WEBVTT 1 00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:13.759 Hey, everybody, welcome back to Coming Out Pod. Pride is winding down, 2 00:00:14.199 --> 00:00:18.519 but I would not let you. I would not send you off into 3 00:00:18.559 --> 00:00:24.920 the world without doing a wrap up Pride month episode. So that's what this 4 00:00:25.039 --> 00:00:28.440 is. But first, as always, a queer root shout out. This 5 00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:33.880 was suggested also by a listener, but I've sort of I've tweaked it a 6 00:00:33.880 --> 00:00:40.840 little shout out to you if your queer root in any way is the movie 7 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:46.759 Terminator two. Now, this was suggested as you may have guessed specifically Linda 8 00:00:46.840 --> 00:00:51.920 Hamilton and Terminator two, who first of all, her arms are like well 9 00:00:51.960 --> 00:00:55.560 known. The whole movie is like her in a tank top, like shooting 10 00:00:55.640 --> 00:01:00.960 guns, like smoking a cigarette, wearing sunglasses, very sexy, very queer 11 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:07.640 coded. But also I was obsessed with Edward Furlong in Terminator two, little 12 00:01:07.719 --> 00:01:12.359 androgynous teenage boy. I wrote him fan letters in middle school, so I 13 00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:15.879 feel like he's a good queer root. And then, last, but not 14 00:01:15.079 --> 00:01:21.200 least, maybe you just like the the body of a totally chiseled built dude. 15 00:01:21.239 --> 00:01:26.480 Arnold Schwarzenegger famously naked in the beginning of Terminator two. He's naked, 16 00:01:26.200 --> 00:01:30.239 so I'm sure that did something for a lot of us. So Terminator two 17 00:01:30.280 --> 00:01:34.640 really firing on all cylinders regardless of what you're into. Shout out to you 18 00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:40.680 if anything in that film was your queer root. Y'all. Okay, today 19 00:01:40.879 --> 00:01:45.280 I am here with Elliot Maya who uh who goes by Leo? So you're 20 00:01:45.319 --> 00:01:49.879 gonna hear me call Elliot Leo. That was you would have figured that out, 21 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:55.079 but just a heads up, Hello Leo, welcome, Hi Hello. 22 00:01:55.439 --> 00:01:59.840 I have to pause you real fast. I have never felt more called out. 23 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.120 And then the queer room you just did. You just named like not 24 00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:07.080 my queer root, but just three definitely at least like partially pivotal figures of 25 00:02:07.159 --> 00:02:12.120 like yeah, I on all cylinders every character you just listed. I was 26 00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:16.439 like, yeah, I yeah. That makes me so happy when the guest 27 00:02:16.520 --> 00:02:23.599 relates to a queer root. So Leo is a writer, primari late television 28 00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:28.759 writer, a lot of animation which is so goddamn cool, and a gamer 29 00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:34.199 among other among many other things. But I met Leo. We met in 30 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:39.759 uh and you've heard me mention this group before a COVID conscious creators like virtual 31 00:02:39.840 --> 00:02:45.120 space that happens about once a month. My guest, Sarah Mossman, was 32 00:02:45.199 --> 00:02:47.360 also we met in that group as well. So yeah, so this is 33 00:02:47.400 --> 00:02:52.879 gonna be another episode where we talk about COVID. Don't you dare turn it 34 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:54.280 off? Don't you dare turn it off. We're gonna talk about a lot 35 00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:59.960 of fun queer shit as well. But yeah, for those who have followed 36 00:03:00.240 --> 00:03:02.800 this pod for a long time, you know that I am still very COVID 37 00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:07.520 conscious. I've talked about this a lot on this podcast in passing, but 38 00:03:07.560 --> 00:03:12.599 I've also had guests who have specifically addressed it. And if you're newer to 39 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:17.840 this podcast, episode two sixty two gives a really good like like COVID one 40 00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:22.280 oh one, like beginners sort of. Uh. It was the first episode 41 00:03:22.280 --> 00:03:25.400 I ever did about COVID with my friend Diana. Uh. And it literally 42 00:03:25.400 --> 00:03:30.599 that episode starts with like a five minute crash course and like here's all the 43 00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:32.360 stuff to know. So if you're interested, that's episode two sixty two. 44 00:03:32.680 --> 00:03:37.280 Uh. But we're gonna get to all of that stuff first, We're gonna 45 00:03:37.319 --> 00:03:40.879 we're gonna talk about Leo. Uh, Leo for the people, how do 46 00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:46.680 you identify? Yes, so I'll like I'm Elliott or Leo. I like 47 00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:52.319 Leo the best. It's kind of the more fun name I use they them 48 00:03:52.439 --> 00:03:55.240 and a sprinkle of he him and like a fruity Victorian dandy boy way, 49 00:03:55.479 --> 00:03:59.919 like not like in a man man way, but in a like Oscar why 50 00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:02.639 I would be eating this up sort of way, Like that's my energy. 51 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:10.360 I identify as queer or what I like to call more like buffet gay, 52 00:04:10.840 --> 00:04:15.759 like basically thank you, Like basically like when you're at a hometown buffet for 53 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:18.720 whatever god awful reason, kind of a little bit of everything right you can't 54 00:04:18.759 --> 00:04:23.040 just like having just one plate of one thing would be absurd in that setting. 55 00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:24.959 And that's sort of how I approach it, a kind of like I'm 56 00:04:25.000 --> 00:04:30.800 into anything that catches my eye, like very much like uh appreciator of like 57 00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:35.000 male bird energy of like if you're big and loud and like, do you 58 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:38.639 get a little dance for me? And I like it, Like I'm here, 59 00:04:38.959 --> 00:04:42.399 distract me, entertained me, I'm simulated. I'm down for it. 60 00:04:42.439 --> 00:04:45.519 So like if you got me a glitter on, yes, I'm a peacock 61 00:04:45.639 --> 00:04:49.879 lover. You know absolutely okay that those are some great you are a writer, 62 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:56.240 Those are some really good descriptions. I really enjoyed all of that okay, 63 00:04:56.279 --> 00:05:01.600 fantastic, So Willow where things start for you? I know nothing about 64 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:05.879 your background. We just met that one time and like we have friends in 65 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:11.399 common, but I know nothing about you. So yeah, let's spell it. 66 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:15.399 Yeah. I feel like I feel like my coming out storry is kind 67 00:05:15.399 --> 00:05:19.160 of like anti climactic is not the right word, but I think it's like 68 00:05:20.600 --> 00:05:26.240 a what's the right word, A chronological, it's a it's not the right 69 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:33.079 It feels like Tarantino directed my coming out story. Like it's like not quite 70 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:34.879 in the right place. We're kind of like you don't know that till the 71 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:38.800 end, like wait a second, that was normal there? What happened? 72 00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:45.639 But I think the basic of it is like I started realizing that I was 73 00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:48.680 like not like the other girls in many ways when I was like around nine 74 00:05:48.759 --> 00:05:53.560 years old, which is also unfortunately the same time I started puberty. Like 75 00:05:53.680 --> 00:05:58.800 I don't remember a time when I was not pubescent, which is like horrendous, 76 00:05:59.759 --> 00:06:01.439 Oh my gosh, Okay, okay, I was like so the opposite 77 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:06.000 where I started like super late Pubert Day so jealous and I'm sure this grass 78 00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:09.480 is always greener, but I was always just like wow, would have not 79 00:06:09.639 --> 00:06:13.240 been nice to like run in middle school, not have like tits hitting me 80 00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:16.519 in the eye. You know, yes, Okay, I gotcha, I 81 00:06:16.560 --> 00:06:20.480 gotcha, gotcha. Yeah. So I was like definitely an early developer, 82 00:06:20.519 --> 00:06:24.240 as my grandmother would call it. Unfortunately I don't like I hate that for 83 00:06:24.279 --> 00:06:28.959 other reasons. But I around that time, you know, all the puberty 84 00:06:29.079 --> 00:06:32.560 hormones moving fast, fast and loose. At nine, I was like really 85 00:06:32.759 --> 00:06:38.839 obsessed with like anime and manga and there's anything that, like in early two 86 00:06:38.920 --> 00:06:44.959 thousands anime is going to have. It is like an absurd amount of fan 87 00:06:45.079 --> 00:06:48.959 service. I mean, like tits ass booty pane shots for no reason. 88 00:06:49.439 --> 00:06:53.519 Yeah, and I'm at nine, like yeah, I'm like, yeah, 89 00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:59.560 I'm I'm good with this. Yeah. Like my point of like a quote 90 00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:01.920 unquot you know, my low is like not quite a feminist moment of like 91 00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:05.600 you know, this is bad for storytelling, but also like good for me 92 00:07:05.639 --> 00:07:10.720 individually. So you know, you know, no, I feel I get 93 00:07:10.759 --> 00:07:13.319 it. I get it, okay, Okay. And where did you grow 94 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:16.759 up? Where are you from? Yeah? So I'm born and mostly raised 95 00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:23.040 in like California and like sun Arizona, but I grew up in do you 96 00:07:23.079 --> 00:07:28.240 know where Temecula is yeah, okay, I've never been, but isn't it 97 00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:30.879 No, oh, is it not pretty? Do I remember? I thought 98 00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:33.959 it was like wine country? It is. I think I'm just biased. 99 00:07:34.040 --> 00:07:38.319 It's wine country. The winer rais are biased. I think it's like hell 100 00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:43.720 on Earth. But it's also I think where in textbooks that when the term 101 00:07:43.839 --> 00:07:47.639 white flight is used to describe like the demographic shift, Temecula is literally the 102 00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:53.759 case study of it got of like white people being like, oh no, 103 00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:57.959 there's like people who aren't me in the city. Let's move somewhere new, 104 00:07:58.079 --> 00:08:01.360 Like, oh, Temecula, that sounds nice and exotic, let's start here. 105 00:08:01.439 --> 00:08:03.720 Line like that's that's where I grew up. So since you know the 106 00:08:03.839 --> 00:08:07.439 stereotype of like one in a class of like thirty kids, it's like me 107 00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:11.160 the only black kid and my brother the only black and like for a while 108 00:08:11.279 --> 00:08:15.000 until I think my it's as like around sixteen, there were like more people 109 00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:16.240 of color in the area, but a lot of it was like I went 110 00:08:16.279 --> 00:08:20.519 to high school and middle school at like largely situations where it was just just 111 00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:26.519 me, and I'm like that all obviously like adds a different flavor to my 112 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:31.800 coming out because there's also the race aspects that there's a gender flavors you know 113 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:35.120 as well, But like, yeah, that's where I started. We had 114 00:08:35.159 --> 00:08:39.639 our first of many of Lauren realizing her white privilege RUMs where I'm like, 115 00:08:39.639 --> 00:08:43.279 Temecula, isn't that beautiful one country? And You're like, of course that's 116 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:45.679 what I've heard of it and what I think of it. So like, 117 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:50.240 yeah, okay, good reframing. Thank you, a masterful pivot by you 118 00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:54.840 as well, But yeah, it just was like, what an off? 119 00:08:56.000 --> 00:08:58.639 Yeah, I was not having a good time, but I will give it 120 00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:01.799 a bit of grace here, and that Smecula definitely has its own issues outside 121 00:09:01.840 --> 00:09:05.919 of my family, but a big part of my issue with it was my 122 00:09:05.039 --> 00:09:11.120 family. So I grew up in a very very Christian household. Like, 123 00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:18.519 okay, are you familiar with Jehovah's Witnesses? Oh yeah, okay, yeah, 124 00:09:18.840 --> 00:09:26.000 that religion is it bears a lot of the tenets of also like a 125 00:09:26.039 --> 00:09:30.720 cult. It's not technically one, so I won't say it is, but 126 00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:35.279 there's a lot of similarities there, and one of them is the whole name 127 00:09:35.360 --> 00:09:37.759 and shame tactic and the whole like if you get the fellowship, you get 128 00:09:37.799 --> 00:09:41.600 cut off from your entire family, and you are not allowed to be spoken 129 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:45.879 to by anyone in the faith. So you can including like if I was 130 00:09:45.879 --> 00:09:48.039 a child, like a high schooler, like if I got a fellowship, 131 00:09:48.279 --> 00:09:50.799 my mom would not speak to me, Andy would get kicked out of the 132 00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:54.919 house, or they would like know what it's like getting made invisible, And 133 00:09:54.960 --> 00:09:58.120 so of course people they have a high like return rate because like if you've 134 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:01.679 been stood from the outside world, like a lot of us were growing up, 135 00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:05.879 then all you know is your congregation. And then when you try to 136 00:10:05.960 --> 00:10:09.480 leave that, it's like the social contraction of like you've not been taught how 137 00:10:09.480 --> 00:10:13.120 to be quote unquote normal in society, you've not made bonds outside of it. 138 00:10:13.240 --> 00:10:16.600 You don't have a job, you have no money, you have nothing, 139 00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:18.639 and so you get to go home. And so I'm lucky that I 140 00:10:18.679 --> 00:10:22.240 got out of that. But part of me getting out of that was realizing 141 00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:26.559 I was queer pretty early and being like these bitches hate me. They don't 142 00:10:26.600 --> 00:10:31.000 even know who I am yet, and I just like from a young age 143 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:33.000 because I knew when I was around nine, I was like, I'm not 144 00:10:33.879 --> 00:10:35.080 straight in someway, I don't even know what those words really mean you. 145 00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:39.039 But I'm like, I know that's not me, you know, and so 146 00:10:39.080 --> 00:10:45.039 I would just like your oh yeah in it. My mother's entire side of 147 00:10:45.080 --> 00:10:48.720 the family are all Job's witnesses. Yeah. So it's like I don't have 148 00:10:48.759 --> 00:10:54.919 a single like blood, you know, what is it called, like distant 149 00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:58.840 relative or like I keep want to say second and third party, that's not 150 00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:01.399 the right term, but like, you know, not my immediate family. 151 00:11:01.519 --> 00:11:03.559 I don't have anyone my mom's side, Yes, thank you. I'm not 152 00:11:03.639 --> 00:11:07.080 like I don't know a third part, like I'm a voting or something. 153 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:13.000 I don't know, I know, I mean, okay, I'll start one 154 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:16.639 more bit of tea. They're basically libertarians if they could vote, but they're 155 00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:20.720 not allowed to vote. So part of the religions aren't supposed to vote. 156 00:11:22.080 --> 00:11:26.039 Nope, no voting, No birthdays, no holidays, birthdays. I didn't 157 00:11:26.039 --> 00:11:31.120 know, no voting. Yeah, no voting quote unquote being not part of 158 00:11:31.159 --> 00:11:33.679 this world, and being part of this world means like having anything to do 159 00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:39.759 with politics, you know, quote unquote aberrant sexuality, Yeah, anything like 160 00:11:39.799 --> 00:11:41.559 that. So like all the things that I was hitting, I'm like, 161 00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:46.480 I'm very politically opinionated and was like not straight, was not since gender, 162 00:11:46.519 --> 00:11:50.000 and I was kind of like, oh, I gotta get the hell out 163 00:11:50.039 --> 00:11:54.200 of here, like pretty early, which I think saves me from getting caught 164 00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:56.720 up in it. I think I was more like I would love some direction 165 00:11:56.879 --> 00:12:00.679 in my life, but like not this direction. How to get out of 166 00:12:00.679 --> 00:12:05.080 here? So that's how I escape that. Oh my god, I mean 167 00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:07.519 we're laughing, but I cannot imagine this as a child, Like this must 168 00:12:07.519 --> 00:12:15.639 have been so oppressive, like just Jesus, Okay, I mean, yeah, 169 00:12:15.720 --> 00:12:20.440 no pun intended, but yeah Jesus. But yeah, that was sort 170 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:24.320 of where I was, Like that was my like little emotional Petrie dish, 171 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:28.879 my social Petrie dish. And I was like one of the few kids in 172 00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:31.679 my congregation allowed to go to public school because my mother like fought for it, 173 00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:37.639 essentially only in public school. Yeah, so they're just witnesses schools. 174 00:12:39.639 --> 00:12:43.960 No, they're all homeschooled. Oh they're supposed to be. I didn't know 175 00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:50.440 any of this. Yeah, wow. So it's very geared towards retention because 176 00:12:50.480 --> 00:12:52.360 like it's also when I joke around, it's like an old people's religion of 177 00:12:52.399 --> 00:12:58.080 like a lot of the aspirations for it are things that are much more appealing 178 00:12:58.080 --> 00:13:01.399 to people who are like later in years, So there's very little to retain 179 00:13:01.960 --> 00:13:05.320 children and young people and young adults, which they need. So the answer 180 00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:09.840 to that was if we reduced their contact with other children outside of the faith, 181 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:13.799 they have nowhere to go and desire. So yeah, it's a whole 182 00:13:13.879 --> 00:13:18.600 like system of like keep you at home, don't leave our site until you're 183 00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:24.039 old enough to like want to be here and be inclicated enough. So yeah, 184 00:13:24.080 --> 00:13:26.159 but I was like, I know this can't work for me because I 185 00:13:26.200 --> 00:13:30.120 know your God hates me, so I'm like, what am I doing here? 186 00:13:30.240 --> 00:13:33.879 So I was just sort of often about that hatred like in the church, 187 00:13:35.000 --> 00:13:39.240 like that you are observing that by nine, So they're like talking outwardly 188 00:13:39.279 --> 00:13:45.120 about it. Yes, liked talking outwardly and in meetings when people would Basically 189 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:48.480 the way that that meeting session is sort of like church mixed with like astocratic 190 00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:52.440 seminar where you raise your hand to like read a passage from the Bible or 191 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:58.080 give an answer because they they're asking like questions to the people congress. It's 192 00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:00.919 very interesting version of church. It's more Yeah, it's study group it's a 193 00:14:00.919 --> 00:14:03.200 Bible study group, but like you do it like six days a week, 194 00:14:03.559 --> 00:14:07.759 and at that time before like they had things changed later, well, it 195 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:11.759 was more like I spent three days a week, about two to three hours 196 00:14:11.799 --> 00:14:18.919 each time in like congregation official meetings, and then outside of that two days 197 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:24.039 a week we had Bible study, and then on the weekend we did two 198 00:14:24.080 --> 00:14:26.759 to four hours of like quote unquote field service, which is like walking door 199 00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:33.879 to door and like preaching the word. And I'm like nine to high school, 200 00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:37.480 so you can imagine the social awfulness of that where I'm like, I 201 00:14:37.519 --> 00:14:41.799 don't my works fear was always like I'm going to knock on the door and 202 00:14:41.879 --> 00:14:46.840 someone I know is going to be there, you know. Oh gosh, 203 00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:52.519 I didn't even think of that. Yeah, that's oh geez okay, oh 204 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:58.159 boy, okay, okay. So this is the background for everything. Yes, 205 00:14:58.279 --> 00:15:05.600 So this is the context background for all of it. And so I 206 00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:09.440 was like, oh yeah, So I think it kind of framed my view 207 00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:13.279 of like queerness because I was like, oh, okay, from age nine, 208 00:15:13.279 --> 00:15:16.159 I'm like, oh God hates me. Cool. But in a way 209 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:18.200 I was sort of like I'm born at rock bottom. I can only go 210 00:15:18.440 --> 00:15:22.679 up from here, so I might as well have a good time here, 211 00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:28.200 right, thought, that's a great optimistic way of looking exactly. And also 212 00:15:28.720 --> 00:15:31.279 you know, I was like I don't want to be in the space. 213 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:35.000 But also this that religious context sort of ruled my life like an iron face 214 00:15:35.080 --> 00:15:39.759 exactly, Like how do you guess out of something like that, especially if 215 00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:46.600 you're young, Like yeah, okay, yeah, basically my only answer was 216 00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:52.399 college because what's a part of the edicts of the of the faith are not 217 00:15:52.840 --> 00:15:56.120 making more money than you quote unquote need and living like a very small and 218 00:15:56.200 --> 00:16:00.440 humble life. So like there, you know, my mother was the again. 219 00:16:02.039 --> 00:16:04.559 Luckily she was enough of an outlier to give me enough space to escape 220 00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:10.080 and my brother to escape. But he was a brother who's three years older 221 00:16:10.080 --> 00:16:15.600 than me. He will play parts in the story. But my mom was 222 00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:19.159 like a work is a workaholic. So she was very much like I had 223 00:16:19.159 --> 00:16:22.120 to work hard because she was a single mother. So she's like, I 224 00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:26.799 have to make all of the money now because I'm not getting child support from 225 00:16:26.799 --> 00:16:29.720 my dad. I got to do a little more of like a real world 226 00:16:29.840 --> 00:16:36.759 understanding. And she was like, you guys need education because I don't have 227 00:16:36.919 --> 00:16:40.600 money. For you. You guys have to go get good jobs, and 228 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:41.639 to get a good job, you need a good education. So like, 229 00:16:41.919 --> 00:16:48.240 actually my children will be in fact going to college. So yeah, I 230 00:16:48.279 --> 00:16:49.720 was like, oh thank god I had to pay for it myself. But 231 00:16:49.759 --> 00:16:52.480 I you know, like that that was the goal. I was like, 232 00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:53.720 I knew at least I was not going to have to fight her on that 233 00:16:53.759 --> 00:17:00.320 part. So I spent from like age like nine or like middle school age. 234 00:17:00.440 --> 00:17:03.480 I was like, Okay, my only goal right now is get to 235 00:17:03.559 --> 00:17:08.319 college, because I literally can't even imagine life outside of that. So I 236 00:17:08.920 --> 00:17:12.000 my story is less of like I mean, I think a lot of people 237 00:17:12.400 --> 00:17:15.720 do know young and then it's kind of like I got to come out and 238 00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:18.599 then some people are con I had no idea and everyone else knew, and 239 00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:22.880 mine was sort of that in between of like I knew like most of it. 240 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:25.720 I was like, I know, i'd like girls. I don't know 241 00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:27.279 all the gender things yet, but I know. I'm like I got called 242 00:17:27.400 --> 00:17:30.440 tomboy a lot, and but I did know. I was like, I 243 00:17:30.559 --> 00:17:34.160 like that being called that better than like girl. I hate being in dresses. 244 00:17:34.359 --> 00:17:38.319 When I was forced into femininity, it was like the most amphorrant thing 245 00:17:38.359 --> 00:17:41.640 to me, which I think is hilarious now. It's like I love like 246 00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:45.839 makeup and earrings now, but like not giving the choice to do the other 247 00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:48.559 half of the other parts of me made me hate everything else. Yep. 248 00:17:49.039 --> 00:17:55.240 Well, okay, so you paid your own way to college, like so 249 00:17:56.200 --> 00:17:57.559 not quite a little bit. That was my intention. So like from a 250 00:17:57.559 --> 00:18:02.759 young age, I also was like I would bring Duffel bags to school to 251 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:07.920 collect the recycling and take the recycling home and like cash it myself at home, 252 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:10.960 like I was feeling for my call from my high school and my middle 253 00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:11.880 school, like just like saving up as much as I could. Like I 254 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:15.559 was like fine, yeah, I know. I was like, yeah, 255 00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:18.839 are terrible. Yeah, I was like, shut up, I'll take your 256 00:18:18.880 --> 00:18:22.400 money, like get out of here. So yeah, I was like really 257 00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:27.240 working towards that because I think in a very real sense, I truly could 258 00:18:27.240 --> 00:18:30.200 not imagine a future while I was in that space. It was just so 259 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:34.240 just a dominant part of my life, and I was like I won't begin 260 00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:37.480 to live until I'm out of here. The only way I knew how to 261 00:18:37.480 --> 00:18:40.319 get out of here, and the same myself is like getting to school. 262 00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:44.200 So while I was in high school. I was like I got my first 263 00:18:44.319 --> 00:18:48.920 job at twelve, being a signing spinner on like the street for like Verizon 264 00:18:48.039 --> 00:18:52.079 or something. And so that's kind of the backstep of my high school experience. 265 00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:56.319 Like the emotional part of my coming out was like I was one of 266 00:18:56.359 --> 00:19:02.119 those people who like had a crush on Like if you became like my best 267 00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:06.000 friend and you were like a girl, I probably had a crush on you. 268 00:19:06.400 --> 00:19:10.039 Sorry, if if you're listening to this somehow on accident and you're finding 269 00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:11.559 out now, like here you go. But I don't think it was I 270 00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:15.519 don't think it was like a secret either. I think like I talked by 271 00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:18.880 like the end of my high school years, I was kind of talking around 272 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:25.839 queerness in like a largely like straight, straight, straight ish group, and 273 00:19:25.880 --> 00:19:30.519 like no one was saying the words, but like I kind of understood stood 274 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:33.359 that they knew I was not like fully straight, and I kind of like 275 00:19:33.400 --> 00:19:37.960 stayed in that place with them. But also it's strange because like this was, 276 00:19:38.039 --> 00:19:47.920 like I graduated high school in twenty fourteen. I'm a little baby. 277 00:19:48.000 --> 00:19:52.039 Yeah, at the same age you and me, we could be twins, 278 00:19:53.240 --> 00:20:00.559 I'm gonna say, but like, uh, yeah, that was sort of 279 00:20:00.559 --> 00:20:06.240 the backdrop of that, but like twenty you know, twenty ten's and then 280 00:20:06.240 --> 00:20:08.759 in middle school before that, we're still very much in the like being gay, 281 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:11.319 is it really like it's a joke, right, like a very like 282 00:20:11.559 --> 00:20:15.799 saying slurs like whatever was very much like funny. So like we're all and 283 00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:21.440 I'm like me toxic, I'm part of the problem. I'm saying the same 284 00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:26.039 words. Even yeah, so many of us who are doing that. Yeah, 285 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:29.440 yeah, even though it's hilarious now I'm like, oh, my friend 286 00:20:29.480 --> 00:20:33.000 group had to have been like, I mean, if if you want to 287 00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:34.640 say it, like sure, it's weird telling the joke in front of you, 288 00:20:34.720 --> 00:20:37.400 but like sure, yeah you're not saying things. We're gonna just keep 289 00:20:37.400 --> 00:20:41.279 saying it. So I'm gonna just like people suck and they're like, uh, 290 00:20:45.319 --> 00:20:48.200 this part of your journey. We'll go on. Yeah yeah sure. 291 00:20:48.279 --> 00:20:51.240 So it was still like I would not call it at all, like a 292 00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:55.400 like safe space for me. It was not not discussed so yet me and 293 00:20:55.440 --> 00:20:57.920 my like I hate the word lady friends, but me and my lady friends 294 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:03.599 were like, I'm not weird, but like genuine friendships. I really did 295 00:21:03.720 --> 00:21:06.160 care about them. And I was not like seeing them as like sexual objects 296 00:21:06.240 --> 00:21:07.519 or anything. I was like, I care for you. I also am 297 00:21:07.559 --> 00:21:11.599 like I could be. It was more like I could be attract I really 298 00:21:11.640 --> 00:21:14.319 like so much, you know. Yeah, I felt like I would feel 299 00:21:14.359 --> 00:21:18.319 guilty about a lot of my friendships because I was like, you're my friend, 300 00:21:18.519 --> 00:21:22.680 but I do like think you're hat I have a question. Yeah, 301 00:21:22.759 --> 00:21:29.799 So I felt like that was like like being like deceitful, you know, 302 00:21:30.000 --> 00:21:33.839 like, which is so shitty because it's like you shouldn't. You don't what 303 00:21:33.920 --> 00:21:37.079 to You're not gonna tell them that would make everything weird. So it's like 304 00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:40.240 you feel like you're being deceitful, but what are you supposed to do about 305 00:21:40.279 --> 00:21:42.240 like you can't? Yeah, I I related to this a lot, right, 306 00:21:42.680 --> 00:21:47.000 very stressful looking back. I was just like always like date to day, 307 00:21:47.000 --> 00:21:49.039 they're gonna like find out I'm like some kind of gay monster, like 308 00:21:49.240 --> 00:21:55.319 lusting after their bodies, you know. But I think for me that feeling 309 00:21:55.359 --> 00:21:59.240 was also alleviated by the fact that I did also like men. So I 310 00:21:59.240 --> 00:22:02.240 also had a crash. I'm like a couple of the guys in our group, 311 00:22:02.279 --> 00:22:03.920 So I kind of was like, Okay, I think it's even you 312 00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:06.839 know, it's not like me like being weird, like I spread it out 313 00:22:06.839 --> 00:22:11.640 and let everyone started getting a bit of this math. Yes it's it's I'm 314 00:22:11.680 --> 00:22:18.799 all about equity and equality. I yes, yes, the original pioneer of 315 00:22:18.839 --> 00:22:23.480 DEI with me in the middle school in high school. But that was my 316 00:22:23.799 --> 00:22:29.839 sort of like friend holding pattern. But I unfortunately was another gay stereotype. 317 00:22:30.319 --> 00:22:37.200 I was a gay bully in high school. Interesting, okay, oh yeah, 318 00:22:38.039 --> 00:22:41.559 Chris, if you're out there, I'm so so sorry. But like, 319 00:22:41.720 --> 00:22:48.200 essentially, there was this guy in my high school named Chris, and 320 00:22:48.200 --> 00:22:51.200 I won't say the last name, but his name is Chris, sweet sweet 321 00:22:51.240 --> 00:22:55.480 guy. And he was one of those people who I know it's not correct, 322 00:22:55.519 --> 00:22:59.519 but people felt very entitled to be like, oh, you're not performing 323 00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:03.039 masculine quote unquote right, you're gay, right, like you must be gay. 324 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:04.799 And he was one of the people who was like, what, like, 325 00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:08.079 no, I'm I'm like not even thinking about that. In hindsight, 326 00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:11.319 I'm kind of like that was how was the answer though? Right there, 327 00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:14.839 Chris, you weren't thinking about it's like kind of you know, but like 328 00:23:15.000 --> 00:23:18.640 he he was, uh you know, kind of was getting like sort of 329 00:23:19.519 --> 00:23:23.599 kind of bullied, but very like subtly and like I don't even think he 330 00:23:23.680 --> 00:23:26.440 registered it for until I told him it was happening. Like I was like, 331 00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:30.799 you understand, people are bullying you, but like I like fixated on 332 00:23:30.839 --> 00:23:37.480 this, on this poor guy because he was doing the thing that I wish 333 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:42.839 I could do, which I know who I am. Yeah yeah, Like 334 00:23:42.920 --> 00:23:48.079 I was like, I know who I am on the inside, but I 335 00:23:48.119 --> 00:23:52.400 am all but like gagged and tied, both like at school and in my 336 00:23:52.440 --> 00:23:56.119 social life. Also part of the thing too was around my senior or sophomore 337 00:23:56.200 --> 00:24:02.279 year, one of the other JW fam one of their new family moves and 338 00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:07.359 I believe and their son went to my school, and now school was no 339 00:24:07.400 --> 00:24:11.279 longer safe because anything he saw would be reported. So I was like, 340 00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:14.240 I don't even have this anymore. You know, I don't know who talks 341 00:24:14.279 --> 00:24:18.960 to who, I don't know what the friendship level is like, so I 342 00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:22.599 was like I can't even safely express this the way that I was starting to 343 00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:30.000 want to, because the repercussions were like you know I can, yeah. 344 00:24:30.279 --> 00:24:32.200 Yeah. It was like, yeah, there's a spy, but I don't 345 00:24:32.200 --> 00:24:33.680 know where and who he is, you know, at any time, I 346 00:24:33.720 --> 00:24:37.960 can be undone and like the Jake is up, you know, I didn't 347 00:24:37.000 --> 00:24:40.440 want to deal with that, and like that would have been like kicked out 348 00:24:40.440 --> 00:24:42.319 of the home or like my door would have been removed from the hands, 349 00:24:42.359 --> 00:24:45.400 like crazy things would have happened. And I was just like, like my 350 00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:48.359 family was also a family that was sort of like I was told a lot 351 00:24:48.519 --> 00:24:53.400 things like I don't have to feed you. That's what I choose to do, 352 00:24:53.799 --> 00:24:59.799 so very much a very like transactional conditional setting of like if you're not 353 00:25:00.119 --> 00:25:02.880 a follower of God, then you don't belong in this house. And so 354 00:25:02.920 --> 00:25:04.279 I was kind of like, well, I need a place to live so 355 00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:07.880 I can go to school. So I guess I got a lot, you 356 00:25:07.920 --> 00:25:15.559 know, yeah yeah, And so I'm like, but I'm seeing this guy 357 00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:21.519 sweet again, sweetest guy ever, sweet eye Chris, like basically and he 358 00:25:21.559 --> 00:25:25.920 did end up coming out later. But this guy who I was like, 359 00:25:26.000 --> 00:25:29.119 I'm clocking. I'm like, oh, you're gay as hell like me too, 360 00:25:29.279 --> 00:25:33.000 but like I was so look, I was jealous. I was deeply 361 00:25:33.079 --> 00:25:37.960 jealous of envious because I'm like, you are gay publicly and you don't even 362 00:25:38.079 --> 00:25:44.079 know and you don't have to carry the burden of this. Like I was 363 00:25:44.119 --> 00:25:48.599 like, oh, I'm I'm living, I'm you know. That was my 364 00:25:48.839 --> 00:25:53.200 maturity of like I'm seeing in you what I wish I had and you don't 365 00:25:53.200 --> 00:25:56.880 even know. And I was like, I'm going to, like I want 366 00:25:56.880 --> 00:26:00.400 to like cause problems for you basically, So I started to bully him, 367 00:26:00.599 --> 00:26:03.319 like he was mostly just getting like teas behind his back, and I made 368 00:26:03.359 --> 00:26:07.359 it overt, like I was the one who was starting to make it overt. 369 00:26:07.359 --> 00:26:11.119 But also because you know, down the line surprise like gender change, 370 00:26:11.319 --> 00:26:15.640 like anything, even starting now at this point, like my attraction to men 371 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:21.400 was always sort of aborted or like never satisfactory. One I was like not, 372 00:26:22.640 --> 00:26:25.599 I was afraid of men in like many ways, but also I was 373 00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:29.440 like me at the time, I was not pulling men either, so I 374 00:26:29.759 --> 00:26:32.480 was kind of like, Okay, they're kind of not a non entity. 375 00:26:32.559 --> 00:26:37.960 And the men I was pulling vaguely were like weirdos and men who saw me 376 00:26:38.599 --> 00:26:42.480 not just as like a woman, but as a like vulnerable, like underage 377 00:26:42.880 --> 00:26:48.000 woman, you know. So it was you know, the triple whammy, 378 00:26:48.119 --> 00:26:52.799 the like holy trinity of like bad vibes, you know. So and what 379 00:26:52.960 --> 00:26:57.440 all I wanted looking back now, I wanted men to be attract queer men 380 00:26:57.480 --> 00:27:03.359 to be attracted to me, to validate and see my queer masculinity is side 381 00:27:03.519 --> 00:27:08.559 so interesting? Okay, Yeah, so like my some of my hardest crushes, 382 00:27:08.599 --> 00:27:12.559 and I think also my first boyfriend in middle school, which lasted for 383 00:27:12.599 --> 00:27:18.200 like I want to say, all the month. But that first boyfriend, 384 00:27:18.359 --> 00:27:21.880 also very like queer, ended up being also coming out and I was just 385 00:27:21.960 --> 00:27:25.119 I was clalking them. I was like, I'm seeing you. I'm attracted 386 00:27:25.160 --> 00:27:29.680 to you because of your queerness, but you can't see who I am on 387 00:27:29.720 --> 00:27:33.640 the inside yet because I have not my internal self and my excerior yourself were 388 00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:38.000 very much not in alignment at the time. Like I was performing femininity one 389 00:27:38.000 --> 00:27:41.359 second and trying to like hard pivot into like what I understood to be like 390 00:27:41.839 --> 00:27:45.319 masculinity, but also could never really do that because of my household and when 391 00:27:45.319 --> 00:27:51.720 I was allowed to purchase, like I was not allowed to make. Yeah, 392 00:27:51.799 --> 00:27:55.559 because all the stuff you're describing would be so much on its own, 393 00:27:55.720 --> 00:28:02.559 but add the layer of a very specific religion that is very hardcore, and 394 00:28:02.599 --> 00:28:07.079 then at the other specific of being like one of a handful of black kids 395 00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:11.720 surrounded by white like gentrifire people. So it's just like you have it from 396 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:15.599 literally every angle like that. Yeah, brute, I had it from jump. 397 00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:19.839 I was just sort of like I And also, funny thing quick aside 398 00:28:19.960 --> 00:28:23.440 is I did not put a lot of this together until like last year, 399 00:28:23.480 --> 00:28:26.960 like I didn't really realize that it was like yeah, yeah, I was 400 00:28:27.000 --> 00:28:32.799 just like, oh, that's I've been basically in like basically PTSD energy since 401 00:28:32.839 --> 00:28:34.000 I was like ten years old. So I was like, I had no 402 00:28:34.079 --> 00:28:37.039 concept of what normal was until someone very gently was sort of like, hey, 403 00:28:37.079 --> 00:28:40.200 I love you, so I want to tell you this. Your upbringing 404 00:28:40.279 --> 00:28:42.799 is not normal, like people don't grow up her things like and it's not 405 00:28:42.920 --> 00:28:48.440 your fault, but like your parents are normal, your old community is at 406 00:28:48.440 --> 00:28:49.920 normal, like you should not use them as a rout brick. And I 407 00:28:49.960 --> 00:28:55.920 was like, oh, you know what my life makes like that that's a 408 00:28:55.960 --> 00:28:59.160 bad place to be in. Like of course I've got all kinds of like 409 00:28:59.440 --> 00:29:02.799 fun constants of issues, right, I was like that it makes more sense. 410 00:29:02.920 --> 00:29:07.079 I'm not I'm not inherently broken or whatever. I just grew up in 411 00:29:07.160 --> 00:29:12.759 the like the worst version of like the like abuse lottery that was possible. 412 00:29:14.480 --> 00:29:18.480 I got a fully yeazzy like whammy whammy, like I got it. I 413 00:29:18.519 --> 00:29:26.119 won it all. So like, so you get you got yourself into college? 414 00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:32.359 Yes, so I got something into college ironically with Chris's help. So 415 00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:36.920 basically I started bullying up away and then we but I was bullying him, 416 00:29:36.920 --> 00:29:40.920 but also I was attracted to him like horrifically because he was a queer like 417 00:29:41.039 --> 00:29:42.799 man, you know, he didn't know, so I wound up being his 418 00:29:44.039 --> 00:29:47.119 like with that. We didn't we did not ever like engage physically, but 419 00:29:47.160 --> 00:29:49.759 there was fives towards the end, but it was like I basically something like 420 00:29:51.200 --> 00:29:53.480 in an attempt to bully him privately or Okay, I was a terrible bully 421 00:29:53.519 --> 00:29:57.319 too because I was bullying him, and I made him get me a job, 422 00:29:57.400 --> 00:30:00.079 and then it made him take me to the job and he worked there 423 00:30:00.119 --> 00:30:03.480 too, So we ended up being I tried to bully him, I ended 424 00:30:03.519 --> 00:30:07.319 up becoming his like queer confidant and like helped him make me come out to 425 00:30:07.400 --> 00:30:12.279 himself. And I was living like curiously through him as he began his like 426 00:30:12.519 --> 00:30:18.480 first for raisins like gay cruising and like seeing men. And meanwhile I'm also 427 00:30:18.559 --> 00:30:22.720 deeply jealous, Like I'm also I'm like, what a fun time you had 428 00:30:22.759 --> 00:30:23.920 it. I'm still like still kind of half a bully, but also come 429 00:30:23.960 --> 00:30:26.720 about, I'm like deeply uraniem like I both like you and I want to 430 00:30:26.799 --> 00:30:30.559 be I want your experience, and I'm like, don't understand why I can't 431 00:30:30.599 --> 00:30:33.599 have it. I don't even know if it is a way to get it. 432 00:30:33.640 --> 00:30:37.160 And so I'm deeply sad and alone, but also like you're the closest 433 00:30:37.200 --> 00:30:40.240 I have to appear, so like we're gonna talk, even though I'm also 434 00:30:40.480 --> 00:30:44.039 terrible to you. At school, it was a very weird, dynamic bad 435 00:30:44.279 --> 00:30:47.839 but basically that job with Chris started helping me put together, like re making 436 00:30:47.880 --> 00:30:53.640 real money for the first time. Like we were tutoring international students in high 437 00:30:53.640 --> 00:30:56.759 school and yeah, so I was making the most money I've ever made, 438 00:30:56.839 --> 00:30:59.279 Like all right at that time, you know, I was like, I'm 439 00:30:59.279 --> 00:31:02.359 making like one hundreds dollars every week, Oh my god, almost a thousand 440 00:31:02.400 --> 00:31:04.680 dollars, like and like two weeks. Oh my god. It was crazy 441 00:31:04.680 --> 00:31:08.839 for me. So I was putting on a way for school, and then 442 00:31:10.240 --> 00:31:14.279 I got a lucky break because of my academic success at the time, so 443 00:31:14.400 --> 00:31:18.680 I wound up nailing myself a full ride to college in the Midwest. Wow. 444 00:31:19.480 --> 00:31:25.279 So yeah, I got to college and I was like, Okay, 445 00:31:25.519 --> 00:31:29.480 this is it. I get to My whole plan was like basically cut off 446 00:31:29.480 --> 00:31:32.880 my entire family except for my brother and my dad, who at that point 447 00:31:33.240 --> 00:31:37.759 I had told I was not straight, and they wow, yes, oh 448 00:31:37.799 --> 00:31:41.319 my god. And were they accepting. Oh yeah, my dad is like, 449 00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:44.440 oh he my parents are divorced. My dad is like, what was 450 00:31:44.440 --> 00:31:48.279 spent many years. It's like a black panther and a counselor for like veterans 451 00:31:48.279 --> 00:31:52.400 and people and like gangs in New York and whatnot. So he's very much 452 00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:56.039 like, as long as they're not like killing people, I could not care 453 00:31:56.119 --> 00:31:57.559 less than actually, I'm happy for you. You look happy and you've been 454 00:31:57.559 --> 00:32:01.039 in like years. My brother was sort of like, He's like, yeah, 455 00:32:01.119 --> 00:32:06.839 I like we would read like Mango with like girls with their tips out 456 00:32:06.880 --> 00:32:10.559 when we were like nine and tel because I know, yeah. I was 457 00:32:10.559 --> 00:32:14.559 like I figured you knew, but I just wanted to really put it out 458 00:32:14.599 --> 00:32:15.680 there for you. He's like, don't worry, it's been out there. 459 00:32:15.720 --> 00:32:19.839 I was like, Okay, calm down, like it's fine. So my 460 00:32:19.920 --> 00:32:23.240 mom was the last person I told, and I ended up telling her my 461 00:32:23.359 --> 00:32:25.920 first year of college when I came home for spring break, because I was 462 00:32:25.960 --> 00:32:30.880 like, oh, that's side okay. I I had I think my first 463 00:32:30.960 --> 00:32:35.000 year. Yeah, it was my first year, because I was like it 464 00:32:35.079 --> 00:32:38.279 was weighing on me, and I was like, I want to tell her 465 00:32:38.400 --> 00:32:43.319 so that when I cut her off for good, there is nothing left undone. 466 00:32:43.480 --> 00:32:49.799 At that time, we had a terrible relationship too, So I after 467 00:32:50.079 --> 00:32:52.359 my first year too, was like baby gay one oh one. It was 468 00:32:52.440 --> 00:32:58.759 like wow, wow, Rainbow everything going to fucking conferences for free with my 469 00:32:58.839 --> 00:33:01.119 college. I'm like for all the gay kids together. I was doing all 470 00:33:01.160 --> 00:33:06.759 of that. I was like, awesome, I got nothing but time teach 471 00:33:06.880 --> 00:33:09.839 me about women. And I was like, wow, I was on one 472 00:33:09.960 --> 00:33:15.759 one uh doing the goddamn most and somehow the least. Like I was like 473 00:33:15.839 --> 00:33:20.920 very much like getting involved with the GSA and all the things on campus, 474 00:33:21.799 --> 00:33:25.119 but also very much like well like dwell women like I don't know, like 475 00:33:25.200 --> 00:33:30.079 me and I have not even really had like an official, like consensual first 476 00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:37.200 kiss until for sure you're shucking doing the signs since you were like twelve, 477 00:33:37.279 --> 00:33:39.359 Like how are you gonna have time? Yeah? Yeah, I was like 478 00:33:39.799 --> 00:33:45.279 I was like the energy of like both like my heart was like or the 479 00:33:46.160 --> 00:33:52.519 ambition and like emotional grindstead of like a sixty year old man who's worked in 480 00:33:52.559 --> 00:33:55.759 a factory for seventy it's flocking in trying to clock in, but also the 481 00:33:55.839 --> 00:34:00.000 external exuberance of like Spongebober. I was just like, wow, like a 482 00:34:00.160 --> 00:34:04.680 new world. I can like be happy here and like be myself. I'm 483 00:34:04.680 --> 00:34:07.679 like quickly realize there are other issues in like college campuses in the adult world, 484 00:34:07.719 --> 00:34:12.199 and like it's not all you know, rainbow shit and ponies. It 485 00:34:12.280 --> 00:34:15.000 was other stuff. But like that was the first time of being like I 486 00:34:15.039 --> 00:34:16.800 get to choose what my life looks like, and I get to choose who 487 00:34:16.800 --> 00:34:21.000 I'm around and they get to choose me back. It's not like beholden by 488 00:34:21.039 --> 00:34:25.800 blood, family or religious ties or isolation. So I did a lot of 489 00:34:25.840 --> 00:34:31.000 learning that first year and felt secure enough at the end of that first year 490 00:34:31.400 --> 00:34:37.079 when I came home for a spring break to like tell my mom because I 491 00:34:37.119 --> 00:34:39.000 was like, I didn't wait said the last week of spring break. So 492 00:34:39.079 --> 00:34:43.000 I was like, if I had to leave like early. I can go. 493 00:34:44.079 --> 00:34:45.639 If it's fine, it's fine, but if it's not, Like I 494 00:34:45.639 --> 00:34:51.440 had literally packed my bags and everything and I just put them by the door, 495 00:34:51.679 --> 00:34:53.440 just ready to go, or like and had another bag that was kind 496 00:34:53.440 --> 00:34:55.480 of like I don't have time to get my suitcase because the case it like 497 00:34:55.519 --> 00:34:59.320 goes violent. I have a bag of like the necessities. I can just 498 00:34:59.360 --> 00:35:04.639 go, right, And so it ended up I ended up like sitting my 499 00:35:04.639 --> 00:35:06.719 mom down and kind of telling her like, hey, mom, like, 500 00:35:07.159 --> 00:35:10.800 I don't know if you've put this together yet, but like I'm not straight. 501 00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:15.800 And I think at the time I might have had my first like girlfriend. 502 00:35:16.199 --> 00:35:20.760 I can't remember, but I think it was around then. But I 503 00:35:20.800 --> 00:35:25.039 was like, I'm not straight and I like am dating someone, and it 504 00:35:25.079 --> 00:35:28.360 was like not as bad as it could have been, but it was definitely 505 00:35:28.360 --> 00:35:32.400 disappointing. Like my mom did the the delayed version of what we talked about 506 00:35:32.400 --> 00:35:37.039 of like the old girl girlfriends or old like high school friends who thought you 507 00:35:37.119 --> 00:35:38.800 were talking to She's kind of like, do I mean you want to sit 508 00:35:38.880 --> 00:35:42.199 with me? And I'm like I said I was gay, not like into 509 00:35:42.239 --> 00:35:46.960 incests, like that's you that Oh my god, that's reaction. Yeah. 510 00:35:47.039 --> 00:35:52.880 Her first response was is, yeah, I've not that's a first on this, 511 00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:54.719 pope, I've never heard. Okay, that to me feels like I'm 512 00:35:54.719 --> 00:36:00.639 going to blame this fully on a very isolated religion because that reaction is so 513 00:36:00.920 --> 00:36:08.400 wild. Did you equate I'm queer to you want to have sex with me? 514 00:36:08.480 --> 00:36:13.039 Your mother? Like? That is such like I have been in a 515 00:36:13.079 --> 00:36:19.159 bubble for so many years and taught so many lies about queernesses. I'm so 516 00:36:19.199 --> 00:36:22.519 sorry you had to hear that. I cannot imagine how disturbing that is. 517 00:36:22.159 --> 00:36:29.400 Yeah, it was. It was so like I'd literally like I was like, 518 00:36:29.559 --> 00:36:31.840 my patience was traumatic. Minimum. I was like, I was like, 519 00:36:31.960 --> 00:36:35.079 I was like, mom, two things. One, I said, 520 00:36:35.159 --> 00:36:37.360 I'm gay, not into incests. Two, I like women, but I 521 00:36:37.400 --> 00:36:46.280 do have standards so you don't meet them. Actually yeah, it's also still 522 00:36:46.360 --> 00:36:51.320 terrible. But yeah, I was just like okay, Yeah, I was 523 00:36:51.360 --> 00:36:54.320 like, lady, Yeah, And I think she's like she had a whole 524 00:36:54.360 --> 00:36:57.079 du a whole thing, and she's like, you know, ran away and 525 00:36:57.119 --> 00:37:00.239 then she came back like a day later and was sort of like I like 526 00:37:00.360 --> 00:37:04.440 sat with it, and like I was hopeful, hoping for the whole like 527 00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:07.679 i've like I still love you situation, which like she did, she did 528 00:37:07.719 --> 00:37:09.760 mostly do. She's kind of I still care about you, but she's kind 529 00:37:09.800 --> 00:37:14.039 of like, are you sure? Are you really surely? You know everyone 530 00:37:14.039 --> 00:37:16.519 has those feelings of like, yeah, thinking women are attracted on my I 531 00:37:16.519 --> 00:37:19.360 was like, I have sex with women. She's kind of like, I 532 00:37:19.360 --> 00:37:21.079 don't want to hear that, and I was like, okay, great, 533 00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:22.480 I probably want to make it really clear with you. It's not like a 534 00:37:22.960 --> 00:37:25.920 I saw a girl for the first time somehow that you'd like and I'm like, 535 00:37:25.920 --> 00:37:29.400 oh my god, like, what's happened to my little my new decent 536 00:37:29.480 --> 00:37:30.880 body at nineteen years old? And I was like, no, mom, 537 00:37:30.920 --> 00:37:36.840 it's really much. It's very really that. I uh, I'm I'm I 538 00:37:36.960 --> 00:37:40.400 like girls like I like men too, but I like girls. And she 539 00:37:40.679 --> 00:37:45.800 was like, I love you. Never speak about this again to me, 540 00:37:45.880 --> 00:37:47.159 but okay, And I was kind of like, that's not really love, 541 00:37:47.199 --> 00:37:51.599 but okay sure. So that was like, yeah, we got is better 542 00:37:51.719 --> 00:37:55.239 than it could have been, considering the amount that I feel like she had 543 00:37:55.239 --> 00:38:00.239 been poisoned by the community she was in terms of what that means, So 544 00:38:00.679 --> 00:38:04.719 yes, yeah, yeah, it was a weird situation, and like now 545 00:38:04.800 --> 00:38:08.639 our relationship is like much better, and she's still like for a couple of 546 00:38:08.679 --> 00:38:14.079 years she kind of was moving towards the whole like not like tall, not 547 00:38:14.159 --> 00:38:17.679 like accepting, but like tolerant, sort of like would politely half lessen when 548 00:38:17.679 --> 00:38:21.079 I talked about like people I was dating, how happy I was, and 549 00:38:21.119 --> 00:38:22.679 then like would be like, but happ you met this man. I'm kind 550 00:38:22.679 --> 00:38:27.119 of like, okay, stop talking, but like so very much still kind 551 00:38:27.119 --> 00:38:30.800 of is iffy with me about it, but like was making out of progress. 552 00:38:30.880 --> 00:38:36.119 And then when she retired at the beginning of the pandemic in twenty twenty, 553 00:38:36.440 --> 00:38:42.360 it went downhill because now her only social outlet was her religion, and 554 00:38:42.679 --> 00:38:45.800 it went from being like seeing normal people in the world that work for like 555 00:38:45.840 --> 00:38:51.280 eight hours a day to just that crew. And she's kind of like done 556 00:38:51.320 --> 00:38:53.079 a not a one eighty, but it's kind of done like a sixty degree 557 00:38:53.440 --> 00:38:59.519 like reverb, like yeah, it's kind of like back up, you know, 558 00:38:59.559 --> 00:39:02.159 back into the old ways, and kind of just like yeah, but 559 00:39:02.239 --> 00:39:07.519 I it's okay. I've put boundaries up with her where I'm like you because 560 00:39:07.559 --> 00:39:09.719 she tried to tell me like you can't talk to me about gay things, 561 00:39:09.880 --> 00:39:13.280 like okay, then you can't talk to me about like religion. You see 562 00:39:13.280 --> 00:39:16.039 how we have nothing to talk about. Yeah, so so she was like, 563 00:39:16.079 --> 00:39:19.159 Okay, you can talk to me about gay thing. Let's like okay, 564 00:39:19.199 --> 00:39:21.719 cool, great, as long as you agree. Like it's crazy to 565 00:39:21.719 --> 00:39:25.360 try to put dictates on a friendship or a relationship, right, I'm kind 566 00:39:25.360 --> 00:39:29.079 of like it has to go two ways or it doesn't go at all. 567 00:39:34.239 --> 00:39:42.599 Okay, So so let's gracelessly segue into let's let's talk about long COVID. 568 00:39:43.400 --> 00:39:46.480 Yeah, it's a hard pivot, but I know this is tough. This 569 00:39:46.559 --> 00:39:52.480 is really tough to talk about. So like, to whatever degree you're comfortable, 570 00:39:53.119 --> 00:39:58.440 oh yeah, I can talk about all of it. So I you 571 00:39:58.480 --> 00:40:06.000 know, I got a my only like quote unquote really known COVID infection early 572 00:40:06.119 --> 00:40:09.880 on. Like it's so early that I don't even have like there's obviously, 573 00:40:09.880 --> 00:40:14.000 of course it's potential that I had other ones because none of us had at 574 00:40:14.039 --> 00:40:17.039 least I did not have an up to date yeah, like PPE for the 575 00:40:17.119 --> 00:40:23.360 longest, but I got so okay, so it makes me mad just thinking 576 00:40:23.360 --> 00:40:28.639 out of it. Essentially in twenty twenty twenty nineteen. Whenever everything started, 577 00:40:29.119 --> 00:40:32.559 I had a mild infection. So I had two weeks of like fatigue and 578 00:40:32.679 --> 00:40:37.159 like just feeling kind of like empty headed for like two weeks. And then 579 00:40:37.239 --> 00:40:39.239 I resolved with my mom, who I was in my people in my house, 580 00:40:39.239 --> 00:40:43.480 who I was in contact with at home. Like my mom was like 581 00:40:43.599 --> 00:40:46.880 really sick for a hot minute for like several days, like for four or 582 00:40:46.920 --> 00:40:50.440 five days, was really sick. Event she began to recover. But like 583 00:40:50.760 --> 00:40:57.599 so we had a very mild infection. But within six months my long COVID 584 00:40:57.880 --> 00:41:01.000 started because you know, try to get back to like exercising, because you 585 00:41:01.079 --> 00:41:04.960 were like back to normal, and it's like no, and I didn't know 586 00:41:05.239 --> 00:41:09.079 shit back then, Like yes, did not know anything. Yes, So 587 00:41:09.880 --> 00:41:14.239 and my for me, it was like a very like tumultuous on ramp to 588 00:41:14.280 --> 00:41:21.480 illness. It was like I started with like uh like like ibs like stomach 589 00:41:21.559 --> 00:41:24.039 pain and I was like eating food and then I was it was coming out 590 00:41:24.119 --> 00:41:29.280 undigested, Like I was like my my my stomach acid is changing, like 591 00:41:29.320 --> 00:41:34.440 I'm light headed. I it just kind of escalated to I end up getting 592 00:41:34.440 --> 00:41:37.199 like vertigo. So now I'm getting the stipular migraines, which like triggered while 593 00:41:37.239 --> 00:41:42.719 I was like on a family like vacation in ile idle wild in high Outo, 594 00:41:42.800 --> 00:41:45.119 which I now know like my life does not does not handle it because 595 00:41:45.119 --> 00:41:49.039 of long COVID affecting my blood flow. So I'm like, of course, 596 00:41:49.079 --> 00:41:51.440 you know, they're all having a fun time. I'm like, wake up 597 00:41:51.480 --> 00:41:54.719 on the second day, like sick as a dog, like can't Like I'm 598 00:41:54.719 --> 00:41:58.400 in beautiful and I want to go do things, but I'm like, for 599 00:41:58.400 --> 00:42:01.760 whatever, my brain isn't working, I can't like do anything. And I 600 00:42:01.880 --> 00:42:06.599 was I was like ended up staying home, like watching my little niece who 601 00:42:06.639 --> 00:42:08.719 was like a kind of a newborn ish for like a year old at that 602 00:42:08.760 --> 00:42:14.679 point. So I was babysitting her and late all day in the cabin, 603 00:42:14.719 --> 00:42:16.840 like falling asleep and like feverish and not well and didn't know what was going 604 00:42:16.840 --> 00:42:22.159 on. And then that night I was like I felt like shit all day, 605 00:42:22.239 --> 00:42:24.440 I don't know what's going on. And while everyone was like my mom, 606 00:42:24.599 --> 00:42:28.840 everyone had left to their own cabins and just my mom and I like 607 00:42:28.920 --> 00:42:32.400 someone else in the other cabin, and I walked outside and it's pitch black 608 00:42:32.400 --> 00:42:37.559 out there, and I just felt like my whole head was like vibrating. 609 00:42:37.000 --> 00:42:40.599 And I looked up at the sky and the moon was there, and I 610 00:42:40.719 --> 00:42:45.000 just it was like, you know that like animal feeling that you're like a 611 00:42:45.079 --> 00:42:47.599 predator is staring at me at my neck like that, like full body, 612 00:42:47.639 --> 00:42:50.960 like like the hair on the back of your neck goes up, like you 613 00:42:51.039 --> 00:42:53.679 just feel like something bad about to happen, like that happened. And as 614 00:42:53.719 --> 00:42:59.599 I'm looking at it, the literal moon begins to spin, like turning into 615 00:42:59.639 --> 00:43:04.679 the little like whoo whoo, whooah whooh, like whirly gig of life. 616 00:43:04.679 --> 00:43:07.599 And I'm like and I'm like, oh, this is it. This is 617 00:43:07.599 --> 00:43:08.960 a mental breakdown. This is a hying break Like I'm like, oh, 618 00:43:09.039 --> 00:43:13.159 yep, twenty five, twenty four years in the making, this sounds about 619 00:43:13.199 --> 00:43:15.800 right. And I was like, okay, like here it comes. And 620 00:43:15.920 --> 00:43:19.880 I literally have like had a mental breakdown. I had to like walk into 621 00:43:19.920 --> 00:43:22.320 that my cabin. I was kind of like, hey, so the moon 622 00:43:22.400 --> 00:43:23.639 is moving. Can you just I know it's probably not actively moly. Can 623 00:43:23.639 --> 00:43:27.400 you just go outside and verify that for me real fast? Okay, I'm 624 00:43:27.440 --> 00:43:30.559 crazy, all right? And like that began like the mental like long COVID 625 00:43:30.639 --> 00:43:35.639 of like the brain fog, the like I now had vestibular migraines, like 626 00:43:35.639 --> 00:43:37.760 I probably stood up too fast. I would like pass out with a post 627 00:43:37.840 --> 00:43:45.480 orthesthetic to cardio syndrome. And yeah, it was like a rampant like dan 628 00:43:45.599 --> 00:43:52.079 like like downslide to just like I had every symptom. And I think by 629 00:43:52.119 --> 00:43:54.639 the by now year four or five, since I started kind of like twenty 630 00:43:54.719 --> 00:44:00.760 nineteen, twenty twenty ish, I've had I think of the two hundred current 631 00:44:00.320 --> 00:44:05.599 cataloged long COVID symptoms, I've had one hundred and seventy two over four years, 632 00:44:05.639 --> 00:44:09.199 four or five years. So it was a really bad time. There 633 00:44:09.280 --> 00:44:15.199 was a time where my sixty two year old mother had to literally like hold 634 00:44:15.280 --> 00:44:17.960 me up so I could walk around because I was just I was too weak. 635 00:44:19.280 --> 00:44:22.239 I'm just like I had like rampant inflammation. My eyes were going. 636 00:44:22.280 --> 00:44:27.079 I was like was losing eyesight in one eye for a while. I was 637 00:44:28.159 --> 00:44:31.280 like in and out of like conscious, out of like sense of self. 638 00:44:31.280 --> 00:44:35.519 I was like I was like everything that made me who I was, my 639 00:44:35.719 --> 00:44:38.800 like a lot of my unfortunately my identity was you know tied up in what 640 00:44:38.840 --> 00:44:42.760 I now know to be like more like ablest rhetoric, but my a lot 641 00:44:42.800 --> 00:44:45.280 of my identity and sense of security and my self esteem was wrapped up and 642 00:44:45.320 --> 00:44:49.039 being like, well, at least I'm the smart one in the family. 643 00:44:49.159 --> 00:44:54.039 At least I have that. And I felt like COVID long COVID was like 644 00:44:54.039 --> 00:44:58.960 like a little grine, like like taking that last ornament off of the for 645 00:44:58.960 --> 00:45:00.480 the Chrismas Chrismas Traine, you walked right out of my life. And I 646 00:45:00.519 --> 00:45:04.880 was like, oh, I have nothing now. I'm like stuck at home 647 00:45:05.119 --> 00:45:07.559 my worst fear. I can't go anywhere, I can't work, and I 648 00:45:07.639 --> 00:45:10.039 just also I had just gotten my dream job. I had just got my 649 00:45:10.119 --> 00:45:14.960 first job in animation, and I and that's when the long COVID start, 650 00:45:15.000 --> 00:45:17.400 like when the mental long COVID started, and I was like, I I 651 00:45:19.039 --> 00:45:22.559 have to hold on to this. And so I basically was like working thankfully 652 00:45:22.599 --> 00:45:27.480 remotely, but I would work remotely and you know, be quote unquote on 653 00:45:27.840 --> 00:45:30.119 the entire time like like hi, guys, like it's time to work, 654 00:45:30.159 --> 00:45:34.599 I'm so excited to be here, and then that camera would turn off and 655 00:45:34.639 --> 00:45:37.920 I would just collapse into a puddle, and I was just like, why 656 00:45:37.119 --> 00:45:42.480 people think That's why so many people go, well, I don't know anyone 657 00:45:42.519 --> 00:45:45.039 with long COVID, you don't. I'm gonna I was gonna swear, and 658 00:45:45.079 --> 00:45:47.639 I'm trying to not be angry. I don't want to be in my feelings. 659 00:45:49.159 --> 00:45:53.960 People do not know and do not understand that they do know people with 660 00:45:54.039 --> 00:46:00.519 long COVID. People are are hiding it for all of the reasons that you're 661 00:46:00.559 --> 00:46:04.360 saying, because you know, they have their dream job or whatever, or 662 00:46:04.440 --> 00:46:07.719 they have any job, and they need to support their family, and some 663 00:46:07.880 --> 00:46:12.880 people with long COVID have these some people do not have the ability to hide 664 00:46:12.920 --> 00:46:15.719 it, like you're saying, at the time when your mom was literally having 665 00:46:15.719 --> 00:46:20.920 to walk you around the house, okay, during those periods, could not 666 00:46:21.440 --> 00:46:23.760 have hidden that. But people don't. Oh God, I'm sorry. As 667 00:46:23.760 --> 00:46:29.519 someone who also deals uh with with chronic illness, people don't understand that it's 668 00:46:29.519 --> 00:46:32.199 a roller coaster of up and down. It's always variable. You have these 669 00:46:32.280 --> 00:46:37.800 upmoments, and so people are really able to hide it more than you think. 670 00:46:38.559 --> 00:46:42.199 And that goes for not just long COVID, any sir, I hid 671 00:46:42.360 --> 00:46:45.679 my shit for like so fucking long with like chronic pain, stuff that is 672 00:46:45.719 --> 00:46:50.119 invisible. You can hide that shit when you have to. So when people 673 00:46:50.159 --> 00:46:53.280 are like if the numbers on long COVID were as bad as like you guys 674 00:46:53.320 --> 00:46:57.719 are saying when you like do your posts about it, I would know people. 675 00:46:58.079 --> 00:47:01.679 I promise you you know someone who is dealing with this right now. 676 00:47:01.840 --> 00:47:07.440 I promise you. Numerically you do, you do yes, And they're and 677 00:47:07.480 --> 00:47:13.000 they're they may not even be aware of it, but they are internalizedableism. 678 00:47:13.039 --> 00:47:15.280 All the things we're talking about. They are working to make sure you don't 679 00:47:15.320 --> 00:47:21.159 know. That's my little soapbox. Yeah, I just know. I love 680 00:47:21.280 --> 00:47:25.079 that you said it because it's it's like I had known about invisible disabilities, 681 00:47:25.199 --> 00:47:30.679 and looking back on it, I like actually had more than I thought beforehand. 682 00:47:30.719 --> 00:47:34.639 Like I also have like ADHD and like other things like like uh on 683 00:47:34.679 --> 00:47:38.719 the emotional learning side of things. But also I've had chronic pain since I 684 00:47:38.760 --> 00:47:43.079 was fifteen. I just had no language for it because I was told I 685 00:47:43.119 --> 00:47:45.320 had growing pains. Even though I'm like, I'm like twenty five, I 686 00:47:45.320 --> 00:47:49.960 hadn't done growing. Like there's the thing I ain't going up no more. 687 00:47:49.960 --> 00:47:55.800 It's just outland it's no up anywhere. So I was like, I didn't 688 00:47:55.840 --> 00:48:00.800 have that language for it. And also I think because of all this rampant 689 00:48:00.800 --> 00:48:05.159 ableism, it's it's yeah, ableism is not just like in like TV. 690 00:48:05.280 --> 00:48:07.920 I think it's like Bria kick it the kid of the wheelchair. It's like 691 00:48:07.960 --> 00:48:10.119 no able women is like the inherent structure of our society, and it is 692 00:48:10.159 --> 00:48:15.760 like disability justice is like the thing that requires that every movement should have it 693 00:48:15.800 --> 00:48:19.559 at center because it touches every group. There's no group of people, yes 694 00:48:19.840 --> 00:48:22.119 under the son, who are not touched by disability. And like we all, 695 00:48:22.199 --> 00:48:27.800 if we are lucky, you will all live long enough to become disabled. 696 00:48:28.280 --> 00:48:32.199 That is such a truth and people are we are terrified of that. 697 00:48:32.280 --> 00:48:36.159 And I've talked about this. I'm sure I've mentioned this on the podcast before, 698 00:48:36.519 --> 00:48:39.480 but the gray area between life and death. People can't handle that, 699 00:48:39.840 --> 00:48:45.239 like they can't handle it. So it's like if COVID or whatever it is 700 00:48:45.239 --> 00:48:47.360 isn't gonna kill them, or they think it's not gonna kill them, then 701 00:48:47.400 --> 00:48:52.039 they just check out of the conversation because to reckon with the fact that you 702 00:48:52.079 --> 00:48:55.639 can exist in a state where yes, you are still living, but it, 703 00:48:55.679 --> 00:49:02.880 but you are disabled or you are dealing with life so much less ability 704 00:49:04.400 --> 00:49:07.960 than like people. That's so that's scary, it's too scary, and so 705 00:49:07.960 --> 00:49:13.239 people just check out. I think it is a complete I completely agree, 706 00:49:13.280 --> 00:49:15.239 and it's a complete I had to I had to contend with that. So 707 00:49:15.320 --> 00:49:20.039 I'm like, you know, fresher in it. But it is a complete 708 00:49:20.199 --> 00:49:23.719 loss of the fallacy of control that we build our entire lives of. Like 709 00:49:24.000 --> 00:49:28.599 if I do everything right, if I'm a good moral person, I follow 710 00:49:28.679 --> 00:49:32.239 the social rules, I will never get hurt, I will never be harmed, 711 00:49:32.280 --> 00:49:37.639 I will nothing battle ever happen to me. And disability and pandemics and 712 00:49:38.400 --> 00:49:45.239 disease and just random acts of violence are the like sort of the joker car 713 00:49:45.320 --> 00:49:47.480 that you pull in the middle of the deck. It's sort of like Uno 714 00:49:47.599 --> 00:49:52.239 reversed you JK. At any moment, this can be you. So instead 715 00:49:52.280 --> 00:49:58.119 of waiting until it's quote unquote relevant to you, know now that it's already 716 00:49:58.159 --> 00:50:00.760 relevant to you. It's already going to you will be this way if you're 717 00:50:00.920 --> 00:50:04.519 lucky one way or another, because you can be this or you could be 718 00:50:04.559 --> 00:50:08.320 dead, and it's better to prepare for the inevitability of disability than it is 719 00:50:08.360 --> 00:50:15.079 to live in the fallacy and the unreality of I'm going to be what like 720 00:50:15.679 --> 00:50:19.480 thirty and like hailing hardy forever, like no one is, no one ever 721 00:50:19.519 --> 00:50:22.400 has been. But like the commodity culture that we're in has us treat our 722 00:50:22.440 --> 00:50:28.000 own lives of commodity as well, that sense of scarcity of like if I 723 00:50:28.039 --> 00:50:30.760 give up, if I make space for the disabled, I'll lose my time 724 00:50:30.800 --> 00:50:35.400 on earth because my time is already so eaten up by like school and obligation. 725 00:50:35.639 --> 00:50:37.960 I can't bear to lose my time. And it's like it's not actually 726 00:50:38.079 --> 00:50:43.880 yours, it's our time, and we could reclaim it together if we've fought 727 00:50:43.960 --> 00:50:50.159 together. But if you choose the self, if you choose your personal short 728 00:50:50.440 --> 00:50:59.920 very very short term and uncertain gain over the collective win, we all lose 729 00:51:00.280 --> 00:51:05.960 faster. And people don't get that. That was so well said, Like 730 00:51:06.280 --> 00:51:09.480 oh thank you. Yeah, I And like I said, I get in 731 00:51:09.599 --> 00:51:15.039 my feelings and tend to get like angry and the less articulate, but you 732 00:51:15.679 --> 00:51:22.159 just really spelled it out. And yeah, I just just and in terms 733 00:51:22.159 --> 00:51:24.559 of just like facts and all that, I just want to want to stress 734 00:51:24.840 --> 00:51:30.159 that because I know, Leo, you were talking about the infection happening obviously 735 00:51:30.320 --> 00:51:35.199 pre vaccines. It was so early. But and y'all, if you heard 736 00:51:35.960 --> 00:51:38.840 the my episode that I mentioned with my friend Diana, you already know this. 737 00:51:38.960 --> 00:51:45.519 But yeah, so vaccines do not prevent well, they don't prevent transmission 738 00:51:46.039 --> 00:51:51.239 first of all, but they they do not prevent long COVID. There is 739 00:51:51.320 --> 00:51:55.840 belief that it can mitigate the possibility of it, but not to be like 740 00:51:57.000 --> 00:52:00.559 glue and doom. I hate when we get accused of quote unquote remongering. 741 00:52:00.599 --> 00:52:06.800 These are actual scientific facts. It is unfortunate, but plenty of people who 742 00:52:06.840 --> 00:52:09.079 are up to date on or were up to date on their vaccinations at the 743 00:52:09.119 --> 00:52:14.079 time that they got COVID are dealing with long COVID. So it is very 744 00:52:14.119 --> 00:52:20.599 unfortunately not It's not a fail safe by any means at all. And that's 745 00:52:20.639 --> 00:52:27.880 why people like me and Leo are so sort of trying to put it in 746 00:52:28.000 --> 00:52:34.480 the public awareness because it I don't think these facts are necessarily known, and 747 00:52:34.519 --> 00:52:37.039 it is really scary, and that's why people tend to get angry when we 748 00:52:37.159 --> 00:52:44.760 sort of talk about it. But unfortunately, if you contract COVID, you 749 00:52:44.800 --> 00:52:47.960 are at risk of long COVID period. It doesn't matter how mild quote unquote 750 00:52:49.639 --> 00:52:52.480 A lot of issues with that word, but it doesn't matter how mild infection 751 00:52:52.639 --> 00:52:55.199 is. So yeah, I just do want to put that out there because 752 00:52:55.199 --> 00:53:00.360 I don't think that information has been made widely No and buy our public health 753 00:53:00.360 --> 00:53:04.800 agency, So it's up to people like me and Leo to try to try 754 00:53:04.840 --> 00:53:08.280 to tell you that. Yes. And So, I have so much empathy 755 00:53:08.880 --> 00:53:16.039 for folks not believing this or understanding this or whatever because and I've alluded to 756 00:53:16.199 --> 00:53:20.880 my health stuff on the podcast, I've never been that specific because I'm uncomfortable 757 00:53:21.079 --> 00:53:23.480 talking about it. It's like hard to be vulnerable. But had my life 758 00:53:23.559 --> 00:53:29.159 not irrevocably changed when I was twenty four years old, It's so interesting because 759 00:53:29.159 --> 00:53:31.280 didn't you also say twenty four I was like, oh twinning, but like, 760 00:53:31.360 --> 00:53:34.400 yeah, I had a thing happened to me, and I had a 761 00:53:34.440 --> 00:53:37.320 doctor be like, wow, this happened to one hundred other people. Ninety 762 00:53:37.360 --> 00:53:39.599 nine would have been fine, but like, oh sorry, Oh you're stuck 763 00:53:39.599 --> 00:53:44.119 with it. That's basically what a doctor said to me. I would not 764 00:53:44.480 --> 00:53:50.119 be as clued into the fact that your life can change, like literally on 765 00:53:50.199 --> 00:53:53.840 a dime, but that is what happened to me, And so I have 766 00:53:54.000 --> 00:54:01.280 so much just like empathy for folks who are dealing with this and and want 767 00:54:01.280 --> 00:54:06.480 to get not to happen two more people. Yes, that's like yes, 768 00:54:07.199 --> 00:54:13.039 I just like yeah, yeah, no, I feel what you're saying, 769 00:54:13.079 --> 00:54:16.960 because it's like that painful fervor. I'm like, I'm sure people tried to 770 00:54:17.119 --> 00:54:22.280 tell me in different times in my life this exact lesson. In fact, 771 00:54:22.320 --> 00:54:25.960 I know that line I said earlier of some effort. Oh my god, 772 00:54:27.000 --> 00:54:30.199 something I said earlier. Actually I heard from like my one of my first 773 00:54:30.199 --> 00:54:36.760 girlfriends who was like, disability is part of everything, and like you are 774 00:54:37.360 --> 00:54:40.440 you are only ever temporarily able bodied, and so living life like you will 775 00:54:40.480 --> 00:54:46.679 be this way forever just hurts every people who are disabled now and you later, 776 00:54:47.079 --> 00:54:52.320 and so it's better to handle it now than to wait. And I 777 00:54:52.920 --> 00:54:57.360 like knew that or thought I knew that, and then when I have become 778 00:54:57.519 --> 00:55:01.320 now to say very very much so like more publicly disabled, I was like, 779 00:55:01.559 --> 00:55:04.559 oh I thought I got it, but I did it. I didn't. 780 00:55:04.639 --> 00:55:09.559 I still had an unconscious relationship to ableism. I still felt my validity 781 00:55:10.039 --> 00:55:16.159 was still socially being upheld by being quote unquote able bond or looking a certain 782 00:55:16.159 --> 00:55:20.639 way, moving a certain way, having a certain presence in spaces. And 783 00:55:20.679 --> 00:55:22.519 now that I'm like, I have been stripped of a lot of these things 784 00:55:23.039 --> 00:55:27.559 by force. I'm like, I understand that. And also I think, 785 00:55:27.880 --> 00:55:31.679 Lauren, some of our fervor talking about these things is like you don't understand 786 00:55:31.719 --> 00:55:37.480 what you have right now, and speaking from you, oh God, that 787 00:55:37.639 --> 00:55:40.639 is so goddamn true. Holy shit. I remember in the early days of 788 00:55:40.719 --> 00:55:47.480 dealing with my chronic situation. I remember I remember this. I was on 789 00:55:47.800 --> 00:55:52.320 I had just crossed Cress and Heights on Melboo's like that. I remember so 790 00:55:52.440 --> 00:55:54.599 vividly having the thought like, oh, well, when this passes, I'm 791 00:55:54.599 --> 00:55:58.760 gonna feel like so much. Everything's gonna be so much better when this passes. 792 00:55:59.480 --> 00:56:02.280 And I didn't realize that that I'd be sitting here X number of years 793 00:56:02.320 --> 00:56:07.920 later and still managing it every day. And that's like so scary to think 794 00:56:07.920 --> 00:56:10.559 about it. And I so respect that, Like people don't want to think 795 00:56:10.559 --> 00:56:15.079 about it because it's really scary. But I promise you you are strong enough 796 00:56:15.119 --> 00:56:20.239 to engage with that thought and to try to do something about it. Yeah, 797 00:56:20.480 --> 00:56:23.400 And can I segue into so so when I say do something about it, 798 00:56:23.800 --> 00:56:30.599 here's what you can do. Please please please wear a respirator. And 799 00:56:30.639 --> 00:56:35.719 when we say respirator, that means a k N ninety five mask or a 800 00:56:35.800 --> 00:56:39.320 KF ninety four sometimes it's called or the best one is an N ninety five. 801 00:56:39.840 --> 00:56:44.440 Or you can get really fancy and wear the last Someric one. Yeah, 802 00:56:44.559 --> 00:56:49.440 last Americ big ones. Cool. This one's like fancy schmancy. But 803 00:56:49.480 --> 00:56:52.679 you can you can just wear yeah, respirator and ninety five is great. 804 00:56:52.039 --> 00:56:57.800 Please please please mask when you are in places like the grocery store, the 805 00:56:57.840 --> 00:57:02.000 pharmacy, a doctor's office. That's the big one. Please, for the 806 00:57:02.239 --> 00:57:07.719 love of God, wear a respirator when you go to the doctor's office because 807 00:57:07.840 --> 00:57:15.199 people like Leo need to access medical care in a safer way so that so 808 00:57:15.239 --> 00:57:21.159 that they don't get reinfected. So yeah, that's some very simple stuff that 809 00:57:21.280 --> 00:57:25.039 you can do. Also, I know there's the there's also the financial portion 810 00:57:25.119 --> 00:57:29.199 of it for people too that I want to acknowledge, Like, these are 811 00:57:29.199 --> 00:57:32.320 not masks that you have to arrespirators that you have to like wear once and 812 00:57:32.360 --> 00:57:36.320 throw away. In the average respirator No, no, you can use like 813 00:57:36.480 --> 00:57:40.079 forty hours until they're wet or damaged or dirty. An elastic maerk you can 814 00:57:40.119 --> 00:57:44.239 wear like basically and definitely as long as you replace the filters like they're very 815 00:57:44.239 --> 00:57:46.440 cost efficient. Also if you happen to be you know, shameless plug in 816 00:57:46.480 --> 00:57:52.400 the North Hollywood area, I run a group called COVID Coutious Queers, And 817 00:57:52.440 --> 00:57:55.679 the whole point of it is like providing both like event programming, but also 818 00:57:57.000 --> 00:58:00.360 material goods and protect personal protective equipment to people for free. Like if you 819 00:58:00.400 --> 00:58:05.719 need a COVID test, if you need a respirator, I got you finally 820 00:58:05.760 --> 00:58:08.760 on Instagram dm me. I will get it to you like no charge, 821 00:58:08.840 --> 00:58:13.840 like I'm here to help. Like there's and there's also things called mask blocks 822 00:58:13.960 --> 00:58:17.039 in both in LA and Long Beach and all over this country now that will 823 00:58:17.079 --> 00:58:21.480 send you these things for free. So, like the barrier to entry has 824 00:58:21.559 --> 00:58:24.400 truly never been lower, but I think that there's an emotional barrier that you 825 00:58:24.400 --> 00:58:28.280 also have to cross, and I think you can even I would say, 826 00:58:28.320 --> 00:58:31.840 if you're not quite there yet to acknowledge or look at your own self and 827 00:58:31.920 --> 00:58:36.760 like, you know, a relationship to ableism or your own ability or what 828 00:58:36.920 --> 00:58:38.920 have you. I think that's fair. It took me a long time. 829 00:58:38.960 --> 00:58:42.599 I'm still working through a lot of these things, like right now and I'm 830 00:58:42.599 --> 00:58:46.400 like year five almost, And but I would say that, like what you 831 00:58:46.480 --> 00:58:51.199 can do is if you can need to externalize it, like there's cutey patuity 832 00:58:51.280 --> 00:58:54.880 that they're like me and like Lauren and other people and your neighbor, your 833 00:58:55.039 --> 00:58:59.639 best see anyone in your life that you're like, if this person was like 834 00:59:00.119 --> 00:59:04.119 super ill, I would be beside myself. I would be so sad. 835 00:59:04.159 --> 00:59:07.039 I would be so worried for them. And just think about that and be 836 00:59:07.119 --> 00:59:12.039 like, there's one simple trick that the CDC hey that you can do to 837 00:59:12.320 --> 00:59:16.519 not cause that harm. You just put on a respirators. It's super easy, 838 00:59:16.599 --> 00:59:19.880 it's super fast. I know there's that there's a social aspect of it 839 00:59:19.920 --> 00:59:22.679 that can be very scary, but I would just also remind you that, 840 00:59:22.719 --> 00:59:27.960 like if anyone in your circle would truly give you shit about caring about other 841 00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:31.280 people, Like, are they someone who's opinion you you want to live your 842 00:59:31.280 --> 00:59:35.880 life by? They sucking suck dude, I let them go. Let that 843 00:59:35.920 --> 00:59:39.239 shit dangle, like the fucking dingle Berry. They are I let that go, 844 00:59:39.519 --> 00:59:42.880 Like, I know that's hard, and you know, I know there's 845 00:59:42.920 --> 00:59:45.599 a lot more to it. It's very complicated, but I would just say 846 00:59:45.920 --> 00:59:47.280 there's a process to it. And in the same way that I'm hoping people 847 00:59:47.320 --> 00:59:54.119 are becoming more radicalized about things happening politically, the genocide, everything happening like 848 00:59:54.440 --> 00:59:59.800 and it's and I think people think conspiracy has to be like like tinfoil hat 849 01:00:00.079 --> 01:00:07.119 or whatever, but there's no city always Yeah, yes, I think there's 850 01:00:07.119 --> 01:00:10.039 a there's a quote I believe like Ursula cayleb Gwyn and she says, like 851 01:00:10.440 --> 01:00:17.760 real evil is banal the issue. Yes, they've they've sold like you know, 852 01:00:17.800 --> 01:00:22.559 Hollywood, you know my people whatever, we've so they've been sold this 853 01:00:22.679 --> 01:00:27.159 lot that like evil is like one guy in like a hot like leather tracksuit, 854 01:00:27.159 --> 01:00:29.719 who's come, I'm gonna blow up the moon or whatever. And it's 855 01:00:29.760 --> 01:00:36.840 never that evil is what Jeff Bezos. It's like apathy on a satanic level. 856 01:00:36.920 --> 01:00:39.880 It's it's it is I don't care if I don't see it, it's 857 01:00:39.920 --> 01:00:45.400 not my problem, right, it cannot be Those people sleep well at night 858 01:00:45.400 --> 01:00:49.440 because they simply don't care, because they don't have to see any consequences, 859 01:00:49.440 --> 01:00:52.239 and even if they did, I don't think they care anyways, Like that 860 01:00:52.440 --> 01:00:54.920 is evil. Money, the way that movesment this country is evil. A 861 01:00:54.960 --> 01:01:00.360 lot of the politicians that that is evil. What is not, like it's 862 01:01:00.400 --> 01:01:06.239 never going to be like haha, my little mustache, and it's never going 863 01:01:06.280 --> 01:01:08.559 to be that. And I think the minute you stop looking for that and 864 01:01:08.599 --> 01:01:12.400 you begin to see, now who benefits from this, I think you're gonna 865 01:01:12.400 --> 01:01:17.360 see that very plain stakes, low level evil that that harm anywhere. And 866 01:01:17.400 --> 01:01:22.679 it's like the same way that it's mundane for evil to exist, good can 867 01:01:22.800 --> 01:01:28.760 be just as mundane, if not more purposeful. Your good can be in 868 01:01:28.880 --> 01:01:31.719 layers. It can be that respirator. It can be putting your money away 869 01:01:31.760 --> 01:01:37.840 from like a BDS rejected our boycotted company to ones that are good. It 870 01:01:37.880 --> 01:01:42.960 can be reducing usages. It can be amplifying your voice. It can be 871 01:01:43.440 --> 01:01:46.840 these small actors. It can be doing things that are small acts of hope 872 01:01:46.880 --> 01:01:52.199 and faith and love, like having a podcast about calming out and sharing that 873 01:01:52.320 --> 01:01:54.480 store. There are many ways you can be. Of course, you're part 874 01:01:54.519 --> 01:02:00.239 of this hopeful spring revolution. That's all of it is together. They are 875 01:02:00.280 --> 01:02:04.400 all intertangled acts. But you have to be willing to see the threads and 876 01:02:04.440 --> 01:02:07.199 leave them together. It's not enough to just see them blowing in the wind. 877 01:02:07.199 --> 01:02:09.599 You have to purposely reach out, grab them and pull them in. 878 01:02:10.239 --> 01:02:15.000 And except that, you too are a thread to be woven into this like 879 01:02:15.280 --> 01:02:21.800 global tapestry. If you if you refuse that, then you then you feel 880 01:02:21.840 --> 01:02:24.280 alone and driftless. Well, yeah, you're not anchored to reality. You're 881 01:02:24.280 --> 01:02:30.039 not anchored to communal love or care or action. And if you feel alone 882 01:02:30.119 --> 01:02:32.639 in those ways, even in the crowd, I promise you that feeling will 883 01:02:32.639 --> 01:02:37.559 go away when you begin to connect with people who care like this, who 884 01:02:37.639 --> 01:02:40.760 care on a deep level, and who want to love the world, even 885 01:02:42.360 --> 01:02:45.840 or especially when it is hard to do. So that's the work. Wow, 886 01:02:45.960 --> 01:02:51.519 oh my god again, so well said. You are such a writer. 887 01:02:52.480 --> 01:02:55.360 So okay. So part of the reason why I want it toaly on 888 01:02:55.400 --> 01:03:00.400 the podcast is not just because you're incredibly entertaining, and not just so that 889 01:03:00.480 --> 01:03:06.119 we could yell about COVID, but so I it's Pride Month. This. 890 01:03:06.440 --> 01:03:12.440 If there's ever a time to give of yourself to good causes, it is 891 01:03:12.559 --> 01:03:15.400 during this celebratory month. And Leo, do you want it? Can you 892 01:03:15.559 --> 01:03:20.800 plug and talk about how you've been fundraising? And I know that it's so 893 01:03:21.000 --> 01:03:23.920 you were so candid and so funny and your pieces that you wrote about how 894 01:03:23.920 --> 01:03:29.360 hard it is to ask for this kind of help and just referring to yourself 895 01:03:29.360 --> 01:03:32.199 as a sick bitch. I really appreciate it. But yeah, Leo did 896 01:03:32.280 --> 01:03:37.960 reach a point where they had to fundraise because long covid is, among all 897 01:03:37.000 --> 01:03:42.639 the things we've discussed, also a very expensive illness to have. And so 898 01:03:42.960 --> 01:03:46.360 yeah, I'd love for you to talk about your your fundraisers and Folks, 899 01:03:46.360 --> 01:03:52.159 if you're listening and you have any any cash despair, here's how you can 900 01:03:52.199 --> 01:03:55.039 help Leo. And also Leo has some amazing ways that if people don't have 901 01:03:55.119 --> 01:03:59.199 cash, but perhaps have time or skills, that they can help as well. 902 01:03:59.239 --> 01:04:00.719 So I just want to give you the Florida talk about all them. 903 01:04:01.000 --> 01:04:03.760 Yeah, thank you so much for you know, teeing up. I hope 904 01:04:03.800 --> 01:04:11.719 I knock this out of the park. Yes, way you could hear a 905 01:04:11.760 --> 01:04:15.320 little Laura about what these various things are. I love it. Yeah, 906 01:04:15.360 --> 01:04:19.599 So basically, as Lauren was saying, yeah, so long COVID has knocked 907 01:04:19.599 --> 01:04:23.960 me on my ass. I would say about ten billion, eleven d times, 908 01:04:24.360 --> 01:04:29.559 but recently it's been even harder. So I reached a point this year, 909 01:04:29.639 --> 01:04:32.960 like less than a month ago, where I was like trying to work 910 01:04:33.079 --> 01:04:38.639 four jobs to make ends meet. I was making myself sick as a dog, 911 01:04:38.760 --> 01:04:41.480 sick of than ever like, because part of my long COVID two is 912 01:04:42.320 --> 01:04:48.679 I have systemic inflammation and I have viral persistent viral loads. Basically, I 913 01:04:48.760 --> 01:04:55.119 have COVID still replicating in me. I'm not I'm not infectious, but it's 914 01:04:55.159 --> 01:04:59.920 it's staking around and it's causing problems. I one of my really fun one 915 01:05:00.039 --> 01:05:04.519 seventy two symptoms was organ damage and guess what, your brain it's also an 916 01:05:04.599 --> 01:05:08.639 organ. So not just my gallbladder and my liver got damaged, but like 917 01:05:08.719 --> 01:05:14.000 my brain is getting damaged and we're watching that. It's the worry is that 918 01:05:14.039 --> 01:05:16.760 if we don't do something about it, it's starting to head more towards that, 919 01:05:16.920 --> 01:05:23.199 like true degeneration of like all timer dementia of like things are the brains 920 01:05:23.199 --> 01:05:26.440 starch. If my brain's starting to change and trying to not have that happen. 921 01:05:26.920 --> 01:05:31.480 So there are some some of our slightly experimental. Some are less so. 922 01:05:31.840 --> 01:05:35.400 But there are some things that I'm fundraising for that will help me, 923 01:05:36.239 --> 01:05:40.679 you know, keep my brain, which would love to keep it. I 924 01:05:40.719 --> 01:05:45.599 love being something. I love having a personality. I love having words. 925 01:05:45.599 --> 01:05:49.639 I would like to continue speaking them. I would love to be able to 926 01:05:49.679 --> 01:05:55.400 do my job without being and expreciating pain like even which really sucks for me 927 01:05:55.440 --> 01:05:59.400 personally, but like thinking hurts like I can. The top of my school 928 01:05:59.440 --> 01:06:01.719 right now is like hot hot ho like hot potato, It's like warm, 929 01:06:01.760 --> 01:06:06.119 it's like it's painful, you know. And working in Hollywood, there are 930 01:06:06.320 --> 01:06:11.920 lots of things I have to be able to do that either from the brain 931 01:06:12.039 --> 01:06:15.760 damage, organ damage, a bunch of symptoms I either can't do or cannot 932 01:06:15.760 --> 01:06:20.440 afford to do, and or there are things that would help me do my 933 01:06:20.559 --> 01:06:24.119 job and like speak in public, which is what I've not been able to 934 01:06:24.119 --> 01:06:28.679 work in person because I've not been in a room with like proper ppe in 935 01:06:28.880 --> 01:06:32.039 years. That if I had certain tools, I would be able to do 936 01:06:32.039 --> 01:06:38.840 my job more safely and begin to look for less harmful work and not have 937 01:06:39.000 --> 01:06:43.039 to basically ask myself, I'm gonna risk my life for a paycheck every single 938 01:06:43.079 --> 01:06:46.239 time I work a job. So I have a go fund me up raising 939 01:06:46.320 --> 01:06:50.760 funds for several devices that help with like red light therapy and other things that 940 01:06:50.840 --> 01:06:57.039 kind of help, and like medications like anti viral medications, lots of things 941 01:06:57.079 --> 01:07:00.280 to kind of just make my life easier. Uh, make my life, 942 01:07:01.880 --> 01:07:06.280 uh one that I want to stick around for, make my life one where 943 01:07:06.280 --> 01:07:10.480 my brain functions for it and I get to be me for as long as 944 01:07:10.519 --> 01:07:13.199 possible, as long as anyone can you know, really ask for. That's 945 01:07:13.239 --> 01:07:17.159 sort of what I'm fundraising for. And uh yeah, I've it's been a 946 01:07:17.239 --> 01:07:21.440 lovely response so far. I still have a ways to go. There have 947 01:07:21.519 --> 01:07:26.840 been more recent upsets which if you go to my GoFundMe page you get to 948 01:07:26.840 --> 01:07:30.199 read my very silly updates about things going on, Like I think two a 949 01:07:30.199 --> 01:07:32.719 week ago, a week and half ago, I got what's called the stellate 950 01:07:32.800 --> 01:07:36.440 gangling in block, which is a basically a big ass needle in my neck 951 01:07:38.320 --> 01:07:42.519 that like into a nerve cluster. Yeah, super fun, really fun time 952 01:07:42.639 --> 01:07:46.280 that happened. But like you know, it's things that are this kind of 953 01:07:46.360 --> 01:07:53.039 ongoing battle both with like my wallet and the medical system and my body that 954 01:07:53.679 --> 01:07:57.599 you know, doing it as one person is hard, and I might even 955 01:07:57.639 --> 01:08:01.079 say uh and fucking impossible. But with the help of many people who are 956 01:08:01.199 --> 01:08:04.599 caring and kind and so smart and I you know, oh so sexy, 957 01:08:04.639 --> 01:08:10.400 winky winky, you know who want to give me a dollar or you know 958 01:08:10.480 --> 01:08:14.159 some such you know, that's that's been helpful. That's what I'm also I'm 959 01:08:14.199 --> 01:08:16.840 only asking for is like if people have anything, that's awesome. If you 960 01:08:16.880 --> 01:08:20.840 don't have cash to give, I get it. If you can amplify my 961 01:08:20.960 --> 01:08:26.760 fundraiser, that's helpful. And then also especially during Pride Month because yes are 962 01:08:26.840 --> 01:08:30.520 hopefully feeling more generous and looking to give back during those Pride months. Yeah, 963 01:08:30.640 --> 01:08:34.640 yes, give back to me. I would love it. Also, 964 01:08:36.359 --> 01:08:41.199 there are ways without you can help me, if you like, without money, 965 01:08:42.239 --> 01:08:46.199 I could always use like certain assistance with like you know, I mean 966 01:08:46.199 --> 01:08:48.680 you don't come to my house, but like you know, there's there's things 967 01:08:48.680 --> 01:08:51.920 you can do without money. You can help me, like, yeah, 968 01:08:51.960 --> 01:08:55.640 I'll be moving eventually if I would love to not just like you know, 969 01:08:55.680 --> 01:08:59.399 put my body into like stress to do that. There's little little ways you 970 01:08:59.399 --> 01:09:04.239 can help and or not in person, like digitally amplifying or using using you 971 01:09:04.239 --> 01:09:09.279 know, using a skill can helpful. Teaching a skill is awesome. Yeah, 972 01:09:09.359 --> 01:09:14.920 there's a link on my in my Instagram bio and in my go fundme 973 01:09:15.000 --> 01:09:16.680 page. I believe that can show you all the things that are not paid 974 01:09:16.680 --> 01:09:23.199 options ways for helping me. Yeah. You do such a good job of 975 01:09:23.279 --> 01:09:27.640 detailing all of the all of the cool ways that folks can help even if 976 01:09:27.680 --> 01:09:30.600 money is tight, which I so appreciated what I went to those likes. 977 01:09:30.640 --> 01:09:35.399 So it sounds like the best place to follow you and have access to all 978 01:09:35.399 --> 01:09:40.640 these things is Instagram. I think, yes, yes, yes, yeah, 979 01:09:40.680 --> 01:09:45.399 so let's so what is that Instagram? Yes, I will spell it 980 01:09:45.479 --> 01:09:51.399 too, but it's Bougie Bosquiot b o U g I E b A s 981 01:09:51.720 --> 01:09:56.680 q U I A t F in the artist that that's the full name on 982 01:09:56.760 --> 01:10:00.039 I G. That's where I talk about my fun me links. In there, 983 01:10:00.760 --> 01:10:04.279 I talk about a lot of COVID in my stories and just like my 984 01:10:04.399 --> 01:10:08.520 state of health and public health in general. There. I have a couple 985 01:10:08.600 --> 01:10:13.399 other places you can find me on TikTok because I made this before I knew 986 01:10:13.680 --> 01:10:20.399 the names for republic, It's trams Naruto, t r A nf NA r 987 01:10:20.680 --> 01:10:25.199 ut O did not know people could see it. That's my little boomer moment. 988 01:10:26.000 --> 01:10:30.479 But yeah, I had started making videos recently talking about public health and 989 01:10:30.520 --> 01:10:34.880 other issues. I'll be making more content coming up soon now that I recently 990 01:10:35.279 --> 01:10:40.119 let go of two of my jobs because they were making my brain swell, 991 01:10:40.279 --> 01:10:42.840 and so that I got to get out of here. So now I'm just 992 01:10:42.840 --> 01:10:46.000 on my two job diet. But so I have more time to make videos 993 01:10:46.279 --> 01:10:49.319 and talk to all of y'all. So if you have questions about anything I 994 01:10:49.359 --> 01:10:54.720 said here or I don't know anything, you can ask me there. I 995 01:10:54.760 --> 01:10:56.960 can't promise to give you a good answer, but I'll give you a funny 996 01:10:57.000 --> 01:11:00.399 one. So come come follow me, come talk to me. Yes, 997 01:11:00.479 --> 01:11:01.680 yes, yes, say it goes for me. As I've said before, 998 01:11:01.760 --> 01:11:09.319 if you do have questions about anything pertaining to COVID et cetera, you can 999 01:11:09.600 --> 01:11:12.520 you can hit me up, you can hit Leo up because we understand that 1000 01:11:12.520 --> 01:11:16.520 that information is not readily accessible, which is by design as we've talked about. 1001 01:11:16.960 --> 01:11:21.560 But yeah, so please use us as a resource. And if you 1002 01:11:21.600 --> 01:11:28.000 take anything it all away from this episode. Please please please wear a respirator 1003 01:11:28.079 --> 01:11:33.279 when you are in public spaces. Like supermarket, pharmacy, especially doctors' offices. 1004 01:11:33.319 --> 01:11:38.880 But yeah, any any place that people need to go. I'd say 1005 01:11:38.920 --> 01:11:42.399 that's kind of like the bar, that's like the bare minimum. Please please, 1006 01:11:42.399 --> 01:11:48.520 please please do that to make please Yeah, that's that's that's our smallest 1007 01:11:48.600 --> 01:11:53.680 ask, just to make those places more accessible for folks who have to go 1008 01:11:53.720 --> 01:11:57.399 there. Yes, I also wanted to just remind people. I run a 1009 01:11:57.439 --> 01:12:00.640 group called COVID Costious Queeris. You can find us by that same name on 1010 01:12:00.680 --> 01:12:05.600 Instagram as well. I and my co founder basically run events in the North 1011 01:12:05.640 --> 01:12:11.319 Hollywood area and LA at large. You know, we're spreading out but providing 1012 01:12:12.279 --> 01:12:15.600 events where people who are COVID cautious can go safely. They're all masks required, 1013 01:12:16.239 --> 01:12:20.359 they're fun. We've done like planned id walks. We've done like picnic 1014 01:12:20.439 --> 01:12:25.640 picnics in the park. We've done a like skate like a night sort of 1015 01:12:25.640 --> 01:12:30.680 situation. We've done clothing swaps. Last weekend we did a fundraiser for Palestine. 1016 01:12:30.720 --> 01:12:34.439 We raise like one thousand dollars and donated to a family trying to evacuate. 1017 01:12:34.560 --> 01:12:36.640 Like, we do a lot of fun stuff. Find us there. 1018 01:12:38.079 --> 01:12:41.920 I also run a discord server with the same people in it, so you 1019 01:12:41.960 --> 01:12:45.800 can still meet people virtually even if you can't make it to an event. 1020 01:12:45.880 --> 01:12:47.359 So like, if you go to that Instagram page, is all the links 1021 01:12:47.399 --> 01:12:51.640 you need to kind of get access either to future events or to the discord 1022 01:12:51.640 --> 01:12:58.640 server you go off them either about COVID stuff. And then also Lauren I 1023 01:12:59.239 --> 01:13:04.880 and our mutual friend Alyssa piperis okay pod texted me and was like, say 1024 01:13:04.920 --> 01:13:08.399 it on air, so we have to do it, And I was like, 1025 01:13:08.640 --> 01:13:11.840 I can't be upon. I'm not gonna make force you into doing it, 1026 01:13:11.880 --> 01:13:15.600 but you're bringing it out silent force us to do it. Absolutely. 1027 01:13:15.880 --> 01:13:20.399 So we are working on a podcast called Your Forgotten Friends, which is I 1028 01:13:20.399 --> 01:13:24.760 wish Listen was here to summarize it better than me, because I'm clearly shit 1029 01:13:24.840 --> 01:13:28.720 at doing anything shortly. But it's basically going to be about the lives of 1030 01:13:28.840 --> 01:13:30.880 COVID cautious people who have been, in one way or another, forced to 1031 01:13:30.960 --> 01:13:36.479 disappear from our old social worlds and forge new community bonds, both platonic and 1032 01:13:36.600 --> 01:13:42.399 romantic. It's going to be talking about relationships, navigating date dating, and 1033 01:13:42.560 --> 01:13:46.359 my personal hobby matchmaking. So if you're someone who's like I'm covid safe and 1034 01:13:46.399 --> 01:13:50.039 I've not been able to like find anyone, and I'm like year four of 1035 01:13:50.159 --> 01:13:54.199 being alone and I'm sick of this shit. Like we've all been there. 1036 01:13:54.560 --> 01:13:59.279 I'm like, say less, call me at the hotline once it's up I 1037 01:13:59.319 --> 01:14:02.479 and we're going to begin literally like setting people up. Like we're gonna be 1038 01:14:02.520 --> 01:14:05.439 in like, you know, giving people a section at the end of a 1039 01:14:05.479 --> 01:14:09.800 peg board to like, you know, if you give us a five star 1040 01:14:09.880 --> 01:14:12.960 review, we'll read out your little bio that you give us, and we're 1041 01:14:12.960 --> 01:14:17.439 gonna be like this this hot ca Yeah, like calm, get your gay 1042 01:14:17.520 --> 01:14:21.920 lovers here, like calm, get wife up, booed up, everything up. 1043 01:14:23.279 --> 01:14:26.119 It will be there, So keep an eye on that. If you 1044 01:14:26.199 --> 01:14:28.720 follow me on Instagram, you'll be the first to hear about that when it 1045 01:14:28.760 --> 01:14:32.680 comes out. But yeah, that's sort of my last bit of shameless plugging. 1046 01:14:33.359 --> 01:14:38.680 Oh my god, I follow covid costs Queer as obviously, and I 1047 01:14:38.720 --> 01:14:43.600 didn't know that you were. Wow, that's stir struck. Yeah I didn't 1048 01:14:43.600 --> 01:14:46.159 know, but that's okay, that's so great. And so as you all 1049 01:14:46.199 --> 01:14:49.640 know, I am at Lauren Flans on Twitter. I'm Lauren Underscore Flans on 1050 01:14:49.680 --> 01:14:54.920 Instagram. The podcast is at coming Out pod everywhere. If you've never given 1051 01:14:55.000 --> 01:14:58.840 five stars or reviewed, hey why not do that? That would be fun. 1052 01:14:58.880 --> 01:15:01.880 But you get it. Thank you to my patrons who are still patrons. 1053 01:15:02.239 --> 01:15:05.159 But also, as I've said, while I'm on this hiatus, please 1054 01:15:05.159 --> 01:15:10.560 feel free to cancel your patronage because if I'm not putting out regular episodes, 1055 01:15:10.840 --> 01:15:15.079 you shouldn't have to be given me money every month. I think that's kind 1056 01:15:15.079 --> 01:15:19.960 of it. For the wrap up, I am rusty on doing it because 1057 01:15:20.319 --> 01:15:24.479 it's been a while, but I feel like we hit all the all the 1058 01:15:24.520 --> 01:15:30.520 tent poles. Leo, this was so fucking fun. You are a goddamn 1059 01:15:30.560 --> 01:15:33.439 delight. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, and 1060 01:15:33.560 --> 01:15:39.399 y'all have a great last few days of Pride Month. Remember every month this 1061 01:15:39.520 --> 01:15:43.079 Pride Month. If you have rainbows in your heart, that was just off 1062 01:15:43.119 --> 01:15:47.399 the dome. I love it. No, no, We're going to be 1063 01:15:47.560 --> 01:15:54.680 putting it on our bodies and tattoos everywhere, and as always, you know, 1064 01:15:54.800 --> 01:15:57.560 watch the Instagram and Twitter, et cetera. I will always let you 1065 01:15:57.680 --> 01:16:00.760 know when I when I have new episodes come the gap, but for now, 1066 01:16:01.560 --> 01:16:05.399 stay clear. Alright, B.