Fat. Oh my god, throw me in a knapsack and throw me in
the Colorado River. I'll take drowning any day over that, my god.
Oh no, no, no, If you guys don't mind, I'd like
to point out why I can't stand Swartz. We were talking about elemental death.
Do you want to I understand? I just say it. There's a
lot of stuff on TV. All of it it's good Jim Track. A
lot of it's bad TV. Hilo. Welcome to another brand speaking new episode
of bad TV. My name is Dylan. I'm settled up next to one
Patrick Kicky. Great to be here. Hey Ruby do, Hey bye do
girl, Hey doing. I am good. I wanted to say yam yao,
but it's a dog. That's fine. Are you guys. I'm well.
I'm burning up right now. I'm running a fever. I'm wording gonna
get sick. Don't get well. Remember you get me sick, you get
my children sick. To don't do that away from me, don't do that
to me. My god, Patrick, I can't have that on my conscience.
No, they'll be fine. Yeah, now everybody's gonna be okay.
Hope everybody is having a lovely holiday. Season. I know that we owe
you guys a meet up. The holidays are getting a little bit congested,
so I think what we're gonna end up doing is New Year. Early in
the New Year, when Papaya Do Girl is still in town, we are
going to hop in this studio and have a little happy hour with you guys
to kick off the fun. Have a couple of cocktails. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, before the world starts to burn. Well, we'll you know,
toast the new year. Oh nice. Yeah, it's gonna be twenty
twenty four. It's gonna be a fucking shit show. We just hate election
years. I mean, my god, Well, we don't do politics,
no, no, this network. But I'll say this, what year hasn't
been a shit show? I feel like the last fucking decade it's been wow
well as wacky as Winterhouse. I think not any more PSAs. I think
that's it. Just an out over to Patreon dot com, slash into the
podcast network. Support us over there. Lots of great content. Dylan and
I are killing it with the pmzs. Listeners love it, they love the
APS's. You get two hours of extra content over there, so we're a
little more there. You go all right, so Ruby, No, so
we have got what. We record two shows on Monday nights. We record
Below Deck and we record Winterhouse. And I didn't ever think this was going
to happen. I am more excited and I enjoy watching Winterhouse more than Below
Deck right now. Oh that's been how I feel for a long time.
Deal really yeah, Oh my gosh, well it's really flipped for me lately.
I mean, if I can deliver my snowballs right oh for it,
if I could throw my snowballs right now at everybody like Corey did to his
girlfriend Malia, this episode had it all. We kick things off, which
we'll discuss with just one of the saddest things I've ever heard Danielle say,
the nightmare that is her internal vortex right now is something to behold. Not
to mention, we've got Bumblebee coming in, who was as disastrous as we
knew she was going to be. Corey seems to be inching his way towards
the finale of this season without being without the veil or shroud being lifted,
revealing him to be an absolute massive Claymation Wallace and Grommet looking piece of shit.
I don't know how that's happened. It is like this this sorcery shit
that he's pulling on people. I don't get it. But the episode had
everything and Sandoval's back. I mean, my goodness, I'm gonna have to
take issue with nineteen snowballs. Ruby, Do you mind if I go next?
Not at all? All? Right, So I had a funny thought.
It's kind of a dark thought about this. This is what I do
as watching this show. I'm like, what if there was some bizarre experiment
where these these people were never allowed to leave Winterhouse? Yeah, and eventually
their their language devolves down to just like three words, and those words are
shots and send it right like zeros and ones like binary and then eventually they
just start killing each other. Dark thought. Oh, because they never get
to leave Winterhouse. They're trapped there and they'll grow old. There Are you
going anywhere with that? Or do you just want to see them they're lexicon
devolve and then have them all kill each other, because well, I kind
of want to punish people like Amanda, who turned in another stellar season.
Not well she did all shot tonight. Oh wow, that was fun.
Yeah that was really cool. Actually she's super annoying. I love how Malia
stepped up the flirting as opposed to contained it when Sam was on. There
was almost like she was kind of marking her territory in Quide County. Yeah,
quiet, Yeah. And I also loved Club Neon because I have a
theory why Batman was asked if he do a door guy service. Sure,
they didn't want him to come into the party because he's lame. Yeah.
I thought you were going to leave us in suspense with that theory, but
no, you just came right out and said it. His little arms and
his big muscles were put outside because he is the dork of the group.
No one wants to have sex with him. That's not true. Everybody wants
to have sex with enjoyed the episode. This is so fun. I think
there's only two episodes left, I think, or maybe next. I don't
know. Anyway, I'm having a good time. Ninety Snowballs. I loved
the episode. To me, it felt like a vintage premiere of a Bravo
show from like early two thousands that we all miss. Yeah. It was
sad, it was pathetic, It was hilarious. It was sexy. Feel
warm. Yeah, it was sexy, just like being so icy up there
right, and I agree with you till I actually can't wait to talk about
it. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. Ninety four snowballs. How
did we end up here? Do the mic sound weird? No, it's
just my headphones could probably be turned up a little bit. But I'm good,
Okay, Yeah, I'm fine. Hey, one last note on my
snowballs. I do want to say this. You guys seem very happy to
have Schwartz return. No, oh, you're not, okay, because he
adds nothing. I would trade him, like in some kind of weird trade
for four Sea Rats. I'd give away a main cast member for Vanda pumper
roles for four Sea Rats. I think it'd just be better if he was
an animal. I mean, let's get a house dog, Let's get a
house mule. I mean, what would be better if if we had a
mule in the front yard or in the living room or Schwartz. You know,
I would a lom we Oh my god, we Alama would be better
because they are unpredictable. They're very aggressive and I'll spit at everyone. Yeah,
Sam would love that. There you go, So with Corey, let's
get into it. Last week left off Monday, March twentieth ten, twenty
six pm. Last week left off, Danielle was doing her Stewart Smilly Smiley
kind of moment where she was looking in the mirror and she Okay, she
is devolving into a kind of psychological fracturing where she's developing split personality disorder.
She's talking to herself numerous times this evening. Oh, yes, out loud.
It's not an internal thing where you're kind of gassing yourself up. No,
she is out loud speaking to herself about herself, about other people.
She's absolutely fucking losing it, definitely. Case in point Dylan. She well,
she just got finished turning it up with Batman, and she says that
she, uh, this is a quote. She feels like Alex is kind
of pulling away quite the understatement. Yeah, that's like someone saying Hitler wasn't
a fan of Jewish people. Yeah, well not the same and the same
gratitude, sure, yeah, same stakes. She reminds me of those homeless
people in the street that are mumbling to themselves and every once in a while
your headphones are dead, so you listen and you're like, are they actually
like spouting wisdom? Yeah? And then you think and you're like nope,
never, never mind. Well then you know, sorry, really quickly.
They are spouting wisdom. They're spouting the purest form of wisdom. They have
no ego to protect themselves from ego consciousness. But what that allows them to
do is commune with the fallen angels. Now, it's not beneficial to be
speaking to them on this plane, but were we to be able to tap
into the psychosis of somebody, like, let's say, Danielle, I think
the world would be a better place, but unfortunately she's just too blacked out
in heartbroke. Yeah, yeah, Just to add another point to that,
her saying that alex is pulling away if an avalanche struck that winter house and
it took her out to be relieved. Well, so, speaking of kind
of psychology and mental fragility, let's break down one of the most painful things
that Danielle has ever said. And Danielle has been saying all kind of things
for a very very long time, right, She said that over the past
couple of weeks she has found a part of herself that she hasn't seen in
a while. And we're wondering, as she said that mom would that be
right, because clearly you are just losing sight of everything that makes you up.
But she reveals that the part of herself that she has found recently is
that she is desired. That is so unbelievably. I mean, that is
ramming into an iceberg. We are fucking sinking into the freezing cold Arctic ocean
if that's the body of water. The walls are talking to her. Yeah,
the walls are talking to her. I want to remind her, as
she said this, ten minutes earlier, she was throwing Batman's care package this
mommy bought from all the contents of that on the floor, right. But
it not a lot of personal growth. It makes the conversation that she had
with Jordan's so much more. I'll just use the word sad again. The
projection is just and listen, there's no point to sit here and psychoanalyze snow
rats, right, There's just no point. It's not a fruitful endeavor.
But I think given the drunken transparency that we see this evening, the conversation
with Jordan was just so pathetic, telling her that the only way she derives
value is from men, and then Danielle later saying I've found the part of
myself that I haven't seen in some time that is fulfilled after being desired by
men. I mean, it's just my heart breaks for her. She's just
got to get into some kind of I think equinox would be fine, but
movement is medicine. We don't go outside, take a walk, pet Robes.
Any thoughts on this, you know what, I'll just say no to
be safe. That am I off? Am I off? Now she's losing
her mind. Maybe it's sad, right, yeah, very, I mean
it's sad stuff, right. Yeah. At some point she walks down the
hallway and tells Alex to fuck off. And then meanwhile the house gets word
that Swartz has survived the reunion, and they rejoice like the rebel forces did
when they took out that ad at an empire. Yeah. Boy, the
hierarchy really is on. Like and the ad AD is the chicken. Now,
no, that's the little walking one with the two legs. I'm talking
of. That ad is the four the four legs. Oh okay, yeah,
that's the cow. Well, yeah, I guess it looks more like
a dog to me. What Yeah, don't do this. It's not a
problem to compare Imperial Walkers and weaponry with farm animal. I don't think not
at all. You know, they don't have an issue for that. They
don't have advocates unless when you want to cut their heads off and eat them.
Hey, you know I was going to say, Uh, my point
was, you don't cut that. Clearly is the most famous person on this
show. Why they suck his ass? Oh? I love that take.
I love that take. I also think he's a bit of a puppy dog
and generally a likable guy until you get to know him. But I think
he's a phony. I've seen the foot of him dump a glass of whiskey
over the top of his wife's head. Well, he was only thirty one
when he did that, so I also saw him throw a bottle at Stosse's
head in the first season of vanderbub Rules. He's got a little bit of
a touch of violence in him. He was only thirty when he did that.
So let's get back to the mess. Danielle's on the verge of tears,
saying that she's not upset at Batman, but that she's not sure if
she cannot not take it out on him. I mean, there are drunk
tanks where you just people got to sober up a little bit. Maybe we
should have and maybe I don't know what a fifty one to fifty is.
Is it just you need to go in a soft room for a while,
because Danielle needs to go in a soft room for a while. Yeah,
it would help her out. My buddy, and then I won't say his
name, help him out. Yeah, it's got two kids, he's normal.
Well, when Batman says, upon hearing that it's about other things,
he brings up Alex's name, and she has a quiet panic, quiet flip
out and says dude. And she also slips into this vowel surf parlance like
kind of a lot where she says dude and bro and stuff like that.
And I don't think that that's her, but she says, dude, it's
not that deep it is. We are drilling for oil at this point.
What's happening to her is so deep. Yeah, yeah, the pause that
I've been using to dig my deep deep hull their drills now yeah yeah right,
And I'm not saying deep broadly speaking. This is as shallow as we
can get. But in the well that is her. I mean, we're
at the center of the earth right now, you know. Well, this
neon party starts to rev up, and Batman and Danielle when they chat,
did you notice she didn't apologize for throwing his mummy shit all No, she
defended it kind of, Yeah she did. And then that's when Batman,
I'm sure he's pretty proud of himself for this one liner. He said she
doesn't care about his box because she only cares about her box. Good one,
Batman, will never see you on Winter House. Do you have the
word and I don't mean to, I don't mean to show how the sausage
is made, but do you have the word joke written on your notes?
Oh? Yeah, yeah, I dude, I've been doing that for years.
Really, that's the first time you said that. Yeah, because I
got to remind myself when I'm looking, I'll say, this might be a
funny thing to say. Okay, so funny. Sam is coming the next
morning. They go, oh, amazing, I can't wait to see her
come really quickly. Yeah. When Kyle says to Batman, Casey asked me
to be the bouncer, but we needed the biggest, strongest guy to do
it. I thought it was like when a mentally handicapped child is on a
football team and they are like no, in a great way. They're like,
hey, we want you to come out and take the winning like kick
for the goal, right, knowing full well that whatever happens, everyone will
cheer. Right. That's what it felt like to me when he called Brian
the biggest, strongest. Yeah, yeah, Brian's Rudy. Is what you're
saying without saying it. Yes, I am, Yeah, Brian's Rudy,
And you know, I think that's really really sweet. That's a nice gesture.
But if the game's close, I mean, it's just not they can't
put him in. It's not you got to win the game. Parents are
there. You have to win the game. People's parents are there. There
are scholarships on the line. You can't have an autistic kid come out and
miss a field goal by forty yards. Retrospectively speaking, if Rudy were to
be Bruce Wayne, that would be a film I'd love to see. Sure,
make it right, that's that's the next Batman. I think Robert Pattinson's
gonna kind of do a methody thing. Yeah, you think they'll make another
one of those pieces of ship. Oh yeah, they're for sure going to
do it. Oh, now it's worth mentioning. When Kyle announces that Sam
will be there tomorrow, I'm sorry. When Corey announces that, Kyle suggests,
I love this part. Kyle suggested to Corey, Hey, maybe this
is when you guys, are you know, bro gonna put a label on
this. Corey was quick. This is He shook his head so intensely.
I thought it could have fucking fall fell off, Like that's how I think
he threw up in his mouth. He did. And the reason why it
has nothing to do with he loves Sam. We know that, but he
is so committed to his business. The thought of commitment right now, I
mean, it just it's not going to work. The gyms have to be
open at five o'clock in the morning and they have to close at eleven thirty.
He has no time, no time people that are not him. Sure.
So he also says Sam is really secure and she doesn't get jealous about
petty stuff. So let's tack that on the corkboard for now, and then
we'll get back to it in a minute. We go back to the Jordan
and Danielle conversation. You're low energy because no one's attracted to you. There's
this weird thing happening where I listen. I'm I don't think that this show
is popular enough to have the kind of torrent of hashtag rony tweets and stuff
like that, But I hope Danielle is getting somewhat dragged for her behavior towards
Jordan. I mean, it's bullying. It's it's just so fucking weird.
I mean it, it doesn't matter at the end of the day. And
I don't advocate for bullying really anybody except a lot of people too. Yeah,
except a lot of people. So sorry, I'm gonna just I'm gonna
just shrink into that hole that we've been drilling when we watch Danielle and just
let Pat take it. Sure. Sure, So this is actually Malia that
checks in with Jordan because Jordan's still pissed about Daniell accusing her of being low
energy and yeah, you know, not have any guys to flat with.
Jordan aptly points out, Hey, look here, idiot, I don't let
men defind me. And by the way, half the guys in this house
have tried to fucking sleep with me and I've turned him down, including your
dude, right, and I'm on my feet. I'm on my feet and
I'm clapping. I agree. Yeah, I'm Shia. I'm Shia in a
suit right now. I have a couple notable quotes from Amanda before she's going
to depart the next day. Sure, she says, I have glitter bitches.
Those are the things that keep her on this franchise. And then she
notes later the food arrives and she says, we are energying, energizing before
we send it, sending it is not a thing, not a thing.
But but during that scene when they are energizing, Danielle is being perhaps this
maybe this is when my hands became the drills. She's like just kind of
like cleaning and like mumbling to herself, and she's like, it's just a
really weird way to eat things normally all out but and and people are placating
the situation, trying to say, no, no, this isn't an atomic
flaming bomb in our kitchen in the middle of our night when we're all being
pretty lovely. Yeah. Well, she as she retreats to her lair if
you remember this roubs, and she's talking to herself, still talking to herself,
she says fucking idiots under her breath. And meanwhile Alex, Alex tells
us if she was dead, it'd be a better trip for him, you
know. And then he also adds if a coyote pulled her into the forest
and devoured her by a pack of wolves, Alex would say about time,
let's break down that hypothetical that wasn't said. If a coyote yep dragged her
into the forest and was eaten by a pack of wolves, it would be
better. So one, we know that coyotes don't really have the gumption or
the jaw strength to carry a full grown human that far through the snow into
the woods. You know. They just that's nuts, just not there their
game. Also, I don't think that a pack of wolves would really I
mean, maybe there's this kind of budding Disney movie that's happening in Speedboat where
the wolves in the Hyaena the coyotes are getting along. But I'm not really
sure that anything you said made any fucking sense. And I'm actually I'm pretty
pissed off right now. No, you're so right. The form that she
can enter when she is blackout drunk, is this really, there's no other
word than toxic. And I don't want to, you know, lean on
gen Z parlance and say stuff like that. But when it works, it
works. You know, riz works. It's Oxford's word of the year,
and it just works, you know. And toxic is what is happening with
Danielle. Everywhere she goes, she has a gloom and a blight to her
that is just shooting off in every direction. She's pissed about the Chinese food.
Who could be pissed about Chinese food, especially Chinese food that just shows
up outside your door. You didn't even have to order it. Well,
she did order it, you know at some point club, Yeah, yeah,
go ahead. I was gonna say, at some point, no,
no, no, go ahead, what were you saying? Now, I
was just gonna say, she just gets so mad at them, and they're
eating it in a very very normal way, actually, and I wanted to
point that out. Nothing they were doing was wrong. Well, the box
was the box was on the island. Who oh, it's it's really odd
how we're eating with a box on the table. Huh. Would you go
away right now or take ecstasy or something to turn your frown upside down?
Now she does, But then Malia follows her in the room and she tells
Danielle come back and join. And I always love when people give you like,
absolutely incorrect information. I've done this to people. People have done this
to me. She assures her that Alex is definitely not flirting with Jordan at
Club Neon. Yeah. The only problem is he's absolutely flirting with Jordan in
Club Neon. Yeah, I know he is. He is now the Club
Neon proceedings, you know, they go on and there's nothing really of notary.
Amanda takes a jellow shot and after a few bed jumps, we head
to bed. At four point thirty in the morning, we wake for the
next day in the house is an absolute nightmare. Everyone smells a fireball.
And that is when Kyle and Amanda I believe it's here, have a conversation
about how their parents, oh proud dog parents, Dylan. Of of course
their dogs are named Reese and Rider. And this is when you need to
leave the show. This is the white flag that says, I give up.
I'm not even trying anymore. We're having a conversation about our fucking dogs.
Naming a bespoke, five thousand dollars dog that you got from a breeder.
Rider is one of those things that makes me so irrationally angry. It
makes me I can't stand the people in I can't do the people in Brooklyn
with Berna Doodles anymore. I just can't do it. It's like they are.
They have an instruction manual. It's an ll bean bullshit instruction manual.
And I just want people to live their own lives. You know what I
mean? Because that was planted in your head from somewhere. You know you
can't name that dog Rider? Well, I think actually there's something even more
childish about it. My daughter, who's three and a half, our favorite
show is a show called Paw Patrol. The number one dog that saves the
world is a dog named Rider. I think Kyle's a big fan of Paw
Patrol. It would make sense that tracks that would be his favorite show.
These dogs are crazy. Send it, Manna Ruby. Can you can you
speak on the bespoke breeder called Sure again? Just to be safe, I
think I have to say no here, okay, great, so is to
not alienate so okay, so slip some fucking king let's call a Rider.
So uh. Danielle is doing a little self inventory. She didn't do anything
wrong, she was just defeated. And she this is the second or third
or fourth or fifteenth time that she's done this where she wakes up the next
morning having absolutely massacred everybody's vibe and just goes that great, who what hey?
Who wants a burrito? Because I'm starving, you know, And it's
like, hang on a second, you turned into a sea dwelling witch last
night. Why are we just going to pretend like that didn't happen. But
everybody's waisted, they're too tired. How about that half hearted apology to Batman?
She says, Hey, I'm sorry, bro, that's that surfer thing.
Yeah, but who opens mail at a party? I was sinking,
take it easy, turtle wax, My god, I was thinking. The
order of words that that was constructed has never been said on the planet Earth.
What's up? I'm sorry, bro? But who opens mail at a
party? Right? Right? I don't think that's that's the only time that's
been said before. Yeah, it's it's an arbitrary criticism to have with somebody,
fair enough, Yeah, you know it is. Yeah, Ribby,
please speak on the bespoke dog breeding culture we have right now, again,
so many people like are so connected to their parents' dogs. It's not even
their call. And I don't want to make those people feel like they should
kill themselves, right right, right, Yeah, totally. So Alex is
missing his tom and he has decided that he is going to deflect for the
rest of the day, and then we get to the plans for the road
ceremony in the moon Bikes. Now, Danielle says this is another thing which
is just a poisonous aspect to her character. She says that things might go
a little weird. She hasn't told Sam that Casey called her a piece of
trash, which is that kind of thing that Danielle is is so the Kyle
Richards, so the one that will sit on top of a grenade and then
just pull the pin right when the tallies are all you know. So I
was almost certain that she was going to throw that out at the roast ceremony.
She didn't. She delivered one of the most bizarre It wasn't quite as
sad as her saying that I haven't seen the part of me that needs men
to gratify myself in a while, and I missed that girl. It wasn't
quite that sad, but it was sad. We'll get there now, Dylan.
It's worth pointing out Danielle has not didn't say it during the roast,
but it still is an important piece of information that could be used at a
later date on her right. So Sam arrives our little bumblebee herself. I
that's how they greeted each other, the only way that they could. I
don't know, m okay. I don't hate Sam because I don't care about
Sam. But in the world where we're talking about people that we don't care
about, God, do I hate Sam? Well? I all right,
if we're talking about the Winter, can't say. If we're talking about the
Winter her house world, then it's got to be the girl that owns the
flower shop. Oh no, she's great. Oh okay, I disagree.
Yeah, Sam belongs here. She's played the game, she said to have
her non boyfriend that she's not kind of dating be on a television show,
awaiting anxiously like what the fuck is this guy up to? He's gonna make
me look like a complete eddiot. Well, unfortunately those things are not coursing
through her brain at all. She was waiting by the phone, and when
the call came. She came quickly in a shirt that said Corey's Ruby.
Yeah. So I have a lot of things to say. One and I'm
saying this. I know that I look like a Berkeley pottery teacher ninety eight
percent of the time, and that's my choice. With less collar, she
with less color. Yes, what she arrived in was not acceptable for a
plane outfit of almost five hours. And also everyone in the house just looked
like such ass and she looked so she looked so done it made me annoyed.
And Corey saying you look hot, and Kyle saying you look like a
bumblebee and the girl saying you look fresh was the best way we could have
done it right. And of course Corey says you look hot and rubs.
I want you to take the limitter off because I know that you have daggers
and they're sheathed right now. And I understand that you don't want to alienate
and you're doing your you know your anime rice heating face right now. You
know where the teeth rill big and stuff. But I do want you to
just be here with us. Okay. I know it's a little scary,
but Sam is in love with Corey, and if a person is in love
with Corey, then we can we can make fun of them. It's a
little bit like it would be wrong to do an impression of r FK going.
The FDA has been a captured agency for years. But when he runs
for president, then you it's open It's open season, you know, so
you know, just just we We're here for you, is what I'm trying
to say. Uh So he's jumping up and down, and we head to
the room to chat with Sam and Corey. And this is when I'm at
an eleven with these two goblins. I absolutely I already despised them, but
then we get to this conversation. I couldn't believe what came out of his
mouth. I've enjoyed letting certain people that I dated in my past know that
I was I was suitable. Yeah, or what saw it after? He
Dylan, you probably will explain this better than me, but or do more
justice. But this douchebag really douches it up here. And let me be
clear, I don't like Sam. I want Corey to go to Abu Gray
for a while. So let's not get it twisted. There is sarn and
there's salamon. Okay, one is worse than the other. So speaking of
fucking orcs, let's talk about these two. Corey when she is straddling him,
because that is their dumb, dumb language. They only speak sex because
they are they are shallow worth creatures. They're they're mud crabs. Yeah,
he says, all the girls wanted to fuck me. She says, I'm
sure they did, because that is the capital that she cares about. That's
what gets her off, that's what makes her fall more in love with Corey
because she is with a hot guy and that's cool to her. He says,
I was I told all those bitches that I'm dating somebody and amoo.
So this is this is what's confusing to me about Corey, and I hope
that in the reunion he finally get because Corey has been allowed to come on
Summerhouse in Winterhouse and just be this kind of cors light shotgunning and can smashing.
I wanted to say it, I'm not going to say it. I'm
not going to say the word. He also is basically the same version that
Schwartz is trying to project, which is the og will occurs. I'm just
a nice guy having fun. And you know, I'm not out to hurt
anybody. I'm not here for anything serious. Yeah, but you are hurting
people, yeah, laying waste of people. He is emotion. He is
a hyena. He is not a lion. He is a fucking cackling dog.
So right, and also, just like Schwartz, we must keep in
mind, was a cackling dog hyena to his wife of and of girlfriend and
everyone else that he cheated on, fucked and lied to and everything. So
so lest we not forget that the g Willickers doesn't work on us, because
much like Ramona Singer needs to be reminded of often, we have it on
camera, right right, right right. I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know what you're talking about. I do not remember that Ramona
you asked why they all had to be black for Black Shabbat. I just
it was a question. I don't I don't think I I might have anyways,
So the next thing you know, her pants are off and they're a
spit everywhere, you know, I mean, it is amazing how quick her
pants were off. Cool stuff, young kids. So Tom heads back,
Well, the legend dude when he showed up at that house. That greeting,
you would have thought Oprah was giving away some of those fucking cars.
Man. People lost their mind. Alex said, I'm shaking right now.
Yeah, fucking that. The welcome that he got compared to the welcome that
Sam got was Adam Sandler ruining the surprise in the beginning of Big Dad.
Sure, yeah, but Sam is not a legend. No, Tom is
a legend. He's savoring every moment of this where he is not living across
the street from a Wiener stencil and he makes a misstep. He calls Katie
Floody and you can tell she's she's injury and you're high again, and she's
just wondering what's going to happen. So let's get to the moon bikes.
Okay, Corey is wrestling and fifth grade boy flirting with Malia, So naturally
Sam is going to go after Malia. More on that at five, because
while I did think when we were teased that Sam was going to attack Malia,
I thought, of course, Sam is going to be an idiot and
not take umbrage with Corey but rather go after Malia. And after this episode,
I do back Sam a little bit more with going after Malia, I
said a little bit more, not completely. Don't give me that eyebrow.
Don't you give me that eyebrow? Rube. Okay, well I let him
know why you disagree, Rubs, because this and this is a big issue
that I take with anybody. And forgive me. Sheaths are off. Adopt,
don't shop unless you can't control it. And your parents bought the dog
and if you do choose to do it, you're a monster and fucking fuck
you. That being said, still listen and everything, And that's just my
opinion. It doesn't matter, right. Why I disagree is because Malia is
a stranger sea rat on a show who has never met this person she owes
her not arguably fundamentally nothing, the person that she's not dating for eight months
that she somehow loves, that's the person that she should be upset with for
not making it clear that it actually isn't okay to be humped in the snow
repeatedly or get in my bed repeatedly. That's not Malia's job to say,
Oopsie, popsy, that's not allowed. But that's your you're not boyfriend's job.
And I one hundred percent agree with you. Adopt, don't shop,
but also maybe sometimes shop because you just never know what you're gonna get,
you know what I mean? I want to I say that I really do.
I don't want anyone to kill themselves, and I do think that there
are acsenuating circumstances. And we have two dogs that we rescued and they're fucking
insufferable. So you know that's what we got. Hey, can I share
a thirty second personal story? Actually have experienced this? Get this. I'm
dating my wife. We were dating for about five months. It's right around
Christmas time, ten years ago, and we show up to a Christmas party.
I recognize my friend Ostrander. We have a brother sister relationship. Somehow
I end up picking her up and flipping her up on. It's something that
we would do because we, you know, have been friends for fifteen years.
My girlfriend, who's my wife, sees this, doesn't say anything.
At the Christmas party, we drive back home, she lets me have it.
She didn't go after my friend Ostrander. She told me she was pissed
at me and she didn't want to see that again. Yeah, good for
her, but listen, I completely agree that that she should be going after
Corey. I mean we said it the whole episode. I don't know how
the g Whillaker stuff is flying. It's fine because Sam is stupid well and
you're good looking, getaway or yeah, digmatized. But when Malia is as
active in the flirting as she is directly in front of Sam and knows exactly
what she's doing, Malia traffics in the same kind of gas lighty behavior where
she's like, nothing's going on. Okay, it's still inappropriate and I don't
fucking like it at all, so please stop. But more on that.
At five, Tom Schwartz sits down on the inner tube and it pops,
And that's just one of those moments where if you've gained a little bit of
weight, you know your mind immediately goes to that place, right And who
knows? It probably is the Jilipenio poppers, because when you smell them,
you can't not walk across the street in your sweatpants and flip flops. One
sweatpant is high up on the knee, the other is down to the floor.
He is a mess. So it probably is those Jilipino poppers. But
I do feel a little bit bad for chubby Tom because he was just like,
does that mean I'm getting fat? I mean it kind of does.
Yeah, it's sad. Can I do it? Meanwhile, Tuesday, same
day, three point fifty four pm, Swartz has been avoiding floods all day
and he makes a joke because he can't force the Swarts. Is that his
joke? That was wow? Yikes? Yeah? Yeah. So we wrap
up with the moonbike time. Tom is telling Alex to do stuff, and
Alex is telling Tom to do stuff and who cares. But we get back
to the house, Sam, Danielle, and Amanda have a chat. The
irony of Sam saying that she is not insecure is not lost on anybody,
and the fact that she is on the step beneath Amanda and Danielle made it
so much more hilarious because she looks like she is from Whoville talking about how
she is not insecure at all, screaming about it. Was she on a
step lower than them? Okay, yeah, that was very odd. Yeah,
force perspective, Yes, yes, it was like the Gandolf and Bilbo.
Yeah, and that is exactly what it was. Right, So we
refer to this blind this blind tip. This is the reality TV ecosystem?
Is this the back channeling that Danielle does to Malia giving her the four to
one one to dial it back a little bit. Is that your what you
were? I know, the the what are they called blind items? Yeah,
there was something on the social media that was shared that, you know,
Malia and Corey responded being flirt So I just loved how they refer to
it as the blind And then we get to the roast, and I don't
mean the roast like the Friars Club, I mean the beef. Uh.
Casey is calling her mom in a just a fucking love actually kind of serendipity.
I mean, this is completely out of a romantic comedy. Two different
scenes. One person's calling their mom to learn how to make curry. The
other is calling their mom to learn how to make a roast. These two
should be together, and that is why we all ship them. I mean
I ship them so hard. I love Casey and Batman together. It's just
perfect. Totally agree with you. So Alex and Danielle sit down and this
is this is the you know, this is the treaty that we you know,
all the leaders have to get together and we got to figure this out.
Right, Alex says, you are a dementor and you scare me and
she says something like fuck you bitch or something like that. Look, that's
the overall like that, That's how I describe it. But I have the
game film here if you'd like to hear it. She stays she's cool to
be friends with benefits. He says uh, And then he says he's not
going to try and teach her or anything because she's old or something. Yeah,
And that was to let her know that she's ten years old than him.
Yeah. And then if he bangs her, she needs to leave him
alone because he's probably going to want to try and bang someone else the same
day, you know. Yeah. And then it ends with him preferring the
road of friends without benefits, to which she says riveting, gets up and
storms off. Now this is the issue with Danielle. You know, there
are these conversations that everybody says, oh, you should have that conversation with
her. The problem is when the conversation is over, she's going to turn
into the M eight again. She's going to start drinking, and then the
fuse is going to get lit, and then everybody's just going to watch it
trundle down towards the explosive and then it's going to eventually go off in everybody's
fucking face. So she is a bank robber that you just cannot negotiate with.
She's just going to kill everybody. That's it, right, And Amanda
seeks refuge in her husband and says, listen, we're contractually bound. So
you have to go fall on this blaming fucking sword upstairs covered in poison.
Right, And by that, I mean you go talk to Danielle because her
and Alex just had a conversation and yeah, I don't want to. Yeah,
and Kyle doesn't do a good job. Really, he doesn't really get
anywhere. Well he not only does he not get anywhere. He asks Danielle,
do you think that him and Alex are going to hook up? And
I believe she says, or sorry, him and Jordan are going to go.
I think that she says she will burn them at the stake. She
says, I would I would love if they hooked up, go for it,
ellipses, and if they do, I will burn them at the stake,
which is this kind of colloquialistic death that we know very well. But
I mean, really think about the pain that you would have to go through.
I made poor Joan of arc. My god, I mean just flames
licking up at your shins first and then just taking over your entire body.
I mean, I'll take drowning eat oh god, your base of your feet,
Oh my god, Throw me in a knapsack and throw me in the
Colorado River. I'll take drowning any day over that, my god. Oh
no, no no, If you guys don't mind, I'd like to point
out why I can't stand Swartz. We were talking about elemental def do you
want to I understand. I just say how he covered it. All right,
Alex heads into Swartz's or their shared room, and Swarts is there with
his black socks on on a pillow, playing around on his iPhone. Yeah,
okay, He's supposed to be on a TV show, right that,
which means he's got to be like interacting with other people, you know,
in the house. Real World, the TV show, which has not been
on for about ten years. Real World famously, after the third season eliminated
member iPhones didn't exist. Then they eliminated televisions from the house because a couple
idiots would just sit around all day and watch TV. Nobody wants that.
So you got to take the phones away. They can't even have their phones.
You got to get Swartz out of that bedroom, and he's got to
interact because as outside that door, there's a bunch of his fans trying to
get his d in Floody's pe Can you imagine the shit fit that Pedge would
throw if they were like, you can't have your phone this season. No,
she wouldn't go. I'm an influencer. I'm so sad that I've lost
so much love for Pedge. But anybody that is that infatuated with Greg,
I just I can't do it. And I know she hates him. No,
I think she loves Greg. I love Greg. I know everybody the
only one that looks good. I just watched last night's episode. Everyone looks
terrible. All the guys I'm talking about, they're all bloated. They're like,
right, they're rounding that corner of looking like bloated, old, gray
haired fat dude. Yeah, shep Rose is getting what the fuck is his
and in four years he will be creepy. He is not going to be
good enough at anything to want any twenty anything year old to fuck him.
Right, and that's exactly, in my opinion, what he fucking deserves.
I think he's a grotesque human being and that solid he looks like a dead
body. Yeah, adopt on shop Ruby, who was the guy from the
first season that had accusations of uh uh oh Thomas Thomas Rabbit. Shep is
rounding that he's becoming right looking at the same as that dude. Yeah,
and he's always say and I mean this and a not in like a bad
way, in it really creepy, horrific way. Ten points for Shep shocking
that no one has come out and said anything about him in the last however
many years. Yeah, I know, I know, Yes, great job.
Well, eventually they come home to roost. I mean, did he
thought he could get away with it? Oh? Yes, Okay, so
let's get to the roast. Speaking of the roast, it looks perfectly cooked
on the inside and a wet gray crust on the outside. It's very difficult
to achieve the kind of broil on the outside that you need for that to
look aesthetically pleasing. While it was a rosy kind of undercooked and tough medium
rare uh, the outside had a dead gray crust which was similar to shep,
you know, it's just fetted and unseasoned, and nobody really wants that.
But the Friars Club is what we need to get to. I mean,
Rickles himself, the ghost of Rickles himself took over these youngsters. I
disagree, Jeffrey Ross, they are not right. Well before that, Corey
says, Casey says, can I get any any thing from inside? And
Corey says, get a new personality and then says, with head on a
swivel, kind of looking for appreciation and adoration. That was an old Grandma
joke, but it was pretty funny. I don't know what to say other
than rock em sock them. I want this guy to get rock em sock
em just once, so well, not more than once. Also, Casey
has the best personality. She literally put on fur to change her energy.
Yep. She, you know, without a doubt, the best personality out
of anybody on this show. So let's get to the roast. This is
the best idea. This is the best theme night that we could have possibly
had with that. It's messy, it's shady, it is it should be
done every season. I agree, I say something it is there. I
couldn't agree with you both more great idea. That being said, maybe next
year we explain what a roast is, right, you know, yeah,
yeah right, Well maybe not to the audience, but definitely to the people
who are doing it, just so that they know what to do, because
a lot of them didn't. Malia is the first person who misses the assignment
and just does an all out, singular attack on Sam. There's a difference
between roasting and then bullying via puns, and that's exactly what Malia did.
She said, I know you've had a lot to wrestle, which was just
mean. I mean, it was just Slytherin Welcome to Hogwarts. Mean.
Then we get to the best roast of the night. Danielle's was the best
but for yummy, cringey, vomit inducing yumminess. But Batman's was, without
a doubt, the best of the night. He said that Corey's jewelry looks
so cheap. He probably got it on the corner where he picked up Sam,
calling her who. The fact that that little guy came out of the
woodwork and delivered that out of pocket attack on the two of them was just
insane. I mean, the guy has been completely destroyed by his parents.
He does not know how to operate in the real world, and I love
him for it. Yeah. Yeah. And then we get to Danielle rubs
you want to take this? I don't. I can't. My hands are
too sharp. Yeah. So Danielle says that Alex told me that he likes
me and that we've been She says that me and Alex have been fucking and
that he says now that they just want to be friends. And that is
the biggest joke of this entire roast. Now, Kyle says, WHOA in
his paw patrol kind of way. But the only thing, the only real
appropriate response to that is for her to sit down and for everyone to be
quiet and wonder how to get out of this silence, because that is the
most awkward, nonsensical thing you could ever bring to this proceeding. She's absolutely
losing it. She lost her mind. Mm. So post roast, we
end with a chat between Sam and Maliah. Doesn't go well. Malia asks
to speak with Sam. It seems like this is going to go pretty well,
you know. Yeah, Malia and Sam Chad and Malia tell Sam she
came in hot. Sam tells Malia the internet was telling her things, you
know, that one of those blind things. And then Malia informs Sam that
Corey said that he wasn't dating anyone. Yeah, and that's when the wheels
come off. I don't think Malia likes Sam. I understand why Malia doesn't
like Sam. Sam is not the same kind of girl as Malia. I
don't think that Malia respects people like Sam. With that being said, I
think that Malia was on a mission to destroy her. I don't think that
it was in good faith. I think that Malia brought her aside to give
her a nuggy and push her head underwater. And that's exactly what she did.
You know, she's swirling her in the toilets in the men's bathroom.
But I also do think that in that moment you see Sam, she's like,
oh my god, right, good to know, okay. And I
do think that Malia is doing it to be a bitch, but that isn't
like her place of operating all the time. Like, again, your boy
friend is the one who said I'm single and I want to fuck everybody and
I don't have a girlfriend, and you've been posting pictures of him and you
together, like she posts vlogs of them vlogs. That's that's. She wore
a shirt with his name on it when she showed up, and he's tackling
women in the sand. And not only that, he told her nine hours
ago that he did the opposite of what Malia is saying right now. More
on that at five. We'll see what happens next week. Jumping the iTunes
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We love you guys very much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat Say goodbye
bye, guys, bye bye. There's a lot of stuff on TV,
all of it. It's good tracks, a lot of it and TV HM