Oh, Tom, you know what. I love my friend, but I
love a part two of a podcast where we've all the heavy lifting done in
the first one, and now that people come along for the part two,
we can just be like, yeah, you know what you're here for.
Yeah, yeah, there's no gid up go, there's no explaining ourselves,
there's no nothing. Then, Plus what we ate nine episodes into this series,
so at this stage people would have gone, Okay, we know the
Craig, we know the Craig. They're on this train. I are not.
This is keep it between the ditches Part two, part ladies and gentlemen's
and our non binary friends. Indeed, you're all very welcome to the Tom
and Jerry Show, where Tom is going to be bringing us through even more
of the mysteries of the motor car, including Tom. I'm hoping why fucking
wiper blades are sixty fucking euro for some reason? Yes, I hope that's
number one on the agenda because I remember them things literally, it's a swear
to god. It is the next right, Yeah, it's right there,
Yes, I got it here. I'm fucking pre empty gym. Sorry,
pably, he's ahead of anybody, but that's a particular fucking bug bear of
mine, just for the small few people who have jumped into this one accidentally,
because that can happen. You can end up with, you know,
in the Two Towers or Turn of the King and all that, and go
what the fuck and then you're supposed to watch the Hobbit and fucking pre remember
stuff. Look at just in case you every kid's comic book is some kids
force comic book Stanley. Yeah. Yeah, So if you ended up here
and you didn't go back to quickly recap or you kind of listen to it
quickly and you went and you give it a week or two. In between,
we went mostly through the basics of tire. Tires are so important.
We went the idea of that. We went through the changing of oil seemed
to be a big one, but that is a big that's a big moment.
And maintain your your car, I mean, aside from the the other
usual products that burn up on your car. That's a that's a very very
important one for maintain your engine. And if yours finding oil or iron filings,
metal filings, and you're in watchings because well you haven't been looking after
your oil. Simple as that if I gotta tell you something, Tom,
since you brought us through the principles of oil changing and showed us just how
absolutely easy and cost effective it is to change your oil. Since you taught
me that last week. Mm hmm, I've seriously considered it. But that's
people. You have no idea how big of a thing that is. Because
for Jerry too seriously consider something, he probably will go and do it.
But if Jerry just is impressed by something, he'll still hand it over to
a professional. You know what I mean. He's oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted. I wanted to try your
method of change and tires so much. I near you went out and slash
my own tires, Tom, just to have something to change. I didn't
quite get there yet. Yeah, I know, I get it, I
get it. But look at we went. What we are doing in this
episode same as we did in the last one. It's I'm not I ain't
no rocket surgeon, nor I'm not your mechanic, And I will tell you
the things that you should most definitely go to your mechanic for break pads.
Don't try and learn how to just take the mechanic. There are certain things
you just won't be able to tackle yourself, or I wouldn't suggest you tackling
yourself. These are just things to just keep your keep yourself sharp, to
make sure that you can't. You're not the bollocks who's clipped into a peer
or broken down the motorway when I just don't know what happened, because chances
are it was happening in a while out almost nothing in the car by itself
would happen suddenly, do you know what I mean it? You know you're
gonna throw another saying in here, Tom, it's better to prevent a thing
than it is to try and cure it. So yeah, you know,
you can make sure your car doesn't break down on the side of the road,
and it's the hell of a lot better than trying to fix it on
the side of the road. Well fifty, you don't wake up with gout,
you know what I mean? You know suddenly, you know, come
off a fucking ultramarthon and have gout you know, or have been just a
really good, well maintained person and go Now I've got fucking you know,
my tone needs to come off because I've just been eating too much fucking show.
No, you haven't been maintained yourself. I'm not telling you how to
maintain yourself. I don't give a fuck. I'd have more time for maintain
your car. Yeah, so onward into it and form the day Tom.
So I'm gonna fucking learn some ship here, buddy, you are in the
rare from I can tell by you you've got a head of a man for
learning. Here's one I tell you, and I'm only I'm only a recent
convert and I never mentioned it should it would fall under the tire category that
I didn't say last week it was I found a tremendous help is an electric
pump for your tires going through? Oh yeah, okay, go hit he
has been a tom And then I'll hit you with like what ifs Well,
here's the thing, like you have one, like it's always good to have
it in the boot right now. You could have a slow puncture. You're
on a country road, there's no petro station, it's four o'clock in the
morning, and you're going, fuck that. That tire feels a bit fucking
spongy. You give it a pump, maybe take it over the twenty six
PSI, like I told you where you'll find how much pressure to put into
your car. It give it to you in ba ar bar, or'll give
you in psi. You could have twenty eight psi on the front because of
the heavy engine, you know, twenty six on the back. Maybe take
it to thirty just to get you over the line down the road A small
but yeah, you shouldn't really be in that position. But what I'm saying
is it's no harm in having benda. Just if you have cut yourself.
I'm not saying you should be fucking going out of their cut yourself boat.
It's the same thing, no harm to have one. Maybe the car set
up for a while after the fucking you can hold this parked in the airport
to come back and fucking one of the tires that you didn't know how to
slow punctu or you drove over something. You come back and you're like,
oh, for fox sake that twenty six quid that you gave for that fucking
thing. You can find a menality, you can get them online. Yeah,
you plug it into still the cigarette, yes, probably a cigarette later.
Yeah. I U's the thing with Tom, like you know, I
I don't know if anybody still lights a cigarette off the cigarette lader or is
that just like our gateway to charge on your phone? And you're fucking yeah,
I don't. I can't see who else like used to be. I'd
be hard stuck. But I mean they haven't gotten rid of them so and
they haven't taken the little fag symblem off the fucking thing, so somebody's still
lighting. I'd love to light a big cigar off one. Do you know,
not a fag but a big cuban. I know, I know.
I think Eric Carr has like there's no cigarette light or bit that comes out
of it, but the port is there with like a little cap over it.
And I'll tell you what's better again, Tom, here's one in the
boot as well. Yeah. Oh they're a gift. I want to know.
Oh I've won in the boot. I'll tell you now, Jerry,
I had a land cruise of years ago that the guy before me had fitted
with an air compressor, a powerful air compressor inside the engine to run off
the engine. Yeah, he'd fitted farmers. Farmers used to do it years
ago, and then of course it went out of fashion. I don't know
why, because loads and loads of tools run off air compressors, loads of
to my I'd imagine, in the words of Frank the Tank in old school,
there's no way this is street legal time. I guess maybe, but
I don't know. I guess now, with maybe twelve volt outlets all over
the fucking car, maybe you could plug in a half decent. I don't
know. For the For the gear heads out there, if you've got an
air compressor built into the engine of your car that you did yourself, let
us know in the comments. But these were all I remember guys doing that
in the indie. But these were tastely, tastefully done, like a nice
neat little tank inside there. And you know what it's. It sounds like
it sounds like fast and the furious time, like the nose tanks wired up
to the engine you're looking at. You're like, oh my god, is
that a NOZ tank wired up to your land cruiser engine? That it's a
fucking air compressor for blowing up paddling pools and ship I don't know what I
know. I know that's that's you after running air wrench off. But yeah,
you can run it off, the air compressor, would you. I
tell you one thing, that little air pump. You will find a bunch
of uses for it because the nozzles do fitted for pumping up the kids pool,
pumping up the kids, the boys first bike. We put it together
the other day. He was chuffed the bit we ran it off off the
air the are you got it? A cigarette light? It was perfect.
I hadn't driven my land Rover in three months. Putting our back on the
road soon pumped the tires tube had gone down, cranked them up, cranked
it up and they're big old tires. There's a lot of air to go
into those fucking things. Cranked it up in forty five seconds. It's like
this thing sweating, no sweating. It has a little for actually blowing out
the dust out of the Oh it's just nice. Twenty six quid, twenty
six quid and and you know what, it goes wrapped up perfect and goes
back into the pack every time. Perfect. You know. Round about now,
Tom, if we had affiliates, we'll be saying, and you can
use the Toma Jerry cool, Yeah, and g to get ten percent off
whatever the fuck this thing is. Bell make a good one, Bell,
make a good one. But you listen, they ain't a whole pilot components
to it. Once you mind it, and you're like, you're not gonna
be using it commercially, your years of once in a blue moon, but
that blue moon time you use it, you'll be so fucking glad you had
it. Now, did you ever have a Did you ever have drink a
beer with a slice of orange in the tom? Oh? I certainly did.
I certainly did. I was partial to a blue moon back in the
al moon. Yeah, now here, Okay, that's enough shite talk.
Let's show me how to drive a car here, tom for it. Anyway,
moving on to what you came up with. You first questioned was wiper
blades. And I wrote this down, right, I wrote this down.
There's certain things I wrote down, like when I was fucking I was writing
this down gone, So there's no point in writing this fucking thing down.
But everybody knows when I wracked my brain going, I was in and auto
mechanics and I see people drown, ask people pulling in and paying the man
to put fucking wipers and he taking money off them, He taking money off
him to put fucking wipers on the car. You're like, what in the
fuck? Now, look the literally the instructions. It has gotten so easy
now Once you do it once, you'll do it the same forever. Before
you had to fucking unpinch this show, clip back that fucking yoke. These
days it's literally flip a switch forward. You got a little hooked fucking bar,
some of them, even on Volkswagen, it's just a shlap on a
big fucking It's like a big lump of licorice. You just it's the easiest
thing in the world to clip on a clip off. Take your time,
do it yourself, and take some fucking pride in it. Now your question
as to why they're not fucking six quid anymore, they're just fucking not.
And here's the thing. If you do a lot of fucking driving, don't
pay more than Look, you're gonna pay twenty two, probably because their different
size is gonna pay twenty two and twenty seven. So you're gonna be up
there. You pay for the fucking rear one, you're gonna be into the
sixties. Mind them, fucking madness, But mind them, Jerry. The
problem is people don't fucking mind. I'm just I get you, I get
you. But here's you, Tom, I'm just mad. No, I
get it. The bosh ones, they're fucking good. They are good.
Like when you hit you hit heavy rain, there's nothing to shift this ship,
and they leave a nice, fucking clean wind screen. Look, I'm
just telling you, I'll give a shit if you're driving a piece of fucking
rust. If you get a decent one, fucking mind it, and how
you mind it. If you have shit all over your fucking wind screen,
Make sure you get that, because I've seen people just throw on the fucking
wipers and big dusty old wind screens and all that stuff, because these things
are so fine, they're just scraping it off the worst of the whole lot.
You see the poor cun sitting in first thing in the morning and he's
left the wipers on from the night before, but it's frozen over fucking night,
and now he's got a fucking sheet of fucking rice Krispy fucking cake all
over his windscreen and the wipers just and that's your wipe. You may catch
him and fuck him straight in over the ditch. They're fucked, they're fucked,
and that's it. Go out and get new wipers immediately. You fucked
them. So if i'm if I'm hearing your I'm hearing your advice here correctly,
Tom, it's that you favor not having a dry wipe exactly. You
want to you want to moisten the lubricated wipe. Just hear I hear your
brother, You hear it. Yeah, you know what you know what I
well ahead, Yeah here, you knew I was. I was that way
inclined anyway. You know you don't get enough, you don't you know,
you cross a certain age and you don't have enough fiber in your diet.
The days of having a fucking dry wipe or behind you. Here's the thing,
do you ever shave? Just just walk into the bathroom, just pick
up a rais and just slap it to your face, drunk, dragging ship
across your face. No, you fucking don't you fucking grease the wheel some
bit to get that you You read my mind, Tom, because I was
gonna say, wiper blades are very like razor blades. Again, I'm not
doing a bit here, wiper blades like rais of blades. I'm not.
I'm not being that. No stays behind me, Tom, don't drag me
back, all right, but you know you know when you need to change
them, and it's usually after you probably should have fucking changed them. And
also, just like razor blades, wiper blades are expensive because what the fuck
else are you going to do? What are you gonna do? Yeah,
are you gonna make them? Are you gonna chew rubber and ship them?
No, you're not. You have to buy them, so you have to
buy them off. Also, if you want to buy, you let razor
blades to go on your Mac three razor, You're gonna pay what we ask
you for them. These look, these are the simple things that I've learned
the hard way down the line where you're dragging that fucking cold, cheap bag
across your face and you walk out of the house and your fucking head is
glowing like maybe if I just didn't have I don't know, a packet of
crisps twice, you know, three times in the week. Yeah, you
get the and you'll be you'll be happier, trust me, you'll be happier
in the fucking long run. It's the same with the blades, and just
fucking mind them. Know every time you fucking turn on the car, know
how much the fucking things cost you? Yeah, I get I guess like
you know, Okay, I guess before before I wipe the you know,
turn them on when it's raining, and I guess, okay, the windscreens
wet and glides over that hand here. But if you just turn them on
on a dirty window, give it a little first, little squirt. I
mean it sounds like such simple advice, Tom, but I'm telling you,
these things are crossing sixty euro fucking front and back. See, you may
as well try and get to use them. What that and the ice one
is the most hilarious. Just drag it across a far fox sake, would
you ever go in that? No? No good, Why the fuck it?
It's just it sounds simplicitic, But look, don't then The number one
thing is do not fucking pay somebody to do them. Don't pay. That's
yeah, the mystery is not there. Like there's no mystery. Look at
the back of the pack. Take your time and you'll get it. And
once you do it once on your car, you'll do it with your fucking
eyes closed. The next time. You can't fuck it up. You just
gotta you gotta get in there and get deep into that nook. That is
the one time. Yeah, Because they're the things are gonna cost you sixty
quid and some lady's going to charge your fucking twenty five quid to do it,
and it takes two seconds. Same go okay, same goes with headlights,
Same goes with headlights, does not go. Headlights Now I can change
I can change wiper blades, I suppose, But headlights are a mystery.
Look again, it's a take your time thing. Now look all the way
across the board. No, you're right, there are some cars like my
own. My own. Opal is an absolute fucking dickhead, an absolute fucking
dickhead to get the fucking ball about it. I mean, you wouldn't fucking
believe the fucking the fuckery that went on to this. These little fucking grub
screw nuts with like hext seven hex fucking sevens like only I have the fucking
tools to take the fucking thing out. These should just reach in one hand,
flip back the little open, twist them out. I have. I
have convoluted fucking ship that does go on. That is maddening because I used
to drive a car I think it was a pont or some such where to
change the headlights. If one might went in and you squeezed a little what
do you call the round clip. It's not a sort clip, but it's
not not a cirtclip either. Yeah yeah, yeah yeah, rubber bunch of
clip. So it's like it's like a bulldog clip that would hold a bunch
of papers again all intents and purposes. And you squeeze that and the whole
thing about came out the housing with the ball be in it. And you
took the ball about put in your ballbin and you put it back in.
That's fine. You attempt to do that on the car I'm driving right now,
Tom, and it's turned this a quarter circle left, pulled back a
quarter inch turn a quarter circle left, rotate nights Indiana Jones were getting get
into the fucking temple of doom faster if when you change a ball on this
thing, you summon a demon from Hell that you owe your fucking sould.
I used to company puzzle box from Hell Razor. I iither fucking company of
car, which I fucking hated. It was a Ford focus and the whole
headlight had to come out. They instruct you from my car on the driver's
side headlight. They instruct you, waiting to hear this to not only you
have to take off a wheel half the wheel, take off the fucking flap
inside it, take off the half the fucking bumper to get into. Just
remove. They're like, this is get the fuck out of my face.
You can do it. You can. There's two little heck fucking but go
like you will be forgiven for taking this one to the manufacturer two or to
a garage. You'll be forgiven if it is pure fuckery. But I would
investigate it first. Don't just go it's a I just because you can find
some car manufacturers have made it easy. They've made it fucking easy because they
want you to have fucking peace of mind and get out of yourself in a
bit of fucking pride in yourself. But the fuckery that has gone on with
some of them, where you know they've done it on purpose. They could
have there was bags of space to move shit out of the way. You
know they've done it on purpose so that you do take it back to the
main dealer or whatever. And that is that's my car. But I know
I will not be best that I only changed the headline head bullbs the bulls
the other day, but to have to go out and get a heckt's like
I had thankfully I had these long, long island keys. There were hecks,
you know, the full bar of hecks, but your average person wouldn't
have them, would have a fucking hecks six to open these time little nuts
blindly. You'll be forgiven. But I would investigates the like. I've never
once taken one to the garage. But what I'm saying is I have been
almost at breaking point over the fury of the fuckery that went on. So
if you do meet a whole pile of fuckery, and feel free to YouTube
these and stuff like that. But if you meet a whole pile of fuckery,
you'll be forgiven. For what I would do is I chance your fucking
arm if you go to the don't be bind your bubs. Don't be buying
ship bulbs in the fucking marriage in the petro station. Buy your fucking ones
from the car accessory. You know the car accessory crowds a lot of the
time. You'll find a sound out fucker. We'll keep chatting and go well,
you wouldn't throw it thrown in for me? There and chance to start
them Them buys have done it a million times. They're chatting away to you,
fucking fuck one in there's you know a lot of times those lads will
do it for nothing because you know you'll be back to And I said last
week, Tom, I know you're giving the tips, and I'm just giving
it. Very incredibly fucking basic advice that any child would know. When you
do get the bulbs, the new bulbs for your headlights, just taking note
of what they are. Just taking over of the code of them or whatever
they are, so that you know what to ask for next time you went
to the shop and yours. You're not like, oh, on the bulb
for one seven one it looks no, I need a fucking code name bang
done, And you might get a wee bit of discount because you know what
you're fucking doing. Yeah, people tend to have more respect for you and
over the counter when you know exactly what bub it's. Speaking of tips with
bulbs, if you are going out it yourself, this is what I should
have said at the fucking don there at the top. Very important when it
comes to car bulbs. Never ever grab it by the glass right next yes
yes, yes, yes, Your fingerprints the oil and your fingerprints will become
conductive to heat and boil the bulb it'll boil the bulb. Not always put
as little touching as possible with your fucking hand. This is another reason why
it's a bit of fuckery. You know what, I mean to do this
job, but if you can, some of them are very sound. When
you buy the expensive ones, they actually come with a little bit of foamy
stuff actually around the if you could hold do you know what I mean,
Or if you've got to get a tissue, wrap it around it, but
don't fucking touch with I remember that advice Tom, for changing Halagen bulbs outside
your house. Don't touch the classes Yeah, the actual Yeah, very same.
And if I could a bit of advice here, guys, how do
you know when you need to change your bulbs unless you're like, you know,
unless the car is driving towards your or anything like that. A lot
of the times in my life, Tom, the first time I knew I
needed a bulb was when a guard told me. So I devised this little
system. Maybe you do it, or maybe you just know when you need
bulbs, Tom, You know by the light on the road. But I'm
driving in the city here with all the straight lights and everything, so it's
hard I pick it up from the road, because I'm in the country to
know in the city when your bulbs are right, because there's so much light
around you. Real simple, tom. If I pull up outside the house
at night, I run through a quick cycle of the lights. Does it
look right? Head lights dips, full beams, indicator left, indicator right,
and you can see it in the reflection of the door in front of
you. And if it looks you will, like I mean, if if
you have the right whatever, you pull in yeah. Yeah. You don't
have to do it every night, once a week, you know, just
pull up and go like left, right, heads dips. Okay, right,
we're good. Here's the thing with all this stuff. You don't need
to say. You don't need to be as militarized as right on Monday nights,
I check every course to you if you have it in the back of
your head, like anything. If you haven't in the back of your head,
you'll you'll know the one. It's like a little fucking your own little
diagnostic system will tell you here, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you have a look at that fucking thing. Something's not right there. And
chances are if you feel it's not right, there's a fair strong chance it
ain't fucking right. So all these are just save pund fine, so exactly
now moving on to the likes of you won't do this an awful lot,
but if you did splash out and go a bit fucking wild and become a
bit nerdy like I do, and by your own diagnostic now they used to
be very expensive. Now they're super cheap. You can get them again for
like fifty sixty quid. You want to plug in every so often to see
if something's fucking not firing. If it's not, it's not producing the right
you know, fucking fuel to air ratio and stuff, you know, things
like that. Would you know you might It may pick up in them a
lot of time. It is your spark plugs that aren't throwing a proper spark,
if especially if it's slightly older car, if maybe a city car,
where the carbon is getting attached, you know, to the underside of the
spark where it's not getting blown up by going down the motorway. Same with
your glow plugs with for diesel cars. Again, it's no harm to have
one of these things, so at least you don't get the fucking your pants
pulled down when you go into the mechanics. I'm not saying, go get
yourself the fucking correct torque, fucking you know, wrenching everything for doing spark
plugs. But these are the things where you go here, listen of my
eight or you know whatever, spark plugs or six spark plugs. Fucking one
of them is it ain't fucking fire and something. And at least then even
if you have an honest mechanic, he doesn't have to do a full diagnosty.
He can go all right, I'll go straight to that and see if
that's the thing, you know what I mean, if you have a good
relationship with them. So these are good things to be aware of. The
spark plugs, that's what essentially creates a little bomb inside your fucking engine six
times or eight times or whatever, how many times you have, how many
spark plugs you have to drive the pistons, which in turn drive your fucking
wheels of your car. I mean, here's the thing, Tom, and
I like it. Don't don't don't get me wrong, like everything you're saying,
Buddy, Okay, do you run the risk of if you get into
if you get into a garage and you say, yeah, my left number
six spark plug left on the rear or whatever the fuck it is is acting
the genet I need. Yeah, I just need that. Do you run
the wrist that you'll get a mechanic that'll just be like, don't fucking tell
me what it is, all right, I'm the mechanic. Hey, listen,
listen, I'm gonna yeah. Thanks for the my, my, thanks
to the peanut gallery. Now why don't you just fucking sit there and let
the professional hey listen, like everything. If you come in with the right
attitude and say, look, look, would you mind having a look at
no expert. Well, I have a funny feeling she ain't firing, right,
Could it be a spark plug? You reckon? You know what I
mean? Leave it in their ego. Don't go in there, Hey,
I need you to get in there and under that engine and go to number
two. I just know I wouldn't have I wouldn't have appreciated people like that
in the shop coming in to me for end. But box clever, Jerry,
you know what I mean. If they came in and went I started
telling you your job, you'd say, all right, well you know where
you can fucking go, But don't go in and tell the person their job
just at least point them in the right direction that you go, this is
what I'm feeling, So you don't go, I have a funny engine,
gnice bang, and he's going, I listen, I'm up to my tits.
What where is it coming from? Do you know what I mean?
Well, here's where I think it's coming from. It's coming from where the
fuck is bark club? You know? And and Tom, you know what
I mean? Like I like that and again again a lot of this is
like, you know, helping him out on his day's work, so at
least he knows what to look for rather than you know, a complete exactly.
And the other thing is like, you know, maybe that might cut
down his workload and it might end up a little bit cheaper for you.
Okay, I can. Yeah, They're not like I don't want to paint
mechanics in any bad light here and a lot of great mechanics. It's just
if you have a very honest mechanic and somebody who've had a good relationship with
no harm to go Morris, there's fucking wrong, shame't fucking fire and right,
fucking black smoke coming out the back end of it and some funny fucking
sound coming from I could be fucking wrong here, but I think it might
be a spar I can be wrong. That's all the hallmarks have a mess
iron spark plunks, you got damn right. So I'm just saying no harm
to be for for for what armed is forewarned. You don't know that kind
of way as much about knowing what your car does and does not do as
much, And that's as much you know, learning how to communicate with human
beings. Look at I just don't want people driving around in a fucking mystery.
Do you know? It absolutely blows my tit. No, here's the
thing. I'm in front of a computer right now. At no point am
I going to fucking want to open the thing and see how it works.
I don't give a fuck. But at the same time, that kind of
thing is never going to kill me. Sure, it's never going to kick
that's you know, that's what it is. It's it's you just said it
there. You don't want to be driving around in a mystery, Tom,
Like, what do you drive yourself? I drive a one nine ter puzzle?
Yeah, hid have you seen my new car? It's called fucking yeah,
having a clue what goes on. Yeah, so I appreciate that.
Like now you say, like, run a diagnostic on a tom and I'm
sorry if you I'm sorry if you if you ran past this and I just
didn't pick it up. What do you even fucking connect that machine too?
Now here's here's the one. It's a bit It looks like the you know
the the they're not HDMI at the back of the telly, you know the
one that was used to pre skart. That's what it is. It's a
scark cable. You'll normally find it most cars inside the fag ash tree,
inside the ash tray. Some you'll find it just in the most weird just
dangling underneath where the steering wheel, the plastic under the under the steering wheel
ends, you'll find it there. It's normally hidden inside the fucking the I
suppose the insert of one of the compartments might be in the glove box.
Very very easy to google this, very easy. And okay, if I
was to google this wearing my car is the it's the diagnostic part diagnostic port.
Okay, So just before you start wrenching panels off your car looking for
it. Yeah, they all it's it's it's easy and it has to be
easy to be got to. You don't need to go unless there's pure bollocks
of a brand has screwed it and glued in for a place and don't want
to go near it. It's I mean, really, it should be out
in the fucking engine with a cap over it, but I guess they want
to keep it clean. It's always inside the car. Any car I've ever
done, it's always been inside the car. And it's it's interesting sometimes when
you know what the little the little you know and it's telling you, No,
your car is running good, your car's running fine. I don't.
I haven't used the thing in six months. Last time he used it was
on the previous car. A light came on, an engine light came on,
and oh fuck, I just I just looked up in old Cetron that
I used to drive, and there's a little door and I always wondered what
it was, Tom, I always wondered what it was. It's like steering
column. There's like a little cap there, like a little thing, little
flat. It's like the it's like the it's like the back of the remote
control where the batteries are just a little thing, and I often wonder what
it was, and when you open it, it was like, okay,
well I have no business here, and lo and behold it's the diagnostic box.
So are hiding and playing sight Tom. Yeah, they literally aren't.
It's nearly like a little mystery toe and you end up finding you're like ha
ha, And then it's kind of like, I don't know. I suppose
a bit of crack to plug it in. Then a lot of the names
and numbers and stuff coming up in front of you go, I have a
fucking clue if you have, if you have an interest in finding, I
wouldn't worry about it too much until you see an engine light pop up?
Right, and the engine light pop up. Most cars will have some sort
of warning light. They'll tell you this is you know. Some have it
now, even for tire pressure. You know there's But if you have the
little fucking triangle, the yell a triangle comes up, there's your problem.
Jesus Crest, get local. Now here's the fucking thing I had. One
of a code came up in mind the other day. The sensor in the
fucking water bottle for the for the windscreen wipers was failing. I'm like,
well, that's fine. I know when I don't when I need water thanking
right, do you know what I mean? But it was it was this
big fucking hooplan. It's coming on every fucking time I started the car was
like a jave of Christ. Tom. I'm like, okay, you need
to fucking relax, car. It's in the fucking water bottle. It's okay,
I'll know, and I don't have water and it ain't. It's just
diagnostic too. And that I actually just did a quick google here. I'm
like, what do you call a fucking what do you called? Joe Rogan's
pile? The other little fucking dufe is that Jamie Jamie's that is, Yeah,
are you doing a Jamie? And I'm doing a Jamie on it?
Yeah. And it's a little you know what, it's a lovely little machine.
It's like twenty six quid for the one that I see on Amazon.
Oh lovely. Yeah, it looks like a wonderful thing to buy putting a
press and use on very rare occasions, very very poor. I can put
it with my multimeter tone. Here's the thing. I was able to wipe
that fucking code completely off and it doesn't come up. Now. That's that
was my next thing, because I've got all man of like codes coming up
on my car that are not problems. It's like, oh, you have
tire pressure such and such, and I was like, no, I fucking
don't, because I've settled, I've balanced the tires and had them balanced professionally,
and this code still comes up on. The guy at the garage was
just like, ah, you know sometimes that happens. Listen, if they
give it again, if it gives you a pain in your rocks, you're
gonna be owning cars forever. This will work it. Once upon a time
you could have known one of these things. You can only go to a
garage. They had a big fucking diagnostic machine like something. Remember that they
would roll over to this. Now here's the thing that you still do.
Because they have the more, much more in depth, the much more in
depth, I suppose programs. They will tell you way more than what the
little handheld lad on Amazon will tell you. You will have the general,
the general fucking you know, look, SI, let's see what's what's overly
wrong, but his one and he will have it for all cars. He
or she will have it for all cars. Now, there are some yokes
you may you can plug into and they'll just go nah Nasan like Mitsubishi once
upon a time, Jaguar once upon a time. But I think they had
to open borders after a while. They had to go, Okay, we
gotta. I think they kind of by law had okay or worldwide mechanics have
to have to be allowed to fucking do this because you have to be allowed
to go to whatever mechanic you want. This was absolutely cornering the market going,
oh, you want to know what's wrong with your car, you got
to bring it to a main dealer. So I think they know I'm still
open to fucking criticism on that one. The mechanics could be listening on.
I can't get into a fucking a Jetchia or Dessi or whatever they fucking called.
But it's fun to have and no harm for you to get one.
Because if those simplistic things that are giving you a pain in your tasts you
get there, for twenty six years, you have here all these more or
less these things that I'm talking about, You'll have them forever I'm here,
Tom, I don't want to do Jamie on it. If that is what
that other fucking day his name is here, okay, but this is from
Mixed Garage dot I E again miscarriage dot com. I beg your pardoner and
I just him that make was irish. That's that's on me? He is,
Yeah, I know he is. He's only up the road for me.
And it's this little like little iPod of a thing and a scar cable
to twenty six ninety five again use the promo code Tom and Jerry to get
fuck all off that and what the hell right? It's you know what it
does here Tom, And it retrieves the vehicle identification number on on vehicles.
And I had to get that done because I lost the code of the radio
because I replaced the fucking I think it replaced the battery of the car wiped
the code of the radio. And they were like, oh, we can
retrieve the code of the radio for can you give us the vehicle identification number?
And I was like, I can give you the redge. They're like,
no, stupid CAD. It's the it's the v I N and you
need the number. Yeah. I was like, well where do I get
that? Also? We can we can we can retrieve that for you,
and they charge me eighty pounds to do that. Tom, okay, your
fin number? Oh Jesus Christ. Okay, but wasn't that something like that?
Yeah? Yeah, okay. Well, if if it was something like
that, I had to get a code in there, like we'll get it
fire for eighty I say, eighty pounds eighty euros and here and here I
could have spent eighty euros on this thing and had fifty three euros change.
You could have gotten a set of fucking wiper blades afterwards. Yeah Jesus,
time and free delivery for over fifty grades. Podcast is saving people. I'm
on money, by the way, with these vehicle diagnostic tools. The next
one is like a three and thirty nine euro and it is a big eye
prod of thing. I don't think anybody needs that, Tom, No,
I don't think anybody listening to this podcast needs that. But this wee thing
for twenty five euro I think I might get. It's it's to put your
mind at the ease when you get if you get a big old fucking orange
triangle coming up on the on this on in the dashboard, probably not great.
You should be bringing to you know, you should be but sometimes like
my fucking you up with pistoner pansity the other day over the sensor in the
water bottle. Yeah, she can relax for a while. That can relax.
But if you open it up and all of a sudden it says,
you know, fucking bollocks falling out of your car. You know you gotta
your engine misfiring, Then, by Jesus Christ, you've got to get it
up to the up to the mechanic all right, moving, okay, the
power source of your car firing those park players we talked about earlier. Car
battery again, don't don't allow it to be a fucking mystery. Don't allow
it to be a mystery. You can It's very easy to buy a car
battery again. Car accessory crowds will sell of you. Here's the thing.
If you're going, I'll put it in miss out. If you can get
it done for fucking free again, get your man to throw it in for
you. Fucking things can be heavy enough, awkward enough, but at the
same time, if they're absolutely not going to do it for you, do
fear not. Fear fucking not. It is not that fucking big of a
deal you'll need Again, these are all the you should have accumulated in life
anywhere. But I'm not saying you gotta get this. You gotta have a
little socket set, a little set of socket Look, Halford's twenty two euro
again, mind it, you'll have it forever. I wonderneath the desk there
to de shiney for the last twelve fucking years from Halford's. Do you know
what I mean? It was? I think it was twelve quid when I
bought the fucking thing. But just mind it me, you'll have it forever.
Look, people will tell you take off this one, first take off
that one, first take off. I typically take off the red one.
I don't get fucking technical here, tom, all right, take off the
black one. Fucking keep them apart, read one, the black one.
Okay, don't bomboot up with science here, buddy, there'll be all sorts.
Look, just get the owl fucking yoga out. Fuck it out.
It might be all right. It might be a case that you left the
light on. Maybe you can get a trickle charger. Again, I'm not
telling you to go buy a fucking trickle charger, but sometimes sometimes the reason
why I'm saying got into the car battery thing here sometimes if you're driving a
relatively a car with a relatively new battery. I eat inside five years old.
That's a really renew batter. That's all right, chance, unless you've
done the bollocks on it twenty times over leaving the fucking inside light on fox
sake, like you know, while you were searching for the fucking key of
the house. Yeah, okay, you may have fucked the battery, but
a lot of the time a jumpstart will do. Now, I'm not gonna
fucking get into that. A battery is the same as the battery in the
fucking remote. It's gotta go in, gotta go out right. They're a
heavy country yoake in a lot of ways. Depending on the size of your
car, you might only need one with from thirty five a I think it's
ah is on a measure up to ninety, which is going in up to
ninety. Then you're talking to big engine cars. One hundred and ten is
in the jeep right now, big old fucking tractor fucking ones. You need
it for bigger crank. You need that fucking pop for a bigger crank.
Is there again, don't detriment to putting too big of a car too big
of a there is. There is, there is, there is. Yeah,
you do not need like there is. I haven't I've done it and
not seen it, but I've heard there is from people who are in the
know, who I believe. So just don't a lot of time. Your
Cara will only need a relatively small one, you know what I mean.
Now here's the thing. I'm gonna jump straight off there because I'm not going
to delay on fucking changing a fucking battery, red black, fucking pop them
on, Put fucking black on first when you're going, but then put red
on, Tighten them hard. Don't be fucking frightening giving him a bit of
a fucking squeeze, because the smoother of a grip you get around it,
the smoother juice coming back out of it. Now, I don't want to
I don't want to be this guy here, but I feel like she could
come in and say, don't touch the two metal parts. Oh okay,
yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, that's exactly we know not to do
that, right, I mean, like Tom Jerry, audience, come on
like they know, they know, But a hell of a lot you'll change
fucking three car batteries in your whole fucking life. I swear to God you
at most, unless unless you've got an out rig that you keep for the
winter, you probably will never change one, because in all fairness, they
do they don't fucking die as easy as they used to die. And on
top of that, stuff doesn't stay like the radio doesn't stay on. Yeah,
yeah, I mean once upon a time a radio didn't stay on.
Lights fucking could stay on if you didn't. Now there's fucking more sirens to
go off to tell you that ship is left on or keys are left in
this and nine times out of ten, the fucking thing kind of goes he's
a fucking in and shuts itself down anyway, So, in all fairness,
the likelihood of actually running a car battery down is on other than you're letting
it sit for fucking three years because you're away. Fucking This is around fucking
and this is you know, age happened when you go to fucking, you
know, to Berlin for the weekend and you come back to the airport.
I don't think you have to worry that your car battery is going to be
You should you should be okay. But on the off chance that you're not,
Tom go on. Please discuss. But here's the thing. Nine times
out of ten, giving that battery of fucking spin down the road will do
fine, do you know what I mean? And if you can do it,
I'm it gets a better charge if the lights aren't on. So sometimes
you have your light set to auto come on regardless, turn the lights off,
turn the radio off and the fucking fan heater, just so the battery
can just go. I'll give you the fuck no, I'm grand again.
Yeah, five miles down the road, it'll be the finest drive on.
But here's the thing. You do. Come back to the car. Something's
happened in the way. You've left the fucking light on internally and it has
shipped the bad battery because you have only a small car and a small battery.
Jump leads. This is a fucking mystery. Someone the amount of fucking
people now this is probably the number one one why they agreed. Well,
when you brought me with this, I went, well, this has to
be in there. Jump leads. Fuck me, it's fuck me it okay,
it's here's the basics. Decent set of jump leads twenty quid. Yeah,
keep them in the pack. Mind again, these are things that you.
I have a set of fucking jump leads from fucking fortes. We are
running out of boot space here with all the stuff, with the fucking diagnostic
to get it. But if you are, if you organize your fucking boot
right window loo, look look I'm saying, look, if you drive a
fuck it, if you drive a fucking I don't know what's a tiny car.
Nowadays, there's no tiny cars any anymore. They've all got good sized
fucking boots. But if you're driving a die hate to charade, that zero
six diet to charade, then I'm sorry, but look here the thing.
But say you don't have one, you pull into a fucking petro station,
they go look at that. There they are, and now you know how
to This is how you're going to know how to use them. Okay,
you get a nice old soul who's going to give you a jump start.
You recognize what side your batteries on, but popping your hood, popping the
bonnet right. Recognize sometimes it's left, sometimes it's right, same with theirs.
Most of the time it's on sitting in the car sat. It would
be on fucking you know, stage left. It would be on the passenger
side. Or in the boot in a certain hype power or in the boot,
or if you're driving a fucking Tiota Dina, it's under the fucking passenger
seat, which I was never comfortable with anyway. But that's where rubbish goes.
That's where rubbish exactly. That's what Luke said. Buttles are supposed to
go on fags and Chris the cans. That will just cause a cause of
short So pull it over. Pull the running car over with with the full
You know they've got the juicy battery and you want to go black to black.
So where am I hooking it on to? Jerry? I'm hooking it
on to the same the little the little nodes that are gripped. It's okay.
You don't have to take off anything. You may have to pull it
back a little, you know, the rubber caps or whatever. Grip it
straight on with the with the crocodile clip that is the at the end.
Either end up the cable, black cable on. Get it on good in
time. Make sure it's getting as much surface area coverage as possible. Onto
his onto yours. Some people say one or the other. Now, when
you're putting the red on, put on yours onto the dead one. Then
now again, it doesn't make a matter of massive difference. You're not talking
about running two fucking jumbo jets off each other onto his onto yours. Now,
do you just jump straight into your car, Jerry, now that you've
hooked it up and crank it. Now you fucking don't you give it a
fucking minute, and I mean that, give it a full fucking minute.
If you've met a very nice person, you could ask them if they wouldn't
mind pushing in their accelerator to bring it up to two thousand revs. That's
where you want it really, to get full electricity output and firing it in
so you're pouring electricity from their car into your car. Long before there was
ever a tesla. Give it a minute, try it. Don't go fucking
cranking this shit out of it. If you're getting absolutely not knowly clicklick,
click, clicklick. But give it another little bit, give it another minute,
patience. I swear my fucking life. I had a remember I used
to do the Ferrari job. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, Well to
enlighten people, I used to do Ferrari experiences with people. And one of
the guys that was doing it. The lads had hired him to fill in
for me because they've gotten it so popular. They bought a few of these
cars. They got this guy who's a driving instructor. I couldn't believe how
fucking little this guy actually knew about cars. He was worrying how much this
guy knew. How little this guy knew about cars. The hiredest guy to
trial him. He rings me, going, this fucking thing won't start.
Of course it wouldn't start. He's been sitting in the garage all fucking winter.
Nobody put it on a trickle feed. It's okay, relax, it's
all right. He's running his Ford Fiesta into fucking charge. Yeah yeah,
a Ferrari like with a giant fucking battery, and he's just putting it straight
to it. He got it right, He got it straight, absolutely right.
Actually, that battery was in the footwell of the passenger seat. The
passenger said, he hooked up the battery the jump, let's just find his
own. But like within three seconds of jumping out of his own one liter
Fiesta into a three point eight later, Ferrari just start cranking it, cranking
a crank and a cranking a crank and stomping on this rattle and seeking to
get it, and he rings me in this panic. I'm like, well,
what what are you doing? So I get over there and he's doing
this again, like did you did you let it have a second to fucking
wake up? It's been a sleeping six months. Here's the thing, Tom,
Do you walk into the house, turn on the immersion strip and get
straight into the shower. Well, that's that's exactly it. Give it a
second, give it a little while to fucking warm up, fill up a
little bit, and then it'll get it first time. I do think people
there with ice cold balls. I mean the notion of electricity. I suppose
with people in this scenario, maybe they're still in electric mode where they just
think with flippers. With that. When it comes to or burning organic matter
i e. Oil, you have to have an organic attitude that you need
to just sit back and fucking chill for one second and let the car take
a fucking deep breath. Do you know what I mean? Just fucking relax
for one fucking second, because everything needs a second, right, depending on
right. And say that Batman's fiesta would that Man's fiesta would have charged that
Ferrari. Just given a little bit time, I now would have taken a
ten minutes because there was a fart of a car like there was fucking like
but it was a woman, right, it was. It was a thirty
fucking or ah battery in his thirty or thirty five to a ninety in the
Ferrari. So you know what I mean, you're you're yeah, you know
you got you got four pounds of ship and it's a fucking twenty pound bag.
You're gonna have to shad a bit more, go harder. I fucking
throw a bit more into it, just enough to crank it. And after
that once she got going, you know. But which led me to another
one, which actually reminded me of the same fucking idiot. Because the car's
battery. He drove up the Oh listen, he may or may not.
Well, I had it, yeah to let him fucking go. Later on
that evening he was that fucking abysma, but he was. He drove up
the fucking road. He immediately wanted to throw petrol in. I went,
well, yeah, you probably get through the fur up to lunchtime without petrol
but filling, but we are I wouldn't he didn't listen to me, went
up, locked the car, the key fob. The batteries were gone cold
dead on that too, and he had a complete nutter fucking meltdown. I
went, okay, bringing me now again, I went, okay, what's
the fucking car went fucking open now because the fucking key fob. I went,
okay, Well, let's you know it's it's it's consistent, and it's
fucking ferrari these relaxed. Here's the thing. It can happen to fucking anybody,
but it doesn't happen all of a sudden unless you've left your fucking car
for six months. If you start to feel the fob going, then around.
But if you do come across this scenario, here's the thing. And
you're looking at the handles going there used to be fucking key holes on these
cars back in the fucking mid two thousands, and they don't have them anymore.
Yes they fucking do, Yes they do. Jar, I'll let you.
You want to tell me. I know I have had experienced this before
where I'm at the at the door handle and there's no way to get into
it, and oh god, isn't technology a terrible thing? But there's like
a secret keyhole, right, yeah, there is normally on the passenger side,
and and I might still be on the driver's side, might still be
on the driver's side. The key itself, like you know the way keys
these days might be just like a chunk of a thing that doesn't have actually
any key that slides into anything. It's just like a chunky fob of a
thing that splits and comes apart like a little transfer. Yeah. Yeah,
and it's a key inside it. I have I have experiences Rehno, I
think we're one of the Reno or Sitroum. We're one of the first to
do it for regular cars where it wasn't actually an ignition, you know,
you turn it with your cranking, which I still like. I still like
the MYOPA does that. I had a Volkswagon before, and you put the
key into a little port in the dashboard and then there was a button to
push. I was like, why are we doing this now? Anyway,
it's six and one and a half, doesn't the other that thing again,
A little a little stick, a plastic shaped key popped out of that and
would go into a little the same handle on the passenger side. If you
do drive a volts Wagon. Feel underneath it and the the the end of
the handle that is close closer to the back of the car. If you
get me the last inch of that will pop up and inside it lo and
behold there's a fucking keyhole and that little classic hole will go in and release
the car. Now you still have to start with your own key and everything
when you get into it. But know that there is a way in.
Know that there is a fucking way in unless cars are not built for them
to be for for them to be tricked and locked out. So you're there
with a car and you're locked it and now you never can get into it
ever again. It's sealed like fucking toot and cam ands tomb grass will grow
around to walk away. Let the let the send of the time take it.
Yeah, exactly, You'll never get into this fucking car again. You'll
get into the car. You will get into the car. And as Tom
has said throughout this whole series, why don't you take five minutes right now
and find out the following things so that when you do fucking lock yourself out
of the car or what have you, that you can get it open or
if you do, uh need to know where your battery is to get a
jump start. The at least you know that you're not completely fucking helpless like
a duck on its bod. Here's the thing, like, right now there'll
be some people scoff and going Ari for Fox. I don't need to know
that, trust me. The smugness you will have if you have somebody with
you, if for nothing else. This is how small minded I can be
sometimes, but I understand people. The smugness if you have somebody with you
who's also lost in the fog about how to solve the situation. And the
next thing do you go to the rolodex in your mind and you remember these
two fucking idiots going what you do is and you remember it and then you
do it and it works. The fucking smugness and the level of adultness you
will have over your counterpart, it's you won't be able to buy that.
You couldn't buy it. The level of the level of cool dick even a
little bit, a little bit in the company of people that know nothing is.
And here's the thing. This is coming from two blokes who kind of
only have know it, and I sure should only know it because I've been
fucking caught in these situations, so many fun I'm not looking forward to the
common section of this one time. I swear to God where I can't wait
for you two Fox know nothing, absolutely appreciate. There are mechanics listening.
There will be and there is there. They're listeners and they'll go, oh
for fox sake, because we've got We've been pulled up by scientists and stuff
in the past. I've gotten messages gonna God bless you. At least you're
funny. We're just we're speaking from late point of views. And the only
learnings that I've that I can give you are not something I learned because some
master craftsman but Canny taught me. It's because of the fuck ups and the
fucking odd situations I found myself in some backwoods are fucking loud, trying to
come out of a fucking a gig to fucking four people and hay barn and
for some reason doesn't want to go home. You know what I mean?
All right to have what what else have you got? Frost there? But
what other nuggets you got there? Just look, there's a handful of things.
Those are kind of the big things. I don't want to fucking people's
boots filling up. These are just the kind of things that would just they
give you a bit of focus and a small bit of fucking, a small
bit of nouse, as they say, going down the fucking road. I'm
just gonna pop through a few here now. Yeah, I've got a couple
of quick fire questions for you that maybe you can answer, maybe you can't
perfect, so I'm not I'm not gonna bang on about these ones. Just
keep an eye out for you feel a lightness coming in your clutch because you're
a city driver. I'm gonna tell you it's a thousand years coming down the
line. Yes, yeah, it's. There are certain things. Now you
may get a very sound mechanic who feels they won't have to replace the whole
clutch. It's because of the overuse of clutches in cities, or the overuse
of a clutch when pulling heavy weights, because you've got to take off the
accelerator really easy sometimes when you're pulling a real heavyweight. I probably don't need
to tell the people that pull heavyweights that they know they're fucking more into it
than I know. Nobody listening to this is going to accidentally be pulling a
trailer someday. No, And that's why I didn't get into trailers or anything
like that, because the kind of people that drive them back up fucking triple
AXL FU trailers and quadruple AXL trailers enjoy. They probably skipped through this,
or maybe they're just listening for fucking critique. But I've blown a couple of
clutches in my time, most one no two for definite from pulling heavy loads.
One from purely city driving. And he was actually able to replace the
plate on it, like one of the pressure plays the pressure plate rather than
the full how the whole thing, So it became a six hundred your job
instead of a thousand euro job. Look four hundred quid, Oh yeah,
four hundred quid worth a ham on one plate exactly. Things like keeping an
eye out on fucking turbos going, fucking e GR valves going again, the
little diagnostic machine for maintenance once a year. If you want, you get
yourself an EGR valve cleaner. It cleans off a lot of the ship because
if you're driving fuel, know that they're smoky ship, especially a diesel.
It's quite simplistic to use Google it, you squirt it into the air,
the air intake, and that sucks it all the way through and it blows
out a lot of the black ship out the back. That will probably slow
down your car and make it less efficient. Just keep it an EGR valve
cleaner. It's a spring can get us into the realm to realms. Tom
And I'm sorry to pausey here, but anytime I go in to get you
know, wiper blades or fucking yeah, yes, ah, into into the
car parts place, ricktion, I love it. Why do I imagine going
in wearing lazy gloves in your hand bag? Hand up? Excuse? Could
you find gentleman's tell a Southern bill where she might get into the local cotton?
My cousin has expected me. My automobile just won't go. Ah.
But there's always these racks of like, like I guess additives is be what
you know that you put into the patrol, and it's like put this into
your patrol for more power, and put this into your patrol to clean your
engine, and put this into your patrol to remove carbon scoring and all that.
Do you need them fucking work? There's a there's a Wicklow crowd who
have won several awards, and they stand and I mean a lot of a
couple of mechanics do stand over and I've noticed it in the long run.
I don't know about cleaning engine and stuff like that. I can't fucking see
in there. But there's a crowd called Diptane. You'll see the long kind
of white battle of its green. It's got a graduated symbols on the side
of Jesus Man. We're selling some stuff on this podcast. But I've noticed.
I've noticed because I buy all my diesel from the one petro station,
which is a shout out to the petrol station and bench a really good diesel.
But I've noticed on long I do very similar style driving. I don't
do much city driving anymore. I do long motorway driving. And I've noticed
using the using the bottle of Diptain, I probably get an extra hundred in
the tank. I swear to God, Yeah, yeah, I don't know
if it's good, better and different for the engine, but I know I'm
getting longer. And she runs like you know, I always just thought that
some of these, like these engine treatments and cleaners and all this kind of
horseshit, like you know, is it just like, is it like I'm
just actimel for your engine that maybe, Yeah, I wonder if some of
it a bit fucking are people not getting you probably have to do what I'm
doing to get the fuck. Other than that, it's probably a bit snake
eily. Now it's saying that my fucking yok isn't going to build up much
fucking carbon. Gone up the motorway at one hundred fucking odd and a two
hundred fucking k journey, three hundred four hundred k journey, it's getting a
good fucking blowout. But if you have I guess if you're again, you're
doing a four second third, fucking third second third, second third forest stop.
A lot of that driving in the city. Yeah, A lot of
the fucking heavy particles won't get blown out of your engine like they do out
of mind, So maybe maybe you'd probably need to use this shit more.
But the e GR valve cleaner I found it actually made it made my throttle
the accelerator a lot more responsive. I didn't do. You know, like
when you when you get your teeth cleaned and you go fuck me of all
them fucking lovely gaps all over the back of your teeth. You're going,
oh, I feel gross because I had plaque in there. Yeah yeah,
yeah, yeah, yea, yeah yeah yeah. Well it's the same thing
I noticed. I was like, oh, I have way more control over
the speed here, now do you know what I mean? But then for
a lot of people that doesn't matter. How fuck just saying if you will
have a bit of pride in your car, you want to clean the fucking
guts of it out every so often. This is like a fucking I get
us. I guess it's like get you know, colon clean. Just fucking
if you want to go back and listen to Jerry's fucking tourbo ax fucking episode
where he you know, he blew his back door out, you know,
ah, well, I don't care for how you describe it, sir.
I apologize, but I've told a story a bunch of times, and I've
directed people to that episode when they're going when he used it and I'll just
head to work, I'm like, no, you're not. Go listen to
Jerry Bright. He thought he was going. He thought he was going to
work as well that day. Turns out he cried himself to sleep on the
fucking toilet. Is it. Yeah, all the things other things to come
out with, like the lightnse, Look, there's the I just want people
to be aware of the different lights they have in their car. Right,
So you have your headlights, of course, you have your dips. Yes,
you have parking lights. Fucking hell Jesus Christ, people, it's standardized.
It must be orange. There's an orange green for fucking heads, blue
for dips or sorry, beg your pardon the other way around, but orange
fucking orange for your big fucking fog light at the back and forward specifically make
a fucking cunt. And I say this because I have last years of my
life and temper being caught behind fuckers on the clearest night of the fucking of
the year with a big, dirty well. I can't look directly at the
back end of the car. It's it's like looking into fucking sourn's fucking anus.
Yeah, this fucking thing just and you're like, how the fuck do
you not know that that thing is on? Or do you just go I'll
leave it, and because it just keeps it safe. No, oh,
you have bunch. You have a bunch of lights back there, your motherfucker.
It's just it's like driving with your full headlights on just out the back
of the car. Do you know what you're doing? Do you know what
you're doing? Your fucking crop dusting people with your farts inside the fucking sub
boy or inside the fucking a fucking lift. You're like Era fuck y,
you don't even know you're doing it. Yeah, look, just be aware
of it. Turn the fucking thing off when the fucking fog isn't there.
Come on people, it's for some people. It's just one of those bug
bears that I have. I'm asking from a person point of view, right,
I'm gonna if people have asked me before, should they put a tow
bar in the car and learn how. I'm always a firm believer in the
toe bar. Put it on, don't put it on. It does protect
your fucking rear bumper. But I haven't been rear endered a long time so
and I'm not in those environments when it happens. So it's up to fucking
you. Power steering fluid people, remember I have asked me about that.
If you're losing power steer flute, you've got a big problem. Also cooland
people go, oh, keep an eye on your coolant, Yes, keep
an eye on it. But by fuck, if you are losing cooland then
it ain't as simple as a fucking poor top that back. You shouldn't lose
one fucking milli liter off fucking of coolant, you sure sh should. That's
a that's a closed loop. That's a closed circuit. You should not be
losing that ship. It's like your rad's in your fucking house. You should
not be losing pressure in your add something. And if it's gone fucking somewhere,
chances are it's going into There's a terminology that you'll hear, a blown
head gasket. A gasket is the rubber a rubber seal that goes between the
top of your engine like a sound, like the top of a fucking lunch
box, and the main body or the engine, and there's a fucking rubbery
seal that's the exact same shape as that in between the two. When that
wears out, sometimes that coolant can then get in around that. Now it's
up to you how you go about it. I'm not telling you to go
out and get fucking steel seal, which is an additive that you can stick
in there. That fucking expands like fucking iron. It turns liquid to fucking
steel and fills holes and stuff like that. Look, I would take that
to the mechanic and ask his opinion whether he thinks your car is worked it
or not. Yea, I know, yeah, We're not gonna fucking skim
ahead gasket here on this podcast. Here's the thing. If if you're losing,
if you're losing that, if you're losing coolant, that's dry to the
fucking mechanic. I said, I'm losing coolant at least, and I don't
worry about his fucking don't worry about his fucking ego. I'm losing coolant.
If I if I remember correctly, Tom, because I believe this befell me
with the fourth car that I ever had, that I was losing coolant into
the engine. Hm. If I remember correctly, If I checked the oil
of the car, it was gray. It was like orange kind of Yeah,
that's you're in trouble. There's something. Your oil wasn't black as oil
would be. We all know what oil is, guys. If that oil
has like a like a like a like an orange film, or as Thom
says, a great kind of sludge to it, something's getting into that and
it's getting in through the hole in your head gasket. And that is going
to leave you on the side of the fucking road from when you least.
Because you know what I did when I found my orange sludge in the oil
tom to move on. Yeah, you know what happened, seize the engine.
Yeah that was that. Well, look at it's it's a it's something
to keep an eye on. But I would again, I wouldn't be looking
every Monday, but you'll find signs are to just start losing power and stuff
like that. But look, if you want to keep an eye on it,
to keep an eye on it. But if you start fucking losing that
ship, isn't just a little hole in the bottom of the bottle. It's
another it's another little hopper, little bottle in the engine. The other one
power steering fluid Again, it's it's you don't want to be losing it,
but it's it's it ain't going anywhere, but they're leaking the pipe somewhere.
It's supposed to make the steering cut if you go. I remember I bought
a car years ago and it was steering, was really heavy in it.
I bought it for half fucking not on that basis. Found there was a
giant fucking crack in the very end of the pipe where I was meeting the
watch McCullough. I put a Dubilee clip on it top the back up steering.
That was that stroke A fucking look anyway, just fucking telling you that
to keep an eye on it and everything else. I had one more thing
and I can't. Oh yeah, here's the fucking thing. You'll enjoy this
because you love a good fucking service of a scenario in the spring or just
before the winter, or during the winter, whenever you fucking want. At
the bottom of all doors, car doors are two quite often too, because
most doors are at a bit of a slant, and they're in two compartments.
You'll find if you reach underneath the door, the flat bit of the
door, a bit of the car that you would never ever ever consider touching.
Have a look under there. Now, bring a rag because it's gonna
be a bit dirty. Give it a clean and tell me what you find.
Okay, I'll tell you what You'll find. Two rubber little bunks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, yes, pull them off.
Just pull them off a couple of times a year, and guess we'll
come flying out. What what gick? Yeah? What just water? Because
here's the thing. It doesn't just magically hit your windows and go flying away
again. Sometimes it runs down and moisture will get inside the little rubbery strip
and it has to go somewhere down. This is the thing people like,
I'm bad cars and the next thing you see rust at the bottom of God
the whole chance he must be gone. Chances are fucking doors full of water.
Or if a car has been sitting up for a while, mask can
fucking get inside. It loves getting inside that little strip and massacoorse will push
that little strip out. The fucking bastard. Water will just fly down the
inside, fill up the door. You pull that bung off, you might
only get a little bit out, but you're as well to pop it off.
That's the purpose of those bunks. That's the purpose of those bunks.
Yeah. It's like a little Yeah, it's like a it's like a bath
plug. Yeah, and then pop it back in bath plugging. Okay,
I'll tell you a better again, Tom, pull it out and fucking leave
it out. I've done that when when fuck it? Because I had I've
had several carriacter you can imagine. But this was an incessant problem, right
like the door was filling up. I was living in Cavern at the time,
and a lot of rain happens in Cavan, much like the rain in
Spain falls mainly fucking everywhere in Cavin. Yes, it was filling up on
a weekly basis, and well fuck that I was. I didn't know about
these bums at the time. And again this is how it happened. It
was splashing back and forth. I popped it out. I found this fucking
bomb, and when I felt that the greatest genius ever, it unloaded.
By the following Friday, the door was splashing again. It went well,
and I couldn't get the fucking off. For love, the money got underneath
it. Eight mildrill bit up through the fucking door, wouldn't it was going
Maybe that is fantastic time. No, I gonna hit you with a couple
of couple of questions, and these are very pleased. These are questions that
were sent in by the co host of the podcast me oh lovely because these
are these are These are a couple of things and no more a perfectly acceptable
answer for this time. By the way, if any of the other listeners
have any other questions about the car. Stick them in the comments and we
might get round to them, yeah, or refer them to an actual professional
exactly. And Tom, I know we talked about, like you know,
there are magic keys and magic key holes and little fucking do hickeys and all
this kind of thing. But if you lock your keys into the car,
is there an easy way to open that door and get them out? I'm
talking about, like you know, and many is the time I've been there
with the keys locked in the car and they're doing your best to see what
you can do, and some fucking gobshit will come along They're like, oh,
thush, why's around here? Go get into that car? Fairly handy,
all right, pal? Do you fucking know any of them? Can't
you give one of them a shout? Because I could do with getting into
this car? Is there like a I don't want to be the guy that's
on the side of the road asking anybody to have a coat hang around them,
because I've seen this done on TV before. Is there a way that
you can physically get into a car these days? Not that I'm not really
like it these days, Fuck no, I mean I've seen guys cut a
tennis ball in half. Yeah, he used to. It worked on bm
It used to worked up on BMW's up to two thousand and six. Anyway,
I know that because we did it. We did it the next three
or next five, I think. For those those that aren't familiar with the
I always thought it was a myth that, but apparently not, because Tom
physically did it. That if you cut a tennis ball in half and put
it over the keyhole of a of a on a corridor and like press the
half of the tennis ball, it would create it. Oh not pressed.
You got to fucking hit that thing, all right, So you got to
hit it like you're going for a prize at the fair, and it would
create pressure that went into the keys and like pop the lock. I guess,
yeah, yeah, just just enough, just enough to confuse it.
Whatever slight movement it was, it was almost like it was receiving the key.
It was happy enough to open up for you, bing bingo. And
what is that? You know? You know, you see you see guys
in movies like Robin Carras and they've got like a long thin thing Jimmy mm
hmm. Did Jimmy a yoke? Like I don't know it's it's it's got
all of That's what it is. A flat like a big flat ruler with
a little hook on the end of that little hook bes into like a bite
into it, and you fed it down like the gap between the seal of
the winds of the window in the driver's side, and you you just kind
of fucked around for a little bit on the next thing to But I guess
what I'm asking you, Tomas, how to pick locks. Some people just
know how to pick locks. But if you look your the car, then
just break the smallest available window on that character. That's that's and that's what's
happened to me in the past. I just go to the normal the little
fly window fan window at the back to bust and fucking get it in and
get in. Yeah yeah, like that's it. Find as fall the smallest
window is also probably going to be the cheapest to replace. So just here's
here's the fucking thing. It was. It was a thing that happened when
the key fob was separate to the key. Yeah, but you want to
pull off some fucking move these days, you know what I mean? Like
if if your car still has buttons, which a lot of cars don't anymore,
you can. I'd have it on that because I had to do it.
Was the only way to lock on an old jeep ahead was you had
to actually push down the button and hold the handle out and then close it
and it would stay that like. It was the only fucking way to lock
this bucket of ship. I know, I shouldn't sl like it off.
It was a Toyota high looks. I fucking love that jeep, but she
it was the only way to lock it. And it did happen once or
twice. And the only thing with that was I found that the windows were
quite flimsy. And if you'd strong strong three m like duct taper grilla tape,
maybe four or five strips of it taped halfway down the window, and
then twist the bottom half the bottom, all four of them together at the
bottom to make a fucking kind of a rope braid, you could yank it
down just enough. Maybe you get an inch or two down a coat anger
in and the buttons were quite ready to receive a fucking yeah. Okay,
well that's that's that's interesting. Yeah I can, I can, I can.
I can feel the motion of that that it would pull the one can
only assume you're going to damage something while they're doing this, but it's going
to get you off the side of the road. And that's what we're all
about here on the tommentary. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. And
I guess my other questions some are are like, you know, kind of
car terminology that I don't understand despite Okay, okay, the big one is
the big one? Is this Tom and it's the big one. It's the
big one, the big end. What the fuck is that? What is
the big end? Oh, the big End's gone? What is that?
What are you talking about? It's it sounds serious. Yeah, well,
it's the subframe underneath the engine. So it's it's basically the the the rafters
that are holding up the fucking engine and that can rot on certain brands of
cars like Minis were terrible. Four years ago. We replaced the big end
on a on a Mini that we were doing up to make it look race
and style. That's we don't call them big ends here as Americans would call
them begins, but we call them what did I just say, my brain
run them up? The subframe? Yeah, so it would be part of
the chassis of the car, be part of the car skeleton. But they
are prone to rust, and in a lot of cases you can with props,
you can take it out and buy it, and you unlike a lot
of fucking things, you've got to buy the whole thing, like the hold
the engine in place. Okay, well that makes sense, that's what That's
what I told was it was I had a car that was rattling like fucking
Someone told me like, well, your engine's good, but like the big
end is gone. I was like, all right, okay, I'll take
that. What you're talking about. Yeah, I mean sometimes the mountains that
the engine is is sitting on, they have rubber bushings they're called so they're
little, they're their own little suspenders suspension your washing machine to stop it from
exactly so much like your washing machine. If your ma washing machine was just
sitting flat on the floor, the fucking thing it leapt out through the back
through the back wall. So you do have to have some sort of little
rubber legs underneath it to take take the fucking take the hit out of it.
But in a lot of cases, if you have a rusty it's normally
rust is the problem. Oversalting of roads and stuff like that can eat the
ship out of it. There's a whole there's whole companies around Dublin that make
they make a full time living for spraying your car. Like you can.
You can do it yourself if you wanted, but I wouldn't suggest it's a
dirty old job they do, like chassis coatings and stuff like that. But
there's stuff you can get as wax oil as the name, which you can
paint it onto your metal. It's like fucking hammer, right, you know.
Yeah, sure if you buy a fucking classic, but nobody's going doing
that ship anyway. Nowadays. Some of the problems I'm guessing with cars is
that they actually it's great to have that they have the plastic covering underneath,
but in that they allow and create a fucking I suppose nearly a nice little
fucking sauna and there, you know. But yeah, big end, right,
you know, big end, you know, like you know fucking know
what I'm talking about. I got one last question for you, Tom Apilior,
the man to to use it. What is the best I suppose the
word I'd be looking for here is like lubricant. Yeah, Like I don't
know whether it would be like a grease, like a thick grease, or
like a light lubricant like an oil. But what would be the best one
to use on the system. This question is going the system underneath the passenger
seat of the car that helps that passenger seat when you press the button underneath
the gearstick launch a contact through the roof. First, you gotta find the
nipple, right first, you got to great other. Yeah, you gotta
find the nipple first. I gotta, I gotta, I guess, I
gotta tell you. Sometimes when I press the button, he he doesn't go
all the way, he doesn't pop out the roof all the way, and
he's just kind of like, you know, caught by the legs on the
sun roof, and I I just want to make sure that that's greased.
It's embarrassed. It's embarrassment that you've left to go to that point. You're
trying because you've said, you've said, like the per of thing, you
said, oh, why don't you get a little bit of air, and
you press the button and you fucking done going up with Yeah, I mean,
there's a bunch of things that could be the problem there. I mean,
it might be the you know, the actual compression with it and all
the rest. But I have the compressor, and we hope make the compressor
underneath it so I know the compression is good. I feel like we just
needed you know, I wouldn't put it over. I wouldn't put over the
heavy stuff on it, because it's not You're not asking for a whole day's
workout of it. You're only asking for one, one and one and done.
Damn near I'd be using fucking fin ass fucking lubricant like fucking dare I
say, W forty, there you go, There you go, folks.
We hope over the course of the last two episodes we have, if not
educated you on your car, well then at least entertained you somewhat. But
we're bound to have missed out a whole pile of things. What our tyron
ends. Who knows? Why did they cost so much? Who knows why
do I need to replace them every four months? He fucking knows. Whatever
questions you've left about your car, fucking lob them on over there to the
Tom and Jerry Show. I'm gonna tell them where we're gonna find them.
Tom, We're gonna find us on most social media platforms. I'm at Jerry
McBride, Jerry with a G. He's at Tom monosco Omanny some version of
that'll get you on the Twitters and the Instagrams and the don't come at me
on Facebook. I'm not on Facebook anymore. Probably one of the best ones
I've booked, and just for the Tom and Jerry show alone will be Instagram
and it is Jerry with a G, as you're saying, because it's one
of the most fun ones for photographs we will be putting up. Jerry is
very good with this kind of thing. He'll be putting up photographs of stuff
just to not to Riley up, but at least, at the very least
start a conversation. So same as over on Twitter as well. Fine,
jump on over, have a go come at me, bro, No do
please, because I've gotten stuff wrong, for sure, But let it be
known that it's any of these pieces of nuggets and knowledge or advice that I'm
giving you are born out of a place of fucking find myself being that stupid
prick going why why, God Why? And I'll take you. I'll take
you all the way back to what my owl had told me when I spotted
that he had two spare wheels in the car on the morning, the very
first morning that I borrowed his car, And I said this back at the
beginning of this part one of this, and I got two fucking punctures that
fucking morning. And when he found out, he was the most smug bollys.
And I swear to god, that is twenty four years ago almost it'll
be twenty four years ago in a month, in less than a month's time.
And do you think he's forgotten that? So if you want even a
fucking spoonful of his happiness, I eat in the guise of smugness, just
do the stuff I'm telling you, and trust me, there'll be somebody somewhere
that you've helped. And sure, it's nice to help people, but what's
nice about helping people other than having one up bottom? Now, to be
honest, they owe you something. Oh yes, somewhere, yeah, somewhere
on Tom and Jerry Show basically is what I'm trying to say. Well,
else we want these people exactly. Of course, if this is your very
first time getting on board, you're like, the fuck do I do next?
Hit subscribe, That's what you do on whatever platform you're listening on.
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us on an evening out getting well, let's not let's let's not get carried
away, Tom. If you see me in public, Oh, I want
more people to me. I'm I'm I'm at an age now where I want
to grow. I want to yeah, okay, director, I grow towards
tom Ah. Tom, you can't fucking flee to the country and say come
at me. I live in a fucking crowded city. Oh yeah, yeah,
yeah, oh yeah. I feel invincible out here, by the way,
with this this kind of chat, I get it. I feel vulnerable.
I could be fucking GEO located in a moment. But I'll tell you
above all else, and this is We're gonna wrap it up, pile of
The one thing we want everybody to do is the title of this show,
Tom. We want them to keep it between the ditches. All of these
things should help you keep your car running nice and smooth. And you keep
it running nice and smooth and safely as well. There are bigger problems with
your cars that we have not mentioned. If it squeaks, if it rattles,
if it jiggers, if it moves left and right when you're moving right
and left, take it to the garage, get it sorted, don't fucking
leave it to it, don't let it cause accidents and problems around and like
that. Keep your motors safe and keep your road safe. Keep everyone safe.
How about that? And asking the more than that? Right, like
the best, everybody, like h