WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:06.280 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You 2 00:00:06.360 --> 00:00:10.720 are listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. This is the Doctor Wendywall Show. Welcome 3 00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:14.919 to the show. Okay, sit back, because for the next two hours, 4 00:00:15.199 --> 00:00:17.800 I want to talk about your love life. You know, it's something 5 00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:21.719 really interesting. I've producer Kayla with me right now. Kayla, do you 6 00:00:21.800 --> 00:00:25.199 find that when you tell people you work on the Doctor Wendy Wall Show, 7 00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:29.199 do they often say, ooh, she talks about sex. Do you get 8 00:00:29.199 --> 00:00:32.759 that love? Yeah? I do. And it's so weird because only every 9 00:00:32.840 --> 00:00:36.439 once in a while do I talk about sex. I'm not a sex therapist. 10 00:00:36.520 --> 00:00:40.079 I'm not a sexologist. I happen to have a PhD in clinical psychology. 11 00:00:40.119 --> 00:00:44.439 I've written a few books on relationships, but I rarely talk about sex 12 00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:49.280 unless it's in the context of relationship skills, like when is the right time 13 00:00:49.320 --> 00:00:53.159 in a relationship to have sex for the first time? Well after you've built 14 00:00:53.240 --> 00:00:58.320 trust. But I don't give plumbing tips. I don't know why people always 15 00:00:58.759 --> 00:01:00.560 you know what. I actually ran into Mark Thompson in the hall and he 16 00:01:00.600 --> 00:01:03.759 said to me, I love your show. I listened to it all the 17 00:01:03.799 --> 00:01:07.079 time, but I don't listen to it with my girlfriend because of all that 18 00:01:07.159 --> 00:01:11.439 talk of masturbation. Why do I talk about masturbation. I don't think you've 19 00:01:11.480 --> 00:01:14.200 ever talked about masturbation on the show. Okay, so if you're new to 20 00:01:14.239 --> 00:01:17.519 the show, I talk about the science of love. Yeah, the biological 21 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:19.359 those are the neurochemicals that may help you fall in love or keep in love, 22 00:01:19.680 --> 00:01:25.319 and also the psychological and the social piece. That's what I talk about. 23 00:01:25.560 --> 00:01:29.480 Do you know why I talk about it? Because love is super good 24 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:34.400 for your health. Love is amazing for your physical and your mental health. 25 00:01:34.599 --> 00:01:42.480 There has been study after study that has found that people who are married report 26 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:48.719 higher levels of happiness, they live longer, they drink less alcohol than their 27 00:01:48.840 --> 00:01:52.120 unmarried counterparts. Okay, now I know now you're thinking, oh, so 28 00:01:52.159 --> 00:01:56.280 she thinks everybody needs to get married. I don't necessarily think that we need 29 00:01:56.319 --> 00:02:00.439 this institution of patriarchy. But there are ways to get the health benefits of 30 00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:05.840 married people. And mostly it's about consistency. So if you listen to me 31 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:07.960 for a few years, you know, or if you've written my books, 32 00:02:08.400 --> 00:02:13.120 that written my books, you might have written my books. You might have 33 00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:16.879 written a anecdotal story that appeared in my books. No, if you've read 34 00:02:17.159 --> 00:02:23.000 my books, you know that I spent a lot of years with a dysfunctional 35 00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:28.319 attachment style. It was only after years and years of work with a licensed 36 00:02:28.319 --> 00:02:32.960 clinical therapist where I learned how to calm down my anxious attachment style, how 37 00:02:32.960 --> 00:02:39.240 I learned how to be attracted to somebody who has a secure attachment style. 38 00:02:39.719 --> 00:02:46.879 My favorite metaphor for the stages of growth as we grow internally is this. 39 00:02:47.400 --> 00:02:52.280 Imagine your dysfunction, and we all have dysfunctions. Is a hole in the 40 00:02:52.280 --> 00:02:54.479 street. You're walking down the street, you don't see the hole, you 41 00:02:54.520 --> 00:02:59.479 fall in. Okay, Eventually you go to therapy and the therapist says, 42 00:02:59.520 --> 00:03:01.759 you know, this be your problem. So now you're walking down the street 43 00:03:01.879 --> 00:03:06.400 or going through a dating app, and now you see that hole, You 44 00:03:06.439 --> 00:03:10.599 recognize that hole, and you fall in it again. The third stage is 45 00:03:12.199 --> 00:03:15.960 now you've grown a little bit more. You have better awareness, better self 46 00:03:15.960 --> 00:03:19.960 control, able to manage your emotions. You walk down that street, you 47 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:23.479 see that hole, you recognize it, the player, the player, chick, 48 00:03:23.680 --> 00:03:25.240 the person who's going to break your heart, et cetera. And you 49 00:03:25.439 --> 00:03:30.960 very carefully walk around that hole. That's stage three. Stage four is you 50 00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:36.719 take a different street. And I feel like I did that with my relationship 51 00:03:36.759 --> 00:03:40.199 with Julio. I've been with Julio for three years now, and it's just 52 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:46.039 a different relationship because he's a kind caregiver and I'm used to these kind of 53 00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:53.759 stone wall avoidant alpha guys who aren't warm and fuzzy, and now I got 54 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:59.479 warm and cuddly and fuzzy. But I learned to take a different street. 55 00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:02.759 And here's how I will describe how I feel now, and this is why 56 00:04:02.800 --> 00:04:06.759 I know my health must be better. I just feel calm, I feel 57 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:11.000 at peace. I'm not worried if he's gonna call me back, or he's 58 00:04:11.000 --> 00:04:15.599 gonna show up, or can I trust him? Right? So research also 59 00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:21.120 shows I mentioned that he's a cuddler, that hugs and handholding actually can lower 60 00:04:21.199 --> 00:04:28.399 your blood pressure because they increase the hormone oxytocin and it lowers the stress hormones 61 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:32.079 in your body. So being in a health being in a good, healthy 62 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:36.639 relationship now, I do want to say being in a toxic relationship, even 63 00:04:36.680 --> 00:04:41.439 if you're married, you're not gonna get the health benefits. If you're walking 64 00:04:41.519 --> 00:04:45.040 around on eggshells because you're always worried that the person's gonna, you know, 65 00:04:45.160 --> 00:04:48.399 jump at you for something or get angry with you for something, or if 66 00:04:48.439 --> 00:04:53.480 you don't have a voice, if you have true opinions and feelings that aren't 67 00:04:53.560 --> 00:04:58.759 welcome in your relationship, or god forbid, you're actually experiencing some kind of 68 00:04:58.759 --> 00:05:03.959 emotional or physical abuse. That kind of marriage does not actually improve your health. 69 00:05:04.519 --> 00:05:11.519 But there are studies the show that happily married people or happily living together 70 00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:16.759 people, people in happy, consistent, supportive relationships actually have lower rates of 71 00:05:16.800 --> 00:05:23.399 blood pressure, They have lower rates of heart disease and diabetes and everything. 72 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:29.639 We know also that health habits are highly contagious within relationships. I actually know 73 00:05:29.720 --> 00:05:32.839 a woman who has an obese husband, and I mean this with love, 74 00:05:33.360 --> 00:05:38.839 who carries around with him to social events in case they won't be available. 75 00:05:39.720 --> 00:05:43.519 Pocket meat, as we call it, pocket meat. He's always got meat 76 00:05:43.600 --> 00:05:46.759 in his pocket. Well, it's wrapped in plastic and it's usually preserved. 77 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:50.680 Like I don't know, those sticks of beef you buy at at the convenience 78 00:05:50.680 --> 00:05:54.680 store, what are those things called beef jerkys or whatever. This is not 79 00:05:55.160 --> 00:05:58.639 on my diet. I don't know what these things are, sausages whatever. 80 00:05:58.639 --> 00:06:03.600 He's always got him in his pocket. Anyway, Their children also overeat and 81 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:09.439 suffer from OBEs. Remember OBEs is not a character flaw. It's a biopsychosocial 82 00:06:09.439 --> 00:06:13.839 event. Begins with a genetic predisposition and then a nasty food industry who puts 83 00:06:13.839 --> 00:06:19.319 addictive things into food, etc. Anyway, this mom managed to lose one 84 00:06:19.399 --> 00:06:27.920 hundred pounds while living with this family with mister pocket Meat because she didn't let 85 00:06:27.920 --> 00:06:31.079 the health habits become contagious any longer. So, if you are in a 86 00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:34.600 relationship with somebody who does not have positive health habits, it's going to be 87 00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:39.480 a long, hard road. On the other hand, dating someone who's healthy 88 00:06:39.480 --> 00:06:42.240 and fit and has positive health habits is the best thing for your health. 89 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:46.000 Like I know a guy who met his wife specifically, he went searching on 90 00:06:46.360 --> 00:06:51.079 there's an app called like fit dating or fitness dating or something. He doesn't 91 00:06:51.120 --> 00:06:56.319 even work out, but he went there because he wanted a partner who would 92 00:06:56.319 --> 00:06:58.639 be healthy. Now he does work out. He built a gym in the 93 00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:01.240 house for them. She trains him. She's like a trainer right anyway, 94 00:07:01.360 --> 00:07:05.680 So I just want to tell you that the reason why I am so obsessed 95 00:07:05.759 --> 00:07:11.160 with the science of love is because love is good for us. Good love, 96 00:07:11.759 --> 00:07:15.120 good relationship skills are good for our mental health and our physical health. 97 00:07:15.720 --> 00:07:19.199 When we come back, I have a question to pose to you. Why 98 00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:27.759 are these modern liberated women getting married in one of the oldest institutions of patriarchy, 99 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:32.839 marriage a wedding and taking their husband's last name. Let's break this down 100 00:07:33.120 --> 00:07:36.040 when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on 101 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:42.199 KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening 102 00:07:42.199 --> 00:07:46.480 to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall 103 00:07:46.519 --> 00:07:50.639 Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 104 00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:55.639 I want to talk about weddings and I want to talk about marriage. Actually, 105 00:07:55.879 --> 00:07:58.879 now that the pandemic is behind us, you probably went to a lot 106 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:01.279 of weddings this summer. Like that, everybody seems to be getting married. 107 00:08:01.519 --> 00:08:05.879 And there are two times in our lives when we're most likely to tie the 108 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:11.319 knot. Either when we're young and we're in our reproductive window. We know 109 00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:16.319 that marriage is still one of the best nests we have for children. At 110 00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:22.160 some point, hopefully we will have childcare in every workplace, we will have 111 00:08:22.279 --> 00:08:28.319 more institutional governmental supports for single parents of all genders, and marriage will be 112 00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:33.159 less necessary. But when it comes to raising children, building that one economic 113 00:08:33.240 --> 00:08:39.840 nest where two people pour their resources into offspring that show up actually is still, 114 00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:46.080 according to research, the best we can do for kids. I happen 115 00:08:46.080 --> 00:08:48.879 to have had my kids out of wed luck, so I speak from experience. 116 00:08:50.200 --> 00:08:54.679 The research is very clear that children of single parents or the parents themselves 117 00:08:54.679 --> 00:09:00.519 suffer more mental and physical health issues. The children tend to get lower grades, 118 00:09:01.320 --> 00:09:05.320 earlier onset of sexual activity, more experimentation with drugs and alcohol, et 119 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:07.519 cetera. Et C'm just don't shoot the messenger. I'm just telling you what 120 00:09:07.559 --> 00:09:11.919 the data says. And so I worked very hard to be a mother and 121 00:09:11.960 --> 00:09:16.320 a father and a caregiver and a protector and a provider and a nurturer. 122 00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:20.639 And I would say that probably my health suffered as a result of it because 123 00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:24.279 I worked so hard to put my kids first. But anyway, more and 124 00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:31.200 more women are entering into a traditional marriage full on with the wedding now weddings 125 00:09:31.200 --> 00:09:37.600 have gotten bigger and bigger and bigger over the decades. When my own parents 126 00:09:37.639 --> 00:09:43.840 got married in nineteen sixty, they got married in a small church ceremony with 127 00:09:43.879 --> 00:09:48.120 friends and family, and they went back to my grandmother's house and in the 128 00:09:48.159 --> 00:09:52.000 dining room posed for pictures and had some cake and tea like that was it. 129 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:56.440 My mother was in a beautiful white wedding gown. It was a Catholic 130 00:09:56.440 --> 00:10:03.000 wedding, but it wasn't today's giant show or the destination wedding that It's like 131 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:07.480 a Hindu wedding that goes over three or four days. I can't believe the 132 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:13.240 money people are spending. My theory is that people think the more public they 133 00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:18.519 make it, the more eyes that are on it, the more they sacrifice 134 00:10:18.679 --> 00:10:22.600 economically to make it happen, the more it'll have to stick. Right. 135 00:10:22.679 --> 00:10:26.240 I think they think that everyone's looking, so we have to make this workout. 136 00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:35.360 It's not necessarily true. What I find interesting is that so many so 137 00:10:35.440 --> 00:10:41.039 called feminist women with careers are still taking their husband's last name. Kayla, 138 00:10:41.159 --> 00:10:45.159 when you get married, do you plan on taking your man's last name? 139 00:10:46.440 --> 00:10:48.840 I always felt like I wanted him to kind of take mine. Yeah, 140 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:52.480 that's a great idea, the older I get. I'm open to it. 141 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:56.039 It'll see. And and if you did, what would be the reason that 142 00:10:56.120 --> 00:10:58.399 you would take another man? You would get rid of half your identity? 143 00:11:00.120 --> 00:11:03.440 Definitely hypheny But I think it's kind of a unifying thing that way. Our 144 00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:05.759 children are you know, they have our name he has like it's it's a 145 00:11:05.799 --> 00:11:09.480 unifying family. Okay. And so then let me ask the next question, 146 00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:13.720 because you're actually reflecting the research that I'm about to explain. Why would you 147 00:11:13.759 --> 00:11:18.519 want your children to have his name? Does he own them? There has 148 00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:22.399 two? Uh, and they are yours? Yeah? Can it well hyphened 149 00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:24.320 him hyphened? That's what I did with you? Yeah, yeah, might 150 00:11:24.399 --> 00:11:28.799 have both our names. I said, anything that comes out of me that 151 00:11:28.840 --> 00:11:33.080 I manufactured is going to get my stamp on it, my name on it, 152 00:11:33.240 --> 00:11:35.080 especially after what you have to go through to get him here exactly. 153 00:11:35.759 --> 00:11:43.799 So here's what the research says that this whole bridal tradition of a woman taking 154 00:11:43.840 --> 00:11:48.320 a husband's name remains very, very strong. This is research according to the 155 00:11:48.320 --> 00:11:52.679 Pew Research Center, among women in opposite sex marriages in the United States, 156 00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:58.639 four and five changed their name in the last few years. This is recently, 157 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:03.200 and believe it or not, hyphenated names are less common. So the 158 00:12:03.279 --> 00:12:09.279 idea of taking of not changing your name or taking a hyphenated name actually started 159 00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:13.679 in the very late seventies and gained steam in the early eighties, but it 160 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:18.279 never picked up from like one out of five, right, it never cruised 161 00:12:18.320 --> 00:12:22.720 past that. Now, I if you've listened to me, you know that 162 00:12:22.759 --> 00:12:26.000 when I was twenty one, I had a big, white Catholic wedding for 163 00:12:26.120 --> 00:12:30.559 my mother. Literally, I remember being in my wedding dress getting ready and 164 00:12:30.919 --> 00:12:33.279 the bridesmaids there in the back room, and I kept saying, Oh my 165 00:12:33.320 --> 00:12:35.879 god, I feel so stupid. I feel so stupid. Isn't that funny? 166 00:12:35.919 --> 00:12:37.600 I kept saying that I feel so stupid. They're like, no, 167 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:41.120 you look beautiful, Like I feel so stupid. So I so didn't support 168 00:12:41.159 --> 00:12:43.240 this, but I didn't know. I wasn't aware. This is all in 169 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:48.639 my unconscious that I never booked a professional photographer. Oh no, I think 170 00:12:48.679 --> 00:12:54.039 I did, But I never ordered one of those fancy hardcover wedding albums. 171 00:12:54.559 --> 00:12:58.919 And then after months after the wedding, my mother had put one together professionally 172 00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:01.039 paid some big dollars for it and sent it to me as a gift, 173 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:05.679 or maybe it was a first anniversary gift. Do you know where that wedding 174 00:13:05.759 --> 00:13:11.080 album is now? I have no idea it's gone. I probably tossed it 175 00:13:11.159 --> 00:13:15.559 at some point. I cared so little about this because I knew I wasn't 176 00:13:15.559 --> 00:13:18.000 getting married for me. I was getting married because of the pressure from my 177 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:22.480 mother. So that's what I will attribute to the fact that I did not 178 00:13:22.639 --> 00:13:26.120 take his last name, no hyphenated, no nothing. My feeling was, 179 00:13:26.279 --> 00:13:30.039 my name is Wendy Walsh. My name is always going to be Wendy Walsh. 180 00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.679 It also bothered me that the big security password for all the banks is 181 00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:37.879 what is your mother's maiden name? Like a woman's identity is so deeply lost 182 00:13:39.159 --> 00:13:43.399 that now it's a security password. Okay, Like she doesn't even exist except 183 00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:50.159 a security password. So I would hope that my daughter. So my daughter's 184 00:13:50.200 --> 00:13:54.639 got double barreled. My older one ended up taking my name. She has 185 00:13:54.679 --> 00:13:58.240 my last name that she uses. The younger one uses her dad's last name. 186 00:13:58.519 --> 00:14:01.480 They could do whatever they want, right, whatever they want doesn't matter 187 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:05.080 to me. But that is the number one reason that women say the most 188 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:09.519 feminist women out there that they want to have the same last name as their 189 00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:13.559 kids. So why can't we just name our kids both names? Or why 190 00:14:13.639 --> 00:14:16.399 can't we take each other's name? Wouldn't that be funny if I took Julio's 191 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:18.639 last name and he took mine. He said he'd be open to that. 192 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:24.879 There is a divide politically, by the way, among conservative Republican women, 193 00:14:26.519 --> 00:14:28.919 ninety percent, according to the Pew Research study, took their husband's name, 194 00:14:30.200 --> 00:14:35.840 compared with sixty six percent of liberal Democrats. Also, the more educated a 195 00:14:35.879 --> 00:14:39.000 woman is, the more likely she is to keep her name. When you 196 00:14:39.039 --> 00:14:41.440 want to keep the name that's on your diploma, I don't know. But 197 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:46.679 then there are other women who are surging ahead, making money and doing the 198 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:52.360 traditional thing. Like j Lo she is missus Affleck after she has made a 199 00:14:52.519 --> 00:14:56.120 name for herself. She's taken his name. Anyway, do whatever you want, 200 00:14:56.200 --> 00:15:00.600 ladies. But I know you can argue with me, well, if 201 00:15:00.639 --> 00:15:03.759 you keep your own name, that's actually your father's name. So it's still 202 00:15:03.799 --> 00:15:05.519 patriarchy, I know, But when are we going to end it? When 203 00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:07.960 are we going to end the patriarchy? That's what I'm saying. I just 204 00:15:07.960 --> 00:15:11.799 want to pose the question, Hey, maybe you did get married, maybe 205 00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:16.919 you have a new baby, maybe you're a first time father. I want 206 00:15:16.919 --> 00:15:20.960 to talk to you when we come back. I know things are tough, 207 00:15:20.039 --> 00:15:24.080 now they're going to get better. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show 208 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:28.919 and KFI AM six forty Belove everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to 209 00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:33.320 KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show 210 00:15:33.320 --> 00:15:37.000 on KFI AM six forty Alive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, 211 00:15:37.639 --> 00:15:43.240 I had children at the eleventh hour of my fertility window. I had my 212 00:15:43.279 --> 00:15:48.120 two babies at the age of thirty six and forty one, and I like 213 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:50.519 to say I pretty much took the last man standing. He was a non 214 00:15:50.519 --> 00:15:54.240 smoking, non drinking vegetarian. I said, you're good enough, come on 215 00:15:54.320 --> 00:15:58.039 in, and we got pregnant very quickly in our dating life. Again, 216 00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:04.440 I do not suggest that you follow my steps, that you follow my path 217 00:16:04.519 --> 00:16:11.440 in life. I learned experientially what not to do. Okay, So actually 218 00:16:11.519 --> 00:16:17.840 I became pregnant eight weeks into dating, and so we decided he was forty 219 00:16:17.879 --> 00:16:19.919 I was thirty five. It's like, let's just do this. He moves 220 00:16:19.960 --> 00:16:26.440 in with me. So we had to weather the all the bumps that come 221 00:16:26.480 --> 00:16:30.159 with the first year of dating, the first year of living together, and 222 00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:34.360 the first pregnancy all at the same time. So you can imagine the stress 223 00:16:34.399 --> 00:16:37.840 we were under. After I had my first baby, I was very lonely 224 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:41.799 because I learned that all your career women friends show up for the baby shower 225 00:16:41.879 --> 00:16:45.399 or a quick little visit, they bring a frilly, little pink dress, 226 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:49.000 and then they go back to the clubs, and so it was a very, 227 00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:53.120 very lonely time. It's a time of finding your identity as a mother, 228 00:16:53.720 --> 00:16:57.240 giving birth to a mother really in that year, and trying to find 229 00:16:57.360 --> 00:17:02.000 a village. And I joined every kind of mother group that you possibly could. 230 00:17:02.200 --> 00:17:07.400 You know, I actually eventually found a toddler nursing group because everyone had 231 00:17:07.640 --> 00:17:11.920 weaned their babies and were back to work and I was still breastfeeding. I 232 00:17:11.960 --> 00:17:15.799 ended up breastfeeding each of my kids for three years. And at a toddler 233 00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:19.599 breastfeeding support group. Do you know who was there? Hippies? There were 234 00:17:19.640 --> 00:17:23.319 women with either I used to say, either short short gray hair or long 235 00:17:23.359 --> 00:17:27.200 gray hair down to their butt. There were no other hairstyle, but they 236 00:17:27.200 --> 00:17:30.359 were great and they helped me keep it up, and it was wonderful because 237 00:17:30.359 --> 00:17:33.440 there's different issues. However, one of the mom groups I went to, 238 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:37.279 I can't remember what it was called. I had some funny little acronym, 239 00:17:37.319 --> 00:17:40.720 but it was supposed to be a support group for new moms, and they 240 00:17:40.720 --> 00:17:47.680 had a very clear rule meeting number one, you cannot bash your baby's father, 241 00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:55.519 because apparently these groups had spiraled down into a just whining session about how 242 00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:59.640 little the men participated and how they were off at the gym and having fun 243 00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:04.720 and at work and these women were lonely and isolated, and how they were 244 00:18:04.759 --> 00:18:08.680 pressuring them to have sex that they didn't want and they were just grumpy and 245 00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:14.279 it was terrible. So I thought that was really interesting that I wasn't the 246 00:18:14.279 --> 00:18:18.440 only one experiencing a grumpy man in the house. Well, now there's research 247 00:18:18.559 --> 00:18:23.759 to support what so many women go through. This was a study that followed 248 00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:30.319 men a longitudinal study from twenty seventeen to twenty twenty. They followed five hundred 249 00:18:30.680 --> 00:18:37.079 first time fathers and one hundred and six second time fathers expecting their second child, 250 00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:41.519 and they compared they looked at. They collected data on how old they 251 00:18:41.559 --> 00:18:45.960 were, how educated they were, what their income was, their relationship duration, 252 00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:51.880 the child's biological sex, the child's temperament, because sometimes there are difficult 253 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:55.720 babies, they'd cry a lot and they're more stressful in a relationship. And 254 00:18:56.519 --> 00:19:00.920 what they wanted to do is look at what happens postpartum to men compared to 255 00:19:02.119 --> 00:19:04.559 what often happens postpartum to women. We know about that. There's lots of 256 00:19:04.599 --> 00:19:11.440 research on the postpartum experience of mothers. And even if you don't have a 257 00:19:11.480 --> 00:19:18.160 clinical postpartum depression, there is culture shock. I like to say there can 258 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:21.920 be two men in a relationship until a mother enters the room, meaning that 259 00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:26.039 when a woman, women can be totally equal to men career wise. Well, 260 00:19:26.319 --> 00:19:29.240 we don't know seventy seven cents on your dollar, but you know, 261 00:19:29.279 --> 00:19:33.839 for the most part, until the needs of a mother step into the relationship, 262 00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:37.759 and all of a sudden, women are like, wait, what, 263 00:19:37.160 --> 00:19:40.319 I'm supposed to go to work, I'm supposed to look good. I've been 264 00:19:40.440 --> 00:19:41.920 up all night, I've got two bleeding nipples, I got at a pisiotomy 265 00:19:41.920 --> 00:19:45.359 that's trying to heal, and you want me to have sex with you like 266 00:19:45.440 --> 00:19:48.920 it is just a shock. Your bodies are just overwhelmed with what happens. 267 00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:53.119 So there's been tons of research on that. But what they found when they 268 00:19:53.160 --> 00:20:00.400 started looking at first time fathers is that having a child was associated with a 269 00:20:00.440 --> 00:20:06.400 big relationship decline in satisfaction for first of all, both first and second time 270 00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:10.640 fathers, but the first time fathers took the biggest hit. The first time 271 00:20:10.680 --> 00:20:18.160 fathers showed the highest level of relationship satisfaction before birth and then the biggest dive 272 00:20:18.400 --> 00:20:25.039 afterwards. At eight weeks postpartum, first time fathers reported much higher relationship dissatisfaction 273 00:20:25.480 --> 00:20:30.880 and that continued up to fourteen months postpartum. Okay, let's stop and tear 274 00:20:30.920 --> 00:20:36.640 this apart and analyze this data. Men, gentlemen, Okay, there are 275 00:20:36.680 --> 00:20:40.079 three of you in this love triangle now, and that baby comes first to 276 00:20:40.160 --> 00:20:42.200 her. You know, if you're on a sinking ship and there's a lifeboat 277 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:45.759 and there's only one seat in it, and she's choosing you, or you're 278 00:20:45.799 --> 00:20:49.720 shooting your genes into the future, she's going to grab that baby, okay 279 00:20:49.799 --> 00:20:55.799 and save it. I want you to reframe your I'm feeling abandoned by her 280 00:20:56.640 --> 00:21:00.440 into Look at that, She's caring for another part of me, my genes. 281 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:06.079 Right, reframe it. She's taking care of you. Now, as 282 00:21:06.079 --> 00:21:08.720 far as the sex thing comes, you should know that long term monogamy is 283 00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:14.720 filled with phases and stages, and there is a time after birth when women's 284 00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:18.319 hormones go way down, especially when they're breastfeeding. In fact, I was 285 00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:21.039 dry as a desert. It was a bad scene. It was painful. 286 00:21:21.240 --> 00:21:23.079 No, it was terrible, Kayla, you're laughing at me. It was 287 00:21:23.160 --> 00:21:29.440 terrible. It hurt. So you're gonna have to be creative. You're gonna 288 00:21:29.480 --> 00:21:32.319 have to find other things to do, other places to do it. No, 289 00:21:32.319 --> 00:21:34.440 no, not other women. Stop stop, I mean the shower whatever. 290 00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:40.039 Maybe Mark Thompson was right, Kayla. Maybe he was right. I 291 00:21:40.079 --> 00:21:42.079 think he was. Doctor. He said, I talk about masturbation. I 292 00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:48.160 never do, and here I am in this in the shower. Anyway, 293 00:21:48.240 --> 00:21:52.599 here's the other interesting thing about this data. The study found no other association 294 00:21:52.799 --> 00:21:56.440 between that other stuff I talked about, age, income, except you know 295 00:21:56.519 --> 00:22:02.440 all that the attitude of the baby, the disposition of the baby. None 296 00:22:02.480 --> 00:22:08.079 of that mattered except one thing, relationship duration. So you would think that 297 00:22:08.160 --> 00:22:12.720 if couples had been in the long stable relationship before the birth of the first 298 00:22:12.720 --> 00:22:18.160 baby, that they would report less of a relationship decline. But the research 299 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:22.319 showed the opposite. The longer their relationship had been before the birth of the 300 00:22:22.319 --> 00:22:27.960 first baby, the deeper the dive in their relationship satisfaction. Let's think about 301 00:22:27.960 --> 00:22:30.039 it. They got set in their ways. They thought it was going to 302 00:22:30.119 --> 00:22:33.880 be like this forever. When you're in a new relationship, it's change all 303 00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:36.359 the time. For sure, dating and then maybe you're living together, and 304 00:22:36.359 --> 00:22:38.160 then you get engaged, and then you're married, and then there's a pregnancy 305 00:22:38.200 --> 00:22:41.240 and oh there's so much new stuff all the time. You eventually adapt. 306 00:22:41.559 --> 00:22:45.599 But if you've been in a long relationship and then the baby shows up, 307 00:22:45.920 --> 00:22:48.279 get ready. It's a big life change. But I want to say this, 308 00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:55.240 their phases and stages and what you're doing now, investing in your offspring 309 00:22:55.640 --> 00:23:02.680 has a tremendous amount of meaning. Grow the muscles of monogamy, grow the 310 00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:07.119 strength to weather it out. Give your baby mama some love, Help her 311 00:23:07.240 --> 00:23:11.240 out, because that's how you'll find happiness, not nagging and begging, and 312 00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:15.640 understand that she's giving to your genes, your genes when we come back. 313 00:23:17.079 --> 00:23:21.240 You know, there are some myths about love that you might hold that can 314 00:23:21.279 --> 00:23:25.079 be killing your love life. I'll explain. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy 315 00:23:25.079 --> 00:23:29.319 Wall Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 316 00:23:30.000 --> 00:23:33.359 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to The 317 00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:38.119 Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. I am obsessed with the 318 00:23:38.200 --> 00:23:44.359 science of love because it took me a whole lifetime to actually learn this stuff. 319 00:23:44.440 --> 00:23:48.079 You know, love isn't about locke. Love is about skills, and 320 00:23:48.160 --> 00:23:52.400 you can learn these skills at any stage of your lifespan and in any stage 321 00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:56.000 of the relationship you're in. And when I was young, I believed so 322 00:23:56.240 --> 00:24:03.400 much nonsense about love that people still believe, like there's a soulmate out there. 323 00:24:03.880 --> 00:24:07.839 I really believe there's one for me. It's a soulmate. Maybe I'll 324 00:24:07.880 --> 00:24:11.000 meet my soulmate. No, this is playing into the whole love is all 325 00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:15.359 about luck. I will hear people say sometimes, you know, if it 326 00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:19.680 happens for me, it doesn't happen. You make it happen. You use 327 00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:23.559 human mating strategies. You get yourself all ready to be out there on the 328 00:24:23.559 --> 00:24:26.640 mating marketplace, and you get on those apps, and you go on those 329 00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:30.960 dates and you make it happen. Those are the people who get married. 330 00:24:30.319 --> 00:24:34.799 And in fact, it is the women who know how to negotiate commitment who 331 00:24:34.799 --> 00:24:40.759 get married. Believe me, there are no grooms magazines. Okay, Guys 332 00:24:40.759 --> 00:24:44.799 don't spend their whole life dreaming about the tuxedo they're gonna wear walking down the 333 00:24:44.839 --> 00:24:49.400 aisle. Every guy on the planet, in the back of his brain thinks 334 00:24:49.599 --> 00:24:55.240 that he's gonna have a nice, stable girlfriend or wife or somebody at home 335 00:24:55.599 --> 00:24:59.640 and then be a free man. Elsewise, No, you have to snag 336 00:24:59.720 --> 00:25:03.799 him, nail him down, make him feel like there's no better deal for 337 00:25:03.880 --> 00:25:07.720 you. I know I sound very sexist, but this is evolutionary psychology. 338 00:25:08.119 --> 00:25:11.920 Women are more relational, women tend to have more. They hold the keys 339 00:25:11.920 --> 00:25:17.039 to the emotional locker. Men fall in love faster, but they don't say 340 00:25:17.039 --> 00:25:19.319 I love you faster, and they also don't ask for commitment faster. And 341 00:25:19.359 --> 00:25:22.880 if you never ask for commitment, if you never negotiate commitment, you're never 342 00:25:22.880 --> 00:25:26.480 gonna get it. Okay, So it's not coming from him. He's you 343 00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:30.599 know, definitely can you imagine that, Kyle is theyre a guy out there 344 00:25:30.599 --> 00:25:33.359 going I can't wait to meet my wife. I just want to meet my 345 00:25:33.400 --> 00:25:36.960 wife. We could be so lucky. Yeah, maybe she'll marry me. 346 00:25:37.960 --> 00:25:41.200 In the movies maybe, but not in real life. They want to keep 347 00:25:41.240 --> 00:25:42.880 you and they want to have side action because you never ask for commitment. 348 00:25:42.960 --> 00:25:48.559 That's what happens anyway. That's one myth that there's a soulmate out there. 349 00:25:49.480 --> 00:25:56.519 The truth is, if you have good relationship skills, then you will find 350 00:25:56.559 --> 00:26:00.039 there are many, many, many appropriate mates. And also so you will 351 00:26:00.079 --> 00:26:07.319 be attractive to many more people because you have good relationship skills. So learning 352 00:26:07.319 --> 00:26:11.480 those relationship skills about being open, honest, vulnerable, being able to deal 353 00:26:11.519 --> 00:26:17.359 with conflict, etc. So let's talk about three myths that are very common, 354 00:26:17.640 --> 00:26:21.240 very very common. The people still believe they could be ruining their love 355 00:26:21.279 --> 00:26:26.200 life. This was actually comes from a research study published in the Family Journal, 356 00:26:26.240 --> 00:26:29.799 so it's a peer reviewed academic journal. I can't remember how many hundreds 357 00:26:29.799 --> 00:26:32.279 of people they interviewed for this, but here's what they found out. The 358 00:26:32.359 --> 00:26:38.920 number one belief the belief that disagreements conflicts, fights, arguments, TIFs are 359 00:26:40.119 --> 00:26:45.240 bad for a relationship. If you have fights, it's a bad relationship. 360 00:26:45.799 --> 00:26:49.880 That is a myth. The research actually says the opposite. The people in 361 00:26:49.920 --> 00:26:56.839 the healthiest relationships have tiny little border skirmishes all the time and they never have 362 00:26:56.480 --> 00:27:00.640 the big, blow it out giant fights because they haven't built up the pressure 363 00:27:02.240 --> 00:27:07.000 right, so having tiny little conflicts. Julio and I had won this morning 364 00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:11.559 over breakfast. It wasn't a big deal, but I was saying that I 365 00:27:11.599 --> 00:27:15.960 wanted to cut down on my acid reflux, and of the list of foods 366 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:18.240 I mentioned, I mentioned coffee. So he just started nagging me at the 367 00:27:18.240 --> 00:27:21.960 breakfast table, like, why are you drinking coffee? You just told me 368 00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:25.319 last night they should be drinking so much coffee. And I looked at him 369 00:27:25.359 --> 00:27:26.720 and I said no. I said, I want to reduce my acid reflux, 370 00:27:26.720 --> 00:27:30.839 which means I shouldn't drink coffee before I lie down at night. Don't 371 00:27:30.839 --> 00:27:33.440 want it to come the acid to come back up first thing in the morning 372 00:27:33.480 --> 00:27:36.880 while I'm sitting up. I think I'm okay. Anyway, he was all 373 00:27:37.079 --> 00:27:40.279 I said, And don't nag me. Uh. I didn't say it like 374 00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:42.640 that. I said it really sweet, honey, I really appreciate that you 375 00:27:42.680 --> 00:27:47.000 care about my health. It means a lot to me. But I perform 376 00:27:47.119 --> 00:27:51.839 better with positive rewards, like you're doing a great job, instead of nagging 377 00:27:51.839 --> 00:27:55.319 me to change something. That's how I said it. I did because I 378 00:27:55.400 --> 00:28:00.359 learned my relationship skills in eighteen years of therapy. Anyway, that's how you 379 00:28:00.440 --> 00:28:04.759 do it. You do little tiny border skirmishes on a regular basis. You 380 00:28:04.880 --> 00:28:08.759 make that communication sandwich. You know, the communication sandwich starts out with a 381 00:28:08.799 --> 00:28:12.359 layer of love, follow and like I love that you care about my health. 382 00:28:12.599 --> 00:28:15.279 Follow with a layer of something hard to chew on. But please don't 383 00:28:15.359 --> 00:28:19.240 nag me back to another layer of love, cause you know, because you 384 00:28:19.319 --> 00:28:22.200 remind me about my health, I'm going to live for a long time. 385 00:28:22.200 --> 00:28:26.000 We're gonna be together, and that's wonderful. Right, So, disagreements can 386 00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:29.480 be good for a relationship if they're the right kind of disagreements. Okay, 387 00:28:29.519 --> 00:28:33.759 myth number two. Oh so many people have this myth. They have a 388 00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:40.799 belief that in a healthy relationship, their partner should be able to read their 389 00:28:41.000 --> 00:28:45.319 mind. They say things like I shouldn't have to tell you, or you 390 00:28:45.359 --> 00:28:51.920 should know by now, who are you talking to? An abandoning mother who 391 00:28:52.000 --> 00:28:55.440 was not connected to you as a toddler. She should have known, she 392 00:28:55.559 --> 00:28:59.440 didn't, Okay, but your wife, she won't know unless you tell her. 393 00:28:59.720 --> 00:29:03.279 Right, you can't get mad at somebody for not doing something that you 394 00:29:03.319 --> 00:29:07.960 didn't give them direction to, right, you have They can't read their mind. 395 00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:11.319 There's no partner out there who can read your mind. That means you 396 00:29:12.119 --> 00:29:17.359 have to know your mind. You have to have insight into your own feelings. 397 00:29:17.519 --> 00:29:19.519 And step two, you have to be able to put those feelings into 398 00:29:19.599 --> 00:29:23.279 polite words. And usually when people are beginning to express their feelings for the 399 00:29:23.279 --> 00:29:26.359 first time, they say it in a snippy, defensive way because they're not 400 00:29:26.440 --> 00:29:30.160 used to it. But it's okay. You'll be able to say it kindly 401 00:29:30.319 --> 00:29:33.519 like I did de Julio today. All right. And the third thing is 402 00:29:33.000 --> 00:29:37.200 this idea. It aligns with the soul mad idea, this idea that relationships 403 00:29:37.240 --> 00:29:41.000 are predestined, it was meant to be wit. No, it's not. 404 00:29:41.440 --> 00:29:45.440 It's a fluke that you even ran into each other on that dating app. 405 00:29:45.480 --> 00:29:48.559 Okay, it's a fluke. You're now going to put your mating strategy and 406 00:29:48.559 --> 00:29:52.119 your relationship skills to it. And you are going to grow a garden in 407 00:29:52.160 --> 00:29:56.680 this relationship. You're gonna water what you want to grow, not the weeds. 408 00:29:56.000 --> 00:30:00.079 That means, don't be a nagger with the negative stuff. And and 409 00:30:00.240 --> 00:30:03.400 you're going to create your dream relationship. It's not predestined, doesn't it happen? 410 00:30:03.559 --> 00:30:07.960 The cupid didn't shoot a bow and arrow, the cosmos didn't come together. 411 00:30:08.759 --> 00:30:12.160 You created this, the two of you, by doing the work that 412 00:30:12.200 --> 00:30:15.839 you need to do. And I encourage you to do that work. All 413 00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:18.000 right. When we come back, I am going to be going to my 414 00:30:18.079 --> 00:30:23.400 social media because this week so many dms came in and there are some very 415 00:30:23.440 --> 00:30:26.759 fascinating questions that you guys have sent me, so I have got to answer 416 00:30:26.759 --> 00:30:30.119 them. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six 417 00:30:30.240 --> 00:30:37.279 forty alive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty on demand