WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.720 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app ki AM six forty Doctor 3 00:00:09.759 --> 00:00:14.279 Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Oh my 4 00:00:14.519 --> 00:00:17.640 goodness, Barbie, Barbie, Barbee, Barbe, Barbee, Barbee Barbie. 5 00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:24.120 We got to talk about that. And also you're on You're on the maroo 6 00:00:24.199 --> 00:00:27.679 roo. If you know what I just said, you better listen up. 7 00:00:27.679 --> 00:00:30.879 So I've got a story for you. Hey, what about is it okay 8 00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:34.679 to take separate vacations? What does the data say on that? Also, 9 00:00:34.719 --> 00:00:38.520 if you're in a relationship rutt, I've got some advice for you. And 10 00:00:38.600 --> 00:00:44.359 if you're a father of daughters, more daughters the better. You are one 11 00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:49.920 lucky person. And I'll explain why there are some health benefits if you're new 12 00:00:49.960 --> 00:00:52.960 to my show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology 13 00:00:53.000 --> 00:00:56.920 professor, not a therapist, a professor at California State University, Channel Islands. 14 00:00:56.920 --> 00:01:00.399 I can't believe we've got like four more weeks we're back into class, 15 00:01:00.439 --> 00:01:03.159 maybe only three and a half. WHOA that summer has just been going by 16 00:01:03.240 --> 00:01:07.040 quickly. But I'm obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books 17 00:01:07.079 --> 00:01:11.719 on relationships, a dissertation on attachment theory, and I just care about you 18 00:01:11.079 --> 00:01:15.599 and you'll love life producer Kayla, how are you? I am wonderful, 19 00:01:15.680 --> 00:01:18.840 Doctor Wendy's lovely seeing your beautiful face. Thank you. Did you see the 20 00:01:18.840 --> 00:01:23.959 Barbie movie? Yeah, my friends wore blonde wigs at pitting dresses. I 21 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:26.920 mean, but Barbie doesn't have to be blonde. If you looked at the 22 00:01:26.920 --> 00:01:30.200 Barbie movie, there was every body type. There was every hair collar, 23 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:34.159 every skin collar, all the Barbies, Barbies, Barbies, Barbies. For 24 00:01:34.200 --> 00:01:38.480 those of you who have been living under a rock and did not know that, 25 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:40.959 I'm pretty sure you'll have to google it for I'm good. I think 26 00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:46.439 it's number one this weekend, The Barbie Movie with Margot Robbie. It is 27 00:01:47.239 --> 00:01:53.000 something. I hope the costume person and the set designer win Academy Awards for 28 00:01:53.000 --> 00:01:59.239 this because that was astounding. The costumes were amazing. It is If you 29 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:01.840 are a man, I highly encourage you to see the Barbie Movie. There 30 00:02:01.840 --> 00:02:05.359 were lots of dudes there. You're not gonna be like only three in the 31 00:02:05.359 --> 00:02:08.719 theater. I was happy to see so many dads bringing their daughters. Also, 32 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:14.159 the boys from Boystown love because you know, there's all these innuendos that 33 00:02:14.199 --> 00:02:16.240 the kids are gay. Their job is to beach. Oh yeah, you 34 00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:20.319 didn't get that. They're gonna have They're gonna beach each other off. Oh 35 00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:23.439 I got that. Oh yeah, yeah, I got that. That was 36 00:02:23.479 --> 00:02:24.599 a fight. They're gonna fight each other, That's what I'm talking about. 37 00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:28.039 But it's a beach is what they use. So they say, I'm gonna 38 00:02:28.039 --> 00:02:36.439 beat you off anyway. Uh. It is such a ride, and it 39 00:02:36.599 --> 00:02:40.960 is such a treatise on a patriarchy. And you know, like you know, 40 00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:46.159 when you go to a movie and the movie, the actors whatever, 41 00:02:46.199 --> 00:02:50.199 you kind of get into character and you kind of get the feelings in the 42 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:52.199 mood, and when you come out of the movie, it feels like a 43 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:54.360 little bit you're still in the movie. There's those few minutes while you're adjusting. 44 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:58.280 And if you've been in a horror movie, you're walking down the hall 45 00:02:58.360 --> 00:03:00.000 thinking, you know, which grim reaper's going come around the corner, or 46 00:03:00.000 --> 00:03:04.039 which person is the serial killer? Even you know, the Barbie movie an 47 00:03:04.039 --> 00:03:07.879 interesting thing happened in the hallway in the movie theater and the ladies room and 48 00:03:07.919 --> 00:03:12.719 everywhere else. All the women caught each other's eyes and smiled. There was 49 00:03:12.759 --> 00:03:16.960 this warm sisterhood happening. Afterwards, stranger women stopped me in the mall going 50 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:20.520 did you see it yet? And I'm like, yeah, I just did. 51 00:03:20.680 --> 00:03:23.840 Oh it was amazing, like it created this kind of sisterhood. And 52 00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:28.439 then at one point I was putting my trash in the trash can outside theater 53 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:30.879 and it was so overflowing that people were putting the trash around on the outside, 54 00:03:30.879 --> 00:03:32.639 and I just said to my daughter, it's okay, they'll send a 55 00:03:32.680 --> 00:03:36.879 can to clean it up. Because there's a lot of role reversal in the 56 00:03:36.960 --> 00:03:40.280 movie, and I highly suggest everyone see it all right. Do you know 57 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:45.360 why I said you're una? Do you know what you're Una means? It 58 00:03:45.400 --> 00:03:52.280 means hello, intohitian and marrou means thank you. I just got back from 59 00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:57.080 my very first vacation with my boyfriend. Now it's not that we haven't traveled 60 00:03:57.120 --> 00:04:00.639 together in the years we've been together, but it's to visit family or to 61 00:04:00.759 --> 00:04:04.280 visit real estate projects and work, and so it was really nice to have 62 00:04:04.319 --> 00:04:10.240 a full on vacation and we went to the Tahitian Islands and we went specifically 63 00:04:10.439 --> 00:04:16.560 for a wedding. It was a couple in their fifties and he is Tahitian, 64 00:04:16.639 --> 00:04:21.279 she is American from New Orleans, and they got married on the beach 65 00:04:21.399 --> 00:04:28.439 with his eldest daughter marrying them, and it was just beautiful, just everything 66 00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:31.360 you see. And Okay, I just want to tell everybody forget Hawaii. 67 00:04:31.480 --> 00:04:35.199 Don't just stay on the plane two more hours and get to Tahiti. Thousand 68 00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:40.800 times better, much more cultural, much more nature, much more friendly people, 69 00:04:41.399 --> 00:04:45.399 cheaper once you're there. I'm not joking like now. Of course, 70 00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:47.399 if you're going to stay in a big American hotel and one of those huts 71 00:04:47.399 --> 00:04:51.360 out over the water on Bora Bora where they're just reeling you in to spend 72 00:04:51.399 --> 00:04:54.959 all that money, you can do that, all right. But I found 73 00:04:54.959 --> 00:04:59.759 a lovely passion with a private cottage brand new around a pool, run by 74 00:05:00.000 --> 00:05:02.240 a French woman who used to have a French restaurant. So she brought us 75 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:05.600 breakfast every morning and did her every night. Anyway, I'm just saying. 76 00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:11.600 The only thing is they're wild dogs. Now you should know these wild dogs 77 00:05:11.639 --> 00:05:15.000 are just the breed is pit bull, so when you see one when you're 78 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:17.319 out hiking, you're like, I'm about to be attacked by a pit bull. 79 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:20.360 But they just look sad and lonely. They don't do anything. My 80 00:05:20.399 --> 00:05:24.279 boyfriend was like, just hold a stone just in case, but they just 81 00:05:24.319 --> 00:05:28.079 looked at us like we saw dogs eating coconuts. I didn't know dogs were 82 00:05:28.160 --> 00:05:30.439 vegetarian, but I guess they're that hungry. They'll open up a coconut and 83 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:33.319 eat it. And lots of chickens. In fact, I am going to 84 00:05:33.519 --> 00:05:38.360 have to go and see Mowana again. Now I understand why the chicken was 85 00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:41.879 on the boat. And there're probably lots of more Polynesian references that I'll get 86 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:46.639 now. And the snorkeling you're never gonna get better in the world. I 87 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:48.199 mean, it was literally I was in finding Nemo. I was swimming with 88 00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:54.199 sea turtles and clownfish and anemones. It was beautiful all right, which made 89 00:05:54.120 --> 00:05:57.839 me think about vacations. So we were wall to wall in each other's company, 90 00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:01.360 my love and eye for seven day straight and going to do something romantic, 91 00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:04.959 which is at tent a wedding. No less, we never got on 92 00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:10.680 each other's nerves once, we in fact probably got closer because of it. 93 00:06:11.079 --> 00:06:15.079 So it made me ask the question, can taking a vacation together be the 94 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:19.160 good thing that's going to reboot your relationship? Of course, when I started 95 00:06:19.160 --> 00:06:23.480 pulling up on the research on it, the research was all financed by the 96 00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:27.240 US Travel Association, and blah blah blah. You know, they say things 97 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:32.319 like all this alone time improves your line of communication, that couples who travel 98 00:06:32.439 --> 00:06:39.600 together actually last longer, divorce rates are higher for couples who do not travel 99 00:06:39.639 --> 00:06:43.800 together. But I want to pause and say, you know what, which 100 00:06:43.839 --> 00:06:46.120 came first, the chicken or the egg? In other words, do happy 101 00:06:46.199 --> 00:06:51.399 couples travel or are they more likely to travel together? Probably if you're going. 102 00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:55.720 If you're a grumpy couple and you go on a vacation together, guess 103 00:06:55.720 --> 00:06:59.399 what. You become a grumpy couple on the beach. That's what you become. 104 00:06:59.720 --> 00:07:03.399 So I don't think it's the vacation necessarily, although it really is great 105 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:06.920 to get rid of. I loved not having Wi Fi. There were many 106 00:07:06.959 --> 00:07:11.759 days where there was no internet connection. We didn't have to answer emails. 107 00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:16.360 I loved listening to nature, listening to music, listening to him talk about 108 00:07:16.399 --> 00:07:23.920 all kinds of stuff. Now this idea. I have two examples from my 109 00:07:23.959 --> 00:07:30.480 life of people who say that separate vacations can sometimes be helpful. One person 110 00:07:30.519 --> 00:07:34.360 I know was divorcing and they decided to send to take separate vacations as a 111 00:07:34.360 --> 00:07:38.920 trial to see how it felt. Well, guess what. It did not 112 00:07:39.000 --> 00:07:42.279 feel good to them, and they got back together. Right. So, 113 00:07:42.360 --> 00:07:45.600 in their case, taking a separate vacation to try or see what it feels 114 00:07:45.600 --> 00:07:48.560 like to be a single person out there, it backfired. They weren't just 115 00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:54.120 testing the waters for being single. They actually missed each other so much they 116 00:07:54.120 --> 00:07:58.399 got back together. Then, when we were snorkeling, we met this woman 117 00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:01.000 and I thought she was single, and she said she decided to give herself 118 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:03.639 this trip for her fiftieth birthday. I was like, oh, it's so 119 00:08:03.680 --> 00:08:07.600 wonderful. And she was from France. Everyone was from France there. I 120 00:08:07.680 --> 00:08:13.839 only saw two other Americans the whole time. And then at some point I 121 00:08:13.879 --> 00:08:18.279 asked her does she have children and she said, yes, a four year 122 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:22.480 old. I know, Kayla, I saw your face. Four weeks she 123 00:08:22.600 --> 00:08:26.240 gave herself a vacation away from her four year old and she was fifty. 124 00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:28.120 Yeah, well so she had at forty six is possible. But the point 125 00:08:28.279 --> 00:08:31.799 is, you know, children have their young children. Their perception of time 126 00:08:31.840 --> 00:08:35.039 is very different than our perception of time. So four weeks to a four 127 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:39.960 year old would feel like six months. And which her rationalization we all have 128 00:08:41.000 --> 00:08:43.960 to rationalize our decisions, was oh, well, you know, to spend 129 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:46.200 all that money and she wouldn't really remember it. Well, here's what small 130 00:08:46.279 --> 00:08:50.519 children remember. They might not remember the narrative of their life. We did 131 00:08:50.559 --> 00:08:54.600 this on this date. I remember that, but they remember the feelings, 132 00:08:56.039 --> 00:09:01.480 and the feelings get stored in the bones for a long time. So I 133 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:03.840 gently said, you know, your doctor is going to be mad at you. 134 00:09:03.919 --> 00:09:07.600 Might take a little while. Of course, k I told her she 135 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.879 didn't know she was talking to doctor Wendy. You didn't know who she was 136 00:09:09.919 --> 00:09:11.919 talking to. I just said, oh, I teach developmental psychology. That's 137 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:16.440 a long time for a small child. So just understand it's going to take 138 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:20.120 a little while to rebuild that relationship, which you can all right, speaking 139 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:24.600 of you and your relationship, if you're listening and you've been in a relationship 140 00:09:24.600 --> 00:09:28.320 for a while, are you getting bored. Lots of people get bored as 141 00:09:28.399 --> 00:09:37.240 relationships evolve, something called habituation sets in. When we come back, I'm 142 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:41.440 going to tell you how to add excitement, novelty, interest, and just 143 00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:45.320 basically get out of your relationship rut, because there are all kinds of things 144 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:48.320 you can do besides taking a vacation to Tihiti, which obviously not everyone can 145 00:09:48.320 --> 00:09:52.159 do that. Let me explain that when we come back, you are listening 146 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:56.799 to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 147 00:09:56.879 --> 00:10:03.519 on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf 148 00:10:03.559 --> 00:10:09.399 I AM six forty. We can Learn to Love Again k I AM six 149 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:15.120 forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. Look, relationships are tough, 150 00:10:15.799 --> 00:10:20.639 and I can sit here and explain to you what happens biologically with the 151 00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:24.799 neurochemistry in your brain. You'll be bored, but I'll do it anyway. 152 00:10:24.840 --> 00:10:28.080 So here's what happens when you first meet somebody. Mother nature is perfect. 153 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:35.799 She's designed a neuro cocktail of delicious hormones for you to feel the feelings of 154 00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:45.120 attraction and lust and love. Dopamine, serotonin Europe, and nephron oxytocin. 155 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:48.759 Yummy, yummy, yummy. And after a while, like any other drug 156 00:10:48.799 --> 00:10:52.399 you take, whether it's nicotine or alcohol or caffeine, you know, you 157 00:10:52.519 --> 00:10:56.360 kind of get used to it and you need more and more for it to 158 00:10:56.360 --> 00:10:58.200 feel better. And then the problem is, at the beginning, it's great. 159 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:01.720 You just see that person you're in love with more and more and more, 160 00:11:01.799 --> 00:11:03.240 you can't get enough of them. And then after a while, your 161 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:09.120 brain gets totally used to seeing them. Also, you are seeing them all 162 00:11:09.159 --> 00:11:15.080 the time, and if you're living together and you're married, you're seeing them 163 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:18.600 without their clothes, You're seeing them in their worst clothes. You're seeing them 164 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:22.759 in the bathroom and the shower, and you're seeing them dirty and you're seeing 165 00:11:22.759 --> 00:11:28.039 them clean, and you're just seeing them all the time. Right, So 166 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:33.879 your brain starts to not have the excitement and the novelty that happens at the 167 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:39.919 beginning. And when we talk about the work of a relationship, hopefully the 168 00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:46.519 work shouldn't be I'm gonna have to endure this monogamy. I'm gonna have to 169 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:50.480 endure this bondom, this boredom. That is not the work. The work 170 00:11:50.559 --> 00:11:56.799 is saying to yourself, what can I do to make this relationship hot again? 171 00:11:58.279 --> 00:12:03.639 What can I do feel good in this relationship? Well, let's talk 172 00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:09.080 about the science. There have been a number of studies. A group that 173 00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:13.519 I read about today is published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that 174 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:22.039 talks about how if couples can remember you have to work your brain remember to 175 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:26.200 appreciate each other. So literally, it's you see, life is a self 176 00:12:26.200 --> 00:12:31.320 fulfilling prophecy. Your relationship is whatever you believe it is. And trust me, 177 00:12:31.559 --> 00:12:35.200 I've looked at some other people's relationships from the outside. I'm like, 178 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.039 currently, they're not that great. Why are they so in love with that 179 00:12:37.120 --> 00:12:41.559 person? But you know what, to them, it's perfect because they're in 180 00:12:43.120 --> 00:12:48.480 that wonderful luster because their brain has mustered it. So here's what we find 181 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:54.159 is that if somebody offers appreciation and gratitude to a partner, it becomes reciprocal. 182 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:58.480 Then the other person automatically starts to appreciate you. So when you've been 183 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:03.279 together long time, the reflex often is to think, well, they know 184 00:13:03.360 --> 00:13:07.000 I love them. I told them the day we got married. They see 185 00:13:07.039 --> 00:13:11.240 I'm here or I'm paying the bills, or I'm cleaning the house or I'm 186 00:13:11.240 --> 00:13:13.600 doing whatever. They can see like, why do I have to tell them? 187 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:16.320 Why do I have to write? And so? Instead, when your 188 00:13:16.360 --> 00:13:20.399 partner does get your attention, it's when you notice them doing something you don't 189 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:24.639 like, and then you start to criticize a little bit. Right, So, 190 00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:33.159 research has also shown that people who are more appreciative of their partners show 191 00:13:33.279 --> 00:13:37.399 higher levels of resp responsiveness to their partner's needs. So, believe it or 192 00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:41.279 not, if you can just catch your partner being good, If you can 193 00:13:41.320 --> 00:13:46.159 catch your partner every single day doing something small doesn't have to be huge, 194 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:50.000 and thank them for it and tell them why, they're going to reciprocate. 195 00:13:50.120 --> 00:13:54.120 They're going to be more responsive to you, because we all want to give 196 00:13:54.159 --> 00:13:58.159 attention to somebody who gives us good attention. There's also research to show that 197 00:13:58.240 --> 00:14:03.000 couples who show appreciation for each other have greater levels of commitment. Now, 198 00:14:03.720 --> 00:14:07.159 gratitude is important, but not just saying thank you, tell them why, 199 00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:11.480 and so saying hey, dude, thanks for doing the dishes tonight. Appreciate 200 00:14:11.519 --> 00:14:15.360 it. How about something like, hey, I really appreciate it that you 201 00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:20.000 did the dishes because it gave me that extra time so I could really focus 202 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:22.399 on my work without distractions. And that really means the world to me that 203 00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:28.759 you were so thoughtful. Whole different world right. Also, you can add 204 00:14:28.799 --> 00:14:33.159 novelty by doing something unexpected in your relationship. It doesn't have to be some 205 00:14:33.320 --> 00:14:39.639 huge, major thing. It can be something small, something that's a surprise. 206 00:14:39.360 --> 00:14:43.960 Do it for your partner. And you know, I mentioned in the 207 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:48.279 last segment that you know, we just had this wonderful positive bump in our 208 00:14:48.279 --> 00:14:50.879 relationship because we took a little vacation together. Not everyone can take a vacation 209 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:54.519 because of financial reasons, or childcare, or working reasons, or all kinds 210 00:14:54.519 --> 00:14:58.759 of reasons. I want to give you a few tips of how you can 211 00:14:58.759 --> 00:15:03.519 schedule novelty in your relationship. In this town, I do it all the 212 00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:09.120 time. Travel all the way to Korea Town. Get some authentic barbecue. 213 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:13.320 My favorite Korean barbecue restaurant in Koreatown is called Quarters. If you haven't been, 214 00:15:13.360 --> 00:15:16.720 you should check it out. Or don't want to fly to London, 215 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:20.200 get a taste of London. Head down to Long Beach and have a high 216 00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:24.000 tea at the Queen Mary. Hey, that's not just for tourists, you 217 00:15:24.039 --> 00:15:28.440 should do it too. You know, you can experience the Old West. 218 00:15:28.519 --> 00:15:31.720 You know, the oldest town around here is called Cornell and a few old 219 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:35.840 buildings still exist. One of the restaurants that I like to go to there 220 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:39.039 is called the Old Place, and you can sip wine and do wine tastings 221 00:15:39.039 --> 00:15:43.320 there. That's in Agora Hills. Get out on the Pacific one of my 222 00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:46.960 favorite things to do when guests come to town. But you might want to 223 00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:50.200 do it just because you need the novelty is ran some jet skis in Marina 224 00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:52.360 del Rey and see our whole coast. It's a whole different perspective from out 225 00:15:52.360 --> 00:15:56.720 there. Hey, go to Mexico. No, you don't have to go 226 00:15:56.879 --> 00:16:00.720 actually down to Mexico. Just go to Alvara Street if you haven't been. 227 00:16:00.879 --> 00:16:06.039 It's a small pedestrian street that's the original at the original Pueblo of Los Angeles. 228 00:16:06.039 --> 00:16:08.000 It was founded in seventeen eighty one, and it's founded. I mean, 229 00:16:08.039 --> 00:16:12.320 it's lined with eateries and shops and it feels like you're in old Mexico. 230 00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:17.759 And I know it's expensive to go to Tahiti, although I'm so mad 231 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:21.320 it was expensive for us and then we saw the airfares went way down after 232 00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:23.679 we already bought ours. Hate that airfares going down again. I'm so happy. 233 00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:30.240 Anyway, you can experience the taste of Tahiti by going online to Mount 234 00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:34.519 polmar Winery in Temecula. They're doing a Tahitian festival in the fall with Tahitian 235 00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:37.639 dance, music, arts, and crass. It's free, free, free, 236 00:16:37.679 --> 00:16:40.639 free, free food, games, silent auction, and you can win 237 00:16:40.679 --> 00:16:45.279 a trip to Tahiti. So there you go. Add novelty to your relationship. 238 00:16:45.440 --> 00:16:49.159 All right. I mentioned that gratitude is very important in your relationship to 239 00:16:49.240 --> 00:16:56.080 keep it healthy. But according to two psychologists, there's one simple little trick. 240 00:16:56.120 --> 00:16:59.080 Okay, it's not so simple. I'm gonna tell you all the steps 241 00:16:59.080 --> 00:17:02.639 of how to do. It can literally save any relationship, whether it's a 242 00:17:02.639 --> 00:17:07.440 workplace relationship, apparent child relationship, a love relationship. But once you learn 243 00:17:07.480 --> 00:17:11.240 the technique, it can save it. And I'll explain when we come back. 244 00:17:11.559 --> 00:17:15.519 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I Am six 245 00:17:15.640 --> 00:17:19.559 forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy 246 00:17:19.559 --> 00:17:26.920 Walsh on demand from KF. I am sixty six forty. You have doctor 247 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:32.119 Wendy Walsh with you. I have said this over and over and over, 248 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:36.759 and I'm going to say it again because it might be a new sentence for 249 00:17:36.799 --> 00:17:44.759 you to hear. Relationships are far more about skill than luck. There is 250 00:17:44.759 --> 00:17:49.640 this myth circling around our culture that if we could just meet the right person. 251 00:17:51.559 --> 00:17:55.960 Well, let me tell you this that once you figure out how to 252 00:17:56.039 --> 00:18:00.079 have a healthy relationship, there will be many, many right people for you 253 00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:06.039 because you'll be able to engage with them in a healthy way. I can 254 00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:08.240 honestly say, Okay, I hope my boyfriend Julie is not listening right now, 255 00:18:08.279 --> 00:18:14.640 but okay, he is perfect and he's special on all that. But 256 00:18:14.759 --> 00:18:18.119 I met him at a time in my life where I had done the work. 257 00:18:18.640 --> 00:18:22.200 And once I'd done the work, as he likes to jokingly say, 258 00:18:22.200 --> 00:18:26.319 because here's the story, at the very beginning of the pandemic, when my 259 00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:33.920 kids came home and then we were all quarantined, and basically they would after 260 00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:37.720 dinner just go watch movies that I wasn't interested in, and I'd be sitting 261 00:18:37.720 --> 00:18:41.240 alone in my room pouring myself a glass of wine going. You know, 262 00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:44.000 I'll just swipe through these apps and see what's going on. Well, here's 263 00:18:44.000 --> 00:18:47.559 what I didn't know. So the way the app Bumble works, for instance, 264 00:18:47.799 --> 00:18:49.640 is that it keeps a match alive for twenty four hours, and if 265 00:18:49.640 --> 00:18:53.079 the woman doesn't talk to the dude, I always thought it disappeared. But 266 00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:56.079 one time I opened the app and I saw these kind of great out guy's 267 00:18:56.160 --> 00:18:59.799 faces at the top, and I was like, oh, well, I 268 00:19:00.039 --> 00:19:02.160 guess if I liked him once, i'll like him again. Let me click 269 00:19:02.160 --> 00:19:06.119 on that first one there. To this day, Julio goes it was so 270 00:19:06.240 --> 00:19:10.119 random. I wasn't special at all. You just clicked on a gray face 271 00:19:10.200 --> 00:19:14.640 to see what does that mean? Right? I sitting at the apps are 272 00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:18.160 just a little first step billboard advertising. It's a pamphlet, that's all. 273 00:19:18.200 --> 00:19:23.839 It is, your basic first pamphlet anyway. But what was different is that 274 00:19:23.920 --> 00:19:26.720 I had the relationship skills. I knew to get on the phone right away 275 00:19:26.720 --> 00:19:30.519 and not to sit there in long time texting. I knew that when we 276 00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:33.119 met in the real world, because it was during COVID, that we had 277 00:19:33.160 --> 00:19:36.519 to wear masks, we had to meet outdoors, there had to be wind. 278 00:19:36.559 --> 00:19:41.000 I was very very protective and very careful, and any guy who wouldn't 279 00:19:41.160 --> 00:19:42.240 cooperate with that, well, that was a boundary for me. I was 280 00:19:42.279 --> 00:19:47.799 like, Okay, there's a red flag not going there. So I had 281 00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:53.079 done the work and thank goodness, a perfect person fell into my lap. 282 00:19:53.319 --> 00:19:56.279 But and he's not listening. I'm sure he's not listening. There could have 283 00:19:56.319 --> 00:20:00.799 been many perfect people. Yes, it was a random thing. So I 284 00:20:00.839 --> 00:20:04.480 was reading this article today written by two of my favorite people, doctor Pepper 285 00:20:04.519 --> 00:20:08.759 Schwartz, who's a psychologist. I've actually been on a couple of TV shows 286 00:20:08.759 --> 00:20:14.079 with her in the past. She's great, and sexologist doctor Jessica Griffin. 287 00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:22.480 Combined. These two professional also spent fifty years doing research and studying successful relationships, 288 00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:26.319 and so they wrote an article saying that there's only one thing you need 289 00:20:26.359 --> 00:20:27.720 to learn, and if you can learn how to do it, it can 290 00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:33.319 save any relationship, whether it's a colleague that you're having problems with, whether 291 00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:37.200 it's a kid and you're a parent, or you're a kid with a parent, 292 00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:40.920 whatever, and you want to want to raise your parent better, if 293 00:20:41.000 --> 00:20:48.319 you're in a love relationship, And here's what the strategy is. It's simply 294 00:20:48.400 --> 00:20:55.759 called reflective listening. Producer Kay Lutina. What reflective listening is listening to understand 295 00:20:55.839 --> 00:21:00.119 as opposed to listening to respond. That's a very good way to say, 296 00:21:00.200 --> 00:21:03.200 yeah, listening to understand. So are there. I've come up with a 297 00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:08.880 little list of best practices with the work of doctor Pepper Schwartz and doctor Jessica 298 00:21:08.920 --> 00:21:12.200 Griffin. So if you're going to learn, and everything's a skill, you 299 00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:15.480 got to practice it over and over. You won't get it right right away. 300 00:21:15.839 --> 00:21:18.720 The first step is eye contact. If you're trying to have a conversation 301 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.519 about anything tender with somebody, you can't be distracted looking at your phone, 302 00:21:22.599 --> 00:21:26.480 the computer, the TV, the road, whatever. You need to sit 303 00:21:26.519 --> 00:21:29.559 down at a quiet place and actually look someone in the eye. Now, 304 00:21:29.799 --> 00:21:32.960 one technique is to have a talking stick. I remember one time years ago, 305 00:21:33.440 --> 00:21:37.519 just as a friend I did this with a friend was having trouble with 306 00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:40.000 her daughter. Her daughter was in her early twenties. And you know, 307 00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:42.000 mom, hating is a stage, ladies, Okay, so if your daughters 308 00:21:42.000 --> 00:21:44.799 hate you, it's a sort of a weird thing that goes for a bit 309 00:21:44.880 --> 00:21:45.839 and then they come back around. But anyway, I said, well, 310 00:21:45.839 --> 00:21:48.640 why don't we do the talking stick together. I'll sort of be the referee. 311 00:21:48.839 --> 00:21:53.079 And so we literally use a hairbrush because we're barbies, and she, 312 00:21:53.759 --> 00:21:56.920 the daughter, would hold the hairbrush, and whenever she was holding the hairbrush 313 00:21:57.039 --> 00:22:02.240 only she was allowed to talk. Now, the other one had to listen 314 00:22:02.400 --> 00:22:04.640 as long as the person was holding So that's the important part is that you 315 00:22:04.839 --> 00:22:11.480 don't interrupt. Also, it's really important to simply say words like help me 316 00:22:11.759 --> 00:22:18.519 understand, help me understand. You know, if you do reflective listening correctly, 317 00:22:19.559 --> 00:22:26.480 it helps the other person feel seen, heard and understood. And often 318 00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:32.160 that's enough, Like people don't even need to have the problem solved if they 319 00:22:32.240 --> 00:22:37.440 know that their grievance is being respected and that they they're being heard. But 320 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:42.400 what happens more often is that when someone brings up something tender, the other 321 00:22:42.440 --> 00:22:48.559 person gets defensive and they start to rationalize and get defensive and talk about why 322 00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:51.839 a, well you made me do that? Well yeah, and then you 323 00:22:51.839 --> 00:22:56.440 get into this war or the words instead of help me understand what you're feeling. 324 00:22:56.000 --> 00:23:00.440 That's it, right, no blaming now here. The other thing, 325 00:23:00.480 --> 00:23:03.720 when the person has a talking stick or it's their turn to talk, you 326 00:23:03.799 --> 00:23:08.559 have to focus when they're talking, really focus, try hard not to distract 327 00:23:08.559 --> 00:23:14.799 yourself. And then the things that the call centers do so darn well these 328 00:23:14.880 --> 00:23:18.079 days. You pair a phrase what you think you heard, and you say 329 00:23:18.119 --> 00:23:22.680 it back to them, and it sounds something on glyphs. So it sounds 330 00:23:22.759 --> 00:23:27.839 like when I did blah blah blah, you felt blah blah blah, and 331 00:23:27.880 --> 00:23:33.640 then in fact check, did I get that right? That's what they do 332 00:23:33.680 --> 00:23:34.720 on the call center. You call and you say, hey, I paid 333 00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:38.799 for that plane ticket and now the plane's delayed and there's a cheaper flight and 334 00:23:38.839 --> 00:23:42.079 I want to cash this in. And then they go, so what I'm 335 00:23:42.119 --> 00:23:45.000 hearing is that you purchase a ticket from US last week and now the price 336 00:23:45.079 --> 00:23:48.839 has gone down and you'd like a refund. Is that correct? Right? 337 00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:52.240 I love it how they do that reflect They must teach them at all the 338 00:23:52.279 --> 00:23:55.960 call centers. If only we could do this in our personal relationships. And 339 00:23:56.039 --> 00:23:57.960 also here's a big one. Try to guess what they're thinking. Be a 340 00:23:59.000 --> 00:24:02.480 feeling detective. Scribe what you think they're feeling it sounds like you felt, 341 00:24:02.799 --> 00:24:07.759 and say a word for a feeling scared, embarrassed, angry, sad, 342 00:24:07.000 --> 00:24:11.279 whatever come up with a word, and then they get to say yes or 343 00:24:11.319 --> 00:24:15.680 no, that's what I felt. And then here's the big one apologize. 344 00:24:15.480 --> 00:24:19.480 You know, I'm sorry are some of the most important words you can ever 345 00:24:19.480 --> 00:24:23.039 say in a relationship, and how you say them is very important. Not 346 00:24:23.079 --> 00:24:26.839 like, well, i'm sorry, Okay, it doesn't sound like somebody's very 347 00:24:26.839 --> 00:24:30.680 sorry when they say that. Well, when they say, oh, I 348 00:24:30.680 --> 00:24:34.359 didn't know you felt that way, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that happened to 349 00:24:34.359 --> 00:24:41.920 you, That is so powerful. Also, thank them for sharing. Yes, 350 00:24:41.960 --> 00:24:45.440 thanks for bringing this up, Thanks for telling me about this. It's 351 00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:51.920 very helpful to me. Then the two of you can find a solution together, 352 00:24:52.279 --> 00:24:55.200 okay, instead of you just in there saying, well, you should 353 00:24:55.240 --> 00:24:56.680 do this and you should do that, which I should tell you. Some 354 00:24:56.720 --> 00:25:02.480 of the biggest no nos in reflective listening are well, obviously interrupting, let 355 00:25:02.519 --> 00:25:07.279 the person get their spiel out, no matter how long it takes. Also 356 00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:10.519 giving advice. Well, here's the thing I think you should do, because 357 00:25:10.519 --> 00:25:12.880 this is not a strategy session. Okay, this is somebody telling you what 358 00:25:12.920 --> 00:25:18.079 they're feeling and experiencing. So don't go in there giving advice and trying to 359 00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:22.279 solve the problem for them. And also, please watch your body language. 360 00:25:22.480 --> 00:25:26.519 You're sitting there listening intently, are your eyes rolling, are you arms crossed 361 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:30.119 across your chest in a very defensive position? Be calm, be open, 362 00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:36.039 try as hard as you can not to put your brain in defense mode. 363 00:25:36.519 --> 00:25:40.119 I know, with my boyfriend, I find myself saying things like he gets 364 00:25:40.119 --> 00:25:41.960 on rants sometimes, and people do. They're just their way, everyone's got 365 00:25:42.000 --> 00:25:47.240 their style. And I'll just say, I'm finding that when you're repeating yourself 366 00:25:47.319 --> 00:25:52.319 over and over that I'm feeling criticized. That's all I say. I'm feeling 367 00:25:52.359 --> 00:25:55.759 not you know, stop ranting. Are you doing this? I say, 368 00:25:55.799 --> 00:25:57.880 I find that when I hear you saying the same things over and over, 369 00:26:00.440 --> 00:26:03.960 you know, feel like I'm being criticized here. And then he'll be like, 370 00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:06.400 no, no, I didn't mean it that way. Whatever. Okay, 371 00:26:06.920 --> 00:26:10.279 here's one of the things I've learned from my online life and all of 372 00:26:10.319 --> 00:26:14.279 you wonderful people who write to me, and from what I saw today in 373 00:26:14.319 --> 00:26:19.880 the Barbie movie. Way too many women feel insecure. They feel insecure in 374 00:26:19.880 --> 00:26:22.759 their relationships, not their fault. Okay, patriarchy has done that to us. 375 00:26:22.759 --> 00:26:26.880 We're supposed to be thin. We're supposed to be successful, but not 376 00:26:26.920 --> 00:26:29.599 too successful. We don't want other people to feel bad, etc. There's 377 00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:33.799 a wonderful what's her name America for Era, that actress. I love her. 378 00:26:33.960 --> 00:26:37.519 She gives that long soliloquy in the Barbie movie about this impossible position that 379 00:26:37.559 --> 00:26:42.160 we put women in. However, I want you to know that there are 380 00:26:42.240 --> 00:26:48.200 certain things that secure women do, so we need a model, right, 381 00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:53.200 what's a model or a relationship. There are certain things that secure women never 382 00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:59.039 ever do in relationships, and I'll explain what they are when we come back. 383 00:26:59.400 --> 00:27:02.920 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. 384 00:27:02.920 --> 00:27:07.039 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 385 00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:11.759 on demand from KFI AM six forty km HI Am six forty. You have 386 00:27:11.799 --> 00:27:15.880 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd 387 00:27:15.880 --> 00:27:19.079 like to welcome my TikTok audience. If you'd like to come into the studio 388 00:27:19.119 --> 00:27:22.839 and see us here live, You're welcome to download the TikTok app or get 389 00:27:22.880 --> 00:27:26.000 onto TikTok. Come over to my account which is at doctor Wendy Walsh. 390 00:27:26.039 --> 00:27:32.000 That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. I do this because after this segment, I'm 391 00:27:32.000 --> 00:27:33.920 going to be taking your calls, so I'll give the phone number out now. 392 00:27:34.319 --> 00:27:38.440 Producer Kayla is going to open the lines at the end of this segment. 393 00:27:40.160 --> 00:27:45.519 The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight 394 00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:49.119 hundred five two zero one five three four. But first I want to talk 395 00:27:49.279 --> 00:27:55.359 about things that secure women do in relationships. Earlier, I mentioned that I'd 396 00:27:55.359 --> 00:28:00.519 seen the Barbie movie today and when the patriarchy took over, when Ken figured 397 00:28:00.519 --> 00:28:04.000 out that patriarchy could be a cool thing for Barbie Land. We watched as 398 00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:10.799 an audience all the Barbies in Barbie Land start to define themselves by their boyfriends. 399 00:28:10.839 --> 00:28:15.240 And the boyfriends were bro culture and they what was that funny line that 400 00:28:15.240 --> 00:28:19.599 they called it? Like long term, low commitment, part time relationship or 401 00:28:19.759 --> 00:28:25.480 whatever. So the girls were having a hard time getting a commitment. They 402 00:28:25.799 --> 00:28:27.960 the guys made them feel very insecure about themselves. Half of them were in 403 00:28:29.000 --> 00:28:32.480 French maids costumes. All of a sudden, they had been presidents and Supreme 404 00:28:32.519 --> 00:28:36.880 Court justices and the old Barbie Land and doctors and they'd won Nobel prizes, 405 00:28:36.920 --> 00:28:44.960 etc. So you know, I think that partly because we are right now 406 00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:49.079 experiencing an oversupply of successful women in our mating marketplaces, and women don't like 407 00:28:49.160 --> 00:28:52.160 to date down. What ends up happening is a whole bunch of women are 408 00:28:52.200 --> 00:28:59.720 competing for a small group of men who they feel are high status, high 409 00:28:59.799 --> 00:29:03.799 value whatever, And so they're feeling that competition and that's making them insecure. 410 00:29:03.039 --> 00:29:07.240 Other women are insecure just because of their early childhood trauma and the critical parenting 411 00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:11.480 and the critical coaches, and the rest of us are just insecure because patriarchy 412 00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:15.359 made us feel bad about ourselves, whatever it may be. So I want 413 00:29:15.359 --> 00:29:19.559 to talk about if we were to all be secure women in relationships, here 414 00:29:19.559 --> 00:29:25.640 are a few things we would never do. Okay, Number one, Secure 415 00:29:25.680 --> 00:29:32.440 women do not play mind games. They don't expect their male partners to be 416 00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:37.680 mind readers and then punish them when they are not good mind readers. Right, 417 00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:41.839 people of any gender should not expect your partner to know I have seen 418 00:29:41.880 --> 00:29:47.359 people and heard people say these words. He should just know, Well, 419 00:29:47.400 --> 00:29:52.759 you should just know. No, nobody's expected to just know. You need 420 00:29:52.839 --> 00:29:57.440 to tell them what you need now, I will tell you I wasn't always 421 00:29:57.480 --> 00:30:02.160 the secure woman that I am now. It is the gift of age and 422 00:30:02.240 --> 00:30:06.440 wisdom that has made me like myself so much. Did you love that scene 423 00:30:06.440 --> 00:30:08.359 in Barbie when Barbie sits down and she's in the real world now, and 424 00:30:08.359 --> 00:30:11.359 she sits at a bus stop and there's a really old lady. She's never 425 00:30:11.359 --> 00:30:15.480 seen an old old lady before, and she says, you're beautiful, and 426 00:30:15.559 --> 00:30:22.119 the old lady goes. I know it. So I was also insecure, 427 00:30:22.440 --> 00:30:27.359 especially when I was young, and I did this bad thing because I was 428 00:30:27.440 --> 00:30:33.240 insecure. And this is a thing that secure women do not do, which 429 00:30:33.319 --> 00:30:38.240 is deliberately make men feel jealous. Right. I used to leave, like 430 00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:41.160 you know, back in the day when guys would write their phone numbers on 431 00:30:41.240 --> 00:30:45.240 napkins and stuff, and I'd leave them like strategically in my car so the 432 00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:48.039 player that I was dating would see that it hires down his man I left 433 00:30:48.039 --> 00:30:52.279 his number or whatever. No, you don't need to do that. Although 434 00:30:52.319 --> 00:30:55.839 in the Barbie movie, the Barbies did make all the Ken's jealous so they 435 00:30:55.839 --> 00:30:57.920 would start fighting with each other. It's just a movie, folks. Okay, 436 00:30:59.079 --> 00:31:03.279 if you're insecure about your relationship. You don't need to affirm your value 437 00:31:03.720 --> 00:31:11.279 by having him feel jealous. Okay, in the same sense, and I've 438 00:31:11.279 --> 00:31:15.319 done this in the past too, you do not need to fish for compliments. 439 00:31:15.920 --> 00:31:18.759 You should know how fabulous you look, no matter what your body type, 440 00:31:19.119 --> 00:31:23.240 no matter what your hair, your skin color, anything. You should 441 00:31:23.279 --> 00:31:29.279 know that. Throughout the history of the human species, the whole reason why 442 00:31:29.359 --> 00:31:33.079 men work and make money is so that they can impress women. We're picking 443 00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:37.480 them, they're not picking us. Okay, So you don't need to fish 444 00:31:37.519 --> 00:31:41.359 for compliments. You should know you're hot. Don't depend on a man to 445 00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:45.359 affirm you. Secure women just don't need that. They'll say, oh, 446 00:31:45.440 --> 00:31:47.359 I look at in this. What do you think do I look at in 447 00:31:47.440 --> 00:31:49.880 that? No, Secure women just put on the clothes they like and they 448 00:31:49.880 --> 00:31:55.759 walk out and they know they look just great. Also, secure women are 449 00:31:55.799 --> 00:32:02.599 never a doormat when a man tries to just what they should wear. Right 450 00:32:02.720 --> 00:32:07.559 member. Last week, we were talking about actress Kiki Palmer and her partner 451 00:32:07.640 --> 00:32:10.559 saying that she should wear certain things because she's a mother, you know what, 452 00:32:10.599 --> 00:32:17.400 she can wear whatever she wants. Because what if we wear something and 453 00:32:17.720 --> 00:32:22.480 he's worried that we go out in public. That he's being judged. That's 454 00:32:22.720 --> 00:32:25.680 his insecurity. He's being judged by what we're wearing. You know what, 455 00:32:27.240 --> 00:32:34.000 you can wear whatever you want. Secure women never ever do this, drop 456 00:32:34.039 --> 00:32:36.559 everything in their life for a man. Oh, come on, we know 457 00:32:36.680 --> 00:32:38.720 them. We know those women. They get a boyfriend and they just disappear 458 00:32:38.799 --> 00:32:43.039 from the girls club, but they're barely making it to their job half the 459 00:32:43.039 --> 00:32:46.799 time. They just lose everything in their life and their identity and they wrap 460 00:32:46.880 --> 00:32:52.279 themselves around a man as their identity. Secure women don't do that. They 461 00:32:52.359 --> 00:32:55.279 know that relationships are a bridge between tribes. They introduce their friends, they 462 00:32:55.319 --> 00:33:00.000 get their friends to check out the new guy. To remember the ven diagram. 463 00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:02.720 You're an individual, he's an individual. There's some overlap that's called the 464 00:33:02.759 --> 00:33:07.920 relationship, but you're still an individual on each side. Oh here's a big 465 00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:15.279 one. You know. Secure women never feel insecure about their sexual experience, 466 00:33:15.680 --> 00:33:21.240 never ever, ever. If he tries to make you feel bad about your 467 00:33:21.319 --> 00:33:25.200 body count or what your number is, your answer should be there's none of 468 00:33:25.240 --> 00:33:30.480 your business, because it's not. I mean, are you asking him how 469 00:33:30.480 --> 00:33:37.039 many partners? Everybody has the right to their own autonomous body and their own 470 00:33:37.119 --> 00:33:40.920 pleasure and they can do whatever they want. And so if you're a secure 471 00:33:40.960 --> 00:33:45.559 woman, you don't care about your body count. And if he asks, 472 00:33:45.880 --> 00:33:50.680 I mean I usually say when a guy asked me one hundred and fifty. 473 00:33:50.799 --> 00:33:52.839 Problem with that, who knows what the truth is? I don't count. 474 00:33:54.079 --> 00:34:01.160 Also, secure women don't choose men who they perceived to be high value in 475 00:34:01.240 --> 00:34:05.839 the eyes of their friends, in other words, social climbing status, instead 476 00:34:05.839 --> 00:34:12.400 of looking at a man as his own humanity and who he is. Also, 477 00:34:12.480 --> 00:34:15.880 secure women do not snoop or invade a man's privacy. Don't go into 478 00:34:15.880 --> 00:34:19.320 his phone, don't go into his DMS. If your stomach is telling you 479 00:34:19.599 --> 00:34:22.760 that he's cheating on you, trust your stomach. Secure women and ask him 480 00:34:23.440 --> 00:34:29.119 find out. You don't have to look bad. Lying and snooping doesn't look 481 00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:34.239 good. Secure women also, now it takes some skill to learn this. 482 00:34:35.000 --> 00:34:40.960 They assess red flags. Well. The problem is when a woman is insecure, 483 00:34:42.280 --> 00:34:46.400 her fear of abandonment is greater than her ability to go Wait, that's 484 00:34:46.480 --> 00:34:52.760 not right, that he's not treating me normal. That is not normal right, 485 00:34:52.360 --> 00:35:00.440 And so you know, as somebody who is secure will go nil address 486 00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:01.800 it. Hey, I noticed that the other night you said you were going 487 00:35:01.880 --> 00:35:06.679 to call me. When you came in, I didn't hear from you. 488 00:35:06.679 --> 00:35:08.400 You said you ended up going to bed, and you forgot to call me 489 00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:12.800 next time. I'd like you to follow through and call me when you say 490 00:35:12.800 --> 00:35:17.000 you're going to and then see what happens if he does it twice goodbye because 491 00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:23.639 he's not respecting your needs. And the biggest thing that secure women never ever 492 00:35:23.800 --> 00:35:29.599 do because they don't fear abandonment. You know why, because they have a 493 00:35:29.639 --> 00:35:34.400 full, rich life. They have great relationships with friends, colleagues, and 494 00:35:34.519 --> 00:35:37.039 family, and so he's one piece of it. If he goes away, 495 00:35:37.440 --> 00:35:42.559 they still have all the social support they need. They're not able to just 496 00:35:42.760 --> 00:35:46.199 cling to bad relationships because they feel insecure. All right, when we come 497 00:35:46.199 --> 00:35:50.440 back, I am going to be taking your calls. The number is one 498 00:35:50.559 --> 00:35:55.039 eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five to zero 499 00:35:55.159 --> 00:35:59.719 one five three four. If you have a relationship question, give me a 500 00:35:59.719 --> 00:36:02.400 call. I'll be happy to answer it. You are listening to the Doctor 501 00:36:02.400 --> 00:36:06.800 Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the 502 00:36:06.800 --> 00:36:12.199 iHeartRadio app you've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us 503 00:36:12.239 --> 00:36:15.079 live on kf I Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and 504 00:36:15.239 --> 00:36:19.039 anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app