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The opinions expressed by chayo busquets are
supported by their extensive experience as a family

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therapist and in the previous analysis of
the cases presented here welcome. This is

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chayo with you. In jewels.
We start very good afternoon to everyone as

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they are I am chayo buscatcho this
chayo with you and they have heard the

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phrase. Everything is according to the
color of the crystal with which you look

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yes true. Surely many of you
notice that we have a very strong belief,

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rather a tendency to believe very strongly
over and over again that the facts

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that are going on out there are
responsible for our state of mind. Says

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an author out there that I like
to read a lot. Rafael Santa Andreu,

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is a Spanish author who has several
books written, among them one that

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says that it is called the art
of making life bitter, which is a

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very nice book And he has another, which is the glasses of happiness,

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which is worth reading, because it
is very light to read. And he

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says this is always believing that our
stage of mind depends on the things that

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happen out there. It is a
factory defect that because many times we are

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continually assigning our stage of mind to
what happened, that such a person makes

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me miserable, that such a situation
makes me sad what, such circumstance makes

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me angry that And what it says
is that and what it goes to,

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and I agree with him that on
many occasions we are constantly putting our personal

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agenda, that is, the control
of who we are and how we move

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in life out there and that when
we do not become aware that we have

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to work in the personal control of
our emotions, we are going to end

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up doing things inappropriately and that it
will always lead us to be volumable.

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We all know people who are massive, people who are very changing in their

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mood. There are people who tell
me that that safe person is bipolar and

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not bipolarity is something else. Changing
moods for one day or from one moment

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to the next are people who can
be very sick, but it has to

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do with leaving our emotions in the
hands of others. The reality is that

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one can recognize that there are things
that we don' t like or that

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there are people that aren' t
more difficult, but that' s why

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it depends on my mood to change. That' s already something that would

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have to lead me to work on
what happens to me, because then you

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know that your happiness is constantly going
to be on the other. If you

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' re a thinking being, this
would have to sound ridiculous. You look

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into the hands of who' s
handling your emotions. Notice that, speaking

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of this, we would have to
ask ourselves what resilience is. I have

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often said that resilience and adaptation are
the same, but I was wrong.

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I' ve read a lot more
about resilience. I have studied it more,

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especially since the pandemic, and I
have discovered that, although they look

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like cousins, they share common points. Resilience has an additional advantage to adaptation.

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Adaptation and resilience have in common this
ability so that, when things change,

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we can fit into the situation and
have the best possible time, given

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the circumstance in which we are moving
or in which we are managing. And

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in that process let' s always
say that at the present moment, in

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which things settle, we end up
having a better time. But unlike the

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adaptation of resilience, what it says
is that you not only spend it better

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as you find yourself in that situation, but you go out stronger, learn

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something new and acquire new skills.
So it' s much better to end

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up resilient than to just adapt,
because adapting is to have the best possible

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time while that circumstance is there.
But when you come out of that circumstance,

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you' re the same as you
were before. You just floated in

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the water, but resilience taught you
how to swim and, therefore, you

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have better abilities to be. Then
you learned a new swim style, you

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swim faster and you have more physical
strength, you gained muscle. There are

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those who had the best time in
the pandemic given the circumstance, but when

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they came out of the pandemic,
they are the same as before. Those

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who were resilient developed new capabilities to
face adversity. And today the world does

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the errands and if there is an
adverse situation, they have much better skills

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to be able to face reality.
So it is worth teaching others, our

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children in particular, and ourselves how
to face life in different ways. So

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he teaches to be resilient. Taritron
ready for today' s segment prior to

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our Monday, on our twenty-
sixth Monday, where the full program will

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be, where we will talk about
these elements that tend to hurt partner relationships.

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And well, it' s going
to be a full program. But

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today I have a little question that
you' re probably going to say chayo

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to me. That question is for
full program. But at some point we

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will be dealing with a full program
with this. But you' re going

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to drop the bomb. I'
m gonna throw a bomb at you?

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I' m exactly going to throw
a bomb at you because look, it

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' s something that sometimes people use
as a synonym and I' m not

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sure it' s synonymous. And
you' re the expert on loyalty and

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fidelity. Yes, they are without
any in what was for me, yes

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in what is there, in the
outside world and in listening in men and

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women and in urban or agricultural contexts, etcetera. It' s not the

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same. There' s not the
same thing to see how I can put

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it to make it a little more
accessible. Not to see. One time

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a man told me it' s
if we talk about fidelity where it means

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that I' m not necessarily going
to have a physical exchange. Yes with

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someone else. I' m not
faithful, but I' m really everything

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to him. Loyal to my wife
and I say ah for help me to

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understand you for me internally go all
the smuses together. I' m very

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loyal to my wife. It is
all that has to do with our life,

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it has to do with home,
it has to do with travel,

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it has to do with the children, with ourselves, with us, with

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the relationship. Yeah, she'
s always first. Nobody takes his place

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and I don' t want to
fall where I don' t. It

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' s just that you' re
the cathedral and we have different parishes.

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Or no, no, no,
because also what happens is out there,

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how nice so I say and how
you do it there and tells me not

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this I do not disappear and I
am present. I' m with her.

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I defend, it is relevant and
the truth to me costs me a

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little bit of work, not constantly
to ask, because I still maybe do

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have them as merged or I have
them as together, but practice has taught

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me that it is not so.
So it' s hard for me,

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particularly to say good how we define
it, where it looks, where it

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manifests, where you learned it,
why it' s relevant to you to

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separate it. There' s a
moment where you want to put him together,

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there' s a moment where he' s fine. That' s

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how the other person gets it.
What an impact you think it has on

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your partner. If you haven'
t talked about it, it has thousands

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of avenues, no, but I' ve heard it many times. It

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' s not like saying. I
am loyal to my country, but that

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does not mean that I will visit
others where if there is an attack on

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Mexico, but yes, I can
go to visit the United States, Guatemala,

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etcetera. No and asking I don' t have it all figured out

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but I' d love to be
able to discuss it, that we can

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discuss it with you and me at
all and see what the answer is.

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Inside your listeners. We may have
a division. No, yes, he

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' s a female or a male. No, because so do women.

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The emotional part is very important to
us. Yeah, look, when I

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' m hearing you, I'
d think about what happens the moment they

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got into competition and that' s
where loyalty would be defined. I don

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' t remember a case ever in
the office where and I don' t

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know it' s making me think
about this thing that you' re raising,

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you' re making me think about
a gender issue and that' s

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where it leads me to think about
an education issue. So, because once

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a patient man, again that'
s why I' m thinking about gender,

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told me I didn' t have
the slightest doubt when being with the

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other woman, Not being not physically
at that time with the other woman,

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at the time when, having a
relationship with another woman, diagnosing the wife

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or a serious illness, had the
slightest doubt that that was the time to

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end the extramarital relationship, because it
was time to be loyal to his wife

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and there he didn' t hesitate. Despite telling me I had a lot

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of affection for this person because he
had been in relationship for more than a

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year. Marita affected him Yes,
she did. Yeah, I had it

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there. However, he told me
at that time it was clear to me

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that I could no longer be disloyal
to my wife. I couldn' t

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make it since then. Yeah,
it' s exactly disloyal. Then it

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came to an internal nilevel of it, where I say I can no longer

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exact continuous. So that' s
the level, level fifteen. Yeah,

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I can be between zero and fifteen, but from fifteen, fifteen and not

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super interesting. No. And there
and I don' t know if it

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has anything to do with an educational
process again how men and women are being

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educated. But there was a part
that I do not know if he would

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say of tolerable discomfort in the face
of the pleasure that was generated previously,

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but in the face of a circumstance
that already required a higher level of moral

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commitment, he did not say I
can no longer with that level of discomfort.

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And here I do require much more
commitment. And, therefore, this

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relationship has to end, because my
marriage relationship already requires another level of commitment.

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I can' t be here anymore
and you brought it to my mind,

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right now you' re talking to
me. This is not yes and

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it' s very interesting, but
again it' s about honestly, I

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' m not so clear about it
for I mean, I' m clear

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for myself, but I don'
t know for others. And then I

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ask if your wife was listening to
this conversation we' re having, what

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she' d say, what she' d say, what she' d

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feel and where it would take her
and if it would make a difference to

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her, what it does to him. No, but we' re going

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to launch it I propose, we' re going to launch it with a

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straightforward question to the public and we' re going to listen to the answers

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and we' re going to see
what there is to notice that we have

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a whatsapp that we used when it
comes to Women' s Day so that

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we can get audios anonymously with the
approaches. We' re going to launch

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it this time for this and we' re going to get the audios to

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tell us what they think and how
they live it, because I think it

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' s going to be a very
interesting experience and we' re going to

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do it with this approach and we' re going to listen, we'

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re going to hear what they think. I think it' s going to

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be a bomb party throwing this bomb
of loyalty and fidelity. And we'

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re going to throw it out so
much by asking men and asking women to

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send us their messages, because they
know perfectly well here that I' m

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talking to you, you don'
t judge and what we want is a

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learning that is evolving. Thank you, Tari To You, Thank you notice

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that in a house the rules that
you already know that I have an absolute

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love of the rules is because the
rules mean a lot of things within the

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context of a family. First it
is the basis of harmony in a house.

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The rules make it easy for us
not to shout, not to be

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deas sent attention, not to be
pointing out, not to despair that the

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boys respect each other, because if
the kids respect the order of things,

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if the kids respect that if I
grabbed this, I leave it in place

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again. Who gets what at what
time, who doesn' t stick that

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everyone knows who gets in first to
bathe who later, Who gets to go

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ahead, today in the car,
who accompanies, who in the moment they

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have to do something, who keeps
the line in the house, but also

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when we are going to get into
the means of transport. But all these

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things diminish harmony, increase harmony and
diminish the cries and scolding and despair of

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parents and parents less tired of dealing
with children who do not obey, are

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parents who also have a willingness to
want, to be close, to be

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able to help, to be able
to talk and live together and laugh together.

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But, besides, the rules help
tell the kids how to relate to

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pleasure, because the rules exist to
help stop the kids when they' re

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doing something pleasant and we stop and
we say this far, and when I

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tell my son up here, what
I' m teaching him is to dose

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him pleasantly where he is to stop
what he' s doing and it costs

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him so much work to have,
because he' s being so pleasurable that

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what he goes on to do is
not so pleasurable, it' s not

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so pleasurable. Taking a bath,
than playing video games, so I need

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to put a rule to stop playing, but that' s more pleasurable than

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what I' m asking you to
do. Therefore, I need to exercise

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authority, exercise the rule to stop
him from playing the game and go swimming,

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so that he stops talking. It
is very pleasant and do the homework,

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so that you stop playing and do
the homework, so that you stop

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sleeping and get up to go to
school. All that time he has to

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stop him to do something else that
if he finds it pleasant, it does

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not cost him any work. If
I tell you, get up now because

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we' re going to the fair
and you' re going to get up

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with more disposition than if I told
you to get up because we' re

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going to school. The rules exist
to stop him pleasurable and do his homework.

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That' s why there are rules. They are a necessary evil and

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teach the child to relate to pleasure. When we do it systematically, little

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by little, that becomes a habit. And when it becomes a habit,

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mom and dad have to insist less
for the child to do it, and

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little by little the child is doing
it almost naturally. One of the situations

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that will very often happen to you
with teenagers is that, as they try

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to break the rules to find their
own model, to follow their own identity,

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their own operating scheme, but come
from them, not from parents.

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What they end up doing is that
very often in family schedules, when they

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' re all eating together, when
they' re with Granny, suddenly your

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whole son is going to let go
of an idea that breaks with the values

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of the house. If they'
re a conventional family, suddenly your son

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will say,' cause I don' t believe in marriage. I think

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couples should go live together and pay
everyone' s hair and temptation, that

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is, where did you get that
with who you' re hanging out with,

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that he' s putting those ideas
in your head, but what'

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s wrong with you? But no, and then that' s the natural

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impulse and what we should do is
look. I find it very interesting what

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you' re saying, but we
talk about it later, because these are

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schedules where your brothers are and we
can talk about it later, or we

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can say I' m very surprised
what you' re saying. What makes

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you think that way and use space
to ask for arguments. Sometimes, when

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we ask for arguments, kids say
things like that, because getting married is

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stupid Look. All I' m
going to ask you is not to devalue

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the ideas that other people have or
that we have here in the family.

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Use an argument without using a pejorative
adjective, because that argument is useless.

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I could also say that going to
live together is stupid, but I'

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m not going to say that,
and then you explain the argument of why

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you believe, what' s important
if you marry, if you think so.

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I' m setting an example where
we' d be in a family

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that thinks it' s important to
marry for the civilian or that it'

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s important to marry for the religious
or whatever, no, what' s

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the argument you think you don'
t, and then we ask for that

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helps kids think, argue, and
just not just disqualify for an absurd rebellion.

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There are guys who argue and argue
well and who are arguing for fifteen

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years and we' ll see what
happens when the time comes. No,

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he' s not going to live
together at the time, he' s

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not marrying at the time. We' ll see what happens later. They

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are hardly in the rebellion of ideas. Don' t disqualify at that time.

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Don' t tell him it'
s someone else' s ideas,

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because at that time it' s
as much as offending them because in reality,

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those are the ideas he' s
playing with at the time, because

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he' s doing thought rehearsals to
see what he believes and how he believes

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it and it' s worth leaving
them ask for argument and that serves your

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children also smaller to go thinking about
what happens or how it happens and you

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' re going to see that things
change and that facilitates communication with them in

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another way. If you disqualify,
you can' t later say that you

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can' t talk to a teenager
if you initially shut down communication when we

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' re talking about trust in partner
relationships, it' s very important,

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just like we used to talk about
teenagers, we also question how we talk

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to the couple when the couple makes
a comment when the couple asks us something,

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you disqualify argue or you only use
it with you. You can'

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t talk You' re crazy.
You' re crazy, I can'

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t believe you think like that and
endless situations where you can put all that

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level of topics, just like we
put it in the previous segment with teenagers.

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Many times we also do it in
the couple relationship and that process is

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important to take into consideration, because
communication in the couple relationship often gets hurt.

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Why do we look for more adjectives
than questions related to a genuine interest,

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to genuine curiosity, to try to
understand where what the other person tells

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us comes from? I' m
surprised what you told me. I'

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d like to understand what you mean
by what I understand when you say this?

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That' s what you told me, that' s what I'

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m getting right what you wanted to
say to me. You' re baffling

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me for the moment. What do
you mean when you say that? And

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in that context we can go as
a mirror to find out if what I

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' m really being raised with,
I' m getting it right, and

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all that serves to be able to
know what' s going on or whether

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I' m keeping what I think
you told me or actually, what you

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wanted to say to me. And
the longer the couple' s relationship goes

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on, the more often this phenomenon
occurs. I know what you meant so

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don' t change it for me
now. Not really. People really evolved

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and what you wanted to tell me
is really what I have to accept and

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not what I think you wanted to
tell me, because then we do some

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couple conflicts where there really is more
of my beliefs than what you actually wanted

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to tell me and suddenly I show
up cantiflas. But if we think about

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it, there are many misunderstandings that
lead to unnecessary conflicts. And with this

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we arrived at the end of the
program Chayo Contigo from Monday to Friday,

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00:26:41.240 --> 00:26:47.359
from one to two thirty sorcha I
sought and this was Chayo Contigo Audio Center