N two perl one nick three pull one, say, Molly, some small
you do, be a great one not to interrupt me. Well, Molly,
I only wanted to tell you something. Well, what is it?
Now? Some mind go on with your knitting, probably worth nothing at all
to Molly. What now, Sam? I do think of having a pint
of ail? Pint of ail? Indeed, well, now what's wrong with
that? Molly? Will you tell me tis every night to pint of ail?
Some Well, Molly, what would the British working man be way out
his pint of ail at day's end? That's something the world never know till
one of them tries it? Oh, Molly, and I don't suppose these
an't mood for noble experiments. Well, Molly, so for goodness sake away
you go down to prob but mulley a where you go, I see,
I'll get no peace some small till lidoes. Well, now, Molly,
I think that you'd be very kind. I did think some small, since
I'm feeling poorly, that you might have spent one evening at home two pull
one, Well, now I do he looks poorly tonight, Molly, I
did so want just a pint of veil. Though it's only eight o'clock.
A man's got to have ail once in a while. He's working hard all
day. You see, well, Molly, I'll stay to home with I
guess two polt one. No, it won't be doing that something, Yes,
Molly, I'll stay dome and be pestering me the whole evening. Oh
no, you won't go along and get your point of ail. Something small,
Molly, you do be a fine girl. Now. I'll not be
long, you'll not. I'll gamble some small that you'll not leave that pubroom
adnight. Oh no, Molly, you'll not be home till they chuck you
out. Good night, Molly. Isn't that just like a woman's dirty suspicions
for thee I'll be back long before choking that time. I will, yes,
long afoot chucking that time. I'll show Molly she thinks wrong me most
all the time. They are at it again. I don't care. They
do be having an argument now, but I must remember to get home early.
Mully'll be wrong this time. It is not so Sam small? Look
you here, Sam? There for sither week? He says that it's not
so all the local and you know what, let's hear what Sam says?
Sam, you tell him? Go on, Sam, tell him, but
will tell you you will if anybody ought to know, it will be some
small someone. All right, don't use no how Dan? How done?
I come here for a bit of ail and you both jump on me life
you're now, Sam, I'll get it for you. Well, we want
to know is our word? Gaffer said the wick until I drink me ale?
Now, gentlemen, I say it's not so. It's just not possible,
is it? Some? And it says right here that it is so?
Gaffer? Way, what is? What is? It's this way,
samp It says right here in this newspaper. As our doctor thinks this itler
Chap has got a what ok uh way any all? The word means the
split personality. Thanks, so it can't be ah, he means skitz so
perennial, don't you oko? Huh? What's that? Sam? See you
don't know what you're talking about? Sh sh shit, it's so perennial,
Gaffer, Yeah, it ain't so is it something? Well? Now,
I've seen two personalities. It was in a movie picture. Once one was
come the other scision at this sision, what kind of a decision, Gaffer.
I've decided that if you mean to stand there and tell me your chap
can divide into the But it says right here, gaffer, can't you read?
And what I see is at a human and just as human, some
smaller tell you no man can split in two, or even a German morey
local. Now the here, Gaffer. You've heard of twins, haven't you.
I have some small But what twins can happen? Then happen this here
skitz so perennials like that only a chapter comes twins after his bon instead of
before you now on, see, gaffer, nonsense and why nonsense? Gaffer,
I'd have heard of it. I'm the oldest chap here. I never
heard of that happen. But it's only just come out like gaffer, Hi,
that's it. I still don't believe a chap can split in two.
Now, lessen, gaffer. You see it's like this skits so perennial means
that a man has two personalities another smally local, gaffer? Will you understand
me for the last time, I still say a man is one man.
He can't be two men. Well, I'm gentlemen, what o'cle midnight I'm
got to close up, you know, midnight? Go you gaff are you
and your thick head comes more? Yea? Here it is twelve and after
me I joined with that duby gaffer all night. Moll'll think they took me
to close up again? Oh me, I was so sure i'd leave early.
What'll I tell Molly? I'll tell her I left early and walked them
lazy like happens. You'll believe that. But I must hurry him now.
Certainly is dark like that, It is scarcely can see a thing. But
come, I must have bumped into that lamp post there. Oh ma,
oh, Then it wasn't the lamp post I bumped into. It must have
been him over there. So it was the bumped into me. Eh,
why don't you look where you're going? Six or one and half? Doesn't
it? The lad don't argue with me? Give us a hand up?
How about you giving me hand up? Why I never met such a nasty
or obliging chat. But come, I have no time to argue with you,
neither of our My wife's poorly, and I promised to be young before
chucking that time. And here I am here, swiller. If your wife's
poorly. Why doesn't you sit home with her? Well? You see me
and the lad's got tag. You're in a bad discits so perennial thing.
You should have been home with your wife. Say you are you anyhow?
Why let's have a look at you. Well, I'm blooming imposter. I've
got you, imposter, imposster yourself. I'm Samuel Small. You lie,
I'm Sam Small. Now, don't contradict me. Look at me and see
if I don't look like Samuel Small. Let me see my goom. So
you does? Well? Now you see for yourself. Don't go mixing me
all up where you'll love me so conflumixed? I want no why to think?
Oh the one what mixes things up? How can you prove your sam
Small? Well? Well, I have a wife whose name is Morley,
so have I. And I have a daughter who's all away in Yankee Land.
Saw me too, She's went to a young chap of the earl.
I'll be jiggered. I see he is a very clever impostor. Indeed,
but I'm not the imposter you are. At least he's looked upon my background.
Oh wow, but you slipped up on one thing. I know what
I'll touch thee. Ah. There see that watch, Ah, it'd be
a gold watch. Aye, it do be gold. And there read that
what's written on the case To Sam Small, I know it by art.
It reads to Sam Small from his loyal wife Melicent on their wedding day.
Now see, well all be jigged. He look my watcher exactly the same
to Sam Small from his loyal wife Melissa. Who see now what you're saying?
Oh, by Gom, I am in trouble. Hi, yeah,
in trouble. I must have done somewhat wrong. And here I stand,
not knowing whether I'm me or you and me or I am you, or
whether us is both we? Why that said? What's it? We're both
me, both of us, both of us? Are you to be sure?
It's skits so perennial skits soper sure and me personality split wide open,
just like Gaffer and he was arguing down at the pub. Will what I've
become too on us? Will barkum think of that now? But but what
canus do about it? Luke? This is a very important happening, lad
We've got to go careful about it, we do, Aye, this needs
proper discussion. Now for the sake of getting it straight a bit. Suppose
I call you Samuel and you call me Sam. I see you're Sam and
you were Samuel right right now? Listen, Samuel. If we handle this
carefully, there's a fortune in it. For instance, doctors in such with
scientific curiosity, why they'd pay a right lot of brass to meet a couple
of chaps like us. Those doctors wouldn't they? I don't care for doctor
sam Why don't you care for doctors? Well? Up? And then they'd
want to operate on us. Aye, I don't care for them either,
come to think. And but happened we could get a tent and travel around
the county fairs. We'd been champion curiosities. What people appear chilling to see
us? Nay, I'd objective being a freak like Nay, Samuel. That
is not wrong with making a little honest brass lad. And while I'm not
got it all worked out yet, this brass in the general idea. Ah,
but it's getting late, Sam whose can't stay out here all night?
Well whilst he works it up, why not? Well there's money waiting up
for me at home, Sam, Well, we can't go on, not
two of us Samuel, that's all. But one could stay out here tonight
and puzzle out what's best to do toother can go home and say not to
money happened. We could do that, Samuel. It won't be cold sleeping
out here for your Sam. And in the morning I can sleep out and
then bring you a few lick tea out down a bit. I don't like
that idea. You going on to my wife? Why not? Sam?
It ain't moral, that's what Samuel. What's some since she explained to me
that we're both onelike because of this here schizophreennial. Why then when I go
home it's really you do what goes on? Well, I'm not sure about
that, Nah, Be sensible, Sam. One of us has got to
take a back seat for a while till we gets this thing all figured out.
That do be true, Samuel, Well, why don't you go away
for a few days and we'll both put a thinking caps on, Sam,
me go away. You'd enjoy a trip, wouldn't you, Sam, Well,
you'd have anything you'd want to eat, Sam, And that not the
mully told your back at all? Sam. You can go any way you
wants to go. Ah, that I could, eh, But It's sad
in all to think of a man giving up the rightful comfort of his hearth
and home. Watch your man go and forth, the uncherished wanderer on the
face of the earth, as you might say, But for this sake of
Mulley and a peace of mind, I make the sacrifice. Good Bye where
you're going, Why, I'll cut across the moor and be and Bradley.
Come on. Then I'll drop in the bank and get a little cash.
Here. Be careful with my savings account, some our savings, Samuel,
and my lad, there's some widerable burn. Expect me when you see me.
Keep the own fires burning, Samuel, Blackpoole by, come, that's
near the sea. I leave what I choose myself. There'll be gay people
at the town of Blackpool. I'll have me a good holaday, I will.
I want a platter, oh, platter of fried fish, and some
peace pudding, and some of the best ail you got in the house.
And and give me some of the best ail in the house the best day.
That will be right, huh. I'll have this cane here, No,
not that stick, give me that one with a gold sort of top.
Man's got to have a good walking stick. He does. A half
pint of the best air you got, and I want some of that their
butt and some of that custard pie. Moral, man, bring me morail.
That's what I said, Moral. And another thing, you should clean
it out your ears once a day. Man. Yes, what's a matter
of mister? You took a bit too much. I've cot to cold.
Maybe that laugh half mine I told you was what tune it? I tell
you I've got to cold. I'm more likely it's something you put in your
stomach. Now are you selling summer? Oh? If I weren't sick when
I come here in this pube, I am now. And you should have
your old woman fix you up a mastered football. I don't want a foot
bath. Molly gives me that rum and treacle. Well, I ain't selling
no rum to the likes of you. Come. I should have known better
and to expect either sense or pity in the town of Blackpool, Yorkshire.
That's done it. That's the final insult. First thing in the morning,
my phone to Molly. Samuel, Samuel. Oh it's you, sam be
me Samuel, and you had a good time, sam I do feel that
miserable Samuel. I've cut the cold in my back. Where have you been?
Oh? I was just off for a walk going into Darsnow, well
he's waiting for me. Been to the No, Sam, I never drink
now, I was all just as small back smoke bothers Molly. It does,
Oh, it does? What's wrong? Sam'll never read what's wrong?
I've just decided it behid time I come back home and took me rightful and
proper place beside me. White your jude much some I thought you wanted to
go away and have a fling. Well I've had med fling. I've flung.
Now it's your turn to go away, Samuel. Oh no, Sam,
I'm not comfortable. I stay all evenings with Molly. You do,
and I'm my wife. Oh wi, Remember we be two people in one
skits so perennial. You know, skits so perennial. Now don't conflumet me.
You've had a comfortable week, Samuel. Now it's my turn go away
for a business. It's some you're the one that likes to go away.
I'm the one that likes to stay all by. Come do I have to
stand here to argue with me? Look, I'm hungry. I've not had
my tea yet and I've cut the cold. Now up along, Samuel,
like a good chat, not me some then I'll go into and I've fully
find awesome. Nay, I'll not upset to like that. Now look here,
Samuel. If I know Molly, she's off to find out sooner or
later, so might's well be sooner then I can have Matie. I'll tell
you some your cart upset mullet. Hey, hey, wait a minute,
now I'll have McKay there. You can't do that to away some come back
here now, just up the steps, come here, don't that? Yes
I will, Oh, no, yes, I want Matia. I tell
you what's up now? Oh? Two of you? Oh gets in the
ouster for anyone sees. Oh, I never did see the light in Molly
the no, no, what trick you're playing on me? Some? Whichever
one on you is some small we both amily just think you never told me?
Yeah, the twindle, the summons, but one here some And when
I find out which one of you is some, he's up to which he'd
never been born. Lord Moly, we're both us, that is, we're
both me. What do you mean? Well? Last week you see I
ran into a lamp or something awful, lad, and well expect my personality
it did he What is it you're telling me? The poor sun split in
two? Now, Moly, it's a case of schizophrenial that's all. We'll
be two persons. But bother us is some small Well if it happened last
week, well, oh oh, I've been with you and thee Sam's being
to down a blackpool scalliwag. Now I see which one is? Some small
di me? So now we'd go gallivanting around and leave the two wife we
are stranger, Molly, don't be angry. Hasn't it been better were him
away? Haven't I stayed home all week and not got a bitter? You've
been so kind and considerate. You must be something wrong. I We're too
happy for it be true, Molly small you mean have you really been so
happy with we young man whilst I've been away some small I've never been so
cherished in all my born days. It's been the best week of my married
life. I see. Well, somehow there ain't much for a chat to
say when he finds out he's failed, is there? What I mean is
twelve I'd be a poor man to stand in the way of my wife's happiness.
So goodbye and good luck Molly. You see, Sam, I told
you I were the man to make Molley happy, Old John Sam, come
back here, what Molly, I've got someone to say to all this.
If this be true, this year's split personality business, what Joys has got
to do is think it out, ah, what us has done all the
thinking us can think? Why could we all stay here? Me live with
two husbands? Big me, but we're both Sam small? Really money?
Hi too? One husband sits up any We know that because we be open
minded. But I'm afraid the British law hasn't caught up with such modern things.
They'll conclude two husbands is too nor mistake, oh Dan, either church
wedding, we're only one man? Then one's married. Tone, that's not
that's against the law. Now, don't interrupt. Well I've decided. My
mother always used to say, well in dougs, go to sleep. So
Sam, no, I'm after bed and go to sleep, and you too
are outside. But look here, I don't like do I? But you
doubled yourself without my health. Happen your best sources out on the same rod
likewise without my health? Come on, get along with you don't and don't
come back. Walk till there's not but money. We'd best take a walk
and think some more, Samuel, eyes and stick close to me. I
want no tricks from you. I've not ad matia. Have you sought it
out? Sam, Look, I'm fair sick at death of the now be
quiet. It'd be the lamp post where we first met Ai, Sam were
bumped out. We did, and that's what made us two people. It
did that, it did. I had bump split us into two, may
up another. I'd bona rook, Sam, if you had stayed in black
Now you look, Samuel, my lad, I didn't stay in Blackpool.
I'm right here. Come. Samuel's murdered in your head. You're already right.
Eye has come, Samuel. Put up your jokes like a Yorksman.
But but I don't like bro I'll teach you. I like it. And
the Good Book says, if you're slapped on one, take turned to other.
There's no instructions what to do when that one gets slapped too. If
that means a chap has to use his own judgment, Saw, ye're right
to my ten next year, he's in my right spots. I let him,
have one a good one. Next time he's in the right spot,
I let him a good one. No, Molly, here Sam, yeah,
carry him in here there don't know so of for please misstruggle? He
to be everybody? What's happened to Lad this time? The strugle? Poor
Sam? All I know is he was uguing with Gamper. Sister we call
evening. Come time. Took him out. Sam here ran out like a
street but too much. Someone must have thought with him. No, Molly,
he was a lion next to the lampost when I come by, happening
might get into that lap? Poor some ins suory to get home. Well,
mister Rocle is breathing. Guess you go through? We will? Can
I do what moremy No, mister Rucle, just shoot dough when you go
with you would? All right? Poor Sam too much? Some in trouble
again, n Molly, I'm not drunk, of course, not some.
I killed him, Molly, who killed you? Some? Samuel? Samuel?
Samuel Lou Oh, then you forget Samuel, you forgive us, forget
to forgive a somewhat tails You get so perennial. Don't you remember, Molly,
Samuel and me? Why you said I only said you did not get
home before tooking out time some Well ah, well, Molly, you'd be
the best wife of the world. No, sir, I'm never going down
to this bread eagle anymore. I'll be staying Norman read here while you're nit
evan forbid. I'd never have a moment's peace Samuel's galloway. I was like,
yes you are, mm Hmmmullia am determined from now one, I'm up
to be more like Samuel. He's really my better rass Nay, you got
no but one better raft and that's me. Come on now, bumping it
to lamppost. You have heard Eric Knight short story Cess Mall's Better Half,
especially adapted for radio by Vernon Olsen and directed by Charles Urkhard Sam and Samuel
Small were played by Charles Penman and Herb Butterfield. The original musical score was
written and conducted by Roy Shield.