1 00:00:02,520 --> 00:00:06,400 If you didn't listen to the last three episodes, go listen and start the 2 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:10,640 story from the beginning. We left off last time with me being shamed and 3 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:14,880 ostracized by my sorority sisters, and now I'm on my way to go move 4 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:30,160 into the chapter house. Snapped. I move into the sorority house, and 5 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,719 on the first day, I were just partying. I'm excited to see you, 6 00:00:33,759 --> 00:00:37,679 the friends that I do have, and I just binge strengthening to distract 7 00:00:37,719 --> 00:00:41,280 myself and the fact that I'm living with all these people that make me really 8 00:00:41,359 --> 00:00:46,880 uncomfortable. Usually I am a very bubbly person. I sing a lot, 9 00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:52,240 I smile a lot, and I was no longer singing or genuinely smiling. 10 00:00:52,679 --> 00:00:56,960 No one was mean to me, don't get me wrong, But the only 11 00:00:57,039 --> 00:00:59,880 questions I would really be asked would be like, are you going to have 12 00:01:00,039 --> 00:01:03,280 happy hour? Are you going out? What are you wearing? Can I 13 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:07,359 borrow this? Can you send me the notes from class? I was placed 14 00:01:07,519 --> 00:01:11,439 into a quad. A quad is a room with three other girls, so 15 00:01:11,599 --> 00:01:15,079 foreign total, and two of the girls I wasn't friends with at all before 16 00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:19,000 this. Living in a quad in general was awful for my mental health. 17 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:25,159 I have ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder. A sensory overload was off the chart. 18 00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:29,159 The anxiety was at an all time high. From the beginning, things 19 00:01:29,159 --> 00:01:34,719 were not looking great. I talked to some fellow sisters about what happened over 20 00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:38,760 the summer, the whole email incident, and they always said it was fucked 21 00:01:38,879 --> 00:01:42,719 up. Some were even passionate about how fucked up they thought it was. 22 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:47,920 But the most common response that I would get was it wasn't even that bad. 23 00:01:48,159 --> 00:01:51,799 And then they would pull up a picture of an older girl posting a 24 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:55,719 picture where they show more skin and show it to me. In response, 25 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,879 I would say, yeah, but it doesn't even matter, you know, 26 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,920 like even if I was naked, it's my body. One day, I'm 27 00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:07,199 hanging out with four of my sisters at one of their apartments and we're discussing 28 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:13,360 the whole incident that happened over the summer, and one of my friends is 29 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:15,960 like, Lucy, like, I want to tell you something, but we 30 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,919 all have to promise to not bring it up, and so we promise, 31 00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,639 and she told me that her g big So, someone who is part of 32 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:29,840 the older girl group chat, told her that my pledge mom had screenshotted and 33 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:34,800 sent all her messages with me to the older girl group chat, and apparently 34 00:02:34,919 --> 00:02:38,000 they shamed me further, saying things like why does she want to keep it 35 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:44,479 up so badly? And apparently they also made a collage of my pledge classes 36 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:49,360 but picks I, of course in see these text messages. So I don't 37 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:52,759 know if that's one hundred percent fact. But what I do know is one 38 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:55,360 hundred percent fact, is that I was told that that happened, and so 39 00:02:55,400 --> 00:03:00,680 of course that increased my anxiety even more. What I was telling myself to 40 00:03:00,719 --> 00:03:04,120 get through this over the summer was like, I'm going to make a presentation. 41 00:03:04,319 --> 00:03:07,840 I'm about slut shaming, and I really want to give it a chapter, 42 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:10,639 and you know, maybe this is my role in the sorority, maybe 43 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:15,199 this is why I'm here. Did start making that presentation at the end of 44 00:03:15,199 --> 00:03:17,759 the summer, but when I found that out, I gave up. I 45 00:03:17,879 --> 00:03:23,680 realized that I wasn't comfortable to change things from the inside because I officially felt 46 00:03:23,719 --> 00:03:28,520 like an outsider. And meanwhile, in our sorority Facebook page, they're still 47 00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:31,479 telling us to cover up for tonight's social theme, but this time they clarify 48 00:03:31,599 --> 00:03:36,919 that this is not directed at anyone. In particular, when frat guys continued 49 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,240 to put me and my sisters on a pedestal for being in a top sorority, 50 00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:45,960 I no longer felt validated. I felt annoyed. Everyone looking the same, 51 00:03:46,479 --> 00:03:52,479 dressing the exact same, literally wearing the same sorority merch or whatever gave 52 00:03:52,479 --> 00:03:55,599 me legitimate anxiety and like, where whatever you want, you know, but 53 00:03:55,759 --> 00:04:00,879 it felt like there was no toleration or acceptance for difference. Looking around the 54 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:09,400 room, the only people of color I would see would be one sorority sister, 55 00:04:10,479 --> 00:04:15,360 the chef, and people on the cleaning crew. One night at chapter, 56 00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:19,040 we're sitting in the chapter room. It's our basement. Everything's pink, 57 00:04:19,079 --> 00:04:21,959 pink, pinks. The older girls are the ones that are allowed to sit 58 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:26,240 on the couches. The young girls helped to sit on the floor. And 59 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:30,639 I remember I'm sitting on the floor and there is just so much chatter of 60 00:04:30,759 --> 00:04:33,279 stuff that I felt like I could no longer relate to or care about, 61 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:36,959 you know, just like sorority chatter. Who's gonna go with? Who to 62 00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:42,399 dated? And did you hear that Kappa mapa pizza is going on? So 63 00:04:42,519 --> 00:04:46,439 much I just remember the room getting really blurry and feeling like I might have 64 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,800 a panic attack. And I left chapter, which is something that you're not 65 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:54,319 really supposed to do, and I went up to my room and cried. 66 00:04:54,399 --> 00:04:57,120 This was the first time I could cry alone because I was living in the 67 00:04:57,199 --> 00:05:01,519 quad. There were numerous days where I'd come home from class ready to cry 68 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:08,439 in the comfort of my own room, but my roommates and two other sorority 69 00:05:08,439 --> 00:05:12,120 sisters who don't live in the house are getting ready for happy hour, or 70 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,600 maybe there's already one of my sisters blacked out in my bed. At night, 71 00:05:15,639 --> 00:05:18,720 when I'm tearing up and sniffling in my bed, you know, crying 72 00:05:18,759 --> 00:05:23,720 myself to sleep, I would worry that I was bothering my three roommates, 73 00:05:24,040 --> 00:05:27,279 so I'd go down to the living room and sleep there. The automatic lights 74 00:05:27,319 --> 00:05:31,160 wouldn't turn off, but at least I wasn't bothering my sorority sisters. And 75 00:05:31,199 --> 00:05:36,839 there were many girls in my pledge class who I genuinely enjoyed as people, 76 00:05:38,079 --> 00:05:42,040 and girls who weren't in my pledge class. But I now felt like there 77 00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:46,720 was this barrier somehow between us, like we were in the same world, 78 00:05:46,839 --> 00:05:53,439 but seeing different things. My rose colored glasses just got smashed and there's just 79 00:05:53,600 --> 00:05:58,199 got cleaned. It felt like if I said anything remotely against Greek life, 80 00:05:58,639 --> 00:06:01,720 people would jump to defend it. I remember once at the dinner table, 81 00:06:01,759 --> 00:06:04,519 I said something like, oh, like, I wish we could wear what 82 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:09,560 we wanted to socials like instead of having a theme. Then this girl was 83 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:13,079 like, that's what the bars are for. Another time, I was talking 84 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,079 about how I heard that this frat was drugg and girls at front of their 85 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:19,639 parties, and a girl popped her head out and was like, oh, 86 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:23,439 no, I know those guys. They would never do anything like that. 87 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:28,360 Disaffiliating didn't even feel like an option for me. The only time I had 88 00:06:28,399 --> 00:06:31,319 heard of anyone leaving sorority worlds was when they were kicked out, and I 89 00:06:31,319 --> 00:06:34,439 would think to myself, like, I'm out a quitter. I'm usually really 90 00:06:34,439 --> 00:06:40,000 good at making friends, and it felt like me disaffiliating would be like me 91 00:06:40,279 --> 00:06:45,079 quitting. Though at this point I would like to issue a trigger warning, 92 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:54,279 I will be talking about rape. The night started with the social. It's 93 00:06:54,319 --> 00:06:58,720 with our brother frat, the one that we love so much. We put 94 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,519 them on a pestal. They love us, we love them. We soak 95 00:07:00,639 --> 00:07:05,879 up each other's coolness and work together. And after social comes the post game. 96 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:11,759 And so this post game came potential pledges for the frat. So this 97 00:07:11,879 --> 00:07:15,079 means that they were not yet in the fraternity, but they were on their 98 00:07:15,319 --> 00:07:18,560 way to be members. They just first had to prove themselves. There was 99 00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:24,279 this one guy, we'll call him Derek. We immediately were just drawn in 100 00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:30,360 together and I think he's cute and we're talking, we're dancing, I'm taking 101 00:07:30,439 --> 00:07:33,560 hits from his jewel and when he finds out that I'm in the sorority I'm 102 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:40,319 in, He's ecstatic. He loves because I'm top tier and I'm in the 103 00:07:40,319 --> 00:07:45,759 sorority that this frat is so close with start making out. We're both pretty 104 00:07:45,839 --> 00:07:47,959 drunk. Man, I agreed to go back to his place. While we're 105 00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:51,800 walking back to his place, I tell him, hey, like, I 106 00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:57,360 don't want to have sex. Like I'm down to cuddle and like make out 107 00:07:57,399 --> 00:08:01,040 and stuff, but I don't want to have sex. About a week before 108 00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:05,319 this, I was called a slut by a guy that I hooked up with. 109 00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:11,920 The reason why he did this was because he asked my good friend what 110 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:16,839 I said about the hookup, and she didn't tell him. She was like, 111 00:08:16,879 --> 00:08:20,879 I don't think she'd want me talking about that. And I guess he 112 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:24,120 thought that that meant I said something bad, and so he goes, oh, 113 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:30,000 well, she's a slut anyway. And I personally realized that having sex 114 00:08:30,399 --> 00:08:33,720 or having sex the first time that you hook up with someone does not make 115 00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:37,399 you a slut. And that's just the fucking patriarchy whispering in our ears. 116 00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:41,360 But I realized that these guys, they weren't respecting me, and I only 117 00:08:41,399 --> 00:08:46,279 wanted to have sex with people now who I knew respected me as a human, 118 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:50,679 you know, at least enough to not call me a slut afterwards. 119 00:08:50,159 --> 00:08:52,120 So I tell him this and he was like, yeah, yeah, no 120 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:56,799 problem. And we go back to his place and it's a good time. 121 00:08:56,919 --> 00:09:01,360 We make out, do a little bit of other stuff, nothing too crazy, 122 00:09:01,399 --> 00:09:03,879 you know, we don't have sex, and we end up falling asleep 123 00:09:03,360 --> 00:09:07,440 naked. The next morning, we wake up and he's like, WHOA, 124 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,919 Like, I blacked out last night. Fill me in what happened. And 125 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:16,320 so I tell him what happened and he's like, did we have sex? 126 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,840 And I'm like, no, recently, I've decided that I don't want to 127 00:09:18,879 --> 00:09:24,679 have sexist guys until I know that they respect me. And the last time 128 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,720 I did, I felt bad about it. And he's like, oh, 129 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,799 okay, cool. You know, he doesn't question it. And we're just 130 00:09:28,840 --> 00:09:33,159 laying there naked, and we start making out, just chill, and while 131 00:09:33,159 --> 00:09:39,080 we're making out, he gets on top of me and he puts his dick 132 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:43,200 inside me without a condom, and he starts reaping me and I'm staring at 133 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:48,679 the ceiling and I'm like, what are you doing? And he keeps going 134 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,320 and I say no, and he's like, just a few more minutes, 135 00:09:54,919 --> 00:09:58,720 and I say no again, and then he stops. He then gets up 136 00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:07,720 and goes to take a shower. We're interacting like nothing just happened. He 137 00:10:07,879 --> 00:10:11,159 was still very excited that I was in the sorority that I was in, 138 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:16,480 And while he's in the shower, I'm laying on his bed staring at the 139 00:10:16,519 --> 00:10:20,559 stealing. But he ended up driving me home and he just kept talking about 140 00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:24,639 how like it was so cool that I was in the sorority that I was 141 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:28,240 in, and how much he hoped he was going to get a bid to 142 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,039 that frat and he ended up asking for my number. I put my number 143 00:10:31,039 --> 00:10:35,080 in his phone and I left the car and went back to the sorority house. 144 00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,720 My roommates asked if I had sex with him, and I said no 145 00:10:39,919 --> 00:10:43,799 because it didn't feel like I had sex with him. A few days later, 146 00:10:43,879 --> 00:10:46,320 I see Derek at a happy hour. At this point, he's gotten 147 00:10:46,399 --> 00:10:50,399 a bid, saw me talking to guys who were in the frat, and 148 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,639 so I guess he saw that I had lout within that frat, and so 149 00:10:54,799 --> 00:11:00,120 he's all over me, calling me pretty, saying how cool he thinks I 150 00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:03,679 am. He's like, do you want to go back to my place? 151 00:11:03,919 --> 00:11:07,240 Bloody daddy dah, And I'm like, yeah, I'm down, but only 152 00:11:07,279 --> 00:11:09,720 if it's like a date, like if we can talk, Like I don't 153 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:11,679 want to just be hooking up. I want to talk and get to know 154 00:11:11,759 --> 00:11:15,080 you. I was in the mindset of just like if I can have a 155 00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:16,799 guy to like be friends with and just like hook up with there, like 156 00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:20,759 maybe I'll be less lonely. And also, my friends were hooking up with 157 00:11:20,799 --> 00:11:24,559 guys in this frat and I wasn't, and I thought maybe this could be 158 00:11:24,639 --> 00:11:28,600 my way to feel normal. So I'm like okay, like yeah, if 159 00:11:28,639 --> 00:11:31,039 we can just if it could just be a date, like if we can 160 00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,039 talk at the table and just hang out, and he's like, yeah, 161 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:37,440 yeah, yeah totally. And we end up going back to his place, 162 00:11:37,639 --> 00:11:43,080 and while we're at his place where sitting on the couch, I keep trying 163 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:48,759 to make conversation while he keeps pouring me drinks and making out with me. 164 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,840 I wasn't making out back for a while, and I'd like push him away 165 00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:56,159 and start a conversation. Then he would just keep leaning in and making out 166 00:11:56,159 --> 00:11:58,279 with me. And at this point, I felt like it was easier to 167 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:03,519 make out with him than to keep resisting. Thank god that at some point 168 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:07,639 during this he had to go get hazed by his frat and I leave with 169 00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:11,159 him. And I'm really glad that he had to leave, because I don't 170 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:15,639 know what would have happened if he didn't leave. And I don't know I 171 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:18,039 wasn't leaving. I don't know why I wasn't leaving, but I just wasn't. 172 00:12:18,799 --> 00:12:24,200 I didn't process at all what happened before that was rape. I I 173 00:12:24,240 --> 00:12:26,120 just felt like I didn't have sex with him, and I don't know. 174 00:12:26,159 --> 00:12:30,320 I guess I just felt like he tried but we didn't. I don't know 175 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:33,240 what I was thinking, but I did not think that it was rape. 176 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:37,720 And the next time I saw him, it was at a pregame for a 177 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:41,840 tailgate. I was probably like ten am. We were all dressed up in 178 00:12:41,879 --> 00:12:48,320 our sports attire, repping the school, and we're all drinking and one of 179 00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,519 my friends, who also got a bid for the frat, a guy friend, 180 00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:54,919 told me, oh, I heard you had sex with Derek, and 181 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:58,519 I was like, what, No. I didn't like he put his dick 182 00:12:58,559 --> 00:13:03,879 inside me, but I didn't want to have sex. Immediately after he told 183 00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:07,840 me that, I went all around the room to try and find Derek, 184 00:13:07,879 --> 00:13:11,320 and eventually I found him and I brought him outside of the frat house and 185 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,120 I was like, what the fuck, why are you telling people that we 186 00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:16,720 had sex? Like we didn't have sex. I didn't even want your dick 187 00:13:16,759 --> 00:13:20,159 to go inside of me. And he was like, I'm sorry, I'm 188 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:24,960 sorry, like I know, and he's like I was probably blacked out, 189 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:30,840 like I don't remember saying that, like I'm sorry, Please don't tell anyone 190 00:13:31,039 --> 00:13:35,679 in your sorority that this happened. And these words make me break down. 191 00:13:35,879 --> 00:13:41,720 I start crying and I'm like, you should be upset that I didn't want 192 00:13:41,759 --> 00:13:45,879 your dick inside of me, and not that I might tell my sorority. 193 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,960 And I storm inside and I end up telling some of the girls in my 194 00:13:50,039 --> 00:13:54,000 sorority about the conversation that I just had, and they're like, that's so 195 00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:58,039 fucked up, Like that's awful. I'm so sorry. No one says anything 196 00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:01,879 like that's right, You're like, really makes it a huge issue. And 197 00:14:01,919 --> 00:14:05,720 I end up telling these girls that I'm walking back to the house with because 198 00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:09,399 I think one of them had to get something before the tailgate, and they're 199 00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,159 like, oh, that sucks, Like something similar happened to me too. 200 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:18,159 It's like it's shitty because you don't know if it's rape, but like it's 201 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,320 not, but like it seems like it might be, but it's not. 202 00:14:20,879 --> 00:14:26,399 And just so we're clear, because it seems that like a lot of people 203 00:14:26,440 --> 00:14:30,600 are confused, including myself at the time. But the definition of rape is 204 00:14:31,399 --> 00:14:35,799 unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or 205 00:14:35,879 --> 00:14:41,879 mouth or another person with or without force by a sex organ, other body 206 00:14:41,919 --> 00:14:46,600 part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim. I was 207 00:14:46,639 --> 00:14:50,600 living in an environment where rape rape culture. It was not talked about at 208 00:14:50,639 --> 00:14:54,200 all, not a chapter meetings, not amongst conversation with friends, and in 209 00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:58,200 my head, I didn't feel like I could say it was rape because it 210 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:03,240 was just Tree did so normally. I ended up just staying at the sorority 211 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,960 house and not going to the tailgate, and I cried in bed for hours. 212 00:15:07,559 --> 00:15:09,919 While I didn't think that it was rape at the time, I did 213 00:15:11,039 --> 00:15:15,480 know that this was another abuse of power. First over the summer, now 214 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:22,600 whatever this was, and I already tried to fight, so the only thing 215 00:15:22,679 --> 00:15:26,679 left to do is flight the fuck out of year. I think that it 216 00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:31,799 was at this moment that I've realized I had to disaffiliate. I can't be 217 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:37,480 on the other side of rush where I'm recruiting underclassmen telling them the sorty is 218 00:15:37,519 --> 00:15:41,120 the best thing that's ever happened to me, such a support system, blah 219 00:15:41,159 --> 00:15:43,840 blah blah blah blah. I couldn't lie during to someone's face like that, 220 00:15:43,879 --> 00:15:50,080 and I had to stop lying to myself. Yes, I'm scared that my 221 00:15:50,159 --> 00:15:52,919 friends and the sorority will be disappointed with me, and I know that I'm 222 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:58,519 letting my big down and I'm scared I won't even have any friends after all 223 00:15:58,519 --> 00:16:03,240 of this, because right now this is my community. But deep down I 224 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:08,320 knew that staying was harder than leaving, and so without anyone in the sorority's 225 00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:14,480 knowledge and intense search to move out, mid semester began like I wanted to. 226 00:16:14,559 --> 00:16:17,279 I knew I was going to disaffiliate now, but and I wanted to 227 00:16:17,279 --> 00:16:21,000 do it as soon as possible, but it was heading towards the middle of 228 00:16:21,039 --> 00:16:25,480 the semester. So as of now, I wasn't finding anything for immediate move 229 00:16:25,559 --> 00:16:29,399 in, and I couldn't even consider disaffiliating till I had a space to live. 230 00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,000 That would be so awkward being disaffiliated and still living in the house. 231 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:37,000 And I want to very clearly note that this is privilege. To be able 232 00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:41,720 to move to a new place mid semester and have my parents support me through 233 00:16:41,759 --> 00:16:44,120 it. I mean, to be living in the sorority house in the first 234 00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:48,360 place was privilege. The rent was extremely overpriced, and so were the dues. 235 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:51,399 With the sorority in general, there was still a high risk that the 236 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,440 sorority would make me pay for everything, or to make my parents pay for 237 00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:00,080 everything, and so to be able to move out anyway was a huge privilege, 238 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,480 and I'm very grateful that I was able to even consider this. And 239 00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:08,160 I also have to now start thinking about how I was going to disaffiliate, 240 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,759 Like, am I going to send my pledge class an awkward message in our 241 00:17:11,799 --> 00:17:15,880 group shot? Everything I'm drafting in my notes just feels weird because I don't 242 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:18,680 want to offend anyone, and I honestly don't know how to explain it. 243 00:17:18,759 --> 00:17:23,359 I still am not saying out loud that I was raped. I remember I 244 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,960 would stay to my best friends from home. I would say, like, 245 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:32,319 I'm living in rape culture, but I still didn't feel like I could say 246 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:37,160 I was raped. Meanwhile, keep in mind that my Instagram still looked perfect 247 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,160 that day of the pregame for the tailgate. I took a great pick that 248 00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:44,359 day and posted it on Instagram. Don't drive byde it. It's deleted, 249 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:48,440 and all my sorority sisters are still commenting on my picks and I'm still getting 250 00:17:48,519 --> 00:17:53,599 so many likes. So from the outside world, it seems like I'm living 251 00:17:55,200 --> 00:18:00,480 the college experience, and in a dark way, I kind of am. 252 00:18:00,519 --> 00:18:07,359 At least for a woman. My sex drive is very low for a while 253 00:18:07,559 --> 00:18:11,960 now, so was my energy. I barely wanted to go out, and 254 00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:15,480 I didn't have the desire to put makeup on and get out of bed. 255 00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:19,240 And being surrounded by perfect sorority girls who looked perfect all the time with a 256 00:18:19,240 --> 00:18:22,319 full face of makeup and made their bed after a night out and then went 257 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:26,680 to the gym and we're best friends with all the guys in the top frat 258 00:18:26,799 --> 00:18:30,279 definitely fucked with my self esteem. I was also becoming more and more distant 259 00:18:30,519 --> 00:18:34,079 from my little squad and the sorority, you know, like my little group 260 00:18:34,119 --> 00:18:37,079 of friends within it. As I kind of mentioned before, I felt like 261 00:18:37,119 --> 00:18:41,519 we were on two totally different pages when it came to our views on Greek 262 00:18:41,559 --> 00:18:48,759 life. Like they were constantly saying I'm peeking, I'm peeking, and I 263 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,799 was very clearly not peaking. One time, I was complaining about living in 264 00:18:52,839 --> 00:18:56,519 the house to one of my sorority sisters, and she told me that I 265 00:18:56,559 --> 00:19:00,920 wasn't trying hard enough and that it hurt her when I said negative things about 266 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:06,759 the sorority because it was something that was so important to her. This was 267 00:19:06,799 --> 00:19:11,640 really hard for me to hear, because for so long I was really trying 268 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:15,240 to make this work, and I feel like I'm a burden, Like I 269 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:22,160 feel like I'm the depressed friend that brings the mood down. And this caused 270 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,880 me to isolate myself even more. It felt like the patriarchy was looking at 271 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:30,759 me wherever I went, Like usually I'll shave my legs sometimes and leave them 272 00:19:30,799 --> 00:19:36,079 hairy other times, but not in this house. I was literally uncomfortable to 273 00:19:36,119 --> 00:19:40,200 have hairy legs. Well, when I say yes to going to the bar 274 00:19:40,319 --> 00:19:45,119 with my sorority sisters because I wanted to feel normal again. I have my 275 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:51,799 spray tin, my roommate straightens my hair, I put on my low cut 276 00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:56,920 black dress. My boobs are popping out and the best way possible, and 277 00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:02,559 I binge drink my way through the night. I was determined to hook up 278 00:20:02,559 --> 00:20:07,039 with someone. My roommates are consistently hooking up with guys, and I haven't 279 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:11,519 really been much at all, and so I want to hook up with a 280 00:20:11,759 --> 00:20:18,759 guy, even though I don't have a sex drive. I see Derek at 281 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:22,920 the bar. He nods and I glared at him a little and look away. 282 00:20:23,039 --> 00:20:26,319 I get another drink and start texting old guys, and I've hooked up 283 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:30,680 with one of them is free, and I meet him at his house. 284 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:36,400 At this point, I'm wasted and I go to his house and I keep 285 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:37,960 saying, I don't want to hook up. I don't want to hook up. 286 00:20:38,039 --> 00:20:41,279 Let's just talk. And he was getting pissed at me because I mean, 287 00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,839 he probably, I mean, he definitely assumed that I was coming over 288 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:48,680 to hook up. And I was assumed too that I was going over to 289 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,559 hook up, but my wasted self was telling me, no, Lucy, 290 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:57,359 you actually don't want to hook up. I don't really remember all of that 291 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,759 night, to be honest, but we didn't have sex. And in the 292 00:21:00,839 --> 00:21:06,599 morning, I'm laying on his chest and he pushes my head down the suck 293 00:21:06,759 --> 00:21:11,440 is dick, and I do because I I feel bad that I didn't have 294 00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,400 sex with him last night. And I went back to the sorority house bawling 295 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:21,680 my eyes out because I felt so used and pressured. Just don't fucking push 296 00:21:21,759 --> 00:21:23,799 my head down to give your head like I'll give you blowjob if I want 297 00:21:23,799 --> 00:21:27,000 to give you a blowjob. The fuck. I remember my roommates asking me 298 00:21:27,039 --> 00:21:30,640 if I was okay, and I was like no, and I told him 299 00:21:30,799 --> 00:21:33,559 like that I felt used by him. And they were just like, oh, 300 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,680 guys are fucked up, like guys suck. But it was never like 301 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:38,799 what the fuck, what do these what these guys do is wrong. It 302 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,359 was pretty much saying boys will be boys, and I don't blame them, 303 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:47,920 I blame society for engraving that into our heads. At this point, I 304 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,920 am looking everywhere for a room in a dorm, like an extra room, 305 00:21:52,079 --> 00:21:56,440 or to move into a house or anything. I would have done anything to 306 00:21:56,599 --> 00:22:00,799 leave. And on a lucky day, I see a post on Facebook saying 307 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:04,279 that this group of girls is living in a house and they need someone to 308 00:22:04,319 --> 00:22:07,079 move in a step, and so I fucking hop on that post. I 309 00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:11,480 message the girl ask her when I could come see the house. She says 310 00:22:11,599 --> 00:22:17,240 right now. I say, okay, I tell my roommate I'm going just 311 00:22:17,319 --> 00:22:22,079 for a walk, and I sneak off to my house viewing. I see 312 00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:26,440 the house and immediately I'm like, I need to move here. The girls 313 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,519 were so friendly, and none of them weren't sororities, which I really like. 314 00:22:30,079 --> 00:22:33,480 I didn't tell them what happened, but I told them that I was 315 00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:36,160 in a sorority and like I needed to get the fuck out, and like 316 00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,720 it would, I would really really appreciate it if I could move in, 317 00:22:38,839 --> 00:22:41,759 like if they would pick me. And that night they told me they would 318 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:48,319 and I could move in on Wednesday, which was just three days from today. 319 00:22:48,480 --> 00:22:52,240 My chest lost its tightness the second they told me that I was able 320 00:22:52,279 --> 00:22:56,039 to move in. Now I just had three days to tell my roommates, 321 00:22:56,359 --> 00:23:02,480 tell my big tell my friends, and pack up my stuff and leave this 322 00:23:02,599 --> 00:23:07,599 house. The day before moving I had an intake appointment for therapy, and 323 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:11,480 I went to the appointment and I filled out one of those questionnaire things that 324 00:23:11,519 --> 00:23:14,640 you do at the beginning of therapy so that they get an idea of your 325 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:21,440 past, and one of the questions was something along the lines of have you 326 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:25,880 ever been sexually assaulted? Before? I said yes. And then when I 327 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:30,200 was an intake session, already bawling my eyes out just because I was such 328 00:23:30,279 --> 00:23:33,799 I was a mask, the therapist asked me what happened, like why did 329 00:23:33,799 --> 00:23:37,640 I circle yes? And I told her exactly what happened, and she told 330 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:42,960 me that's rape, like that's considered rape. I was. I was distraught. 331 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:47,519 I mean, that was the first time anyone had ever validated me, 332 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:49,359 and that was the first time it ever clicked in my head, like, 333 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:53,400 oh shit, you're right, that is rape. And I left that office 334 00:23:53,599 --> 00:24:00,079 and I collapsed on the ground outside of the building and I ugly cried on 335 00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:06,480 the stairs for about fifteen minutes. My roommate from freshman year, he was 336 00:24:06,519 --> 00:24:10,279 really supportive with me through all of this. We were getting lunch after that, 337 00:24:10,519 --> 00:24:11,960 and I was just like, what the fuck is life? You know, 338 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:17,079 you're just after after a huge cry and then your eyes are all nasty, 339 00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,440 ugly, puffy, and you just look heinous. But it's kind of 340 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,839 funny. It's kind of funny, like after you cry so much and then 341 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,480 you're just you just kind of need to laugh a little bit, you know, 342 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,920 Like we're kind of in that mood. We're sitting in the cafeteria place 343 00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:34,880 and we look up and we see Department of Sorority and Fraternity Life, and 344 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:38,480 we're like, hmm. She's like, do you want to go in and 345 00:24:38,759 --> 00:24:42,839 just see see what we can see what we can do, and our literal 346 00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:52,160 kinesthetic responses walk us into the Department of Fraternity and Sorority Life and I'm very 347 00:24:52,279 --> 00:24:56,559 vague about what happened, but I kind of I end up telling the head 348 00:24:56,720 --> 00:25:00,640 or some person high up about what happened over the summer and about what happened 349 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:06,240 with Derek, And I didn't give names or anything, but I just vaguely 350 00:25:06,279 --> 00:25:08,960 said what happened. And she referred me to a place on campus where you 351 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:14,319 talk about being sexually assaulted or being like harmed in any way and you can 352 00:25:14,400 --> 00:25:18,119 go there for resources. And her response was pretty much like, oh, 353 00:25:18,119 --> 00:25:22,319 like that, that's awful. Greek life is so tricky because so many good 354 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,119 people in it, and you just need to wean the bad ones out. 355 00:25:25,319 --> 00:25:26,839 And I'm like, true, true, But in my head, I'm like, 356 00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:32,519 Greek life is what gives the quote bad ones a platform, It's what 357 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:36,240 enables them, and it's just not possible to wean the bad ones out. 358 00:25:36,319 --> 00:25:40,000 Like what are you going to do every time after they rape ten girls they 359 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,759 like you take them out? Then, like after the harm is done, 360 00:25:41,799 --> 00:25:47,039 Like what is that going to do? The saying is one bad apple spoils 361 00:25:47,079 --> 00:25:51,200 the whole bunch. If the system is giving that one apple power and a 362 00:25:51,279 --> 00:25:55,640 platform, the harm has already been done. And the same thing goes for 363 00:25:55,720 --> 00:26:00,599 the police. To be clear, I wasn't here to report anything. I 364 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,880 didn't want to report anything in fear of getting back to me and getting in 365 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,599 trouble. I kind of just wanted, we just wanted to go in and 366 00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:12,240 see what options are. Rape is hard enough to talk about as it is, 367 00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:15,799 that when you're a rapist is in a fraternity, it as a whole 368 00:26:15,839 --> 00:26:22,240 nother layer because you're not just reporting them, you're reporting like basically their chapter, 369 00:26:22,599 --> 00:26:26,640 like it's their chapter. Will then at a reputation as well, and 370 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,279 you're you don't want to ruin the relationship that your sorority has with that fraternity. 371 00:26:30,759 --> 00:26:37,000 So even when you're raped, you're not just representing yourself, You're representing 372 00:26:37,039 --> 00:26:44,119 the entire chapter. After this, I meet up with one of my sorority 373 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:48,839 sisters who I was very close with, and she picked me up in her 374 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:53,839 car and we drove around and I told her what I had realized today in 375 00:26:53,880 --> 00:27:00,559 my intake session. She was immediately very very concerned and told me we need 376 00:27:00,599 --> 00:27:06,920 to go and speak to the president of that fraternity and make sure that this 377 00:27:07,200 --> 00:27:11,559 pledge does not get initiated. The frat was already on SOMO, I believe, 378 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:18,440 which means that they weren't allowed to have social events because I guess they 379 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,359 were already in trouble for something I don't know what they were in trouble for. 380 00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:25,200 So with one more strike, if the school found out that, I 381 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,759 don't know, there was a rapist in the fraternity, which there definitely are 382 00:27:27,759 --> 00:27:30,400 other rapists in that fraternity, but you know, if the school found this 383 00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:33,960 out, then they could be kicked off campus. I don't know if that's 384 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:37,640 actually how it works, but that was my friend's logic at the time. 385 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:41,359 My friend was saying, like, they the frat needs to know this, 386 00:27:41,759 --> 00:27:45,559 and I mean, I agree that the frat needed to know it. I 387 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:49,279 wasn't comfortable with this guy to, you know, keep being in that position 388 00:27:49,319 --> 00:27:56,079 of power. So we drove to the fraternity house and the president came outside. 389 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,720 My friend had already texted him telling him that we want to talk to 390 00:27:59,799 --> 00:28:03,319 him. She was pretty close with the fraternity. And just in case it's 391 00:28:03,359 --> 00:28:07,519 not clear, I want to make it clear that we were going to now 392 00:28:07,599 --> 00:28:11,680 put this in the hands of twenty year old frat boy who's probably hungover. 393 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:17,640 And he comes in the car in the backseat and I turn around and I 394 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:23,400 tell him one of your pledges and I say his name raped me, and 395 00:28:23,519 --> 00:28:29,880 just in general, like your fraternity really needs to know more about consent, 396 00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:34,079 Like these guys are not using condoms, like they're making me feel bad for 397 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:37,920 using condoms, Like they're just I don't know. I just kind of went 398 00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:41,640 off a bit about my frustration. He immediately started texting, and I told 399 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,400 him, put your phone down. I don't want this one. I don't 400 00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:51,119 want my name to be with this, like, please keep this anonymous and 401 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:56,200 too, like I want this to go about in a respectful way, you 402 00:28:56,240 --> 00:29:02,000 know, like your fraternity needs to have a serious conversation about consent and sexual 403 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:04,240 assault. And he's like totally, totally blah blah blah, and then he 404 00:29:04,279 --> 00:29:08,400 goes inside and that's the end of the conversation. I'm very anxious because you 405 00:29:08,440 --> 00:29:12,079 know, it's it's in his hands to figure out what to do. And 406 00:29:12,119 --> 00:29:15,799 of course I want this guy to be kicked out, but I also don't 407 00:29:15,839 --> 00:29:21,440 want this to be more drama for me, Like I'm already so unwell and 408 00:29:21,599 --> 00:29:26,200 I can't handle it. So now I go back to the sorority house and 409 00:29:26,359 --> 00:29:32,319 I have to tell my roommates that I am moving out and disaffiliating. So 410 00:29:32,359 --> 00:29:36,119 I ask my roommates if we could like sit on the floor and talk. 411 00:29:36,319 --> 00:29:40,400 Once we sit, I immediately start crying. I tell them I can't, 412 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,440 you know, be in the sorority anymore. I pretty much blame it on 413 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:49,200 my mental health. And they were nice and empathetic, and they also seemed 414 00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:56,319 a bit excited for their now extra bed and closet space. The biggest response 415 00:29:56,359 --> 00:30:02,079 that I got from anyone who I told that I was disappel was Greek life 416 00:30:02,119 --> 00:30:06,599 isn't for everyone. And this made me feel like it was me, Like 417 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:10,200 it was my fault, you know, like why couldn't I conform? What 418 00:30:10,359 --> 00:30:12,720 was wrong with me? Even in the comments of this podcast, I had 419 00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:17,759 people saying Greek life isn't for everyone. But my question for you right now 420 00:30:17,839 --> 00:30:23,640 is this, who is Greek life for? After that, I go and 421 00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:29,680 talk with my big you know, the person who you get matched with as 422 00:30:29,759 --> 00:30:32,119 kind of like your big sister. You know. When I told her that 423 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:36,880 I was moving out and disaffiliating, I almost had a panic attack because it 424 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:41,799 really feels like you're letting them down. I felt like I was doing something 425 00:30:41,880 --> 00:30:45,200 wrong. I felt like I had to almost apologize to her. I definitely 426 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:51,319 left that conversation feeling really guilty for my last night in the sorority house. 427 00:30:51,359 --> 00:30:56,039 I didn't sleep in the sorority house. I slept at my freshman year roommate's 428 00:30:56,119 --> 00:31:00,000 house because I couldn't spend one more night in that house. I just couldn't. 429 00:31:00,799 --> 00:31:07,559 I wake up, and it's moving day, Move bus. I also 430 00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:11,799 have a mid term today. I was supposed to study last night, but 431 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,880 I didn't because I was anxious. So I emailed my teacher and tell her, 432 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,599 Yeah, this is not going to happen, but I will provide you 433 00:31:19,799 --> 00:31:23,039 a note as soon as I get it, because I was going to go 434 00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:30,160 to the place on campus that helps survivors of any type of abuse assault and 435 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:33,279 I heard that they can give you a note if you miss a class or 436 00:31:33,319 --> 00:31:36,880 a test or something, and so I was gonna do that. I also 437 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:41,720 have a text from my friend, the one that I had met the president 438 00:31:41,759 --> 00:31:45,880 of the frat with, and she told me that Derek got kicked out of 439 00:31:45,920 --> 00:31:49,559 the fraternity and was no longer a pledge. For about like ten minutes, 440 00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:56,599 I was really really upset and felt bad because he just got kicked out of 441 00:31:56,640 --> 00:32:00,400 his fraternity. And I'm like, shit, that's my fault. And I 442 00:32:00,799 --> 00:32:06,200 say to my freshman year roommate, like I went to his house after he 443 00:32:06,319 --> 00:32:08,960 raped me, you know, like I was I don't know, like I 444 00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:14,000 feel like I was wrong. I was having like mine distortions, like did 445 00:32:14,039 --> 00:32:16,039 he even rape me? Like I went back to his house, and she 446 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:21,119 reassured me it doesn't matter if he went back to his house. You know, 447 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:25,519 what happened was rape, And that reassurance snapped me back together and being 448 00:32:25,559 --> 00:32:29,519 like, you know what, You're right, it was rape and he should 449 00:32:29,599 --> 00:32:34,319 not be in this fraternity, especially this top tier fraternity where he has this 450 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:38,799 power. And later on I was actually told how he got kicked out, 451 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:43,960 And I want to make clear that I was not here for this. This 452 00:32:44,039 --> 00:32:46,839 is just what I was told, and so this is not one hundred percent 453 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:51,839 of fact. This is what I was told. I was told that the 454 00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,839 frat got every single guy in their frat. I guess they called an emergency 455 00:32:55,960 --> 00:33:00,200 meeting and brought Derek. I don't know if it was to the center of 456 00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:01,200 the room, in the front of the room. I don't know. I 457 00:33:01,279 --> 00:33:07,759 wasn't there, but I was told that they went brother by brother roasting him 458 00:33:07,799 --> 00:33:10,680 saying things like what the fuck are you thinking? Get the fuck out, 459 00:33:10,759 --> 00:33:15,960 like you're never allowed in this fraternity again, You're not allowed to go to 460 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:19,880 any parties. Blah blah blah. The name of the sorority are our best 461 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:22,759 friends. That's our closest sorority. Like, how fucking dare you? And 462 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:30,240 mind you that, statistically other guys in that fraternity have also raped someone and 463 00:33:30,279 --> 00:33:32,920 they're all here pointing fingers and what Just because I'm in a top tier that 464 00:33:34,039 --> 00:33:37,240 your frat is really close with, that's why it should matter. I can 465 00:33:37,279 --> 00:33:40,200 imagine that this would have gone down a lot differently if I was in a 466 00:33:40,279 --> 00:33:45,200 lower tier. And even how it did go down was awful. I mean, 467 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,680 it was not at all a dressing or helping the situation at hand. 468 00:33:49,039 --> 00:33:52,920 And obviously what I thought he did was wrong. But did I feel like 469 00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:58,079 those guys yelling barbarically at him would help him or me? No? And 470 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:01,400 in fact, they made it worse. I was also told that my identity 471 00:34:01,759 --> 00:34:06,400 was not kept very private. I don't know exactly how many guys in the 472 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:09,159 fraternity knew it was me. I wouldn't be surprised though, if they all 473 00:34:09,239 --> 00:34:13,800 did, But again I was not there. This is not a fact. 474 00:34:14,559 --> 00:34:20,119 So I go back to the sorority house to pack up my stuff. I'm 475 00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:28,880 very, very shaky and unstable during this time, but I'm scurrying packing my 476 00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:32,599 stuff, throwing shit in boxes, not folding my clothes, like I am 477 00:34:32,639 --> 00:34:38,320 trying to get out of there as slick as possible. There was one girl 478 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:44,360 in the sorority who was part of exec that was very supportive of me, 479 00:34:44,840 --> 00:34:49,760 and on this moving day I told her what happened. She was one of 480 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,199 the only people in the sorority that I felt comfortable to tell what happened too, 481 00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:57,519 because she was very passionate about how wrong she thought the slut shamming was 482 00:34:57,599 --> 00:35:00,880 over the summer, and so I felt like I could trust her like that 483 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:02,599 we have the same views and stuff. You know, I didn't just have 484 00:35:02,679 --> 00:35:07,119 to blame it on my mental health. But the overall sorority didn't even know 485 00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:12,920 that I was moving out or disaffiliating. I remember while I was packing up 486 00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,639 my stuff, the room was of course a mess, and this one girl 487 00:35:15,679 --> 00:35:17,880 in the sorority comes in. It is like, oh, like what's going 488 00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:22,280 on? What are you doing? And it was so awkward, like we 489 00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:25,920 were like, oh, going on a trip. I did feel the need 490 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:30,519 to tell the president of the sorority that I was moving out, So I 491 00:35:30,559 --> 00:35:37,280 went upstairs and I told her not details because I wasn't comfortable, and she 492 00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:40,119 gives me the generic Greek life is and for everyone, and she wishes me 493 00:35:40,159 --> 00:35:43,880 the best. And I remember, before I walked out at the door, 494 00:35:44,159 --> 00:35:46,880 I tell her, please make sure that what happened to me over the summer 495 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:52,000 doesn't happen to anyone ever again, and she nods, and I walk out. 496 00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:58,480 My three friends that I have who are not in the sorority comes and 497 00:35:58,599 --> 00:36:02,639 helps me move all the boxes from the house into one of their cars to 498 00:36:02,639 --> 00:36:07,400 help me move into my new house. As I'm putting stuff in the car, 499 00:36:07,719 --> 00:36:14,800 I'm literally literally tip toeing through the hallway and this stairs so no one 500 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:17,679 sees me moving out, Like I'm not trying to have any confrontations, any 501 00:36:17,719 --> 00:36:23,639 conversations. I'm just trying to get the fuck out of here. I plot 502 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:29,639 myself in my friend's car. Everything is packed, I said too loude to 503 00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:32,920 my roommates, and I officially know that I never had to go into that 504 00:36:34,119 --> 00:36:38,599 house that was never a home ever again. A weight was lifted from my 505 00:36:38,679 --> 00:36:44,000 heart. We were blasting freedom by George Michael in the car. I was 506 00:36:44,039 --> 00:36:45,400 the best seven minute car ride of my life. The only thing they would 507 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:49,280 have made it better if I was naked, just with my hands up. 508 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:52,519 It was like a convertible and just like giving my middle finger to the house. 509 00:36:53,440 --> 00:36:58,199 But I did still have anxiety about the fact that I still had to 510 00:36:58,320 --> 00:37:02,239 officially disaffiliate, well everyone I was disaffiliating, figure out what I want to 511 00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:07,199 do about Derek, and just overall deal with the aftermath of this, because, 512 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:15,599 let me tell you, there is an Askermath Snapped. Thank you so 513 00:37:15,679 --> 00:37:20,760 much for listening to this episode. It was a tough one for sure, 514 00:37:21,119 --> 00:37:24,960 but a very important one. To show your support for Snapped, please rate, 515 00:37:25,239 --> 00:37:31,239 review, and subscribe on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Snapped as an independent 516 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:36,800 podcast. So to spread the word, I need all of you to be 517 00:37:37,039 --> 00:37:40,519 sending this in group chats, posting it out on your Instagram story, and 518 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:46,199 bringing it up in conversation because let's talk about it. Yeah, let's fucking 519 00:37:46,320 --> 00:37:52,360 talk about it. Thank you so much again, And I know that this 520 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:57,039 episode might hit home for a lot of people, and so I encourage you 521 00:37:57,199 --> 00:38:01,480 to take care of yourself and we'll talk next episode. As the story continues