S Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, Friends. Well, you' re
quite right, but we' re not here to discuss this. Good for
those of you who know me about previous monologues in central comics, well.
I made a monologue about 15 meters. He disappeared 15 meters and showed up
We can do it. I made a monologue about the Palmar de Troya and
the Palmar de Troya is beginning to disappear. I made a monologue about hope
ire and only resigned bad luck. Now I' m going to make a
monologue about the universe, so, if the apocalypse comes, I' ve
been worth it I don' t make you bieis, no, because that
' s what he was telling me. Guys, let' s talk about
this. I have been pursuing the political class, the bankers, the parish
priests for many years, pursuing the economic and social system that destroys us.
But I have discovered that this is the path of hatred, that I do
not want to be a slave to hatred, because there is a system above
that which has been destroying us for millions of years, which is the Solar
system. I openly declare myself an anti- solar system. Why do I
have to accept arbitrary laws like the law of gravity, which I have not
voted for. Hey, rooms in here tonight, your back hurts because of
that damn law and you friends who hang your breasts. I' m with
you, I' m sorry, but we' re going to repeal the
law of gravity and we can fuck seriously. Zero you imagine, they give
you a dick and they bring you home. It' s wonderful. That
' s the one I really mean not. The other day I was seeing
the Universe, because it' s watching it. I can afford it.
I don' t have a terrace and I smoke joints. That section is
something I can do. Not that you look at the universe and it'
s how it' s gonna make me feel insignificant about a nigger, that
is, it' s something that happens. Uh, and I' m
staring at the universe. I mean, my mother, if this is manga
per shoulder, one star, here the other, since there is no criterion.
You know you say that stars change color, that there' s a
little museum in the background, like Christmas decorations, you fucking see a joy.
But that' s a mess, I mean. But now there are
people who claim that that makes sense. Not, for example, astronomers and
astrologers. It is necessary to differentiate astronomer from astrologer, for example, astronomy
studies the physionomy of the Universe. Okay astronomer was, for example, Galileo.
Galilei knew that he said that the earth was round and that it revolved
around the sun through its gravitational fields. And everyone knows that' s a
lie. What drives the world is insex money and drugs. I mean,
Galileo, you don' t know no and an astrologer, because they would
be Rappel and Sandro Rey and those other millenarian cockatoos who are dedicated to stealing
from the illiterates of this country. Okay That' s the difference. Mainly,
the first astrologers in history were Arabs, so we live under the aesthetic
dictatorship of Isis, which tells you that right there in the North Star and
its eggs that is the North Star. I want to choose I' m
making a change org so that the North Star is the South Star that catches
me closer to home. What' s up, I can' t,
I can' t. The direct heirs of the first Arab astronomers and astrologers
are the hippies of rural houses, those who catch you by band and tell
you sometimes from there. That' s what hassiopeado Ves, which has the
form of Cassiopeia, and that' s Andromeda, which has the shape of
Andromeda Ves and that' s the frying pan and the cart over there.
We also call it the big bear and the little bear. I say asshole,
you don' t even know the way it is and you go into
age details, you know what you' re telling me. I can play
that, too. I can also create my own cosmogony. I can create
my own universe. We have to put together the dots. It' s
very simple. I' ll take the stars. So, another, over
here, another, over here, another, over here the dick of uranus.
I did it with my hands. The problem is that we are enduring
that aesthetic dictatorship of the universe and, in addition, we are enduring the
moral dictatorship of the universe that forces us to be one way or another.
According to our horoscope sign, by which if you are an aquarium, you
are creative and empathetic and you fuck, even if you are working in an
assembly chain and are discovering you in the face, you are creative and impact.
And that' s how it ended. It' s eyeball with those
horoscope geeks. Those people you' re at the disco and they' re
coming up to you like hello. What do I know? You' re
not even the name. Not even the name I am. I' m
an aquarium, ah, it' s an aquarium, oh, how strong.
I' m Gemini. We' re super compatible. Let' s
fuck come on anyway. If you have a veneer, you know, blow
the stars protect him. You know that? Is that so? Is that
so? It' s like human stupidity travels through the universe as it climbs
into the orion cart. You know it' s practically not then. The
theme of horoscopes. The theme of horoscopes. Personally, I have begun to
reinterpret it, because I too can create my own horoscope and I have the
final one. I know what each person is like according to what he asks
for from a lid horoscope bar, who from here is anchovy raise your hand
those who are anchovy that is anchoite, good people, the anchovies. Very
salty, very salty. But in the internal forum, a bunch of shit.
Hey, famous things. Hey, someone who' s potato, brava,
potato, brava, I love potato brava, simple people, people who
go face- to- face, uh, people who are willing to share
always, but if you don' t throw sauce at three- paired insuls.
Someone who' s San Gwin, seen this bloodthirsty, seen, no,
man you can see in your eyes. Hey, the Sangwin, you
see, he' s a guy who combines you with everything, with coke,
with coffee, with the cubata in the morning in the afternoon. When
you don' t feel like being with a sangir seen at any time,
but then they give it to you with cheese very carefully with them. Hey,
object. I' m octopus. You know how we are octopus,
not cartilageous, tender, but our hand goes. What are the differences between
an octopus and me, because I don' t have to be a sucker
to cook me You see, I go just for that, friends, we
live in deception and we live in panic. We' re scared, we
' re scared all the time. We' re afraid the end will come.
We' re afraid extraterrestrials will come to destroy us. And they came,
but they said pussy. If they go alone you know they don'
t need to. We' re not obsessed. They don' t say
there' s smart life out there There' s smart life in here.
This is what worries me. I don' t give a shit about intelligence,
man. I' d like you to be dumber than us, that
is, to come out Minister of Defense and say well, we' ve
had an extraterrestrial contact and the truth is that aliens have let us down deeply.
They' re moronic, but I mean, they' re waving at
you like that. That' s why lake is and we champions, champions
that roll. You understand that stuff mainly not, but of course I don
' t give a shit about that extraterrestrial The titles that have the master'
s degrees as smart as they are. What worries me is less I can
fuck because I' m tired of being bisexual. I want to try new
formulas. You know seven tits, five dicks in the shoulder. A bifido
bear asshole is having weird sons like Zapatero' s daughters. You know kids
with two heads. That' s good, you have to feed two mouths,
but it' s a stomach. Alone. You know, at most
you spend it on salt caps What I want to say to you is that
a Martian world wants to go to a puti clú and that there are Vulcan
sluts, you know, and that they' re there Imanol arias and haganovee
cutting ham with a sword. Laser there that looks like churruscadito. You know,
that' s my extraterrestrial fantasy. That' s what I want to
the awesome. We' re not afraid of space in general, but it
' s our fourth, because you know, you know that the planet can
destroy us, uh, because we' re afraid that tectonic plates, when
they rub, don' t make love. You know, we' re
afraid of earthquakes and we' re afraid of tidal waves, that I don
' t understand that tidal waves kill a lot of people whatever you want,
but what movies we do, my mother, at last they ate it with
the servians, things how they are, I' ve seen the impossible.
They' re going to do the second part is going to be called the
next and the third part I' m going to sweep because I don'
t see the shit that leaves the movie. That' s the one you
signed up for. Not that. We' re scared, guys, we
' re completely freaked out. We are afraid that machines, this is incredible,
that machines develop superior artificial intelligence and are smarter than us. Don'
t worry about me. They can never be just as stupid as we are.
We' ll always beat them there, unless the machines do stupid things.
Medium machines are normal, that is, I know chairs you roll with
pedals. That' s what I' m for, what do I know?
Yo, what do I know? That' s why? Friends,
as we are afraid of all this. It seems that on Earth we have
designed a plan for when we destroy the planet, because we are going to
destroy it, because we have to keep selling motorcycles, which is a shame,
because the planet is fine, has WiFi and the weather is good,
but you see that it is not good enough for us. So what we
' ve said is that we' re going to Mars, that since there
' s no one is ours, that' s how you occupy the universe.
No, then we' re going to Mars, we' re going
to Mars, and that' s what we' ve decided. But I
don' t want us to be prepared. I don' t see what
you guys consider. I don' t think we' re ready to go
to Mars. Notice that NASA sent a crew there and they came in and
said this is the atmosphere that' s inspiring. Oh, I don'
t even know what Kim means to smoke or we' ll learn to breathe.
That' s true. It' s just that we' re obsessed
with oxygen. We have an addiction because we' re addicted to oxygen,
like everybody else does. It' s free, so am I, uh,
and come breathe like no one else' s. Eh now if we
' re not going to Mars anywhere. The other day, my grandfather was
in the hospital with the mask swelling up. Uh, well, I took
the mask off one of those muddy ways and I' m grandma if you
' re not gonna get over it. That' s right, that'
s right. What vice do the truth hide from us? Guys, are
you hiding the truth from us? There' s life on Mars. That
' s something you' ve never been told, but that I know when
Mars arrived, they found in a crater of Mars a woman from Cuenca attached
to the crater, dressed in the garter singing the jack of the universe,
which says so and this is the jack of the universe. He sang it
to you in prose. There in verse and you' re the jack jack
of the cosmos for what we were and what you' re about, and
you' re the jack jack of that turn Marta and pluton, which used
to be a planet and now it' s all a jerk. The amazing.
The amazing thing is this really happened. The lady was glued to the
crater and the astronate was floating in gravity h the son of the So how
can it be that you do not affect the gravity son, already man,
the tradition that weighs a lot hahaja. Thanks, let' s do the
octopus a little good, folks. In any case, in any case,
there is hope. Okay, don' t lose faith because there' s
hope. They say three billion light years from here, because space travels in
light year. Don' t tell me because uh, I think it'
s because it' s very repetitive that I' ve seen a piece of
the universe. Seen all that means, the Universe is like Murcia. Not
that you appreciate the tunnel. You know we can say that the Universe is
a Murcia gif. Hey, we can say something like that. No.
Then the journey of anger is in light year that the light year, because
you already know that you can not travel at the speed of light with a
photo of your children that says Dad do not run. It' s very
difficult and you can' t get ahead of the light because you can'
t put the flashers on it. But the one- way trip is in
light year and the one back is in shadow year. It' s clear
no, that' s a year in prison that' s said to be
a shadow is a year in prison, the prison that' s a black
hole. Why. Because there are temporary space phases, space is reduced and
time becomes longer, unless it is barcenas then you get out earlier. It
' s a little how it works. Not so, three billion light years
away, boys, there' s a galaxy called Alpha Centauri, which has
three soles ole and your sea cock three soles. There' s the batium
on the floor You know the electrics There' s no way they do business.
You say I' m going to sunbathe and say what an hour of
sun on an Alfa Centauri beach, uh, three alone at beach time.
That' s a dog year. At least it' s cool. Plus,
all Afters, all Afters to three suns. Of course, the Valencians
go there head- on. You know, they love that. I love
it, because that' s what I' m telling you. Alpha,
Centauri Alpha comes from the Latin Alpha and Centauri comes from the Latin of a
hundred Toritos. What it means is that three billion light years from here there
are St Fermines, so there is wine, so there is life. Hey,
so just relax. Hey, there' s a lot of people worried,
very concerned about the origin of the universe, who was a creator,
it was a big band. I don' t give a shit. The
origin of the mega universe blows. What concerns me is the origin of citizens.
Hey, that' s what I' m worried about. To see
the truth, honestly good. We' re talking origins. I' m
going to talk about mine It' s worth me several years ago before I
was funny, about ten years ago I devoted a lot of time from my
life to the noble art of work and I was working in Barcelona. I
' ve been in Madrid for ten years. I got to Madrid, I
flipped, I asked for a cane. I can' t say. He
asks me for a cane and they put me on a dish with shrimp.
I don' t fuck around. I have not asked for this effect,
in Barcelona, at most they put you a napkin za. They tell me
no, it' s not free, I don' t fuck. I
called Catalonia. I' m telling you, it' s true that they
steal our money and spend it on prawns, motherfuckers. Of course, well,
this is an anecdote that happened to me. It' s really why
I left my previous job It' s worth something that really happened. At
that time I worked in customs, import and export of goods. And one
day he calls my boss and tells me that our most important client, an
Argentine gentleman, brings his dog worth on a plane and I have to go
and greet the dog with honors, with the municipal orchestra and two Basques dancing
him. The aurresque is worth it I' m serious I' m telling
you, it' s totally true. At that moment I am ready to
get to where the dog is and I see that the dog has arrived,
but that does not participate in its existence what they call it in the world
of aviation to arrive in plan Kennedy goes for the others. Come on,
the dog' s dead. Or Vito' s worth caputo and calls my
boss I say Albert, albert A dos is mort in Castellano. Alberto Alberto,
the dog has died something my boss tells me can' t be me.
I go near the dog and I apologize, but my boss says this
isn' t going. The dead dog. He didn' t answer me
straight alive. I wasn' t going to understand myself either Alberto or this
dog has a very serious empathy problem. Or he' s dead and my
boss tells me do what you have to do. I say very well,
I' ll throw the dance of life around the box and the dog will
be resurrected. I' m sorry, but I can' t do anything.
I mean, look, I give you 24 hours, and I,
uh, well, I don' t care if you give me a week.
There' s nothing to do. He tells me to give you six
hundred euros. I' m good there. We started talking. Then at
that moment I went to what is the State Security Corps in Customs to the
customs police I go near them and I say sorry you will not have a
German pastor of these that you have that suits you very well with the ka
here. Hey, that he' s been fooled about smelling dope, that
doesn' t distinguish MDMA from Hachis anymore, that already for a total thing
that the guy tells me please get out of here immediately. I don'
t know what the hell you think this is I totally get out of there
saying maemia. I' m totally messing with it. No, and on
the way out to a partner, a co- driver, he comes up
and tells me what you want a dog. This is Spain, guys,
uh, I mean yes, yes, yes, I' m totally interested
I get money destined to blackmail officials uy bad. I' m telling you
this, maybe I' m in trouble It' s easy. They gave
me money to blackmail officials, but I did what made my clients steal to
keep the money from blackmail, which we now call the People' s Party.
It' s okay for you to understand me to see I' m
the germ of all that. It has been me, it has been me,
it is worth forgiving, done, thank you, for total forgiveness,
because at that moment we took out a dog, a German shepherd who perhaps
were not identical because I did not measure the armhole of the dead dog either
I could not or perhaps. This one was from Cologne and the other one
was from Berlin. Whatever' s not total, I take out the dead
dog and shove the dog alive, because if you leave it inside, the
same thing will throw it away. That' s necrophophilia. It' s
not even on the Internet. You know, it' s totally complicated that
the dead dog gets dumped in a trash can. I give you a dignified
burial that you already wanted, the victim of Francoism. Hey, thanks,
you' d like it and I' ll leave the dog alive It'
s okay here, it' s strong. The next day the client comes
and I, saying look I' m a crack, doesn' t reach
the client and gets close to the box. And when he approaches the dog
' s box, the dog starts barking. I' m telling you,
another Argentine with surprise cocaine. But when he gets to the box, the
man reaches his hand around his heavy neck and starts screaming, screaming and angry.
But what did the dog come dead, quiet, be at bust pace
a prefererate. I know it' s hard? I know it' s
hard. The man had brought his dead dog from Argentina to bury him in
the garden of his house. So far everything normal doesn' t know what
' s going on, that it' s illegal for a dead dog to
travel if it' s not for food and this isn' t China,
or it' s for tashidermia and a German pastor and to be careful of
the dining room, that is, but some asshole like me, for a
little bit more money, skipped the laws for that dog to travel. And
then I, for a little more money, skipped the laws to get that
dog out. And this, my friends, is a metaphor for capitalism.
Thank you very much. And finally, as the Great Peter Reyes said,
the universe is infinite, but a little narrow. Thank you very much and
good night.