I'm sorry. What's up? Positive bitches? How are we doing today?
If you're hearing this episode, you were meant to be here, So keep
listening on that Bitch's Positive Podcast. Sometimes we will laugh. Other times,
baby Girl, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away feeling our
most empowered positive bitch self. That is baby and true connection with herself.
That's right. On this podcast, we unbecome who we are not so we
can fully step into the wholeness of who we came here to be. Can
I get a nammen? Today we are talking about how to become secure again,
how how to become secure in our relationships. I've realized I had some
things recently come up that in the past would trigger the absolute fuck out of
me, and they come up now and I think, whoe am I on
a different timeline because it has no effect on my being? And it shocks
me every time. The woman is too stunned to speak. I'm shook it
of how different I react to my external world now when these little triggers come
up there, I can't even call them triggers anymore. Their bibity boppits,
Okay, that's what they are, because they don't even do anything to me
anymore. So we're going to talk about what I've done to get here today
as a codependent in recovery. Hello, my name is Cecy and I used
to be codependent. And if you are there right now, do not worry
about it, okay, because there is a path we can forge ahead and
we're going to do it together. Oh, a girl has to take her
magic mind. I'm obsessed with magic mind and I need to take it before
I have a podcast create a podcast. It just gives me that extra pep
in my step, and honestly, it helps me focus on the point that
I want to get to you. A lot of my podcasts I have some
notes, but it's mostly done through my own channeling of whatever comes in that
moment. A magic mind, man, it is truly my magic in a
bottle. It helps me focus and be a good little human, so the
messages can come through. So excuse me, but Pinky's up and if you
have some water, maybe you have your own magic mind. Let's take our
magic in a bottle. I swear the taste of this is so good too.
Usually I do this before podcast, but a girl forgot. This is
what happens when I don't drink it. I forget to do stuff, and
that's why we're here right now. Okay, a bitch is primed. Now,
a couple of announcements today before we get into it. If you are
not yet following me on Instagram at vibe in with cc at that Bitch is
Positive, go follow me because I give you daily tips and tricks on how
to become your most magnetic self, how to tap into the frequency, the
positive bitch frequency, so you can get anything in anyone you want. I
also have a twenty one day break Up Globe Challenge and the Pedestal Path as
my two evergreen courses. If you're interested in becoming your most magnetic self,
go check those out. All of these links will be in the show notes.
I also have a little other announcements that is related to my book that's
coming out very soon. I have two meditations that I created specifically to be
paired with my book, but as a little gratitude thank you gift, I've
released these meditations early so you can start working with them now. One is
the Manifesting Technique meditation and the other one is a sacral Chakra Technique meditation to
call your power back, get them obsessed with you. Those links will also
be in the show notes. Without further ado, let's get into today's episode.
First things Okay, first things first, a little tea. I have
to spill. So recently, my partner told me that he was going on
a business trip. And I used to have such bad anxiety every time he
would go on a business trip. It was the worst thing that gonna happened
to me. And now I don't even care at all. The spin on
this business trip is he's going to be in an airbnb. It's gonna be
him and two other women, just like living together in a house for a
week. And I was like, oh, okay, that's new. That's
different. Why was my first question? That's not what they usually do.
Everyone else is in a hotel, but for whatever reason, he's in a
house with these two women. And I did think, okay, that's kind
of weird. And I don't have a corporate job. I work for myself.
I have my own business, so I don't know if that's actually weird.
But in Cecy's mind, I was like, hmm, it's kind of
weird. Old Cecy would be flipping the fuck out so worried, so anxious,
the thoughts of what's gonna happen. What are you guys gonna do?
Are you gonna be talking all night all day? What is gonna be going
on in this house? It should it's not here. Do I love the
idea of it? No, I think it's weird, But like I said,
I don't know if that's normal. I'm pretty sure it's not. But
it's not freaking me out. What I've realized from someone who used to be
totally terribly codependent to someone who is freed herself is that it's not so much
about my external reality as it is about my perception of my external reality.
What is reality but our perception. At the end of the day, nothing
matters besides what we perceive, and we are constantly perceiving things in different ways,
and not always in the right way. This is why they have multiple
eyewitnesses. Two people can see the exact same situation and come away with two
completely different scenarios that they remember, two completely different meanings. Another thing that
used to trigger me, and this is to give you hope that if these
things are triggering you now, do not worry, because, like I said,
we're transcending these emotions Okay. Another thing that used to drive me crazy
is if it didn't matter if he was on a business trip or not,
but if we were having a conversation and like four hours would go by and
he was at work, but four hours would go by and he didn't text
me back the whole entire four hours, I would be spiraling, who's he
talking to? What is he doing, what's going on? Why isn't he
answering me? And it would just take the joy out of my freaking day.
It would take all of my energy and throw it on the floor and
just beat it up, that energy and make it dead energy. That's what
it would do. I realize recently some days, and I had to really
get conscious about this because some days we would go either I would leave the
conversation on red or not even on red, but I just wouldn't answer for
four hours, or he wouldn't answer for four hours, just because we're both
working human beings. And I realize now when that happens, I don't even
notice it, and if I do notice it, I'm not spiraling about how
we're gonna break up and how our relationship sucks and how he's going to leave
me for someone better, but I used to. So what I've noticed is
that the same thing sometimes still happens, but how I'm perceiving it and the
meeting I'm giving it is the only thing that has changed. He used to
go on business trips. He still does. I used to have anxiety.
I don't anymore. We used to have these spans of time. We wouldn't
speak for four to five hours. They used to drive me in stay.
Now I don't even notice. And it hit me one day where I was
like, wow, Wow, First of all, hello growth. Secondly,
the same thing is happening, yet I'm perceiving it's so much different. I
don't even care anymore. It's not even a thing. Even when we would
go to the gym together. At first, I go to a body building
gym. Why, I don't know, Okay, can I go to a
normal gym? Sharp I've just gone to this gym for most of my life.
And I used to be like, holy fucking shit, all these muscle
mommies are here, and like I'm walking in, I'm like, what's up
everyone, I'm not a bodybuilder? Hi mcc how are you? And I
used to get so insecure, like everyone their butt is like up to their
chin and their muscles, and I'm just standing around. I'm like, holy
shit, And you really used to make me feel insecure. Like if my
partner looked at one of their asses, I'd be like he or anything anything
he couldn't Even before he could even look at their ass, I was scanning
to see if he was Like I was just so hyper vigilant of who is
he looking at? Is he talking to someone? What is happening now when
we go to gym, And by the way, there was nothing that was
happening. I was just like scanning to see just in case there was a
potential threat, I would take him down. Yeah, that's not a fun
way to live, but it's how I lived for a lot of my life,
and maybe it's how you're living now. There's hope, don't worry.
Now. When we go to the gym, I'm like, peace, I'm
gonna go do legs or piece. I'm gonna go do you know whatever the
fuck I doing at the gym. It's just such a different energy. So
I noticed that, Okay, there are so many patterns in my life right
now that are repeating, and instead of me being triggered by going to the
gym, or him going on a business trip, him being in a house
with women, just him and women I don't know, instead of me getting
so worried about the texting or this or that, I don't care. I
love him, we have a great relationship, but I don't care. I
don't care. I'm secure in myself now that if you want to leave,
say a fucking Nora. If you want to stay, welcome home. If
you want to come have fun with me, Let's go have fun, Let's
go heal, Let's let's have a healing session with a shaman. Let's go
on a roller coaster Disney World. I'm coming. If you want to stay
safe. If you don't, I don't have the energy anymore to try to
get people to stay in my life. If you don't want to stay,
fucking leave. Okay. There's a quote that says, go where you're celebrated,
not where you're tolerated. And for any codependent or codependent in recovery,
we need we need this reminder. I've done things across my journey that have
helped me, but today we're going to talk about some of the main things
that I've shifted in my life that has really helped me become secure in my
relationship. We need to change ourselves and the rest of the world will change
with us. Why Because, like I said, our perception is our reality.
I think a lot of us try so hard to control everything. We
try to control our boyfriend, We try to control our girlfriend, we try
to control the circumstance. We try to control who they're talking to. I
don't want to control anyone. I want to see what you do, and
then based on that, I will decide whether or not I want to stay
in your life and if I want you to stay in mind because if you
think about it, if your partner wants to let other girls photos, they
want to comment on their half naked photos, if they want to do it,
let them and leave because why would you want someone with that character in
your life. I had to come to myself and just be real and say
CC. If someone doesn't want to be in your life, if they're going
to do shady shit, why a fuck do you want them to be in
your life? Why do you want to hold on so badly to people who
don't want to hold on to you? Why are you trying so hard?
You're exhausted, My girl, you are tired, What are you doing?
And in that moment, now, this was years ago now, but in
that moment, it just made me realize, Yeah, what am I doing?
I'm wasting so much energy trying to control other people when I could be
using that energy to fine tune my vibration. I could be using that energy
to build friendships. I could be using that energy to build my own career,
my brand, my social media platforms. Why am I wasting my own
energy? Why? What is the point so I can hold on to someone
who's kind of shitty? What would be the point of that? So I
can keep people around who make me feel small? What would be the point
of that? Let go and let God. Our internal world quickly bleeds out
into our external world and starts to make us feel very uncomfortable. And our
beliefs will color our relationships so fast you will blank and your whole entire relationship
will be your worst nightmare. What do I mean by this? If you
have an internal belief that you are not good enough, that you are not
pretty enough, that you are not smart enough, you will start painting that
belief in your relationship. You will fill in their blanks with your worst nightmare,
your biggest fear. This is how our internal world becomes our external one.
When I was dealing with codependency and I have this deep seated fear that
I wasn't good enough. Every time we would have a two hour silence span
because he was working or I was working, I would think, well,
I'm not good enough. He's gonna find someone else. This is why he's
not texting back. Forget being in a long term relationship. If we're dating,
this is oh my god, it's very difficult because every time someone doesn't
answer right away, every time someone maybe is at work or maybe they do
ghosts, We're constantly making it about how we are not good enough, how
we're not smart enough, we're not pretty enough. Only if I changed everything
that I did, he would have liked me. Why are we chasing everyone?
We have to realize that our beliefs about ourselves will bleed into our external
and it will color everything in our life. It will color our relationships.
So if we have a fear or a belief that we're not good enough,
we're not pretty enough, we're always chosen. Second, this is an inside
job. This is something Yeah, your relationships will trigger it, but they
won't heal it. You have to do that. Your relationship will bring out
your biggest fear. Who's going to transcend your fear? You are? That's
a you job. Your triggers are your problem. We want to have gratitude
for our relationships because they really are the things that are going to trigger us
the most deeply. Our intimate relationships. People think, oh, it's gonna
be so fun and like rainbows and love and lollypops. No, your intimate
relationships are going to be your deepest triggers. Welcome, Welcome. They will
trigger you the deepest. They're gonna push you to heal the furthest That's the
whole entire point. Your relationship with another is supposed to trigger you so fucking
hard that you go back to your true, authentic frequency. It's meant to
trigger you so hard that you peel back every single layer of who you think
you are and you just step into exactly who you truly are. That's what
your relationship is supposed to be, not just I bid it indeed into you
that it's not bring you anywhere. It's not gonna bring you anywhere. It's
not going to do anything. Surface level relationships or surface level that's it,
end of story period. Most of the time, our fears and what we're
perceiving has nothing to do with our partner, but it has so much more
to do with our beliefs. Our beliefs will build our world. So even
though your partner may be triggering the belief I'm not good enough, it didn't
start with your partner. It started with you, probably when you're about four
years old and your mom told you not to do something, or your mom
or dad made you feel type of way. That's when it started. So
this is an inner child's healing moment, not a moment for you to energetically
chase them and try to prove your worth your value. Why are we doing
that? If someone can't see your value, let them continuously be blind to
your value. You're not a saleswoman. You're not meant to sell yourself to
every which person. You're meant to find someone who can see your worth and
you can see theirs. There's a difference. So what we want to do
to become secure in our relationship is first become secure within ourselves. I want
you to find something first that you're good at, and every time you do
this thing, I want I need you to celebrate yourself. I just had
one of my clients not energetically chase someone who she usually would She would usually
do this thing, and for the first time she didn't do it, and
I was like, hello, we need to celebrate this moment. This is
progress. We're not looking for perfection. We're looking for progress. To build
up your self esteem and your security within yourself. You need to stop talking
to yourself so negatively, and we need to start to shift into positive self
talk. How can we shift into positive self talk? Start celebrating your big
and your little winds. I don't care if you made CEO or you made
your fucking bed. Celebrate yourself, acknowledge your wins. Why because you know
what, people out there, they're gonna hurt us. They're gonna find our
faults. They're gonna see where we're losing, and they'll point it out.
You know who halts to fucking celebrate you? You do? You do?
There are going to be people out there who are going to try to take
you down. Do not be one of those people. You came here onto
this planet to live a good life, to learn developing row. You didn't
come here to beat yourself up. So every time we do something, even
if it's a little bit good, a little or a big win, I
need you to start celebrating yourself because over time, these little celebratory talks that
you have with yourself are going to build up your self esteem and have you
quantum leaping onto your desired timeline. They're gonna have you feeling secure within yourself.
How can you feel secure within yourself if all you do is shit talk
yourself internally? The voice you hear the most, it's your own. What
are you saying to yourself? How you're not good at anything, how everyone
is better, how you're a failure. Oh yeah, that's really going to
make you feel so secure. Hello, this is common sense, but sometimes
we just need someone to remind us of this. I know I did,
and that's why I'm here for you. We're being reminded that the voice we
hear the most is our own, and if we're constantly telling ourselves negative things
about ourselves, we are building a very scary place for our own spirit to
live. How could our energy feel safe in a vessel that's trying to destroy
it telling it how terrible it is If you lived in a home that was
verbally abusive. That doesn't feel like a safe home. If internally you're being
verbally abusive to yourself, that is not a safe place for you to live.
So of course you're going to feel insecure within yourself, and of course
that will bleed into every one of your relationships because your internal world will always
be mirrored back to you in your external one. So first things first,
we're gonna start to shift our negative talk. And I'm giving you an exact
tool to use. I'm not just saying, hey, talk to yourself positively.
No, when you do something daily. I'm talking daily, three times
a day. If you can, Oh, yay, I actually brushed my
hair today, Good jobs E see oh yes, I did my workout.
Let's fucking go. Clap for yourself, Pat yourself on the back, give
yourself a hug. You know that our own touch can reduce cordisal in our
body, our stress hormone. Do not sleep on the hugs that you can
give to yourself. We need to create a harmonious, peaceful sanctuary internally for
us to feel peaceful externally, because let me tell you, when I hated
my body the most I ever had, when I was depressed, when I
was anxious when I had someone trying to give me sleeping pills. When all
that was happening and more, I felt very insecure in my own body,
and of course I felt so insecure in my relationship. I was calm suddenly
looking over who's but is he looking at? What is he doing? What
are is it going to do next? Instead of giving all your power away
trying to figure out what your partner is doing wrong, start celebrating what you're
doing right. You incarnated in your body. This person may be inside of
you, I don't know a couple times a week. You're inside of you
every day for the rest of your life. So you better start talking to
yourself in a way that's a little bit more sweet. Okay, thank you.
Next point, I want you to choose something you want to work on.
What is something that you're like, yeah, and I'm okay, it
could be better. I have adopted the belief. And it's really because the
Pelton I think it's Lena, the Pelton instructor always says, or it's Rebecca,
I can't remember. One of them always says, how you do one
thing is how you do everything. And I love that because it always pushes
me to just do better in whatever I'm doing, whether I'm editing my book
or doing a workout or making this podcast. I say to myself, how
I do one thing is how I do everything. Let me do this the
best that I possibly can. What's one thing that you want to work on?
And I want you to start practicing this thing weekly daily if you can,
but if not daily, some life gets crazy weekly. Something I want
to work on is really getting down more of my yoga poses and becoming more
flexible. Since I was little in dancing school, I've always wanted to be
able to do the splits. A girl has not been able to do the
splits. However, as I've become more psychologically flexible, I also want to
become more flexible in my physical vessel. So I'm really committing myself to I
do yoga anyway, but I'm really committing myself to putting in that extra time
and extra attention to fully stepping into my yoga moment and being able to do
all the is that I can kind of do but want to get better at.
Find a strain something that you're not that great at, and find a
strain that's going to serve you meaning practice this thing. The more you practice
something, the better you get, no matter what it is. The more
you practice and the better you get, you're gonna start to build up self
esteem within yourself. You're gonna be like, damn, look at my progress,
Damn, look at how good I am at this. Also, you're
gonna feel diversified. When I went through a breakup, all I was was
a girlfriend. I was in school at the time, and I had good
grades, whatever, I go to the gym, but I was just like,
you know, existing, and I didn't feel diversified. When my partner
left me, I was like, the only identity I just realized I had
was that I'm a girlfriend. And now I don't have the identity of a
girlfriend. So what am I supposed to do now? Diversify yourself. That's
what makes you so magnetic, if you think about it. You go out
right and you're at a bar and you meet someone. Maybe they're really funny,
but if they have nothing else going for them, you're like, yeah,
they're really funny, but that's it. Or maybe they're really good looking,
but that's it. They're sorry to say this, but dumb as a
rock. And so you're like yeah, they're really good looking, but like
surface level, you know, maybe you meet someone they have a really good
job, but that's it. What makes someone so magnetic is they have a
diversified set of attributes. They might be funny, but they also have a
pretty good job, and they have a great work ethic, and they love
to read, and they have hobbies. What makes someone interesting, which is
another way of saying what makes someone magnetic, is that they have a diversified
set of attributes. This is your moment, baby girl, stop focusing on
that other person and say what can I What can I strengthen in my own
life? Okay, I'm good at that, So I'm going to sell a
bring myself doing that every day. I'm gonna start shifting myself. Talk.
What's something I can actually grow through? Is it yoga? Is it?
I'm going to start reading. I'm gonna start listening to Ted talks. I'm
going to learn a new language. I'm going to learn how to build stuff.
Whatever it is, whatever it is? What is something you can start
to pick up and diversify something maybe you've always been interested in but haven't gone
after. Something you've wanted to do but maybe haven't set aside the time.
This is the moment to set aside the time. Why because it's going to
help you take back your focus, which takes back your power and your energy.
But it also is going to build your confidence. It's going to build
you to be a more secure person because when you go out, you're not
thinking, I have to rely just on my looks. I've seen women in
my life who have only been validated for their looks and then going through the
aging process because they're getting older now is not pretty. They are not They
are having a crisis. All they've ever been validated for is their looks,
and now that they feel I think they're beautiful, they feel that they don't
have that anymore. They are going through crisis. You want to feel that
you can validate yourself in a diversified set of ways. Okay, I'm smart,
I like to read, I love spirituality, but you know what,
I'm also really into going to yoga and fitness and food. And I'm also
really into it. It doesn't matter like whatever it is. But don't make
it a passive hobby like oh I love how I met your mother. No,
make it something that you do, like I love making jewelry, I
have this side hustle. I'm really into my job, but I also love
to have fun. You want to make it so you're diversified, not only
so you can have a diversified set of attributes making you magnetic, not only
so you can take your power back and refocus on you, but because you're
going to have so much fun discovering all new parts of yourself as you find
a strain that serves you. I always get the question, how can I
thinking of them, my ax, my partner, whatever it may be,
the person I'm dating, And I always say, you need to be focused
on doing something new, because when you're doing something new, that's a strain
that's a little bit harder. You have to be present. When I'm in
yoga trying to do a split, I can't focus on what my partner is
doing, or in ex is doing. I need to focus on my body
or else I'm going to break myself. When I'm trying to do a headstand,
I can't focus on what he said last week. I need to be
focused on what I'm doing. When you are trying to learn a new language,
learn a new pose, trying a new hobby, you can't be thinking
about what someone else is doing in their reality, because you are so plugged
in to what's in front of you, because you're trying to learn something.
And as you build new neurological pathways in relation to this new hobby, you're
going to have less neurological pathways in relation to obsessing about them. The more
you break the habit of thinking about them, and the more you refocus on
you, the more magnetic you become, the less anxious you become, the
happier you become. Everything falls into place. It's a beautiful life to live.
Let's start living it. Another thing, I want you to pick out
something you're insecure about. Now. This can be your body. It can
be your looks. It can be your brain you feel like you're not smart
enough. It can be your job, your career, your path. It
can be I feel like I have no friends. I want you to pick
something you're insecure about, and I want you to ask yourself, is this
something I can change? Okay, what should I do to change it?
Or is this something I can't change? How can I surrender to it?
So we're asking ourselves these questions because it's very important. If I think I
hate my body, I hate my body. I hate my body. That's
not doing anything, that's always time and energy. It's gonna make me feel
worse about myself. Not gonna help, it's gonna be boring. Instead of
saying I hate my body, I hate my body. What I want,
what I want you to do, and what I would do for myself,
is say, okay, hmm, this is something I'm insecure about. That's
fine. Is this something I can change? Well? I can eat different,
I can drink more water. I can get cuter clothes. I can
get clothes that fit me. I can go to the gym. I can
try a yoga class. I can stretch, I can go for a walk.
If there's an actionable step you can take, fucking take it. Stop
wasting your own time. We're all gonna be dead one day. Hello,
stop wasting your own time. If there's an actual step, fucking do it.
What are you doing? If there's an actual step, take it?
If not, say all right, how can I surrender to this? This
is one of those moments where we have to let go and like God.
If it's something like oh I hate that I was fired, blah blah,
okay, well you were, so what can you learn from it, and
how can you surrender? I personally love the Serenity prayer, which you can
look up, or you can make up your own surrender statement and say,
God, I don't know what the fuck is going on. I feel miserable.
I don't know what to do with my life right now. Give it
up to God. Let go, let God, let go, and let
flow. There's either an actionable step you can take or you have to surrender.
If it's out of your control, it's out of your control. Stop
wasting your own time. Stop stop stop it, stop it and work on
what you're insecure about. Because a lot of the things we're insecure about we
can simply change. And I know people are like, well, just accept
it, Like just love it. If you hate something about yourself and it
can be changed, change it. When I was thirty to forty plus pounds,
if someone told me, we'll just accept it, I was like,
no, I feel like shit. I don't feel good in this size.
It's just not what I feel my best self in. I'm not eating good.
I was drinking way too much on the weekends. I'm not really working
out as best as I could. I was doing the wrong workouts for my
body as well. If someone told me we'll just accept it. No no,
no, no, no no no. If you don't like something about
yourself and it's something that can be changed, but I also do I'll say
this, Okay, if you don't like something about yourself and it can be
changed, go change it, okay, whatever, but make it realistic,
okay, because I think some people think, well, if I just get
bigger lips or bigger boobs or a bigger butt, everything in my life,
oh my god, it's it's gonna be so sweet. Everything's gonna be perfect
for me. Everything will change it. I'm gonna be the Queen of England.
That's not true. So if you're going to change something, just be
real about why you're changing it and what your intention is. If you want
bigger lips because you're like I just think it would look better and I just
prefer that, okay, fine, But if you think it's gonna solve your
worst fears and your insecurity and your codependency, that's not true. No amount
of filler or botox or any plastic thing you can do to your body can
make you not codependent. Codependency is an inside job. I just want to
put that out there. It can make you feel better if you don't like
something physically, and that's the reason you're doing it. Sure, but it's
not going to Oh, you wake up and you're no longer codependent. You
can get all the botox you want. When your partner's on a business trip,
you will still feel codependent because it's an inside job. So change what
you want to change, but have realistic, a realistic understanding of what the
results are going to bring you. Okay, that's just like the caveat side.
Note, Now let's talk about those are things we can do right.
We can celebrate ourselves. We can find something to work on, find something
to diversify, we can find out what am I insecure about? Okay,
how can I just start changing this instead of harping on it? Because harping
on it doesn't do anything. Talking about the problem doesn't solve it. So
instead of being problem oriented, we want to become solution oriented. The next
thing I want you to do is, now we're going to shift gears a
little bit and start to talk about our partner. One thing you can do
heavy on the law of assumption for this episode. The law of assumption basically
says that what you assume will be stop assuming the worst. I know when
codependency for me was at its height, I was on constant SS, constant
threat scanning, analysis analysis. Paralysis is like my new favorite word because I
have experienced it so many times and didn't have a name for it. That
is exactly what it is. You're so in your head, you're so looking
around, you're so anxious that you just can't even think straight, and you
start assuming the worst. If you need help balancing your nervous system, go
back to last week for how to stress Less, because we talk about the
vagus nerve and that is going to help you get from this really stressed out
state to a more relaxed state. But for this episode, we're going to
talk more so about how to assume the correct way. I want you to
start assuming the best things about your partner. Start assuming the best. I'm
not saying ignore red flags. I'm not saying ignore what's in front of you.
Have your eyes open. But if they've given you no reason to doubt
them, they've not done anything when they're out for yourself. This is not
even for them. I don't care who's listening to this. Them are you.
I don't really care about what they're doing. I care about you.
I care about how you're feeling. Assume the best for yourself. When I
started assuming the best about what my partner was doing, not only did it
help our relationship, I'm sure he was happy. It made me feel so
much better. Assuming my partner is cheating on me feels like shit. Assuming
my partner's just doing his job makes me feel really good. Woo money yay.
Totally totally different mindset. Assume the best, not for them, but
for you. You got to get out of this lifetime alive. Girl.
It's you, So what can you do to help yourself? Assume the best
about them. Something I would do is every time my partner did something caring
for me, I would just make a note of it, because sometimes when
you're at the height of your codependent tendencies, they won't answer for one hour,
and you'll start scanning everything they've ever done that you didn't like, and
you'll go into a full anxious mindset. I want you to start writing down
everything they do that you really appreciate. They text you good morning, they
leave you notes, they open the car door for you. Write down and
note their caring behaviors and have that list on your phone, so when you're
about to spiral, interrupt that spiral and look at the list. Remind yourself
that this is a good person. If they are, remind yourself of the
reality of what it is. So if they're not great, then there's nothing
to remind yourself about. But if they are, and you have this list
and it's going to help you, this is an important point to bring up
now. I was watching The Ultimatum the Queer Love season, and it was
just so crazy to see that when in the Ultimatum you switch partner. So
let's say you and your partner go on you once you get there, you'll
switch partner, so you'll get a new boyfriend girlfriend, and your partner will
be with someone else, and now you have to date that other person.
So it's really crazy, but it's such a good show. Highly recommend it.
And in the Ultimatum Queer Love specifically, I really notice how different partners
affect your nervous system and your attachment system so differently. It wasn't sane to
see and I know this logically, but to see a play out, I
was like, damn, I want you to not just listen to me,
but hear me when I say there are some partners that are going to bring
out your most anxious self, and there are some partners who are going to
bring out your most secure self. You want to find the partner that's going
to bring out your most secure self. If you're with someone right now and
they're not making you feel secure, not all is lost. There are things
you can do to help your relationship that I've done that will help, and
we're going to talk about it. But I want you to understand different partners
will affect you differently. You can see this in Queer Love the Ultimatum season.
Go watch it. You can see how different partners would bring out different
anxieties and some would quell the anxiety, some would make them feel safe,
and others would make them lose their fucking shit. You want to find the
person who makes you feel safe. We've talked about chemistry before. Chemistry is
just a bunch of chemicals. What you want is a feeling of safety,
that is healthy love that's going to make you feel secure. So we want
to acknowledge some partners who are liking half naked pictures of girls they don't know
and not changing that that's someone you don't want to go for Number one immature?
Number two? What are you doing number three? That's going to make
you feel anxious? Now, let's say you're with someone and they're not the
worst, but they're not the best, or you just need some work in
your relationship. You have to communicate it. I know if you tend towards
anxiety, that speaking up for your needs. If you've been a people pleaser
your whole life is like the worst thing you've ever heard. But the squeaky
wheel gets the grease if you don't speak up for what it is you need
and want, how is that other person supposed to provide that? If you
don't speak up for what you need and what you want, that person can't
give it to you because they cannot read your mind. You might be thinking,
CC, well, I want someone who can just know what to do.
Okay, have on finding that you can. But it's much much,
much much better when you can just learn how to speak up for yourself,
because maybe that's the divine lesson that you need. In my situation, I
had to learn, Okay, how can I speak up for myself? My
partner had a different culture, different how do I say this childhood, different
upbringing, different everything. He's not going to know what I need, different
attachment style. He's not going to understand me. If I don't even understand
me, and if I don't communicate me, you have to communicate what it
is that you need. If you need help with making boundaries. Two episodes
ago we talked about how to set up boundaries, So go listen to that.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease. You wouldn't know how to do your
homework if your teacher didn't explain what to do. Okay, they don't know
how to fulfill your needs. If you don't tell them what it is you
need, you have to communicate it. Once you communicate what you need,
they do it. Great. If they don't, then you have to decide
how you want to move forward. Is this person worth keeping around? Should
I repeat myself or are they just not getting it and I need to remove
myself from the situation. But no matter what, you cannot blame them if
you can't even speak up for yourself. My partner wouldn't know to call me
once a day at least, or open the car door, or do all
these things, because that's not what he had in his upbringing. I had
to show him. I had to tell him what I want, and frankly,
I don't really care. That doesn't bother me. To tell you how
I want to be treated doesn't bother me. I was changing and growing,
so is he. This is a person I want to build a life with,
a person who I deeply value. So I don't mind telling them,
Hey, this doesn't work for me, but this does to me. It's
so much more intriguing to see someone who listens to you and is willing to
compromise and meet you halfway or meet your needs versus someone who already does these
things. That's great too. But to see someone listen to you and say,
oh, okay, this is what you need, I'm going to do
it to me, that just shows Oh that's a green flag. This is
someone I can keep, This is someone I want to keep around. This
is someone who celebrates me, not just tolerates me. So we need to
know what we want. We need communicate what we want. We need to
keep our eyes open and say, is this someone who in general is making
me more anxious? Is it their actions or is it mine? Do I
need to work on my internal world? Because in relationships, you are bridging
your internal world with the external because you're coming into union with another person.
So most of your relationship will be just things from your own beliefs, but
they also will be bringing their own projections and filters to the table, so
they may sometimes be doing something that you're like, wait a second, no,
no, I'm not just being anxious right now. That isn't okay,
you know, talking to girls liking their stories. That is crossing a line.
You have to know your boundaries in order to communicate them. Maybe you
need some space to figure out, you know, what are my boundaries,
what am I not okay with? What works and what doesn't in order to
actually communicate them. Positive bitches. If this episode resonated with you, if
you enjoyed it, please leave a positive review on Apple podcast and Spotify.
It helps the podcast grow, it helps me, it helps us, it
helps our community. I really do appreciate it. I love reading them,
and if not for me, do it for you, because hello, some
good karma? Why not? If you are not yet following me on Instagram,
be sure to follow me after this episode. I would love to connect
and hear your thoughts. It's also where you get to suggest topics for this
very podcast. I hope this episode was helpful and I hope it opened you
up to yourself a little bit more, a little more discovery. Shall we
say, a little chef's kiss, Hello, a moment. I love you
so much, And as always, a sparkle in me honors a sparkle in
you. I will see you in the next one knows can spa spa can't
ask me, can't ask me