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In the Mirror by Valery Bryusov.
I have loved mirrors from my very earliest

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years. As an infant, I
wept and trembled as I looked into their

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transparently truthful depths. My favorite game
as a child was to walk up and

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down the room or the garden,
holding a mirror in front of me,

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gazing into its abyss, walking over
the edge at every step, and breathless

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with giddiness and terror. Even as
a girl, I began to put mirrors

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all over my room, large and
small, ones, true and slightly distorted

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ones, some precise and others a
little dull. I got into the habit

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of spending whole hours, whole days
in the midst of intercrossing worlds which ran

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one into the other, trembled,
vanished, and then reappeared again. It

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became a singular passion of mine to
give my body to these soundless distances,

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these echoless perspectives, these separate universes
cutting across our own and existing despite our

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consciousness in the same place and at
the same time with it. This protracted

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actuality, separated from us by the
smooth surface of glass, drew me towards

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itself by a kind of intangible touch
dragged me forward as to an abyss a

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mystery. I was drawn towards the
apparition which always rose up before me when

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I came near a mirror, and
which strangely doubled my being. I strove

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to guess how this other woman was
differentiated from myself, how it was possible

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that my right hand should be her
left, and that all the fingers of

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this hand should change places, though
certainly on one of them was my wedding

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ring. My thoughts were confused when
I attempted to probe this enigma, to

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solve it. In this world where
everybody could be touched, where voices were

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heard, I lived actually in that
reflected world which it was only possible to

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contemplate. Was she phantasmally? She
was almost as myself, and yet not

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at all myself. She repeated all
my movements, but not one of these

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movements exactly coincided with those I made. She that other knew something I could

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not divine. She held a secret
eternally hidden from my understanding. But I

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noticed that each mirror had its own
separate and special world. Put two mirrors

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in the very same place, one
after the other, and there will arise

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two different universes, and in different
mirrors there rose up before me different apparitions,

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all of them like me, but
never exactly like one another. In

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my small hand mirror lived a naive
little girl with clear eyes, reminding me

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of my early youth. In my
circular boudoor mirror was hidden a woman who

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knew all the diverse sweetness of caresses, shameless, free, beautiful, daring.

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In the oblong mirrors of the wardrobe
door there always appeared a stern figure,

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imperious, cold, inexorable. I
knew still other doubles of myself in

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my dressing glass, in my folding
gold framed triptych, in a hanging mirror,

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in the oaken frame, in the
little neck mirror, and in many

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other mirrors, which I treasured to
all the beings hiding themselves in these mirrors,

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I gave the possibility and the pretext
to develop according to the strange conditions

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of their world. They must take
the form of the person who stands before

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the glass, But under this borrowed
exterior they preserved their own personal characteristics.

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There were some worlds of mirrors which
I loved, others which I hated,

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and some of them I loved to
walk up and down for whole hours,

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losing myself in their attractive expense.
Others I fled from in my secret heart.

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I did not love all my doubles. I knew that they were all

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hostile toward me, if only for
the fact that they were forced to clothe

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themselves in my hated likeness. But
some of these mirror women I pitied,

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I forgave their hate, and felt
almost friendly to them. There were some

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whom I despised, and I loved
to laugh at their powerless fury. There

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were some whom I mocked by my
own and daeans, and tortured by my

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power over them. There were others, on the other hand, of whom

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I was afraid, who were too
strong for me, and who dared,

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in their turn to mock at me, to command me. I hastened to

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get rid of the mirrors where these
women lived. I would not look in

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them. I hid them, gave
them away, even broke some in pieces.

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But every time I destroyed a mirror, I wept for whole days after,

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conscious of the fact that I had
broken to pieces. A distinct universe

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and reproachful faces stared at me from
the broken fragments of the world. I

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had destroyed the mirror with which my
fate was to become linked. I bought

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one autumn at a sale of some
sort. It was a large peer glass

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swinging on screws. I was struck
by the unusual clarity of its reflection.

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The phantasmal actuality in it was changed
by the slightest inclination of the glass,

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but it was independent and vital to
the edges. When I examined this peer

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glass at the sale, the woman
who reflected me in it it looked me

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in the eyes with a kind of
haughty challenge. I did not wish to

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give in to her, to show
that she had frightened me, So I

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bought the glass and ordered it to
be placed in my boudoir. As soon

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as I was alone in the room, I immediately went up to the new

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mirror and fixed my eyes upon my
rival. But she did the same to

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me, and standing opposite one another, we began to transfix each other with

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our glance, as if we had
been snakes. In the pupils of her

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eyes was my reflection in mine hers. My heart sank and my head swam

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from her intent gaze. But at
length. By an effort of will,

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I tore my eyes away from those
other eyes, tipped the mirror with my

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foot so that it began to swing, rocking the image of my rival pitifully

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to and fro, and went out
of the room. From that hour our

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strife began. In the evening of
the first day of our meeting, I

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did not dare to go near the
new peer glass. I went to the

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theater with my husband, laughed exaggeratedly, and was apparently light hearted. On

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the march, in the clear light
of a September day, I went boldly

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into my boudoir alone and designedly sat
down directly in front of the mirror.

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At the same moment she, the
other woman, also came in at the

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door to meet me, crossed the
room, and then she too sat down

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opposite me. Our eyes met in
hers. I read hatred towards myself.

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In mine, she read hatred towards
her. Our second duel began a duel

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of eyes. Two unyielding glances,
commanding, threatening, hypnotizing. Each of

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us strove to conquer the other's will, to break down her resistance, to

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force her to submit to another's desire. It would have been a painful scene

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for an onlooker to witness two women
sitting opposite each other without moving, joined

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together by the magnetic attraction of each
other's gaze, and almost losing consciousness under

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the psychical stream. Suddenly someone called
me. The infatuation vanished. I got

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up and left the room. After
this, our duels were renewed every day.

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I realized that this adventuress had purposely
forced herself into my home to destroy

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me and take my place in this
world. But I had not sufficient strength

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to deny myself this struggle. In
this rivalry, there was a kind of

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secret intoxication. The very possibility of
defeat had hidden in it a sort of

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sweet seduction. Sometimes I forced myself
for whole days to keep away from the

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peer glass. I occupied myself with
business, with amusements. But in the

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depths of my soul was always hidden
the memory of the rival, who,

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in patience and self reliance, awaited
my return. I would go back to

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her, and she would step forth
in front of me, more triumphantly than

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ever, piercing me with her victorious
gaze and fixing me in my place before

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her. My heart would stop beating, and I, with a powerless fury

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would feel myself under the authority of
this gaze. So the days and weeks

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went by, our struggle continued,
but the preponderance showed itself more more definitely

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to be on the side of my
rival. And suddenly one day I realized

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that my will was in subjection to
her will, that she was already stronger

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than I. I was overcome with
terror. My first impulse was to flee

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from my home and go to another
town. But I saw at once that

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this would be useless. I should, all the same be overcome by the

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attractive force of this hostile will,
and be obliged to return to this room,

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to this mirror. Then there came
a second thought. To shatter the

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mirror, reduce my enemy to nothingness. But to conquer her by brutal strength

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would mean that I acknowledged her superiority
over myself. This would be humiliating.

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I preferred to remain and continue the
struggle to the end, even though I

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were threatened with defeat. Soon there
could be no doubt that my rival would

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triumph. At every meeting, there
was concentrated in her gaze still greater and

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greater power over me. Little by
little, I lost the possibility of letting

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a day pass without once going to
my mirror. She ordered me to spend

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several hours daily in front of her. She directed my will as a hypnotist

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directs the will of a sleep walker. She arranged my life as a mistress

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arranges the life of a slave.
I began to fulfill her demands. I

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became an automaton to her wordless orders. I knew that, deliberately, cautiously,

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she would lead me by an unavoidable
path to destruction, and I already

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made no resistance. I divined her
secret plan to cast me into the mirror

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world and to come forth herself into
our world. But I had no strength

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to hinder her. My husband and
my relatives, seeing me spend whole hours,

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whole days and nights in front of
my mirror, thought me demented and

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wanted to cure me. But I
dared not reveal the truth to them.

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I was forbidden to tell them all, the dreadful truth, all the horror

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towards which I was moving. One
of the December days before the holidays turned

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out to be the day of my
destruction. I remember everything, clearly,

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precisely, circumstantially. Nothing in my
remembrance is confused. As usual, I

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went into my boudoir early, at
the first beginnings of the winter dawn twilight.

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I placed a comfortable armchair without a
back in front of the mirror,

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sat down, and gave myself up
to her. Without any delay, she

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appeared in answer to my summons.
She too placed an armchair for herself.

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She too sat down and began to
gaze at me. A dark foreboding oppressed

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my soul, but I was powerless
to turn my face away, and I

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was forced to take to myself the
insolent gaze of my rival. The hours

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went by, the shadows began to
fall. Neither of us lighted a lamp.

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The glass of the mirror glimmered faintly
in the darkness. The reflections had

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become scarcely visible, but the self
reliant eyes gazed with their former strength.

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I felt neither terror nor ill will
as on other days, but simply an

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intolerable anguish and a bitter consciousness that
I was in the power of an other

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time swam away, and on its
tide, I also swam into infinity,

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into a black expanse of powerlessness and
lack of will. Suddenly, she that

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other. The reflected woman got up
from her chair. I trembled all over

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at this insult, But something invincible, something forcing me from within, compelled

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me also to stand up. The
woman in the mirror took a step forward.

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I did the same. The woman
in the mirror stretched forth her arms.

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I did so too, looking straight
at me with hypnotizing and commanding eyes.

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She moved forward, and I advanced
to meet her. And it was

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strange. With all the horror of
my position, with all my hate towards

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my rival, there fluttered somewhere in
the depths of my soul, a painful

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consolation, a secret joy to enter
at last into that mysterious world into which

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I had gazed from my childhood,
and which up till now had remained inaccessible

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to me. At moment, I
hardly knew which of us was drawing the

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other towards herself, she me or
I her, whether she was eager to

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occupy my place, or whether I
had devised all this struggle in order to

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displace her. But when moving forward
my hands touched hers on the glass,

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I turned quite pale with repugnance,
and she took my hand by force and

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drew me still nearer to herself.
My hands were plunged into the mirror as

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into burning icy water. The cold
of the glass penetrated into my body with

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a horrible pain, as if all
the atoms of my being had changed their

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mutual relationship. In another moment,
my face had touched the face of my

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rival. I saw her eyes right
in front of my own. I was

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transfused into her with a monstrous kiss. Everything vanished from me in a torment

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of suffering unlike any other. And
when I came to my senses after this

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swoon, I still saw in front
of me my own boudoir, on which

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I gazed from out of the mirror. My rival stood before me and burst

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into laughter, And I, oh
the cruelty of it. I, who

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was dying with humiliation into torture,
was obliged to laugh too, to repeat

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all her grimaces in a triumphant,
joyful laugh. I had not yet succeeded

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in considering my position when my rival
suddenly turned round, walked towards the door,

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vanished from my sight, and I
at once fell into torpor, into

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non existence. Then my life as
a reflection began. It was a strange,

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half conscious, but mysteriously sweet life. There were many of us in

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this mirror, darkened soul and slumbering
of consciousness. We could not speak to

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one another, but we felt each
other's proximity and loved one another. We

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could see nothing, we heard nothing
clearly, and our existence was like the

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enfeeblement that comes from being unable to
breathe. Only when a being from the

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world of men approached the mirror,
we, suddenly taking up his form,

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could look forward into the world,
could distinguish voices and breathe a full breath.

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I think that the life of the
dead is like that, a dim

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consciousness of one's ego, a confused
memory of the past, and an oppressive

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desire to be incarnated in you,
even if only for a moment, to

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see, to hear, to speak. And each of us cherished and concealed

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a secret dream to free one's self, to find for one's self a new

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body, to go out into the
world of constancy and steadfastness. During the

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first days, I felt myself absolutely
unhappy in my new position. I still

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knew nothing, understood nothing. I
took the form of my rival submissively and

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unthinkingly when she came near the mirror
and began to jeer at me, and

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she did this fairly often. It
afforded her great delight to flaunt her vitality

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before me her reality. She would
sit down and force me also to sit

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down, stand up and exult as
she saw me stand, wave her arms

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about dance, force me to repeat
her movements and burst out laughing, and

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continue to laugh, so that I
should have to laugh too. She would

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shriek insulting words in my face,
and I could make no answer to them.

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She would threaten me with her fist
and mock at my forced repetition of

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the gesture. She would turn her
back on me, and I, losing

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sight, losing features, would become
conscious of the shame of the half existence

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left to me. And then suddenly, with one blow, she would whirl

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the mirror round on its axle,
and with the oscillation, throw me completely

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into non entity. Little by little, however, the insults and humiliations awoke

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a consciousness in me. I realized
that my rival was now living my life,

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wearing my dresses, being considered as
my husband's wife, and occupying my

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place in the world. Then there
grew up in my soul a feeling of

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hate and a thirst for vengeance.
Like two fiery flowers. I began bitterly

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to curse myself for having, by
my weakness or my criminal curiosity, allowed

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her to conquer me. I arrived
at the conviction that this adventuress would never

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have triumphed over me if I myself
had not aided her in her wiles.

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And so as I became more familiar
with some of the conditions of my new

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existence, I resolved to continue with
her the same fight which she had carried

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on with me. If she a
shadow could occupy the place of a real

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woman, was it possible that I, a human being, and only temporarily

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a shadow, should not be stronger
than a phantom. I began from a

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very long way off. At first, I pretended that the mockery of my

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rival tormented me quite unbearably. I
purposely afforded her all the satisfaction of victory.

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I provoked in her the secret instinct
of the executioner throwing himself upon his

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helpless victim. She gave herself up
to this bait. She was attracted by

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this game with me. She put
forth the wings of her imagination and thought

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out new trials for me. She
invented thousands of whiles to show me over

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and over again, I was only
a reflection that I had no life of

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my own. Sometimes she played on
the piano in front of me, torturing

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me by the soundlessness of my world. Sometimes, seated before the mirror,

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she would drink in tiny SIPs my
favorite liqueurs, compelling me only to pretend

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that I also was drinking them.
Sometimes, at length, she would bring

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into my boudoir people whom I hated, and before my face, she would

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allow them to kiss her body,
letting them think that they were kissing me.

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And afterwards, when we were alone, she would burst into a malicious

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and triumphant laugh. But this laugh
did not wound me at all. There

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was sweetness in its keenness, my
expectation of revenge. Unnoticeably, in the

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hours of her insults to me,
I would accustom my rival to look me

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in the eyes, and I would
gradually overpower her gaze. Soon, at

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my will, I could already force
her to raise and lower her eyelids and

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make this and that movement of the
face. I had already begun to triumph.

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Though I hid my feeling under a
mask of suffering, strength of soul

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grew up within me. And I
began to dare to lay commands upon my

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enemy. Today you shall do so, and so to day you shall go

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to such and such a place.
Tomorrow you shall come to me at such

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a time, and she would fulfill
them. I entangled her soul in the

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nuts of my desires, woven together
with a strong thread in which I held

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her soul, and I secretly rejoiced
when I noticed my success. When one

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day, in the hour of her
laughter, she suddenly caught on my lips

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a victorious smile which I was unable
to hide. It was already too late.

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She rushed out of the room in
a fury. But as I fell

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into the sleep of my nonentity,
I knew that she would return. Knew

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that she would submit to me,
and a rapture of victory gushed out over

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my involuntary lack of strength, piercing
with a rainbow shaft of light the gloom

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of my seeming death. She did
return. She came up to me in

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anger, and a terror shrieked to
me, threatened me. But I was

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commanding her to do it, and
she was obliged to submit. Then began

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the game of a cat with a
mouse at any time, I could have

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cast her back into the depths of
the glass and come forth myself again into

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sounding and hard actuality. But I
delayed to do this. It was sweet

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to me to indulge in non existence. Sometimes it was sweet to me to

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intoxicate myself with the possibility. At
last. This is strange, is it

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not. There suddenly was aroused in
me a pity for my rival, for

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my enemy, for my executioner.
Everything in her was something of my own,

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and it was dreadful for me to
drag her forth from the realities of

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life, and to turn her into
a phantom. I hesitated, and dare

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not do it. I put it
off. From day to day I did

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not know myself what I wanted and
what I dreaded. And suddenly, on

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a clear spring day, men came
into the boudoir with planks and axes.

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There was no life in me.
I lay in the voluptuousness of torpor,

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but without seeing them I knew they
were there. The men began to busy

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themselves near the mirror, which was
my universe, and one after another the

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souls who lived in it with me
were awakened and took transparent flesh in the

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form of reflections, A dreadful uneasiness
agitated my slumbering soul with a presentiment of

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horror, a presentiment even of irretrievable
ruin. I gathered together all the might

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of my will, what efforts it
caused me to struggle against the lassitude of

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half existence, So living people sometimes
struggle with a nightmare, tearing themselves from

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its suffocating bands towards actuality. I
concentrated all the force of my suggestion into

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a summons directed towards her, towards
my rival. Come hither. I hypnotized

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her, magnetized her with all the
tension of my half slumbering will. There

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was little time. The mirror had
already begun to swing. They were already

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preparing to nail it up in a
wooden coffin, to take it away.

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Whither I knew not, And with
an almost more effort, I called again

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and again come, And I suddenly
began to feel that I was coming to

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life. She, my enemy,
opened the door, and came to meet

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me, pale, half dead,
in answer to my call, with faltering

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steps as men go to punishment.
I fastened my eyes on hers, bound

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up my gaze with hers, And
when I had done this, I knew

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already that I had gained the victory. I at once compelled her to send

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the men out of the room.
She submitted, without even making an attempt

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to oppose me. We were alone
together once more. To delay was no

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longer possible, and I could not
bring myself to forgive her craftiness in her

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place. In my time, I
should have acted otherwise. Now I ordered

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her, without pity, to come
to meet me. A moan of torture

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opened her lips, her eyes widened
as before a phantom, But she came,

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trembling, falling. She came.
I also went forward to meet her,

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lips curving triumphantly, eyes wide open
with joy, swaying in an intoxicating

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00:22:03,079 --> 00:22:07,400
rapture. Again, our hands touched
each others. Again, our lips came

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near together, and we fell each
into the other, burning with the indescribable

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pain of bodily exchange. In another
moment, I was already in front of

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the mirror. My breast filled itself
with air. I cried out loudly and

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victoriously, and fell just here in
front of the pure glass. Prone from

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exhaustion, My husband and the servants
ran towards me. I could only tell

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them to fulfill my previous orders and
take the mirror away out of the house

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at once. That was wisely thought, wasn't it. You see? She

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that other might have profited by my
weakness in the first minutes of my return

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to life, and by a desperate
assault, might have tried to wrest the

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victory from my hands. Sending the
mirror out of the house, I could

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insure my own quietude for a long
time as long as I liked. And

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my rival had earned such a punishment
for her cunning, I defeated her with

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00:22:59,279 --> 00:23:03,079
her own tool, with the blade
which she herself had raised against me.

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After having given this order, I
lost consciousness. They laid me on my

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bed, A doctor was called in. I was treated as suffering from a

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nervous fever. For a long while, my relatives had thought me ill and

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not normal. In the first outburst
of exultation, I told them all that

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had happened to me. My stories
only increased their suspicions. They sent me

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00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,200
to a home for the mentally afflicted. And I am there now. All

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00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:33,119
my being, I agree, is
profoundly shaken. But I do not want

316
00:23:33,119 --> 00:23:36,200
to stay here. I am eager
to return to the joys of life,

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to all the countless pleasures which are
accessible to a living human being. I

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have been deprived of them too long. Besides, shall I say it,

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there is one thing which I am
bound to do as soon as possible.

320
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I ought to have no doubt that
I am this. I, But all

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the same, whenever I begin to
think of her who is imprisoned in my

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mirror, I begin to be seized
by a strange hesitation. What if the

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real eye is there? Then I
myself who think this, I who write

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00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:11,839
this. I am a shadow.
I am a phantom. I am a

325
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:15,759
reflection. In me, are only
the poured forth remembrances, thoughts, and

326
00:24:15,799 --> 00:24:21,920
feelings of that other, the real
person, And in reality I am thrown

327
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:25,200
into the depths of the mirror.
In non entity, I am pining,

328
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:30,400
exhausted, dying. I know,
I almost know that this is not true.

329
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But in order to disperse the last
clouds of doubt, I ought again

330
00:24:33,559 --> 00:24:37,240
once more, for the last time, to see that mirror. I must

331
00:24:37,319 --> 00:24:42,039
look into it once more to be
convinced that there is the impostor, my

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00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:47,240
enemy, she who played my part
for some months. I shall see this,

333
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,960
and all the confusion of my soul
will pass away, and I shall

334
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:56,839
again be free from care, bright
happy. Where is this mirror? Where

335
00:24:56,839 --> 00:25:00,160
shall I find it? I must, I must once more look in to

336
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,000
its depths. End of in the
mirror,