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This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to kf I Am six forty,

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the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty.

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You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Welsh

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Show where I love. You know. I just had a latte in the

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afternoon, late afternoon, early evening. Does this mean I'm going to be

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up all night? I can feel
the cream in my throat. Sorry about

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that if you are new to my
show. I have a PhD in clinical

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psychology, but I'm obsessed with the
science of love. I've written three books

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on relationships, did a dissertation on
attachment theory, and I love love.

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I love how difficult it is,
how challenging it is, how euphoric it

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is, how exciting it is,
and how it involves a lot of thinking

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and problem solving. That's what I
like about it. One of the things

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people ask me from time to time
is is ever too late? You know?

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I remember my mom actually died of
breast cancer when I was thirty.

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A little did we know that my
dad was going to die of lung cancer

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a few months later? But I
remember coming home from the funeral of my

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mom and saying to my dad and
he was, I think the ripe old

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age of fifty nine, and saying
to him, are you do you think

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you'll ever marry again? And wrong
time to ask, but you know nothing

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like the present, and he said, oh no, not at my age.

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You see. Back then, that
was this idea that if you lost

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your first mate or your primary mate, or your secure attachment figure and you

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are of a certain age, that
maybe there was no chance for you.

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But things have changed, you know. I always say that because of our

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very long life expectancies, even the
most monogamous people might find themselves having one

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or two or even three long stints
of monogamy because we're living so long and

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very few people meet their quote unquote
soulmate. Hate that when they're in their

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early twenties and then stay together until
death, do they part. In fact,

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I hate it when people say that
a relationship is a failed relationship.

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You know, the only failed relationship
is the one that you stay in when

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you're being hurt and you're failing to
grow within it. That's a failed relationship.

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If you look at duration as the
only litmus test then you're not understanding

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intimacy. But I digress. The
question is is it too late ever to

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find love? Well, I'm about
to get married in a few weeks.

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Oh my gosh, ron like the
one month countdown now, and there's so

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much to do. I've been printing
menus and folding ribbons around napkins, and

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I made my own big wedding garland
at a preserved eucalyptus I had. I'm

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doing a real diy thing. It's
so much fun. And I noticed that

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Remember I always say that relationships are
a between tribes, and even if you

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don't have like a traditional tribe,
when two people marry or divorce for that

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matter, when the bridge is blown
up or when the bridge is extended,

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it impacts how everybody in your orbit
relates in their own social world. They

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have an impact in some way.
I am literally feeling certain friends moving away,

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like in other words, they needed
to me, need to be their

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single girlfriend. And then I'm feeling
these other friends moving forward and getting closer

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to me. So it's really fascinating, and pay attention to that. I

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was up at my wedding venue a
couple of weeks ago doing a tech walk

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through. That's we've got to do
nowadays, a tech walk through for the

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wedding. Where the speaker is going
to go, there's going to be a

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mic, it's a hardwired bluetooth.
Where's the music coming from? iPad whatever?

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Anyway, So I'm doing a tech
walk through with the person who's helping

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me, and I happen to meet
the owner of the vineyard and the wedding

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facility and he said to me,
by the way, he said, I

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am getting Mary or I think he'd
just gotten married, but he had planned

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to hold the reception on the same
day as my wedding, and he said,

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I had to give up my wedding
day for you. Now, this

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was a very spry man of age
eighty five. And I said to him,

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where did you meet your new wife? He said, women are everywhere,

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especially at my age, and I
needed to get a wife. Actually,

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a cute little story. You know
why he owns a big wedding venue

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because he's a good dad. And
once upon a time he built a vineyard

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and a tasting room for his adult
daughter because she wanted to have a tasting

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room, and she did and he
goes in. Then after three years she

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got so bored with it, she
left. She'd know what to do,

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he said. So I decided I'd
just keep reducing grapes and put weddings in

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there. Anyway, eighty five years
old, a newlywed, very happy.

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And then the other day I made
an eighty seven year old woman and she

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is going through a divorce. I
guess at any time, you could just

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go enough, right, And she
whispers to me, you know, I

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reconnected with someone that I dated forty
five years ago. And I said,

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ooh, did you get a tingle? She said, I did. This

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is my point that the feelings don't
have an expiration date. Come on,

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if you're listening to me, I
want you right now to think about the

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first love of your life. Huh, you feel it in your stomach a

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little bit? Right? The feelings
are real now. Across the lifespan,

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we do change. We change who
we are, what role we're playing.

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We change our type and who were
interested in. I mean, when I

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was a young woman, I just
wanted gorgeous tall athletes, didn't we all

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right? Evolutionary psychologists would say that
that would be my reproductive urges getting into

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play there. But now I like
nerdy intellectuals right, So why is it

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that people change their romantic type?
And your type might be like what people

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look like, what kind of personality
they have, what your shared interests are

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like to do together, or your
core values. You know, there are

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tons of people who might, in
a different time of their life, been

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like I only did blanz, I
only did tall, duck and handsome,

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and then all of a sudden,
it's something completely different later. So why

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do people change their type sometimes?
And I would say this is the case

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for me. They just decide to
make a conscious change. Here's an interesting

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little piece of research I came across. Did you know that the more extroverted

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you are and the more open experiences, the more likely you are to change

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your type. Makes sense if you're
open to new experiences. So people who

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are extroverts and more open, that's
me. They're open to meeting different kinds

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of people and getting out of their
comfort zone. But you know, sometimes

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we make a conscious change because we've
evolved. Our values, change, our

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hobbies, change, our career changes, our priorities shift. Maybe we've done

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the work and gone to therapy and
said I'm not going to pick that type

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again. That type hurts. I
don't like that. But also you might

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have a different type later in life
just because your life circumstances have changed.

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I mean, think about it.
In young adulthood, you're looking for a

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mate if you want to reproduce,
who you can raise kids with. Right,

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So it's a different set of things
that you're looking for, maybe financial

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stability or somebody who's family orient right. As people move into midlife, it's

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more common that they're looking for emotional
intimacy and good companionship. And later in

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life it's all about companionship. It's
all about mutual care. I have always

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said that a relationship is an exchange
of care. The care can take many

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different forms, but as we age, it is often instrumental care, taking

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care of each other as our bodies
start to slowly fail us. So,

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but if you have been choosing the
wrong kind of person forever, I think

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you need to talk to your therapist
and make one of these conscious choices.

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Hey, producer, Kayla, you
with us? Alis here? You are?

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There? You are? Do you
remember your first love? Of course?

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And do you get a little tingle
in your tummy? Mmm? No,

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I mean we still talk. He's
cool. He was like, oh,

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but oh you wouldn't go back with
him at all. Now you're tip

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to change, No, but I
still care about him and I always check

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in and make sure that he's good. That is so nice. Yeah.

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Well, when we come back,
if you're meeting somebody new or you wanted

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to rekindle with the old, let's
talk about how you can actually jumpstart emotional

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intimacy. I know I've talked about
the thirty six questions to fall in love

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before, but I'm gonna tell you
which ones if you had to narrow it

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down to like ten of them,
which ones you should actually be asking in

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your dating life. Also, I
was on a podcast this week and the

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podcast person who interviewed me said,
what are the most common questions if you

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will ask you and I'll share them
with you. And in addition, she

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said, is there any one question
that completely stumps you? Yes, and

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I'll share that with you too.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls

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Show on k I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from KFI AM six forty AFI

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Am six forty. You have Doc
Wendy Walsh with you. This is the

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Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Missy,
That's what I think love is being able

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to really see someone and accept them
for who they are, but most importantly,

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knowing that your intimate can see you
completely, even with your flaws,

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and still love you, and maybe
most of all, you still love yourself,

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knowing that you're real. I want
to remind everybody that there are very

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few rights and wrongs. There are
a lot of lessons we learn along the

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way. Someone said to me the
other day, Doctor Wendy, I don't

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know how you put all that personal
stuff out there on social media. Don't

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you feel shame? And I said, why, It's just human experience.

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It's just me trying to understand in
this case past relationships, and I roll

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in it and everyone's roll in it. There's been a lot of research on

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what it is to fall in love, what does it take, and what

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are the things people should be doing
and talking about in the early stages of

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dating. I should pause here to
say you could do it at any time

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of your relationship. In fact,
us thinking about it. Four years ago,

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when Julio and I met, we
did the thirty six Questions to fall

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in love. I think we are
ready for a reboot. So back in

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nineteen ninety seven, a psychologist by
the name of doctor Arthur Aaron at Stonybrook

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University in New York came up with
thirty six questions to fall in love.

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He formulated this list back in nineteen
ninety seven. It was published in the

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New York Times. It became so
popular around the world that the New York

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Times even made an app Now what
is the goal? The goal was to

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speed up the creation of emotional intimacy
between two strangers. So he tested it

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on one heterosexual man heterosexual woman.
He gave them this list of thirty six

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questions. It takes about ninety minutes
to complete. So good first date thing,

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maybe second or third date. At
the end, he did another experiment

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which has been replicated all over the
place. They've put people in a lab

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strangers and said, all I want
you to do is look into each other's

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eyes for four minutes. Do you
know how that squeamish that is? Oh?

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Yeah, it makes people feel like, oh my goodness, they can

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see into my soul. And I
guess what they found is that people will

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report feelings of love. So what
doctor Aaron did is he took this couple

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total strangers, had them ask each
other the thirty six questions. Then he

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had them stare into each other's eyes
for four minutes, and guess what,

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the couple got married six months later. So what is it about these magical

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questions? And I'll tell you,
And I'll tell you what he did was

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brilliant because it's kind of a slow
build. If you go on a date

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with somebody and the first thing you
say is you know, tell me about

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your trauma. What do you fear
most in the world, somebody's going to

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go running, because that's way to
TMI. It's way too intimate, too

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soon. So it starts off with
what you might perceive as lightweight rapport building,

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things like, given the choice of
anyone in the world, who would

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you want as a dinner guest and
why? I often ask that as an

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icebreaker question in some of my classes
that I teach, because it tells you

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who they're a fan of, something
about their value system, et cetera.

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You might ask somebody you ever thought
would you like to be FAMS? And

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if so, for what you know, there are many people would be like,

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no, I don't like to speak
in front of crowds. What did

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you just learn there? They're an
introvert or maybe they just have a lot

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of shame about public stuff. Right
then positive things again, just rapport building.

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What would constitute a perfect day for
you? So you're getting into their

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imaginations and you're sharing your answering.
You're both answering both questions. By the

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way, I love the long getting
the brain to go into long term thinking

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because if you're on a first or
second or third date, you want someone

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to be thinking what could happen down
the road. So one of the questions

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is, if you were able to
live until the age of ninety and retain

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either your mind or your body of
a thirty year old for the last sixty

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years of your life, which would
you want? Isn't that a cute question?

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Mind or your body? Because if
somebody's as my body, then you

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know something about their values and what's
important. Right. Maybe they're highly sexual,

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Maybe they believe in the youth culture
we have that they would choose their

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body over their in my head is
just swimming with that idea. I would

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never in a million years choose my
body over my mind. Mind always comes

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first, and then somewhere even just
in the first date, you might One

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of the questions is name three things
that you think you and I already have

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in common. So the brain is
already getting into couple life. It's looking

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for reasons to be together. Then
it gets a little deeper, right the

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thirty six questions to fall in love
go to things like what do you value

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most in friendship? What's your most
treasured memory, what's your most awful memory?

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See what roles do love and affection
lay in your life. I remember

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years ago I was on a date
with somebody and he wouldn't ever touch me

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in public. And I realized after
we talked about it, it was just

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a cultural thing. His family didn't
and he didn't and they didn't. He

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just hated PDAs public displays of perfection. Also in the section two is things

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like how close and warm is your
family? And then moving into the third

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section, it's again getting into the
WII make three we statements for us like,

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for instance, we're both in this
room and we're both feeling fill in

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the blank, maybe nervous. And
then it gets deeper and deeper. Of

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all the people in your family,
which death would you find most disturbing?

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And why now you know who their
primary attachment figure is. Right, if

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your house suddenly caught on fire,
after you got out your loved ones,

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after you got out your pets,
and you had time to go back for

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one more thing, what would be
that thing? Oh? I love this

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one. If you were going to
die tonight with no opportunity to communicate with

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anyone, what would you most regret
not having told someone? And why haven't

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you told them yet? So you're
already getting into the tender secrets that we

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hold close to our breast. By
the way, later in the show,

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I have a guest on and he
is a researcher on secrets and how secrets

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are so dangerous for us. Well, there are total of thirty six questions

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in thirty six questions to fall in
love, And if you were actually to

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take it's on an app you can
just downloaded. If you're actually to be

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alone with somebody in a room and
you were to both answer these sets of

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questions, as I said, it
takes about ninety minutes to two hours,

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So you know, have a drink, have a meal, keep chatting,

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and then take some time to really
stare into each other's eyes. The vast

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majority of people report feelings of love
because it's emotional intimacy. And why do

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I harp on emotional intimacy because there's
so much research to show that it is

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the ultimate glue that holds a relationship
together. It's not about the sex,

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it's not about the money. And
if it is about the section and the

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money, for you, you're not
in a real relationship. It's about the

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emotional connection. It's like our intimate
relationships are. If you be my mommy,

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I'll be your mommy. Right,
we all get baby like in those

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moments, all right, when we
come back. I was on a podcast

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this week and the host asked me, what are the most common questions Dr

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Wendy that you get asked? And
I rattled them off with the answers I'm

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gonna share with you when we come
back. You are listening to the Doctor

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Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six
forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio

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app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.

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No, it's it smelled bad.
I wouldn't be loving you, I

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wouldn't be hugging you. Not if
you smell bad. Kay if I am

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six forty, you have doctor Wendy
Walsh with you. This is the Doctor

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Wendy Walsh Show, wishful thinking gentlemen. In fact, the number one reason

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that people say they don't like a
particular partner is poor personal hygiene. So

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take your showers, folks. We're
in a heat wave. Take a shower,

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stay cool. Uh, Kayla,
do you know who? Jenna Kramer

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is a country in western sing She
has an iHeart podcast. Oh, I've

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never heard of her. Well,
she has a podcast called a Wine Down,

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but the wine is spelt like I'm
whining to wind down. And I've

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been on a broadcast a few times. She's very bright. But she wanted

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to talk to me this week about
weddings because she's getting married and so.

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But at the end of the interview
we chatted for quite a while, she

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said, h are there any questions
like you don't know the answer to?

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Wait? Wait, let me first
say one of the most common questions people

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ask you. And so I thought, and I rattled it down to three.

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And Kayla, maybe you agree with
me because you go into my social

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media and get all those dms and
get those questions and I know there's some

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So if there's one I'm missing,
let me know after I tell you what

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I think. My top three questions
are that people ask, okay, uh.

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The first one is one hundred percent, I guarantee. It's when to

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begin the sexual relationship in a brand
new relationship that came out. Yeah,

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that's always it. And you know, I used to say, well,

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you should have sex when you have
trust. It shouldn't be one week or

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two weeks or thirty days. You
know. I wrote a book called The

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Thirty Day Love Detoks based on once. The title was based on one study

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that said that if you have sex
within thirty days of meeting somebody, you

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have a ninety percent chance of being
broken up within one year. If you

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wait only ninety days, then you
have a one in four chance you'll be

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together a year later. This has
to do that with the fact you use

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those ninety days to build that emotional
intimacy. Right. So my answer now

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is kind of like, you know, because people are like, well,

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I don't know, I don't have
a good picker, and my stomach doesn't

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tell me, and I don't know
when I can trust them, And so

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you can't trust somebody until you've tested
them. And I say this to people

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of all genders, not that you're
going to openly manipulate somebody and set up

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these weird situations to see if they
pass or fail. But life will do

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that for you. All you have
to do is be observant, right and

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stop letting your brain go. Well, you know he was away in New

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York and they don't have phones in
New York. I understand he'll call me

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when he comes back. You know
that's rationalizing forgiving whatever. No, you

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should instead be like, uh,
he failed, You left me for two

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weeks and hasn't checked in, so
obviously he doesn't want me to share my

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body with him in the future in
my heart. So you see, what

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you need to do is watch,
be a watcher, and then you'll know

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when it's safe to have sex in
a new relationship. It is the oldest

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trade in the history of mankind.
Women attempt to trade sex in exchange for

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love. I will remind you that
men do not fall in love through sex.

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A dude can have sex with the
same woman every week for six months

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and not like are one bit more
than he did the first week? If

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in her his mind that's the category
all right. I would say the second

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most common question I get is a
couple question, and it is can a

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couple recover from an affair? We
get that a lot, don't we,

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kayleb cover someone finds out that somebody
else cheated and we get back into love.

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And the answer is yes. But
both people have to want to Both

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people have to want to do the
work, so it can't be like one

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person. I mean, some people
use an affair just to exit the relationship.

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They don't know how to break up, so they just act out until

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the other person pushes them out.
I was actually on a set, you

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know, I shoot these videos for
this wonderful app called Local Now, and

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I do a bunch of you know, relationship and self help and stuff and

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talk about the research and uh.
It was a set with all guys like

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guys at lighting, audio, teleprompter, camera, guys, whatever. And

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I said, hey, gentlemen,
how do you guys, what's the most

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common way that guys break up with
a woman? And I swear like half

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of them said, you just start
dating somebody else, like you don't even

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tell them. I'm like, oh, so sometimes that's when a fair is.

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But if both people, you know, want to keep the relationship.

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If there's a good reason, like
there's children in the nest, it is

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possible. You need a therapist,
and it's going to take time. But

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both people have to want you,
all right. And the third one is

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also a couple of one. I
get uh. People say, you know,

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doctor Wendy, I love my spouse, but I'm not actually in love

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with them anymore. What do I
do? And I always say, you

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have gone from lust to love and
you're in companionship love or intellectual commitment love.

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And what you're really saying is what
can we do to feel more passionate

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about each other? And there are
all kinds of things you can do,

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which I'm actually going to talk about
in the next segment after the break.

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I want to talk about what if
your wife doesn't seem to want sex anymore?

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What can you do? There's some
things. This is all psychology,

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folks, basic psychology. Kayla.
Is there any major question you think I

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missed that gets asked a lot?
The only thing I can think about is

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communication questions. How often reach out
or like, all right, it's my

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partner, and yeah, the timing
about reaching out well, how often and

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whether the text or phone thing always
has to do with attachment style, right

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If somebody has an anxious attachment style, they want to they're going to be

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wanting to be in constant contact right
away. They're going to be like,

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they didn't text me, four hours
have gone by, Oh my god,

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what am I going to do?
What's normal? They say, what is

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normal? What's a normal amount of
communication? And the truth is, there's

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no such thing as a rule that
this must happen for every couple. There's

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no normal. It's how do you
feel about it. If it's not enough

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communication for you, then it's not
a good match. Right then, before

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we got off, Jana Kramer asked
me, is there a question that often

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stumps you, doctor Wendy, And
the answer is, yeah, the questions

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about polyamory. Because even though we've
had guests on the show who are polyamorous,

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who have researched polyamory, we do
know, Okay, the research is

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clear, it's not for everybody.
In fact, it's for about five percent

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of the population because the rest of
us have sexual jealousy that we are not

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putting to bed. It's there.
We are passionate about our partner and we

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don't want to share so. And
I also worry and protect those who may

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enter into an open relationship because a
fear because they think their partner will leave

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them if they don't. And that
is no reason to do it. But

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if two people manage to control,
manage whatever they're sexual jealousy and it works

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for them, who am I to
moralize? But it does stump me.

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I don't understand it, Kyla,
do you understand it? Could it ever

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work for you? It's too new
and I'm way too jealous. Yeah,

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yeah, I think I'm way too
jealous too. I can't put that away.

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It's there, Uh, speaking of
voice, I wonder where Julio is

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right now? No, I'm joking, all right, when we come back.

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There is some research on why in
long term monogamy, long term heterosexual

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monogamous relationship, women's sexual desire often
but not always, often declines. Let's

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talk about why and dudes, what
you can do about it. You are

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00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:03.960
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on

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00:27:04.119 --> 00:27:10.720
demand from KFI Am six forty,
Hem I am six forty. You have

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00:27:10.839 --> 00:27:14.799
doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I

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want to remind everybody I'm not a
therapist, and I'm certainly not a sex

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therapist. I'm a psychology professor,
but I read the research intently. It's

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00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:26.160
funny. One of my students said
to me one time, Oh, my

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00:27:26.200 --> 00:27:30.119
mom loves to listen to you,
said, oh, your professor is that

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00:27:30.839 --> 00:27:33.359
sex doctor on the radio. And
I'm like, I don't talk about sex

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00:27:33.400 --> 00:27:38.119
that much except when I do,
and everybody remembers it then. But it

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always has to do with my interest
in the research and educating people on what

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happens out there according to the data, so that we can handle our own

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lives well enough. So I wanted
to talk a little bit something that is

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00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:03.559
kind of common question that's always put
to me, and it's often by heterosexual

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00:28:03.640 --> 00:28:07.519
men who say, my wife doesn't
want to have sex anymore. What do

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I do? So, first of
all, it's normal. Women's sexual desire

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often declines during long term monogamy.
Now not always. I can hear you

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00:28:22.680 --> 00:28:26.839
hear the emails flying in right now, because I myself have been in a

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relationship where I had the high desire
and the partner had the low desire.

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But it's never going to be equal
and matched all the time. I mean

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that would be like some romantic comedy
movie, you know. So let's talk

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about what the research says of some
of the reasons why women's sexual desire tends

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to decline during long term monogamy.
So you might be surprise to hear this,

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guys, but women often find sex
boring. Not all women and not

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all the time. There is research
to support the idea, yeah, that

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00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:07.200
women actually need more novelty than men
do in their sexual relationship. For men,

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it is a little more like a
physical act. It's a cleaning of

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00:29:11.559 --> 00:29:15.160
the pipes, if you will.
It's something that just happens. It's more

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spontaneous. However, with women,
we may need a new candle, a

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NIGHTI, new sheets, a new
room, a new position, a new

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place. It doesn't have to be
a new partner, folks. Okay,

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00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:33.839
it doesn't have to be that.
When we talk about novelty, but something

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00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:41.160
different and that can ignite things for
women. The other thing is women's sexual

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00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:45.640
desire, according to the research,
tends to be responsive, meaning that it

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00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:52.079
goes underground until something shows up that
turns us on. Now, we are

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00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:56.799
not visually wired, so that's something
that shows up that turns us on.

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00:29:56.519 --> 00:30:02.039
Probably isn't you walking into the room, dude. It could be reading fifty

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00:30:02.039 --> 00:30:07.880
Shades of Gray, or reading a
Harlequin romance, or going on a vacation

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00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:12.440
to a balmy beach wearing a bathing
suit and feeling the warm wind tickle our

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00:30:12.480 --> 00:30:18.799
skin. Right, that's a response
and a trigger that might make something show

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00:30:18.880 --> 00:30:26.400
up. And another thing for women, not all women again, Okay,

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00:30:26.799 --> 00:30:30.240
I can hear you high testosterone emotionally
avoidant women who are like I could just

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00:30:30.319 --> 00:30:33.559
have sex for sex's sake. I
don't care about all this other stuff.

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00:30:33.599 --> 00:30:36.680
Okay, fine, right to me, I got it. But for most

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00:30:36.680 --> 00:30:41.680
women, sex is also deeply intertwined
with their emotional life. And nothing will

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00:30:41.759 --> 00:30:49.799
kill a sex drive faster in a
woman than anger, especially unspoken anger if

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00:30:49.880 --> 00:30:55.559
she's unable to have a voice to
express it or fear. Fear is not

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00:30:55.599 --> 00:30:57.640
a good thing. How do you
get your body to relax if you're afraid

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of a guy, intimidated by a
guy, or if you're angry with him.

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So ask yourself what's going on emotionally
for her? Another thing Sex for

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00:31:10.559 --> 00:31:14.519
women is often about body image.
It's deeply connected to their body image.

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00:31:14.759 --> 00:31:19.319
How beautiful we feel. Just like
note to dudes out there, Instead of

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00:31:19.319 --> 00:31:22.440
saying you never give me sex,
I want it more, why don't you

403
00:31:22.480 --> 00:31:29.599
just help her feel beautiful, Tell
her she's gorgeous. That might create a

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00:31:29.640 --> 00:31:36.119
spark. And finally, and this
is true, women are exhausted. We're

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00:31:36.200 --> 00:31:41.000
tired. If your wife is working
full time and raising kids and maintaining the

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00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:44.920
house and getting taking care of everybody, at the end of the day,

407
00:31:44.960 --> 00:31:48.039
she has to attend to your needs
too. Uh uh uh. She just

408
00:31:48.079 --> 00:31:49.480
wants to get some sleep, right, she just wants to get some sleep.

409
00:31:51.079 --> 00:31:55.759
So what do you do? Well, the most important thing is you

410
00:31:55.799 --> 00:32:01.559
want to openly communicate, not blame, not a hughes, not guilt somebody.

411
00:32:02.200 --> 00:32:07.359
Just say things like, just observe, Hey, I noticed in the

412
00:32:07.440 --> 00:32:10.279
last year or so, we've been
having a lot less sex. How do

413
00:32:10.319 --> 00:32:15.400
you feel about that? Or what's
that experience like for you? Just these

414
00:32:15.640 --> 00:32:21.640
open ended questions that get her to
talk for sure, for sure when you're

415
00:32:21.640 --> 00:32:29.319
communicating this, please do not beg
There is nothing more un sexy than someone

416
00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:32.400
begging for sex or getting angry about
not Like, who's going to look at

417
00:32:32.440 --> 00:32:35.799
a guy and go, oh,
I see you're so mad at me because

418
00:32:35.839 --> 00:32:37.680
I don't have sex with you.
Okay, I'm going to relax and open

419
00:32:37.759 --> 00:32:40.720
up for you doning. No,
it's not gonna work that way, So

420
00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:45.519
just talk about it. Talk about
what your experience liked and your feelings,

421
00:32:45.799 --> 00:32:50.720
and talk about what they're feelings.
But do it with a licensed sex therapist.

422
00:32:50.759 --> 00:32:53.759
There are lots of psychologists out there
who hold a license. You can

423
00:32:53.839 --> 00:33:04.279
talk candidly, safely, comfortably in
their office. Together, make your lady,

424
00:33:04.880 --> 00:33:10.319
your woman, your wife feel special
and desired. You know. There

425
00:33:10.319 --> 00:33:15.599
are some guys out there who think
if they can make her feel afraid that

426
00:33:15.720 --> 00:33:22.240
they will leave, then maybe she
will worry about their needs. But it

427
00:33:22.559 --> 00:33:27.640
usually doesn't work that way. So
saying things like well, if I don't

428
00:33:27.640 --> 00:33:30.359
get it from you, you know
I might get it somewhere else, or

429
00:33:30.480 --> 00:33:35.480
just teasing her with us. It's
a new girl at work, you know.

430
00:33:36.000 --> 00:33:38.680
If you do all that I'm telling
you, her body shuts down more

431
00:33:38.680 --> 00:33:44.880
than ever because she starts to feel
angry. Instead, say things like,

432
00:33:45.240 --> 00:33:47.200
not only don't only I see the
other thing? When you're helping her feel

433
00:33:47.240 --> 00:33:52.559
beautiful, It shouldn't only be about
her physical beauty. And I'm going to

434
00:33:52.599 --> 00:33:54.839
share something with you. So when
I was young, I was a ten.

435
00:33:54.880 --> 00:33:58.759
I'm sorry I can say it because
it is true. You can find

436
00:33:58.920 --> 00:34:01.039
modeling pictures of me on life and
I'm sure I was a ten. I

437
00:34:01.119 --> 00:34:06.319
was so sick and tired of every
guy in the world telling me, Oh,

438
00:34:06.319 --> 00:34:07.760
you're so beautiful. I'm so attracted
to you, You're so beautiful.

439
00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:13.360
It's nothing I did to make that
happen. It's just I was a member

440
00:34:13.400 --> 00:34:17.119
of the Lucky Jean Club. Okay, nothing I did when a guy said

441
00:34:17.119 --> 00:34:22.519
to me, Hey, you're really
smart. I love the way you thought

442
00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:27.719
that. Oh you're so articulate.
When I hear that, I go,

443
00:34:27.840 --> 00:34:32.679
oh, I feel special, I
feel desired. And finally, I have

444
00:34:32.719 --> 00:34:37.639
to say this, gentleman, do
your share of the household labor. Do

445
00:34:37.719 --> 00:34:39.239
what you need to do, because
if she's too tired, she's too tired.

446
00:34:39.760 --> 00:34:45.199
So you know what four play is
for a woman watching a man load

447
00:34:45.239 --> 00:34:49.800
the dishwasher, Just saying that's what
the research says on this, folks.

448
00:34:49.960 --> 00:34:52.400
Hey, when we come back,
I am going to go to my social

449
00:34:52.480 --> 00:34:54.119
media and I'm going to answer a
few of your questions, not the ones

450
00:34:54.119 --> 00:35:00.280
that I told you are common I
got some new and quite interesting questions coming

451
00:35:00.360 --> 00:35:04.079
up. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty.

452
00:35:04.159 --> 00:35:08.920
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy

453
00:35:08.920 --> 00:35:13.320
Walsh. You can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty from seven

454
00:35:13.320 --> 00:35:16.880
to nine pm on Sunday and anytime
on demand on the iHeartRadio app