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You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand KFI AM six forty. You

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have doctor Wendy Welsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Wells Show.

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I want to let you know that
after this segment, I will be opening

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up the phone lines and taking your
relationship questions. I love to weigh in

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on your love life. I'm just
going to throw out the number here and

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I'll say it again at the end
of the segment. That's one eight hundred

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five two zero one KFI. That's
one eight hundred five two zero one five

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three four. Okay. You know
I weighed in on Jada and Will's marriage,

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and you know it's absolutely okay for
me that people have different kinds of

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marriages. The lying part really bothers
me. So I wanted to bring in

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somebody who maybe even more open minded
than I am, and is very supportive

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of this couple and many couples who
live different kinds of arrangements. Doctor Tammy

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Nelson is a psychotherapist and author of
The New Monogamy. It's a great book.

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You should get it. Hi,
Doctor Tammy, how are you,

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hi, Doctor Wennie, how are
you so glad to be here? All

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right, I'm sure you've been interviewed
all over today for Jada and Wills to

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weigh in on their marriage. But
what reason would a couple have to do

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this, to separate for this long
and not tell anybody. Well, I

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mean, just like any other couple
would treat their living what I call living

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a part together relationship private. It's
interesting because they're celebrities, so there's a

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difference between privacy and secrecy, and
we think that because they're in the public

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eye, we should know everything about
their about their relationship like so for us,

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it feels like they kept a secret
from us, like we're in a

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relationship with them. That's how I
feel. That's how I feel. Jada,

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my best friend has kept a secret
from me, right she was cheating

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on you? Yes, okay,
so you've put it into so we shouldn't

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ever put pressure on celebrities to make
every aspect of their life public. That's

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the first thing I do want to
say. But why do you think they

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as a private couple show? I
mean, do you think they had an

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inner circle of friends who knew who
are also sworn to secrecy? Like were

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they living so separately? How does
his work? I mean somebody had to

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know that. You know, their
kids certainly knew, and that is a

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concern, you know. I mean, all families have secrets, and I

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wonder what the pressure was for them
to keep the secret. But maybe they

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were doing it. Maybe you know, maybe Will and Jada, we're doing

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it to protect their kids. And
I think as parents we have to look

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at what, you know, what
links were going to go to to protect

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our family. You know, what
Jada's saying is that she didn't ever want

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to get divorced because for her,
it didn't serve her as a parent.

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And I think we have to look
at that. There's a variety of ways

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to have monogamy, monogamy just being
being married to one person. So they

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had this open agreement, whether they
call it an open marriage or not,

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they had an agreement that they were
going to stay married legally and have a

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non traditional family relationship. Well,
the thing that I find fascinating is they

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went to such great a lengths to
pretend that they were together. For instance,

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on her Red table talks, when
she you know, decided to admit

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that she had an entanglement with a
young was he a repper? August?

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Thank you? And then there was
this whole you know, come to Jesus

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moment where the two of them bonded
over this pain that their relationship has had

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and et cetera. And they acted
like they were fully married and this was

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an affair on her side, only
when now we know that they weren't even

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living together. So they they did
the whole show as an act. What

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do you think of that, Well, I think it's it's a little disturbing

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for the people who are in open
relationships, who for them, they were

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kind of like the poster the poster
people for open relationships, kind of starying.

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You know, look, this can
work, and this can work in

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public in public relationships. So if
you want to have an open relationship and

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talk about it in a really loving
and caring way, this is the way

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to do it. And now to
say, well, we weren't really in

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an open relationship, we kind of
our kind of weren't like, I think

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it's a little confusing. And I
think that just goes to show that we

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as humans want to pigeonhole people's relationships. We want to give them a name.

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And I can tell you right now
that monogamy is not binary. It's

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not like you have a traditional marriage
or you have a wide open, consensual,

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non monogamous marriage. There are so
many shades of gray between which I

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think there one of them. I
think they fall on that continualm You have

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even said on this show before that
you think an affair is a messenger.

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It's telling you something either about your
own need or a need of the relationship,

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and we should pay attention to what
that message is more than just moralize

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on the right or the wrong.
I did I paraphrase pras you correctly.

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Yeah. I think affairs can be
you know, wake up or break up

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moments. I think they can also
be away. Instead of feeling like,

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you know, we're actually looking for
someone, I think we're looking to be

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someone else. So they may not
be looking for someone new necessarily, but

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if you're looking to be someone new, it's really important to figure out who

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am I trying to be with these
other people or this other person, and

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can I integrate that part of myself
either into my marriage or into who I'm

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trying to be in the public eye
or even with myself, Because it's really

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the compartmental is a and the splitting
off of disintegrating that creates such a feeling

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of not living in integrity, which
is what I think they're challenged over right

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now. But I think I think
that they were as confused as we are

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in many ways. She says that
she just wasn't She told Hoe to copy

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on the Today Show, Jada that
excuse me, she just wasn't ready to

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go public. What could have taken
her so long? Seven years? Well,

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it's interesting that it's seven years,
right, I Mean, we joke

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around about the seven year itch,
But people really do go through phases of

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their life, like we go through
our own developmental phases, and relationships go

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through developmental phases. So maybe you
know, the kids are at a certain

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age now, you know, each
of them have grown to a certain age.

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Maybe they've got more independent projects going
on, and they're you know,

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maybe one of them has another relationship, you know, in their back pocket

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that they're ready to mouth. I
have no idea. Who knows, Oh

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that could be it. Maybe one
of them is ready to go public with

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their relationship. And also, she
does have a book coming out this week

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that she's promoting and we are talking
about her. So it's so smart for

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promotion, it's pretty smart. What
about the fact that they supposedly do not

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have a prenap. Do you think
that kept them undivorced? Well, I

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mean we're hearing about things like Jonas
and Sophie and people who like announce their

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divorce and then take it back and
sort of say, well, maybe we

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shouldn't get divorced, And I think
that says something about how we handle,

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you know, endings in our society
today. We're really good at the beginnings,

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but we kind of fuck at the
endings. You know, it's very

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very complicated, very complex, very
painful. Although we used to laugh at

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Gwyneth Paltrow's conscious uncoupling, and now
it seems to make so much sense.

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Oh, I think we have to
use intentional divorce and do it with integne.

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So if you're gonna end your relationship, to do it with respect,

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you know, thank the person,
Thanks for everything we've been through, Thanks

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for all we've learned from each other. I really appreciate it, and I

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wish you, you know, the
best in your world. It's time and

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you know, what people do,
This is my opinion I see it all

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too often, is they don't know
how to separate with respect. They don't

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know how to separate with gratitude.
So the only way that they feel they're

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allowed to separate is through anger and
contempt. And I watch people fighting years

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after their marriage ended and still angry
about the end and unable to integrate the

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good that happened, because nobody stays
in a relationship for years and years and

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years if it's all bad every day, Right, there's always some good.

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But do you think, doctor Tammy, that it helps people to separate when

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they can focus on the anger.
Well, I think you know, we

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have this morality about marriage that staying
together is good and breaking up is bad.

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So regardless of whether you're angry or
you separate in a loving way,

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I think we still have this very
black and white binary way of looking at

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marriage. And anybody who does it
in a way that's a little bit more

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gentle or slow, or loving or
caring should be should be awarded a prize

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because it's not easy in our culture. So if Data and Will are doing

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it in a transitional way that works
for them, who are we to judge?

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Who are we to judge? Especially
if she sells a book that will

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help support her after they divorce.
Look, monogamy is not easy. Marriage

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is not easy for anybody, so
you know, listen to throw stones in

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the glass marriage House. Exactly,
we all live in the glass marriage House.

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Doctor Tammy Neilson, thank you so
much for being with us. If

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you'd like to get her book,
it is called The New Monogamy. Always

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a pleasure to talk with you when
we come back. I am taken your

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calls. The numbers one eight hundred
five two zero one KFI. That's one

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eight hundred five two zero one five
three four. If you have a relationship

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question, let me weigh in.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show

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on KFI AM six forty. We
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're

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listening to KFI AM six forty on
demand KFI AM six forty. You have

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doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd

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like to welcome my Instagram audience.
If you'd like to come in the studio

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with me and see what's going on
here, You're welcome to log onto Instagram

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go to my account, Doctor Wendy
Walsh. Okay, I'm about to take

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your calls. Before I do,
I want to remind everybody I'm not a

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therapist. I'm a psychology professor.
However, I've written three books on relationships.

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I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory. I am the recipient of eighteen

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years of good therapy, so I've
got lots of personal advice for you.

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Think of me as an old auntie
who would love to weigh in on your

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relationships. Okay, Producer, Kayla, who do we have on the phone?

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We have Maguel with the Will Smith
question? Okay, Hi, Miguel,

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you got a question about the Will
Smith Jada Pa, Doctor, how

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are you? I'm good? Which
question? I have an interesting scenario.

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I wanted to get your take.
Do you think it's possible that Will Smith

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saw Chris Rock as a mate coacher
and had an overreaction in front of America

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that this is a man who's the
mate poaching our union, and maybe he

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reacted because of that. So I
don't know the history between Chris Rock and

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Jada, but I know that she
said at the time, this is old

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stuff, Will, So I don't
know. I think your question is a

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good one. Could he have perceived
him as a mate poacher so he had

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to show off his stuff? An
evolutionary psychologist might think that I think a

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therapist might more say, you know, he will who He talks about it

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openly in his book, witnessed his
mother being abused and he felt incapacitated,

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unable to protect her. So I
would think that this is is trauma that

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is being triggered again in his adult
life, and I think it's more related

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to that than his concern that Chris
was a mate poacher. But excellent question,

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Thanks Miguel. Okay, Producer,
Kayla. Who do we have next?

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We have Mark with a question?
Mark. Hi, Mark, It's

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doctor Wendy. Hey, Wendy,
I need some advice on my relationship with

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my wife. I'm happy to get
advised myself in the doghouse this weekend.

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Uh oh, you put yourself in
the doghouse, would you do? Mark?

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Okay, Well, it stems from
I'm a nighttime truck driver, so

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I'm gone all night and I sleep
all day. And so my wife,

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who's involved in our church, keeps
getting more and more involved in different activities

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and programs, and I think called
peel the onion, where it's like a

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therapy for people get rid of their
past regressions. Anyway, so she's more

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and more involved and she's more and
more gone from the house. Mm hmm.

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You're sleeping anyway during the day,
yes, okay, but it happened

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into nighttime activities with the with the
girls, and it's it's almost every day

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of the week type thing. And
and you know, I'm feeling like I'm

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not getting enough lifetime fair and I'm
feeling left out and I'm feeling jealous of

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her. Oh did you express it
like that? Yeah? Well, so

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Friday we had a big blowout about
it, and I mean, she knows

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how I feel about it. And
I told her it's it's becoming more and

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more and I'm seeing less and less
of you, and I feel it's hurting

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our relationship. Yeah, that's fair
to say. And what was her response,

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animosity? Okay, So Friday,
I go to pick up a prescription

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and on the way out, the
pharmacist compliments the shirt that I have on.

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Okay, and so my wife is
a stay at home wife, she

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doesn't have to work, and so
I told her, yeah, the guy

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just complimented my shirt. And I
said, I'm thinking about buying another one,

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and these are one hundred dollars shirts. And she said, well,

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you've been spending a lot of money
on yourself lately, and I and I

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snapped back by saying, yeah,
well I work. I think I deserve

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it, and that started a whole
thing to words gave me. She gave

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me the cold shoulder, and she
says, you know, hours later,

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or maybe over the weekend, she
said, what you said hurt me so

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bad. You made me feel like
I'm worthless by saying that what I said.

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Okay, so do you guys have
children? Mark, I need to

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interrupt because we're on radio and we
don't have time. Okay, so let

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me say this. Basically, I'm
going to translate what your argument was.

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You are feeling abandoned by her because
you're working all the time, and then

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you want to see her, and
she's getting more and more involved in another

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social life for social support almost every
night of the week. So you guys

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have an argument where you're saying,
I don't feel you love me enough.

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I don't feel you want to spend
time with me, and then you do

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a tit for tat and do the
same thing back. When she says you

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know you're spending a lot of money
on yourself, you say, well,

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Lisa, I work, So you
implied you're not valuable. Right, So

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you've each implied that each other are
not valuable, and the way you get

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back to love is in a moment
of repair. You do that translation,

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you say, I was trying to
tell you that I feel not valuable to

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you, and then I accidentally told
you that you didn't seem valuable to me.

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But we both need each other.
You need to you know, whatever

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the work you do in the house, I appreciate and then talk about it,

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But you guys have to get together
in a place of repair and love.

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Instead of accusing you do this,
you do that. You do that,

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stay on yourself and also ask how
words, how can we solve this?

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What can the remedy be? Instead
of like you need to not go

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out so much, or you need
to do that, forget all that,

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just talk about I feel this and
how can we solve this? And if

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you guys can't come up with ideas
and solutions together, then I highly recommend

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you go see a marriage and family
therapist, that you find the time to

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make your relationship a priority because right
now you're both drifting apart. She's drifting

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apart with getting other social support.
You're drifting apart because you're working. I

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understand the night shift is really rough
on relationships. You're working all night and

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sleeping all day. You guys have
to find some common ground to get back

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into love. Thank you so much
for calling, Mark, and I'm so

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sorry you're going through this. Okay, if you'd like to call in the

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00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:14.960
numbers one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. If you're watching

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on Instagram and you can't hear the
caller, you can download the iHeartRadio app

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and you can hear both sides of
the conversation, although I do try to

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repeat the question. Okay, so
I have a question that just came in

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on Instagram. Here we go,
Dear doctor Wendy, any tips for moving

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on after a four year relationship.
To make a long story short, I'm

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a bisexual woman who is involved with
a married straight woman. I met her

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at work, fell in love unexpectedly
on a drunken night. I want to

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pause right there. Anybody who falls
in love unexpectedly is not aware of their

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needs, is not aware of who
they want to be in relationships. And

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you need to go to therapy so
that you're not sort of blind, like

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some kind of emotional hijacking. Happens
to you. Then she said, I

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never thought i'd be in between anyone's
marriage. But it's complicated. At first,

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I had no idea she was married. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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yeah. Then you're tached, you're
into it. But she made the first

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move and things progress from there.
She almost separated from her husband, but

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decided to stay for the kids and
financial reasons. And I'm left with a

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broken heart. He has no clue
about me. She never told him.

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My advice to you is heal and
move on. You learn something really valuable

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here. You've learned that when you
get involved with somebody who has a primary

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partner, there's a very good chance
that it's not going to turn into a

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full time relationship. It is hard
to get over. Spend some time grieving,

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go to therapy, find out why
you were blindsided for love by love

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and not aware of your needs.
It is very important. I'm so sorry

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00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:59.599
going through this. I know it's
painful, but you learned something really important,

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didn't you. All right, if
you'd like to call in, the

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00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:07.240
number is one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. That's one

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00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:11.920
eight hundred five to zero one KFI. You are listening to the doctor Wendy

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00:19:11.920 --> 00:19:15.160
Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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00:19:15.559 --> 00:19:21.759
You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand KFI AM six forty.

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00:19:21.799 --> 00:19:23.759
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.

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I am taking your calls weighing in
on your relationship life for my drive

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00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:33.079
by makeshift Relationship Advice. Okay,
producer Kayla. Who do we have on

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the phone. We have Veronica.
Hi, Veronica, It's doctor Wendy.

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Hi, Doctor Wendy. What's your
question? Love? And I'm listening to

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00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:45.440
you for a long time. Oh, thank you? What's your what's your

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question? I have a girlfriend who
who are? Our relationship has pretty much

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come to an absolute stop and it's
been I've given her some time, you

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know, to what it is that
she had a problem with, you know,

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to get over. Because she's a
Taurus. My son's a Tarus.

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I know how bullheaded they can get
in there thinking. So I was giving

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you a room. I've attempted,
you know, numerous times to contact her

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a text, you know, and
I know she's reading them, but I

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have she's not responding, and I
just don't really quite know what to do.

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Is going on six months now.
It hurts so haright with her,

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Veronica, let me tell you it
has happened to me. It's happened to

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me right now with one of my
friends who I care about deeply. I'm

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still not sure why she's mad.
And I will tell you this, even

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though it is very, very painful
to us, the one, excuse me,

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the one who's being ghosted or ostracized
or given the silent treatment too.

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Even though it's painful to us,
they are not deliberately trying to hurt us.

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What they are doing is trying to
cope with their own feelings because they

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were ever given language for words or
language for feelings. They were never giving

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words for feelings. So the only
thing they know is to distract themselves and

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move along because they can't. Now. I have to tell you I have

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a friend who did this to me
many many, many years ago. It

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lasted for many months as well.
We both had children at the same elementary

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school. And one day, months
into it, after I texted and called

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and said, you know what's up
and why are you mad at me?

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Whatever? And no response, no
response, no response. I see her

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walking across the schoolyard and she and
I literally have to pass each other.

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We're both going different directions, we
have to walk past each other. There's

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no one else around. You can't
not acknowledge somebody. And I said good

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morning, and she started crying.
She threw herself into my arms. She

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said, my best friend just died, her best friend from childhood. And

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because she was in a vulnerable mond
moment and full of sympathy, she was

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able to open up and connect.
Now it's ten years later, we're fine,

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we've been fine. And I said, what happened back then? Why'd

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you ghost me out? What's the
deal? What does it feel like for

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you? Help me understand? And
she said, there are no words.

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It's like I don't know what to
do. I don't know what to say,

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so I just do nothing because it's
like when I try to think of

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what to do, there's just a
blank space in my head. So as

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much as we who have been shut
out, imagine that they're sitting at home

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00:22:36.680 --> 00:22:41.519
going, hey, I am not
going to answer that text, but that

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hurts her, they're not. They
see it, get slightly ruffled and distract

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00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:52.720
themselves with something else they can't even
bring themselves to focus on this because they

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were not taught as children how to
voice their feelings and they can't. So

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00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:04.599
it's important, Veronica, that you
still love yourself and I know you miss

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her. You're going to have to
replace her. There's nothing you can do

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at this point except to move on
and know that you are lovable and you

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are deserving a friendship. Thank you
so much for calling with that question,

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Veronica. It's something that happens to
so many people, and I'm glad you

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shared it. All Right, we
have a little more time. I want

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to go to social media. Here's
some relationship questions that are pressing and people

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ask a lot. How about this
one, Dear doctor Wendy, how fast

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is too fast when starting to date
someone, as in the time spent together,

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affection, intimacy, et cetera.
This is a question asked by people

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who probably had a you know,
dysfunctional model for love, and so they're

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00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:55.079
always like, is this normal?
They're asking themselves, is this too fast?

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00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:56.680
Is this too slow? Should I
be having sex? Now? Should

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00:23:56.680 --> 00:24:03.279
I be? Because they don't really
know what feels right to them, So

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I think it's important that you get
in touch with yourself and your body to

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see about that pace. I'll tell
you what's not normal. What's not normal

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is too much too soon. If
you meet somebody on an app and you're

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suddenly texting every date, no,
no, no, no, that's way

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too fast. Intimacy, you know, it slowly opens up and you must

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meet in the real world. To
develop real intimacy. You must be able

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to, at the very beginning say
things like, you know, I'd like

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to share that with you, but
I don't think we're there yet. I

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00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:34.599
don't think I'm ready to share that
with you. That's called being intimate,

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00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:44.440
but having boundaries and then slowly opening
up affection. It should take time.

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00:24:45.200 --> 00:24:49.240
Somebody shouldn't be, you know,
manhandling you on a first date shouldn't happen.

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00:24:49.880 --> 00:24:53.359
It should be And I'm watching what
they're exhibiting on the Golden Bachelor and

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00:24:53.400 --> 00:24:56.440
I'm gonna throw up, because no, you should have a couple of dates

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before you hold hands. And the
good guys nowadays ask, they say,

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00:25:03.400 --> 00:25:06.880
hey, can I hold your hand? And you move slowly towards it.

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00:25:07.799 --> 00:25:11.920
The research is clear. The longer
you wait to develop the physical relationship not

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00:25:12.160 --> 00:25:17.200
I mean full on sex, I
mean affection. Hold hand holding, hugging,

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00:25:17.599 --> 00:25:19.480
kissing on the cheek, whatever,
that can happen fairly soon, but

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00:25:21.000 --> 00:25:26.240
moving towards a deep sexual relationship should
happen after you've developed the most important thing

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00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:32.039
you're going to need in your relationship. Trust. If you don't fully trust

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00:25:32.039 --> 00:25:36.079
somebody, you should not be having
sex with them. If you can't talk

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00:25:36.119 --> 00:25:40.079
to them about sex or your reservations, or you're wanting to slow things down,

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00:25:40.279 --> 00:25:45.920
then you shouldn't be having sex with
them. And I think all relationships

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00:25:45.359 --> 00:25:51.720
have a time at the beginning.
I call it the time of unknowing or

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nobody you know, both sides don't
know, like do they like me?

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00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:56.160
Do they like me? And that's
sort of an exciting time because you've got

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00:25:56.160 --> 00:26:00.960
some nervous chemicals along with your attraction
action chemicals, the neurochemistry, right,

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00:26:02.559 --> 00:26:07.680
So just stay strong, slow things
down. There's all the time in the

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00:26:07.720 --> 00:26:11.799
world to develop a relationship. And
I know you're saying some of you out

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00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:15.079
there, but they'll leave. They'll
leave if I ask them to wait too

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00:26:15.119 --> 00:26:18.160
long. And then you should do
the touchdown cheer because they're not your person.

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00:26:18.759 --> 00:26:22.079
If they don't understand you and empathize
with what you're going through. They're

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not your person. And that's the
other great thing that everyone needs to learn

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in human mating. When to let
go, know when to hold them and

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when to fold them. Right,
Okay, do I have time for one

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00:26:37.519 --> 00:26:40.920
more rowell? Or we know no
at the end? Okay, So slow

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00:26:40.920 --> 00:26:42.680
it down, everybody. I preach
slow love, all right? When we

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00:26:42.839 --> 00:26:48.000
come back, Oh right, on
that same subject, how to find love

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00:26:48.559 --> 00:26:51.960
without having to hook up? Want
me come back. You're listening to the

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00:26:51.960 --> 00:26:55.960
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM
six forty. We're live everywhere on the

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00:26:55.960 --> 00:27:03.119
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI
AM six forty on demand kf I Am

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00:27:03.119 --> 00:27:04.759
six forty. You have Doctor Wendy
Walsh with you. This is the home

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00:27:04.759 --> 00:27:08.640
stretch of the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show. It's a question that comes up all

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00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:11.960
the time, especially right now.
So I just want to explain why the

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00:27:12.039 --> 00:27:17.480
problem exists. We have an oversupply
of successful women when we have too many

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00:27:17.519 --> 00:27:21.480
successful women. Women, of course, have the economics to be able to

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00:27:21.759 --> 00:27:26.640
enjoy sex for sex's sake. They
can enjoy their bodies. They've got the

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00:27:26.640 --> 00:27:30.920
birth control pill. They can hook
up and have fun and it's great why

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00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:37.400
not, Well, because here's what
happens to men. When women put as

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00:27:37.440 --> 00:27:41.160
I like to say, sex out
into the economy in high supply, men

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00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:45.759
get lazy. They don't have to
try. I mean, one of the

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00:27:45.799 --> 00:27:49.119
reasons historically that men have worked hard
to raise money is to impress a woman

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00:27:49.720 --> 00:27:52.960
so that they could pay for nice
dates, impress her with a fancy car.

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00:27:53.519 --> 00:27:59.319
But now he can sit swiping through
those dating apps and just see who

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00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:04.759
wants to hook up tonight. And
yet women are pressed during their reproductive years

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00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:08.359
to find a mate if they'd like
to have a mate who would also contribute

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00:28:08.359 --> 00:28:11.119
more than genes, to find a
mate who would like to stay around.

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00:28:12.160 --> 00:28:18.200
And so women and men, I
will say, aren't happy, many of

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00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:22.000
them with the hook up culture,
but they don't know any other way,

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00:28:22.799 --> 00:28:30.000
because it's become normalized. There are
many young people who meet by text,

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00:28:30.319 --> 00:28:36.400
meet and have sex before developing a
relationship, and then one of them goes

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00:28:36.400 --> 00:28:41.079
to each other and that's that,
and it happens every day in this city.

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00:28:41.480 --> 00:28:47.480
A new study published in the Review
of General Psychology found that hookups have

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00:28:47.599 --> 00:28:52.359
become the standard part of the contemporary
dating scene, and they blame dating apps

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00:28:52.440 --> 00:29:00.799
the Researchers say dating apps offer convenience
and access to a vast pool oftent partners,

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00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:07.519
and they also have an emphasis on
quick and superficial connections. So therefore

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00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:15.079
quantity seems to become the goal over
quality. I was looking at one of

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00:29:15.079 --> 00:29:18.119
the questions that someone DMed me earlier, and I didn't get a chance to

387
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:22.000
get to it. But it was
like, how come I text these guys

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00:29:22.000 --> 00:29:25.279
on dating apps and they don't seem
to want to get together in the real

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00:29:25.319 --> 00:29:30.640
world. Are they just collecting women? Yeah, that's what they're doing,

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00:29:30.279 --> 00:29:33.480
they literally. So let me explain
how men and women use dating apps very

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00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:37.519
differently men are When women get on
a dating app. First of all,

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00:29:37.640 --> 00:29:45.319
they look at a man's profile,
They analyze every photograph, They read what

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00:29:45.440 --> 00:29:49.440
he writes, They read into what
he writes. They imagine what that is

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00:29:49.480 --> 00:29:55.200
a metaphor for, or they imagine
what he really means. Then they scrutinize

395
00:29:55.240 --> 00:30:00.480
those photos. They try to decide
whether that lamp behind him is from Restoration

396
00:30:00.599 --> 00:30:04.279
Hardware or Ikea. They try to
decide if the hat is hiding a bald

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00:30:04.279 --> 00:30:08.279
head or not. They try to
decide, you know, who took that

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00:30:08.440 --> 00:30:14.079
picture? Does he have no friends
because he's alone in his bathroom with the

399
00:30:14.079 --> 00:30:17.599
toilet in the background. Oh no, guys don't, okay. And so

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00:30:17.799 --> 00:30:22.359
women scrutinize and they're very selective with
who they match with, and they get

401
00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:26.000
very excited because when they finally find
one that they match with and they really

402
00:30:26.079 --> 00:30:30.359
like him, almost always it's a
match. All of a sudden, the

403
00:30:30.359 --> 00:30:33.759
app goes it's a match. The
stars and stripes happen. I don't know,

404
00:30:34.200 --> 00:30:37.519
fireworks go off on those apps.
But you know how men use those

405
00:30:37.519 --> 00:30:42.559
apps, Ladies, They swipe on
every single woman, They match with every

406
00:30:42.599 --> 00:30:48.599
woman, and they just see who
likes them. So don't get overly excited

407
00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:53.839
because they're message box fills up with
twenty women really quick, and when they're

408
00:30:53.839 --> 00:30:56.799
bored, they go through and shoot
a few messages, and a few of

409
00:30:56.839 --> 00:31:02.039
them. They wait till Friday night
when it's late, and then they say,

410
00:31:02.079 --> 00:31:07.960
who wants to listen? A young
woman I know had never spoken to

411
00:31:08.000 --> 00:31:15.440
a man ever in her life and
on a DM, no, hello,

412
00:31:17.240 --> 00:31:19.359
no, please to meet you.
Hey, I've been following you, you're

413
00:31:19.359 --> 00:31:25.440
pretty whatever. Nothing. The DM
just said tonight or tomorrow night. That's

414
00:31:25.480 --> 00:31:32.200
all it said. The audacity isn't
that crazy tonight or tomorrow night? What

415
00:31:32.240 --> 00:31:40.519
did that person say? Bad?
She said for what? And he said

416
00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:45.079
ice cream, which I think could
have been a metaphor. I don't ice

417
00:31:45.079 --> 00:31:48.920
cream. I don't know. She
ghosted him after that. Good. Yeah,

418
00:31:48.960 --> 00:31:52.279
no social skills. He was an
athlete, just saying they're not known

419
00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:56.680
for their eloquence when it comes to
words. Okay, So let me tell

420
00:31:56.680 --> 00:32:00.359
you how you can find love without
being pressured to put out so quickly.

421
00:32:00.359 --> 00:32:02.319
Because women ask me all the time, but the guys say, if we

422
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:07.119
don't have sex first, then don't
be with him. And if you say

423
00:32:07.160 --> 00:32:12.400
no to enough of them, I
always want to remind you. Even in

424
00:32:12.440 --> 00:32:15.200
a so I talk about an oversupply
of successful women in the mating marketplace.

425
00:32:15.599 --> 00:32:22.599
So even if there's a bumper crop
of tomatoes one season and the price of

426
00:32:22.680 --> 00:32:30.359
tomatoes drops to one cent ahead,
I promise you there is still a market

427
00:32:30.160 --> 00:32:37.799
for an organic, heirloom artisan tomato
that is two dollars ahead. So which

428
00:32:37.839 --> 00:32:45.039
tomato are you? If you value
yourself and just wait and are known by

429
00:32:45.079 --> 00:32:50.680
saying no, no, no,
no no, then eventually somebody is going

430
00:32:50.759 --> 00:32:54.160
to say WHOA This person likes themselves
this person. I'm ready to wait for

431
00:32:54.240 --> 00:32:59.720
this person. This is amazing.
So let's talk about how you can find

432
00:32:59.759 --> 00:33:02.480
love without having a hook up.
First of all, replace the dating app

433
00:33:02.599 --> 00:33:07.880
if you have to use technology,
Join common interest online communities instead. We

434
00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:10.599
talked about this at the beginning of
my show. Whether they're on Patreon,

435
00:33:10.920 --> 00:33:15.799
meet up wherever it may be.
Join online communities where you can keep your

436
00:33:15.799 --> 00:33:22.440
cameras on and just meet friends.
Also work your real world social contacts and

437
00:33:22.640 --> 00:33:28.599
attend real world social events. Don't
be shy. Say yes to everything,

438
00:33:28.920 --> 00:33:32.079
business, networking things, anything you
get invited, people's birthday parties, or

439
00:33:32.119 --> 00:33:37.599
you barely know. Just get out
there. Get out there all right now.

440
00:33:37.759 --> 00:33:42.240
When you do meet somebody, do
not be shy. Be very honest

441
00:33:42.279 --> 00:33:47.720
about your long term goals. There
is nothing shameful about wanting a committed relationship

442
00:33:49.039 --> 00:33:52.400
and wanting a family, So you
should not have to hide that. And

443
00:33:52.480 --> 00:34:00.000
how do you do it? You
engage in meaningful conversations. Don't lead with

444
00:34:00.160 --> 00:34:05.279
sexual attraction. So I had the
funniest conversation with a girlfriend of mine this

445
00:34:05.319 --> 00:34:07.559
week. She has a great boyfriend
now, but she goes So here's the

446
00:34:07.599 --> 00:34:12.760
thing I really love to to really
love to dress slutty, she said.

447
00:34:12.760 --> 00:34:15.639
I love to dress slutty, she
goes, but I never do it in

448
00:34:15.679 --> 00:34:21.400
the first three dates. I always
dress super conservative until he earns it,

449
00:34:22.199 --> 00:34:24.280
and then I show up at all
my sexy attire. So think about that.

450
00:34:24.519 --> 00:34:29.199
She knows how she's marketing yourself.
You can market yourself for short term

451
00:34:29.239 --> 00:34:32.239
relationship, or you can market yourself
for a long term relationship. Two different

452
00:34:32.280 --> 00:34:37.719
sets of attire, two different levels
of conversation. You can lead it also,

453
00:34:38.039 --> 00:34:40.079
dare I say it, don't hook
up, Just don't do it.

454
00:34:40.679 --> 00:34:45.239
Take your time. I know.
Hookup culture glorifies the idea of sexual freedom,

455
00:34:45.880 --> 00:34:52.559
encourages you. They call it feminist. Even no immediate gratification is not

456
00:34:52.719 --> 00:34:59.480
more important than building a deep emotional
connection. And if someone's pressuring you to

457
00:34:59.480 --> 00:35:04.519
have sex or get rid of them, just leave. We're done. That's

458
00:35:04.559 --> 00:35:07.880
how you find love. When I
met my sweet Julio, it was late

459
00:35:07.000 --> 00:35:13.760
least six weeks before we you know, had the fun and merrily still around

460
00:35:13.920 --> 00:35:16.039
still around three and a half years
later. Okay, before we go,

461
00:35:16.079 --> 00:35:20.639
I just want to say something about
Susanne Summers. My heart goes out to

462
00:35:20.719 --> 00:35:27.639
Alan Hamill tonight they were the longest, most loving, most committed couple I've

463
00:35:27.719 --> 00:35:30.639
ever met in my life. We
had conversations a few years ago. They

464
00:35:30.639 --> 00:35:35.840
were approaching their fiftieth wedding anniversary at
that point, and I asked them could

465
00:35:35.880 --> 00:35:39.760
I write a book with them co
author about their love story? And Alan

466
00:35:39.840 --> 00:35:44.280
Hamill called me. He was so
nice. He spent so much time on

467
00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:46.960
the phone talking about my proposal.
Said, you know, basically, we

468
00:35:47.000 --> 00:35:51.239
work with so many doctors with all
the stuff we got going, we already

469
00:35:51.239 --> 00:35:52.920
have deals, but you know,
thank you for sending it. They were

470
00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:59.840
just so sweet in public. They
loved to make jokes about their life together,

471
00:36:00.000 --> 00:36:04.840
pretending or maybe not that it was
hot right till the end in a

472
00:36:05.000 --> 00:36:07.239
public group. He actually went to
my same university, and you know she

473
00:36:07.239 --> 00:36:10.440
met him. She was a nineteen
year old assistant, right, And his

474
00:36:10.800 --> 00:36:15.920
joke is, what was the pickup
line that won over the most beautiful woman

475
00:36:15.920 --> 00:36:19.880
in the world. Well, it
was easy way back then. It was

476
00:36:19.920 --> 00:36:23.440
just dull. Can you get me
a coffee? But he also said the

477
00:36:23.519 --> 00:36:27.719
night he thought up the thigh Master, he was in bed and he said,

478
00:36:28.119 --> 00:36:30.760
and so I didn't want to forget
it, So I rolled off of

479
00:36:30.800 --> 00:36:38.199
Suzanne and wrote it down. They
were adorable. They were a lovely people.

480
00:36:38.400 --> 00:36:43.400
Alan, My heart goes out to
you with the passing of Suzanne Summers

481
00:36:43.440 --> 00:36:47.920
announced today. Such a gem,
such a very bright woman who knew how

482
00:36:47.960 --> 00:36:52.800
to play ditsie. But she was
super bright, super smart. And I

483
00:36:52.800 --> 00:36:55.880
think I'm gonna go out and dig
out my thigh master in honor of her.

484
00:36:57.039 --> 00:36:59.119
You know, they came out with
a vibrating one at the end.

485
00:36:59.400 --> 00:37:04.519
How fun is that? Thanks for
watching it or watching listening to the Dr

486
00:37:04.519 --> 00:37:07.519
Wendywall Show. I'm here every Sunday
from seven to nine pm. You can

487
00:37:07.519 --> 00:37:12.760
also follow me on my social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh

488
00:37:12.800 --> 00:37:15.679
and you can also download the iHeartRadio
app and listen to Doctor Wendy Walsh whenever

489
00:37:15.920 --> 00:37:19.280
you like. Thanks for being with
me and we'll see you next week.

490
00:37:19.320 --> 00:37:22.840
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh
Show and KFI AM six forty. We're

491
00:37:22.880 --> 00:37:27.800
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app,
KFI AM six forty on demand