WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:11.880 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Doctor Doctor, you 3 00:00:12.119 --> 00:00:20.239 need to lose I gotta bad. Amy AM six forty. You have Doctor 4 00:00:20.280 --> 00:00:23.879 Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. If you 5 00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:27.000 are new to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm 6 00:00:27.039 --> 00:00:31.000 a psychology professor, but I'm obsessed with the science of love. I've written 7 00:00:31.000 --> 00:00:36.000 three books on relationships. My dissertation was on attachment theory, and the ways 8 00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:42.280 that people attach and detach and fight with each other and love each other is 9 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:47.119 basically what I'm obsessed with the science of it. The science of it coming 10 00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:51.479 up in the show today, I want to talk about Father's Day, but 11 00:00:51.640 --> 00:00:55.840 not just the yeah, it's Father's Day, we honor you, dance You're 12 00:00:55.960 --> 00:01:00.000 fabulous and wonderful, which you are. I want to also talk about the 13 00:01:00.039 --> 00:01:07.599 pain that sometimes comes when children alienate their father when fathers want to be good 14 00:01:07.599 --> 00:01:14.400 fathers and can't connect with their kids because of divorce. I'm going to talk 15 00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:19.120 about ways to cope with parental alienation. Also if you are thinking of getting 16 00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:22.640 back with your ex. I want you to think long and hard about this. 17 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:25.879 There a few things you need to do before you go that direction. 18 00:01:26.599 --> 00:01:32.040 Also, in today's culture, there are a lot of serial monogamous. People 19 00:01:32.040 --> 00:01:37.120 are self identifying as serial monogamous as if it's like a sexual orientation. I 20 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:42.480 think it's culturally created and it's a safe place for people who have an insecure 21 00:01:42.519 --> 00:01:46.640 attachment style to hang out in that kind of space. And I actually believe 22 00:01:46.719 --> 00:01:51.599 that a lot of serial monogamous want to have love, want to have commitment, 23 00:01:51.680 --> 00:01:55.439 want to have intimacy, but they don't know how. Let's I'll be 24 00:01:55.480 --> 00:02:00.439 taking your calls and social media questions and tomorrow's holiday that we're going to talk 25 00:02:00.439 --> 00:02:05.239 about. Let's get to Father's Day. You know, we have seventy two 26 00:02:05.280 --> 00:02:12.479 million dads in the United States, and I'm happy to tell you that seventy 27 00:02:12.520 --> 00:02:15.840 percent of children live with two parents. Now let's be clear, they may 28 00:02:15.879 --> 00:02:20.599 not be both their biological parents, but they're two adults in the house who 29 00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:24.479 have an interest in those children. That's pretty good. It's still the best 30 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:30.479 nest we have, you know, to create this environment for kids. About 31 00:02:30.520 --> 00:02:36.879 twenty percent of kids live with a mother, only five percent with a father 32 00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:43.000 only Yeah, hey, kudos to those dudes. And sadly, five percent 33 00:02:43.039 --> 00:02:49.719 of children live with no parents. I want you to understand how the American 34 00:02:49.759 --> 00:02:57.159 family has changed dramatically in the last few decades. In nineteen sixty, seventy 35 00:02:57.240 --> 00:03:01.000 three percent of kids live with two parents, and those two parents were biologically 36 00:03:01.000 --> 00:03:05.319 related to those kids, and those two parents were on their first marriage. 37 00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:12.159 Today, only forty six percent of kids live in that manner. That means 38 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:17.080 less than half of kids are living with parents who are married and both biologically 39 00:03:17.120 --> 00:03:21.680 attached to those kids. So what do we have instead. We've got blended 40 00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:27.719 families, We've got cohabitating parents, we've got single parents. We have of 41 00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:31.560 course LGBTQ parents, some are married, some arn't. But there's no longer 42 00:03:32.280 --> 00:03:39.080 one dominant family form. I think that's kind of cool. I think it 43 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:43.639 goes back to our evolutionary past. The only thing we need more of, 44 00:03:43.800 --> 00:03:46.759 in my opinion, if we're going to be natural to our what is right 45 00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:53.520 for our species is to have more multigenerational households and have a greater tribe that 46 00:03:53.639 --> 00:04:00.960 have impacted kids. Because there's no longer one dominant family form. The role 47 00:04:01.039 --> 00:04:06.879 of dad's has changed. It used to be they were a protector provider. 48 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:14.039 Today they could as often be a caregiver and a nurturer. Remember, children 49 00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:18.120 look for stability and trust. I was in a restaurant the other night and 50 00:04:18.319 --> 00:04:21.600 there was the most adorable little baby in a high chair. She looked so 51 00:04:21.680 --> 00:04:26.240 much like my daughters when they were young, and she was i'm gonna guess, 52 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:30.000 like somewhere between sixteen to eighteen months, and she was sitting so calm, 53 00:04:30.439 --> 00:04:31.560 And as I got up to leave, I went over to the couple 54 00:04:31.600 --> 00:04:33.759 and I said, oh my god, my kids would have never sat in 55 00:04:33.800 --> 00:04:38.000 that high chair in a restaurant, so calm and so sweet, and oh 56 00:04:38.040 --> 00:04:40.120 my gosh, she reminds me and my kids. Said. Okay, maybe 57 00:04:40.120 --> 00:04:43.279 i'd had a couple of glasses of wine. Maybe I was gushing, maybe 58 00:04:43.279 --> 00:04:46.800 I was a little too loud. I don't know, but that baby reached 59 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:49.560 out to her dad and grabbed his arm, like, please get this crazy 60 00:04:49.639 --> 00:04:54.680 lady out of here. But just to show you, even at that young 61 00:04:54.720 --> 00:04:58.160 age, she didn't reach for mommy. She reached for daddy like it's a 62 00:04:58.199 --> 00:05:04.120 weird lady helped me here, you know, dad's. The best way to 63 00:05:04.199 --> 00:05:08.160 be a good dad, I would say this to dad's as much as I 64 00:05:08.160 --> 00:05:11.560 would say it to moms, is to model just being a good person. 65 00:05:12.560 --> 00:05:16.480 Kids don't learn by what we preach. Kids learn by what they see. 66 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:23.959 And also have a good relationship with your kids. For instance, if you 67 00:05:24.040 --> 00:05:28.319 show empathy to your child, Yes, a boy, a boy who's crying 68 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:30.839 because he fell down, it's not the time to say big boys don't cry 69 00:05:31.199 --> 00:05:33.519 or don't act like a girl. It's the time to say you, okay, 70 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:38.160 bud, do you need some help there? Right? If you show 71 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:43.279 empathy when a child hurts themselves, they will learn to show compassion for others. 72 00:05:44.519 --> 00:05:47.040 If you show anger a lot, kids are going to learn to rely 73 00:05:47.160 --> 00:05:51.560 on anger when they get frustrated. Now I know, I'm going to forgive 74 00:05:51.680 --> 00:05:56.079 all your older dads out there, because there was a time where the only 75 00:05:56.079 --> 00:06:03.000 emotions that young boys and men were conditioned to blay or anger. Basically, 76 00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:11.360 that was it. Otherwise it's a strong and silent type. Right today, 77 00:06:11.399 --> 00:06:13.639 I was this morning, I was at home depot. I spent too much 78 00:06:13.720 --> 00:06:16.040 time at home, home depot. I'm a landlady, Okay. I was 79 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:23.199 with a plumber I had to get something and I saw the cutest couple. 80 00:06:23.800 --> 00:06:26.680 It was a dad with I want to say, a three or four year 81 00:06:26.680 --> 00:06:30.560 old son toddling along behind, and the tone he is, I mean, 82 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:35.639 here was this kid just watching his dad. The dad was modeling how to 83 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:40.240 just kind of be in his version his idea of what a man was. 84 00:06:40.800 --> 00:06:43.160 And he's like, come on, a little buddy, I think I think 85 00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:45.560 we got the parts. I think we can go home and fix this thing 86 00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:50.199 now. Just that very short exchange told me everything I needed to know about 87 00:06:50.240 --> 00:06:55.000 that father son relationship. He had him as a little buddy, a partner. 88 00:06:55.240 --> 00:06:57.360 He was showing them the parts they needed. They were going home to 89 00:06:57.360 --> 00:07:00.040 fix something. I thought it was sweet, But I do want to say 90 00:07:00.079 --> 00:07:04.360 this, if you want your kids to have healthy relationships, please model a 91 00:07:04.439 --> 00:07:09.839 good relationship with the other parent. That's the most important thing you can do. 92 00:07:11.879 --> 00:07:15.079 You know. I was talking today to my best friend Maria. She 93 00:07:15.160 --> 00:07:16.959 had an absent tea father. I had a halfway absent tea father, only 94 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:19.720 because he was in the Navy. And she said, well, I'm sure 95 00:07:20.040 --> 00:07:25.920 the dad's of our generation they were mostly providers and not like today. And 96 00:07:25.959 --> 00:07:29.560 I said, well, actually, my dad would get off that ship and 97 00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:31.480 he was the cleaner. He was the cooker. We had way better food 98 00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:36.839 when he was on shore. He was also always building something in the garage, 99 00:07:36.920 --> 00:07:40.800 and his way of showing love to me was building something for me a 100 00:07:40.839 --> 00:07:46.160 bookshelf usually or coming to fix my car. But if you think that stereotype 101 00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:54.079 that the primary wage earner is the dad and somehow you're less masculine if you 102 00:07:54.199 --> 00:07:58.639 make less money than your wife, I want you to dump that stereotype. 103 00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:05.319 Did you know that in forty percent forty percent of American families, the woman 104 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:11.360 is the primary way journey. If you break it down by race, that 105 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:16.240 is more often the case with African American families, followed by white families. 106 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:22.319 Then you get more traditional gender roles when you get into Latino and Asian families. 107 00:08:24.160 --> 00:08:28.199 You know what, Dad, your job is. Become an expert on 108 00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:33.480 your kid's life. Get to know them, the foods they like, their 109 00:08:33.519 --> 00:08:37.600 playground politics, who's in, who's out, what makes them afraid? And 110 00:08:37.679 --> 00:08:43.039 at the same time, show your kids your world, take them the work, 111 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:46.399 take them to your hobbies, Explain your life to them. You know, 112 00:08:46.519 --> 00:08:48.799 I think the highlight of my childhood my dad was in the navy, 113 00:08:48.799 --> 00:08:52.159 as I said, And at one point we were stationed in Victoria, British 114 00:08:52.159 --> 00:08:56.559 Columbia, and he was the captain of a minesweeper. How cool. And 115 00:08:56.840 --> 00:09:03.039 so I actually was able to get permission to bring my entire class on a 116 00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:07.039 field trip on his ship. And I was so proud of my dad. 117 00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:09.919 I got to bring my friends into the captain's quarters, and that was my 118 00:09:11.000 --> 00:09:15.639 dad's room, and I felt very connected to him, even though he was 119 00:09:15.799 --> 00:09:20.120 away a lot. All right. For some of you, Father's Day is 120 00:09:20.120 --> 00:09:24.639 a sad day. It's a reminder of what you lost if you didn't receive 121 00:09:24.679 --> 00:09:28.320 any calls or cards from your kids today. Let's talk about this when we 122 00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:35.519 come back. It's become an epidemic in America. Parental alienation. You're listening 123 00:09:35.519 --> 00:09:39.279 to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I AM six forty. We're live 124 00:09:39.320 --> 00:09:45.799 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 125 00:09:45.919 --> 00:10:00.399 kf I AM six forty. Mother to many, help you cry from brother, 126 00:10:01.879 --> 00:10:09.799 there's far too many hope that KAFI eight and six forty. You have 127 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:13.200 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the doctor Wendy Walsh show, I 128 00:10:13.240 --> 00:10:16.559 remember a few years ago, a bunch of years ago, I dated this 129 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:22.200 guy and I found out that he had a son. And I say that 130 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:26.720 carefully because he never told me. And I was like, and his son 131 00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:28.679 was, I don't know, maybe a teenager at that point. And I 132 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:33.159 said, when I finally cornered him because another friend of mine saw him on 133 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:35.960 the subway with his son in New York and called me and said, he's 134 00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:39.799 got somebody looks exactly like him riding the subway. I said, I've been 135 00:10:39.879 --> 00:10:43.679 dating you for a while and you never mentioned a son. And he was 136 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:48.399 able to say to me, you know, there's so much pain around that 137 00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:54.159 because I'm experiencing parental alienation? Am I at the timeline? What's that? 138 00:10:54.360 --> 00:11:01.960 I hadn't taken a psychology course, but apparently it is a widespread phenomenon in 139 00:11:01.000 --> 00:11:07.200 America. It is when one parent attempts to turn children of any age, 140 00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:11.320 but they're particularly impressionable when they're little against the other parent, so they paint 141 00:11:11.399 --> 00:11:16.759 like a really negative picture of the other parent by always slamming them with disparaging 142 00:11:16.840 --> 00:11:24.639 remarks. The one who's doing it plays victim. They seek emotional care from 143 00:11:24.679 --> 00:11:28.799 the kids, or they hoard the kid's time so the other parent doesn't get 144 00:11:28.840 --> 00:11:35.720 to see them. Right. So psychologists would say that these parents who turn 145 00:11:35.919 --> 00:11:45.679 children against another parent actually operate just like leaders of a cult. They use 146 00:11:45.799 --> 00:11:50.279 the same techniques, and the techniques are and they're well documented in cults. 147 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:56.279 Isolation, keep the kids away from the dad, his family, etc. 148 00:11:56.159 --> 00:12:00.799 Keep control, No you can't go there, No you can't do that. 149 00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:09.120 And then comes the indoctrination that person's bad dangerous. Parental alienation includes things like 150 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:18.200 requiring excessive devotion by the children, lying to the kids about what psychologists would 151 00:12:18.200 --> 00:12:24.279 call the targeted parent, putting down the targeted parent, using emotional manipulation, 152 00:12:26.039 --> 00:12:33.919 and here's the big one, threatening to withdraw their love as punishment for disloyalty, 153 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:39.480 and always creating the impression that somehow the targeted parent is dangerous. So 154 00:12:39.519 --> 00:12:41.639 I did a little bit of research on this. Who are the people who 155 00:12:41.679 --> 00:12:46.039 do this to their children? I'll tell you in a minute how it damages 156 00:12:46.120 --> 00:12:50.759 kids. Most commonly they're women. Sorry, ladies, I know you're mad 157 00:12:50.799 --> 00:12:54.080 about your acts. No, you're mad about your divorce, but you're hurting 158 00:12:54.080 --> 00:13:00.399 your kids. Sometimes it's men. Sometimes it's wealthy men who have better attorneys. 159 00:13:01.000 --> 00:13:07.000 Right, if you google the words coping with parental alienation and go down 160 00:13:07.000 --> 00:13:09.840 one of the internet rabbit holes like a Reddit stream and comment, you will 161 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:15.279 hear from all kinds of women who talk about men with better attorneys who took 162 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:18.559 their kids away from them and how sad they are and how they poisoned the 163 00:13:18.639 --> 00:13:22.279 kids against them. But statistically, it's more often that women do it, 164 00:13:22.519 --> 00:13:28.320 and they target the dad. Also, it tends to be people with personality 165 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:33.600 disorders, either narcissistic personality disorders you must love me, be loyal to me, 166 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:41.879 or borderline personality disorder where they have unstable relationships they fear abandonment. Sometimes 167 00:13:41.879 --> 00:13:45.279 they're doing it to extort money. I'm going to control the kids. If 168 00:13:45.320 --> 00:13:48.440 you want to see the kids, you better give me money, or the 169 00:13:48.480 --> 00:13:52.000 other way around. Their wealth hearing can afford better attorneys. What are things 170 00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:56.080 that trigger it? Well, the big one is abandonment anxiety. If adults 171 00:13:56.159 --> 00:14:01.600 don't learn to keep their abandonment anxiety in check, they're going to use their 172 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:07.679 kids for their own feelings of security. Obviously, it's often triggered by divorce, 173 00:14:07.720 --> 00:14:11.000 a painful divorce, Sometimes people will go through the divorce smooth, everything 174 00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:18.000 will be smooth, and then the targeted parent gets a new relationship and that 175 00:14:18.159 --> 00:14:24.039 explodes everything all over again. We know that this damages children. In fact, 176 00:14:24.039 --> 00:14:30.279 the biological, the psychological, the social impact on kids is enormous. 177 00:14:31.159 --> 00:14:35.200 It can lead parental alienation, especially to small children, can lead to anxiety 178 00:14:35.240 --> 00:14:43.440 disorders, eating disorders, self harm, post traumatic stress disorder. What happens 179 00:14:43.519 --> 00:14:46.639 is kids don't know who to believe or what to believe anymore, so they 180 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:54.080 develop like a confused sense of self. They learn not to trust their own 181 00:14:54.159 --> 00:15:00.559 perceptions because they have a parent that's continually lying to them. But this parent 182 00:15:00.679 --> 00:15:05.039 is their lifeline, This parent is who they love. And yet this parent 183 00:15:05.159 --> 00:15:09.159 is telling them something that's not true. So they learn to dismiss the truth. 184 00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:13.879 They learn to dismiss what their stomach is telling them or their brain is 185 00:15:13.919 --> 00:15:20.159 telling them. You know, all children have a right to know and be 186 00:15:20.279 --> 00:15:24.440 cared for by both parents. And here's the big thing. When you insult 187 00:15:26.039 --> 00:15:31.759 your X, you're insulting heart of your child. No matter what you think 188 00:15:31.879 --> 00:15:37.360 of your EX. When you tell your kids that the X is bad, 189 00:15:37.159 --> 00:15:43.200 you're telling your kids that they are bad. They are fifty percent them. 190 00:15:43.919 --> 00:15:48.879 Now here's the thing. If you are the targeted parent and you're experiencing parental 191 00:15:48.919 --> 00:15:56.120 alienation, there's a good chance that you do some of the most common things 192 00:15:56.159 --> 00:16:03.519 that accidentally make it worse. Okay, So parents who are targeted tend to 193 00:16:03.559 --> 00:16:06.919 be passive because they're like, I don't want to cause more stress to my 194 00:16:07.039 --> 00:16:10.960 kids, so I am not going to get into this, right. They 195 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:17.080 tend to withhold their emotions. They actually often try to be overly accommodating to 196 00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:21.519 the demands of the alienating parent, that awful parent. They're going, Okay, 197 00:16:21.519 --> 00:16:22.799 well, if I can just make her happy, if I can just 198 00:16:22.840 --> 00:16:26.039 give her what she wants, then she won't cause problems with the kids, 199 00:16:26.120 --> 00:16:29.240 or then I'll get to see the kids more. But what does this do. 200 00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:33.519 It emboldens her to have even more power. I'm giving it agender. 201 00:16:33.639 --> 00:16:41.440 Sometimes it is the opposite. What happens is alienated parents. Most often, 202 00:16:41.480 --> 00:16:48.840 fathers fear rejection so much that they actually stop reaching out to their kids more 203 00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:53.480 because they don't want to hear the lies that the X is saying about them 204 00:16:53.519 --> 00:16:57.720 through their children's mouth. So then they exacerbated because the kid is now more 205 00:16:57.759 --> 00:17:03.319 isolated. The kids living in that delusional world of their other parent is bad, 206 00:17:03.319 --> 00:17:07.200 their other parents is bad, and since the other parent isn't there to 207 00:17:07.240 --> 00:17:14.839 defend themselves, then they just believe it. They do believe alienated parents that 208 00:17:14.960 --> 00:17:19.160 they just don't want to submit their kids to more conflict. They want everything 209 00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:22.160 to be chilled, They want everything to be safe for the kids. But 210 00:17:22.319 --> 00:17:32.039 in this way they actually increase parental alienation, They actually do more damage to 211 00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:36.880 their kids. All Right, If you or maybe somebody you know in your 212 00:17:36.920 --> 00:17:40.480 world is experiencing this, I want you to hang in there through the next 213 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:45.119 break. There's a book that you should get called Divorce Poison, How to 214 00:17:45.160 --> 00:17:51.599 Protect your Family from bad mouthing and Brainwashing. It is written by the world's 215 00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:56.279 most respected authority on divorce and child custody, and I am going to summarize 216 00:17:56.680 --> 00:18:03.119 some of his best points on what you should actually be doing if your kids 217 00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:07.039 aren't talking to you. When we come back. You are listening to the 218 00:18:07.079 --> 00:18:11.279 Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 219 00:18:11.319 --> 00:18:17.359 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I am 220 00:18:17.400 --> 00:18:21.319 sixty, k I am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 221 00:18:21.400 --> 00:18:23.880 This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I know it is a wonderful 222 00:18:23.960 --> 00:18:29.799 Father's Day, and I know there are amazing fathers out there, and I 223 00:18:29.839 --> 00:18:33.640 want to wish you the best and most wonderful Father's Day. But sometimes when 224 00:18:33.680 --> 00:18:40.759 these hallmark holidays come up, they can be triggering for others because they bring 225 00:18:40.839 --> 00:18:45.920 up the reminders of pain. And we're talking about parental alienation, which is 226 00:18:47.039 --> 00:18:52.920 much more common something that happens to men. You know, when my kids 227 00:18:53.000 --> 00:18:57.079 and when my father and my kids and I split up. I am not 228 00:18:57.160 --> 00:19:02.160 gonna lie. I had a couple really angry years in there. I mean 229 00:19:02.240 --> 00:19:08.079 I was so mad. And I remember one time venting and a friend of 230 00:19:08.079 --> 00:19:14.079 mine whose kid was at the same preschool, took me aside and just shook 231 00:19:14.119 --> 00:19:17.799 some sense into me and said, you can't say anything bad about him in 232 00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:19.839 front of the kids. You can't, it's going to hurt the kids. 233 00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:23.559 I'm like, he left, that's my no money, and I'm am I 234 00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:27.759 gonna raise these kids. But you know I got through it. I completely 235 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:33.920 forgive him. Now my kids have a relationship with their dad. Nothing makes 236 00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:37.519 me happier than little girls being able to be in touch with their dads. 237 00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:44.640 I think it's very, very important I tell you the story because I want 238 00:19:44.640 --> 00:19:49.039 to remind you that it's not easy. You know, even I, you 239 00:19:49.079 --> 00:19:52.519 know, have these times where it's very difficult, and when you're alone as 240 00:19:52.519 --> 00:19:56.440 a single parent, there's no one to talk to except those kids. Right, 241 00:19:57.079 --> 00:20:03.599 So I understand stand the temptation, but it is very important not to 242 00:20:03.720 --> 00:20:07.599 bad mouth the X, not to do it in front of the kids, 243 00:20:07.839 --> 00:20:12.319 because if you do, you're damaging your own children. You are hurting your 244 00:20:12.359 --> 00:20:15.519 kids, no matter their age. They could be adults, they could be 245 00:20:15.559 --> 00:20:18.960 young adults. You could be back in court arguing over something whatever. Keep 246 00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:25.039 them out of it. It's not their business now. I mentioned before the 247 00:20:25.079 --> 00:20:32.640 break that parents who have been targeted for parental alienation often accidentally make things worse. 248 00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:36.839 They do it because they don't want to stir up more problems with their 249 00:20:36.920 --> 00:20:40.759 kids. They obviously don't want to be fighting back and forth and using the 250 00:20:40.839 --> 00:20:44.119 kids as a little voice box back and forth, so they tend to be 251 00:20:44.200 --> 00:20:48.599 passive. They also, at a certain point reach out to their own kids 252 00:20:48.680 --> 00:20:52.640 less and less because they're just tired of hearing the lies that they want to 253 00:20:52.759 --> 00:20:56.759 challenge but they can't. So I found this amazing book. If you know 254 00:20:56.759 --> 00:20:59.240 somebody who's experiencing this, maybe you should get it. We should try to 255 00:20:59.240 --> 00:21:04.119 get this guy on the show sometime producer Kayla doctor Richard Warshock wr SHK. 256 00:21:06.200 --> 00:21:10.920 The book is called Divorce Poison, How to Protect Your Family from bad mouthing 257 00:21:10.920 --> 00:21:15.119 and Brainwashing. He's known as one of the world's most respected authorities on divorce 258 00:21:15.160 --> 00:21:19.480 and child custody. So here are some of his tips. If you're an 259 00:21:19.480 --> 00:21:23.160 alien alienated parent, what you can be doing. First of all, you 260 00:21:23.240 --> 00:21:27.559 need to practice self restraint. I know you want to challenge the lies, 261 00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:30.480 because the kids are going to come to you and say, but mommy said 262 00:21:30.519 --> 00:21:33.880 you're this, and mommy said you're that, and you're going to get into 263 00:21:33.880 --> 00:21:37.319 a tit for tat to disparage the other parent. You know at your mom 264 00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:41.720 is crazy. That's what you want to say, but you can't because then 265 00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:48.680 you're alienating them. You're alienating her, you're aliena you're confusing the kids even 266 00:21:48.680 --> 00:21:56.119 more so, you just practice self restraint. You don't argue back about it. 267 00:21:56.920 --> 00:22:00.880 You tell them you just have a pat response that's like, I still 268 00:22:00.880 --> 00:22:03.039 love you. I'm sure she said that, and I still love you. 269 00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:10.880 That's it. The other thing is you have to maintain contact. Do not 270 00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:15.920 retaliate by cutting your kids off. Two. Stay open, and when they 271 00:22:15.960 --> 00:22:19.000 do finally reach out or tax, don't make snide comments like, oh, 272 00:22:19.319 --> 00:22:23.960 finally figured out how to use a phone. Huh no, don't bring it 273 00:22:25.079 --> 00:22:33.519 up. Maintain contact, reach out regularly when they talk, listen without defending 274 00:22:33.559 --> 00:22:38.079 yourself. That's the hardest part. Do not defend yourself. If you stay 275 00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:44.160 humble, the relationship will win. And that is the relationship between you and 276 00:22:44.200 --> 00:22:48.519 your kids. Again, whether kids are five or twenty five, they're going 277 00:22:48.559 --> 00:22:52.559 to come back and say, Mom said you're this, Mom said you're that. 278 00:22:52.640 --> 00:22:56.720 You need to just be quiet and listen because they want to know you're 279 00:22:56.720 --> 00:23:02.039 a safe place to vent because they're actually trying to make sense of it and 280 00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:06.279 they're doing it out loud. Here's one thing. You should be telling your 281 00:23:06.319 --> 00:23:11.400 kids regularly that you love them and you will always be there for them. 282 00:23:11.480 --> 00:23:15.920 Now, if they've completely cut you off and there's no contact at all, 283 00:23:15.319 --> 00:23:19.039 you're going to do this in any manner of communication. Possible, whether it's 284 00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:25.640 private dms on Facebook, whether it's old fashioned handwritten letters sent through the US 285 00:23:25.720 --> 00:23:27.960 post Office. I know a dad who said that he wrote a letter once 286 00:23:27.960 --> 00:23:30.839 a week to his children and put it in a box, and when they 287 00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:34.799 eventually came around, he handed them the box of all the years of letters. 288 00:23:37.079 --> 00:23:40.039 And also, forgive and accept your children. If they're being mean to 289 00:23:40.079 --> 00:23:44.240 you, understand that what they're trying to do is just manage their own stress. 290 00:23:44.599 --> 00:23:48.160 Oh and here's the biggest tip. I found this so interesting. Enlist 291 00:23:48.279 --> 00:23:51.440 other people. So your kids need to see you in a positive light. 292 00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:53.759 That's how they get challenged, not by you telling them those are lies. 293 00:23:55.319 --> 00:23:59.480 So hang out with people who love you and bring the kids along and they 294 00:23:59.519 --> 00:24:02.960 see how you're being treated by other people. Also, if there are other 295 00:24:03.000 --> 00:24:06.119 family members and friends, get them to tell your kids what a great dad 296 00:24:06.160 --> 00:24:10.279 you are, not you let them hear it from other people. At the 297 00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:14.799 end of the day, find common ground with your kids. I don't care 298 00:24:14.799 --> 00:24:18.119 if you're into sports with them, something else, some little thing that you 299 00:24:18.160 --> 00:24:22.000 do together. That's your thing. So that's the place where they can grow 300 00:24:22.119 --> 00:24:25.960 a love for you. Figure out what they like and find that common ground 301 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:30.799 that's separate from everything else. It will take time. There is an entire 302 00:24:30.880 --> 00:24:37.039 life span for you to be able to heal and rekindle these relationships. Your 303 00:24:37.119 --> 00:24:41.359 kids aren't going away. You can win them back. Dad, And I'm 304 00:24:41.400 --> 00:24:42.640 sorry you're going through this, and if you're mom, I'm sorry you're going 305 00:24:42.640 --> 00:24:48.400 through this terrible thing. All right. Maybe you're thinking of getting back with 306 00:24:48.440 --> 00:24:52.799 your ex. Hopefully not if they're disparaging you, but maybe you don't like 307 00:24:52.920 --> 00:24:57.440 being divorced and it's time we need to talk about this when I come back. 308 00:24:57.640 --> 00:25:02.039 You're listening to Doctor Andy Walsh show kf I Am six forty would Live 309 00:25:02.039 --> 00:25:07.640 Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 310 00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:11.200 kf I Am six forty. Gaybye Am sixty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh 311 00:25:11.240 --> 00:25:14.640 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I would like to 312 00:25:14.640 --> 00:25:18.039 welcome my TikTok viewers. Hello. If you'd like to see us live in 313 00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:21.279 the studio and you're listening to the radio show, just log onto TikTok. 314 00:25:21.400 --> 00:25:26.160 My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh For those just joining 315 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:30.279 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, and I'm 316 00:25:30.319 --> 00:25:34.559 obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books on relationships. I 317 00:25:34.680 --> 00:25:40.160 want to talk about that feeling when you're thinking, did I do the right 318 00:25:40.200 --> 00:25:44.680 thing? Maybe I should get back with my ex. I'm having these warm, 319 00:25:44.799 --> 00:25:48.759 fuzzy feelings when I think about my ex, whether it's an ex husband, 320 00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:53.319 ex wife, ex boyfriend, ex girlfriend. You know, human beings 321 00:25:53.319 --> 00:25:59.440 are fascinating. We look back with rose colored glasses. Ever heard that expression 322 00:25:59.480 --> 00:26:03.720 before row those colored glasses? It means everything looks prettier when you're looking hindsight, 323 00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:11.039 right, I would say that sometimes our brain goes into the devil we 324 00:26:11.119 --> 00:26:15.799 know is better than the devil we don't. In other words, maybe you've 325 00:26:15.839 --> 00:26:19.960 gone through a breakup, maybe you have tested the waters in the dating scene. 326 00:26:21.519 --> 00:26:23.920 Maybe you've been hurt, maybe you've been burned, and you're like, 327 00:26:25.000 --> 00:26:30.640 maybe it wasn't so bad before, maybe it was okay before. So I 328 00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:37.039 want you before you actually call that axe and say let's let's make another another 329 00:26:37.079 --> 00:26:41.960 attempt at this, let's get back together. Then I just want to answer 330 00:26:41.000 --> 00:26:44.319 this question to the stick talker right now. He said, who listens to 331 00:26:44.359 --> 00:26:47.519 AM radio. I'll tell you who listens to AM radio. Everybody who has 332 00:26:47.559 --> 00:26:52.799 the iHeartRadio app, because every hour that we do on AM radio goes on 333 00:26:52.839 --> 00:26:55.160 the iHeartRadio app. So if you want to listen to the whole show, 334 00:26:55.200 --> 00:26:59.920 you can download the app and search doctor Wendy Welsh. Okay, so here's 335 00:27:00.039 --> 00:27:07.319 some questions to ask yourself before you decide to reconcile. First, why why 336 00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:11.039 do you want to do this? Is it because you genuinely think that this 337 00:27:11.119 --> 00:27:15.880 relationship has another chance? Or is it because you're feeling lonely, because you're 338 00:27:15.880 --> 00:27:19.799 feeling abandoned because you tested the waters in the mating marketplace and realize that your 339 00:27:19.799 --> 00:27:23.799 status wasn't what you thought it was. Either way, there's somebody for everybody, 340 00:27:23.839 --> 00:27:26.400 but we all got to live with the fact that we're not going to 341 00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:32.400 get the highest status mate, not every single person, right, So maybe 342 00:27:32.440 --> 00:27:37.119 you're just longing for familiar because you've lost your footing finding yourself as a single 343 00:27:37.160 --> 00:27:42.480 person. Take some time to think about why before you reach out to that 344 00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:47.519 X, because if it's just about something going on with you and you're not 345 00:27:47.599 --> 00:27:52.319 really imagining that's going to be this great second chance with this person, then 346 00:27:52.480 --> 00:27:57.519 don't do it. Here's a big one and I say this all the time. 347 00:27:59.359 --> 00:28:03.119 Have both of you taken responsibility for the breakup? You see, it 348 00:28:03.119 --> 00:28:08.279 takes two to tango. In other words, both people had a role in 349 00:28:08.400 --> 00:28:14.160 what happened. You can't get back with somebody if you're going to be like 350 00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:17.440 the one falling on the sword, going it was all my fault, I'm 351 00:28:17.559 --> 00:28:22.039 so sorry, or you're going to be the one going okay, if you 352 00:28:22.039 --> 00:28:25.160 admit that it was your fault, then I'll get back right you. That 353 00:28:25.319 --> 00:28:29.920 is not healthy footing to start a new relationship with an old person. A 354 00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:34.839 healthy way is here's the contribution that both of us had that led up to 355 00:28:34.880 --> 00:28:40.319 the circumstances that caused the breakup. Right, I always say, if it 356 00:28:40.319 --> 00:28:42.400 was cheating or it was an affair, an affair as a messenger. It's 357 00:28:42.400 --> 00:28:47.599 a messenger that something's wrong in the relationship and that's why the betrayal happened. 358 00:28:47.799 --> 00:28:49.480 So what was wrong in the relationship, And again, it's not blaming the 359 00:28:49.480 --> 00:28:55.880 other partner, it's understanding everybody's peace in it. But if one of you 360 00:28:56.000 --> 00:28:57.400 is going to fall on the sword and take one hundred percent of the blame. 361 00:28:57.680 --> 00:29:04.079 You're never going to be able to have a healthy relationship later. I 362 00:29:04.119 --> 00:29:08.640 do want you to ask yourself whether you broke up because of a deal breaker 363 00:29:08.680 --> 00:29:12.559 of yours that now you're like, okay, well I will just lower my 364 00:29:12.640 --> 00:29:18.000 standards. This is I remember, Okay, I was a young dating person. 365 00:29:18.119 --> 00:29:19.160 I was kind of a player chicken. I was dating a whole bunch 366 00:29:19.200 --> 00:29:23.599 of guys and they were letting me down and hurting me, and I was 367 00:29:23.680 --> 00:29:30.559 trying to find one who would commit, and eventually I lost faith in the 368 00:29:30.640 --> 00:29:33.000 male species and I just said, I'm just going to lower my standards. 369 00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:37.319 I'm not going to expect much of them. Well, as you can imagine, 370 00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:41.599 things got worse. They got worse. We find good mates when we 371 00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:47.319 have high standards. We find good mates when we stick to our values. 372 00:29:48.000 --> 00:29:52.599 So if you and your ex broke up because there was a deal breaker, 373 00:29:52.119 --> 00:29:57.240 that now you're going to lower your standards for or you're going to change your 374 00:29:57.559 --> 00:30:03.599 core values of who you are just to get back with this person. Not 375 00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:11.720 a good idea. Not a good idea. Let's talk about unhealthy patterns that 376 00:30:11.799 --> 00:30:15.640 are bound to come on back. Let's think of some patterns that people use 377 00:30:15.759 --> 00:30:25.119 unhealthfully in relationships. Do you use sex as a manipulation withholding it or giving 378 00:30:25.119 --> 00:30:30.079 it out based on what you're trying to get the other partner to do. 379 00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:33.200 Do you and your partner have an unwritten rule that says there are certain topics 380 00:30:33.240 --> 00:30:37.480 that shall not be talked about. Do you get the silent treatment when there's 381 00:30:37.559 --> 00:30:44.759 uncomfortable feelings instead of talking things out? Well, guess what, all those 382 00:30:44.759 --> 00:30:48.880 old patterns are going to come back right away. You know, one time, 383 00:30:48.920 --> 00:30:53.160 my therapist still be this funny analogy about getting back to let's say it 384 00:30:53.200 --> 00:30:59.599 was a toxic relationship. He said, getting back with that guy Wendy is 385 00:30:59.640 --> 00:31:03.440 going to be like a drug addict who's fully recovered. And then they go 386 00:31:03.440 --> 00:31:07.200 back and they try one line of cocaine and then before you know it, 387 00:31:07.519 --> 00:31:11.440 they're back into everything again. It's a slippery slope. And that's the same 388 00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:15.880 kind of thing that happens to your brain. Your brain. Love is a 389 00:31:15.960 --> 00:31:18.680 drug, and your X was a certain kind of drug for you, and 390 00:31:18.759 --> 00:31:22.079 you're going to go back into it, and if you don't do it in 391 00:31:22.119 --> 00:31:26.160 a conscious way, then you'll slip immediately back into those old patterns again. 392 00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:30.240 I also want you to ask yourself. Have each of you grown up as 393 00:31:30.240 --> 00:31:34.000 separate people? What I mean is, have each of you gotten therapy? 394 00:31:34.680 --> 00:31:38.119 Has enough time passed that a lot of healing has taken place. Have you 395 00:31:38.200 --> 00:31:44.480 dated other people and saw like different relationship patterns. Have you figured out who 396 00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:48.799 you are? Because if all you did was break up, then take a 397 00:31:48.839 --> 00:31:51.440 little bit of time, dip your toe in the mating market and go, 398 00:31:51.480 --> 00:31:52.319 oh, I don't like this, I just want to go back with them. 399 00:31:52.759 --> 00:31:56.480 You're not going to have a healthy, happy relationship. You're going to 400 00:31:56.559 --> 00:32:01.400 break up again and probably for the same reasons. And the last thing is 401 00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:07.279 have you gone to couple's therapy? No, seriously, broken up people should 402 00:32:07.279 --> 00:32:13.000 go to couple's therapy so that they can become a healthy couple, so they 403 00:32:13.000 --> 00:32:15.920 can learn to have good communication skills. Let me tell you what a license 404 00:32:16.000 --> 00:32:21.240 therapist can help you do. They can help you clarify your own feelings. 405 00:32:21.440 --> 00:32:24.400 They can help you find words for your feelings so you get better communication skills. 406 00:32:24.599 --> 00:32:30.160 They can help you identify your boundaries. Member boundaries a little safe fence 407 00:32:30.200 --> 00:32:34.559 around yourself. A boundary is not trying to get somebody to do something. 408 00:32:34.920 --> 00:32:39.720 It's putting a nice little safe fence around you and choosing a consequence if they 409 00:32:39.799 --> 00:32:45.799 break that boundary. Anyway, getting back with your X is not something for 410 00:32:45.920 --> 00:32:50.599 the faint of heart. And you can look, of course through history in 411 00:32:50.720 --> 00:32:54.119 Hollywood. I mean, didn't Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton married over and over 412 00:32:55.200 --> 00:32:59.079 and there's a lot of that back and forth. Did they have a healthier 413 00:32:59.119 --> 00:33:02.200 relationship? I don't know. I don't know. Can it work? It 414 00:33:02.319 --> 00:33:07.799 can, but usually not unless you do all the work. I call it 415 00:33:07.839 --> 00:33:12.160 going retrosexual. If you're going to go retrosexual, you need to have the 416 00:33:12.200 --> 00:33:15.960 help of a good therapist to lead you through it. Listen, when we 417 00:33:15.000 --> 00:33:20.599 come back, I want to talk about being a serial monogamous, not that 418 00:33:20.720 --> 00:33:23.720 I am that. I was that, but I'm not now a serial monogamist. 419 00:33:24.599 --> 00:33:29.839 I think there's a group of you who are serial monogamous, who actually 420 00:33:29.839 --> 00:33:34.039 want to have a committed, long term relationship, but you don't know how. 421 00:33:35.039 --> 00:33:37.079 Let's talk about that when we come back, and after that, I'll 422 00:33:37.119 --> 00:33:42.559 be taking your calls right down this number one eight hundred five two zero one 423 00:33:42.640 --> 00:33:45.160 five three four. That's one eight hundred and five two zero one five at 424 00:33:45.200 --> 00:33:50.640 three four that's one K five You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show 425 00:33:50.640 --> 00:33:53.319 on kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Apple. 426 00:33:55.319 --> 00:33:59.160 You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear us live on 427 00:33:59.279 --> 00:34:04.039 KFI M six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand 428 00:34:04.319 --> 00:34:05.640 on the iHeartRadio app