Comedy Central Podcast. No. Thank you very much, friends. I don
' t deserve any less. It' s a real pleasure, a great
joy, isn' t it? I would dare even say why not what
a luxury for each and every one of you that I am here. Also,
among other things, because I want to leave something pointed out, after
so many years in this house with you, I want to make something clear.
I am not one of the few artists in this country who, in
addition to being very attractive, have a way of saying it, a wide
cultural background. I mean, I' m a person with a very high
culture. Actually, I have college education. I' m a graduate of
Hispanic philology. I got a degree in Hispanic philology in case I didn'
t do well about the show having something safe. I mean, I know
this is going wrong with me now, and with my philologist' s resume,
I get the money. I mean, it' s one thing.
What I want to give you curiously is that there are a lot of people
working on television, of familiar faces that are also philologists. You didn'
t know, for example, Jorge Javier Vázquez. Jorge Javier Vázquez is a
Spanish philologist and faggot, falcon, very faggot. It' s funny to
say the word faggot. It' s so funny to me, because it
automatically divides the room into two. There are those who have laughed truth and
then there are those who have bothered them, that is, the people who
have offended. Because Miguel La Hago has used the word maricom which is a
word that evokes the monster of Francoism. I guess right now the social network
is smoking? Why are Assachis smoking? I can already imagine how my twitter
should be, that is, it must be blown up that if Miguel something
that if you are a homophobe, that yes, that if you are a
son of the Great Whore, it has nothing to do with telling someone queer
but people on Twitter gets hot. That wouldn' t have happened before.
Before. I' m talking during Francoism why, because I couldn' t
have said that, because before there was the censor figure. It' s
worth it to the defender in a man who was going through the theaters saying
he was going through the script and saying what to say and what not to
say. He took this and crossed it out. This is not, this
is not, this is immoral, this is shameful, this is intolerable,
this cannot be done. Then I almost got to the best of it because
the dinner was cold, it gave the woman a shit, but because they
had a confused moral code, because I liked that there were censors I wish.
They would really come back, uh, I wish, because at least
I would have located it, I mean, there would be a censor there
and I would try to dodge it somehow, but there would be one me
against what I can' t, it' s against what Spain has become,
which is a country of fifty million censors, fifty million each of us.
That is, at least, exhausting, always saying what can be said,
what can be said, what can be said in a newspaper, what
can be said on a television. That' s tiring and you want to
tell me I buy any joke that starts with that faggot in Triana neighborhood.
I buy it good and as the joke is, there' s a faggot,
a stutterer and a lame fuck stop the car, I mean, tell
me. Please, I like it. I like it. It makes me
feel good. In fact, Spanish means what it does to feel modern.
He grabs to according to what things, for example, to read fifty shades
of Grey, It is not true to feel modern, fifty shadows and you
believe all you know this trilogy, which goes basically to fuck, that is,
to fuck you. I tell, for example, the argument of the
first novel. In it appears our protagonist, Anastasia Steel, a young girl
of twenty- three, twenty- four years. What do you know in
an interview and by chance our protagonist, Christian Grey, multimillionaire twenty- eight
billionaire years. I' m talking about money, but more, that'
s to bore you, it' s an exaggerated thing. He pilots his
own helicopter and is also described as the most beautiful, handsome and attractive man
in the history of mankind. Don' t ask me why she' s
attracted to him and she starts a clear relationship that he sets the ground.
He doesn' t call her a girl. If you want to be with
me, I want to explain that I' m into s. M.
Bondash, domination, submission and masochism. Come on, he likes to give
it, but shit like pianos, that' s ping pam ping. He
has in his house a quarter of the pain and towards the end of the
novel, she wants to experiment, he begins to develop according to what behaviors
with him, but one day he already wants a little more he takes off
his belt, hits him a marimba I swear to you eh, that is
the girl seemed. Ben Ur started pite Pa Pi Path. It is known
that he felt bad and left it and this is how the first novel is
summed up. I have just saved you twenty- six euros and wasted time
with real intellectual terrorism. What' s the bet seller? It is the
best- selling book in Spain for the last fifteen years. It' s
awesome, I mean, all the women have read it, they' re
reading it. It' s a pass. I, as an international artist,
travel a lot and yes always in all airports there is always an aunt
with the little book of Marras next to me in the waiting room. He
' s there reading the book and I get nervous. You know why I
feel like saying" Holy Cochina" to her, but I' m telling
her anyway, she' s offended because I' m a woman like that.
Oh, how modern. I' m just reading through grey shadows and
then you get offended when I give you a dick in the face. Let
' s get this straight. It' s not normal. It' s
that double standard that bothers me so much. Imagine me coming out on TV
in an interview and telling me without a doubt what I like best in bed
is hitting a woman. I' m not working again. No. No,
my career is over, it' s over, it' s over,
but that book can tell you what difference it makes look like. I
' m gonna tell a story. Ninety- one year, end of year
Tuesday and thirteen Tuesdays and thirteen, unforgettable duo that made us enjoy Christmas They
made a very famous sketch that everyone will remember that it was that of my
husband beats me. He went out to Millan characterized as a woman with a
black eye and said that I cried ay. My husband beats me, he
hits me, he beats me like that half an hour, my husband beats
me, he hits me. And the next sketch passed an advance. The
show was burying the husband who had died and she cried. Oh, he
' s gonna hit me now, so he doesn' t hit me anymore.
The whole of Spain got wild, didn' t applaud the skeech.
Well, that was wonderful. Today u See the writer who writes it already
decides not to record it. Let' s say it' s decided to
record it. It' s recorded, it' s decided not to mount
it, let' s put it together, decide not to broadcast it,
let' s say it' s broadcast. The next day they close the
channel is over and twenty- five years ago and you' re telling me
we' re more advanced today. That' s not a lie, least
of all in the smoke humor seen today. If you want to make a
joke a little bit, you know what I say by squeezing a little bit,
you have to do it at home, because at home it' s
the only place you feel safe, unless you' re walkers. This is
because camels have been robbed of their house. You know, he' s
been mugged. He' s been assaulted by three Romans. Well, you
don' t know if they were Romans, but I put my hand on
the fire. The point is, they broke into his house at dawn.
They tied him up and gagged him. They tied him up so he wouldn
' t escape and gagged him so he wouldn' t sing. The news
case. What struck me powerfully is that they didn' t hit anything.
They didn' t attack him, they didn' t touch his hair,
nothing. That' s very nice. I don' t think there'
s a bigger man who' s born to an artist than to jump into
his house and not hit him I hope that one day it happens to me,
look at what I' m saying, because I guess when they were
preparing the assault, because someone warmed his mouth, we went in there and
we grabbed him pein pam pan and said another no for real. How we
' re gonna hit Camilo is this. How we' re going to beat
the man who made us vibrate with Jesus Christ Superstar. How we' re
gonna beat the man who made us dance with living like this is dying of
love. He also made mollamazo. I don' t argue with you,
but he' s got something on me. Melina forgive me everything for nothing
and they didn' t hit her how nice? Because with José Luis Moreno
there was no doubt. Hey I mean, Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha People get hot. Also,
and today where, when you' re already entangled by something, you
get angry, so I could say no, no, no, what you
' re doing today, protest on Twitter, you know on Facebook, put
on your wall things clear and denounce this whole situation and what you' ve
said, what you' ve said, because of course, Tuesday and 13
today I couldn' t work. But Jorge Javier Vázquez, who well,
Jorge Javier Vázquez can be every afternoon with his cut of suckers on television for
four hours, tearing apart, vilifying, insulting, and that can be done.
It' s funny. And the people he does go out on the
street and he shows that people like him are going at best people get hot
Twitter. I remember a case. A while ago. You know when she
died, Sister Mary, Sister Mary, the nun steals children, which is
how posterity has passed. Sister Maria, the baby nun. The lady died
at eighty- seven years of age and at that time social networks were combustible.
I open Twitter and read the tweet of a 17- year- old
boy. He said I read attention. He had a hundred and twenty characters
left. He' s got that little. He paid attention, put Fallece,
Sister Mary. That' s what happens to him as a whore,
hahahahaha, what I hear, but seriously, for a whore you want to
come here like eighty- seven years. The ladies are dead for whore.
You' re telling me seriously You want there really is a direct relationship between
being a whore and dying. The kid was at home I got the news
out of the way. That' s what happens to her as a whore
to send, and she doesn' t care about everything. The boy was
already coming Calentito who, in a way, I can understand. I can
understand that you are robbed of your son and you are not upset a priori,
but I put myself on the other side, year nine hundred and fifty
- nine, Madrid, a marriage of forty- two. Forty- three
years, they' ve been married 15 years and have no children. She
cries every night until she falls asleep, holding her withered belly because she fails
to make her dream come true as a child, which was to be a
mother. He' s broken, he' s even started drinking because he
can' t make the woman of his life happy and that' s killing
him inside one day. A friend tells him he knows he' s been
told that he knows about a nun who for a hundred thousand pesetas gives you
a child and this man mortgages himself, seeks the money from where he doesn
' t have it. When with a hundred thousand pesetas of the fifty-
nine year you bought three floors in the center of Madrid, he gets that
money and like for a baby to make his wife happy. That' s
the nicest thing I' ve ever seen in my life. Fuck. That
' s beautiful and also, responsibility, because you have a biological child,
you drop it in the park and give it to you. You fall off
a slide, a child who cost you 100, 000 pesetas doesn' t
forgive him. That' s a lifeless one. You' re in the
park with a hell of a tension. Good shit and since I' m
over two years old, consumption doesn' t cover you. See who you
claim when you' re 15. Dad tells you I' m gothic.
Go get the nun' s accounts Forget about it You' re sold.
I understand that some people leave a little bit You know what happens to me,
I just understand parenthood as something animal. I' m a father,
I have two children and I understand it this way. In fact, last
week I was seeing Susana griso because I used to see Ana Rosa, but
Ana Rosa gets her locked up. Then I see Susana. I was seeing
Susana when I see a middle- aged marriage with a child about twelve years
old. Fat ugly glasses good anyway. The point is they were going to
talk about bullying I see, they' re going to talk about bullying and
me at home bullying, bullying, a bullying case and me? Bullying?
Bullying, bullying, so, bullying, bullying me? They' re gonna
talk about bullying, bullyingbullyin, bullying, so, bullying, bullying and me,
what' s bullying gonna be? Bullying? They' re going to
talk about bullying, about what? Bullyin, bullyin, bullyn bullyng, bullying,
bullying and me, what' s bullying? I' m looking for
him on the Internet bullying what it was like all my life beating up the
fool in the class. Now they call him bullying. The point is that
the mother comes out and says good morning, Susana, thank you for inviting
us to your show. We' re already desperate, desperate because my son
gets beat up in high school like a piano laughs at Tube, Christian Gray,
that is, the child is shocked and we can' t do it
anymore. We can no longer use it because attention I open quotes says we
have already put seventeen complaints in the school, fourteen complaints in the Community of
Madrid and twelve complaints to the Ombudsman of the meno and the child they continue
to beat good that they have hit him this morning that then we will not
take out of the recess. I' ve already brought a black eye.
Don' t you see the makeup one to cover it up and we can
' t do it anymore. And it fits me like that. I took
a role and a pen. I started accounting. I say let' s
see. Let' s see first day your son comes home twelve years old
with a black eye. You say. These are kid stuff. On the
second day we already have to if you' re going to talk to the
teacher, on the third day with the head of studies, on the fourth
day with the director, on the fifth day threats to report and on the
sixth you file a complaint. This means that your son has been beaten seventeen
plus six twenty- three times, but that' s the 24th beating.
I' m sick of them not listening to you at school. Where you
go to the Community of Madrid, where you put a total of fourteen denunciations,
plus thirty, but that is to beat thirty- nine. Seeing that
the Community of Madrid also does not put a brake on the matter, you
go to the Ombudsman of the Minor where you make twelve more complaints than I
do. I think the official, when I' m going to get you
in, takes out the pink paper Hostia, the usual thing that they'
ve hit the kid, throwing a total of fifty- one beatings, but
it' s that beating fifty- two. The best thing you can think
of is going to TV. Of course, that' s a great idea.
Go on TV, make the kid famous, let everyone know about him.
If when I cross it and say look, today they didn' t
hit it. It' s not normal. Let' s see. It
' s not normal for you to let your 12- year- old come
in that you' ve fucked up fifty- three times. It' s
not normal that I don' t even get half a look. This is
very simple. I repeat, I have two children, yes, twelve years
old. Any one of my kids gets home. It' s very simple.
I' m going to school the next day I' m telling you,
I want to know who hit you. I put them in the trunk
of my car. I' ll take them off the ground. I hit
shit whose only limit is blood. Once I finish, I put a plastic
in the trunk, put them back in the emergency room, because I'
m not a hanger where I leave them as a photocopy of my deni and
a note for their parents who say come home that I' m waiting for
you children of the Great Whore. And when the father sees it, I
blow it, too, and it' s bigger than you. I'
ll get him in the back, but I' m gonna blow him up,
' cause no one touches my kids. Gentlemen, you have to go
back to the fifties when you could hit a child, you have to go
back, you have to beat the kids to see the others, not yours.
And we' re always the same, always the same with the same
bullshit. That shouldn' t be done. That shouldn' t be said.
I remember when the cruise went down the Concordia coast you remember the coast
concordia that Italian cruise that I don' t know how it did, but
I find it harder to dump it than to sink it. I mean,
you give me a pick and a shovel and I' ll sink your boat.
You' re asking me to dump him here I don' t even
know where to start, I mean, what I wanted to get into port
by touching my knee. I don' t understand. The fact is that
he turns to the boat, turns to the boat and then produces the most
famous anecdote that is that it has to do with the captain Tino esque.
The captain is that Tino declared attention. I will not add or take away
any words from the captain' s official statement to the maritime authorities. The
captain is Kettino declared that I stumbled on board the first boat, save lives
that was headed for port and once on land, I thought better handling from
this location the rescue work. I say good and if I bring you a
gintonic, it' s already a crazy thing. I was bringing in just
like we' re going down slowly. Please, automatically, not to applaud
you with a certain criterion. Increase automatically. The international community points to Captain
Esquetino as a coward and a miserable, when I believe that this man,
his only sin is to be a human being. I mean, he did
what anyone else would do to save himself, because the nuance is that the
captain is in his house today and there are twenty- three at the bottom
of the sea. Let' s not forget that. Let' s not
forget that. You remember when they were there in the reporters good afternoon.
We' re here with the survivors of the Costa Concordia. Let' s
see, let' s see, let' s see, let' s
see, let' s see. Survivor is a category at least elevated by
that rule of three. I am a flu survivor who has ravaged humanity throughout
history. It is a waste of billions of innocent lives, for we are
survivors because we have made a partnership and we are going to meet once a
year. So fuck knowing what restaurant you give me is pretty, because you
are good come ah, Super well, we are here with the survivors of
the Costa Concordia, this, Señora, marriage of Valencia. Let' s
talk, see how they feel, how they meet, and Mrs A takes
mom to drink. We' re with the psychological help I say, well,
you already brought psychological help from before. This fool goes because you can
believe he' s the ship' s crew, bartenders, personal boat drivers
in general, banging on the passengers to get out. First you can believe
it. I, yes, you can' t be the people since you
saw Titanic It' s believed that while the ship is sinking, the other
plays the violin, so save yourself who can and the lady doesn' t.
First, first the passengers and then the crew. Of course, the
typical Indian waiter, who embarked eleven months a year for three hundred dollars a
month, has to let pass first to a marriage in Valencia that has spent
twelve zero euros on a week' s vacation to see if they stick a
fuck and recover the magic walks and that they give them asses and again we
tend to put up with that friend touches balls that we all have the typical
ready. So with a lot of smart feces, you know what a smart
guy is. A smart one is the one who tells you an absolute obviousness,
but he tells you with a tone, an authorization, a category that
seems to be discovering America, the bastard. We all have a brother-
in- law who' s smart, a father- in- law who
' s a liko. They' re usually in your political family. There
you go. It comes from the Costa Concordia and tells you about If I
saw myself in a similar situation like that of the Costa Concordia, my first
reaction, the natural one, would be to help others to a risk of
my own integrity, because I do not. Not me. I fly 200
times a year and 200 times without exception. I sit at the emergency door
and the 200 times without exception comes there to the assistant with that roll of
Hello. Good afternoon, because everyone is spoken to normally except the one at
the emergency door who talks to him like he' s an asshole. Not
me. I' ve been told hello you' re coming with your parents.
Well, the point is, it adds good afternoon. You' re
at the emergency door. In case of an accident. Here are the instructions
on how to open it and remember to leave the cabin and help the rest
of the passage leave the ship. Two hundred times a year I look that
professional in the eye and in all the cold blood. I' m telling
you, of course, in case of an accident. In case of an
accident, I will. When inside I' m thinking and shit like this
falls off. I' ll go out first and pick you up who'
s going out I' ll never close the door again. Look what I
' m saying to you, you have, well, I' m saying
it publicly. If I' m on the Concordia coast, okay I'
m going on the first boat, on the first boat that goes to port,
okay I' m going on Captain Bots'. I kill people.
Oh, but when I say I kill people, I say I kill literal
people. I mean, I' m going to the kitchen. I pick
up a knife, I pull out hearts, fourth laugh at the last scene
of any Tarantino movie. He rides a fucking pickle. I kill people,
but I get out first. My wife will see what I do. Everything
has to be said because I don' t want to, I don'
t want to die. Call me your eccentric and above all. I don
' t want to live in a country where there are forty or fifty million
censors. I' m also not interested in one where today Tuesday and thirteen,
because they couldn' t work, in which the humorists are being permanently
cut off. And above all, I refuse, as a professional and as
a person, to be part of a system in which people like Javier Vázquez
25 hours a week ago live and people as a good source are at home.
I' ll pass. Thank you.