WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.120 --> 00:00:20.920 Comedy Central podcast s s. Thank you, thank you. I don' 2 00:00:20.960 --> 00:00:23.000 t care how you guys are. I' m not okay. Okay, 3 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:24.760 I' m not okay. I realized the other day that I wasn' 4 00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:30.120 t right when they called me from a phone company to tell me their publicity 5 00:00:30.120 --> 00:00:32.399 and instead of telling him I' m on the Robinson list, I don 6 00:00:32.399 --> 00:00:33.759 ' t know if you know what the Robinson list is. It' s 7 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:36.880 a list you sign up for and then they can' t call you to 8 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:40.159 advertise anymore. And then what they called me. I got really nervous and 9 00:00:40.240 --> 00:00:42.159 I told him, instead of telling him I' m on the Robinson list, 10 00:00:42.359 --> 00:00:46.679 I told him he' s studying on Schindler' s list. Auntie 11 00:00:46.759 --> 00:00:48.759 hung up on me. He hung up on me. He realized, I 12 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:51.079 mean, the message that I' m protected and I can' t do 13 00:00:51.079 --> 00:00:56.159 anything about it. He got it, but I fucking got hung up by 14 00:00:56.159 --> 00:00:59.159 an agent of these callers to tell you about the publicity, eh, Host. 15 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:03.280 I don' t want to go, but I know what you' 16 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:06.799 re thinking. I know what your question is right now, in your head 17 00:01:06.920 --> 00:01:10.280 this chick, what the fuck she wants, what a monologue is doing here, 18 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:12.519 because I love trying to make people laugh for money, of course, 19 00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:15.760 that is, me money. It' s what I like the most, 20 00:01:15.799 --> 00:01:19.359 money, but also attention. I mean, I need attention, a lot 21 00:01:19.359 --> 00:01:22.280 of attention, because no one' s ever listened to me. I have 22 00:01:22.359 --> 00:01:25.439 a lot of affective deficiencies. So I, right now, am like when 23 00:01:25.439 --> 00:01:29.000 a man breaks a nail. Okay it' s like I' m here 24 00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:33.319 right now for me all the attention right now, for me okay this happens 25 00:01:33.719 --> 00:01:38.400 to me since I was little, because when I was always little, always, 26 00:01:38.560 --> 00:01:41.599 always decorated in children' s functions, always, always was tree and 27 00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:44.040 then I threw a lot of extra hours at home. So I' ve 28 00:01:44.079 --> 00:01:47.680 never been listened to, I' ve never been heard less than by Infanta 29 00:01:47.680 --> 00:01:59.200 Sofia. I swear to you, I' ve been listened to less than 30 00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:04.239 Infanta Sofia, who calls herself the Queen. For one thing, I' 31 00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:06.120 m Madrid. I don' t know if I can tell I' m 32 00:02:06.120 --> 00:02:07.039 madrileña. It' s going to be clear to you right now that I 33 00:02:07.039 --> 00:02:08.599 ' m Madrid. Okay, I' m gonna tell you what happened to 34 00:02:08.599 --> 00:02:12.280 me the other day at Peñiscola. I didn' t know where Peñíscola was. 35 00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:14.319 I don' t know. It' s not good today, but 36 00:02:14.319 --> 00:02:16.280 I was in Peñíscola. I' m Madrid. For me it is all 37 00:02:16.280 --> 00:02:21.400 Madrid, that is, for me there is no life beyond parla and it 38 00:02:22.599 --> 00:02:24.879 is and then in parla there is no life, which is as it is 39 00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:30.120 a bit contradictory in parla you have no life. There' s someone out 40 00:02:30.120 --> 00:02:37.759 here, yeah, and what are you doing here to suck her up to 41 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:45.560 the man, or not going, because she was in Peñiscola and she was 42 00:02:45.560 --> 00:02:49.280 in a bar. I wanted to order a glass of water and of course 43 00:02:49.319 --> 00:02:51.080 I am used to the water of Madrid, which is the best water in 44 00:02:51.080 --> 00:02:53.520 the world. She' s Christian Ronaldo of the Waters, only much better, 45 00:02:53.719 --> 00:02:54.840 because she' s never going to have an accusation of sexual harassment. 46 00:02:55.159 --> 00:03:00.080 That' s how you can trust the water of Madrid and the applause of 47 00:03:00.159 --> 00:03:04.960 demagoguery. Of course, I already knew the magician that was going to work 48 00:03:05.039 --> 00:03:10.759 and then I asked for a glass of water. And at that very moment 49 00:03:10.759 --> 00:03:14.240 when I was asking for a glass of water, I realized that I was 50 00:03:14.280 --> 00:03:16.360 not in Madrid and that it was a coastal area. Then I said Hostia. 51 00:03:17.439 --> 00:03:20.360 I thought super fast. It' s a coastal area. Maybe you 52 00:03:20.360 --> 00:03:22.879 don' t drink tap water here. Maybe I should have ordered a bottle. 53 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:25.000 But all this with my mouth already saying a glass of water. Please, 54 00:03:25.319 --> 00:03:30.120 then my brain collapses and I said why I don' t know if 55 00:03:30.240 --> 00:03:32.599 you drink in a glass here. Auntie realized she was madrileña. Idiot sorry 56 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:39.159 for the redundancy. I like to make Madrid jokes. I like it a 57 00:03:39.240 --> 00:03:43.479 lot because no one ever gets angry. No one from Madrid has been angry 58 00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:46.319 or over a joke, but with your own dick in your mouth you don 59 00:03:46.360 --> 00:03:57.800 ' t hear anything do around. Why do you think we say that we 60 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:05.439 have semen here and it' s hard for us to speak clearly, because 61 00:04:05.479 --> 00:04:09.400 we have the ghost limb syndrome, which is like when we speak the mouth 62 00:04:09.680 --> 00:04:13.360 is empty, it' s like where it is. Anyway, I' 63 00:04:13.400 --> 00:04:16.879 ve been advised to tell you about banal topics to start with, and so, 64 00:04:17.160 --> 00:04:24.199 then, I can tell you anything to see banal themes. How about 65 00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:28.319 the income statement this year my bad, mine bad,' cause I was 66 00:04:28.360 --> 00:04:30.120 going out to get back and I' m saying fucking weird if I was 67 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:33.680 already cured of bullying. What' s going on? I don' t 68 00:04:33.800 --> 00:04:38.279 know if this banal thing. I don' t know if well, maybe 69 00:04:38.360 --> 00:04:40.040 it' s a little soon another or better, another, better, another. 70 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:45.160 You have realized how bad it is on the holidays this year, on 71 00:04:45.160 --> 00:04:48.000 the calendar to which it is, from January to April we had not a 72 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:51.879 single holiday or one. I was just talking to a friend the other day 73 00:04:51.920 --> 00:04:55.519 and she said good. But it' s three months. It' s 74 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:57.759 okay. I' ll be right back. It' s Christmas that you 75 00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:00.399 see how time goes by and I' m fucking sayin' that months is 76 00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:02.519 a lot of time. It' s three months before it' s been 77 00:05:02.519 --> 00:05:05.040 three months. These people who live in the future remind me of my kind 78 00:05:05.079 --> 00:05:09.160 who in the first race already said they were journalists. It' s like 79 00:05:09.720 --> 00:05:14.120 uncle, wait, don' t wait, you still lack a lot of 80 00:05:14.120 --> 00:05:21.879 dicks to eat to be journalists. Don' t worry, you' re 81 00:05:21.920 --> 00:05:26.560 going to eat them. That' s for sure. There' s some 82 00:05:26.560 --> 00:05:30.319 more reporters here. Yeah, how' s it going on the CP page 83 00:05:30.360 --> 00:05:31.160 now? It' s working fine now. Okay, I just don' 84 00:05:31.279 --> 00:05:33.399 t know if it happens to you, because it happened to me when I 85 00:05:33.399 --> 00:05:35.160 finished the race, which is like uncle, I' ve missed something in 86 00:05:35.160 --> 00:05:39.160 this race. Like he' s known me a little bit, it' 87 00:05:39.160 --> 00:05:42.000 s clear to get pointed in the inem already it' s like college doesn 88 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:44.120 ' t make anything easier for you. Uncle is but good. Anyway, 89 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:47.759 I was talking to this friend about this holiday thing, because we were just 90 00:05:48.279 --> 00:05:53.480 talking about the eight. I swear to you, the eight is in the 91 00:05:53.519 --> 00:05:56.480 block of banal subjects I swear it' s complete chance It' s okay. 92 00:05:56.759 --> 00:06:00.480 I' m not taking care of this. We were talking about it 93 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:04.160 because I had called a strike in some communities and not in others, but 94 00:06:04.199 --> 00:06:08.680 she said equally good. I, even if there was a strike here with 95 00:06:08.680 --> 00:06:11.199 a bite in Madrid, I couldn' t have done it because I' 96 00:06:11.279 --> 00:06:15.879 m a cop and the cops, because we don' t have a strike 97 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:17.519 and how you can' t strike the cops instead of hitting sticks every three 98 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:21.360 minutes, you hit every fifteen, that is, services, minimum services, 99 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:21.680 no and with more bad shit, because you' re on strike on top. 100 00:06:28.120 --> 00:06:30.360 Well, as long as you get the point. Yes, the rumors 101 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:35.399 are true. I don' t really fuck anything. Don' t fuck 102 00:06:35.480 --> 00:06:40.319 always say people b being super easy aunt, fuck when you want. I 103 00:06:40.360 --> 00:06:43.519 don' t know what the lincel said. But I mean, I have 104 00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:46.720 friends who say fuck. I didn' t miss anything and a month ago 105 00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:49.639 his last fuck that you say good. Me. The last time I fucked 106 00:06:49.639 --> 00:06:56.199 was in December of two thousand nineteen I swear to you. That was the 107 00:06:56.240 --> 00:07:04.480 last White Christmas I had. The last one has caught him now I don 108 00:07:04.480 --> 00:07:06.319 ' t jewel any of this. It' s a fact I give you 109 00:07:06.360 --> 00:07:10.639 just to know me. But of course I, thinking about this, say 110 00:07:10.639 --> 00:07:12.000 fuck, because I' m going to put my pussy in Wallap Pop. 111 00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:18.360 If I don' t use it, not or at least I don' 112 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:23.639 t take another one. But it' s just not that good. He 113 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:27.240 ' s in such a bad state that I' ve had to call him 114 00:07:27.240 --> 00:07:30.000 off three times already. I' d teach it, I swear, I 115 00:07:30.040 --> 00:07:31.959 ' d teach it, but, well, we' re not gonna teach 116 00:07:31.959 --> 00:07:34.160 here on TV either. It' s just that you weren' t going 117 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:38.079 to see anything either. But it' s very dark. It' s 118 00:07:38.079 --> 00:07:41.759 darker than Stevie Wonder' s thoughts. You weren' t gonna see anything. 119 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:46.040 I think I fuck very little because I don' t know how to 120 00:07:46.040 --> 00:07:48.639 hook up and I don' t know how to hook up because I don 121 00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:49.399 ' t know how to relate to men and less to Internet people. That 122 00:07:49.560 --> 00:07:56.040 there are some on the Internet that tell me listen I would do you a 123 00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.279 favor, I say what favor you will do me. You' re going 124 00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:01.839 to stay home waiting for the package that comes back to me two and the 125 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:05.079 others tell me I gave you very good what you' re going to give 126 00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:09.680 me your electronic signature and more, if I can make a transfer like but 127 00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:11.959 the ones that piss me off the most of all are the ones who, 128 00:08:13.079 --> 00:08:13.959 when you answer, tell you what' s wrong with you. You' 129 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:18.319 re pissed because you' re on the rule that you' re morons. 130 00:08:18.920 --> 00:08:20.680 Women don' t have to be pissed when we' re on the rule. 131 00:08:22.160 --> 00:08:24.399 It' s before the fucking rule that you don' t understand that 132 00:08:24.439 --> 00:08:33.159 if you are, you are normal. Dude, it' s to see 133 00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:35.519 thanks, it' s not that you either. I want to insult you 134 00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:41.600 is that I' m going to get the rule sorry, but well, 135 00:08:41.960 --> 00:08:43.720 I still really like men. I can' t do anything about it. 136 00:08:43.759 --> 00:08:46.440 I haven' t discovered the button of homosexuality. I still like men and 137 00:08:46.600 --> 00:08:50.279 I value educated men very much. There aren' t many of those left. 138 00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:52.320 That' s what they tell you. Excuse me. It would be 139 00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:58.039 very daring to send him a picture of my dick. I don' t 140 00:08:58.120 --> 00:09:01.120 understand this. This is about valuing cocks well that is, putting note to 141 00:09:01.200 --> 00:09:05.639 cocks. What I am to your teacher and what I do if you don 142 00:09:05.720 --> 00:09:09.519 ' t get to the average I suppress you or as well it' s 143 00:09:09.519 --> 00:09:13.200 bureaucratic. It' s dick photo come stamp approved suspense. It' s 144 00:09:13.240 --> 00:09:16.000 all super cold, which is like what kind of hook- up this is. 145 00:09:16.600 --> 00:09:18.120 It makes me so weird to have seen someone' s genitals and you 146 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:22.360 don' t even know what it' s called, that' s where 147 00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:24.279 you' ve put the romanticism in it because I can' t find it. 148 00:09:24.360 --> 00:09:28.200 He' s already completely lost himself. The photo- chickens they send 149 00:09:28.879 --> 00:09:33.840 you are against stings from below. You know no, so that makes everything 150 00:09:33.000 --> 00:09:37.120 look bigger without size reference around, I mean, they don' t even 151 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:39.879 put you on the pencil and kea that' s like a guy a little 152 00:09:41.360 --> 00:09:43.039 bit know the size something and tell you what. You think, well, 153 00:09:43.159 --> 00:09:46.120 I don' t think I know how. I mean, those guys haven 154 00:09:46.120 --> 00:09:50.360 ' t come out, but by the way, let' s not. 155 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:58.440 I don' t want to cut, either, uh, I don' 156 00:09:58.440 --> 00:10:01.039 t want to force. I' m not a or h no sorry eh. 157 00:10:01.320 --> 00:10:05.919 And besides, the cocks, man, they' re on the order 158 00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:09.159 of the day. Everyone' s sending cocksuckers. That' s right, 159 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:13.840 everybody sends cocksuckers. My grandfather sent me one once. I swear to you, 160 00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:16.200 my grandfather sent me one. Evidently, it wasn' t for me, 161 00:10:16.279 --> 00:10:16.960 man, you were wrong. It was for my mother. He doesn 162 00:10:18.000 --> 00:10:20.360 ' t love me that much. But, well, since you' ve 163 00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:24.000 brought up the subject of people on the Internet, I' m very interested. 164 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:28.039 I just had to tell you something about this. Internet people. Twitter. 165 00:10:28.320 --> 00:10:31.000 Twitter freaks me out. They once got mad at me on Twitter because 166 00:10:31.159 --> 00:10:35.799 I said ultrasounds in three days of babies are ugly. I don' t 167 00:10:35.799 --> 00:10:39.000 know if you' ve seen the ultrasounds, these that do you when you 168 00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:41.720 ' re pregnant. So, I said they' re ugly and they got 169 00:10:41.799 --> 00:10:45.039 a lot angry pro- life, it' s okay that they' re 170 00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:48.279 people who are against abortion. I literally said that I shit shit with more 171 00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:52.240 human form than those ultrasounds are worth, which is true, it' s 172 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:58.799 no joke. The provida got angry, they called me a murderer, they 173 00:11:00.120 --> 00:11:03.600 called me a lucifer, and like, wow, I' m finally famous 174 00:11:05.440 --> 00:11:07.120 Mom came out of the Bible, they called me a sinner who sounds the 175 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:09.200 new song of Borne vertins. They' re not cool a little bit, 176 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:11.399 but it' s true the ultrasounds between days aren' t pretty. Man, 177 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:13.399 they' re not pretty. I don' t know if you' 178 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:16.080 ve seen them They' re not pretty. You know what' s not 179 00:11:16.080 --> 00:11:20.279 pretty either? The insults I received for saying this, you know what' 180 00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:24.080 s also not nice, the death threats I received for saying this you know 181 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:28.000 what' s less beautiful about this whole thing. The ultrasounds in three of 182 00:11:28.039 --> 00:11:39.879 uncles are facens are very ugly, p and they are because you can not 183 00:11:39.879 --> 00:11:43.000 say this. You can' t say this because you' re against life. 184 00:11:43.200 --> 00:11:45.279 Not if I' m totally in favor of the ugly ones, I 185 00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:48.759 mean, if we need fangs and for me as a fucking mother, I 186 00:11:48.840 --> 00:11:54.679 ' m going full with them. My favorites are the ones who say that 187 00:11:54.519 --> 00:12:00.440 I wish, the parents of the people who joke about abortion would have aborted, 188 00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:05.559 which is how you don' t see it. You don' t 189 00:12:05.600 --> 00:12:07.480 see that we agree. I fucking hug, give me a pussy hug and 190 00:12:07.879 --> 00:12:13.200 stop bothering at the door of the sports clinic. Hell, I wish people 191 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.759 lived a good abortion, which is the opposite. But this one is proven. 192 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:22.240 These people who got mad at me, they looked at me on my 193 00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:24.799 twitch because these people are very researching, but especially looking back, back, 194 00:12:24.000 --> 00:12:28.000 back. In the past they are very nostalgic. I like these people a 195 00:12:28.039 --> 00:12:33.399 lot. The past scoured me on my twitch and pulled one off of the 196 00:12:35.279 --> 00:12:37.440 International Suicide Prevention Day. I think, I mean, it' s not 197 00:12:37.440 --> 00:12:41.879 International Suicide Day. I think because it would be ugly not to plan an 198 00:12:41.879 --> 00:12:43.000 International Suicide Day as we' re all going to stay this day for no. 199 00:12:43.080 --> 00:12:46.360 I don' t think so. I think it' s suicide prevention 200 00:12:46.440 --> 00:12:50.000 day it' s wrong that I don' t know this because it' 201 00:12:50.039 --> 00:12:54.600 s because I was interviewed by a radio station in Valencia, because I had 202 00:12:56.000 --> 00:12:58.559 a military brother who killed himself and then they interviewed me that day and provida 203 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:03.480 them. The provida people. He took my tweet, quoted it and told 204 00:13:03.559 --> 00:13:09.639 me Carmen, you should take an example from your brother. I proliferate them 205 00:13:09.679 --> 00:13:13.879 and say no prior man. I' m not going into the army. 206 00:13:15.039 --> 00:13:20.080 Not really. Thank you so much if you went to the fucking audience. 207 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:43.200 Thank you so much.