on a man making less. I want to take 133 00:09:18.879 --> 00:09:22.720 this conversation away from race and focus on gender because there are a lot of 134 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:26.360 white women making more money than their husbands too. That was Ralph Richard Banks. 135 00:09:26.559 --> 00:09:31.120 Ralph Richard Banks who said that right, very interesting book, filled with 136 00:09:31.200 --> 00:09:35.120 lots of good statistics. But Tyler Perry, before we get into the whole 137 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:39.679 thing about money and love in general, why do you think the internet? 138 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:43.039 I know you gave me your personal opinion, Kayla. Why do you think 139 00:09:43.080 --> 00:09:46.240 the internet has such a backlash year? I feel the internet, especially Black 140 00:09:46.240 --> 00:09:50.080 women, feel like we've been told to accept last for way too long or 141 00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:52.600 settled for last for way too long, and it's like, no, actually, 142 00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:54.440 I'm enough and this is what I want, and this is my boundary. 143 00:09:54.440 --> 00:09:56.279 And I don't have to accept last because you tell me I need to 144 00:09:56.320 --> 00:09:58.960 accept last. I've been accepting last for way too long, way too many 145 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:03.480 generations, way too many are aunt. No, no, no, this 146 00:10:03.559 --> 00:10:05.879 is what I'm worth, this is what I want, and I'm not settling 147 00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:11.360 anymore. I love that. On the other hand, what all women are 148 00:10:11.399 --> 00:10:18.120 worth is care, commitment, love. I've always said that relationships are an 149 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:24.879 exchange of care, and that care can take many forms. Maybe I'm saying 150 00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:28.799 what Tyler Perry said in a different way. It can be financial care, 151 00:10:28.480 --> 00:10:35.240 it can be emotional support care, it can be domestic responsibility care. But 152 00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:41.559 I also know that there's a motherhood tax on women that at a certain point, 153 00:10:41.639 --> 00:10:46.360 I love my kids, but at a certain point they become an economic 154 00:10:46.440 --> 00:10:50.360 ball and chain on women, and then we're expected to keep up right. 155 00:10:50.519 --> 00:10:56.320 So I do understand historically why women have always gone for men with high resources. 156 00:10:56.639 --> 00:11:05.279 Evolutionary psychologists would say that that's naturally ingrained inside us. Tyler's I think 157 00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:11.440 trying to get women to say, you know, that's there are lots of 158 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:16.879 other things that make a man worthy and good, because it's also putting a 159 00:11:16.919 --> 00:11:20.200 lot of pressure on men. And again, let's take race off for a 160 00:11:20.200 --> 00:11:24.279 minute. Think of men who just aren't making as much money in general, 161 00:11:24.519 --> 00:11:30.720 or men who are you know, maybe they're paying off x wives and kids 162 00:11:30.759 --> 00:11:33.039 and they hear older women say, oh, he just wants a purse or 163 00:11:33.080 --> 00:11:37.200 a nurse. I'm like, come on, anyway, when we come back, 164 00:11:37.320 --> 00:11:41.000 let us talk more about this subject. And let's talk about what happens 165 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:46.159 when within marriages, when the woman makes a lot more money or when the 166 00:11:46.200 --> 00:11:50.399 man makes a lot more money. Very interesting stuff. You're listening to doctor 167 00:11:50.440 --> 00:11:56.759 Wendy Walsh on demand from KF I am six forty. Let's talk about love 168 00:11:56.919 --> 00:12:01.360 and money. I always start by telling you about my experience for the most 169 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:03.399 part, so I you know, I think you know. I had a 170 00:12:03.480 --> 00:12:09.039 childhood wedding when I was in college and I was like twenty and I did 171 00:12:09.159 --> 00:12:11.720 I was still in college. I had part time jobs, so my husband 172 00:12:11.840 --> 00:12:16.360 was mostly supporting us. We didn't have children or anything, and it was 173 00:12:16.399 --> 00:12:20.840 only for three years. But our fights over money were the fact that he 174 00:12:20.360 --> 00:12:26.080 didn't allow me to participate in the financial He would give me an allowance for 175 00:12:26.080 --> 00:12:28.240 the week, so to speak. And I felt controlled, and I would 176 00:12:28.360 --> 00:12:31.679 over use credit cards, almost in defiance. Right, I look back and 177 00:12:31.720 --> 00:12:35.440 see that that's what I did. Then I went on to slowly build a 178 00:12:35.480 --> 00:12:41.039 career. I had one stint where when I first moved to town, I 179 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:43.759 had a very wealthy boyfriend I lived with for four years and it was a 180 00:12:43.799 --> 00:12:46.480 beautiful mansion on a hill, and that was lovely, and I was in 181 00:12:46.519 --> 00:12:52.960 golden handcuffs. And what I learned during those years was that when you don't 182 00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:58.720 have financial power, you don't get to make any of the decisions. I 183 00:12:58.759 --> 00:13:01.799 mean, you can please and beg and say this is where I'd really like 184 00:13:01.840 --> 00:13:03.720 to go on vacation, or this is an item I'd like to buy, 185 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:09.080 and if you're with a kind, generous person, they will give it out 186 00:13:09.120 --> 00:13:15.399 as they feel they should. But you don't have a sense of freedom. 187 00:13:15.440 --> 00:13:20.320 And so when I got my first job was anchoring the news at KCOP, 188 00:13:20.519 --> 00:13:22.799 I'll just tell you, because I'm open about everything, I'm just making seventy 189 00:13:22.840 --> 00:13:26.120 thousand dollars a year. I was thirty years old. There's a most money 190 00:13:26.120 --> 00:13:30.720 I ever made in my life. I immediately moved out from him, got 191 00:13:30.720 --> 00:13:35.159 a little one bedroom apartment because that felt better to me than the mansion on 192 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:39.639 the hill. Now, I do not put down my girlfriends who are in 193 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:45.000 amazingly wealthy marriages, and you know what, go for it and if you 194 00:13:45.039 --> 00:13:48.480 can hang in there. I just couldn't because for me, if it doesn't 195 00:13:48.519 --> 00:13:52.360 feel like a peer relationship, you don't feel like we have equal power, 196 00:13:52.919 --> 00:14:00.840 then it doesn't feel good to me. So then I started ray men started 197 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:03.360 supporting men, and I'm like, oh oh, And then the financial abuse 198 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:07.559 happened. In fact, Kayla, there was a woman we're trying to get 199 00:14:07.559 --> 00:14:11.399 on as a guest, right, who runs some nonprofit for financial abuse against 200 00:14:11.480 --> 00:14:13.399 Oh. Yes, yes, yes, yes, we got to get her 201 00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:18.600 because we do it. This is the thing that's most talked not talked about 202 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:22.519 in relationships nowadays. So it used to be that men would hit and run 203 00:14:22.600 --> 00:14:26.279 and leave her with a baby and a lifetime of poverty because she was a 204 00:14:26.279 --> 00:14:28.840 single mother. I'm talking about in the thirties, forties, fifties, sixties, 205 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:35.480 right, women started making money and men started not just extracting free sex 206 00:14:35.559 --> 00:14:39.639 from women, but extracting finances. And they have all kinds of ways to 207 00:14:39.679 --> 00:14:43.559 do it. And I don't mean just online romance. Scams that happen through 208 00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:46.440 dating apps or whatever. Those are happening, but I mean pretending to be 209 00:14:46.600 --> 00:14:52.559 a commitment oriented boyfriend until he's got you somehow, he's got some way to 210 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:56.080 get money out of you in some way. And then what happens is when 211 00:14:56.080 --> 00:15:01.440 the women realize that they have been romance sca and their heart is broken at 212 00:15:01.519 --> 00:15:05.840 the same time that their bank account has been drained. They don't want to 213 00:15:05.879 --> 00:15:09.559 tell anybody because of the shame. They feel so ashamed, and this is 214 00:15:09.639 --> 00:15:16.000 epidemic. But let's not talk about those relationships right now. Let's talk about 215 00:15:16.039 --> 00:15:22.960 married couples. Right So you know that during the last century, women's salaries 216 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.120 have gone up, and that means their contributions so the household have gone up. 217 00:15:28.559 --> 00:15:31.240 Believe it or not, because you're thinking you're in a big urban center 218 00:15:31.240 --> 00:15:33.480 with women who are very successful. There's a lot of rural areas. There 219 00:15:33.480 --> 00:15:37.639 are a lot of small towns. There are a lot of traditional traditional people 220 00:15:37.639 --> 00:15:43.960 in America. And still fifty five percent of heterosexual opposite sex marriages, the 221 00:15:45.039 --> 00:15:48.399 man is the primary wage earner fifty five percent. Okay, Now, in 222 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:54.600 about twenty nine percent marriages, they're making about the same amount of money sixteen 223 00:15:54.679 --> 00:16:00.639 percent of a full on breadwinner wife. You don't have to acute story. 224 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:03.919 A friend of mine her husband retired before her, five six years before her. 225 00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:06.600 She's going to retire soon. But she said to me, oh my 226 00:16:06.759 --> 00:16:10.000 god, it's so easy to make money when you have a wife at home 227 00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:12.960 because when the husband retired, he took over the laundry, the shopping, 228 00:16:14.039 --> 00:16:15.639 the house cleaning, the yardwork. She goes, I just come into my 229 00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:18.279 house and use it and go back to work. She goes, if I'd 230 00:16:18.320 --> 00:16:22.279 known that, I would have gotten a wife years ago. So it does 231 00:16:22.320 --> 00:16:27.840 help people make money. So there are problems that happen when women make more 232 00:16:27.840 --> 00:16:33.039 money than men. For instance, mail insecurity. Right, men, just 233 00:16:33.279 --> 00:16:38.639 if they have ingested that societal norm that they should be the primary breadwinner, 234 00:16:38.759 --> 00:16:42.799 they're going to be insecure. And how do they showcase their insecurity. They 235 00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:48.120 get angry and nitpicky at women. They go and have affairs to prove their 236 00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:52.360 manhood somewhere, or maybe they practice financial abuse. I don't know. They're 237 00:16:52.559 --> 00:17:00.679 also maybe a lot of conflict around decision making because again historically, like in 238 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:03.519 the marriage I was in, the women were didn't have as much voice and 239 00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:07.079 so when the woman has the money, then she starts to become like, 240 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:08.920 no, we're going here, No we're buying this, and he's like now 241 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:14.480 really emasculated. Right, So there's conflict around that. There's some other conflicts 242 00:17:14.519 --> 00:17:15.960 that I do want to talk about when we come back, as well as 243 00:17:17.000 --> 00:17:22.279 what we can do. And then let's talk about why wealthy people actually have 244 00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:27.079 worse love lives. You wouldn't believe why you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on 245 00:17:27.160 --> 00:17:32.599 demand from kf I am six forty glad you picked that song Millionaire. That's 246 00:17:32.599 --> 00:17:37.640 a beautiful song that was you. He feels like a millionaire just because he 247 00:17:37.680 --> 00:17:41.079 has this amazing woman. Oh I love it. Speaking about loving money, 248 00:17:41.240 --> 00:17:45.880 we're talking about relationships where the woman makes more than the man. I'm not 249 00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:49.160 suggesting that women should try to make less money, okay, I'm just saying 250 00:17:49.160 --> 00:17:53.720 be prepared for some of the conflicts that might happen around male insecurity, about 251 00:17:55.559 --> 00:18:00.279 disparities in the work and leisure time, division of household labor. So here's 252 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:03.519 what you need to do. You need to talk about this everything. You 253 00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:07.000 know, the healthiest couples have actually lots of mini conflict all day long. 254 00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:10.839 They have border skirmishes. Juli and I do too. Is we do like 255 00:18:10.920 --> 00:18:14.759 sort of fake bickering. It's like sport for us. But that's how we 256 00:18:14.799 --> 00:18:19.079 work stuff out. So maintain open communication. Try very hard not to judge, 257 00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:23.759 don't try to think that they've got to think like you. And also 258 00:18:23.880 --> 00:18:30.279 understand that relationships are about compromising, right. You can't just dig in your 259 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.960 heels whether you're the breadwinner or not. You're in there to share a life 260 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:38.480 together and with any kind of couple. That happen, couples conflict that happens. 261 00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:44.920 Don't point fingers, don't blame all right, If you're deciding, I 262 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:48.759 get this question sent on social media all the time, whether to marry somebody 263 00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:52.599 who makes less money for you? The first word I say is prenuptial agreement. 264 00:18:52.880 --> 00:18:57.200 But secondly, focus on how compatible you guys are. Talk about all 265 00:18:57.200 --> 00:19:02.160 the other pieces of relationship. As I said, relationships are many things. 266 00:19:02.559 --> 00:19:07.640 When you exchange care. Now, it was this really interesting article this week 267 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:08.839 in Forbes magazine. Did I send it to you, Kayla, or did 268 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:14.640 you send it to me? About why wealthy people have worse love lives? 269 00:19:14.920 --> 00:19:17.880 No, you found that on your own. It was so interestingly, the 270 00:19:17.920 --> 00:19:21.960 Internet gave it to me because they knew I'd want that one. So here's 271 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:25.559 what you should know about happiness. If you are wondering if money can buy 272 00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:30.279 happiness, the research shows cross cultural research shows that about fifty percent of our 273 00:19:30.319 --> 00:19:34.440 happiness level is one hundred percent genetic. If you had a happy parents and 274 00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:37.400 happy grandparents and happy great grandparents, you got a good shot of being a 275 00:19:37.440 --> 00:19:42.240 basically a happy person and looking at life through a glass half full, being 276 00:19:42.480 --> 00:19:47.440 positive and energetic. I would say Kayla got that gene. For instance, 277 00:19:47.480 --> 00:19:53.200 She's warm, she's happy, she flirts with everybody at the clubs, she's 278 00:19:53.240 --> 00:20:00.799 a welcoming person. Right, that's genetic. Then ten percent is only related 279 00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:04.920 to economic stuff. So in other words, and mostly if it moves you 280 00:20:06.000 --> 00:20:10.960 out of poverty into the middle class, that can make you happier, right, 281 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:15.200 because you're not stressing so much. But what about that other forty percent 282 00:20:15.279 --> 00:20:19.960 of happiness that's up to us? Now? This interesting article Informs magazine basically 283 00:20:21.000 --> 00:20:26.319 said that many affluent people complain that they can't find love or they have bad 284 00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:30.200 relationships, and they use rationalizations like, you know, it's just too hard 285 00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:36.079 to balance my work with a romantic relationship because I'm working so much, or 286 00:20:36.240 --> 00:20:38.799 I feel like my lifestyle isolates me. Yes, I'm sitting in my mention 287 00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:41.920 on the hill. I can't meet people. I can't just go on Tinder, 288 00:20:42.279 --> 00:20:47.440 Well you could. Or they say they travel too much and they're going 289 00:20:47.440 --> 00:20:51.519 to events and meeting people and they're wondering if people like them for their money 290 00:20:51.640 --> 00:20:56.039 or like them for them. Okay, those are a bunch of rationalizations. 291 00:20:56.079 --> 00:21:00.440 Here's the truth. A twenty sixteen study that was published in Front Tears in 292 00:21:00.440 --> 00:21:08.759 Psychology revealed that people who are wealthier place more emphasis on a partner's appearance, 293 00:21:10.640 --> 00:21:14.160 especially for straight men. Yeah, women will go with a really wealthy guy 294 00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:17.799 as long as his wardrobe is all made out one hundred dollar bills. I 295 00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:23.920 mean, he can look so ugly it didn't matter. So the other problem 296 00:21:25.079 --> 00:21:27.720 is that wealthy people enter social circles where there is a great deal of social 297 00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:36.480 shame. So they feel like compelled to pursue people that are outside of their 298 00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:38.799 league, right in the looks department, because they go money, so they 299 00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:44.359 think they deserve it somehow. Now I want to tell you this. I 300 00:21:44.400 --> 00:21:49.359 believe that some people who put making money ahead of everything else in life, 301 00:21:49.960 --> 00:21:56.559 are often compensating, compensating for some feelings of low self esteem. Maybe they're 302 00:21:56.559 --> 00:22:02.880 thinking, I feel unlovable, so when I become rich people will like me 303 00:22:02.960 --> 00:22:08.039 then. Or maybe they have relationship problems because they have attachment injuries. Maybe 304 00:22:08.039 --> 00:22:12.319 they came from wealthy parents who are working all the time or socializing all the 305 00:22:12.359 --> 00:22:18.799 time, or traveling all the time and left them with nannies with inconsistent childcare, 306 00:22:18.839 --> 00:22:23.000 so they have an insecure attachment style and they go on and live that 307 00:22:23.079 --> 00:22:29.680 out in their adult romantic behavior. There's also research to show that I'm sorry, 308 00:22:29.880 --> 00:22:33.680 I don't shoot the messenger here. This is a twenty twelve study published 309 00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:38.079 in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. They found that the more wealthy 310 00:22:38.079 --> 00:22:44.759 somebody is, the more they have a relaxed attitude about unethical behavior. You 311 00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:51.240 know, low friends in low friends in high places. Yes, so they're 312 00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:56.079 a little lax about the rules. Did you know the less money you make, 313 00:22:56.079 --> 00:22:59.359 the more you follow the rules. Not interesting? Maybe they have to 314 00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:03.799 break rules on their tax return or something I don't know, and so their 315 00:23:03.799 --> 00:23:11.960 decision making often leans towards self interest rather than fairness. For everybody that's hard 316 00:23:11.960 --> 00:23:17.880 in a relationship, right, It makes them less considerate of others. They 317 00:23:17.880 --> 00:23:22.880 have a little less empathy, and they have an over emphasis emphasis on winning. 318 00:23:22.279 --> 00:23:25.240 Remember I told us the story a couple of weeks ago that when I 319 00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:26.759 did a Day in the Life of Donald Trump, when I hosted extra, 320 00:23:27.880 --> 00:23:32.920 he kept like he wanted to flirt with me, but he only my value 321 00:23:32.960 --> 00:23:36.720 to him. It appeared to me was that he needed to know who he 322 00:23:36.799 --> 00:23:40.519 was stealing me from, because all he kept asking me is isn't many many, 323 00:23:40.519 --> 00:23:44.279 many years ago in the nineties, who I was dating in LA, 324 00:23:44.400 --> 00:23:47.559 who I had dated in La, who my exes were? Like? In 325 00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:51.839 his mind, I had to be with higher end men so that he could 326 00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:55.319 steal me and feel that I was an object of value. That's that over 327 00:23:55.519 --> 00:24:00.880 emphasis on winning. So here's what a psychologist would say, and this is 328 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:04.720 what is listed in the great Forbes article that you should read. Diversify your 329 00:24:04.759 --> 00:24:10.119 social portfolio. It's good for your mental health. Having a diverse group of 330 00:24:10.160 --> 00:24:14.799 people gives you a much wider perspective on life. So get on out there, 331 00:24:14.839 --> 00:24:17.519 get out of your glass castle on top of the hill, go to 332 00:24:17.559 --> 00:24:21.920 a TGI Friday's go to an Applebee's, go to the ardhouse. You'll mean. 333 00:24:22.079 --> 00:24:23.440 I had a wealthy friend once, years and years ahead, and he 334 00:24:23.480 --> 00:24:26.759 was living in his mansion up on a hill, and he's saying, it's 335 00:24:26.759 --> 00:24:29.480 just as before dating apps. It's so hard to meet women I go. 336 00:24:29.519 --> 00:24:33.319 You know where they are. You know they're at Applebee's, They're at TGI 337 00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:37.160 Friday's. The nice assistants who are working so hard all day long and look 338 00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:41.960 great. There's where you're gonna beet nice regular down the nurses. That's where 339 00:24:41.960 --> 00:24:48.240 they go for a drink after work. Okay, Also seek value, not 340 00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:52.400 just winning. Don't look for those flashy short term relationships to show off. 341 00:24:52.920 --> 00:24:59.039 Look for deeper connections and continue to learn. That means go to counseling. 342 00:24:59.359 --> 00:25:04.400 See it there, go to workshops. Try to focus on developing your personal 343 00:25:04.440 --> 00:25:10.039 life. There are a lot of lonely, isolated, wealthy people. When 344 00:25:10.039 --> 00:25:12.200 I'm at my Julio. Before I met him, I was on the apps 345 00:25:12.279 --> 00:25:15.440 for a few months during COVID. And let me tell you, gentlemen, 346 00:25:15.559 --> 00:25:19.799 ladies, you should know this. In Newport Beach and Laguna Beach, there 347 00:25:19.839 --> 00:25:25.799 are a plethora of lonely men sitting in nice houses with wine cellars, driving 348 00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:29.039 porsches, and it was like one after another, and they didn't seem any 349 00:25:29.079 --> 00:25:30.680 different to me. They were sort of the same character over and over and 350 00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:33.839 over. So anyway, if you want that, ladies, there there, 351 00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:36.000 that's where you should be looking, all right, when we come back. 352 00:25:36.039 --> 00:25:38.960 Are you in a fantasy relationship? And I don't mean your imagination like you're 353 00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:42.160 imagining being with a celebrity, I mean the relationship you're in. Are you 354 00:25:42.160 --> 00:25:45.960 fantasizing about how good it is? Because I used to do that all the 355 00:25:45.000 --> 00:25:48.519 time, and let me tell you it did not work for me. Let 356 00:25:48.559 --> 00:25:52.400 me explain. When we come back. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on 357 00:25:52.519 --> 00:25:56.440 demand from kf I am six forty. If you would like to see us 358 00:25:56.480 --> 00:25:59.240 here in the studio, you can log onto my Instagram. I'd like to 359 00:25:59.240 --> 00:26:03.119 welcome my grand followers. Hi, guys, We're also live on Instagram. 360 00:26:03.119 --> 00:26:04.880 My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. And you know what, I actually 361 00:26:04.920 --> 00:26:10.680 forgot my phone. When do you ever forget your cell phone? And I 362 00:26:10.759 --> 00:26:15.880 remembered it on the one oh one freeway because my boyfriend Julio called and only 363 00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:19.000 my watch rang, so I was like talking to my watch, going where's 364 00:26:19.079 --> 00:26:22.720 my phone? And I realized I left at home, So I decided not 365 00:26:22.799 --> 00:26:26.000 to turn around. I decided to just see what life would be like for 366 00:26:26.119 --> 00:26:30.039 half a day without a phone. Of course, then I wanted to go 367 00:26:30.119 --> 00:26:33.680 live on Instagram. And I looked at Kayla like a deer caught in headlights, 368 00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:34.920 like what would I do? And She's like, well, I'm logged 369 00:26:36.000 --> 00:26:38.160 onto your Instagram. I can just go in because she gets the dms right. 370 00:26:38.200 --> 00:26:42.440 If you send me dms about questions for on air, Kayla will read 371 00:26:42.440 --> 00:26:47.480 them and provide them to me. So there, now I'm on Kayla's phone. 372 00:26:47.519 --> 00:26:51.920 I'm running down your battery. Okay. I wanted to talk about this. 373 00:26:52.440 --> 00:26:56.640 I wrote about this in my book The Boyfriend Test. How do we 374 00:26:56.680 --> 00:27:02.759 evaluate his potential before you lose your heart? So many people fall in love 375 00:27:03.319 --> 00:27:07.759 with a partner's potential. I like to think they fall in love with hope. 376 00:27:07.119 --> 00:27:11.880 They fall in love with things will get better. Often this is connected 377 00:27:12.240 --> 00:27:18.640 to having an insecure attachment style, a faulty model for love that happened very 378 00:27:18.640 --> 00:27:22.200 early in life from your family of origin. But you know, we do 379 00:27:22.279 --> 00:27:26.160 have a good prefrontal cortex and we can start to think through what we're doing 380 00:27:26.160 --> 00:27:33.640 in our love lives. I had many relationships that were bad, one that 381 00:27:33.839 --> 00:27:37.400 was toxic, one that all my friends said he was bad, and I 382 00:27:37.640 --> 00:27:45.000 always made excuses and rationalizations. I know what the brainin does when it's tricking 383 00:27:45.119 --> 00:27:52.960 us. Right, So let's talk about signs that you're in a fantasy relationship 384 00:27:52.039 --> 00:27:56.960 and what you should do about it. How about this. You're always thinking 385 00:27:57.000 --> 00:28:03.720 about the future. You're all always thinking about how great things will be once 386 00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:07.519 they change or once you fix them. Right, We're not supposed to heal 387 00:28:07.559 --> 00:28:11.160 our partner. It is not our job to heal our partner. But if 388 00:28:11.160 --> 00:28:17.160 you're spending your time not thinking about your present happiness but instead thinking about your 389 00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:21.319 future and how things will just get better, that means you're in love with 390 00:28:21.400 --> 00:28:26.279 longing. You're not in love right now. Another check our brain does is 391 00:28:26.319 --> 00:28:30.519 sometimes we will focus too much on the past, the golden days. Every 392 00:28:30.559 --> 00:28:33.920 relationship, even if it's abusive in toxic, started out with a honeymoon phase, 393 00:28:34.240 --> 00:28:37.079 and we all go back to those memories. Now. I will say 394 00:28:37.079 --> 00:28:44.319 that healthy couples do that too. So healthy couples often reflect and think about 395 00:28:44.359 --> 00:28:48.160 their first dates and the first time they made love and where it was, 396 00:28:48.279 --> 00:28:53.960 and maybe their first romantic vacation or their wedding day, and they will exchange 397 00:28:55.000 --> 00:29:00.319 stories about their memories and that helps remind them this is different, and this 398 00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:04.079 is you in your head spending time swimming back in the past because the present 399 00:29:04.519 --> 00:29:11.680 is pretty awful. It's not you and them dreaming together, remembering together, 400 00:29:11.960 --> 00:29:15.000 talking about a future together. It's you going well, if I hang in 401 00:29:15.039 --> 00:29:17.759 there, it's going to go back to the honeymoon phase. If I just 402 00:29:17.799 --> 00:29:22.240 behave myself, if I do things differently, it'll go back. Mmmm. 403 00:29:22.279 --> 00:29:25.680 Here's the big one that I did. All the time, you make excuses 404 00:29:25.720 --> 00:29:27.680 for your partner's behavior. Guess what my excuse was, Well, you know 405 00:29:27.799 --> 00:29:33.160 he had a really bad childhood, right. I thought you could heal someone 406 00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:37.000 with acceptance and love and just constant permission, but permission for bad behavior, 407 00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:48.559 no, and making excuses and rationalizations no. You also tend to over explain 408 00:29:48.720 --> 00:29:53.000 all the problems in your relationship to friends and family members. You're smart, 409 00:29:53.920 --> 00:29:59.440 your brain is tricky. You're a good talker. Before you know it, 410 00:29:59.599 --> 00:30:06.079 you're vincing them that everything's okay when it isn't. And when you do feel 411 00:30:06.119 --> 00:30:10.079 sad, you blame yourself. You say it must be hormones, it must 412 00:30:10.079 --> 00:30:12.640 be PMS, it must be I don't know. I'm just going through bad 413 00:30:12.640 --> 00:30:18.880 time. Never blame the other person. That means you're in a fantasy relationship, 414 00:30:21.119 --> 00:30:25.799 and the main thing is that you've made changes and nothing's gotten better. 415 00:30:26.039 --> 00:30:30.359 So I want to tell you that you need to go see a license therapist 416 00:30:30.519 --> 00:30:33.720 if you're in a so called fantasy relationship, if you're in love with Longing 417 00:30:33.720 --> 00:30:37.160 and in love with hope. I did. I spent eighteen years on and 418 00:30:37.200 --> 00:30:42.119 off in therapy until I learned to heal my anxious attachment disorder and find a 419 00:30:42.160 --> 00:30:47.200 secure attachment. So I know you can do it too, but you've got 420 00:30:47.240 --> 00:30:49.240 to make the break in. Do it Okay. When we come back, 421 00:30:49.880 --> 00:30:53.880 I'm taking your calls and answering your social media questions. The phone number is 422 00:30:53.960 --> 00:30:59.960 one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred 423 00:31:00.039 --> 00:31:06.160 at five two zero one KF five. You've been listening to doctor Wendy Walsh. 424 00:31:06.160 --> 00:31:08.240 You can always hear us live on k five AM six forty from seven 425 00:31:08.279 --> 00:31:12.759 to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app,