WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.559 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.599 --> 00:00:13.199 Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app, Doctor Doctor Ginny the News, 3 00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:26.480 I Gotta's loving you. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on 4 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:30.760 k I AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I 5 00:00:30.800 --> 00:00:36.039 am now going to my social media because I love to answer your questions on 6 00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:39.679 relationships. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but 7 00:00:39.679 --> 00:00:43.719 I've written three books on relationships, and I like to say I did the 8 00:00:44.000 --> 00:00:48.000 work. I'm a survivor of eighteen years of therapy on and off over the 9 00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:53.479 course of twenty eight years, and I have a lot of wisdom. I'm 10 00:00:53.479 --> 00:00:55.880 a woman of a certain age and I've got some wisdom for you. So 11 00:00:56.000 --> 00:01:00.719 let's go and look at the dms. Remember I will always keep your identity 12 00:01:00.840 --> 00:01:04.920 anonymous. You can DM me on any of my social media platforms. The 13 00:01:06.040 --> 00:01:10.519 handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, Hi, Doctor Wendy says this 14 00:01:10.680 --> 00:01:15.640 listener. I just started seeing my ex of five years again. So that 15 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:19.840 doesn't mean you were together five years. You were broke up five years ago. 16 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:23.159 I'm guessing we were broken up for a year and a half. Oh 17 00:01:23.239 --> 00:01:25.640 no, so they were together for five years, then you were broken up 18 00:01:25.680 --> 00:01:27.760 for year and a half. Got it While we were broken up. I 19 00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:33.239 was by curious, it's fair, So on one drunken night on vacation, 20 00:01:33.760 --> 00:01:38.680 I ended up having a three way with a couple who are somewhat in our 21 00:01:38.879 --> 00:01:42.359 friend group. I see them maybe every couple months. All three of us 22 00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:47.640 knows it was purely physical because the girl was also by curious, and yes, 23 00:01:47.719 --> 00:01:49.959 I did things with the guy too. I'm wondering if I should tell 24 00:01:51.040 --> 00:01:55.519 my boyfriend because he knows them, and I feel weird about keeping him in 25 00:01:55.560 --> 00:02:00.040 the dark. But another part tells me that it would give him unnecessary anxiety 26 00:02:00.680 --> 00:02:05.799 about it, because to me, it was completely just an experimental thing of 27 00:02:05.840 --> 00:02:10.439 the past. Well, this is an interesting conundrum, and this is an 28 00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:15.439 excellent question. I want to start by talking about the bi curious thing. 29 00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:19.159 First of all, if you believe the work of Kinsey and some of the 30 00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:22.800 more recent work of evolutionary psychologists, they would say that we are all kind 31 00:02:22.840 --> 00:02:25.680 of wired to be bisexual. Calm down, you, people who are homophobic 32 00:02:25.680 --> 00:02:30.400 and freaking out. Kinsey was one of the first sex researchers to look at 33 00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:35.159 not only people's behavior, but they're fantasies because he did his work in the 34 00:02:35.199 --> 00:02:39.000 nineteen forties, fifties, sixties, and he asked people you know, about 35 00:02:39.080 --> 00:02:44.439 their sexual behavior, what they did with who frequency, but he also asked 36 00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:47.039 them what they fantasized about. And he found he had a scale one to 37 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:53.280 six right Kinsey scale, one being one hundred percent heterosexual in behavior and fantasy 38 00:02:53.319 --> 00:02:58.479 and one being one hundred percent homosexual in behavior and fantasy, and he found 39 00:02:58.479 --> 00:03:00.360 that most humans are actually out of three folks. So there you go. 40 00:03:00.400 --> 00:03:04.400 It's a big, long scale and a gray area. Not that you may 41 00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:08.039 act on it, but you may have fantasy material. There's nothing wrong with 42 00:03:08.240 --> 00:03:15.000 being curious now, whether it's a couple or an individual. When you enter 43 00:03:15.319 --> 00:03:20.759 a relationship, if you are socializing with somebody that you've had sex with before, 44 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:25.000 you might feel this urge to be completely come clean and be intimate. 45 00:03:25.840 --> 00:03:30.240 My answer is for you to assess what it would mean to you a current 46 00:03:30.280 --> 00:03:37.439 relationship, because your real struggle is I want to have one hundred percent authenticity 47 00:03:37.479 --> 00:03:44.919 and honesty about everything in my relationship, but you also want to not hurt 48 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:50.080 your partner or give them unnecessary anxiety. Now, the other piece is you 49 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:53.360 have two potential loose cannons out there, the other people who may talk. 50 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:59.400 They may have another drunken night and mention something. It's not fair to swear 51 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:02.080 them to seek receive because their experience is their experience and they own it, 52 00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:09.560 and everybody owns their own experience. My feeling is this, if it doesn't 53 00:04:09.639 --> 00:04:14.560 come up and there's no reason to bring it up, there's no reason to 54 00:04:14.599 --> 00:04:19.160 tell every single detail of your sexual background, especially because you're telling them to 55 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:25.839 a heterosexual man. Now, there's research to show that men are more squeamish 56 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:30.879 about hearing about female's sexual history than we are women about hearing about a man's 57 00:04:30.920 --> 00:04:35.720 sexual history. That is also evolutionary programmed into us. It's not just about 58 00:04:35.720 --> 00:04:41.680 the sexual double standard. It is the fact that in our anthropological past, 59 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:45.920 if men risked hooking up with a woman who liked to share her eggs with 60 00:04:45.959 --> 00:04:48.839 the team, then he might have ended up raising another guy's eggs. So 61 00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:56.240 therefore he's sort of naturally not gonna want to hear about even you know, 62 00:04:56.319 --> 00:04:59.319 as open minded as my fiance is he doesn't want to hear. He doesn't 63 00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:03.639 want to hear, So my personal advice is to not bring it up unless 64 00:05:03.680 --> 00:05:09.120 you find it's necessary. Unless it's being brought up. If you start, 65 00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:13.560 you know, socializing with this couple more often, if they start flirting with 66 00:05:13.639 --> 00:05:16.279 you, if they make an allusion to what happened, you're going to have 67 00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:20.759 to come clean. If you and your partner might be having a conversation someday 68 00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:27.000 about past sexual experiences and he's sharing things with about him, okay, then 69 00:05:27.079 --> 00:05:29.959 it makes sense. But to bring it up for no reason, just to 70 00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:32.560 cause anxiety in him. I don't think you need to. Don't think you 71 00:05:32.639 --> 00:05:35.839 need to. If you guys disagree with me, please send me a DM 72 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:41.439 because I know you know that I'm always about open, honest and authenticity, 73 00:05:42.040 --> 00:05:45.279 But this time I disagree. You disagree, you should tell him. I 74 00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:47.959 think that there's nothing more embarrassing than being in a couple with somebody and then 75 00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:51.600 you're on the outside of an inside, an insider that everybody's aware of except 76 00:05:51.600 --> 00:05:55.000 for yourself. They're not close, she said, they might see them only 77 00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:57.600 every couple. They're in the same friend group, so they will see each 78 00:05:57.600 --> 00:06:00.439 other and then this man knows that he's lept with my girl, and I 79 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:01.240 have no idea. I just want to know, you know, I just 80 00:06:01.240 --> 00:06:04.560 want to be aware, so there's no inside ki ki or like you know, 81 00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:08.920 behind my back. I don't like that. I also want to wait 82 00:06:08.959 --> 00:06:12.439 till their relationship becomes more solid, because she said she just started sex for 83 00:06:12.560 --> 00:06:15.800 acts of five years. Why don't we wait till they grow some intimacy. 84 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:18.360 Then you had me around this man and you didn't tell me till two years 85 00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:21.319 after that you had sex with him because you wanted to wait to feel more 86 00:06:21.319 --> 00:06:25.720 secure. Now, I don't trust you. That's how That's just how I 87 00:06:25.959 --> 00:06:28.519 operate. I don't know if I'm right, but that's just how I feel. 88 00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:31.240 I'm gonna say, pick your time, okay, yes, but pick 89 00:06:31.279 --> 00:06:34.720 your time fair. That's fair. I think that's fair. All right? 90 00:06:34.759 --> 00:06:38.439 That was That was a prickly one, wasn't it. There's lots of opinions 91 00:06:38.480 --> 00:06:40.920 on that. Okay, here's another one. Hey, doctor, Wendy, 92 00:06:40.920 --> 00:06:45.279 have you been through a situation where you miss a guy the person who had 93 00:06:45.279 --> 00:06:46.920 a situationship with Oh, you're making big assumption that I had a lot of 94 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:51.600 situationships Okay, I did, but we didn't call them situationships. Then we 95 00:06:51.759 --> 00:06:57.399 just called them friends with benefits, or we call them hookups, we call 96 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:01.120 them booty calls. Actually in my day anyway, that you miss him so 97 00:07:01.240 --> 00:07:05.680 much that when he's back in the picture, you feel nothing but anger and 98 00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:12.399 resentment when you speak to him. Am I crazy? This is a weird 99 00:07:12.480 --> 00:07:15.279 thing. Okay, my darling. Here's what I want to say to you. 100 00:07:16.079 --> 00:07:19.800 I want you to call a therapist, especially a therapist who specializes in 101 00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:29.120 attachment, because it sounds to me like your attachment style maybe on the anxious 102 00:07:29.160 --> 00:07:34.519 side. And I have had that exact situation happened to me before that, 103 00:07:34.720 --> 00:07:39.399 even though it was a hook up, a booty call, a situationship of 104 00:07:39.399 --> 00:07:44.519 friends with benefit, I became kind of attached. And then when they didn't 105 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:49.959 reciprocate or they didn't provide the emotional intimacy that I craved, I was angry 106 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:55.959 and I was often passive aggressive with them, even you know, when I 107 00:07:56.000 --> 00:08:00.439 was in a sexual relationship, doing weird game, playing weird games with them, 108 00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:07.959 because I was actually unaware of how angry I was that the relationship wasn't 109 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:13.399 meeting all of my needs and it was only through therapy that I learned that 110 00:08:13.600 --> 00:08:20.079 my reaction was related to my own attachment style. And I will say that 111 00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:24.560 it is very, very common for women to not be able to adapt to 112 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:31.839 a hookup culture or situationships because women's biology is unique and women are often their 113 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:35.720 bodies get attached through hormones and oxytocin, and it's very difficult for them to 114 00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:41.639 have just a part time, one foot in relationship. So please reach out 115 00:08:41.639 --> 00:08:45.080 to a therapist because I want you to work through this the way I did. 116 00:08:45.720 --> 00:08:46.840 All Right, when we come back, I got more from your social 117 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:50.440 media if you'd like to send for my social media. If you'd like to 118 00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:54.159 send me a DM, the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. You're listening 119 00:08:54.159 --> 00:09:01.799 to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Shoot I Stay, 120 00:09:01.799 --> 00:09:28.919 I'll shoot dot cow shoot Stay, Trouble, trouble so decisions you don't want 121 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:33.879 me send me Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. I'm K five 122 00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:39.200 a M six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I'm continuing to answer 123 00:09:39.279 --> 00:09:43.559 your relationship questions that you can send to me in a d M. I 124 00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:48.279 think producer Kayla's checking Instagram right now. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. 125 00:09:50.200 --> 00:09:52.360 All right, hi doctor Wendy. If you're going on a first date 126 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:56.879 with someone, do you let the guy come pick you up? All right? 127 00:09:56.000 --> 00:10:00.320 First of all, let's define her first date. Things have changed changed, 128 00:10:00.399 --> 00:10:03.840 right, Let's assume that you've met online, where most people meet these 129 00:10:03.960 --> 00:10:09.480 days. The first date shouldn't be a date. It should be a twenty 130 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:13.519 minute coffee thirty minute max little coffee and you're basically going to say, hey, 131 00:10:13.559 --> 00:10:16.320 I'm going to be in you're part of town. Tuesday at four you 132 00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:18.919 want to say hello for a quick coffee with me or whatever. Keep it 133 00:10:20.000 --> 00:10:26.039 light after that, then you decide whether you're going to have a first date 134 00:10:26.360 --> 00:10:31.759 or not. My feeling is that on a very first coffee date, nobody 135 00:10:31.759 --> 00:10:35.519 should be picking up anybody. But after you've met somebody, if you listen 136 00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:39.639 to your stomach, if you feel safe, you might allow someone to pick 137 00:10:39.679 --> 00:10:45.399 you up. In general, I prefer at the very beginning that women have 138 00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:50.440 their own transportation, their own money, so that they can make a quick 139 00:10:50.519 --> 00:10:56.000 exit if they need to. Okay, driving around in strangers cars is never 140 00:10:56.039 --> 00:11:00.799 a good idea. All right, So I'm totally cool with that. After 141 00:11:00.840 --> 00:11:03.879 you're comfortable, after you've seen each other for a few dates, why not, 142 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:09.399 you know, just let them be chivalrous. Maybe you're gonna have traditional 143 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:11.960 gender roles in your relationship, so establish them. That's what I say. 144 00:11:13.960 --> 00:11:18.519 Okay, dear doctor Wendy, would you bother messaging someone again if he never 145 00:11:18.679 --> 00:11:24.039 responded? Usually I don't because I don't care or I'm not interested enough if 146 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:31.559 the conversation dies. Most conversations bore me because guys just want to ask how 147 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:35.480 is your day? But this guy and I had some banter going back and 148 00:11:35.519 --> 00:11:37.879 forth. We'd only been texting for one full day. Well, I'm glad 149 00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:41.120 you gave me all that context. So it's not like you sent one message 150 00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:45.440 and he never responded. You texted for a day and there was some back 151 00:11:45.480 --> 00:11:52.120 and forth. Now he hasn't responded. Wait wait, wait, wait, 152 00:11:52.919 --> 00:11:58.519 wait and see. Now, if you had told me you sent him one 153 00:11:58.519 --> 00:12:01.960 message he never responded, don't send him a second. But you did have 154 00:12:01.960 --> 00:12:05.360 some back and forth. You know, he got he's engaged with you in 155 00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:09.519 the text realm. Now he's got to get to the point of where'd she 156 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:11.080 go? Where'd that one go, oh, that's interesting. He's got to 157 00:12:11.120 --> 00:12:16.039 miss you. So wait now, if three days go by and you have 158 00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:20.200 not heard from him, you can send one more text that just says, 159 00:12:20.200 --> 00:12:22.799 hey, wondering if you received my last text. If he doesn't respond to 160 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:26.519 that, ghost him, move along, swipe away. That's it. We're 161 00:12:26.559 --> 00:12:30.200 done. Okay, there are plenty more fish in the sea. Don't be 162 00:12:30.320 --> 00:12:33.240 chasing boys that way. That's what your grandmother said. That's what I say 163 00:12:33.279 --> 00:12:39.679 too, all right, Dear doctor Wendy. I had planned a date night 164 00:12:39.799 --> 00:12:41.919 with my boyfriend of five months. We got all the women with their insecurity 165 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:48.879 tonight. Boyfriend of five months he just texted me saying that his friends reached 166 00:12:48.919 --> 00:12:56.639 out and he's doing a boy's night only tonight. He canceled our date two 167 00:12:56.759 --> 00:13:00.840 hours before he was supposed to pick me up. Look boys night. But 168 00:13:00.919 --> 00:13:05.720 changing plans so last minute and ditching me for the boys seems very off putting. 169 00:13:07.320 --> 00:13:09.600 Am I wrong to feel weird about this? Like I'm not a priority? 170 00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:16.320 You are not wrong. Let me just say that I don't care what 171 00:13:16.440 --> 00:13:20.559 gender what you're canceling for. I don't care what gender person he's seeing. 172 00:13:22.159 --> 00:13:26.799 I don't care what important thing it is the only thing he's allowed to cancel 173 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:31.960 on you for two hours before, is that he's going to the hospital, 174 00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:35.600 of which you should run after him and take care of him. Or his 175 00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:39.080 mother's going to the hospital, or his very best friend is going to the 176 00:13:39.120 --> 00:13:45.679 hospital, or a really important work thing like he can't get out of in 177 00:13:45.679 --> 00:13:48.519 his boss. He's gonna lose his job if the boss that's it. This 178 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:52.519 Hey, I think I'm going to go out with the boys instead doesn't fly. 179 00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:56.360 So here's what you need to do now, is you need to again 180 00:13:56.480 --> 00:14:01.840 not in text, Please you guys, stop texting important intimate things. You 181 00:14:01.919 --> 00:14:05.480 got to get on the phone, maybe not now, maybe after the boys' 182 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:09.039 night, and you got to say to him, Hey, canceling on me 183 00:14:09.240 --> 00:14:13.360 two hours before really hurt my feelings. It made me feel unimportant in this 184 00:14:13.480 --> 00:14:18.279 relationship. I think we need to establish some kind of rules that feel comfortable 185 00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:24.240 to both of us for this kind of thing. Listen, there's that word 186 00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:30.039 that starts with B and ends with itches. Itches get commitments. And so 187 00:14:30.120 --> 00:14:33.480 if you can't set up your boundary at the very beginning, you are giving 188 00:14:33.600 --> 00:14:41.080 him permission to keep canceling on you forever and ever and ever and treating you 189 00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:43.320 bad. So you've got to establish it at the beginning. And five months 190 00:14:43.519 --> 00:14:46.080 you've been together five months, that's when it starts to get, you know, 191 00:14:46.159 --> 00:14:50.440 out of the cocoon and little loosey goosey, So you need to pull 192 00:14:50.559 --> 00:14:54.679 him back in, set up some boundaries. Dig in your heels, girl, 193 00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:58.399 you have got this all right. When we come back, I want 194 00:14:58.399 --> 00:15:03.360 to talk about marriage or long term committed love, maybe live together, maybe 195 00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:07.519 just been together a long time. Do you think your relationship could survive an 196 00:15:07.559 --> 00:15:13.720 affair? Well, apparently there's new research. I'll talk about it if you're 197 00:15:13.759 --> 00:15:18.399 listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. No doubt 198 00:15:18.440 --> 00:15:24.279 about it. Monogamy is tough, It takes work. Human beings have sexual 199 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:31.440 urges. We love variety, we love novelty and monogamy. While the attachment 200 00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:35.120 and the bond in a long term monogamous relationship, whether you're married, living 201 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:39.919 together, or just in a committed relationship, is paramount and important. Sometimes 202 00:15:41.000 --> 00:15:46.399 people let their relationship slide into boredom and before they know it, somebody might 203 00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:54.039 have an affair. Maybe somebody in your relationship stepped out on their partner. 204 00:15:54.240 --> 00:16:00.639 You know, there's new thinking on whether a relationship can survive infidelity. In 205 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:06.679 fact, new research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. It 206 00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:12.039 came out of Texas Tech University. They decided to study the healing process in 207 00:16:12.240 --> 00:16:19.080 couples who actually had had somebody had an affair in their romantic relationship. And 208 00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:26.080 these couples reported that not necessarily because of but after the affair, their relationship 209 00:16:26.279 --> 00:16:33.159 experienced meaning full healing. Some of the couples even reported relationship growth. So 210 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:38.840 these researchers didn't want to discuss all the damage that infidelity does. They wanted 211 00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:47.039 to see what common things all these couples did to strengthen their relationship and heal 212 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:53.320 and get stronger afterwards. So it was an ethnically diverse sample of heterosexual couples. 213 00:16:53.799 --> 00:17:00.679 There were eleven white couples, five Latino couples, five African American couples, 214 00:17:00.919 --> 00:17:06.240 and four couples with other ethnic backgrounds. They were young when their hormones 215 00:17:06.240 --> 00:17:10.599 are flying. On average, the average age of all of those sixteen couples 216 00:17:10.640 --> 00:17:15.039 was age twenty seven, and the average relationship duration was seven point six years. 217 00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:19.119 Yeah, that seven year itch thing, I guess it's real. Some 218 00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:22.119 of the couples were married, some were living together, and some were in 219 00:17:22.200 --> 00:17:27.960 committed relationships. All of them had experienced an affair. In ten of the 220 00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:33.920 couples, the man was the one who had an affair, In three of 221 00:17:33.960 --> 00:17:37.759 the couples, the woman was the one who had an affair, and in 222 00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:42.319 three couples who both of them were unfaithful. Okay, so here are what 223 00:17:42.400 --> 00:17:48.839 they have discovered is a four tiered Really, it could be a program level 224 00:17:48.039 --> 00:17:52.400 of healing that was common to all these couples who claimed that after this affair 225 00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:57.200 their relationship actually got better. Took some time though. Okay. Stage one 226 00:17:57.279 --> 00:18:03.920 they call the discovery stage, and that's either that somebody admitted that they had 227 00:18:03.920 --> 00:18:10.359 an affair or the other person found out, and it involved obviously a lot 228 00:18:10.400 --> 00:18:15.920 of uncomfortable emotions. But here's the big takeaway about stage one, when that 229 00:18:17.039 --> 00:18:22.640 infidelity was discovered, If the straying partner, the one who stepped out and 230 00:18:22.680 --> 00:18:30.000 had the affair, disclosed to the other partner that they were experiencing intense shame 231 00:18:30.519 --> 00:18:37.079 and regret, it was easier for the other a partner to hear it because 232 00:18:37.119 --> 00:18:42.240 they respected their partner's honesty. And apologies. So if you do have an 233 00:18:42.279 --> 00:18:48.680 affair, you're better to come clean, say you're sorry, say you regret 234 00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:53.640 it, show feelings of shame and embarrassment. There's a much more chance that 235 00:18:53.680 --> 00:18:57.960 your partner's going to be able to accept it than if you either blame them. 236 00:18:59.000 --> 00:19:00.240 Well, look, you haven't had say to be in forever, and 237 00:19:00.279 --> 00:19:03.920 it's our relationships problem. We were falling apart or I didn't do it. 238 00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:07.599 It's not my fault. It just happened. Okay. If you're gonna go 239 00:19:07.640 --> 00:19:11.640 there, you're gonna have less chance you get to a healing place, all 240 00:19:11.720 --> 00:19:18.279 right. The second stage is where both partners acknowledge the damage to the relationship, 241 00:19:19.079 --> 00:19:23.480 and for the couples who choose to stay together, they both decide to 242 00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:29.839 affirm their commitment to one another. And that involves, according to the researchers, 243 00:19:30.200 --> 00:19:33.920 having had open and honest conversations about all the things that led to the 244 00:19:34.119 --> 00:19:38.359 unfaithfulness. Okay, so that means yeah, so affairs don't just happen, 245 00:19:38.440 --> 00:19:42.200 by the way, somebody has to call somebody up, DM them, take 246 00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:45.519 them out, plan it, lie about it. You know, there's a 247 00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:48.319 lot that has to happen to make it affair happen. When I have people 248 00:19:48.359 --> 00:19:51.559 say, well, it just happened, I'm like, no, you went 249 00:19:51.640 --> 00:19:56.599 your brain turned off, that's what happened. So talking about that as uncomfortable 250 00:19:56.680 --> 00:20:00.319 as it is, because let me tell you that and producer Kayla, I 251 00:20:00.359 --> 00:20:04.519 think you would agree with me that you want the truth. You want every 252 00:20:04.559 --> 00:20:08.839 detail, even if it's painful. Oh yeah. Rather than not knowing, 253 00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:12.960 not knowing allows our brains to imagine, well, he said he had sex 254 00:20:12.960 --> 00:20:17.079 with her once. They were probably meeting every week for six months. Right, 255 00:20:17.319 --> 00:20:22.119 It lets your brain go crazy if you have no information so highly detailed, 256 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:27.680 honest conversation is really important. And also mentioning the emotional impacts. I 257 00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:30.759 know this hurts you. I know it's so hard to hear this. I'm 258 00:20:30.799 --> 00:20:37.880 so sorry, right, and continuing to express remorse. Sorry people, if 259 00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:40.920 you're the one who had the affair, it's going to take some time because 260 00:20:40.960 --> 00:20:42.599 I remember we had I think a caller once saying, you know, I 261 00:20:42.640 --> 00:20:45.079 had an affair, and when is she going to like let me off the 262 00:20:45.079 --> 00:20:48.799 hook. It's been forever, she still keeps bringing it up. And whatever, 263 00:20:48.119 --> 00:20:52.680 you know what waited out, You're going to continue to express remorse and 264 00:20:52.720 --> 00:20:59.640 apologies until you get to the place of healing and repair. Okay. Stage 265 00:20:59.720 --> 00:21:04.759 three three is where you do the work of reaffirming your relationship. So that 266 00:21:04.839 --> 00:21:12.480 means prioritizing your relationship, increasing the researchers say, shared time together and constantly 267 00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:19.319 emphasizing the importance of rebuilding trust. So that may mean the researchers noted in 268 00:21:19.359 --> 00:21:25.359 their study, allowing your partner to check your phone, check your calls, 269 00:21:25.519 --> 00:21:30.799 check your texts, put you on location sharing because they, in their brain, 270 00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:36.319 need time to see that your behavior has changed. So don't get resentful 271 00:21:36.720 --> 00:21:40.119 if they are being a detective now, because it takes time for them to 272 00:21:40.200 --> 00:21:44.720 really believe you now. The couples in the study did say that over time, 273 00:21:44.759 --> 00:21:48.079 their feelings of trust did increase. They also scheduled more date nights, 274 00:21:48.319 --> 00:21:53.559 they did more things together because they were doing the work of rebuilding their relationship. 275 00:21:55.400 --> 00:22:00.079 The fourth stage is the big one, folks. Forgiveness involve two things. 276 00:22:00.200 --> 00:22:04.480 One is, the non strained partner obviously had to relieve themselves of their 277 00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:08.160 own resentment. They held right, so they had to forgiveness. I mean, 278 00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:11.680 resentment is like drinking poison and hoping somebody else will die. Right. 279 00:22:11.880 --> 00:22:15.039 It's a gift to yourself when you can actually let it go and I'm not 280 00:22:15.079 --> 00:22:19.759 going to feel this resentment anymore. But also they found the straining partners needed 281 00:22:19.799 --> 00:22:23.599 to forgive themselves because they can't do this walk a shame forever and ever. 282 00:22:23.880 --> 00:22:29.720 Right now, how long did all this take for some couples, It took 283 00:22:29.759 --> 00:22:33.519 more than a year. The couples who did it best were the ones who 284 00:22:33.559 --> 00:22:37.880 went to therapy together. So I do want to leave you by saying that 285 00:22:37.079 --> 00:22:42.240 there is a commercial for therapy in all of this, and also that your 286 00:22:42.279 --> 00:22:47.519 relationship can get better. All these couples reported that while they wouldn't want to 287 00:22:47.519 --> 00:22:49.400 go back to that and they wouldn't want to use an affair as a prescription, 288 00:22:49.759 --> 00:22:53.960 their relationship is much better now because they did the work. Hey, 289 00:22:53.960 --> 00:22:57.880 if you're doing the work when we come back, I've got some questions and 290 00:22:57.960 --> 00:23:02.720 conversations that you you should be having with your partner on a regular basis to 291 00:23:02.799 --> 00:23:07.880 keep it strong. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI Am 292 00:23:07.920 --> 00:23:11.119 six forty. We are in the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 293 00:23:11.119 --> 00:23:15.880 I want to remind everybody you can keep the conversation going by following me 294 00:23:15.920 --> 00:23:18.480 on social media during the week. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh 295 00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:23.759 as well, I run a really fun Patreon zoom group every Wednesday at six 296 00:23:23.880 --> 00:23:27.599 thirty pm, so you can come over to patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy 297 00:23:27.640 --> 00:23:34.279 Walsh. All right, So I'm in now a long term, secure, 298 00:23:34.359 --> 00:23:41.000 committed relationship of three and a half ish years, and we're getting married this 299 00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:45.160 summer. It's all very exciting, but one of the things we talk about 300 00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:52.880 a lot is how do we keep it alive? How do we not fall 301 00:23:52.039 --> 00:23:59.720 into a rat? Right years ago, I hosted a show I can't even 302 00:23:59.720 --> 00:24:03.240 remember which channel it was for, but it was for basically couples who were 303 00:24:03.319 --> 00:24:07.160 in a rut. They'd been together seven to fourteen years, they had kids, 304 00:24:07.200 --> 00:24:11.319 they maybe gained weight, and I think it was called back in wedding 305 00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:17.799 shape or something, and they planned a whole wedding to redo their vows. 306 00:24:17.960 --> 00:24:22.119 And part of my job was to help them get a little more reconnected and 307 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:26.960 to the old days. And it was really fun because their relationships had just 308 00:24:26.039 --> 00:24:30.839 kind of fallen into a rut. What happens is when you get to that 309 00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:37.640 place of good, consistent security in your relationship, and the conversations become about 310 00:24:37.640 --> 00:24:45.599 your day and scheduling, not so much your desires or the things you're most 311 00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:48.400 proud of. You know. It's funny. The other night we were going 312 00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:53.160 to sleep and I had had a little glass of tequila. I drink very 313 00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:56.759 moderately these days, so now when I have a little glass of tequila, 314 00:24:56.799 --> 00:25:00.079 I'm like, whoa hoo. And if I have a glass wine, I 315 00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:03.759 wish some doctor would help me weigh in on this and explain this. It's 316 00:25:03.799 --> 00:25:07.640 a depressant and I go to sleep right, it calms me down. If 317 00:25:07.640 --> 00:25:11.319 I am tequila, I want to dance. Why is it it's all alcohol? 318 00:25:11.400 --> 00:25:14.039 Why has it behaved differently? But it does. So we get into 319 00:25:14.039 --> 00:25:18.200 bed and I'm talking still as if I'm doing a radio show, and he's 320 00:25:18.440 --> 00:25:22.799 falling asleep, and one of the questions I asked is what are you most 321 00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:25.640 proud of in your life? Like? What have you done that you're most 322 00:25:25.680 --> 00:25:27.799 proud of? Because you know what with me? And I start going through 323 00:25:27.880 --> 00:25:33.720 like the triathlon I ran in my twenties, getting a PhD and my forties 324 00:25:34.359 --> 00:25:40.680 breastfeeding my kids for six years three years each folks, so six years, 325 00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:44.440 you know, against a culture that didn't really support it in my opinion. 326 00:25:44.519 --> 00:25:48.000 I went through all my list of things, like being one of the many 327 00:25:48.039 --> 00:25:51.720 faces in the Me Too movement and being named a Time magazine Person of the 328 00:25:51.839 --> 00:25:55.400 Year, and I was just going through everything, and then I finally ask, 329 00:25:55.839 --> 00:25:56.880 Okay, now, what are you most proud of? And he goes, 330 00:25:59.079 --> 00:26:03.480 just dang happy when the adversity of life has come to me, And 331 00:26:03.519 --> 00:26:06.839 I thought, wow, he goes, yeah, it's work sometimes to just 332 00:26:06.880 --> 00:26:10.160 stay happy, and I'm like, I wish I had that trait, which 333 00:26:10.240 --> 00:26:11.839 is one of the reasons why I'm attracted to him. But anyway, there 334 00:26:11.880 --> 00:26:18.039 are many other conversations you should be having with your long term partner. Actually, 335 00:26:18.319 --> 00:26:21.960 what I did by asking that question what are you most proud of? 336 00:26:22.559 --> 00:26:27.440 Is the first one ask your partner open ended questions, not questions where there 337 00:26:27.480 --> 00:26:33.759 can be a yes or no, but really open ended questions. Here's a 338 00:26:33.759 --> 00:26:37.480 good one. Instead of thinking about the past, I might I might ask 339 00:26:37.559 --> 00:26:44.160 him this tonight, what's something you always wanted to try but haven't tried yet. 340 00:26:45.160 --> 00:26:48.400 I wonder what it's going to be. Actually, I'm curious Kayla, 341 00:26:48.519 --> 00:26:51.480 is there something you've always wanted to try in your life but you haven't tried 342 00:26:51.519 --> 00:26:53.519 yet. Oh, there's a bunch of things. I want to go skydiving? 343 00:26:53.880 --> 00:26:56.000 Are you serious? I do? Yeah, I would have a heart 344 00:26:56.039 --> 00:27:00.359 attack. I think that that's a view and that's an experience only once one 345 00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:03.319 time. I have a friend, a young woman in her twenties who's done 346 00:27:03.319 --> 00:27:07.599 three hundred jumps. I know she's training to be like an instructor, but 347 00:27:07.839 --> 00:27:11.640 she must not have that adrenaline search because I can't even do rise roller coasters 348 00:27:11.640 --> 00:27:17.279 anymore. Adrenaline search anyway, But we digress. Another thing you can do 349 00:27:17.359 --> 00:27:22.000 with your partner is, as I mentioned, go beyond those surface level questions 350 00:27:22.039 --> 00:27:26.039 like how is your day, and instead just say what was the most interesting 351 00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:29.720 thing that happened to you today? Right? Usually when Julio comes in at 352 00:27:29.759 --> 00:27:32.119 the end of the day, he'll say to me, get this, and 353 00:27:32.200 --> 00:27:33.720 I know something really great. He's going to tell some great story. Get 354 00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:37.440 this is how he starts. Right, Or if they've had a rough day, 355 00:27:37.960 --> 00:27:41.200 just say what was the most frustrating thing today? Just isolated and get 356 00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:48.400 more detail about it. Also tell a story, I will say, because 357 00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:51.839 I teach for a living, do radio for a living, do podcasts for 358 00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:53.960 a living, right for a living. I'm pretty good at telling stories, 359 00:27:55.279 --> 00:27:59.319 and Julio loves when we go hiking and he's just silent because he's apparently busy 360 00:27:59.519 --> 00:28:03.200 catching breath and I talk the whole time, and I tell stories. I 361 00:28:03.279 --> 00:28:07.359 think he's in better shape than me, but for some reason, cardio wise, 362 00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:08.960 I can get up the hills better, so I tell stories. He 363 00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:11.400 goes. I just love that I get to the other end of this hill, 364 00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:18.000 and I've been entertained the whole time. So tell stories and show some 365 00:28:18.279 --> 00:28:27.160 genuine interest in your partner thoughts, feelings, experiences, put away distractions, 366 00:28:27.599 --> 00:28:34.480 Yes, turn off the game, turn off the iPhone, put away things, 367 00:28:34.599 --> 00:28:40.000 actively, listen, look them in the eye, talk to them. 368 00:28:40.359 --> 00:28:42.440 And the other big one that we do less and less after we've been in 369 00:28:42.519 --> 00:28:48.920 relationships a long time. Continue to be vulnerable. Talk about your fears, 370 00:28:49.440 --> 00:28:55.960 your dreams, your vulnerabilities with each other on a regular basis. This will 371 00:28:56.000 --> 00:29:02.480 help you continue to deepen your emotional connection. And yes, add novelty. 372 00:29:02.640 --> 00:29:06.359 Try new things together, figure out where you can go that you haven't been 373 00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:11.480 together. Sometimes your partner looks new and exciting to you if you just put 374 00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:17.160 them in new schema, a new situation right, or also read a book 375 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:21.079 together not out loud separately and so you can talk about it or watch a 376 00:29:21.119 --> 00:29:25.880 movie together that you can really talk about it. As I mentioned, it's 377 00:29:25.880 --> 00:29:30.319 important to add novelty for the things that you do together. But it's also 378 00:29:30.359 --> 00:29:36.480 important that you grow as an individual, do things individually so you can come 379 00:29:36.559 --> 00:29:40.839 back to the relationship and tell them about it and be really excited about it. 380 00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:44.400 So it's really important. I always think of relationships as a ven diagram, 381 00:29:44.440 --> 00:29:48.759 two overlapping circles. One circle is you, one circle is them, 382 00:29:48.079 --> 00:29:52.200 and there's this overlap in the middle called the relationship. But don't let the 383 00:29:52.240 --> 00:29:56.839 circle that's you die, right, keep growing it, not to the point 384 00:29:56.839 --> 00:30:02.839 that it's threatening the relationship, but to you to bring something exciting back into 385 00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:07.519 the relationship. I think I mentioned last week when I went to visit Apricot 386 00:30:07.559 --> 00:30:11.440 Lane Farms, which I've always wanted to do and learn more about composting and 387 00:30:11.480 --> 00:30:15.480 soil. I brought back a whole farmer's basket of food and I made the 388 00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:18.200 whole dinner from Apricot Lane Farms, and I was so excited to share that 389 00:30:18.240 --> 00:30:22.319 with him. That's a simple example about you doing something as an individual and 390 00:30:22.359 --> 00:30:27.440 bringing back into your relationship. I hope you continue to have healthy, happy 391 00:30:27.519 --> 00:30:33.799 relationships, not only this week, but well into your future. You've been 392 00:30:33.839 --> 00:30:37.279 listening to doctor Wendy Wallash. You can always hear us live on KFI AM 393 00:30:37.319 --> 00:30:41.759 six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the 394 00:30:41.799 --> 00:30:41.880 iHeartRadio app.