Don't be Burkholderman. Don't be berk Olderman. Please have some fucking compassion.
Hmm uh, tell me something. I don't know what. What the hell
does that mean? Are you real? Is this a riddle? No?
I need you to prove it, or you're not getting on the train.
I've been tripped too many times. Tell me where you came from. That's
a very long story. Who do you work for? Who do I work
for? Do you work for burkholder what? Like the the investor guy for
the billboards? Why would he own the train? Because he's a fucking cho
I'm trying to get away from him. Can I get on or not?
Tell me where you come from and you can get on. Sorry, that's
definitely a detail my super brain would make up. I've seen his ads everywhere
around here. See then, I just get the feeling if I tell you,
you aren't gonna let me on anyway, So it makes more sense not
to tell you anything. No, it's not like that. You're great.
Probably, I don't know. It's just if I get the conductor's hopes up
about a new passenger again and he's turned out to be nothing, I think
he's gonna lose it. Are you okay, dude, this isn't about me.
Just tell me where you came from if you get on pinky swear,
pinky swear, okay, guy, I'll tell you if that means I can
get a ride out of here. But this is gonna sound bad and I
need to go back pretty far for this to make sense. Episode two,
Thieves Coat. It was about three years ago now that I really fucked up.
I was traveling with this girl named Roxy Sadie. There's a two which
he had towers on that house and a guest house and a garage. Geez,
who would ever even need that much space? The thing is bigger than
an orphanage, and probably like two people live there. It'd be like living
in a super nice hotel. But like I could leave my stuff wherever and
people wouldn't take it. I could even have like servants that clean up affroom
me woo, And they'd make pancakes anytime I asked, and I'd say bring
them to my quatas and I'd eat them in my witchy hat tower and watch
the dogs play in the park. Well, hopefully they made too many pancakes
and threw some out. Keep it down a little bit. You're getting excited.
Oh so sorry, Hey, Sadie, what how come there aren't any
lights on? The whole neighborhood is super dark. It's three in the morning.
Roxy people sleep at night, well, rich people too. Anyway,
I keep thinking about those little crucifix nightlights we had at the orphanage. You
remember those, even his little thorn crown lit up. Yeah, I remember.
Oh the nuns hated those things. It was awesome. But like,
none of these people ever have any lights on. Do they own a one
person hotel and then just sit around in the dark? Does no one never
have to be Chances are good these people are almost never sitting at home.
I'm pretty sure they just moved to their beach house for the summer. Yesterday.
Two cars in an RV pulled out and they've got all these trash bags
on the sidewalk. I want to go to a beach house for the summer.
Lancaster gets so hot and gross. Hey, maybe we'll find some travel
magazines for you to add to your collection. Yeah, okay, you haven't
talked for like ten seconds. What's wrong? Shut up? I'm just not
excited to dig through the trash. Oh oh god, what is that smell
cat litter. Here, I'll tie it up again. Wow, this is
disgusting. Is that vomit? Oh? My god? That an old shoe
underwear? Oh no, no, no, you are the most dramatic person
alive. Thank you. I like to think of as having standards. Huh.
It looks like a bunch of broken toys. I think somebody's toybox just
got cleaned out. Then, I bet you aren't going to find any vegetables
in there. Wait, wait, there could be like stuff to sell in
there, or something, or or a DS with Mario Karr in it.
Roxy, we aren't sitting here all night. We need food first. At
least I wouldn't have to think about being hungry all the time. Believe it
or not, you can think about whatever you want. Damn it. Do
rich people not buy National Geographic anymore? You never take my suffering seriously,
Roxy, You don't. You never let me have what I want. I'm
trying to give you everything you need, and right now I'm trying to find
his dinner tonight, and i'd appreciate some help. Fine, I'll open up
one of the bags over there. Thank you. You get the dessert we
find tonight, Okay, I'm honestly surprised you aren't excited about free food.
Think about it. There's a bunch of stuff you've probably never even tried that
these rich people just get rid of. Like there's a non zero chance there's
taramisus in one of these bags and all you gotta do is find it.
And I know it's not really something you think about, but just makes me
feel good to think for making less trash as opposed to more, that's less
stuff getting into the ocean, less stuff on the beaches. I don't know.
I think that's pretty cool. Come on, are you gonna be quiet
all night? It's freaking me out. Holy shit, this is like a
whole lasagna. Hey, Roxy, check this out. Roxy, What are
you doing? I thought you weren't going to notice. You're not that stealthy.
You shouldn't be getting this close to the house. Turn around now,
No, seriously, this is not how we agreed to do this. Someone's
going to see you and throw you in jail. You just said these people
went to the beach for the summer. They aren't even using their big,
fancy house. I bet we can find a fridge or something. Oh what
if they have ice cream? I could eat a literal gallant of strawberry ice
cream right now, a fridge. We are going to get to the fridge.
There are cameras everywhere. Yah huh, We'll just get there really quickly.
Roxy, seriously, stop right now. I will tackle you. Then
we'd for sure get arrested because I'll start screaming. You are such a fucking
brat. Eh, You're such a fucking I don't want to eat trash,
Sadie. And these people have a lot they're not using fuck them. We
can't fuck them, Roxy, They will fuck us harder. We don't go
to jail, then help me. You know better than I do. This
place is going to be empty, and you're faster and stronger. We could
eat like queens. It's not even being used, Sadie. If you really
don't think I should do this, I won't. But we deserve better than
trash. We aren't going to make a habit of this. Is that clear
you think I like arguing with you? All right? You're following me.
Pull your hat over your face, and when that window breaks, we climb
in and look for the alarm right away. Make sure to clear out the
glass around the corners of the window, so we don't leave blood. That's
my girl, and she swings far the fences. Shoot, it's a lot
louder than I was expecting. What were you expecting? I don't know.
Oh my god, it's so hard to think in this ship. We need
to shut that off. Who that's a really? Follow me the kitchens this
way? You're done breaking things now, By the way, I want to
be mad about you smashing the alarm, but that was exactly what I wanted
to do. Right. What is that? Should I smash it? You're
done smashing it? Looks like a phone for real? Oh my god,
it's an iPhone. It's a security company. Shit, stay quiet, Burkholder.
Yes, Bertram's fucking daughter. God he gave me the phone because I
locked myself out of the house. Oh did I trip the alarm? I
didn't notice. Yeah, I smacked it until it shut off. Daddy can
fix it in the morning. Do you really have to send the cops?
Can't I just pay you something? I'm running late? Fine, I'll be
sure to tell them who made me late. You're at least going to turn
off these god awful floodlights, right. I can't imagine what they're doing to
my eyes. Good, thank you, thank you. Holy shit, Sadie,
you're good. It's so gross lying to strangers. At least they turned
the lights off. I think you mispronounced fun and easy kitchen. Now,
yes, ma'am. So we hauled out at least two trash bags of food
and just dug in. It lasted us all week, and I thought I
would feel bad about taking all that stuff, but I just don't. It's
just not fair that they make trash out of food when we have to dig
through the trash to eat. That was all I could think about after we
hit the burkholders. The whole time we were living off the food they'd left
behind. But it was too easy to think that way. I can interpret
literally anything the way I interpreted the food we took. It's how Roxy thinks.
Once she tried to grab a woman's dog purse because that lady didn't need
her dog. If we were going to live better and take what others weren't
going to miss, you had to set some ground rules. Rule number one
should be smart people's steal. Okay, I like the enthusiasm, but we
need to temper ourselves. Stealing isn't just an unquestionable good just because it helps
us. It matters who we steal from, So rule number two corporations not
civilians. But like we can't grandfather in the birk Holder place, then right,
starting now, stealing from people is bad. Okay, the Burkholder place
doesn't count. But you aren't going to pull shit like that again. Deal,
Okay, this is what brings us to an Amazon warehouse. We won't
break into Jeff's house, but we will take his company's ship boltcutters. Yes,
doctor, Rule number three. We won't attract any attention, and if
we do, we won't cause any violence. Obviously that means keeping it down
and not swinging your bad around. Fine, unless someone's about to write us
out, I won't smash them. No. Not then either you aren't smashing
anyone, and no one's gonna write us out because they're never gonna know we're
here. Oh my god, it's like Santa's workshopping here. Look at all
this stuff. Where do we start? I'm gonna find like ten new shoes
so I can wear our new ones every day. I could do like a
little fashion shows and record them and put them on YouTube, and I could
be a shoe celebrity and then get money from it, and then a house
from there, and great, you don't have anything you could record on?
Oh right, duh, Well maybe I could find a couple cameras in here
too, which brings me to rule four. Only if we need it,
rain it in. If we get careless, we get caught, and we
came here to get some new clothes so we could start looking for jobs.
Just imagine it. When we're rich, we can have food delivered to us.
That's crazy. There's like a million dollars worth of dress clothes in this
thing. These people don't even have to go shopping to get a new suit.
I can't even imagine how rich somebody like that would be. Burkholder rich.
I bet two house having fucks. Nobody deserves all this stuff. I
can't have any of it. Fifth rule, final rule tentatively fifth end,
final rule. You'll know who deserves it. That's a little insidious. Oh
I'm sorry. Do you think we should put all that food back in the
Burkholder house? They deserved it, we'd agreed, Okay, fine, you're
right. I don't want to steal from people, but I don't feel bad
at all about raiding their kitchen. That's what I've been saying, Oh,
this coat's made of a mink. It's getting chilli out. I'm definitely gonna
need a warm mink coat. Come on, no furs, they gross me
out. Mink isn't an animal, geez, it's like a cousin material to
velvet or lavender or something out of fucking burkholders. Is velvet not good enough
for them? Remind me to never take your fun facts at face value.
And this stuff isn't actually for the Burkholders specifically. Yeah, robbed one rich
person, robbed them all, And we lived like that for another two years,
one break in every couple of months to stock up, and then we
lay low. We started calling our rules the thieves Code. I felt,
I don't know important. It was like we figured out how to beat the
survival game and it just felt so badass. But that was back when I
thought Roxy was actually following the rules. I should have known better, Ladies
and gentlemen. Barring any announcements from mister Muller and the caboose, the train
will be departing in eight minutes. Then what happened? Does that mean?
You believe me? Now? Just tell me the rest real quick. Where's
Roxy now. I don't know, but her story ends better than mine.
Did I remember? I was coming home from working right away. I noticed
she was acting weird. She was talking to someone on a phone she shouldn't
have had. We were renting a storage unit to live out of, and
it actually felt like real home. I was getting home early from working a
shift at the cafe downtown, gonna be sometime later tonight. And that's it,
right, you promise I can't do anything back, Roxy, I've got
a surprise for you. Who are you talking to? Just talking to myself?
Roxy? What? What the fuck is that? What is what?
Do not treat me like a dipshit? You've had Birkholder's phone this whole time.
It's been dead, and I just plugged it in to see if it
still worked. I just wanted to take pictures and somebody called me. I
did just like you did. I pretended to be someone else. It's okay,
Now give me the phone. No, I can take smaller ship videos
on it. Then I'm going to take it and smash it. That was
mine. They know where we are now. The GPS on the phone is
going to lead them right here. We need to go. God damn it.
Roxy, God damn it. You always make me feel like I'm stupid.
It's not fair. You aren't the smartest person in the world. Do
you have any clue what you just did. They're going to haul us off
to jail now if you don't need I just got a job. We could
have bought you your own phone. I had a phone until you broke it.
You don't even care about what I want. I care about you so
much it fucking hurts. Come on, mope later, Roxy, they're gonna
come looking for us. They aren't looking for me. Well, she's back
pretty early. Did you get fired for stealing napkins? Who is this?
Who are you? You're not in a position to be making demands of me.
You've already taken enough, Sadie Laskins. You are under arrest for the
crime of thievery against myself Bertram Burkholder the third. Do you fucking think so?
You don't look like cops yet? The uniforms are coming in next week.
Let's just go with them, Sadie. They're going to help us,
help us, are you insane? People with shotguns don't want to help.
It's precautionary. If you come peacefully, you don't have anything to worry about.
Honestly, this is a great deal for you compared to well this.
You aren't going to find the kind of protection I offer so easily these days.
But with protection comes law, and I can't have you setting a bad
example. You said you aren'ting to hurt her. You're a sweet kid.
You did the right thing telling us where to find her. When we get
back to the complex, I'll show you to your room right away so you
can start settling in. Does that sound nice? Yes, mister Brockolder.
I've had someone scanning for my phone for ages now. It took you this
long to figure out how to turn it on. It's an iPhone, not
a magic wand not a magic But seriously, you're coming with us where Roxy
dies? How's that fair? I want to help you. You said you
were going to help me. Oh relax, it's not like she's going to
say no. So, sadie, if you could come peacefully, the innocent
can get on with their lives. There's a new camera in my bag.
I bought it for your birthday. Ladies and gentlemen, we are now departing
from Lancaster Station. Please remain seated until further instruction. Sh it's come on,
hop up, take my hand. Thanks, no problem. I almost
thought your hand was gonna go right through mine. No, I mean thanks
for listening. It's been a long time since I've had anyone to talk to.
Oh, I'm sorry. I mean it's all good. You're welcome.
H Conductor, Sir, we've got a passenger who wishes the door. I'm
on my way. Just give him something and call him serious anything. Don't
overthink. I came as fast as I could. Why didn't you inform me
of a new passenger while we were stationary. I didn't want to slow us
down, but she was just take it at the ready, sir. Oh,
very good, very very good. Welcome onboard. Please feel free to
make yourself comfortable with our accommodations. Tonight's dinner will be baked beans, which
would be served in the dining cards six o'clock. We hope you will join
us. Was that for holder's phone? Yep, I made sure it doesn't
work this time. That doesn't smell like baked beans. Oh hey, I
figured out pretty early that it needs to make my own food if I wanted
anything besides beans. That sounds like a painfully unbalanced diet. That guy was
skinny as a rail analy seven feet tall. Apparently he's been doing this on
his own for like two years. Is eating head? It's tompy. So
where are we going? I don't know, as in, you don't know
where you want to go, or you don't know where the train's headed.
Yes, honestly, I didn't think to ask. Wait, so you've been
on this train for who knows how long and you don't even know where you're
going. Where is there to going? Well, we're on tracks, and
tracks tend to be laid out purposefully, so you seriously don't know. I
think you might be the one who doesn't know. How long were you in
jail? It wasn't jail, it was some rich asshole's guesthouse. I didn't
do anything wrong. No, I didn't mean to. I mean I wasn't
judging. Sorry, I'm not sure how long. It was early September and
all that garbage happened. And it's what late summer I missed last year?
Shit, what you missed? The lobs? So tell me now what happened.
It's kind of like no one's at the wheel anymore. New York City
was empty when I left it I don't know where the conductor's taking us,
but that's hardly a new feeling. You were the only person I've seen in
the last couple of towns. I think a lot of the East Coast was
abandon after the riots. I don't know where we're going because there's nowhere too
good. Oh shit, shit, shit, Shitnah, thank god? Just
imagined it? Is that for me? Are are you traversed Broodge? Not
culture? Well maybe not intentionally, but I remember COVID? How do I
know you aren't infected? The super fluid of written hyper evolved and consumed COVID
nineteen. It's visible to the naked eye now, so you know if I
had had it? Really? No, all right, fuck off? Really
didn't think you believe me? Come to think of it, I never even
asked for your name. It's Sadie. Should I ask for yours? Are
you going to keep bullshitting me? Aren't you? Molle? Just Aren'tie's fine?
Though? You know, I've been on the train for like three weeks
and I could tell the time based on where the conductor comes out to make
his meals every day. You should be coming out for dinner pretty soon?
Is that what the pile of spaghetti is for this guy eats like a lion,
no joke. He will finish off this entire pot when he comes out
here, trying to finish eating before them. It's horrific to watch. You're
a lot more talkative than I thought you'd be. I didn't expect to get
dinner or a conversation today. Sorry, I'm just headed to my room.
No wait a second, you didn't actually tell me what happened to everything?
Oh, Ryan? Sorry, there was something about the election three years ago.
There was this huge riot at the capitol. Then there were the two
presidents for a little bit. Then there was something about the stock market.
Dolledges became worthless overnight, and stuff just really started falling apart. I can't
really say I get it. Huh, fucking rich people. It's kind of
weird that nothing feels different. It's not like whoever was president ever affected me.
And honestly, being inside with something to eat, this is the easiest
I've had it in like years. You were homeless. I'm not gonna steal
your ship, dude. Don't look so nervous. No, No, I'm
not. I mean, I just don't realize you don't you don't make me
nervous, not just that one. Then why are you hammering your fingers on
the table. Sorry, it's it's just been a long time since I've talked
to anybody. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not good at this. Good
at talking, apparently not. You're great at apologizing, though you've done it
like six times. Sorry seven. It's just a habit. Nothing I say
ever comes out right. It's just easier not to the top. Well,
if this conversation is any indication, okay, I'm just being a dick.
You're fine. Thanks for the food, though, Hey, this is for
you. What happened to the baked beans? You must inform the passengers of
menu changes? But thank you? Oh my god. Yeah, this is
exactly what it sounded like when we gave the lions watermelon. H mister Burkholder,
did you learn something? Dear? A train? She got on a
train if she's sleeping on it now, No, dude, it was moving,
a working train passed through my domain. Why was I not made aware
of this? I'm telling you right now, sir, I don't have time
for your excuses. You don't understand how severa situation is here a business competitor
has his own train, a goddamn train. His customer reaches entirely dwarf to
mine, not to mention he passed over Lancaster's train tracks without paying the tax.
Oh shit, I didn't know there were taxes, and I didn't know
there was still a train running. We must correct this. I want that
train, Roxy, you're going to go after it. Take five sea ranks
with you, whichever you like. A sea ranks. They don't even know
how to hold a gun yet. I won't spare any others. By god,
our borders were breached in broad daylight. I don't care for the attitude.
Roxy. Do you want to end up on the streets eating garbage again?
No, sir, Then be grateful for what you get, yes,
sir. What about Sadie. She's kind of a beefcake, sir? We
might have trouble restraining her. Oh, just kill her. She's a felon
on the run. Now justice must be served, Yes sir, we'll leave
right away. Good. Oh and Roxy, it's best to bury the past
with a bullet if you have to. Yes, mister Burkholder, you probably
don't understand word play. My guards laugh at that one every time. Can
I go anouncer? Yes? Why are you still standing around? This isn't
the unemployment office? Go? Oh? Thank you for listening to this episode
of On Schedule. The show is created and produced by Kyle Goss and Caroline
Byrne, with associate production by Victoria Pereira. This episode was written by Kyle
Goss. In this episode, you Heard the Conductor and the Help voiced by
Kyle Goss, Archie Muller voiced by Christopher Medina, Sadie Laskin's voiced by Kiera
Frost, Roxy Malloy voiced by Angelique Geronimo and Bertram Burkholder the Third voiced by
Alex Scully Folly. Its sound design was done by Kyle Goss. Audio editing
was done by Caroline Burne. Our theme music is Hands composed by Christina Jane
George and performed by Christina Jane George and Anthony Saddik. This episode also features
it Is It Is. It Is Is also composed by Christina Jane George.
You can find all of her original pieces on her SoundCloud page. Our cover
art is designed by Caroline Byrne. Be sure to subscribe to on Schedule so
you don't miss any of the exciting action to come, and if you're enjoying
the story so far, consider leaving us a review. With this episode,
we are officially beginning our bi monthly release schedule, so you can expect new
episodes of on Schedule on the first and fifteenth of every month. You can
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Next up, episode three, Hail Mary