WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.040 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.199 the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app AM six Party. 3 00:00:09.279 --> 00:00:12.679 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. 4 00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:15.359 Well, if you're new to my show, let me tell you this. 5 00:00:15.519 --> 00:00:18.359 I have a PhD in clinical psychology, but I'm not a therapist. 6 00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:23.039 I'm a psychology professor, and I am obsessed with the science of love and 7 00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:29.039 all are very important interpersonal relationships. On today's show, cognitive biases doesn't sound 8 00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:32.679 sexy, does it? Until I say the rest that mess up our love 9 00:00:32.719 --> 00:00:38.399 lives. Yeah, there are tricks that our brains naturally play on us that 10 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:43.759 make us make those bad decisions in love. Also some of the most common 11 00:00:43.960 --> 00:00:48.840 relationship mistakes that people make. I put together this list and I am convinced 12 00:00:49.079 --> 00:00:52.520 that if you just change these few things, you can have a happy relationship. 13 00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:56.280 Plus, I'll be taking your calls and answering your relationship questions from social 14 00:00:56.399 --> 00:00:59.560 media. Also, later in the show, I have a very special guest, 15 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:03.400 an eye surgeon who can change the color of your eyes. You won't 16 00:01:03.439 --> 00:01:08.519 believe this but before we get there, I have been in Los Angeles media 17 00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:14.120 for I'm embarrassed to say thirty years. You may know me because I used 18 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:19.359 to anchor at KCOP that then became UPN in the early nineties. Left there, 19 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:25.840 I was over at Extra. I hosted at least fifty different cable half 20 00:01:25.840 --> 00:01:30.799 hours as cable was bursting and going on. In twenty twelve was doctor Phil 21 00:01:30.840 --> 00:01:34.159 picked me to be on The Doctors. I've been around media for a long 22 00:01:34.200 --> 00:01:40.760 time, covering entertainment, covering once I you know, I got a midlife 23 00:01:40.760 --> 00:01:45.040 PhD, come back to media with a little bit of knowledge, and one 24 00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:51.799 of the people I knew as a colleague for a good thirty years was KTLA's 25 00:01:51.959 --> 00:01:59.280 entertainment reporter Sam Rubin. And you know, if you've been listening to any 26 00:01:59.319 --> 00:02:04.840 media in the last forty eight hours, you know that our heart goes out 27 00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:09.879 to Sam's family because he passed away on Friday morning. It was so distressful 28 00:02:09.960 --> 00:02:15.000 for me because he wasn't much older than me, because he was a solid 29 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:22.000 fixture that was just always there. I spent a lot of time with Sam 30 00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:27.759 recently because in the last few years, I've also been a love correspondent for 31 00:02:28.240 --> 00:02:32.400 the Today Show in Australia. In Australia nine Network, as they call it, 32 00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:38.000 Sam is their entertainment reporter. I'm their psychological experts. So they would 33 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:43.639 have me weigh in and a few times a month we would meet in a 34 00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:46.599 green room in Hollywood and he would do a segment before me, and then 35 00:02:46.639 --> 00:02:50.520 I would do a segment, and then he had to wait another hour for 36 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:54.080 his next segment. So we always had time to sit in the green room 37 00:02:54.400 --> 00:03:00.400 in the afternoon and just talk about life. He talked about raising his kids. 38 00:03:00.479 --> 00:03:04.240 Sometimes he had some of his young adult teen kids with him. I 39 00:03:04.280 --> 00:03:12.520 had mine there sometimes, and he knew a little bit about everything, and 40 00:03:12.560 --> 00:03:17.919 he was probably the most positive, jovial, happy person that I knew. 41 00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:25.599 But the thing I'm mad about for me is how much I just took people 42 00:03:25.960 --> 00:03:30.479 like Sam Rubin for granted. They were just always there. They were a 43 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:37.120 consistent fixture in my life, have been. They were just somebody in the 44 00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:40.360 business you saw regularly. They were a good friend, and Sam was special. 45 00:03:40.840 --> 00:03:44.719 And the reason why he was on air for more than thirty years in 46 00:03:44.759 --> 00:03:52.599 Los Angeles is because he never lost his Midwest attitude. He was always kind 47 00:03:52.680 --> 00:03:57.039 to every celebrity, didn't have a bad word. He wasn't a deep gossiper. 48 00:03:57.719 --> 00:04:02.319 But here's something you didn't know about Sam. His work ethic was beyond 49 00:04:03.319 --> 00:04:06.400 I was in awe. First of all, he lived in the Pacific Palisades. 50 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:09.879 I just I'm only telling you this. You can picture the freeways. 51 00:04:10.360 --> 00:04:15.039 And he would get drive early in the morning to do the KTLA Morning Shoe 52 00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:17.639 Show by six am, and so he drives all across it, does his 53 00:04:17.720 --> 00:04:23.360 segments there, then drives back to the Palisades, churns out a few blogs, 54 00:04:23.639 --> 00:04:27.519 makes some other videos for other clients, comes back for the afternoon show, 55 00:04:28.199 --> 00:04:32.920 and then afterwards would go to red carpets like two three times a week 56 00:04:33.000 --> 00:04:36.759 at events. And I said to him one day, Sam, are you 57 00:04:36.800 --> 00:04:40.240 ever going to wind down? And he said, no, I got two 58 00:04:40.319 --> 00:04:43.519 kids still heading to college. I'm never going to stop. And I love 59 00:04:43.560 --> 00:04:49.199 it. I love it, he said. Here's a clip of Sam retrospectively 60 00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:54.360 looking at what he thought his career was going to be, like, I 61 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:56.959 was just how I'm meant to live. Could I do backup for you guys? 62 00:04:57.839 --> 00:05:01.319 I think he got no work to do. Brun I love Sam Rubens 63 00:05:01.480 --> 00:05:08.800 so much. Sam's the great. Sam is the most talented entertainment reporter and 64 00:05:08.879 --> 00:05:12.680 anchor I've ever met. I've kind of always wanted to do this. So 65 00:05:12.720 --> 00:05:15.199 when I first got in the morning News, oh, I was like, 66 00:05:15.839 --> 00:05:17.959 I can't believe I'm sitting here, and I hope I can sit here for 67 00:05:18.000 --> 00:05:20.800 a long time. Kermit. What I thought was very magnanimous of you, 68 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:28.360 But I certainly liked using the word magnanimous. Yes, look at you. 69 00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:33.720 You thank you. Somebody with your little glasses, I see it. I'll 70 00:05:33.800 --> 00:05:36.800 say this isn't without vanity, but it probably is. I thought, oh 71 00:05:36.839 --> 00:05:40.959 my gosh, you know everybody's going to watch. Everybody's gonna see me. 72 00:05:41.519 --> 00:05:46.879 And maybe two weeks in I realized nobody's watching. My mother would watch for 73 00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:48.519 one hour a day, and her great review was, you know, one 74 00:05:48.560 --> 00:05:51.720 hour day, it's all I can take. You know, I figured this 75 00:05:51.800 --> 00:05:59.079 was not going well. Sam's self deprecating humor. We were all watching you, 76 00:05:59.199 --> 00:06:03.000 Sam, we were all learning from you, and our heart goes out 77 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:06.839 to your family this week. So what does this mean to us? When 78 00:06:06.839 --> 00:06:11.839 we lose a pear? A little piece of all of us die because all 79 00:06:11.839 --> 00:06:15.680 of our relationships, whether they're friendships, whether they're work colleagues, they are 80 00:06:15.720 --> 00:06:19.480 a piece of our identity. And when we lose somebody, and especially if 81 00:06:19.480 --> 00:06:26.040 it's somebody close to you, you actually a piece of yourself dies that you 82 00:06:26.279 --> 00:06:31.600 have to find a way to rebuild that within yourself. It happens to also 83 00:06:31.720 --> 00:06:36.839 be Mother's Day, and there are many people out there who have lost their 84 00:06:36.839 --> 00:06:41.480 mother. I lost my mother when I was thirty. Kayla lost her mother 85 00:06:41.560 --> 00:06:46.879 when she was young. It's a time of sadness. I just want to 86 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:47.959 say, because I'm going to say it live on air. And I'm feeling 87 00:06:48.040 --> 00:06:55.680 very melancholy today. Melanchocky Is that a word? No, that's called melanchochy. 88 00:06:55.720 --> 00:07:00.800 Gotcha, gotcha. I'm feeling very melancholy because my nest is almost empty. 89 00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:03.720 I got one about to fly. She's got little baby wings and about 90 00:07:03.759 --> 00:07:06.839 to take off. She was sending me pictures of apartments. Today I got 91 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:12.240 another living all the way across the pond in Paris. And in the last 92 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:15.480 how long have you been with me? Kayla? Two years? Three years? 93 00:07:15.720 --> 00:07:20.160 Oh, three years? My producer, Kayla Austin has been my adoptive 94 00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:24.879 daughter, of course, and she's too old to actually be my daughter. 95 00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:30.480 Her when I was really young. Actually, no, no, I'm not 96 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:32.720 no, no, I wanted to say that, ye think. Yeah, 97 00:07:32.759 --> 00:07:36.160 okay, literally could have been my daughter and I would have been even an 98 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:44.639 older mom having her, and so so Kayla has assumed the position, if 99 00:07:44.639 --> 00:07:46.920 you will, so on air, I just want to say, Kayla, 100 00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:50.160 thank you for being my surrogate replacement daughter during this. No one's going anywhere, 101 00:07:50.240 --> 00:07:53.160 right, this is not an ending or goodbye. I just want to 102 00:07:53.160 --> 00:07:57.439 say that it is Mother's Day and Kayla brought me some lovely Mother's Day gifts 103 00:07:57.480 --> 00:08:01.399 and I'm just so grateful to you. I love you deep. Happy Mother's 104 00:08:01.480 --> 00:08:03.480 Day. I'm gonna light that candle. I'm a little massage. She was 105 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:07.800 really generous, so sweet, so so sweet. All right, let's get 106 00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:11.439 off all the sad and melancholy folks. So I hope you had a great 107 00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:13.879 time with your mom today and you at least picked up a phone and called 108 00:08:13.879 --> 00:08:18.519 her. All right, let's talk about the cognitive biases that can really mess 109 00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:22.399 up our love lives, tricks our brains play on us. When we come 110 00:08:22.439 --> 00:08:26.879 back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six 111 00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:31.879 forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy 112 00:08:31.960 --> 00:08:39.679 Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. KFI AM six forty you have 113 00:08:39.720 --> 00:08:43.559 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. You 114 00:08:43.559 --> 00:08:46.480 know. I'm a psychology professor and one of the courses I teach is plainal 115 00:08:46.639 --> 00:08:52.279 Introduction to Psychology, and the very beginning of the semester I teach a section 116 00:08:52.840 --> 00:09:00.000 on cognitive biases. I basically teach people that their brain plays tricks on them, 117 00:09:00.720 --> 00:09:07.399 their perceptions don't always give them the truth. A cognitive bias, as 118 00:09:07.440 --> 00:09:13.639 the deaf as is defined, is a deviation from rational judgment. This is 119 00:09:13.639 --> 00:09:18.440 where people create their own realities based on their set of perceptions. And remember, 120 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:24.399 how we perceive things is often based on our experiences in life or from 121 00:09:24.440 --> 00:09:28.080 before, but with human beings in general, there are also certain tricks that 122 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:33.840 the brain plays because it just needs to take shortcuts. There's too much information 123 00:09:35.080 --> 00:09:39.559 coming at us at all the time, so our brain gets overwhelmed, decision 124 00:09:39.600 --> 00:09:43.080 making gets hard, and so we rely on these cognitive biases, these shortcuts. 125 00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:46.639 So I want to go through some of them. But this summer. 126 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:52.000 I want to pertain them specifically to our love lives and why sometimes our brains 127 00:09:52.039 --> 00:09:54.399 trick us and people will often say to me, well, you know, 128 00:09:54.399 --> 00:09:56.759 I've just got a bad picker, and I'm like, well, do you 129 00:09:56.759 --> 00:10:01.159 have a bad picker or did you have a nat viru cognitive bias? Let's 130 00:10:01.159 --> 00:10:05.320 talk about him. The first one I want to talk about is called the 131 00:10:05.600 --> 00:10:13.960 anchoring bias. Anchoring, and that means we rely, We over rely on 132 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:18.200 the first piece of information we find out about somebody and we use it as 133 00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:26.039 a baseline for comparison of everybody else. So, for instance, let's say 134 00:10:26.519 --> 00:10:31.440 in your dating life, you have been dating people that are pretty unhappy, 135 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:37.000 angry, or maybe somebody who has an avoidant attachment style and who is afraid 136 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:43.480 of intimacy. So it doesn't take much when you meet a new person for 137 00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:46.440 them to give you a smile, a wink, a laugh, make a 138 00:10:46.559 --> 00:10:52.679 joke, seem very friendly, and you're going to be like, that's what 139 00:10:52.759 --> 00:10:58.320 I want. I want that happy kind of person. And now you've anchored 140 00:10:58.360 --> 00:11:03.919 it. You're over using this without investigating and getting more information. If you 141 00:11:03.960 --> 00:11:07.279 find yourself saying things like, well, compared to what's out there, he 142 00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:11.480 or she is really a catch. Right. The problem is this person might 143 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:16.320 be just incrementally better, but you don't have enough information because you've anchored it 144 00:11:16.600 --> 00:11:20.879 into your first depression. That's called the anchoring bias. Oh here's another one 145 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:26.000 that we do way too much. It's called the in group bias. It 146 00:11:26.120 --> 00:11:33.159 basically says that our brain prefers people who are like us. What could go 147 00:11:33.200 --> 00:11:37.960 wrong with that? Right, Well, that's how racism happens on dating apps. 148 00:11:37.399 --> 00:11:43.840 Right. If we immediately gravitate towards people like us, sometimes it works. 149 00:11:43.960 --> 00:11:46.799 I remember meeting these two women friends. Actually one of was a women 150 00:11:46.840 --> 00:11:50.360 friend, and she introduced me to an old time friend from a long time 151 00:11:50.399 --> 00:11:52.159 ago, and I said, how did you two meet? And they said, 152 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:54.120 well, we were at UCLA together. And I walked up to her 153 00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:56.840 and said, you look just like me. Let's be friends. And you 154 00:11:56.879 --> 00:12:01.200 know, maybe they had enough other things in common that it all worked out 155 00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:05.360 fine. That's the in group bias. But for many of us, we 156 00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:09.039 need to get out of our group. We need to look further into people 157 00:12:09.039 --> 00:12:13.120 who are different in some way, because that may be where we find our 158 00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:16.960 mate. Oh. Oh, here's a big cognitive bias that happens all the 159 00:12:18.039 --> 00:12:22.799 time, especially with online dating. It's called the bandwagon effect. Sometimes it's 160 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:31.320 called herd mentality group think, and basically the bandwagon effect says this, somebody 161 00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:35.639 is more likely to go along with a belief that many other if many others 162 00:12:35.639 --> 00:12:37.759 hold the same belief, So lots of If you think lots of other people 163 00:12:39.279 --> 00:12:41.919 hold this belief, you're gonna believe it. You know, they've actually done 164 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:46.159 studies in labs where they've put a bunch of people in a room and only 165 00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:50.960 one was part of the experiment. The others were confederates, says they call 166 00:12:50.039 --> 00:12:54.279 them. They were playing along actors, and they asked them to solve a 167 00:12:54.320 --> 00:12:58.960 basic math problem. And the person who was being experimented on knew the correct 168 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:01.240 answer and said it, but there were all these other people in the room 169 00:13:01.720 --> 00:13:05.080 who said, no, that's not the right answer. No, no, 170 00:13:05.080 --> 00:13:09.159 the answer is this, And eventually the person with the rational thought would actually 171 00:13:09.240 --> 00:13:13.600 go along with the ones who were saying the wrong answer because of herd mentality 172 00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:18.279 or group think. Now, how does this impact your dating life? I 173 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:20.120 know what you do. As soon as you find somebody online that you like 174 00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:26.039 on a dating app, you go check out their social media and you try 175 00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:28.440 to figure out how many followers they have, and you think, well, 176 00:13:28.559 --> 00:13:33.559 they have tons of followers, they must be great, they must be really 177 00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:37.639 popular. Maybe they just know how to trick the algorithm. Just want to 178 00:13:37.679 --> 00:13:41.960 say that, really, just because somebody's popular online doesn't mean that they're a 179 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:46.000 good person otherwise. All right, here's one that happens all the time. 180 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:50.360 Uh huh, the confirmation bias. That means when you pay more attention to 181 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:58.519 information that reinforces something you already believe and ignoring all the bad news, ignoring 182 00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:03.320 all evidence to the con right. So people who are anti vaxxers, for 183 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:07.519 instance, would go down a rabbit hole of I heard there was this one 184 00:14:07.559 --> 00:14:11.960 guy who lost his erection, I heard there's one person who got sick, 185 00:14:11.159 --> 00:14:15.639 right, And so all they do is look for confirmation that vaccines are bad 186 00:14:15.799 --> 00:14:18.960 instead of looking at the data that says, yeah, small percentage of people 187 00:14:20.080 --> 00:14:22.879 might have had side effects, but the vast majority of the millions of people 188 00:14:22.919 --> 00:14:28.399 didn't. They didn't get COVID exactly. So confirmation bias in dating I call 189 00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:33.360 falling in love with hope, where you find ways to rationalize and forgive all 190 00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:37.000 the negative qualities in somebody because you believe that in their heart they're really a 191 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:41.320 good person. Right. So that's why I always tell people when they first 192 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:46.559 start dating somebody to not be looking for ways that the person's perfect for them. 193 00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:52.440 That's a confirmation bias. Be looking for ways that the person's not right 194 00:14:52.600 --> 00:15:00.840 for them. Right. Then there's the big one, the sunk cost bias. 195 00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:03.799 You know what that is. Well, when it comes to investments in 196 00:15:03.879 --> 00:15:07.279 money, I say, that's when we throw good money after bad money. 197 00:15:09.240 --> 00:15:11.000 It's when, okay, let me say this. So you go through your 198 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:16.279 closet, you're cleaning it out right, and there's some shoes and they are 199 00:15:16.279 --> 00:15:20.480 definitely out of fashion, but they were designer shoes and you spent so much 200 00:15:20.559 --> 00:15:26.799 money on them, and you love them. They're so comfortable, so you 201 00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:28.960 don't give them to good will. You just keep them there sitting on your 202 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:35.720 shelf because you paid so much money for them. Right. In the same 203 00:15:35.840 --> 00:15:43.960 way, we stay in bad relationships because we've invested time, or because we've 204 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:48.039 invested money, or because we've just invested. Right. Most people who go 205 00:15:48.080 --> 00:15:52.320 through a divorce or a breakup, the most common thing I hear is, 206 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:58.240 wow, I should have done it earlier, I didn't know how great it 207 00:15:58.399 --> 00:16:03.639 was on the other side, right, So the sunk cost bias makes us 208 00:16:03.679 --> 00:16:11.039 stay in relationships that are bad for us. Speaking of relationships, if you're 209 00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:14.200 in one, I want you to listen up because coming back, I want 210 00:16:14.240 --> 00:16:18.759 to talk about the most common relationship mistakes that people make. And this comes 211 00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:22.480 from my own experience and a little bit of science and research, but honestly, 212 00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:26.879 I want you to have a healthy, happy relationship. So don't make 213 00:16:26.919 --> 00:16:29.600 these mistakes. I'll talk about them when we come back. You're listening to 214 00:16:29.600 --> 00:16:33.039 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 215 00:16:33.120 --> 00:16:38.600 the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM 216 00:16:38.600 --> 00:16:45.200 six forty KFI and six you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is 217 00:16:45.240 --> 00:16:48.360 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience. If 218 00:16:48.399 --> 00:16:51.360 you want to come over to Instagram and see what we're doing here in the 219 00:16:51.360 --> 00:16:52.960 studio, you're welcome to. By the way, I'm in a casual no 220 00:16:53.080 --> 00:16:57.600 makeup day. I'm I'm just here. But the reason why I'm on Instagram 221 00:16:57.600 --> 00:17:02.240 as well as on KFI. Right now is because I want to talk about 222 00:17:02.240 --> 00:17:07.319 the most common relationship myths, not miss mistakes, those common relationship mistakes according 223 00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:11.240 to me, and some from science that I think people make. And after 224 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:15.160 this segment, I'm going to be taking your calls if you have relationship calls. 225 00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:18.680 Reminder to everybody, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a 226 00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:22.279 psychology professor, not a therapist, but I am obsessed with the science of 227 00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:26.000 love. I've written three books on relationships. I did my dissertation on attachment 228 00:17:26.079 --> 00:17:30.920 theory. I think about the science of love a lot, all right, 229 00:17:30.039 --> 00:17:37.599 in my opinion, here are the most common mistakes that people make in relationships. 230 00:17:37.599 --> 00:17:44.960 First of all, having gender role expectations that are not discussed. Right. 231 00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:49.359 So, if you have an idea that men are supposed to do something 232 00:17:51.319 --> 00:17:56.559 or women are supposed to do something, and you haven't decided to tell your 233 00:17:56.599 --> 00:18:00.000 mate that you have this feeling, then you're going to run in clashes all 234 00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:04.440 the time, and you're gonna wonder why now I happen to have a relationship 235 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:11.559 that, in some areas has some traditional gender roles and some not, Like, 236 00:18:11.599 --> 00:18:17.400 for instance, I have an internal idea I'm sorry to say this. 237 00:18:17.799 --> 00:18:19.920 The men should take out the trash. It's just me, okay, And 238 00:18:19.960 --> 00:18:23.319 I happen to have a boyfriend who takes out the trash. It's never come 239 00:18:23.400 --> 00:18:27.519 up whether it's his job or not. He just does it. On the 240 00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:30.839 other hand, here's the good thing. I love, love, love to 241 00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:34.119 cook. Love it not because I'm a girl. There are lots of great 242 00:18:34.119 --> 00:18:37.519 male chefs out there. I just love to cook. And here's the wonderful 243 00:18:37.519 --> 00:18:41.839 thing. He happens to love to do dishes. Literally, after a meal, 244 00:18:42.000 --> 00:18:45.119 I take my glass of wine, I go sit over, look at 245 00:18:45.160 --> 00:18:48.559 the Telly, read a little New York Times wait for him to finish the 246 00:18:48.599 --> 00:18:52.640 dishes. I don't even offer to help. But anyway, if you don't 247 00:18:52.720 --> 00:18:59.079 talk about these things, then you're gonna wonder why you're erupting over little things. 248 00:19:00.119 --> 00:19:03.680 All right, here's another big mistake that a lot of people make in 249 00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:11.480 their relationships. They don't resolve their childhood issues on their own first, and 250 00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:19.720 instead blame their partner for quote unquote triggering them. As if your partner did 251 00:19:21.000 --> 00:19:26.119 something to you to trigger you. Now, I want to remind you, 252 00:19:26.599 --> 00:19:30.279 if we're going to go with the metaphor of the trigger. You're holding the 253 00:19:30.319 --> 00:19:33.599 gun and you pull the trigger. Okay, it's up to you to resolve 254 00:19:33.720 --> 00:19:41.799 your childhood issues so that you won't go off. You won't metaphorically press that 255 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:47.799 trigger, right, it won't feel hurtful. It's your job to take care 256 00:19:47.839 --> 00:19:52.519 of your stuff and not blame your partner for triggering you, whatever that means. 257 00:19:53.799 --> 00:19:57.599 Here's another mistake people make in relationships. They fall so deeply in love 258 00:19:57.640 --> 00:20:02.279 or they get so enmashed or com a cocoon that never separates, that they 259 00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:06.480 don't get enough social support. In other words, they don't have enough of 260 00:20:06.519 --> 00:20:10.839 a life outside of the relationship. Now, I'm not saying you should have 261 00:20:10.880 --> 00:20:14.200 a kind of life that threatens your relationship, hanging out with people who might 262 00:20:14.240 --> 00:20:18.160 be potential, you know, romantic partners for you. But you should bring 263 00:20:18.279 --> 00:20:22.759 something back to the table, something interesting. You know. My favorite thing 264 00:20:22.799 --> 00:20:26.319 is at the end of a work day, my boyfriend will say to me, 265 00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:29.799 oh, get this, and then I know he's about to embark on 266 00:20:29.799 --> 00:20:33.079 a really great story of something that happened in the day. Get this, 267 00:20:33.240 --> 00:20:36.200 he says. When I hear the get this, up comes the story, 268 00:20:36.359 --> 00:20:41.079 right, and that brings new energy into our relationship. I come home from 269 00:20:41.240 --> 00:20:44.960 KFI Radio and I say, get this. You know what Kayla said today, 270 00:20:45.240 --> 00:20:48.240 right, producer, Kayla, you actually come home with us sometimes. 271 00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:53.240 Did you know that? That makes me very happy? So grow yourself as 272 00:20:53.240 --> 00:20:56.200 an individual, not in a way that threatens the relationship, but in a 273 00:20:56.200 --> 00:21:00.319 way that brings stuff into the relationship. All right, here's a big, 274 00:21:00.359 --> 00:21:04.799 one, big mistake people make. They spend a lot of time on this 275 00:21:04.839 --> 00:21:10.519 in their relationship, trying to change somebody else. Guess what, you can't 276 00:21:10.599 --> 00:21:14.640 change anybody else. You should spend time learning to accept them, or at 277 00:21:14.680 --> 00:21:22.319 least tolerate them. Also, you need to work on changing your reaction to 278 00:21:22.359 --> 00:21:25.519 them. Okay, here's an example from my life. Tiny thing. You 279 00:21:25.559 --> 00:21:26.640 know, they say it's the little things that break people up, right, 280 00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:32.039 They get irritated. They say that the way they roll the toothpaste, how 281 00:21:32.039 --> 00:21:34.079 they bang their razor on the sink and leave the hairs, whatever, the 282 00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:37.880 little stuff, right, that pile up and then you have a big war. 283 00:21:37.599 --> 00:21:41.880 So in our case, my boyfriend loves drawers. I don't know why 284 00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:45.279 he loves drawers. I like shelves. My closet has shelves in it. 285 00:21:45.400 --> 00:21:49.759 He likes dressers with drawers, okay, but he never closes all the drawers 286 00:21:49.799 --> 00:21:53.359 fully. In fact, in any given dresser that may have six drawers, 287 00:21:53.640 --> 00:21:57.599 six of them are open in different amounts, and in chair two inches there, 288 00:21:57.640 --> 00:22:03.480 a quarter inch there. Drives me crazy. Drives me crazy. So 289 00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:10.079 I could nag him and try to get him to change his behavior so I 290 00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:14.640 will be happier, or I could change my reaction to it. And here's 291 00:22:14.680 --> 00:22:17.519 what I decided to do. About a year ago. I adopted this. 292 00:22:18.079 --> 00:22:23.319 I said, those drawers are a great opportunity for me to get in shape, 293 00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:27.759 because if I do a very deep sumou squat, I can use my 294 00:22:27.839 --> 00:22:33.200 knee to get the bottom drawer closed. If I stretch high to the sky 295 00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:36.680 and turn around and do a pirouette, I can use my back heel to 296 00:22:36.720 --> 00:22:41.839 do an arabesque and close the top drawer. And every time I close a 297 00:22:41.920 --> 00:22:45.680 drawer, I say the words I love you, Julio, I love you 298 00:22:45.759 --> 00:22:48.200 Julio, I love you Julio, and he laughs. He could be in 299 00:22:48.240 --> 00:22:51.480 the other room and he hears me, and he knows I'm getting a workout 300 00:22:51.519 --> 00:22:56.119 closing his drawers, and I'm grateful that he left me a workout that's what 301 00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:00.319 I am. Right. You see you change you reframe it your attitude instead 302 00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:04.759 of trying to change somebody. Oh here's a big one. I'm not going 303 00:23:04.839 --> 00:23:08.839 to share a story about this one, but just saying. People get into 304 00:23:08.839 --> 00:23:14.359 long term relationships and one of the biggest mistakes they make is they think their 305 00:23:14.400 --> 00:23:21.000 sexual desire should be effortless. It should just happen, it should just come. 306 00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:25.160 No, you have to work at it, you have to schedule it, 307 00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:27.720 plan it, make novelty happen, all kinds of stuff you have to 308 00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:33.000 do. Right. Oh, and I want to end with two that are 309 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:37.960 really really, really really important, thinking it's your partner's job to make you 310 00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:41.920 happy. I just want to tell you right now it is nobody's job but 311 00:23:41.160 --> 00:23:48.000 yours to make you happy. In fact, happy people have happy relationships. 312 00:23:48.640 --> 00:23:52.720 So it's incumbent on you to figure out what you need and not be dependent 313 00:23:52.759 --> 00:23:57.200 on somebody else to make you happy. Oh. I just want to throw 314 00:23:57.240 --> 00:24:00.160 in, also, your partner's not a mind reader. If you find yourself 315 00:24:00.240 --> 00:24:07.720 ever saying they should know really tell them, communicate better. And I will 316 00:24:07.799 --> 00:24:11.680 end with this. The biggest mistake people make in long term relationships is they 317 00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:15.359 wait too long to go to couple's therapy. They wait until they're broken up 318 00:24:15.400 --> 00:24:19.400 and then they go to a therapist for her or his anointment. That it's 319 00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:23.200 okay to break up. You should go when the little squeaks and wheels in 320 00:24:23.240 --> 00:24:26.759 the machine are happening, it's getting a little creaky. That's when you go 321 00:24:26.839 --> 00:24:30.240 for a tune up. You don't wait till the end. All right, 322 00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:34.440 when we come back, I am taking your relationship questions. The number is 323 00:24:34.480 --> 00:24:40.400 one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two 324 00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:42.440 zero one five three four. Here's what's going to happen. Producer Kayla's going 325 00:24:42.480 --> 00:24:45.720 to go to the phones. You get to say hello to her first. 326 00:24:45.960 --> 00:24:48.160 You don't have to use your real name. You can be anonymous. I 327 00:24:48.160 --> 00:24:52.319 know this is very intimate things. I get it, but give us a 328 00:24:52.359 --> 00:24:55.559 call. I'm happy to answer your questions. The number is one eight hundred 329 00:24:55.880 --> 00:25:00.200 five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor we 330 00:25:00.400 --> 00:25:03.720 show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 331 00:25:03.799 --> 00:25:11.960 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six FORTYFI AM six 332 00:25:11.079 --> 00:25:15.160 forty do you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 333 00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:18.839 Walsh Show and this is the time of the show where I take your calls 334 00:25:18.839 --> 00:25:22.119 and answer your social media questions. I still have Instagram on board. Somebody 335 00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:25.480 just asked me on Instagram. By the way, the number is one eight 336 00:25:25.559 --> 00:25:30.680 hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one 337 00:25:30.839 --> 00:25:34.000 five three four someone on Instagram just ask me. If you broke up with 338 00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:37.799 somebody and then you get back together, what are your chances for success? 339 00:25:37.920 --> 00:25:41.440 And the chances are great if you don't enter the same relationship you were in 340 00:25:41.480 --> 00:25:45.880 before and others. It could be with the same person but different kind of 341 00:25:45.960 --> 00:25:48.839 relationship. So going to couple's therapy is really important so you can learn new 342 00:25:48.920 --> 00:25:52.480 relationship skills. So figure out what went wrong? Right? All right? 343 00:25:52.480 --> 00:25:55.960 Producer Kayla, who do we have on the line. We have Bree with 344 00:25:56.039 --> 00:26:00.400 the question, Brie. Hello, Brie, It's Doctor Wendy by Doctor Wendy. 345 00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:07.039 What's your question? Like I listened to you like every week. My 346 00:26:07.240 --> 00:26:14.279 question My question is about it's a relationship but not a love relationship. Well, 347 00:26:14.400 --> 00:26:22.759 I love my sister, yes, and uh so long story short, 348 00:26:23.759 --> 00:26:30.839 my mom passed away and I took it really hard, and afterwards I made 349 00:26:30.920 --> 00:26:37.119 some very poor choices and it resulted in my sister having to adopt my daughter. 350 00:26:37.559 --> 00:26:42.319 Long story short, And this was almost two years ago. Oh it's 351 00:26:42.440 --> 00:26:47.839 just two years. This is so new. Yeah. And how old is 352 00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:56.240 your daughter that your sister adopted? Four? Honey? Honey? And I 353 00:26:59.440 --> 00:27:04.319 she excuse me, sorry, take your time. And I've turned my life 354 00:27:04.359 --> 00:27:15.160 around since then, mm hmm. And she she can't move forward from the 355 00:27:15.279 --> 00:27:26.200 past and forgive me and has taken all communications. Oh my daughter, Oh 356 00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:29.880 no, no, no, oh, dad, I just don't know how 357 00:27:29.920 --> 00:27:36.039 to how to move forward. I know, okay with her and everything. 358 00:27:36.200 --> 00:27:41.319 So that I have it clear, your mom passed away, and two years 359 00:27:41.319 --> 00:27:45.599 ago, your sister adopted your two year old at the time, right, 360 00:27:47.640 --> 00:27:52.400 because of some bad life choices, some you know, response to your mom's 361 00:27:52.440 --> 00:27:56.680 death. May I ask, Bree, how old you are? I'm thirty 362 00:27:56.680 --> 00:28:00.880 three, thirty three and you have a four year old out there who you're 363 00:28:00.920 --> 00:28:06.279 not allowed to see or talk to. Now I can, legally, but 364 00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:10.960 my sister just doesn't think it's a good idea. Oh wait, you can't 365 00:28:11.680 --> 00:28:15.720 legally. Yeah, it's they've just made it up to her my sister. 366 00:28:18.839 --> 00:28:21.920 Okay, so it sounds like you need a lawyer, Bree, I think 367 00:28:21.920 --> 00:28:26.319 you need two things. Okay. You need a therapist to help you through 368 00:28:26.359 --> 00:28:32.319 this emotional time guaranteed, and even if you don't have money, there are 369 00:28:32.359 --> 00:28:36.079 ways to get affordable therapists. I always tell people this. The Affordable Care 370 00:28:36.160 --> 00:28:40.559 Act means that your health insurance has to pay for some. Also, every 371 00:28:40.880 --> 00:28:45.200 college and university that has graduate school has all kinds of PhDs there who will 372 00:28:45.240 --> 00:28:48.920 give you therapy for sometimes free or very little. So you need to have 373 00:28:48.279 --> 00:28:52.920 a therapist, that's first thing. And then when you get emotionally a little 374 00:28:52.920 --> 00:28:59.519 more sound and you're feeling stronger, I would highly suggest that you work with 375 00:28:59.559 --> 00:29:03.039 an a turn to make sure that you have your legal rights as bio mom 376 00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:06.799 because your daughter, in my opinion, this is just my opinion. Now, 377 00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:10.720 I'm just a mom and a human being, but your daughter should know 378 00:29:11.200 --> 00:29:15.480 both her mothers, her mother and her aunt. And the more adults who 379 00:29:15.599 --> 00:29:18.920 care about a child, the better outcomes for kids. This we know. 380 00:29:21.079 --> 00:29:27.920 And she wouldn't let me see her today smaller, And I just don't know 381 00:29:27.960 --> 00:29:33.799 how to get how to talk to my sisters. And have you been honest 382 00:29:33.799 --> 00:29:37.359 and vulnerable with your sister? Have you let her know how painful this is? 383 00:29:38.200 --> 00:29:45.440 And what is her reaction? What does she say? She either doesn't 384 00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:52.039 respond or she does respond. It's just like you guys just texting. You're 385 00:29:52.079 --> 00:30:00.279 not talking. Oh she won't answer the phone. Oh no, you to 386 00:30:00.279 --> 00:30:03.759 have a line of communication up. You need to say and you need to 387 00:30:03.799 --> 00:30:08.119 talk to Does she live in your city? No, but she's close. 388 00:30:08.400 --> 00:30:12.359 She's close. She's close enough that you could set up a meeting. I 389 00:30:12.400 --> 00:30:17.119 think you need to set up a meeting neral and a neutral place, and 390 00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:22.400 you need to let her know how important this is and that you may take 391 00:30:22.440 --> 00:30:26.640 the next step, which is trying to fight for your legal rights. But 392 00:30:26.680 --> 00:30:30.640 in the meantime, you know, you know, try to tell her. 393 00:30:30.759 --> 00:30:33.279 I mean, if it's true that you've changed and that you're not going to 394 00:30:33.319 --> 00:30:36.519 be a bad influence on your daughter, you're not going to hurt your daughter. 395 00:30:36.519 --> 00:30:38.319 And you're not even asking maybe even to be alone with your daughter or 396 00:30:38.319 --> 00:30:44.000 take your daughter out somewhere. You're just asking to check in with her and 397 00:30:44.039 --> 00:30:47.519 be able to see her and let her know that she's loved and cared for 398 00:30:48.359 --> 00:30:49.799 and the other thing. I would say, Brie, this is just me 399 00:30:49.839 --> 00:30:52.880 as a mom. If this were I always put myself in somebody's shoes, 400 00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:59.519 And if this was me, I would be writing a letter a day to 401 00:30:59.759 --> 00:31:04.559 my daughter and put it in a shoebox. And someday, when she's a 402 00:31:04.640 --> 00:31:10.799 teenager and she's mad at her aunt, mom, you can get that shoe 403 00:31:10.799 --> 00:31:15.039 box to her and she can see how hard you tried and what you did 404 00:31:15.519 --> 00:31:19.039 and the love you wanted to give her. I think it's really important that 405 00:31:19.119 --> 00:31:26.400 you document your emotional feelings and give it to your daughter. Brie. I'm 406 00:31:26.440 --> 00:31:29.720 sorry it's radio, and I wish we had hours and hours. I want 407 00:31:29.720 --> 00:31:32.440 to give you a big hug. But thank you for calling in. I 408 00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:37.240 appreciate it. Oh that's heartbreaking. Okay, Producer, Kayla, who do 409 00:31:37.279 --> 00:31:40.720 we have an ex? We have Ruth with a question. Okay, Hi, 410 00:31:40.880 --> 00:31:45.599 Ruth, it's doctor Wendy. I'm so glad you're there, Doctor Wendy. 411 00:31:45.799 --> 00:31:48.119 Oh, I felt so bad for that girl. Did you hear her? 412 00:31:48.920 --> 00:31:52.599 I did, and I called and I'm like, that's so similar. 413 00:31:52.640 --> 00:31:57.559 But I'm the grandmother. I'm the grandmother, and my daughter got arrested. 414 00:31:59.440 --> 00:32:04.920 Wait, the grandmother of the woman who just called in or somebody else that 415 00:32:04.960 --> 00:32:08.839 would be that would be really weird. But no, Okay, similar situation. 416 00:32:09.279 --> 00:32:14.440 So you're a grandmother and sadly your daughter got involved with the criminal justice 417 00:32:14.440 --> 00:32:20.559 system, right, so she's considered a felon and they won't give her her 418 00:32:20.680 --> 00:32:27.599 children. They ended up divorcing her husband, and and I thought, She's 419 00:32:27.640 --> 00:32:30.599 like, I would rather my children be put up for adoption than go to 420 00:32:30.680 --> 00:32:35.880 my husband. And I'm like, oh, hell no. So finally she's 421 00:32:35.920 --> 00:32:39.000 been very good since all of that has happened, but she's iced me out, 422 00:32:39.559 --> 00:32:45.720 and so has he. And now I have no contact. And how 423 00:32:45.720 --> 00:32:57.079 old are your grandkids? Ruth? They they were newborn. Okay, now 424 00:32:57.119 --> 00:33:02.160 there's now there's ten. The young it's ten. It's just ten years later. 425 00:33:02.880 --> 00:33:08.640 Okay, So now the oldest is fifteen, thirteen and ten and so, 426 00:33:09.079 --> 00:33:14.599 and when is the last time you were able to see them? I 427 00:33:14.640 --> 00:33:17.880 went to church today and one of them was there, so I gave her 428 00:33:17.880 --> 00:33:22.839 a this is their thirteen year old and I'd like tell your sister and your 429 00:33:22.839 --> 00:33:24.960 brother. I said hello, and that I love them. But mom and 430 00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:34.519 dad don't want they're just okay, So that's one child, my other my 431 00:33:34.920 --> 00:33:39.319 that's my number one child, my number two childs He married a young lady 432 00:33:39.359 --> 00:33:43.359 with four children. I mean, it's like, that was my prayer to 433 00:33:43.400 --> 00:33:45.079 God, God, please let me find a man who will love me and 434 00:33:45.160 --> 00:33:52.000 my four children. But God answered my prayer to my son, and then 435 00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:58.119 they had a child together and it was going great until I introduced. I 436 00:33:58.160 --> 00:34:00.680 told my new daughter in law, I said, look, if you come 437 00:34:00.720 --> 00:34:05.920 to this family, you got to know that my daughter is a felon, 438 00:34:06.319 --> 00:34:08.840 and so you know, she understood everything. But then when my daughter talked 439 00:34:08.880 --> 00:34:14.199 to her, Yeah, my new daughter in law got turned against me. 440 00:34:15.199 --> 00:34:19.559 And so now they're like, oh, your helicopter grandmother and is too much. 441 00:34:19.639 --> 00:34:22.400 We don't want you in our life. Oh so now okay, So 442 00:34:22.559 --> 00:34:28.159 Ruth, okay, Ruth. I know that this is a sad day for 443 00:34:28.199 --> 00:34:30.679 you because it's Mother's Day and you got eight grandchildren that you were unable to 444 00:34:30.760 --> 00:34:36.280 reach out to. I definitely think that you need to work through some of 445 00:34:36.280 --> 00:34:40.159 this stuff in therapy, and also as my advice for Bree, write a 446 00:34:40.199 --> 00:34:45.440 letter to your grandchildren every day because someday they're going to show up and they're 447 00:34:45.440 --> 00:34:47.280 going to say, where were you, and you can hand them the shoe 448 00:34:47.280 --> 00:34:52.639 box and say, here's my box of tears. Here's what happened, Here's 449 00:34:52.679 --> 00:34:55.280 why I was unable to reach you, Here's why I will always be there 450 00:34:55.280 --> 00:35:00.199 for you if you reach out to me, and I think documenting your feeling 451 00:35:00.639 --> 00:35:04.159 letting them know is the best thing you can do. Oh, thank you 452 00:35:04.199 --> 00:35:06.360 for calling Ruth. All right, when we come back, I'm going to 453 00:35:06.440 --> 00:35:09.320 head over to social media because I see some of my dms are all about 454 00:35:09.360 --> 00:35:14.519 dating and hooking up and oh my, somebody has quite a moral question for 455 00:35:14.599 --> 00:35:17.480 me. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six 456 00:35:17.599 --> 00:35:23.159 forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor 457 00:35:23.159 --> 00:35:27.559 Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from 458 00:35:27.599 --> 00:35:31.400 seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.