The opinions expressed by chayo busquets are supported by their extensive experience as a family
therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is
chayo with you. In jewels. We start very good afternoon to everyone as
they are I am chayo buscatcho this chayo with you and they have heard the
phrase. Everything is according to the color of the crystal with which you look
yes true. Surely many of you notice that we have a very strong belief,
rather a tendency to believe very strongly over and over again that the facts
that are going on out there are responsible for our state of mind. Says
an author out there that I like to read a lot. Rafael Santa Andreu,
is a Spanish author who has several books written, among them one that
says that it is called the art of making life bitter, which is a
very nice book And he has another, which is the glasses of happiness,
which is worth reading, because it is very light to read. And he
says this is always believing that our stage of mind depends on the things that
happen out there. It is a factory defect that because many times we are
continually assigning our stage of mind to what happened, that such a person makes
me miserable, that such a situation makes me sad what, such circumstance makes
me angry that And what it says is that and what it goes to,
and I agree with him that on many occasions we are constantly putting our personal
agenda, that is, the control of who we are and how we move
in life out there and that when we do not become aware that we have
to work in the personal control of our emotions, we are going to end
up doing things inappropriately and that it will always lead us to be volumable.
We all know people who are massive, people who are very changing in their
mood. There are people who tell me that that safe person is bipolar and
not bipolarity is something else. Changing moods for one day or from one moment
to the next are people who can be very sick, but it has to
do with leaving our emotions in the hands of others. The reality is that
one can recognize that there are things that we don' t like or that
there are people that aren' t more difficult, but that' s why
it depends on my mood to change. That' s already something that would
have to lead me to work on what happens to me, because then you
know that your happiness is constantly going to be on the other. If you
' re a thinking being, this would have to sound ridiculous. You look
into the hands of who' s handling your emotions. Notice that, speaking
of this, we would have to ask ourselves what resilience is. I have
often said that resilience and adaptation are the same, but I was wrong.
I' ve read a lot more about resilience. I have studied it more,
especially since the pandemic, and I have discovered that, although they look
like cousins, they share common points. Resilience has an additional advantage to adaptation.
Adaptation and resilience have in common this ability so that, when things change,
we can fit into the situation and have the best possible time, given
the circumstance in which we are moving or in which we are managing. And
in that process let' s always say that at the present moment, in
which things settle, we end up having a better time. But unlike the
adaptation of resilience, what it says is that you not only spend it better
as you find yourself in that situation, but you go out stronger, learn
something new and acquire new skills. So it' s much better to end
up resilient than to just adapt, because adapting is to have the best possible
time while that circumstance is there. But when you come out of that circumstance,
you' re the same as you were before. You just floated in
the water, but resilience taught you how to swim and, therefore, you
have better abilities to be. Then you learned a new swim style, you
swim faster and you have more physical strength, you gained muscle. There are
those who had the best time in the pandemic given the circumstance, but when
they came out of the pandemic, they are the same as before. Those
who were resilient developed new capabilities to face adversity. And today the world does
the errands and if there is an adverse situation, they have much better skills
to be able to face reality. So it is worth teaching others, our
children in particular, and ourselves how to face life in different ways. So
he teaches to be resilient. Taritron ready for today' s segment prior to
our Monday, on our twenty- sixth Monday, where the full program will
be, where we will talk about these elements that tend to hurt partner relationships.
And well, it' s going to be a full program. But
today I have a little question that you' re probably going to say chayo
to me. That question is for full program. But at some point we
will be dealing with a full program with this. But you' re going
to drop the bomb. I' m gonna throw a bomb at you?
I' m exactly going to throw a bomb at you because look, it
' s something that sometimes people use as a synonym and I' m not
sure it' s synonymous. And you' re the expert on loyalty and
fidelity. Yes, they are without any in what was for me, yes
in what is there, in the outside world and in listening in men and
women and in urban or agricultural contexts, etcetera. It' s not the
same. There' s not the same thing to see how I can put
it to make it a little more accessible. Not to see. One time
a man told me it' s if we talk about fidelity where it means
that I' m not necessarily going to have a physical exchange. Yes with
someone else. I' m not faithful, but I' m really everything
to him. Loyal to my wife and I say ah for help me to
understand you for me internally go all the smuses together. I' m very
loyal to my wife. It is all that has to do with our life,
it has to do with home, it has to do with travel,
it has to do with the children, with ourselves, with us, with
the relationship. Yeah, she' s always first. Nobody takes his place
and I don' t want to fall where I don' t. It
' s just that you' re the cathedral and we have different parishes.
Or no, no, no, because also what happens is out there,
how nice so I say and how you do it there and tells me not
this I do not disappear and I am present. I' m with her.
I defend, it is relevant and the truth to me costs me a
little bit of work, not constantly to ask, because I still maybe do
have them as merged or I have them as together, but practice has taught
me that it is not so. So it' s hard for me,
particularly to say good how we define it, where it looks, where it
manifests, where you learned it, why it' s relevant to you to
separate it. There' s a moment where you want to put him together,
there' s a moment where he' s fine. That' s
how the other person gets it. What an impact you think it has on
your partner. If you haven' t talked about it, it has thousands
of avenues, no, but I' ve heard it many times. It
' s not like saying. I am loyal to my country, but that
does not mean that I will visit others where if there is an attack on
Mexico, but yes, I can go to visit the United States, Guatemala,
etcetera. No and asking I don' t have it all figured out
but I' d love to be able to discuss it, that we can
discuss it with you and me at all and see what the answer is.
Inside your listeners. We may have a division. No, yes, he
' s a female or a male. No, because so do women.
The emotional part is very important to us. Yeah, look, when I
' m hearing you, I' d think about what happens the moment they
got into competition and that' s where loyalty would be defined. I don
' t remember a case ever in the office where and I don' t
know it' s making me think about this thing that you' re raising,
you' re making me think about a gender issue and that' s
where it leads me to think about an education issue. So, because once
a patient man, again that' s why I' m thinking about gender,
told me I didn' t have the slightest doubt when being with the
other woman, Not being not physically at that time with the other woman,
at the time when, having a relationship with another woman, diagnosing the wife
or a serious illness, had the slightest doubt that that was the time to
end the extramarital relationship, because it was time to be loyal to his wife
and there he didn' t hesitate. Despite telling me I had a lot
of affection for this person because he had been in relationship for more than a
year. Marita affected him Yes, she did. Yeah, I had it
there. However, he told me at that time it was clear to me
that I could no longer be disloyal to my wife. I couldn' t
make it since then. Yeah, it' s exactly disloyal. Then it
came to an internal nilevel of it, where I say I can no longer
exact continuous. So that' s the level, level fifteen. Yeah,
I can be between zero and fifteen, but from fifteen, fifteen and not
super interesting. No. And there and I don' t know if it
has anything to do with an educational process again how men and women are being
educated. But there was a part that I do not know if he would
say of tolerable discomfort in the face of the pleasure that was generated previously,
but in the face of a circumstance that already required a higher level of moral
commitment, he did not say I can no longer with that level of discomfort.
And here I do require much more commitment. And, therefore, this
relationship has to end, because my marriage relationship already requires another level of commitment.
I can' t be here anymore and you brought it to my mind,
right now you' re talking to me. This is not yes and
it' s very interesting, but again it' s about honestly, I
' m not so clear about it for I mean, I' m clear
for myself, but I don' t know for others. And then I
ask if your wife was listening to this conversation we' re having, what
she' d say, what she' d say, what she' d
feel and where it would take her and if it would make a difference to
her, what it does to him. No, but we' re going
to launch it I propose, we' re going to launch it with a
straightforward question to the public and we' re going to listen to the answers
and we' re going to see what there is to notice that we have
a whatsapp that we used when it comes to Women' s Day so that
we can get audios anonymously with the approaches. We' re going to launch
it this time for this and we' re going to get the audios to
tell us what they think and how they live it, because I think it
' s going to be a very interesting experience and we' re going to
do it with this approach and we' re going to listen, we'
re going to hear what they think. I think it' s going to
be a bomb party throwing this bomb of loyalty and fidelity. And we'
re going to throw it out so much by asking men and asking women to
send us their messages, because they know perfectly well here that I' m
talking to you, you don' t judge and what we want is a
learning that is evolving. Thank you, Tari To You, Thank you notice
that in a house the rules that you already know that I have an absolute
love of the rules is because the rules mean a lot of things within the
context of a family. First it is the basis of harmony in a house.
The rules make it easy for us not to shout, not to be
deas sent attention, not to be pointing out, not to despair that the
boys respect each other, because if the kids respect the order of things,
if the kids respect that if I grabbed this, I leave it in place
again. Who gets what at what time, who doesn' t stick that
everyone knows who gets in first to bathe who later, Who gets to go
ahead, today in the car, who accompanies, who in the moment they
have to do something, who keeps the line in the house, but also
when we are going to get into the means of transport. But all these
things diminish harmony, increase harmony and diminish the cries and scolding and despair of
parents and parents less tired of dealing with children who do not obey, are
parents who also have a willingness to want, to be close, to be
able to help, to be able to talk and live together and laugh together.
But, besides, the rules help tell the kids how to relate to
pleasure, because the rules exist to help stop the kids when they' re
doing something pleasant and we stop and we say this far, and when I
tell my son up here, what I' m teaching him is to dose
him pleasantly where he is to stop what he' s doing and it costs
him so much work to have, because he' s being so pleasurable that
what he goes on to do is not so pleasurable, it' s not
so pleasurable. Taking a bath, than playing video games, so I need
to put a rule to stop playing, but that' s more pleasurable than
what I' m asking you to do. Therefore, I need to exercise
authority, exercise the rule to stop him from playing the game and go swimming,
so that he stops talking. It is very pleasant and do the homework,
so that you stop playing and do the homework, so that you stop
sleeping and get up to go to school. All that time he has to
stop him to do something else that if he finds it pleasant, it does
not cost him any work. If I tell you, get up now because
we' re going to the fair and you' re going to get up
with more disposition than if I told you to get up because we' re
going to school. The rules exist to stop him pleasurable and do his homework.
That' s why there are rules. They are a necessary evil and
teach the child to relate to pleasure. When we do it systematically, little
by little, that becomes a habit. And when it becomes a habit,
mom and dad have to insist less for the child to do it, and
little by little the child is doing it almost naturally. One of the situations
that will very often happen to you with teenagers is that, as they try
to break the rules to find their own model, to follow their own identity,
their own operating scheme, but come from them, not from parents.
What they end up doing is that very often in family schedules, when they
' re all eating together, when they' re with Granny, suddenly your
whole son is going to let go of an idea that breaks with the values
of the house. If they' re a conventional family, suddenly your son
will say,' cause I don' t believe in marriage. I think
couples should go live together and pay everyone' s hair and temptation, that
is, where did you get that with who you' re hanging out with,
that he' s putting those ideas in your head, but what'
s wrong with you? But no, and then that' s the natural
impulse and what we should do is look. I find it very interesting what
you' re saying, but we talk about it later, because these are
schedules where your brothers are and we can talk about it later, or we
can say I' m very surprised what you' re saying. What makes
you think that way and use space to ask for arguments. Sometimes, when
we ask for arguments, kids say things like that, because getting married is
stupid Look. All I' m going to ask you is not to devalue
the ideas that other people have or that we have here in the family.
Use an argument without using a pejorative adjective, because that argument is useless.
I could also say that going to live together is stupid, but I'
m not going to say that, and then you explain the argument of why
you believe, what' s important if you marry, if you think so.
I' m setting an example where we' d be in a family
that thinks it' s important to marry for the civilian or that it'
s important to marry for the religious or whatever, no, what' s
the argument you think you don' t, and then we ask for that
helps kids think, argue, and just not just disqualify for an absurd rebellion.
There are guys who argue and argue well and who are arguing for fifteen
years and we' ll see what happens when the time comes. No,
he' s not going to live together at the time, he' s
not marrying at the time. We' ll see what happens later. They
are hardly in the rebellion of ideas. Don' t disqualify at that time.
Don' t tell him it' s someone else' s ideas,
because at that time it' s as much as offending them because in reality,
those are the ideas he' s playing with at the time, because
he' s doing thought rehearsals to see what he believes and how he believes
it and it' s worth leaving them ask for argument and that serves your
children also smaller to go thinking about what happens or how it happens and you
' re going to see that things change and that facilitates communication with them in
another way. If you disqualify, you can' t later say that you
can' t talk to a teenager if you initially shut down communication when we
' re talking about trust in partner relationships, it' s very important,
just like we used to talk about teenagers, we also question how we talk
to the couple when the couple makes a comment when the couple asks us something,
you disqualify argue or you only use it with you. You can'
t talk You' re crazy. You' re crazy, I can'
t believe you think like that and endless situations where you can put all that
level of topics, just like we put it in the previous segment with teenagers.
Many times we also do it in the couple relationship and that process is
important to take into consideration, because communication in the couple relationship often gets hurt.
Why do we look for more adjectives than questions related to a genuine interest,
to genuine curiosity, to try to understand where what the other person tells
us comes from? I' m surprised what you told me. I'
d like to understand what you mean by what I understand when you say this?
That' s what you told me, that' s what I'
m getting right what you wanted to say to me. You' re baffling
me for the moment. What do you mean when you say that? And
in that context we can go as a mirror to find out if what I
' m really being raised with, I' m getting it right, and
all that serves to be able to know what' s going on or whether
I' m keeping what I think you told me or actually, what you
wanted to say to me. And the longer the couple' s relationship goes
on, the more often this phenomenon occurs. I know what you meant so
don' t change it for me now. Not really. People really evolved
and what you wanted to tell me is really what I have to accept and
not what I think you wanted to tell me, because then we do some
couple conflicts where there really is more of my beliefs than what you actually wanted
to tell me and suddenly I show up cantiflas. But if we think about
it, there are many misunderstandings that lead to unnecessary conflicts. And with this
we arrived at the end of the program Chayo Contigo from Monday to Friday,
from one to two thirty sorcha I sought and this was Chayo Contigo Audio Center