Hey, everybody, Welcome to the Calamity Jane Show, where you can do
many of your favorite authors be fools and say silly things. I'm Emily Kaplan
and I write under the name E. M. Kaplan. I write the
Josie Tucker Mystery series, and tonight I'm playing Claudia the Rogue. I'm Judy
Black and I write Dungeons and Dragons, modules and stuff, and I will
be playing gigiz Nickel Mansia tonight today. Whatever time of day you're listening to
this. Hey, y'all, I'm Misty Massey and I play Ballabu, the
cheerful, sun drenched cleric who, despite outward appearances, is really really happy.
She's no longer trapped in the strawberry bouncing bubble of silliness in real life.
Find the author of the Madchestral series of pirate fantasy adventures and the soon
to be released dead Man series. You can find me on my site Misty
Messy dot com and on all the social media's just I'm everywhere. Just go
look for me. I guess that just leaves me the admiral of this asshole
Armada. It is I our E. Carr, author of such series as
the Rules Undying series, the Accidental Summoner series, and of course I even
slum it from time to time with none other than Silas Kine himself, Rick
Well Terry with the False Icon series, which, thank the maker, it's
now in my court and should be out this year, assuming my brain decides
to make any chemicals. When last we left our intrepid party, everything's fine
except for us slightly stiff and unconscious rogue on the floor. How did that
happen? Oh, because somehow we've managed to have poisoned magical water things let
on fire, So of course why not try to play with electricity while surrounded
by water and explosive fumes as the whole party has decided that maybe they should
leave this place quickly. Yes, yeah, basically Claudia committed suicide because she
had to keep singing. It is a possibility. But wait, what could
it be? It's more, there's more. I don't know why I'm suddenly
singing, But what should appear? But its shy badger in a wife beater.
Gasp, He's just looking at all of you like this is no place
for a child. And tiny Elegize has been grabbed by a giant badger and
spirited away, leaving a small scrap of paper next to the unconscious body of
Claudia. I don't think it's a smart idea for me to pick up the
paper. So wait, am I still singing? Oh? Yes, a
change there. That's a good idea for me to pick up the paper.
We know what happens. Cloudy up, barn lea power? Would you roll
a D twenty as you lay there? Cloud twenty? Hey, this is
a time where you would like to roll a twenty that is one positive death
save there is nothing else you can do that round unless you would like to
groan with musicality, because you can still think a right, she's gonna groan
off key. Imagine, imagine amongst yourselves there's a piece of paper that has
fallen next to you. Claudia is on the ground, Cluton is looking completely
confused. Malibu is still Malibu. Hey, they and the where badger has
taken away your little French adoptive daughter. I will use medge hand to pick
up the piece of paper, and I will very reluctantly read it because I
do not like to read things. It is written in infernal so at least
happened to speak that because Child Protective Services has come because early this is no
place for a youngster. You have stopped destroying things and killing people in your
own cotier, we will return the child to you that or you pay the
fee to the front desk. It's so sad that she will be gone forever.
That's so sad because I and I don't stop killing people. So that's
very set. Where where, oh where? Where? You've got to remember?
Abducted by Child Protective Services. Yes, the child protective Badgail came and
took the child. I'm sure when she stops being a child and they will
let her go. But I don't remember about the actual terms of that drunk
class was so that could be anywhere between like an hour and eighteen years.
She ate just like a half elf. Remember, it could be longer than
that. It could be one hundred and eighty years. Actually, I don't
even think she's a half elf. I think she is an else. God
I have to look so by the time we are dead, she will be
free. Well, I mean one of us is ahead of the KIV on
the Do you think she would mind if I just like re animated her.
She is a high elf, so yes, it would be more like one
hundred and eighty years if the curse is not lifted. I'm sure that the
child protective Badger people have have clarics that can do the d You are not
cust anymore thing. I don't cast lady and magic disgusting. No. Hey,
and there's a potentially dying person on the ground. Yes, I am
considering my options here. She's still bleasing at the moment, so I can
wait a couple of minutes over a little bit fast. First, on the
ground, I'm trying to actively prevent a party member from making a death save
Noah, I am not physically strong enough to do that, So I won't
any anything else you'd like to do, because yeah, I think I have
done enough. Hamm. But um, the room is still a mix of
fire and water. Just so you know that we close the door. That's
not our problem anymore. We've closed that door, so you have closed You
have no idea what is happening in the room? No, yep, okay,
but not not our problem because the door is closed. Shoot ah,
And then I'm going to back away from the door. I can gonna hang
out behind Cruton. Oh by, Hello Malibou it's time for you? Is
it my turn? Okay, yes, okay, I'm still affected by singing.
Well, this is Misty asking a question, not Malibu asking a question
so I can talk. Is uh, do I see any wounds on my
dear friend who is laying in the puddles of whatever on the floor? Simple
perception check? Oh boy means anything simple with us? Whoa hello? Ah
yeah, there are styrations and scorch marks consistent with magical lightness damage. Okay,
she's not breathing and on the ground, which is pretty obvious that even
for a cleric of not the most healy type. Yeah, oh my god.
That okay, magic, There we go. We're gonna, We're gonna
do this. Then she she is at at hits points equal to none none.
This is really sad. One. I can't even remember what level I
am. I am six. Okay, you are all six guys who knew.
There we go. So I just I gave her eleven points back.
Glaudia, the touch of life has entered your once lifeless form. What do
you do? Um? Let see, I guess she will open her eyes
and cough. Maybe I guess did you feel better? Oh? Wait,
I'm sorry do you feel better, Claudia, my Claudia, Claudia, Claudia,
please roll a wisdom, save wisdom. We're just gonna save against a
feeling of sadness, like something missing, like maybe for a moment you felt
free and now you're back and covered in It's not pee at least beer and
ears be And yes, it still smells like beer. So guess what.
The ozone did not burn out your sense of smell. It has been healed.
You still have to sing. Um. She will pinch her her nose
shut as tightly as she can with one hand. Okay, you cannot smell
the beer? Who um? Can she move yet? Or yeah, yeah,
you have eleven? You are back to eleven? Hit point? Okay,
did she disarmed the door a little bit? Are you gonna try the
door again? Did she manage to just open it? Well? You you,
you triggered the trap. You haven't tried opening it yet. Okay,
she will try to open the door because she really wants to open. Roll
your sleight of hand, please, or of course I'm gonna make you roll.
I'm evil, I'm the DM. She rolled the fourteen click, I
did it? Yay. Strangely enough, the sacrifice of your life seems to
have opened the door. What it what a fair door? Can't she go
through? You can go through? It opens? It's this one right,
yes, that door? Okay, And you see lying on the bed a
tie fling that looks strangely familiar. Have we met before? Uh? What
should have to say? Have we met before? Wait? You're of that
lady with layers, the one the pirate guy was gonna bang like a Salvation
army drum. She kind of rubs her eyes. What are you doing here?
The question? I've been kidnapped for weeks, Well, it feels like
weeks because of all this stupid, magical, cursed beer. I was singing
for days, singing, I say, and then I had bunny ears,
and then everything around me turned green. Greed, What the heck? What
do you mean? What are you talking about? Greed? Everything the matrix?
But the ears are pretty cool. No one, no one could rescue
me, they said, only through passing through the veil of death. Who
would be dumb enough to die for a lock? I have no idea?
Really, Wow, you got ears without it? Ridiculous? She kind of
blinks and stares at you. She's are you a wizard. She's a really
good thing. Oh no, people are singing. Melib is singing over your
shoulder. She's a really good thing. She's the best thief ever. Who
are hands involved? Expressive hands? I gotta thing, there's going to be
choreography to go with it. Please gotta be so so tiefly person? Would
you like to leave this rube? But have the But the Brew, the
cult of the Great Bruski has been defeated. They were gonna cause a massive
tidal wave that would wipe us all out in a surge of magical beer.
Did you stop? I remember a big third, I remember some stinky beer.
I remember singing, Well, did anyone stop the ritual that's going to
drown us all in a matter of hours. I wasn't paid a touch into
that part, but you could ask my friends, by the way, how
long are you gonna hold your breath to avoid singing forever? That that would
actually cause death? Again? I mean I've already died. God. They
had me locked up because I had the only hangover cure in the whole land
that could defeat this mighty Brew. Because there's a sage, Bud the Wise,
the wiser. Actually he's the wisest in all the land. I think
he had a nice butt. Well that sounds like Bud the light man.
I could he brother never bide? I mean seriously, I mean, I'm
not usually into paladins, and that whole light thing being an infernal in all
bit. Damn, it was just like it was shaped from marble? What
was I saying? All right, all right, Fred's Robin's country bid This
teeth league seems to know about a ritual. Well ahead, tell him hellos,
tell us, well, it's impossible. You just have to. Apparently
the trials required the greatest of strength and wits of mind and constitution to absorb
the greatest amounts of alcohol. And there's apparently a like Barry Barry the manager
here, and he's supposed to be really frightening. And they just said they
were going to lock me up, and so I would drown in all my
beer with the rest of the people. I mean, the only other way
to open the locks and stuff, somebody die. And who would be dumb
enough to do that? Claudia will raise her hand, Hi, oh my,
he who died to open my door? She's just pointing at crew toil
like that. That's very rude, but he's Yes, he's a ZUMBOONI yes,
thank you. It's very very nice. He's very very nice. Way
Crueton Crewton's nice. You don't have to be afraid of him. Oh God,
it's singing again. I thought I was gonna go mad. He's not.
He's not undead. He's Scottish. Hey, we all look like for
a few years. Yes, oh are y'all? I thought what happened to
the other people that were you? There was a nice singing lady, and
the very tall, gray skinned lady who exposed herself to the guards, and
and and a haughty lady who said I was beneath her. Where are they?
There's a there's a badger who wanders in from time to time and he
steals people because we don't take care of them properly. Billy, you've seen
Billy the wear Badger of wonders? Does he wear a wife beater shirt?
Orange one? Yes, then that's him. But he only comes to rescue
from great evil and chaos, or or to serve due process for the higher
courts of judge hungry. It is wait, is that me? Am I
evil? Maybe? Maybe not? It's all you got, Hi, It's
me. How long has it been since the ritual started? Well, it's
been approximately six episodes, which is about don't you have any magicians or anyone
who can sense the magic or anything? Nope? Well have you unlocked the
rest of the traps that they've put more traps? Show me? Show me.
There's there's door down there of death, and then there's supposed to be
a way forward. I just heard little things from people who were singing,
there's some there's another door of death? What was wrong with the door of
death I already had? Who builds two doors of death? Where are you
talking about the same door of death that I conquered? No, that was
my door of death. But I think I think the main door might be
one. Wish oh that one. But there's a way around, like because
they have to have ways for the staff to go through. Did did you
try anything up ahead? Oh? We tried if we sing I spoke burning
No? Oh, just that's just me. Um this store right here,
you're saying, yeah, but I'm pretty sure I can open it because I'm
invincible. How many of those kio singis? Do you have? Malibou?
Let me go? Look? Wait? I mean there's literally gotta be another
way around. You don't just have to throw yourself and die, do you.
I told you I'm invincible. I'm like more. I mean, if
we take too long, we're all just gonna drown in beer and and that
much we speak to that much magic, we'll all just become permanently drunk,
probably with kiddy ears and singing again. Is there worse things to suffer?
Like what one person got? Stuck doing interpretive dance? For everything? Stuck
in it? No? Please? Okay, okay? Are you doing anything
else on your turn? Oh? I thought we left my turn back?
Ago? Shall I push the button? That's ella? She is off with
child predictive services, Claudia Barren lib. Oh we're back, unfortunately, I
mean. Okay, am I buy a locked door? There is? It's
a little bit. Yes, you are right by a block door. Oh
yeah, beating on. Cruton was banging on. Okay, Claudie would like
to try to open the door by picking the lock. Okay, you can
roll slide a hand. She rolls a twenty three take one D four damage.
That's nothing. Yep, you get one point of damage. Claudia,
I gave those to you for a reason. You're not supposed to just smush
them and throw them away. That was your turn. This round, you
are one step closer to death. Gig it is your town, m equitan.
Will you tie and open that door like with your hand and not like
bang bang, but like turn turn. Yeah, oh, lassie, thank
you, that would be real kind. It turns the handle and nothing happens
because it's locked. Was that bullshit? If it's a veil of dead door,
there's a dead man opening the door. This is a bullshit tlamp and
I hate it. Oh'm not dead whatever, I just Scottish, stop it.
We look like this after enough time. Yes, of course, of
course you do. You're beautiful daling um fact Krutan is blushing with what blood?
He seems to be livelier, a little rosier blood, but it's there.
I mean, I don't care if he shares it. That's altar matters.
Um. I am going cast samatgi at the door and just make the
door go open me inside, and yeah, the door is going to yell
that the door is gonna yell. It's just like it makes a manifest minor
one under a sign of supernat door. The door glows and sparkles with flowers
and goes. Drink me, drink of my wonder come fish, the great
mighty brew. I don't know why the door Scottish too. I think it
happens to everything with enough alcohol. And that's that's that's in zin. I
am doing tea. Yes, it makes drunken Scottish noises now all the time,
just for just for a minute. How long does a minute last to
you people? Ten rounds of combat? Yeah, technically speaking, yeah,
so for ten rounds they're episodes yasodes of an angry Scottish door. Now you're
welcome. You're doing anything else in this turn. I'm moving to stand behind
Cruton again because I lack my meat. She and that's it. I'm done.
Okay, Hey, malibuys trying to kill herself again. The door the
other girl, No, buddy listens, I know. Probably come on,
let's see if we're going through the door. Which door, whichever one?
We're all crowded around the snarky one. That's talk. You're leaving the other
way, the staff rods, and you're trying to go through the door of
death. That way is dead to us. Wait, okay, this is
a door. This is at here with Cruton and Claudia. Sorry, that
was the door you up top? Is this shut? Yes, y'all shut
the door. Oh to the room that was the kitchen. You shut it
on purpose. That's right, that's right because the room on fire and then
created a poison gas cloud of doom after making a waterfall a water wall that
got affected by the magical hops. That is a right, we did do
that. That was fun. Let's set another room on fire. No,
I set another room on fire. If we bend the whole place down,
they can't do the vitual. I think this is a good plan, and
I have to feeling of anyone here, you know, all things considered,
that's not the worst plan. Except aren't the walls metal and fire hot enough?
Something's on fire something in the other room. Yeah. The teeth flings
walking by the other teeth are like, I mean, fire is not the
worst thing. We could probably get the way. You'll still blown because I
don't have any more water breathing to cast on you. But I'll be fine.
You do have water breathing, she does not. Nope, sorry,
other teeth like, we could always dunk her in beer and see if she
grows a strawberry bouncy ball. That she could float away on. Yeah,
you know what, you guys are crazy. You guys can destroy the world
yourself. I'm gonna go try to find Bud the Wiser and get as many
people out to safety. Bye, can we follow her? There's still my
turn. I'm following your turn. You're just gonna yeah, why not chaser
down? Okay? Oh, Claudia Baird Labor touch the door there. I
have no idea what's going on. They're just leaving. There is a door
to death next to you, don't you know? You never split the party
except I did. And in the other room, all those little dudes are
a little poison gas dudes. Right well there you maybe you close the door.
Could be anything in there at this point. The thing is, I'm
really good at holding my breath. Now, yeah, I could. I
could run through there. There's another door. There is another door. It's
still locked because there was a piece of paper that you guys destroyed that had
the clue to how to open the door. And there's there's beer everywhere.
Right, Oh, yes, there's there's beer everywhere. There's there's yeah,
it's it's a big puddle and a lot is going down that drain there's a
lot of magical beer going to places unknown. Okay, oh places that No,
I mean it's a great and I still have beer breathing, right,
you have water breathing, which works for all liquids I do believe that are
not inherently poisonous. Okay, Claudia will go into the room with a drain,
yes, and try to remove the drain to see if she can like
swim down there, Uh, sleight of hand to see if you can jury
rig it open, unless you're just going to try brute strength in that case,
roll strength slight of hand fifteen. Oh yeah, it's an easy mechan
It's just like a little you know, like the little like click locks that
are mostly just to prevent it from being opened by accident. You can open
the drain where a lot of magical beer is flowing into a big under ground
drain that you can't see where it goes. Um, but there's a lot
of magical residue concentrated in this drain, magical residue that sounds all the magical
beer that you guys have spilled and do parts unknown? I think there answers
down here. Okay, Um, Claudia would can she fit through the drain.
It is. It's a like five it's like a square size, so
it's five feet by five feet. It even has a ladder leading down.
Wow, oh geez, okay, maybe it is. She she's gonna before
she slithers or goes down the ladder, she's gonna shout to um Gigi.
I guess that's the closest person, the only person left in the temple.
She's like, I'm I'm going down the drain. Everything's going down the drain.
There's no needs that kind of attitude. It's going perfectly fine a plan.
It's okay, the perfect are you going? Okay? So if you
go down the stairs, there is literally a shimmering rainbow river of It looks
like this might not just be a drain of of of the magical beer,
but other magical stuff may have been poured into this as as unsafe unregulated waste
management practices. A bit done, and it's got a pretty quick current.
Oh my god, I've found Nirvana. It's more like a pearl dam.
At this point, I like Alice in chains. It looks powerful and I
think this is this is where I'm going to find my ex name. Actually
make a perception role hopefully persh ship, Where are you? Has it been
that long since we played that? I don't know where my perception role?
There we go fifteen. You think you see future Kittie floating on a little
floaty going down the river, and you can hear, hey, y'all,
the water's fun. You can come visit me at the courthouse. Courthouse sounds
a bit like I sounded like Polly, didn't I? Yeah? And maybe
you hear like smooth jazz and ony an orc slapping sounds. Oh my gosh,
I don't know what this lapping sounds. Don't think they might be playing
badminton. Oh so it's not freaky time. I'm translating it to Claudia's perceptions
at this point, it could be all right, Yeah, she hears her
friends down there, She's like, I think this is it. We got
I gotta go down there. Are you literally going to jump into a fast
moving, magically infected river going to parts unknown? Why not? Yes?
You never? Not? Like sounds like like the fifth season of Buffy And
there's that big swirling vortex of like every going shit in the world, and
there's like you can actually hear the dramatic music swelling. Claudia is going into
the hell mouth. That would be a very good explanation. It looks like
the hell mouth. Are you going to like jump in or fall in gracefully?
Hands out stretched, ripley stout, like describe your moment, because she's
already kind of holding her nose. She will, cannon Baller, you're falling
into the magical river. He eats. See now, I wish that Malibu
had not run off, because Malibu needs to be in the in the doorway
going. If you go down there and drown, do not come crying to
me. But she's not, Gigi, are you going to actually witness this
or anyone? I mean, I'm here, I'm I'm not stopping her.
I feel like in post production there needs to be some dramatic music. Come
on, cannon Ball, what is your final what are your final words?
Claudia, You are on the other side, scruge. You know, like
the hyperspace effects where everything gets sort of just goes into streaks of lights.
Yeah, yeah, you're experiencing that. Claw yet we'll come back to you,
Okay, Yeah, it's getting real quiet here. You're the only one
you encourage out of the only ones left except for the Scottish story only.
Hey, why don't you just die and open me? Lassie, Hey does
not even sound Scottish. He's a coomination. I shall defeat him to defend
you, your honor, my lady. He's not No, he wears a
Tama shantern like a proper scotsman. I'm dead or otherwise? Okay? Oh
no, that takes ten minutes too, You're perfect. Um um m m,
well z is a people? Um you do see like a shower of
sparkles come creep out from under the door next to you. It's a good
things start vibrating a little. Um, I'm sure that's not a problem.
Um. Oh, I've known, not that we've hit the find out part
of our fuck around plan. Oh, I think you have. You're all
finding This is the part that is very much. You have fucked around.
You are finding out, Lassie. Is this the end of us? Or
should we just rod like? Hell? Is that the end of it?
Didn't be dramatic. I'm already dead. I have to be a little dramatic.
I'm Scottish too, That's fine. This is am okay. You know,
if I'm going to die, I'm going to die by my own choices
and my own magic. Said, I am going to go back to the
sloom and opens the door, um and see what is happening in here?
Hello, oh you just see paper like it's a snoop dog concert. It's
it's beyond Stephen King's the mist. It has happy faces. Hello, join
us in the drunkenness, join us in the drunken mes China, in the
drunken myth. Yes, the little clouds are all chanting in unison. No,
no, thank you. Um, he has disgusting and days. Sell
my buddy, do you close the door. I'm gonna close the door.
Are doing anything else? You're the only one in here, so anybody,
I don't want to do? What if nobody nothing else has happening? I
don't Gruton, Kuton, please keep an eye on me for a moment.
I have as stupid idea as it might actually do something, but it will
take like teen minutes in six seconds. Okay, what are you doing for
ten minutes and six seconds with Gruton guarding you? I am going to cast
faint death on myself, which will make me, it seemed dead to all
out word things. Are you doing it here or in front of the door.
I'm gonna scoot away from the door. My mouse is just refusing to
acknowledge Role twenty exists at the moment. Okay, I mean, are you
going to do it in front of the door of death or are you going
to do it? I'm dude, like here, Okay, you're you're actually
gonna roll me a one hundred. I want to see this shit. I
want to see what happens. Okay, it's palindrome. I like that number.
It's a good number. It's perfectly balanced. Meanwhile, I'm not splitting
the party yet. Sorry, make a perception check, Geezi. It's an
easy one because the door is laughing at you. Don't say easy. See
you're not really dead when this spell is done, Cluton. But I need
you to do is to very gently and lovingly pick me up and put my
hand on the door like I am opening it. Ah exception, sure,
How well do you play dead a performance? I'll let you pick play it
is play dead, so performance is an option. Oh my god. The
door is literally like, I know you're not dead. I'm not opening You're
just fooling me. Lattic. I can sense the magic. I'm a magic
door I'm guarding the Final Greatest Bosses while they complete the ritual that's gonna go
off in less than a minute. Because all you've done is fopable. Oh
you're gonna drown with us with your door, so you don't please, So
you're going to be fine that I can't breathe under water for several more hours,
so I would just swim away. Um, so really this is not
a problem for either of us. So why don't you just open? Because
if you open, then you can continue to exist as a door. Otherwise
you are going to be trapped in the beer, which is very detrimental to
the health of wood and metally. If you know, you are lost,
and you will start to deteriorate and decay, and it would be a very
slow and unpleasant test for you. They didn't tell you that, Diddy,
Are you really trying to reason with a door? I am. I'm highly
impressed that she could say deteriorate with a French accent. You know what,
Oh my god, we dim off? You just hear click to die?
No, who does that? The door opens? I don't know how you
have managed to out fox a door that you enchanted. You and your gluton
do you do you call to anyone? Do you say anything? I yes,
I will call over my shoe and be like, because the door's open,
ladies, please come back. I do not you fays Tuesday's combat.
The badger follows you. I guess that's fine. Yes, that is your
turn, Malibu. You've heard argue with a door and then she just yelled
at you to come back. I was just going to ask, did I
did I hear her? Well, you can make a perception role. Just
don't get a one. Don't say that really now I'm afraid to click it.
Oh you gotta click it now. Yes, you heard it easily with
a nineteen. Okay, okay, I'll cull the five first. I know,
right, Okay, I'll come back. You opened the door. You
opened the door. I'm so proud of you. You opened the door,
wears Claudia. And she went down to l Dwayne and then dale was a
blue noise and damn Detres and then you think a shout of cannonball. I
believe was there an other side? I couldn't or wasn't see you on the
other side, see you on the other side. Yeah, But because she
didn't say uh huh oh, the door is open. I see that.
Do we need to fetch Claudia out of the drain or you are certainly welcome
to Twyfe. You're gonna need a metaphysical rootor router. You don't know until
you could if you want. It's in the other room. You don't know
what has happened. I'm going to I'm I'm going to do like I saw
Cloudia doing and cover by those and go in the room and try to look
down the dray to call to her. There's just a shiny, glimmering pool
quite a bit down. There is a ladder that leads down, but it
is like a rushing underground river, a very poorly mixed and disposed magical way.
As well as all the beer you went down there. There is no
sign of Claudia. But you may roll a perception if you would like,
or well, I yell Claudia, Claudia. There is no trace of her.
There is no trace. Okay, even with a twenty three, there
is no trace of her in just that rushing, glittering time. Although you
think you see future Kittie floating on a little floaty going down the river,
no, no backing it up. Backing it up back in. It's nice
down here. Nope, nope, nope, nope, No, I see
you down there, and I'm not coming in, so well I will.
I will join Gigi and say so the doors opened. Do I still need
to hold by those out of here? Well? It still smells like beer.
So you can either sing or hold your nose. You have a choice
option. I will hold by those because I'm tired of singing by day.
And I say, Gig, you got the door opened, So what's it
here? And yes, yes I did? What is it? What is
behind the door? Do you guys go in there? It looks like a
church. It's got several pews, rows and rows of pews. Que que
Do you want to head inside? There might be a trace of a very
large pool of blood. Sure, or catch up? Or catch up minerally.
Are y'all going inside? Yes? Sure, come on. Cuthon will
go in because he's undead and has nothing to lose. Honey, the badger
has gone in. Behold you see the statue of Charina. Because we don't
want to be soon um flanked by two enormous pulsating vats of beer. The
Great Mighty brew Mistress from The very first episode of the season is Chanting before
it with two enormous animated beer keg gullumns flanking her. But above all else,
you just hear this. What you see the mastermind behind it all,
standing by a massive pool of blood. It is none other than Honey the
Badger runs the fuck out of the room. Oh that was your turn?
Okay, and I whip out a weapon and make an attack or am I
done? You're done because you did go in the room. Okay, okay
and do an action. So this is your setup? So okay. Ella
is in child Protective Services, Claudia is in another dimension, Poli's in court.
Gekay, five, you've been waiting, I have. I have deliberately
stamped it spelled slot of this level so that I could can't five. On
the second that I saw a kig, it was like being bad. You
knew you've been waiting for this. Where are you centering the fireball? It?
Do the thing a going? Ah, It's eats in a range of
twenty. So if I'm d TA, I go and yeah, you you
would hit all the magical barrels, the pool of blood, the goat everything,
Yes, I do that that kills them all was they all have to
make dextiality saving souls. Oh my god, I have to make a lot
of dexterity saving throws. Oh please, the DM is doing math? Da
yes, I have been absolutely waiting to say thiaball. I've cast many other
fire spells, but fireball. How about I'm setting up which is the superior
fire spell? How much damage is fireball? Eight D six? That's that's
a lot. That That is definitely some damn. That's that's some damage.
Yeah, that's that's some damage. Yeah, and say, are looking for
a save of fifteen fifteen gratz the grat the ka. That would be fair.
I'm not fair? No? What? Oh fair? Fail? Failure
is good in this case? Oh okay, good? Not fail? They
still take calftain. Oh yes, I know, but that's not the person
you wanted to fail? Yeah, oh fail all right? Then whole damage
play he's plagure dan Oh oh thirty two? Oh so everybody except for that
main person I think takes thirty two? Yes, and they would take sixteen?
Yes? Yeah, thank you for doing math for the accountant masquerades is
the en What was that? How much was it? Again? Thirty two?
So sixteen right for the six have to do math. I don't want
to do math. You carry back in your bah all good, all,
good wizards. Okay, yeah, the components are always very interesting when you
actually start looking at them and you're like, wait what okay, I would
had that paper because it's roll twenty is acting out. Well, then the
whole room has you set the room on fire importunately, third room. Now
I have to roll to see if the kegs explode. Oh boy, please,
oh please, oh please? Well could you waac would you please roll
um the fireball damage again from the secondary explosions. Yeah, and then double
it because it was a critical explosion. Ah, okay done. Okay,
it's being like super dumb. It's being super slow. That's what I was
hoping you would do it. Yeah, yeah, it being super slow for
me too. Hey yeah a pushy the baton, pushy the baton. Okay,
So thirty four and twenty two, thirty four and twenty two, I
have to do math again as a fifty six fifty six Yeah, good team.
I had my calculator going and then my see what happens is that a
bat mills you a box by up both beer gollumns explode in fiery flames of
alcohol as the whole room. The whole room is on fire. The blood
is on fire. Yeah, you know, I like to set the world
on fire. You guys, you've blown up the whole room, Like,
is that the problem? My Goddess doesn't mind, as long as we get
rid of these nasty beer people, burn it all. The only thing not
on fire, strangely enough, is the goat that does not seem harmed at
all. No goats were harmed in the making of this fireball. But the
pews have started lighting on fire. So just as this session began oh so
long ago, everything's on fire. And finally the big lady, well not
so big, she's a dwarf. What the I don't like beer? It's
no matter. My ritual has completed. We shall all be cleansed in the
holy brew. Girl, as all of a sudden, foam starts erupting from
her mouth like a font of guinness. And you just hear man, Yes,
she's gurgling, and a full and frothy head is erupting from her mouth
as the whole room to shake. Yeah. I couldn't think of any better
for phrasing there. What do you do? M leave the room includes the
door, just like quietly the bodies in there, leave them with the goat
and just walk away. I don't know. You blew it up. You've
literally blown up the entire room. Everything's on fire. Yay, what would
you like to do anything else with your turn? Nope? My turn.
I think he's done. You've done in action. I think are you moving?
Are you like moving out the door? Ah? No, I'm okay.
You're gonna pay in the flaming room, the flaming shaking room with the
person erupting beer foam from her mouth and the goat. I mean, it's
not the worst decision I've made today. So yes, okay, your turn.
What are you doing to shake? Um? I'm casting a spell.
It's called spiritual weapon, and I'm creating a floating spectral weapon, and I'm
going to hack at the goat. You are going to attack to goat?
By the way, just so you can see, can you guys see what's
happening in the room. Yes, that's cool. Effect of those of you
who can't see the whole room is it's just it's just on fire. She's
there, you go, dancing fireball it's so cute. Just a little fireballoo
and yeah and yes, I am attacking the goat. You are attacking the
goat? Why the hell not? Okay, roll use your spell? Please
let me see what it does. What's the same bad decision? Let's go?
Wait said? The room is shaking violently. Okay, there we go.
It is. I'm waiting for it to show up. Struggling weapon.
Hi ooh what is the save on that? Oh? Hell, I don't
know. Um, I don't think it's a save yet for twelve points of
four stamp. Oh you you ever wondered if the goat bleeds? The answer
is no, it sparkles where you cut it. Of course it does.
Man, we don't very good. You can't control of us and make us
not talk. The goat hops up on a bench and just goes. Man.
Think think that scene from the Terminator when it just comes out of the
fire, not even sing. Maybe it is a good idea that we leave.
You want to go, let's go, gee, you have movement left
the turn. What would you like to do? Is this the door?
The door is right here? Yeah, okay, you've got out the door.
The door. I'm just gonna say what are you doing when I suppose
since the other person in my patty has left room, I shall follow.
Do you give any orders to Cruton? I will tell Kutan to come along.
I let's run like the fuck out of here. Hi. Yeah,
and we run away. So you're running away, you're buggering close before?
But wait, did you stop the ritual? Will I die a horrible bath
under? Here? Was my sacrifice of duty and made wait? It was
worth it? Thank you? You guys all like running away? Yeah?
Why not? Okay? Time to move the time to move? The map?
The map is change because I was gonna say, let's see if this
works or for all twenty blows up? Yes, what it is? It
is a totally a guess, but let's find out and we're back. It's
thinking in the beer yard, the beer garden, which is also on fire.
Yes, it is on fire as well. It's still on fire.
Everyone's running and screaming because I make a very easy perception check. Can't say
make it easy perception check that invites bad role. Yeah, that's exactly why
I do it, because it's more fun that way. I'm trying Malibu with
the fifteen. You will notice this, okay, I'm trying. I'm pushing
the button. Okay, hold time, I'll do it a different way.
Then I have a plus zero so it doesn't matter. Oh my god,
perception it. Oh it's trund you made it. That'll do? Get do?
You? And Kruton in Malibu can see the wave about to hit this
beer garden. The people are screaming and running. Everything's on fire, and
all you can hear is that final before the wave crashes into all of you,
washing you, Serena. I tried, all of you. Please make
your constitution saves. Let's see how many I make this time. Yeah,
I made one, just one. I just made the one. I know.
All of you gets swept up, so both of you are inebriated.
Fortunately I'm very buoyant, so I just turn over and float hold on while
I moved the tail after lighting it all on fire, it set it on
fire. We turned about and gallantly we too, just taking it. Twenty
is being a little slow. I apologize to all these people excited by what
could possibly happen. But now Missy's voluntarily singing. I know I'm stuck with
it now. Oh yeah, you can definitely smell beer. Both of you
need to roll. Do you want hundreds please? Of course we do,
because you have been completely for a while. You have been soaked twenty six
and forty, So what could possibly happen with you? Ba you sweat skunk
spray? If what period? Would you please roll me two D six?
Sorry, now she's turning into pet Bailipu for ten minutes. Oh she is
the lover. I covered it. I am covered in beer probably for the
next teen minutes. And everyone. Let me know when you can see where
are you wake up? Oh? And um forty for Malibu? Yes,
okay, something has happened. Oh I can't. I can something has happened.
I can see it on riverside. It cannot see it on roll twenty.
Okay, let me know when you can see it? Can you can
you see it? Can see? I can see I can see it.
I think I can. Basically, they're the big crash. Everything fades to
black, and you wake up on a tranquil little beach. Hey, Malibu,
Yes, you see the smoldering remains of a motherfucking shipwreck. Everything.
We're back by, We're back in there. You can't smell beer right now,
because all you can smell is skunk oh wow, Oh man, there's
a skunk somewhere nearby. But you don't have to think as long as it's
there. Oh, Cruton, I have to find out what happened that we
got to Yeah, I know, yeah, okay, Cruton, what do
you got? What you got? Boy? Something has happened to Cruton and
you don't know what. Classy? Where are we? And when we are
on a cust and sa as a boat this moldering ruins of a boat that
clearly has seen it, did boot? You know, I'm a smoldering blue
on another passion, but I see a countaza passion. This is actually the
boat that brought up here, and and we were we were roasting marshmallows in
the fire until it got too hot and we had to leave. But but
this is the boat. This is where everything went wrong, This is where
it all started. Oh oh, does this mean we're going to do it
all over again? Oh? My head hurts, My head hurts. Hey,
I'm not singing, don du hey, I'm not singing long ago.
Now the chunk that's weird. But all the trees glisten with that matt with
a shimmer of magic. And you hear off in the distance, a very
loud and thunderous me out done, dune done. They have returned to where
they begin. There is still one matter left to resolve. Someone, Claudia
barre leib Paven. Can you break a perception role for me? You've been
swished and slashed, and time has no meaning. You're not quite sure if
you're here, there, anywhere, but you have awakened. It's eighteen it's
dark and cold, and you're very wet. But you're floating in something and
there are walls all around you. What do you do? It's just like
my babysitters waterbed. No oh, but there is one thing. You no
longer feel the urge to sing sweet mercy, and all your ears and tail
are gone, other than your bare ears that you actually okay, oh um
if if if Claudia emerges from all of this. She's hoping to be some
kind of super villain after taking a spill in a vat of toxic Yeah,
several of your I will say that your entire outer like several of your outer
layers were stripped away somehow in the current, but you've been left with your
main outfit. But the the suit itself seems to purple purple, Like there's
sort of a purple mashen to your clothes and the hair that's falling in front
of your face. Your prints kind of green, a green. Yes,
I want to know how I got these? Sky eat? What do you
do? You're you're in there's there's a light up ahead, and you're very
wet, and it's cold, and and there's rock walls? What do you
do? Um? Rock walls? Like you're in sort of well, what
does the structure? It's hard to tell. You're you're a little bit disorientated,
and you're down in in in a lot of water and lapping and you
can feel the current trying to pull you again. But there there are wall
Am I in a well? Are you what do you do? Holy?
Well? Um? I guess she'll feel around for any kind of rope or
there there are some handhuls. I mean, you are a view things.
If you make your athletic roon all right, she will climb. I think
I think it's very dark night rises. It's like, are you oh yeah,
with an eighteen you you've got all the time in the world. Are
you gonna climb up this wet wall and struggle with many of your layers?
Stripped, and your hands seem slightly pale. Yeah, sure she will climb.
She will begin the climb, all right, Just make me one more
athletics, roll and beat a ten, Jamie, You slip down, a
little struggle a wrong, you could almost what do you do? Um?
She'll keep trying the climb, make me another go with a twenty. You
scramble up and yes, your hands reach over the edge of what appears to
be a well surrounded by a burned down village. I think you actually hear
maniacal laughter from an unseen force. Ah, and everything seems slightly different.
But yes, your clothes have a violet sheen, your hair is now green,
and your skin is paler than it was. Why so serious, Cloudia
Baron leebe Haber. Nice? And thus we fade to black. So we
have reached the end of some stories and a new beginning for others. Where
on the world or what world can now contains Claudia Baron leebe Haber, Will
Gigi Cluton and Malibu start over from the beginning, Will elatas ever survive child
protective services? Will the paternity suit forfending? However? And I don't think
so? And we'll ten and Elizabeth live happily ever after. Will we find
out the answers? But in our minds and in our hearts we can always
finish the story. I'm sad now that is me Ari car ruining everything.
But who knows? There is as a chant, always a chance for new
beginnings. They are now there because I will say, for Jigi, Malibu
and Cruton, off on the horizon, you do see another boat and we
can start a boat service. I would be any final words, my lovely
Calamity James or final for now cast fire and ask questions? Jacob Malibu Malibu's
crying in the corner, So no, you only never joining a temple in
an island and believe but she wanted to throw Silas out a window and she
never had the chance. So there is, there is, there is?
And Claudia, do you have any final words for everyone? In Calamity Jane's
we don't talk about the goat. The goat talks about us. Well,
that was sudden and interesting, but it's not over for us yet. Do
we have anything else to do tonight, lovely lady? We you know people
were asking all kinds of intrusive and nosy questions on the on the today,
we might as well answer a few. I think we're more questions, like
we're gonna have to do a special like oh my god, what happened?
Oh man? But yeah, yeah, well okay, yeah, first question,
I have a question for you guys. Are you okay? Yeah?
Everything is fine? Everything. Didn't see that, you, guys? No,
I had the timer going the whole time. That was the thing y'all
never noticed. I did not. I made it really obvious in the first
game that I had a timer going. Oh yeah, but um, but
yeah, we did have some questions that people were asking and um. Of
course, as always, we go to the discord first because they throw cash
at us and we like people that throw cash at us even when we're not
dancing, so um, you know, if you throw cash at us,
then we will answer your questions first. And what you want to be able
to throw cash at us too, well, go to the Patreon. It's
on It's on the Authors and Dragon's website. Patreon joined the Authors and Dragon's
Patreon, and it will get you access to the discord where the where the
cool kids that throw money at us hang out and um, and you will
get to get your questions answered first. So with all that said, because
I'm going on too long? Um, Kyle the goof Oh no really,
seriously, where did I go? Anyway? Oh well then I'm just I'm
going invisible because I don't want you to see me. No, no,
no, okay, I'm going to close out. It's just it's just my
camera. But anyway, I am now a disembodied voice from the from the
ether, and I will tell you, Kyle the Goods, says the Calamity
Janes, build a theme park. Your in game characters have been contracted to
build an amusement park based on yourselves and your adventures. What rides will we
find there? What snacks are at the food stalls? What mascot characters?
Can the children line up to meet Future Kitty? We all know the mascot
is Future Kitty. Let's just and Honey the Badger. They walk around in
different parts. And now now a goat and that terrorizes you if you linger
too long in life? Yeah, yeah, I mean they have the villains
at Disney World, so I'm sure they would have the villain at so yeah,
the goat definitely Scottish food. Nice. Do do we have any fendingos
running around chasing pretty girls was to annoy them. Maybe yeah, well,
what fan dingo with a goatee is in the calamity jeans? Oh yeah,
I want to know what Claudia's ride is. Claudia would love to have a
gift shop with tons of costumes and you know, possibly people pickpocketing, and
and and ears, lots of different kinds of ears. Absolutely, how about
you? What would be Malibu's ride or would it be like a lazy river?
Oh? I hadn't thought of the lazy river. That'd be fun.
But now Malibu was actually gonna have a surfing ride where you get up on
the board and you're no no, no, no, no no no no
no no no yeah, oh yes, yes, oh yes, the strawberries
flavored bubble yes, and you get to bounce around on the water, so
in between the people on surfboards. It's a it's a dangerous ride, but
what it does Gigi's ride beh um, that's quite a ride. Uh yeah,
that's quite a right. She would have the time trying to think of
something that would be like super fred should I just my brain is like but
no, she'd have the Tunnel of Love, except it's not love. It's
it's being a motorcycle, flaming bread a brain, bye bye, we're all
a little fried. But but yeah, any anything with fireball throwing. Yeah,
yeah, that's that's the only requirement. Of course, there would be
a very large set of shopping stalls where there would be poisonous dumplings mixed in
with regular ones. Yeah. Yeah, what are you what are you devising,
Rachel? Oh, I would devise the whole thing, you know,
obviously, mastermind, masterminded. There would there would be things like the boat
ride that collapses and slowly goes on fire. There would be a whole ride
where you go into a haunted castle and the goal is how long can you
stay without leaving? Okay, And there would be lots of beer involved.
Oh that's scary. Yeah, I like it. That is very scary,
but no, I think it would be fun. And definitely there would there
would be future Kittie and Honey the Badger walking around as the mascot, because
that would be what I would cordinate. And lots of good food. There
would actually be a lot of good food, because we good food. We
don't mess around here. And there would be every adult stand you would and
you could roast marshmallows over a flaming ship. Exactly. Yes, Now there
is a second half to this question. The contract includes a clause that you
have to a clause with a seat that you have to include the names and
likenesses of the guys, but nothing says they have to be happy with how
they're represented. So what attraction do the guy's names headline? We mean,
like the the class Richter random fluid dunking booth, punch of Silas, punch
of silas, yeah, silas, Kane defenestration ride where you get at the
end you get to push him out of wind, get to push him out
of window. That was they see, that's exactly you and me. We're
on the same wavelength girl. The Brandon Thimaster Hall of Mirrors, yes,
ye oh my god, the fantastical kissing booth not included. Oh yeah yes
yeah. And of course Biorn would just be walking around with the mascots handing
out flowers. Let's be real, love yud perfect, And I'm pretty sure
Ella would have like a jousting type match and would have the strength games and
Dolly poly Darton would be hosting the jamboree and sing along. Yeah. Yes,
the Country Kitty Jamboree. Okay, all right, well that was our
discord question. It was a big one. That's why that was. We're
just doing one discord question. But we do have some questions from the Facebook
because even though they don't throw money at us, actually sometimes some of them
do. But even though they didn't throw money at us, we still love
and adore our Facebook fans. So from the Facebook, which you two can
can join, so please do m Nicole, I am so sorry. I'm
going to butcher your middle name and I apologize, but Nicole unbayon Henning or
beyond Henning, I'm not sure anyway, Nicole Henning with a middle name that
I really can't pronounce, ask who do you think would die first in a
horror movie scenario and who would be the final girl. We're pretty sure that
the gig is the final girl, yes, m yeah, or the killer
and Malibu is the final girl because she's the blonde and she's yeah yeah,
yeah yeah, unless it's on a beach and decides to take most of her
clothes off, at which point she becomes a victim because she's taken her clothes
off and you can't live with with the killer having seen your underwear is true.
Yeah, we all know that I would be the if we're doing true
horror movie rules as the d M, I would be the killer. You're
the killer, Yeah, that is how that works. God is probably gonna
survive stupid situation after stupid situation and then just die right at the end something,
oh the heroic switch. Yeah, or she's going to be the one
where you know, they finally get in and they slammed the door and she's
standing there. She goes, huh, we made it, and then the
blade comes through the slat and yeah, yeah, exactly, I got it,
so Nicole Um And of course I had to choose this one because it
was funny. Um, Our dearest darling Mark, Yes that Mark. Do
we want to say it one mo time? Fuck you Mark? Mark?
Um. Mark wants to know what other accents can each of you convincingly do
with or without being sober? Oh? Convincingly that's the hard part. Oh,
I can't. I can be vaguely Middle Middle um, sorry, Eastern
European. I'm not gonna nail down where it's from, but I can be
Eastern European Plannsylvania, yes a little bit, because I used to use it
when I was when I was belly dancing at the Renaissance Fair and people would
ask where I was from, and I would say, I cannot tell you
where I am from, and so I would just be vaguely Eastern European and
that way no one would really guess and I didn't have to be specific.
So other than French, what can you do, Dudy, I wouldn't even
say I can do sorry, I can probably pull off like a I can
do Valley. Oh my god. Well, like, you know, I
just really think that he's super cute, you know, and like I went
to Starbucks the other day and I got a triple shot vinty pumpkin spice latte
and it was like discuss, like I could have been so pitient. Um
uh. And occasionally I can just Minnesota appears out of nowhere, but I
can't summon it at will. Oh no, it just happened here. Unusually
in the middle of a D and D session, something some poor character suddenly
becomes from Minnesota and I can't stop it. That was on the Wild Table
list, by the way, I would have loved if that had come up
for you. Uh. And maybe like a southern Ish accent more Southern accent,
since apparently I do have one. You do some um, Yeah,
when I went to Boston, briefly, like the second I opened my mouth,
they were like, where are you? What part of the South are
you from? It's like, what kind of freak are you? You must
take the elocution lessons so they can't figure out where the hell you're from,
like me, apparently, I mean I could use my real accent. This
is not my real accent, this is not actually let's hear it, do
it. I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, I am
from Memphis, Tennessee, and as usually when I'm talking to my family,
this is when it comes out. But I also have taken lessons so that
I sound perfectly fine. But occasionally I do sorry to my Russian mother in
law. But yes, when they want to like and I can loose because
you know, you kept the least peak dogs, I'm fum Russian. And
obviously you've heard this one, which usually comes out when I'm fucking drunk and
to annoy my husband because it's really fun. But I mean, when I
hang around my husband and his family, I do find that I go a
wee bit posh in Southern British. I can't help it. Nice be received.
Yeah, it does make a big impact on if you're around people,
Like when I'm down around my family, I get real Southern, real fast.
But we good from our illustrious emmy caplan. Ah, I don't know
about the successful part. But don't worry about You've heard my Scottish. How
many times? I think there's no accent safe from me except Scottish, just
because I can't. I can't Lois Grass. Yeah. But but yeah,
I used to go on that Oh shoot, I can't remember what it was.
It was a website where they have people record their accents from Oh.
Yeah. It was like, shoot, I can't do Irish. I can't
do Australian to save my soul. It South African. It's just right,
South Africans impossible. It is very hard accents. Yeah, because it's three
different things at the same time. Yeah, right, So Australian. Oh
who can do Australian? Oh god, kaiky Like I do the worst Australian
accent in history. I am awful at it. And yet I'm writing a
story where there is where one of the people has an Australian accent, like
they all have all the accents, and I don't know why I'm doing that.
I can write it, but by god, I can't tell the narrator
how to speak it. When I go home, as my normal accent becomes
low country again. So right now I'm Upstates, so it's you know,
it's not it's a little harder, but when I go home it becomes very
soft and kind of slow. It made me cry the first time that I
was in college and I've been there for about three months, and my best
friend called and she said, you're losing your accent. And I said,
don't say such things to me. So no, but but that's usually when
I go home. I remembered. It's the website is the please call Stella
Stella. It's an accent archive for there's some awful accents that I just can't
really do, like Brooklyn, even though I live in Massachusetts, I don't
sound particularly Massachusetts. I have. I have what's called the newsreader voice,
like I was trained to speak in this very neutral, flat um, almost
mid Atlantic accent. You know, it's it's the news reader voice. It's
the Hollywood kind of twang. And I was complimented by my British relatives that
the in law is saying that, oh, you're the understandable American. Oh
out yeah, and it's not an accent, but I can do you know,
like super high pitched obnoxious. Well we all have heard Hannah Barbarian.
I can do this point and I can. You know, when we were
in Wales, um we uh, we got in a taxi to to get
to the We got off the train and we got in a taxi to go
to the hotel. And the little man he had to be one hundred and
seventy years old, and um, he was driving the taxi. He said,
so where are you from? And we said we're from Charleston, South
Carolina. And he said, oh, that's where Scarlett O'Hara's from. And
he was so delighted and he acts he played Scarlett O'Hara was British. Let's
just she was born in India. Oh he didn't care, he was he
was just solved about the fact that we were from the from the south.
And so but the you declaim that I'd love to hear Emily do like a
fen fatile Russian accent. Come on, you can be like be like I
used to read my kids. They're books in a different accent every night.
And it's been so long. But union, you do not speak of go
to speak of you, Beautiful. I can't think of a better note.
Ten. What a perfect end, beautiful chef, kiss We love you all,
Calamity, James, fans and stun to see what might be happening in
the future. Is it an end or a beginning? Who knows done?
Done done? I'm Offices and Dragons brought to under Creative Commons license, meaning
you were free to share this material so long as credit is given to those
who created, which is us people you just heard to play the game opening
and closing themes performed by the Gore Core four Sweet Mercy,