This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty,
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app k I Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show. Oh my goodness, wouldn't it be nice if everybody around us
who was let's say we're single, who was a potential romantic person could just
say it? Could they just come up and go, hey, I'm into
you. No, that would be creepy and it would be weird. People
do it subtly. Up To tell you, a bunch of years ago,
when I was young, I was doing the Remember the stairs in Santa Monica.
They still do that, up and down and up and down those stairs
in Santa Monica Canyon. Yeah, I used to do it ten times.
Oh my gosh, it's so much work. And then you'd get to the
top and you'd kind of walk around, cool off a little bit, and
wait, and sometimes people would talk. And this guy walked up to me
and he said the thing that people think would be the logical thing to say.
He just said, Hey, I find myself really attracted to you,
would you like to go out sometime? I swear I ran so fast to
my car and jumped in. I just did the whole No, I have
a boyfriend. By I mean, you gotta build rapport first. You gotta
find a way to just let them know that you're safe. I mean,
that guy could have been an axe murderer. I don't know. He probably
was a really nice guy and he just said his feelings flat out. It
didn't work. It didn't work. You gotta go slow, gentle, look
for reciprocation. So maybe there's somebody out there who's sending those signals to you
and you are not even seeing it. So let's talk about how to tell
if someone has a crush on you, or if you're interested in somebody.
Things you can do to sort of send those signals. The first thing is
proximity. Just stand a little closer to them. I don't mean invade their
personal space. That's completely greepy, but you will find that if you're in
sort of a social environment, the people who are attracted to each other are
half a step closer, and they're openly. The body language is open to
the person. They're not giving them the shoulder or whatever. So think about
how close this person regularly stands. And along the same lines, how much
eye contact do they have? You know, all day long we're running around
talking to all kinds of people in stores, cashiers, and I think to
myself, I rarely look people in the eye and for very long. I
mean, you do. It's a glance. Rights if it's a public thing,
it's the cashier, trader Joe's. You smile, you go, hey,
thank you. Yeah, they're all extroverts. They're chatting about how to
use that tomato sauce in some recipe, and you just smile and move along,
and you might hold the little glance for half a second, maybe a
second. But if somebody likes you, they look a little longer, just
a little now. It's not a glare. It's not a stare that lasts
for four seconds. That's creepy. But it might be two seconds. And
when they cat they might be looking at you. And then when you look
back, if they look away like they've been caught, that shows they're into
you. You see. If it's just like a business relationship and someone's trying
to get your attention because you're late for the meeting, they're like looking at
you like, come on, come on. They're staring at you, and
then you look back and they reiterate with a nod and a look, come
on, let's go right. But if they're into you and you look back,
then they act like, oh, I've just been caught, and they
look away and they look down. So pay attention to these subtle things that
people may be doing around you. Then there are the gestures. I tend
to when I talk use my hands a lot. That's why if you hear
a sound like this, it's because I'm like accidentally hitting the mic because my
hands are moving while I'm talking. But if I like somebody and I want
to make a point, I might put like a gentle, gentle touch on
their forearm as I'm enunciating something. No, no, no, it's true.
Let me explain this, I say, Pat, Pat, Pat,
goes my two fingers on their forearm. I emphasize something with a little light
touch. Now this is not the thing to do with workplace relationships, Okay,
I mean it's very difficult. I know that you know a lot of
people who work together are still getting involved in romantic relationships. It's a territory
filled with land mines these days. You know, the love is never the
problem, it's the breakup and somebody runs to hr. Also, the power
differential. If somebody has any kind of authority over somebody's job security, over
their paycheck, then you can't be dating at the office. However, maybe
somebody's appear, maybe you're out on your lunch break and you like them,
and you just do a little touch. Maybe that could work. Something happens
to our voices when we are attracted to somebody, Kayla. I know you
know, because you've been listening to my podcast and you've been in my Patreon
a lot. I know you know what happens to women's voices. Do you
know what happens to men's voices when they're interested in somebody? I assumes you
would think, right, because we did that our podcast episode of Maybe Matters
called the Trouble with Testosterone. We had all the men on and they had
the deeper the voices, the higher the testosterone, and we could look at
the length of their ring finger and all that. Yeah, but they don't
put that on. That's just natural higher testosterone. Men have deeper voices,
but they get louder because guys want attention. Right, they're like the peacocks
showing their big tail feathers. So if you notice, like you're at a
party and there's one guy that just seems to be a little louder, he
wants to be heard, he wants to be seen. But what women do,
and this is largely unconscious, is they get a little breath. They
are, their voices get a little higher and a little breath they are exactly,
yeah, happy birthday, mister president. Suh. So women get a
little softer. It's really funny. Now again I'm talking man woman. Biological
sex. We know that gender itself is partially a cultural construct, and so
there are a lot of people who and gender is also a scale. But
in general, if you take the two categories of people, even if it's
a same sex relationship, people take on gender roles. One person it's going
to be a little softer and more flirtatious, and the other is going to
be a little tougher, no matter what if even if they are the same
sex. Um, all right. The other thing is if this person is
thinking of dumb excuses to see you, and you're like, why do we
need to meet for that? Like? Why is this person they like?
You, that's why they like you. M oh. Another fun physical feature,
women tend to play with their hair when they like somebody, They play
with their They flip it, they flip it, flip their hair over their
shoulder. They look, you know, they're flicking with their bangs. They
do. This is what women do. The other thing people of all genders
do when they're attracted to somebody is they test the waters for intimacy, talking
about emotional intimacy by disclosing something personal. And you're like, huh, I
thought this was just an attorney I was talking to and I was maybe gonna
use their services. Why are they showing me pictures of what they did on
the weekend, or they might say somewhere they've been or done. They start
to disclose a little personal information. That's the way of saying I like you.
But the other thing people do when they have a crush on you is
they just, I don't know how to say this nicely. They just act
weird, okay, They trip over things, they they're nervous, okay,
And if you look at them compared to other people in your circle, you're
like, why are they acting that way? They're saying things around Okay,
so I'm telling you a funny story. I had a crush on a guy
once and he came. I showed him my new car. He came and
sat in my car, and I was talking about the new stereo system and
I said, oh, and there's even room here for like an eight track
or cassette. Okay, it was a modern car with apps and Bluetooth.
What the heck was I saying. I was like, somehow going back to
the eighties in my brain or something. It was just the most bizarre thing.
But we do. We misspeak, we trip over things, we stumble.
We do that when we're into somebody. All right, when we come
back, I am going to my social media to answer some of your sometimes
very personal relationship questions. If you'd like to send a question in Kayala is
going to be monitoring the dms on Instagram and TikTok. The handle everywhere is
at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. If I don't get to it
this week, I'll get to it next week. But feel free to send
me a relationship question because it's my honor to weigh in on your love life.
You are listening to the doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from kf I AM six forty. Pay bye Am six forty.
Your doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
If you'd like to call me, this is your time. I'm taking your
calls. I'm going to social media to answer your questions. Producer Kayla,
are you there to answer the lines? Of course, she's run into the
phone. One eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred
five two zero one five three four. Just a reminder, I'm a psychology
professor, but I do have a PhD in clinical psychology. I've written three
books on relationships and a dissertation on attachment theory. And I'd like to call
this my drive by makeshift relationship advice because I'm not a therapist. It's fun
and it's interesting, and also i just love to weigh in on people's lives.
Okay, well, you're taking calls one eight hundred five two zero one
KFI. I'm going to go to social media. Here we go. Hey,
doctor Wendy. Oh, it's a heavy one. I asked my husband
for a divorce after twenty years of marriage. I want to pause right there
to give you a little science. So the research says this fifty percent divorce
rate that you hear about all the time actually isn't true at any stage of
a marriage. If you've been together five years, you basically you got an
eighty five percent chance of staying together for life. If you've been married ten
years, it goes down. Twenty years is when you hit that fifty percent
divorce rate. And let's think about what goes on at the twenty year mark.
People's contracts have changed. If you got together to build your careers and
create a family and buy a house, at the twenty year mark, you've
got kids graduating from high school, you might have one left in the nest
about to head off to college, and then you're looking around and going,
huh, so what do I want to do next? And do I want
this partner with me to do those next things? You know, until death
do us part was invented, death was pretty imminent, and even some of
the most monogamous people may find themselves having two or three long stints of monogamy
with some mate selection in between. We call that dating. So I'm just
going to pause there and say it's not uncommon. It's very common to get
this sentence. I asked my husband for a divorce after twenty years of marriage.
This is the time where they look at each other and go, who
are you? The roles we picked? Those jobs have been done. Now
what are we going to do now? It is possible to rewrite your relationship
contract? Though. All right, let's go back to this listener's message.
Throughout our marriage, he has negatively about me to others. So for twenty
years, you gave silent permission for this. For some reason, you gave
silent permission. There was a final straw. I overheard a conversation about me
and our relationship. And he was having this conversation with a new female employee
we had recently hired. Oh, hold the press right there. We had
recently hired. So this is not just a marriage, This is a business
partnership. Oh, there's much more going on here. This was on top
of other inappropriate actions he had with her. Actions Now we're talking about maybe
physical touch. It seems like he always searches for sympathy and plays the victim
with other females. Okay, so I just want to I'm using this question
as a way to educate everybody about how relationship should go. If you want
to a healthy relationship, you got to dump the victim routine. Okay.
Everybody has a hard life, everybody has bad days. The other person is
not responsible for your happiness. Okay. So I understand you can't argue with
the victim because they sit there saying, but what about me? This bad
thing happened to me, and you can't argue with it. It's like,
okay, right. Then she says it seems like he always searches for sympathy.
Then she says, we're currently separated and would still like to have a
friendship while we figure things out. What do you make of this, she
asked me. Huh, Well, I don't know because I am not in
your marriage. But I will say this, if you're separated and you have
asked for a divorce, divorce shouldn't be used as a threat. But then
you want your cake and you want to eat it too. We're still friends.
Here's the thing, you know. Last week we talked about being undivorced
and how people keep others around as primary attachment figures in some way. Yeah,
yeah, it can work, and especially of the kids. And there
are reasons why it can work. But it sounds like you're unhappy in this
relationship and you're ready to move on. So I highly suggest, if he
won't get into couples therapy with you, that you go see an individual therapist
and spend some time figuring out your feelings. This isn't a quick decision.
You also haven't mentioned whether there are kids involved, how old the kids might
be. This business, I mean, how do you work together in a
business if your divorce. People do make this transition, but it takes a
lot of conscious work on both sides. And you know what, congratulations,
you're at the beginning of doing the work. Thanks for writing. All right,
Hi, doctor Wendy. How can I get over my insecurities in dating?
I seem to always give my power away? Well, the good news
I hear right here is that you know you have power? Right, why
are you giving it away? I wish I you could tell me specific examples
of what you're doing to quote give your power away. I hope if you're
female, it's not about giving sex too. Early and then having them disappear,
and then you're feeling lost, like you've been used in some way.
I hope it's not that you're a man and you're spending way too much money
on a woman too early, or really devoting too much time before she's reciprocated.
That's giving away your power too early. The answer is with everybody,
and I say this all the time, you can't magically. I did say
positive affirmations, and positive affirmations are great, and they're one way to start
with building self esteem. But I think you're going to have to really spend
some time doing the personal growth work, going to a therapist, finding out
what happened to make you feel insecure. Maybe it's your attachment style. Now,
I always talk about attachment style. If you're somebody who's been listening to
my show for a long time, you know that romantic attachment style is something
hardwired in our brain. It's kind of like our model for love, our
version for love, our way that we think love should be. And it
is often related to partly genetic predisposition, just how we're born, but also
how caregivers took care of us in the earliest, earliest stage of our life.
I'll hear people say, how is it possible this girl acts like she
has daddy issues. She hooks up with these guys and they use her and
they treat her bad, and she can't have a healthy relationship because she's dating
just bad guys and they don't stay around. But she had these really good
parents, really lovely parents. I've met them. In fact, they're very
nice. I've heard stories like this all the time. And I remind you
about this. Our public personality and our private personality are two different things.
And also the parents who had in high school may not be the same parents
who had screaming over the crib when everyone was freaking out about the crying baby,
Like you don't know what happened. Most of our attachment stuff gets implanted
when we are pre verbal, when we don't have memories for these things.
And so even the most parents that gave you the you know, the right
schools and the teams and the sports and the clothes and the right house,
and they stayed together and they seem like such nice people, you don't know
how they responded to your genes when you were twelve months old, when you
were needing to be held and they were saying, they've got to learn to
cry it out. Let's toughen them up a little bit. You just don't
know. So generally, when you say you trade in your power with dating,
I hear an insecure attachment style which can be healed through therapy. I
want to say that. But the other thing is I hear that you're wanting
to make a change, and this is the time to do it. So
it starts off with these questions, it starts off to writing to me,
and then it's about you saying I am going to date differently, I am
going to behave differently. I'm going to react differently to people. And this
we can do. We have control, We have the ability to say no,
I deserve better. I'm not going to be treated that way. It
happened to me. I know it can work because I literally got to a
point where I's like, I don't want to deal with avoidant people or people
who hurt me. I just want to deal with people who can have a
secure attachment. And if you wonder what a secure attachment feels like, people
with a secure attachment move away from those who are abusive, They move away
from those who can't connect. They just go, oh, you know,
and they don't make a whole big deal about it. I just say,
yeah, it's probably a bad match. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from KF I am sixty six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with
you. I am answering your direct messages on Instagram. The handle is at
doctor wend Walsh. I know some of you called in. I know you
got shy. These are intimate, tender topics, and I know it's scary
to be on the radio because what if you're significant other listens. So it's
okay to DM me. I'll answer, I'll read it out, no sweat
all right, let's head over to Instagram. Dear doctor Wendy. Oh,
my girlfriend thinks I cheated. I don't think I did. You don't think
you did? Okay, I went to Vegas. Oh you know where this
is going. I went to Vegas and got a couple of girls numbers as
a bet with my friends. I never called them. She's really mad at
me. I didn't cheat, though, Am I wrong for what I did?
Is this cheating? Well, you know, cheating means that you're breaking
the rules. What were the rules? In your relationship, right, and
what is the whole context of your relationship. Were you going through a vulnerable
period? Are you in a fragile time where this could seem like a very
dangerous thing to be getting phone numbers of backup mates? Also, how did
she find out? Did she see the phone numbers lying around? Did someone
tell her this happened, or did you come home and say, hey,
honey, here's a deal, here's what happened. I want you to know.
It was just a bunch of guys being guys and whatever. How you
know, if she feels like she found out from somebody else, then she's
wondering if you cheated. Of course she would. We all keep backup mats.
I should say that one time I was on an airplane. I'm so
nosy and intrusive, and there was a guy chatting with a European girl and
she had a very sexy accent, and she was going to Vegas after LA
and he said, oh, I'm gonna be in Vegas this weekend. You
should hang out with me and my buddies. Let me get your number.
We do, and so she goes to the bathroom, and of course I
say something like I can't remember what, but I start a conversation with him
and I said, oh, it looks like you got a chance with this
girl this weekend. And he's like, oh no, no, oh.
I know because earlier he'd said something about his girlfriend to me, and now
I'm seeing him flirting. I go, what's what's up with a girlfriend.
He's like, no, no, no, I have a girlfriend. It
would just be as a friend. And I'm laughing because I'm like, we
all keep backup mates. Did you know there's some research to support the fact
that if you have somebody, not somebody who you openly flirt with, but
somebody who's in your mind that you're like, you know, if something ever
happened in my relationship, or something ever happened to my mate, that at
least I have this to fall back on. Just the fantasy of that actually
provides you with better mental health. Okay, backup mate. Now, if
you're actively flirting with somebody and you're keeping people in the wings and they're a
threat to your relationship, that's not a backup mate, that's an active mate.
That's actually cheating. So the answer is, were you cheating? It
depends what would your girlfriend think about this. I suddenly think if we say
or do anything that we would not do in front of our spouse or significant
other, then we're kind of cheating, right, So would you ask for
a girl's phone numbers in front of her? Probably? Not? All right,
let's see, dear doctor, Wendy, my X and I ended on
a really sour note. He really hurt my feelings, but I never got
over him. I still love him so much, but my head is telling
me he can hurt me again. Without him, though, I feel like
part of me is missing. He wants to try again, but I'm so
torn. What should I do? You know this sounds like the words of
somebody who has an insecure attachment style. When you have a secure attachment style,
you know, you're like if someone hurts you, you move away from
it. You don't go back, right, You're not drawn like a moth
to the fire again, you just know. So I think you need to
work on yourself rather than going back with him. I mean, you very
clearly said that he can hurt you again. I don't know if it's emotional
hurt. I sure hope it's not physical hurt. But no, I wouldn't
go back with him. I would do the work on yourself is what I
would do. Okay, dear doctor Wendy. I recently lost everything, my
job, my car, and my house. My man won't step up for
me the way I think a provider should. I think this is a deal
breaker, but he makes me feel like I'm being unfair. Are my values
outdated? Yes? Okay, let me explain something. When we had these
hard and fast gender roles that said, the man must be the provider,
the woman must be the domestic housekeeper. And by the way, a lot
of relationships still exist that are exactly like that, but they're consensual and agreed
to by both people and they entered into it. Also, the research shows
that as couples rise in economic power, the gender roles become more traditional,
more old fashioned, because if they're both making really good income, or the
household is making a lot of income, then it's like, well, we
might as well have somebody stay home and take care of the house and take
care of the kids. We can afford to do that. The other hand,
in the lower classes, the working classes, and in the middle classes,
not only is it more likely that both partners will be working and provide
an income into the household. But in twenty five percent of these couples in
America, the woman is the bigger provider. Okay, so yeah, your
ideas are outdated. And this is advice that I give to young women all
the time. We are in a time of transition. Mother's and your grandmother's
ideas about relationships and who's going to provide don't exist anymore. Having said that,
you have a fertility window females, and you have to plan for how
you're going to do this. I often tell women, well, you know,
I spent as much time as I could with my kids and really with
them first, and let my career suffer a little a lot. I think
it's the right thing to do to make sacrifices for your children. So at
that point you want to be protected. So the law will protect you somewhat.
But you can also have a prenuptial agreement that says, look, if
I end up taking time off to have children, to raise children, etc.
Then I will get this during that period. But I always tell women,
don't go completely out of the job market, like work in the gig
economy. Keep one foot in. Do something, especially when you have little
kids, like it can keep your brain alive and awake. So yeah,
just because and when you said, my man, I don't even know that
you're married, so you know what, you got a boyfriend and because you
lost your job, you want them to totally support you nowadays not nowadays.
You guys need to be doing so everybody needs to be providing and doing input
into the household as much as possible. All right, when we come back,
I want to talk a little bit about some hacks for married people that
can transform your relationship. And I also want to talk about why people have
this belief system that opposites attract. They do, but it usually doesn't work
out. And I'll explain why you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
kf I am sixty forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I was laid on
that queue because I was dancing to Janet Jackson. Oh my gosh, I
love that song. Du all, that's who it was. And she was
like a Laker girl first yeah, oh yes, I remember. And now
isn't she like a judge on one of those singing shows she was on American
idol for a while. I don't think she is anymore, but she was
for sure. That was a bouncy song. I remember it very much,
but it spread a rumor that continues that is that opposites attract. Uh yeah,
maybe a magnets. No, they do attract, but it never works
out. But yet the myth remains because here's the thing. I'll just say.
The truth is, the more you have in common with somebody, the
more likely that the relationship will sustain itself. Opposites feel exciting because we all
have a part of ourselves that we wish we could grow. So extroverts wish
we could shut up more. Introverts wish they could come out of their shell
more. And when you meet somebody who has that other part of you,
you feel like, oh, I'm complete. But then you learn that opposites
actually grind on you after a while, they don't attract. So why does
this myth exist? Well, partly because people don't understand attachment styles. I
rant on it all the time. You guys should all read the book Attack
Matched, which is a beautiful break I didn't write it, but it's a
beautiful breakdown for lay people of attachment theory, so you can understand your own
attachment style. But what happens is when you have somebody who has like an
anxious attachment style and somebody else who has an avoidant attachment style, they trigger
each other and there's a lot of sexual excitement, there's a lot of attraction,
but there's also a lot of emotional pain, and so it doesn't work.
They're confused about what love should feel like. Also, women have sometimes
some women might have a Cinderella complex, and men might have a Peter Pan
syndrome, meaning that they meet this person that they think is just going to
sweep them off their feet and change their life. This person that's just so
different, but it doesn't work out that way. This idea that if you
meet somebody who's exotic and cool and so different from your family of origin,
that it will rescue you from your bad family system, right, or do
you have longing for real, secure attachment or do you have a rescue fantasy?
And also lots of people confuse personality with values. They'll say, Oh,
this person is so self confident and they're such an extrovert, and I
love their public personality. At parties, there's so much fun to be with.
What does that tell you about their morals and their values? Right?
You know, there are three things in my opinion, that successful couples meet
eye to eye on. One is finances, because I'm telling you sex and
money are the two things. People fall apart on it and they end up
in couples therapy with. But when I say finances, that you agree on
what the financial goals are and how you're going to get there, and you
agree on how to spend money. The other is family, a shared vision.
I mean people will say to me, you know, I've been married
for three years and my husband doesn't want to have any kids. I'm like,
you didn't talk about this on your third date. Like you have to
have a relationship life plan, and you have to talk about what your family
plan is going to be. And also lifestyle. You know, if she's
an outdoorsy one who wants to be hiking all the time and out in nature
and he wants to be in an urban environment, you're going to continually have
this conflict. Right. I think it's really important that we learn not to
fall in love with hope, that we learn to have these conversations early so
we can find a mate. Who's most compatible. But once you're in a
relationship, here are my favorite marriage hacks. Well you can use it in
dating relationship too. Things that you need to do to keep your relationship alive,
healthy, happy, and full of gratitude. First of all, some
people keep a gratitude jar. That's a great idea. Beside the bed before
you go to bed at night, you write down three things you're grateful for
for the day and you pop them in there. Whenever you're in a bad
mood, you go pull them out and go, oh yeah, I remember.
You can also make a gratitude jar for your relationship. You could call
the jar signs that he's still the one for me, signs she's still the
one for me. And think of what you like the most about your partner,
and if you have to write it down, write it down, put
it in a little piece of paper in a jar, and whenever they drive
you crazy, reach into that jar and pull out three things. Isn't it
a great idea? I mentioned this earlier. I'm going to say it again.
Stop thinking like a victim. Everybody has a bad life, everybody has
problems. It is not the job of your partner to fulfill you and make
you happy. Happiness is an inside job. Happy people have happy relationships,
do the work that you need to to feel more secure and happier. Also,
two more quick hacks argue often and then let it go. Now,
when I say argue often, I don't mean being abusive. I mean deal
with all the small problems on a regular basis. Research shows that long term
happy people tend to have all kinds of little conflict all day long, little
border skirmishes, and finally learn to say the words I'm sorry. You know,
I was in a relationship for I'm not going to say how many years.
It was long years with somebody who never once said they're sorry. Now
I'm Canadian, so I'm sorry. Sorry. I say I'm sorry to a
lamp when I bump into it, so it's that's in my nature. But
both people have to be willing to put the relationship first and say those magical
words I'm sorry. And that brings the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show to a close
Listen. You can always follow me on my social media. As I said,
the handle is doctor Wendy Walsh. Also, every Wednesday night at six
thirty I have a fun little Zoom group on my Patreon community. What is
Patreon, you say, Just go to patreon dot com p A t R
e o N dot com slash doctor Wendy Welsh and you can get my books
and blogs and podcasts, and you can come into my zoom room and me
me Live, which is all. There's so many camp I listeners there,
it's great fun. Otherwise, I'm always here for you every Sunday from seven
to nine pm on KFI AM six forty. You've been listening to the Doctor
Wendy Waltz Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app