WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:03.960 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:08.679 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app k I Am six 3 00:00:08.759 --> 00:00:12.439 forty. You have Doctor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:12.599 --> 00:00:18.760 Walsh Show. Oh my goodness, wouldn't it be nice if everybody around us 5 00:00:19.039 --> 00:00:23.960 who was let's say we're single, who was a potential romantic person could just 6 00:00:24.039 --> 00:00:26.679 say it? Could they just come up and go, hey, I'm into 7 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:30.039 you. No, that would be creepy and it would be weird. People 8 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:32.560 do it subtly. Up To tell you, a bunch of years ago, 9 00:00:32.920 --> 00:00:36.479 when I was young, I was doing the Remember the stairs in Santa Monica. 10 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:38.759 They still do that, up and down and up and down those stairs 11 00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:41.560 in Santa Monica Canyon. Yeah, I used to do it ten times. 12 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:44.159 Oh my gosh, it's so much work. And then you'd get to the 13 00:00:44.200 --> 00:00:46.439 top and you'd kind of walk around, cool off a little bit, and 14 00:00:46.439 --> 00:00:49.880 wait, and sometimes people would talk. And this guy walked up to me 15 00:00:50.399 --> 00:00:55.039 and he said the thing that people think would be the logical thing to say. 16 00:00:55.320 --> 00:00:58.560 He just said, Hey, I find myself really attracted to you, 17 00:00:58.560 --> 00:01:02.560 would you like to go out sometime? I swear I ran so fast to 18 00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:04.000 my car and jumped in. I just did the whole No, I have 19 00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:10.359 a boyfriend. By I mean, you gotta build rapport first. You gotta 20 00:01:10.439 --> 00:01:14.359 find a way to just let them know that you're safe. I mean, 21 00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:18.319 that guy could have been an axe murderer. I don't know. He probably 22 00:01:18.359 --> 00:01:22.719 was a really nice guy and he just said his feelings flat out. It 23 00:01:22.799 --> 00:01:26.799 didn't work. It didn't work. You gotta go slow, gentle, look 24 00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:34.560 for reciprocation. So maybe there's somebody out there who's sending those signals to you 25 00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:42.120 and you are not even seeing it. So let's talk about how to tell 26 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:45.239 if someone has a crush on you, or if you're interested in somebody. 27 00:01:45.280 --> 00:01:51.280 Things you can do to sort of send those signals. The first thing is 28 00:01:52.079 --> 00:01:56.200 proximity. Just stand a little closer to them. I don't mean invade their 29 00:01:56.239 --> 00:02:00.879 personal space. That's completely greepy, but you will find that if you're in 30 00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:06.319 sort of a social environment, the people who are attracted to each other are 31 00:02:06.400 --> 00:02:09.360 half a step closer, and they're openly. The body language is open to 32 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:13.800 the person. They're not giving them the shoulder or whatever. So think about 33 00:02:13.800 --> 00:02:20.280 how close this person regularly stands. And along the same lines, how much 34 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:23.680 eye contact do they have? You know, all day long we're running around 35 00:02:23.960 --> 00:02:28.199 talking to all kinds of people in stores, cashiers, and I think to 36 00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:30.960 myself, I rarely look people in the eye and for very long. I 37 00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:35.599 mean, you do. It's a glance. Rights if it's a public thing, 38 00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:38.000 it's the cashier, trader Joe's. You smile, you go, hey, 39 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:40.759 thank you. Yeah, they're all extroverts. They're chatting about how to 40 00:02:40.840 --> 00:02:45.759 use that tomato sauce in some recipe, and you just smile and move along, 41 00:02:46.120 --> 00:02:51.159 and you might hold the little glance for half a second, maybe a 42 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:55.960 second. But if somebody likes you, they look a little longer, just 43 00:02:57.039 --> 00:03:00.159 a little now. It's not a glare. It's not a stare that lasts 44 00:03:00.199 --> 00:03:06.840 for four seconds. That's creepy. But it might be two seconds. And 45 00:03:06.960 --> 00:03:09.120 when they cat they might be looking at you. And then when you look 46 00:03:09.159 --> 00:03:15.639 back, if they look away like they've been caught, that shows they're into 47 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:19.520 you. You see. If it's just like a business relationship and someone's trying 48 00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:22.000 to get your attention because you're late for the meeting, they're like looking at 49 00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:23.039 you like, come on, come on. They're staring at you, and 50 00:03:23.080 --> 00:03:27.360 then you look back and they reiterate with a nod and a look, come 51 00:03:27.400 --> 00:03:30.400 on, let's go right. But if they're into you and you look back, 52 00:03:30.960 --> 00:03:35.360 then they act like, oh, I've just been caught, and they 53 00:03:35.400 --> 00:03:40.039 look away and they look down. So pay attention to these subtle things that 54 00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:46.520 people may be doing around you. Then there are the gestures. I tend 55 00:03:46.520 --> 00:03:50.360 to when I talk use my hands a lot. That's why if you hear 56 00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:53.759 a sound like this, it's because I'm like accidentally hitting the mic because my 57 00:03:53.840 --> 00:03:59.439 hands are moving while I'm talking. But if I like somebody and I want 58 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:02.639 to make a point, I might put like a gentle, gentle touch on 59 00:04:02.680 --> 00:04:05.960 their forearm as I'm enunciating something. No, no, no, it's true. 60 00:04:06.039 --> 00:04:09.240 Let me explain this, I say, Pat, Pat, Pat, 61 00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:14.960 goes my two fingers on their forearm. I emphasize something with a little light 62 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:19.279 touch. Now this is not the thing to do with workplace relationships, Okay, 63 00:04:19.720 --> 00:04:24.879 I mean it's very difficult. I know that you know a lot of 64 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:30.920 people who work together are still getting involved in romantic relationships. It's a territory 65 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:35.160 filled with land mines these days. You know, the love is never the 66 00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:40.319 problem, it's the breakup and somebody runs to hr. Also, the power 67 00:04:40.759 --> 00:04:46.120 differential. If somebody has any kind of authority over somebody's job security, over 68 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:49.079 their paycheck, then you can't be dating at the office. However, maybe 69 00:04:49.079 --> 00:04:53.800 somebody's appear, maybe you're out on your lunch break and you like them, 70 00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:59.680 and you just do a little touch. Maybe that could work. Something happens 71 00:04:59.720 --> 00:05:04.879 to our voices when we are attracted to somebody, Kayla. I know you 72 00:05:04.959 --> 00:05:09.360 know, because you've been listening to my podcast and you've been in my Patreon 73 00:05:09.399 --> 00:05:11.920 a lot. I know you know what happens to women's voices. Do you 74 00:05:11.959 --> 00:05:17.639 know what happens to men's voices when they're interested in somebody? I assumes you 75 00:05:17.639 --> 00:05:23.000 would think, right, because we did that our podcast episode of Maybe Matters 76 00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:25.800 called the Trouble with Testosterone. We had all the men on and they had 77 00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:29.279 the deeper the voices, the higher the testosterone, and we could look at 78 00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:30.560 the length of their ring finger and all that. Yeah, but they don't 79 00:05:30.600 --> 00:05:34.720 put that on. That's just natural higher testosterone. Men have deeper voices, 80 00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:42.759 but they get louder because guys want attention. Right, they're like the peacocks 81 00:05:42.800 --> 00:05:46.120 showing their big tail feathers. So if you notice, like you're at a 82 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:50.079 party and there's one guy that just seems to be a little louder, he 83 00:05:50.199 --> 00:05:55.639 wants to be heard, he wants to be seen. But what women do, 84 00:05:56.120 --> 00:06:00.519 and this is largely unconscious, is they get a little breath. They 85 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:05.639 are, their voices get a little higher and a little breath they are exactly, 86 00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:11.519 yeah, happy birthday, mister president. Suh. So women get a 87 00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:16.040 little softer. It's really funny. Now again I'm talking man woman. Biological 88 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:23.360 sex. We know that gender itself is partially a cultural construct, and so 89 00:06:23.399 --> 00:06:27.040 there are a lot of people who and gender is also a scale. But 90 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:30.759 in general, if you take the two categories of people, even if it's 91 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:35.560 a same sex relationship, people take on gender roles. One person it's going 92 00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:39.519 to be a little softer and more flirtatious, and the other is going to 93 00:06:39.519 --> 00:06:43.920 be a little tougher, no matter what if even if they are the same 94 00:06:43.959 --> 00:06:46.680 sex. Um, all right. The other thing is if this person is 95 00:06:46.680 --> 00:06:48.920 thinking of dumb excuses to see you, and you're like, why do we 96 00:06:48.959 --> 00:06:51.120 need to meet for that? Like? Why is this person they like? 97 00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:58.639 You, that's why they like you. M oh. Another fun physical feature, 98 00:06:59.199 --> 00:07:02.639 women tend to play with their hair when they like somebody, They play 99 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:05.879 with their They flip it, they flip it, flip their hair over their 100 00:07:05.879 --> 00:07:10.160 shoulder. They look, you know, they're flicking with their bangs. They 101 00:07:10.199 --> 00:07:14.959 do. This is what women do. The other thing people of all genders 102 00:07:15.000 --> 00:07:20.360 do when they're attracted to somebody is they test the waters for intimacy, talking 103 00:07:20.360 --> 00:07:28.120 about emotional intimacy by disclosing something personal. And you're like, huh, I 104 00:07:28.199 --> 00:07:30.839 thought this was just an attorney I was talking to and I was maybe gonna 105 00:07:31.000 --> 00:07:34.360 use their services. Why are they showing me pictures of what they did on 106 00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:40.759 the weekend, or they might say somewhere they've been or done. They start 107 00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:46.720 to disclose a little personal information. That's the way of saying I like you. 108 00:07:46.920 --> 00:07:50.079 But the other thing people do when they have a crush on you is 109 00:07:50.120 --> 00:07:54.480 they just, I don't know how to say this nicely. They just act 110 00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:59.879 weird, okay, They trip over things, they they're nervous, okay, 111 00:08:00.199 --> 00:08:03.160 And if you look at them compared to other people in your circle, you're 112 00:08:03.160 --> 00:08:07.319 like, why are they acting that way? They're saying things around Okay, 113 00:08:07.360 --> 00:08:11.439 so I'm telling you a funny story. I had a crush on a guy 114 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:13.360 once and he came. I showed him my new car. He came and 115 00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:18.040 sat in my car, and I was talking about the new stereo system and 116 00:08:18.160 --> 00:08:20.480 I said, oh, and there's even room here for like an eight track 117 00:08:20.879 --> 00:08:28.240 or cassette. Okay, it was a modern car with apps and Bluetooth. 118 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:31.200 What the heck was I saying. I was like, somehow going back to 119 00:08:31.200 --> 00:08:35.159 the eighties in my brain or something. It was just the most bizarre thing. 120 00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:39.720 But we do. We misspeak, we trip over things, we stumble. 121 00:08:41.159 --> 00:08:43.440 We do that when we're into somebody. All right, when we come 122 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:48.039 back, I am going to my social media to answer some of your sometimes 123 00:08:48.159 --> 00:08:54.039 very personal relationship questions. If you'd like to send a question in Kayala is 124 00:08:54.039 --> 00:08:58.679 going to be monitoring the dms on Instagram and TikTok. The handle everywhere is 125 00:08:58.720 --> 00:09:03.440 at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. If I don't get to it 126 00:09:03.480 --> 00:09:05.240 this week, I'll get to it next week. But feel free to send 127 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:09.080 me a relationship question because it's my honor to weigh in on your love life. 128 00:09:09.240 --> 00:09:13.919 You are listening to the doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. 129 00:09:13.120 --> 00:09:18.840 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 130 00:09:18.879 --> 00:09:24.200 on demand from kf I AM six forty. Pay bye Am six forty. 131 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:28.080 Your doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 132 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:31.240 If you'd like to call me, this is your time. I'm taking your 133 00:09:31.279 --> 00:09:35.200 calls. I'm going to social media to answer your questions. Producer Kayla, 134 00:09:35.240 --> 00:09:39.080 are you there to answer the lines? Of course, she's run into the 135 00:09:39.080 --> 00:09:43.399 phone. One eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred 136 00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:48.120 five two zero one five three four. Just a reminder, I'm a psychology 137 00:09:48.200 --> 00:09:52.159 professor, but I do have a PhD in clinical psychology. I've written three 138 00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:58.120 books on relationships and a dissertation on attachment theory. And I'd like to call 139 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:01.440 this my drive by makeshift relationship advice because I'm not a therapist. It's fun 140 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:07.639 and it's interesting, and also i just love to weigh in on people's lives. 141 00:10:07.759 --> 00:10:11.000 Okay, well, you're taking calls one eight hundred five two zero one 142 00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:16.200 KFI. I'm going to go to social media. Here we go. Hey, 143 00:10:16.279 --> 00:10:20.399 doctor Wendy. Oh, it's a heavy one. I asked my husband 144 00:10:20.399 --> 00:10:24.279 for a divorce after twenty years of marriage. I want to pause right there 145 00:10:24.360 --> 00:10:28.120 to give you a little science. So the research says this fifty percent divorce 146 00:10:28.240 --> 00:10:33.480 rate that you hear about all the time actually isn't true at any stage of 147 00:10:33.519 --> 00:10:37.200 a marriage. If you've been together five years, you basically you got an 148 00:10:37.200 --> 00:10:41.759 eighty five percent chance of staying together for life. If you've been married ten 149 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:46.840 years, it goes down. Twenty years is when you hit that fifty percent 150 00:10:46.120 --> 00:10:50.919 divorce rate. And let's think about what goes on at the twenty year mark. 151 00:10:50.519 --> 00:10:58.200 People's contracts have changed. If you got together to build your careers and 152 00:10:58.320 --> 00:11:01.960 create a family and buy a house, at the twenty year mark, you've 153 00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:05.919 got kids graduating from high school, you might have one left in the nest 154 00:11:07.039 --> 00:11:09.039 about to head off to college, and then you're looking around and going, 155 00:11:09.559 --> 00:11:15.559 huh, so what do I want to do next? And do I want 156 00:11:15.600 --> 00:11:20.080 this partner with me to do those next things? You know, until death 157 00:11:20.120 --> 00:11:24.320 do us part was invented, death was pretty imminent, and even some of 158 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:30.639 the most monogamous people may find themselves having two or three long stints of monogamy 159 00:11:30.679 --> 00:11:33.919 with some mate selection in between. We call that dating. So I'm just 160 00:11:33.960 --> 00:11:37.279 going to pause there and say it's not uncommon. It's very common to get 161 00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:41.159 this sentence. I asked my husband for a divorce after twenty years of marriage. 162 00:11:41.320 --> 00:11:43.559 This is the time where they look at each other and go, who 163 00:11:43.600 --> 00:11:48.120 are you? The roles we picked? Those jobs have been done. Now 164 00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:52.679 what are we going to do now? It is possible to rewrite your relationship 165 00:11:52.720 --> 00:11:56.559 contract? Though. All right, let's go back to this listener's message. 166 00:11:58.279 --> 00:12:05.159 Throughout our marriage, he has negatively about me to others. So for twenty 167 00:12:05.279 --> 00:12:09.360 years, you gave silent permission for this. For some reason, you gave 168 00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:16.279 silent permission. There was a final straw. I overheard a conversation about me 169 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:22.240 and our relationship. And he was having this conversation with a new female employee 170 00:12:22.559 --> 00:12:28.919 we had recently hired. Oh, hold the press right there. We had 171 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:33.159 recently hired. So this is not just a marriage, This is a business 172 00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:39.440 partnership. Oh, there's much more going on here. This was on top 173 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:43.879 of other inappropriate actions he had with her. Actions Now we're talking about maybe 174 00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:50.039 physical touch. It seems like he always searches for sympathy and plays the victim 175 00:12:50.279 --> 00:12:54.679 with other females. Okay, so I just want to I'm using this question 176 00:12:54.320 --> 00:12:58.799 as a way to educate everybody about how relationship should go. If you want 177 00:12:58.840 --> 00:13:03.320 to a healthy relationship, you got to dump the victim routine. Okay. 178 00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:07.200 Everybody has a hard life, everybody has bad days. The other person is 179 00:13:07.240 --> 00:13:11.559 not responsible for your happiness. Okay. So I understand you can't argue with 180 00:13:11.559 --> 00:13:13.960 the victim because they sit there saying, but what about me? This bad 181 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:16.799 thing happened to me, and you can't argue with it. It's like, 182 00:13:16.919 --> 00:13:22.679 okay, right. Then she says it seems like he always searches for sympathy. 183 00:13:22.000 --> 00:13:26.679 Then she says, we're currently separated and would still like to have a 184 00:13:26.720 --> 00:13:31.840 friendship while we figure things out. What do you make of this, she 185 00:13:31.960 --> 00:13:35.000 asked me. Huh, Well, I don't know because I am not in 186 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:39.360 your marriage. But I will say this, if you're separated and you have 187 00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:46.039 asked for a divorce, divorce shouldn't be used as a threat. But then 188 00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:48.159 you want your cake and you want to eat it too. We're still friends. 189 00:13:48.919 --> 00:13:52.960 Here's the thing, you know. Last week we talked about being undivorced 190 00:13:54.440 --> 00:14:00.600 and how people keep others around as primary attachment figures in some way. Yeah, 191 00:14:01.360 --> 00:14:03.200 yeah, it can work, and especially of the kids. And there 192 00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:07.600 are reasons why it can work. But it sounds like you're unhappy in this 193 00:14:07.679 --> 00:14:11.559 relationship and you're ready to move on. So I highly suggest, if he 194 00:14:11.600 --> 00:14:16.120 won't get into couples therapy with you, that you go see an individual therapist 195 00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:20.559 and spend some time figuring out your feelings. This isn't a quick decision. 196 00:14:20.559 --> 00:14:24.080 You also haven't mentioned whether there are kids involved, how old the kids might 197 00:14:24.120 --> 00:14:28.200 be. This business, I mean, how do you work together in a 198 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:31.000 business if your divorce. People do make this transition, but it takes a 199 00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:37.159 lot of conscious work on both sides. And you know what, congratulations, 200 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:43.120 you're at the beginning of doing the work. Thanks for writing. All right, 201 00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:48.080 Hi, doctor Wendy. How can I get over my insecurities in dating? 202 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:52.720 I seem to always give my power away? Well, the good news 203 00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:56.960 I hear right here is that you know you have power? Right, why 204 00:14:56.000 --> 00:15:01.559 are you giving it away? I wish I you could tell me specific examples 205 00:15:03.039 --> 00:15:07.960 of what you're doing to quote give your power away. I hope if you're 206 00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:11.720 female, it's not about giving sex too. Early and then having them disappear, 207 00:15:11.759 --> 00:15:16.399 and then you're feeling lost, like you've been used in some way. 208 00:15:16.600 --> 00:15:20.120 I hope it's not that you're a man and you're spending way too much money 209 00:15:20.159 --> 00:15:24.960 on a woman too early, or really devoting too much time before she's reciprocated. 210 00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:31.440 That's giving away your power too early. The answer is with everybody, 211 00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:35.480 and I say this all the time, you can't magically. I did say 212 00:15:35.559 --> 00:15:39.720 positive affirmations, and positive affirmations are great, and they're one way to start 213 00:15:39.080 --> 00:15:45.840 with building self esteem. But I think you're going to have to really spend 214 00:15:45.879 --> 00:15:50.559 some time doing the personal growth work, going to a therapist, finding out 215 00:15:50.679 --> 00:15:54.559 what happened to make you feel insecure. Maybe it's your attachment style. Now, 216 00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:58.799 I always talk about attachment style. If you're somebody who's been listening to 217 00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:03.559 my show for a long time, you know that romantic attachment style is something 218 00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:07.919 hardwired in our brain. It's kind of like our model for love, our 219 00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:11.360 version for love, our way that we think love should be. And it 220 00:16:11.559 --> 00:16:15.200 is often related to partly genetic predisposition, just how we're born, but also 221 00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:21.639 how caregivers took care of us in the earliest, earliest stage of our life. 222 00:16:21.720 --> 00:16:25.840 I'll hear people say, how is it possible this girl acts like she 223 00:16:25.879 --> 00:16:27.639 has daddy issues. She hooks up with these guys and they use her and 224 00:16:27.639 --> 00:16:32.039 they treat her bad, and she can't have a healthy relationship because she's dating 225 00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:36.159 just bad guys and they don't stay around. But she had these really good 226 00:16:36.279 --> 00:16:38.879 parents, really lovely parents. I've met them. In fact, they're very 227 00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:44.080 nice. I've heard stories like this all the time. And I remind you 228 00:16:44.120 --> 00:16:48.399 about this. Our public personality and our private personality are two different things. 229 00:16:48.840 --> 00:16:52.840 And also the parents who had in high school may not be the same parents 230 00:16:52.840 --> 00:16:56.840 who had screaming over the crib when everyone was freaking out about the crying baby, 231 00:16:57.240 --> 00:17:03.919 Like you don't know what happened. Most of our attachment stuff gets implanted 232 00:17:03.960 --> 00:17:07.440 when we are pre verbal, when we don't have memories for these things. 233 00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:12.759 And so even the most parents that gave you the you know, the right 234 00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:18.119 schools and the teams and the sports and the clothes and the right house, 235 00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:22.240 and they stayed together and they seem like such nice people, you don't know 236 00:17:22.759 --> 00:17:27.559 how they responded to your genes when you were twelve months old, when you 237 00:17:27.599 --> 00:17:30.160 were needing to be held and they were saying, they've got to learn to 238 00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:33.480 cry it out. Let's toughen them up a little bit. You just don't 239 00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:38.319 know. So generally, when you say you trade in your power with dating, 240 00:17:38.960 --> 00:17:45.880 I hear an insecure attachment style which can be healed through therapy. I 241 00:17:45.960 --> 00:17:51.160 want to say that. But the other thing is I hear that you're wanting 242 00:17:51.160 --> 00:17:53.039 to make a change, and this is the time to do it. So 243 00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:56.319 it starts off with these questions, it starts off to writing to me, 244 00:17:56.680 --> 00:18:00.680 and then it's about you saying I am going to date differently, I am 245 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:06.519 going to behave differently. I'm going to react differently to people. And this 246 00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:11.039 we can do. We have control, We have the ability to say no, 247 00:18:11.880 --> 00:18:15.200 I deserve better. I'm not going to be treated that way. It 248 00:18:15.319 --> 00:18:19.279 happened to me. I know it can work because I literally got to a 249 00:18:19.279 --> 00:18:25.799 point where I's like, I don't want to deal with avoidant people or people 250 00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:29.640 who hurt me. I just want to deal with people who can have a 251 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:33.559 secure attachment. And if you wonder what a secure attachment feels like, people 252 00:18:33.559 --> 00:18:37.960 with a secure attachment move away from those who are abusive, They move away 253 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:41.000 from those who can't connect. They just go, oh, you know, 254 00:18:41.240 --> 00:18:42.920 and they don't make a whole big deal about it. I just say, 255 00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:48.359 yeah, it's probably a bad match. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on 256 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:53.200 demand from KF I am sixty six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with 257 00:18:53.279 --> 00:18:59.359 you. I am answering your direct messages on Instagram. The handle is at 258 00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:02.400 doctor wend Walsh. I know some of you called in. I know you 259 00:19:02.519 --> 00:19:06.400 got shy. These are intimate, tender topics, and I know it's scary 260 00:19:06.440 --> 00:19:11.079 to be on the radio because what if you're significant other listens. So it's 261 00:19:11.079 --> 00:19:15.319 okay to DM me. I'll answer, I'll read it out, no sweat 262 00:19:15.799 --> 00:19:19.640 all right, let's head over to Instagram. Dear doctor Wendy. Oh, 263 00:19:21.480 --> 00:19:26.200 my girlfriend thinks I cheated. I don't think I did. You don't think 264 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:30.599 you did? Okay, I went to Vegas. Oh you know where this 265 00:19:30.680 --> 00:19:34.039 is going. I went to Vegas and got a couple of girls numbers as 266 00:19:34.039 --> 00:19:40.000 a bet with my friends. I never called them. She's really mad at 267 00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:42.559 me. I didn't cheat, though, Am I wrong for what I did? 268 00:19:44.319 --> 00:19:48.400 Is this cheating? Well, you know, cheating means that you're breaking 269 00:19:48.519 --> 00:19:55.160 the rules. What were the rules? In your relationship, right, and 270 00:19:55.880 --> 00:20:00.200 what is the whole context of your relationship. Were you going through a vulnerable 271 00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:03.920 period? Are you in a fragile time where this could seem like a very 272 00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:08.880 dangerous thing to be getting phone numbers of backup mates? Also, how did 273 00:20:08.920 --> 00:20:14.039 she find out? Did she see the phone numbers lying around? Did someone 274 00:20:14.119 --> 00:20:15.880 tell her this happened, or did you come home and say, hey, 275 00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:18.720 honey, here's a deal, here's what happened. I want you to know. 276 00:20:18.839 --> 00:20:23.759 It was just a bunch of guys being guys and whatever. How you 277 00:20:23.759 --> 00:20:29.519 know, if she feels like she found out from somebody else, then she's 278 00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:33.559 wondering if you cheated. Of course she would. We all keep backup mats. 279 00:20:33.599 --> 00:20:36.920 I should say that one time I was on an airplane. I'm so 280 00:20:37.160 --> 00:20:42.640 nosy and intrusive, and there was a guy chatting with a European girl and 281 00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:48.440 she had a very sexy accent, and she was going to Vegas after LA 282 00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:49.720 and he said, oh, I'm gonna be in Vegas this weekend. You 283 00:20:49.720 --> 00:20:52.680 should hang out with me and my buddies. Let me get your number. 284 00:20:52.680 --> 00:20:56.880 We do, and so she goes to the bathroom, and of course I 285 00:20:56.000 --> 00:21:00.880 say something like I can't remember what, but I start a conversation with him 286 00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:03.160 and I said, oh, it looks like you got a chance with this 287 00:21:03.200 --> 00:21:06.039 girl this weekend. And he's like, oh no, no, oh. 288 00:21:06.079 --> 00:21:08.200 I know because earlier he'd said something about his girlfriend to me, and now 289 00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:11.599 I'm seeing him flirting. I go, what's what's up with a girlfriend. 290 00:21:11.799 --> 00:21:12.440 He's like, no, no, no, I have a girlfriend. It 291 00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:17.160 would just be as a friend. And I'm laughing because I'm like, we 292 00:21:17.279 --> 00:21:21.839 all keep backup mates. Did you know there's some research to support the fact 293 00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:25.799 that if you have somebody, not somebody who you openly flirt with, but 294 00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:29.519 somebody who's in your mind that you're like, you know, if something ever 295 00:21:29.640 --> 00:21:33.039 happened in my relationship, or something ever happened to my mate, that at 296 00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:37.519 least I have this to fall back on. Just the fantasy of that actually 297 00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:41.279 provides you with better mental health. Okay, backup mate. Now, if 298 00:21:41.319 --> 00:21:47.000 you're actively flirting with somebody and you're keeping people in the wings and they're a 299 00:21:47.039 --> 00:21:49.680 threat to your relationship, that's not a backup mate, that's an active mate. 300 00:21:51.039 --> 00:21:55.400 That's actually cheating. So the answer is, were you cheating? It 301 00:21:55.480 --> 00:22:02.240 depends what would your girlfriend think about this. I suddenly think if we say 302 00:22:02.480 --> 00:22:07.240 or do anything that we would not do in front of our spouse or significant 303 00:22:07.279 --> 00:22:12.880 other, then we're kind of cheating, right, So would you ask for 304 00:22:12.880 --> 00:22:18.880 a girl's phone numbers in front of her? Probably? Not? All right, 305 00:22:19.160 --> 00:22:23.359 let's see, dear doctor, Wendy, my X and I ended on 306 00:22:23.400 --> 00:22:26.279 a really sour note. He really hurt my feelings, but I never got 307 00:22:26.319 --> 00:22:30.519 over him. I still love him so much, but my head is telling 308 00:22:30.559 --> 00:22:33.000 me he can hurt me again. Without him, though, I feel like 309 00:22:33.079 --> 00:22:37.599 part of me is missing. He wants to try again, but I'm so 310 00:22:37.720 --> 00:22:41.640 torn. What should I do? You know this sounds like the words of 311 00:22:41.640 --> 00:22:45.359 somebody who has an insecure attachment style. When you have a secure attachment style, 312 00:22:45.440 --> 00:22:48.440 you know, you're like if someone hurts you, you move away from 313 00:22:48.480 --> 00:22:52.640 it. You don't go back, right, You're not drawn like a moth 314 00:22:52.720 --> 00:22:56.960 to the fire again, you just know. So I think you need to 315 00:22:56.000 --> 00:23:00.799 work on yourself rather than going back with him. I mean, you very 316 00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:03.680 clearly said that he can hurt you again. I don't know if it's emotional 317 00:23:03.720 --> 00:23:07.880 hurt. I sure hope it's not physical hurt. But no, I wouldn't 318 00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:11.599 go back with him. I would do the work on yourself is what I 319 00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:19.799 would do. Okay, dear doctor Wendy. I recently lost everything, my 320 00:23:19.920 --> 00:23:25.279 job, my car, and my house. My man won't step up for 321 00:23:25.400 --> 00:23:30.000 me the way I think a provider should. I think this is a deal 322 00:23:30.079 --> 00:23:33.519 breaker, but he makes me feel like I'm being unfair. Are my values 323 00:23:33.640 --> 00:23:41.720 outdated? Yes? Okay, let me explain something. When we had these 324 00:23:41.799 --> 00:23:45.920 hard and fast gender roles that said, the man must be the provider, 325 00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:52.799 the woman must be the domestic housekeeper. And by the way, a lot 326 00:23:52.839 --> 00:23:57.039 of relationships still exist that are exactly like that, but they're consensual and agreed 327 00:23:57.079 --> 00:24:03.480 to by both people and they entered into it. Also, the research shows 328 00:24:03.519 --> 00:24:10.319 that as couples rise in economic power, the gender roles become more traditional, 329 00:24:10.480 --> 00:24:14.000 more old fashioned, because if they're both making really good income, or the 330 00:24:14.000 --> 00:24:15.720 household is making a lot of income, then it's like, well, we 331 00:24:15.799 --> 00:24:18.279 might as well have somebody stay home and take care of the house and take 332 00:24:18.319 --> 00:24:22.559 care of the kids. We can afford to do that. The other hand, 333 00:24:23.079 --> 00:24:26.480 in the lower classes, the working classes, and in the middle classes, 334 00:24:27.240 --> 00:24:32.759 not only is it more likely that both partners will be working and provide 335 00:24:32.759 --> 00:24:37.319 an income into the household. But in twenty five percent of these couples in 336 00:24:37.359 --> 00:24:44.400 America, the woman is the bigger provider. Okay, so yeah, your 337 00:24:44.440 --> 00:24:48.920 ideas are outdated. And this is advice that I give to young women all 338 00:24:48.000 --> 00:24:53.319 the time. We are in a time of transition. Mother's and your grandmother's 339 00:24:53.400 --> 00:25:00.880 ideas about relationships and who's going to provide don't exist anymore. Having said that, 340 00:25:00.839 --> 00:25:06.319 you have a fertility window females, and you have to plan for how 341 00:25:06.400 --> 00:25:08.920 you're going to do this. I often tell women, well, you know, 342 00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:12.000 I spent as much time as I could with my kids and really with 343 00:25:12.200 --> 00:25:18.599 them first, and let my career suffer a little a lot. I think 344 00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:22.759 it's the right thing to do to make sacrifices for your children. So at 345 00:25:22.799 --> 00:25:26.759 that point you want to be protected. So the law will protect you somewhat. 346 00:25:27.079 --> 00:25:32.759 But you can also have a prenuptial agreement that says, look, if 347 00:25:32.799 --> 00:25:36.799 I end up taking time off to have children, to raise children, etc. 348 00:25:37.160 --> 00:25:40.920 Then I will get this during that period. But I always tell women, 349 00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:44.039 don't go completely out of the job market, like work in the gig 350 00:25:44.079 --> 00:25:45.920 economy. Keep one foot in. Do something, especially when you have little 351 00:25:47.000 --> 00:25:51.359 kids, like it can keep your brain alive and awake. So yeah, 352 00:25:51.400 --> 00:25:52.759 just because and when you said, my man, I don't even know that 353 00:25:52.759 --> 00:25:56.440 you're married, so you know what, you got a boyfriend and because you 354 00:25:56.480 --> 00:26:00.640 lost your job, you want them to totally support you nowadays not nowadays. 355 00:26:00.920 --> 00:26:06.799 You guys need to be doing so everybody needs to be providing and doing input 356 00:26:07.240 --> 00:26:11.519 into the household as much as possible. All right, when we come back, 357 00:26:11.559 --> 00:26:17.119 I want to talk a little bit about some hacks for married people that 358 00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:22.319 can transform your relationship. And I also want to talk about why people have 359 00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:26.519 this belief system that opposites attract. They do, but it usually doesn't work 360 00:26:26.559 --> 00:26:32.440 out. And I'll explain why you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 361 00:26:32.519 --> 00:26:37.359 kf I am sixty forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This 362 00:26:37.440 --> 00:26:40.640 is the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I was laid on 363 00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:44.240 that queue because I was dancing to Janet Jackson. Oh my gosh, I 364 00:26:44.319 --> 00:26:48.359 love that song. Du all, that's who it was. And she was 365 00:26:48.400 --> 00:26:52.960 like a Laker girl first yeah, oh yes, I remember. And now 366 00:26:52.039 --> 00:26:55.799 isn't she like a judge on one of those singing shows she was on American 367 00:26:55.839 --> 00:26:57.119 idol for a while. I don't think she is anymore, but she was 368 00:26:57.240 --> 00:27:00.480 for sure. That was a bouncy song. I remember it very much, 369 00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:07.200 but it spread a rumor that continues that is that opposites attract. Uh yeah, 370 00:27:07.240 --> 00:27:12.240 maybe a magnets. No, they do attract, but it never works 371 00:27:12.359 --> 00:27:18.519 out. But yet the myth remains because here's the thing. I'll just say. 372 00:27:18.559 --> 00:27:22.680 The truth is, the more you have in common with somebody, the 373 00:27:22.799 --> 00:27:30.640 more likely that the relationship will sustain itself. Opposites feel exciting because we all 374 00:27:30.720 --> 00:27:36.480 have a part of ourselves that we wish we could grow. So extroverts wish 375 00:27:36.480 --> 00:27:40.200 we could shut up more. Introverts wish they could come out of their shell 376 00:27:40.240 --> 00:27:42.240 more. And when you meet somebody who has that other part of you, 377 00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:47.640 you feel like, oh, I'm complete. But then you learn that opposites 378 00:27:47.720 --> 00:27:52.599 actually grind on you after a while, they don't attract. So why does 379 00:27:52.640 --> 00:27:56.119 this myth exist? Well, partly because people don't understand attachment styles. I 380 00:27:56.200 --> 00:27:59.960 rant on it all the time. You guys should all read the book Attack 381 00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:03.839 Matched, which is a beautiful break I didn't write it, but it's a 382 00:28:03.880 --> 00:28:08.279 beautiful breakdown for lay people of attachment theory, so you can understand your own 383 00:28:08.319 --> 00:28:12.279 attachment style. But what happens is when you have somebody who has like an 384 00:28:12.319 --> 00:28:17.480 anxious attachment style and somebody else who has an avoidant attachment style, they trigger 385 00:28:17.519 --> 00:28:21.400 each other and there's a lot of sexual excitement, there's a lot of attraction, 386 00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:25.880 but there's also a lot of emotional pain, and so it doesn't work. 387 00:28:25.880 --> 00:28:30.400 They're confused about what love should feel like. Also, women have sometimes 388 00:28:30.440 --> 00:28:34.720 some women might have a Cinderella complex, and men might have a Peter Pan 389 00:28:34.880 --> 00:28:38.400 syndrome, meaning that they meet this person that they think is just going to 390 00:28:38.839 --> 00:28:42.799 sweep them off their feet and change their life. This person that's just so 391 00:28:44.039 --> 00:28:49.559 different, but it doesn't work out that way. This idea that if you 392 00:28:49.640 --> 00:28:56.359 meet somebody who's exotic and cool and so different from your family of origin, 393 00:28:56.200 --> 00:29:03.559 that it will rescue you from your bad family system, right, or do 394 00:29:03.559 --> 00:29:08.400 you have longing for real, secure attachment or do you have a rescue fantasy? 395 00:29:10.400 --> 00:29:15.519 And also lots of people confuse personality with values. They'll say, Oh, 396 00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:21.240 this person is so self confident and they're such an extrovert, and I 397 00:29:21.319 --> 00:29:25.039 love their public personality. At parties, there's so much fun to be with. 398 00:29:25.400 --> 00:29:29.240 What does that tell you about their morals and their values? Right? 399 00:29:30.160 --> 00:29:33.960 You know, there are three things in my opinion, that successful couples meet 400 00:29:34.039 --> 00:29:38.680 eye to eye on. One is finances, because I'm telling you sex and 401 00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:41.319 money are the two things. People fall apart on it and they end up 402 00:29:41.319 --> 00:29:45.680 in couples therapy with. But when I say finances, that you agree on 403 00:29:45.799 --> 00:29:48.559 what the financial goals are and how you're going to get there, and you 404 00:29:48.599 --> 00:29:53.599 agree on how to spend money. The other is family, a shared vision. 405 00:29:53.839 --> 00:29:56.680 I mean people will say to me, you know, I've been married 406 00:29:56.680 --> 00:29:59.200 for three years and my husband doesn't want to have any kids. I'm like, 407 00:29:59.559 --> 00:30:03.000 you didn't talk about this on your third date. Like you have to 408 00:30:03.039 --> 00:30:06.880 have a relationship life plan, and you have to talk about what your family 409 00:30:06.920 --> 00:30:11.839 plan is going to be. And also lifestyle. You know, if she's 410 00:30:11.880 --> 00:30:15.119 an outdoorsy one who wants to be hiking all the time and out in nature 411 00:30:15.480 --> 00:30:18.279 and he wants to be in an urban environment, you're going to continually have 412 00:30:18.519 --> 00:30:22.519 this conflict. Right. I think it's really important that we learn not to 413 00:30:22.559 --> 00:30:26.640 fall in love with hope, that we learn to have these conversations early so 414 00:30:26.680 --> 00:30:32.039 we can find a mate. Who's most compatible. But once you're in a 415 00:30:32.079 --> 00:30:36.519 relationship, here are my favorite marriage hacks. Well you can use it in 416 00:30:36.640 --> 00:30:41.279 dating relationship too. Things that you need to do to keep your relationship alive, 417 00:30:41.440 --> 00:30:45.920 healthy, happy, and full of gratitude. First of all, some 418 00:30:45.960 --> 00:30:51.039 people keep a gratitude jar. That's a great idea. Beside the bed before 419 00:30:51.039 --> 00:30:52.319 you go to bed at night, you write down three things you're grateful for 420 00:30:52.319 --> 00:30:55.559 for the day and you pop them in there. Whenever you're in a bad 421 00:30:55.559 --> 00:30:56.519 mood, you go pull them out and go, oh yeah, I remember. 422 00:30:56.799 --> 00:31:00.920 You can also make a gratitude jar for your relationship. You could call 423 00:31:02.079 --> 00:31:07.359 the jar signs that he's still the one for me, signs she's still the 424 00:31:07.359 --> 00:31:11.720 one for me. And think of what you like the most about your partner, 425 00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:15.079 and if you have to write it down, write it down, put 426 00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:17.799 it in a little piece of paper in a jar, and whenever they drive 427 00:31:17.799 --> 00:31:19.480 you crazy, reach into that jar and pull out three things. Isn't it 428 00:31:19.519 --> 00:31:22.640 a great idea? I mentioned this earlier. I'm going to say it again. 429 00:31:22.720 --> 00:31:26.680 Stop thinking like a victim. Everybody has a bad life, everybody has 430 00:31:26.680 --> 00:31:30.839 problems. It is not the job of your partner to fulfill you and make 431 00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:37.480 you happy. Happiness is an inside job. Happy people have happy relationships, 432 00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:44.440 do the work that you need to to feel more secure and happier. Also, 433 00:31:45.279 --> 00:31:48.920 two more quick hacks argue often and then let it go. Now, 434 00:31:48.920 --> 00:31:53.480 when I say argue often, I don't mean being abusive. I mean deal 435 00:31:53.519 --> 00:31:57.799 with all the small problems on a regular basis. Research shows that long term 436 00:31:57.920 --> 00:32:02.559 happy people tend to have all kinds of little conflict all day long, little 437 00:32:02.599 --> 00:32:08.039 border skirmishes, and finally learn to say the words I'm sorry. You know, 438 00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:12.000 I was in a relationship for I'm not going to say how many years. 439 00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:16.200 It was long years with somebody who never once said they're sorry. Now 440 00:32:16.240 --> 00:32:20.160 I'm Canadian, so I'm sorry. Sorry. I say I'm sorry to a 441 00:32:20.240 --> 00:32:22.799 lamp when I bump into it, so it's that's in my nature. But 442 00:32:22.960 --> 00:32:28.400 both people have to be willing to put the relationship first and say those magical 443 00:32:28.440 --> 00:32:34.119 words I'm sorry. And that brings the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show to a close 444 00:32:34.480 --> 00:32:36.880 Listen. You can always follow me on my social media. As I said, 445 00:32:36.920 --> 00:32:38.920 the handle is doctor Wendy Walsh. Also, every Wednesday night at six 446 00:32:39.039 --> 00:32:43.240 thirty I have a fun little Zoom group on my Patreon community. What is 447 00:32:43.240 --> 00:32:46.119 Patreon, you say, Just go to patreon dot com p A t R 448 00:32:46.200 --> 00:32:51.839 e o N dot com slash doctor Wendy Welsh and you can get my books 449 00:32:51.839 --> 00:32:54.759 and blogs and podcasts, and you can come into my zoom room and me 450 00:32:54.880 --> 00:32:58.079 me Live, which is all. There's so many camp I listeners there, 451 00:32:58.119 --> 00:33:01.160 it's great fun. Otherwise, I'm always here for you every Sunday from seven 452 00:33:01.240 --> 00:33:06.240 to nine pm on KFI AM six forty. You've been listening to the Doctor 453 00:33:06.240 --> 00:33:10.880 Wendy Waltz Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 454 00:33:10.880 --> 00:33:15.640 app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us 455 00:33:15.680 --> 00:33:21.200 live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime 456 00:33:21.240 --> 00:33:22.400 on demand on the iHeartRadio app