WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:08.240 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the 3 00:00:08.240 --> 00:00:12.000 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 4 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:16.280 iHeartRadio App. Okay, let's talk about our love lives. Okay. I 5 00:00:16.359 --> 00:00:21.679 like to be touched, but only by people that I like. Okay, 6 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:25.960 So here's the thing. Some people like to be touched a lot. Some 7 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:30.280 people don't like to be touched very much. This is in general. Some 8 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:35.280 people like public displays of affection, others do not. Some people like to 9 00:00:35.280 --> 00:00:39.880 be touched in certain ways in certain places. Other people have different places and 10 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:45.280 different ways. In other words, we're all different when it comes to affection. 11 00:00:45.960 --> 00:00:50.560 However, a new term has cropped up on the TikTok. TikTok, 12 00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:55.039 the social arbiter of our time has come up with yet another phrase, and 13 00:00:55.119 --> 00:01:00.960 this is called the bristle reaction. The bristle re action, I guess somebody 14 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:03.760 did a video about it and I got one hundred and six million views. 15 00:01:03.760 --> 00:01:07.560 So now one hundred and six million people are thrown around this term. The 16 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:17.640 bristle reaction to describe flinching or tensing up when your partner unexpectedly hugs or kisses 17 00:01:17.680 --> 00:01:21.000 you. Okay, now I need to be clear. This is not a 18 00:01:21.040 --> 00:01:26.400 psychological term. This is not a psychological diagnosis. If I dug back into 19 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.040 some of the textbooks I read back in the day, we might use psychobabble 20 00:01:30.159 --> 00:01:38.040 like tactile defensiveness, tactile sensitivity, or tactile hyper sensitivity, these kinds of 21 00:01:38.079 --> 00:01:44.120 things. Maybe, just maybe, But the bristle reaction is not a thing. 22 00:01:44.359 --> 00:01:49.760 Okay, it's not a thing. However, there is this idea that 23 00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:57.040 every once in a while you bristle, you feel extrasensitive, you don't like 24 00:01:57.239 --> 00:02:01.120 a touch. Now, I want to be really clear year that it is 25 00:02:01.319 --> 00:02:07.879 always okay to not want to be touched, and you don't always need to 26 00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:13.240 provide a reason to your partner. My favorite saying was written to me in 27 00:02:13.280 --> 00:02:16.000 an email by one of my heroes, Glorious Steynham back of the day. 28 00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:20.120 She was talking about something else. She was talking about sexual harassment, but 29 00:02:20.199 --> 00:02:28.479 she said, everybody's rights stops at our skin. Think about that in the 30 00:02:28.520 --> 00:02:35.400 abortion debate. Everybody's rights stop at my skin. Okay, and so that 31 00:02:35.560 --> 00:02:39.080 also is touched. You don't actually have to give a reason. Now, 32 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:45.039 let's talk about the people who are more likely to have this so called bristle 33 00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:49.840 reaction, people who are neurodivergent. Right, there are some people who have 34 00:02:49.919 --> 00:02:54.639 all kinds of tactile sensitivity. One time I was chaperoning a field trip in 35 00:02:54.719 --> 00:03:00.199 like the fourth grade, and there was one boy undiagnosed but clearly on the 36 00:03:00.280 --> 00:03:04.400 spectrum. And my job as the parent was to count them when they got 37 00:03:04.439 --> 00:03:07.599 on the bus so that the teacher knew how many she had on that bus. 38 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:10.199 So as they went along, I tapped each gently on the shoulder, 39 00:03:10.599 --> 00:03:14.520 one, two, three, as I'm counting. As they're going up the 40 00:03:14.560 --> 00:03:19.080 stairs, I watched that kid get closer and closer in the line. I 41 00:03:19.159 --> 00:03:23.599 watched the terror on his face, and I watched him do this crazy deep 42 00:03:23.719 --> 00:03:28.360 dive around my hand so that he would not be touched. And I felt 43 00:03:28.439 --> 00:03:32.439 so bad afterwards. It broke my heart. I should have had the wherewithal 44 00:03:32.599 --> 00:03:36.639 to think, don't even tap a kid on the shoulder. You just don't 45 00:03:36.680 --> 00:03:39.120 know, right. As soft as it was a soft tap, it was 46 00:03:39.159 --> 00:03:44.840 a lovely tap. Okay, So people sometimes who are on the spectrum have 47 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:47.599 all kinds of physical sensitivities. My own daughter, when she was little, 48 00:03:47.599 --> 00:03:52.439 would scream, it's unconsfortable. It's unconsfortable. So she was two or three 49 00:03:52.520 --> 00:03:54.680 and she would say, and I don't like this fabric. It's terrible. 50 00:03:55.280 --> 00:04:01.599 Also, people who have experienced trauma as children, whether it was physical abuse 51 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:08.280 or sexual abuse, may have a quite a large startle effect when they don't 52 00:04:08.280 --> 00:04:11.680 expect to get a touch in a certain way. So we have to be 53 00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:15.120 understanding of this. However, if you've been in a relationship with your partner 54 00:04:15.160 --> 00:04:18.879 for some time and all of a sudden you notice yourself getting the so called 55 00:04:19.000 --> 00:04:24.319 bristle effect when they touch you, let's talk about what could be going on 56 00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:29.160 there. I've actually was in a relationship once that was like this. He 57 00:04:29.319 --> 00:04:35.600 was not affectionate at all with me except if you wanted sex. So therefore 58 00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:41.040 I couldn't get a free kiss or a hug unless I was going to quote 59 00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:46.279 unquote go all the way right. And so what happened is I would start 60 00:04:46.319 --> 00:04:49.319 to bristle when he would come with a hug because it felt like pressure, 61 00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:54.879 and I didn't like that pressure. Even though, hey, gentlemen, I 62 00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:57.680 want to say, if you're a single guy listening to this right now, 63 00:04:58.120 --> 00:05:00.519 please know this. If you're on a first or second or third date with 64 00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:06.279 a woman and she chooses to give you some affection hugs and kisses, she 65 00:05:06.360 --> 00:05:09.519 doesn't want to go any further. I mean, she might want to, 66 00:05:09.800 --> 00:05:13.800 but there's a very good chance that this is not an invitation for more. 67 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:17.399 Women love to just make out and that's it it ends for them at that 68 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:23.480 point. In fact, there's some research to show that women actually unconsciously get 69 00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:30.000 a lot of information about your genetic fitness through the taste of your salivah. 70 00:05:30.519 --> 00:05:32.759 We actually kiss to check you out. You brush your teeth before you go 71 00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:38.120 on that date. So please know that if a woman is kissing you and 72 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:42.720 hugging you and cuddling you, it doesn't This is not evidence that she wants 73 00:05:42.759 --> 00:05:46.160 more. Okay, So if you're in a relationship, if it's turned into 74 00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:50.680 pressure, then you've got to have a conversation about it. You've got to 75 00:05:50.720 --> 00:05:57.399 talk about I would like some affection that doesn't lead into something. Also, 76 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:00.279 if you're just somebody who just bristles, maybe you've had trauma or whatever, 77 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:08.720 scheduled time for affection scheduled time for skin to skin time and also be more 78 00:06:08.759 --> 00:06:13.199 clear about who's initiating sex when or what. Have a system so that you 79 00:06:13.319 --> 00:06:17.639 don't have this kind of so called burstle effect. By the way, when 80 00:06:17.639 --> 00:06:21.959 we are speaking about touch and affection and kissing and hugging, you know, 81 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:28.959 there's research on what goes on around the world in people's relationships. A new 82 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:32.040 research published in the peer review journal Scientific Report, so you know it's a 83 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:39.360 good one, looked at almost eight thousand people in thirty seven different countries. 84 00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:44.000 They had to be in a relationship in order to participate, and they filled 85 00:06:44.000 --> 00:06:46.600 out a questionnaire where they were asked two things. One how much you'll love 86 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:49.319 your partner, okay, on a scale of one to ten. How in 87 00:06:49.399 --> 00:06:54.079 love are you? It's a ten for me, Julio. I hope you're 88 00:06:54.120 --> 00:06:58.560 listening. It's a ten. I love you. But they were also shown 89 00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:03.959 pictures. I love the shown pictures of people embracing stroking, stroking not on 90 00:07:04.040 --> 00:07:11.240 genitals, just stroking, kissing, and hugging. Okay, I love that 91 00:07:11.279 --> 00:07:15.279 they showed pictures. And here's why people are confused about any sexual survey or 92 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:19.160 any affection survey, because if they haven't experienced it, or they call it 93 00:07:19.199 --> 00:07:23.560 by a different name. They might like some people say sex is kissing. 94 00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:26.000 It's a form of sex. It is, I guess, and so they 95 00:07:26.120 --> 00:07:27.959 say, did you have sex with that person? Yes? I did we 96 00:07:28.040 --> 00:07:30.720 kiss? Right? And so when you actually show pictures like did you do 97 00:07:30.800 --> 00:07:35.240 this with your partner in the last week. So they were actually able to 98 00:07:35.319 --> 00:07:41.160 figure out right through a percentage if it's one of the four behaviors twenty five 99 00:07:41.680 --> 00:07:45.120 two of the four fifty percent, three seventy five percent, all four behaviors 100 00:07:45.800 --> 00:07:48.480 embracing stroking, kissing, and hugging, that's one hundred percent. So then 101 00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:54.079 they were able to calculate the average value for all the participants in one country, 102 00:07:54.079 --> 00:07:59.399 and the scientists could come up with which countries are the most affectionate and 103 00:07:59.560 --> 00:08:05.160 which are the least affectionate. I was surprised by this data, and I 104 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.240 will tell you about it when we come back. You are listening to the 105 00:08:07.279 --> 00:08:11.639 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 106 00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:18.759 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 107 00:08:18.879 --> 00:08:24.040 forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six 108 00:08:24.120 --> 00:08:26.360 forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, we're talking about 109 00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:30.519 this study, a good research study, more than eight that almost eight thousand 110 00:08:30.560 --> 00:08:33.320 people in thirty seven countries. They asked them to look at pictures of people 111 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:37.399 embracing, stroking, kissing, and hugging, and they asked them how often 112 00:08:37.399 --> 00:08:39.960 they did those things with their partner in the last week. And they also 113 00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:41.879 asked them how much they loved their partner. And then they were able to 114 00:08:41.919 --> 00:08:48.279 do a country by country analysis basically, who's the most lovey dovey, who 115 00:08:48.360 --> 00:08:52.639 kisses the most, who hugs the most? Well, the number one country, 116 00:08:52.440 --> 00:08:54.759 No, I'm going to save the one to the last. How about 117 00:08:56.399 --> 00:08:58.639 United States comes in number four? Folks, that's pretty good. Actually, 118 00:08:58.679 --> 00:09:03.200 we hugging even in non sexual ways, in business, hug before meetings, 119 00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:05.639 whatever, huggers. COVID was hard on a lot of Americans because they couldn't 120 00:09:05.679 --> 00:09:09.399 hug right now, we have to ask consent. Remember we had a guest 121 00:09:09.399 --> 00:09:11.039 in the studio a couple of weeks ago and she goes, can I take 122 00:09:11.039 --> 00:09:13.840 a picture for Instagram? And I go, yes, are you comfortable? 123 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:16.000 If I put my hand on your shoulder, like you gotta ask, the 124 00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:20.639 conversations have completely changed changed. You gotta right, okay. Number three coming 125 00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:26.200 in number three was Kuba. Of course those they're dancing, Latin people who 126 00:09:26.240 --> 00:09:28.879 love each other. Of course they're hugging and kissing. Number two shocked the 127 00:09:28.919 --> 00:09:33.360 heck out of me. The country in the world who comes in second for 128 00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:39.279 the most amount of kissing and hugging Germany. Germany, I always thought that 129 00:09:39.679 --> 00:09:43.799 be like cold kind of no. Okay, and their neighbor right next door 130 00:09:43.840 --> 00:09:48.559 comes in number one. Austria. Oh, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Isn't he from 131 00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:52.200 Austria? He hugged Maria Shriver and then he hugged that housekeeper too much. 132 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:56.879 Oh, it's the whole thing. Okay, it happens, Okay. The 133 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:03.200 least affectionate countries number one China, Oh, Chinese people, you need to 134 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:09.879 hug more. The Netherlands and Ukraine. Oh, I just want to go 135 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:13.600 over and give them all a hug now they're in a war. Researchers also 136 00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:20.879 found there was a clear association between how much people said they loved their person 137 00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:26.080 and how much they touched their PERSONA da da da I always hug Julio every 138 00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:30.120 day, at least five times a day. And also we hold hands whenever 139 00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:31.840 we walk. We don't even think about it. We realize we've just switched 140 00:10:31.879 --> 00:10:35.519 our coffee to the other hand and we're holding hands. It's just something we 141 00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:41.559 do unconsciously because we like the touch. That's what I will say. All 142 00:10:41.639 --> 00:10:45.080 right, if you're in a new relationship, or if you're in the dating 143 00:10:45.159 --> 00:10:50.120 world, you may have a list of deal breakers. I want to say 144 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:56.120 very clearly that deal breakers are important and you do need a list because that 145 00:10:56.399 --> 00:11:01.720 list shows that you have boundaries. Right. However, I have noticed with 146 00:11:01.840 --> 00:11:05.080 people who ask me to help them make their dating profile or whatever, that 147 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:09.960 they have too many deal breakers, and deal breakers are so unfair to the 148 00:11:11.159 --> 00:11:16.399 individuals out there. They're really unfair expectations. They're asking too much of people, 149 00:11:16.799 --> 00:11:20.919 right. Are we asking for them to put us on a pedestal or 150 00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:24.399 bow down to us? Are we asking them to be this perfect person? 151 00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:28.080 I want to say this, you have a one hundred percent chance in your 152 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:33.600 life of never meeting a perfect person. They don't exist. In fact, 153 00:11:33.879 --> 00:11:37.480 I think when we go out on a first date. I did this with 154 00:11:37.600 --> 00:11:41.279 Julio actually, instead of saying I told him, Instead of saying how perfect 155 00:11:41.360 --> 00:11:46.279 we are and trying to sell each other to each other, why don't we 156 00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:50.519 talk about the one reason why we are undateable? And we told each other 157 00:11:50.679 --> 00:11:54.320 secrets like think we're a bit embarrassed about on the very first coffee date, 158 00:11:54.840 --> 00:12:00.399 and therefore we started to develop intimacy from the beginning. But I often say 159 00:12:00.440 --> 00:12:03.440 that people should go on first dates and kind of be like, all right, 160 00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:05.399 let me try to figure out what this person's craziness is and see if 161 00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:09.639 I get live with it, Because that's really what a healthy relationship is, 162 00:12:09.080 --> 00:12:13.360 knowing somebody doesn't match your perfect desires, your idea of a perfect person, 163 00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:18.480 and still knowing you can love them. Right. So, things that I 164 00:12:18.639 --> 00:12:22.360 used to put on my deal breaker list were a history of domestic violence, 165 00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:26.080 Like that's a good thing to have on your list, right. One time 166 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:30.320 I was out at a bar and I met Mike Tyson and he asked for 167 00:12:30.399 --> 00:12:31.919 my phone number years ago. I was young and hot, and I was 168 00:12:31.960 --> 00:12:37.440 like, m no, that's like well documented fighting. He gets paid to 169 00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:39.279 fight. He bit somebody's ear off, there was a rape thing he served 170 00:12:39.519 --> 00:12:43.879 tut no, no, no, no, No, it's not like people 171 00:12:43.960 --> 00:12:48.919 can't change, and I think Mike Tyson probably has changed. I just want 172 00:12:48.960 --> 00:12:54.320 to say that when we are under great stress, and at no other time 173 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:56.440 in our lives will be under greater stress than when we're in a fight, 174 00:12:56.559 --> 00:13:01.279 in a relation, in an intimate relationship, the tools that become available to 175 00:13:01.399 --> 00:13:07.440 people are often the weapons of their childhood. If they were Oh that's the 176 00:13:07.519 --> 00:13:11.879 other thing. If they suffered severe childhood abuse and they haven't done the healing 177 00:13:11.919 --> 00:13:16.320 work, they're still in a victim place or a blaming the world place. 178 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:20.519 That's a deal breaker for me. And then on the light side, I 179 00:13:20.600 --> 00:13:24.600 don't like people who don't tip well. When I'm on a first date. 180 00:13:24.039 --> 00:13:28.480 My little eye goes over when they're citing the checket. I try to see 181 00:13:28.519 --> 00:13:31.600 if they tipped well or not, because it's a big indicator. Listen, 182 00:13:31.879 --> 00:13:35.679 I happen to be a landlady. I know the laws very well. And 183 00:13:35.120 --> 00:13:39.279 also even if the laws weren't there, I would never discriminate against things like 184 00:13:41.200 --> 00:13:46.679 gender or sexual orientation or racer at religion or ethnicity like do right. But 185 00:13:46.799 --> 00:13:52.120 the one thing I can discriminate against is credit rating, because your credit rating 186 00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:54.679 doesn't say, if you're rich or poor necessarily, but what it does is 187 00:13:54.759 --> 00:14:01.600 it shows that you have mental health, that you have the psychological ability to 188 00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:07.240 take on risk, and you have the ability to be a good person, 189 00:14:07.480 --> 00:14:11.759 plan execute know that your rent is due, do it right well. I 190 00:14:11.879 --> 00:14:15.639 also think that when they tip well in a first date, they're trying to 191 00:14:15.720 --> 00:14:18.080 show that they care about the people no working people out there. Plus, 192 00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:22.639 I was a waitress for a lot of years, and I always feel that 193 00:14:22.759 --> 00:14:26.519 those twenty percent tippers make up for all the five percent or the ten percent 194 00:14:26.759 --> 00:14:31.200 or the no tippers. Right while we're on the topic of tipping, because 195 00:14:31.240 --> 00:14:35.519 I digress, but I do have to say this. I was happy that 196 00:14:35.679 --> 00:14:39.279 Starbucks finally added a thing where you can now if you're paying by credit card 197 00:14:39.360 --> 00:14:43.080 or the app, you can add a tip, which is fine. Lowest 198 00:14:43.080 --> 00:14:45.440 amount of tip is one dollar, by the way, so you can't add 199 00:14:45.480 --> 00:14:48.840 fifty cents. But now I notice every single fast food takeout where you're not 200 00:14:48.879 --> 00:14:52.159 actually getting service, they're asking you to pay for service. That thing comes 201 00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:54.399 up all the time when you put your credit card in the little machine, 202 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:58.480 how much would you like to tap? And some of them start at eighteen 203 00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:03.320 percent. Wait a place where there's no service. Why do I sound like 204 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:07.399 John and Ken complaining right now? But it's like, there's a place there, 205 00:15:07.440 --> 00:15:09.320 I'm not getting any service. I'm standing at the counter. You're giving 206 00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:13.240 me my food in a paper cup, and I'm carrying it to my table. 207 00:15:13.519 --> 00:15:16.639 So what am I paying for? And does it start at eighteen? 208 00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:20.720 Then they have twenty twenty five percent? Okay, well you generous people that 209 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:22.360 hit the twenty five percent button. I love you. I would like to 210 00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:26.000 date you, except to have a Julio you'd have to fight him, all 211 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:28.679 right, So deal breakers? Do you have a particular deal breaker? Caleb. 212 00:15:28.039 --> 00:15:31.759 I don't trust people that don't have any friends or family. That's another 213 00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:35.279 one, the lone wolves. Yeah, yeah, they need to have social 214 00:15:35.360 --> 00:15:37.600 support. So guys, if you want to impress women, just go out 215 00:15:37.600 --> 00:15:41.200 and get some friends. Do group dates. I like long term friends personally, 216 00:15:41.279 --> 00:15:43.200 Like you can't have all friends that you just met a week ago. 217 00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:45.720 I don't trust you. That's also an issue. Or too many friends, 218 00:15:45.759 --> 00:15:48.120 too many best friends. I don't know. I want to dated this guy 219 00:15:48.559 --> 00:15:50.480 and we had a bunch of dates and he was really great, and we 220 00:15:50.519 --> 00:15:52.240 started sleeping together. You know, cocooning, but hadn't met any of his 221 00:15:52.360 --> 00:15:56.399 friends. So then we started taking our relationship out into the real world and 222 00:15:56.519 --> 00:16:00.600 he invited me to some bar where he knew some friends were going to be 223 00:16:00.679 --> 00:16:04.840 in another social function, and I noticed his friends treated him bad and I 224 00:16:04.960 --> 00:16:08.879 was like, oh, he's not well liked. Yeah, it was a 225 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:11.679 big red flag. So anyway, all I want to say about deal breakers 226 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:15.360 is this, have a small list, don't make it too long, Please, 227 00:16:15.440 --> 00:16:18.279 don't make it too superficial. And ladies, I just have to add 228 00:16:18.360 --> 00:16:22.720 this, if male height and hair is top of your list, you're being 229 00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:27.279 superficial. That's like a guy saying she has to have big breasts, okay, 230 00:16:27.639 --> 00:16:30.200 and we don't like it when they say that, So why would you 231 00:16:30.279 --> 00:16:34.639 do that to them? There are so many amazing men who are height challenged, 232 00:16:36.519 --> 00:16:38.480 who maybe losing their hair. Julio has no hair anymore. He showed 233 00:16:38.480 --> 00:16:41.159 me a picture of him with hair when he was young, and I was 234 00:16:41.200 --> 00:16:42.639 like, ooh, I don't think I would have liked you then, but 235 00:16:42.879 --> 00:16:48.240 please open up your eyes. Respond to these guys on those dating apps. 236 00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:49.519 Please. I need to make out a plea for them, because they're such 237 00:16:49.600 --> 00:16:53.399 great guys and they will make great boyfriends and husbands. Okay, when we 238 00:16:53.440 --> 00:16:57.080 come back, I am going to be going to social media to answer some 239 00:16:57.200 --> 00:17:00.240 of your questions. If you would like to send me a question and just 240 00:17:00.279 --> 00:17:04.039 send me a DM on Instagram or TikTok and the handle is at doctor Wendy 241 00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:10.440 Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. My drive by Makeshift Relationship Advice is coming up 242 00:17:10.519 --> 00:17:12.279 next. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and k I I am 243 00:17:12.359 --> 00:17:17.880 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor 244 00:17:18.039 --> 00:17:22.079 Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor 245 00:17:22.119 --> 00:17:26.640 Wendy Walls Show at kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the 246 00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:30.559 iHeartRadio app. Well, this is the time of the show where I give 247 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:34.400 you some of my Auntie wisdom, my drive by makeshift relationship advice. Just 248 00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:38.440 a reminder, I am not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but 249 00:17:38.599 --> 00:17:41.799 I have been obsessed with the science of love for a few decades. I've 250 00:17:41.839 --> 00:17:47.799 written three books on relationships, The Boyfriend Test, The Girlfriend Test, and 251 00:17:47.920 --> 00:17:52.319 The Thirty Day Love d talks, and I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory. 252 00:17:52.799 --> 00:17:59.680 And I've had a lot of experience with relationships in my life because I 253 00:18:00.000 --> 00:18:03.680 had to learn the hard way. I had to overcome some of my early 254 00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:07.880 childhood trauma. I had to overcome some of my attachment anxiety to finally find 255 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:12.720 a secure relationship. So I have learned experientially. All right, let us 256 00:18:12.759 --> 00:18:15.880 go to social media. If you'd like to send in a question, just 257 00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.119 follow me on social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr 258 00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:23.720 Wendy Walsh. All right, dear doctor Wendy, How can I tell if 259 00:18:23.759 --> 00:18:29.359 I'm being verbally abused? I don't think my boyfriend knows the power of his 260 00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:33.880 words. He always calls me kayle am. I allowed to say this on 261 00:18:33.000 --> 00:18:40.319 air. Maybe we should just say dumb. Dumb another word for donkey, 262 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:45.440 Another word for donkey that starts with the letter A dumb. The kids are 263 00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:47.920 in the backseat going, what do you mean, mom? What do you 264 00:18:48.000 --> 00:18:52.079 mean? Anyway, he calls me this a dumb whatever, and he says 265 00:18:52.119 --> 00:18:56.079 it in a light, joking matter. It's just how he talks. But 266 00:18:56.319 --> 00:18:59.440 I think it's name calling and it's starting to have an effect on me. 267 00:19:00.519 --> 00:19:06.359 How interesting the question is? Am I being verbally abused? I want to 268 00:19:06.440 --> 00:19:11.039 say that people who have a kind of an insecure attachment style or less self 269 00:19:11.240 --> 00:19:15.920 esteem often ask questions like that, is this normal? Is this right? 270 00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:19.319 Is this happening? Where's my boundary? What's okay? What's not? And 271 00:19:19.480 --> 00:19:25.680 a lot of my job as an old auntie here is to say now, 272 00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:29.920 that's not okay, right? And I would say that about this too. 273 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:34.960 And I want to remind everybody if you have any friends, family lovers who 274 00:19:36.599 --> 00:19:41.559 make all those jokes, those sarcastic jokes or saying things, and then try 275 00:19:41.640 --> 00:19:44.759 to erase it by saying, how's this joking? Just kidding? No, 276 00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:49.359 no, no, there is a little bit of truth behind every single joke. 277 00:19:51.319 --> 00:19:57.559 Plenty of cruel people use humor as a way to hurt others. So 278 00:19:59.680 --> 00:20:03.880 verbal fully abused sure sounds like a big diagnosis. I don't want to say 279 00:20:03.880 --> 00:20:10.880 that. Why don't I just say that your boyfriend's behavior should be unacceptable to 280 00:20:10.960 --> 00:20:12.920 you and you should be able to say to him, I don't like it 281 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:15.480 when you make those jokes, and I don't like it when you call this, 282 00:20:15.799 --> 00:20:18.240 call me this. I'm gonna tell you a story. So when I 283 00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:22.240 was twenty, I had a big white Catholic wedding for my mother. I 284 00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:25.039 was living with my college boyfriend, and she stopped talking to me, and 285 00:20:25.720 --> 00:20:29.599 it was manipulative. It was wrong anyway, poor guy. I stuck it 286 00:20:29.680 --> 00:20:33.200 out for three years as his wife. During that time, he had a 287 00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:38.359 little nickname for me, which was pinhead, and whenever I would do something 288 00:20:38.880 --> 00:20:41.839 human a mistake, he got, oh, you're such a pinhead. Is 289 00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:45.839 such a pinhead, and that stuck. He said it over and over and 290 00:20:47.000 --> 00:20:52.279 over. I ended up leaving that relationship so resentful and actually wanting to prove 291 00:20:52.400 --> 00:20:57.160 to the world that I was smart, because somehow he liked to take advantage 292 00:20:57.359 --> 00:21:03.920 of normal young people's mistakes and ridicule me because of it. To this day, 293 00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:06.640 I'm going to track him down. I'm gonna find I'm gonna tell him 294 00:21:06.680 --> 00:21:08.759 I didn't like three years of being called a pinhead. So there you go. 295 00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:11.480 If he's calling you a dumb donkey, it's not okay, and you 296 00:21:11.559 --> 00:21:14.559 need to tell him. But I didn't have the words at the time. 297 00:21:14.599 --> 00:21:17.680 I didn't have doctor Wendy to call into and say, how do I get 298 00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:18.960 him to stop calling me a pinhead. Now I'd be like, dude, 299 00:21:19.440 --> 00:21:25.440 don't call me that. All right, let's move on. Dear doctor Wendy. 300 00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:30.880 Oh oh, I'm sorry. I think my relationship is failing. I'm 301 00:21:30.880 --> 00:21:33.720 feeling lonely all the time. I can't tell if we're in a low or 302 00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:38.240 it's over. We've been together for five years. He used to be my 303 00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:44.119 best friend, but now we barely talk. I don't even know what happened 304 00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:47.799 to cause this shift. What do I do? Well, I'm going to 305 00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:52.359 tell you a story about Julio and I. We actually, as we speak, 306 00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:55.119 are going through a little bit of a funk. Now, it has 307 00:21:55.160 --> 00:21:56.759 nothing to do with our relationship. Actually, it has to do with the 308 00:21:56.839 --> 00:22:02.480 fact that both of us have set its stressors in our life, and therefore, 309 00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:06.880 because we're busy attending to our own personal stress ors, we're not able 310 00:22:06.920 --> 00:22:10.200 to be the supportive partner to each other. And how I noticed this. 311 00:22:10.599 --> 00:22:14.279 The lucky thing for Julio is that he's in a relationship with doctor Wendy Walsh. 312 00:22:15.079 --> 00:22:18.200 What can I say? And so I noticed a last night we were 313 00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:22.440 out for sushi and I was saying a few things, and no matter what 314 00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:25.720 I said, he came back with something negative, and I thought, oh, 315 00:22:25.799 --> 00:22:27.319 was that interesting, And he even said sort of things to raise my 316 00:22:27.440 --> 00:22:30.359 fears. Well, you know, should be careful. I'm like, that's 317 00:22:30.519 --> 00:22:34.680 interesting. Usually he's my champion and my cheerleader. This is very weird. 318 00:22:36.039 --> 00:22:38.480 So instead of getting into it with him, I stepped back from the whole 319 00:22:38.559 --> 00:22:41.720 situation and looked at it and thought about it. Oh my god, he's 320 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:45.880 going through his stuff and I'm not being so supportive and he's not being so 321 00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:49.440 supportive. So I stopped everything and I said, wait a minute. I 322 00:22:49.640 --> 00:22:53.599 noticed something. You're being a little bit stappy. You're being snappy, and 323 00:22:53.640 --> 00:22:57.119 I'm being sensitive. I did it in that cute little voice too, and 324 00:22:57.240 --> 00:23:00.200 he's like, no, not, I'm just making the point. You know 325 00:23:00.240 --> 00:23:00.839 how they do, that's what they do. No, no, No, 326 00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:03.720 you're being a little snappy and I've been a little sensitive. I just want 327 00:23:03.720 --> 00:23:07.319 to tell you then, I love you and I support you, and I'm 328 00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:10.519 here for you, and this thing that you're going through is going to pass. 329 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:14.160 And then he said and I love you and I support you, and 330 00:23:14.240 --> 00:23:17.559 this thing you're going through is going to pass. And then everything was coomed 331 00:23:17.559 --> 00:23:21.440 by a again. All right, My point is This should be a model 332 00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:23.720 for you in your relationship. No, your relationship is not over. It's 333 00:23:23.759 --> 00:23:27.839 in a valley. It's been five years. You guys forgot to reach out 334 00:23:27.880 --> 00:23:32.920 to each other and exchange care emotionally when you need it. So what do 335 00:23:33.000 --> 00:23:36.920 you do? Talk to him about it? Say hey, I noticed we're 336 00:23:36.960 --> 00:23:41.240 getting a little distant and I miss you as my best friend. And if 337 00:23:41.279 --> 00:23:45.079 they're not responding and don't want to participate and don't want to have emotional intimacy, 338 00:23:45.279 --> 00:23:48.400 then you need to get a marriage and family therapist to work with it. 339 00:23:48.680 --> 00:23:51.599 So, no, it's not over. But I'm sorry you're feeling lonely 340 00:23:51.640 --> 00:23:55.160 in your relationship. It's not a good feeling. All right, Do you 341 00:23:55.200 --> 00:23:56.920 have time for one more Caleb before we go to break? Now, that's 342 00:23:56.920 --> 00:24:03.440 gonna break. I'm gonna bring I'm going oh okay, Oh somebody, I'll 343 00:24:03.480 --> 00:24:07.640 just tell you what's coming up. Somebody had a bunch of backstabbers in her 344 00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:14.039 life. Somebody else is dating a recovering alcoholic, and someone else says is 345 00:24:14.039 --> 00:24:17.440 asking me if love is enough? Oh, let us talk about this when 346 00:24:17.480 --> 00:24:19.519 we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf 347 00:24:19.640 --> 00:24:23.680 I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Accum you're listening to 348 00:24:25.039 --> 00:24:30.039 Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to 349 00:24:30.119 --> 00:24:33.240 the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty KA. 350 00:24:33.319 --> 00:24:37.599 I got on such long tangents today that I only got to the social 351 00:24:37.680 --> 00:24:41.000 media questions at the very end of the show. Crazy right, Better late 352 00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:44.880 than never, better late than ever. Listen. If you do not follow 353 00:24:44.920 --> 00:24:45.960 me on social media, you need to come to the party, Okay, 354 00:24:47.240 --> 00:24:51.599 at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh, TikTok Instagram, YouTube as well. 355 00:24:51.680 --> 00:24:53.319 Come onto my Patreon. We do a live zoom room on Wednesday nights 356 00:24:53.359 --> 00:24:56.039 at six thirty. A lot of KFI listeners there. It's great, great 357 00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:00.640 chat. It's not therapy or anything. We just talk about all kinds of 358 00:25:00.680 --> 00:25:03.839 issues of the day and the science of love. And that's patreon dot com 359 00:25:03.960 --> 00:25:07.839 slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, let me get to your dms and give 360 00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:14.279 you my drive by makeshift relationship advice. Dear doctor Wendy, I have had 361 00:25:14.480 --> 00:25:18.319 a rough childhood. I'm sorry so many people have I've been stabbed in the 362 00:25:18.359 --> 00:25:23.039 back by people I really trusted. Hopefully that's a metaphor. It has caused 363 00:25:23.079 --> 00:25:26.480 me to have trust issues. I'm now in my late thirties and I find 364 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:32.079 myself alone. I have no friends or love, and I'm so guarded. 365 00:25:32.720 --> 00:25:38.920 How do I heal? Okay, this is probably the best example of somebody 366 00:25:38.960 --> 00:25:45.440 who needs to reach out to a licensed therapist because in therapy you can heal 367 00:25:45.559 --> 00:25:48.559 and work through the issues of your you call it a rough childhood, whatever 368 00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:55.319 trauma happen to you. But also you can practice relationship skills. Your therapist 369 00:25:55.400 --> 00:26:00.519 will teach you emotional language for words, you will find way to grow. 370 00:26:00.640 --> 00:26:03.000 I mean, I can't tell you I've been in and out of therapy for 371 00:26:03.079 --> 00:26:07.920 eighteen years. It has been the best money I ever spent in my life. 372 00:26:07.279 --> 00:26:11.119 I literally carry my therapist voice in my head when I'm in all kinds 373 00:26:11.160 --> 00:26:14.559 of situations. I'm like, oh, would she say I should do here? 374 00:26:14.680 --> 00:26:19.079 Right? And she helped me process my feeling so well that I process 375 00:26:19.160 --> 00:26:22.920 them on my own. Now when bad stuff happens, I'm like, I 376 00:26:22.119 --> 00:26:27.160 hear her voice going, you know this is just this time or it sounds 377 00:26:27.200 --> 00:26:30.079 like you're feeling threatened, but I don't think there's that much of a threat 378 00:26:30.160 --> 00:26:33.519 here. It probably has to do with your childhood, right. It helps 379 00:26:33.559 --> 00:26:38.200 you separate things, So please please please reach out to a licensed therapist. 380 00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:42.559 You can start with your family physician for a referral. Call your insurance company 381 00:26:42.640 --> 00:26:47.759 see what they cover. If you don't have much money to cover the costs 382 00:26:47.799 --> 00:26:51.640 of private stuff, reach out to any university that has a graduate program at 383 00:26:51.640 --> 00:26:55.960 a counseling center because they always have PhD. I mean, people finish their 384 00:26:56.000 --> 00:27:00.559 PhD who are earning their hours toward licensure and their supervised so you get two 385 00:27:00.640 --> 00:27:04.119 eyes of people on your case. So please reach out and give yourself this 386 00:27:04.319 --> 00:27:11.240 gift. Dear doctor, Wendy writes this person, I'm dating a former alcoholic. 387 00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:14.799 He's six months clean and I'm so proud of him, but I just 388 00:27:14.920 --> 00:27:18.960 feel like I have replaced alcohol. He now seems addicted to me. Oh 389 00:27:18.559 --> 00:27:22.680 he wants me around twenty four seven and wants me to text with him and 390 00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:26.039 call him all day long. Oh oh, I want to distance myself, 391 00:27:26.079 --> 00:27:27.720 but I don't want him to relapse. Okay, if you want to keep 392 00:27:27.880 --> 00:27:33.160 relationship with this person. You need to go to Alanon seriously because you'll become 393 00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:37.720 an enabler. You've already just saying that sentence like I want to distance myself, 394 00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:40.759 but I don't want him to relapse, means that you are now taking 395 00:27:40.799 --> 00:27:45.839 responsibility for his drinking behavior. Right, His drinking behavior and his recovery is 396 00:27:45.880 --> 00:27:48.200 for him to deal with. Okay, it's not your job to heal him, 397 00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:52.640 not your job to do anything. But also, you know, in 398 00:27:52.759 --> 00:27:56.279 alcoholics anonymous, they tell them not to have a romantic relationship or at least 399 00:27:56.519 --> 00:28:02.240 until after a year of sobriety, because it takes that long to really heal. 400 00:28:02.640 --> 00:28:06.839 So there is a good chance that as you're reporting, he's becoming addicted 401 00:28:06.880 --> 00:28:12.599 to you now, right, So I really really really encourage you to please 402 00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:18.720 go to Alanon, talk to him about this. Set your own boundaries. 403 00:28:18.119 --> 00:28:22.640 Your job should be to think about yourself and your needs and to set up 404 00:28:22.680 --> 00:28:27.240 your boundaries. And yeah, not be thinking of it. You're not responsible 405 00:28:27.279 --> 00:28:32.200 for his drinking or not not your job, all right, Dear doctor Wendy, 406 00:28:33.720 --> 00:28:36.799 is love enough? Oh? What a big question. I've been with 407 00:28:36.920 --> 00:28:40.039 my partner for thirteen years. We're growing further and further apart. What is 408 00:28:40.079 --> 00:28:45.920 happening with everybody falling further apart? Is love enough to hold it together? 409 00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:48.799 Oh, let's talk about what love is. So at the beginning of a 410 00:28:48.880 --> 00:28:52.359 relationship, love is a cocktail of neural hormones that create lust, that make 411 00:28:52.519 --> 00:28:56.079 you want to be with the person all the time, be drawn to them. 412 00:28:56.519 --> 00:29:00.880 After love starts to evolve into an intellectual kind of commitment love, you 413 00:29:00.960 --> 00:29:03.519 do a cost benefit analysis and you say, here they're good points, here 414 00:29:03.559 --> 00:29:06.359 they're bad points. I can live with this. I can't live with this. 415 00:29:06.440 --> 00:29:07.240 It's a I can make it. This is going to be fine. 416 00:29:07.279 --> 00:29:11.839 I am making a decision. Love is a decision to make a commitment to 417 00:29:12.000 --> 00:29:17.160 somebody. So it starts out with an illusion, a wonderful, delicious delusion, 418 00:29:17.839 --> 00:29:22.279 those neural hormones of lust and attraction, and then it goes into intellectual 419 00:29:22.359 --> 00:29:26.480 commitment, and then it goes into the daily work of love. It doesn't 420 00:29:26.599 --> 00:29:33.160 go on autopilot. This idea that because you loved someone, once you've made 421 00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:36.599 a commitment to them, that everything will be hunky dory and you don't have 422 00:29:36.640 --> 00:29:40.640 to do any more work is crazy. Love is about work, but it's 423 00:29:40.720 --> 00:29:44.880 joyful work. It's about showing gratitude to your lover. It's about giving affection 424 00:29:44.960 --> 00:29:48.200 to your lover. It's about expressing to your lover what your needs are. 425 00:29:48.599 --> 00:29:52.680 It's about talking about your future goals together that may change all the time as 426 00:29:52.720 --> 00:29:57.160 you grow as individuals. This is the work of intimacy. This is the 427 00:29:57.240 --> 00:30:02.880 work of love. Love isn't a feeling that's just going to carry you along. 428 00:30:03.839 --> 00:30:10.519 Love is about seeing that person as an individual and understanding them and watching 429 00:30:10.599 --> 00:30:15.640 them grow, and also showing your partner who you are and who you've become, 430 00:30:15.000 --> 00:30:19.359 and continuing to invest in the relationship. Giving an investment of time, 431 00:30:21.079 --> 00:30:26.200 giving an investment of care, giving an investment of affection, giving an investment 432 00:30:26.279 --> 00:30:33.559 maybe financially. Giving an investment into your relationship is what helps love last. 433 00:30:34.279 --> 00:30:41.920 It doesn't happen on its own. I'll tell you this. I've spent oh 434 00:30:42.039 --> 00:30:47.640 gosh, three decades and i continue to read about the science of love, 435 00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:52.279 and I'm always amazed because new generation of lovers are coming on board every year. 436 00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:56.720 How people understand so little about this. They think of love as a 437 00:30:56.839 --> 00:31:00.519 mystery, They think of love as a magical spell. Love can actually be 438 00:31:00.680 --> 00:31:04.519 broken down into a very clear, hard science. And it doesn't mean People 439 00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:07.079 say to me, well, since you know so much about love, does 440 00:31:07.119 --> 00:31:10.440 that mean you don't feel it. No, I feel it too, but 441 00:31:10.559 --> 00:31:11.839 I also watch it. I go, Oh, that's what this is. 442 00:31:12.240 --> 00:31:15.960 This is just a feeling of lust and attraction. Oh, this is that 443 00:31:15.079 --> 00:31:18.240 delusion where I think the person's perfect. Oh, this is where I feel 444 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:22.480 like all is lost because I realize they're not perfect. Oh, this is 445 00:31:22.519 --> 00:31:26.880 me making a commitment to love, just like the textbooks say. This is 446 00:31:26.000 --> 00:31:30.720 me Rick recognizing that we're in a little valley right now, so I've got 447 00:31:30.839 --> 00:31:33.720 to invest more in the relationship at this time. You see, I feel 448 00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:37.880 it and I do it, but I also watch it and I do it 449 00:31:37.960 --> 00:31:41.839 for you two. It is my honor to weigh in on your love lives 450 00:31:41.960 --> 00:31:45.960 every week here on kaya Fhi. I've been here nine years now. It 451 00:31:45.119 --> 00:31:48.400 is my pleasure. What are we going to do for the tenth anniversary, 452 00:31:48.480 --> 00:31:51.359 Kayla? We should come up with something, definitely, something huge to a 453 00:31:51.519 --> 00:31:56.920 party. Yeah. Anyway, have a wonderful week. I'd love to see 454 00:31:56.920 --> 00:31:59.880 on my Patreon zoom room on Wednesday night. Just go to patreon dot com. 455 00:32:00.039 --> 00:32:02.559 Slash doctor Wendy Walsh follow me on my social media at doctor Wendy Walsh 456 00:32:02.640 --> 00:32:08.440 post videos all the time, but I'm always here for you on KFI Am 457 00:32:08.519 --> 00:32:13.880 six forty every Sunday night from seven to nine pm. We'll see you next 458 00:32:13.920 --> 00:32:17.759 week. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always hear us 459 00:32:17.799 --> 00:32:22.599 live on kf I Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and 460 00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:24.559 anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.