WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:06.080
You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand KFI AM six forty. You

2
00:00:06.080 --> 00:00:09.279
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.

3
00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:15.599
I'd like to welcome my Instagram listeners
watchers if you'd like to. If you're

4
00:00:15.640 --> 00:00:19.120
an instagrammer and want to come into
the studio at iHeart, just log onto

5
00:00:19.160 --> 00:00:24.519
Instagram and the account is doctor Wendy
Walsh. All right, So I am

6
00:00:24.600 --> 00:00:27.760
taking your calls and just want to
remind you this is what I like to

7
00:00:27.800 --> 00:00:33.119
call my drive by makeshift relationship advice. I'm a psychology professor. I've written

8
00:00:33.159 --> 00:00:37.159
three books on relationships because I'm obsessed
with the science of love, and my

9
00:00:37.240 --> 00:00:43.200
dissertation is on attachment theory. And
I have lots of life experiences and lots

10
00:00:43.200 --> 00:00:46.039
of bad relationships in my past,
so don't feel bad. This is how

11
00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:49.759
we learn. So I'll be taking
your calls the numbers one eight hundred five

12
00:00:49.880 --> 00:00:54.119
two zero one KFI. That's one
eight hundred five two zero one five three

13
00:00:54.280 --> 00:00:58.799
four. I'll also be going to
social media to the DMS okay producer Kayla,

14
00:00:58.799 --> 00:01:02.479
who do we have first? Patrick
with a question? Patrick? Hi,

15
00:01:02.560 --> 00:01:07.120
Patrick, It's doctor Wendy. Doctor
Wendy, thank you so much for

16
00:01:07.159 --> 00:01:12.400
taking this call. Yes quick,
that story here so that you can get

17
00:01:12.760 --> 00:01:21.319
the question out. In between twenty
twenty twenty one, about ten eleven months,

18
00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:26.599
I lost my we were five siblings. We lost our oldest brother to

19
00:01:26.879 --> 00:01:32.239
alcoholism, and he's Type one diabetic. Because fiance came home and founded impulses

20
00:01:32.359 --> 00:01:38.159
and I'm breathing, oh and he
passed. Next came up my girlfriend of

21
00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:42.120
eleven years, who I thought for
sure we were going to get married once

22
00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:47.879
thing started to get a little better
economically for us. She excused me of

23
00:01:48.519 --> 00:01:53.159
trying to get with my Facebook friends
who I've known since junior highe, elementary

24
00:01:53.159 --> 00:01:57.879
school, high school, and different
work. I mean trying to have sex

25
00:01:57.920 --> 00:02:00.000
with them, get with them?
Would that mean? Yeah? She thought

26
00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:02.760
I was trying to do that,
and I honestly wasn't. And I said,

27
00:02:02.760 --> 00:02:06.840
look, we need to meet to
all these people and they would be

28
00:02:06.920 --> 00:02:08.599
very happy for us. I wanted
to introduce you to them, but she

29
00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:14.360
refused, Okay, so you break
up. So yeah, we broke up

30
00:02:14.520 --> 00:02:16.919
for a year, got back together
and she was zer for about three months,

31
00:02:16.960 --> 00:02:20.800
and then the same thing during again, and that was it. And

32
00:02:20.840 --> 00:02:23.599
I haven't talked to her. Quote. Okay, so what's your question?

33
00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:30.039
One? Okay, Then my son, his mom, who is physically and

34
00:02:30.080 --> 00:02:35.120
emotionally abusive to me, shows him
all of her custody paperwork. And on

35
00:02:35.159 --> 00:02:38.360
the twenty third, it'll be three
years since I've talked to him. Oh,

36
00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:44.719
how old is he? He's twenty
one. He'll be twenty two on

37
00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:47.840
April fifteenth. Okay, so he's
an adult. You have the ability to

38
00:02:47.840 --> 00:02:53.159
forge a relationship with him. I'm
sorry one more time. You have the

39
00:02:53.199 --> 00:02:58.080
ability to forge a relationship with him. Custody papers mean nothing. Now you're

40
00:02:58.080 --> 00:03:02.599
two adults, right. Unfortunately,
he's you know, believing in all that.

41
00:03:02.680 --> 00:03:07.800
So my question even though I my
best therapy is playing my drone since

42
00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:12.599
I have some sound kids. Oh
good. But yeah, I've started drinking

43
00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:15.680
warm beer, which is not good
because I'm talking to about I've talked to

44
00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:22.800
the doctor about this, and I
thinking now of going and hooking up with

45
00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:29.080
a that's a bad term, trying
to attach with a group locally here in

46
00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:32.439
the valley. So my question,
yeah, answer the question now, Patrick,

47
00:03:32.520 --> 00:03:38.800
What is the best way that I
can address this and get on Okay?

48
00:03:38.840 --> 00:03:43.000
And I would love to speak to
your son. But you have a

49
00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:47.120
triple loss, all right, as
you explain it, You lost your oldest

50
00:03:47.159 --> 00:03:53.879
brother to alcoholism, you have great
trauma associated with the loss of your son,

51
00:03:54.360 --> 00:03:59.639
You've lost your girlfriend of eleven years. You find yourself drinking more So

52
00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:02.439
Number one, you already said it. You got to go to AA and

53
00:04:02.520 --> 00:04:06.159
do that right away. Also,
start by calling your health insurance. You

54
00:04:06.280 --> 00:04:12.759
need a therapist because you're not expected
to do this alone. Patrick, this

55
00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:16.399
is enormous loss you're experiencing. And
the other thing a therapist can help you

56
00:04:16.480 --> 00:04:23.480
do is learn the relationship skills to
eventually be able to heal the relationship with

57
00:04:23.519 --> 00:04:29.120
your son. And I want you
to understand your son may never believe you,

58
00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:35.399
but you can start over as an
adult and create a caring, loving

59
00:04:35.439 --> 00:04:40.279
relationship. But you might have to
be tolerant of a lot of anger,

60
00:04:40.839 --> 00:04:45.759
a lot of somebody not but mistrust
not believing you. And you've got to

61
00:04:45.759 --> 00:04:50.720
be the stoic one who's just there
with love to be able to tolerate that.

62
00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:56.240
So I really think Patrick, that
AA is definitely the first step for

63
00:04:56.279 --> 00:05:00.920
you. First of all, I'm
so happy that you called, and I'm

64
00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:03.600
happy that you're catching it early because
you didn't say, oh, I've been

65
00:05:03.639 --> 00:05:06.279
going on binges and for the last
three years I've been drinking a lot.

66
00:05:06.279 --> 00:05:09.319
You said, hey, I'm starting
to drink a little more beer, right,

67
00:05:09.720 --> 00:05:12.360
and I'm drumming a lot. And
so you're feeling it. And this

68
00:05:12.519 --> 00:05:16.240
self awareness is really important because then
it makes you do the right thing for

69
00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:20.279
yourself, to care for yourself,
because at this point you need to give

70
00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:26.040
your self care. It is your
time Patrick to give to yourself. So

71
00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:29.959
AA and a good therapist, and
I wish you the best. My heart

72
00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:34.040
goes out to you. I'm so
sorry for this succession of losses you've experienced,

73
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:38.879
but thank you for calling. Okay, producer Kayla, who do we

74
00:05:38.920 --> 00:05:42.439
have next? I have Mike with
a question. Mike, H'm Mike.

75
00:05:42.480 --> 00:05:47.120
It's doctor Wendy. Yes, thank
you. My wife was married twice before

76
00:05:47.319 --> 00:05:54.199
her first husband gave her herpes,
and so now going forward, when she

77
00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:58.439
gets upset with me, she has
an outbreak. So she blames me for

78
00:05:58.560 --> 00:06:02.879
the outbreak and I tell her that's
not my problem. You know, that

79
00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:06.839
was the first husband's problem. I'm
sorry she has an issue, but I

80
00:06:06.839 --> 00:06:12.319
shouldn't be blamed for anytime she has
out How is she blaming you for an

81
00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:15.519
outbreak of herpes that she had a
pre existing condition before she came to Like,

82
00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:19.600
what's her argument? I'm curious.
Her argument was that her second husband,

83
00:06:19.600 --> 00:06:24.360
she didn't have a breakout, even
though he was really a bad customer

84
00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:29.319
too. But she blames me.
So what what what do you want to

85
00:06:29.360 --> 00:06:34.839
have happened here? Well, we're
separated right now over this issue. That's

86
00:06:35.000 --> 00:06:38.759
part of it. It's a big
part of it. But this is one

87
00:06:38.800 --> 00:06:42.800
of the big issues that because she
even said I don't have the outbreak anymore

88
00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:46.399
since we've been separating. Well,
I will just say this, because there's

89
00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:54.560
some research to support this that stress
can cause more frequent outbreaks of the herpes

90
00:06:54.639 --> 00:06:57.319
virus. Okay, so we will
say that. But I also want to

91
00:06:57.439 --> 00:07:00.000
like pull you off the guilt train
here, Mike and her. You know,

92
00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:04.759
of our generation, it's something like
one in three people who have the

93
00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:09.920
herpes virus. Okay, And I'll
tell you, Herpes was this big scare

94
00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:14.120
for everybody until you know, aids
marched in over the horizon and all of

95
00:07:14.120 --> 00:07:15.720
a sudden, herpes, Like who
what, who cares? It's nothing?

96
00:07:15.839 --> 00:07:19.839
Okay, it's a very small,
minor thing, but the fact that she

97
00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:25.800
would somehow try to blame you for
something that was a pre existing condition in

98
00:07:25.839 --> 00:07:30.759
her own life. I will say
this that couples who have health problems together

99
00:07:30.519 --> 00:07:34.199
work on it together and they support
each other. But I don't know why

100
00:07:34.279 --> 00:07:39.720
she chose to attack you, and
I think it might be just a sort

101
00:07:39.720 --> 00:07:43.920
of a device that she focused on
when really there's other stuff. So what

102
00:07:43.959 --> 00:07:46.319
do you want to have happened in
this relationship, Mike? I want to

103
00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:51.120
stay married to you. Mighty oh, you do. So you want to

104
00:07:51.319 --> 00:07:56.319
find a way to get Have you
been to therapy? We've had that,

105
00:07:56.439 --> 00:08:00.480
and but she's starting she's blaming me
all of a sudden for any thing that's

106
00:08:00.519 --> 00:08:05.439
been there, and that's hard to
take. It's hard to take. So

107
00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:11.839
my advice is to stay in couple's
therapy, understand that she's angry for whatever

108
00:08:11.920 --> 00:08:16.839
reason. It does take two to
tango, Okay, there's no way that

109
00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:20.839
one person is one hundred percent responsible
for the problems in a relationship. But

110
00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:24.759
if you can try to tell her, I want to make this work.

111
00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:28.800
I want to figure out a way
where we can have better communication and we

112
00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:33.360
can support each other in our issues. And I know it's hard when someone

113
00:08:33.399 --> 00:08:39.000
is pointing fingers and blaming and blaming
and blaming, but this is your moment

114
00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:41.919
to be able to say that,
and I'm sorry. I wish you guys

115
00:08:41.960 --> 00:08:45.600
the best. Mike. I hope
you do stay married because you said that

116
00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:48.159
in such an open, honest way. You want to save your marriage.

117
00:08:48.159 --> 00:08:50.720
Here, thanks for calling. All
right, when we come back, the

118
00:08:50.840 --> 00:08:56.200
numbers one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. That's one eight

119
00:08:56.320 --> 00:09:00.759
hundred five to two zero one.
KFI you are listening to the Wendy Waals's

120
00:09:00.759 --> 00:09:05.960
Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

121
00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:11.600
You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand KFI AM six forty. You

122
00:09:11.639 --> 00:09:15.240
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show,

123
00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:18.480
and I am taking your calls.
One eight hundred and five two zero one

124
00:09:18.639 --> 00:09:22.200
five three four Producer Kayla. We
have a talkback. How do people do

125
00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:24.879
the recorded talkbacks? They just have
to download the iHeartRadio app. I believe

126
00:09:24.919 --> 00:09:28.039
there's a button in the top left
hand corner that they just pressed to talk

127
00:09:28.080 --> 00:09:31.200
back and they could send in a
thirty second voice note to any show they'd

128
00:09:31.240 --> 00:09:33.759
like to talk to. I love
that. That's so cool. Okay,

129
00:09:33.759 --> 00:09:37.039
play the one we got. I
have a question. Since we're talking about

130
00:09:37.399 --> 00:09:43.399
the percentage of men being narcissist,
what is the percentage of women? I'm

131
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:46.639
just curious? Thank you? Well, I actually stand corrected. I know

132
00:09:46.720 --> 00:09:50.120
Kayla and I were quickly googling,
and I had heard the one percent of

133
00:09:50.200 --> 00:09:54.000
men before. Well, a new
study in two thousand and eight found that

134
00:09:54.039 --> 00:10:01.039
the lifetime narcissistic personality disorder is much
more prevalent for men. It is seven

135
00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:05.240
percent and about four percent for women. That's much higher than I thought.

136
00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:11.919
So seven out of one hundred men
may be diagnosable with narcissistic personality disorder and

137
00:10:11.960 --> 00:10:15.080
about four percent of women. Hope
that answers it, all? Right,

138
00:10:15.120 --> 00:10:18.120
who else do we have? We
have Cat with a question. Okay,

139
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:24.559
Hi, Cat, it's doctor Wendy. Hello. Hi, it's doctor Wendy.

140
00:10:24.639 --> 00:10:30.080
Hi. What's your question? Yeah? My question is I would just

141
00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:35.600
like to know the best way to
approach a grown child in terms of talking

142
00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:41.519
about their drinking or their addiction.
Oh, how old is your child?

143
00:10:45.200 --> 00:10:52.159
Twenty six? You must be terrified
as a mother, well, and I

144
00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:54.919
really am. The best advice I
can give you is to not do it

145
00:10:54.960 --> 00:11:03.399
alone. Think about who actually has
an in fluence on your child now,

146
00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:07.559
because you know they kind of tune
out their parents. We've been nagging our

147
00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:11.320
kids their whole lives, so they're
not really going to listen to us that

148
00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:16.320
much. So what you want to
do is have collaborators with you, some

149
00:11:16.360 --> 00:11:22.879
of their closest friends, maybe other
family members, co workers. And that's

150
00:11:22.919 --> 00:11:26.000
when you do an intervention. And
it must be done in person, not

151
00:11:26.039 --> 00:11:28.480
on the phone, not text.
You meet them somewhere. You know,

152
00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:33.440
usually public is good because everyone kind
of controls themselves in public. You meet

153
00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:39.159
for lunch somewhere and you say,
we're all worried about you. And do

154
00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:43.240
the research ahead of time. For
your health insurance or you know, because

155
00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:48.320
of the Affordable Care Act, they
do have to pay for in patient thirty

156
00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:52.919
day treatment. So you could do
some research and find the places and say,

157
00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:56.360
we really need to get you some
help, and we're here to support

158
00:11:56.480 --> 00:12:01.360
you and help you. But that's
the way do it. Don't don't do

159
00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:03.159
it alone, Okay, do it
with a group. I'm so sorry you're

160
00:12:03.159 --> 00:12:07.720
going through this cat. What a
terrifying thing for a mom. All right,

161
00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:11.159
let me head over to social media. There's so many dms on Instagram.

162
00:12:11.279 --> 00:12:16.639
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy. Do
I tell the wife I've been having

163
00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:22.639
an affair unbeknownst to me, I
just found out in the most shocking way.

164
00:12:22.759 --> 00:12:26.639
Should I tell his wife? So? I think what this person is

165
00:12:26.679 --> 00:12:30.120
saying is they met some great guy
on an app, they went out to

166
00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:31.879
a few dinner, started having sex, and then all of a sudden they

167
00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:35.960
found out he's actually married. This
is not uncommon, Okay, So the

168
00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:41.519
question is do you need to tell
the wife? You know, this is

169
00:12:41.559 --> 00:12:48.519
a moral dilemma for you and you
alone. There's obviously some feeling of anger

170
00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:52.399
and retribution, like you've ruined my
life, I'm going to ruin yours now.

171
00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:56.919
I'll tell you when I was a
young woman, one hundred percent I

172
00:12:58.039 --> 00:13:01.240
found a way to contact a wife
because it happened to me twice I did.

173
00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:07.799
So. I just feel like this
is me and my personal opinion about

174
00:13:07.799 --> 00:13:15.200
life is that the truth should prevail. I also think that a lot of

175
00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:20.279
wives know, but they don't want
to know, and when they're presented with

176
00:13:20.840 --> 00:13:24.519
the reality of it. It can
be very difficult. They might even turn

177
00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:26.840
it onto you. You did this, you, you know, always blaming

178
00:13:26.879 --> 00:13:31.399
the other woman exactly. So be
aware that there are going to be repercussions.

179
00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:37.080
But you don't have to hold a
secret for him if he's done that

180
00:13:37.159 --> 00:13:41.279
to you. H Wow, it's
a tough one, uh, Dear doctor

181
00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:43.600
Wendy. I met this guy on
bumble and there he puts his names.

182
00:13:45.080 --> 00:13:46.799
But after a couple of days talking
to him, he told me he actually

183
00:13:46.840 --> 00:13:52.120
had a different name, and he
gave me some kind of nonsense to justify

184
00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:54.039
it. So we went on a
date. Wait, we'll pause right there

185
00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:58.960
as I'm reading this. Okay,
so somebody lied about their name. They

186
00:14:00.120 --> 00:14:05.279
had one name online and then another
name in person, and you went out

187
00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:09.440
on a date with him again,
I and you weren't. You thought it

188
00:14:09.480 --> 00:14:15.120
was a nonsensical reason. That's a
problem. Okay. I pressured him about

189
00:14:15.159 --> 00:14:18.159
his fake name, and what he
told me was that he used to be

190
00:14:18.360 --> 00:14:24.240
married and he's waiting till his divorce
finalizes. Okay, first of all,

191
00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:30.399
you're either married or you're not.
You're not used to be married and waiting

192
00:14:30.440 --> 00:14:33.000
for it to finalize? What is
that being like? A little pregnant.

193
00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:39.240
No, he's married. Okay,
he's married. He didn't want to mess

194
00:14:39.320 --> 00:14:43.240
up the process. I don't know
if I believe it. Is there any

195
00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:46.639
way to look up if someone is
in the process of divorce. This is

196
00:14:46.679 --> 00:14:50.559
the wrong question. The question should
be, doctor Wendy, should I ever

197
00:14:50.600 --> 00:14:56.200
see this man again? And the
answer is no. Relationships that start out

198
00:14:56.240 --> 00:15:01.919
with lies end up with much bigger
lies and a lot of pain. I

199
00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:05.320
don't care how cute he is.
I don't care how much money he is

200
00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:09.759
he has. If he's lied about
his name and he's married to somebody,

201
00:15:09.879 --> 00:15:13.000
promise you he's still married. No, no, no, no, no

202
00:15:13.000 --> 00:15:16.279
no, don't go out with him
again. Uh. Hi, doctor Wendy,

203
00:15:16.360 --> 00:15:20.480
how do you handle dating multiple men
at the same time? Well,

204
00:15:20.600 --> 00:15:24.200
let me tell you that I'm sorry. Hi, doctor Wendy. How do

205
00:15:24.240 --> 00:15:28.759
you handle dating multiple men at the
same time without letting it consume you and

206
00:15:28.840 --> 00:15:33.080
take up all your time? I
get so overwhelmed and drained by it,

207
00:15:33.120 --> 00:15:37.039
so I'd appreciate any tips on handling
it. Dump some of them. I

208
00:15:37.080 --> 00:15:41.240
mean, why are you dating so
many men? Are you trying to water

209
00:15:41.360 --> 00:15:43.799
down the milk? You only need
one, one good one? Pick the

210
00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:48.519
one that you think is best,
that's not draining of you, and go

211
00:15:48.559 --> 00:15:52.799
out with them. Look at when
I know how you are. When I

212
00:15:52.840 --> 00:15:56.639
was young, my roommate and I
used to joke that we could never date

213
00:15:56.720 --> 00:16:00.600
more than five minute once we weren't
sleeping with them all folks, really just

214
00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:06.039
one maybe two, And so what
we would do. Our joke was we

215
00:16:06.120 --> 00:16:10.000
get the stories mixed up after five
so we'd be out on a date,

216
00:16:10.039 --> 00:16:11.440
we'd be like, oh, how
is your sister's wedding? Oh, no,

217
00:16:11.559 --> 00:16:15.080
you don't have a sister. Oh
oh oh, we get all the

218
00:16:15.120 --> 00:16:19.879
stories mixed up. So it's hard
work to date multiple people. It's also

219
00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:26.519
more difficult to find a committed relationship
when you're dating multiple people because our brain

220
00:16:26.559 --> 00:16:30.600
suffers from something called the paradox of
choice, which means the more choice our

221
00:16:30.600 --> 00:16:34.000
brain has, the less likely we
are to make a choice. And if

222
00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:37.559
we do make a choice, we
don't value it that much because we're always

223
00:16:37.559 --> 00:16:41.799
thinking about the bigger, better deal
that got away right. So ask yourself

224
00:16:41.799 --> 00:16:45.519
why you're dating multiple men, especially
if it's draining on you, and maybe

225
00:16:45.559 --> 00:16:48.159
you need to narrow it down to
just one. Do you have time for

226
00:16:48.200 --> 00:16:51.799
one? Morerow. We don't know, we didn't remember. There's so many

227
00:16:51.919 --> 00:16:55.639
questions, so little time. All
right, when we come back, Are

228
00:16:55.679 --> 00:17:00.440
you in a relationship and you're starting
to lose control? Like it's becoming unpredictable,

229
00:17:00.759 --> 00:17:03.319
and you're always wondering like, are
we in it? Is everything?

230
00:17:03.359 --> 00:17:07.240
Okay? Is this gonna work?
Is it not? I am going to

231
00:17:07.279 --> 00:17:14.079
explain to you how therapists help you
decide whether you have enough control to feel

232
00:17:14.119 --> 00:17:17.279
secure in your relationship and what you
should do about it. You're listening to

233
00:17:17.319 --> 00:17:21.039
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on

234
00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:26.720
the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to
KFI AM six forty on demand AKFI AM

235
00:17:26.759 --> 00:17:30.240
six forty. You have Doctor Wendy
Walsh with you. This is the Doctor

236
00:17:30.279 --> 00:17:36.880
Wendy wallsh Show. I want to
remind you that we are wired to bond,

237
00:17:37.319 --> 00:17:41.960
that our mental health and our physical
health is always better when we are

238
00:17:41.000 --> 00:17:48.480
connected and in relationship with others.
Relationships are in exchange of care, and

239
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:52.720
the most important form of care is
emotional care. Now, when you first

240
00:17:52.759 --> 00:17:56.559
begin a new relationship, I always
say this, like a year of living

241
00:17:56.680 --> 00:18:00.319
dangerously like you don't know if it's
going to be forever or not. And

242
00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:07.640
there is this, especially at the
very beginning. This you have to learn

243
00:18:07.720 --> 00:18:12.480
to tolerate the unknowing. Right,
know that you're lovable, know that everything's

244
00:18:12.519 --> 00:18:15.519
going to be okay, whether it's
with this person or another person. But

245
00:18:15.599 --> 00:18:21.279
you just have to be a little
bit stoic. Right. But as you

246
00:18:21.319 --> 00:18:26.000
go down the road, you start
to grow into a secure bond, and

247
00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:34.440
your secure attachment should feel like home. A good relationship is a home for

248
00:18:34.519 --> 00:18:41.559
the heart. Now, for many
of us, we had a childhood where

249
00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:48.079
we were given a very faulty model
for love, and our idea of what

250
00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:57.920
is secure feels almost disruptive or erratic. So one of the things about our

251
00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:02.039
human brains, first of all,
is that we like to predict things.

252
00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:03.920
I mean, we even try to
predict the weather. We got a weather

253
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:07.359
app, We predict the traffic,
we predict We want to know what's going

254
00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:14.799
on all the time. When we
can't predict what's happening in our own relationship,

255
00:19:15.799 --> 00:19:21.200
we feel unstable, unsteady. It's
not our secure base, and we

256
00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:25.480
can feel anxious and depressed because of
it. So one of the things that

257
00:19:25.519 --> 00:19:32.799
psychologists have done is they've devised all
kinds of assessments to test something they call

258
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:37.759
the locus of control that one experience
is in their marriage or their partnership.

259
00:19:38.519 --> 00:19:44.839
So if your marriage has something called
a high locus of control, that means

260
00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:48.200
you have an ability to predict how
your partner is going to respond to certain

261
00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:52.240
situations. Right. So I've been
with Julio, for instance, three and

262
00:19:52.279 --> 00:19:56.240
a half years. I know pretty
much what I'm going to say, how

263
00:19:56.279 --> 00:20:00.720
he's going to behave. I mean, I kind of it's predictable. I

264
00:20:02.000 --> 00:20:06.799
accept how he is, I love
how he is, but I also you

265
00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:10.119
know, there's very little that's going
to come out of left field. On

266
00:20:10.160 --> 00:20:15.319
the other hand, I had relationships
in my past that had very insecure attachments.

267
00:20:15.480 --> 00:20:17.920
I mean I was all googoo go, I got in love with them,

268
00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:25.319
but I wasn't getting back that consistent
feeling of security, Like if I

269
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:27.599
called or left a message, I
wouldn't know when they were going to call

270
00:20:27.640 --> 00:20:33.079
me back. Right. And you
might have heard me tell this story before,

271
00:20:33.119 --> 00:20:37.359
But in the first few weeks of
meeting Julio, he had business in

272
00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:41.799
I can't remember. I feel like
it was Miami, and so in my

273
00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:45.039
mind because I have like an anxious
attachment style. I have this locator.

274
00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:49.319
Okay, he's in Miami, and
then he texts me like the next day

275
00:20:49.319 --> 00:20:52.920
and he goes, hey, I
came back early. I'm in LA.

276
00:20:52.359 --> 00:20:56.160
I don't know why this disrupted me, that he would get on a plane,

277
00:20:56.599 --> 00:21:00.480
fly to my city back home and
not tell me he was coming.

278
00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:03.880
And I don't know why it felt
disruptive to me. It was like my

279
00:21:04.000 --> 00:21:08.559
locator was off and I was like, you you didn't tell me, and

280
00:21:08.599 --> 00:21:11.519
he's like, well, it was
late. I didn't think I should text

281
00:21:11.599 --> 00:21:14.799
you. And then he said,
but if that matters to you, I'll

282
00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:18.640
let you know where I'm going when
I'm going. And then I was like,

283
00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:22.640
how about you just turn on your
location services. I never check his

284
00:21:22.759 --> 00:21:27.480
location anymore. I don't, but
it was during that unpredictable time at the

285
00:21:27.519 --> 00:21:32.319
beginning. Now, of course we
have lots of predictability, and I have

286
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:36.599
a high locus of control, right, So I'm sure you want to know

287
00:21:36.680 --> 00:21:40.920
whether in your relationship you experience a
high or a low locus of control.

288
00:21:41.640 --> 00:21:44.519
And so what I'm gonna do is
I'm going to read you the eight statements.

289
00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:48.359
This is an assessment that psychologists use
a lot, and I want you

290
00:21:48.440 --> 00:21:53.240
to ask yourself if you agree or
disagree with these statements. Okay, here

291
00:21:53.279 --> 00:21:59.559
we go. Number one, difficulties
with my partner often start with chance remarks.

292
00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:03.640
So if you agreed with that statement, you probably have a lower locus

293
00:22:03.720 --> 00:22:04.839
of control, right, Like all
of a sudden, it comes out of

294
00:22:04.880 --> 00:22:10.000
left field, like why did they
freak out over that? Right? Here's

295
00:22:10.079 --> 00:22:14.480
number two. I find that external
circumstances, like day to day events,

296
00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:19.759
have a considerable influence on how my
partner and I get along. Oh so

297
00:22:19.880 --> 00:22:22.119
he or she has a bad day
at the office and they come home and

298
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:26.119
take it off, take it out
on you. Right, that's a low

299
00:22:26.160 --> 00:22:30.319
locus of control because you can't control
that. That's external situations. Right.

300
00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:34.880
Here's another one. At times there
doesn't seem any way out of a disagreement

301
00:22:34.920 --> 00:22:38.799
with my partner. Well, I
think everybody in the moment, the heat

302
00:22:38.799 --> 00:22:41.759
of the moment. Even this week
when Julu and I had this tiny little

303
00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:47.440
tiff, there was a moment where
we're like, I don't know how to

304
00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:49.839
fix this. I don't know what
I'm supposed to say, right, Yeah,

305
00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:53.279
But if it happens all the time, you got to ask yourself what

306
00:22:53.440 --> 00:22:59.839
is going on? Number four.
It's often up to my partner to make

307
00:22:59.839 --> 00:23:06.839
an argument end peacefully. Really,
it's their responsibility. So if they're happy,

308
00:23:06.920 --> 00:23:08.920
then you get to be happy.
If they're not happy, then you

309
00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:14.240
don't get to be happy. You
have a low locus of control if that

310
00:23:14.359 --> 00:23:18.200
is happening. Here's another one.
My partner's moods are often mysterious to me.

311
00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:22.559
I have little idea of what might
set them off. I'm sorry,

312
00:23:22.559 --> 00:23:26.079
but my stomach sank when I read
that, because I know what it is

313
00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:30.839
to be in a relationship where you're
walking on eggshells, where you just don't

314
00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:38.759
know if they're going to erupt.
Very common in domestic violence situations. Number

315
00:23:38.799 --> 00:23:42.480
six. I'm often at a loss
as to what to say or do when

316
00:23:42.519 --> 00:23:47.319
I'm in a disagreement with my partner. Well, we all have trouble when

317
00:23:47.319 --> 00:23:51.000
there's a disagreement, but if if
you're imagine like it's going to be over,

318
00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:56.640
then you have a low locus of
control. Seven repetition Here, I

319
00:23:56.680 --> 00:24:02.279
often find my partner's behavior to be
unpredictable and eight. Circumstances of one sort

320
00:24:02.480 --> 00:24:07.400
of another play a major role in
determining whether my relationship functions smoothly. Again,

321
00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:11.279
did they have a bad day at
the office. You see, you're

322
00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:15.079
supposed to be supporting each other.
If someone has a bad day, then

323
00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:19.200
they come home and bring their heart
there for support. They don't come and

324
00:24:19.279 --> 00:24:23.599
take the trauma from the day and
inject it into you. Right. So,

325
00:24:23.720 --> 00:24:29.200
here's why it's important to go to
therapy. If this feels like it's

326
00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:33.400
your relationship because you probably have a
faulty model for love. You're probably being

327
00:24:33.400 --> 00:24:38.519
triggered from some early life stuff and
talking it out with a therapist will help

328
00:24:38.559 --> 00:24:45.559
you understand how you can have much
more power in your future relationships. Now,

329
00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:51.359
people like you. If this sounded
like you probably have no idea what

330
00:24:51.440 --> 00:24:56.000
a truly healthy relationship needs. And
when we come back, I'm going to

331
00:24:56.079 --> 00:25:02.319
go through the six things that I
believe every single healthy relationship needs. So,

332
00:25:02.359 --> 00:25:03.839
if you started dating somebody, or
maybe you've been in a relationship for

333
00:25:03.839 --> 00:25:07.079
a long time, let's see how
many of these six things you guys have

334
00:25:07.200 --> 00:25:11.240
together. You're listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty

335
00:25:11.279 --> 00:25:17.359
we Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty

336
00:25:17.640 --> 00:25:22.079
on demand AFI AM six forty.
You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you.

337
00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:25.680
You know, we have TV screens
on in our studio and our favorite Christmas

338
00:25:25.680 --> 00:25:29.519
classic movie Jonesy. You see that? What's up there? My daughter's here?

339
00:25:30.079 --> 00:25:33.960
What's up there? Oh? It's
elf. See she's twenty. She's

340
00:25:33.960 --> 00:25:37.480
so embarrassed right now, she's so
cool. I talk to her like she's

341
00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:44.839
two, because they're always little to
moms. They're always your little girl.

342
00:25:45.559 --> 00:25:52.279
Anyway, Six things every healthy relationship
needs. So if you're somebody who has,

343
00:25:53.400 --> 00:25:56.759
you know, one of the most
common questions I get in the DMS

344
00:25:57.480 --> 00:26:02.319
is, so I'm dating this guy
or I'm dating this girl and this and

345
00:26:02.359 --> 00:26:06.119
this and this and this Is that
normal? Or should I stick it out?

346
00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:08.720
Or do you think it'll change?
Right? Because they can't predict what's

347
00:26:08.759 --> 00:26:14.799
happening and they don't have this sense
of what you're supposed to have. So

348
00:26:15.799 --> 00:26:19.079
let me start. The very first
thing you need to have in any healthy

349
00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:26.079
relationship is trust. You have to
find someone you can trust. And there

350
00:26:26.079 --> 00:26:29.160
are some sneaky people out there,
and I know they can be dangerous,

351
00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:33.960
and you can be totally blindsided.
But if you're able, if you're spending

352
00:26:33.960 --> 00:26:41.960
time with somebody, I want you
to spend enough time that they earn your

353
00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:47.920
trust. You don't blindly trust somebody. They must earn your trust. Remember,

354
00:26:48.880 --> 00:26:52.559
you're eventually going to trust them with
your emotions, your eggs and your

355
00:26:52.559 --> 00:26:57.359
bloodstream, maybe your children, maybe
your finances. Who knows. I mean,

356
00:26:57.559 --> 00:27:02.319
look, I'm not sitting here on
my pedestal saying I've never made a

357
00:27:02.359 --> 00:27:04.440
mistake in my life. I've been
the victim of financial abuse from a lover.

358
00:27:04.519 --> 00:27:10.160
I've been the victim of domestic violence. You know. The one thing

359
00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:12.319
I'll tell you I did right only
because it scared the Bejesus out of me,

360
00:27:12.839 --> 00:27:18.279
is once I became a single mother. I saw the statistic one time

361
00:27:18.680 --> 00:27:22.359
that said that one of the most
dangerous places for children to live in America

362
00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:29.640
is at a home with a non
biologically related male mommy's boyfriend, husband,

363
00:27:29.839 --> 00:27:34.319
step brothers eight times the rate of
abuse emotional, physical, or sexual.

364
00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:37.599
So that freaked me out. So
I didn't date when the kids were little.

365
00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:41.960
I just like, I'm not exposing
my kids to anybody. But then,

366
00:27:42.039 --> 00:27:45.920
you know, I waited till I
had my almost empty ness and then

367
00:27:45.000 --> 00:27:48.839
got my Julio, So all good, okay. Trust is the number one

368
00:27:48.839 --> 00:27:53.240
thing you need. The second thing
you need is attraction. I can't tell

369
00:27:53.319 --> 00:27:56.240
you how many times people write to
me and say, I met this person

370
00:27:56.279 --> 00:28:00.000
on paper, they're perfect. We
don't have a lot of sexual energy for

371
00:28:00.039 --> 00:28:03.960
each other, or you know,
I'm not really attracted to them. What

372
00:28:03.079 --> 00:28:08.759
will it get better? No,
it starts out good emotionally, intellectually,

373
00:28:08.799 --> 00:28:12.960
physically. Are you attracted to them
right? And are they attracted to you?

374
00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:17.000
Or is this a one sided thing? You need to have attraction.

375
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:22.400
But I would say as important,
maybe more important than attraction, is number

376
00:28:22.440 --> 00:28:27.279
three reliability. Do they do what
they say they're gonna do? Are they

377
00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:32.200
just words or do they actually show
up? Do they keep their promises?

378
00:28:33.000 --> 00:28:36.039
I remember dating a guy one once, and he was such a dreamer and

379
00:28:36.119 --> 00:28:38.359
not a doer, and he got
me all caught up in his fantasies and

380
00:28:38.359 --> 00:28:44.440
one time he literally said to me, Wow, you actually do what you

381
00:28:44.480 --> 00:28:48.640
say you're gonna do, like it
was some spectacular thing. And I'm like,

382
00:28:48.759 --> 00:28:52.519
yeah, that's what I do,
all right. Fourth, this is

383
00:28:52.519 --> 00:28:57.119
a big one. Both of you
need to have this willingness to take responsibility.

384
00:28:59.319 --> 00:29:02.880
If you're in a really relationship with
somebody who can't say the words i'm

385
00:29:03.039 --> 00:29:07.640
sorry, get out of there.
If you're in a relationship and you can't

386
00:29:07.720 --> 00:29:14.759
say the words i'm sorry, what
are you doing? Right? So you

387
00:29:15.079 --> 00:29:19.039
just need to every once in a
while take one for the team and go,

388
00:29:19.160 --> 00:29:22.119
you know what, I'm really sorry. And sometimes you did do I

389
00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:23.799
mean, we're all human, right, we make mistakes. But you have

390
00:29:23.880 --> 00:29:27.119
to be able to take responsibility.
You can't blame the other person. Remember

391
00:29:27.119 --> 00:29:32.559
we had that caller earlier and she
was saying that he was saying that the

392
00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:37.000
ex wife or separated wife was blaming
him for everything. How can you have

393
00:29:37.079 --> 00:29:41.240
a healthy relationship you're constantly being blamed
somebody. Something's got to give, right.

394
00:29:41.799 --> 00:29:47.319
You can't have a one sided blame
game, all right. Number five,

395
00:29:48.160 --> 00:29:52.720
You have to have shared values.
Whether it's your value about honesty like

396
00:29:53.000 --> 00:29:57.559
no lying, no secrets, meather, it's your value about health. I

397
00:29:57.599 --> 00:30:02.319
mean, it's really hard to live
in the same house with somebody who's completely

398
00:30:02.400 --> 00:30:07.599
unhealthy if you're healthy. Health habits
are highly contagious within families, right.

399
00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:14.759
Maybe it's religious values, maybe it's
child rearing values. You got to meet

400
00:30:14.880 --> 00:30:19.519
on the same level and share those
values. And finally, number six,

401
00:30:21.519 --> 00:30:30.920
spoken appreciation expressing gratitude valuing your partner
every single day, say something nice to

402
00:30:30.960 --> 00:30:33.599
your partner because you know what,
it's not about them, it's about you,

403
00:30:33.680 --> 00:30:40.240
reminding your own brain why you're there. You know, yesterday I was

404
00:30:40.279 --> 00:30:45.279
doing a little home fixed thing at
some property I own, and my sweet

405
00:30:45.319 --> 00:30:48.319
Julio is helping me install this part
and I was back in the maintenance closet

406
00:30:48.319 --> 00:30:52.839
getting the tools, and I became
aware of something about the way we interact

407
00:30:52.960 --> 00:30:57.680
while we're doing a project together.
I said, Honey, do you need

408
00:30:57.720 --> 00:31:03.880
this screwdriver? And he said yes, please. We use polite language with

409
00:31:03.000 --> 00:31:07.359
each other. We call each other
pet names, We say please and thank

410
00:31:07.400 --> 00:31:11.720
you, We thank each other for
being kind, and you know what,

411
00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:18.319
that's what grows. Relationships are a
garden. You have to water what you

412
00:31:18.400 --> 00:31:22.039
want to grow. You don't water
the weeds. So if you spend most

413
00:31:22.079 --> 00:31:27.279
of your life telling your partner what
they've done wrong, criticizing them, you're

414
00:31:27.359 --> 00:31:33.279
watering the weeds. You need to
catch them being good every single day and

415
00:31:33.359 --> 00:31:37.480
tell them that you are grateful for
them. So, after the show,

416
00:31:37.599 --> 00:31:41.720
which is ending, momentarily, I
want you to go seek out your partner

417
00:31:41.799 --> 00:31:48.000
or get on the phone or text
them and tell them something wonderful about them.

418
00:31:48.400 --> 00:31:51.599
Watch it'll grow. It's going to
bloom. People are going to want

419
00:31:51.599 --> 00:31:55.000
to do more of that good thing
if you keep rewarding them with love,

420
00:31:55.119 --> 00:31:57.680
affection, gratitude and kindness. Thank
you so much for being with me.

421
00:31:57.720 --> 00:32:01.160
It's always my pleasure to be here
every Sunday from seven to nine pm.

422
00:32:01.160 --> 00:32:05.240
You can also follow me on my
social media. The handle everywhere is at

423
00:32:05.279 --> 00:32:07.960
doctor Wendy Walsh and as well,
I do a Wednesday night Patreon group.

424
00:32:08.000 --> 00:32:12.599
That's a great bunch of people,
a lot of KFI listeners and others,

425
00:32:12.599 --> 00:32:16.279
and that's patreon dot com slash doctor
Wendy Walsh. Come on over. I'd

426
00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:21.000
love to meet you. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI

427
00:32:21.240 --> 00:32:27.440
AM six forty. We're live on
the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty on demand

