This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app ki AM six forty Doctor
Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Oh my
goodness, Barbie, Barbie, Barbee, Barbe, Barbee, Barbee Barbie.
We got to talk about that. And also you're on You're on the maroo
roo. If you know what I just said, you better listen up.
So I've got a story for you. Hey, what about is it okay
to take separate vacations? What does the data say on that? Also,
if you're in a relationship rutt, I've got some advice for you. And
if you're a father of daughters, more daughters the better. You are one
lucky person. And I'll explain why there are some health benefits if you're new
to my show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology
professor, not a therapist, a professor at California State University, Channel Islands.
I can't believe we've got like four more weeks we're back into class,
maybe only three and a half. WHOA that summer has just been going by
quickly. But I'm obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books
on relationships, a dissertation on attachment theory, and I just care about you
and you'll love life producer Kayla, how are you? I am wonderful,
Doctor Wendy's lovely seeing your beautiful face. Thank you. Did you see the
Barbie movie? Yeah, my friends wore blonde wigs at pitting dresses. I
mean, but Barbie doesn't have to be blonde. If you looked at the
Barbie movie, there was every body type. There was every hair collar,
every skin collar, all the Barbies, Barbies, Barbies, Barbies. For
those of you who have been living under a rock and did not know that,
I'm pretty sure you'll have to google it for I'm good. I think
it's number one this weekend, The Barbie Movie with Margot Robbie. It is
something. I hope the costume person and the set designer win Academy Awards for
this because that was astounding. The costumes were amazing. It is If you
are a man, I highly encourage you to see the Barbie Movie. There
were lots of dudes there. You're not gonna be like only three in the
theater. I was happy to see so many dads bringing their daughters. Also,
the boys from Boystown love because you know, there's all these innuendos that
the kids are gay. Their job is to beach. Oh yeah, you
didn't get that. They're gonna have They're gonna beach each other off. Oh
I got that. Oh yeah, yeah, I got that. That was
a fight. They're gonna fight each other, That's what I'm talking about.
But it's a beach is what they use. So they say, I'm gonna
beat you off anyway. Uh. It is such a ride, and it
is such a treatise on a patriarchy. And you know, like you know,
when you go to a movie and the movie, the actors whatever,
you kind of get into character and you kind of get the feelings in the
mood, and when you come out of the movie, it feels like a
little bit you're still in the movie. There's those few minutes while you're adjusting.
And if you've been in a horror movie, you're walking down the hall
thinking, you know, which grim reaper's going come around the corner, or
which person is the serial killer? Even you know, the Barbie movie an
interesting thing happened in the hallway in the movie theater and the ladies room and
everywhere else. All the women caught each other's eyes and smiled. There was
this warm sisterhood happening. Afterwards, stranger women stopped me in the mall going
did you see it yet? And I'm like, yeah, I just did.
Oh it was amazing, like it created this kind of sisterhood. And
then at one point I was putting my trash in the trash can outside theater
and it was so overflowing that people were putting the trash around on the outside,
and I just said to my daughter, it's okay, they'll send a
can to clean it up. Because there's a lot of role reversal in the
movie, and I highly suggest everyone see it all right. Do you know
why I said you're una? Do you know what you're Una means? It
means hello, intohitian and marrou means thank you. I just got back from
my very first vacation with my boyfriend. Now it's not that we haven't traveled
together in the years we've been together, but it's to visit family or to
visit real estate projects and work, and so it was really nice to have
a full on vacation and we went to the Tahitian Islands and we went specifically
for a wedding. It was a couple in their fifties and he is Tahitian,
she is American from New Orleans, and they got married on the beach
with his eldest daughter marrying them, and it was just beautiful, just everything
you see. And Okay, I just want to tell everybody forget Hawaii.
Don't just stay on the plane two more hours and get to Tahiti. Thousand
times better, much more cultural, much more nature, much more friendly people,
cheaper once you're there. I'm not joking like now. Of course,
if you're going to stay in a big American hotel and one of those huts
out over the water on Bora Bora where they're just reeling you in to spend
all that money, you can do that, all right. But I found
a lovely passion with a private cottage brand new around a pool, run by
a French woman who used to have a French restaurant. So she brought us
breakfast every morning and did her every night. Anyway, I'm just saying.
The only thing is they're wild dogs. Now you should know these wild dogs
are just the breed is pit bull, so when you see one when you're
out hiking, you're like, I'm about to be attacked by a pit bull.
But they just look sad and lonely. They don't do anything. My
boyfriend was like, just hold a stone just in case, but they just
looked at us like we saw dogs eating coconuts. I didn't know dogs were
vegetarian, but I guess they're that hungry. They'll open up a coconut and
eat it. And lots of chickens. In fact, I am going to
have to go and see Mowana again. Now I understand why the chicken was
on the boat. And there're probably lots of more Polynesian references that I'll get
now. And the snorkeling you're never gonna get better in the world. I
mean, it was literally I was in finding Nemo. I was swimming with
sea turtles and clownfish and anemones. It was beautiful all right, which made
me think about vacations. So we were wall to wall in each other's company,
my love and eye for seven day straight and going to do something romantic,
which is at tent a wedding. No less, we never got on
each other's nerves once, we in fact probably got closer because of it.
So it made me ask the question, can taking a vacation together be the
good thing that's going to reboot your relationship? Of course, when I started
pulling up on the research on it, the research was all financed by the
US Travel Association, and blah blah blah. You know, they say things
like all this alone time improves your line of communication, that couples who travel
together actually last longer, divorce rates are higher for couples who do not travel
together. But I want to pause and say, you know what, which
came first, the chicken or the egg? In other words, do happy
couples travel or are they more likely to travel together? Probably if you're going.
If you're a grumpy couple and you go on a vacation together, guess
what. You become a grumpy couple on the beach. That's what you become.
So I don't think it's the vacation necessarily, although it really is great
to get rid of. I loved not having Wi Fi. There were many
days where there was no internet connection. We didn't have to answer emails.
I loved listening to nature, listening to music, listening to him talk about
all kinds of stuff. Now this idea. I have two examples from my
life of people who say that separate vacations can sometimes be helpful. One person
I know was divorcing and they decided to send to take separate vacations as a
trial to see how it felt. Well, guess what. It did not
feel good to them, and they got back together. Right. So,
in their case, taking a separate vacation to try or see what it feels
like to be a single person out there, it backfired. They weren't just
testing the waters for being single. They actually missed each other so much they
got back together. Then, when we were snorkeling, we met this woman
and I thought she was single, and she said she decided to give herself
this trip for her fiftieth birthday. I was like, oh, it's so
wonderful. And she was from France. Everyone was from France there. I
only saw two other Americans the whole time. And then at some point I
asked her does she have children and she said, yes, a four year
old. I know, Kayla, I saw your face. Four weeks she
gave herself a vacation away from her four year old and she was fifty.
Yeah, well so she had at forty six is possible. But the point
is, you know, children have their young children. Their perception of time
is very different than our perception of time. So four weeks to a four
year old would feel like six months. And which her rationalization we all have
to rationalize our decisions, was oh, well, you know, to spend
all that money and she wouldn't really remember it. Well, here's what small
children remember. They might not remember the narrative of their life. We did
this on this date. I remember that, but they remember the feelings,
and the feelings get stored in the bones for a long time. So I
gently said, you know, your doctor is going to be mad at you.
Might take a little while. Of course, k I told her she
didn't know she was talking to doctor Wendy. You didn't know who she was
talking to. I just said, oh, I teach developmental psychology. That's
a long time for a small child. So just understand it's going to take
a little while to rebuild that relationship, which you can all right, speaking
of you and your relationship, if you're listening and you've been in a relationship
for a while, are you getting bored. Lots of people get bored as
relationships evolve, something called habituation sets in. When we come back, I'm
going to tell you how to add excitement, novelty, interest, and just
basically get out of your relationship rut, because there are all kinds of things
you can do besides taking a vacation to Tihiti, which obviously not everyone can
do that. Let me explain that when we come back, you are listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf
I AM six forty. We can Learn to Love Again k I AM six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. Look, relationships are tough,
and I can sit here and explain to you what happens biologically with the
neurochemistry in your brain. You'll be bored, but I'll do it anyway.
So here's what happens when you first meet somebody. Mother nature is perfect.
She's designed a neuro cocktail of delicious hormones for you to feel the feelings of
attraction and lust and love. Dopamine, serotonin Europe, and nephron oxytocin.
Yummy, yummy, yummy. And after a while, like any other drug
you take, whether it's nicotine or alcohol or caffeine, you know, you
kind of get used to it and you need more and more for it to
feel better. And then the problem is, at the beginning, it's great.
You just see that person you're in love with more and more and more,
you can't get enough of them. And then after a while, your
brain gets totally used to seeing them. Also, you are seeing them all
the time, and if you're living together and you're married, you're seeing them
without their clothes, You're seeing them in their worst clothes. You're seeing them
in the bathroom and the shower, and you're seeing them dirty and you're seeing
them clean, and you're just seeing them all the time. Right, So
your brain starts to not have the excitement and the novelty that happens at the
beginning. And when we talk about the work of a relationship, hopefully the
work shouldn't be I'm gonna have to endure this monogamy. I'm gonna have to
endure this bondom, this boredom. That is not the work. The work
is saying to yourself, what can I do to make this relationship hot again?
What can I do feel good in this relationship? Well, let's talk
about the science. There have been a number of studies. A group that
I read about today is published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that
talks about how if couples can remember you have to work your brain remember to
appreciate each other. So literally, it's you see, life is a self
fulfilling prophecy. Your relationship is whatever you believe it is. And trust me,
I've looked at some other people's relationships from the outside. I'm like,
currently, they're not that great. Why are they so in love with that
person? But you know what, to them, it's perfect because they're in
that wonderful luster because their brain has mustered it. So here's what we find
is that if somebody offers appreciation and gratitude to a partner, it becomes reciprocal.
Then the other person automatically starts to appreciate you. So when you've been
together long time, the reflex often is to think, well, they know
I love them. I told them the day we got married. They see
I'm here or I'm paying the bills, or I'm cleaning the house or I'm
doing whatever. They can see like, why do I have to tell them?
Why do I have to write? And so? Instead, when your
partner does get your attention, it's when you notice them doing something you don't
like, and then you start to criticize a little bit. Right, So,
research has also shown that people who are more appreciative of their partners show
higher levels of resp responsiveness to their partner's needs. So, believe it or
not, if you can just catch your partner being good, If you can
catch your partner every single day doing something small doesn't have to be huge,
and thank them for it and tell them why, they're going to reciprocate.
They're going to be more responsive to you, because we all want to give
attention to somebody who gives us good attention. There's also research to show that
couples who show appreciation for each other have greater levels of commitment. Now,
gratitude is important, but not just saying thank you, tell them why,
and so saying hey, dude, thanks for doing the dishes tonight. Appreciate
it. How about something like, hey, I really appreciate it that you
did the dishes because it gave me that extra time so I could really focus
on my work without distractions. And that really means the world to me that
you were so thoughtful. Whole different world right. Also, you can add
novelty by doing something unexpected in your relationship. It doesn't have to be some
huge, major thing. It can be something small, something that's a surprise.
Do it for your partner. And you know, I mentioned in the
last segment that you know, we just had this wonderful positive bump in our
relationship because we took a little vacation together. Not everyone can take a vacation
because of financial reasons, or childcare, or working reasons, or all kinds
of reasons. I want to give you a few tips of how you can
schedule novelty in your relationship. In this town, I do it all the
time. Travel all the way to Korea Town. Get some authentic barbecue.
My favorite Korean barbecue restaurant in Koreatown is called Quarters. If you haven't been,
you should check it out. Or don't want to fly to London,
get a taste of London. Head down to Long Beach and have a high
tea at the Queen Mary. Hey, that's not just for tourists, you
should do it too. You know, you can experience the Old West.
You know, the oldest town around here is called Cornell and a few old
buildings still exist. One of the restaurants that I like to go to there
is called the Old Place, and you can sip wine and do wine tastings
there. That's in Agora Hills. Get out on the Pacific one of my
favorite things to do when guests come to town. But you might want to
do it just because you need the novelty is ran some jet skis in Marina
del Rey and see our whole coast. It's a whole different perspective from out
there. Hey, go to Mexico. No, you don't have to go
actually down to Mexico. Just go to Alvara Street if you haven't been.
It's a small pedestrian street that's the original at the original Pueblo of Los Angeles.
It was founded in seventeen eighty one, and it's founded. I mean,
it's lined with eateries and shops and it feels like you're in old Mexico.
And I know it's expensive to go to Tahiti, although I'm so mad
it was expensive for us and then we saw the airfares went way down after
we already bought ours. Hate that airfares going down again. I'm so happy.
Anyway, you can experience the taste of Tahiti by going online to Mount
polmar Winery in Temecula. They're doing a Tahitian festival in the fall with Tahitian
dance, music, arts, and crass. It's free, free, free,
free, free food, games, silent auction, and you can win
a trip to Tahiti. So there you go. Add novelty to your relationship.
All right. I mentioned that gratitude is very important in your relationship to
keep it healthy. But according to two psychologists, there's one simple little trick.
Okay, it's not so simple. I'm gonna tell you all the steps
of how to do. It can literally save any relationship, whether it's a
workplace relationship, apparent child relationship, a love relationship. But once you learn
the technique, it can save it. And I'll explain when we come back.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I Am six
forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy
Walsh on demand from KF. I am sixty six forty. You have doctor
Wendy Walsh with you. I have said this over and over and over,
and I'm going to say it again because it might be a new sentence for
you to hear. Relationships are far more about skill than luck. There is
this myth circling around our culture that if we could just meet the right person.
Well, let me tell you this that once you figure out how to
have a healthy relationship, there will be many, many right people for you
because you'll be able to engage with them in a healthy way. I can
honestly say, Okay, I hope my boyfriend Julie is not listening right now,
but okay, he is perfect and he's special on all that. But
I met him at a time in my life where I had done the work.
And once I'd done the work, as he likes to jokingly say,
because here's the story, at the very beginning of the pandemic, when my
kids came home and then we were all quarantined, and basically they would after
dinner just go watch movies that I wasn't interested in, and I'd be sitting
alone in my room pouring myself a glass of wine going. You know,
I'll just swipe through these apps and see what's going on. Well, here's
what I didn't know. So the way the app Bumble works, for instance,
is that it keeps a match alive for twenty four hours, and if
the woman doesn't talk to the dude, I always thought it disappeared. But
one time I opened the app and I saw these kind of great out guy's
faces at the top, and I was like, oh, well, I
guess if I liked him once, i'll like him again. Let me click
on that first one there. To this day, Julio goes it was so
random. I wasn't special at all. You just clicked on a gray face
to see what does that mean? Right? I sitting at the apps are
just a little first step billboard advertising. It's a pamphlet, that's all.
It is, your basic first pamphlet anyway. But what was different is that
I had the relationship skills. I knew to get on the phone right away
and not to sit there in long time texting. I knew that when we
met in the real world, because it was during COVID, that we had
to wear masks, we had to meet outdoors, there had to be wind.
I was very very protective and very careful, and any guy who wouldn't
cooperate with that, well, that was a boundary for me. I was
like, Okay, there's a red flag not going there. So I had
done the work and thank goodness, a perfect person fell into my lap.
But and he's not listening. I'm sure he's not listening. There could have
been many perfect people. Yes, it was a random thing. So I
was reading this article today written by two of my favorite people, doctor Pepper
Schwartz, who's a psychologist. I've actually been on a couple of TV shows
with her in the past. She's great, and sexologist doctor Jessica Griffin.
Combined. These two professional also spent fifty years doing research and studying successful relationships,
and so they wrote an article saying that there's only one thing you need
to learn, and if you can learn how to do it, it can
save any relationship, whether it's a colleague that you're having problems with, whether
it's a kid and you're a parent, or you're a kid with a parent,
whatever, and you want to want to raise your parent better, if
you're in a love relationship, And here's what the strategy is. It's simply
called reflective listening. Producer Kay Lutina. What reflective listening is listening to understand
as opposed to listening to respond. That's a very good way to say,
yeah, listening to understand. So are there. I've come up with a
little list of best practices with the work of doctor Pepper Schwartz and doctor Jessica
Griffin. So if you're going to learn, and everything's a skill, you
got to practice it over and over. You won't get it right right away.
The first step is eye contact. If you're trying to have a conversation
about anything tender with somebody, you can't be distracted looking at your phone,
the computer, the TV, the road, whatever. You need to sit
down at a quiet place and actually look someone in the eye. Now,
one technique is to have a talking stick. I remember one time years ago,
just as a friend I did this with a friend was having trouble with
her daughter. Her daughter was in her early twenties. And you know,
mom, hating is a stage, ladies, Okay, so if your daughters
hate you, it's a sort of a weird thing that goes for a bit
and then they come back around. But anyway, I said, well,
why don't we do the talking stick together. I'll sort of be the referee.
And so we literally use a hairbrush because we're barbies, and she,
the daughter, would hold the hairbrush, and whenever she was holding the hairbrush
only she was allowed to talk. Now, the other one had to listen
as long as the person was holding So that's the important part is that you
don't interrupt. Also, it's really important to simply say words like help me
understand, help me understand. You know, if you do reflective listening correctly,
it helps the other person feel seen, heard and understood. And often
that's enough, Like people don't even need to have the problem solved if they
know that their grievance is being respected and that they they're being heard. But
what happens more often is that when someone brings up something tender, the other
person gets defensive and they start to rationalize and get defensive and talk about why
a, well you made me do that? Well yeah, and then you
get into this war or the words instead of help me understand what you're feeling.
That's it, right, no blaming now here. The other thing,
when the person has a talking stick or it's their turn to talk, you
have to focus when they're talking, really focus, try hard not to distract
yourself. And then the things that the call centers do so darn well these
days. You pair a phrase what you think you heard, and you say
it back to them, and it sounds something on glyphs. So it sounds
like when I did blah blah blah, you felt blah blah blah, and
then in fact check, did I get that right? That's what they do
on the call center. You call and you say, hey, I paid
for that plane ticket and now the plane's delayed and there's a cheaper flight and
I want to cash this in. And then they go, so what I'm
hearing is that you purchase a ticket from US last week and now the price
has gone down and you'd like a refund. Is that correct? Right?
I love it how they do that reflect They must teach them at all the
call centers. If only we could do this in our personal relationships. And
also here's a big one. Try to guess what they're thinking. Be a
feeling detective. Scribe what you think they're feeling it sounds like you felt,
and say a word for a feeling scared, embarrassed, angry, sad,
whatever come up with a word, and then they get to say yes or
no, that's what I felt. And then here's the big one apologize.
You know, I'm sorry are some of the most important words you can ever
say in a relationship, and how you say them is very important. Not
like, well, i'm sorry, Okay, it doesn't sound like somebody's very
sorry when they say that. Well, when they say, oh, I
didn't know you felt that way, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that happened to
you, That is so powerful. Also, thank them for sharing. Yes,
thanks for bringing this up, Thanks for telling me about this. It's
very helpful to me. Then the two of you can find a solution together,
okay, instead of you just in there saying, well, you should
do this and you should do that, which I should tell you. Some
of the biggest no nos in reflective listening are well, obviously interrupting, let
the person get their spiel out, no matter how long it takes. Also
giving advice. Well, here's the thing I think you should do, because
this is not a strategy session. Okay, this is somebody telling you what
they're feeling and experiencing. So don't go in there giving advice and trying to
solve the problem for them. And also, please watch your body language.
You're sitting there listening intently, are your eyes rolling, are you arms crossed
across your chest in a very defensive position? Be calm, be open,
try as hard as you can not to put your brain in defense mode.
I know, with my boyfriend, I find myself saying things like he gets
on rants sometimes, and people do. They're just their way, everyone's got
their style. And I'll just say, I'm finding that when you're repeating yourself
over and over that I'm feeling criticized. That's all I say. I'm feeling
not you know, stop ranting. Are you doing this? I say,
I find that when I hear you saying the same things over and over,
you know, feel like I'm being criticized here. And then he'll be like,
no, no, I didn't mean it that way. Whatever. Okay,
here's one of the things I've learned from my online life and all of
you wonderful people who write to me, and from what I saw today in
the Barbie movie. Way too many women feel insecure. They feel insecure in
their relationships, not their fault. Okay, patriarchy has done that to us.
We're supposed to be thin. We're supposed to be successful, but not
too successful. We don't want other people to feel bad, etc. There's
a wonderful what's her name America for Era, that actress. I love her.
She gives that long soliloquy in the Barbie movie about this impossible position that
we put women in. However, I want you to know that there are
certain things that secure women do, so we need a model, right,
what's a model or a relationship. There are certain things that secure women never
ever do in relationships, and I'll explain what they are when we come back.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
on demand from KFI AM six forty km HI Am six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd
like to welcome my TikTok audience. If you'd like to come into the studio
and see us here live, You're welcome to download the TikTok app or get
onto TikTok. Come over to my account which is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
That's at Dr Wendy Walsh. I do this because after this segment, I'm
going to be taking your calls, so I'll give the phone number out now.
Producer Kayla is going to open the lines at the end of this segment.
The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight
hundred five two zero one five three four. But first I want to talk
about things that secure women do in relationships. Earlier, I mentioned that I'd
seen the Barbie movie today and when the patriarchy took over, when Ken figured
out that patriarchy could be a cool thing for Barbie Land. We watched as
an audience all the Barbies in Barbie Land start to define themselves by their boyfriends.
And the boyfriends were bro culture and they what was that funny line that
they called it? Like long term, low commitment, part time relationship or
whatever. So the girls were having a hard time getting a commitment. They
the guys made them feel very insecure about themselves. Half of them were in
French maids costumes. All of a sudden, they had been presidents and Supreme
Court justices and the old Barbie Land and doctors and they'd won Nobel prizes,
etc. So you know, I think that partly because we are right now
experiencing an oversupply of successful women in our mating marketplaces, and women don't like
to date down. What ends up happening is a whole bunch of women are
competing for a small group of men who they feel are high status, high
value whatever, And so they're feeling that competition and that's making them insecure.
Other women are insecure just because of their early childhood trauma and the critical parenting
and the critical coaches, and the rest of us are just insecure because patriarchy
made us feel bad about ourselves, whatever it may be. So I want
to talk about if we were to all be secure women in relationships, here
are a few things we would never do. Okay, Number one, Secure
women do not play mind games. They don't expect their male partners to be
mind readers and then punish them when they are not good mind readers. Right,
people of any gender should not expect your partner to know I have seen
people and heard people say these words. He should just know, Well,
you should just know. No, nobody's expected to just know. You need
to tell them what you need now, I will tell you I wasn't always
the secure woman that I am now. It is the gift of age and
wisdom that has made me like myself so much. Did you love that scene
in Barbie when Barbie sits down and she's in the real world now, and
she sits at a bus stop and there's a really old lady. She's never
seen an old old lady before, and she says, you're beautiful, and
the old lady goes. I know it. So I was also insecure,
especially when I was young, and I did this bad thing because I was
insecure. And this is a thing that secure women do not do, which
is deliberately make men feel jealous. Right. I used to leave, like
you know, back in the day when guys would write their phone numbers on
napkins and stuff, and I'd leave them like strategically in my car so the
player that I was dating would see that it hires down his man I left
his number or whatever. No, you don't need to do that. Although
in the Barbie movie, the Barbies did make all the Ken's jealous so they
would start fighting with each other. It's just a movie, folks. Okay,
if you're insecure about your relationship. You don't need to affirm your value
by having him feel jealous. Okay, in the same sense, and I've
done this in the past too, you do not need to fish for compliments.
You should know how fabulous you look, no matter what your body type,
no matter what your hair, your skin color, anything. You should
know that. Throughout the history of the human species, the whole reason why
men work and make money is so that they can impress women. We're picking
them, they're not picking us. Okay, So you don't need to fish
for compliments. You should know you're hot. Don't depend on a man to
affirm you. Secure women just don't need that. They'll say, oh,
I look at in this. What do you think do I look at in
that? No, Secure women just put on the clothes they like and they
walk out and they know they look just great. Also, secure women are
never a doormat when a man tries to just what they should wear. Right
member. Last week, we were talking about actress Kiki Palmer and her partner
saying that she should wear certain things because she's a mother, you know what,
she can wear whatever she wants. Because what if we wear something and
he's worried that we go out in public. That he's being judged. That's
his insecurity. He's being judged by what we're wearing. You know what,
you can wear whatever you want. Secure women never ever do this, drop
everything in their life for a man. Oh, come on, we know
them. We know those women. They get a boyfriend and they just disappear
from the girls club, but they're barely making it to their job half the
time. They just lose everything in their life and their identity and they wrap
themselves around a man as their identity. Secure women don't do that. They
know that relationships are a bridge between tribes. They introduce their friends, they
get their friends to check out the new guy. To remember the ven diagram.
You're an individual, he's an individual. There's some overlap that's called the
relationship, but you're still an individual on each side. Oh here's a big
one. You know. Secure women never feel insecure about their sexual experience,
never ever, ever. If he tries to make you feel bad about your
body count or what your number is, your answer should be there's none of
your business, because it's not. I mean, are you asking him how
many partners? Everybody has the right to their own autonomous body and their own
pleasure and they can do whatever they want. And so if you're a secure
woman, you don't care about your body count. And if he asks,
I mean I usually say when a guy asked me one hundred and fifty.
Problem with that, who knows what the truth is? I don't count.
Also, secure women don't choose men who they perceived to be high value in
the eyes of their friends, in other words, social climbing status, instead
of looking at a man as his own humanity and who he is. Also,
secure women do not snoop or invade a man's privacy. Don't go into
his phone, don't go into his DMS. If your stomach is telling you
that he's cheating on you, trust your stomach. Secure women and ask him
find out. You don't have to look bad. Lying and snooping doesn't look
good. Secure women also, now it takes some skill to learn this.
They assess red flags. Well. The problem is when a woman is insecure,
her fear of abandonment is greater than her ability to go Wait, that's
not right, that he's not treating me normal. That is not normal right,
And so you know, as somebody who is secure will go nil address
it. Hey, I noticed that the other night you said you were going
to call me. When you came in, I didn't hear from you.
You said you ended up going to bed, and you forgot to call me
next time. I'd like you to follow through and call me when you say
you're going to and then see what happens if he does it twice goodbye because
he's not respecting your needs. And the biggest thing that secure women never ever
do because they don't fear abandonment. You know why, because they have a
full, rich life. They have great relationships with friends, colleagues, and
family, and so he's one piece of it. If he goes away,
they still have all the social support they need. They're not able to just
cling to bad relationships because they feel insecure. All right, when we come
back, I am going to be taking your calls. The number is one
eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five to zero
one five three four. If you have a relationship question, give me a
call. I'll be happy to answer it. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app you've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us
live on kf I Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and
anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app