We decided to book a trip to Mexico as I was getting better, and
I was better enough to be able to enjoy walking along a beach and swimming
and all of that. I didn't think about it. It was going to
rain a little bit on the trip, but when we got there, it
became clear that this was a really big storm coming. And to make a
long story, which ends up being two chapters in the book short, we
basically walked right into a Category four hurricane. It was a direct hit and
we ultimately had to be airlifted out of Mexico by the Mexican military because the
airport had been temporarily rendered useless. And it was a harrowing experience. And
it was shortly after my recovery, so I got the chance to use some
of the techniques that I had perfected on how to keep myself calm and not
a flip out in the midst of trauma. This is Fred's younger son,
the one who's a middling fourteen handicap cut down to an eleven. But you
know, we're still working on it. It's for everything. I play whenever
I can in southern California. My name is Lisa, and then that's Green
at it. This is number nine kind. This is Golf Smarter, number
nine hundred by accident, a memoir of Letting Go by Joanne Green. That's
my wife. This is Golf Smarter. I'm Danny, the older son.
And here are two of my favorite podcast hosts, my parents, Joanne and
Fred Green. Is so sweet. Thank you for doing that, of course.
And you know, every time I've met a Golf Smarter listener, the
first question is always is that your wife's voice on the introduction? So what
I need Why did they think that? I don't know, But what I
need you to say right now is here's your host, Fred Green. Just
to confirm that that is you. Here's your host, Fred Green. Yeah,
that's not the way you say it, but that's perfect. Now do
I say it? Here's your host. It was a lot of years ago,
Fred, Like, it was like nine hundred weeks ago. Here's your
host, Fred Green. Well, we've done it a couple of times since
then, but this one's been running for at least a decade. No,
wait, do I do I need to call you? Because now that you're
a published author, Do I need to call you Joanne? Or can I
call you Joe, call me anything you want, all right, well,
within reason on this one, we'll just call you Joe, you Joe.
Okay, this is a really big week for us, the sense that today,
the day that we're publishing this podcast is episode nine hundred for me and
your thank you and your book comes out yeay, and tomorrow is our forty
third wedding anniversary. This is getting a little too sappy. Yeah, I
know, but that's pretty awesome and I was thinking about it and over the
years. Well, first of all, we're rarely on microphones together. I
can only think of a couple of times that we've always we've been it's either
you're on the microphone or I'm on the microphone, but never together. I
can only think of a couple of times that we've done this. Can you
think of any because I'll tell you what I got only when we're making things
for people like cute little happy birthday video or something right that yet? Right?
Okay, that's one on my list. Yeah, go ahead, what
else? Ye now, that's it, I'm coming up. Okay, the
Newlywed game when we were on a cruise to a Las scott Oh no,
what else are you going to reveal here and now. The only other time
I can think of is when we were dating and I was doing the morning
show. I was filling in for the morning disc jockey. I was on
the radio and you were doing the news, and you completed the newscast and
I went into the song my Girl, and nobody knew we were dating.
I'm sure that gave everything away to the three people who cared. No,
nobody cared. But anyway, all good, all good, So Fred,
congratulations, nine hundred episodes. Now everybody knows that you are loyal, that
you have staying power, that you become obsessed and keep doing the same thing
over because I'm afraid that if I stop, I'll never come back. Okay,
Okay, No, it's because you love it. I do love it,
and you should do what you love. We should all do it what
we love. Absolutely. And that's a lot about what we're going to talk
about why you wrote this book and what this book is about. But there's
other things we need to talk about first. Okay, I need to get
your feedback and input because I've talked about things like this on the show for
years and years. You are a what it's like to be a golf wife,
that is not play that is not a golfer. Well, first of
all, I'm going to say thank you for not using Yeah, thanks for
not saying golf widow, because that's all I raise that people. Yes,
thank you. I think it's fantastic that you have something that's yours, that
you love, that puts you outside in nature or as you put it,
nature on a leash, which is a golf course. And I have plenty
of things that I do and places I want to go and people I want
to be with during that time, and we are together so much, and
I love that. But I love that you have this interest that doesn't include
me. I have taken a few golf lessons here and there. I can
sort of play golf, but it's just I don't really care that much whether
the ball goes in the hole. I think you have to really care.
And I would prefer to take a hike in the woods for that same length
of time and just talk and not to have to worry about all the equipment
and carrying all the stuff and where the ball goes and what I'm wearing.
Yeah, I just it's not me. I think. Yeah. I always
say, you know, maybe I'll take up maybe next year. I don't
know next year on the golf course maybe yeah, maybe. But you know
we've always talked about yeah, like you love to go for hikes, and
I say I love to go for hikes too. I just want to hit
something every so often brings my focus back to what we're what I'm doing.
Great, knock yourself up. Thank you that you do you. That's what
I say. You do you and it's great. I totally support your golf
habit. I appreciate that so much. And you've supported this. You've not
only supported this show for me, um for such a long time now,
you've been a tremendous barometer of whether I'm continuing to do it or how I'm
feeling about it, but you've also like, thank you for all the support
that you've given me all these years. No one needs. You're welcome and
thank you. And all the crazy ideas I've had, crazy ideas, and
you've let me run with them, not all of them, not all of
them, definitely, not all of them, um, but and so too.
Thank you for supporting me in the writing of this book, which has
taken an enormous amount of time and money. Does anybody know that it costs
a lot of money to do a book, and certainly to do the marketing
and the publicity and everything else. But it was just something I had to
do. And yeah, you for supporting me all the way. Thank you.
Why did you need to write a book? I always thought that I
might write a book someday, but I always questioned whether I would have the
attention span to follow through with a project of that nature. I've always been
a writer, but I've always written what people paid me to write. And
at this point in my life, it was not only the right time because
I was able to stop working full time and really devote my attention and energy
and effort to this one single project. But more importantly, I had a
story to tell. And I had a very intense decade in which I lost
my mother, my sister, and my brother in a four year period.
And then when I thought I'd kind of been to hell and back, I
was leaving work one day and in broad daylight in a crosswalk I was hit
by a car as a pedestrian and miraculously survived the accident and the five days
in the hospital afterward. And you know, with your help, of course,
was able to fully recover, and then a series of other things happened
that were challenges where I got to use what I had learned in the recovery
from the accident to get through a few more life crises, health and otherwise.
And for me, it was it took being hit by a car to
slow me down. I was always a person in constant motion who felt safest
when in control. You know, I was the person who wanted to drive,
because if I was behind the wheel, I felt safer. I tried
to control things. I tried to always do my best at whatever it was
I was doing, be the best person, the best daughter, or the
best sister, the best wife, the best friend, all of that.
And what I never really developed was a way to relax and slow down.
And this accident brought me to my knees. I couldn't do anything. I
could not get myself to the bathroom. I couldn't feed myself. I could
do nothing. I was so badly injured, and instead of folding, which
I was very tempted to do as anyone would be, I drew strength from
somewhere and just said I can do this. And I was very blessed with
the resources to get the help that I needed. You were incredible. I
don't want to swell your head or anything. But people have said that letter
you've read the book. I read the book, yeah, and I go
through it and I'm like, did I really say that? Are you just
putting words in my mouth to make a story along? Mostly you said everything
or some reasonable facts simile. So yes, he is a really nice guy,
those of you who have been listening for a while, very very loving.
And but he didn't have Fred did not have like caretaker skills. I
mean, he had never taken care of anyone really but himself and certainly our
kids over the years, so this was really quite something. I was never
a primary caretaker, no, and most people are not, I mean the
first time, usually especially for a parent, right right. I learned so
much about how to live a meaningful life. I learned so much about how
to move through crises. I learned things about myself that I had never really
known. So it wasn't just about how to relax. It was and how
to be still, which was quite a feat to learn that, and I
have been able to do that more and more in the years since. But
it was really about understanding that whatever it is you're going through is going to
change and morph and pass like this two shall pass. That phrase that we've
all heard so many times, it's it's really true. And also in the
midst of a crisis, to be able to focus on gratitude is a huge
help. It's very hard to feel sorry for yourself and feel gratitude at the
same time. So I write all about that. But if golf smarter listeners
want a real insight into Fred Green, this is probably the strongest insight you're
going to get. Is a book by accident. Might I show you here?
It is? It's really all about him. It's really not We're gonna
take a time out. We'll come back after the spot. We'll write back.
You know. One of an early memory that I have of us is
when our Danny, our older son, was just an infant and we rented
a house on the beach. I think of Bedega Bay and on a house
with a cliff overlooking the water and a tiny little hot tub and a tiny
little hot tub, and you I just remember you saying someday, I would
love to have a house like this that I can look out at the ocean
and just write a book and so that never left me, and I pushed
you. I've I've always felt like that's going to happen someday. Well,
the greatest thing of all is that somebody discovered or invented or created Airbnb,
so we didn't have to actually buy such a house. We could just go
at this one now, but we didn't. I basically wrote the book right
here in my little study, which I love calling it a study and not
an office because it implies that it's something I want to do rather than have
to do. And I never realized that. And we've been here eleven years.
That's pretty That's why I call it my study because office implies, you
know, well for me, always office implied, hemming me in where you
know, I never worked in offices, really. I worked in radio stations,
television stations, and a community So you had an office for the last
over a decade with your last but inside of a community center. So there
were people coming to be enriched and three year olds outside my door that I
could go and play with, and it was it was very very special.
But yeah, I think of offices as corporate. Yeah, we're gonna play
an excerpt of the book later. They kind of gives an introduction to our
meeting and how we met whatnot. But we're gonna We're gonna do that a
little bit later. I'm just curious. Did you have any expectations when you
wrote this book? What were you like, why, why, what motivated
you, and what were your expectations. Initially I wasn't quite sure what the
book was going to be. I thought it might be a braided memoir,
which would include a lot of stories from radio days, because I had the
opportunity to interview so many people over the years, famous people, and in
almost a Forrest Gump kind of way, you know, being there at moments
when history was made. But over time it became clear that it was not
going to be that. It was going to be one cohesive story with flashbacks.
And I was writing for a couple of reasons. One because my siblings
passed away at a young age's one at sixty and one at sixty nine,
and we have many other descendants in the family of both my sister and my
brother, and I wanted to capture some things about our family and how we
grew up for posterity, for a legacy, and to let our children,
their children and grandchildren always have this ability to get some of the stories.
So there was that motivation, but beyond that, it was to help anybody,
if one person or a couple of people somewhere can read my story and
be inspired or have something to tell themselves a mantra in times of great suffering,
be that loss, grief, or physical pain or emotional trauma. I
mean, we all go through these kinds of things at one time or another.
And to have a story of someone who was able to move through that
with grace and with optimism and hope, I think could be helpful to someone.
And that's my greatest gift. If somebody can read it and be helped,
then I feel like I've accomplished what I set out to accomplish. And
what did you learn about yourself in the process of writing a book. Well,
I learned that I have a longer attention span than I thought I had.
I learned that I really can stick with a project for a very long
time, that I don't have to always be in a rush. I'd always
been in a rush. I'm not quite sure why I write about that in
the book, but I took my time and I spent lots of money,
which also for me is a hard thing to do and hung in there.
So all of that about the writing process and really asking and seeking help from
experts to make the end product better rather than just going it alone. You
and I both have that need often to just go it alone. And this
was really a case of it isn't just me that wrote this book. It's
an editor that I worked with, Heather Martin, who was extraordinary, and
others who advised me. I called them my literary midwives. So that was
that was a lot. And then in terms of just crystallizing the lessons that
I learned through my experiences by organizing it and writing it in such a way
and you know, sort of capturing the learnings cemented them in my mind.
So things like I don't ever regret spending time spreading joy. So if I
want to call someone and make them feel better or reach out or send a
text, do that. That is part of who I am and what makes
me feel good. Other learnings are not. Everybody has my need for intimacy,
and so people can care about me deeply but not show up for me
in the way that I might show up for them. Doesn't mean they're bad,
doesn't mean they don't care about me. It means they're different things like
that. And I'd love for you to share some of the blurbs that were
written by other people. One of them, you know, one of them
is right there on the cover of the book, because that was what's on
the cover of the book, because yeah, that was the coupe. So
if I had to pick an author whose audience would be my ideal prime audience,
for sure, it's Anne Lamot. And An Lamott happens to live in
the same county that we in which we live, and happened to have many
decades ago, had a son who was a high school wrestler when our son
was a high school wrestler. So I got her email address and reached out
to her to see if she would read my book and write a blurb.
And she said no, very gently, kindly and respectfully, and I didn't
take no for an answer. Basically, so Ann La Motte said, this
is an amazing book, harrowing, deeply human and charming. I absolutely could
not put it down. And that just makes me so happy because I have
so much respect and admiration for her and to even, you know, have
her have read my book as an extraordinary thing. And then you know,
having been on the planet, think you, thank you. But having been
around for a long time, having been in radio and and and all the
different kinds of work I've done over the years, I have had the absolute
joy and privilege of crossing paths with some pretty extraordinary people, and I very
I don't know what's the right word. I'm thinking hutzbah or like with great
nerve. I reached out and asked them to read my book and write blurbs.
And I got a lot of great people to do that, people like
Sylvia Borstein, Michael Krasney. Let's that's not you know, run through these
two quickly. Because Sylvia Borstein, we've talked about mindfulness on this show since
the very beginning, and people who are into that and the mental part,
I'd love for you to share what Sylvia wrote and say a little bit more
about who she is so they can connect to that. Sure well, Sylvia
is many things. She has been a meditation teacher for many, many years.
She's a she's about eighty six years old right now. She's the author
of many books, including Happiness as an Inside Job, Practicing for a Joyful
Life. It's easier than you think, the Buddhist Way to happiness. She's
extraordinary, So if you're not familiar with her, definitely look her up.
Sylvia Borstein And did you want me to read what she wrote? Yes?
I do. She says by accident is laudable, compelling, gripping, and
instructive. In this wonderfully uplifting memoir, Joey Green successfully overcomes life's challenges with
a combination of determination, devotion, skill, with hope and courage. You
will be cheering her on and feeling inspired all the way. I don't know
if I can read any more of these. It feels too No, no,
they're almost gonna ask for one more. Okay, what? And that's
an old radio friend of ours who actually had a documentary, had a filmmate
about him, a documentary, and then he kind of starred in a film.
Ben functoris who we both worked with. Somebody played him, an actor
played him, right, But there was also a documentary about him, right,
yes, the Life and Time. It's called like a Rolling Stone,
The Life and Times of Ben Functors. And Ben was an editor of Rolling
Stone, but he was also a dis jockey of Case and when we were
there, he came on after me and wrote a memoir. And he wrote
a memoir called The Rice Room. Right, that's the that's a memoir he
wrote. But please share with us what Ben wrote about your book. Joanne
a seasoned broadcast journalist. As a stunning writer, she invites us into her
head through her most critical moments, peppering her story with wit and humor,
with insightful details, and with unsparing memories of family from the most distant to
the most loving. Awesome, We'll be right back. The book has a
lot more stories than just the time you were hit by the car. There's
other things that happened that you can share a little bit. We're not going
to read from, but we'll read just more in a bit. But talk
about the time we were in Mexico. We decided to book a trip to
Mexico as I was getting better and I was better enough to really be able
to enjoy walking along a beach and swimming and all of that. Booked a
trip to Kabas on Lucas and we check the weather. Actually, I should
tell your listeners, Fred always checks the weather. I mean, he is
telling us the weather not only in the place we are, but in the
place that we're going a few weeks. Hence every day, every two days,
he's checking that weather. So I didn't think about it. It was
going to rain a little bit on the trip, Okay, so we'll read
our books and you know, maybe sip of margarita and eat some Guacamolian chips.
But when we got there, it became clear that this was a really
big storm coming. And to make a long story, which ends up being
two chapters in the book short, we basically walked right into a Category four
hurricane. It was a direct hit. It was treacherous, it was terrifying,
and we ultimately had to be airlifted out of Mexico by the Mexican military
because the airport had been temporarily rendered useless. And it was a harrowing experience.
And it was shortly after my recovery, so I got the chance to
use some of the techniques that I had perfected on how to keep myself calm
and not flip out in the midst of trauma. It was an amazing time.
We have been through a lot, and I'm just so grateful that you
were able to write this book. I really am grateful that you did this
and completely impressed that you made it through. Why did you not self publish?
There are advantages to all the different ways that one can publish a book,
and if I had to put it into one word, it's distribution.
When you self publish, you don't have the benefit of a professional distribution channel.
And I chose to publish and was accepted by She Writes Press, which
is a feminist press that is a hybrid press, so you get the advantages
of traditional publishing houses in terms of the distribution we're published by. We're distributed
by Ingram Publishers Group West, and so it's extensive distribution. But it's a
different model in that I paid some of the costs up front and then I
get a higher percentage of the proceeds of sales. So if my book does
well, I'll be able to recoup a lot of the money that we've invested.
And that is the hope, and really more than that, I didn't
I didn't want to go Why I didn't go the traditional route is because I
didn't want to take the time and undergo the risk of trying to get an
agent and then having my books sit on an agent's desk for years. It's
very difficult to get a memoir published these days by a traditional publisher if you're
not a celebrity. I am hardly a celebrity. So you have to be
an influencer. You have to have millions of people following you on Instagram.
I don't so for me, going with a hybrid press, and specifically this
hybrid press she Writes Press, was absolutely the right way to go. And
I cannot say enough about the people that she Writes Press, and what a
great process it's been working with them. It's a sense that everyone is invested
in your success and everyone is there to help. And they publish fifty books
in the spring and fifty books in the fall, and you are part of
a cohort. And I've gotten to know many of the other she Writes Press
authors, and we are all helping each other. I'm going to be on
a panel next Saturday with a couple of others she Writes Press authors, and
a number of our fellow authors will be coming to hear us. It's it's
it's what I always hoped women would do, for women to bring one another
up and to share what we know to help others, because all boats rise
with the tide. And if women are going to have a greater voice in
our society, it's because women are going to help other women. You know,
we've made this a complete family affair with our sons and our grandchildren on
this episode. And I even just heard Moxie, our dog, in the
background, So now it is a complete family affair. We've done this.
You've also done something quite I think it's unique. I'm assuming it's unique in
the publishing world, and that is you've taken on the publicity element of this
on your own, and lots of people do that because publicists are very expensive
to hire, right right, you're nailing it, thank you. I did
hire a publicist early on. Wasn't really pleased with what was happening, so
we discontinued our relationship, and I just decided because I had the time.
And it's not brain surgery. You know. You can watch a lot of
things online and learn how to launch a book successfully, and I basically took
notes and have been doing what the experts have told me to do, and
so so far, so good. We'll see what happens in terms of book
sales. Yeah, well, let's yeah, and of course, let's get
a rundown of can you give some dates and places of where you're going to
be appearing and what you're going to be doing. Well, the easiest thing
is to send people to my website, which is Joe Anne jo A N
N E Green g R e e ne dot com and all of the places
are being listed. I have a number of events in the San Francisco Bay
area, a few in Marin County, one in San Francisco, one in
Berkeley, one in Wilma Creek. I have an event in La two events
in Oregon, waiting to hear on possible events in Washington, d C.
And who knows it could go on from there. Also on a lot of
podcasts, and that's a lot of fun. Yeah, how many? Like
this is not the podcast you're being a guest? You've been doing this a
lot lately. Yeah, I haven't counted, but it feels like maybe around
ten wow, something like that. Well, yeah, it's a lot of
fun. But because people do podcasts on how to move through adversity, podcasts
about resilience, podcasts about big changes in midlife, so there are so many
topic areas that my story fits into. Yeah, it's a lot of fun,
and I'm meeting some wonderful people. Yeah, being a golf boy.
All right, we're gonna yeah, We're gonna take one more time about We'll
right back. This week on golf Smarter, Mulligan's is part two of our
conversation with clubmaker Jesse Ortiz. In this episode, we discuss the value of
changing your grips and shafts to increase your distance instead of buying new clubs.
We also talk about the importance of having fairway medals in your bag. Fairway
woods, I'm so forgotten in this industry because it's like, oh, it
was everything's driver, that everything's hybrids and wedges, But the fairway woods are
probably the most important clubs in your bag because they set up the rest of
your bag configuration, the rest of your set configuration. And a lot of
golfers can't hit three woods, they can't get them airborne because they're only fifteen
degrees loft to thirteen degrees loft and the old days fret of fairwaywood. A
three wood used to be seventeen degrees and the old woodwood days. And I
think a lot of golfers are hurting themselves by using three woods that don't have
enough loft that's Golf Smarter Mulligan's episode two hundred and sixteen, featuring legendary clubmaker
Jesse Ortiz in an episode that was originally members only, so this hour long
conversation has never been shared before. Please subscribe for free to both of our
golf podcasts, Golf Smarter, published every Tuesday, and our sister podcast that
revisits the best of Golf Smarter, called Golf Smarter Mulligans, being released every
Friday from Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google, Amazon, Audible or wherever you're
listening right now. Part of being in this cohort with these women that you've
been on a regular basis, it's kind of led you to create another podcast
of your own tell us about in this story what it is, and we
find that all throughout the pandemic. I've been part of a global women's writing
group on Zoom where we write short essays in response to prompts, and we've
been we started out doing this every week, now we do it twice a
month, but I have been for the last three years churning out micro essays.
And so because you were kind enough to offer to produce them as a
podcast and to create custom music for each episode. I now have a podcast
called in this Story, which are my memoir style micro essays set to music.
Awesome, Awesome, And the other thing that was really fun with this
is that we recorded your audio, and the audiobook has been available for a
while now. It's definitely availed one audible dot com. If you're a podcast
listener and you like audiobooks as well that's how you consume books, then please
check out By Accident, a Memoir of Letting Go the audiobook on audible dot
com. So I think what we should do to wrap this up is I
would love to pull chapter seven of the audiobook, and it really talks about
how we met and your impressions and me early early early days in the late
seventies when my favorite, all time favorite line about us is we met working
in rock and roll radio and Sa Francisco in the seventies. So this is
going to be chapter seven from chapter seven of the audiobook of By Accident by
Joey an Green. We both worked at KSA n FM in San Francisco in
nineteen seventy eight. I was a news anchor and Fred was producing the morning
show and had a part time airshift. His energy was boundless and infectious,
like a geyser, continually erupting with enthusiasm and joy. His smile could meltipolar
ice cap. The image that is stuck with me most all these years is
him in those sexy white drawstring pants. The first time I noticed his adorable
butt, he was walking down the hall outside of the main case and studio.
Wow. Don't think i'd ever noticed a guy's but before. Haven't since.
I loved his fluffy mane of dark brown curls and beard. Together they
formed a big halo around his head and face. I was at Casan for
only two years, but it felt eons. First. I joined the esteemed
left leaning news staff of Dave McQueen, the unflappable voice of authority who'd grown
up with Janice Joplin in Port Arthur, Texas. Larry Bensky, the brilliant
former editor of The Paris Review, The New York Times, Sunday Book Review
and Ramparts, and Scoop Nisker, the iconic news commentator who famously closed his
reports with the phrase, if you don't like the news, go out and
make some of your own. In addition to reporting the morning news, I
played comic foil to DJ Stephen Capin. One morning, we pretended to conduct
a Rand Corporation experiment, complete with sound effects, to see what would happen
if we dropped cats off the roof of the building. There were picketers outside
the station within an hour. Mind you, no real cats participated in the
experiment. There was the time that DJ Tom O'Hare, tripping on acid while
live on the afternoon show, asked to see my news copy, rolled it
into the shape of a joint and lit it on fire. I worked with
some of the most creative, passionate, hard living, colorful characters I'd ever
encounter. But Fred was different. He wasn't cutting lines of cocaine at eleven
in the morning or drinking shots next door at the financial corner when his shift
was over. He was innocent and playful and had boundless, childlike enthusiasm.
He was funny, and like me, Jewish with ancestry from the Ukraine.
Our similar roots provided instant recognition a shared language. For a first date,
he asked me to see Journey at the Coliseum. Big rock concerts aren't my
thing, I told him, with a touch of arrogance, I'm more into
jazz. It was true, but really Joanne. A few days later,
he invited me to see his high school friend, Rob played George Harrison in
the new musical Beatlemania, and even offered to record me interviewing Rob. He'd
set up the whole thing. I wonder if he thinks this is a bit
hoky too, I thought, as we watched the four mop top Beetles impersonators
speak with lame British accents. George is the most believable. Don't you think
Fred whispered actually looks like George, I conceded, And he's a really good
guitarist. Our banter was easy, and I felt a little flutter in my
chest, the good kind when he reached out and held my hand. What
a sweet gesture, I thought, so simple and kind of retro That flutter
was just as much a pleasant surprise as his move, reminding me of that
feeling back in early adolescence when a guide touched my hand. There's something so
delicious about the suggestion of romance, the hint of intimacy to follow. After
driving back to Oakland from San Francisco, we stopped at the Edible Complex on
College Avenue, First neck olive a toasted sesame bagel I ordered at the counter,
with cream cheese and a tomato slice. Me too, said Fred,
taking out his wallet as I reached into my purse. I've got this,
he said with a smile. My previous boyfriend had never offered to pick up
a check. I'd always taken pride in being a self supporting feminist, and
I had to admit this move of Fred's felt good, like a signal that
he was generous. It was only a bagel, but I noted the gesture.
We sat in Fred's car for another hour, talking about the show,
the radio station, and the cast of characters in our respective families. Remembering
that my alarm would be going off at four so I could get to the
station and prepare the six o'clock newscast, I reluctantly said, I think I
should head home now. Much as I'm enjoying just sitting here talking, it's
pretty comfortable, Fred said, leaning over and gently putting his hand behind my
neck. He smiled A kiss I thought could work right about now, and
it did. One day led to many, and before we were sneaking around
the station trying to keep the lid on our percolating love affair. Fred was
a romantic and happily impulsive. I would be in the newsroom working on a
story when he'd burst in, closed the door, and flip on the mic
switch, which triggered a big on air sign keeping out intruders. All this
so that he could come up behind me and envelop me in an embrace.
We made out like fourteen year olds right there in the middle of the workday.
I'm not sure what excited me more, the feeling of being mischievous and
getting away with something, or the deeper sense that maybe, just maybe this
was the real deal. Fred had had just one girlfriend before me for seven
years, No matter how challenging he found aspects of the relationship, like how
she bugged him about his pot smoking and her annoyance when he took an airshift
on case, and the night of her sorority dance, he hung in there
and was shattered when she finally broke it off. That told me a lot
about Fred. No matter how shattered I am now, he won't give up
on me. Fred walks into our bedroom holding Lulu. Someone thinks she might
be able to comfort you, he says, his head cocked to the side,
an impish grin on his face. I would love to try that.
Fred gently places Lulu inside my left arm. This is vintage Fred being generous
and cute without being overbearing. Somehow he knows that petting the dog will slow
my breathing. Somehow Lulu knows to stay relatively still. I want both of
them to stay here forever. Fred sits next to us, and my breathing
continues to slow. We talk about the dogs we've had, and how they've
been almost as great as the children we've made. We decide it's the sweetness,
the openness to new people, and the playfulness of both our boys and
the pups that we leasure so deeply. We talk about Maxim Blair and how
happy we are that they're getting married. Remember that book the kids made for
our thirtieth anniversary, I ask, can you find it? I'd like to
read that again. Fred is back in a flash with the book thirty Amazing
Years. The cover is a photo of the two of us in front of
the John Lennon Tribute wall in Prague, a peace sign and the word imagine
in huge letters over our heads. The book features tributes from friends and family
members which our kids had solicited. Read me what Blair wrote? I say
as he reads, I closed my eyes and drift back to when they presented
us with the book on our thirtieth anniversary weekend in the mountains. I remember
having chills in that moment. The embarrassment of riches, of having so many
people in our lives commenting on our marriage made me almost feel like an impostor.
I was sure they didn't know about all the hard work it took to
keep things going. But in their entries, the kids acknowledge that we've always
been honest about what it takes. I felt more seen than I ever had
before. My eyes pop open when he gets to this part of Blair's entry.
When I was just fifteen, you showed me that couples can actually like
one another. That has not changed, not once in the nine years that
I have been watching you two, And believe me, I have been watching,
observing, taking mental notes of how I want to live my life.
Stability is a gift. I can always count on you two to provide.
Your union is my marriage barometer. Fred pauses and looks directly into my eyes.
I shake my head. I guess we're doing something right, or we've
got her fooled, I say, with a grin. One night, when
Max was fifteen years old and had friends over, Blair casually told me that
she was going to marry Max. One day, I asked if maybe they
should date first, and she said to Dayton High School would ruin everything.
Then I asked why Max. She shared that he was the smartest and funniest
guy, She knew that he was great with kids, that she'd seen him
at his worst and could handle it, and that most of all, he'd
been raised by us, and that our relationship had been his model of how
to be a couple. Check out her last paragraph. Friend says, while
you make it look so easy, you two are very open about the hard
work it takes to create thirty years of marriage. It is refreshing to be
around people who are honest and can admit flaws. With your marriage as a
model, your guidance, and your unconditional love, I have been able to
build a foundation for a happy, healthy and loving relationship. Wow, I
exhale. That's really something. She knew it at fifteen, and now they're
getting married. We've really built something here, haven't we, Fred smiles.
We've always had each other's backs, and the kids took notice. This makes
me feel so cared for honey. The fact that it's been this obvious to
the kids and to everyone else who wrote in the book. Tears fill my
eyes and my mouth starts to quiver. I just have to relax and know
that you'll take care of me through all of this, and not just this,
Fred adds. Through everything he leans into hug me, and I flinch,
so afraid that even the gentless touch might cause pain. Fred hands me
the book and I silently read the message Max wrote two years ago. I'm
stunned as I was the first time I read it that he internalized and so
beautifully expressed what he had taken from our marriage. He wrote about learning to
be flexible and patient, to pick your battles, that, like us,
he hopes to always present a united front to his kids, to encourage his
partner's creativity and professional risk taking, and to recognize when she is the better
person to take the lead. I am so blown away. I say to
Fred that just by being us and doing what we do, we've taught him
how to have a healthy relationship. And you thought he wasn't paying attention,
Fred says as he takes the book back and scans the list Max made.
Here's my favorite, Fred says, reading aloud. Always watched the fashion show
after a trip to the outlets. It was originally eight million dollars, but
I got it for guess sixteen ninety nine. Need I say more? I
shake my head trying to suppress a full blown laugh that I fear would cause
pain. Max is so funny, and yes, I'm his best audience in
this moment. I don't miss the loved ones I've loved, but feel deep
gratitude for the family we've made. I am so lucky. And again that's
part of chapter seven by accident, a memoir of letting go. Joe,
really proud of you. Congratulations, this is an incredible endeavor that you've succeeded
beyond our wildest dreams. I think. And happy anniversary back at your baby.
So it's been at least a four year process of writing, rewriting,
and more rewriting with some pretty amazing coaches and Joe and I would love for
you to check out her book, which is available on paperback from the larger
brick and mortar bookstores. If your local store doesn't carry it, please ask
them to order it for you. It's also available at all the online bookstores
like Apple Books, Barns and Nobles, and Amazon as a paperback and as
an e book. And as you heard, we've also produced an audiobook that's
about five and a half hours long and is available from Audible or Apple Books.
Also, in just a minute, I'll give you a sneak listen to
her upcoming podcast being released this Friday. The show is called in this story
and this week's short essay is I published a book. As she mentioned,
she's doing bookstore and book club appearances around the country. So when you go
to her website Joanne dash Green j OA N N E g R E E
NE dot com, Joanne Dashgreen dot com, you can request to be on
her newsletter mailing list or find out how you can get her to come speak
in your area. Well, last week was my Bandoned Dunes adventure and it
was fabulous, so much better for me than my trip in twenty thirteen,
because not only did I have a better understanding of what I was getting myself
into, but I also had a much better understanding of my strati goals,
how to play in the wind and the difference between playing links and parkland golf.
My goal it was to break ninety on each round, and I can't
believe that I succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. Of course, every golfer can
complain about what didn't work, and for me it was hitting out of the
bunkers and the pacing of my long lag puts on the fast greens, which
led to more, many, more three puts than I care to admit.
But here are my final totals. Bandon Dunes eighty two, Bandoned Trails,
and this is in the order that we played them. Bandoned Trails eighty six
Old McDonald eighty three, Sheep Ranch eighty four, Pacific Dunes eighty three.
That was thirty six holes on Monday, eighteen on Tuesday, and thirty six
on Wednesday. And when we arrived late Sunday afternoon, we had a great
Links golf clinic with Kevin Phillips, who you met a couple of weeks ago.
Then played the thirteen whole part three course called the Preserve, so all
in I walked more than eighty six thousand steps, which is the equivalent to
about forty three and a half miles, And then I came home on late
Thursday, played on Saturday walk so I walked fifty miles of golf courses this
past week. Every course abandoned was unique, and the weather was cool but
not freezing, and very breezy. I mean I was wearing there were days.
On the final day I wore a long sleeve undershirt, a long sleeve
golf shirt, a golf jacket and had a wool cap over my ears and
I was holding my hands up against my ears to stop the sound. And
that final day was playing a sheep ranch then quickly shuttling over to tea off
at Pacific Dunes was definitely the windiest, with the winds exceed eating twenty miles
an hour in your face and sometimes a year back. Now. I've never
played golf in the UK, but it's been said that this magnificent property is
the closest you'll ever find a Scottish golf in the United States. And one
last thing, I brought a box of odin next one balls and only lost
three balls. But more impressively, I also, as always, I brought
the flight path golf teas that we learned about back in the episode eight hundred
and seventy two in December of twenty twenty two, and I didn't lose a
single tea. So to my playing partners on this trip, Neil, John,
Joel, Andy, Woody, Steve and Jay, thanks for a great
week guys. Can't wait to do it again. And also extra thanks go
out to Michael Chopka, director of communications at Bandoned Dunes, who we also
met a couple of weeks ago, for his warmth and friendly hospitality. Wow.
Nine hundred weekly episodes really blows my mind. As much as I've appreciated
Joanne's support through the process, I really want to thank you for your continued
friendship, curiosity, and ongoing support. I couldn't know. I wouldn't have
done it without you. Thank you. And if you have any questions,
comments, or suggestions for anything in the future, please click on the Hey
Fred button when you visit golfsmarter dot com. And now let's listen to this
week's episode of Joanne's podcast in this story. In this story, I publish
a book. I'm joe Anne Green. Most of us fall into the category
of either farmer types or hunter gatherers. Farmers think long term, they plan,
and then they wait. Yours true not a far with relatively quick reaction
time and a short attention span. I'm better suited to have been a hunter
gatherer, which is why, as an urban animal in the latter part of
the twentieth century, I found myself writing five minute newscasts and sixty second radio
features. It's also why it's hard for me to believe that. Over many
years, with the help of writing coaches and editors, I have written and
published a full length book, Crazy by Accident, a memoir of letting go,
tells the story of how it took getting hit by a car, braving
a major hurricane, and surviving a month long stint with cancer for me to
learn how to slow down and trust that it was okay to relinquish control.
Control I learned is a seductive illusion that people don't like me because of how
much I accomplish, but rather because of who I am, and if they
don't like me, that's okay too. I came to understand that while optimism
has its limits, gratitude does not. You can feel through your grief and
anger and even feel sorry for yourself as long as you keep moving forward,
one foot in front of the other. Everyone's parent or grandparent had sayings that
they'd repeat at nauseum. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger was one
that I particularly hated. It's also fueled my recovery time and again. Count
your Blessings may win the Best Advice award. It's certainly the cheapest, safest,
most accessible antidote to self pity I've ever encountered, and this too shall
pass if you really consider it. It's a reminder that whatever pain you're suffering,
be it physical or emotional, is temporary, unless, of course,
it's not. What enabled me to embark upon an ultimately complete a long term
project, I moved beyond the perceived need to get whatever it was done as
soon as possible. I acknowledge that while I'd been paid to write things for
decades, I knew virtually nothing about writing a memoir. So I found experts
to enlist and invested time and money in my own growth, and then I
stuck with it. When Brooke Warner of She Writes Press told me that she'd
publish my book if I agreed to hire a developmental editor, then a copy
editor, and finally a proofreader, I said absolutely all of that made my
book better, and now years later, I'm proud of the work. How
does it feel to have spilled my guts and shared my most vulnerable moments in
print and an audiobook. It's a question I'm choosing not to ask myself,
at least not yet