WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.599 --> 00:00:22.280 I'm sorry. What's up? Positive bitches? How are we doing today? 2 00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:26.280 If you're hearing this episode, you were meant to be here, So keep 3 00:00:26.320 --> 00:00:31.600 listening on that Bitch's Positive Podcast. Sometimes we will laugh. Other times, 4 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:36.640 baby Girl, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away feeling our 5 00:00:36.799 --> 00:00:42.880 most empowered positive bitch self. That is baby and true connection with herself. 6 00:00:43.159 --> 00:00:47.759 That's right. On this podcast, we unbecome who we are not so we 7 00:00:47.799 --> 00:00:53.079 can fully step into the wholeness of who we came here to be. Can 8 00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:59.320 I get a nammen? Today we are talking about how to become secure again, 9 00:00:59.759 --> 00:01:03.959 how how to become secure in our relationships. I've realized I had some 10 00:01:04.079 --> 00:01:11.079 things recently come up that in the past would trigger the absolute fuck out of 11 00:01:11.120 --> 00:01:17.280 me, and they come up now and I think, whoe am I on 12 00:01:17.319 --> 00:01:22.799 a different timeline because it has no effect on my being? And it shocks 13 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:27.159 me every time. The woman is too stunned to speak. I'm shook it 14 00:01:27.719 --> 00:01:33.959 of how different I react to my external world now when these little triggers come 15 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:38.959 up there, I can't even call them triggers anymore. Their bibity boppits, 16 00:01:38.200 --> 00:01:42.239 Okay, that's what they are, because they don't even do anything to me 17 00:01:42.280 --> 00:01:45.480 anymore. So we're going to talk about what I've done to get here today 18 00:01:46.120 --> 00:01:49.640 as a codependent in recovery. Hello, my name is Cecy and I used 19 00:01:49.680 --> 00:01:53.760 to be codependent. And if you are there right now, do not worry 20 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:57.920 about it, okay, because there is a path we can forge ahead and 21 00:01:57.959 --> 00:02:00.840 we're going to do it together. Oh, a girl has to take her 22 00:02:01.319 --> 00:02:07.319 magic mind. I'm obsessed with magic mind and I need to take it before 23 00:02:07.480 --> 00:02:10.960 I have a podcast create a podcast. It just gives me that extra pep 24 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:15.280 in my step, and honestly, it helps me focus on the point that 25 00:02:15.360 --> 00:02:20.680 I want to get to you. A lot of my podcasts I have some 26 00:02:20.719 --> 00:02:24.080 notes, but it's mostly done through my own channeling of whatever comes in that 27 00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:29.719 moment. A magic mind, man, it is truly my magic in a 28 00:02:29.800 --> 00:02:32.879 bottle. It helps me focus and be a good little human, so the 29 00:02:32.919 --> 00:02:38.199 messages can come through. So excuse me, but Pinky's up and if you 30 00:02:38.280 --> 00:02:40.680 have some water, maybe you have your own magic mind. Let's take our 31 00:02:42.240 --> 00:02:50.120 magic in a bottle. I swear the taste of this is so good too. 32 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:54.000 Usually I do this before podcast, but a girl forgot. This is 33 00:02:54.039 --> 00:02:58.479 what happens when I don't drink it. I forget to do stuff, and 34 00:02:58.520 --> 00:03:04.360 that's why we're here right now. Okay, a bitch is primed. Now, 35 00:03:05.319 --> 00:03:08.400 a couple of announcements today before we get into it. If you are 36 00:03:08.439 --> 00:03:13.400 not yet following me on Instagram at vibe in with cc at that Bitch is 37 00:03:13.479 --> 00:03:16.879 Positive, go follow me because I give you daily tips and tricks on how 38 00:03:16.919 --> 00:03:21.599 to become your most magnetic self, how to tap into the frequency, the 39 00:03:21.599 --> 00:03:24.719 positive bitch frequency, so you can get anything in anyone you want. I 40 00:03:24.840 --> 00:03:29.680 also have a twenty one day break Up Globe Challenge and the Pedestal Path as 41 00:03:29.759 --> 00:03:34.759 my two evergreen courses. If you're interested in becoming your most magnetic self, 42 00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:37.599 go check those out. All of these links will be in the show notes. 43 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:42.599 I also have a little other announcements that is related to my book that's 44 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:49.240 coming out very soon. I have two meditations that I created specifically to be 45 00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:54.680 paired with my book, but as a little gratitude thank you gift, I've 46 00:03:54.680 --> 00:04:00.599 released these meditations early so you can start working with them now. One is 47 00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:05.319 the Manifesting Technique meditation and the other one is a sacral Chakra Technique meditation to 48 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:09.879 call your power back, get them obsessed with you. Those links will also 49 00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:15.080 be in the show notes. Without further ado, let's get into today's episode. 50 00:04:15.439 --> 00:04:18.759 First things Okay, first things first, a little tea. I have 51 00:04:18.879 --> 00:04:26.759 to spill. So recently, my partner told me that he was going on 52 00:04:26.800 --> 00:04:30.360 a business trip. And I used to have such bad anxiety every time he 53 00:04:30.360 --> 00:04:32.199 would go on a business trip. It was the worst thing that gonna happened 54 00:04:32.199 --> 00:04:36.360 to me. And now I don't even care at all. The spin on 55 00:04:36.439 --> 00:04:41.680 this business trip is he's going to be in an airbnb. It's gonna be 56 00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:44.720 him and two other women, just like living together in a house for a 57 00:04:44.759 --> 00:04:48.120 week. And I was like, oh, okay, that's new. That's 58 00:04:48.600 --> 00:04:55.000 different. Why was my first question? That's not what they usually do. 59 00:04:55.279 --> 00:04:58.839 Everyone else is in a hotel, but for whatever reason, he's in a 60 00:04:58.920 --> 00:05:00.879 house with these two women. And I did think, okay, that's kind 61 00:05:00.879 --> 00:05:04.720 of weird. And I don't have a corporate job. I work for myself. 62 00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:08.399 I have my own business, so I don't know if that's actually weird. 63 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:11.199 But in Cecy's mind, I was like, hmm, it's kind of 64 00:05:11.240 --> 00:05:18.399 weird. Old Cecy would be flipping the fuck out so worried, so anxious, 65 00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:21.800 the thoughts of what's gonna happen. What are you guys gonna do? 66 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:26.439 Are you gonna be talking all night all day? What is gonna be going 67 00:05:26.480 --> 00:05:30.040 on in this house? It should it's not here. Do I love the 68 00:05:30.120 --> 00:05:33.240 idea of it? No, I think it's weird, But like I said, 69 00:05:33.240 --> 00:05:36.560 I don't know if that's normal. I'm pretty sure it's not. But 70 00:05:38.120 --> 00:05:42.680 it's not freaking me out. What I've realized from someone who used to be 71 00:05:42.759 --> 00:05:48.879 totally terribly codependent to someone who is freed herself is that it's not so much 72 00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:55.800 about my external reality as it is about my perception of my external reality. 73 00:05:56.319 --> 00:06:00.879 What is reality but our perception. At the end of the day, nothing 74 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:06.040 matters besides what we perceive, and we are constantly perceiving things in different ways, 75 00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:11.000 and not always in the right way. This is why they have multiple 76 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:16.160 eyewitnesses. Two people can see the exact same situation and come away with two 77 00:06:16.240 --> 00:06:24.680 completely different scenarios that they remember, two completely different meanings. Another thing that 78 00:06:24.759 --> 00:06:27.720 used to trigger me, and this is to give you hope that if these 79 00:06:27.759 --> 00:06:30.680 things are triggering you now, do not worry, because, like I said, 80 00:06:31.160 --> 00:06:36.079 we're transcending these emotions Okay. Another thing that used to drive me crazy 81 00:06:36.240 --> 00:06:40.160 is if it didn't matter if he was on a business trip or not, 82 00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:44.519 but if we were having a conversation and like four hours would go by and 83 00:06:44.560 --> 00:06:46.639 he was at work, but four hours would go by and he didn't text 84 00:06:46.680 --> 00:06:50.959 me back the whole entire four hours, I would be spiraling, who's he 85 00:06:51.040 --> 00:06:55.279 talking to? What is he doing, what's going on? Why isn't he 86 00:06:55.360 --> 00:06:59.879 answering me? And it would just take the joy out of my freaking day. 87 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:02.240 It would take all of my energy and throw it on the floor and 88 00:07:02.839 --> 00:07:05.800 just beat it up, that energy and make it dead energy. That's what 89 00:07:05.839 --> 00:07:12.920 it would do. I realize recently some days, and I had to really 90 00:07:12.959 --> 00:07:16.000 get conscious about this because some days we would go either I would leave the 91 00:07:16.040 --> 00:07:20.279 conversation on red or not even on red, but I just wouldn't answer for 92 00:07:20.319 --> 00:07:24.800 four hours, or he wouldn't answer for four hours, just because we're both 93 00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:30.160 working human beings. And I realize now when that happens, I don't even 94 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:35.120 notice it, and if I do notice it, I'm not spiraling about how 95 00:07:35.279 --> 00:07:40.600 we're gonna break up and how our relationship sucks and how he's going to leave 96 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:44.319 me for someone better, but I used to. So what I've noticed is 97 00:07:44.360 --> 00:07:47.759 that the same thing sometimes still happens, but how I'm perceiving it and the 98 00:07:47.839 --> 00:07:53.519 meeting I'm giving it is the only thing that has changed. He used to 99 00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:56.439 go on business trips. He still does. I used to have anxiety. 100 00:07:56.480 --> 00:08:00.519 I don't anymore. We used to have these spans of time. We wouldn't 101 00:08:00.519 --> 00:08:03.120 speak for four to five hours. They used to drive me in stay. 102 00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:05.319 Now I don't even notice. And it hit me one day where I was 103 00:08:05.360 --> 00:08:09.680 like, wow, Wow, First of all, hello growth. Secondly, 104 00:08:11.279 --> 00:08:13.519 the same thing is happening, yet I'm perceiving it's so much different. I 105 00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:18.759 don't even care anymore. It's not even a thing. Even when we would 106 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:22.240 go to the gym together. At first, I go to a body building 107 00:08:22.279 --> 00:08:28.800 gym. Why, I don't know, Okay, can I go to a 108 00:08:28.839 --> 00:08:31.480 normal gym? Sharp I've just gone to this gym for most of my life. 109 00:08:31.759 --> 00:08:35.559 And I used to be like, holy fucking shit, all these muscle 110 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:37.080 mommies are here, and like I'm walking in, I'm like, what's up 111 00:08:37.159 --> 00:08:41.639 everyone, I'm not a bodybuilder? Hi mcc how are you? And I 112 00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:46.159 used to get so insecure, like everyone their butt is like up to their 113 00:08:46.279 --> 00:08:48.759 chin and their muscles, and I'm just standing around. I'm like, holy 114 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:54.039 shit, And you really used to make me feel insecure. Like if my 115 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:58.759 partner looked at one of their asses, I'd be like he or anything anything 116 00:09:00.159 --> 00:09:03.679 he couldn't Even before he could even look at their ass, I was scanning 117 00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:05.879 to see if he was Like I was just so hyper vigilant of who is 118 00:09:05.919 --> 00:09:09.200 he looking at? Is he talking to someone? What is happening now when 119 00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:11.879 we go to gym, And by the way, there was nothing that was 120 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:15.960 happening. I was just like scanning to see just in case there was a 121 00:09:15.960 --> 00:09:20.159 potential threat, I would take him down. Yeah, that's not a fun 122 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:24.200 way to live, but it's how I lived for a lot of my life, 123 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:26.000 and maybe it's how you're living now. There's hope, don't worry. 124 00:09:28.080 --> 00:09:28.960 Now. When we go to the gym, I'm like, peace, I'm 125 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:33.080 gonna go do legs or piece. I'm gonna go do you know whatever the 126 00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:37.279 fuck I doing at the gym. It's just such a different energy. So 127 00:09:37.399 --> 00:09:41.720 I noticed that, Okay, there are so many patterns in my life right 128 00:09:41.759 --> 00:09:46.000 now that are repeating, and instead of me being triggered by going to the 129 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:48.480 gym, or him going on a business trip, him being in a house 130 00:09:48.519 --> 00:09:54.080 with women, just him and women I don't know, instead of me getting 131 00:09:54.120 --> 00:10:00.080 so worried about the texting or this or that, I don't care. I 132 00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:05.759 love him, we have a great relationship, but I don't care. I 133 00:10:05.799 --> 00:10:09.879 don't care. I'm secure in myself now that if you want to leave, 134 00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:15.320 say a fucking Nora. If you want to stay, welcome home. If 135 00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:18.919 you want to come have fun with me, Let's go have fun, Let's 136 00:10:18.960 --> 00:10:22.960 go heal, Let's let's have a healing session with a shaman. Let's go 137 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:26.480 on a roller coaster Disney World. I'm coming. If you want to stay 138 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.080 safe. If you don't, I don't have the energy anymore to try to 139 00:10:30.080 --> 00:10:31.480 get people to stay in my life. If you don't want to stay, 140 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:37.360 fucking leave. Okay. There's a quote that says, go where you're celebrated, 141 00:10:37.480 --> 00:10:41.639 not where you're tolerated. And for any codependent or codependent in recovery, 142 00:10:41.759 --> 00:10:50.240 we need we need this reminder. I've done things across my journey that have 143 00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:52.480 helped me, but today we're going to talk about some of the main things 144 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:58.240 that I've shifted in my life that has really helped me become secure in my 145 00:10:58.320 --> 00:11:05.679 relationship. We need to change ourselves and the rest of the world will change 146 00:11:05.679 --> 00:11:11.039 with us. Why Because, like I said, our perception is our reality. 147 00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:13.759 I think a lot of us try so hard to control everything. We 148 00:11:13.799 --> 00:11:16.759 try to control our boyfriend, We try to control our girlfriend, we try 149 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:22.320 to control the circumstance. We try to control who they're talking to. I 150 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:26.200 don't want to control anyone. I want to see what you do, and 151 00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:28.360 then based on that, I will decide whether or not I want to stay 152 00:11:28.759 --> 00:11:33.399 in your life and if I want you to stay in mind because if you 153 00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:37.080 think about it, if your partner wants to let other girls photos, they 154 00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:41.360 want to comment on their half naked photos, if they want to do it, 155 00:11:41.759 --> 00:11:46.279 let them and leave because why would you want someone with that character in 156 00:11:46.320 --> 00:11:54.000 your life. I had to come to myself and just be real and say 157 00:11:54.120 --> 00:11:58.679 CC. If someone doesn't want to be in your life, if they're going 158 00:11:58.720 --> 00:12:01.600 to do shady shit, why a fuck do you want them to be in 159 00:12:01.639 --> 00:12:05.039 your life? Why do you want to hold on so badly to people who 160 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:09.559 don't want to hold on to you? Why are you trying so hard? 161 00:12:09.639 --> 00:12:15.519 You're exhausted, My girl, you are tired, What are you doing? 162 00:12:16.120 --> 00:12:20.600 And in that moment, now, this was years ago now, but in 163 00:12:20.679 --> 00:12:24.879 that moment, it just made me realize, Yeah, what am I doing? 164 00:12:24.480 --> 00:12:30.519 I'm wasting so much energy trying to control other people when I could be 165 00:12:30.639 --> 00:12:35.240 using that energy to fine tune my vibration. I could be using that energy 166 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:39.639 to build friendships. I could be using that energy to build my own career, 167 00:12:39.279 --> 00:12:45.879 my brand, my social media platforms. Why am I wasting my own 168 00:12:46.039 --> 00:12:50.480 energy? Why? What is the point so I can hold on to someone 169 00:12:50.519 --> 00:12:56.080 who's kind of shitty? What would be the point of that? So I 170 00:12:56.120 --> 00:12:58.759 can keep people around who make me feel small? What would be the point 171 00:12:58.799 --> 00:13:09.799 of that? Let go and let God. Our internal world quickly bleeds out 172 00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:15.120 into our external world and starts to make us feel very uncomfortable. And our 173 00:13:15.159 --> 00:13:22.159 beliefs will color our relationships so fast you will blank and your whole entire relationship 174 00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:26.080 will be your worst nightmare. What do I mean by this? If you 175 00:13:26.159 --> 00:13:30.559 have an internal belief that you are not good enough, that you are not 176 00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:33.879 pretty enough, that you are not smart enough, you will start painting that 177 00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:41.000 belief in your relationship. You will fill in their blanks with your worst nightmare, 178 00:13:41.200 --> 00:13:46.399 your biggest fear. This is how our internal world becomes our external one. 179 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:50.720 When I was dealing with codependency and I have this deep seated fear that 180 00:13:50.799 --> 00:13:56.799 I wasn't good enough. Every time we would have a two hour silence span 181 00:13:56.919 --> 00:13:58.639 because he was working or I was working, I would think, well, 182 00:13:58.679 --> 00:14:01.919 I'm not good enough. He's gonna find someone else. This is why he's 183 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:07.919 not texting back. Forget being in a long term relationship. If we're dating, 184 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:13.000 this is oh my god, it's very difficult because every time someone doesn't 185 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:18.320 answer right away, every time someone maybe is at work or maybe they do 186 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:22.720 ghosts, We're constantly making it about how we are not good enough, how 187 00:14:22.759 --> 00:14:26.320 we're not smart enough, we're not pretty enough. Only if I changed everything 188 00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:30.960 that I did, he would have liked me. Why are we chasing everyone? 189 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:37.200 We have to realize that our beliefs about ourselves will bleed into our external 190 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:41.320 and it will color everything in our life. It will color our relationships. 191 00:14:41.799 --> 00:14:46.000 So if we have a fear or a belief that we're not good enough, 192 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:50.840 we're not pretty enough, we're always chosen. Second, this is an inside 193 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:56.200 job. This is something Yeah, your relationships will trigger it, but they 194 00:14:56.240 --> 00:15:01.080 won't heal it. You have to do that. Your relationship will bring out 195 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:07.240 your biggest fear. Who's going to transcend your fear? You are? That's 196 00:15:07.279 --> 00:15:13.919 a you job. Your triggers are your problem. We want to have gratitude 197 00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:18.320 for our relationships because they really are the things that are going to trigger us 198 00:15:18.600 --> 00:15:22.480 the most deeply. Our intimate relationships. People think, oh, it's gonna 199 00:15:22.519 --> 00:15:28.000 be so fun and like rainbows and love and lollypops. No, your intimate 200 00:15:28.000 --> 00:15:33.200 relationships are going to be your deepest triggers. Welcome, Welcome. They will 201 00:15:33.240 --> 00:15:39.320 trigger you the deepest. They're gonna push you to heal the furthest That's the 202 00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:43.879 whole entire point. Your relationship with another is supposed to trigger you so fucking 203 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:48.120 hard that you go back to your true, authentic frequency. It's meant to 204 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:52.480 trigger you so hard that you peel back every single layer of who you think 205 00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:58.240 you are and you just step into exactly who you truly are. That's what 206 00:15:58.279 --> 00:16:00.200 your relationship is supposed to be, not just I bid it indeed into you 207 00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:04.679 that it's not bring you anywhere. It's not gonna bring you anywhere. It's 208 00:16:04.679 --> 00:16:11.039 not going to do anything. Surface level relationships or surface level that's it, 209 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:18.480 end of story period. Most of the time, our fears and what we're 210 00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:21.720 perceiving has nothing to do with our partner, but it has so much more 211 00:16:21.799 --> 00:16:26.799 to do with our beliefs. Our beliefs will build our world. So even 212 00:16:26.840 --> 00:16:30.799 though your partner may be triggering the belief I'm not good enough, it didn't 213 00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:33.039 start with your partner. It started with you, probably when you're about four 214 00:16:33.120 --> 00:16:37.320 years old and your mom told you not to do something, or your mom 215 00:16:37.399 --> 00:16:40.759 or dad made you feel type of way. That's when it started. So 216 00:16:40.879 --> 00:16:45.039 this is an inner child's healing moment, not a moment for you to energetically 217 00:16:45.159 --> 00:16:52.200 chase them and try to prove your worth your value. Why are we doing 218 00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:57.440 that? If someone can't see your value, let them continuously be blind to 219 00:16:57.559 --> 00:17:04.079 your value. You're not a saleswoman. You're not meant to sell yourself to 220 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:08.240 every which person. You're meant to find someone who can see your worth and 221 00:17:08.279 --> 00:17:12.799 you can see theirs. There's a difference. So what we want to do 222 00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:19.039 to become secure in our relationship is first become secure within ourselves. I want 223 00:17:19.079 --> 00:17:23.359 you to find something first that you're good at, and every time you do 224 00:17:23.400 --> 00:17:26.480 this thing, I want I need you to celebrate yourself. I just had 225 00:17:26.519 --> 00:17:33.200 one of my clients not energetically chase someone who she usually would She would usually 226 00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:36.000 do this thing, and for the first time she didn't do it, and 227 00:17:36.039 --> 00:17:40.640 I was like, hello, we need to celebrate this moment. This is 228 00:17:40.920 --> 00:17:45.480 progress. We're not looking for perfection. We're looking for progress. To build 229 00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:49.319 up your self esteem and your security within yourself. You need to stop talking 230 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:52.880 to yourself so negatively, and we need to start to shift into positive self 231 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:57.519 talk. How can we shift into positive self talk? Start celebrating your big 232 00:17:57.559 --> 00:18:02.799 and your little winds. I don't care if you made CEO or you made 233 00:18:02.799 --> 00:18:07.160 your fucking bed. Celebrate yourself, acknowledge your wins. Why because you know 234 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:11.279 what, people out there, they're gonna hurt us. They're gonna find our 235 00:18:11.319 --> 00:18:15.200 faults. They're gonna see where we're losing, and they'll point it out. 236 00:18:15.480 --> 00:18:18.880 You know who halts to fucking celebrate you? You do? You do? 237 00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:22.920 There are going to be people out there who are going to try to take 238 00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:27.200 you down. Do not be one of those people. You came here onto 239 00:18:27.359 --> 00:18:33.000 this planet to live a good life, to learn developing row. You didn't 240 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:37.960 come here to beat yourself up. So every time we do something, even 241 00:18:37.960 --> 00:18:40.880 if it's a little bit good, a little or a big win, I 242 00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:47.160 need you to start celebrating yourself because over time, these little celebratory talks that 243 00:18:47.240 --> 00:18:49.200 you have with yourself are going to build up your self esteem and have you 244 00:18:49.279 --> 00:18:55.440 quantum leaping onto your desired timeline. They're gonna have you feeling secure within yourself. 245 00:18:55.720 --> 00:18:59.119 How can you feel secure within yourself if all you do is shit talk 246 00:18:59.119 --> 00:19:03.319 yourself internally? The voice you hear the most, it's your own. What 247 00:19:03.319 --> 00:19:06.559 are you saying to yourself? How you're not good at anything, how everyone 248 00:19:06.680 --> 00:19:08.559 is better, how you're a failure. Oh yeah, that's really going to 249 00:19:08.599 --> 00:19:12.920 make you feel so secure. Hello, this is common sense, but sometimes 250 00:19:12.920 --> 00:19:17.240 we just need someone to remind us of this. I know I did, 251 00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:22.319 and that's why I'm here for you. We're being reminded that the voice we 252 00:19:22.359 --> 00:19:26.200 hear the most is our own, and if we're constantly telling ourselves negative things 253 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:30.359 about ourselves, we are building a very scary place for our own spirit to 254 00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:36.960 live. How could our energy feel safe in a vessel that's trying to destroy 255 00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:41.640 it telling it how terrible it is If you lived in a home that was 256 00:19:41.759 --> 00:19:45.599 verbally abusive. That doesn't feel like a safe home. If internally you're being 257 00:19:45.720 --> 00:19:49.720 verbally abusive to yourself, that is not a safe place for you to live. 258 00:19:51.119 --> 00:19:53.279 So of course you're going to feel insecure within yourself, and of course 259 00:19:53.440 --> 00:19:59.039 that will bleed into every one of your relationships because your internal world will always 260 00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:02.799 be mirrored back to you in your external one. So first things first, 261 00:20:02.799 --> 00:20:06.839 we're gonna start to shift our negative talk. And I'm giving you an exact 262 00:20:06.880 --> 00:20:10.079 tool to use. I'm not just saying, hey, talk to yourself positively. 263 00:20:10.200 --> 00:20:14.640 No, when you do something daily. I'm talking daily, three times 264 00:20:14.640 --> 00:20:17.720 a day. If you can, Oh, yay, I actually brushed my 265 00:20:17.759 --> 00:20:19.880 hair today, Good jobs E see oh yes, I did my workout. 266 00:20:19.960 --> 00:20:25.000 Let's fucking go. Clap for yourself, Pat yourself on the back, give 267 00:20:25.079 --> 00:20:29.240 yourself a hug. You know that our own touch can reduce cordisal in our 268 00:20:29.279 --> 00:20:33.079 body, our stress hormone. Do not sleep on the hugs that you can 269 00:20:33.119 --> 00:20:38.680 give to yourself. We need to create a harmonious, peaceful sanctuary internally for 270 00:20:38.759 --> 00:20:44.400 us to feel peaceful externally, because let me tell you, when I hated 271 00:20:44.480 --> 00:20:47.359 my body the most I ever had, when I was depressed, when I 272 00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:51.839 was anxious when I had someone trying to give me sleeping pills. When all 273 00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:55.599 that was happening and more, I felt very insecure in my own body, 274 00:20:55.680 --> 00:21:00.359 and of course I felt so insecure in my relationship. I was calm suddenly 275 00:21:00.440 --> 00:21:03.960 looking over who's but is he looking at? What is he doing? What 276 00:21:03.039 --> 00:21:07.799 are is it going to do next? Instead of giving all your power away 277 00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:11.160 trying to figure out what your partner is doing wrong, start celebrating what you're 278 00:21:11.279 --> 00:21:17.960 doing right. You incarnated in your body. This person may be inside of 279 00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:19.720 you, I don't know a couple times a week. You're inside of you 280 00:21:19.960 --> 00:21:23.599 every day for the rest of your life. So you better start talking to 281 00:21:23.640 --> 00:21:27.839 yourself in a way that's a little bit more sweet. Okay, thank you. 282 00:21:29.960 --> 00:21:33.559 Next point, I want you to choose something you want to work on. 283 00:21:33.400 --> 00:21:38.759 What is something that you're like, yeah, and I'm okay, it 284 00:21:38.839 --> 00:21:44.480 could be better. I have adopted the belief. And it's really because the 285 00:21:44.480 --> 00:21:48.720 Pelton I think it's Lena, the Pelton instructor always says, or it's Rebecca, 286 00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:51.599 I can't remember. One of them always says, how you do one 287 00:21:51.599 --> 00:21:56.759 thing is how you do everything. And I love that because it always pushes 288 00:21:56.759 --> 00:22:00.279 me to just do better in whatever I'm doing, whether I'm editing my book 289 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:06.359 or doing a workout or making this podcast. I say to myself, how 290 00:22:06.400 --> 00:22:08.279 I do one thing is how I do everything. Let me do this the 291 00:22:08.279 --> 00:22:12.599 best that I possibly can. What's one thing that you want to work on? 292 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:18.519 And I want you to start practicing this thing weekly daily if you can, 293 00:22:18.599 --> 00:22:23.079 but if not daily, some life gets crazy weekly. Something I want 294 00:22:23.079 --> 00:22:26.640 to work on is really getting down more of my yoga poses and becoming more 295 00:22:26.680 --> 00:22:30.440 flexible. Since I was little in dancing school, I've always wanted to be 296 00:22:30.480 --> 00:22:34.079 able to do the splits. A girl has not been able to do the 297 00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:40.440 splits. However, as I've become more psychologically flexible, I also want to 298 00:22:40.480 --> 00:22:47.000 become more flexible in my physical vessel. So I'm really committing myself to I 299 00:22:47.039 --> 00:22:52.359 do yoga anyway, but I'm really committing myself to putting in that extra time 300 00:22:52.960 --> 00:22:59.480 and extra attention to fully stepping into my yoga moment and being able to do 301 00:22:59.519 --> 00:23:02.680 all the is that I can kind of do but want to get better at. 302 00:23:03.359 --> 00:23:07.359 Find a strain something that you're not that great at, and find a 303 00:23:07.400 --> 00:23:11.839 strain that's going to serve you meaning practice this thing. The more you practice 304 00:23:11.880 --> 00:23:15.039 something, the better you get, no matter what it is. The more 305 00:23:15.119 --> 00:23:18.519 you practice and the better you get, you're gonna start to build up self 306 00:23:18.599 --> 00:23:22.079 esteem within yourself. You're gonna be like, damn, look at my progress, 307 00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:25.000 Damn, look at how good I am at this. Also, you're 308 00:23:25.000 --> 00:23:29.759 gonna feel diversified. When I went through a breakup, all I was was 309 00:23:29.759 --> 00:23:32.200 a girlfriend. I was in school at the time, and I had good 310 00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:33.960 grades, whatever, I go to the gym, but I was just like, 311 00:23:34.240 --> 00:23:38.880 you know, existing, and I didn't feel diversified. When my partner 312 00:23:38.960 --> 00:23:45.079 left me, I was like, the only identity I just realized I had 313 00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:48.519 was that I'm a girlfriend. And now I don't have the identity of a 314 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:53.759 girlfriend. So what am I supposed to do now? Diversify yourself. That's 315 00:23:53.759 --> 00:23:57.079 what makes you so magnetic, if you think about it. You go out 316 00:23:57.240 --> 00:24:03.000 right and you're at a bar and you meet someone. Maybe they're really funny, 317 00:24:03.079 --> 00:24:06.160 but if they have nothing else going for them, you're like, yeah, 318 00:24:06.200 --> 00:24:10.559 they're really funny, but that's it. Or maybe they're really good looking, 319 00:24:10.799 --> 00:24:14.559 but that's it. They're sorry to say this, but dumb as a 320 00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:17.240 rock. And so you're like yeah, they're really good looking, but like 321 00:24:18.960 --> 00:24:22.519 surface level, you know, maybe you meet someone they have a really good 322 00:24:22.559 --> 00:24:27.319 job, but that's it. What makes someone so magnetic is they have a 323 00:24:27.400 --> 00:24:33.519 diversified set of attributes. They might be funny, but they also have a 324 00:24:33.519 --> 00:24:38.440 pretty good job, and they have a great work ethic, and they love 325 00:24:38.519 --> 00:24:42.240 to read, and they have hobbies. What makes someone interesting, which is 326 00:24:42.279 --> 00:24:48.240 another way of saying what makes someone magnetic, is that they have a diversified 327 00:24:48.559 --> 00:24:52.960 set of attributes. This is your moment, baby girl, stop focusing on 328 00:24:52.960 --> 00:24:56.880 that other person and say what can I What can I strengthen in my own 329 00:24:56.920 --> 00:24:59.920 life? Okay, I'm good at that, So I'm going to sell a 330 00:25:00.039 --> 00:25:03.279 bring myself doing that every day. I'm gonna start shifting myself. Talk. 331 00:25:03.680 --> 00:25:07.640 What's something I can actually grow through? Is it yoga? Is it? 332 00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:10.440 I'm going to start reading. I'm gonna start listening to Ted talks. I'm 333 00:25:10.440 --> 00:25:15.200 going to learn a new language. I'm going to learn how to build stuff. 334 00:25:15.599 --> 00:25:18.559 Whatever it is, whatever it is? What is something you can start 335 00:25:18.559 --> 00:25:25.200 to pick up and diversify something maybe you've always been interested in but haven't gone 336 00:25:25.240 --> 00:25:29.279 after. Something you've wanted to do but maybe haven't set aside the time. 337 00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:33.759 This is the moment to set aside the time. Why because it's going to 338 00:25:33.799 --> 00:25:37.119 help you take back your focus, which takes back your power and your energy. 339 00:25:37.400 --> 00:25:40.759 But it also is going to build your confidence. It's going to build 340 00:25:40.920 --> 00:25:44.759 you to be a more secure person because when you go out, you're not 341 00:25:44.839 --> 00:25:51.920 thinking, I have to rely just on my looks. I've seen women in 342 00:25:52.000 --> 00:25:56.960 my life who have only been validated for their looks and then going through the 343 00:25:56.000 --> 00:26:02.480 aging process because they're getting older now is not pretty. They are not They 344 00:26:02.519 --> 00:26:07.079 are having a crisis. All they've ever been validated for is their looks, 345 00:26:07.079 --> 00:26:10.480 and now that they feel I think they're beautiful, they feel that they don't 346 00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:14.480 have that anymore. They are going through crisis. You want to feel that 347 00:26:14.559 --> 00:26:18.079 you can validate yourself in a diversified set of ways. Okay, I'm smart, 348 00:26:18.160 --> 00:26:21.480 I like to read, I love spirituality, but you know what, 349 00:26:21.920 --> 00:26:26.599 I'm also really into going to yoga and fitness and food. And I'm also 350 00:26:26.640 --> 00:26:30.240 really into it. It doesn't matter like whatever it is. But don't make 351 00:26:30.279 --> 00:26:33.319 it a passive hobby like oh I love how I met your mother. No, 352 00:26:33.519 --> 00:26:37.359 make it something that you do, like I love making jewelry, I 353 00:26:37.440 --> 00:26:40.599 have this side hustle. I'm really into my job, but I also love 354 00:26:40.640 --> 00:26:45.039 to have fun. You want to make it so you're diversified, not only 355 00:26:45.279 --> 00:26:48.000 so you can have a diversified set of attributes making you magnetic, not only 356 00:26:48.039 --> 00:26:52.240 so you can take your power back and refocus on you, but because you're 357 00:26:52.240 --> 00:26:56.480 going to have so much fun discovering all new parts of yourself as you find 358 00:26:56.480 --> 00:26:59.720 a strain that serves you. I always get the question, how can I 359 00:27:00.240 --> 00:27:03.799 thinking of them, my ax, my partner, whatever it may be, 360 00:27:03.200 --> 00:27:07.039 the person I'm dating, And I always say, you need to be focused 361 00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:11.160 on doing something new, because when you're doing something new, that's a strain 362 00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:15.960 that's a little bit harder. You have to be present. When I'm in 363 00:27:15.079 --> 00:27:18.400 yoga trying to do a split, I can't focus on what my partner is 364 00:27:18.480 --> 00:27:22.400 doing, or in ex is doing. I need to focus on my body 365 00:27:22.440 --> 00:27:25.599 or else I'm going to break myself. When I'm trying to do a headstand, 366 00:27:25.640 --> 00:27:29.119 I can't focus on what he said last week. I need to be 367 00:27:29.160 --> 00:27:32.559 focused on what I'm doing. When you are trying to learn a new language, 368 00:27:32.640 --> 00:27:36.279 learn a new pose, trying a new hobby, you can't be thinking 369 00:27:36.279 --> 00:27:38.759 about what someone else is doing in their reality, because you are so plugged 370 00:27:38.799 --> 00:27:41.880 in to what's in front of you, because you're trying to learn something. 371 00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:47.880 And as you build new neurological pathways in relation to this new hobby, you're 372 00:27:47.920 --> 00:27:53.359 going to have less neurological pathways in relation to obsessing about them. The more 373 00:27:53.440 --> 00:27:57.400 you break the habit of thinking about them, and the more you refocus on 374 00:27:57.480 --> 00:28:03.680 you, the more magnetic you become, the less anxious you become, the 375 00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:08.279 happier you become. Everything falls into place. It's a beautiful life to live. 376 00:28:08.880 --> 00:28:14.640 Let's start living it. Another thing, I want you to pick out 377 00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:18.880 something you're insecure about. Now. This can be your body. It can 378 00:28:18.920 --> 00:28:23.759 be your looks. It can be your brain you feel like you're not smart 379 00:28:23.880 --> 00:28:27.279 enough. It can be your job, your career, your path. It 380 00:28:27.319 --> 00:28:30.440 can be I feel like I have no friends. I want you to pick 381 00:28:30.519 --> 00:28:36.599 something you're insecure about, and I want you to ask yourself, is this 382 00:28:36.720 --> 00:28:41.279 something I can change? Okay, what should I do to change it? 383 00:28:41.440 --> 00:28:47.160 Or is this something I can't change? How can I surrender to it? 384 00:28:48.039 --> 00:28:52.759 So we're asking ourselves these questions because it's very important. If I think I 385 00:28:52.839 --> 00:28:56.200 hate my body, I hate my body. I hate my body. That's 386 00:28:56.319 --> 00:29:02.119 not doing anything, that's always time and energy. It's gonna make me feel 387 00:29:02.119 --> 00:29:06.200 worse about myself. Not gonna help, it's gonna be boring. Instead of 388 00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:07.119 saying I hate my body, I hate my body. What I want, 389 00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:10.799 what I want you to do, and what I would do for myself, 390 00:29:10.839 --> 00:29:15.160 is say, okay, hmm, this is something I'm insecure about. That's 391 00:29:15.200 --> 00:29:19.839 fine. Is this something I can change? Well? I can eat different, 392 00:29:19.880 --> 00:29:23.000 I can drink more water. I can get cuter clothes. I can 393 00:29:23.000 --> 00:29:26.799 get clothes that fit me. I can go to the gym. I can 394 00:29:26.799 --> 00:29:29.240 try a yoga class. I can stretch, I can go for a walk. 395 00:29:29.960 --> 00:29:33.799 If there's an actionable step you can take, fucking take it. Stop 396 00:29:33.839 --> 00:29:37.799 wasting your own time. We're all gonna be dead one day. Hello, 397 00:29:37.240 --> 00:29:41.200 stop wasting your own time. If there's an actual step, fucking do it. 398 00:29:41.440 --> 00:29:45.160 What are you doing? If there's an actual step, take it? 399 00:29:45.559 --> 00:29:49.119 If not, say all right, how can I surrender to this? This 400 00:29:49.200 --> 00:29:52.480 is one of those moments where we have to let go and like God. 401 00:29:52.880 --> 00:29:56.079 If it's something like oh I hate that I was fired, blah blah, 402 00:29:56.880 --> 00:30:00.400 okay, well you were, so what can you learn from it, and 403 00:30:00.480 --> 00:30:04.559 how can you surrender? I personally love the Serenity prayer, which you can 404 00:30:04.599 --> 00:30:07.440 look up, or you can make up your own surrender statement and say, 405 00:30:07.480 --> 00:30:11.440 God, I don't know what the fuck is going on. I feel miserable. 406 00:30:11.640 --> 00:30:14.160 I don't know what to do with my life right now. Give it 407 00:30:14.240 --> 00:30:15.880 up to God. Let go, let God, let go, and let 408 00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:21.240 flow. There's either an actionable step you can take or you have to surrender. 409 00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:22.559 If it's out of your control, it's out of your control. Stop 410 00:30:22.640 --> 00:30:29.920 wasting your own time. Stop stop stop it, stop it and work on 411 00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:32.920 what you're insecure about. Because a lot of the things we're insecure about we 412 00:30:33.000 --> 00:30:36.440 can simply change. And I know people are like, well, just accept 413 00:30:36.480 --> 00:30:40.160 it, Like just love it. If you hate something about yourself and it 414 00:30:40.200 --> 00:30:45.759 can be changed, change it. When I was thirty to forty plus pounds, 415 00:30:45.200 --> 00:30:48.839 if someone told me, we'll just accept it, I was like, 416 00:30:48.920 --> 00:30:52.759 no, I feel like shit. I don't feel good in this size. 417 00:30:52.799 --> 00:30:56.839 It's just not what I feel my best self in. I'm not eating good. 418 00:30:56.519 --> 00:31:00.160 I was drinking way too much on the weekends. I'm not really working 419 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:03.440 out as best as I could. I was doing the wrong workouts for my 420 00:31:03.480 --> 00:31:07.759 body as well. If someone told me we'll just accept it. No no, 421 00:31:07.759 --> 00:31:12.119 no, no, no no no. If you don't like something about 422 00:31:12.160 --> 00:31:17.440 yourself and it's something that can be changed, but I also do I'll say 423 00:31:17.440 --> 00:31:19.559 this, Okay, if you don't like something about yourself and it can be 424 00:31:19.640 --> 00:31:25.880 changed, go change it, okay, whatever, but make it realistic, 425 00:31:26.480 --> 00:31:30.359 okay, because I think some people think, well, if I just get 426 00:31:30.039 --> 00:31:33.519 bigger lips or bigger boobs or a bigger butt, everything in my life, 427 00:31:33.559 --> 00:31:37.640 oh my god, it's it's gonna be so sweet. Everything's gonna be perfect 428 00:31:37.720 --> 00:31:40.160 for me. Everything will change it. I'm gonna be the Queen of England. 429 00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:45.799 That's not true. So if you're going to change something, just be 430 00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:49.440 real about why you're changing it and what your intention is. If you want 431 00:31:49.440 --> 00:31:52.119 bigger lips because you're like I just think it would look better and I just 432 00:31:52.160 --> 00:31:56.960 prefer that, okay, fine, But if you think it's gonna solve your 433 00:31:56.000 --> 00:32:01.720 worst fears and your insecurity and your codependency, that's not true. No amount 434 00:32:01.759 --> 00:32:08.160 of filler or botox or any plastic thing you can do to your body can 435 00:32:08.359 --> 00:32:15.039 make you not codependent. Codependency is an inside job. I just want to 436 00:32:15.079 --> 00:32:19.240 put that out there. It can make you feel better if you don't like 437 00:32:19.359 --> 00:32:22.799 something physically, and that's the reason you're doing it. Sure, but it's 438 00:32:22.880 --> 00:32:24.920 not going to Oh, you wake up and you're no longer codependent. You 439 00:32:24.960 --> 00:32:28.839 can get all the botox you want. When your partner's on a business trip, 440 00:32:28.880 --> 00:32:32.519 you will still feel codependent because it's an inside job. So change what 441 00:32:32.599 --> 00:32:37.720 you want to change, but have realistic, a realistic understanding of what the 442 00:32:37.759 --> 00:32:42.160 results are going to bring you. Okay, that's just like the caveat side. 443 00:32:42.200 --> 00:32:45.599 Note, Now let's talk about those are things we can do right. 444 00:32:45.640 --> 00:32:51.359 We can celebrate ourselves. We can find something to work on, find something 445 00:32:51.400 --> 00:32:54.119 to diversify, we can find out what am I insecure about? Okay, 446 00:32:54.119 --> 00:32:58.680 how can I just start changing this instead of harping on it? Because harping 447 00:32:58.720 --> 00:33:01.720 on it doesn't do anything. Talking about the problem doesn't solve it. So 448 00:33:01.759 --> 00:33:07.519 instead of being problem oriented, we want to become solution oriented. The next 449 00:33:07.519 --> 00:33:09.359 thing I want you to do is, now we're going to shift gears a 450 00:33:09.359 --> 00:33:14.960 little bit and start to talk about our partner. One thing you can do 451 00:33:15.640 --> 00:33:19.559 heavy on the law of assumption for this episode. The law of assumption basically 452 00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:24.000 says that what you assume will be stop assuming the worst. I know when 453 00:33:24.000 --> 00:33:30.480 codependency for me was at its height, I was on constant SS, constant 454 00:33:30.599 --> 00:33:36.200 threat scanning, analysis analysis. Paralysis is like my new favorite word because I 455 00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:38.160 have experienced it so many times and didn't have a name for it. That 456 00:33:38.279 --> 00:33:42.680 is exactly what it is. You're so in your head, you're so looking 457 00:33:42.720 --> 00:33:45.680 around, you're so anxious that you just can't even think straight, and you 458 00:33:45.720 --> 00:33:51.480 start assuming the worst. If you need help balancing your nervous system, go 459 00:33:51.559 --> 00:33:53.640 back to last week for how to stress Less, because we talk about the 460 00:33:53.680 --> 00:33:59.000 vagus nerve and that is going to help you get from this really stressed out 461 00:33:59.319 --> 00:34:04.079 state to a more relaxed state. But for this episode, we're going to 462 00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:07.280 talk more so about how to assume the correct way. I want you to 463 00:34:07.320 --> 00:34:14.079 start assuming the best things about your partner. Start assuming the best. I'm 464 00:34:14.079 --> 00:34:16.800 not saying ignore red flags. I'm not saying ignore what's in front of you. 465 00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:21.960 Have your eyes open. But if they've given you no reason to doubt 466 00:34:22.039 --> 00:34:25.760 them, they've not done anything when they're out for yourself. This is not 467 00:34:25.840 --> 00:34:30.519 even for them. I don't care who's listening to this. Them are you. 468 00:34:30.559 --> 00:34:32.840 I don't really care about what they're doing. I care about you. 469 00:34:32.880 --> 00:34:37.280 I care about how you're feeling. Assume the best for yourself. When I 470 00:34:37.320 --> 00:34:43.079 started assuming the best about what my partner was doing, not only did it 471 00:34:43.119 --> 00:34:46.559 help our relationship, I'm sure he was happy. It made me feel so 472 00:34:46.679 --> 00:34:51.880 much better. Assuming my partner is cheating on me feels like shit. Assuming 473 00:34:51.920 --> 00:34:55.079 my partner's just doing his job makes me feel really good. Woo money yay. 474 00:34:57.039 --> 00:35:01.519 Totally totally different mindset. Assume the best, not for them, but 475 00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:06.639 for you. You got to get out of this lifetime alive. Girl. 476 00:35:06.960 --> 00:35:10.480 It's you, So what can you do to help yourself? Assume the best 477 00:35:10.679 --> 00:35:15.880 about them. Something I would do is every time my partner did something caring 478 00:35:15.920 --> 00:35:20.039 for me, I would just make a note of it, because sometimes when 479 00:35:20.079 --> 00:35:24.199 you're at the height of your codependent tendencies, they won't answer for one hour, 480 00:35:24.320 --> 00:35:28.239 and you'll start scanning everything they've ever done that you didn't like, and 481 00:35:28.320 --> 00:35:34.480 you'll go into a full anxious mindset. I want you to start writing down 482 00:35:34.519 --> 00:35:37.280 everything they do that you really appreciate. They text you good morning, they 483 00:35:37.320 --> 00:35:42.199 leave you notes, they open the car door for you. Write down and 484 00:35:42.320 --> 00:35:45.119 note their caring behaviors and have that list on your phone, so when you're 485 00:35:45.159 --> 00:35:51.840 about to spiral, interrupt that spiral and look at the list. Remind yourself 486 00:35:52.039 --> 00:35:53.679 that this is a good person. If they are, remind yourself of the 487 00:35:53.719 --> 00:35:57.559 reality of what it is. So if they're not great, then there's nothing 488 00:35:57.599 --> 00:36:00.800 to remind yourself about. But if they are, and you have this list 489 00:36:00.840 --> 00:36:05.000 and it's going to help you, this is an important point to bring up 490 00:36:05.039 --> 00:36:09.400 now. I was watching The Ultimatum the Queer Love season, and it was 491 00:36:09.480 --> 00:36:15.280 just so crazy to see that when in the Ultimatum you switch partner. So 492 00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:19.880 let's say you and your partner go on you once you get there, you'll 493 00:36:19.920 --> 00:36:23.440 switch partner, so you'll get a new boyfriend girlfriend, and your partner will 494 00:36:23.480 --> 00:36:25.559 be with someone else, and now you have to date that other person. 495 00:36:27.239 --> 00:36:30.320 So it's really crazy, but it's such a good show. Highly recommend it. 496 00:36:30.960 --> 00:36:36.760 And in the Ultimatum Queer Love specifically, I really notice how different partners 497 00:36:36.800 --> 00:36:42.679 affect your nervous system and your attachment system so differently. It wasn't sane to 498 00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:45.360 see and I know this logically, but to see a play out, I 499 00:36:45.440 --> 00:36:50.679 was like, damn, I want you to not just listen to me, 500 00:36:50.760 --> 00:36:53.639 but hear me when I say there are some partners that are going to bring 501 00:36:53.719 --> 00:36:59.000 out your most anxious self, and there are some partners who are going to 502 00:36:59.079 --> 00:37:05.119 bring out your most secure self. You want to find the partner that's going 503 00:37:05.159 --> 00:37:08.719 to bring out your most secure self. If you're with someone right now and 504 00:37:08.760 --> 00:37:13.880 they're not making you feel secure, not all is lost. There are things 505 00:37:13.880 --> 00:37:16.320 you can do to help your relationship that I've done that will help, and 506 00:37:16.360 --> 00:37:22.400 we're going to talk about it. But I want you to understand different partners 507 00:37:22.400 --> 00:37:25.239 will affect you differently. You can see this in Queer Love the Ultimatum season. 508 00:37:25.320 --> 00:37:30.519 Go watch it. You can see how different partners would bring out different 509 00:37:30.559 --> 00:37:35.440 anxieties and some would quell the anxiety, some would make them feel safe, 510 00:37:35.480 --> 00:37:38.599 and others would make them lose their fucking shit. You want to find the 511 00:37:38.599 --> 00:37:43.360 person who makes you feel safe. We've talked about chemistry before. Chemistry is 512 00:37:43.400 --> 00:37:46.280 just a bunch of chemicals. What you want is a feeling of safety, 513 00:37:46.320 --> 00:37:52.880 that is healthy love that's going to make you feel secure. So we want 514 00:37:52.880 --> 00:37:58.559 to acknowledge some partners who are liking half naked pictures of girls they don't know 515 00:37:58.800 --> 00:38:02.400 and not changing that that's someone you don't want to go for Number one immature? 516 00:38:02.559 --> 00:38:06.119 Number two? What are you doing number three? That's going to make 517 00:38:06.159 --> 00:38:09.719 you feel anxious? Now, let's say you're with someone and they're not the 518 00:38:09.760 --> 00:38:13.639 worst, but they're not the best, or you just need some work in 519 00:38:13.679 --> 00:38:17.880 your relationship. You have to communicate it. I know if you tend towards 520 00:38:17.920 --> 00:38:22.039 anxiety, that speaking up for your needs. If you've been a people pleaser 521 00:38:22.119 --> 00:38:25.679 your whole life is like the worst thing you've ever heard. But the squeaky 522 00:38:25.719 --> 00:38:30.039 wheel gets the grease if you don't speak up for what it is you need 523 00:38:30.079 --> 00:38:35.000 and want, how is that other person supposed to provide that? If you 524 00:38:35.039 --> 00:38:37.199 don't speak up for what you need and what you want, that person can't 525 00:38:37.199 --> 00:38:40.079 give it to you because they cannot read your mind. You might be thinking, 526 00:38:40.079 --> 00:38:43.719 CC, well, I want someone who can just know what to do. 527 00:38:44.280 --> 00:38:47.639 Okay, have on finding that you can. But it's much much, 528 00:38:47.840 --> 00:38:52.320 much much better when you can just learn how to speak up for yourself, 529 00:38:52.559 --> 00:38:57.840 because maybe that's the divine lesson that you need. In my situation, I 530 00:38:57.880 --> 00:39:00.840 had to learn, Okay, how can I speak up for myself? My 531 00:39:00.000 --> 00:39:07.840 partner had a different culture, different how do I say this childhood, different 532 00:39:07.000 --> 00:39:12.840 upbringing, different everything. He's not going to know what I need, different 533 00:39:12.880 --> 00:39:15.880 attachment style. He's not going to understand me. If I don't even understand 534 00:39:15.880 --> 00:39:20.559 me, and if I don't communicate me, you have to communicate what it 535 00:39:20.760 --> 00:39:23.920 is that you need. If you need help with making boundaries. Two episodes 536 00:39:23.960 --> 00:39:27.800 ago we talked about how to set up boundaries, So go listen to that. 537 00:39:28.840 --> 00:39:31.719 The squeaky wheel gets the grease. You wouldn't know how to do your 538 00:39:31.760 --> 00:39:36.079 homework if your teacher didn't explain what to do. Okay, they don't know 539 00:39:36.119 --> 00:39:37.480 how to fulfill your needs. If you don't tell them what it is you 540 00:39:37.519 --> 00:39:43.079 need, you have to communicate it. Once you communicate what you need, 541 00:39:44.159 --> 00:39:45.960 they do it. Great. If they don't, then you have to decide 542 00:39:46.039 --> 00:39:50.840 how you want to move forward. Is this person worth keeping around? Should 543 00:39:50.840 --> 00:39:53.199 I repeat myself or are they just not getting it and I need to remove 544 00:39:53.239 --> 00:39:59.320 myself from the situation. But no matter what, you cannot blame them if 545 00:39:59.320 --> 00:40:02.280 you can't even speak up for yourself. My partner wouldn't know to call me 546 00:40:02.360 --> 00:40:06.320 once a day at least, or open the car door, or do all 547 00:40:06.320 --> 00:40:09.320 these things, because that's not what he had in his upbringing. I had 548 00:40:09.360 --> 00:40:14.199 to show him. I had to tell him what I want, and frankly, 549 00:40:14.480 --> 00:40:17.079 I don't really care. That doesn't bother me. To tell you how 550 00:40:17.119 --> 00:40:21.880 I want to be treated doesn't bother me. I was changing and growing, 551 00:40:22.119 --> 00:40:24.599 so is he. This is a person I want to build a life with, 552 00:40:24.639 --> 00:40:28.320 a person who I deeply value. So I don't mind telling them, 553 00:40:28.320 --> 00:40:31.559 Hey, this doesn't work for me, but this does to me. It's 554 00:40:31.639 --> 00:40:37.320 so much more intriguing to see someone who listens to you and is willing to 555 00:40:37.360 --> 00:40:40.519 compromise and meet you halfway or meet your needs versus someone who already does these 556 00:40:40.519 --> 00:40:45.639 things. That's great too. But to see someone listen to you and say, 557 00:40:45.719 --> 00:40:46.679 oh, okay, this is what you need, I'm going to do 558 00:40:46.719 --> 00:40:51.440 it to me, that just shows Oh that's a green flag. This is 559 00:40:51.480 --> 00:40:53.079 someone I can keep, This is someone I want to keep around. This 560 00:40:53.119 --> 00:40:58.639 is someone who celebrates me, not just tolerates me. So we need to 561 00:40:58.639 --> 00:41:00.519 know what we want. We need communicate what we want. We need to 562 00:41:00.599 --> 00:41:05.920 keep our eyes open and say, is this someone who in general is making 563 00:41:05.920 --> 00:41:08.920 me more anxious? Is it their actions or is it mine? Do I 564 00:41:08.960 --> 00:41:14.679 need to work on my internal world? Because in relationships, you are bridging 565 00:41:14.719 --> 00:41:19.559 your internal world with the external because you're coming into union with another person. 566 00:41:20.000 --> 00:41:23.079 So most of your relationship will be just things from your own beliefs, but 567 00:41:23.199 --> 00:41:28.840 they also will be bringing their own projections and filters to the table, so 568 00:41:28.920 --> 00:41:30.920 they may sometimes be doing something that you're like, wait a second, no, 569 00:41:30.719 --> 00:41:35.000 no, I'm not just being anxious right now. That isn't okay, 570 00:41:35.039 --> 00:41:38.320 you know, talking to girls liking their stories. That is crossing a line. 571 00:41:39.199 --> 00:41:43.840 You have to know your boundaries in order to communicate them. Maybe you 572 00:41:43.920 --> 00:41:45.760 need some space to figure out, you know, what are my boundaries, 573 00:41:45.800 --> 00:41:51.039 what am I not okay with? What works and what doesn't in order to 574 00:41:51.039 --> 00:41:55.599 actually communicate them. Positive bitches. If this episode resonated with you, if 575 00:41:55.599 --> 00:42:00.599 you enjoyed it, please leave a positive review on Apple podcast and Spotify. 576 00:42:00.639 --> 00:42:04.000 It helps the podcast grow, it helps me, it helps us, it 577 00:42:04.039 --> 00:42:07.119 helps our community. I really do appreciate it. I love reading them, 578 00:42:07.159 --> 00:42:10.280 and if not for me, do it for you, because hello, some 579 00:42:10.440 --> 00:42:15.920 good karma? Why not? If you are not yet following me on Instagram, 580 00:42:15.960 --> 00:42:17.840 be sure to follow me after this episode. I would love to connect 581 00:42:17.840 --> 00:42:22.840 and hear your thoughts. It's also where you get to suggest topics for this 582 00:42:22.960 --> 00:42:27.360 very podcast. I hope this episode was helpful and I hope it opened you 583 00:42:27.480 --> 00:42:31.119 up to yourself a little bit more, a little more discovery. Shall we 584 00:42:31.280 --> 00:42:35.960 say, a little chef's kiss, Hello, a moment. I love you 585 00:42:36.039 --> 00:42:38.360 so much, And as always, a sparkle in me honors a sparkle in 586 00:42:38.400 --> 00:43:09.280 you. I will see you in the next one knows can spa spa can't 587 00:43:09.400 --> 00:43:12.119 ask me, can't ask me